Craig Ferguson: Just Being Honest (2015) – Transcript

In his second comedy special for EPIX, Craig Ferguson puts his sometimes cheeky, always irreverent spin on universal topics from sex and drugs to rock & roll-including his hilarious experiences with Mick Jagger and Kenny G.
Craig Ferguson: Just Being Honest

Watch the full show for free on YouTube

[bagpipe music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause intensify]

It’s a great day for America, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

It’s– It’s a great day for me. I finally get to use my sign! You’d be surprised how many times in America they’re not that happy to see that sign. We’ve been touring. They’re like, “This is Greensboro, North Carolina. Boo!” Who’s smoking weed? I can smell weed. What the f*ck? Look, this is an intervention. Actually, I’m not doing a show. We’re worried about your weed use. You got any weed up there in the cheap seats? Any weed going on up there?

[cheers and applause]

[Craig laughs] I’m very happy to be here. If you’ve ever seen me before, first of all, I apologize– no refunds. And secondly, you know what I like to do every evening is tell a joke, just one joke, but a great joke– the best joke in the world. Yeah. No, that’s true. If you Google the– [light applause] – All right. I want to encourage you. No, the– [applause] No, no, no, no. I’m over it. Anyway, look, this is the number-one joke in the English language, this joke, and the number-one joke in the United States. And if you know anything about me, you know I’m a very patriotic American. No irony, no bullshit, very patriotic. I start every show with “It’s a great day for America.” That’s my thing. That’s my catch–

[cheers and applause]

Don’t. No, it’s all right. It’s my catchphrase– “It’s a great day for America.” I tried other catchphrases. I tried, “That sounded dirty.”

[laughter]

Just kind of creep people out. And then, “See you in hell, amigos!” And nobody could make any sense of that one. My own personal favorite– “F*ck you, Dr. Phil!” But…

[laughter and applause]

None of them took off, so it’s a great day for America. That’s my thing that I say. That’s the one I’ll be saying for the rest of my life. That’s the one I’ll be saying when I’m doing ads for local car dealerships. Come on down to Toyotathon, cheeky monkeys. Look at these deals in new and used models. It’s a great day for America.

[laughter]

That’s the big blowy guy out front. I don’t know. Oh, I see what you’re doing. It’s the big blowy guy out front. Did any of you see the big blowy guy out front? Hello. I think you know what I’m saying. [laughs] It’s not a great idea having a catchphrase, to be honest, if you do what I do, because people get very angry if you forget to say it. I won’t say where, but recently in Greensboro, North Carolina, I came out, and I forgot to say, “It’s a great day for America,” and there was a gentleman waiting for me at the stage door. And I’m not talking, like, in Broadway, where the gentleman has a top hat and a scarf and says, “Can I take you to a supper club, young missy?” I mean…

[laughter]

Ooh, here’s hoping tonight. But, no, I mean, there was a guy waiting. I think–I’m pretty sure he was armed. He was like, “Why didn’t you say it was a great day for America?” I was like, “I just forgot, man.” He’s like, “You didn’t forget. I know what you’re doing. I seen Homeland.” It was like, “No, man, I forgot.” People get mad at you if you forget to say it, and people get mad at you if you say it. There’s always one every night, if I come out and I’m like, “Oh, it’s a great day for America,” they’ll be somebody like, “Why is it a great day for America, Craig? My cat got shingles today.”

[laughter]

“My cat, which is coincidentally named America.”

[laughter]

It’s all right. Cats can’t get shingles. It’s just a joke. I don’t think they can get shingles, anyway. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, just like Dr. Phil isn’t.

[laughter and applause]

No, I don’t know. Shingles is–I mean, I wouldn’t wish shingles on a cat. It’s a terrible thing. It is. If you’ve ever had shingles, it’s awful. It sounds like it’d be fabulous. Like, “You wearing your shingles to Gay Pride?” “F*cking bet I am, bitch. I’m gonna be covered in shingles and smelling of weed.” But it’s not like that at all, shingles. It’s like, “Oh, God! Aah, it’s so painful, shingles. I hope cats get this.” [chuckles] But people get mad at you if you say your catchphrase. People get mad at you if you don’t say your catchphrase. People get mad at you if you do what I do for a living. They just get mad at you if you just talk. I think people are mad at me on the way to the f*cking theater. I think people are offended before they leave the f*cking house. “You ready to go to the show?” “Yep.” “Are you offended?” “F*cking right, I am. Let’s go.” So, if people get offended at one of my shows, I think, “What did you think was gonna happen? “What did you think was gonna happen? I mean, what”… [babbling] Anyway, what I’m saying is people get offended all the time. Let me just apologize now, do you know what I mean? Let me just apolo–because before this night is through, I guarantee that each and every one of you will be offended by something that I say.

[cheers and applause]

Save your applause until it’s your turn, all right? Not that I’m gonna offend you, of course, because I happen to believe what everyone in this room believes. Craig, that’s crazy. You can’t believe what everyone believes. I don’t. I only believe what everyone in this room believes. Everyone who’s not here is a stupid asshole. Am I right, everybody in this room?

[cheers and applause]

Yeah! I’m not judging them. I’m just being honest. That’s what you say, by the way, if you want to say the worst shit you can think of and get away with it, you just add to the sentence, “I’m not judging. I’m just being honest.” Then you can say what the f*ck you like. It is carte blanche, which is French for “white map.” It is white map. It is white map to say whatever you want. I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. You can say what you like. I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. But your mom gives terrible blow jobs.

[laughter]

Is that too much already? All right. We’ll bring it back a bit. I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. Your mom gives great blow jobs. You know, when people get offended at one of my shows, I think, “What the f*ck did you think was gonna happen? I mean, really, you come to a tumbledown shit pit like this”– I’m not judging. I’m just being honest. “You come– “you come to a beautiful theater like this, “stinking of weed, “to see a creepy foreigner that used to tell dirty jokes “in the middle of the night on free TV. What the f*ck did you think was gonna happen?”

[cheers and applause]

See, I think– I used to think that everybody came to a comedy show for a laugh, and most people do, I think, but there are some, there’s always some in every show that are here for something better than a laugh. They’re about here tonight, I think. They’re here for something better, not for comedy, for something ever more fun– the exquisite pleasure of righteous indignation.

[laughter]

Yes, that’s not funny to me, because I’m morally superior to you. But let me put it to you, if everyone around you is laughing and you are not laughing, perhaps you are not morally superior. Perhaps you’re just a miserable shit. Not judging. It’s not that you’re not allowed to be offended. Of course you are. You must talk about what offends you. That’s what I do. I talk about what offends me. It’s just that whatever, you know, seems to offend most people doesn’t seem to bother me at all. I’m not offended by, you know, what you believe. I don’t give a shit what your belief system is. I mean, you’re wrong, but I’m not offended by it. I’m not offended if you think that magic underpants are gonna put God in a good mood. Good for you. I’m not offended if you think the magic Scientology machine will make you not gay. Good for you. Here’s one. I’m not offended if you think the biscuit turns into Jesus.

[laughter]

Ooh, remember how excited you were about how offended you were gonna be? Wait a minute. No, of course the biscuit turns into Jesus.

[laughter]

Can I ask, when does the biscuit turn into Jesus? Is it on the way to your mouth or does your saliva activate the biscuit, turning it into Jesus? For example, could you go to a supermarket, open up a packet of biscuits, and go… [chomps] Jesus? Not judging. No, none of that offends me. I’m not offended by your belief system. Believe what you want. I don’t care. You know what offends me is those bastards that walk around with shoes that look like feet. F*ck those people! Oh, my shoes look like feet. Look at that! Oh-ho! My shoes, they look like– It’s like walking around in your bare feet. Oh, that’s amazing. That must be amazing. What does that feel like? You want to impress me, you have feet that look like shoes.

[laughter]

That’s a way to look smart and save money at the same time. Oh, my shoes look like feet. You know the people I’m talking about. The bastards that play Hacky Sack. Hey, hey, hey! That’s another thing that offends me–Hacky Sack. That is not a sport. That is not an activity. It’s stoner foot juggling. My shoes look like feet. Actually, I want to tell you something. I’ll get on with the show in a minute. I, um… I’ll be fine. It’ll all cut together. I was in Scotland recently, and I was in a toy store with one of my kids. I wasn’t just hanging around in a toy store. [laughs] Hey, how you doing? Like my shoes? They look like feet, don’t they?

[laughter]

I kind of creeped myself out there a little bit. No, I was in a toy store with one of my kids, and I saw that–in Scotland– and I saw that they have Hacky Sack in Scotland now, but they’ve changed the name of it to make it sound more Scottish to market it to a Scottish audience. So it’s not called Hacky Sack. It’s called, and I’m not kidding, footbag.

[laughter]

Footbag! They have sucked all the joy and frivolity out of the activity and made it sound like an unpleasant medical procedure. I’m afraid you’re gonna have to have a footbag, Mr. Ferguson. Footbag. Come on, let’s play footbag with the amputated scrotum of an Englishman. Ah, footbag.

[laughter and applause]

[laughs] Anyway, what I’m saying is I don’t like the people with the shoes that look like feet. I don’t like that. You know the people I’m talking about? The people that have got prescriptions for medical marijuana, but they don’t really need it. It’s like, “Yeah, it’s for my anxiety.” “I get really anxious if I’m not high.” You know what? I don’t want to even smoke marijuana anymore. I haven’t smoke marijuana in over 20 years, but at least when I did, it was illegal. You f*cking pussies! You don’t have the decency to buy your recreational drugs from a dangerous criminal in a truck stop bathroom. F*ck you people! Oh, my shoes look like feet. Ah, ah, ah. I don’t like that whole “things are like other things” way of life. I don’t like it. You know, it’s like, my shoes look like feet. Oh, this tofu tastes like bacon. No, it doesn’t! No, it doesn’t! It tastes like feet. My shoes look like feet. This tofu tastes like bacon. This melon feels like a vagina. Actually, that–that is true. [laughs] Perhaps I’ve said too much. What can I tell you? I was young. I was in love. It was Paris. It was springtime. Melons were in season. We saw each other over the produce counter. Here’s a tip, by the way, if you are going to try the melon-vagina experiment. Please, allow the melon to reach room temperature first.

[laughter]

Don’t just go straight to the refrigerator and get busy. Don’t! Go out, see a movie or something. Get to know each other. Don’t just go at it with a freezing-cold melon. I think that’s what happened to Christopher Walken.

[laughter]

You know somebody’s gonna be angry now. People get very angry usually when you talk about having sex with fruit. Oh, come on, Craig, that’s disgusting. It’s not even comedy. It’s just disgusting. Yes. Yes, it is. If you are doing it correctly. It’s not even comedy. My father used to say the same thing about music I liked when I was a kid. He was like, “That’s not even music, son. That’s just a noise.” I’d be like, “That’s what f*cking music is, Dad. It’s a noise. “Oh, that’s not even music. It’s a noise.” ‘Cause I used to–’cause I loved punk rock when I was a kid. We all did. It was like…

♪ F*ck you to the queen ♪
♪ F*ck you to the queen, f*ck you to the… ♪
♪ F*ck you to the queen ♪
♪ The queen, ah, ah, ah, queen ♪

We were very angry at the queen…

[laughter]

Which I think must have confused the queen a great deal at the time. She’d be like, “What the f*ck? Why is everybody angry at me all of a sudden?” This is the queen walking her dog. Painting a word picture. No, we were very angry at the queen. I can’t remember why. We were young and therefore stupid. That’s right, young people, I called you stupid. Tell me how offended you are on Instagram.

[laughter]

That’s how you little f*ckers deal with confrontation now, isn’t it? “Oh, yeah? Well, guess what. “I’ve got some things to say to you, and this is gonna be bad. Aah!” Send. Anyway, my dad used to hate the music, ’cause I loved punk rock, and my dad hated it. He was like, “That’s not even music, son. It’s just a noise.” I’d be like, “Dad, that’s what music is. It’s a noise.” For example, I don’t particularly enjoy the saxophone stylings of Kenny G, all right? I understand this is risky material. Stay with me. I don’t–I don’t care for Kenny G. I’m not into it. I don’t like all that…

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

[laughter]

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

But I admit, it’s music. It’s just music that I don’t want to hear. And it’s very difficult to avoid. It’s f*cking everywhere. It’s in the hotel lobbies. It’s in the elevators. It’s the hold music for the hard-core gay chat lines. It’s everywhere! What do you want? Melons, please. Hold on.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪

You know, I didn’t know that Kenny G was a real person for the longest time. I thought it was just a computer program that helped you relax… ’cause it’s been proven by science. It’s been proven that the sound of Kenny G, that..

♪ Fadoodle doodle ♪

That physically has an effect on you. That physically relaxes your muscles.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪
♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

Feel what’s happening in your buttocks right now.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪
♪ Do do do-do do ♪

If I keep doing this, you’ll shit yourself. [humming] Some of you may be ahead of the curve, I don’t know.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

I didn’t think Kenny G was a real person until I met him. Shut up, Craig. You did not. You f*cking shut up. I did. I did. There was a big Hollywood party, and there was some kind of a mix-up, ’cause I was invited. So I went, and… Kenny G was the entertainment. But it was the most amazing, like, type of performance I’d ever seen in my life. It wasn’t like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny G,” and he came down the stairs.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪

He didn’t do that. He was just walking around the party fadoodling. Like… ♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪ ♪ Fadoodle do ♪ You’d be talking to someone, and he would be like, “I think I can hear Kenny– Oh, Kenny G!”

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

He was like Mr. Tumnus with his little hooves and his flute.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

It was the most amazing style of performance I’d ever seen in my life. It was like he was there, but he was not there. Like he was in the room, but he wasn’t in the room. It was like you had to believe in him, or your couldn’t see him!

[laughter]

And then I figured out what the G stands for. God. That’s right. His full name is Kenneth God. That’s right. After you die, that’s what you hear.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

For eternity. See, that’s what proves that all artistic criticism is subjective and has no factual value, because for people who love Kenny G, that’d be Heaven. For people who hate Kenny G, it’d be hell. You know, for example, if I die and I hear…

♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪

I’ll be like, “Oh, shit. I totally misread that.” But people who love Kenny G, they’d be like…

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪

“Oh, it’s all been worth it.”

♪ Fadoodle do ♪

“And the biscuit does turn into Jesus?”

♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪

Some people love– You know who loves Kenny G… I was like, “That’s weird.” And then, “No, it kind of makes sense.” Is Bill Clinton loves Kenny G. But–No, he does, but it makes sense, ’cause you think, well, Bill Clinton’s a saxophone player and Kenny G’s a saxophone player, and then, of course, the seductive properties of the saxophone. You know, like… [imitating Bill Clinton]

♪ Fadoodle do ♪
♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪
♪ Fadoodle, mm, uh ♪

[laughs]

“Baby, I can play your cooter like Kenny plays the tooter. Mm-hmm.”

♪ Fadoodle, mm, uh ♪
♪ Fadoodle, mm ♪

[laughter]

I fully understand that 50% of the men in this room have no f*cking idea what I’m doing right now. Like, “What the hell is he doing that fadoodling? That some kind of European shit? What is that? Fadoodle doodling.” Of course, the real tragedy is about 10% of the women have no idea what I’m doing either. “What is he doing? “Why do I like that so much? I just shit myself.”

[laughter]

No, anyway, what I’m saying is Kenny G’s performance– [laughs] Made myself laugh. That’s good. Kenny G’s performance was amazing. It was like he was there, but he was not there. I’d never seen anything like it. I think Kenny G could have sex with you and you wouldn’t even know. Am I moving too fast for you, son? I’m one guy. Oh, Jesus, it’s a middle-aged white guy moving slowly from side to side. You would be the worst prisoner of war guard ever. [German accent] Vhere did zey go? I don’t know. Zey were moving.

[laughter]

[normal voice] What I’m saying is Kenny G could have sex with you and you wouldn’t even know Kenny G. He’s that good. You’re just standing and talking to someone at the party, like, “Mm-hmm, yes.” Then it’s like… “I think I’ve just been surprise finger-banged.” And you turn around, and Kenny’d be walking away.

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪
♪ Fadoodle do-do-do ♪

[laughter]

Oh, is that the edge? Have we found the edge, New York? No, Craig! No, please! Don’t pretend to smell a pretend smell off your finger!

[laughter]

[sniffs]

[cheers and applause]

[sniffs] Melon. Anyway, much as I hate the music of Kenny G, and I do, I much prefer it to the shit that kids are listening to now, all that kind of…

♪ Whoa oh oh ♪
♪ Ooh ahh ahh ♪
♪ The lights… ♪
♪ There’s lights ♪
♪ Lights ♪
♪ The lights ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

What the f*ck is that? That’s not music. That’s just a noise. And then this, the dancing, the…

♪ Ah ah-ah ah ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ah ♪ The twerking, the… ♪ Ah ah-ah-ah ♪

That’s not a dance. That’s not erotic. That’s like when the dog has worms, and he’s trying to wipe his ass on the carpet.

♪ Ah ah-ah-ah ♪

What’s wrong with Miley? The poor kid’s got worms, wiping her ass on the carpet. I don’t like the way the dog holds eye contact when he’s doing that. Ah. Oh. Yeah, rou rike rat, don’t you? Now, look, I am fully aware that attacking the music of young people makes me an old geezer. And it’s true. I f*cking am. I’m 52 years old. 52.

[cheers and applause]

Stop! Don’t. Don’t. Do not. That is very rude. When somebody says their age, you go, “Oh, 52, still alive. “Look at you walking around. Did he shit his pants?” Only a little bit.

[laughter]

I’m a member of the AARP. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be. They just make you a member. You turn 50, you are in. I’m like, “No, no, thanks. I don’t want to be.” They’re like, “Yeah, you’re in. Come on. Come on.” Actually, it starts when you’re 49 1/2. You come out in the mornings, and you see on your driveway little tennis ball marks. They’ve been there during the night. [groaning] Soon. One of us. One of us.

[laughter]

Nothing against the AARP. They’re a fine organization. They do a lot of good work for charity. I just don’t want to be in your club. I don’t want to be in anybody’s club. I particularly don’t want to be in your club when the only requirement for membership is starting to look like your own scrotum. Did you ever see me in that late-night show and go, “I wonder what his balls look like”? This. Maybe a bit down on that side, but for the most part… It’s true. For my next driver’s license photograph, I can just stick a camera down my pants, photograph my scrotum, and put it on the license. And then when the cops pull me over, they’ll be like, “Hey, wait a minute. This was taken a while ago, wasn’t it?”

[laughter]

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, I’m like, “Why are my balls wearing a tie? Oh, no.”

[laughter]

I have to shave like I shave down there now… very carefully. I have to spread the skin and go like that and spread the skin and go like that. Do not judge me! I have to shave there because of all the gray hair. If I don’t, it looks like two prunes lost in the fog.

[laughter]

Actually, maybe not. Maybe it looks like one little prune is lost, and a big prune is helping him through the fog. [laughs] I’m scared, mister. I’ll get you there, son. Don’t worry. Anyway, I’ve thought of a way of combating the aging process. It’s a fantastic idea. I’m surprised no one’s thought of it before. I’m gonna get a great deal of plastic surgery. (audience) No! Yes. Yes, I am. I’m gonna get it. People usually get very angry. “No! We don’t really mean it. We think you should.” People usually get very angry when you say you’re gonna get plastic surgery. They’re like, “Oh, come on, Craig. “How can you be so vain? How can you be so vain to get plastic surgery?” I’m like, “I’m not vain. I just want to look good.” You don’t go up to somebody who’s had a haircut and go, “How can you get your hair cut? You’re so vain. “Did you buy new pants? You are so vain. I can’t believe you.” Actually, that’s not true. I get a bit of that when I go back to Scotland. They’re like, “Oh, aye, here he comes now– Mr. 36 Teeth.”

[laughter]

Everybody wants to look good. The only people that genuinely don’t give a shit about how they look are, paradoxically, nudists.

[laughter]

Which is weird, but they don’t. They’re like, “Ah, f*ck it, let’s play volleyball. “Ha ha! Yeah! Come on, let’s grill some sausages.” I went to a nude beach once in Portugal. It was fan– Well, I went– I was 23 years old. I was on vacation in Portugal, and I saw this sign for a nude beach that said “nude beach” in Portuguese, but I read Portuguese, so… (man) Yay! Thanks. Thanks, gullible stoner in the second row.

[laughter]

Yeah, I’m high, and I’m also Portuguese. Really? Well, you’ll know what the sign said, then. It said, “nudo beacho.” Are you also a nudist? – No. – Oh, okay. ‘Cause I just like the idea of you sitting there as a Portuguese nudist, and I said, “Everybody’s gonna be offended.” And you thought to yourself, “Not me, my friend.” Anyway, I went to this nude beach, ’cause I thought it’d be fantastic. I thought, well, it’ll be full of beautiful, young Portuguese and Spanish and French women all saying, “Craig, help us put suntan lotion on. Use your thumb, Craig. Do anything.” But there are no beautiful, young people on the naked beaches of Europe. Save your vacation dollar. There’s only Germans…

[laughter]

Overweight Germans of indeterminate gender. You can’t tell–Even when the volleyball starts, you’re like, “Oh, oh, nope. Could go either way. I don’t know.” Germans walking up and down… [German accent] “Mm, I love to feel the sun on my pleasure organs.”

[laughter]

“Oh, look, a shell.” [normal voice] There’s your first-row ticket price right there, lady. You know, people say to me, “Craig, why do you always use a German accent to imply sexual perversion?” Well, there’s two reasons, really. One, come on, and… Nah, it’s a ridiculous stereotype. I know it is, but it’s just because of something that happened to me at a pivotal age. I was, like– Actually, it’s a New York story. It’s the first time– I met a German person the first time I came to New York as an adult. It was 1983, and it was the first time I had come here unsupervised. 1983, a flight from Glasgow to Newark, New Jersey. And there I took a bus. I didn’t have much money. Took a bus from Newark right into 42nd Street Port Authority Bus Station. And I was so excited. It was fantastic. It was like, “Oh, I’m so happy to be in…

♪ New York ♪
♪ New York, New York ♪
♪ Who will be my friend? ♪
♪ This is so exciting ♪

r outfit and everything. Now, this is Manhattan in 1983. Now it’s different. Now it’s like f*cking Disneyland. You guys will all be fine tonight. You’ll be able to get home. Nobody’ll kill ya, maybe, but… [mumbles] Nobody’s looking at any danger on the way home, but in 1983, it wasn’t like Disneyland around here. It was like f*cking Game of Thrones out there.

[laughter and applause]

It’s very different. Ah! Ha ha! It was wild, and I got out– I was 19. I got out at Port Authority Bus Station, I was out, and it was, like, 42nd Street 1983 all the way down one side, all the way down the other side, peep shows. That’s all there were, peep shows. I didn’t know what they were, ’cause we didn’t have peep shows in Scotland. It’s illegal to even think about peeping. I didn’t know what they were. I thought they might be something dirty, because they had this, you know, the kind of silhouette of the lady outside, like that. I thought, “Ooh, it’s either something dirty, “or it’s where truckers go to get their mud flaps. Either way, I’m in.” So I thought, “I’ll go to this peep show.” So I run up to the first peep show, and there’s a guy sitting on a stool outside of it. He’s got one arm, and his sleeve is taped to his jacket. He’s got an eye patch and a parrot and a hook and– And he’s like, “Ah!” It was like, “Hey, mister, I want to go to the peep show.” I had the hat with the little propeller on it and everything.

[laughter]

Now, let me explain. If you don’t understand what a peep show is– Some of you are too young to understand what a peep show is. Let me explain. A peep show– before the Internet, people had to forage for their porn. Back then, perverts were hunter-gatherers, going from place to place. A peep show– it was amazing. You’re in this peep show, and you put a quarter into a slot, and a little letter box, a little kind of mail thing, mailbox thing opened up, and inside was a room, and this room was an angry, middle-aged lady in her underwear, smoking a cigarette, saying, “What the f*ck you looking at?” Then is slipped down again. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever seen in my life! I, like, put all my money in. [groaning] Anyway, that’s not the German thing. What happened was I was– I was in there, and I ran out of quarters, and I thought, “I’m gonna have to make friends here. I can’t stay here all day, much as I want to.” So I started to panic, ’cause I thought, “I don’t know how to make friends in this town.” Then I thought, “Well, do what you would do in Glasgow. “Glasgow’s a working-class town. I’m a working-class man. “What would you do in Glasgow to meet people? I’d go to a workingman’s bar.” So I looked down 42nd Street in 1983 for a workingman’s bar, and I see one. I can tell it’s a workingman’s bar, cops are going in there. Construction workers are going in there. Some Native Americans are going in there. I didn’t even know there were tribes left in Manhattan. This is great. And I went in this bar. It was very dark, and it was all guys. I thought, “Well, where are the women at?” And then I looked over, and all the women were over there. I said, “Good evening, ladies.” They’re like… [deep voice] “Hey, what’s up?” And then– I was like, “Oh, it’s a gay bar. “All right, well, okay, “I’ll just finish my drink, which I’m about to order, and then I’ll leave.” I was wearing my sailor outfit. I looked great. I was sitting up at the bar, and this guy came up to me, and he said… [German accent] “Hello.” I said, “Hello.” He said, “I am German.” I said, “I know. I can tell from your hat.” ‘Cause he was wearing, and I’m not kidding, a leather hat with a spike coming out of it. I was like, “Too soon, girl.”

[laughter]

So he said, “Can I ask you something?” And I said, “Sure,” and then he said the dirtiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, before or since. Now, don’t get mad at me, ’cause this is what he actually said, right? I’m just reporting. He said–he said, and I quote, “Can I ask you something?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Can I kiss you where it stinks, und I don’t mean Cleveland.” And I was like… “What? Who’s Cleveland?” Anyway, he’s a lovely man. We still keep in touch, but that’s why– Christmas cards and stuff. That’s why I think of the German thing. That’s not the point. I was talking about plastic surgery. And I’m gonna get a lot of it. Now, the thing is, about plastic surgery is, you have to get good plastic surgery, ’cause if you get bad plastic surgery, you look like the dog with his head out the car window. You have to have good plastic surgery. Now, I live in Los Angeles, which has a lot of plastic surgeons, but not very many of them are any good, and these guys– There’s only about four of them, I think, that are any good. And they’re not just doctors. They’re like sculptors. They have a style. They have a look. So what happens is that people start looking similar. People start looking related. I’m telling you, you go to Beverly Hills at any time of the day, it looks like there’s only four families that live there. And people start looking related from different ethnic groups. They look like they could– I mean, it’s amazing. I’m like, “Wow.” I’ve seen this with my own eyes. Cher and Bruce Jenner could be sisters.

[audience groans]

Anyway, I thought it was just a Hollywood rumor, ’cause I hear all these Hollywood rumors, and they’re usually bullshit, you know. I mean, ’cause I meet these people, and I go, “Oh, that’s bullshit.” Like, the rumor that I’d heard for years– For years, I’d heard the rumor about Richard Gere, the actor, Richard Gere. Did you ever hear that rumor? I mean, this predates the Internet, this rumor. Yeah, I think it was a German guy in a bar in New York told me this. For years, this rumor was going around that apparently, for sexual pleasure, Richard Gere put a gerbil or a hamster in his ass, you know, for sex– for his sexual pleasure, not the–I don’t think the rodent gets anything out of it. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[applause]

No. No, this is the rumor that apparently the actor Richard Gere would put this stuff– And I never questioned it. I just went, “Oh, I didn’t know that. Oh, gosh, people are so strange, aren’t they?” And then I meet the actor Richard Gere, and it’s in my f*cking head when I’m shaking the man’s hand. I’m thinking, “I wonder if he has a rodent– No! Of course he doesn’t have a rodent in his ass!” I’m talking to this guy. I don’t even think he has a pet.

[laughter]

At least I didn’t see one. Come to think of it, I might have heard… [high-pitched voice] “Help me. Send cheese.” I’ll tell you what does happen in Hollywood, if you’re there for any length of time, though. What happened to me– a very strange thing, is that you will eventually meet someone who was a hero to you when you were a child, and that is very, very strange. Now, it happened to me just very early on. I’d only been there about 18 months, and I was working on The Drew Carey Show. You guys remember The Drew Carey Show?

[cheers and applause]

Right. The Drew Carey Show, if you remember, it was basically– you know, most of the time it was just Drew and Kathy Kinney, the actress who played Mimi, and they would, you know, fight each other, and I played the English boss, Mr. Wick. And I’d come in and go, “Carey, you’re fired,” once a week, and then– then I’d go to my trailer and play with fruit…

[laughter]

For a week. So I was bored. They were nice people, but I was bored. So what I did in order to pass the time– We made The Drew Carey Show on the Warner Brothers Studio lot, which is a huge studio lot. They make everything there. You know, movies and TV shows, everything. So what I did was I started reading the screenplays, the scripts to movies that were in production at the time. You know, just to pass the time. This is about 18 years ago. And it was a very interesting point, I read a screenplay to a movie called Twister. You guys remember that movie Twister, about the tornado and the cows, like, “Ooh, tornado”? Well, it was very interesting ’cause the script was rubbish, but the movie was shit.

[laughter]

So I thought, “Well, that’s what I’ll do to pass the time. “I’ll write screenplays. “I don’t know if I can write any better than this “but it’s scientifically impossible to write anything worse.”

So I wrote some screenplays, and they did okay, and we made them into movies, and one of the movies did really well, And this is where you meet your hero thing. There was a movie I did called Saving Grace, and it did very well. Good movie, did well, we won the Sundance Film Festival. It made a little money. And after it had been in the theaters for about a month, I got a phone call from a lovely upper-class Englishwoman, who said, “Hello, my name’s Victoria.” And I was like, ooh, half chub.

[laughter]

I’ve always had a thing for upper-class Englishwomen They really do it for me. I always enjoy doing to them what their ancestors did to my ancestors… but with more kissing. So this lovely woman said, “Hello, my name’s Victoria. I loved your film Saving Grace.” It was like, “Thank you very much.” She said, “Yes, I run Mick Jagger‘s film company.” Mick Jagger! Yes, it’s true. Mick Jagger, my hero when I was a kid. I had an 8-foot poster of Mick Jagger on my bedroom wall for years, you know, the one where he’s like… Mick Jagger! It was like, “What?” She said, “Yes, Mick loved your film too.” I was like, “Oh, that’s great.” She went, “Yes. “Actually, Mick’s had an idea for a movie, “and he thinks you might be the right person “to write the screenplay. He was wondering, may he call you?” I said… “Yes. Yes, he may call me.” So– This is all true, I swear. So we set the time up, and a couple days later, I’m waiting by the phone. I’m nervous, and I’m kind of– And Mick Jagger called me himself. And that’s not easy for him to do with the little hands, but he did it. And I tried to break the ice with a joke. It was a stupid thing to say, but I said, “Hello, Mick. Victoria tells me you’re a singer.”

[laughter]

And he kind of went… [groans] I was like, “Oh, I’m blowing it already.” And then he said, “All right, well, I’ve had an idea for a film.” I was like, “Oh, what?” And he went, “Well, here’s my idea, all right?” I was like, “Okay.” “Right.” I think he was doing that. I could sort of hear it. He went, “Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a film, here it is. “What it is, is it’s about a rock star “and a roadie. “And what happens is, for some reason, “they have to swap places, and then they have an adventure.” I was like, “Go on.” And he did. He went on, and he described the story, which as I was listening to it, I realized that he was saying beat for beat, almost word for word, the story of The Prince and the Pauper, written by Mark Twain about 150 years previously. What the f*ck am I gonna say? It’s Mick Jagger, my childhood hero. What am I gonna say? Look, if Sean Connery calls me up and says, “Craig, I’ve got an idea for a film. “It’s called Treasure Island. “It’s about a pirate called Long Sean Connery. He’s got a parrot and shit.” I’d be like, “Great idea, Sean Connery. How did you come up with that?” “Well, I was just watching a movie, and it came to me.” Anyway, so Mick Jagger– This is true. Mick Jagger’s talking about his movie idea, and I pitch a couple of ideas in. And he says–I’m not kidding. This really happened. He goes, “Actually, I think you are the right person “to write the screenplay. “Can you meet me next Wednesday and we’ll get started? “You know, we’ll spitball and get ideas going and stuff and get going.” I was like, “Yes.” He went, “All right. Victoria will set it up,” and he hangs up. Now, this is about 17 years ago. It’s not easy for him to do that either. And it’s about 17 years ago, and The Rolling Stones at the time are on the Bridges to Babylon tour. It’s a big, giant world tour. They’re going all over the place, and I find out, next Wednesday they’re gonna be in Istanbul, Turkey. I can’t go to Istanbul, Turkey. I’ve got to walk onstage in Burbank and say, “Carey, you’re fired,” and then go f*ck a melon. I’ve got a job!

[laughter]

But I go to see Drew, because Drew Carey was my boss then. He’s my friend now. We’ve been friends for 20 years. He’s a beautiful human being. I love Drew very, very much indeed. To be honest, I preferred it when he was fat and unhappy, but what are you gonna do? So… anyway, I go and see Drew, and Drew’s great. And I tell him about Mick Jagger, and he’s like, “F*ck, are you kidding me, man? “Take the week off. Go to Istanbul, Turkey. Meet Mick Jagger.” I’m like, “Right, buddy, I will.” And just as I’m leaving–and you can check on the Internet to prove it’s true– Joe Walsh, the guitarist with The Eagles, was doing some comedy bits on The Drew Carey Show at the time. And Joe Walsh is an amazing rock star. He’s a fantastic guitarist.

♪ Hotel California ♪

[hums] He’s an amazing guy, charming gentleman, lovely person, but he had a very big 1980s.

[laughter]

And the whole period has left him a little bit “Jim from Taxi.”

[laughter]

So Joe hears that I’m gonna meet Mick Jagger, and he says, “Say hi to Mick for me.” I said, “Do you know him?” He said, “I think so.” I was like, “You think so?” He said, “I think I partied with him in the ’80s, but I may just have seen him on TV.” I was like, “All right, whatever.” So I head off to Istanbul, Turkey. It’s a very long way from Los Angeles, Istanbul. First, a 12-hour flight to London, and I’m sitting in coach– it was a long flight. It was bumpy, and the kid’s behind me, “Aah.” And I was all tweaked and nervous. The it’s a 4-hour layover in Heathrow in London. Very difficult to change planes in London because the English are f*cking bastards! And then I get on a smaller plane, a smaller plane to go to Istanbul. It’s another four hours. And the kid’s behind me, and it’s turbulent, and the chickens are falling out of the overhead luggage. Then I get to– I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m tweaked, and I’m nervous, and I’m all kind of– And I get to Istanbul at night, and I come out of the airport, and it’s unbelievable, it’s amazing. The minarets and the towers and the… [chanting] ‘Cause The Lion King was in Istanbul at the time. And I jump in a cab, and the taxi driver says, [Transylvanian accent] “Where do you want to go?” [normal voice] Because Dracula was driving a cab!

[laughter]

[Transylvanian accent] I want to take you to your destination. [laughs] [normal voice] And I said, “Take me to”– The Rolling Stones were staying, and I’m not kidding– They were staying at the Istanbul Hilton. The good one, not the one by the airport. So… This is all true. So I get to the Istanbul Hilton. I tipped Dracula. He’s like, “Thank you.” And then I go into the reception of the hotel, and Big Jim Sullivan, head of Rolling Stones’ security at the time, lovely, big cockney gent, he’s like, “You the bloke who’s here to see Mick?” I went, “Yeah.” He went, “Yeah, he’s waiting for you. “He’s in the penthouse suite. Go into the elevator, press PH, and it’ll take you up to the penthouse suite.” I was like, “All right, all right.” So I get in the elevator, and I press PH, and the doors close. And I’m like,

♪ Fadoodle doodle do do do ♪
♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪

[sniffs]

♪ Fadoodle do ♪

And the doors open, and I’m on the penthouse floor, and I knock on the door to the penthouse suite, and the door is answered by Mick Jagger himself. And that’s not easy for him to do with the little hands, but he did it. And my world went into freefall. I was like, “Wha– Wha–” Because in my bedroom and in my mind, the guy’s 8 foot tall. He’s a huge giant– 8 foot, ah, like that. I never questioned it. I never thought– I thought he would be at least this height. He’s not. He’s a tiny, little man. Tiny! So I was like, “Aah!” I was like, “Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything! “Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything! Don’t say anything!” And then I said something. I shouldn’t have said it. I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t help myself. I said it. I wish I hadn’t said it. But I said, “Oh, you’re adorable.”

[laughter]

And he went, “Yeah, come in. Come on.” So I go into the penthouse suite of the Istanbul Hilton– I swear this is true–and I start talking to Mick Jagger about the movie we’re gonna make together. I’m thinking, “This is really happening. I didn’t take acid. It’s really happening.” And we talked for a little while, and then it got a little awkward, because he said, “Actually, I’m a little bit hungry. Are you hungry, Craig?” I was like, “Yes, I am hungry, Mick Jagger.” He was like, “All right, I’ll call room service, which is not easy for me to do with my little hands.” [laughs] I’m such a dick. I’m sorry. So, you know, he calls room service. Now, the room service guy’s got the little panel in front of him, and the room service guy knows who it is calling. I can hear him freaking out. He’s like… [Indian accent] “Oh, my God, I am so totally freaking out right now.” [normal voice] Now, to be fair, he was an Indian guy that had moved to Istanbul with his boyfriend, Dracula, and they were trying to make their way– Look, it’s a different story for a different night. So Mick’s on the phone, and it got really awkward, ’cause he’s looking at the room service menu, and he said, “Yeah, I’d like to order a”– This is what he said. He said, “I’d like to order a quesa-dilla, please.” And I was like, “Ah–“

[laughter]

“Would you like a quesa-dilla, Craig?” I was like, “Quesa-dilla sounds lovely, Mick, thank you.” “All right, two quesa-dillas and a chocolate Yoo-hoo? “Two chocolate Yoo-hoos and a Butterfinger? Oh, just one Butterfinger. All right, we can share.” And he hung up, which is not easy. And then 20 minutes later, the entire staff of the hotel and Dracula came in with the room-service order. They laid it out, and Mick was very nice. He did the photographs and the autographs with them and all that, and they went away, and then I had my quesa-dilla, ’cause that’s what I call them now. I had my– Mick had his. [chomping]

[laughter]

[chomping] Like that. Like something out of Richard Gere’s ass! [chomps] No, that’s too much. It wasn’t like that at all. I’m sorry I said that. That’s too–Forget that. We’ll cut that out. So… [laughs] So, anyway, we’re having our quesa-dillas, and then we continue to talk about the idea that Mick had that Mark Twain had 150 years before him. And then– and this really happened. After a few hours, he goes, “Oh, we’ll have to stop now.” And I was like, “All right.” And he went, “No, it’s just that I have to go to a party.” I was like, “Okay.” And then he said, “Do you want to come?” And I said, “Yes, Mick Jagger of The f*cking Rolling Stones”…

[laughter]

“I will go to a party with you.” He went, “All right, then, come on!” So we get in his car, and we drive to the party, Well, someone drives us. Mick can’t drive, you know, with the little hands. So we get to the party. And the party is being held at, I’m not kidding, the British Consulate in Istanbul, The British Embassy in Istanbul, and they’re throwing a reception for The Rolling Stones, ’cause they’re proud of them. And the British Embassy, of course, is guarded by the British Army. And the British Army is the same as any other army in the world. The U.S. Army, French, German, every army in the world shares one rule, which is nobody f*cking tells anybody anything ever, particularly if it would avoid embarrassment. So the soldiers have been told that someone famous is coming to a party. They have not been told who it is. So we get to the party, and I get out of the car first. And the first person to see us is a big staff sergeant from Glasgow in Scotland, and he recognizes me from local television.

[cheers and applause]

Swear to God. And he says–he says, “Bloody hell. Craig Ferguson, what are you doing here?” And Mick Jagger is standing right f*cking there. And here’s the thing… Mick did not handle it well. He was like, “What’s going on? That is so rude.” And I can understand. I mean, he’s not used to that kind of thing. He’s always the most famous guy in the room, always. If Mick Jagger walks into a bar with the Pope, the bartender would be like, “Hello, Mick. Who’s your friend with the big hat?” He’s always the most famous guy. That band became famous in 1962, the year I was born, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! Actually, that’s probably where he got that, “Ahh.” So he was really mad. He was like, “That is so rude. I’m so annoyed.”

[laughter]

I was like, “Let it go, man.” He was like, “I will not let it go.” “I will not let it go.” He started Riverdancing. “I will not let it go.” 98% of this story is true. No, he wouldn’t let it go. He was really annoyed. And then I said something I really shouldn’t have said. I was like, “Oh, let it go, man.” He was like, “No, I will not let it go.” I was like, “Stop being such a f*cking queen.” Anyway, we didn’t make the movie.

[laughter] But that’s not–I’m kind of painting it like he’s a dick. And he’s not a dick. He’s fine. He’s all right. We actually tried to make the movie for a while. We tried for about a year. I was, you know, working in Burbank, and then I was on tour with The Rolling Stones. It was very strange. And, you know, I would write pages of the script, and I’d give ’em to Mick, and he would read them, and he would always give me them back, and he would always have the same note, which is, “Can it be darker? It has to be darker, you know, more edgy, dark, more edgy.” And I’d try and make it darker and more edgy and give it back to him, and he’d go, “No, darker, more edgy.” I’m like, “How dark and edgy can it be, man? It’s the f*cking Prince and the Pauper.” He was like, “No, darker, more edgy. And I’m typing, and darker, more edgy. Eventually I went to the Mark Twain story, just started typing the f*cker out, you know. This guy’s a better writer than anyone else, anyway. Let’s do this. But he kept saying it– “Darker, more edgy. Darker, more edgy.” So eventually I went too far. I made his character a serial killer with Tourette’s syndrome.

[laughter]

And he fired me. But even as he’s firing me, I’m thinking, “Getting fired by Mick Jagger… I’m on my way.” But here’s the thing. [applause] Because I was with them for about a year, I got to know how that band works pretty well, and I was surprised by what I found out, ’cause I was– Like everybody else, I think, I thought The Rolling Stones was, you know, it was Mick Jagger and Keith Richards’ band, or maybe it was Mick Jagger’s band, but it’s not. It’s Keith Richards’ band. Keith Richards runs that shit. Mick Jagger is the singer in Keith Richards’ band. People think Keith Richards is some out-of-control junkie. And there’s an element of truth to that, but… But he’s tough, Keith Richards, as well. He’s a very tough guy. He’s south London. He’s like, “What the f*ck? I’ll f*ck you up, all right?” [mumbles] “F*ck you, man.” He’s f*cking tough. He’s like Jason Statham in drag or something. He’s like, “F*cking–” He’s tough, and people are scared of him. And and he runs that outfit. You can check. This is true. This happened when I was there. Keith Richards put Ronnie Wood into rehab. He made Ronnie go into rehab. How bad is your problem, though, if you have to walk into a rehab center and say, “Keith Richards thinks I might be an alcoholic.” Keith Richards said this? “Yeah, he also thinks I do too much heroin.” Keith Richards said this? Quick, get in here, man. But they’re frightened of him. Everyone’s frightened of Keith ’cause he’s so tough. And I found this out, ’cause I was asking Mick– What I wanted to do when I was writing this screenplay is I wanted to get on the stage with The Rolling Stones one night. I was just gonna stand next to Charlie’s drum riser and watch the audience. I thought I could write it in if I could see it. And Mick was like, “Uh, no. No, you can’t go on the stage.” I was like, “Why not?” He was like, “Keith don’t like people on the stage, and I’m afraid of him.” I was like, “What?” He went, “Yeah, he could hurt me. “He’s very strong. And I’m afraid of him.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” So I started asking the roadies if they could sneak me onstage, and all the roadies are like, “No, we can’t sneak you on the stage. No, sorry, mate. “Sorry, governor. No, Mary Poppins, we couldn’t do it. “No, we can’t get you on the stage. “No, we couldn’t do it, sir, because Keith would hurt us. “He’s very strong, you see, sir, very strong. “No, Oliver, you can’t have any more! No! He’s very, very strong. He would kill us.” Everyone who works for The Rolling Stones used to be in Monty Python, so… But eventually one night I made it happen. We were in a beautiful town in northern Spain, a town called Santiago del Compostela– beautiful town, and what I did was I bribed the local Spanish security guards to let me get on the stage. And I was up next to Charlie’s drum riser looking at the 60,000 Spanish rock fans. It was amazing. They’re like… [imitating crowd cheering] Which is how Spanish people express gratitude. They go, “Ahh,” which can be a bit disconcerting if you hold a door open for someone in Madrid, and they go, “Ahh.” Am I right, guy from Portugal? Yeah! [Transylvanian accent] You know, he’s right about, “Ahh.” So I was next to Charlie’s drum riser, and Charlie doesn’t know I’m there. To be honest, Charlie doesn’t really know he’s there. Charlie had a big 1980s as well and ’60s and ’70s and ’90s and kind of now. So Charlie’s doing his thing that he always does. He’s like…

[laughter]

♪ Gas, gas, gas ♪

He’s doing his thing, and Mick is down in the front. He’s going… [humming] And Keith’s where he always is. Keith’s doing his thing. He’s like… [grumbles] ♪ Ooh, I’ll f*ck you up ♪ [humming] And he’s smoking a cigarette, and the smoke is coming up like that. And he’s got cigarette on the machine heads of his guitar and the smoke’s coming up like that. He’s got a cigarette coming out of his boot, and the smoke’s coming out like that. He’s wearing a skull earring and the skull is smoking a cigarette. Smoke is all around him. He looks like Pigpen. He’s like… [growls] And he’s playing away, and he turns around, and, boom, he looks right at me and locks eyes, and I’m like, “Shit. I’m gonna die.” And he doesn’t break eye contact. He doesn’t stop playing, but he starts slowly moving towards me. [humming] And I can hear the roadies on their headsets going, “What the f*ck is going on? Keith is moving! “Keith is moving! Keith hasn’t moved in 40 years! What the f*ck is going on?” And he’s getting closer and closer, slowly across the stage. He’s like… [hums] He’s like a slow comet moving. And he got right up close to me, and I thought, “I’m gonna die.” And he got this close, and this is exactly what happened. He went, “Hello, mate.”

[laughter]

So I went back in time to my bedroom in Scotland when I was a little boy, I took down the poster of Mick Jagger. I put up the poster of Keith Richards, and I went, “That’s the f*cking rock star in that band.”

[cheers and applause]

It changed my Weltanschauung. Anyway, the thing that’s freaking me out about all this– Now, ’cause you really know it’s Keith’s band. I mean, I traveled around in their jet. They have a jet, but it’s– Of course they have a jet, but it’s not like a little private jet. They rent a 757 from the airlines. And you can tell it’s Keith’s band, because Keith and all his friends sit in first class, and Mick has to sit in coach. And I know that’s true, ’cause I was sitting next to him. And he likes to pretend it’s his idea. He’s like, “Yeah, I like sitting here because I can reach “the table and the seat-back in front of me… “And enjoy…” “Well, these are very good sizes, “these bottles, aren’t they? “This is a proper size. I don’t like these big, giant bottles. “They frighten me, but these bottles are just perfect for my little hands and my tiny, little mouth.”

[laughter]

What’s freaking me out is, I thought, “God, these guys are so old.” But now I am almost the age that they were when I met them. I’m like, “What the f*ck happened?” One minute it’s…

♪ F*ck the queen, f*ck you to the queen ♪

Next minute, some guy has a finger in your ass. A doctor. A doctor has his finger in your ass. I like my doctor. He’s a very good doctor. He’s only got one flaw, in that he thinks he’s funny, which is not great. I enjoy a joke as much as anyone, but there are times in life when I believe levity is inappropriate. And I believe the prostate exam is one of those times. ‘Cause he’s got a joke that he likes to do when he’s doing it. I’m like, “Don’t do that joke. It’s a horrible joke.” He’s like, “No, it’s a great joke. Everybody loves that joke.” I’m like, “Nobody likes the joke. They put up with it because you’re a great doctor.” He’s like, “Come on!” This is his joke. He gives you the prostate exam, and he says, “Say my name, bitch.” I’m like, “It’s not funny, man.” I don’t think that’s funny. And I said to him last time I got the exam, I was like, “Don’t say it, all right? It kind of freaks me out.” He’s like, “Okay, I don’t need to say it.” But I think he does need to say it. I think it’s a kind of OCD thing, ’cause he gave me the exam, and he went… [whispering] “Say my name, bitch.” I’m like, “You know what? It’s worse if you whisper it!” Anyway, it’s not the prostate exam that makes you old. It’s your attitude to it. This is what I mean. Like, the last time I got the prostate exam, he finished, and he said, “Actually, I have to say, Craig, for a man your age, you have a very smooth prostate.” And this is how I know I’m old, because I was proud. I was, like, going up to girls in the supermarket, “Hey.” “I’ve got a smooth prostate. Want to touch it?” I do have a very smooth prostate, though. It’s true, you part my butt cheeks, you’ll hear Kenny G.

[laughter] ♪ Fadoodle doodle do ♪ No, when you turn 50, it’s not a finger anymore, it’s a camera. They put a camera in your ass. I think the older you get, the more things the medical profession feels they have to shove into your ass. Like, when you get to about 80, they’re like, “We’re just gonna drive up in a little minivan, “take a look around. “Don’t worry. It’ll be perfectly painless. “It’s gonna be midgets, midgets will be inside the van, “and they’re gonna look around with binoculars, tiny, little binoculars.” No, they put a camera in your ass. I mean, it’s a tiny, little fiber-optic thing. It’s not like the old days, you know, with the… Look out, Hitler, bad news coming your way. No, it’s a tiny, tiny, little camera. Tiny, little camera. But it’s kind of like– It’s not the camera so much as the night before, because in order for them to look around your colon, they have to clean it out first. So they give you what they call the super laxative, right? Yeah. It’s not that super. This is a prescription laxative. You can’t just go and buy this laxative. You need a–And it’s not just a regular prescription either. It’s a prescription written on a parchment by a monk. It’s written with a big, feathery pen. And then he writes it, and then the prescription is delivered to the pharmacy by owl. And then the pharmacist puts on the big leather gloves and goes to the back and opens the giant circular door and the dry ice goes like that, and they take out the super laxative and they bring it towards you. I was sitting with this laxative on the kitchen table, and my wife and kids are watching me, going, “Go on, then.” “When’s daddy gonna ‘splode’?” And I took this thing, and after about 45 minutes, I was like, “Oh, shit! “F*ck. “F*ck. “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f…” “F*ck.” And then it stopped, and I thought, “Well, that wasn’t so bad. It was bad, but it wasn’t that bad.” Then at one hour, 15, I was like… [gasps] “Aah!” It was like the f*cking Matrix. I was like… Ba-boom. No! [imitates whooshing] It was like a mattress sale– Everything must go! Aah! Aah! There was haggis in there from 1974! Aah! And then everything went white, and I saw the spirit of the great buffalo coming toward me. Then I was back in it again. Aah! [imitates whoosh] And then it was over, and I felt so clean. I felt holy! And I knew then that the biscuit does turn into Jesus!

[cheers and applause]

And then I went to the doctor the next day, and they put a camera in your bumby, but it’s not– It’s an amazing piece of equipment. It’s not just a camera. It’s a little thing. They move it around, and in order for it to move around your bumby, you know, they have to puff up your colon with a little air, so it’s goes… [imitating air hissing] And they move it, and it goes… They move it… [imitating air hissing] Depending on the shape of your colon, you know. I mean, it could be… [imitating air hissing] But the thing is, when they’re finished and they take the camera out, there’s a great deal of air left in your colon. And it’s gonna come out, and there’s only one exit.

[laughter]

But here’s the thing, it’s so clean in there, you pass gas, it smells sensational. I mean, it’s like a rich lady walked into the room. It was like… [imitates flatulence] Oprah? Is Oprah here? And then because there’s a history of some cancers in my family, they had to actually knock me out and give me the throat camera first and then the bumby camera. I f*cking hope they did the throat camera first.

[laughter]

Nah, I think, legally, they have to give you the throat camera first. Otherwise you’d be like… “I taste Oprah.”

[laughter]

No, here, look, that’s… But the thing is, because they gave me this thing– I don’t want to, you know, upset anyone, and I don’t want to surprise you, but I took a lot of drugs in my life. But until this point, I had never taken legal drugs. I’d always had illegal street drugs. Legal drugs are so much better. Like, it’s not even the same game. They’re f*cking unbelievable. Respect, seniors. It’s unbelievable. They’re much better. They gave me a drug called propofol. It’s an amazing drug. It was the drug that killed poor Michael Jackson. God rest him. He got addicted to it. And, you know, I can understand. I can see how that would happen. I mean, I had it once, once, and I was like… ♪ He he ♪ And coming off–When you come off a street drug, you know, it’s kind of like being Daffy Duck in the cartoons. You’re like… [babbling] So scratchy, so scratchy. Like something out of Richard Gere’s–Never mind. Look, it’s… But coming off a legal drug is like, “Hey… how are you?” I was so high. I was in this little post-op room, and I was in there, and I remember saying this. My wife came in, and I remember saying– I was just so high, I said, “Hey, baby. It’s the summer of love.” And my wife’s from a Scottish family, so she said what a Scottish woman says when you tell her it’s the summer of love. She said, “Oh, is it?” “Will he need a footbag, Doctor?”

[laughter]

I was like, “Oh, I feel so… [imitates flatulence] “You smell that, baby? “Isn’t that beautiful? That’s the way it’s gonna be from now on.” “You’re gonna beg me for a Dutch oven now, baby.”

[laughter]

And when you are that high, like, so high, they come in and show you a movie of the inside of your ass, which is the perfect time to see a movie of the inside of your ass. I was like, “Oh, yes!” And because I got mine done in Hollywood, it was, you know, letterbox format, score by Danny Elfman, surprise cameo by Gwyneth Paltrow.

[laughter]

I was like, “Oh! “We should totally play Dark Side of the Moon “while we’re watching this. It would sync up, man. It would sync up.”

♪ In through your ass ♪

[humming Pink Floyd’s Money]

♪ It’s a gas ♪

Ha ha! Ooh, f*ck, I never told you the joke. All right, here’s the joke. The best joke in the world, apparently. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s that good a joke. You’ll decide. I don’t think it’s that great. It’s a joke which takes place on a golf course. I’ve recently started playing golf, which is unusual for a 52-year-old Scotsman. Usually, they start earlier, but it’s how I rebelled when I was a kid. They were all playing golf all the time. This is how they play it in Scotland. They played golf all the time, at home, at work, during sex. There’s no sex in Scotland. It’s a shame, because Scottish women are very attractive. At least I think they are. I’ve never seen one with her coat off.

[laughter]

Nothing here for you, Craig. Just tweed all the way down.

[laughter]

Tweed and potatoes. Tweed, potatoes, and a footbag. I kind of turned myself on a little bit there. Anyway, so it takes place on a golf course. It’s actually Scottish people in the joke. Well, look, here’s the joke. It’s on the 18th hole of a golf course. It’s a grudge match between two guys who just hate each other very– and it’s a putt for the game on the 18th hole, very tense moment. And the guy’s about to take the putt, and he looks up, and he sees a funeral procession going by. So he stops what he’s doing, takes off his hat, and says a prayer for the dearly departed. And his opponent says, “I have to say, that is one of the most beautiful and touching things I’ve ever seen.” And he says, “Well, we were married 35 years. I feel it’s only right.”

[cheers and applause]

And there you are. That’s it. The best joke in the world.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much, New York. I love you. I’ll see you next time. I’ll bring my sign. Thanks a lot. Good night, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

[bagpipe music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

(boy) Good one, Daddy!

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Bo Burnham: Inside (2021)

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) – Transcript

‘Inside’ carries satire, social commentary and honesty. It makes fun of social media, it allows time to process the more introspective points he makes, all while being incredibly visually creative.

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