Letterkenny – S09E01 – American Buck and Doe [Transcript]

Post fight with Dierks, the hicks/skids and hockey players attend an American Buck and Doe.
Letterkenny - S09E01 - American Buck and Doe

KATY: ♪ Boy, don’t say you’re sorry, my life’s a safari ♪

♪ I’m drinkin’ Campari, I’m playin Atari ♪

♪ I’m over you fast as a f*ckin’ Ferrari, yup ♪

♪ You stepped out so fast, my crew then amassed ♪

♪ Put your ass on blast ♪

♪ Your arm in a cast ♪

♪ And I put you right in the past ♪

♪ I pass you so fast, outcast you at last ♪

♪ Hold steady, holdfast, your shit’s been recast ♪

♪ You f*ckin’ disaster, I’m enthusiastic ♪

♪ And that’s the forecast ♪

♪ But who asked you? ♪

♪ I’m like a Targaryen spittin’ straight up Valyrian ♪

♪ Out here not care-e-in’, out here Don Cherry’n ♪

♪ You’re arbitrary’n, You out there ferry’n ♪

♪ Out there miscarry’n Pam and Rosemary’n ♪

♪ I’m a wild cherry, you’re a huckleberry ♪

♪ Yeah, I’m Bloody Mary, you are Tom and Jerry ♪

♪ I am legendary, no one’s secondary ♪

♪ You’re unnecessary ♪

♪ You are Moe, Curly and Larry ♪

♪ How’s this for an obituary? ♪

♪ I told you it’s simple you’re in or you’re out of it muffin ♪

♪ Did you think I was lyin’ or fakin’ or phony or bluffin’? ♪

♪ Why try with a guy, please ask why ♪

♪ His dick is always pointing towards the sky ♪

♪ That shit makes me bone dry ♪

♪ And I’ll lop your dick off like a samurai ♪

♪ I know all the signs and the signals I know the tells ♪

♪ ‘Cause everybody’s always f*ckin’ somebody else ♪

♪ You eye up every single girl in the bar ♪

♪ While I’m out for a piss ♪

♪ No real man does this ♪

♪ Yo, here’s a hot take ♪

♪ I might f*ck Bieber, I might f*ck Drake ♪

♪ But your time is done, it was fun ♪

♪ It’s the end of the run hun, I’ll stick to my guns ♪

♪ I’ma stun ’cause you ain’t the only one ♪

♪ I’ll close this book with a hook ♪

♪ And I’ll seal with a kiss ♪

♪ Only real men get this ♪

(Theme music playing)

(Music distorts and slows)

A WEE BIT AFTER THEY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE DIERKS…

ROALD: Rocket Man was the wrong nickname to give him. Rocket Man would empower a dude like that.

Yous can call me Rocket Man.

DARYL: We already call you a piece of shit.

MRS. McMURRAY: You’re my rocket, baby.

I wanna rock it all night long.

You’re a rocket, man.

No, you’re a rocket, man.

DAN: Cool it.

ROALD: If you really want to irritate him, you have to say his name like you’re achieving orgasm.

STEWART: Hard-corgasm.

ROALD: (Moaning) Like, Kim Jong-uh.

STEWART: (Moaning) Kim Jong-uh.

Yeah, but that’s not how you pronounce his name, though. It’s not Kim Jong-un. It’s Kim Jong-une.

STEWART: Kim Jong-ewn.

ROALD: Kim Jong-ew.

WAYNE: Isn’t it pronounced Kim Jong-on?

Kim Jong…

Kim Jong…

(All saying “Kim Jong”)

WAYNE: Yeah, like, Kim Jong-on.

(All moaning “Kim Jong-un”)

(Continuing moaning “Kim Jong-un”)

(Clapping)

Which one of yous beat the shit out of my cousint’ Dierks?

ALL: That’d be me.

(Scoffing) That’s how they do it in Canada then, eh? Eight dudes on one?

Don’t tempt me with a good time.

Today we did.

All’s fair in love and war.

WAYNE: Well, to be fair…

(All mocking) To be fair.

Now, like, to be fair, if there were other dudes there we would’ve beat the shit out of them too, so.

The other dudes are here now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

So, those guys are the other dudes?

Yeah.

Oh f*ck, eh.

Yeah.

This is bad then.

It’s real bad.

We’re in trouble then?

Yeah, you’re in big trouble.

Oh, shit.

Oh shit is right.

So, this is what it all comes down to then?

It all comes down to this, amigo.

This is the dagger.

It’s the final dagger.

Oh, f*ck.

Uh… Exactly.

We’re in for it now.

Oh, you have no idea, bro.

(Exhaling) Let’s do this!

Oh no.

Oh yes.

Well, maybe we should start runnin’.

Oh, maybe you should do somethin’.

‘Cause we’re gonna get it!

You’re gonna get it alright.

This is terrible.

It’s worse than terrible.

I can’t believe it.

You better believe it.

This is happening.

Right here. Right now. Come on!

We’ve never really had it handed to us before, but I think this mights be it.

Trust me bro. This is it.

So, this is the one?

Yes, it’s the big one.

Time’s up then.

Time’s up alright.

Well, just give us a f*cking minute would you?

No, no. No way.

Come on. Please?

Not a chance.

Please!

Nah, forget about it.

This is how the cookie crumbles?

Chips Ahoy, bitch. (Laughing)

This is how it all shakes down.

Yeah, shake it. Shake it out, baby!

We’re really nots prepared for this.

Well, you shoulda thought of that before you came stateside fightin’ dirty.

Oh, have a heart.

You’ve come to the wrong place for that, fella.

You know what? If the shoe was on the other foot, we’d let yous get your affairs sorted first.

Well it isn’t.

If I was you, I’d be a lot f*cking kinder about it.

Well, guess what, bro? Look at this right here.

You’re not me.

Show mercy!

(Scoffing) Uh-uh.

Too late to cry uncle?

It’s way too… much too late.

Made our beds. We gotta lie in ’em.

Just enough talking!

That’s it?

Yeah, that’s it.

Well, whys do you gets to decide that?

‘Cause I’m in charge.

So, yeah, you’re in charge?

Yeah, large and in charge.

You’re the boss.

The big boss man.

Tony Danza.

I don’t want to go through this again.

Well, you’re the boss though.

I know I’m the boss!

So you can end it.

I’m ending it!

That’s it, then. It’s over.

God damn right it’s over.

This is the end.

Just like Jim Morrison says in the song with the… F*ck!

No more talkin’!

Well, I’m a bit scared.

Well, you should be!

Just ’cause I never fought a balloon animal before.

(All laughing)

Huh?

He said you look like a f*ckin’ balloon animal.

You look f*ckin’ ridiculous!

What?

REILLY: Yeah, congratulations, bud. You know how to use a needle.

You’re a f*ckin’ nurse, bud.

You look like a guy who puts his head through walls at parties.

Like, beside yourself, you think anyone’s proud of you?

You like tits so much you got yourself a set, eh?

You’re gonna regret this.

I already f*ckin’ do! My gravy’s gone cold.

Oh, yous are in…

Hold on!

Jill?

Oh, good. I got your name right.

Jill, could I get another side of gravy? Please and thank yous.

I’ve always wondered if it’s true about the ball shrinking when you take steroids.

Oh, yeah. No, I’ve heard it’s true.

That’s what I was told, too.

Why don’t you pull ’em out for us?

Let’s take a look at you.

What?

Strip on down and lay on the floor and let’s get a good look at you.

The Rock eats 820 pounds of Haddock each year to get as big as he is.

Does he really?

Cod, actually.

Does he really?

Hey, ten of us and eight of you!

Oh, are you still here?

(Grunting)

(Bell ringing)

Who the f*ck are you?

We’re the US military.

And who the f*ck are you?

Canadian Armed Forces.

Cousint’?

Cousint’.

You know these guys?

Who? Matty, Patty and Blaker?

Johnny, Shawny and Jaker?

Yeah, we served together overseas and now we keep in touch by going to each other’s families buck and does and just getting military grade drunk.

Is that right?

Yeah, I think I speak for all of us when I say there’s really no one closer to us than these boys.

Hm, good enough.

Jaker, love you brother.

Love you, brother.

Real good time at Shawny’s brother’s buck and buck a couple weeks back.

Shawny’s brother’s buck and buck was a top fiver, for sure.

Yeah, it’s really somehow not shocking how much fatter and uglier you’ve gotten since then.

Shawny, love you brother.

Love you, brother.

Nice to finally meet your old man.

He’s a real ham ‘n egger.

I just hope it’s okay I told him you and Johnny routinely share cigarettes.

Matty, I love you brother.

Love you, brother.

We were such a hit at your sisters buck and doe that she invited us to the wedding.

You tear that dance floor a new one, eh?

Oh, yeah, should see how fast it takes her to start touching my arms when we start talking. God damn.

Could set your watch to it.

Patty, I love you, brother.

– Love you, brother. – Just wanna make sure

we’re cool after I danced three slow songs

with your sister at Johnny’s brother’s buck and doe.

Bit tacky when you took your shirt off for the third, Jaker,

but water under the bridge.

Bit aggressive when a gal asks you to slow dance

when you already got your shirt off, for sure.

It was her who asked you then, was it?

That’s well documented at this point

but what’s important to note

is that I was using alcohol heavily that night

and she wasn’t.

That’s it! No more talking!

Can I give you a quick heads up first?

(Scoffing) On what?

♪ You’re the inspiration for your parents’ recreation ♪

♪ Can you feel all the temptation ♪

♪ From your heart? ♪

♪ We’ll take all the blame ♪

♪ Everybody’s so deranged ♪

♪ But it’s black and blue in our veins ♪

♪ And in our hearts ♪

♪ So, let’s ride every night until we die ♪

♪ Why can’t I fix the head? ♪

♪ And that just makes me want to quit ♪

♪ I don’t like these vibrations ♪

♪ You’re a parent’s recreation ♪

♪ Can you feel all the temptation ♪

♪ From your heart? ♪

♪ Meet me down the lane ♪

♪ Everybody’s gone insane ♪

♪ We’re just black and blue in our veins ♪

♪ And in our hearts ♪

♪ So, let’s ride every night until we die ♪

♪ Why can’t I fix the head? ♪

♪ And everybody’s just gonna want to quit ♪

♪ Hibernation ♪

♪ In your heart! (hibernation) ♪

♪ In your heart! (hibernation) ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts, your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts, your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts ♪

♪ Your hearts, your hearts, your hearts ♪

It’s a bit f*ckin’ awkward, eh, boys?

Just as God intended it, my man.

Take your shirt off, Roald.

I have been waiting so long to hear you say that.

What’s your name, bud?

Uh, Roald.

Like Roald Dahl?

Well, actually…

I’m just kidding, I don’t give a f*ck.

(Chuckling)

You wanna get some tail tonight?

Do I!

What’s your type?

Um, what are your names again?

Johnny.

Shawny.

Jaker.

Matty.

Patty.

Blaker.

There’s a bit of my type in all of you.

I’m not tracking.

Ah, he’s a gay.

I ought to introduce you to my brother.

He has a brother.

Donny.

Shawny and Donny?

I’m Shawny. My brother’s Donny.

I’m Johnny. My sister’s gay.

Ah, what’s her name?

Lonny.

You’re Johnny and she’s Lonny?

And I’m Shawny.

And his brother’s Donny.

Swear to God, Lonny came out of the closet and just got scissorin’.

Did you know that scissoring isn’t actually as popular with lesbians as people might think?

F*ck.

Well, I don’t think Lonny knew that part.

I love the smell of scissoring in the morning.

Scissoring. Oh, f*ck!

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, Shawny.

And your brother’s Donny?

And Shawny’s gay brother is Donny.

Yeah, remember when Donny came out of the closet, just started smashin’ ass?

As we do.

Just hammerin’ ass.

Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots?

Wreck-It Ralph.

And Lonny went on a bit of a sprint too.

Yeah, hard to picture a snapper within a ten mile radius that didn’t get scissored.

Just scissorin’ chicks all hours of the day.

Never seen anything like it.

Scissoring chicks, scissoring chicks that look like dudes.

Think one of those chicks was a dude.

Um… (Clearing throat)

Does she have an Instagram or?

Oh, yeah.

Roald.

SHAWNY: Whoa.

Oh, no. Don’t click that.

Oh, what is… Report this.

Hangin’ in, Katy cat?

You could say that.

I know that look.

Seen that look once or twice, that’s all I know.

Katy’s going scorched earth.

Say what?

What are the odds I get five shirtless soldiers served up the second I go on the rebound?

Six.

One’s her cousint’.

And?

What’s the plan?

A bull and his son stand at the top of a hill looking over a pasture full of cows.

The son goes to his dad, “Dad, let’s run down there and f*ck one of those cows.” What does the bull say?

Who’s the bull?

Katy’s the bull.

Katy’s a girl.

ROSIE: And?

The bull says, “No son.

Let’s walk down there and f*ck ’em all.”

Yup. You’re going scorched earth alright.

(Snorting) Walk on down there and f*ck ’em all, that’s what I always say.

Seven Canadians stateside T-Rex-ing six rum and cokes.

These are rye and cokes.

Yeah, mine are rye and cokes, too.

Fella had to make another ryes run after yous ordered yours, so some of these are ryes and cokes and somes of these are rum and cokes.

You think the skids brought any of that cocaine with ’em?

Snooters?

Sneef?

Sniff.

Not across the border.

Not likelys.

Shit. Man needs some f*cking nose candy at these sorts of things… F*ck.

So, Rosie’s your sweetie, eh?

Yep.

May I say something respectfully?

No.

And Katy’s his sister?

Yeah.

With all due respect…

No.

I kinda feel like Mrs. McMurray’s givin’ me the eyes.

Yeah?

Is that weird?

No.

Yous mind if I dibs Bonnie?

She’s likely already dibs’d one of yous, bud.

I feel like Gail would make a man outta me.

Can confirm.

MATTY: Hm.

Let’s get hammered.

Your terms is acceptables.

So, what are yous into?

F*ckin’ chuckin’ bombs and smashin’ moms, bud.

Chuckin’ mitts and suckin’ tits, buddy.

Suckin’ tits?

Suckin’ all sorts of tits. Suckin’ titty all sorts.

Suckin’ asymmetricals. Suckin’ side setters.

Suckin’ sloppy egg yokers.

You know that’s the governments newest way of gathering information on you?

Go on.

Government wants to be able to ID you by your teeth.

Huh?

Why don’t they just hack your personal dental records?

Government skips the middle man.

What in the actual f*ck is this then?

The government gathers facial scans through your iPhone.

Yes?

Huawei will be gathering retinal scans through your phone eventually.

No.

Why do you think the US wants to keep them out so bad?

All you have to do is look at your phone screen and they’ve got you.

Why does the government want dental records?

Was about to tell you but you hijacked the conversation on me a wee bit.

Je suis désolé.

What’s say your body gets burnt up in a fire or terrorist attack or else gets washed away by a Tsunami and sharks eat you.

This is dark! I love it.

Your teeth are the only way to identify you.

This is true.

Teeth are the hardest and most well protected structures in the body. They resist decomposition, high temperatures and are the last to decompose once you’re dead.

You don’t say.

SHAWNY: No two oral cavities are the same.

They’re unique to an individual.

Government wants to be able to ID your teeth to complete the trifecta.

The triple crown.

The Holy Trinity, face, eyes and teeth.

The government’s had your fingerprints for years through iPhone touch ID.

Fools.

So, what you’re saying is the government collects your dental ID by…

Suckin’ a set of east-wester’s?

Every country has male and female spies that go into enemy territory and sleep with targets.

You mean, take ’em down?

Smash ’em?

Correct. The spies…

Should call ’em operatives.

Spies or operatives work.

If I’m an operative, I don’t appreciate being called a spy.

Ain’t no f*ckin’ James Bond.

Fine! Christ!

The operatives f*ck the targets and they extract information from ’em before, during, and after sex!

You knew that, right? (Grunting)

F*ck as in… f*ck?

That’s the one, big chief.

Everybody knew that!

It’s called Honey Trapping.

Or Honey Potting.

I believe that group of Canadian spies are called The Romeo Section.

How do you know that?

(Both scoffing)

(Whispering) The dark web.

Who you gonna dibs?

I don’t know. Who are you gonna dibs?

You get first dibs.

I don’t want first dibs.

Why don’t you want first dibs?

Katy’s goin’ scorched earth.

Okay, so, who gets first dibs?

I already dibs’d.

I already dibs’d-ish.

Huh?

Dibs’d-ish?

Ball park dibs.

Anyhoo!

You know, I don’t even think dibs are required here.

So many dudes.

(Clapping) I say, we hit the d-floor and we… air it out.

What do you do when you fall off the horse, Bonnie?

What’s that?

You get right back on.

I knew the answer, I just didn’t want to…

You just get back on that horse and you just ride it.

Never mind.

Anyone got gum?

Got some in the truck. Hang tight.

Alright, I’ll dibs.

My hub-skin.

I oughtta just head over there ‘n piss on him and be done with it.

(Scoffing) This music lacks.

ROALD: Everyone seems to be enjoying it, Stewart.

(Hissing)

Do y’all know…

Patty

Matty.

Blaker.

Johnny.

Shawny.

Jaker.

REILLY: So, okay.

So, the target sucks the tit and… and then what?

What’s all this then?

We’re just getting down to the nitty gritty here.

Titty gritty.

On whats?

How government operatives get their targets dental IDs through getting their tits sucked.

I am listening.

So, the target starts sucking the operative’s tit, right?

Now, the government’s inserted a tiny camera inside the areola and that camera records a dental ID of the target while it’s sucking the operative’s tit.

(Scoffing) What if the target isn’t into foreplay?

Well then, the operative would have to encourage foreplay.

She’d have to say something like, “Hey, you. You want to come over here and just suck on my tits for a little bit?”

How exactly do you think a tit gets sucked, though?

‘Cause when I’m suckin’ a tit, I don’t have my mouth wide open. Usually.

But, so, like, the camera wouldn’t be able to see inside.

How do you do it?

I don’t like inhale it or anything.

But it’s like, gentle, you know? It’s like a…

(Slurping)

You know?

So, how would the dental ID get taken if my mouth is closed?

Well, that’s another area where the operative would have to encourage the target.

Like, to get right in there.

How would they do that?

Good question. It’s a verbal process.

Like, “Come on, suck my tit.

Open your mouth right up and suck it, baby.”

Ugh. That is a lot of responsibility for the operative.

The operative’s there because she wants to be. Trust me.

Like, you know, “Wrap your mouth right around my tit.

Hell, bite it.”

Whoa, whoa. Bite it, buddy?

No one likes that, bro.

Lots of people like that. Trust me.

How many teeth would the government have to ID to get, like, a proper dental ID?

Couldn’t you just use the eye teeth?

No way.

No?

Nope. Honey Pot spies don’t get outta spy school until they can successfully identify a target’s incisors, canines, and bicuspids through the process of getting their tit sucked.

Wisdom teeth?

Oh, well, any spy that could get the wisdom teeth done through that process could get fast-tracked through spy school. No question.

Spy may be the better term here actually.

Never heard it called operative school.

Wanna know what?

It’s horrifyingly sexist that female spies have to endure getting cameras inserted into their areolas and men don’t.

Most don’t.

What do you means?

Most male spies get the camera up their dink hole.

ALL: (Groaning) No.

I might even have one up mine.

I think I might too, Johnny.

You get to a certain rank in the US military and you just kinda assume that they’ve shoved a camera up your dink hole.

When?

When you’re sleeping or something, I don’t know.

Canadian military do this, too?

F*ck no.

Course they do, Blaker.

Jaker, say one more time that one of my Canadian brothers touched my dick while I was sleeping!

Go ahead and try and tell me that one more time.

Okay, so, the operatives get cameras inserted (Pop) in their dink holes…

(Groaning)

…and then they just go around getting blowies, collecting dental ID’s?

That’s exactly what they do.

I’d sign up for that.

Well, who wouldn’t sign up for a blowie for your country?

It’s silly not to.

Unpatriotic is what it is.

I’m surprised we’re not all signing up right now.

Well, gentlemen, we’re a group of drunk hicks, skids, hockey players, and soldiers with our shirts off and cameras up our dink-holes and there’s are more than a handful of pretty women out there on that dance floor.

So, let’s get some God damn photographs.

(Scoffing) This music sucks.

♪ (The Manhattans “Shining Star”) ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Honey ♪

♪ You are my shining star ♪

♪ Don’t you go away ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Wanna be ♪

♪ Right here where you are ♪

♪ Until my dying day ♪

♪ Yeah baby ♪

♪ So many have tried ♪

♪ Tried to find a love like yours and mine ♪

♪ Mm-hm ♪

♪ Girl, don’t you realize how you hypnotize? ♪

♪ Make me love you more each time ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ Honey, I’ll never leave you lonely ♪

♪ To you only ♪

♪ Honey you… ♪ (Record scratching)

(M-Beat “Jungle is Massive”) ♪ Wicked, wicked ♪

♪ Jungle is massive, wicked, wicked ♪

♪ Jungle is massive ♪

♪ Wicked, wicked ♪

♪ Junglist massive ♪

♪ Wicked original ♪

♪ Well, big up all the original Junglist massive ♪

♪ The original dancehall Junglist dere ♪

♪ General Levy alongside the M-Beat ♪

♪ The world is in trouble ah, what we tell dem murderer ♪

♪ It goes I am the incre… Incre… Incredible General ♪

♪ Sensational what them call me ♪

♪ Incre… incre… Incredible Gene… ♪

♪ Select, selec… lect ♪

♪ Yo, mad the whole a dem I spin dem like a windmill ♪

♪ New talk fi dem, gwarn tell dem we got the skill ♪

♪ Dance cyan nice unless we name ‘pon de bill ♪

♪ And the girls hear we voices like dem dreams get fulfil ♪

♪ Massa menimeni, passa menimeni colda menimeni chill ♪

♪ Idle we nah sekkle we nah ova da hill ♪

♪ Wah de want come see us say us must be sick and must be ill ♪

♪ Test the daddy M-Beat unnu better go write your will ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Have mercy, have mercy, have mercy ♪

♪ Have mercy, have mercy ♪

♪ So ya, booyaka booyaka, when the General pass ♪

♪ Booyaka booyaka, M-Beat run the dance ♪

♪ Booyaka booyaka, we nah take back nah talk ♪

♪ Booyaka booyaka… incredible ♪

♪ Me stylee fi pon de mic general treat the general ♪

♪ Get pon brock inna me style, wicked original ♪

♪ Menimeni brock, menimeni skin, me nah or chat… ♪

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