Sam Jay: 3 in the Morning (2020) – Transcript

Comedian and "Saturday Night Live" writer Sam Jay serves up fresh takes on relationships, travel nightmares, the audacity of white people and more.
Sam Jay: 3 In The Morning (2020)

Holy shit. What the fuck is up, Atlanta? This shit is fuckin’ amazing, man. Wow. This shit really hit me today. I was– I was walking to the venue and, you know, all the emotions. Like, this is my fucking special. I’m here, I’m doing the shit that I set out to do this whole fuckin’ time. You know? I was walking down, and I was– I was coming… through the alleyway, and I was like, “This is really some full-circle shit.” ‘Cause the last dude I fucked… I met at a bar right over there. The last dick I took, I met right over there. Yeah! Crazy! That was the last dick I sucked. Whoa! Every time I think about it, my mind’s blown. Like, “bitch, you was sucking dicks.” I don’t like dicks at all! Like, I know that for a fact. I don’t like dicks. I don’t even like wearing ’em when bitches ask me to. I don’t like dicks. And I was suckin’ whole dicks, just putting ’em in my mouth.

The shit we’ll do to fit in, you know? I just wanted to be friends with my friends! I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group. Like, “Yeah, girl, the balls are salty like that. The balls be salty as fuck. I know, girl. It’s crazy how salty the balls are.” Suckin’ whole dicks… Nutty! Never was good at it, either. D-minus dick-sucker. D-minus. Never won the dick-suck game. I had some nights– I had some Jordan flu game. “Tonight’s the night I ball!” You know, just go-hard nights. I have to say that disclaimer ’cause I’ll be like, “I’m a bad dick-sucker,” and somebody in the crowd’ll be like, “She sucked the shit out my dick!” I’ll be like, “Oh, God dammit! I did. That night, I did. I did… do the fuckin’ job.”

Shit is wild, man. I’m with my girl. I travel everywhere with my girl, which is stupid. I bring my girl everywhere ’cause I love her, but also, uh, fuck her. You know, it’s annoying. Like, I’m in love, I’m in love. This is a woman I’ve chased. I’m in love. I’ve chased this woman for years. But also, like, “Oh, shut the fuck up and go away.” Like, we shouldn’t be taking trips together. I realized that that’s where I’m fucking up. We should be going on trips, but on separate trips. Like, she goes to Hawaii, I go to London, then we switch. You know what I mean? I go to Hawaii, she goes to London. So we see the same shit so we can talk about it later. We’ll have a dialogue, but we don’t actually have to be in the same fuckin’ space. ‘Cause that seems to be creating the problems.

Recently, I went home, back to Boston. That’s where I’m from. I’m a Boston kid, you know? But I also don’t go back often because my whole family’s there. Like, all of them. I love ’em, but it’s a lot. Know what I mean? So I try to avoid it. But I was like, “My girl needs to meet my people. I’m goin’ home.” I take my girl, I go back home. It was nice at first. She met my favorite uncle. He’s my favorite ’cause every time I see him, he asks if I’m still gay. Which is nice. Every time I see him, he’s like, “Hey, you still messin’ with the ladies?” Like, one day, I was like, “Nah, Unc, back suckin’ these dicks! Back on these dicks, partner. That’s what… Puttin’ my mouth on balls again, baby. That’s… how I like to live.”

But it was dope. It was nice for my girl to just see… where the fuck I come from, you know? You always want that with your partner. Just see how I grew up. See the people that raised me. Just get to know me a little bit better. And all of that felt really good. We was havin’ a great time. I took her out, she met my friends from high school. Lot of my homegirls, they were telling her stories about how I used to have my titties out and shit, you know? Just lettin’ her know who I used to be. Everything was chill. Everything was comfortable. It felt great. But it got awkward ’cause I bumped into the dude I lost my virginity to. – Oh, shit! – It was weird, as we look the same now. Like, same outfit, same haircut. “What’s up, n i g g a? What the fuck you… What’s good with you, cuz? Fuck you want?” I saw him before he saw me. I was like, “Shit, I sucked his dick.” You know, like, I was… “Oh, my God!” Because, for a dyke, when you see old dicks you sucked, they’re like hauntings, you know? It’s just like, “Remember you used to do this?” Like, “Oh, my God.” “Please don’t come this fuckin’ way.” I was like, “God, I sucked his dick. What’s he gonna do?” He seen me. At first, he was cool. He gave me the “you know you sucked my dick” head nod, kept it moving. He was just like, “You know what you did.” “I know, I know, I know.”

Weird, though, weird to be around my girl, trying to be the best man I’m gonna be and then seeing a dick I sucked. I was like, “I don’t like this at all.” Then he said the dumbest thing to me. We’re standing across from each other, he went, “I just need to say this. I just hope I’m not the reason… you’re like this.” Like, n i g g a, what? You think your 15-year-old dick swayed me in any direction? We were fucking kids, man. We could’ve been humpin’ mattresses, you know? Hell, no! Just sometimes, people be gay and don’t know it. It’s possible. I was a whole gay bitch, didn’t know. People knew before me. I came out, some of my old friends was like, “Duh, bitch!” I was like, “Really? Really? You knew this whole time? ‘Cause this whole time, I was for sure thinkin’ I liked dick.” I did. I did! I knew I wasn’t enjoying sex. My homegirls would talk about sex. I was like, “I don’t like it like they like it,” but I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, “I ain’t found the right dick yet.” They’d be like, “When you feel it in your stomach…” I was like, “Ooh, that’s my least favorite part, when you… When it hit the stomach, you know it’s really there. You can’t– I don’t like that at all.”

But I didn’t think I didn’t like dick. I just thought, you know, “Keep suckin’ these dicks. Concentrate. Work harder. Focus on the dicks you’re suckin’. Visualize. You’ll fucking get there.” That’s why representation matters, man. It does. It matters. You need to see yourself in the fuckin’ world. Like, I didn’t realize you could be black and gay and, like, fly and shit. Like, I’m from Boston, bro. We didn’t have black dykes. We didn’t have black dykes. We had white dykes. They drove Subarus and had long armpit hair. And I was like, “No.” I was like, “No, that’s not what I am. I’m not that. I don’t do that. I’m not with that.” We had one black dyke, and that bitch was on crack. And I was like, “If that’s what dyking leads to, that’s not a life for me. I need to focus on these dicks. Concentrate.” “Concentrate and work hard and make somethin’ of myself.” You honestly couldn’t be black and gay outside of Atlanta until 2012. It just didn’t exist anywhere else in the world. So I didn’t know, you know? I was like, “Nah, man, I’m just… into licking these dicks and balls.” Not at all. And then I ate a pussy, and I was like, “bitch!” The world opened the fuck up. I was like, “Oh, this is what everyone said when they said they like it.” I never understood the liking it part. I was like, “Sex is just a job. You don’t like it, you just do it.” And then, fuck it. But, no, you can like it. Like, now I eat pussy, I’m like, “This is it, I’m a winner. Now I’m winning. I feel in control. I know what the fuck I’m doing. This is where I was supposed to be. In the pussy.” Now I’m in love, so I’m only in one pussy, and that’s weird. It’s weird ’cause I know it’s the only pussy I’m gonna be in forever. It’s not always great, right? When you fuck the same person forever, you know, there’s downsides to that. There’s highs and lows. Cause now, we’ve been fucking since, I don’t know, we was 22? I’m 30-something, so it’s like, “I don’t care about this pussy anymore.” Like, I love her, but the pussy, I don’t give a fuck. It could come, it could go, it could not be there. But I’m tryin’ to do it. I am. I’m like, I’m in love. That’s why I bring her everywhere. That’s why we travel and shit. We just went to Europe recently. Three weeks in Europe. Big fuckin’ mistake. Three weeks. Mm-mm-mm. Too long. Shouldn’t have done it. It was fucked up before we even left New York. Before we got out our apartment, it was problematic. It started with the packing. Everything broke down with the fuckin’ packing. Everything was goin’ good. We was packing, she was packing, I was packin’, everything felt respectable. But then she started packin’ a third bag. And that really confused me, ’cause she only has two arms. So I was like, “How you packin’ three bags with two arms, baby girl? You don’t got enough arms for the bags you packin’. What a presumptuous, bold fuckin’ move, to pack bags you don’t got fuckin’ arms for! Who’s supposed to be in charge of these fuckin’ bags? Who’s gonna be the boss, bitch? I don’t understand.”

Then we got to an airport and it caused a fight because she forgets I’m not a man, I’m not a fucking man. I’m not. So I don’t have any chivalry. I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck. I am a whole bitch. I have no chivalry in me. Are you crazy? So it’s not like I saw her struggling with the bags and was like, “I can’t let my baby struggle!” “I gotta get these bags!” Fuck, no! I was just like, “Stupid bitch! Bring less bags. Dumb motherfucker. That was dumb as all hell.” “Bringin’ bags you ain’t got enough arms for. Who the fuck does that? You see, I got bags for arms, baby girl. That’s how I goddamn roll. Hell’s wrong with you?” So she’s strugglin’, lookin’ stupid, and I’m just watching like, “Mm-mm-mm,” you know? “Mm.” Then this dude comes and tries to save the day, ’cause that’s what dudes like to do, you know? Especially when men see a masculine woman. That’s their favorite shit. They like to come, like, “I got the real dick.” You know? Filthy fucks. “I got the real– Where you want– Where you need my dick to go? What bag my dick gotta pick up? What you want my dick— You need my dick over here?” “Shut up.” This fucking clown come– “I got the real– I got the real dick.” And he jacks up the bag, and he looks at me, and he’s like, “Now what?” Like, “n i g g a, get mine too! You gettin’ bags, get all the bitches’ bags! The fuck you think? I’m a lady. Carry my shit.” “Be a fuckin’ gentleman.” It doesn’t help that I’m a nervous flier. I’ll say that. I didn’t help. I’m a very nerve-racked flier. I hate fuckin’ flying. I’m thinkin’ about dying the whole time. The entire trip, I’m just like, “I’m fuckin’ dead up here,” you know? I think if you’re not thinkin’ about dying, you’re a psychopath. I don’t know anyone who’s just up there, like, “This is how God intended it.” You know, what the fuck? Clearly, we have no business up there. We’re watchin’ ESPN, we’re drinkin’. Who the fuck do we think we are? So ballsy. Chill out. You know? This is delicate. Then we like to give the illusion of safety. “In case of an emergency.” bitch, we’re dead if there’s an emerg– This motherfucker’s in the exit row with his shoes off, drunk. He’s saving all of us? He’s the guy? He’s the point man? Fuck you! Fuck you! You don’t give a shit about us. I watched you give this man drinks! Maybe don’t serve drinks to the exit row n i g g a s. Of all the n i g g a s! Maybe they have to be sober. You want me to feel safe in the skies… Kiss my ass!

I think about death in a weird– I don’t think like how most– I think most people think some regular-ass shit. Right? They think, like, I don’t know, “What if the pilot takes us into a mountain today ’cause he hates his fuckin’ life?” Or, “What if the engine fails?” That’s normal thoughts. I think crazy, crazy shit. I think, like, what if the company that makes the chemical that makes the doo-doo block… Okay, so when you’re on a plane and you shit or you piss, it don’t just go to the birds, baby. Right? You don’t just flush it, it’s in the sky. No, it stays on the fuckin’ plane. Like a camper. And there’s a chemical in there, and it makes a gelatinous mess, and when you land, they suck that shit out, they put a new chemical in for your next flight. I be thinking, what if the doo-doo block company, right, the chemical company… What if they skimp on a chemical? Just on some American greed shit. American companies are trash. They’re always doin’ this type of fuckin’ shit, cuttin’ corners. We know this, cuttin’ corners, doin’ funny shit. What if one of these fuckin’ companies, like, “Know what? We’re not buyin’ boric acid this month. We don’t fuckin’ need boric acid. It’s $30,000 a unit and it really doesn’t do anything.” Then I’m in the sky, I take a shit, the plane’s half a pound heavier, boom, into a mountain. Fuckin’ dead. That’s what the hell goes on in my brain. Shit that can’t be cured with no safety video. You know? Fuck are you– So I’m nervous. I’m on edge. As soon as I get on the plane, I’m on edge, I’m on it. I’m makin’ sure everyone’s phone’s on airplane mode. ‘Cause that’s everybody’s job. I’m just, like, “Look at him. Why this n i g g a on Candy Crush like that? Who’s gonna do somethin’ about that? That’s weird. I don’t like any of this.” Then I sit down, and I notice my girl still fuckin’ around on her phone. She ain’t fuckin’ changed her shit yet. She playin’ games and shit. So I’m like, “Hey, baby, when you gonna do it? The guy said do it. I think you should go ahead and do it.” And she snaps at me ’cause she’s still mad over the bag shit. So she’s like, “You ain’t gotta do it till the plane takes off!” And it’s like, “bitch, you don’t build planes! You don’t. You’re not a plane scientist or no shit like that. You do it when the n i g g a drivin’ the plane says it’s time to do it! That’s the opportune time.” And that caused another fight, ’cause I hit the button on that bitch. I was like, “Bing, get her the fuck outta here. Mm-mm-mm-mm. I’m not goin’ in the sky with this bitch, she actin’ up on the ground. How the fuck we gonna go in the sky? You not followin’ the ground rules, baby girl! That don’t add up.” So then, I’m in my seat and shit, right, and now we fightin’. We tryin’ to whisper-fight like white people. You know, tryin’ to get a good whisper-fight in. We… pss-pss-pss-pss. Pffft! You know? That goofy, goofy stuff. And her main thing is, like, she likes to fuck with me. Like, she likes to, like, say shit to me like she’s reminding me I’m a woman. Like I don’t… I fuckin’ know that, you know? But she likes to– ‘Cause of my outfits and shit. Know what I mean? ‘Cause of how I dress. She’s like… “I’ma break you down, remind you you a whole bitch.” I was like, “bitch, I got a pad in these boxer briefs. I know what’s happenin’. I don’t need this energy from you. Goofy ass.” So we’re sittin’ in the seat, and we’re arguin’, and then she’s like, “What the fuck are you so afraid of, you scaredy bitch? Are you on your period?” And I was like, “Waaaah!” Huh! I got so fuckin’ mad! Balled up my fist real tight like I was about to punch the seat in front of me. Like I was just gonna act, you know? But the last time I did that, we were at the house. I balled my fist up and punched the wall, and then I just hurt my hand real bad. Nothin’ happened. So I was like, “Let me chill.” So I was just like, “Aaah! What to do? Aaaah!” And then I just told the truth. I was like, “I’m afraid to die!” I yelled that on a plane. Just put it out there, you know? Just fuckin’ be honest. But as soon as I said it, I realized it’s not true. I think I needed to hear it out loud. I was like, “That’s not it. I’m not afraid to die. Actually, death is inevitable, I know it’s gonna happen. I’m not afraid to die.” I realized in that moment what I’m afraid of is surviving. I don’t wanna survive a plane crash. I think about bein’ that one asshole floatin’ on a piece of wing… in the middle of the ocean way more than I think about death. Just… On some Life Of Pi shit. “Just live, n i g g a.” No! That’s trash. No! I don’t wanna survive shit. You don’t come out of nothing you survive clean. It don’t matter. If someone says, “I’m a survivor,” they’re fucked up a bit. They ain’t clean. It’s fucked up. I survive a plane crash, now my arm’s lopsided like this forever. Forever, I just gotta be like this when I talk to people. That’s trash. My fingertips don’t work right no more, so I can’t grip shit. I can’t pick nothin’ up, forever. I can’t grip with it, I can’t grab shit. I lose my legs, and now I gotta be the no-legs comic. I gotta roll up here with no legs. “I used to have legs, but they gone. Y’all heard about the crash. Don’t worry about me.” Bullshit! Fuck that. No! Or I float on a deserted island, and then it’s just like, “Fight for your life!” Like, everything’s intact, and it’s just like, “Get it in!”

‘Cause that’s the problem with survival. Survival begs the question, “Do you have the will to live?” And the answer is no. I already know that. I don’t give a fuck about life enough to fight for it, for real. Like, every time I watch Cast Away, I’m like, “n i g g a, just be dead! What the fuck are you doin’? Lay on the beach and let the waves take you, dawg. This is ridiculous!” Walking Dead? Once my phone’s dead, bro, I’m dead. Where am I goin’ without a GPS? I don’t know how to use a compass. I’m not white. White people still… I don’t know. Like, y’all preparin’ for some shit but y’all won’t tell us what it is. Y’all move so weird, man. Y’all actions are weird! Y’all gettin’ ready. And the world’s endin’. Everything’s burnin’, we get it, and y’all preparin’. Just tell us. Tell us what’s happenin’! Stop keepin’ this shit to yourself. They do weird shit. They just get lost in the woods for no– “Let’s just follow the North Star out.” bitch, why? Doing Tough Mudders and shit, just runnin’ through the mud. Just runnin’– Why? But when you think about it, when mudslides hit, them n i g g a s gonna be movin’, doof, doof, doof!

N i g g a s, on the other hand, we’re fucked. We prepare for nothin’. We have no plan for the end of the world, and it’s clear it’s happenin’. All we’re gonna do is meet in Atlanta. That’s n i g g a s‘ plan. Just meet in Atlanta. Just gonna be a bunch of n i g g a s in front of a Waffle House, like, “Well, I assumed– I assumed this was the spot, and then… and then we’d talk about what’s next.” “Thought we’d get together first. What I wanna know is, who’s cookin’? Who’s doin’ the cookin’ this whole time?” Jesus! They’re gettin’ ready, for real. Watch these motherfuckers. They move funny! All their actions are in preparedness, but we don’t know for what, right?

Like, I was watching Naked And Afraid for the first time last week. Why the fuck are you doin’ that shit, white people? You just wanna know you can live naked and scared? N i g g a, both? Why both? Both together, not even separate? That’s crazy! Bunch of white dudes died climbin’ the Himalayas. What the fuck you goin’ up there for? Everything you need down here! You just wanna know you can sleep with less air? Where the air goin’? N i g g a, the air runnin’ out? We losin’ air? Tell us! Why y’all keepin’ this shit to yourselves? Put everybody on, goddamn.

I saw a bunch of white people checkin’ their restin’ heart rate the other day. “Bitch, we about to have to run? Where we going? Bitch, where we going? Why are you just checkin’ that shit? What do y’all know that I don’t know? I don’t like that.”

This n i g g a Elon Musk be goin’ to space by hisself. What the fuck is that white man doin’ in space alone? That’s not suspicious to anybody but me? That this motherfucker goes to space without the government, without NASA? Which I didn’t even know you could fuckin’ do! As far as I knew, they were the space n i g g a s. They run space! You wanna fuck with space, you gotta fuck with them. This motherfucker built a spaceship like it’s a go-kart, goes on Tuesdays. bitch, space day is Saturday! Everybody know that! You can’t leave midweek to go to goddamn space! It’s an event. It happens Saturday, the TV’s on. This n i g g a be goin’ Wednesday night. What? From Sacramento, at that. bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral. That’s where you go from. Ain’t no entry point to Mars from fuckin’ Sacramento. And when you’re goin’ to space, you at least tell the people. It’s a PSA. Get on the goddamn news, say, “Hey, people, I’m about to fuck around in space. Don’t be alarmed.” This n i g g a just went. We thought it was aliens. “Is it aliens?” “No, just Elon doin’ donuts in the sky.” What the fuck is this? Whoo! White man ambition is some shit. You wanna know where the racism is? That’s where the fuck it is, white men. I know y’all still confused. Look at him. “What are you talkin’ about?” Fuckin’ confused. ‘Cause they don’t get– Everyone learns the history. So you’re like, “No one’s gettin’ hung, and we ain’t beatin’ nobody. I work next to a black guy, and he has a car, so… equality.” Just lay the fuck down, rest easy, ’cause everything’s fair. Fuckin’ nut job! Everything’s not fair! ‘Cause while you’re sleepin’, you’re dreamin’ about buyin’ Mars, n i g g a! I’ve never thought I could do no shit like that a day in my life. I thought about havin’ all the money. I thought, “If I get all the money, I’m gonna buy them gold ceilings Master P had in Cribs.” “That’s what the fuck I’ma do when I get all the goddamn money.” Space by my goddamn self, bitch? Never! Even if I thought about goin’ to space, I’d call NASA first. “Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go? You know what? It is Tuesday. Space day is Saturday.” So we land in London… We land in London, and we decided not to fight anymore, ’cause I think that’s how couples traveling work, right? You get to the place you’re supposed to be, you’re like, “We can fight where we pay rent. Let’s just try to fuckin’ be friends. We’ve never seen any of this shit before. Let’s just try to be cool,” right?

So we get to London. “We’re in London, what are we gonna do? Which is new shit for me, ’cause I’m a grown-up, and now I go out in the daytime. I used to be able to travel like this. “Let’s sleep all day and get fucked up all night. I wanna see this city high and drunk,” you know? But now I’m an old bitch, I’m like, “I wanna see architecture. I wanna know how… how they built the buildings.” We get to London, I’m like, “We still got some time, let’s go to a fuckin’ museum.” My girl’s like, “Hell, yeah. Let’s go.” ‘Cause we old bitches, and old bitches like the museum. But we’re not that old, so we took mushrooms first, ’cause, yeah… Fuckin’ turn the museum up. So we take these shrooms… and we’re like, “Let’s get out, let’s do it.” We go to the British Museum. That’s the biggest fuckin’ museum in London, in the city. We go to the British Museum. It’s huge. I was overwhelmed. I was high as shit. I walked in, I was like, “Holy shit.” ‘Cause it was wing after wing after wing of stuff, and it blew my mind ’cause I was like, “Wow, white people stole all this shit!” “Stole so much shit!” “All this shit is stolen. That’s crazy!” It was like, “Wow! They stole everything in this motherfucker!” The audacity! I think that’s the real word to describe white people. It’s not racist. Audacious! The fuckin’ audacity! ‘Cause everyone steals. I’m not saying you’re the only one that steals. Everybody steals. n i g g a s steal, black people steal, but when we steal, we spread the shit out. ‘Cause we’re afraid. We’re like, “They might come at any moment. Try to get back some of this shit. So put some at Joe’s, put some over here…” Not the white man. “Put it all in one building.” “Erect a fortress for it. And, yes, charge them $20 to see it. Their own shit.” “And if one of ’em touches it, shoot ’em.” Jesus! But they got all the culture. Another thing that fucked me up when I was London. I was like, “These motherfuckers got all the culture. We don’t have shit. We’re trash.” We have no culture in America. We think we do. “We’ll go see the Liberty Bell.” That’s garbage. It’s trash. It’s trash. It’s all just young, ignorant– We don’t have good– They have Rembrandts, they got Shake– They got the fucking culture, you know? And as Americans, we just fiend out for their culture. We just be goin’ over there, “Let me get some of your culture. Let me borrow a Rembrandt for two million for one month, ’cause my kids need some art,” you know? They got all the shit. I was with my girl, we went into this one room, we went to the Egypt side. We went into this one room, there was six mummies in one room. Fuckin’ blew my mind. I was like, “Babe, look, six mummies in here.” She got all attitudey. She was like, “Why you actin’ like that? Why you actin’ like you never been nowhere?” She thought I was being one of those people that go to another country and act like it’s so much better than America. Which is annoying, you know? Go somewhere, people are like, “Flowers in America don’t look like this.” Like, shut the fuck up. That’s irritating. She thought I was doing that. She was like, “What’s the big deal? You seen a mummy before.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch, one! I ain’t never seen six together in one room!” That’s how they do us in America, ’cause we borrowin’ the culture. In America, we get one mummy. Every three summers! And we work that n i g g a like Joe Jackson worked the Jackson 5. “Listen up, Mummy! Tomorrow, Memphis. Schenectady! Take your ass down to Ohio.” We left the museum. We was like, “Let’s get a cab.” I was like, “Fuck it, let’s Uber. Let’s see what the London Uber shit is like.” Like it was gonna be less rapey or somethin’. Like, “Maybe it’s not as rapey, or maybe it’s rapey with, like, a tip of the hat or somethin’.” Just somethin’ different, you know? So we get an Uber, and I– I will say this– I didn’t like, also, being overseas… ‘Cause… I just feel like people are ballsy now ’cause of who the president is, how, like, our country is, like, so people feel like they can just talk shit to you, you know? You go to a foreign country, people are like, “Huh,” you know? Think they can take fucking shots ’cause they think our country’s in despair.

So I get in the Uber, and as soon as he hears my accent, the motherfucker goes off. He’s like, “Ugh, America, ugh, eurgh… Eurgh! Trump! Bleurgh! When are you guys gonna do–” Like, n i g g a, Theresa May, Hitler. Suck my dick. Yeah! Like you don’t have your fuckin’ problems. Lick my balls. Get out of here. I don’t get defensive. I think a lot of people get fuckin’ defensive, you know? Especially liberals. Liberals like to defend America. “Don’t judge us by the president. We are such a better country than the president.” No the fuck we’re not! If we were, he wouldn’t be the fucking president. That’s not how shit works. We’re better than Trump? We’re a country of Golden Corral buffets. Who the fuck do be think we are? Trash! We’re trash. Troughs of macaroni, 9.99 prime rib. That’s our shit. Garbage shit. Dollar burgers from fast-food restaurants, then we complain when them shits gives us cancer. “Hey! This 99-cent meat almost killed me!” Duh, bitch! How the fuck you think you get 99-cent meat? You stretch it out with a little bit of cancer! There’s only one way to make this shit! How else do you think we achieve this fuckin’ goal? You… dummy. Plus, I don’t know… Trump’s our first n i g g a president. That’s gotta matter. In the history and shit. I’m talking about history-wise. I’m not talkin’ about right now. I’m talking about when we look back at the world. “Oh, we in the history books.” Pfft, pfft. We’re gonna see Barack. We’ll be like, “Oh, good black man.” There’s Trump, a whole n i g g a. First time we ever had a n i g g a in the White House, and the first n i g g a is white. That gotta mean somethin’. He ain’t ever been a president. That’s why Democrats can’t beat him. They know how to deal with presidents. Not how to deal with n i g g a s. This is all back-of-the-bus energy. They don’t know what the fuck to do with that. Every decision is a n i g g a decision. He ain’t never been presidential. He just let 11 of his friends outta jail for no reason. Everything y’all thought the black one was gonna do. If you white and voted for him, everything you thought the black– He was just like, “Let ’em out.” “Why?” “‘Cause I like ’em. They my friends. Let ’em out.” He killed an Iranian general. He killed a general of another country that we have consistently had problems with. Killed this man, and first of all, I didn’t even know we was mad at them at the moment. Had no idea. That’s how you know that was some personal n i g g a shit. That was beef. He was like, “If you see the n i g g a slidin’, hit my jack. I don’t like that motherfucker.” “You catch him dipping, hit my jack, hit my jack. I got somethin’ for his ass.” Confused Iran so much, they put 80 mil on his head. They didn’t know what to do. That’s not how diplomat– Just, “80 mil on the n i g g a head.” Like it was a WorldStar beef. “Put 80 mil on his head, 20 mil for the chain.”

I don’t what’s happenin’ in the world anymore. And when a president makes a move like that, the president kills the leader of another country, the president gets on the news. Matter of fact, every channel becomes the fucking news. You turn on any channel, it’s the president, from the Oval, and he’s like, “Hey, man, some heinous shit went down. But I’m the president, and I had to protect y’all. And I do what’s right, and I stand for what’s right, so you don’t ever have to worry about it ’cause I got your back. President out. America’s the best.” That’s what the president does. A n i g g a gets on Twitter… …tweets the American flag like it’s a Crip bandana… and is like, “What’s cracking? I don’t like the n i g g a. What are you… Who’s confused?” From the top of his presidency, he’s been on this shit. Very early, we brought him a serious prob– We’re like, “Hey, Mr. President, kids are bringing guns to schools. They’re shootin’ up schools. What do we do?” He was like, “Get the teachers guns, then. n i g g a s bustin’ at you, bust back. That’s what– that’s what I always say. That’s how you handle shit in the projects.” Plus, I don’t know, me and my girl’s dynamic is all fucked up, still. Like, we gotta work out all our shit. Like, right now, we not celebratin’ holidays. We canceled all the holidays. I don’t fuck with none of them. Valentine’s Day, Christmas… Only thing we do is birthdays. I don’t do shit else. She thinks I’m being mean. I’m like, “No, we’ll celebrate the holidays again when you get a job.” Right now, she’s not workin’, right? And when I met my girl, she all the– Like, It’s not like my girl don’t get her shit off, but right now, she just in a transition, she not working. And when I met her, I didn’t make any money. I was broke. She made a lot of money. But now, it’s the opposite. I make a lotta, lotta money and she makes, like, zero money. So, no, we not doin’ holidays. What the fuck am I gonna do a holiday with you for? It’s not fair. It’s not equal. We’re not having equal transactions, like two adults should. Right? It’s not like I buy her a Louis bag, she buys me some Gucci shoes. Holiday? No. I buy her a Louis bag and then she gives me a coupon for a back rub like she’s seven fucking years old. I gotta look in her eyes, act like this is a respectable fucking gift ’cause she’s put me on the spot! “This is from my heart, and I mean it.” “bitch, I don’t want a back rub from you! You don’t even know how to back rub right!” So, no. No holidays. I don’t want to bring a kid into this. Now I gotta pay for her, pay for you, do all this shit, protect you both ’cause she thinks that too, ’cause she’s crazy. You know, I get that I’m wearin’ the outfit, but, n i g g a, I can’t fight. Chill! These fuckin’ underwears don’t give me superpowers, honey.

The other day, I was in the shower, she went to the store and she didn’t lock the fuckin’ door. That’s how I know she thinks I can handle everything. That’s crazy… to leave a woman in the shower, titties soaped up. Get what I’m saying? I’m in the shower, my titties are soapy. I got soapy titties in this shower. And my shit‘s perky. They sit… I pop these shits out the bra, they only go to here. They good. These is good titties. Not a lot of wear and tear ’cause I don’t take a lot of dick, so they not bouncin’ around. Solid titties. You understand what I’m sayin’? Up here. On point. So I get out the shower, I check the door, the shit is unlocked. I was livid! Livid. I was like, “Yo, that’s fucked up. How dare you don’t lock the door.” She was like, “How did you even know it was unlocked?” Like, “bitch, ’cause I’m a bitch, and I checked. I’m petty, bitch. What are you talkin’ about? The first thing I did, hit that lock, see what you was on. And figured out you on bullshit!” She was like, “I don’t get the big deal.” I was like, “The big deal is whenever you’re in the house and I leave the house, I lock up the house, ’cause that’s the rules of pussy. Pussy in the house, lock it up. Everybody know that. Everyone’s been taught that. Pussy inside, lock the pussy inside. You don’t leave it loose, willy-nilly, for anything to fuckin’ happen!” She left me ass-naked in the shower as if the rapist was gonna come in and be like, “Nah, she got a fade. I ain’t gonna do it.” “What I don’t do is take fade pussy. That’s off the menu. I take all types of ass, but not the one that’s faded.”

Jesus Christ! The other night, we were in bed, we both heard somethin’. I said, “Babe, did you hear that?” She’s like, “Yeah, go check.” “bitch, why me? If there’s a whole n i g g a in here, we both need to go check. It’s gonna take two of us to get him the fuck outta here. What are you talkin’ about? We both might end up suckin’ this dude’s dick at the end of the day. And, bitch, you’re on the balls, ’cause I pay the rent.” “I’m not suckin’ balls and payin’ rent, baby girl. I’m all tip then shaft. Them balls are yours.” Oh, shit! Then we gotta have that goofy shit over cereal. “We did what we had to do. Let’s not talk about the shit.” “But, babe, you was really suckin’ them balls.” Goin’ down! Whew!

Plus, I don’t know, fucking kids suck nowadays, you know? I don’t wanna bring a kid into this– Every kid now, they’re shitty. They’re all too smart. Shut up. They’ve all got all these wild fuckin’ opinions about the world, know who they are at two and shit. I don’t want– I don’t got the energy for that. I want a dumbass kid. I want a ’90s baby. Put some fucking play dough in your ear and just stare at the TV. Don’t want an astute fucking– I do want a weird one. I do want a little weird one, though. I did think that. I want a little Jaden Smith. I want a little weird fucker. I do. I just want a kid, I don’t know what he’s on. Like, one day, he’s a ninja, the next day, he’s gay. The next day, he’s into polygamy. I’m like, “Yeah, fuck that, do it all!” I want a little– Mm! I hate when black people don’t fuck with Jaden Smith. I love what… I see that as progress. I’m like, “It’s so great.” Like, when– Especially hyper-masculine dudes, “What they doin’ to that kid? They raisin’ that kid all weird!” It’s like, “Yeah, that’s dope! We need a weird one. Finally, we got a weird black kid. That’s amazing.” Like, every time I see Jaden Smith, I feel like one of those slaves in Django when he rode by on that horse. I’m like, “Look at this magical n i g g a! Just doin’ whatever he wants.” This motherfucker is dressed like Batman with no shoes on, singin’ about the stars, kissin’ white women in the mouth. That’s Martin Luther King’s dream! Let’s celebrate that shit. That’s amazing.

I want a little weird one. I just don’t want one of these super-smart ones that knows everything. Like, I don’t want a little Greta Thunberg baby. I don’t. I hate that little bitch. I hate that little fuckin’ girl, and I hate that you can’t say you hate the little fuckin’ girl ’cause she autistic or whatever. That’s so stupid. That’s so stupid. I don’t hate the girl ’cause she’s autistic. I’m not a fuckin’ savage. I hate her ’cause she annoying, and those are separate things. You can be autistic and annoying, bitch. I know plenty of autistic n i g g a s not annoying. They know a lot about Star Wars, they got facts I didn’t have. It’s dope. This little bitch? Ugh, shut up. Like, her parents gotta be exhausted. Like, “Okay, bitch, we get it. Okay. Okay. Okay!” I hate her attitude. I get the message, it’s the way she’s presentin’ it that’s fuckin’ trash. People wanna accept that and be real about that. It’s like, tell the truth. Her presentation sucks. Right? I would fuck with her more if her attitude was this. “Everybody’s fucked up. We all messed up the planet. And we all need to come together to fix this, ’cause we all did bad.” But her message is, “Adults, you fucked up. Adults, you left me a bad planet. Adults, you did wrong.” bitch, the shit was fucked up for me too! What the fuck are you talkin’ about? I didn’t walk onto a pristine Earth, bitch! This shit been bad– Matter of fact, when I was a kid, they told me California was gonna be gone by now, bitch. Be glad that shit‘s still here, motherfucker. Dummy. They’ve never given a fuck about the future. No one cares about the future. People care about their kids. That’s it. When I was seven, I went to Disney World on a plane full of cigarette smoke. Coughed the whole way. All they did was offer me Sprite. “You want some Sprite, little n i g g a?” “Clear that cough up, or whatever you got goin’ on.” Supposed to care about this bitch. Shut up! A lot of shit goin’ on. It would be weird to bring kids– There’s a lot of shit. I might have a kid, she’s three, and she knows she’s trans. I’m not ready for that. I don’t have the energy to talk to a trans three-year-old. Like, “bitch, I don’t know. What? What are you saying? I don’t know. Just color with the other color, then, bitch. Go away.” “Just use blue, then. I don’t fucking care!” I don’t wanna be stressed about this shit. I’m not gonna act like I have the answers. I think that’s the problem. We act like we have all the answers. It’s like, no, you can be confused. I think sometimes, people– Even I have this, as a queer person. I sometimes take people’s confusion as an attack. It’s like, no, they just don’t fuckin’ know. I think also, sometimes, people be confused and be attacking. You know what I mean? You’re so confused until, like, “It ain’t right!” Both of those things are wrong, and somewhere in the middle is the right answer, which is no one knows what the fuck they’re talkin’ about. There’s a bunch of gray, and we don’t have all the answers yet, ’cause the world is moving faster than fucking what we’re ready to think about. And it’s okay to be uncomfortable, it’s okay to be confused. It’s not okay to say people shouldn’t have the same rights as you. That’s what’s not okay. But you can– You can be all the other shit, ’cause that’s fucking human. Confusion is fucking reasonable. There’ll be a lot of things we don’t get and a lot of questions we’re gonna have. My homey called me the other day, and he was like, “Hey, n i g g a, I got a question, and you should know the answer ’cause you gay.” That kinda charged me up, I’m not gonna lie. I was like, “What? I’m the gayest n i g g a you know. What the fuck is the question? I got all the gay facts, n i g g a. What?” And he was like, “What do you do when you see a trans bitch beatin’ up a regular bitch?” And I was like, “Mmm? That, I don’t know. No, I don’t have an answer for that.” I know some of y’all are gettin’ tight. I feel it. Y’all gettin’ tight, like, “What does she mean, regular…” First of all, he’s not gay, he just did it the best he could, you know? He called everyone bitches, so it was universal. Chill out. But we really don’t have the answer to that. That’s somethin’ I didn’t think about till he presented it. What are we gonna do when trans bitches start beatin’ up regular bitches? As a regular bitch, I’m a tad bit concerned. Not gonna lie. I don’t wanna be in a fight with one of these motherfuckers. “Let them fight!” “No, get this n i g g a off me.” “This motherfucker is strong in ways I did not expect. Please help.” I’m not sayin’ trans women aren’t women. I’m not one of those corny-ass– Trans women are women, shut the fuck up, but when one of those women’s hands is big enough to palm a football… and she’s cavin’ the other woman’s chest in, we gotta make some notes… maybe figure out a new approach, how we’re gonna work this shit out, to move on as a goddamn society. I hate women that don’t embrace trans women. That’s corny. “They’re not real women.” Shut up! They’re real women. They’re contourin’, waxin’ all the shit. They’re doin’ everything you do, goofy. Pluckin’ their chin hairs, you dumbass. Plus, what are you talkin’ about? Women who don’t embrace trans women, what are you saying? Who do you think we are? We need these super bitches. Are you stupid? These are our X-Men. The world is about to change for us. Get fuckin’ excited. This is a goddamn blessing. What are you sayin’? Lombardi Trophy, here we come! We ’bout to be NFL champions, baby! With these trans bitches on our team, it’s gonna be lit! You thought we was gonna get to a NFL championship without these bitches, you’re stupid! Fuck, no, we wasn’t.

I was arguing with this lady. She was like, “We could do it… regular cisgendered women… she could…” Fuck you! No, they couldn’t. No, they couldn’t. Let’s say, miraculously, we had some cisgender woman who gets all the way to the NFL. She’s never fucking been touched all her career, right? She’s some flat-chested phenom. That’s what she’d have to be to cut through the wind so no one could get her, she couldn’t have no titties. She’s flat-chested, and she just… bam, bam, bam, bam! Her whole career, wham! “Oh, my God, they can’t touch her!” Bam! Why? ‘Cause she aerodynamic ’cause the titties gone. Wham! Let’s say this happens in the fucking world. She’s gonna get to the NFL, she’s gonna get tackled once, and the bitch is gonna die. Dead. We need a trans bitch, high-steppin’, face-maskin’. Gettin’ the fuck in. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see it. She gonna be in her Fashion Nova dress, holdin’ the trophy over… “Aaaaah!” Lit. bitch lit. Triple D titties ’cause she’s trans and confident. Titties out to here. You, ma’am, say you out– say you out for a night on the town with all your friends. One of your friends is a trans woman. You have the night of your life. Everyone’s pussy‘s sweaty when you leave the club. One of those nights. Everyone pussy sweat. Pussy sweat all around. You’ve sweated your pussies out dancing. You’re like, “This was the night.” You’re standin’ in front of the club, some gross-ass dude comes up. He’s like, “Ooh, look at you sexy bitches. I love every single one of you. I would love to put my dick on every single one of you sexy bitches’ butts.” And you’re like, “What? How dare you talk to us like that? You dirty, nasty man. Don’t you ever say anything like that to us again.” He’s like, “What? You’re just a woman. I could break your neck.” And then that bitch come from the back, Boof! “What the fuck you say?” Lay that n i g g a out. He’s all confused. “I felt dick in that punch. I didn’t see no dicks, but I’ve been hit by a dick before.” Whoo!

There’s also just too much to explain to a fucking kid. I’m gonna have to raise my kid post-Me-Too. I gotta… walk ’em down this dumbass path, you know? I gotta be like, “This is what happened, and it was crazy, but then white women went stupid.” You know? I was all– I was Me Too-ed up. I was like, “Get these nasty n i g g a s. Get ’em off the streets. They got their dicks on everybody. Get ’em outta here. I don’t like none of that. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here. Get ’em outta here.” And then white women went crazy. I feel like it just stopped bein’ about, like, what was real. You know, like, there’s a part– there’s a two-level conversation. Yes. All these dudes in power were using their power to manipulate situations and be terrible to women, a hundred percent. But in all those situations, women had a choice. If we never speak to that choice, we are disempowering women. The most empowering thing is to know even in the dire straits, you have a choice. You can always choose, and sometimes choosing to say “Fuck you” – is the most illest choice you can make. – Yo! And if we don’t pass that down to young women, then what the fuck are we saying? It’s weird. So I had to stop– I was like, “I can’t be a part of this shit. This is goofy.” I was done with it when it landed on Aziz Ansari. That’s when I was really like, “Fuck this.” When it got to Aziz, I said, “I can’t do this anymore. Really?” And it’s not ’cause I’m defendin’ Aziz. I wasn’t there. I’m not sayin’ he did or didn’t. That has nothin’ to do with it. There’s not a woman in here who doesn’t think she could beat that n i g g a‘s ass. That’s what I’m sayin’. That was goofy to me. The end of that blog should’ve been, “Then I punched that dumb n i g g a in the face… and left his goddamn apartment.” You ain’t even got to punch Aziz. Just buck at that n i g g a. “Ugh, get the fuck out of here. Goofy!” We gotta teach girls to fight. I’m not taking a L off a 5′5″ Indian n i g g a. 5′5″ Indian n i g g a s, swing at them! I’m not saying Indian n i g g a s are soft, but I ain’t never heard this statement. “That Indian n i g g a beat my ass.” I ain’t never heard that. So, I’ma take my goddamn chances. I feel the same way about feminism. It’s like, ugh! I wanna say I’m a feminist, but white women… Yeah! Whoo! Y’all make it so hard to get along with shit! ‘Cause white women act like they’re– like it’s a brand of feminism, and it’s theirs and that’s the most dominant. They act like they’re about all women, but you’re not. You’re only about white women. And that’s fine. You can’t be about all women, you haven’t taken the time to figure out all women need. You just know your white women needs and assume if we fix your shit, it’ll trickle down. It’s like, no, bitch! And I’m not mad at white women being agenda-driven. Be about your shit. Be about your shit. But don’t mask it as a cause. Just be real. Be like a Jehovah’s Witness. Come knockin’ on my door on a Sunday, like, “Are you ready for white women’s return?” “Well, I got somethin’ you should read.” Whoo! Plus, if you want me to get behind feminism, start with somethin’ that’s gonna galvanize women. Start with somethin’ that’s really gonna change some shit. Start with teachin’ women how to pee standin’ up. – How come we not doin’ that shit yet? – Whoo! It’s 2020! How come we still peein’ hobbled over like dogs and toddlers and shit? Fuckin’ grown women! We should be peeing upright like men. Know what? We can do it. And you know how I know? I fuckin’ did it. I got tired of this shit one day. I stood over the toilet, I spread my pussy lips, I perked my hole up, and that bitch went straight. And I was like, “Holy shit!” “I could’ve been doin’ this the whole fuckin’ time?” – Whoo! – “How did I not know this shit?” I’ll tell you why I didn’t know. ‘Cause of how women are taught to pee. How we’re taught to pee is fucked up. It’s trash. Especially in public. You know how we’re taught to pee? “Pull the pussy out! Put it away! Get out the bathroom, the rapist is coming. Move, move, move! You ain’t got time to hang out in here, bitch. Go!” Meanwhile, as soon as dudes see their dicks, they’re stretchin’ ’em, wrappin’ ’em around they leg, puttin’ them in they butt, seein’ how far they snap back, figurin’ shit out. There’s a grown woman in here. Grown as fuck, 35-plus, and every time she pee in public, a little pee go down her leg, and into her shoe. Grown! She just laughed back there. Grown! Piss in her shoe. Every time. Confused. “Why does this keep happenin’?” I’ll tell you why, goofy. ‘Cause you walk around all day, shit is movin’ around down there. You’re too scared to touch anything, you whip it out and piss, and now you got piss in your right shoe, you clown! Meanwhile, dudes have been standin’ upright for centuries, spellin’ their names in the snow! And you’re walkin’ around with piss in your shoe, and you want equal fuckin’ pay. Shut up! Even when you go into the men’s bathroom, it’s different, bro. They free in there. I go in there sometimes. I get away with it. They free in that motherfucker. They don’t care. They got little games in the urinal, they be peein’ on ice and shit, movin’ it around. Fuckin’ around. Dicks out, talkin’ wage gap, changin’ the world. Even the stall where they shit, sometimes, it don’t have a door. There’s no door on the stall. Why? Because they free. They’re like, “Shit happens back here, and if you don’t wanna see shit, don’t be in this goddamn corner. I don’t need a door. Just don’t come back here if you don’t wanna look at nobody shittin’, you fool.”

Meanwhile, in women’s bathrooms, we’re hobbled in closets, you know what I mean? Can’t even move around. I got tired of this shit one day. I cracked the door. I said, “I’m not takin’ this shit anymore. It’s too tight in here. I’m peeing with the door cracked. I can’t take it.” And then this woman walked in, she swung the door open. ‘Cause of course, she assumed the stall was free. That was natural. What was unnatural is she saw me, she screamed, as if we both don’t have pussies and we both don’t know what goes on in the bathroom, and she tried to jam the door closed. But I held that bitch open. I said, “Mm-mm, baby girl. Don’t do that. Make eye contact with me. This is the revolution right here.” My girl talked about kids a lot… while we was traveling. That was pissing me off. ‘Cause we was just travelin’, being free lesbians. We was just bumpin’ pussies. You know? Just bumpin’ pussies, not worried about none of the rules. She kept bringin’ this fucking corny heteronormative shit into my life. “Don’t you want kids? Kids? Wouldn’t this be so much better if we were experiencing this with kids?” “bitch, no! No, it wouldn’t be better. I don’t want fucking kids. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t know, maybe I’ll do it, but not…” Mm! Mm, I got a lot of nephews. I’m all right. You know? I don’t fucking… Plus, when I do have a kid, I’ma buy a Asian baby. I already have a plan. I’m buyin’ a dope-ass Asian baby. I already know what I’m doin’. Give this motherfucker a Mohawk. Take him dippin’ and trippin’, you know? ‘Cause, like, kids cost money when you a fuckin’ gay person. When somethin’ costs money, you know what costs the most, and I need to stunt. I need to pull up with my Asian baby, hop out in that foreign– “What up, n i g g a? Look at this.” Take him to the park, shit on my frenemies, you know what I mean? I can’t wait. I can’t wait to wheel this little n i g g a round the park. “Oh, hey, Karen, you adopted, too? Where’s your baby from? Honduras? Broke bitch! Get that broke-bitch baby outta here, Karen. This motherfucker right here? He’s from Thailand. Matter of fact, he might be a she. Take three months to figure that out, bitch.”

A fucking kid… Maybe I’ll do it. I don’t know. I probably will, ’cause she wants one, and who cares, right? Eventually, “Just fuckin’ fine. Have one. Whatever.” Plus, I don’t know, you need ’em. They represent you when… You know. You make ’em so they can be like, “That n i g g a was here.” You know? You die, you hope your kid’s still alive to be like, “They were a person.” You know, just represent you. I will do– I don’t know. I just think I’ma be bad at the shit, you know? Nobody’s good. Every parent sucks. If you’re out here and you’re parenting, you’re trash. No one does it right. Everyone fucks their kids up. Everyone makes a fucked-up, fucked-up kid. Everyone’s doin’ a little bit to fuckin’ damage the child. ‘Cause you were damaged, so how could you not, how could you not pass on the damage that was given to you? It’s just impossible. But you just keep enough of it. Like, “I could really fuck you up, but I’m only fucking you up a little, ’cause… there’s a lot that could go wrong, ’cause I’m really fucked up.” And you cough what you can, but everybody’s doin’ a shitty job. Everybody. The only way you know you’re doing an all right job is if your kids never tell you you were shitty, ’cause then they loved you, and you raised compassionate kids. If your kids are never like, “Hey, you fucked me up,” but just like, “You did a great job,” then you just raised good kids, ’cause they don’t wanna tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. If you got a kid who’s 40, still like, “I fuckin’ hate you!” you did a terrible job. That, and if you lose one of them n i g g a s, then– then you really failed. I think about that all the time. I don’t wanna be one of the ones that lose one of them n i g g a s, ’cause people be losin’ their kids… You lose one at a store, bitch, you suck. Shit! But I know I’ll be bad. I’ma be bad, ’cause no one– no one does this shit right. Everyone fucks it up a tad. No one trusts their parents. No one in here fully, a hundred percent trusted their parents, ’cause you seen your parents do fucked-up shit. You’ve heard ’em have fucked-up arguments, you know? You’ve seen their lives be in shambles when they thought they were keeping you from their lives being in shambles. They were trying to have those late-night conversations, which is, for a kid, like 10:30 at night. That’s when parents think it’s time to talk for real. ‘Cause they’re dumb. It’s like, no one’s asleep at 10:30, you idiot. You’re not asleep at 10:30. Everyone’s wide awake. They’re like, “Now’s the time to talk about it. Get down to the bottom of shit.” Everyone’s heard their parents yellin’ about some bullshit, like a $99 cable bill. “How are we gonna pay this?” “Your mother sucks!” “What is my house? I can’t trust anyone in this motherfucker.” ‘Cause parents like to present it like they got everything together. That’s the problem. Don’t lie. Stop coming like you got everything– You’re not good. Most of you start, 30 when you start. I’m 38. If I had a kid at 30, that n i g g a would be dead. You don’t know what you’re doin’. Be honest. “Hey, I don’t know what I’m doin’, but I’ma try to keep you alive. Sometimes, I’m not gonna be able to, so look out for yourself, little n i g g a. And let’s– let’s rock out.” “Let’s see if we make it.” Whoo!

But, no, parents, “I got everything under control.” Fuck you. No, you don’t. I remember I heard my mom and my dad tryin’ to have a fight about my dad usin’ crack. And my dad… My dad… My mom was tryin’ to whisper, you know? She was tryin’ to have a whisper-fight with the n i g g a, but you can’t whisper to a crackhead. They’re loud as fuck. So, my mom’s whisperin’, and then my dad goes, “Who seen me do the crack?” Which means, n i g g a here did it. Now you’re just tryin’ to identify witnesses. Are they credible? Are they not credible? But you fucking did it! Now I’ma tell my mom about a problem? bitch, there’s whole crack in the house. We got bigger issues! Stranger Things is a whole show about kids not trusting their parents. Like, if a Demogorgon’s after you, tell your mom! These little n i g g a s is like, “All I got is these walkie-talkies and these bikes. They’re my best friends. ‘Cause that bitch can’t handle shit.” I remember when I was 11, I thought I was gonna be abducted by aliens. I did. I was convinced, you know? I was like, “Aliens are comin’ to get my ass.” And it’s because, when I was 11, I grew up in the ’90s. If you grew up in the ’90s, you know aliens was a big thing. It was huge. It was big shit. It was. There was Outer Limits, there was X-Files, there was Unsolved Mysteries, and then every once in a while, the History Channel would just be like, “Did they build the pyramids?” And just fuck your head up on a Wednesday night. Just throw a whole curveball at your ass. “What? They could’ve built the pyramids?” “Crop circles. Were they here?” “Oh, my God!” So I was fuckin’ stressed out. And I got in the shower one day, and I felt my leg pulsate a little bit. I was like, “That’s the tracker. That’s where them n i g g a s is gon’– That’s how they’re gonna get your girl.” So I started doin’ karate in my room at night. “Yah! Aah! “Waah!” Watchin’ Last Dragon and shit. “Eeh! Eeh! Ugh!” Started sleepin’ with a knife and a hammer under my pillow. Every night, sleeping with a knife and hammer under my pillow, ready for the action, you know? I was like, “When they come, stab ’em, bash ’em, stab ’em, bash ’em.” Then, one day, I go in my room. My mom’s sittin’ on my bed. She’s like, “We need to talk.” I’m like, “What’s up?” And she’s like, “Who’s hurtin’ you?” I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Tell me right now. Who’s coming in here at night and doin’ something to you?” I was like, “What are you talkin’ about?” She’s like, “Look at me. I don’t care if it’s your father, I don’t care if it’s one of your brothers. You need to tell me right now, who’s doing something to you?” Which, what a mom, bro. Word! ‘Cause my mother showed me, “I got your back, no matter fuckin’ what.” Like, what a big move. ‘Cause what if it was one of my brothers or my father? That’s a crazy thing to have to hear as a mother, but she was ready to take that shit for me. She was like, “Tell me.” And I looked my mom in the eye, and I told her how I was gonna be abducted by aliens. Because I’m a genius. And you could see in her eyes that a part of her wished I was bein’ molested. ‘Cause that would’ve been easier to process. And if you don’t think that fucked me up a little bit…

Hey, y’all were dope as fuck. Have a good night.

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