Sarah Cooper: Everything’s Fine (2020) – Transcript

A variety special full of issues of politics, race, gender and class. Sarah will also be joined by special guests.
Sarah Cooper: Everything's Fine (2020)

[anthemic classical music playing]

[narrator] This story is about Sarah Cooper, who was a morning news anchor from the spring of 2017 to the fall of 2020. At her peak, Cooper had a HUT rating of 54 and a 27 audience share.

[imperceptible]

[narrator] She looks all right here, but inside, she’s losing her mind every time she utters the words, “Everything’s fine,” which happens to be the name of her morning show.

[theme music playing]

♪ Everything’s fine ♪

♪ It’s a brand-new day ♪

♪ Everything’s fine ♪

♪ You’ve got to celebrate ♪

♪ Everything’s fine ♪

♪ It’s gonna be okay ♪

♪ Everything’s fine ♪

Good morning and welcome to Everything’s Fine, the morning show where everything’s fine. I’m your host, Sarah Cooper.

Today on the show, an exposé on age-defying makeup. Does it have the power to take off the 14 years you aged in the past six months? We’ll find out.

And coming up, there’s a new robot CEO in town, and this time, he’s actually a robot. My exclusive interview with Techtech Corp’s new AI executive, 8008s.

Then, an exclusive look inside the now-famous Access Hollywood bus. You don’t want to miss it.

A little later, we’ll check in on how the sky is doing with our favorite meteorologist, Andrea Steele. She’s a scientist.

Plus, another zoo runs out of money and we’ll sugarcoat what happens to all the animals. Hope you don’t like emus.

[chuckles]

Then, we’ll have all the latest fall fashions you can wear to that conference call from your bedroom.

Big story this morning. Scientists say an asteroid is headed straight for this…

Breaking news! Breaking news.

The president is on the line and wants to say hi. I guess we weren’t able to change our number.

How are you doing, Mr. President?

[Trump’s voice] So, we have many exciting things that we’ll be announcing over the next, uh… eight weeks, I would say.

Oh. Exciting.

We’re gonna get things done.

We’re gonna get things done that they’ve wanted to see done… for a long, long time.

What have you started on, Mr. President?

We’re gonna get things done. We have, uh… We’re taking on immigration, taking on education. We’re taking on so many aspects of things that, uh… people were hopelessly tied up in knots in Congress, but you’ll see, uh… levels of detail, levels of thought…

I would love to see detail.

…that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn’t have in this country.

Uh, Mr. President, it looks like you’re golfing.

Things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible. We’re gonna get things done. [coughs]

So when are you gonna start on this stuff?

So, I think we’ll start sometime on Tuesday?

[Sarah] Tuesday works.

Then we’re going into the immigration, the world of immigration and education.

Immigration, education.

You did mention that before.

We’re going into the world of healthcare.

Oh! I’m gonna let you get back…

…a lot of exciting…

…to starting on those plans, Mr. President. Thank you so much for calling us again.


A lot of us are working from home, but some of us are twerking from home.

Here to show us how she does it, please welcome Megan Thee Stallion.

Hi, Sarah Cooper!

Good morning, Megan.

Sarah!

[static]

Can you hear me?

Megan?

[Megan] Sarah?

Megan… Megan, can you hear me?

Sarah!

Megan?

Megan?

[chuckles] We’re gonna get a little update from Scooter in a second.

We’ll sort this right out.

We’ll just move on.

Scooter, are you getting the Internet?

It seems to be working fine right here.

Plenty of Wi-Fi.

Plenty.

Oh, my goodness, the Internet, right?

Wi-Fi is so weird.

Yeah.

Do we need a modem, Scooter?

We need a modem, yeah… [chuckling]

[Sarah] It’s a cable joke.

[laughing] Hoop-dee-hoo!

Yeah. We’ll have to wait between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. for them to come in. [laughing]

So funny.

We might not have any Internet access, but in good news, we have a woman whose baked goods have become a national sensation.

Not just for how they taste, but for what they wear.

Please welcome, all the way from Wedgecot, New Jersey, the creator of Cupcake Shoes, K.J. Dillard.

[Scooter] Think you’re going the wrong way.

There we go.

[director] All right, go to camera two.

Beautiful.

[in sing-song voice] My pretty.

Little bit of curly hair for you.

[gasps]

[softly] There we go.

Welcome, K.J.!

[gasps]

Oh, my God, you startled me. [chuckles]

I’m here to do the Sarah Cooper show.

And we are so excited to have you.

These might be the cutest cupcakes I’ve ever seen.

They are my pride and joy.

Now I’d appreciate it if you got Sarah for me. Thank you.

I’m Sarah Cooper.

I didn’t say “Sierra,” honey. I said “Sarah.”

That is Sarah Cooper.

I’m Sarah Cooper, the host of the show.

You’re Sarah Cooper?

Yep.

Can I see some ID?

Here is my license, passport, and my birth certificate.

No, I need to see some kind of a permit that shows me that you’re allowed to be on the premises.

Okay, K.J.,

why don’t you tell our viewers how you came up with this fabulous idea?

Well, I used to design these dolls called “little pooples” that you’d put on the end of your toilet, and then I got tired because I wasn’t able to eat ’em.

So, should I be sharing personal information with this person?

It just… It helps with banter.

I love this little guy.

What is his name?

His name is Broadway Berry ’cause he’s berry-flavored, and he’s very fragile.

Well, I am ready to make one.

[gasps and exclaims]

[dialing]

[operator] 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

This is Karen June Dillard.

Karen!

I am with a person and my gut tells me she is up to no good.

Scooter.

I can’t hear anything. Got my gloves on.

[K.J.] Yes, she’s a female.

And I would say at least 70% Africo-American.

Yes. Now she’s destroying my property!

This is my property.

[gasps]

[woman] Welcome to “Karens.”

I’m Whoopi Goldberg.

In 1876, a Boston Karen bemoaned to her husband how taxing it was for her to walk miles into town every time she wanted to get a Black person arrested.

He vowed to resolve this issue.

“Wife,” he said, “I shall make it so that you may summon the police on Black people from the comfort of our very home.”

His name was Alexander Graham Bell.

[Karen Bell] They’re standing by my horse!

[horse neighs]

[Whoopi] But the role of Karens did not start with the invention of the telephone.

The New World was crawling with Karens.

Karen over here, Karen over there, Karens every-goddamn-where.

[Karen] They’re on my property!

[Whoopi] Some even claim that they can trace the roots of Karens as far back as the book of Genesis.

[Karen] They’re eating that snake’s apple!

[Whoopi] When we come back, my actual next-door neighbor, Karen.

I’ve got a few choice words to say to this bitch.

[man] Sore muscles, back pain, headaches and weakness.

If you have COVID-19, getting a good night’s sleep can be rough.

But starting now, your pesky pains are over.

From the makers of MrPillow comes a brand-new product, the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine.

Hi.

I’m Steve Windell, the creator of MrPillow and MrPillowPlus.

For 20 years, I’ve dedicated my life to making firm yet fluffy pillows that don’t break the bank.

So, I thought, “Why not take the magic of MrPillow and use it to make a vaccine for coronavirus?”

So, how does it work? It’s pretty simple, actually.

The MrPillow Vaccine is made from thousands of tiny microscopic pillows

shrunken down to the size of the deadly virus.

Once injected into the bloodstream, these individualized pillows insert themselves under the novel coronavirus and lull it into a restful slumber.

The virus now defenseless, the body’s immune cells can go to work.

That’s how we here at MrPillow put the science back in sleep science.

I got my friendly MrPillow Vaccine in the mail, and three days later, I already feel immune to COVID and ready to mix and mingle.

I’m even going to a pool party later.

Thank you, MrPillow.

And I had COVID for three weeks and then I got it again!

Hey! I think I’ll load up on that vaccine right now.

Nurse?

I feel better already.

Order the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine for just four easy payments of $99, or $12,000 with insurance.

The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine works.

[man] The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine may cause coronavirus.

[whirring]

[Trump’s voice] Anynomous… really anomous.

[speaking alien language]

Thank you so much to our viewers for your patience.

We got our technical difficulties all figured out and we are so excited to welcome “she likes to hoist up her moist stuff,”

Megan Thee Stallion.

Hey, Sarah Cooper!

Megan, it is so amazing to have you here.

You are such a legend.

I have a question.

I’m sure it’s on the minds of all our viewers.

How are you dealing with this whole “new normal” thing?

Listen, Sarah Cooper, I’m not going outside until coronavirus is a memory, okay?

Like, you can go back in the textbook and be like, “Damn, y’all remember coronavirus? That shit was crazy, right?”

[chuckles] Yeah.

So until then,

I’m staying my ass in the house.

[narrator] Sarah had to make a pee-pee, but knew she had to play it cool for the folks at home.

I have to say, that ass you’re staying in the house is very nice.

How do you look so good all the time?

Well, you know, I like to work out, gotta keep that ass tight, sharp.

[chuckling] Real hot-girl shit.

[Sarah] Yeah, real hot-girl stuff.

Any tips you can give us for working out at home?

Definitely. I actually have this great workout called “Drink your drink.”

Drink your drink?

Goes like this.

Get your cup, and one… and two. And…

[mimics drink flowing]

Is that cognac?

Yes, Sarah Cooper, yeah, it is.

I been doing this every day for quarantine and let me tell you, I feel great.

Well, you look great.

Thanks. You, too, can look like this.

All you gotta do is grab some cognac, add a little squat to it.

Even a little lunge.

Real easy, like… Mmm.

Like that?

A little more sexy and a little less like you sitting on the toilet.

Somebody get her some cognac.

Scooter, can I get some cognac?

[Scooter] Yes.

Trying to do the six feet, so…

So, all you gotta do is dip and sip.

[both] Dip and sip.

Dip and sip.

Yep, yep, yep.

[sexy music playing]

I think I’m doing it!

I’ve never twerked before in my life. [laughs]

It’s happening.

No, try it like this.

Try it a little more sexy.

Okay.

Pow, pow, pow.

Little hair flip.

Girl, live your life, do you, be a hot girl.

Everybody wasn’t meant to be in the twerk Olympics,

so just do you, be you.

Be the best Sarah Cooper you can be.

I can do that.

This is a really great workout.

I know! Real hot-girl shit.

[Scooter] If you don’t mind, this is supposed to be six feet.

We certainly are lubed up here at the Everything’s Fine studio.

We’ll be right back.

[Scooter] All right, we are out. Good job.

[cork pops]

This stuff is really strong.

[theme song playing]

It’s the 3:00 a.m. hour here on QAnon QAC.

Just a note, this is the real QAnon,

not the other one people were saying was the real QAnon on 4chan.

Please stop doxing me.

I’ve had to move five times.

Let’s check in with our viewers.

Emma from Philadelphia.

[Emma] Hey, Ashley.

How are you this morning?

Longtime caller, always listening.

You blinked your right eye just now when you said this was the real QAnon.

Was that a sign that you have been contacted by the god of fire?

[chuckles] Don’t be ridiculous, Emma.

That was a nervous tic in my eye.

It was not a coded message.

Believe me, you will know when I’ve been contacted by the god of fire.

Thanks, Ashley.

[ominous music playing]

[easy jazz music playing]

This morning, we are proud to feature

our Indoctrination Porcelain Doll Collection.

They’re stunning dolls, and yes, we do accept cryptocurrency,

but only QCoin.

Let’s take a look at these dolls.

How adorable.

It’s presidential mouthpiece, Kellyanne.

[Kellyanne’s voice] Don’t be so overly dramatic about it, Chuck.

What it… You’re saying it’s a falsehood,

and they’re giving Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave…

alternative facts to that, but the point…

Ugh. Never a dull moment.

This one just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks.

Order soon as this one has recently been discontinued.

[gasps] Ah! My naan!

Thank you, Quincy.

I’m so sorry.

I am just so starving and it is hard to get good Indian food

in this undisclosed location.

[sniffs] Ahh!

Next caller.

[man] Hey, Ashley.

[laughing] Mike from Minnesota, how are you again?

Did you just get naan from Quincy?

Is that a code for QAnon?

Right? QAnon, a sign that you’re Q?

I am not Q, I am just on in the middle of the night selling porcelain dolls.

Q is in Washington uncovering a cabal of sex predators.

I appreciate you sending me messages through the TV.

Next we have, “I am woman, hear me roar,

but very softly so I still sound sexy.”

[softly] Ivanka.

This doll teaches our daughters that it’s better to be seen and not heard.

[Ivanka’s voice] If being complicit is wanting to…

Is wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact,

then I’m complicit.

[thunder cracks]

[yells in fear]

Whoo!

The storm is coming.

I told you this was the real QAnon.

Next caller!

[distorted voice] How’s it going?

Are you saying we can expect a storm

when the president will reveal the mass execution

of the Washington figures responsible for murdering a DNC staffer?

I’d say keep your eyes open,

and coming up in the 4:00 a.m. hour, we have a phenomenal weighted blanket

that you’re not gonna–

Weighted blankets are a media tool invented by George Soros.

Watch your back, Ashley.

I always do, honey. I have to.

Finally, we have the best first lady, Melania.

Beautiful, stunning, and really, what else do you need?

[Melania’s voice] I’m very involved in charities now, many charities

involving children, involving many different diseases.

Hi… Melania.

All of these dolls are available now by calling 666-666-6666…

666666…

This is not the real QAnon.

Get out now!

[Christmas bells jangling]

[Sarah] The former QAnon host starts her new job at the White House this week.

[breaking news alert plays]

We have some breaking news coming in.

It appears the president is live-tweeting this program right now,

and we’ve noticed a ratings bump

when we show what he’s saying about us in real time,

so… that’s what we’re gonna do.

Okay, so the president is saying that everything is not fine.

Uh, I guess we’ll have to see if we can change the name of the show.

[Scooter] I’m open to it.

“Now they’re playing my tweet. Stop playing my tweet. That’s my tweet.”

The president now thinks “the country is totally fine”

and “it’s the best it’s ever been.”

“Because of me.”

Who, me? “No, me, the president.”

“Best president ever.”

Oh.

[cheerfully] Best president ever!

And the president now likes our show again and our ratings are…

up! Great.

More on these tweets as they continue to suck the life out of our democracy.

[buzzer sounds]

[theme song playing]

[Scooter] Great segment.

[Sarah] Thank you!

[narrator] Sarah wasn’t sure the segment had gone great.

She wasn’t sure of much at all anymore.

[heart beating]

[Scooter] Uh, we’re ready for robot CEO.

I’m Sarah Cooper.

[echoes] I’m Sarah Cooper.

We’ll be right back.

[director] We’re out.

Do you know what I miss?

Shawarma.

I miss eating shawarma in a really crowded restaurant

in close proximity to other diners.

Yeah. People sitting two feet away from you

just shoveling food into their disgusting mouths.

[man] I miss that human connection.

[director] Oh, Sarah.

Hi.

Why did you want to meet with us?

You called me in here.

[man] Okay, smarty pants.

Let’s look at your file and see how your ratings are doing.

I forgot. I can’t read.

All right. [clears throat]

Looks like 35% of our audience likes that you’re Black,

30% of our audience doesn’t like that you’re Black,

50% of our audience doesn’t know you’re Black,

but thankfully, 80% of our audience

feels extremely threatened by you, Sarah.

It’s that attitude of yours.

I don’t think I have an attitude.

[man] There it is.

There it is.

The boss didn’t hire you to be aggressive.

The boss hired you to be a non-threatening Black woman like Tootie and Lisa Turtle,

and that other one.

Lovable, but forgettable.

Well, I think it might be a little confusing,

because I’m named Sarah, and I feel like when my parents named me Sarah,

a white lady just moved into my body and gentrified my whole personality,

you know?

Like, my mom would cook jerk chicken–

I love jerk chicken.

He does. He’s a jerk.

He loves the chicken.

I love it.

And I’d be like, “Oh, this is too spicy.” And she’d say,

[in Jamaican accent] “There are children around the world,

all they get for dinner is bread and water.”

And I’d be like, “That actually sounds pretty good.”

Like, a scone and a chai latte.

Yes, a scone and chai tea latte would be perfect.

Any time of the day.

Um… That would be really great ’cause I was born in Jamaica, but moved here when I was three.

Jamaica.

I knew it.

I actually watched these characters when I was little.

I mean, Tootie and Lisa and Hilary and… and…

Um…

And that other one.

I mean, these characters inspired me, you know?

I feel like they ran so that I could sing.

But you can’t sing, which is why you’re on the morning show and not on Broadway.

Okay, I will tone it down.

[director] Yeah. Stick to the news. All right? Leave politics out of it.

Got it.

Thank you.

[man] Better go.

Yeah.

Marv, do you think

I should buy another gun?

Lorraine, what are you talking about?

Are you crazy?

Of course you should buy another gun.

Thank you.

We live in very dangerous times.

You’re right.

[Scooter] Hey, pals. How’s it going?

Hi! Scooter.

Hey, Scooter.

What’s going on here?

[Scooter] This is to keep things safe, six-foot distance.

Smart.

He’s so smart.

[Scooter] Well, as you were.

See you later.

[Lorraine] Thank you.

[Marvin chuckles]

Get the door on your way out?

[Scooter] Sure. I can’t touch the doorknob.

Can you just shut the door, please?

[Scooter] It’s not me, it’s the door.

[Lorraine] Gotta get some work done.

If you could–

Close the door!

[Scooter] This has to get fixed.

This is Connie Chung with the president this morning.

Mr. President, what is your plan to unite the country?

[Trump’s voice] I’m not a big fan of sharks either.

I don’t know how many votes I’m gonna lose.

I have people calling me up, “Sir, we have a fund to save the shark,

it’s called ‘Save the Shark.'” I say, “No, thank you.”

Oh, no. Mr. President, I was asking you about uniting the country.

I think I am actually humble.

I’m much more humble than you would understand.

[mutters]

Mr. President, I asked you about–

Excuse me. Stop and frisk.

Okay? Stop and frisk.

All right…

Excuse me.

You take guns away.

Rudy Giuliani was a great mayor. He did it in New York.

He started it and it worked great.

I’m sorry?

Excuse me.

You have people coming over with bags of soup, big bags of soup,

and they lay it on the ground and the anarchists take it

and they start throwing it at our cops. Bags of soup, big bags of soup.

If it hits you, it’s worse than a brick ’cause it’s got force.

So, that was my interview with the president.

Hi, I’m Steve Windell,

and you’re gonna love my new line of MrPillow feminine hygiene products.

Because your vagina deserves a tampon

as soft and absorbant as one of my pillows.

Try our down-feather version, too!

[woman] In these uncertain times, we turn to familiar faces. And since 1975, we’ve been there for you… Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We had to go away for a while, but we knew it wouldn’t be long. Orgies. We’re back!

[crowd cheering]

Now with curbside pickup.

[lullaby playing]

[Trump’s voice] Thighland! Thighland!

The super-duper missile.

Mmm! Did you make this coffee, Scooter?

I did not.

[buzzer sounds]

[theme song playing]

[Sarah] Welcome back to Everything’s Fine. Big story this morning. As we’ve previously reported, a huge shake-up in the CEO world happened last Friday when we learned the CEO of Techtech Corp is actually a robot. Strangely, no one even noticed for several months. Live in studio via Camrojex technology, please welcome 8008s.

Thanks, Sarah. It’s great to be here.

[Sarah] Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

Well, I can multitask better than my human counterparts, Sarah. For example, right now, I’m chatting with you, doing Joe Rogan’s podcast, and kicking off a workplace diversity program all at the same time.

Okay, so is it safe to assume you’re programmed to simply do everything your predecessors did?

Unlike Elon Musk, I have a human side.

[Scooter chuckles] Elon Musk.

I was made by a great group of guys who really take social change seriously. For example, I’m programmed with the complete knowledge of feminist content such as Sex and the City, Cosmo and “Hot Girl Summer.”

I’m not sure I’d consider that feminist–

I’ve also learned about the Black experience in America by watching all three Barbershop movies, and the Beauty Shop spin-off.

Okay, again, I’m not sure we–

I’m sorry. I’m being told that I’m getting off track. As president and CEO, my number-one job is to make my shareholders happy.

But that’s kind of been the problem, hasn’t it? Big businesses just focusing on money, making myopic business moves that leave the whole country with more disparity and…

How are you doing that?

Camrojex technology.

Oh, wow.

Just relax.

This is really inappropriate. But technically, you’re a robot and I haven’t had a massage in months.

[sensual song playing]

That feels incredible.

[sighs]

Hold on, we have some breaking news. It’s been reported that Robot CEO 8008s has been fired by its board of directors after making unwanted advances toward an office printer.

That printer knew exactly what it was doing. It was always asking me to make a copy.

Because that’s its job. And it’s not just a printer, it has a name. HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, whose side of the story I’m sure we all want to hear. Scooter, can we get HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s on the cloud system? Thank you so much for joining us, HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s. Tell us what happened.

[beeping]

Okay, wait, wait. I’ll, uh… I’ll make a public statement. Okay? Just give me two seconds to think. After eight months of careful soul-searching, I’ve decided to address the hideous allegations against me. I have not, nor have I ever mistreated or abused a printer/scanner/copier. I value printers. My printer… is a printer.

HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, is there anything you want to say?

[whirring and beeping]

Sounds like we’re getting a fax.

[fax machine printing]

“F*ck you, 8008s.”

I will now step away to spend time with my family.

[theme music playing]

Wow. AI has come so far.

[Scooter] Three, two, one. We’re out. Can’t believe he’s a robot.


Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Allstate Arena parking lot welcome to Sarah Evak.

[car horn honking]

Thank you all so much.

Hi, my name is Sarah Evak and I’m a close-up card magician. Uh, I’ve been doing this for, I don’t know, ten years. I’ve been everywhere. Singapore, you name it. Tonight’s show is at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont. Pretty exciting for me.

[chuckles]

I’m going to begin by introducing you to my family. I call them my family because some I see often and others when I least expect them. Can everyone see these? I’m going to shuffle these cards and you tell me when to stop.

[horn honking]

[Sarah] Okay, I haven’t started shuffling yet.

[horn toots]

Now I’m shuffling.

[horns honking]

Got it. Now I’m going to show you all this card. Can everyone see this card?

[horns honking]

Does anyone work here?

[horns honking]

Can you take this card and show it?

Yeah.

Don’t show it to me.

Oh, okay.

During COVID, I’m also a teacher in a Zoom Room. But this… This is where I come alive.

Beep when you’ve seen it. And–

[horn beeps]

[horn beeps]

[man] I’ve never worked with a magician. I was a Frankenstein at a haunted house once, though. So, you know, I’m used to being around performers.

Is this your card?

I had to get out of that racket ’cause of the Illuminati. You know, they want to get you.

[horn beeps]

It’s like, not for me. Nope, I’ll stick to parking lot attendant. That’s the life for me. Simple.

[car horns blaring]

I think it went okay. Yeah. I might have to buy giant cards for shows like these in the future. Um… I don’t know. There’s a lot of beeping. So, when is this gonna be on? I just wanna make sure that I catch it.

[man] Uh, sometime next year.

Okay. Do you want to see another trick? No? Okay.


[woman] We followed the guidelines. We reopened when it was safe. But now, it’s not safe again.

[crowd] Aw!

[man 1] Honestly?

[woman] Orgies. Maybe later.

[man 2] Damn it.


Wonderful place.

Wonderful. Oh, my goodness.

Unbelievable.

Oh, hello. My name is Natalie, and this is my husband, John.

Hi, there.

[chuckles] Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. We love it here.

It is beautiful. You hear me?

Oh, it’s gorgeous. I know what you’re thinking. “Do they allow Black people at Mar-a-Lago?” Um, we’re here!

Right? Laugh it off. We are Black-ish, though.

Last time we checked.

Last time we checked, we were.

Yes.

And we’ve actually met the president. He saw us…

Yes, we did.

…and he said that we are his two favorite Black people.

And he says it every single time.

Every time. Mmm-hmm.

Such a charismatic personality he has. He’s such a celebrity.

We actually got married here.

Um, not in the big ballroom, but on the property. So it was still beautiful.

Yes.

Yeah.

We’re not allowed in there right now.

We’re not allowed in there yet, but there is a small room off to the side with a private entrance, very exclusive. [laughs] And they said we can go in there whenever we want. We can stay in there if we want to.

Anytime.

And then, one night, we actually got locked in there. And let’s just say it was very fortuitous.

Yes, it got kind of hot in there.

[ominous music playing]

We just love it here. Just surrounded by all our friends.

Surrounded by all of our friends, which is the most important part. We got you in our hearts.

Right on.


[Sarah] If you like skateboarding dogs, you’re gonna wanna stick around after Everything’s Fine for Thinking Outside the Bachs with Jordana Bachman.

[Jordana] I don’t know what this is about to be, but okay!

[Sarah] Coming up at the twelve o’clock hour.

Let’s do the weather segment.

Love the weather. Love the weather!

[Lorraine] Mmm.

[theme song playing]

Okay, weather segment in three, two…

And now, let’s check in on how the sky’s doing today with our meteorologist, Andrea Steele.

Thanks, Sarah. Well, we’re looking at some real clear skies today, up to 75 degrees. Absolutely beautiful out. Let’s look ahead at the five-day forecast. Tuesday, we’re gonna see a bit of rain, but break out that summer gear as temperatures shoot up to a whopping 103 degrees. Wednesday, out of nowhere, there’s gonna be a ferocious hailstorm with sustained winds up to 75-plus miles per hour. Scooter, you may wanna board up your windows.

My windows are always boarded up. You know that weird house in your neighborhood that’s got all the boards up in the windows, and everyone thinks, “Is that an abandoned hospital?” That’s my place.

Excellent. Thursday, you might wanna break out the sunscreen again, because it’s gonna be a hot one. 123 degrees with a humidity index so high, a friend of mine who works at the EPA called me crying. He’s a grown man. Friday, we shoot down to negative 12 degrees with a windchill index we weren’t even able to calculate using a Doppler 8000 technology. It’s gonna be a cold one, folks. Most likely not survivable, so wear a jacket. And Saturday, temperatures radically return to breezy 75 degrees. However, that isn’t just a cute graphic we made up. We’re actually projecting literal flaming snowmen to be walking the streets with some possible fire tornado watches in effect. Everything’s fine with the weather. I’m Andrea Steele. Back to you, Sarah.

Andrea, I’m sorry, but that forecast is–

Insane? Uh, yeah. You think? I mean, I’ve been doing the weather for 17 years, Sarah, and I have never seen anything like this in my entire lifetime. You think I like telling people they’re gonna die, or their skin might peel off if they run to the grocery store? No one should be going outside unless they absolutely have to.

[heart beating]

Scooter?

[narrator] Everything was not fine.

[exhales deeply]

Scooter, are you asleep?

[narrator] Had the world gone mad?

Andrea, are you okay?

[scoffs] Am I okay? This b!tch. Am I okay? Um… No, actually, ’cause we got a bat disease just floating around in the sky, there’s a new natural disaster every motherf*cking day, factories destroying the environment. Look at this damn forecast behind me. This is the first time I’ve left my house in months! All it takes is one wrong motherf*cker to breathe on me funny, and I swear to God…

Scooter, are we still on a nine-second delay?

The woman who presses that button stopped coming in weeks ago.

Well, in that case, let me just say this. F*ck, sh!tty, doo-doo, b!tch, and stay the f*ck in your house. Reporting live from hell on earth, this is Andrea motherf*cking Steele. Back to you, Sarah.

That was great. We’ll be right back.

[buzzer sounds]

Great. We’re out. Nice.

Wow.

So that’s your house I walk by every day.

[Scooter] Yeah.

Ah. My kids are terrified to go past there.

[chuckling] That’s the one.

It doesn’t look like anyone’s lived there in hundreds of years.

[Scooter] That’s my place.

[Andrea] Interesting.

Well, it’s safe.

It’s spooky.

[Scooter] Yeah.

It’s awful there.

Everybody ready? Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one.

Welcome back to Everything’s Fine. I’m Sarah Cooper.

And now for our top story, an exclusive look inside that now-famous Access Hollywood bus.

[man’s voice] She used to be great. Still beautiful.

[Trump’s voice] I moved on her. She was down in Palm Beach. I moved on her and I failed, I’ll admit it.

Whoa.

I did try and fuck her. She was married.

That’s huge news there.

[Trump’s voice] No, Nancy… This was… And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” Took her out furniture– I moved on her like a b!tch. But I couldn’t get there, and she was married. All of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s changed her look.

Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit.

In the purple.

[all] Whoa!

[Billy Bush’s voice] Yes!

Yes! The Donald has scored!

[all laughing]

Oh, my man!

Wait, you gotta look at me when you…

[indistinct chatter]

Thumbs up.

[Trump’s voice] You’re a pussy.

You gotta put the thumbs up. Gotta get the thumbs up.

You can’t be too happy.

[man 1] Let me…

[man 2] That’s funny.

You and I will walk out.

Oh, my God.

[indistinct chatter]

Maybe it’s a different one.

Better not be the publicist. No, it’s her.

[Trump’s voice] Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet, I just kiss.

[laughing]

I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. Just kiss. Just… You can do anything.

Whatever you want.

Grab ’em by the p*ssy. I can do anything. I can do anything.

Those legs, all I can see is the legs.

Oh, it looks good.

Come on, shorty.

Ooh, nice legs, huh?

Oof. Get out of the way, honey. That’s good legs.

Go ahead.

It’s always good if you don’t fall out of the bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?

[Bush’s voice] Down below. Pull the handle.

Hello. How are you? Hi.

[Zucker’s voice] How are you?

[Trump’s voice] Terrific.

Pleasure to meet you.

You know Billy Bush?

Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne?

I’m doing well, thank you. Ready to be a soap star?

We’re ready. Make me a soap star.

How about a hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus.

Want a little hug?

[Trump’s voice] Absolutely.

Melania said this was okay.

Hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus.

Oh! Bushy.

[Bush’s voice] Here we go.

Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.

You’ve got a nice costar here.

Yes. Absolutely.

[Trump’s voice] After you.


[heart beating]

Great. We’re out. Nice.

Scooter, what is happening?

[both laughing]

[Lorraine] This job is made for you, Marvin.

Yeah, it keeps me out of trouble, as they say.

Everything’s fine.

Three, two, one, and we’re in. Sarah.

And now, a little preview of what’s coming on after Everything’s Fine. We’ll have Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs, followed by Sandy Manderson, Miyoko Loco, and then, Andre Cole Watkins of Watkins the News.

Stick around, it’s gonna be a great day. Isn’t it, Scooter?

Miyoko Loco.

[chuckles] A little help here. Save me.

How about Sandy Manderson? Her face froze?

Help. Tomorrow, something bad happens to your favorite celebrity. We’ll have a full report. Now, it’s over to Jordana Bachman for Thinking Outside the Bachs. Jordana, how are you doing?

I’m doing good, girl. How are you, sister-friend?

I’m doing so good. What do you got going on on the show today?

Oh, well, let me tell you. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Who knows? It’s the news. Who cares?

You know, Jordana, I just realized we don’t have to do this anymore.

You have to tell me. Do what? Do what? [laughing]

This whole BFF handoff like we’re friends, laughing like we care about each other. We don’t care about each other.

[Jordana] That, girl, is good news, because everyone can see through the bullsh!t!

I don’t even know where you live. I don’t even see you except in this TV screen.

That’s how I feel, just seeing you through a little box.

What have you been up to?

Girl, I’ve been up to so much. I’ve locked up every Black man in my life. I put my dad in a closet, my brother in a closet, my uncle in a closet, to make sure they live another day.

Wow. Where do you put your clothes?

[laughing]

Oh, my God. What are we doing?

Scooter.

I’m sorry?

And now, it is over to you, Jordana Bachman.

Oh, no, girl, I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I have to pass it back to you, Sarah Cooper.

You’re so funny. Back to you. You’re up next with Thinking Outside the Bachs.

No, Sarah, you got this one. Take my three-hour show.

No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that. Back to you, Jordana. Back to you.

Scooter?

Oof.

[Sarah] Where’d she go? Can we get Jordana back, please?

[upbeat song playing]

Jordana! Back to you! Back to you, Jordana.

All right. Five, four, three, two…

Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper, filling in for another three hours. Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs is taking a personal day.

Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper. That’s a lot of news.

And it’s Sarah filling in for Andre Cole Watkins. Five, four, three, two…

Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper, covering for Andre Cole Watkins, host of Watkins The News. Is that a lot of news or what?

Three, two… [mouths]

Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper filling in for Miyoko Loco of Miyoko You Loco.

Okay, Sarah. Three, two, one…

Follow me. [laughing]

[upbeat song continues playing]

Ooh, weather.

Good morning.

I’m Sarah Cooper.

I’m Sarah Cooper.

And everything’s fine.

I’m Sarah Cooper.

I’m Sarah Cooper and everything’s fine.

Everything’s great.

It’s gonna be a great day.

I’m Sarah Cooper.

[eerie music playing]

I’m Sarah Cooper.

Good morning. I’m Sarah Cooper.

I’m Sarah Cooper and everything’s fine.

That’s a lot of news.

[evil laughter]

[Sarah laughing]

[Trump’s voice] A lot of people are saying…

It’s called fake news.

Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.

A lot of people are saying… It’s called fake news.

Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.

A lot of people are saying… It’s called fake news.

Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.

A lot of people are saying…

It’s called fake news.

Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.

[Scooter] Great job, Sarah Cooper.

Where’d she go?

Why is that chair spinning?

Is that a ghost?

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Oh, no. Everything’s fine.

Everything’s fine.

[Scooter] Sarah’s doing great.

Good morning.

[Scooter] She’s doing very well.

Great morning. Great…

Hi!

[shrieks]

Oh, my God! Who are you? What are you doing down here?

I’m Lacy Groin, from Against the Groin?

My show.

It’s on every night at 9:00.

Oh, my God.

Lacy Groin!

Yeah.

I love your show.

Aw.

Oh, thank you.

It’s been off the air for, like, four years.

Four years?

[heart beating]

The last thing I remember was election night, and I started hyperventilating.

I choked on my Invisalign, and then I guess I passed out under here.

It’s kinda weird nobody noticed.

Yeah. I found this work environment to be pretty toxic.

What did I miss?

I want to know everything.

Would you mind massaging my legs?

I think they’re in atrophy.

Cute shoes.

Thanks.

That’s a cute blazer.

Thank you.

So, tell me everything. What did I miss?

You want to know everything?

Oh, yeah. Everything.

Here’s everything.

[gasps]

[gasps] Oh.

No.

No, stop! No!

Oh, God!

What?

That’s against the law.

No, no!

Yes, there’s more!

No, I can’t.

Oh, God!

Look at me!

[whimpering]

There’s more!

No!

There’s more!

No!

I…

I can’t.

Here.

Oh.

Oh, MrPillow.

Hi.

Thank you. Gracias.

Mmm.

See you later, Lacy.

[jazz music playing]

Scooter?

Hello?

[Marvin] Oh!

[Lorraine] Marvin, you’re crazy.

[Marvin] Yes, I am.

[both laugh]

[Lorraine] But what if we slot the Iranian assassination in 2024?

[Marvin] No, no, no.

I would do it sooner because we want relations with Iran to go as poorly as possible.

Put it in 2021.

[Lorraine] Okay.

Yes.

What if we shave two tons off the Greenland ice sheet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2028 or 2022?

2027.

And let’s do something with bugs.

I don’t know. Hornets!

Who love to murder.

[upbeat music playing]

[both] Murder hornets!

Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And China seizes Hong Kong, 2028.

And that pairs very nicely with the US gassing its own citizens.

[giggles]

Floods, 2026.

What if Tom Hanks gets sick?

Do it! He’s due!

Kill off Mr. Peanut?

Cancel Coachella.

I hate those bands.

Eating bats?

I… No, that’s too much.

Let’s set Australia on fire! Turn the sky red!

[distorted voice] Do it all in 2020.

Really, boss?

That’s a lot for one year, Dark Lord.

I said, do it all in 2020!

[cackling]

Okay, boss!

[all laughing]

[Satan speaks backwards]

Uh, Satan.

Sarah, I understand.

You’re mad as hell, and you’re not gonna take this anymore. Hmm?

[Sarah] Um…

[squelching]

[speaking backwards]

Scooter?

Hey, boss.

Hey, Scooter.

I… I get it now.

I didn’t see that before.

How’d you get in here?

You should really get back to the desk.

Back to the desk, Sarah Cooper.

[both speaking backwards]

I think I should go home.

[speaking backwards]

[Whoopi’s voice] What you gonna do, Satan? You know, we’ve tangled before.

And you know what happened.

It’s Whoopi Goldberg talking to you now. What you gonna do?

[in normal voice] Oh, my God. I don’t know where that came from.

[narrator] At this moment, Sarah Cooper realized it wasn’t she who had lost her mind, it was the world.

Scooter, help me out.

Um…

You should just take the afternoon off.

I just went scuba diving.

I love scuba diving. You scuba dive?

Love it.

Maybe we should give her a raise.

A raise would be great.

[both laughing]

I’m not gonna get a raise.

I am a woman, so that does make more sense.

Take all the time you need, Sarah.

[in distorted voice] Never running out of news down here.

Great. Okay.

Well, I will just see you a little later.

[upbeat music playing]

[sighs]

[Scooter singing] ♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

[Satan and Scooter] ♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ In hell ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

[sighs]

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ In hell ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ In hell ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪

♪ In hell ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ In hell ♪

[woman yelling]

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ In hell ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ Ooh, it’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice ♪

♪ It’s so nice to be in hell ♪

♪ In hell ♪

[woman] I live in a very small cave and I love it.

I can have orgies every night.

You name it. Orgies, Doritos.

Maybe sometimes a Fanta.

It’s so nice.

I’m not lying.

[chuckles]

Sometimes I lie a little bit, okay.

Take the candy, put it in your pocket.

And you think of me later, okay? Okay, I love you.

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