Watch Urzila Carlson: Overqualified Loser on Netflix

[male host] Make some noise, welcome to the stage… Urzila Carlson!

[audience cheering]

[rock music plays]

[cheering continues]

You guys! See? This is why… [cheering softens] This is why people love Australia. ‘Cause you guys are just off the fucking nut. [audience laughs]

Just quickly, before we start… I just– [laughs] I feel like I want to share something with you. ‘Cause sometimes, right, audiences will send me gifts. Like, not this audience. [audience laughs] Honestly, sometimes audiences bring me gifts, and then they give it to the usher and the usher will bring it backstage and then I have to open it. Because I don’t have a crew of people that travel with me ’cause I’m not Adele. [audience laughs] You know, I don’t know how people imagine, like… I walked here tonight. The five blocks. [audience laughs] You know when you make that decision, you go, “It’s only five blocks, I’m gonna walk it”? And then after the third block, you go, “Fuck, I should’ve taken an Uber.” [audience laughs] Then you go, “It’s too late now, I can’t get an Uber now for two blocks, ’cause they’ll think I’m lazy.” [laughs] [audience laughs] [chuckles] You don’t want them to give you a two-star ’cause you’re lazy ’cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff.

[audience laughs]

“Yeah, I just sprained my ankle.” So I get this gift, right? I do a show in Auckland, and a woman sends a gift with an usher, and the usher brings it to the room. And now I’m gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell. It was just wrapped in brown paper. And– And it had a string around it, and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas. You know, you always get– Like your sister-in-law, she’ll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit. [audience laughs] And you go, “Okay, calm down. We know it’s bath salts.” [audience laughs] It’s like, “Christ, you just spent $45 on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift. [audience laughs] And we don’t have a bath!” [laughing continues] Not one of those strings, it was just an old shoelace. [audience laughs] So you know it’s dodgy when the usher sort of kicks the door open, throws the gift and goes, “That came for you,” and runs away. [audience laughs] So I look at this gift and I shook it and no powder fell out of it and it wasn’t ticking. [audience chuckles] I’m gonna open it. So I open the gift. And someone had sent me a moon cup. [audience oohs] Like, a new one, but a moon cup. Now, for those of you who don’t know what a moon cup is, ladies, if I can ask you to just turn to the men in your area… [audience laughing] …and just explain to them what a moon cup is so I don’t have to. Talk amongst yourselves. [audience murmuring] If you don’t know, ask the people behind you. They know.

[audience laughs]

Oh, I don’t know what’s going on there. There’s a lady in the back doing that… [audience roars] I don’t know what you’re explaining… [chuckles] ….but I think you’re doing it wrong. [audience laughs] For those of you who don’t know what a moon cup is, it’s basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha. [audience laughs] Like, you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit. You feel? But I knew. As soon as I received this gift, I knew I was in deep trouble ’cause I’ve got an inquiring mind… [audience laughs] …and I knew I was going to try it. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Now, I’m not going to go into detail, but let me just tell you, it’s not for me. [audience laughs] Let’s just say… Okay, you know when you’re unpacking the dishwasher, right? Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area and just explain what I mean. [laughs]

[audience laughs and applauds]

No, you know when you’re unpacking the dishwasher and you get to the kids’ plastic bowls and cups and you don’t take the time to individually dry each and every cup? You just kind of grab them, whack them and stack them away and then tomorrow morning, you have to feed those same children out of those bowls and you take it out and you’re like… [audience laughs] Yeah, that. [audience roars] So, no, it’s not for me. [audience laughs] I travel a lot. I’m on the road about 300 days of the year, and whenever I do go back home to Auckland, I always go see my GP and get them to do the once-over. Right, give it everything. Like, from head to toe, from head lice to ingrown toenails and everything in between. [audience laughs] They check the boobs, the smear. They even give you the flu jab, you know, ’cause science. Um…

[audience laughs]

I’m not going to tell you what to do with your life, you know, I’m just saying. We vaccinate ’cause we understand words and shit. [audience laughs] [chuckles] [audience cheers and applauds] Now, I understand that there might be some anti-vaxxers here tonight. ‘Cause when I did the show in Auckland, 13 people got up and walked out… [audience laughs] …and the whole auditorium went… [cheers, laughs] Like I was supposed to fight them or something. I’m like, “Leave them alone, they’ve got sick kids at home.” [audience roars] So, anyway, I go in, I see my doctor. She does what she can do and then she sends me off to the nurse. Now, our nurse, Nurse Barb, retired two years ago. Which is a good thing because she was, like, two years younger than Jesus, okay?

[audience laughs]

I’m not ageist. But the last two years, I also got a prostate check. [audience laughs] I didn’t hate it. [audience laughs] That’s why I went back the second year. [chuckles] [laughing continues] Anyway, I walk in, we’ve got a brand new nurse, Nurse Maniah, and, uh, I look at her and I go, “Hi,” and she’s lovely, she’s a lady in her fifties. Um… And I look around and I’m trying to find the gown. Because you have to put this gown on with an opening in the front because they’re going to be working on your entertainment area…

[audience laughs]

…right? Now, personally… I’m not a big fan of the gowns because they never close properly. You know, ’cause I’ve had a few big Christmases in my time. [audience laughs] Like, I don’t identify as fat. But I’ve definitely, you know… I’m– I’m quite a few meals ahead and a few shits behind, so… [audience laughs] [women cackling] And, you know, you don’t need to be a personal trainer… to know that if those two things don’t line up, you can never be your goal weight. [audience laughs] But I don’t see the gown, and Nurse Maniah goes, “No, no, I use a lavalava.” And I thought, “This is great, it’s basically like a sarong. Not only do I get a smear but I also get a cultural experience. I love it.” [audience laughs] So I take the lavalava off her, and now I wait for her to leave and close the curtain so I can, you know, take my kit off and put it on. So she closes the curtain. But she stays in there with me. [audience laughs] So at this point… I decide to decline the lavalava. She then takes it and biffs it on the desk, and I take my kit off and I hop on the table. Now, the protocol when going for a smear is you, the patient, must stare at the wall. [audience laughs] And her, the nurse, must stare at a speck on the curtain over here. [laughing continues] But never… do you make eye contact. [audience laughs] So, she starts, and I can feel her rummaging around. [audience laughs] Which is not what you want to feel at a doctor’s surgery, you want a… you want a confident hand.

[audience laughs]

You want– You want someone that knows what’s going on. And I could feel her rummaging around, and I don’t know at what point… do I act? At what point should I go, “Do you need help?” [audience laughs] [laughing] Too awkward, right? Or do I just keep quiet and guide her hand in? [audience laughs] Yeah, you’re right, that would be too much. [mumbles] [audience laughs] I didn’t have to do either of those things because she asked me something that was so left field that it knocked me, I had to think about it for a second. She goes, “You still a virgin?” [audience roars] [laughs] And I went… [audience laughs] “Say what, now?” I was like, “Oh… Oh, no. I’ve had the sex heaps.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Huh. Okay.” She then leaves the room. At this point… I’m regretting not taking that lavalava. [audience laughs] ‘Cause now I’m just lying on that bed like a frozen supermarket chicken… [audience laughs]; [breathing shakily] [laughing continues] …worried that someone might come in. They didn’t. She came back in a flash. She had a smaller speculum. [audience laughs] And she was at it again and she goes, “I’m just gonna ask you again.” She goes, “You sure you’ve had sex before?” I go, “Yeah!” I said, “I’m married, my wife’s waiting in the waiting room.” She goes, “Oh… [audience laughs] …I see.” [chuckles] She goes… [dramatically] “But have you had sex with a man?” I said, “Yes, I’m familiar with disappointment.”

[audience laughs] [audience applauds]

She says, “I’m just asking ’cause you’ve got the smallest vagina I’ve ever worked with in my career.” I went, “No shit!” I guided her hand in, she took the swab. I got dressed, I went in the waiting room and I go, “Come, babe!” To my wife, not to a stranger. I go, “Come.” [audience laughs] We walk back in. I said, “Nurse Maniah’s got something to tell you about my… [clicks tongue]

[audience laughs]

…entertainment area.” [laughs] [laughing continues] Nurse Maniah looks at her, she goes, “If I had to describe her vagina with one word, I’d say… petite.” [audience laughs] My wife immediately turns to me and she goes, “You cannot use this story on stage.” [audience laughs] I said, “Bitch… [audience applauds] …a medical professional just told me something on me is petite. I’m fucking telling everyone!” [audience laughs and applauds] [audience cheering and whistling] But that explains the moon cup, doesn’t it? [audience laughs] I needed a thimble. [laughs] [laughing continues] So this show is called Loser and I decided to write the show ’cause I was so… confused, like it’s always negative if you lose anything. You lose your keys, you lose your mind, you lose your dad: that’s negative. But you lose a bit of weight: positive. [audience laughs] And I don’t understand that. Like, if you lose half a kilo, strangers will applaud that. You can go out right now and go, “I lost half a kilo,” people will go, “Good on you,” and give you a high five. Which I don’t understand. If you truly love someone– If you love someone, don’t you go, “I fucking love you so much, I wish there were 50 kilos more of you”? [audience laughs] With everything else, if you love it, you want more. You love cake? Fucking give me more cake. [audience laughs] Or you love money? Give me more money. [laughing continues] I fucking love you? Less of that.

[audience laughs]

It makes no sense. Now, I know… I know I need to lose some weight. I know that. But I– I want to be very careful. I just want to lose enough weight so I can eat in public. [audience laughs] I just want to be able to eat a pie in public. [laughing continues] ‘Cause you know if you’re in here and you’re a bit of a chub, you know you cannot eat in public. [audience laughs] You will be judged, right? Like– Even if it’s a celebratory pie. [audience laughs] Even– [laughs] Even if your stomach stapling has been really successful… [audience laughs] …and to celebrate, you go to BP to get a pie ’cause they’ve got the best pies. That’s what their name is for.

[audience laughs, applauds]

[women cheer]

You go over there, you grab a pie and you’re outside eating that pie, like, “Nom-nom, 80 kilos gone.” You know some fuckwit in a ute will drive past and go, “Who ate all the pies?” [cackles] [audience laughs] And you have to go… [timidly] “I did.”

[audience laughs]

So I know I have to lose some weight. But I want to be careful ’cause I don’t want to lose too much and end up in porn. [audience laughs] ‘Cause you know that is a very real possibility. [audience laughs] If you’re hot. If you’re super… Like you are, you’re proper hot. Right? Like, you’re a beautiful couple. Do you work out together?

Yeah.

Of course you do.

[audience laughs]

I’m not fit-shaming you. But you’re a hot couple. Like, aesthetically, you’re quite pleasing to the eye.

[audience laughs]

Like, if you two came up to me in a bar and asked me for a threesome, I’d be in.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. And not just in a “hold the camera” kind of way. I’d give it my all.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] I would get so freaky, you two would be super impressed. Like, halfway through, over my naked butt, you’d just be high fiving each other, going…

[audience laughs]

“Fucking score on this one, eh?” [laughing continues] But you have to be careful. ‘Cause you’re beautiful, you could end up in porn. The rest of you, you’re fine.

[audience laughs]

‘Cause, you know, if you’re in a happy, healthy relationship and you’ve got a healthy sex life, at some point, one of you will turn to the other and go, “We should record ourselves.

[audience laughs]

You know, while we’re… [clicks tongue] You know?” And you will. If you’re going, “We’ll never do that,” your partner’s probably already doing it.

[audience laughs]

You may as well get involved. There’s a whole genre of porn of you not being in porn. So you might as well. [audience laughs] And then you’re going to go, “Okay, fine.” Then you’ve got to take your smartphone, you’ll prop it up somewhere in the room. And then you go at it. You go at it hammer and tongs, right? You give it your A-game ’cause you know you’re recording yourself. [audience laughs] Then afterwards you go, “Okay, go get it.” [audience laughs] He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it. He comes back and you’re excited. You’re like… [giggles] [audience laughs] “Oh, this is going to be good. This is going to be great, yeah. [blows kiss] [audience laughs] I love you.” And you hit play. [dry-heaving and gagging] [audience laughs] [loudly] “Why is my arsehole so dark? [audience roars] Why is it so hairy? [audience laughs] It looks like a tarantula is crawling out of a cave.” [laughing continues] [gags] You look at your body at an angle you wouldn’t normally see, performing an activity you wouldn’t normally see reflect back in a shopfront window.

[audience laughs]

You see things on your body that you wouldn’t normally see. You look at that and you go… [yelling] “Is that a nipple on my back?” [audience laughs] And your partner’s, like, super blasé He goes, “Yeah. [audience laughs] I thought you knew.” You’re like, “No, every time it’s cold, I think it’s the fucking label on my cardigan!” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “No, no. And when it’s really hot, it does that weird Barbie mouth thing, that…” [audience laughs] You look at that footage, it’s not natural. It’s your fat, pasty-ass white body plowing at pace… [audience laughing] …into another fat, pasty-ass white body… meeting abruptly in the middle. It doesn’t even sound good.

[audience laughs]

Like, in the heat of the moment, you don’t hear anything. But when it’s silent and you’re just staring at your white body with an extra nipple on a little screen, all you can hear… [smacking rapidly] [audience laughs] Like, “What is that noise? Oh, it’s your balls on my tummy.” [laughing continues] You look at that and you go, “Why am I fucking you? [audience laughs] Why are you fucking me? Let’s never do this shit again.” [audience laughs] Then you go, “Delete it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “I will.” “No, you’re fucking doing it now!” [audience laughs] [hisses] He deletes it. You double-check it’s deleted out of the recently deleted. [audience laughs] That couple then take that phone together, walk it out to the shed, take a hammer… [audience laughs] …smash it till there’s only powder left, take a brush, into a little plastic bag. [laughing continues] You drive from the top of the country to the bottom of the country and at every public toilet, you stop and you put some of that dust in the toilet… [audience laughing] and then you flush it just in case some IT genius is about to crawl out of his mother… to put that shit back together again and share it with the world. We are very careful. [quietly] But you two… [audience laughs] Not you two. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Yeah, let’s record ourselves.” “Yes, let’s. Let’s. Just let me finish moisturizing.” [audience laughs] [clicks tongue] And then you prop the phone up, and afterwards you go, “Go get it,” and he’s like, “Yeah, no worries.” [exhales sharply] [audience laughs] Don’t even need to get out of the bed ’cause that yoga is finally paying off. [audience laughs] Actually, that hurt my back. [pained] I don’t think I…

[audience laughs]

[laughs] Medic! [giggles] You take that phone. Like, “Let’s have a look at this. Oh, this is gonna be good. [audience laughs] [puckers] I love me.” [audience laughs] You hit play on that. You’re like, “Oh… [sexually] Oh, yeah, look at that! Look at that!” Like, “Holy shit. I’m glad we went for that two-for-one anal bleaching. [audience laughs] [gruff] We look amazing! We should get a blue light, let it light up.” [giggles] “This is phenomenal work. Yeah, wait, wait, my best part’s coming up. The dismount. [audience laughs] You go into a full triple back flip…” I’m not very good at sports talk, you know. [audience laughs] “Full splits onto my dick. This is lovely.” [laughing continues] You go… [laughs] You go, “Save that. Save that. We look phenomenal.” You go, “Let’s watch it tomorrow when we get back from pilates.” [audience laughs] [sighs] Tomorrow night, you get back from pilates. You’re like… [gruff] “Oh, yeah. [audience laughs] You know how I get all limber and into it. Now, let’s watch it.” So you watch it again. You go, “Fuck, we are beautiful. [audience laughs] We’ll save it. [exhales] We’ll watch it tomorrow night after my spinning class. [audience laughs] You know how I get after spinning class. [exhales sharply] When my perineum is still vibrating.”

[audience laughs]

I assume that’s what happens, I don’t know. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

I don’t ride a bike. I’m an adult, I’ve got a car. [inhales] [audience roars] [laughs] [audience applauds] And then you watch it again and you go, “You know, we are so beautiful. It’ll be a waste if only we get to see it. [audience laughs] We should upload it.” Then you load it up to Pornhub and we’re now all whacking off to you two… [laughing continues] …’cause we’re no longer fucking each other. [audience laughs] So all I’m saying is get ugly or get fat, or you’re going to be in porn.

[audience laughs]

You know your dad’s going to find it. [audience oohs, laughs] Yeah. Your mum won’t know what’s going on. [laughs] You know… [chuckles] You have not lived as an adult if you haven’t been at your parents’ house on a Sunday waiting for the roast, your mum’s in the kitchen you’re watching some trash with your dad, and then your mum just pops out of the kitchen going, “Hey! Can you have a look at the computer? It’s wiped the history again.” [audience laughs] And you look at your dad and you go, “Motherfucker! [audience roars] Can’t remember your Facebook login but know how to wipe the history, do ya?” [laughs] [laughing continues] And your dad’s like, “Oh, it’s all right, I’ll have a look later.” I bet you fucking will. [laughs] [audience laughing] So anyway, what I’m saying is I need to lose some weight. [audience laughs] I’m already panicked. Because I’m of the size, whenever they talk on the news about the obesity epidemic in Australia, I know I could be one of those arses walking in the street. [audience laughs] You know the one. When as soon as they start talking, they go, “We’ve got a dietician here. Um… The obesity epidemic in Australia…” And you’re like, “Oh, no. No, no, no. Where did they film today?” And when you… [audience laughing] When you see they’re in an area where you were, you’re like… [yelling] “No! [audience laughs] Oh, fuck off!” [laughing continues] ‘Cause, you know, it’s always you in your track pants. [laughs] [audience laughs] I see those fat people walk with these short steps like this. I’m like, “What the fuck are you doing? Stride it out, motherfucker! “

[audience laughs]

Have you guys ever watched that show The Biggest Loser? [all] Yes. You know when they came up with the concept for that show, there wasn’t a fat person in a ten-kilometer radius. Because it would’ve been a completely different show. When they came up with the concept, they were all sitting in a boardroom in their yoga pants, and they go, “All right, we’ve got $200 million. What are we doing?” And Karen in Marketing went, “Well… how about we take 12 fat people… [audience laughs] …and we put them in this fat farm scenario, and then we give them, like, six carrot sticks a day to eat… [laughing continues] …and we give them these really angry personal trainers.” Like you get them any other way. “We give them these really angry personal trainers to yell at them all day and make them exercise and then vomit up those carrot sticks.” [audience laughs] And everyone’s like, “All right. All right.” Even if there was a fatty in the room at this point, they’ll go, “Harsh. But watchable.” [audience laughs] [laughing] You’ve watched it. And then they go, “Okay, Karen, then what?” “Well, then we just monitor their progress. So once a week, we just put them on some scales in their cute little outfits. And then behind them, in giant red LED lights that they can’t see, we put the weight they used to be, their weight now, their BMI, and their sperm count. [audience laughs] And then we judge them like that.” Now, if there was a fatty in the room, they’d go, “Hang the fuck on,” at this point. They’d go, “Just a minute, just a fucking minute. [audience laughs] What are these cute little outfits you’re talking about?” [audience roars] She goes, “Oh. I thought, like, bike pants and sports bra?” “No.” ‘Cause you know what, if you’re over the age of two… [audience laughs] …you don’t look cute or good in ’em. [laughing continues] The only people allowed to wear bike pants and a sports bra are people under the age of two or if you’re in the Olympics. [audience laughs] That’s it. Tomorrow morning, if you wake up and you’re putting those bike pants on, go, “Am I over the age of two?” [audience laughs] If the answer is yes, then ask yourself, “Am I in the Olympics?” [audience laughs] If the answer is no, get the fuck out of those pants. [audience laughs, applauds] [chuckles] ‘Cause you know what the problem is with that outfit, especially for women of a certain age. Like, I’m in my mid-forties. You know what the hardest thing of my day is? Lining up my nipples.

[audience laughs]

I wake up every morning and when I put a bra on, it’s like doing two really complex Rubik’s cubes. [audience laughing] Oh, fuck it. Tuck it into your pants. [audience laughs] Well, Karen, you can’t tuck it into your pants when you’re not fucking having anything in the middle. It’ll look like a fleshy scarf. [audience laughs] Fat people don’t like to get weighed. That’s why we don’t skydive. [audience laughing] Well, that, and it scares the shit out of whoever has to do a tandem jump with you. [audience laughs] But… [chuckles] When you skydive, they weigh you. And then they write your weight on your hand with a permanent marker. [audience laughs] I don’t want to be telling people three days after my jump, “Oh. Oh, no, it’s not a phone number.” [audience roars] If I was in charge of making The Biggest Loser, it would look completely different. For starters, the people I would put in there. I’d put people in The Biggest Loser, those people who never say thank you for shit. Like when you’re driving and you give someone a gap and usually it takes a few goes to try and get them in the hole. You’re like… [audience laughs] And then they take it… and you wait for it. [audience laughs] But they just keep going. It’s like they take that gap and go, “Mine!” [audience laughs] What kind of animal raised you… [audience laughing] …that you would take a gap and not just put your hand up like that to thank the person behind you? That’s all you have to do. ‘Cause if you don’t thank the person behind you, you’re making it unsafe on our roads. [audience laughs] ‘Cause now I have to aggressively overtake you… [laughing continues] …to go get my good deed back ’cause you were raised by an animal. [audience laughs] It’s the same as when you’re driving and there’s a pedestrian crossing and you stop and a car there stops, and then the pedestrian walks past and they thank this guy and just walk past your car, and you’re like… [audience chuckling] “What’s going on here? [audience laughs] I’m doing what they’re doing. Where’s my thank you?” I reckon if they’re two thirds past your car and they haven’t started lifting their arm, hit them with your car. [audience roars] [woman cheers] Not to kill ’em. Just to knock ’em down so you can talk to ’em. [audience laughs] Then you hop out of your car and go, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this. I’m a medical professional. I’ve got a petite vagina.” [audience laughs] [laughs] You go, “Where’s my thank you, asshole?” [laughs]

[audience laughs]

Those people are all going on my Biggest Loser campl Or when you’re at work, right, and you’re in the lunchroom, you just want to eat your sandwich in peace. And then you hear it… [slurping aggressively] [audience oohs] And you look over and there he is. You go, “Jesus, Brian. [audience laughs] How about you just leave that cup of tea for a minute? That’s going to cool down to a temperature… where you can just go ahead and drink it. [audience laughs] Where it won’t sound like you lost your top lip in a violent accident. [laughing continues] And now you’re curving your bottom lip in a straw-like scenario, trying to suck a teabag out of the bottom of that cup.” [audience laughs] Brian’s going in The Biggest Loser camp. [audience laughs, oohs] Or that friend that we all have that have never let you finish a sentence. You’ve been friends for years and this is the only thing they’ve ever seen out of you. [stammers hesitantly] [audience laughs] Fucking Biggest Loser camp. Or any right-wing politician that has ever said anything so fucking stupid, it makes you want to headbutt a nail. [audience laughs] They’re going in there. You know the ones. Like– Like those people that can’t even take a mild egg to the head without trying to knock out a teenager. [audience cheers and laughs] [audience applauds and whistles] Get in the camp. Then what we do is we give them challenges that they cannot achieve, like keeping a cookie out of a fat kid’s hand. [audience laughs] If they fail, we give ’em paper cuts. [audience laughs] Now, I wasn’t raised by an animal, I understand that, you know, everyone’s not the same. Like, the tea slurper is not on the same level as the right-wing politician. So we cut them with different grades of paper.

[audience laughs]

The tea slurpers and the interrupters, they get 150 gsm. [audience laughs] Then the people who don’t thank you in traffic who have no manners, they get a 300 gsm gloss. [audience laughs] And the right-wing politicians, we cut them with X-rays. [exhales sharply] [audience laughs] And then we take chili oil and rub it in their wounds. [laughs] [audience oohs, laughs] -I know, I’ve got a lot of time to think. [laughing continues] That’s what I do when you guys are at the gym. [chuckles] People go, “Why don’t fat people just get off their fucking arses?” -‘Cause we’re thinking of this shit. [audience laughs] Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme. Maybe it’s more like… I just think, like, other things are bigger losers– Other people are bigger losers than actual fat people just losing weight. Like, say if you get in a car with your friend, right? They’re driving. You’re saying to that friend, “I trust you with the most important thing that I have: my life.” ‘Cause without it, you can’t do shit, right?

[audience laughs]

So you start driving, and ’cause you live in Melbourne, it starts to rain. [audience laughs] They don’t turn the wipers on. You know? All right. All right. I’m not going to be that person, but you know how vitally important it is for you, the passenger, to see where they’re driving. [audience laughs] Otherwise how do you know how to make the right… [inhales sharply] [audience laughs] You don’t want to say anything. So you just start scooching down in your seat a little. [audience laughs] Just a little. ‘Cause just above the dash, just under the wipers, there’s always a weird half moon that you can see out of. [audience laughs] But then you start to panic, right, and you think about that pillow that your wife bought about you living your best life. And you think, “Fuck, I do want to live my best life and I want to continue with that. I should say something.” [yelling] “Put the wipers on!” [audience laughs] And they go, “Oh, shit, I didn’t even notice it started raining.” [audience laughs] “You know you’re driving, right?” [laughing continues] And then because it’s Melbourne, five minutes later it stops raining. [audience chuckles] [squeaks] [audience laughs] [squeaks] They don’t turn the wipers off. Not only do they visually have something in front of their eyes going, “Oh, you’re fucking up here, mate…” [giggles] [audience laughs] …audibly, there’s a bit of a soundtrack, too. It gets so dry that it does that weird triple jump in front of you. [audience laughs] When it comes back, it’s like… [thumping] [laughing continues] You’re not safe. You need to undo your belt, open the door and tuck and roll. Just… [audience laughs] Those people are bigger losers than you. [laughs] But, you know, because we have social media, we put ourselves into situations where you feel like a loser. ‘Cause you look at other people’s amazing lives, right, ’cause they have these amazing filters and amazing bullshit on their pages that you start to believe, ’cause even though, intellectually, you know it’s bullshit, you know this person, they have a horrible life. But your eyes go, “It’s better than yours.”

[audience laughs]

And then you feel like a loser. But it’s not. It’s like if you show up 20 minutes early to a party, you’re not a loser. You’re smart. ‘Cause they usually have the food out. [audience laughs] They have the food out and they’re still doing the setup. So you can get involved. You go, “No, you carry on, don’t worry about me.” You look at their table, you go, “Guacamole looks good.” [laughs] [audience laughs] “I’m going to give it a go. [audience laughs] Just going to try it for her. Give her some valuable feedback if she needs it.” So you grab a chip. Now, you’re not a fool. You know to go in slow, right? [laughs] [audience laughs] You’ve been around food before. [laughs] [audience laughs] Don’t worry. When that chip breaks… [audience laughs] you’re so disappointed in yourself, you’re like, “How am I this age and I can’t nail a snack?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause now you know you’re in deep shit. You better get that chip out before she comes out. Don’t want to fuck up the table before anyone else gets there. You’re gonna take another chip. But you’re gonna take a strong one. You know, the… [audience laughs] No, ’cause you know the ones that are curved, the curved ones are structurally stronger than the others. [audience laughs] So, you take that curve. Also, pro-tip: they always have more flavor ’cause they’re sort of… Anyway, so… [audience laughs] So you take that chip. Now, you know, you’re not a fool. You’re gonna go low and slow. You’re gonna go low and slow, and you want to slowly curve it around the original chip. Just make it a little… You don’t want to go too close ’cause then it could structurally damage the… So, you just want to go… slight– When that second chip breaks… [audience laughs] …you question every decision you’ve ever made as an adult. “I should probably not be alone.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause now you know you’d better get that out before she comes out. You’ve got two chips in there. You’re not gonna take another chip, you’re not an idiot.

[audience laughs]

You’re going to learn from your mistakes here. You don’t want her to come out to two half dead chips in the guacamole with a fucking moat around it. [audience laughs] [laughing continues] [thumps] [audience laughs] When you’re second knuckle in, she comes out and busts you. [audience laughs] Like you’re at your high school dance… and you just lock eyes with each other. [laughs] [audience laughs] [laughs, snorts] [audience laughing] I love that slow realization. [laughing continues] Ooh… [laughs] [audience laughs] My hand’s still in the guacamole. [audience laughs] She walks out, she locks eyes with you. She looks at you, you look at her. She knows your hand’s in the guacamole, you know your hand’s in the guacamole. You look at each other, ’cause you don’t know at what point… should you pull your hand out. [audience laughs] There’s no time like the present so you just pull it out. Now the bigger conundrum. Do you flick it or lick it? [audience roars] She just stares at you, never breaking eye contact looking over to you, just taking the bowl, going, “I wasn’t that happy with it anyway.” [audience laughs] She walks in the kitchen, you can hear her throw it in the sink. You feel like such a loser ’cause you go, “It’s out of season for avos, that would’ve cost her $400.” [audience laughs] You’re not a loser, but what you didn’t realize that if you normally show up 20 minutes late, the guacamole’s been sitting on the table for 40 minutes slowly getting to room temperature, and then it’s smooth as anything. You can fucking lift it with anything out of that bowl. [audience laughs] You can lift it with hopes and dreams into your mouth. [audience laughs] You don’t know that because you’re not a chef. Neither am I, but I’m an enthusiast. [audience laughs] You’re not a loser if you say “no, thanks” to free stuff. I say “no, thanks” to free stuff all the time but now because we live in a time where there are people who are influencers and that is a job that just involves getting free shit all day, it’s unheard of when someone approaches you and goes, “You want something free?” and you go, “No, thanks.” Unless it’s a flyer or something. You’re like, “No.” [stammers] But I get offered stuff all the time and I go, “No, thanks.” And especially when I get on a plane, they always go, “Do you want the exit row?” Never business. Always the exit row. I go, “No, thanks.” [audience laughs] People– Ten people back will go, [aggressively] “Did she just say no to the exit row?” They’re so angry when I go, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I don’t need it.” I’m five foot three. My knees have never touched another seat. [audience laughs] ‘Cause I’m mainly torso, too. [audience laughs] Some airlines, my feet don’t touch the ground. [audience laughs] Give it to someone that needs it. I don’t feel I’m trained enough to sit there anyway. I don’t know where these air whores go to air school, but I haven’t been. [audience laughs] I don’t think it’s enough when they come up to you before the flight and they go, “Um… Did you read the A4 laminate?”

[audience laughs]

And I go, “No, I didn’t because it’s pictures on there. [audience laughs] And you don’t read a picture, you look at it. So am I now more trained than you? [audience laughs] Am I in charge of this flight? I’m just here for the snacks, mate. You can… You can put me near the toilet, I don’t care.” You’re not a loser. You’re not a loser if you wake up seven o’clock one morning and you go, “Hmm. Today’s a shit day.” [audience laughs] Well, you know yourself, you don’t need to live the whole day to know it’s gonna be a shit one [audience laughs] Sometimes you know before you open your eyes, you’re like, “Yeah, today’s a shit one.” [audience laughs] If you open your eyes seven o’clock in the morning and you go, “Fuck it. I’m getting blackout drunk by three…” [audience laughs] …then do it. Do it, it’s called self-care. Look after yourself. [audience laughs] Obviously, if that’s a decision you’ve been making for the last 15 years every morning… [clicks cheek] …you’ve got a problem. [audience laughs] But if you do it once every 18 months to two years and go, “Today’s that day,” do it. Why is it socially acceptable to start drinking at noon but not at 7:00 a.m.? [audience laughs] Like, if a friend rings you at 7:00 a.m., which would be weird, but if they ring and they go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “I just poured myself a wine.” [audience laughs] They’ll think you’ve lost your mind. But that same friend can ring you at noon and go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Oh. Just poured myself a wine.” They go, “Well, I guess it’s noon somewhere.” You go, “It’s noon here, Cara.” [audience laughs] I don’t know why we put that amount of stress on ourselves because of a few fucking hours. Like, the amount of times I’ve woken up and I’ve taken that box wine and I’ve put it on the kitchen counter… [audience laughs] …and I just look at it, and I’m like, “Should I take the tap out and let it breathe or…?”

[audience laughs]

‘Cause that’s always the hardest thing with a box wine. You have to get the cover off and then you have to get that tap, and it’s always real in the box. It’s like… You have to put your hand in so deep, I feel like I’m working on a dairy farm. Like… [struggles] [audience laughs] “I can feel a hoof!” You get that tap out. A hundred percent of the time, the hole always faces there. [audience laughs] You have to pull the whole sack open, sort of slowly get the tap down. I feel I lost some of you as soon as I said “box wine.” [laughs] [audience laughs] You go, “Fucking box wine?” [laughing continues] [laughs] I don’t care where you are in your life right now financially, but at some point, every single one of us drank box wine. [audience laughs] Yeah. [audience cheers and applauds] Maybe some of you are like, [formally] “I have never.” [chuckling smugly] [audience laughing] Yes, you have! If you’ve got bogan friends, you’ve had box wine. [audience laughs] [laughs] I love entertaining, right? I have people over to my house all the time. And then when they go, “What should we bring?” I always go, “Just your good self, doll.” And then what I do is I wash the labels off old wine bottles, and then I fill it with box wine. [audience laughs] [chuckles] And not to worry, I’ll even mix you a rosé. [audience laughs] I do the whole shebang, right? [laughs] So… Not once in all these years have anyone during dinner gone, “Excuse me. What fresh hell are we drinking here tonight?” [audience laughs] No, they usually go, “Mm! Where did you get this one?” And I always go, “On my travels.” [audience laughs] And they assume… around the world. But just to the liquor store. [audience laughs] I mean, they know the next morning. Because you know the next morning after… [laughs] …a box wine, that hangover is completely fucking different to a good wine hangover. [audience laughs] You wake up after a good wine, right, and you have that hangover, you wake up, you’re like, “Woo! Oh, that Central Otago 2009, that… [audience laughs] …that pinot noir nutty goodness is going to come back and bite me at around 3:30. [laughs heartily]

[audience laughing]

[hearty laughing continues] But you know with box wine, you open your eyes, you’re like, “Woo! [audience laughs] Satan fucked my skull last night. [audience roars, applauds] And he’s got a giant penis.” [chuckles] [audience laughs] You’re not a loser. Drinking box wine is good for the whole family. When you’re finished, you whip the box off, you give that to the cat, he plays with that. You blow up the bag and the kids play with that. You’re fucking mother of the year. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] Yeah. You’re not a loser… if after you’ve been to your mum’s house, maybe you’ve had a massive feed, you’ve had seconds, she’s given you dessert. She’s even given you some leftovers in a little plastic bag because she doesn’t trust you with her Tupperware. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Now you have to drive with a plastic bag of spaghetti next to you. [audience laughs] [giggles] “Fuck, I hope I’m not in an accident. This is going to be hard to explain.” [laughing] [audience laughs] You’re full, and then you drive to the hardware store quickly ’cause you need a new tool belt. [audience laughs] [sighs, laughs] [audience laughs] As soon as you get out of the car, you smell it. You smell that sausage sizzle. You’re like, “Yeah.” When you get on a plane, right, you’re not hungry, you just had a nine-course dégustation. You’re chockers. You go, “I’m so full.” But as soon as you hear the wheels on the food cart, you panic!

[audience laughs]

You panic, you’re like, [yelling] “Chicken! Oh.” [audience laughs] That’s what it’s like when you get out of your car at the hardware store, you’re like… [sniffs] [longingly] “Yes.” Like, you’re not there for the cuisine. [audience laughs] Let’s not fuck around. That’s not good food. You know those sausages are basically vegan. [audience laughs] They’re made from wood chip and goat spit… [audience laughing] …and the goat donated the spit. He just looked at that and went… [spits] “I’m not eating that.” [audience laughs] But it’s because there’s so much joy around there. As soon as you get it, you look at those people and they’re always happy, ’cause it takes a certain personality to go there every week and fucking turn sausages. [audience laughs] You look at them, they’re like… [laughing continues] [sighs] I want to be around that joy. You rummage around the car for a gold coin, you walk up to them, you give them a gold coin and then you… [thumps] …pop out your hand. There are very few instances where you as an adult can go up to another adult, put out your hand and go, “Put food on that. [audience laughs] I’ve already got a bag of spaghetti in the car.” [laughing continues] They then take a napkin, put that in your hand, and then they put the thinnest white bread you’ve ever seen in your life on top of that. We call it magic bread at my house ’cause it’s impossible to put any spread on it. [audience laughs] You can try. But as soon as you do… [thumps] …the middle’s gone. [audience laughs] You can’t even find it in the house. It’s just gone. You just have this weird frame of what bread used to be. [audience laughs] So you’ve got your napkin. They put the magic bread, then they put some onion, some fried-up onion, and then they put the sausage, and then… [sputters] …tomato sauce over the top of that. It’s never-been-near-a-tomato sauce, let’s be fair, that shit glows in the dark. [audience laughs] Now you’ve got your food in your hand. Now, pro-tip: What you want to do is you want to go ahead and curve it. [audience laughs] You want to curve that whole scenario like this, ’cause if you keep it flat, it’s very hard to eat.

[audience laughs]

If you keep it flat, it’s called a situation. [audience laughs] But the minute you roll it, you’ve got a meal. [laughing continues] Now you walk into the hardware store and you look for other people like you. You look for the other sausage people. When you see them, you’re like… [exhales in relief] [audience laughs] [inhales] “We make the same decisions. [audience laughs] We’re here… [laughs] …and we both have these. Yeah. [audience laughs] On your… No, tool belt. Tool belt, I mean.” [audience laughs] Then you start eating and something magical happens as soon as you walk away from that barbecue. The onion is now freezing cold. [audience laughs] But the sausage will increase in heat. There’s… [audience laughs] I think it’s the glue that holds it together. [audience laughs] So you want to approach that sucker with caution when you eat. You approach with your teeth, like a hot potato, so you can breathe through the back of it. Like, get some air on that thing. [audience laughs] [sucks in air, exhales sharply] It’s a very toothy approach, like your first blowjob. [audience laughs] You walk through the shop, you’re about halfway through. You look and you go, “Fuck, I’m eating the napkin too.” [audience laughs] You’re not a loser, that’s where the nutrients lie. [audience laughs] [chuckling] But then… we do start… Do we have a snorter? That’s great! [audience laughs] I love how everyone’s, “It’s this lady here.” [laughing continues] [laughs] It’s like… It’s not like she had a shit on the seat. [audience laughs] I’ll just get some water. I’ll just be walking over here, getting some of this every now and again. You know, whenever I take a sip like that, the wardrobe lady is downstairs going… [muttering softly] [audience laughs] …just in case I spill some of this water down my tits.

[audience laughs]

‘Cause if you know me, there’s a hundred percent chance that I can do that. This wasn’t the top that I was supposed to wear tonight, but… [sighs] …I had a top that matched the pants. [audience laughs] But it’s got about half a liter of butter chicken on it. [audience roars] [chuckles] So, yeah, decisions were made. [exhales] [audience laughs] [laughs] I said to them, I go, “Just let me wear the stained top because realistically that’s how people will be seeing me in the future.” [laughs] [audience laughs] It is very rare to see me in the street without food somewhere… on the tatas, but, um… [audience laughing] [clicks tongue] Apparently, that’s a big fucking no-no. All right, uh… [laughs] …here we go. Now, there are things that we do that we think we’re nailing and we’re not. Like thongs. Jandals. [audience chuckles] Flip-flops. Plakkies. That’s what we call them in South Africa. You know, we will never have world peace… unless we can agree on a name for these shoes. [audience laughs] Nowhere where you go in the world are they called the same. You could get on a plane right now, fly somewhere you’ve never been before, get off, go to a shop and go, “Excuse me. I’m looking for those summer shoes… [audience laughs] …that you can get your toes through like that. And then, “Oh, you’re talking…” [hoots sharply] [audience laughs] We don’t even question why the fuck it’s called that. We just go, “Yeah. I was hoping to buy some blue…” [whines sharply]

[audience laughs] Now, the thing with those shoes, they don’t come with instructions, and the thing is, they really should. [audience chuckles] ‘Cause I never owned a pair of those ’cause I grew up on a farm in South Africa where we have snakes and scorpions and shit. So, you can’t have any of that. So the first time I ever bought a pair of those was when I was in my mid-thirties, thirteen years ago in New Zealand. And no one stopped me. Like, I bought them, no one, as I got to the door, went, “Hey. Have you used those before?” [audience laughs] You go, “No, I haven’t.” “Come here. Hey, just so you know… if a drop of moisture gets on the inside of that shoe… [chuckles] …you’re dead. [audience laughs] Oh, and if a drop of moisture gets on the outside of that shoe… [chuckles] …you’re dead. [audience laughs] Oh, and don’t think for a second that you can run… [audience laughing] …from your car… during a thunderstorm… [audience laughs] …into the mall… where they’ve gone ahead and tiled it. [audience laughs] ‘Cause whether you’re physically prepared or not, you’re gonna do the full fucking splits.” [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh, okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool… Cool.” As you walk out, they go, “Oh, one more thing. Just so you know, those shoes? [laughs] They’re only for forward motion. [audience laughs] We call them one-directional. [chuckles] [audience laughs] Yeah. Oh, you want to take a step to the side? [laughing] You’re dead.

[audience laughs]

You want to take a step back? My uncle tried that. He’s dead.” [laughing continues] Those shoes are so complex, man. They should come with a warning and someone to live with you for, like, a week after you buy them. I bought a pair, my wife and I took our two kids down to Fielding, where she’s from. It’s a small farming community in the middle of the North Island of New Zealand. [man cheers] It’s not as exciting as that person makes it out to be. [audience laughs] Like, nothing happens there every half an hour and it usually lasts about an hour. [audience laughs] So we took our kids and we showed them around a bit and then after two minutes, we were done and, uh… [audience laughing] I… I went and strapped my two-year-old back into the car, you know, his little vaccinated arse back into the car seat. [audience laughs] And I forgot that I was wearing these death booties, right? So you know the movement after you strap them in, you have to take a side step so you can close the door ’cause they’re too weak to pull the door shut, aren’t they? [audience chuckles] But as soon as I took that side step, my body just went, “Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and, uh… [audience laughing] …go ahead and put you down at this point. [audience laughs] Uh… You’re gonna go on your ass.” And my brain just went, “I… I can’t stop this. You, uh… [audience laughs] You are on your own.” I was falling down so slowly that I had time to move shit out of this pocket to this pocket. [audience laughing] I could move my handbag over and I was just walking it out. Just walking it out. I fell over so slowly, my wife had time to walk around the car, look at me and go, “What are you doing?”

[audience laughs]

I said, “I’m falling over.” [audience laughs] She took out her phone, took a few photos of me and sent it to everyone in our WhatsApp group. And I learned something valuable that day. I learned that I’m officially at the age-weight ratio where I no longer fall over. [audience laughs] I had a fall. [audience laughs] You don’t know when it will happen to you. Even five years ago, my friends would have gone, “Were you drunk?” [snickers] [audience laughs] Now I get all these concerned emojis and… [audience laughing] “Mate, are you all right? I believe you had a fall.” I’m like… [laughing continues] “No, bitch, I was wearing my death booties. I forgot.” The other thing that we think we’re nailing and we’re fucking not, are puffer jackets. And especially… [laughs] [audience laughing] …especially Melbourne, you are so bad for puffer jackets. You know, today, I would classify today’s weather as mild. Like, if you were one of those people that can feel the chill, maybe a long-sleeved T-shirt is for you. [audience laughs] You know what I saw today? Two ladies walked past me and both of them had those puffer jackets that come down to mid-calf. Zipped up. [audience laughs] I mean, that is a bold fucking statement if you zip it up. Sometimes you go, “Look, I had it at work, my hands are full so now I’m carrying it home and it’s open so I still get a breeze on.” When you zip it up, you’re saying to people, “I’m fucking cold.”

[audience laughs]

But I looked at those women and I thought, “What have you heard?” I mean, honestly, wouldn’t it just be spectacular come three o’clock… [puffs air] …massive storm, we’re up to our earlobes in snow. [audience laughs] And just these two bitches going, “Fucking knew it.” [audience laughs, applauds] They designed those jackets so people in Antarctica don’t freeze to death. Like, if you’ve got a colleague who’s a sherpa, you need to get one of those. [audience laughs] But if you’ve got a colleague named Brian who can’t cope with a cup of fucking tea, you’re fine. [audience laughs] Light layering is in your future. Get a cardigan and a scarf. You’re fine. So confusing when I come here ’cause I always fly into Australia then go straight to the hotel. It’s all air conditioned. And then at some point, I go, “I should go for a walk, I wonder what’s happening with the weather.” And then you look out the window at the people in the street and you go, “Yeah. [audience chuckles] It’s impossible to tell.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause two thirds of you are wearing puffer jackets with shorts and death booties!

[audience laughs and applauds]

I don’t know what’s going on. We preparing for snow or backyard cricket? [audience laughs] You know, we all do stupid shit on a daily basis. That doesn’t make you a loser. Just ’cause you’re having a tough time in your life doesn’t make you a loser. I think the only true losers in our society are those people who go online and attack people for shit that they cannot help. Like, if you’ve ever gone online and attacked someone for the way they look, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like– During the Olympics, right, a woman won a gold medal. I read the article, good on her. And then I had a brain fart and I clicked on the comments section. [audience laughs] If you want to lose hope in humanity, click on the comments section of your newspaper and just read that. The very first comment said, “Yeah, good on her, but what a dog.” [audience oohs] I clicked on this man’s profile and I thought, “He’s no oil painting. [audience laughs] Unless someone smudged him at birth.” [audience laughs] Like– The confidence you’d need to rock… If you’re gonna attack someone for their looks, you’d better be fucking hot. [audience laughs] Not even average looking. Fucking smoking hot. [audience laughs] ‘Cause then if you click on their profile, “Yeah, all right, fair call.”

[audience laughs]

But I don’t understand attacking someone for their looks because it’s not like she made herself. Like, if we made ourselves, we’d be stunning. I would be so beautiful, you wouldn’t be able to look at me. [audience laughs] I wouldn’t need to be introduced by anyone. You’d know I’m coming ’cause you’re coming. [audience laughs] Yeah. [audience applauds] He’s going, “Oh, she’s coming ’cause I’m coming!” [laughing and applause continues] [man cheers] If you truly have a problem with the way someone looks, look up their dad on Facebook and go, “Hey, bro, what happened?” [audience laughs] Or attacking someone for their sexuality. ‘Cause you know that’s not a choice. Oh, God. You know that’s not a choice? [audience laughs] [chuckles] I thought, “Fuck me, this is the audience… [laughs] [audience laughs] This is the audience that’s gonna break me,” like, “It is a choice. [audience laughs] We’re here from the Baptist Church and, uh… [laughing continues] …we believe it is a choice and you’ve been making the wrong choice.” [laughs] [audience laughs] “We’re here to put hands on you.” [laughing] You know it’s not a choice. Sexuality is not a choice. If it was a choice, there wouldn’t be a straight woman alive. [audience laughs, applauds] Like, no offense to men. No offense to men, I love you guys, but have you seen your balls? [audience roars] [laughs] Those aren’t your biggest asset. [laughs] [audience laughing] [chuckling] They’re an acquired taste.

[audience laughs]

I reckon the first– If it was a choice, if sexuality was a choice, the first time a woman walks into her room where there’s a naked man, she’d go “Oh. [audience laughs] Oh… Oh… [stammers] Uh… [exhales slowly] [laughing continues] I’m gonna go look for some puss. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m gonna leave you with that.” [audience laughs] Do you know how hard it is to explain what balls look like to a gold-star lesbian? [audience laughs] Do you guys know what a gold star is? [woman cheers] Okay, a gold star is a gay person who has never slept with anyone from the opposite sex. They only sleep with their own kind, the way God would want it. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [laughs] So– Oh, wait, actually, gay dudes can be platinum stars. They are ones that have never slept with anyone from the opposite sex and they were born via cesarean. [audience laughs] So, even on the day they came out, they had a look and went, “Fuck no! [audience laughing] Take me out through the sunroof!” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [chuckles] So… Do you know how hard it is for me to explain to a gold-star lesbian what balls look like? ‘Cause I’ve seen a fair few in my fucking time. [audience laughs] I go, “Well, basically, it’s like… [stammers] It’s like… [laughs] [audience laughs] It’s like… two rotten kiwi fruit… [audience laughing] [chuckles] …had a baby with some old tea bags and they just keep getting longer and longer and longer. You guys have been amazing! Thank you so much for having me. [audience cheers] Thank you, Melbourne! [audience applauds] [rock music playing] [applause continues] [cheering continues]

https://www.netflix.com/title/81177697