Original air date: December 20, 2020
[rock music]
You again? [scoffs] You really wanna know what happened last week on Shameless? The same old shit as last week. When you work for a living, the weeks just seem to blur together, you know what I mean?
??
[sighs] Don’t judge me. It’s not like she wouldn’t be drinking by the third grade growing up in this neighborhood. Go.
[The High Strung The Luck You Got (Shameless Theme Song) playing]
♫ Think of all the luck you got ♫
♫ Know that it’s not for naught ♫
♫ You were beaming once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
♫ Round up the friends you got ♫
♫ Know that they’re not for naught ♫
♫ You were willing once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
Just put on the dress, Franny!
No, no, no!
I need to take your picture for Little Miss South Side. Don’t you want to be Little Miss South Side?
No!
Dress.
Pants!
Dress!
Pants!
[rock music]
Can you at least brush your own teeth?
[Franny] No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[door slams]
[sighs]
??
Your room is gonna be swimming in constellations, little man.
Like Cassiopeia.
Can you say…
[Tami] Cassiopeia.
Hey.
[Fred] [cooing]
Hey.
How’s baby?
I was up all night with Cami and Brad at the ER.
Baby’s lost a lot of weight.
They ran a bunch of tests, but they still can’t figure out why he’s not eating.
He’s gonna be okay, though, right?
They’re meeting with the doctor in a couple hours so I’m gonna shower, head back, hold Cami’s hand.
Brad was hoping you could open up at BornFree.
Yeah, sure. I’ll take Fred.
Cool.
Hey, you wanna hit that switch right there?
Oh, yeah.
[both chuckling]
[Fred] [cooing]
Wow.
Yeah, right?
[upbeat rock music]
Oh, Milton’s coming by later.
Thought he was on an aircraft carrier somewhere.
He’s on leave. He’s getting married.
Mm.
Coming by to look for his dress shoes in those boxes left in the garage.
??
Take it, you dirty convict.
Thought you weren’t gonna f*ck me until I got a real job, huh?
Oh, I got my eyes closed, pretending you’re a Jonas Brother.
Which one?
Uh, Joe.
F*ck you. I’m totally Nick.
[both grunting]
[Ian] What the…
Call me Nick, you Jonas-loving slut.
Whoa, hey. The f*ck you doing?
I’m gonna get you pregnant. Come on.
This isn’t how we do it.
Well, it’s not how we normally do it.
Been watching a lot of prison porn.
Kinda feel like making you my bitch.
I’m not your bitch.
Well, when I bottom, I power bottom, so even then, you’re totally my bitch.
And we’re done.
Oh, come on. Where you goin’?
[Ian] To whack off in the shower.
Oh… [scoffs]
All right, well, you know, I guess I’ll just drill the f*ck outta my hand too.
Maybe color it orange, call it Ian.
[door slams]
How was your first day as a cop?
[Carl] Pfft, seen more action playing Minecraft on the shitter.
This stuff is delicious.
You high?
As the Willis Tower.
Fringe benefit of being the Alibi’s chief quality control officer and weed sommelier.
Gotta fuel up for a big day of pot purchases.
Franny, breakfast!
[Franny] No!
[chuckles] I’m gonna kill her.
I’m gonna choke her with her cargo pants until she’s dead.
Still won’t put on the dress?
Won’t put on her dress, won’t brush her hair, won’t brush her teeth, won’t pack her own backpack.
Why can’t Little Miss Sunshine wear pants?
‘Cause it’s not Little Mr. Sunshine, Carl.
Sounds like gender conformity.
It’s not my world, Liam. I just live in it.
[footsteps on stairs]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Who you guys think is the man in our relationship?
[Frank] You are.
[Carl and Liam] Ian.
Yeah, Neanderthal.
There’s no man in our relationship.
But if there was, it’d be me.
Okay, well, who sticks it in who?
I do.
Irrelevant.
And my dick’s longer.
Mine’s wider, which is the only metric that matters.
Look at him. He’s too pretty to be the man.
I’m pretty?
You have the hairless body of a preteen girl.
Well, you like sticking it up my shitter, so what does that say about you?
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Baby on board. Christ.
Uh, Pop Tart or banana?
Uh, Pop Tart. Whoa, Debs.
You’re looking especially, um…
Boobularly abundant.
Hot Lesbian Convict Handywoman.
Customers love it. More work than I can handle.
Franny, let’s go!
[footsteps on stairs]
I gotta go poop!
[Debbie] No, Franny. No!
Huh.
If I’m late to work, I’m gonna lose this client.
[Tami] If I’m gonna drop you off before the doctor,
we have to go.
Hey, can you guys drop me off at the precinct on your way to the warehouse?
[Debbie] Would one of you guys take Franny to school, please?
I’d really appreciate it.
[Lip] Yeah.
[Ian] Sure, whatever.
Thank you.
Carl, you get shotgun.
“Ianna” here can ride bitch.
F*ck that.
Bye, buddy.
[Ian] Hey, wait up.
[toilet flushing]
Mommy?
[sighs] Come on, Franny.
Everyone left. I’ll take you to school again.
Everyone? What am I, chopped liver?
You’re Frank.
You don’t think I can get my granddaughter to school?
You just said you’re high as the Willis Tower.
I’ve been high, drunk, or both for every major moment in all of your lives.
I think I can handle something as minor…
[Liam] Okay.
[soft upbeat music]
Okay what?
Okay, see you.
??
Why the hell did I do that?
??
F*ck.
[Veronica] Smile, girls.
[camera shutter clicks]
[gasps]
There are my little Miss South Sides.
V, I ordered a few things.
Better not be any more toilet paper…
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You gonna go kill Bill?
Oh you like the drip? It’s cool, right?
I got something for the girls for their photo shoot.
Ahh, yeah!
[Gemma and Amy] [cheering]
No!
[Kev] Yes.
Little Miss South Side is about finding the perfect representative for the neighborhood.
What South Side girl can afford a fur coat?
A girl whose parents are getting rich selling pot.
I got us something too.
Oh!
Versace?
Versocky.
S-O-C-K-Y. Knockoffs.
But we’re making baller money now.
We should dress like ballers.
People have been looking down on me my entire life for being foster-kid poor.
I just wanna walk the streets wearing my Versocky tracksuit with my head held high looking down on everyone else for once.
We need to be saving that money.
Return it. All of it.
How about I return the stuff that I got for you and the girls but I keep my new stuff because… I’m a grown-ass man and I can wear whatever I want?
Can I wear it today at least? I’ll return it tomorrow.
Fine.
[giggles]
But not the girls. Give it back, and let’s go to school.
Why, Mom?
Mom.
Because Mommy hates joy. That’s why.
[Veronica] Let’s go, girls.
Grab these masks, grab these bags.
We gotta go. Come, come, come.
[upbeat music]
??
Kev, what have you done to our truck?
Nothing.
Just new rims and a bangin’ stereo.
??
Bang. [chuckles]
You see how I went down?
It kinda hurt, though.
[Liz] After you weld the leak under the sink, can you fix the toilet?
It’s doing one of those things where the water keeps running.
[Debbie] Sure.
And also, the light bulb in the fridge is out.
Can you change it?
You want to pay me to change a light bulb?
Mm-hmm. Oh, and the shower isn’t draining.
Probably a hair clog. Sorry.
[phone buzzing]
Oh, a bunch of the doorknobs are loose.
_
Can you go around and tighten all of them?
[Debbie] Shit.
Oh, I have this squeaky…
You can just say no.
Oh, no. I can do that.
[Liz] Oh, okay.
Also, there’s some holes in the wall in the master bedroom that need patching up.
Oh, also, I have been dying to mount the TV in the living room, if you don’t mind.
But the walls are thin, so just… careful with the drill.
Did you get all that?
[Debbie] Yeah.
Great. All right, I gotta get to work.
Please wear your mask all day, please.
And when you’re done, you can just pull the door closed behind you.
It’ll lock automatically.
Great.
And, uh, can I get a picture for Instagram?
My Ladies Who Lesbian group will flip.
Sure, yeah.
Do you have anything sexy you can hold up?
Oh, my God, that is so hot. All right, whoo!
[drill whirring]
[laughing] Oh, wow.
[laughing] All right, great.
Thank you. Have a great day.
[Debbie] Yeah, you too.
[upbeat music]
[scoffs] Come on, guys.
??
_
And that, Franny dear, is how your mother was conceived.
Okay, kiddo.
Thank you for your intellectually challenging conversation.
Go get ’em in there.
And remember, always throw the first punch.
[Franny] This isn’t my school.
Yeah, it is.
It’s the school named after the Black writer lady.
[Franny] I go to Maya Angelou Elementary.
The poet, Maya…
I don’t know where.
Uh, so it’s boring, old prose for you.
Go on in. [chuckles]
[softly] F*ck.
[normally] Ah, what the hell.
Schools are all bullpucky anyway.
Let’s get you some real world experience.
Today is Take Your Grandkid to the Work Day.
You like that?
Yeah.
I just made that up. Come on.
[siren wailing in distance]
[Ridgeley] Gallagher!
[Carl] Yes, sir.
How’s Officer Tipping?
Life support. 60/40 chance of recovery.
F*ck.
Got you a new partner. Try not to kill this one!
Sergeant James!
Yo, Billie!
Shit,
you really do look like Billie Eilish.
Huh. Well, what do you say, Billie?
Should we go get our dicks wet?
Yes, ma’am.
Mm-kay.
Open at last, open at last!
Thank the almighty mayor, we are open at last.
Yo, drunks! Rise up.
[Kermit] Bars are officially open again?
Until there’s another spike in cases.
I give it two weeks, tops.
All right, look. See?
My girls have Little Miss South Side written all over their faces.
Well, that one, anyway. She’s something special.
Who, Gemma? Yeah, she is.
Kev, they are both special.
Gemma’s just a little more special.
What’s Little Miss South Side?
It’s the South Side Better Business Bureau’s annual contest to find a face for all their advertising, a face that shows hope and promise.
Makes you forget about the looting and tear gas.
A face that makes you want to spend money in the community.
I think Gayle King was Little Miss South Side.
And maybe Shelly Obama.
Oh.
[door opens]
One case of expired brownie mix.
Take a Schlitz and my payment, ple… hey.
Jesus Christ, Kev.
What is with the giant erection and those f*ckin’ awful banana pants?
[chuckles] It’s my money roll.
New thing I’m trying out.
Show people how rich I am without saying anything because V doesn’t allow me to announce it out loud.
She’s the dom top in your marriage, then.
Damn right.
You wanna thin out your money roll for our brownie dealer, please?
And do not stretch those things out.
You’re returning them tomorrow.
Hey, how much it cost to use that shitty gym thing next door?
KevFit? $20 a session.
Lifetime membership for a Bitcoin.
Got a lot of takers on that, do you?
$10 a session for friends and family.
Well, there’s ten boxes in here at 2 bucks each so… sign me up for two sessions.
Since when do you work out?
Since I married a body-shamer.
You know that Ian thinks he’s the man in the relationship just ’cause he sticks it to me and can do a few bicep curls?
I mean, clearly, I am the man.
But figure if I go pump some iron, you know, make it more clearly clear that…
[stammers] More f*cking clear.
Kev, where’s the cash from the pot sales last week?
It’s not in the safe, and the liquor guy’s coming.
I didn’t feel comfortable leaving it in the safe because it’s the first place robbers would look.
So…
it’s like a piggy bank, but it’s a keg.
It’s a keggy bank.
You’ve been shoving our pot cash in a keg under the bar?
Of course not.
Net profits are in the keg, the money for Frank to do pickups is in the bench cushion, and the cash to pay off the liquor guy is in an envelope taped under the pool table.
You can’t be hiding our cash all around the bar.
You can’t just put it in a bank?
The banks are licensed by the feds, but pot isn’t legal nationally, so banks won’t take pot money.
I thought money was money.
[Mickey] They’ll take it if you just launder it first.
Just cash it in for chips at the Indian Casino, down a few free cocktails for a couple hours, then cash chips back out.
Clean money.
All right. Time to go get swole.
Swole?
Swole. Like swole.
[rock music]
Eh, f*ck you, Kermit.
??
[mouths word]
??
[scanner beeps]
[indistinct chatter]
??
Hey, how long you two been married?
[George] About 14…
[Doris] 15.
[George] 15 years.
[Ian] Uh-huh. Would you guys consider yourselves equals in the relationship?
[George] Yeah.
[Doris] No way.
[George] What the f*ck, Doris? I do shit around the house.
[Doris] What, throw a dish in the dishwasher once a week?
Yeah, I take out the trash. I fix stuff.
So I can re-fix what you fix?
Oh…
[Doris] A man thinks if he brings home a paycheck and, I don’t know, mows the lawn every once in a while that he can throw his feet up in front of the TV and call it a day. Meanwhile, his wife does the same shit at work for less pay and still has to pick up after her husband when she goes home.
That’s bullshit.
Really?
Yeah.
[Doris] I went to take care of my mom in Ohio when she caught the virus. Came back. George hadn’t done the laundry for a month.
Tell him what happened.
[George] I got a rash under my balls.
[Doris] From reusing his underwear.
[George] Reusing my underwear.
Women performed $1 1/2 trillion in unpaid housework last year. So the answer is no, Red. Two people are never equal in a relationship. The woman always does more.
Honey, he’s gay. They’re both men.
Gender’s a social construct, but thank you.
[Doris] No. One of you is the woman. Who does more cooking or cleaning, you or your husband?
Neither of us.
[Doris] Who provides more emotional support?
Don’t know what that is.
[Doris] Kids to take care of?
Nope.
Ah, see? There. Equals.
[Doris] You both have jobs?
Uh, Mickey? Ish.
Who makes more money?
He does.
You do more work for less money? I got news for you, honey. You’re the woman.
[laughter]
Atrial septal…
[doctor] Atrial septal defect. A hole in your baby’s heart.
Is it life-threatening?
Under normal circumstances, not immediately, but there are risks.
Like what?
Heart failure.
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Will it close on its own as he gets older?
[doctor] Unfortunately, no.
There’s an opening on the surgical schedule Tuesday.
Let’s get you squared away with a payment plan.
Payment plan?
[doctor] For your copay.
How much we talking about?
It doesn’t matter, Brad.
[Brad] How much?
[doctor] Your insurance company will need to give you a proper estimate.
Ballpark it for us.
[doctor] Well, assuming no complications, your baseline copay could be around $65,000.
Oh, my God, what?
Wait, they need to come up with $65,000 before Tuesday?
Well, with the payment plan…
So they can save their kid on layaway.
[Cami] Mask up, Tami.
Well, how is she supposed to see how pissed I am if she can’t see my face?
I mean, their baby is dying.
[doctor] He’s not dying yet.
If he were, the hospital would have to treat him regardless of your ability to pay.
So it’s 65 grand?
Or you can wait until he’s almost dead.
Stop, Tami.
Upbeat music playing
??
My most important function at the Alibi is to procure the finest product at the lowest price so Aunt Kev and Uncle V can sell it at a massive markup.
[bell chimes]
_
Side note… learn a few words of Armenian.
They run the underworld, and they appreciate the effort.
Now, the key to any negotiation is to set your target and to stick to it.
What’s your favorite number?
Seven.
Oof. It’s low.
But it’ll be a good test of your aptitude.
Now when I ask you a question, you say, “Seven.”
Don’t sound angry, but speak firmly.
_
Mm. What do you want, Frank?
Ten ounces of your best, madam.
Mm-hmm.
And who is this?
This? This is my granddaughter.
She can tell you the exact per-gram wholesale worth of any type of marijuana available.
Total savant.
What is your name, girl?
Uh, idiot savant. Severe learning disabilities.
Doesn’t know anything it has to do with pot evaluation.
[chuckles]
She’s like Rain Man, only a girl.
She’s Rain Girl.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Is that…
Peruvian Mother Sativa.
Well, Peru had a wet spring, but if that’s what you’ve got.
Franny, what do you think?
Seven.
[Mrs. Grigoryan] [scoffs]
You’re kidding me.
Clients are paying 11 per gram.
Franny?
Seven.
[chuckles]
Should we compromise? Maybe…
Seven, seven!
[stomps]
Looks like it’s seven.
Or… we walk.
[Leesie] My philosophy is no wrong is too small for a cop to make right.
Like this motherf*cker.
Arturro knows he’s not gonna make it across the road before the light turns, but he still begins his journey
after “don’t walk” starts blinking.
Whole reasons he’s in a wheelchair to begin with is because he started crossing too late a decade ago.
Got hit by a streetsweeper. [sighs]
Motherf*cker never learns.
[siren whoops]
Yo, Arturro.
Let me help you, man.
Officers, I’m going as fast as I can.
Don’t go faster, go sooner.
What? What?
All right, now you get your paraplegic ass back to the side of the road and you stay here until the little, white dude blinks at you.
What? This is…
I said stay, motherf*cker. Just stay.
Yeah. Stay, motherf*cker.
[phone chimes]
_
[Debbie] It’s just snacks, guys.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
F*ck these guys.
[phone ringing]
Yes.
Hey, where have you been?
Sorry, I’ve been busy. What’s up?
[Debbie] Do you have food at your house?
I need you to run some snacks to Franny’s school.
Well, I’m not home.
I mean, I guess I could run to the store.
Never mind. It’ll be too late.
I’ll just borrow some food from my client’s house.
Pick me up on the way.
I can help you relax.
No, I can’t.
I gotta run these snacks to school, and then I gotta go to the store and replace what I took, and then I gotta get back here and finish all this work.
[Sandy] Dude, okay. We could… fingerbang on the way. It’ll help, I promise.
No.
Fine. Where are you?
Yeah?
Uh…
Parker and Sandusky.
What the hell are you doing over there?
[phone beeps]
[rock music]
??
Damn. It’ll lock.
??
[indistinct chatter]
F*ck it.
? I got a… I got a… ?
? Baby, I got a whole lot of money ?
? Whole… whole lot of money ?
? Whole lot of money whole… whole lot of money ?
K-Ball?
[Kev] What’s up, what’s up?
Yo, what’d you do to your truck?
Oh, what you talking about, man?
The wheels, the boomin’ bass?
Making a little money now.
Okay.
I would stay and hoop wit’ y’all but I gotta take this cash to the Indian Casino and launder it.
Take it to the bank.
Those gold spinners I got coming in ain’t gonna pay for themselves, you know what I’m saying?
This man.
[Kev] [chuckles]
All right, y’all. Mad respect.
[‘Bron] Nice. Stay up.
? I got a whole lot of money ?
? Whole… whole lot of money ?
Damn, man. Baller truck.
That’s what good, old fashioned bootstrap-pulling will do for ya.
Started with a bar and a dream.
Now I own the bar and a dispensary and a gym all under one roof.
You should stop in some time. The Alibi.
Give you a discount from you being from the neighborhood.
Ugh. Dude, he got a boner.
No. Oh, that? No, that’s my money roll.
Oh, cool, cool.
Can we have it?
Hmm?
[gun clicks]
Oh, no.
[cashier] Five bucks even.
What is this shit?
Oh, you know. Just some powdered donuts…
No, no, no. F*ck coffee and donuts.
No, you gotta treat your body like a temple.
Look.
Red Bull for sustained energy, turkey jerky for protein, gingko biloba to stay mentally sharp.
Listen, you got a perp with an axe coming towards you at the end of a long day, you don’t wanna be fighting to remember what side of your body you keep your gun on.
Now let’s go. You can have some of mine.
Wait, uh…
[Leesie] What are you doing, Gallagher? Let’s go!
We don’t pay for shit.
What are they gonna do, call the cops on us?
[dispatch] We have a 1080 on the north side of Lincoln Park.
All available officers on the scene.
1080. What is that, a car chase?
Yup. Let’s go.
Hey, hey. Why you riding shotgun?
What? You want me to drive?
Well, you ain’t gonna learn nothing from the passenger seat.
F*ck yeah.
[rock music]
??
[siren wailing]
[lively drumming]
[Frank] Seven.
Franny?
Seven!
No wonder Ian’s always in such a bad mood.
Forgot how much working out f*ckin’ blows.
V, got any protein shakes?
I’m just kidding. Give me a Guinness.
Give me the bat! Give me the bat.
Give me the bat, V.
Holy… Kev, what happened?
I got robbed, V.
They took my bling, my money roll.
Your pants.
Dignity.
They got the JL 12-inch TW1 speakers I installed in the truck.
[Veronica] How did they get those?
They took the truck.
Please tell me this is after you laundered our money and made the bank deposit.
I could tell you that… but I’d be lying.
Kev.
Oh, hey, buddy. Oh!
Why don’t we, uh, stick to the binky instead of, you know, rusty metal, huh?
[phone ringing]
[Lip] There you go.
Hey, it’s your mama. Hey.
How soon can you sell that bike?
[Lip] Huh?
The Indian in the garage. How soon?
Well, it’s not done.
[Tami] I know, but how much could you get for it, like, right now?
Slow down. What’s going on?
He’s got a hole in his heart.
[stammers] The baby?
[Tami] No, Brad. Yes, the baby.
They’re gonna operate on Tuesday if Brad and Cami can prove they can cover the $65,000 copay before then.
What?
Dad is trying to pull together some cash, but his business is in the crapper since the COVID shutdown, and I’ve got a few thousand in savings, but…
Yeah, no, I mean I can put the Indian on eBay, but it probably wouldn’t sell by Tuesday.
[Tami] Do you think Debbie would sell her truck?
No, considering that’s how she makes a living.
What about the rest of the Gallaghers? What do they got?
Uh, 50 bucks in the squirrel fund and a cupboard of expired cereal.
[Tami] Are you telling me the Gallaghers can’t do anything here?
Okay, Aunt Oopie is gonna pawn some jewelry.
Uh, Cory’s donating the money she made posing nude at that art school.
Everyone is making sacrifices.
Yeah, well, the Tamiettis have things they can sacrifice, all right? Liam and Carl still share underwear.
Look, um, I’m in this with you, all right?
100%.
We’ll help Brad and Cami figure it out.
Okay.
It’s just…
yeah, I don’t know what they’re gonna do, so… [sniffles]
Um, I gotta get back upstairs, but I’ll check in with you in a bit, okay?
[Lip] All right. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
[Tami] Bye.
[rock music]
??
My wrist is cramping.
I’m sorry. I’m just too stressed.
So what if she wouldn’t put on the damn dress?
I need to get a photo for Little Miss South Side.
Girls wear pants, Debbie.
Whatever. Let’s just drop it.
She’s coming.
Hi, Debbie.
Hey.
Sorry I’m not 500 feet away, but…
That’s okay. I won’t tell if you won’t. [chuckles]
Uh, so I brought flax seed crackers, organic split pea hummus, and green juice pressed from vegetables.
[Sandy] You’re kidding.
I’m sure they’ll… love it.
[Debbie] Mm-hmm.
So good of you to stick to snack duty with Franny not at school today. Thanks again.
Wait, what? Franny’s not at school?
[Sandy] What the f*ck?
[rock music]
Okay, stick your nose in that. Tell me what it needs.
??
That is exactly what I would’ve chosen.
We’re gonna call this recipe Little Half-Mexican Red in your honor.
Here.
Stick your pinky in there and pack it in nice and tight.
??
There you go. That’s really good.
This reminds me of the time your mother helped Grammy Monica and me measure out some premium Columbian blow.
[chuckles]
One of my favorite memories of your mother.
??
You know, that might’ve been your Aunt Fiona.
Hmm.
Okay.
Back when I was in college, I would be embarrassed to roll a joint like that.
Today, I’ll take it.
??
_
[Sandy] Not in there?
No.
Did you ask them who took Franny to school?
Yeah, I just did.
Well, what are they saying?
“Don’t know,” “Not sure,” “F*ck if I know,” “Don’t know.”
Well, who was supposed to know?
“Don’t know,” “Not me,” “F*ck if I know,” “Frank.”
Frank?
They left her with Frank?
Where is he now?
“Bar,” “dumpster,” “Hooker’s vag,” “Leave me alone, Debbie.”
[Debbie] Huh.
It’s lunchtime, so Frank’s probably tanked at the Alibi already.
I’m gonna f*cking kill ’em all.
[siren wailing]
[huffs] This blows.
I told you.
You take 41, you get pinned to the lake with traffic.
Think I’ma get in trouble for busting out that headlight?
Nah. German Shepherd should’ve looked both ways before crossing the street.
Check this out.
What you see?
[Carl] Old lady screaming into her phone, couple lookie-loos.
[Leesie] Okay, now that lookie-loo right there.
Tell me about him.
White guy. Mid-20s.
Looks like he wants to be Macklemore.
We should talk to him.
Lone white kid in the vicinity where a Black man’s getting arrested?
90% chance Black guy’s his drug dealer.
Ain’t that racial profiling?
Black is as Black does.
But you’re Black.
Bitch, I’m blue.
Yo, can we talk?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, where you going?
None of your business, Lady Po-Po.
[Leesie] Oh. Gun, Billie.
Yes, Leesie… Kaleesie.
Bitch, this makes everything my business.
Hands in the air, motherf*cker.
Yeah. Hands in the air, motherf*cker.
[chuckles]
[rapid footsteps]
Shoot him.
Wait, really?
No… girl, no! Go get him.
Oh, right.
??
[Carl] Got you now, motherf*cker!
[both grunting]
[Leesie] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Where you think you’re going, Macklemore?
Oh, shit.
[Mack] Oh, wait. No, no. Come on, come on!
??
[alarm bell ringing]
[Mack] Wait, no… stop, stop…
[Leesie] Get up.
[Mack] [grunts]
??
Hey. Cuff him, Gallagher.
Congratulations.
You just popped your cherry.
[Mack] F*cking bitch.
[Ian] [grunts]
[phone chimes]
[chuckles]
[George] What is that?
It’s my kid brother. He got his first arrest.
Aww, yeah.
Oh, big shot.
Yeah.
[Wyatt] It’s noon-thirty, boys and Doris.
Everyone take their lunch break.
Hey, Red.
Finish filling that order before you go.
You want me to work through my lunch break?
[Wyatt] Yes.
You gonna pay me extra?
[Wyatt] No.
Then no.
[Wyatt] You’re behind.
You’re not gonna finish by the end of the day.
Okay, so I’ll stay late.
I could use the overtime.
[Wyatt] We don’t pay overtime.
You working too slow isn’t my problem.
You gave me a bigger order than everybody else.
Everyone takes their turn with the bigger orders. Hike up your skirt and be a team player.
Yeah, how about no?
How about don’t be a little bitch and you get to keep your job?
??
I’m not anybody’s bitch.
??
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
??
[Veronica] Think we should quit the pot business?
But we’re making real money, V.
Doesn’t matter if you’re dead.
Dealing shouldn’t be dangerous now that it’s legal.
Dealing isn’t dangerous.
Being rich on the South Side is dangerous.
We are not rich.
You saying that out loud is dangerous.
We need to arm ourselves.
Guns.
No guns.
Throwing stars, then. Where are my throwing stars?
Okay, dumbasses, stop, stop, stop.
Look. First off…
Actually, first off, Kev, put some pants on.
You’re turning me on a little bit.
Second, you need to get rid of these clothes, all right?
No more bling, no more tricked-out trucks.
You need to go way under the radar here.
And finally, you two need to pay someone security for your daily cash runs.
I would say do it yourselves, but clearly that’s a bit of a non-starter, so pay me 25% of your gross profits, I’ll do it for you.
Security and armed transport from the bar to the casino to the bank.
I think we should do it.
25%?
Between him and Frank, that’s half of our profits.
15%.
23 and free KevFit membership.
Done.
Frank Gallagher!
[Mickey] Jesus.
[Veronica] Whoa.
He’s not here. What happened?
My dumbass family left Franny with Frank and he never took her to school.
Does anybody know where he is?
He’s supposed to be doing pot runs for us.
[whispering] He took her to buy drugs?
Where?
[Veronica] I don’t know.
He said something about an Armenian dry cleaner in Chatham.
And his dealer friends by the park.
[rock music on stereo]
[Debbie] Hey! Eat shit, Ian!
What the f*ck, Debbie?
Kev, can I get a shot of whiskey?
??
What are you doing here?
Getting’ man-swole.
Oh, great.
Maybe when I f*ck you, I won’t feel like such a pedophile.
Suck a dick, bitch.
Shouldn’t you be taking it up the vag at your shitty warehouse job?
F*ck ’em.
Tried to make me work for free through my lunch break, so I quit.
Really?
Oh, well, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, there, babyface. ‘Cause between the expired food sales and the new business deal that I just got, I got us covered. Maybe you can be one of those kept wife things they had in the ’50s. Nice, frilly aprons and high heels and a…
bouffant.
“Buff-int”?
Okay, f*ck it. I’m going home.
No, it’s a good idea. Why don’t you kick back, relax?
Maybe watch some soaps while you think about what to cook me for dinner.
You little bitch!
You’re the bitch!
[both grunting]
Whoa. You gonna stop this?
I wanna see who wins.
[Ian] Shit.
[both grunting]
[growls]
[chairs and tables rattle]
[grunting]
Uh-uh.
Hey! Hey!
[grunting]
[Veronica] No, sir!
No, sir. Not in Mama’s house.
??
[Lip] Hey. What are you doing here?
Eating my feelings.
F*ck it. I need a smoke.
Yeah, good idea.
We can probably afford lung surgery.
Yeah, okay.
[exhales deeply]
You know, I, uh, talked to everybody here about pulling some money together, but, uh, everybody’s still pretty underwater from the recession and all.
Do you remember those assholes in Tennessee who bought up 18,000 bottles of hand sanitizer, sold ’em for, like, 70 bucks a pop?
Mm. Mm-hmm.
[Tami] What if we bought up all of something like… like, uh, all of the condoms in Chicago?
No, we’d just end up with more pregnant 13-year-olds.
Hey, we could stab the baby.
That’ll open that hole right up.
Then they’d have to operate.
[Fred] [fusses]
[soft dramatic music]
??
Could’ve been Fred.
??
One of the most important things a human can learn is how to take advantage of a vulnerable population.
Who are the most vulnerable people in the world?
Puppies?
[chuckles]
Close.
Millennials.
Vulnerable to their own inflated senses of their self-worth.
Now, the vast percentage of our market is made up of millennials and every single one of ’em thinks that he or she…
Or “they.”
Or they is special.
So a plain old joint isn’t enough anymore.
We need a variety of fancy rolling papers so that each millennial can choose one that says,
“This is me.”
Will the dye in the papers destroy their lungs?
Yes.
Do they care?
No.
Not at all.
Because in the moment, they can say to their friends, “I got something you don’t got,” and at the end of the day, we all want that, I suppose.
So that’s everything on our list.
Let’s head home.
Vernon and Jackson.
Uh, where are we? What…
Why are we here?
Paper store?
Rolling papers, right. [chuckles]
Let’s head to the paper store.
Grampy Frank.
I think…
I got a little, um…
well, I suppose we’re done.
Hey.
You wanna make one more stop before we head home to commemorate this day?
Come on.
[energetic rock music]
??
[head thumps]
[Mack] [groans]
[Leesie] [chuckles]
[Mack] Ow.
[Leesie] My bad.
??
Nah, leave it, leave it, leave it, leave it.
??
[engine turns over]
How do you know the perp in that car chase back there?
I don’t.
[engine revs]
[head thumps]
[groans] F*ck!
How do you know the perp in that car chase?
Oh, come on, bitch. I ain’t answering shit without my lawyer…
[tires screech]
F*ck!
[Leesie] How do you know…
Please! I don’t, okay?
[tires squeal and screech]
F*ck!
F*ck.
He’s my dealer, okay?
Are you willing to testify to that in court?
Please. Come on.
You know his people will kill me.
[engine revs]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, kay, kay, kay, fine, fine.
I’ll testify.
??
Frank Gallagher!
No! What you…
He is not here. What do you…
??
[tires screech]
[tools rattle]
??
Debbie, this park is huge. Where do we start?
??
Over here? Maybe over there.
??
Frank Gallagher!
Frank Gallagher!
[shout echoing]
What’s going on with you two?
He’s been sitting on his ass spending all our wedding money…
This lady just decides we’re not sharing our money…
And all of a sudden, he’s making bank doing all sorts…
And as soon as I start making more than him, he turns…
He’s a f*cking top now.
Stop!
First of all, you need to clean up your language.
Bitch this and vagina that is incredibly offensive to women.
And just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you get away with turning women into second-class citizens.
Second of all, there are no men or women in a marriage, there are only partners, and I’d be very careful about claiming the title of head partner ’cause you have no clue what’s gonna happen.
And you’re f*cking yourselves if you think keeping score is a good idea.
Finally, I don’t care who’s the top and who’s the bottom.
You fight in my bar again,
I’m cutting both of your dicks off.
Then ain’t no one topping anyone.
??
Now, here. Eat some pot brownies.
Y’all need to chill the f*ck out.
??
Bitch.
??
Yo.
Hey, thanks.
[sniffles]
How you holdin’ up?
As well as can be expected for a parent that can’t afford to save his kid.
Tami and I, we’re gonna figure out a way to help you pay for the surgery.
Yeah?
You kiddin’?
You got your own kid to take care of.
Nah, this one’s on me.
I appreciate it, though.
Yeah.
You got a plan?
Think I’m gonna let him die.
I told Tami that, uh, we should stab him so they have to operate.
[chuckles]
Nah, I’m gonna sign up for a payment plan.
Sell BornFree.
No, man. I mean, you can’t do that.
I don’t think there’s any other way.
You poured everything you have into that place.
It saved you.
I got a wife and two kids.
They’re my BornFree now.
I gotta choose between my business and them, it’s them in a heartbeat.
Have fun today, Billie?
Beats whacking off to Training Day.
Uh, hey. Was waffling an admission of guilt out of that guy without a lawyer present legal, ethical, or whatever?
[chuckles] You’re cute. Listen, our job isn’t law or ethics; it’s justice. That guy was running away from the cops, and he admitted guilt. End of story. And the second you start thinking ’bout legal and ethical is the second a bad guy shoots you in the face. You wanna get shot in the face?
No, I wanna shoot people in the face.
Ooh, that’s the spirit. Just make sure they shoot first.
Congratulations on a good day, Billie.
We’ll get that blood running icy blue in you yet.
[rock music]
??
[tattoo gun buzzing]
Maybe one day I’ll get one for your baby cousin, Fred, too.
I don’t know if I like him yet.
But you’re pretty swell, so you’ve earned a place on my arm forever.
??
I’ve wanted to ask you since breakfast, but we didn’t have the same relationship then that we do now.
Why were you giving your mom such a hard time to put on that dress and get your picture taken?
I know it was a butt-ugly dress, and I get the sense you’re less a girly-girl and more of a…
A boy.
Sure.
Live your truth.
But you know, sometimes it’s nice to make other people happy.
My father used to get drunk and make me put on a dress when I was your age, and I hated it, but I did it because my father liked it.
It’s called playing the long game.
[chuckles]
Someday, you’ll get caught doing an eight-ball or sleeping with a not-too-distant cousin, and you’ll get off with a slap on the wrist ’cause your mom will remember that you put on a dress for her once.
That’s beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
[chuckles]
??
I had a really nice day with you today, kid.
??
A really nice day.
??
If anything happens to Franny, I’m gonna f*ckin’ kill them.
Who was supposed to take Franny to school?
I don’t know. Any of them?
So you left for work without making sure an actual person took your kid to school?
What? Do you think this is my fault?
[phone ringing]
F*ck!
Hi, Liz!
[camera shutters clicking]
Debbie, the police are here.
Wait. Why?
[Liz] Apparently, a neighbor saw you crawling out of the window with an armload of stuff so she called the police.
Shit.
And I checked my security camera, and it showed you stealing food out of my pantry and crawling out my window.
I’m so sorry! I… I… but I can explain.
Did you steal anything else?
No, I didn’t steal anything.
I… listen. I’ll come back tomorrow and I’ll replace everything that I borrowed, okay?
I’m not gonna press charges because, clearly, you are so white trash that you need to take food for your family.
I am not white trash!
But you are never coming near my house again.
P.S., I’m leaving you a really shitty review on Yelp.
[phone beeps]
F*ck!
[sighs]
Wait. Is that them?
[chuckling]
You’re nuts. [chuckling]
Oh, my God. Franny!
Franny, are you okay?
Where have you been? I was so worried about you.
Why? She was with me all day. We had a great time.
Look, we got tattoos.
[shouts in pain]
What the hell is wrong with you?
You were supposed to take Franny to school!
I actually did take her to school.
It just happened to be one
named after the wrong Black lady.
They all look the same!
What?
Wow.
Not Black ladies! Schools!
She missed a day of preschool.
It’s not like she missed What To Do If There’s A Hole In Your Spacesuit Day at astronaut camp. What’s the big deal?
The big deal is that I didn’t know where my kid was for six hours.
I know you didn’t give a shit where your kids were most of our lives, but I care about mine!
[truck doors open and shut]
[engine revs]
What happened to you?
I got married. That’s what happened.
Well, I’d divorce you, but you never signed a prenup.
What happened to you guys?
They got married.
Guess what. I just made my first arrest.
[Liam] Awesome.
[Lip] Way to go.
[Ian] All right, buddy.
[Mickey] F*ck you, cop.
Hey, assholes. Who left my kid with Frank?
I didn’t.
Wasn’t me.
[Ian] Nope.
I did.
What the hell is wrong with you, Liam?
Hey. Ease up.
So Frank left her at school. What’s the big deal?
He didn’t drop her off at school.
He took her to buy drugs!
[Ian] All right, well, that’s not Liam’s fault.
Why’d you leave her with Liam anyway?
Didn’t leave her with Liam.
I left her with all of you guys.
No, you didn’t.
I stood right there and asked one of you to take her to school ’cause I was running late for work.
I didn’t hear you say that.
[Tami] Me, neither.
[Ian] Me, neither.
I mean, did anybody say, “Yes, Debbie, I will take Franny to school”?
Great, take her side.
[Lip] I’m not taking anybody’s side.
I’m just saying take some f*ckin’ responsibility.
I’m taking all of the responsibility.
I am running this entire house, I’m holding down a job, and I have to take care of a kid in my…
Jesus Christ!
You’re not the only one with shit going on, Debs.
If you can’t handle it, lean the f*ck out.
Don’t blame us for being a shitty mom.
Debs.
I didn’t mean that.
[rock music]
??
[inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
Ah, f*ck.
[chuckles]
That is good.
Oh, you like that?
Mm!
That’s a little Half-Mexican Red.
Named after Franny.
Indica-forward, mellow and agreeable with just enough sativa to give it a little kick of rebellion.
Just like Franny.
[chuckles] Sounds like your granddaughter
left quite an impression on you.
What do you mean?
Well, you never named anything after any of your actual kids.
That’s because they don’t make pot that’s belligerent and ungrateful.
If your kids are belligerent and ungrateful, it’s probably ’cause you made ’em that way.
I…
[sighs]
Kids are tough.
They need things.
Grandkids are simpler.
You don’t owe ’em anything.
They don’t expect anything from you.
Pressure’s off.
You can’t disappoint anyone.
[rock music playing]
You two just murdered my high.
Sell that for seven a pop.
Little expensive, don’t you think?
Seven’s the price.
Where you goin’?
Gotta see a girl about a dress.
[Tami, whispering] Yeah.
[knocking at door]
What the…
F*ck, it’s Milton.
It’s gonna disturb…
Hey, I got it, I got it, I got it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, shit. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake the baby?
No, no, no, it’s all good, it’s all good.
He’s just settling down. He’s in the nursery with Tami.
Come in, come in.
So it, uh, feel good to be off the boat?
[Milton] And to not have my CPO up my ass?
Yeah, it does.
Hey, uh, when’s the wedding?
I just got tested.
Oh, cool.
The wedding is this weekend.
I just hope my dress shoes are in the garage where I left them, man.
[Lip] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the…
The place looks fantastic.
Oh, yeah, well, the inside, at least.
The neighbors wanted to keep the outside looking like shit.
So. [chuckles]
Did you do all this by yourself?
Uh, yeah. I mean, it’s just some plaster work and paint, mostly.
You put tile up in the kitchen too?
Um, backsplash, yeah.
[Milton] [chuckles]
Looks good, man. Damn good.
Thanks.
[Milton] How much did all of this cost you?
Uh, I don’t know.
I picked up most of this stuff for free at condemned houses and work sites.
[Milton] Hmm.
Um, I mean, I guess I bought some stuff, too, though.
Uh, I put in some hours.
You should’ve told me.
Yeah, I would’ve thrown you some cash or reduced your rent or something.
[Lip] Yeah?
Yeah.
What do you think you spent?
Uh, five… six grand, maybe?
I don’t know.
Why don’t I split it with you?
Yeah?
[Milton] Yeah.
Did the work. Might as well.
Great.
[Milton] All right, cool.
Shoes.
[Lip] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just back there in the garage.
Yeah, of course.
[Lip] Okay.
[Milton] Backsplash, huh? That’s the backsplash, yeah.
[knock at door]
Go away.
[Franny] Mommy?
I’m ready for you to take my picture now.
[chuckling] Franny.
Hang on. Let me get my phone.
[soft upbeat rock music]
??
[Debbie] Oh.
Okay, smile.
Oh, look how beautiful you are.
A little to the side. [camera shutter clicking]
? So I love you ?
[Mickey] Give it to me, dom top daddy!
[Ian] Take it all, you uber-masculine slut!
[grunting]
[Mickey] Flip f*ck?
[both panting]
[Ian] Sure.
[Mickey] [grunts] What’s my name?
[Ian] Nick.
[Mickey] [grunting] I said what’s my name?
[Ian] Nick Jonas!
♫ So what a man gotta do? ♫
♫ What a man gotta do ♫
♫ To be totally locked up by you? ♫
♫ What a man gotta say? ♫
♫ What a man gotta pray? ♫
♫ To be your last “Good night” and your first “Good day”? ♫
♫ So what a man gotta do? ♫
♫ What a man gotta do ♫
♫ To be totally locked up by you? ♫
♫ Totally locked up by you ♫
