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CONSPIRACY THEORIES: LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER [FULL TRANSCRIPT]

With conspiracy theories about coronavirus proliferating, John Oliver discusses why we’re prone to believe, how to distinguish fact from fiction, and what you can do to help others.
Conspiracy Theories: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Aired on July 19, 2020

Main segment: Conspiracy theories about COVID-19
Other segments:
 Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on education
Guests: Alex Trebek, John Cena, Paul Rudd, Catherine O’Hara and Billy Porter

 

Hi there, welcome to the show. Still taking place in what is the saddest man cave ever assembled.

Look, it’s been a busy week, from prominent twitter accounts getting targeted in a bitcoin scam to federal agents shoving portland protestors into unmarked cars to the Trumps becoming the first family of legumes. But we’re going to begin tonight with the coronavirus, the disease that’s wreaking havoc on the entire wor — wait a minute. Is that cake? Goddamn it! Fuck you, cake! Everything can’t be you!

Look, sadly here in the United States, covid cases have continued to climb, and a debate over what to do about schools has been dominating the news after kicking into high gear a little over a week ago.

[CBS Evening News] President Trump tonight once again at odds with his own medical experts as he continues to relentlessly push america’s schools to reopen.

[President Trump] Our schools, we want ’em open in the fall.

[CBS Evening News] He’s also threatening to defund schools that don’t open, though he has little power to do so, and criticizing the CDC’s school safety guidelines, calling them “very tough and expensive.”

[Mike Pence] We don’t want the guidance from CDC to be a reason why schools don’t open.

Mike Pence doesn’t think CDC guidelines should impede schools opening? Then what exactly are they for? These are public health guidelines. They shouldn’t be skimmed through and ultimately deemed inconsequential to our current situation. They’re not Mary Trump’s book. And the Trump administration’s insistence that schools should reopen full-time for in-person learning, regardless of local virus spread, has prompted questions like “what?,” “How?,” “The fuck?,” And “the fuck?” Again, but with more question marks.

Although some in the administration claim it really shouldn’t be an issue.

[Larry Kudlow] Just go back to school. We can do that. And, you know, you can social distance, you can get your temperature taken, you can be tested, you could have distancing. Come on, it’s not that hard.

Okay, real quick: fuck you, Larry Kudlow, you human cufflink. You can’t tell people to “just go back to school” without answering questions around how that can happen safely. In fact, the only question that Kudlow’s answering effectively there is, what would it would look like if someone made Rudy Giuliani exactly 0.001% hotter? Because safely re-opening schools is going to be incredibly hard. They’re not designed for social distancing, and years of budget cuts and the economic downturn are going to make it difficult for them to upgrade their facilities. And while this administration has repeatedly implied kids are at low risk of severe illness, A, we absolutely do not know that, and B, you know schools don’t just contain children, right? Lots of adults work in schools, many of whom are vulnerable. In fact, nearly a third of k through 12 teachers may be at higher risk from the virus because they’re over 50, some of whom are painfully aware of the risks they’re about to take.

Mary Strickland has been teaching middle school 22 years and she loves it, but the sign outside her fort worth home describes how the 53-year-old feels about going back. Terrified. Fearing the worst, she’s making end-of-life plans.

[Mary Strickland] I’m very concerned about my health, about my life, and that’s why my husband and I decided to write our wills.

That’s awful. Teachers should not go to work scared they might die. They should be scared of the usual teacher things, like not making enough money to eat or being made into a TikTok meme by one of their students. “I bent over in front of the skeleton to pick up my pencil, and now 10 million people are watching a video of me getting drilled doggy style by a bone man to ‘old town road.’ I hate my fucking life.”

So this is a tough, complicated situation that requires nuanced thinking. Which is why it’s so maddening to see it reduced to talking points like this:

I can promise you for many of our kids, keeping these schools closed is gonna hurt them far worse than the coronavirus can. France, Germany —

Go ahead, sir.

Denmark, Austria, Vietnam — even Vietnam has opened their schools. And we — and they’ve done it safely and we can too and we should too.

Well, first of all, the senator’s rocking a look there that can only be described as open casket realness. But second, he can sneer all he wants about how other countries have done this — “even Vietnam.” But the fact is, they’ve reopened under very different circumstances, gradually, and when daily case rates were low and dropping. When Vietnam reopened their schools, it had seen no community infections for nearly a month, whereas our new daily cases have reached 77,000 and rising. But I’ll give him this: there is real harm in not being able to reopen schools. At-home learning is a poor substitute, especially for those with limited internet access, or who require specialized support — and some kids rely on schools for important resources, like meals. Plus, parents are burdened, especially those who can’t work remotely and who have few options when it comes to childcare, a stress that falls disproportionately on women, especially women of color. Even those lucky enough to be able to work from home are finding this stressful and badly want their kids back in school. Trust me, I love my kids more than anything, but I’d send them to go study in Jake Paul’s house if it meant I could have my mornings back. But we haven’t made the issue of schools reopening a priority, something actually best summed up by Florida governor Ron Desantis, whose state is pumping out cases faster than anywhere right now. Listen to him explain why reopening schools has to be done for the sake of consistency.

We spent months saying that there were certain things that were essential. That included fast-food restaurants, it included Walmart, it included home depot. If all that is essential, then educating our kids is absolutely essential, and they have been put to the back of the line in some respects.

He’s actually right. We have prioritized things like opening restaurants and bars ahead of our children. And many advised that we go a lot slower, while unfortunately the Ron Desantii of the world ignored that advice, saying things like “go enjoy, have a drink, it’s fine.”

And it is almost impressive to watch a sitting governor try and make the argument “we were really dumb then, so the only fair thing is to also be really dumb now.” Because schools clearly don’t exist in a vacuum. And the best way to reopen schools safely is — if I may quote Ashish Jha, the director of the Harvard Global Health Institute — “live in a community that doesn’t have a big disease outbreak. That’s how you open up schools safely.” So many of the decisions that could make schools safe involve what we all do outside of them. And the frustrating thing is, the government could be helping there with things like consistent messaging on the importance of wearing masks, and possibly re-closing some non-essential businesses, while, importantly, making sure people are paid a living wage to stay at home. Because our response here is only going to be as strong as our weakest link, and other countries — France, Germany, Denmark, Austria — even Vietnam! — Know this. Why? Well, because understanding is — if I may quote Larry Kudlow — not that fucking hard. And now, this.

Announcer: and now, parents on television just want one thing.

I’m going to out myself as a pro school, pro if it is open I will send her.

I’m just trying to get people to take my children.

Take my kids back.

Speak one of those surveys they sent out, take my kids.

Please take my children.

Got to get my daughter out of the house.

Please send my kids back, please send the cards back to school.

You are having a day there in your household.

Oh, man, you heard that earlier?

* * *

Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns conspiracy theories, voted “definitely true” by “dipshit uncle quarterly.” You’re probably familiar with at least some conspiracy theories, like the claim that the moon landing was faked or the argument that the earth is flat and scientists are covering it up, a theory that led to this absolutely stunning YouTube video:

♪ operation fish bowl ♪
♪ there never was a south pole ♪
♪ we’re surrounded by walls of ice ♪
♪ and we clearly live inside of a glass dome ♪

Magnificent. And putting aside the factual inaccuracies, slant rhymes, shoehorned lyrics, and the bad Adele or solid Bjork impression, my favorite part of that is the comment, “holy crap, this is amazing! I’m going to share this around the world!” Which is, quite simply, perfect. But as you’ve probably guessed, the reason that we need to talk about this is that the coronavirus has created a perfect storm for conspiracy theorists, because their theories are everywhere.

Over the last few weeks, some people have been saying online that the virus is harmless or even that it doesn’t exist.

Numerous sites and groups online have been falsely claiming that this virus is a result of some sort of biological warfare, some sort of bioweapon, or even created by the pharmaceutical industry to try to sell more vaccines.

One particularly persistent falsehood? 5G mobile networks transmit covid-19.

You know, when they turn this on, it’s gonna kill everyone.

A woman in Britain called workers “killers” for laying 5g fiberoptic cables.

When they turn that switch on, bye-bye, mama.

Okay. There is so much wrong there, but most of all, the only time an English person should be saying “bye-bye, mama,” is when they’re physically leaving the womb. “Bye-bye, mama. Thank you for an excellent delivery.” And after that it’s, “yes, ma’am,” “no, ma’am,” and “thank you kindly for wiping off my shameful buttocks, much obliged.”

And those theories are just the tip of the iceberg. You might’ve seen this video of two doctors making a now-debunked claim that covid death rates were exaggerated, because it was all over Facebook a couple of months ago. Or maybe you came across “Plandemic,” a pseudo-documentary filled with a hodgepodge of conspiracy theories. In just one week, it was viewed over 8 million times, which is a shockingly high number. That means it’s been seen more times than this TikTok of a cat matching a piano’s pitch:

[scale playing] [cat meows c note]

Good cat. You deserve more views.

And the problem is, some online theories have already prompted some worrying real-world actions. Take the hashtag #filmyourhospital, which spread after some claimed the severity of the pandemic was being exaggerated and urged people to expose the truth. That, unfortunately, led to videos like this one, where a man angrily demands hospital staff show him their coronavirus patients and then shouts at them as he drives away.

Maybe you could call the governor and tell him about the hoax.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it’s a hoax. Where’s all the patients? Where’s the lines of sick people?

They don’t sit in our lobby.

Yeah, she’s right. And can you imagine how confused that man is when he tries to check into a hotel? “No vacancy? Where are all the guests? Where are the depressed salesmen attempting autoerotic asphyxiation in your lobby? Maybe you should call the governor of this Best Western and tell him your sign is a hoax.”

And the harms of conspiracy theories during a pandemic go far beyond confused hospital workers. As one study pointed out, “given the transmissibility of covid-19, these beliefs are dangerous even if only a fraction of Americans succumbing to them ignore best practices, such as social distancing.”

So tonight, let’s talk about conspiracy theories — particularly, why they’re so appealing, how to spot them, and what you might be able to do about it. And let’s start with the fact that these theories are a lot more popular than you might think. Polls over the years have shown that over half of Americans consistently endorse at least one sort of conspiratorial narrative. And, look, I’m not immune here. Embarrassingly, there’s a part of me that thinks the royal family had princess Diana killed. I know that they didn’t, because there’s absolutely no evidence that they did. But the idea still lingers, because it felt too big an event to be accidental. There had to be some intent there. And experts will say that that’s actually a huge draw of conspiracy theories — they help explain a chaotic, uncertain world and appeal to the human impulse to what’s called “proportionality bias,” which is the tendency to assume that big events must have big causes. Take the JFK assassination. That event shook the world, and the idea that a lone gunman could cause such chaos was inherently unsatisfying, so people, perhaps understandably, reached for a much bigger answer. Although it is revealing that, conversely, less impactful events have attracted significantly less speculation.

[Rob Brotherton, Academic Psychologist] The attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan was a similar event in all regards, except that the president survived. It was a smaller event in terms of its outcome, and therefore, we’re satisfied with smaller explanations. And so there have been almost no conspiracy theories about the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan either at the time or subsequently.

Exactly. And that kind of makes sense, doesn’t it? One man suddenly changing the world is inconceivable. One man failing miserably isn’t remotely surprising. Something which is, incidentally, the tagline for feminism.

And the appeal of conspiracy theories is such that people can even embrace ones that contradict one another. One study found “the more participants believe that Princess Diana faked her own death, the more they believed that she was murdered,” which sounds crazy—although if there is one expert on something being demonstrably dead yet technically alive at the same time it was probably the woman stuck in a loveless marriage with Prince Charles for 15 years…

The point is these theories have undeniable appeal and they’ve been particularly seductive during global health crises. In the 14th century, conspiracy theorists claimed that Jewish people were responsible for the bubonic plague; in 1890, a newspaper claimed the electric light was responsible for a global influenza outbreak; and in 1918, rumors spread that the German pharmaceutical company Bayer had tainted its U.S.-Sold aspirin tablets with the so-called Spanish flu. The only difference now is that our current pandemic is coming in the age of the internet, when it’s not only easier for people to do bad research and spread their results, it’s also possible for them to make material look startlingly authoritative.

In fact, take “Plandemic.” At first view, it looks like a high-budget true-crime documentary with fancy graphics and drone footage, and it deploys those techniques to tell the story of Judy Mikovits, a former scientist at the national cancer institute, who is depicted as a whistleblower on the scientific establishment. Here is how the film presents a key moment in Mikovits’ narrative, where she claims her enemies had her arrested without cause.

And so what did they charge you with?

Nothing.

But you were in jail?

I was held in jail with no charges. I was called a fugitive from justice. No warrant. Literally drug me out of the house. Our neighbors are looking at what’s going on here. You know, they search my house without a warrant.

Now that looks pretty compelling there. The police surrounding her house, using violent force, and eventually throwing her in jail without cause. But a few things you should know: first, she was absolutely criminally charged. As stated in a lawsuit she herself later filed over the arrest, “Mikovits was arrested on criminal charges.” And when a reporter pointed this out to her, she said she meant the charges were later dropped, adding, “I’ve been confused for a decade,” and that “I’ll try to learn to say it differently.” Second, while that arrest footage looks dramatic, it’s not actually from her arrest at all. It’s from “an unrelated swat raid” and is literally the first result you get when you search “house raid” on a stock footage website. Which is just ridiculous, because they’d simply worked a little harder and searched “house raid” on other stock footage sites, they could have found this video of a masked robber spanking himself, then flipping the bird, and dancing around like a maniac. And that’s not just objectively better than the clip they chose, it’s also exactly as relevant. And the issue isn’t just that the film misrepresents Mikovits’ backstory. It’s that, in doing so, they lend her an air of credibility when they allow her to make unchallenged batshit medical claims like these.

[Clip from “Plandemic”] Wearing the mask literally activates your own virus. You’re getting sick from your own reactivated coronavirus expressions. And if it happens to be sars-cov-2, then you’ve got a big problem. Why would you close the beach? You’ve got sequences in the soil, in the sand. You’ve got healing microbes in the ocean, in the salt water. That’s insanity.

Yes. It is. Everything you just said is insane. The idea that wearing a mask “activates your own virus” is absurd. In debunking it, politifact said, “there is no evidence to support this,” and then threw in, “we’re not sure what a ‘coronavirus expression’ even is.” As for the idea that there are healing microbes at the beach, look, I don’t want to be the depressing guy that tells you going to the beach won’t cure coronavirus. I will say, the beach is exactly three things, none of which are medicine: it’s sand that goes down your ass-crack, salt water that gets up your nose, and sun that burns your skin. The beach doesn’t cure anything except you being comfortable.

And incidentally, when we reached out to the director of “Plandemic” to cite our many issues with the film, he wrote back, not only saying he stands behind it, but asking, “in a country that marches to the chant of ‘believe all women,’ why is it that people are so quick to disbelieve dr. Mikovits?” To which the answer is, obviously, A, because she’s telling people good coronavirus prevention involves not wearing a mask and going boogie boarding; B, the phrase is “believe women,” not “believe all women”; and C, that’s not what that phrase is about. Because the point of the movement is not, “well, I guess we all have to take Rachel Dolezal at her fucking word now.”

And, look, I am well aware that, for some, even these criticisms of “Plandemic” will somehow be further proof that what it’s saying true. That’s actually a common trait of conspiracy theories — that they’re “inherently self-sealing,” with any criticism just becoming evidence that the whole thing is bigger than anyone could’ve imagined. Although I will simply say this: if I am in on this conspiracy, that means my puppet master is AT&T. And what makes you think they can pull off a global conspiracy when they can barely pull off a complete phone call? How would they even be sending me orders? Sprint?

The point is, these theories can be innately appealing, and thanks to the internet, can spread with ease. And all of this would be dangerous enough before you take into account that one of the most prominent spreaders of conspiracies on earth is the current president of the United States, because he’s been spreading them around for years, often with the excuse that “people are saying” them, and he’s “just asking questions” — something he’s done on bullshit claims like “Obama was born in Kenya,” “Antonin Scalia was murdered,” and that millions of fake votes were cast for Hillary Clinton. Conspiracies are sort of like ugly buildings and deeply tragic adult children in that Donald Trump loves to unleash them into the world and then refuse to take responsibility for them ever again.

And he’s been doing this throughout the pandemic, including just this week, when he retweeted a theory that the CDC and the media are lying about the virus to hurt his re-election chances. Trump has passed on so many conspiracies that news outlets have repeatedly called him the “conspiracy theorist in chief.” Although I would argue he’s not invested in any of the things he’s spreading; he’s only interested in amplifying whatever he thinks might benefit him. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the person with the clearest sense of just how deeply cynical trump’s use of conspiracy theories is is this guy:

[“The Rush Limbaugh Show”] When you get to Trump and his conspiracy theories, he does it in a really clever way. Trump never says that he believes these conspiracy theories that he touts. He’s simply passing them on. And it — it’s his way of jamming them up, it’s his way of teasing ’em, it’s his way of getting these conspiracy theories out there. So, Trump is just throwing gasoline on a fire here and he’s having fun watching the flames.

Yeah, Rush Limbaugh gets it — a sentence I never thought I’d say unless I was talking about toilet-transmitted chlamydia. But the thing is, right now in particular, there’s real harm in throwing gasoline on the fire, because people are going to get burned, making those flames not quite as fucking fun to watch. Because make no mistake here — people who have been convinced that covid was overblown have sometimes paid a steep price.

[WPTV] Around this time last month, Jupiter Rideshare driver Brian Hitchens was a self-proclaimed covid-19 skeptic.

[Brian Hitchens, Recovering from Covid-19] I thought it was maybe the government was trying something that — and it was kind of like a — kind of like they threw it out there to kind of distract us.

[WPTV] Fast forward to this week and Hitchens has a whole new outlook from his hospital bed:

[Brian Hitchens, Recovering from Covid-19] This is a real virus that you’ve got to take serious. My wife’s on the ventilator. She’s been like that for three weeks. And it’s tough, it’s — it’s sad.

Yeah, it is sad. And unfortunately, I don’t think he’s going to be the last person in this country to learn that a lot of what’s on the internet is bullshit the hard way.

So what can we do here? Social media companies are finally doing more to label conspiracy theories or limit their spread, but the truth is, they can only do so much. They don’t always have the expertise to litigate what is and isn’t true. And the sheer volume of material flying around makes it almost impossible for them to catch everything. And that’s been a challenge for us in this story too. We’re clearly only scratching the surface of what’s out there, and I’m sure if you look down at the comments section when this is on YouTube, you’ll find people saying, “how about the fact the virus was created as a bioweapon?” Or “what about Bill Gates’ plan to microchip me?” And it would take days to go through why each one is bullshit, and it still won’t address the ones that come up in the weeks and months ahead.

The fact is, it’s going to be incumbent on us as individuals to try and spot these theories and treat them with a skeptical eye before we believe them or, indeed, spread them around. And there are actually three basic questions you can ask yourself that could help in that regard. First, is there a rational, non-conspiracy explanation? ‘Cause remember the theory 5g towers are spreading coronavirus? Or, as that one woman so memorably phrased it…

When they turn that switch on, bye-bye, mama.

Exactly. It made the rounds, helped by images like these, showing maps of coronavirus cases alongside maps of the 5g rollout. And initially the similarity there does seem striking, until you realize those maps also look like ones of population density, which makes a lot more sense. Because that’s correlation, not causation. Wi-fi rollouts and virus cases will both be where there are a lot of people. In fact, lots of maps look like those maps. This one of domino’s pizza locations looks like a map of coronavirus outbreaks, and I’m pretty sure domino’s pizza isn’t causing it. Yes, their Wisconsin 6 cheese will give you a dry cough, fever, diarrhea, and covid toe, but not in the exact same way as the coronavirus, and knowing the difference is called “science.”

Now, the second question you could ask is, “has this been held up to scrutiny by experts? And if so, what did those experts say?” Because it’s not uncommon for theories to cite a single source — a doctor or scientist, like severely midwestern Diane Keaton here — making an outlandish claim. But it’s worth checking if most credible doctors or scientists agree with them. And if you’re thinking, “well, what if all of them are in on the cover-up, too?” That actually brings us to our final question: how plausible is this conspiracy as a practical matter?” Because not every conspiracy theory is fictional. Obviously, some have absolutely turned out to be true. But the very fact we know about the real ones actually teaches us something important.

One study looked at real government secrets, like the U.S. experimenting on the Tuskegee Airmen and Edward Snowden’s revelations about government surveillance, and found the reason they unraveled was because of the sheer number of people who had to keep them secret. They actually created an equation to predict how quickly other science-based conspiracy theories would have unraveled had they been true, finding that faking the moon landing would’ve required an estimated 411,000 people to keep quiet and would’ve broken down in just over three and a half years. Which does makes sense, because think for a second just how many people would have to be sworn to secrecy to keep a coronavirus hoax under wraps. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to organize, say, a mid-size surprise party for your cousin, but it’s borderline impossible to keep it quiet, because someone’s telling Roxanne, no matter how many emails you sent, “no one tell Roxanne.” Roxanne is finding out. And I know you may not find conspiracy theories plausible, but you also may know people who do. And while you can’t reach everyone, you can reach some. And now more than ever, it might be important for you to try. Which clearly isn’t easy — it’s completely natural to simply want to scream at them, “why do you believe this nonsense, you titanic idiot?” And I’d say “just show them this piece,” but obviously I’m not the best messenger. Within in the first 20 seconds of this story, I called your uncle a dipshit. And dipshits tend not to like that.

What experts say is that the most effective way to approach someone is not by shaming them for believing something or overwhelming them with counter evidence, but to try and be empathetic, meet them where they are, and nudge them to think a bit more critically. So to that end, we’ve asked some people that they might be more willing to listen to to help you start a conversation. For instance, let’s say your confused grandparents are passing around dangerous misinformation about not wearing a mask. They may not listen to me, but they might listen to the man they’ve been letting into their home every weeknight to calmly tell them what is and isn’t correct.

[Alex Trebek] Hi, everyone, the answer is: “Alex Trebek.” The correct question, of course: “who is that handsome man I’m looking at right now?”

Yeah. We got Alex Trebek to make a 90-second video gently urging anyone who watches it to be careful with what they encounter and share online. So you could show your grandparents that and then talk to them about it. But let’s say you’ve got a cousin who’s not a jeopardy fan. Maybe they like wrestling or “Fast & Furious” movies. Well, the good news is, John Cena’s got something to say to them too.

[John Cena] There’s a lot of official-looking stuff on the internet. Not all of it’s true. And there’s some stuff that seems false but isn’t, like this one: John Oliver and I are the exact same age. Yup, born on the same year on the exact same day. It seems impossible that two human bodies can age so differently, but it’s true. I checked. And it’s important you do that. So before you believe a theory about the pandemic or share any information about the pandemic, it’s good to know where that information is coming from.

Yeah. Both of those things are true. You should check information, and we are the exact same age. It’s a thing I think about every birthday. And it’s not just Alex Trebek and John Cena. We have an assortment of truly beloved figures, from Paul Rudd to Catherine O’Hara to Billy Porter, each of whom made messages to urge people to think more critically. Here’s just a taste:

[Billy Porter] What’s going on, my people! It’s me, Billy Porter.

[Catherine O’Hara] Hello, they are, I’m Catherine O’Hara.

[Paul Rudd] I’m Paul Rudd.

[Alex Trebek] Alex Trebek.

[John Cena] Hey, John Cena here, WWE superstar, actor, internet meme, dessert lover, and number 3 on your partner’s free pass list.

[Paul Rudd] I’m literally a superhero. The smallest one, but it still counts.

[Billy Porter] I know we are living in scary times.

[John Cena] Given the current state of things you’re searching for answers about the global health crisis. I think that’s awesome.

[Catherine O’Hara] That curiosity– that’s good, I’m curious too.

[Alex Trebek] If nobody ever asked questions, “Jeopardy” would be a very, very weird show, wouldn’t it?

[Billy Porter] But you have to be careful, ’cause there’s a lot of convincing-looking shit on the internet, and most of it ain’t true.

[Paul Rudd] You know, I once thought that I was dead because #rippaulrudd was trending.

[Alex Trebek] So before you go off and share something with your friends and family…

[John Cena] …it is good to know where that is coming from.

[Billy Porter] Is it a trusted news source?

[Catherine O’Hara] If you’re not sure, look to see if other trusted news sources and experts are saying the same thing.

[Paul Rudd] A good way to know if an idea or story that you’ve read about holds water is if a majority of trusted sources agree on it.

[Billy Porter] And finally, think critically.

[Alex Trebek] You are smart.

[Paul Rudd] You are smart.

[Catherine O’Hara] You are a smart cookie. I know. I know you are. You have the look of a scholar and the taste of a macaron.

[Billy Porter] Y’all got brains. Use them. Use it like it’s the first roll of toilet paper in a brand-new pack, unsparingly and with gusto! [Laughs]

[John Cena] You have common sense. Trust that part of your brain that guides you as you educate yourself during this difficult time, and trust that I’m doing what I can to hop to number 1 on your partner’s free pass list and number 3 on yours.

[Alex Trebek] Hey, be safe out there.

That’s all good advice! And to increase the chance that conspiracy theorists stumble on them, we’ve put their full videos online at thetruetruetruth.com. If you’re looking to start a conversation with someone, picking one of these videos is honestly a pretty good entry point. That’s our show. Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night!

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