You were playing crib with your pals the other day…
(Wind gusting)
F*ck it’s windy out there, eh?
Dary?
Wayne.
Get involved.
Got somethin’ on my mind.
Somethin’ importants?
It’s almost not even worth thinkin’ about.
Good enough!
Three-hander then.
I prefers a three-hander.
I was actually hoping Dary wouldn’t be here, so that we could play a three-hander.
Playing with three is good for me.
Three-way gives you leeway.
Can I bend your ear about something?
Yep. Just go ahead and leave right after that, though, since we’re playing a three- hander and I don’t appreciate when you look at my cards over my shoulder.
Yous know Mother Hutchins?
‘Course. Mother of 17. Great gal.
By the way, can you grab us some Puppers out of the fridge on your way out?
17 kids. One less than a baseball game.
Giving birth 17 times…
the war zone that must’ve left behind.
F*ckin’ Ma Hutchins just birthin’ ’em.
Anyhoo, Dary, can you make sure that the screen door latches?
I don’t want it blowing in the wind.
I seen Mother Hutchins today and she was whistling when there’s no way that she could’ve been whistling.
What’s that?
I seen Mother Hutchins uptown in a beautiful dress.
And then…
a slight gust of wind came by…
and I heard a very faint…
(Low whistling)
That’s enough.
Why couldn’t she’s have been whistling.
On account of she was eating an ice cream cone.
(Katy sighing) There’s no possible way you can whistle when you’re eating an ice cream cone.
Pert’ near.
So…
where do you think the whistle sound was coming from?
It’s…
It’s almost not worth thinking about.
Well, I think we’re all thinking the same thing.
But what if we’re not?
What do you mean?
Like, if we aren’t all thinking the same thing about, like… like where the… whistle sound was coming from on her body…
Mother of 17…
…on a windy day, if it wasn’t coming from her mouth?
Yeah.
What if we are not all in agreement about what the…
…source of the whistle is?
Then, you’d have egg on your face.
There’s only one way to find out.
Okay, Dary. Dary, okay.
Are you suggesting that wind went up Ma Hutchins’ skirt and hit her… vagina…
…and made a whistle sound?
Is that what you were thinking, Katy?
Is that what you were thinking, Dan?
It’s quite obvious that’s what Wayne was thinking.
Put me outta my misery here. Do I have egg on my face or not?
No.
DAN AND KATY: No.
I’m not…
unconvinced…
that wind…
hitting the womanhood of a mother of 17… at the right speed and angles could create vibrations…
causing sounds.
I’m just not convinced it would be a whistle.
I think we need to take into consideration that… 17 melons have passed through that particular greengrocer’s…
…and that..
The wind hittin’ her…
vagina…
would sounds more likes a…
balloons leaking air out of a very thin hole.
How would that sound, Dan?
Be more of a… be more of a high-pitched whistle.
Uh…
like a…
(Air whistling through Dan’s teeth)
Cool it.
Well, I was there, and what I heard…
was more of a standard whistle, like this…
(Whistling lowly)
Uh-uh.
No. What yous aren’t taking into account are the… grooming styles of older women or lack thereof.
I had not taken that into account.
As a woman, I…
I do think that the whistle sound is more plausible.
But I feel like there would be an addition…
of a… rustling sound of sorts.
Like a wind rustling in the bush.
Dary… make the whistle sound, again.
(Whistling lowly)
(Hair rustling)
We respect our f*ckin’ elders.
Yeah, it be more what it sounds like. Yeah.
Look, any of yous ever been in a cave?
You mean a real cave?
F*ckin’ sake, Dary.
No.
Nope.
No.
You?
Yeah.
Down Disney.
Now, as the only one here who’s even been in a cave, and witnessed the dull hum of wind hittin’ something cavernous…
…like Dary, okay, the whistle sound is plausible, and, Dan, I can picture the accompaniment of air being released balloon, and, okay, Katy…
Katy, okay. I suppose the grooming styles of older ladies…
Or lack thereof.
…oughtta be considered as well.
But what I think we’re missing here from the equation is the… dull hum.
What would that sound like?
A bit like an idle lightsaber, I think.
Like a Star Wars lightsaber?
Don’t piss me off, Dary.
So, like?
(Imitating high-pitch hum of lightsaber)
That holds water.
Most caves do.
However… like, if we were to combine all our assumptions here, and…
well, I think that just might be the ticket.
And a-one, and a-two, and a one, two three and…
(Whistling, rustling, humming)
Now…
it’s almost not worth thinkin’ about.
(Theme music playing)
DAN: F*ckin’ piece of shit. God damn assholes.
(Muttering) Kids today have got f*ckin’ problems!
You’re kidding.
Aren’t you surly, Squirrelly.
Some little shits stole the mailbox from the end of the laneways.
Yous use to steal mailboxes at the end of laneways all the time when you were kids.
DAN, WAYNE: Allegedly.
That’s a federal crime.
The feds are the real f*ckin’ criminals!
But that’s my f*ckin’ mailbox!
DARY: (Muttering) Motherf*cker…
I’ve had it with kids with problems!
WAYNE: Sounds like you’ve had it with kids then.
A bit hairy, Dary?
Some little f*ckers put shit in a bag, put it on my stoop.
How could they stoop so low?
Yous used to put shit in bags and leave ’em places all the time when you were kids, too.
ALL: Allegedly.
Yous should have motion sensing cameras set up around your homes. It’s the new norm.
What am I? The FBI?
Yeah, take it easy there Double-O7.
Yeah. What am I? The CIAs?
WAYNE: F*ckin’ Carmen Sandiego over here.
Cameras are a bit MI5, cousint’.
Tinker Gailer soldier spy.
Guess that was a bit Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Oh, here come the men in black.
Do you know how many kids have problems in this town?
All of ’em.
They all wait for the bus on the corner of my yard.
Oh, no. It’s your mother’s yard.
F*ck! And they’re out there fighting every day.
And name calling!
Yous used to scrap all the time when you were kids.
Yous scrap all the time as adults.
I’m surprised we’re not havin’…
(Clearing throat)
I said I’m surprised we’re not having a scrap right now.
ROSIE: You sorted?
Wee of frog in my throat today.
BONNIE: I’m sorry I’m late.
I hate being late. I am never late!
Shift doesn’t start for another five.
If you’re not ten minutes early, you’re late!
Why are you…
Not now, Daryl!
What’s the fuss, Bon?
Kids with problems!
I’m glad yous are all finally catching up here.
What did kids with problems do now?
Grab assin’!
ALL: Oh!
Looks I can tolerates mailbox stealin’.
I’ll tolerate shit throwin’.
Worse things than fighting.
Name calling!
But grab assin’ young womens, that’s where I draws the line!
Something must be dones!
Dart?
Next time, it could be my ass that gets grabbed.
Then mine.
Then, with any luck, mine.
Well, yous better get it sorted.
You’re not gonna help?
No.
Why not?
Rosie and I have decided to take a dance class.
BOTH: Really?
F*ck no! Get real.
Ha!
But you’re going.
Oh yeah?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
Look, we’ll bring them down here.
You don’t even have to go anywhere.
Can… Can we get hammered?
No.
We do it once. We do it right.
Patience.
‘Kay.
Booze usually helps these things along, that’s all I’m sayin’.
(Clearing throat)
Hey, buddy?
Bro.
Any part of you feel like you’ve done all you’re gonna to do in hockey?
No.
I mean, we won a ‘ship.
‘Coupla ‘ships, on the ice and behind the bench.
So, what comes next?
I don’t know. Some back checking.
Some learning defensive responsibilities.
Not skipping leg day.
Oh my God. See, that’s the thing.
I’m sick of back checking.
I’m sick of defensive responsibilities.
F*ck leg day. What if I told you there’s a league where you didn’t have to do any of that?
I’d call you a liar.
(Snapping)
Full on selfish hockey.
That only exists in dreams.
And there’s beer.
Are we…
Are we dreaming?
Are we dreaming?
COACH: Oh, no.
Would you like to join my beer league hockey team?
(Laughing) There’s beer.
You’re gonna love it.
There’s hockey… (Laughing) and there’s beer.
(Laughing)
(Sighing)
You in?
(Whistle blowing)
(Clearing throat)
How are you now?
Guess I’ll start by saying, uh, we appreciate yous taking the time to come down here today, taking time away from…
well, being little f*ckin’ idiots.
Guess, as a sort of peace offering, we’ve arranged a little surprise for yous.
Now, just for being here, yous each get a hot dog, pop and a bag of chips.
Now, I see you’ve already got your pops and bags of chips.
We’ll have the hot dogs a little wee bit later, so…
Gail, if you wouldn’t mind joining me on the floor, please.
This is Gail.
Just like to say a quick thanks to Gail for providing us with a venue today, as the hot dogs, pops and bags of chips.
(Applauding)
Thanks very much, Gail.
‘Kay.
Now, yous are all down here today ’cause yous’ve been mailbox stealin’, shit throwin’, fightin’, name callin’ and grab assin’.
Well, I think yous have all had too much sugar cereal.
So, what we’ve done here today, is arranged a panel of local experts on this sort of thing to see if we can’t help yous sort yourselves out.
So, what’s say we get this rig rollin’?
Like to hand over the floor to my good friend Dary.
I’d like yous to give him your full attention ’cause he’s a pretty good guy.
Dary, you have the floor.
(Applauding)
One or more of you dropped a shit in a bag and put it on my stoop.
Yous used to do that, too.
DAN, WAYNE: Allegedly.
I’m thinking the reason that you guys are acting up so much is because you’ve got too much time on your hands.
The idle mind is the devil’s playground!
So, if yous have got time for acting up, I think you’ve got time to learn a skilled trade.
Learning a skilled trade will help you later on in life because everybody always needs a skilled tradesman.
Now, Katy, would you help me with the dry-erase board, please?
You’re way closer to it.
If yous can be one thing, yous should be efficient.
Now, one or maybe more of you seem to need a bit of a reminder that shit… goes in the toilet.
Now, who has a toilet? Well, everybody.
And a question for you:
Who is going to need their toilet fixer sooner or later?
Answer: everybody.
So, get your toilet ticket.
That’s for plumbers and pipefitters.
Question for you:
What happens in the summertime?
That’s right. It gets hot.
People are always gonna need to stay cool, so get your fridge ticket.
That’s for AC, deep freeze and other air conditioning cooling systems.
(Chuckling)
You there, I see you like the use of your phone quite a bit.
Is that what you like? Really nice.
It’s my phone now, okay?
Bet you don’t like it when that phone runs out of battery, do ya?
No.
Get your electrician’s ticket.
Everybody’s always gonna need power.
And if all else fails, yous can drive truck.
So, there you see, to fix essential services in a person’s home or business, you need to learn a skilled trade, that way, you’ll always have work and you’ll always stay busy.
This is so gay.
ALL: Oh! Hey! (All shouting at once)
You want your mouth washed out with soap?
You want your mouth washed out with soap?!
I see you like that pop and bag a chips pretty good!
I’ll take it away from you just as fast as I f*ckin’ gave it to you…
(All yelling)
Beers before games, buddy?
Loving beer league already, bro.
Hey, save some for the rest of us, Coach.
(Chuckling)
You guys ever seen the sun crest over the Blue Ridge Mountains?
No, Coach.
Fifteen years ago, me and Barb rented an RV, and we decided to drive across the United States… of America.
Well, we camped outside the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Just as the sun was cresting over that majestic scenery,
Barb took some olive oil and squirted it into her hand and took my shaft and started stroking it slowly.
Sorry. She what?
Then, she popped a couple of winter fresh mints and it tingled as she took me orally.
She was like a Hoover with perfect suction, you know, and just, ooh, latched on there and took me for a ride.
Finally, I just ejaculated all my semen, just sat back, so much peace.
Just looked at the mountains and the sun.
Course, Barb went and washed her face.
You ready to win us a beer league hockey game?
Let’s, uh, do this!
(Beers clinking)
And I’ll put what’s left of yous in a standard envelope and mail you back to your goddamn parents!
(Clearing throat)
I’d just like to thank Surly Dan for his explosive, yet compelling message on mailbox stealin’ and how that’s a federal crime.
Feds are the real criminals!
Yeah, we heard you, bud.
But that’s my f*ckin’ mailbox!
Sun’s getting real low, big fella. Come on.
WAYNE: Well, it looks like yous are starting to settle into this. That’s a pretty good thing, ’cause guess what’s right up ’round the corner?
Hot dogs.
Like to hand over the floor to Stewart, Roald,
Tyson and Joint Boy, who are gonna have a quick chat with yous about fightin’.
And name calling!
Yup fightin’ and name callin’.
So, Stewart, Roald, Tyson, Joint Boy, yous have the floor.
(Applauding)
Oh, allow me.
Bet he tells them to self-medicate.
The reason you’re all fighting and mailbox stealing and shit throwing and grab assing…
And name calling!
…is because you have too much energy!
You must expend the energy that leads to poor choices and to do that… you must exercise.
What is happening here?
Our solution is two-fold.
You seem to enjoy fighting, so you will get your exercise by learning to… fight.
F*ckin’ idiot.
Tyson. Joint Boy.
(Applause)
So, we’re gonna teach you how to box.
Boxing is the superior discipline when it comes to physical combat.
That’s why they call it the sweet science.
Huh?
What?
Muay Thai is the superior discipline.
Boxing actually teaches you footwork and self-defence.
I’d evade your straight-on attack and knock you out.
You’d be able to evade my eight points of attack and knock me out with your two points of attack?
You’d be surprised what I can do with my left and right hands.
You’d be surprised what I can do with my left and right hand, my left and right elbow, my left and right knee and my left and right foot.
Also, too, your boxing stance exposes your knee.
What are you gonna do when I break it?
(Chuckling) Try it.
All right.
Yeah.
JOINT BOY: Come on!
I smell hot dogs.
Buddy! This is sick!
Two genos, two apples. All while you’re half cut.
I love beer league, buddy.
Rockin’ a hat trick and a helper, all while working a little day fade.
True dat! Coach, how you doing?
You guys ever been to the Grand Canyon.
It’s beautiful.
No, Coach.
No, Coach, but if this is another one of your stories, it’s all right, you…
Me and Barb parked the RV right beside that canyon and we got so overtaken with its beauty that I put down the kitchen table, it turns into a bed, and I just lowered her onto it, took her clothes off that voluptuous body.
She had the biggest f*ckin’ tits.
Guys… she had one nipple that was the size of a silver dollar.
The other one didn’t even have a nipple, so I just stayed away from there.
Then, I took some olive oil, ’cause we were in the kitchen, right?
I just dumped that all over her, right?
And then, I took my sword and I just… I took Camelot.
Or as we called it “Cumalot”.
Then, I was so tired, I just fell asleep.
Barb, of course, went outside and washed up with the garden hose.
PLAYER: Let’s go! Come on!
BOTH: Thank God.
F*ck. Let’s wheel.
Wheel, wheel.
Wheel, wheel, wheel!
(Whistle blowing)
Did yous all get a hot dog?
Give ’em all hot dogs? Pretty good hot dogs?
Boy, I love hot dogs.
Well, here’s a scoop I’m gonna tell ya, yous have all been little shits.
But the worst of it all, like, by far, is grab assin’.
Now, to explain to yous why that’s super bad, I’ve enlisted the help of my sister Katy, as well as my sweetie Rosie.
(Clearing throat)
Katy, Rosie, yous have the floor.
(Applauding)
So, I hear you little boys like to grab ass, eh?
You like grabbin’ girls by the ass?
Um…
Let me tell you a little something about little boys who grab asses.
Grabbin’ ass, otherwise known as assault and sometimes molestation.
Guys…
No, Bonnie. We got this.
Straight to the slammer.
The clink.
The pen.
The cage.
The pound.
Prison.
Wanna know what happens to little boys in prison?
Let’s try to keep this PGs.
KATY: Well, you wanna know what happens to little boys after they’ve served time in prison?
Katy…
Bonnie, we’ve got this.
KATY: Do you guys know what the sex offender registry is?
Yes.
Stewart!
For the rest of your life, wherever you decide to set up shop, you’ll have to go door to door and introduce yourself to your neighbours and be like,
“Hi, I’m Kyle” or “I’m Kendrick,” or “I’m Kenny and I’m a sex offender.”
Yeah. I’m not sure if you little boys have noticed, but we’ve got some big dudes here in Letterkenny.
Would you like to knock on this fella’s door?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
A fella who looks like… this? Huh?
Say “Hey, fella, I’m a sex offender” and see what happens.
Rosie…
KATY: No, Bonnie. Bonnie, no. You’ve suffered enough.
Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Okay, which one of you little boys grabbed Bonnie’s ass?
Not so tough now, eh?
Not so tough, now that you’ve been called to the carpet.
Which one of you little shits did it?
(Gasping)
Why’d you grab her ass?
It’s a great ass.
(All murmuring)
We’re not arguing that it’s a great ass.
But she did have one of those poop bags for dogs sticking out of her back pocket.
I just went to grab it and hand it to her.
Well, you can see how Ms. McMurray would, uh… not have seen it that way.
Then she called me a skank.
ALL: Oh!
ROSIE: No! Bonnie!
(All yelling)
Bonnie, this is a young girl…
REILLY: Six genos and six apples, buddy.
Five tucks and seven helpers, bro.
No back checking.
No defensive responsibilities.
BOTH: No leg day!
F*ck, buddy, I could get use to beer league.
Beer league for life, bro!
You guys ever seen the Mississippi river?
No, Coach.
Please, Coach.
We have so much going for us right here.
Flow of that river that hot summer night was only outdone by the flow of Barb’s Bartholin glands.
I undid by button-fly acid wash jeans…
pulled out my quarter pounder, I presented it to her.
No pickles, no onions, special order.
Slid it inside her.
There was some air caught up in there, so it was like… (Blowing raspberry)
(Raspberry continuing)
You gotta get it all out.
And then, I kept going till I was ready to water her like a bed of Tuscan flowers.
I ejaculated my semen all over her like I was hosing down an elephant at the circus.
Then, I couldn’t move after.
I just laid there and listened to the river.
Of course, Barb went and got a rag and some Head and Shoulders and cleaned herself up.
Well, every program has its flaws, but if that’s all we have to deal with, f*ck, buddy, I guess we’re beer leaguers.
Beer league for life, bro!
‘Ferda.
‘Ferda.
Guys, you ever been to Disneyland?
Hey, leave it!
Hey! leave it!
He said f*ckin’ leave it!
Yous mean to tell me I can’t even take a piss without yous horsin’ around?
Yous are little shits with your horseplay, with your roughhouse.
Now, Gail’s been back there microwaving smokies all afternoon, so yous could enjoy a hot dog.
I was gonna leave this as a surprise, but she’s gone to the store to get more pops and chips.
So, how do you feel now? Not very good.
Now, what kids need if they’re gonna shape up is some tough love, but that’s your parents’ jobs’s.
As your peer, all I can offer yous is logic.
So, what we’re gonna do… (Clearing throat) is sit down here today and logic these problems to death.
Here we go now.
Mailbox stealin’.
Mailbox stealin’.
Look, this is a small town.
If you get in trouble with the law, you’re gonna get written up in the paper.
Either the police briefs or the court reports, if you get charged.
So, now, how silly would you feel, if you get written up in the paper for a crime, and that crime is mailbox stealin’?
Like, it’s about the squarest crime there is.
And fellas, if you want to know how hard it is to get any attention from girls after getting written up for mailbox stealin’, f*ckin’ ask Dary.
Yeah, and how long was it, Dary?
Two calendar years and four fiscal months.
Four fiscal months.
Shit throwin’!
Shit throwin’, this one’s easy.
How f*ckin’ old are yas?
Sixteen.
What’s your name? I think I know your old man.
Me?
F*ckin’ never mind.
KID: Everyone else here is fifteen though.
I was held back first grade ’cause it took me a little longer to read than most kids.
Loser.
Stewart.
WAYNE: Well, look, if yous are gonna get involved in petty vandalism, like, do graffiti or something, get creative with it.
It’s more than a bit f*ckin’ primitive to be shittin’ in bags and throwin’ it places.
Well, yous did that, too, when you were their age.
DAN, WAYNE, DARY: Allegedly.
(Mouthing word silently)
Fighting!
Well, look, I love a scrap as much as the next guy, let’s make that good and clear.
(Clearing throat)
But you kids have your phones out all the damn time, taking videos of everything you see.
So, let’s say you get in a fight you get beat up or, even worse, knocked out, some young nut sack’s got his phone out and he’s taking a video of it, going home to put it on the f*ckin’ internet.
And there’s no helping you once it’s on a few websites.
(Scoffs) And God help you if it reaches the dark web.
Once it’s on there, it’s on there for good and it could follow you around for the rest of your lifes.
So, use your f*ckin’ heads.
Name calling!
F*ckin’ sticks and stones.
Grab assin’!
Yous wanna go grab assin’ girls?
Okay.
Now, more than likely that girl’s got a big brother, or a big cousint’, or an old man who’s been tossin’ bales around his whole life and loves the bottle.
Now, I’m gonna tell ya, you don’t want any of ’em grabbin’ a hold of you.
Don’t…
f*ck…
with girls.
You know what?
I’ve always wanted to be an actor.
I am going to quit messing around and go do it.
Well, don’t f*ckin’ do that.
Wait till you’re older.
Look how f*cked up child actors get, with adults pressuring them to entertain.
You’ll have a needle in your arm by the time you’re drinking age.
I’m going to be a climate activist just like…
Don’t do that! Well, like, look at how f*cked up child actors get with adults pressuring them to entertain, like, f*cking imagine how f*cked up child climate activists get with adults pressuring them to save the f*ckin’ world!
(Chuckling)
So, what do we do?
Well look, being a young shithead is a rite of passage.
You’re only a young shithead once.
So, you might as well just go out and be a young shithead.
Get in trouble, take risks, make mistakes, but, you know, keep it between the lines.
We all dids.
Yeah, but except for Dary, who got written up in The Banner for stealin’ mailboxes, and then no girls would touch him for like…
How long was it?
Two calendar years and four fiscal months.
Four fiscal months.
So, here’s what I want yous to do,
I want yous to take what you’ve learned today… …and f*ck off.
What are yous gonna do?
Get hammered.
Carve my names into the bars.
Make fun of the skids.
Fight this guy.
Grab a big chunk of that ass.
Well, sounds like we’re gonna be young shitheads for a while yet, too.
♪ (Fast hard-core punk playing) ♪
♪
♪ Dancing, by me my love ♪
♪ Changing my love ♪
♪ Followed for the future ♪
♪ She goes slowly ♪
♪ So securely, lovesick, lonely… ♪
♪ Needed more than ever ♪
♪ Concrete face below the surface of the waves ♪
♪ An endless chase, a straight line ♪
♪ Life is not forever ♪
♪
♪ Sleep tight, care for no life ♪
♪ Try to hope less ♪
♪ Eyes wild, like the story, shifting endlessly ♪
♪ So securely, lovesick, lonely… ♪
♪ Needed more than ever ♪
♪ concrete face below the surface of the waves ♪
♪ An endless chase, a straight line ♪
♪ Life is not forever ♪
♪
