Larry the Cable Guy – Remain Seated (2020) – Transcript

Larry the Cable Guy is back to Git R Done. "Remain Seated," his latest solo special, will show you why this Grammy nominated, multi-platinum recording artist, and Billboard award winner is at the top of his game. Coming to you straight from the Rialto Square Theatre in Joliet, IL to your seat at home!
Larry the Cable Guy: Remain Seated (2020)

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Larry, The Cable Guy!

[crowd cheer and applaud]

All right. Thank you. Please remain seated. Do not rush the stage. Thank you. Well, this is awesome.! Who cancelled? Thank you so much… for having me. This is a good-looking crowd. I’ll tell you what. Right now, Cracker Barrel’s wondering where all the regulars are, right? Look at this. This is good-looking! Well, good to be in Joliet! That’s right.

[crowd cheer and applaud]

I bet that’s the first time you ever heard that.

[all laughing]

I’m only kidding. Hey, I’m glad– Hey, look, I gave up a colonoscopy to be here, all right? So… This is a big deal for me, too, so thank you for coming. Daggum good-looking folks in Illinois. I’ll tell you that much. I love you, which begs the question, “What state are you from?”

[all laughing]

I’m only serious. All right, anyway. No, I’ll see you at the house. God bless you. Thank you. We’re gonna have fun tonight, I tell you. I’d done a show last night, and the folks that didn’t walk out on me really enjoyed it, so, uh… I always like to picture everybody naked when I first come out. You know, I’m not nervous or nothing. I’m just a pervert, so…

[all laughing]

Daggum, you need to put your clothes back on right here. -Aah, what is that?

[crowd laughing]

[chuckles] You should picture me without clothes on. Then you’d be laughing so hard, I wouldn’t have to tell any jokes up here. Sorry about my outfit. I just come from a wedding, so I apologize for that, but… It was a weird wedding, too. They had the father-daughter dance. They ended up leaving together.

[all laughing]

All right, one more joke like that, I’m getting the hell out of here, all right, ’cause th-that’s uncalled for, right there. I guess I should do this. Git-R-Done!

[all cheering]

That’s right, Git-R-Done! You know, the first phrase– That wasn’t my original phrase. The first one I’d come up with was “Yipper-dipper-ripper-scripper!”

[crowd chuckles]

I know, right? It wouldn’t fit on a hat, plus, I don’t know what the hell it means! All right? No idea. I was going to, uh, work out, this morning, but, I, uh– I woke up with a sweat, so I figured I already had done there, so, uh…

[crowd laughing]

Almost didn’t make it here tonight. Uh… I hate flying in airplanes. I had to fly to meet my bus, and I hate flying them daggum airplanes, and the daggum airport wouldn’t let me bring my emotional support stripper with me on the airplane.

[all laughing]

I ain’t kidding. When that plane gets a-goin’ like that, if I can’t motorboat a pair of titties, I’m in trouble.

[all laughing]

All right? It was so windy where I live one time, I lost my hat, two cigars, and my neighbor’s house. Lost his house, ’cause one of my cigars blowed in his trailer and burned his house down, all right? So let’s keep that to ourselves. It got out of control, too, it burnt down Cheryl’s she-shed.

[all laughing]

All right? That’s right. Now you know the whole story right there. You know the whole story. Tonight’s a special night for me. Tonight is the 10-year anniversary when my hometown gave me the keys to the city and had a little parade for me. -So, uh, thank you so much.

[applause]

Thank you. Remain seated. Thank you. And tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary, again, when they, uh, changed all the locks in the city, all right? Well, it’s cold wintertime again. Do you like the winter?

[crowd moaning]

I hate it. I like summer better than winter. That winter kills me. My weenie’s been an innie for the last five days in here. Can’t– I ain’t kiddin’. I could flash a cop and not get in any trouble right now. It snowed the other day. I can only pee my initials in the snow, all right? But my upper body loves cold weather. My lower body can’t handle it. I wish they’d get together on the weather. It gets cold out… [clicks tongue] You could play “This Little Piggy” on my daggum nipples. He hates you, but they love– These little piggies went to market! Yeah, well, that little hog stayed home, all right? I guarantee you that. It’s cold everywhere. I was in Los Angeles, California. It’s so cold, I’d seen a junkie with his tongue stuck to the spoon, all right? My wife’s from Wisconsin. You think you guys get cold? Go to Wisconsin. Holy smokes. We was up there Thanksgiving. You know how cold it was up there? How cold was it?! That sucked! -Um…

[all laughing]

It was so cold in Wisconsin, the ice cream machine at McDonald’s was working.

[all laughing]

Now, I like hot weather. I like when it’s hot and humid. I love that. I lived in Florida for a long time. I love hot and humid. It was so hot down there one time, I seen a squirrel putting talcum powder on his nuts.

[all laughing]

Now, I don’t like it when it’s hot and humid and I gotta wear blue jeans everywhere. Holy mackerel, walking like this. Uh, we could film four episodes of Swamp People in my pants, all right? It was bad. I went in for a physical, dropped my underbritches, three mushrooms fell out.

All right?

[all laughing]

I ain’t kiddin’! That explains why I kept getting followed by that truffle pig right there. I knew that much. I was two days away from them declaring my crotch a wetland area.

[crowd chuckling]

But they try to scare everybody now with the heat, don’t they? Try to scare you, make it hotter than it is. When I was growing up, 99 degrees was 99 degrees. Now it’s 99 degrees out, but the feels like temperature’s 103. It feels like? Who come up with that? A fisherman? The “feels like” temperature? Stupid! You know what? My wiener’s three inches, but it feels like nine! [all laughing and clapping] It’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous. Well, my wife sent me up to the grocery store all by myself the other day to get some feminine products. You know. Celery, carrots, lettuce.

[all laughing]

Heh! I had to buy some chewing tobacco so I don’t look like a pajama boy sissy in there. Anybody chew tobacco?

[man] Yeah!

That guy. Ma’am, you. All right, perfect. That’s good. I like chewing tobacco, but I only do it ’cause it keeps you from eating sugar and eating bad food late at night, so… you can see that’s working out real good for me right now. That’s– Now I’m fat, and I got bad teeth! What the hell? I hate that grocery store self-checkout. What in the world? All the enjoyment of working at the store without the satisfaction of getting a paycheck. That’s always nice. You like self-checkout? I hate it. Every time I go in there, I get stuck behind some idiot trying to find a bar code on a cucumber in there.

[crowd chuckling]

You ever done this? You ever buy a Kit Kat bar? You got like 12 items, you got a Kit Kat bar, and then they look at you and go, “You gonna take that, or you want that in a bag?” That’s when you know you’re a fat-ass right there, all right? I know. They pissed me off last week. They done that with potato salad I had in there. I know! And they put a napkin and a fork on the daggum thing for me! [blows raspberry] Excuse me. Have you, uh… Have you ever seen somebody at the grocery store– You ever seen a fella in there staring at a head of cabbage? I was up there one time. I seen a dude all by himself staring at a head of cabbage. I got a theory about that. That guy’s wife sent him up there to get a head of lettuce.

[all chuckling]

All cabbage ought to come with a label on it that says, “This is not what your wife wants you to buy.” Three days before Thanksgiving, my wife sends me up to the grocery store to get some yams. 45 daggum minutes, I’m looking for yams. I can’t find a daggum yam. I come home. I said, “They ain’t got no yams up there.” She goes, “You mean to tell me three days before Thanksgiving, they don’t got no sweet potatoes at the grocery store?”

[crowd chuckling]

“I’ll be right back.”

[crowd cheering]

Yeah. Christmas is my favorite time of year, it goes too quick. But, you know, at our house, we celebrate Christmas every day, and I’ll tell you why. Two reasons. Number one, we love the Lord Jesus. He was born on Christmas Day. -That’s why we celebrate it. And, uh…

[crowd cheering]

Number two, my sister looks like Burl Ives.

[all laughing]

I don’t eat good at Christmas, I’ll tell you that much. I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve, I put it on, it dialed 911.

[all laughing]

You know what killed me at Christmas last year foodwise? The Kentucky Fried Chicken 12 day Advent Calendar. Holy smokes! Them five golden wings had me turtle-doving all the way to the bathroom. I guarantee you. I ain’t kidding. I could have dropped my pants and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree right there, I guarantee you. Every time I start getting a little too fat at Christmas, so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift to hint around that I’m too fat. You know what they got me last year? A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria.

[all laughing]

We run our kids up to the Walmart last year to see the Christmas Village up there. We wasn’t there more than 10 minutes. Somebody was already running a meth lab out of the gingerbread house.

[all laughing]

The hell? I mean, I love shopping at Walmart, but daggum, that’s like a meth maker’s paradise in there, ain’t it? [chuckles] Walmart’s the only store in the world you can go and see somebody buying 16 boxes of cough syrup and some garden hose, nobody thinks that’s weird.

[all laughing]

You ever shopped at Walmart after midnight? Holy smokes! Ho, they ought to charge a cover charge in there after midnight. Daggum, it’s like a casting call for Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in that place. If you’ve never been to the circus, go to Walmart after midnight. You’re bound to see a couple of bearded women, a toothless wonder, and the fattest man in the world on a scooter up there. They got good deals after midnight, though. Last time I was up there after midnight, 75% off self-esteem.

[all chuckling]

That’s right. I walked in there like this. I walked out like this. I was like this. Oh.

[audience cheering]

That’s right. You can get everything at Walmart. Except good customer service. Holy smokes! Here’s my impression of the hiring practices at Walmart. Let me ask you this. Have you ever cared about anything in your entire life?

[all laughing]

[sighs] No? All right. You start Tuesday, all right? [chuckles] We’ll put you in the DVD department. My wife wanted to go to Walmart. She’s trying to find the cheapest mop, she could get for something she was doing, so we go to Walmart and get a mop, $4.95. Go up there to pay for the mop, and the lady goes, “You wanna buy the protection on this?”

[all chuckling]

You know what? I think we’re gonna risk it this time, all right? Got a 95% chance we’re gonna throw that away when we’re done with it, anyways. At our Super Walmart, you can get your hair cut. They got everything! My buddy got his haircut at Walmart. $20 for a haircut. Actually, $5 for a haircut, $15 for the hat you gotta wear the next three weeks, all right? Got a doctor’s office up at the Walmart. Holy smokes! People going in there. I was there the other day. They gave a guy three minutes to live in there. And he ended up getting hired as a door greeter once he walked out that door.

[all laughing]

[chuckles] I had to go get a flu shot one time. I didn’t wanna go to the doctor, and my wife goes, “Well, shoot! Run up to Walmart. They’re giving flu shots!” Are you kiddin’ me? I ain’t gettin’ a flu shot at Walmart! Daggum. Normally I gotta get vaccinated before I go in there!

[all laughing]

Get a flu shot at Walmart! The flu’s the last thing I’m worried about at Walmart, all right? Daggum, they probably got Ebola behind a box in there somewhere I didn’t know about. I was up there one time. There’s a dude up front in a hazmat suit! I’m like, “Is it safe to go in there?” He goes, “Yeah, why?” I go, “You’re in a hazmat suit!” He goes, “No, I work here. I’m collecting the carts.”

[all laughing]

So every time I go up my local Walmart, I’m friends with a lot of folks up there, but every time I go up there, I see Doug. I always wave to Doug. I walk in, “What’s up, Doug?” Doug kinda, “Hey.” You know, every time, “Hey, Doug!” Let me ask you something. Have you ever called somebody the wrong name for about five years?

[all laughing]

[laughing] They don’t even acknowledge you’re calling ’em the wrong name? They just make you look like a douche bag for five years. Well, I finally got to talking to Doug three days ago. Her name’s Denise. [all laughing and applauding] [chuckles] So my buddy rented out– He wanted to save money on his wedding. He rented out a Walmart, got married at a Walmart. It was unbelievable. Got married in the jewelry department, and we had the reception in the deli over there, and… we all got our pictures took in the photo booth, and then we left, and they had their honeymoon in the men’s room. It was unbelievable, and there’s– It was a wedding made in China. Let me ask you this. Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation from somebody that you barely know? What the hell? It’s like gettin’ a bill in the mail. I hate weddings. I was in one a while back, holy smokes! I ain’t saying the bride was overweight, but whoo! My buddy caught the garter belt. He’s still been using it to tie up cordwood on his pickup truck, all right? Boy, these were some– You should have seen the bridesmaids! Their corsages was personal pan pizzas, all right? [crowd laughing] I ain’t kiddin’ with you. They all went to school together. They was in the same sorority, so they had their sorority shirts on, you know, “Thelma Eda Tater.” My uncle just got married, 72 years old. My golly. He run out of Viagra on the honeymoon. So he ended up having to use a can of Fix-a-Flat.

[all laughing]

I know. To make a long story short, he overinflated, and, uh… spent the rest of the night at Jiffy Lube having to get a patch put on him down there. Hey, this is crazy. True story. Check this out. My mother-in-law, last month, won $400 in a hot-dog-eating contest. It’s unbelievable, $400! 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, she ate. I couldn’t believe it! [scoffs] My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes!

[all laughing]

[applause]

I know. Oh, she talks. I know! She can talk. She’s the only woman at the beach getting melanoma on her tongue, all right? I guarantee you. I’m not a big gambler. My– My grandma, holy mackerel. I’m not saying she’s addicted to Blackjack, but she’s got a medical alert bracelet on that says, “In case of emergencies, split the kings.” [all laughing] My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas, ’cause she likes to go see the Chippendales. Yeah. You know why she likes going to the Chippendales? Why, Larry? She didn’t marry very good. [all laughing] She married a chunkendale. [all laughing] She gives me money to put my clothes back on’s what she does. I like going out there to Las Vegas. That’s where you see all the 1970s-80s classic rock bands singing out there, you know? I like them bands. [cheering] Yeah, the only difference between seeing them bands now and 30 years ago, 30 years ago, go backstage, smell that pot everywhere, and now it smells like pot and Bengay, you go back of them things. They all still got long hair, too, Ain’t that somethin’? Unfortunately, it’s coming out their nose and ears on most of them fellas in there. Here’s one thing you never wanna hear a classic rock band say when you go to the concert. “Here’s one off our new album.” “Honey, let’s go get a beer. Nobody wants to hear that bullshit.”

[audience laughing and clapping]

No, sir! I went to see Molly Hatchet, and that was awesome right there. I like old Molly Hatchet. You know what was cool about it? After the concert was over, true story, I got to go in the lobby and take a picture with all the cardboard cutouts of the original members. [all laughing] I like going to the buffets out there, to casino buffets. They delicious. You ever been to the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet at the casino? Holy smokes! That’s the day I got red-flagged by the Plumbers Union right there, I’ll you what? Whoo! I had to keep a hard hat by the toilet for three weeks after I went in there. You ever use all the paper and have to end up finishing with the tube? Have you ever done that at all, anybody? I haven’t done it. I’m asking if you’ve had to do that! I ain’t done that! [crowd chuckling] We got a winner right here. We got a winner.

[cheering and applaud]

[chuckles] People got no manners at them daggum buffets. There was a guy actually sitting at the buffet! Pissed me off. I walk up there, “You know, you ain’t supposed to stick your face right in the dag–” [grunts] I felt bad he was in a wheelchair. Oh, man. Believe me, I felt bad. Not as bad as I felt, though, when I pushed him out of the way, I’ll tell you that much. “Get out of the way, roller boy.” I’m about to make some bad decisions right here.” [chuckles] I love that Golden Corral, that’s a good restaurant right there. Oh, that is good in there. They ought to have a scoring system at Golden Corral like they do in bowling, you know? Walk in there to eat, they put your name up on the TV screen and show everybody how much food you ate after 10 trips to the buffet. You can pick teams and compete with other fat folks in there, and that’d be something. “Hey, sweetheart, where’s my stretch pants?” It’s League Night at Golden Corral tonight.” I’d seen a couple get engaged at the Golden Corral. Hey, fellas, here’s a tip. If you’re gonna ask your girl to marry you at a Golden Corral, get down on two knees and do it, so she can’t kick you in the nuts.

[all laughing] [clapping]

I was down in Branson. They got stuff down there, buffets, holy smokes. They got an international buffet in Branson. It is crazy. They got food all the way from Memphis. Got a double-decker buffet. They got a double decker. One of the world’s largest buffets, double decker, spiral staircase. All right, that’s just what all us fat folks have been clamoring for out there, a buffet with a staircase. Oh, damn! I’m gonna get some more of them doughnut holes. “They’re upstairs.” You know what? I’m all right, I guess. I’ll be all right. I’ll stay down here, get some meatballs, put some powdered sugar on them. That’s what I’d do right there. Lot of old folks down there in Branson riding them scooters down there. I find that crazy. These folks have lost their driver’s license two decades ago, but they’re gonna go ahead and let them have motorized vehicles in a room full of pedestrians at the buffets down there. Trying to get food, they’re zipping by like it’s a drive-through. [blows raspberry] I went up to get some potato salad. It was like I was in a live Frogger game all of a sudden. You go like that. What the hell? [screams] I finally got hit head-on by some old dude trying to text and drive. He’s trying to send a crotch shot to Tinder, apparently. I was, uh… at a restaurant one time. You ever been to these restaurants, and you go to the bathroom? It can be any restaurant that you go to the bathroom, and then go take a leak in there, and they got a sign that says, “All employees must wash hands.” That scares the hell out of me right there. They need a sign to tell these folks to wash their hands? I mean, what the hell? Makes me wonder what kind of sign they got back in the kitchen we can’t see back there! Don’t snot in the coleslaw.

[all laughing]

Don’t drip your scrotum in the salsa. [crowd screaming in laughter] [chuckles] I know. Hey, that actually happened one time. That’s a true story. You remember that story? A waiter was mad at a customer, dipped his scrotum in the salsa! [groans] That’s why I always order the hot cheese dip. -[all laughing] -Yeah. [chuckles] That’s right. Most of your waiters aren’t that dedicated, all right? We live in a great country, though. I’ll tell you what? These people bitch about our country. This is an awesome country. We got– You realize there’s a buffet on every street corner in this country? Other people starving. You ever see that starving kid commercial? For eight cents a day, you can feed a starving child– Eight cents a day? Daggum, you can’t keep a gerbil alive for eight cents a day! Daggum, I go through 270 bucks a day, and I’m on a diet.

[all laughing]

Reading an article in the paper the other day, and… fella jumped off some mountain with one of them kites, Batman kites, and it didn’t work, and he slammed into something. It killed him, and it said, “Diver dies ’cause of freak accident.” Freak acc– That ain’t a freak accident! Y-You jumped off a building with a kite on your back! That’s a dumbass accident, is what that is. A freak accident? Ain’t no freak ac– I’ll tell you what a freak accident is. You’re down there at the local, you know, stop-and-shop down there and getting gas, and unbeknownst to you, there’s two clowns in a knife fight, and one of them falls and stabs you in the face. That’s a freak accident right there, all right? [laughter and applause] [crowd cheering] Yeah, buddy! Read another article one time. This is why I don’t like polls. I see an article. They said they polled in Washington, D.C. They polled 2,500 women, said, “Now that Bill Clinton’s way older, would you sleep with Bill Clinton?” Unbelievable! 94% said, “Not again!”

[all laughing]

Thank you. Good night. Thank you so much! Good night. Thank you. All right, I’ll stay. I’ll stay. All right, you convinced me. I’m gonna hang out for a while. Remain seated. Stupid polls. “Well, the polls indicate–” I ain’t ever been polled. You ever been polled? I haven’t been polled. Been polled? Been polled? Been polled? There’s only one poll I ever trusted. That’s the polls I do at my shows. And I’d done one last night, and I believe this. I polled all my audience last night. 87% of them said at this point in time during my show, they want their money back.

[all laughing]

[woman] No!

I’ve been, uh– Well, you’s one of the 13%.

[all laughing]

87-13, yeah! 13% right there! Yeah! Right? I know my daggum math!

[crowd cheering]

[laughing]

You know, I work a lot of fairs. I love working fairs. It’s awesome, ’cause I grew up in fairs! And I love fairs– What has happened to the clientele at the fairs lately, though? Holy smokes. I was up there the other day. There’s a dude walking like he’s bleeding from the nose, you know, walking like he’s got a daggum fart stuck sideways, heading down that thing down there. Looked like a Greyhound bus overturned. He came walking in, trying to get help or something. I mean, it’s unbelievable at these fairs. By the way, anybody ever ride a Greyhound bus? I used to ride them back in the early days of comedy, holy smokes! Only thing slower than a Greyhound bus is the people on the daggum bus. They’re a good value, though. I went from Sanford, Florida, all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska, one time, $49. Oh, man! 119 days! -[all laughing] -[sighs] Holy smokes! And the big selling point at the time was, “Now with more leg room.” What they needed was more head room so I could have hung myself halfway through the trip!

[man] Git-R-Done! -Git-R-Done. So I won one of ’em big stuffed animals one time at the fair, which I hated, ’cause I had to carry it around the whole time. And I win something, and the guy goes, “What do you want?” and I said, “Well, give me that goofy-lookin’ minion right there, that little minion.” He says, “What?” I said, “That goofy lookin’ minion with the purple hat right there!” He goes, “That’s the manager!”

[all laughing]

You ever ride the rides at the fair? They scare the heck out of me. My little boy goes, “Daddy, can we ride the roller coaster?” “We ain’t ridin’ a roller– You do realize, son, they put that up in an hour in a parking lot, all right?” Probably got a bunch of parts left over on that daggum thing. “Remember last Christmas when I got you that bicycle and put it together “in 50 minutes, and you got on it, the wheels fell off, “and you racked your nuts, remember that whole day right there?” That’s gonna happen to you on that rollercoaster right there.” He’s like, “Come on, Daddy!” “No, we’re not doing it. That’s it!” So we’re on the roller coaster there, and, uh… Ugh! I was so mad. I almost puked on that thing. It went upside down. [groans] I get done, I go, “You didn’t tell me it went upside down.” The guy running it goes, “It’s not supposed to.”

[all laughing]

How about that Ferris wheel? You like that Ferris wheel? [sighs] Me, either! Oh, yeah, the Ferris wheel, that’s a lot of fun, isn’t it? Yeah. Nothing I like better in the whole world than being completely bored and terrified at the same time. [chuckles] Which, by the way, is the same thing my wife told me on our honeymoon right there, all right? [chuckles] You ever get stuck on the Ferris wheel? Oh, man! I was up there with my kids. We was stuck. They was crying, freaking out. Trying to calm ’em down. “Don’t worry, kids. We’ll be all right.” “I’m sure that guy running it with seven fingers and a pentagram tattoo, all right, “I’m sure, I’m sure he’ll have us down in no time here.” “Soon as he’s done smoking that joint, I’m sure we’ll be right down out of this deal.” Anybody ever been to the fair on Senior Day?

[all chuckling]

I went on Senior Day. Most popular ride on Senior Day is the ambulance on the way out of the fair. Daggum, there’s one leaving the scrambler every two minutes in there. Best part about Senior Day, though, it only lasts from 3:30 to 5:00, so that’s a good thing. They got special prizes on Senior Day. I saw an old guy bust a balloon with a dart, and he won a pair of Depends with a picture of Def Leppard on it right there. The food’s different on Senior Day. The fried foods. Anybody ever have fried Lipitor?

[all laughing]

They got a guy that guesses your weight at the fair. They need somebody to guess your cholesterol level in there. I had a buddy of mine used to do that. He used to try to guess people’s weight at the fair. I went with him one time, and… this girl come up there. She goes, “What do you do?” He goes, “I guess people’s weight.” She goes, “How do you win?” I mean, she was a looker. You could tell.

[crowd laughing]

He goes, “Well, I guess your weight, and then you get on a scale.” if I’m five pounds either way, I win, you lose.” She goes, “I’m gonna do it.” He’s like, “All right. Uh, oof.” “317.” [crowd laughing] She gets on there, “Ha ha, you lose! 345!” I’m like, “He loses? Are you kiddin’ me?” “I got John Deere attachments that weigh less than you do right now.” “Congratulations. You’re blimp worthy.” [all laughing] But you can gain weight at the fair. It’s all fried, heavy– You like the– You ever eat the corn dogs at the fair?

[audience clapping]

Oh, yeah! -Oh, I love ’em! Holy smokes! Have you seen the size of the fair corn dogs? Holy smokes! I’m not saying they’re big, but I was eating one at the rodeo, and the horse come by and winked at me. -[crowd laughter and applaud] -[sighs] -[laughs]

[man wolf-whistles]

They’re good value, though. They’re only a dollar. But what they don’t tell you, it’s another $75 for ’em to come out to your house and snake your toilet, all right? They neglect to tell you that. I’ll tell you what I really hate at the fairs. The Porta Potties they got lined up there. Oh, what a disgusting, wretched stuff that is. They ought to have a midway game where you can win scented candles and fly swatters, you know what I mean? I don’t go in ’em anymore. Uh-uh! I was in a Porta Potty five months ago, and, no lie, my eyebrows just grew back last Tuesday, all right? I don’t go in them Porta Potties. When I’m at the fair, I take a plastic bag, and I pee in a ziplock plastic bag. That’s what I do. My wife’s like, “Put that away. You’re embarrassing me!” “What do you mean embarrassed? You ought to walk proudly.” It looks like I won you a goldfish over there!” The fish right there. [laughing] It’s catching on, too. My buddy walked by. “Hey, Larry, look! I’m doin’ it, too! Look at that!” I’m like, “I told you that– Uh-uh, you’re not supposed to poop in it!” “What are you doing?” Get it out of here! Get it out of here!” You ever see what some folks wear at the fair? It’s almost they ain’t got a mirror at the house. I’d seen a guy, about 326 pounds, wearing Lululemon shorts. What in the world? He bent down to pick something up, I could see his Lulu and his lemons, all right? -Daggum…

[all laughing]

“Get up. You’re scaring my kids. This is ridiculous.” Couple of years ago, my grandma, uh, playing bingo at the fair… won her a spa package. But to be honest, I think they gave her the wrong package. Uh, she said that she was able to tolerate the Botox… but during the Brazilian wax, she farted and blinded the attendant. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] [sighs] Lord, I apologize for that right there, and be with the starving pygmies down in New Guinea. Amen. -[mouthing] Listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

[audience cheering]

[audience applauds]

I saw my grandma topless… two weeks ago. [sighs] That’s the last time I let her drink before a concert, I’ll tell you that much. Daggum! It was embarrassing. It was windy out, so her boobies was flying around like one of them inflatable wind dancers in front of an oil change shop. -You know what I mean?

[audience laughing]

It was horrible. The Oak Ridge Boys didn’t even want to do an encore after they saw that. “Thanks a lot, Grandma. Your flapping titties just cost me an encore of “giddy up oom poppa maow maow” right there, all right? [scattered applause] I’m kidding. My grandma– My grandma’s awesome. She’s actually a widower. She’s trying to– She’s trying to meet some fellas now. She’s on one of them, uh, elderly dating services. She went on the Internet, Metamucil Mingle. -She’s been on that there for a while.

[audience laughs]

I think she’s on medical marijuana. I ain’t sure, but… she gave us a quilt the other day made out of Taco Bell wrappers, so there’s something going on there. [audience applauds, laughs] We almost lost my granddad. He’s 93 years old. He almost passed away– We almost lost him on the toilet. He almost died on the toilet. Boy, what a way to go right there. [sighs] Can you imagine dying on the toilet? I mean, what do you say to the relatives at the wake to make ’em feel better? I mean, that’s a tough one there. “Eh, Mrs. Eggerhof, we’re…” “we’re real sorry to hear about Ed. Man, that’s… [sniffles] [sighs] “But at least he died doing what he loved. -“You know, that’s–“

[audience laughing]

“We– We heard he fought ’til the bitter end, and that’s the thing.” “He– He wasn’t a quitter, so he got it out.” “We’re excited, and that’s nice. We’re gonna light a match tonight and remember him at midnight, and, hopefully…” [scattered laughter, applause] I read a story one time. A fella got bit by a snake sitting on the toilet. He got interviewed. He said, “First thing I thought was I need to call animal control.” -That’s the first thing he thought? -[scattered laughter] If I got bit by something, the first thing I’d think is, “What the hell did I eat last night?” [audience chuckles] “Daggum. My food’s circling back on me here.”

[audience laughing]

We almost lost my grandpa. He sat on one of ’em power flush toilets. You ever seen them energy-savers? You flush it. There’s a– [mimics flushing] It goes like that? I mean, if you sit on it and flush, it’ll put a hickey on your hind end. I guarantee you. It will. But he sat on there– [mimics flush] Flushed it. Boom! Left nut down the drain. I ain’t kiddin’ with ya. True story! I wish it wasn’t, but that’s a true story. [laughing] I’m trying to help him out. I’m trying to yank him off that thing right here. It’s stuck in that little tube hole in there. [grunting] It’s like daggum Stretch Armstrong. Like… [grunting] And finally– [sputters] It comes lose, slow motion, right in my daggum head. [mimics slow-motion yell] It hits me. [mimics collision] It was like them little knocker balls. You ever seen them little knocker balls? “Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!” Bloodied my daggum nose.

[audience chuckling]

My wife’s like, “What’s going on in here?” [sighs] “His twig and berries went MMA on me, is what happened in here. I have had it.” [sighs] I love him. My grandpa, an alcoholic. We had a family reunion here a while back. We rarely get ’em, but we finally got everybody paroled at the same time, -so we were able to… -[audience laughs] My family’s– [sighs] What in the world! Don’t even wanna talk about ’em sometimes. My brother, he’s all stressed out now ’cause he’s been reading the papers. He thinks he’s gonna lose his job to a robot. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, if he look in his wife’s drawer, he’s already lost his job.

[audience laughs, applauds]

[whistling] It’s true. It’s true. My sister-in-law, she’s about 4’10”, 290 lbs. She used to model decoy stumps down there at Cabela’s many years ago. She had her stomach stapled last week. Nothing medically. She was at work and accidentally stapled some papers to her stomach there. But my grandpa’s an alcoholic. He’s drunk at the reunion. I said, “Grandpa, why do you drink so much?” He said, “Look around. I’m responsible for all this.” [audience laughs, applauds] [whistling] [Larry chuckles] My cousin hates Halloween. He hates Halloween, boy. I don’t mind Halloween. Out cat died two days before Halloween this year so we left him in the yard for extra decoration for the kids. [audience laughs] Do you dress up for Halloween?

[audience members] Yeah!

I did this year. My buddy, I wanted to help him out. He’s got a health food business he’s starting, a little gym in there, so I dressed up– Put on a dress and went as a “trans-fat.” [audience laughing] [whistling, cheering] [sighs] I always go with my kids trick or treatin’. You know, but here’s the problem. I’m very flattered people dress like me when they trick or treat. But it’s weird when I go, ’cause I’m just hanging out with my kids! They knock on the door, people are like, “Oh, look, little Batman, little Superman.” Ah! Larry the Cable Guy! That’s a good costume!” Then I always hear somebody from the back of the room. “Who is it?” “He’s dressed like Larry the Cable Guy.” Then I hear, “Ugh! That guy sucks!”

[audience laughs]

What the hell? Next time, I’m gonna go as Foxworthy, all right? How’s that? -That’s right. [chuckles] -[whistling] -I don’t care if anybody thinks he sucks.

[whistling continues]

[groans] Ugh! Anyway, my cousin hates Halloween. Hates it. He says to me, “I am so sick and tired of Halloween.” “I’m trying to watch the daggum TV show.” “‘Trick or treat?’ Every two minute– ‘Trick or treat.'” Gotta get up and give them candy.” I’m like… “[sighs] Calm down. [chuckles] Buddy, you ain’t gotta participate.” There’s ways you can get around the Halloween and kids.” You know what he did? Went down and registered as a sex offender. [audience laughing] I’m like, “You do know all you gotta do is turn your porch light off, right?” [laughing] You do know that?” He goes, “You think I’ve done something stupid?” “Yeah, I think you’ve done something stupid!” You’re the Sheriff, for heaven’s sake!” -[mouthing indistinctly]

[audience laughing]

[scattered applause]

I always check my kids’ candy for poisons and razor blades. “Hold on, kids. You can’t eat that yet.” “I gotta check ’em for poisons and razor blades.” They come down later on. “Where’s all our candy?” “We live in a pretty bad neighborhood. I’ll be honest with ya.” “I swear we’re gonna move next year. I promise that.” “They ruined everything?” “No, not everything.” “They didn’t touch that box of raisins in there, but they…” Tell you what. Them Butterfingers, they was riddled with poison in there.”

[audience laughs]

I can’t eat like that no more. It sucks getting fat! Man, I’m trying to lose some weight. I gotta do something. It’s ridiculous! Ugh! I got on the trampoline the other day with my kids. I had two jumps, had to get off! I wasn’t tired or nothing. I had to get a ladder to get my boy out of a tree. [audience laughs] And it stinks, gettin’ older and fatter! And I used to be something back in the day, boys. I used to be something! I did. I used to run cross-country. You Google it. I think I still hold the state record for taking the most shits in the woods. [audience laughs] But I’m on a diet now. I’m eating nothing but Fruit Loops. But my wife has me on a…

[audience laughs]

My wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheat day. So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun… one day a week. [quickly] Or anytime I drive by a fast-food restaurant when she’s not with me in the car. -All right, not there. -[audience laughing] [loud whistle] [normally] She’s a stickler, too, I tell you what. She’d be up there sleeping, 2:30 in the morning. Dog go down there and bark at the door for ten minutes, she don’t hear nothing. She’s racked out. I gotta go down there and let the dog out. So next day, I go down. I’m kinda hungry. I pour a little– little bowl of Cap’n Crunch down there. I hear, “Get out of the Cap’n Crunch!”

[audience laughing]

“What the hell? I should have barked when I poured that Cap’n Crunch in there, is what I should’ve done. It sucks gettin’ old and fat, I’ll tell you. I remember when my beard turned white, my– my wife was, like, trying to comfort me. “Oh, that’s okay, honey. I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.” Made me feel a little better. Then she goes, “It’s the corn in your teeth that’s disgusting.” -All right?

[audience laughs]

I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y’all believe I eat broccoli. -All right, so I ain’t saying that.

[audience laughing]

[sighs] Here’s the thing about getting older. You start losing your daggum memory. I can’t– I have a hard time remembering stuff now. It’s so frustrating. Have you ever left your groceries on the roof of your car? Yeah? For three weeks? -You ever did that?

[audience laughing]

I’m a hypochondriac. I always think I’m dying of something. I’m freaking out. Had a red blotch right there one time for a week, it’s freaking me out. So I go get a biopsy on it. Tested positive for picante sauce.

[audience laughing]

[sighs] Idiot! Cost me $1,000 to do that! Good news is, he wrote me a prescription for napkins, so that was pretty good, I guess. I always think I’m dying. Don’t ever look nothing up on the Internet, ’cause it ain’t good. It’s always lupus or Lou Gehrig’s, that’s what it is, one of them two. I think I got both of them damn diseases. Seen a commercial the other day for breast implant leakage. I had every damn symptom of a breast implant leakage in there. These stupid things. I ain’t kidding with you. Don’t ever look it up. It’s always lupus. Except for one time I had a lump right here. Honest. “What in the hell?” I look it up. “Ah, brain cancer That’s–“

[audience laughs]

“That’s it for me. I’m a dead man. I got brain cancer.” You never learn nothing on the Internet, medically, looking it up. Except one time, I did. I found out that jock itch is also the name of a porn star in France. [laughing] And what is it about getting in your mid-50s, your big toe nail’s like a manhole cover all of a sudden? Holy smokes! I went to clip it the other day, the pin popped out of the clipper system in there. Holy smokes! Finally, I chip it off, hits my kid in the head, knocks him out, he’s bleeding from the eyeball. [audience laughing] I hate the waiting room, too, the walk-in clinic. Holy smokes, nobody’s got any manners in there, you know. Everybody’s sitting in there, hawking, hacking, coughing, farting, burping, belching– What the heck? Then you go see the nurse, “What are you here to see the doctor for?” “Well, it was a chest cold. Now I think I got hepatitis after being in there and…” Gotta go in there and wait ten hours for something. I could walk in there on bloody nubs, pulling my legs in a wagon in there… gotta sit for six hours. I ain’t sitting nowhere over an hour if I… ain’t got a wine list or something in there.

[audience chuckling]

Serve some beer. Boy, that’d be a game changer right there, wouldn’t it? Walk-in clinics start serving wine? [chuckles] “Excuse me, nurse. What wine do you recommend that goes with my itchy butthole?” [audience laughing] “Maybe a Boone’s Farm? Maybe a cherry wine or something like that or…” Then I finally get in to see the doctor, I got to wait on him in his room for another 45 minutes. Freezing cold, I’m in a backless paper gown. I’m a pair of high heels away from Caitlyn Jenner sitting in that office in there.

[audience cheering]

[thud] -Daggum. Yeah! -[whistling] Then he comes in there, and he looks at me. He looks around me. He looks in me. He lifts stuff up. He sighs a couple of times. It’s like a bad episode of Storage Wars every time I go to the doctor. [audience laughs] Then I spend all that money, waste all that time. You know what his diagnosis was? “You’re too fat.”

[audience chuckles]

Yeah, no kiddin’. What the hell? I could’ve stayed at home, and my wife’d tell me that for free. He’s like, “What are you gonna do about it?” “I don’t know. Hang out with people fatter than me, I guess.” Maybe take a selfie next to a cement mixer or something.” He’s like, “Well, you need to eat better. What did you eat last week?” “I don’t know. Go get my T-shirt.” [audience laughs] He says, “I want you to join a gym.” I ain’t joining a gym. Last time I was down there, I left a skid mark on the yoga mat. I ain’t going down to that gym.

[audience laughing]

He goes, “Well, get on a treadmill then. “Find a treadmill. Get on it. But start slow, and ease into it.” I don’t want you to have a heart attack.” Oh, that’s comforting right there. That’s when you know you’re a fat-ass right there. When cardiovascular exercise is like Russian roulette all of a sudden. “Honey, how much time you doing on the treadmill?” “I don’t know. Hopefully 30 minutes. I ain’t sure, all right?” “How’d he die?” “Sweatin’ to the oldies.” Weirdest thing I ever seen.” My buddy’s all mad at his doctor, ’cause he’s seen him driving a brand-new Mercedes-Benz. That’s good. Means you got a good doctor. I want my doctor to have a brand-new Mercedes-Benz. I don’t want to be a hour and a half away from open-heart surgery, my doctor show up in a ’78 Plymouth. You know, the door open up, a bunch of Pringles cans come falling out of the thing.

[audience laughing]

It’s like, “He thinks he’s better than me.” He is better than you. He’s a doctor. You’re a bouncer-slash-cook down there at Grits and Tits. I will say, though, and I hate admitting this, but sometimes I do think… that a doctor will talk you into a real expensive surgery just ’cause it’s more money. And I never used to think that way ’til after my hysterectomy, but… [audience laughing] I went and had a colonoscopy done. Boy, you ought to see the looks of the folks in that place. The looks on their faces, sittin’ in there, waiting on a colon– [chuckles] They all had that look like Wile E. Coyote seconds before he got hit by that anvil, you know what I mean? There was actually a guy sitting in a corner, holding up a sign that said, “Yikes.” They’re all for– And nobody’s nice to you. That’s the thing. I mean, not even the staff is treating you nice. And you know what’s fi’ing to happen. What in the hell? I mean, even Jiffy Lube puts out coffee and donuts.

[audience laughing]

And if I’m gonna go up there and they’re gonna start shoving stuff up my hind end, the least they could do is put out some bear claws. I was worried about that one. I said, “Oh, I gotta get a colonoscopy.” My wife’s like, “What are you worried about?” “Because they gonna put a camera up my hind end.” She goes, “Well, your head’s been up there eight months.”

[audience laughing]

All right, you do know you’re not funny, right? Worst part of the colonoscopy is the night before when you gotta drink the “go juice.” Holy smokes! I called waste management to give ’em a heads-up is what I did. “Hey, you better get some extra knob turners down there, ’cause… you’re fi’ing to have a donnybrook headed your way in five minutes.” Well, I was in there. I was reading a medical journal thing they had on the stuff they could do and what they– you know, all the operations they can do. Boy, what a time to be alive. I’d rather have a surgery now than 50 years ago. But some of the stuff they do– I read this article. They said they can now start to grow female reproductive organs in petri dishes for women that’s born with reproductive deformities. Ain’t that something? Boy… Like to be a kid now and get that chemistry set, I’ll tell you that much. Holy smokes. Ho. “Hey, where’s Larry at?” “Uh, he’s in the basement hoeing his vagina garden down there.” -[chuckles] That’s right.

[audience laughing, clapping]

Tell you what. Git-R-Done. That’s right. Yeah, they come up with a Twinkie tree, I’d never leave the house, I guarantee you. I guarantee you that. [audience laughing] I was in there. There was a woman breast-feeding in there, which is fine, that’s what you do. But if I’m being honest with you, the kid had to be four years old.

[audience laughing]

Isn’t that weird?

[woman in audience] Yeah.

I mean, I ain’t a woman. I don’t know, but four seems a little weird to me. I mean, I think when you’re breast-feeding, when the kid starts to incorporate salt shakers and a lime, you know what I mean? [chuckles] When he’s like, “Give me a squirt for my coffee,” maybe he’s a little too old for that, you know, maybe. Maybe it’s time to get him on the, uh, you know, titty milk 12-step program there in your area. I remember when we had kids, my wife used to have a breast pump, and she’d pump bottles. One time, she said, “Hey… you wanna taste that?” [chuckles] No. [audience laughing] Ha. She’s like, “Why? It’s better for you than cow’s milk.” [chuckling] Yeah, all right, whatev– Look, I’ve been on cow’s milk for some 50-odd years. I’m doing pretty good, all right. [chuckles] Only people I’ve ever seen drink your milk poop their pants eight times a day, all right, so… -[chuckles]

[audience cheers]

Ha. Ha. Yeah.

[audience member whistling]

Word out on the street is your product ain’t that good. -All right?

[audience laughing]

I seen a little baby, one-year-old, wearing glasses. How’d they know a baby needs glasses at one? What, he go to breast-feed and sucked the nose for nine months? [audience laughing] My neighbor’s got a newborn baby. And, uh, he fell in the toilet the other day, so… they got him sleeping in a bag of rice this weekend. [audience laughing] I got kids. I love my kids so much, but I tell you what, it’s unbelievable… how the Lord can create life. I mean, it’s unbelievable. You just see that little baby’s head pop out, you whole life is transformed and changed, and you just love it so much, and you cry, you know. And then, ten years later, that same thing, you wanna slap the living piss out of it, you know what I mean? It’s unbelievable, the whole different– I remember when my little boy was born. I was scared to hit a speed bump leaving the hospital for fear his head would go like that and crack open or somethin’. Here I am ten years later, driving down the interstate trying to drive, trying to get the perfect whack on the middle of his frickin’ head. And, uh, my wife’s like, “Be careful, you’re gonna crash.” I don’t give a shit. I’ll kill everybody in this car right now, all right? I could care less. I’ve had it with him right now.

[audience hooting]

It’s ridiculous. [audience hooting, whistling, clapping] Yeah, the Pope came out and said, “Married couples should have more kids.” That’s easy for him to say. Daggum Pope ain’t got no kids. How ’bout I drop my kids off at the Vatican for a couple of hours? How’s that sound? Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly out of the Pope hat, all right? [audience laughing] That’s why I never understood kidnapping. Really? You wanna put up with this bullshit? Are you kiddin’ me? Holy– You kidnap my kids, they’d be back on the porch in two days with an apology note strapped to the side of them. [audience hooting] Oh, but I love ’em. I don’t care what age it is, you put up with– I love ’em so much, I tell you. You know, I was gonna home school my kids, and them my wife reminded me, uh, we’re idiots.

[audience laughing]

[Larry chuckling] [chuckles] Hey, I was home schooled, and I-I loved it. I finished, uh, second in my class. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It wasn’t until two years ago, my mom told me that she’d made the dog valedictorian. -I don’t know what it is.

[audience laughing]

I worry about my kids. Oh, they’re so sweet. My little girl’s such a sweetie, and my little boy’s got a kind heart. And I just worry about bullies in sch– Oh. You know, I was bullied by a fourth grader one time, and, oh, I hated every minute of it. So I finally– I went home and told my wife she’s gotta go pick the kids up, ’cause I can’t handle it down there no more. Hey, you laugh. There’s some big-ass fourth graders out there. I mean, this girl, she wasn’t small. I’ll guarantee you that much. Remembered Father’s Day and my kids. By the way, Father’s Day is the biggest piece of crap holiday they got out there. That’s where your wife and kids take your money and buy you crap you didn’t want to begin with. All right? But my kids, they’re so sweet. They drew a picture of me. and put “We love you, Daddy” on it. And– Which is awesome. And I felt so bad, because instead of me going, “Man, I love my kids. This is–” The only thing I could think… when they gave it to me was… “I’m not that fat, am I?”

[audience laughing]

And it bugged me, and I told them, “Kids, I like the picture, but I’m not that fat.” They’re like, “Yeah, you are.” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” Yeah, so they took the picture and held it up to my cellphone, and it unlocked it.

[audience laughing]

Took a family vacation. Everybody wants to go canoeing, which I didn’t wanna do. Canoeing’s an old Indian word that means “butt blisters.” [audience laughing] Yeah, canoeing’s a lot of fun when you’re a fat guy. Yeah, that’s a lot of fun right there. My little boy’s in the front. I’m in the back. Going down the river for five miles, popping a wheelie, going in circles. Got a catfish stuck to my nipple. I can’t get it off of there. He’s like, “Why do I gotta wear a life jacket?” Because if this thing tips over, it’ll keep you alive long enough for me to save the Kentucky Fried Chicken over there, all right? [audience laughing] You know what the difference between canoeing with your wife and canoeing with your little boy is? [man] What? When you’re done canoeing, your little boy is still talking to you.

[audience laughing]

[chuckling] My wife’s– My wife’s 13 years younger than me. -[hooting] -Git-R-Done. I’ll never forget the preacher’s words. “I now pronounce you husband and incoming freshman.” You know who doesn’t like it when you marry younger women? Older women. [chuckles] Not all of them. Just her mom and her aunt. Here’s the bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. They’re already ready to go out and start doing stuff you’re sick and tired of doing. You know? Like… leaving the house.

[audience laughing]

Fourth of July, she’s like, “Let’s go see the fireworks display.” “All right. What channel is it on? I’ll be down in a minute.” I know my wife loves me, though, ’cause she married me looking like this. [chuckles] The good thing about marrying somebody that looks like this is there ain’t a lot to drop-off on the years to go by. You know, It’s like buying a Kia, you know? Sure, it’s a Kia, but it ain’t gonna get no shittier than that. All right? [audience laughing] People said to me, “You know, your wife only married you ’cause you’re famous.” And I asked her. I said, “Did you marry me ’cause I’m famous?” She said, “No. I married you ’cause you’re rich.” [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

What? I’m just kidding. I did ask her, though. I said, “Did you marry me ’cause I got money?” She goes, “No. It’s our money.” [audience laughing] My wife… uh, I love her so much. She goes to the spa every now and then. And I can’t ever figure the spa out. I go, “Why do you go the the spa all the time?” “‘Cause I like to sit in there and soak and think about stuff and relax.” “Well, we got a tub at the house. Can’t you soak in the tub at the house?” She goes, “Yeah, but at the spa, you don’t sit on the toilet and stare at me.”

[audience laughing]

My wife is sexy, too, boy. She likes to talk when we make love. That’s sexy right there. -[audience member hoots] -Oh, I love that. Make love every day. She says stuff like, uh, “You okay?” [audience laughing] “Why’s your face red?” “Blink twice if you can hear me.” I’m like, “Get off my leg. Oh, my chest. Ah, my chest. Get off. Get off.” Making love to my wife is like having a stroke with a happy ending.

[audience laughing]

I feel bad for her, too, ’cause I’m not handy around the house. [chuckles] I’m a comedian, you know? One time, I put up a towel rack. It fell off seven times. So she went and got a stud finder, and he put it up. I went shopping with her one time. And I hate this. Do I– “Does this make me look fat”? I hate that. I don’t know. Look what I’m wearing. Do you think I’m a fashion plate right here? “Honey, does this– Do I look fat in this?” “I don’t know. How much is it?” I’ll tell you if you look fat in it or not.” $400? [imitates pig squealing]

[audience cheering]

[Larry chuckling] Yeah. Anybody see the movie Cars? -[audience whistling, cheering] -All right, everybody seen that? That’s right. That’s how I’m able to afford these fancy britches right here. -[man] Yeah. -[Larry chuckling] I got a funny story to tell you about that. Here’s how I got that part. John Lasseter told me that I didn’t have to audition or nothing. He said he’d been to 200 celebrities, 150 voice-over artists. He didn’t have any clue. One day left, picked up Blue Collar Comedy CD. He heard my voice. Said, “That’s my tow truck. Get him on the phone.” [chuckles] That’s how I got the job. -It’s the craziest thing ever. -[audience cheering] I was so thankful. I’m not kidding.

[whistling from audience]

So thankful. So I go out there, and I’m nervous. I go out there. I’m nervous. It’s John Lasseter and Pixar, and he shows me around, and he puts me in this booth, and there’s the script, and he says, “All right. Just wanna let you know that, uh… “when we do these voices, I might, uh… “have you do the same voice, “same line, 12 times, but don’t think you’re doing bad.” We just get a lot of takes.” And then I said, “Okay, well how do you want– “How is Mater? Is he, kind of, a fast talker?” He goes, “What do you mean?” I go, “Well, just, I don’t know.” He goes, “He’s you. You’re Mater.” I said, ‘Well, yeah, but–” “No, just be you.” I’m like, “All right.” So my first line was, “My name is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh'”. So he did his line and he pointed at me, and I just went, “My name is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh'”. And he started laughing and said, “All right, we got it.”

[audience cheering]

[Larry chuckling] Yeah, right? [chuckles] I think he might have done one more, and that was it, and– So now we do the whole movie. It was awesome. Everybody’s great. Six years later, we’re on the Fantasy Cruise, of Disney’s Fantasy ship. And it’s the very first time it ever went out there, and they’re all there, all the Disney folks, the Pixar folks. I did a show in the showroom and… and I thought this was the weirdest request, but I did it. John Lasseter asked me to go up and take the ship’s microphone and make a ship’s announcement. It goes all over the ship. And then, once I’m done as Mater telling everybody thanks for coming on the ship, then have Mater introduce you, and you tell everybody thanks for coming to your show. And I thought, “Well, that’s kind of weird, but… [chuckles] I’ll go ahead and do it.” And we laugh every time we think about it, but it’s the actual… uh, message I did on the boat. This is what it sounded like. “Hey, everybody. This is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh.'” “Boy, I tell you what, I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park “that you come on this Fantasy Cruise, and shoot, daggum, “if you ever get to Radiator Springs, “you and me will do us some backward driving.” “All right, then, don’t forget. You and me, we is best friends.” “Now here’s my buddy, Larry the Cable Guy, to say something to you.” Hey, everybody. This is Larry, the Cable Guy.”

[audience laughing]

Same voice! God bless you guys. Thank you so much… for an awesome night tonight. I hope you enjoyed everything, and Git-R-Done!

[audience cheering]

[Larry] Thank you so much. Thank you.

[theme music playing]

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