Chris Rock: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

Host Chris Rock does stand-up about Donald Trump contracting COVID-19, the pandemic and the U.S. government.
Chris Rock: SNL Monologue (2020)

Original air date: October 10, 2020

Host Chris Rock does stand-up about Donald Trump contracting COVID-19, the pandemic and the U.S. government.

 

 

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced
—James Baldwin

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Before we even get started let’s — you know, the elephant in the room. President Trump’s in the hospital from Covid and you know, I just want to say my heart goes out to Covid.

[laughter]

This is a special show, this show is quite different than every other show. There are so many — everybody in this audience has been checked and all week I’ve had things going up my nose. Every day I come in here I haven’t had so much stuff up my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris Farley.

[Laughter]

I’ve got to say, the audience, this floor right here, are first respond — what are they, first responders all the audience right here. [Cheers and applause] Everybody here they’re first responders okay they’re so good, we let people die tonight so they could see a good show. Okay

[laughter]

Now, you know, everything’s — the world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon, Covid has ruined our plans we all used to have plans before Covid. Remember we used to be able to plan stuff my sister was getting married, man. I paid Bell Biv DeVoe $80,000. And I can’t get it back. [Laughter] I had tickets to Coachella, man. I know 200,000 Americans are dead, but I’m not seeing Rage Against the Machine this year, man [laughter]. That is a travesty.

Now, one thing I’ve noticed about this whole pandemic. People are like reassessing their relationships. That’s the big thing taking inventory you know, a lot of break-ups, a lot of divorces. And a lot of like renegotiations you know couples stay together but they’re like “okay, we’re going to stay together but I’m telling you exactly what I don’t like about you right now. [Laughter] If we’re going to keep this going you’re going to have to change some stuff. Okay.” And it’s weird we’re doing that with our relationships. All of us are doing that with our relationships. But I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government you know [applause] it’s like — yeah, we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government it doesn’t work.

I mean, I think Joe Biden should be the last president ever [laughter] we need a whole new system okay I mean, do we even need a president president? Or just figure out a new way to do the job I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what? [Laughter] show me one job. Like if you hired a cook and he was making people vomit every day, do you sit there and go, “well, he’s got a four-year deal”? We’ve just got to vomit for four more years [laughter] I mean, to be the president of the United States all you have to be is 35 and born in the United States. So you know, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can be the president… [applause] That’s how we got in this predicament. You know what I mean– I mean, it should be some rules to being the president. You realize there’s more rules to a game show than running for president? [Laughter] Like, Donald Trump left a game show to run for president because it was easier. [Laughter] That’s right, there’s rules to be on “Jeopardy!” You can’t just jump on “Jeopardy!” you can’t throw your son on “Jeopardy!” Or your son-in-law Steve Harvey can’t put his family on “Family Feud.”

[Laughter]

It’s like real scrutiny, man and do the democrats even want to win do they even want to win it’s like trump, he runs against — the democrats just keep putting up 75-year-old people to run against Trump. Now, hey, one thing we can say about trump. He got the most energy of any 75-year-old person on the face of the earth– even Mick Jagger‘s like, “slow down, Donald.” [Laughter] You know, Trump is like — he’s like a dominant female boxer he’s like Ronda Rousey like damn, it she can fight. And then you go, “oh, she hitting girls.”

[Laughter]

We’ve got to figure out our whole relationship we’ve got to renegotiate our relationship to the government the senate and the congress doesn’t work no, it doesn’t freaking work, man. It doesn’t work. And why doesn’t it work? Because they need freaking term limits okay we’ve agreed in the united states that we cannot have kings. Yet we have dukes and duchesses running the senate and the congress making decisions for poor people. [Applause] That’s right rich people making decisions for poor people. That’s like your handsome friend giving you dating advice like “I think you should go over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it’s yours.” Yeah, that works for you, Idris. [Laughter]

Hey, we’ve got to take this serious. We’ve got to get out there we’ve got to vote. But they don’t want us to vote, the government does not want you to vote. Why do I know they don’t want you to vote? Because election day’s a Tuesday in November. [Laughter] Why– anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November– does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November? Church ain’t on a Tuesday. [Laughter] Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. [Laughter] You know, if this show was “Tuesday Night Live,” it would have got canceled in 1975. [Laughter]

I mean, that’s why we’ve got to vote, man. And we’ve got to take it seriously. We’ve got to take it serious you know, like I watch the republicans take it serious. You know, you watch fox news, Sean Hannity‘s mean. Every day! He’s looking you in the camera, he’s telling you it’s the end of the world. Listen to me and every time I see Anderson Cooper, he’s with Andy Cohen on new year’s eve, blowing a kazoo. [Laughter] Drinking rose. It’s like of course they believe Sean. You know, Walter Cronkite was like the most respected man in news you know why ’cause we never saw him in shorts [laughter] okay?

But we’ve got to take this serious, man we’ve got to take the whole government serious we’ve got to take the — everything going on right now, we can lick this okay we can beat this if we all work together. You know, James Baldwin said, “not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced” okay [cheers and applause] all right? We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Megan thee stallion is here. So stick around! And we’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

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