Shameless – S11E02 – Go Home, Gentrifier! – Transcript

Debbie prepares a princess party for Franny. Mickey gets a real job. Frank helps Kev and V with their pot business. Lip runs into trouble with his new neighbors. Carl's first day on the force is not what he thought it would be.
Shameless - S11E02 - Go Home, Gentrifier!

Original air date: December 13, 2020

It’s Franny’s birthday, and with Tami and Sandy’s help, Debbie prepares to throw her the best princess party Franny never wanted. Ian is on the straight and narrow which forces Mickey to get a real job. Frank the weed connoisseur helps Kev and V with their struggling pot business. Lip’s home renovations run him into some trouble with his new neighbors. Carl’s first day on the force is not the vigilante fantasy he thought it would be. Liam profits from kids who find themselves in lunch debt due to a tyrannical lunch lady.

 

[The High Strung – The Luck You Got (Shameless Theme Song) playing]

♫ Think of all the luck you got ♫
♫ Know that it’s not for naught ♫
♫ You were beaming once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫

♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫

♫ Round up the friends you got ♫
♫ Know that they’re not for naught ♫
♫ You were willing once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫

♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫


[rock music]

Watch out, crackheads. Coming back for you later.
Making a mental note of your face, shitbag.
Watch it, ladies. Might haul your asses down to the station. Yeah, that’s right. You’re looking at the po-po. First day on the job.


My birthday! Wake up! [knocks] Wake up! I’m five!

[Lip] Hey, hey. Look who it is. The birthday girl. [sniffles, sighs]

Presents?

Oh, no, no. It’s not like Christmas, Franny. You’re gonna get your presents tonight at your party.

Oh.

Hey. Come on. Let’s go make some breakfast, huh? [whooshes] Whoof! Go sit! Yo, what up?

Why’d you guys sleep here last night?

Oh, the fumes at our new place from resurfacing the bathtub.

Good morning, Franny. Happy birthday.

Thank you.

[Lip] These up for grabs?

No, don’t touch.

Why?

I’m gonna sell them for cheap to the lunch debt kids.

What’s a lunch debt kid?

[Liam] Kids who run out of money on their food account. Can’t eat the hot lunch till they pay up.

Is that even legal? Don’t public schools have to feed the kids?

Yeah, but the lunch lady serves them gross shit like stale bread, government cheese, chunky pudding.

So you’re capitalizing on the misfortunes of others by selling them your peanut butter sandwiches?

The American way. See you.

Hey, there’s my sweet birthday princess! Who is five today?

Me!

[Debbie] You? Ah!

I don’t know! She looks like a big girl. Did you grow overnight? Are you sure you’re not 15?

I am! I am!

[Sandy] Yeah, I knew you were.

Are you excited for your princess party?

I hate princesses!

What? No, you don’t.

I’m with Frans on this one.

Hey, no. I invited your entire class. There’s gonna be a bouncy house. We’re gonna get a bunch of decorations at the dollar store. It’s gonna be great.

Hey, can I tag along to the dollar store?

Sure.

Homeboy needs more diapers.

Is that me?

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, birthday Franny. Hey, look what I got you from work. They let us keep stuff if it’s past its expiration date. There’s so much stuff that just gets thrown away into a dumpster.

Oh, great job, man. Free old cereal.

[Ian] Yeah, at least I have a real job.

Get off my back.

Hey, Debs, I’m finally gonna get my first paycheck later, so I can start paying for my part of the bills.

[Debbie] Great.

Wait, what?

I didn’t plan on supporting a husband. You gotta pull your weight.

I told you, I am still on my honeymoon.

We need money for food, rent.

Great. I could go get money in 30 fucking seconds.

Legal money. Look, they’re hiring over at my warehouse. You could go over there today and apply.

Thanks, no thanks.

All right, if you don’t get a real job today, you’re not getting any more sex.

[Lip] Whoo-hoo!

[Mickey] Oh, no, please. I don’t give a shit, man. I don’t need your disgusting-ass dick.

[laughter]

Ah, you guys been married what, like, 50 years now?

5-0!

Oh, fuck, it’s the cops!

Hey, I’m unarmed!

Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!

Ha, ha, ha, very funny, assholes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ma go load these bad boys up with armor-piercing rounds so I can keep the mean streets safe for fuck-heads like you guys. Watch out, Chicago! You’re going down.


Here you go, Kerm.

Thanks, Kev. May there be many more where this comes from.

[knocking at door]

Hey, Tommy.

Kev. Kermit.

Tommy.

Why are you two sitting so far apart from each other?

Social distancing.

Take a beer, Kev.

Yeah, sure, of course.

[Veronica] Okay, call me when you have more. Elijah from the dispensary doesn’t have weed either, Kev.

Shit.

Whole city’s run out. Another symptom of economic anxiety: everyone’s self-medicating.

Why are you two sitting apart?

No reason.

Nothing.

[quietly] I think they’re having a fight.

A fight? About what?

[Kev] Saying something under your breath means “keep it quiet.”

[Frank] Hello! I’m here.

Oh, Frank! You gotta use the secret knock.

Oh, sorry. Top of the morning to you. So what you got for me to sample today in the wonderful world of weed, Master Kev, Mistress V? What are–why are you guys sitting so far apart? One of you fart or something?

Just because.

Stop asking.

Jesus, fine. Sit in your own stank, for all I care.

[Veronica] They won’t tell us either.

Oh. Where are the goods?

[Veronica] Sold out.

Impressive.

But our suppliers are out of product now.

Ever since the ‘rona, there’s been a rush on weed.

They were not prepared for the demand. Everyone’s out.

It’s a blessing in disguise. Pot is dangerous.

Amen to that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That’s impossible. There’s no such thing as a rush on weed. It’s in abundance.

There’s three different dispensaries we use for our product.

[Kev] They’re all out.

Dispensaries? You know what kind of a markup they’ve got? I can get you more product.

Where?

Yeah, illegal shit.

Marijuana’s basically just a weed. The government has no more right to regulate it than they do sunflowers.

Or making us wear masks.

Exactly!

Don’t worry. I can get you more product. We can go in on this together, partners.

Yes.

No! [whispering] I am not going into the weed business with Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher’s the best person to go in the weed business with.

Shh. I was whispering so that means to talk quietly.

Well, now you know how it feels.

Veronica, I understand your reluctance. I would feel the same if I were going into business with me. May I suggest we do a trial run today? Give me a chance to prove myself. I will find you weed, I will teach you how to make the best edibles in the city, and then I will help you sell those edibles at a premium. I was born to do this. I’ve been training for it my whole fucking life.

Frank Gallagher really is an illegal drug connoisseur, V.

Fine, a trial run just for today. Elijah should have some legal product in stock in a couple of days.

You will not regret this.

[sprays disinfectant]

Oh.

[laughs]

Nah, it’s…


[brassy music]

[applause]

[Tipping] Look at those virgins. This is the freshest meat I’ve ever seen.

[Simmons] Yanez, over here. I’ma Denzel Washington your ass today.

Officer Tipping, Carl Gallagher. I believe I’m your partner.

Stand down, son. No need for formality. Bring it in.

Uh, really?

We’ve all been tested. You wouldn’t be here if you were positive. Now bring it in.

[patting]

Welcome to the Chicago police force.

[tires screeching]

[engine turns over]


[siren wails]

[Lip] All right, first thing we’re gonna do: we’re gonna open up all the windows, air out the house. That way, we don’t inhale any of the fumes. It’s a good idea, right?

“Yeah, Daddy. You’re brilliant.”

I know. Then we’re gonna count all the mismatched light switches, see which ones need to be replaced, and I need you on bathroom tile duty. Think you can do that for me? Go through and see where I need to add more grout.

“Yeah, Daddy.”

You can? Well, that’s great. Thank you so much, buddy. What the actual fuck?

[applause on television]

[Drew Carey] Now you’re probably wondering, “Why do they call it ‘More or Less’?” Here’s why.

[contestant] Okay.

[Drew Carey] We’re gonna start off with these wireless speakers, four of them. $450. Is the actual price more or less than $450…

Who cares how much the speakers cost? Just steal ’em.

[TV character] Is– is this a problem?

Okay.

[TV character 2] I won’t tell if you won’t.

[Mickey] Shit, yeah.

[laughs] Oh, come on, man. I need more time than that.

What are you doing sitting on the couch? Watching TV? Wasting your life?

I’m not wasting my life.

Do you even have a job? Do you have a college degree? No, you don’t, do you? Why not? ‘Cause everything’s an excuse with you, isn’t it?

Why don’t you mind your own fucking business, Jerome?

“I’ll apply to school next year.” What’s wrong with right now? Stop disappointing the people you love. Get off the couch and go make something of yourself.

All–all right, okay. Fuck.

[Jerome] Consider me like your guardian angel.

Fine.

You can thank me later. Now call or email us today. Do it!

Shut the fuck up, Jerome.


This stuff’s all expired.

Toss it in the dumpster.

[Spanish music playing]

Those guys have it made, huh? Sitting on their asses all day.

[George] You’re telling me.

You know they make ten bucks more an hour than we do, don’t you?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

How do I apply to be a forklift driver?

[George] Well, you don’t, unless you’re Black, or you’re Mexican, or you got a twat between your legs. You got a twat between your legs?

Uh, not the last time I checked.

The days are over when guys like you and me got all the opportunities for advancement. Sucks to be a white male in America these days.


Life Saver?

Huh?

Wintergreen.

Yeah, sure. [clears throat] So I made a list of everything that I saw in my neighborhood this morning. Lot of illegal activity. Guns, drugs, car theft.

You ever bite one of these in the dark using your back teeth?

Excuse me?

The Life Saver.

Uh, no, not that I know of, but I was thinking that we could drive by the area. You know, there’s still probably a lot of activity going on. Maybe bust some heads and drag some bangers down to the station.

Makes a spark when you bite the Life Saver in the dark. I do it for my kids sometimes. They get a real kick out of it. You have kids?

I’m 19.

[Tipping] About when I started. I have a 17 year old gonna start community college, and twin eight year olds with the second wife. She’s not much older than you.

You wanna check this out, sir? You know… take a look at the list for yourself? Well, if you bust a right down here on Cermak, go down about three blocks, you still might see some of those guys–

Let me share some things with you, Carl. I’ve been on the police force 15 years. Do you know how many times I’ve been shot?

I don’t know. Five?

Zero.

Wait, you’ve never been shot?

Never been shot, never shot at. You know why? I don’t leave the car.

Seriously?

Personal safety is no joking matter.

What if something’s going on out there, like, you know, the street?

Carl, we can do more for the neighborhood by staying right here inside this car and being a presence.

So you’re not gonna do anything about those prostitutes over there?

[Tipping] Do you see blood?

No.

Anyone crying, begging for their life?

Not that I can see.

[Tipping] Then we let them know we’re here…

[honks horn]

…and we go on our way.

[sighs] Okay.

Another Life Saver?


Are we seriously gonna buy illegal weed from some random dude on the street?

They’re not random. That’s Scotty in the beanie. Lori L. on the stoop.

That guy doing ballet over there probably has some good stuff.

[Frank] Who, Herman? Yeah, his product isn’t bad, when he has it. Usually by mid-morning, he’s smoked it all up. On disability. Got hit by an Uber. Tiny Tod over there has the cheapest weed, but it’s mostly stems.

I don’t know about this.

These folks aren’t doing any harm. It’s the law-abiding rich people who decided to legalize marijuana who are messing up a system that’s been in place for decades. Trust me, these folks have good product.

[upbeat music]

Let’s buy from Gina.

[Kev] Who, Twitchy McGee?

[Frank] Exactly. She’s jonesing. Probably H. She’s desperate. Has to score soon, so she’ll want to make a quick sale.

[car alarm wails]

All right, I’m going in. Cash, please.

Better not run away with our money, Frank.

Veronica, please. This is good. This’ll probably get us four ounces. Then back to your place. We’ll cook up some goodies.

What happened?

We never talked about our split.

What split?

As business partners.

Temporary business partners.

I think 50/50’s fair.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Fuck that. There’s two of us and one of you. A three-way split.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Got yourselves a deal. Partners.

Go get ’em, tiger.

[Frank] Gina, did you miss me?


[music playing faintly]

Ooh, they have tiaras and magic wands. You guys, where are you? They have fairy dust.

[Tami] En garde!

Take that, bad guy.

Ah, this is my land. You’ll never win the battle.

[both grunting]

Get her, Franny.

I got her! I got her!

Look, I can dress like a unicorn princess for the party. Huh?

Hi-yah!

[cell phone rings]

Oh.

Hi, babe. Uh, your sister is going psycho for the princess crap.

Uh, hey. So, um, you know how you’re mad I’m spending a lot of money we don’t have on the house?

Yes. Accept defeat, warrior!

Well, someone broke our two front windows.

What the serious fuck?

[Lip] That’s what I said.

How do we feel about this mermaid princess look?

Uh, okay, so we gotta call the cops.

No, the cops won’t do anything about a broken window. We’d have to lie and tell them there was a murder or something.

Hey. Why are you hitting me?

She switched sides. Us against you now.

So I was thinking I’m gonna change out the windows, and, uh, I was actually gonna replace them with double glaze anyway.

[Tami] Double glaze? They more expensive than regular? Okay, stop. This is the safe zone. I am in the safe zone. Do not come closer.

That sounds expensive, Lip. Is it?

A little bit. Not much.

[Tami] Ugh, we gotta stop hemorrhaging money.

[clattering sound]

[engine roaring, tires screeching]

Oh, come on!

I’m just saying we’re spending–

No, no, no, I’m sorry. I wasn’t talking to you.

[grunts]

Someone just dumped a bunch of trash in our new yard and in our planters.

Why?

I don’t know. I don’t see anyone. It must’ve been some punk-ass kids. I gotta put a sign up, let people know… [shouting] …a Gallagher lives here! Then they won’t mess with us anymore.

[Tami, incredulously] Yeah, okay. Um, how’s Fred?

Oh, uh, good. Good. Happy. Good. I gotta go. Bye!

Bye.

[Debbie] Okay, I found it. I’ll be a fairy princess for the party. Isn’t this the perfect dress?


So you worked five years at Home Depot, three at Lowe’s, and served two active duties in Afghanistan.

Yep.

Impressive.

[clears throat]

Oh, shit.

Whoops. Uh, you forgot to put your Social Security number on the application.

Yeah, it’s, uh, three…seven…22.

That’s only four numbers.

How many is it supposed to be?

Why don’t you just text it to me later?

Yeah.

So Mr. Milkovich, let’s do a little role-play.

Oh, I’m not into that shit anymore. I got married.

[laughs] No, no. Professional role-play.

Oh, yeah.

[interviewer] Let’s say you’re working at the register.

[clears throat]

I’m a customer who comes in, and I wanna return a saw. What are some questions you might wanna ask me?

Okay. Uh… How many times you use it? Where’d you steal that from? You think you can scam me? [shouting] You think I’m fucking stupid? Is there blood on that shit?

Uh, not exactly what I was looking for.

Hey, okay. You know, hey. I-I’m really good at scaring the crap out of people, so I can say whatever you want me to say so people stop returning shit.

Good–good to know. Maybe dealing directly with the customers is not the best job for you.

Look… I-I really want to make it work here, so… W-w-what are they doing? Can I do that job?

Oh, yeah. Inspecting the expiration dates on our stored food supply. Anything doesn’t meet our high standard of freshness is disposed of.

So thrown out?

[interviewer] That’s right. Why don’t you just tell me a little bit more about yourself? What assets do you think you bring to the workplace?

Bro, I can bring whatever you fucking want to the workplace. I got, like… What–what do you need? Glocks? Nunchucks? Fuck, I got bayonets. I got whatever you want. I got you– or I know who does, okay?

I’m–I’m sorry, Mr. Milkovich. I don’t think this job’s the right fit for you.

What do you mean? I… You know what? Goddamn right, it’s not. I don’t need to be out here, making minimum-ass wage, tossing out perfectly good food, getting blisters all over my hands so I can clock out with a bunch of fucking bozos, go home smelling like a rotten fucking pig. This is your fault for making me do this shit. Fuck you, and fuck you, and especially fuck you.


Shake that…

[Tipping] Ass for me, shake that ass for me

Come on, girl

Shake that ass for me

Shake that ass for me

Come on, girl, shake

That ass for me

Shake that ass for me

Okay, it’s your part.

I’m a menace, a Dennis, an oral hygienist

Open your mouth for about four or five minutes

Take a little bit of fluoride with it

Swish but don’t spit it

Swallow and I’ll finish

[dispatch] Attention, all officers.

[quietly] Thank God.

Damn, we almost got through the whole thing. That song makes me feel kind of badass. You too?

Uh, sure.

[dispatch] Attention, all officers, we have a 312 in progress. 700 block of Riverside.

Hell yeah.

[dispatch] Convenience store robbery. Four suspects, armed and dangerous. Any and all officers in the area, please respond.

It’s go time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cowboy. What are you doing there? Have you learned nothing today?

We’re so close.

No, no, no, there’s officers much closer than we are.

We’re, like, two blocks away.

I’ve seen this before. By the time we get there, someone will have gotten shot, and Homicide will take over the case. So let’s just stay out of their crime scene.

But it’s our duty to take the call.

Trust me on this one. We’re partners. Need to stick together, be a united front, have each other’s back. Okay?

Okay.

[Tipping] You’ll thank me one day.

Fucking bored shitless.

Now can we get back to our song?

Girl, shake that ass for me

Shake that ass for me


All due respect, Veronica, your brownies were awful.

Really?

Did you fry the marijuana in butter first?

No, she didn’t.

What difference does that make?

It’s the difference between a ghetto pot brownie and a culinary delight. By frying the weed, you activate the cannabinoids.

[reggae music playing]

Here, stir this for me, will you? Also, the lipids in the butter bond with the weed to form the perfect cannabis infusion.

Yeah, V.

Now, let’s see how our first batch looks. Oh, yeah. [laughs]

[Kev] Oh, those smell amazing.

Eh? Kev, my fine feathered friend, I need you to cut that pan of brownies into two-by-two squares. Each square has to be equal size and shape. I want ten perfect brownies.

Aye-aye, captain.

That’s $200 worth of heaven right there.

$200?

That’s, like, a lot of money for each brownie.

20 bucks a brownie, Kev.

Holy shit.

The going rate is ten, Frank. Nobody’s gonna dish out 20.

That’s because no one has tasted Frank Gallagher’s masterpiece of psychedelic goodness yet.

♫ I’ll speak the truth even if you never understand ♫


[rock music]

Hey, Kendall. What can I do you for? Back up. Keep your distance. What’s up?

Can’t eat this crap the lunch lady gave me. How much for a peanut butter sandwich, Liam?

Donations only. Whatever you got.

Um… stole this Red Bull from the corner store.

That’ll work.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is not an open-air market. It is a liability for you to sell food on school property.

That’s mine.

I’m not selling it. Donating it.

Well, you can’t do that, either.

What, share my lunch?

No.

So it’s okay for these underprivileged kids to starve because they don’t want to eat the slop you give them?

Until they pay their lunch debt, that’s all they get. Now close it down.

Sorry, everyone. Loraine won’t let me donate sandwiches to you anymore.

[student] That sucks!

[students booing]

I know, I know. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you. I didn’t grow up with money, either, but ever since I was a little kid, it’s been my passion to give to those less fortunate than myself.

[child ] Yeah!

[child] You’re the man, Liam.

Please.

If I had extra money, I’d give it to all my friends here so they could buy hot lunch, but since I don’t, I thought the next best thing would be is to donate food from my family’s kitchen.

[crowd cheering]

[student] Yeah, Liam!

Please, please, please. I’m just one man trying to make a difference. I won’t take up any more of your time.

[students cheer]

[student] Bye, Loraine.

[student] Go, Liam.

Now, who wants a sandwich?


This one is when the twins dressed like salt and pepper for Halloween. The condiments, not the hip-hop group.

You do realize people just keep photos on their phone now, right?

[stomach rumbles]

Ooh, I got some rumbles in my tumbles. You hungry?

For police action.

What about for eggplant pea? Best this side of Milwaukee.

I guess.

Let’s do this.

[clears throat] Dispatch, this is Officers Tipping and Gallagher.

[dispatch] Go for dispatch.

A concerned citizen just stopped us…

What are you talking about? We’ve been at–

…and reported a suspicious person over on Hemlock Street. We’re gonna investigate.

[dispatch] Copy that. Report back your findings and if you need backup.

Will do.

What the hell was that all about?

Buys us more time for lunch. Eggplant pea, here we come.

So let me get this straight. We don’t respond to real crimes in progress, but we do respond to fake crimes that aren’t even happening?

You’re getting the hang of this.

This is so not what I signed up for.

Your tum-tum will thank me.


[Mickey] Right on time.

[rock music]

Nice truck, fatty. Ding Dongs for a ding-dong. Ugh, smelly fucking fat-ass. I’m gonna get pinkeye from all the farts in this thing.

[engine turns over]

Ugh. Jack-fucking-pot. Later, Jabba the Hutt!

[truck driver] Hey. Hey, hey!

Hey, get the door for me, would you, Val Kilmer?

[yelps]

Asshole!


Did you and Tommy get in a fight about something?

Just drop it.

Oh.

He owe you money?

Has for years, but that’s not it.

What, did you wreck his car?

I wish it were something so simple.

[knocking at door]

Yeah?

Hi. We heard you’re selling edibles here, and we were told to ask for the marijuana magician.

Come on in! He’s right here.

I’ll show you to him. Didn’t catch your names.

Barry, and he’s Ryan.

Sure.

The one and only Frank.

Have a seat, gentlemen. How can the Frank help you today?

Selection looks impressive. So what do you have here?

[Frank] I’ve arranged my products in descending order of THC. Starting here at the top tier, I call this “Can’t-Get-Off- The-Couch Cookie.”

[Barry] Yowza. I don’t want that. I still need to do work every day.

Uh, you and me both, brother. Continuing down the line, we reduce the THC until we get to the bottom shelf and our homemade suckers, which are basically all CBD.

What do you think is best to give me a buzz but also help my sciatica?

I would stick somewhere here in the middle. These chocolate walnut brownies have the perfect amount of THC to give you a little euphoria, and the CBD to relieve that pain in your ass.

Should we get two?

We’re going to that foam party this weekend.

Let’s make it four, then.

[Frank] Four it is. If you would pay my sales clerks behind the bar, I will bag these up for you.

[Kev] Excellent, gentlemen. Four brownies. So that’s, uh…

[Veronica] $80.


Well, this is fucking vile.

Morning, Lip.

Hey, Marsha. How’s Georgia doing?

Got into a bowl of butterscotch candy I have out for guests. Didn’t you? Ate the wrappers and all.

That right?

I’ll be picking up poopy candy bits for days.

Hey, uh, you didn’t see who did any of this, did you?

What?

Oh, broke my front window, you know, put all this trash in the yard.

I thought the house was always like this.

Yeah, when Mr. Shaw lives here, but I’ve been trying to fix it up.

You buy the place?

No, just renting.

Spending a lot of money if it’s not yours.

Yeah, well, I want some nice things in my life for a change.

Well, good for you.

Thank you.

[Fred] Da-da.

[laughs]

Hey, Marsha. You see any punk-ass kids running around here, you let me know?

You got it, Lip.

Thanks.


Thanks, Ma.

Of course, sweetie. Oh, that’s Arthur on his honeymoon with his first wife, Nadine.

Oh, you people sure are into hard copy photos, huh?

[laughs] I loved Nadine. I really do miss her.

[Tipping] Ma, she cheated on me, with five different police officers–five.

Well, she certainly had a type. You gotta give her that. Oh, Carl, can I give you another serving?

Oh, no, Mrs. Tipping, I–

Oh, Rhoda. You’re part of the family now.

Okay. Uh, no thank you, uh, Rhoda. I’m not too big on heavy lunches. Besides, we gotta get back out to the streets.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Thanks for reminding me. [clears throat] Dispatch, come in, please.

[dispatch] You’ve got dispatch.

This is Officer Tipping. Officer Gallagher and I have located the suspect, and we are now proceeding with questioning.

[dispatch] Copy that.

I am so proud of you, Arty. Oh, both of you.

Mm.

[chuckles]

Mm. Family.

[Rhoda] Goodbye, boys.

You know what I like to do after a big meal?

Oh, I don’t know. Do your job? Catch some rapists?

Take a nap over at the Best Buy. Have you ever sat in one of the massage recliners they have there?

No, but I’m sure I will now.

My lower lumbar could really use some kneading.

Dispatch, the suspect has directed us to an abandoned house that has a suspicious smell emanating from it. Officer Gallagher and I will investigate further.

[dispatch] Copy that.


[Debbie] Hey, it’s starting to look like a magic castle in here.

[Tami] Or like a Care Bear took a giant shit.

Or Strawberry Shortcake fucked My Little Pony.

Yeah, or Glinda the Good Witch just, like, projectile vomited–

Okay, I get it. Stop making fun of me. This is gonna be the best party ever.

Yeah, for you.

What do you mean? It’s Franny’s birthday.

[helium whooshing]

You just seem a little more into it than Franny does, babe.

That is so not true. Franny’s so into it. I mean, what little girl doesn’t want a princess party?

I never wanted one.

Me neither.

I did.

Well, that explains it.

Explains what?

Why you’re so obsessed with all this shit.

I am not obsessed. The magic wands don’t go there. On the coffee table.

Oh, okay. Sorry. I just–I never got the princess manual. I was always into G.I. Joes and shit when I was a kid, so that’s the kind of parties I had.

Yeah, well, every birthday, one of my uncles would just get me drunk and let me shoot his gun.

The bounce house is here!

Yes!

Hell yeah! Love a bounce house.

Whoo!

I’ve never been in one.

What?

Uh, none of the adults were sober enough to make me a cake, never mind get a bounce house.

You were seriously raised by wolves.

[generator whirring]

It’s supposed to be a princess castle.

You sure?

Paperwork says Dracula’s Lair.

Oh, she’s sure.

Now why would I order Dracula’s Lair for a five-year-old girl’s birthday party?

I love it!

I need a princess castle. Get me a princess castle.

Sorry, ma’am, we don’t have anything extra on the truck.

[scoffs]

Well, this is the worst thing ever.

I think it’s kind of cool. Come on!

It says “Bounce-ilvania,” Debs. What could be more fun than that?

[rock music]


Okay, all bets in?

Shit. I got nothing. Pair of tens.

Full house. Sorry about that, boys.

Crap. How is it the new kid always wins?

Beginner’s luck.

Uh, yeah.


Franklin Pierce…

Loitering…

James Buchanan…

Littering.

[Tipping] Abraham Lincoln.

[Carl] Actual B&E.

[Tipping] Andrew Johnson.

Defacing property.

Ulysses S. Grant. Ah, shoot, I can’t remember who was next. Who’s the 19th president?

I don’t know. I didn’t even know there was 19 presidents.

Pfft.

Ah, more loitering. Battery.

Oh, my God, what is that?

What? Where? What is it?

Go time, is what it is.

[siren wailing]

This car has a siren?

Let’s move it, people!

And a megaphone?

[Tipping] Hang on, partner.

This is what I’m talking about!

[tires screech]

Go. Put these on.

What’s going on? What’s happening? Where are we going?

Traffic light is out. Good thing we were in the vicinity. You stand on that side. I’ll stay here.

[car horns honking]

[driver honks horn]

Out of the road, asshole!


♫ Watch your star all by yourself ♫
♫ Fame, but I don’t die ♫
♫ All I want ♫
♫ I won’t be here, you’re all– ♫

Yo, what up, Jose? Looking good, man.

Yeah, you too. I’m not used to seeing your cracker ass on this side of the wire. So what’s this deal you got for me?

Right here.

A dumpster? Man, what kind of idiot you think I am?

No, no, ain’t like that. Look, check it out. Boom!

Damn.

[Mickey] Uh-huh. I told you.

[Jose] Wait, what is all this?

It’s food. The fuck you think it is?

No, I mean, where did you get it?

Difference does that make? I got it, didn’t I?

I could really use some of this shit.

Uh-huh.

Pasta, oatmeal… flour. How much you want?

Hey, for you, give you a good price.

Wait a minute. This is expired.

So what?

It says 2019.

It’s fucking pasta, man. Doesn’t go bad.

Yeah, well, I hate the guys in this joint just as much as anybody, but I’m not trying to give them salmonella or some shit.

Will you quit being a bitch? Those dates don’t mean shit, and you know it.

You–you’re a fucking asshole.

Hey, a’ight, man. Whatever. No problem. All good. Got plenty other cooks out there willing to take this off my hands for… oh, half what they usually pay for their bulk items. Charge their boss the same amount, and guess what? They just pocket the rest.

[peppy music]

Uh-huh. You interested now. [laughs]


Ah, there you go.

Hmm.

All right.

There you go, Framingham.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Pretty boy.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, you want to get a couple of drinks, piss away our paychecks?

Ah, not tonight. Thank you.

All right, suit yourself.

Yeah.

Hey, George. Hey, wait up.

What’s going on?

Who do I talk to about a mistake with my paycheck?

Oh, let me see this.

What’s the mistake?

Look at here. It says I worked 39 hours. I worked 45. I should be getting overtime.

Yeah, that’s what they do. They dock you for lunch, the time it takes to go to the head, anything to keep it under 40 hours.

You serious?

Yeah. That way, they don’t have to give you benefits.

They get away with that?

They do.

Oh, even at 39 hours, the money’s not adding up.

Ah, dude, they take out all kinds of crap. Locker fees, safety vests, you name it. It’s usually about four months before you’re even getting a full paycheck. Welcome to a working man’s America, Kemosabe.


Yo, Gallagher, how’d it go today?

Damn, what happened to you?

Broke his cop cherry.

Best day of my life. Kicked so much ass.

Jesus.

Senior officers are taking us to the cop bar across the street.

Celebrate you tadpoles becoming real women.

Hell yeah. I’m in. Hey, you not coming?

Gotta see the fam.

Yeah, don’t even bother with Lady Arthur over there. He’s allergic to fun.

Hurry up and get changed, Gallagher. Meet us over there.

I suggest you get some rest, Carl.

Hey, why would I get some rest? We didn’t do shit today. All we did was rest. I wanted to have an action-packed day like Yanez did, not sing along to Eminem. A security guard would’ve had more fun than we did. But I put up with it. Know why? Because you said we gotta have each other’s backs, be a united front. I was bored shitless today. I don’t care, ’cause I wanna be the best partner that I can be. So the least you can do is walk across that street and buy me a damn drink.

All right, partner. One drink.


[rock music]

[all chanting “Chug”]

[cheers and applause]

Damn.

Your partner seems pretty wild.

Yeah, first I’ve seen that. Oh, shit. I think he’s married.

Oh, that’s okay. Tina doesn’t care. So first day, huh?

Yeah. What do you do?

I’m over at the leather factory.

Mm. Like coats and stuff?

No, not as glamorous. We make bullet bags and rifle slings. It sucks. I stink like cow shit and chemicals all the time. Smell me.

Uh, well… Yeah, smell– smells great to me.

Aw, you’re sweet. If I’m still at the factory in five years, I give you permission to shoot me.

[laughs] Okay.

No, seriously. Take that big old gun of yours and shoot me.

And what would you rather be doing instead?

Mm, marry a cop, be his wife, have a bunch of his kids.

Uh…

Don’t worry, bunny. We’re just having fun. So why’d you want to be po-po?

Um, you know, make a difference, do something for the community, be a part of the solution. Uh, when I was a kid–

Wanna fuck?

Wait, what?

Come on.

Okay.

Oh, leave it. We’ll be right back.

Your place close?

Yeah, but we’re not going there.

Me and my ex still live together.

Randy, guard our drinks.

Let’s go.

Where are you guys going?

Bathroom. Come with?

Want to?

No. Yes. Absolutely.


I can’t believe we sold all that product in one day.

Ye of little faith.

No one even flinched at the high prices.

Guys, weed is in my blood, literally and figuratively. I know the business inside and out.

Guess you were right, Frank.

I don’t hear that often enough.

We made $3,400.

What?

[Frank] Course we did.

Mm, mm, mm, that’s $1,133 apiece. Take your pile.

Oh, it’s been lovely doing business with you. Shall we do it again tomorrow?

I don’t see why not. V?

Until our suppliers are back up and running, sure.

Excellent. I shall see you bright and early… and by that, I mean noon.

[laughter]

And I liked helping you out today with your emergency, but the trial run is over.

From this point going forward, the cut will be 60/40. I’m the 60.

Seems fair to me.

No way.

I got the raw materials. I did the manufacturing. You were simply the retail. Toodle-oo. And whatever you guys are going through, you gotta kiss and make up.

[andante rock music]


[Tipping and Tina moaning]

[Tipping] Oh, God! Oh, God!

[Tina] Feel good, baby?

[Tipping] I feel–yes, baby feels very good.

[Tipping grunting]

Hey, can you guys keep it down in there, please?

[Tipping] Yeah, yeah, sure, bud.

[moaning]

My–my legs are kind of getting wobbly.

If you put one foot up on the toilet, it usually works better.

[Tipping] Oh, wow, what are you doing to me?

[Tina] Want me to stop, Arthur?

[Tipping] No, no, no.

There you go. That’s better, right?

I guess. I’m a little distracted, but I’m fine.

You get used to these close quarters.

You’ve done this before?

Yeah, dozens of times.

Oh.

[Tipping] Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

Okay, I gotta stop. I’m sorry. This is getting a little weird.

[Tipping groans]

Really?

[heavy thud]

[Tina screams]

What the hell? What’s going on in there?

I think he’s dead. My vagina killed him.

Whoa.

Fuck, Arthur.


[cell phone chimes]

[sighs] Shit. Another mom said her kid can’t come to the party.

It might have something to do with your ankle bracelet, babe.

Well, whatever. That’s too bad. We don’t need Franny’s school friends. We’ll still have fun. Okay, everybody grab your song lyrics. It’s time to sing the princess song. Kay, Franny. Sit right here. Kay. Okay. One, two, three.

[TV and ensemble]

I want to be a princess

You can be a princess

We can all be princesses

In a fairy tale

Sing and dance and twirl around

Spinning in a ballroom gown

We can all be princesses

In a fairy tale

Ho, ho, ho! Happy birthday, Franny. Look what I bought you. These are from me, okay? Only me, your favorite uncle.

Yay, guns!

Guns!

[Debbie] That is not a princess gift.

Tough titties.

Let’s play!

You got it, kid.

[TV] The boys

[Mickey] Okay, shoot!

No, no, Uncle Mickey!

Sorry, Debs.

[Mickey] No, no, go ahead, go ahead, shoot me–

[Franny] I’m gonna get you!

[Mickey] Blow my brains out, kid. Come on.

[Franny] Okay, okay.

[Mickey] Go ahead.

[Franny] I got you, you’re dead! I shot you!


[medic] Yeah.

[medic] Watch your step.

Oh, shit. I’m really sorry again, sir, that you had a heart attack. You know, I somehow feel responsible. Maybe you shouldn’t had all those pitchers of beer. Well, back at it again in the morning, right, sir?

[heart monitor speeds up]

Or maybe not.

[rock music]

[engine turns over]

[siren wailing]


[Tami] Oh, God.

I ate too much cake.

Oh, yeah, I didn’t go anywhere near that pink frosting shit.

[laughs]

Hey, what kind of party you think Fred’s gonna want when he’s older?

A Terminator party.

[laughs] Why? Is that what you wanted when you were a kid? Yeah?

Maybe.

Hey! Yo, hey, whoa!

[Tami] Whoa, what the hell?

[Lip] Marsha?

Lip.

What, you fucked up our house before?

The three of us.

Why?

You’re making your house look too good.

So?

Our property tax will go up.

What, because we planted a couple flowers?

And put in new windows and mulch, cleaned up the trash. People are gonna wanna do the same as you. White folk will drive around the city looking for a new place to live, never imagine themselves down here. Then they see your house, call the realtors. Rent will go up. Property tax. We’ve been here our whole lives, and now we’re being pushed out. Where will we go then?

[siren wailing faintly]

[sighs]


Franny did not like her party.

Yeah, not so much.

You were right. I mean… I only did this for myself. I just–I always dreamed of having a princess party as a kid.

I’m sorry, babes.

Not that I would do it differently or anything.

Really?

I mean, fuck no. It’s like, Franny’s only five. It’s not like she’s gonna remember any of this shit. Even if she does, a little bit of disappointment is good for her. I mean, I would do anything for that kid, but… sometimes I just… it’s gotta be about me. [chuckles]


[siren wailing]

Wow, it gets sketchy here at night.

Yeah, we should probably go home.

She’s down there. Come on.

You sure about this?

Fuck Frank. Why should we give him 2/3 of our money?

‘Cause he’s our partner.

[Veronica] We can do everything he did.

[Kev] I’m not sure I can make those pineapple lollipops.

Go, ask.

[sighs]

Hey, um, how you doing? We’re looking to, um, buy some weed– ganja, smoke, marijuana.

[Veronica] Kev…

I know you?

[Kev] No.

Yeah, you do. Our friend was here earlier. I should say our partner. Frank Gallagher?

Sorry, I don’t got nothing.

What, seriously?

You know anyone else who’s selling?

Nope.

Come on, how’s that possible?

That’s because I bought it all from her… dramatic music …with my earnings from today.

[laughs]

Hey, Frank!

Hey.

I wanted to get a jump start on tomorrow’s work. Little did I know my partners would be going behind my back.

Just for the record, I was hesitant about this.

I think from now on, our cut’s gonna be 70/30. I’m the 70.


[Ian exhales heavily]

Guess the interview didn’t go so good?

Nah. I don’t do normal. It’s boring as fuck, man. I don’t want to end up a monkey like you anyway.

Just trying to be a mature adult. That’s all.

Well… I, uh, like doing things my way. So we gonna fuck, or what?

Nope. You didn’t get a real job.

Fine by me, man. See if I care. In fact, I might just jerk off with all my money. Yeah. Come here, guys. Mm… Mm, mm, yeah. Ooh, yeah, come here. Suck that dick, Benjamin Franklin. Come on now. Got a little three-way with– whoever the fuck that is. Mm, mm. Yeah, you like that? What if we, uh, add– hey, fuck off, George Washington, cheap-ass motherfucker.

[rock music]

Oh, I like that. Uh-huh, keep going. God, money really does buy happiness, huh?

♫ Lying in my coffin instead ♫

♫ The way I feel, I’d rather be dead ♫

♫ Sucking on some cherry so red ♫

We really have to do this?

Yes, we have to maintain a negative curb appeal.

But I love our house.

Hey, me too. I wanna stay in it with you and Fred forever.

♫ It’s the pits, it’s the pits ♫

Well, what do you think?

Nice.

How about mine?

Wow. That’s perfect. You did good for the neighborhood, babe.

Anything to help our family.

Even a giant squirting penis.

Exactly. [laughs]

Muah.

♫ Faded like the night in the sky ♫

♫ Waving at the neighbors bye bye ♫

♫ It’s the pits, it’s the pits ♫

♫ Don’t look down you stepped on shit ♫

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