Well, I started when I was fourteen, that’s when I figured it all out.

Wow, ten more years ahead of me.

Yeah, but I have a short attention span, I’ve been thinking about quitting. I want to do something else.

You know what my first job in the workforce was? I had to put on a fucking cookie costume, and hand out fliers on capital hill for a restaurant, called “The Cookie Bag.”

“The Cookie Bag”?

In the middle of August.

And what kind of cookie were you dressed as? Was it a chocolate chip cookie?

It was a poor, hot, angry-Assed Chocolate chip cookie.

HBO Comedy Half Hour

Dave Chappelle

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from San Francisco, please welcome Dave Chappelle!

Thank you, thank you all. Thank you. What’s up San Francisco? I like your city. It’s a beautiful, tolerant place. I didn’t see much. My friend called me and was like “Dave, having fun in Frisco?”

“Hell yeah!”

“Seen the sites?”

“No.”

“You wanna go see Alcatraz?”

What kind of nigger in his right mind wants to visit a prison for recreation?! I got friends in jail, I don’t visit. I don’t deal with jails.

Don’t deal with jails and I don’t deal with police. My house got robbed in New York. I didn’t even call the police. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. My crib is too nice. It’s not that it’s too nice, but, it’s too nice for me. You know how the police are in New York. Soon as I open the door, they’ll be like, “He’s still here! Open and shut case, Johnson. Apparently, this black guy broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Never seen anything like it!”

I don’t deal with them man, I had to bail a friend of mine out of jail one time, you know, that was horrible. I was scared. I had to walk right into the belly of the beast. I tried to look as non-threatening as possible.

[High pitched voice] “Hi… I’m here to bail out my buddy.”

“Oh, okay… Well, while you’re here, you do fit a description. If you walk this way we can process you.”

It’s how they always get us. It’s fittin’ those damn descriptions.

I could be bitter and blame all the police, but no. I’ll tell you who I blame… It’s those fucking sketch artists. They keep drawin’ the same brother over and over again. Who is this generic man we all look like? I want to know what they say when it’s us. They’ll be in their room like…

“Did you get a look? Do you see the guy that tried to rob you?”

“Yes, yes I did. He was about six-feet-tall I’d say.”

“Six-Feet-Tall?”

“Yes. He had his hat on backwards too.”

“Good, that’s good stuff… Hat was on backwards.”

“Yes. He was black.”

“Okay, big lips, big nose, dick hanging out? Say no more sir. I’ll draw him from memory. Let me get my stencil, I think we can trace this guy and save some time. Let me get on the radio and shit…”

[Voice over radio] “Calling all cars, calling all cars… Be on the look-out for a black male between 4’7″ and 6’8″, between 120 and 380 pounds. He’s wearing Nikes, get this man!”

Criminals are insane.

I don’t even know why people do crime. They want to catch you, they’re gonna catch you. They can. They got forensics. You ever seen forensics? Those guys find clues nobody else thinks about looking for. I mean it. You leave a pubic hair anywhere near a crime scene, they’re gonna find that shit.

[Voice of a policeman on the crime scene] “What the hell is this? Back up! We got a match.”

They look at the pube and tell all kinds of information.

“Looks like there was a struggle, uh… Time of death, 3:07.”

It’s amazing! I saw them get a dude one time on Court TV, it was embarrassing. It was, it was a sexual assault case. I knew the defendant was lying, I could feel it. He defended himself too hard. His answers had nothing to do with the questions, completely irrelevant. They asked him easy questions.

“Were you anywhere near the crime scene on the night of the incident?”

“Motherfucker I told you I work at Burger King!”

That went on for hours. Then the prosecutor got fed up, said, “I’ve had enough of this.” Called the forensics to the stand. Forensics was like “Your honor, “We are prepared to testify that we found the defendant’s semen, under the stove.”

I said, “godamn! That’s worse than fingerprints! They find your semen, you’ve been there at least a minute!”

But that’s what I want to know, under the stove? You find semen like that? Or do you look for it? Like do they walk on to a crime scene like “This place is a mess! Check it for semen!”.

Or do they just walk in and slip… “Oh my god, what the hell was that?! [takes something to his tongue] Semen!”

They find it on every crime scene. What are burglars doing?

“We got the stuff, let’s get out of here.”

“Wait a minute! I want to leave my calling card… [simulates jerking off] The semen bandit has struck again!”

I don’t understand nothing anymore. I don’t. I watched TV the other day, now tell me, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m crazy, is it me? Is it me or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? I don’t even know what a fuckin’ commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. Have you seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, she’s crying, she’s like, “I smoke crack. And my husband beats me!”

And then a voice came on and said, “Got milk?” I said “what the…?!” That has nothing to do with milk! I’m not saying I’m a commercial expert but I’d make a better milk commercial than that. Make it nice and simple, I just do a close-up of a titty. And put milk right underneath. And if that doesn’t sell milk, nothing will, I’ll tell you that shit right now.

This is 1997, titties are industry, 1997. They are, I know they are, I’m a customer. I went to a titty bar last week At three o’clock in the afternoon. Now that’s bad, that is bad. Because it wasn’t like I was out, “Let me swing by the titty bar.” No, no, I left my house specifically to see some tits. Can’t judge me, there’s breasts in there. It’s just what men do. If a guy runs up to you on the street, “hey, hey, don’t go in that building, there are naked girls showing their breasts.” It’d be like a white dude in a horror movie. “I better investigate. I’m gonna want to see for myself.”

Titty bar is a weird place. I’m not saying it’s a good place to hang out, I go there every once and then. But it’s a weird place, they got weird morality.

One time I walked into a titty bar, All these guys are coming in, right? Out of all the dudes the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me.

“Hey, hey, hey buddy! Sir, sir, you wanna take your hat off, huh? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.”

“Yeah, I can shove a $20 up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it?!”

“Sorry about that buddy. Here you go bubbles, ppffttt! Forgive me for the hat thing.”

You know why those bars are so popular now, is because men don’t know how to deal with women in reality. So sometimes we gotta take the fantasy road. The reality of the situation is very grim. Women have made a lot of progress in a short period of time, man, it changed everything. Can’t deal in relationships anymore. I broke up with my girl, I’m out of shawshank, I’m free. I don’t wanna go back. I couldn’t even argue with her. You should be able to argue. If you have an issue in a relationship, you should be able to argue that issue out, right? You see ladies, You gotta stick to the fucking issue. You guys take arguments everywhere just to win ’em. That’s why nothing ever gets done. You’ll be arguing about the dishes, “Baby, baby, could you wash your dish at least before you put it in the sink… “… Premature ejaculator! “Dammit! “Why you gotta bring that up?” I don’t even believe in that, I don’t! If I cum man, it was right on time, that’s the way I see it! As far as i’m concerned, I can’t cum fast enough! I’m sick of being vilified all the time. “David, how could you? “How could you cum? “I was fucking! “What were you trying to do, huh? “Cum? “Well, I beat you! “You gotta work on your time baby, I’m down to a minute, twenty!” Don’t get mad at me Because I have different goals in sex! I’m a speed fucker. Just trying to hit my best time, like the Olympics. And now for the dismount…

It wasn’t all bad. It’s never all bad, he won’t stay if it’s all bad. No, that’s not true, but I wouldn’t. We had fun, we used to watch porn together, That’s how cool she was. It seems nasty, but it’s fun. We learned about each other. She learned about me. One time we was watching porn, I’ll never forget this time, the first scene in this movie was hard-Core. Two guys, one girl, going at it. I fast forwarded right through that. It was too much for my senses. The scene after that was these two girls and this guy. You know I stopped for a minute. I had to see what this was all about. And she noticed. She said “what is that? Why does that disgust you? “Two men and one woman, “The men aren’t touching each other but the women are. “The two women touch each other, “The two men don’t touch each other, “Why is that nasty to men?” And I’ll tell you why… Now ladies, you can call me crazy But I think every straight man has a rule. That would be “the one penis per fantasy rule”! My dick is the star of my fantasy. Nobody else’s dick is guest starring in my shit! This is a Dave Chappelle joint. You gotta look at the whole picture man. You got two girls and a guy in a room together, Boy, that’s something else. That’s holding and hugging, friendship and helping. Teamwork at it’s very, very best my friends. You get two guys and a girl in the room, it’s the wrong kind of teamwork. Down right brutal if you ask me.

“I’ll pull her hair! “I’ll smack her ass!”

Poor woman looked like a chicken on a rotisserie! “Help me!”

My life, There’s too much shit out there to stress you out. Whole world is just drug infested… Hate infested, drug infested world. I hate drugs. You know what my friend told me? You know what he’s dealing with? His landlord is hooked on crack. That’s terrible, that’s pressure. If your landlord is hooked on crack that means you gotta have the rent! He comes around… “You got the rent?! “It’s not even due yet, it’s the 10th. “Come on, I need it!”

“Let me get $20 of it now and then… Just give me the rest at the end of the month.” Every couple of hours, “Hey look, i’m gonna need some more of the rent! “The building is falling apart, things came up… ” He comes home early from a party, Landlord is in his crib going through his shit. “What are you doing in my house?! “Ahh! “Where’s the sink, I came to fix it! “It’s in the kitchen! “I thought it was in the drawer. “I’ll fix it tomorrow when I come for the rent!” You know what I hate about drugs? I hate when people my age and older Get hooked on crack, I hate that shit. You’re too old to be experimenting with drugs At a certain point, you should be past that. If you ain’t doing it by a certain point You just miss it.

Drugs are really for old people anyway. You’re 75, you’ve earned the right! Shit if I was 75, i’d do coke, heroin, Everything, I wouldn’t give a fuck. I’ll be walking down the street, they’d be like “boy, that old man is trippin’!”

Can’t do everything. Maybe weed, if you’re gonna do something do a little weed. Weed’s not as bad as everything else. Weed is a background substance. You can smoke some herb and still function. You ain’t crisp… … but you’ll function.

Nothing higher than weed, though. I made that mistake one time.

I was at a party, some guy gave me some shit. He’s like, “Here man, take this. It’s fucking mushrooms.” I took it, I forgot all about it. Then a couple days later I found that shit in my pocket. I’m thinking, “why not?” ‘Cuz I’m thinking it’s like weed. Some background shit. I planned my whole day out like it was weed. I’ll chew this shit up, then I’ll go to the barbershop, get my hair cut and then I’ll see a movie. I chewed it up. So far, so good. Then I was in the barbershop, like an hour later. And it’s funny, ‘cuz I was just thinking to myself, like “Ooh, this stuff sucks. Tastes like athlete’s foot. I feel sick but I’m not really high.” Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barber’s reflection. Man, it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair. I freaked out! I started talking to myself “Dave, calm down, you’re on drugs, this is what drugs do. You know that there is no way… that a penis can cut hair.”

But I started freaking out man, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped out the chair, half my hair was cut, I didn’t care. I didn’t, I just gave the barber a handful of money. It was weird, the balls opened up, anyway I… I ran home man, I ran home as fast as I could. I was trippin’, trippin’! I looked at the clock, it was 2:42. I was like “damn, 2:42, I gotta sober up. I had never been this high this early.” I took a shower, I was still high. I said “maybe music will do the trick.” I listened to every CD I had, I was still high. “Exercise, that’s what I’ll do.” I ran around the block four times, Still high. I took a nap, woke up fucked up. I looked at the clock, it was 2:43, I said “godamn!”

You know this song… [Humming] My grandmother used to sing that when she’s cleaning up. That’s a negro spiritual. Black work-song. Not everybody know about that. White people, you guys might whistle when you work. But that’s how you can tell what kind of work we’re actually doing.

I study that kind of shit. I do, anything that has to do with race. I read a little here, see a little there. And I travel, that’s always good. Traveling has made me a racism connoisseur, if you will. You know it’s different from region to region. Anyone ever been down south? So you guys know what I’m talking about. The racism down there is just fucking… Ahh! It’s perfect, stewed to a perfection. It’s comfortable, it’s out in the open. There are no secrets in Mississippi, everybody knows the deal.

“Morning nigger!”

“Morning sir!”

Not up here. You hit the big cities, man, it’s different. It’s always a secret. We should be like them, We should keep our shit out in the open, vent a little. I mean… with limits. You don’t want to say whatever comes to your mind, that might be a little much.

White dude be walking down the street, minding his business, brother walks up to him, “Hello, “You white oppressor, you slave master rapist of Africa!”

“Why hello my big lipped, spear-chucking friend. “touché, honky! “So whitey, what did you do today, huh? “Oppress a new land and make the people there Christians against their will?”

“What did you do fella? “Burn those big black lips on a crack pipe “‘Cause you missed your job interview?!

“Easy whitey, you’re cuttin’ deep. All this chit-Chat has got me thirsty. “If you will excuse me for a moment, “I’m gonna go to the Korean store and get something to drink.”

Ching-A-Ling! “Hello… “You slanty-Eyed, rollin’ our neighborhood “By opening stores and taking money out of the community-Chink!

“Wow… Good afternoon, you browse-around but never buy anything suspicious looking nigger!” After a while that might be too much.

You can’t help it. If you’re an American, you’re a racist. You’re brought up from the beginning to think in generalizations. We never look at the individual. We rarely look at the individual. I’m a racist. I know I’m a racist. You know how I know? ‘Cuz the other day I caught myself being racist against myself. There’s so much shit going on, I got mixed up. Forgot who’s team I was on and shit.

One time I was reading the paper and a story came on about a guy suing a department store because they won’t let him play Santa Claus because he was black. I was actually relieved When the department store beat him. That’s bad, but I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for the idea of a black Santa Claus, Man, that shit would suck. We wouldn’t get our presents ’til the 28th, 29th…

“Sorry I’m late kids, “Santa got caught up with some pussy in Vegas. I had to sell some toys to get back. Where them cookies at?!”

Y’all a great crowd man, you are. Glad y’all came out man. I… I’m nervous, I am. Not about this special. I hope this shit don’t make me famous. I don’t wanna be famous-famous, I want people to like me for who I am. A famous dude will never know why people like him. That’s why if I ever make it, I’m gonna have to test people. Like if I meet girls, I’ll wear disguises when they first meet me. So they don’t know who I am. And then on the first date I’ll call them and say “I’ll pick you up right from work.” Then i’ll pick her up in a fucking garbage truck. Just to see how she reacts. She’s like “wait a minute, oh, oh, do I look like garbage to you? “I don’t see no godamn trash need to be picked up here! “Get that godamn truck off my block! “Who do you think you are?!” That’s when I take my mask off… “Huh, David Chappelle?!”

“That’s right bitch!”

Thank you, thank you very much.