Dave Chappelle: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

Listened to the video while editing your transcript and fixed many innacuracies.
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[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen — Dave Chappelle!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you all for being here.

[Cheers and applause]

Pretty incredible day.

[Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell, but, all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for ten years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read. Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut in the AME Church. It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. [Laughter] Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”

[Laughter]

[applause]

This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t.” [Laughter]

Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid. [Laughter] Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house.

[Laughter and applause]

All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something?

[Cheers and applause]

And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy. In a cornfield! [Laughter] Too noisy in a cornfield. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield. It was so embarrassing.

[Laughter] And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!” [Laughter] “No, you big dummy. The guy from television is at the grocery store.”

[Laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website? Farmersonly.com. A website that begs the question, what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers? [Laughter] That’s gross.

They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me. They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.” I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?” [Laughter and applause] Hear that twang in his voice. You know that twang where you hear that accent, like, “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” [Laughter] I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. [Moans and applause] Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe. [Laughter]

In a state like Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work. So a lot of people don’t wanna work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan. You remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, how we’re welfare people, and drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? [Laughter] Stimulus checks, the heroin. And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white niggas keep holding us back.

[Cheers and applause]

Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive. Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your nigga lessons. [Laughter] You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? There was just white people alone in the club dancing? You ever seen that old footage? How did they look? [Laughter] This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.”

[Laughter]

Now Trump is gone.

[Cheers and applause]

You know, I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, there’s bad people on both sides? [Light laughter] All right, just trying it out. [Laughter] Called the coronavirus the kung flu. I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that, not you! [Laughter] It’s wrong when you say it.

Saw him on a press conference one time. Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?” I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further. “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.” I said, oh, boy. Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr. President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr. President.”

[Laughter]

Scariest part about that – one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it. It was crazy. Her face was looking like, “He might be right.” [Laughter] I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why. That’s why women make half.” [Moans and laughter] Did I trigger you? [Laughter] I don’t know what it is. Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much. [Laughter] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. [Laughter] And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t that something? [Laughter] You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news. But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. [Laughter] It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?”

[Laughter]

[applause]

This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey. Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth. [Laughter] The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!” Which is a ridiculous thing – Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President. [Laughter]

Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. [Laughter] Right in his front yard. Helicopter came. Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him. Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people. No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona. [Laughter] Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking. [Laughter] Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital. You know, I’m from D.C. and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk. [Laughter] Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter. And then he walked right up the steps – you ever seen this video? – he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people. [Laughter] I said, 700 dollars and 50 cents in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir? [Laughter] Some cold stuff, man. That’s some cold stuff. That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.” [Laughter] And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!”

[Laughter]

[applause]

That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass was in the ICU, fighting for his life. [Laughter] Chris Christie got all the fixins. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a longtime, I’ve noticed a pattern. [Laughter]

But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person – just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. [Laughter] It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black – and they didn’t deserve it. If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community…buy him an ice cream. Just buy him some ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.

[Laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they’re mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them – Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. You got to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that — come get these nigga lessons.

Thank you very much and good night!

[Cheers and applause]