[TYPING]

[CHEERING]

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s start time at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium. And right about now, we’re going to bring you the brother that gave you, “somebody going to get a hurt real bad,” “be a man,” “take it and go.” One of “Rolling Stones” 50 greatest stand up comics of all time. Let’s bring him on right now, the brownest working man in show business, Russell Peters.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey! Hello Bombay buggers. What’s happening? I know it’s going to sound strange, but it’s good to be home. I mean, although I was never born and raised here, but I still feel at home. I feel like I don’t have to do things that I have to do back home to keep up with white people. I can just be a comfortable brown man here. Fuck it, I don’t even have to put on deodorant over here if I don’t want to, because it’s not stopping you, you know what I mean?

[LAUGHTER] Give it up for Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen.

[APPLAUSE]

So we’re back in the motherland. How you doing, buddy? You OK? He must be good. He give me, like, the sharp one. That’s how you know you’re really fucking good. It wasn’t even multiple, just one. What’s your name? Preag.

RUSSELL PETERS: What? Preag. That sounds like before ugly. I am pre-ug right now, 10 more years, full-ug.

[LAUGHTER]

How you doing, buddy? Good? You chose to look like a sperm tonight. I see that was your– that was a choice you made.

[LAUGHTER]

How did you get here?

[LAUGHTER]

That’s why traffic doesn’t bother him. I was around a million others. That’s an awful outfit. Pre-ug, actually ug.

[LAUGHTER]

OK, let me tell you what’s been happening with me since the last time I saw you guys. I don’t know if you know this, it’s been a few years since I’ve been here. But since the last time I was here, I got fat. And– fuck you. I– here’s what happened, I was like my regular kind of fat. You know what I mean? Like, that kind of fat when you look at me and you go, you know, Russell, if you would just run, like, once. That’s the problem with being Indian, we get fat. We’re born skinny, that’s the real problem. We’re born skinny. We’re naturally a skinny race of people. And we’re born skinny and we stay skinny. We don’t have to work hard to be skinny. We could be skinny and eat whatever we want and stay skinny. And then we never go to the gym because we’re skinny, we don’t need to. And our parents don’t encourage you to go to the gym. You’re like, dad, I’m going to go to the gym. What’s in the gym? Do they have studies in the gym? No, you’re not going to the gym. You stay home and do your studies. And because you never tone up, you stay this, like, really smushy kind of skinny, you know. And you eat whatever you want your entire life. And then at 30, you’re Indian genes kick in and go, OK, party’s over. And then you just get fat, and it’s, like, a fucking awful fat that we get. And that’s what happened to me. I mean, I’m much older than that now. But I got like a weird kind of fat. I was like my normal fat and then I woke up one morning, I was like, [POOF]. I was like, I’m bloated. I figured I would pee it out, I would sweat it out, I’d be fine the next day. Anyway, cut to a year and a half later and I’m still [POOF].. And I go, something’s wrong. So I go to the doctor. I go, doc, I got fat. He goes, yes. I said, thanks, asshole. I didn’t come here for confirmation. I came here to find out why I got fat. He goes, well, why do you think you’re fat? I said, because I have a mirror. And I walked past it naked the other day and I thought somebody else was in my room. I was like, on my God, who fat, hairy ass is that? Turns out it was my stomach. It was– And people on the internet were calling me fat. You guys are dicks, by the way. You say whatever you want to us on the internet. And if we respond, we’re assholes. So we just have to take the abuse. But sometimes I get mad when people say things to me on the internet. Not because of what they said, more so because it’s probably something I would have said. And then I’m mad that my own words are getting used against me. Like, I posted something for this TV show I was on. And somebody goes, holy shit, did you eat your whole cast? And I was like, damn it, I would have said that to. I probably would have said that too. And then somebody posted a picture with me, and somebody commented and went, Russell Peters, looking thicker than a snicker. I got mad at that because I love a good rhyme. Thicker than a snicker, that’s a good one too. It’s not a fair way to describe a human. I think thicker than a snicker is a great way for me to describe my penis. I think it’s a wonderful way to describe it. So Russell, tell me about your penis. Well, it’s thicker than a snicker, equally dark and vain texture, packed with nuts, and it satisfies.

[LAUGHTER]

So I said to my doc, I said, doc, it doesn’t make sense that I should be getting as fat as I’m getting. He said, why not? I said, because I don’t eat crazy, and I train jujitsu every other day. He’s like, huh, how old are you now? I said, 48. He goes, and you’re Indian? I go, yeah, but– He goes, and you haven’t had a heart attack yet? He goes– I said, no, I haven’t had a heart attack yet. He goes, all right. So he takes blood and I leave. Calls me back in three days later. I go back in, he’s like, hey, I got your blood back. I know what’s wrong. I go, what’s wrong? He goes, it’s your thyroid. I go, what about it? He goes, you have an underactive thyroid. I go, so what does that mean? It means it’s not doing enough. I said, I understand what the fuck underactive means. He goes, then why did you ask? I said, how is it affecting me? He goes, the thyroid is making you fat. I go, the thyroid is making me fat. He goes, no, you’re doing things too, but the thyroid is really helping. I go, so what do we got to do? He said, we’ve got to speed your thyroid up. I said, let’s get that bitch moving, right. So it’s been a year and a half now and I lost 24 pounds from it. But it wasn’t me, it was the medication. It’s not me. And I’ve lost– like my body’s in much better shape than it’s ever been, but my fucking head is fat as shit. And I don’t know– I don’t know how to– I look like a fucking thumb.

[LAUGHTER]

Do you know how hard it is to lose a fat head? It’s almost impossible. I used to box. There’s tricks when you want to lose weight from your body in boxing, you could put on a garbage bag and you go sit in the sauna and you sweat it off. Let me give you some friendly advice, you can’t do that with your head. I know, I found out the hard way. I was like, you know what, I got this. I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw it over my big stupid head. I’m not an idiot, I cut a hole from my nose. It was a substantial hole. And I went sat in the sauna. But I forgot when you have a larger nose and you inhale, you tend to suck up more than the average human. And I took a deep breath in the sauna and sucked up the plastic bag. And my friends thought I was trying to commit suicide in the dumbest way possible. But when I got fat, I got like a weird kind. Indian people, we get the worst kind of fat. Like, it just goes everywhere. Like, white people, do you ever see white Americans when they get fat, it’s just bam, a belly. And you can’t tell from behind. Hey, look at the white guy. He turns around and, like, hello. But Indians, it just shows up in the weirdest places. Like, I started to grow tits, but not in front, on the side. I don’t know what the fuck they were going, but–

[LAUGHTER]

I was growing side tits and they were like arm rests. I was walking around after a while, I was– It was like I was going to go into a pool with some floaties on the whole time. And then I was getting a fat back. That was a weird thing to get. It was like fat on my back. I would sit down and my fat back would hang over the chair and. I’m like, what the fu– I would grab it and go, this feels nice. But not on me, I don’t like this. And then I had a chunk of fat, like a big– like, right here– a big, huge clump of fat. Like, when a woman gets fat here, it’s called a gunt. Because it’s a gut right above her– you know I mean. So it’s a gunt. And I guess when I had it, it’s a gock. I guess it would be a gock, I guess. I don’t know. Literally for a year and a half, I didn’t see my penis. I would have to lift it up to visit. You still there, buddy? OK, good. And I’d rest it. Don’t worry, the sun will shine one day. So my doctor says, hey, what else is wrong with you? I go, what do you mean what else is wrong with me? He goes, look, you’re a 48-year-old Indian man. I’m like, that’s really fucking racist, but since you asked, I have acid reflux. I don’t know. Does anybody else– who else has acid reflux in here? First of all, you’re lying to me right now. Because there is no way you can be Indian and not have fucking acid reflux. It’s inevitable. There’s no way you can consume the food that we eat with that much spice, and that much oil, and that much butter, and not just have it burn a hole in your– as my dad would say– your esophagus. What? Son, it’s burning your esophagus. Dad, I want to assure you I have no phagus in me. No, no, son, esophagus. I don’t care whose phagus you think this is. There’s no way you don’t have acid reflux. I’m looking at all of you, especially all the pudgy guys. You know exactly who has it. You got it, don’t you, yellow guy? You do, do you. He’s like, I know, I have it, but I don’t want to say because my shirt looks like turmeric, so– I’ve had acid reflux my entire life– my entire life. And I remember being six years old– and here’s the worst thing about having acid reflux, it’s triggered by food. And when you grow up in an Indian house and your food is Indian food, and this food triggers your fucking acid reflux, and you can’t eat Indian food anymore, you’re a piece of shit. Like, I remember going to my mom, mom, I can’t eat Indian food anymore. Mom goes, what? Do you realize people in India are dying to eat this food, literally dying. I said, mom, do you understand that I’m dying if I eat this food? Literally dying. I was six years old, I remember this clearly, I was six years old and I remember burping and fire shot up my chest and flames came out my nose. And I remember clearly because there was tears coming down my eyes. And I remember going, I’m crying and I’m not crying, I’m very confused. And I go to my mom, I go, mom, mom, it’s burns when I burp. My mom goes, what? I said, it burns when I burp. Oh my God, it burns when he burps. Oh my God, son, OK, do this, don’t burp.

[LAUGHTER]

That was your big piece of advice, mom? I’m like, I’m serious, mom, it’s burning. She goes, OK, OK, yeah, yeah, here, drink some milk, drink some milk. I drank the milk, nothing. Mom, it’s still burning, never mind. Dad, dad, it’s still burning. My dad goes, OK, OK, see the yogurt on the table? Eat the yogurt. What? Eat the yogurt. What do you mean eat the yogurt? Son, it’s a fact. What’s a fact? If you eat the yogurt, it will cool you down. You’ll feel better. How is that– It’s a fact, son. How is that a fact? Son, do you even know what yogurt is? Yogurt is a probiotic. When you get sick, what does the doctor give you? Antibiotic.

[LAUGHTER]

Dad, I’m six years old. I don’t know what a fucking biotic is. Son, one is for biotics and one is against biotics. I said, I still don’t know what a biotic is. Son, just eat the bastard yogurt. I go, why? Because why do you think Indian people keep yogurt on the table when we eat food? To help your digestion. I said, OK, now that makes sense. So I grabbed a bowl of the yogurt. I start eating it, Well, fuck me in the eye, there’s chilies and onions in the yogurt. Why? Why did we spice the yogurt? That’s what triggers the burning. And Indian parents will become racist at the drop of a dime. I go, dad, why did we spice the yogurt? He goes, how else are you going to eat yogurt? Plain? We’re not white people. I said, dad, that’s really racist. Is it racist or is it a fact? How is that a fact? Son, what color is plain yogurt?

[LAUGHTER]

What does plain yogurt taste like? Nothing. What is the contribution from white people to the food of the world? Nothing. It’s a fact. So my doctor says to me, hey, I just called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. I go, what? He goes, when was the last time you had an endoscopy? I said, never. Let me tell you something, doc, I’ve never shoved anything in my ass. He said, what the fuck are you talking about? I said, doc, I’m not an idiot, all right? I know what an endoscopy is. It’s in your end -os. Copy. He said, no, you fucking idiot, it’s in your mouth. I said, hey, yo. It may be in your mouth, doc, but it ain’t in my mouth, bro. I mean, what you do outside of here is none of my business, man. That’s why I like my doctor because he swears at me when he talks to me. I trust him for that reason alone. I don’t trust people that don’t swear. People that don’t swear, you’re hiding something. There’s something wrong with you. You probably touch kids. I’m telling you, there’s something wrong with people that don’t swear, there’s something wrong. They’re hiding something. And people that don’t swear act like they’re better than you. Because they go out of their way to let you know they don’t swear. I don’t know, I just find better ways of communicating than using foul and obscene language. It’s like, [GIBBERISH]. You keep an eye on those people. They’re hiding some– there’s something really dark going on in their head. They’ve got some dark, dark secrets and they don’t want you to know about it. You see them, the people that are too nice, they’ll be too friendly, too polite, you know. They got dark stuff going on in their head. They’ll be like, well, the wife and I had a lovely dinner with you all tonight. We hope you all have a wonderful night of digestion. We’re going to reconvene to the bedroom and at which point in the morning, we’ll collect again and enjoy a delicious breakfast together. And at which point we shall discuss the night’s events. With that, I wish you all good night and pleasant dreams. And they go to the bedroom and he closes the door. And he’s like, all right, honey, shit on my chest. Because they got dark, dark things going on in there. Here’s the good news, I swear I’ll never shit on your chest. I like how uncomfortable that made all of you. I’m just trying to do the math on the shitting on the chest, it’s– what is the purpose of this? My doctor says, listen, I called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. I go, when? He goes, right now. I go, so what do I gotta do? He said, you got to go downstairs to the lobby and go to the clinic. And I go, and when is this going to happen? He said, right now. I said, OK, so where is this going to happen? He says, at the clinic in the lobby. I go, no, no, on me. He goes, oh, in your mouth. I go, so what’s going to happen in my mouth? He says, they’re going to give you an endoscopy. I go, and it just takes place in my mouth? He goes, yeah. I go, they’re not going to touch my asshole, are they? He said, do you want them to touch your asshole? No, they’re not going to touch your asshole. I said, OK, doc, I just want to confirm that this procedure is strictly in my mouth. He goes, that is correct. I said, OK, I’m going to go. But I swear to God, doc, if they try and touch my asshole, I’m coming back up here and I’m fucking you up. He goes, go, you idiot. So I go. Now here’s the problem, my doctor knows me. He knows what kind of person I am. He knows I’ve been a comedian for 30 years. He knows how my brain works. He knows how I have no filter. See, comedians look at the audience, we look at you guys and go, those are civilians. You guys are civilians. You know how to do this, sit around each other and be normal. Just sit around and go– I don’t– I don’t have that fucking filter. I have to– as soon you see– as soon as I walk out– [GIBBERISH] But these people in the clinic don’t know me like that, so I can’t go in and be me. So I have to do my impression of how I think you would handle this situation. So I walk up to the clinic and I’m like, hi. I’m here for my endoscopy appointment. It’s in the mouth. She goes, yes, sir. We know where it is. Please come around. OK. So I walk around and she hands me a hospital gown. And says, OK, sir, just go down the hall, take off your clothes, put this on, and we’ll get started. I said, uh– um, I think there’s a misunderstanding here. My doctor upstairs, he told me that this procedure just takes place in my mouth. She goes, that’s correct. I go, oh, well, then hang on to the gown. Let’s just go get started. She goes, no, no, sir. You have to– you can’t have your clothes on when we do this procedure. I said, that doesn’t make any sense. Because if it’s just my mouth you need access to– [AH] I’m not fighting you on this. I’m not even blocking my mouth. I’m here to help. Pick a chin, which one do you like? I’ll hold it down for you. She’s like, sir, it’s policy that you cannot have your street clothes on when we do this procedure. I said, you know, it’s funny you should say that, because I, too, have a policy. And my policy is that I like as many layers as possible protecting my asshole at all times. She said, sir, would you just go put the fucking gown on. I said, whoa, you swore. All right. So I go down to the change room. And I’m standing there and I’m buck ass naked, right? And I start getting really paranoid about my ass. And then I get a brilliant idea. I take the hospital gown and I put it on backwards. Smart, right? Right? To protect it. But then I look down, my dick is just swinging, just like–

[LAUGHTER]

Look, it’s my story, I’ll make my penis as big as I want it to be, all right? It’s India. You’re all, like, come on, bro. That’s not even believable, OK? Not even on a humid day. It’s true, it was cold in there too, you know, I just– You know what I mean? It was embarrassingly small. It just looked like three coins and a mushroom cap. It was just terrible. It was the worst. Oh man. You know what I mean, you know what I mean, right? You know what I mean? Have you ever had it shrivel up so much that you bend forward and it inverts. You’re like, hey, where did my dick go? You’re like dick, no dick, dick, no dick. My black security guys never get that joke. I don’t get it. If I bend forward, the motherfucker hits the floor.

[LAUGHTER]

So I’m like, well, this is embarrassing, so I put the gown on the right way. And I walk back in the room. And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, just hop up here and we’ll get started. So I hop up on the table, but I put my ass right against the wall. Because like I said, I train jujitsu. If you want to come at me when I’m on my back, it’s your funeral, not mine. And she goes, all right, sir, just so you know, during this procedure we’re going to be putting you under using propofol. I said, wait, wait a minute, propofol? Isn’t that the shit that killed Michael Jackson? She goes, yes, yes it is. I go, what do you mean, yes, yes it is? Why are you so happy about this? It killed the biggest pop star of my lifetime and you think it’s just OK for me to take? She said, sir, Michael Jackson was having an improperly administered. I said, Michael Jackson was having many things improperly administered. But wasn’t his doctor’s name Dr. Conrad Murray? Yes. Wasn’t he a doctor? Yes. Well, what’s your title? I’m an anesthesiologist. I said, look, I don’t care what your zodiac sign is, all right? I don’t even know what month that is. She said, sir, my job is to make sure you go to sleep and wake up. I say, [MOCKING GIBBERISH]. I said that is a fine answer and I will accept that. She goes, great. Please lay on your side. I said no, no, no. Why? Why do I got to lay on my side? I lay on my side, you knock me out, you lift up the dress, you flip up a butt cheek, you start stuffing me like a turkey. I’m not falling for this trick, lady. She said, sir, you need to lay on your side because when we give you the propofol you’re going to pass out and you’re going to fall over. And when you fall over, you could hurt yourself. So to avoid any injury, you need to already start on your side. I said, that is a fair answer. She goes, great. So I lay on my side, but I tuck my ass in real tight on the wall. And she goes, why don’t you count down from five with us? And I go, all right. Five, four, thwump. Out cold. I don’t know if any of you’ve been put under at the doctor, but– Sir, have you been put under at the doctor? You’re an older gentleman. I mean, not older, but you know, you’re not these fucking kids, you know what I mean? What’s your name? Sandeep. And how old are you Sandeep? 48. 48, we’re the same age. Same shit. And have you been put under at the doctor? I got an endoscopy.

RUSSELL PETERS: You had an endoscopy? “Endo-scope-y.” He had the “endo-scope-y.” And I had the endoscopy, so I think–

[LAUGHTER]

Do you know if they gave you propofol when they put you out? No.

RUSSELL PETERS: No, they gave you the cheap shit? Did they knock you out when they did it?

AUDIENCE: No.

No? All right, Sandeep, open wide. [YELLING] Really? You were awake? Yeah. Why didn’t you spend the extra $10 and get the fucking med?

[LAUGHTER]

Is it even possible to do it when somebody is awake? Oh my God. It’s ironic because all the doctors in America are Indian.

[LAUGHTER]

And then in India, they’re like, fuck it, we don’t need all these fancy tricks. Open wind, Sandeep. Were you 1970 or ’71? ’71.

RUSSELL PETERS: ’71. So you’re a year younger than me. But you know what’s– you know what I’m not looking forward to, next year I’ll be 50. And uh-uh, because you know what happens at 50. They’ve got to go with the old– [WHISTLING] You know? [SQUEAKING] You know what I’m talking about? [BAA-ING] [MOO-ING] I’m running out of noises, Sandeep, all right? Sir, how old are you? Huh?

AUDIENCE: 60.

RUSSELL PETERS: 60. Did you have the old [WHISTLING]?? Not yet. You haven’t done it yet? What the fuck are you waiting for? You’re 60. You gotta get your shit checked. Here’s the thing, when I turned 40, it’s when you were supposed to do it back then. And then for some reason as I turned 40, there were like, no, no, it’s 50 now. And I go, yes. And I was like, I got 10 years before they’re going to shove a hand up my ass. And I figured in that 10 years, they would come up with some sort of technology. Because in those 10 years they got a fucking Rover to Mars. India’s got one circling Mars. The Chinese have got shit on the moon. And no, 10 years later, still [AH].. I’m still puzzled that you were awake when this shit happened. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that would have been. Yeah, they knock you out and they give you propofol. Let me just too you something about this propofol shit. It’s incredible. I get it, Michael, I get it. It’s an amazing drug, and I’m not a drug guy by any means. It’s not even my thing at all. I drink a little, but that’s about it. You know, but people come up to after the shows all the time and say, hey, Russell, you– [SNIFFING] What? You do blow? What? Coke? You do cocaine? Do I fucking look like I do cocaine? If I’m doing cocaine and my face is still this fat, I’m doing cocaine wrong.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, give me another line, yeah. Aw, oh! No, I don’t do cocaine. Have you seen the size of my nose? You can’t afford to do cocaine with a nose this big. You go broke after one try. Wouldn’t be able to do lines, I’d have to do lanes. It’s not a reasonable drug of choice.

[LAUGHTER]

Then why are you always sniffing? I’ll tell you exactly. I’m aware that I sniff a lot. And I’ll tell you exactly why I sniff. I used to box. And when I was boxing, I broke my nose. But I didn’t know I broke my nose, so it never got fixed. And of course I would’ve broken my nose. It’s been literally 30 years since I’ve broken my nose, but I didn’t know. Because I thought a broken nose looked like a broken nose. I thought it was like the guys in my gym where there was nothing then a nub. And they’re like, what’s up, champ? I didn’t know. I just thought I was a bleeder when I would get punched in the face. Last year is when I found out. I went to the doctor last year, because I was having trouble breathing. I go, hey, doc, I’m having trouble breathing. He goes, what’s the problem? I go, like, one nostril works and then the other one doesn’t. And then when the other one stops working, the other one starts working. It’s like there’s a flap in there. Like a train, you know, local, express, local, express. He goes, have you ever broke your nose? I said, no. He said, you sure? I said, doc, I’m not an idiot. Pretty sure I’d know if I broke my nose. He said, didn’t you tell me you used to box? I said, yeah. He goes, so wait, you used to box and you never broke that? I said, doc, I never broke my nose. He goes, wait, hold on a second, you’re trying to tell me you were so good at boxing that you managed to avoid breaking the biggest fucking thing on your body? I say, I’m telling you, I never broke my nose. He goes, if you never broke that fucking nose in boxing, you should have a 10 world titles by now. I said, I never broke it. He goes, lean forward, you fucking idiot. So I lean forward. He goes like this, yeah, your nose is broken. I go, how do you know that? He goes, because I’m a doctor. Yeah, but how can you tell? He goes, because it’s not connected. I go, if it’s not connected, why didn’t it fall off? He goes, you’re a fucking idiot. He goes, look, nobody’s nose should move around like this. I shouldn’t be able to move it around, and double click, and order shit off Amazon from your face. This is not a normal nose. I go, that’s a broken nose? He goes, yeah, what did you think it was? OK, don’t judge me, all right? This is actually what I thought this was. And understand I’ve been a comedian for 30 years and I have a creative mind. Here’s really what I thought this was. You know how humans– this is how you know it’s going to be dumb– you know how humans are an ever evolving species? Like, if you looked at humans from 10,000 years ago, you go, what the fuck were those? Well in 10,000 years, those humans are going to look at us and go, what the fuck were those? Well, so because of evolution and my own ego, I thought that I was evolving at a faster rate than you.

[LAUGHTER]

And that my body, to accommodate the larger nose, had developed some sort of joint hinge system in here to alleviate the weight. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. He goes, you’re fucking retarded. I said, doc, you actually cannot say that anymore. What? That you’re fucking retarded? Yeah, you can’t say retarded anymore, doctor. No, I can say it. No, you can’t, because it’s offensive to people. I’m not talking about anybody else, I’m talking about you. You’re a fucking retard. And I go, no, doc, you can’t say retard or retarded at all anymore. He goes, I’m not talking about anybody, I’m talking about you. And as a matter of fact, I’m putting it in your notes. I said, you’re putting in my notes that I’m a retard? He goes, no, I’m putting that you’re a fucking retard. He goes, lean forward. I lean forward. He goes, let me show you something. I lean forward. He goes like this. OK, now breathe. And I go [TAKES BREATH]. Oh, that’s amazing. What did you do? He goes, I attached your nose.

[LAUGHTER]

This is awesome. He goes, I can fix it and you can breathe like that for the rest of your life. I was like, yes, please, let’s do that. He goes, you’ve got to make an appointment and then you need three weeks where you can’t fly. Well, I don’t have three weeks where I can’t fly so I haven’t had it fixed yet. But now I’m scared to get it fixed in case I end up looking like a pig. And then all my Muslim friends don’t come and see me anymore, because they’re like, he looks like a pig, we cannot go see him any longer.

[LAUGHTER]

I do this out of respect for my friends. Let’s get back to this propofol. Sandeep, you got to get this propofol. You’ve just got to go back and tell them, listen, I think you need to check again and give me some goddamn propofol. Because if they give me the bullshit stuff you wake up feeling kind of groggy. Propofol, not at all. I literally woke up like this, whew, let’s do this. She goes, we’re done, sir. I go, you’re done?

[LAUGHTER]

How long was I out for? Two or three hours? She goes, 15 minutes, sir. I said, in 15 minutes I could have saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico. She said, you can go get dressed. So I go get dressed and I come back in the room. And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, we’re all done here. Just so you know, in about an hour, you’re probably going to notice you have a bit of a sore throat. I said, what the fuck did you do to me? She said, sir, it’s the most common side effect. You know, we shoved a tube down your throat which may cause some irritation or some swelling. About 98% of the patients will suffer from that. So if and when that happens, just take an ibuprofen and you’ll feel better. I said, are you sure that’s all you did? She said, I’m positive. I said, you didn’t touch my asshole, did you? She said, what? I said, what? And I walked out.

[LAUGHTER]

An hour goes by and then two hours goes by and I go into a panic because I do not have a sore throat. I’m like, oh my God, I’ve got the throat of a gay man.

[LAUGHTER]

Somewhere out there is a gay guy going, oh my God, these dicks are killing my throat. And here I am with all those wasted talent. I could have been guzzling dick all day. [GIBBERISH] I’m the envy of a community. Is that your wife with you, Sandeep?

AUDIENCE: Yes. – Hi, wife. How are you? Do you guys have kids? How many? – Two.

RUSSELL PETERS: Two. Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl? – Boy. Boy and girl. One of each. Are you happy with that? Absolutely.

[LAUGHTER]

Is that the reason you went dry on the endoscopy? Because she was like, if I’m going to squeeze children out of here, you’re going to take a dry endoscopy.

[LAUGHTER]

My advice to anybody if you’re going to have kids, have a daughter. Daughters are the best. They just–

[APPLAUSE]

They really are. I have my daughter and I have a son. He’s a month and a half old. He’s brand new, so he’s not very smart yet. But I don’t think he’s going to get much smarter. He’s not– boy, he’s dumb. Boy, this kid’s fucking dumb. Like, you know when they’re that small, like, everything is a tit that comes to his face. You know– I go to kiss him, he’s like– Hey, fuck off, that’s my nose, get out of here. You ever get a nipple this big, you need to check the check, because that’s something weird going on there.

[LAUGHTER]

My girlfriend’s Mexican. And I didn’t realize how Mexican she was until she went into labor and they broke her water and candy fell out of her. Do you realize my son is Mexican and Indian? He’s going to be able to engineer the wall.

[LAUGHTER]

And hop it. He’s going to steal your laptop and fix it. It’s going to be an amazing thing to see. How old are your kids? 22 and 19.

RUSSELL PETERS: 22 and 19. Man, you did all this shit young. That’s crazy. I mean, that’s great. I did it way too late. You think about it, I’m 49. When my son starts walking, we’re going to be walking the same way.

[LAUGHTER]

I waited too long. Do you remember your first pregnancy? You remember it clearly? Do you remember how many months it took you before you started to show? Probably about four to six, maybe? Yeah, it’s usually about that, right? Four to six months on your first pregnancy, the woman starts to show. My girlfriend, she started the show after one month. It was like, [DOOM]. I’m like, what the fuck is going on? How many? How many? How many motherfuckers are in there right now? I took her straight to the doctor. I need to know many heartbeats you hear, doctor. How many heartbeats do you hear? There was just one, but I got so scared. Because twins at this age, fuck that. Anybody here have twins or is a twin? You have them or you are?

AUDIENCE: Boys. I have boys.

RUSSELL PETERS: You have twin boys? And apparent– – But they are younger.

RUSSELL PETERS: I’m sorry? And apparently your sunglasses didn’t come with instructions.

[LAUGHTER]

This side of my head is very cool. That’s only because you pulled your pag lower, that’s all. You have twin boys? – Yes.

RUSSELL PETERS: Identical? – Yes. Oh, see, that’s twins. What did you name? Did you give them fun names? Gouldet and Harlet. Gouldet and Harlet?

AUDIENCE: Yeah. It sounds like you’re stealing something and putting it away. Gouldet and Harlet, please.

[LAUGHTER]

Identical twins. That’s the only people that I think should be called twins. Can you tell them apart? Yes.

RUSSELL PETERS: Do they were pags too? No. One has dimples. One has dimples? And the other one has– Doesn’t have.

RUSSELL PETERS: Oh. Yeah, I figured. One has dimples, the other one, doesn’t have. Identical twins, those are the only– I hate when people tell me, yeah, I got twins. What do you got? I got a boy and a girl. That’s not fucking twins ever. What you got are two kids with the same birthday. Women call their breasts the twins. Have you ever had a woman go, so would you like to see the twins? If she opened her shirt and an elbow on an ankle fell out, you’d be like, uh–

[LAUGHTER]

There’s something wrong with your twins. Identical twins are the only people that should be twins. And I started getting scared when I thought my girlfriend was going to have twins. But I started settling into the idea because I started thinking of names for identical twins. I was like, if I have twin girls– because you’ve got to have fun with the names. If I have twin girls, these are going to be my daughters, it’s going to be Kate and Duplicate. These are my boys, it’s Pete and Repeat. If I had twins with a black girl, this is Tyrone and Tyclone. Identical twins, that’s like bragging rights for you, you know I mean. That’s your way of going, look. Look at how good my balls are. Look, look. Or because you’re Punjabi, look at how good my junk they are. Looks at this.

[LAUGHTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[LAUGHTER]

Look at how good my balls are. My balls are so strong, they made one kid and then it made the exact same kid right away. You lift up your balls, sponsored by Xerox. Sponsored by Xerox. I call the left one copy and the right one paste. For the people that are in relationships and your girl wants kids and you don’t want kids, I got some– I got a really great way out of this. Men, you need to learn how to fake orgasms. Trust me. Sperm face, do you have–

[LAUGHTER]

I’ll just call you Gisbonda. You have kids? – Yes.

RUSSELL PETERS: How many? –

Two.

Two. And with that lady there?

Yes.

And how old are they?

So my son is going to be 7 and my daughter is 5.

RUSSELL PETERS: 7 and 5, OK. And you like them? I love them. You like them so much you dress up as them.

[LAUGHTER]

It would have been amazing if she was dressed like an egg and you were like–

[LAUGHTER]

Men need to learn how to fake orgasms, that’s their way around having kids. Let me explain to you. First of all, women don’t need to know how to fake orgasms because they do it all the time. And women don’t fake orgasms because they can’t have them. Women fake orgasms because men are fucking idiots. Because here’s the problem with men, we either don’t pay enough attention to a woman or we fixate on one spot. We’re like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And she’s like ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OK, ow, ow, ow, ow. But we don’t hear the ow part. All we see is– That must be the spot. Don’t leave that spot. Er, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow. And the only way to get you to stop if she goes, ah! And then you are going, yeah, I did that. And she’s like, no, you idiot. I was going numb. You need to learn how to fake an orgasm. Preag, let me show you how. When it comes to faking an orgasm with a woman, it’s very technical. I have made up a list of suggestions. I recommend if you’re going to fake an orgasm with a woman, you should be behind her– having sex, not just standing there. That’d fucking weird if you just– oh.

[LAUGHTER]

What the fuck was that? So you should be behind her having sex with her– with her– at same time, yeah. I recommend you’re behind the woman, because when you’re behind a woman it’s easier to fake. It’s harder for them to check your work. Because when you’re behind a woman, very rarely does a woman turn around and go, was that good? Never. Because you know why? It’s not an attractive angle. Women don’t want to look like, what? So when you’re behind it’s like a horse in a race. Just [TROTTING NOISES]. You never see a horse going [TROTTING NOISES] So you should be behind her. And let me ask you something. You guys are fucking obviously. What’s your name? Sorry? – Sohill.

RUSSELL PETERS: Sohill. And your name, sweetheart? Shabina.

RUSSELL PETERS: Kibera? What?

AUDIENCE: Shabina.

RUSSELL PETERS: Sha– shamuch? Pisha? Shabina. Subpoena? Wait, like as in you’ve got to go to court tomorrow? Shabina.

RUSSELL PETERS: Savita. Shabina.

RUSSELL PETERS: Shabina. That was like 10 different versions of the same name I just heard. Shabina, OK. I’m going I’m going to prove to every woman in here that all men, including myself, every man in here has ADD, every single one of us. OK, Shabina, you ever doing it with Sohill and he’s behind you and you can feel him slow down and then speed up and then slow down and speed up. And you’re thinking, oh, my little SoSo’s got–

[LAUGHTER]

My little SoSo has moves. Let me tell you something, that’s not what it is. Let me tell you what happened. It’s ADD, that’s exactly what the fuck happened. Here’s what happens ladies, we get behind you, we’re good for the first two strokes. And then after that, ADD. We’re like this, yeah, all right.

[LAUGHTER]

I got to change that light bulb when I’m done. Oh shit, let me get back to it. That’s what happens. OK, Preag, pay attention, bastard, hello.

[LAUGHTER]

So when it comes to faking the orgasm, you don’t have to do anything crazy, all right? You’re just doing your normal sex that you guys do. And don’t act like you do all kinds of fancy shit in the bedroom, OK people? We all know once you’re in a relationship for a while, there’s the three basic positions. There’s the us, the her, the you. That’s all there is, it’s three moves. One to get it started, this one’s for us. OK, now it’s your turn sweetheart. And then my turn, that’s what happens. And here’s some good reasons as to why you should fake an orgasm, because you’re not ready to deal with a pregnant woman. It’s a very different– are you pregnant, sweetheart? I could tell, because you’ve got a thin face and then you’re holding your stomach and fat people never do that. So when are you due? Four weeks.

RUSSELL PETERS: In four, oh wow, you’re right– like, right there. And is this your first child? And is she extra horny right now? It’s true, it happens.

[LAUGHTER]

It’s a fact. It’s true, they get really horny towards the end of the pregnancy. And it’s very uncomfortable for us. Because my girl when she was pregnant, she was like, towards the end, she was like, why don’t you want to have sex with me? And I go, it’s– Oh my God, you think I’m fat. I go, I don’t think you’re fat, I know you’re pregnant. Then why would you have sex with me? I’m like, I physically don’t have enough equipment anymore to get in there. Because she got real big when she was pregnant. I was like, I can’t. She was like, I’ll get on top. And I go, no, because she gets on top then her stomach pushes me further away. And I’m like, huh, huh. And nothing because I can’t reach. It just my balls hitting her in the back. [SMACKING SOUNDS] Nothing happening. It’s like that scene in “Back to the Future” where Doc’s trying to connect the wire. Come on, Marty.

[LAUGHTER]

OK, so you’re doing your three positions, right? It’s a regular lovemaking day, you know. You do us, her, and now it’s on to you. So you’re behind her, doing your thing. You don’t have to do anything extra, you just do it like normal. You want to set off any alarms. And when it comes time where you feel like now is when I want to fake my orgasm, this is where the work comes in. You have to sell it. You have to make a really believable noise, first of all. All right, and it has to be a noise that you’re not going to accidentally do in the middle of the day, all right. And it’s going to be a big noise, you don’t want to be like, oh. No, that’s– That’s not it, all right. It’s got to be big and– but like something– like what I do is when it comes time for me to fake an orgasm, what I do is I just grab her ass out of nowhere really hard. I go [SLAP SOUND],, and then I go, ah! Because I’m never going to make that noise ever in my day. Not unless I’m doing an impression of a reporter from the 1930s. Russell Peters, LA Times, can I get a quote, ah! So you’ve got to go, [SLAP SOUND],, ah! And that’s only the beginning. Now you have to sell the orgasm. That’s where the work comes in. So it’s [SLAP SOUND], ah! [BLUBBERING]

[LAUGHTER]

You literally have to act when her vagina is electrocuting you. And then when you’re done, you just collapse. You die, you die, you fall over. And then she’ll be like, wow, that was a good one, huh? You’re like, yeah, that was a good one, yeah. Pay attention though, a couple of seconds later, she’s going to go, hey, you’re not leaking out of me. You go, no, no, that’s because I shot that one way up there. I launched that one. It’s in there deep. Whatever you do, don’t burp, because it’s going to come out.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, Indian parents, like the NRI Indians, they’re very different than you guys. You may not believe me, but you guys are far more forward thinking than they are. Here’s the problem with the Indians that left India, they left India in whatever year they left, and that’s what year India is stuck in.

[LAUGHTER]

If they left in 1970– if they left in 1970, India is still 1970 to them. They can’t imagine all this shit is happening. No, no, Russell, that would never happen in India. Yeah, come. Come, motherfucker. You should see. You’re going to see. They do, they try. They hang on to shit that doesn’t even exist in India anymore. They try to be overly Indian. And their whole reason for leaving was bullshit, because they’ll do this, no, I want to leave and give my children a better life, give them opportunities, expose them to different things, let them experience a new world. And then what do they do? They have the kids born and raised in America, and then around 18, they go, son, we know you’re dating, but maybe you should consider an Indian girl. And you’re like, but we’re in America now. I know, but you should think about an Indian girl. I go, no, I mean, you know, If I meet one, yeah. But it’s not going to be my focus, because there’s so many other women around here, I might as well try something else. I mean, if I’m going to get with an Indian girl, what was the fucking point of leaving in the first place? At least over there we got way more choice. But son– this is the bullshit they pull on them– son, what will happen to our culture if we don’t stay together? What will happen to our culture? Let me tell you what will happen to our culture, fucking nothing. Fucking nothing. You know why? Because there’s 1.3 billion motherfuckers right here.

[LAUGHTER]

If every Indian outside of India never married another Indian again, we would still have 1.3 billion right here. You don’t need us helping you. Even you guys are like, stop fucking, please, we don’t need any more. Here’s what Indian parents need to understand, is that the Indians and the Chinese will forever, always, 100% of the time, be on this planet, no matter what. There’s too many of us to just go missing. If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, you know what would be left? Rats, roaches, Indians, and Chinese, that’s all that would be left.

[LAUGHTER]

And since everything’s already made on this great continent of Asia, we’re going to be fine. Here’s what Indian parents need to understand, if an Indian guy has a kid with a white girl, they have a beige baby, that’s a win for us. I have two kids with Latin women, my kids are khaki. If an Indian guy has a kid with a black woman, that’s a brown baby with the possibility of a larger penis. That’s another fucking win for us.

[LAUGHTER]

And if an Indian guy and a Chinese girl have a baby, that’s a super baby, and that’s a win-win, and you can name the kid Win-Win.

[LAUGHTER]

You know who I feel bad for in this world? I feel bad for white people. I do. I feel bad for white people. I know there’s some in here, but I can’t see you. You’re back there, I see you glowing in the dark. I do feel bad for white people because you’re dwindling at an alarming rate. Like, there’s not– you realize, like, in about 150 years there’s not going to be any more purebred white people. They’ve just been infiltrated at all costs. That’s why I feel like I live in America, and in America you see on the news, you see white people have these rallies. And people get really mad at them. And I kind of sympathize with them. You see them on the news, like, the white people need to be together with the white people. They always add an h in front of it for some reason. The white people. And I’ll tell you what. But they’re like white people need to be together with white people. And I’m like, yeah, they do. And they’re like, what? I’m like, I’m with you. We don’t want you with us. I know. I’m not with you, with you. But I feel your pain. What in the hell’s wrong with you, boy? I’m just saying, well, there’s a lot of us and there’s very few of you. I just want to see the white people get preserved. Because if white people go missing, who the fuck are we going to blame?

[LAUGHTER]

I’m not ready for that kind of accountability. Look at Scratch, his kids are half Indian, yes. He likes the brown. And I don’t mean–

[LAUGHTER]

But Indian parents, they’re– I know there’s a lot of Indian parents here too, but you need to know, Indian parents, that you’re very good parents, but you’re also really shit parents at the exact same time. Here’s why they’re good. They’re good because they love you so much. They’re shit because they love you so much. Because here’s the problem with Indian parents, they love their kids to the point where they don’t let their kids think at all. Like, they don’t– We don’t want their brain to burn out, just let us do all the thinking for you. We will make all the decisions. And it all stems from– we all keep– we’re missing a generation, you realize that. There is a generation missing from somewhere. Because our parents lived for their parents, and our parents are trying to make us live for them. And then I guess we’ll pass it down and make our kids live for us. And who the fuck is living themselves anymore? But that’s what they do. They overpower you with the, you know, son, just do what I tell you to do, OK? Trust me on this. Don’t do that. Go here. Don’t go there. Talk to these people. Don’t talk to those people. And then I’m not the kind of guy that can ever just take information like that. I always question everything. So I’m like– if you want to see an Indian parent fall apart, question them. Holy shit, they have no clue what to do. My dad would be like, son, I don’t want you going to that club tonight. I go, why not? What do you mean why not? I mean, why not? I need to know why I should not go to this club. Son, because it’s a fact. What? What do you mean? What does that even mean? Son, it means it’s a fact. You haven’t given me one fact. Son, it’s a fact. When something is a fact, it’s a fact. You cannot change a fact because a fact is a fact. I’m like, is that a fact? I love coming back to India and I’ll tell you why because I love coming back to India. You know, what’s funny is people ask me all the time whenever I come to India, like, Russell, why don’t you like Bollywood? Why don’t you like Bollywood? I’ll be honest with you, I’m going to tell you the truth right now. Here’s the reason I– here’s the real reason I don’t enjoy Bollywood films, because I love car chases. And you can never have a fucking car chase in Mumbai.

[LAUGHTER]

It’s not even a plausible idea. Quick, get him. [HORN HONKING] Uncle. [KNOCKING]

[LAUGHTER]

Beat it, we’re trying to have car chase. Uncle. Car chase went up to at least two kilometers an hour.

[LAUGHTER]

Here’s the thing now and we live in a really interesting time. Where Indians used to just always leave India to go on vacation, I’m finding more and more Indians are celebrating their country more. They’re going to different places in India and having, like, these really nice trips and vacations. And that, to me, is very important. Because the Indians that left, when we come here, we only go to where we’re from. We don’t see anything else ever. When I was a kid and I would come to India, just Bombay, Calcutta. That’s all I would see, Bombay, Calcutta, Bombay, Calcutta. It got to the point where I didn’t know if there was any more to India than just Bombay and Calcutta. And I remember being here in Bombay, I was 9 years old. And I said to my dad, I go, dad, is there any more to India than just Bombay and Calcutta? And my dad said, no. Are you sure? Positive. But there seems like there’s a whole bunch of country out there. I’m sure there’s more people. There are more people and they look just like you. What do you want to see? I was like, dad, can I see the Taj Mahal? Not from here. Physically impossible. It’s a different place. You know, it’s one of those– It’s a beautiful place, but I always try and explain it to people in North America that India is the kind of country where you could cut it in half and have a north and the south and probably create two countries– not that I want you to. But I’m saying, because they’re two completely different fucking worlds. You take a guy from the north of India and a guy from the south of India and throw them in a room together, they have nothing in common. They can’t speak the same language, they don’t look the same, they don’t eat the same food. The only one common denominator throughout all of India is this. That’s the only one thing we can agree on. You throw them in a room, where are you from? I’m from India. I’m from India, what part? No, not that part, no. Growing up I was ripped off from the Indian culture, my parents didn’t exposed me to it. It was unfair. Because I hung around black people my whole life. From the time I was about four years old all I hung around was black dudes. And it wasn’t until I was about 18 that I realized, holy shit, I don’t know anything about Indian people. Because my name’s Russell, my parents are Eric and Maureen, my brothers Clayton, my grandparents are James, Christopher, Sheila, Eileen. It’s not going to happen. It wasn’t till I was about 18 that I started to meet Indian people. And I was so excited to meet Indian people, but I’d never heard Indian names. I saw an Indian guy, and I go, yo, are you Indian? He goes, yeah. Me too. I go, I’m Russell. He goes, I’m Pancag. I go, whoa, what the fuck was that? I go, why do your parents not like you? And then he’s like– and this is when I realized how much I didn’t know about Indian culture– he goes, hey, you know that one Indian song? I go, no, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Because my dad was very much against Indian music. He didn’t like the Indian movies or the Indian music at all. It was just his– he just didn’t like the sound of it. And I get it, you know. Like, my mom would sneak the Indian channel on every now and then and there’d be, like, an Indian song playing in the back ground. My dad would just yell from the kitchen, Maureen, shut that shit off. Sounds like cats in heat. And then I remember hearing Indian music for the first time and I go, holy fuck, it does sound like cats in heat.

[SCREECHING]

And that’s why there’s so many of us because we listen to horny cat music. But when I say I didn’t know anything about the Indian culture, I mean fucking basic things I was lacking. And I was so mad at my parents for ripping me off from that part of my culture that I went out of my way to try and learn everything about Indian culture. But there’s too much to know. There’s no way you can know everything about Indian people. That’s probably why we believe in reincarnation so you can come back and finish the book. But basic things, like, basic, basic things I didn’t know. Like, we came to India about 12, 13 years ago for shows, here’s how much I didn’t know. We got off the plane and the lady– all I can remember is my dad teaching me was, son, always be respectful, OK? Always be respectful. I go, all right, be respectful. We got off the plane in Bombay. The lady greets us. She goes, namaste, sir. I go, thank you. My brother goes, what the fuck was that? I go, I’m being respectful. He goes, no, you fucking idiot, you’re supposed to namaste with her. I go, I don’t know her like that. I can’t just start namasting bitches all over the place and catch a me too. I’m not playing this game. He goes, no, you fucking idiot. You gotta bow and say namaste. I go, oh, right. Namaste, right. So then we get to the hotel and the guy greets us. He goes, namaste, uncle. And I go, uncle, who the fuck is this guy? We got cousins working at the hotel? Let’s get an upgrade. And then after a while, I got the hang of it and I became, like, the namaste king. You couldn’t out namaste me for nothing. I was like– I was namasting the shit out of people. I was like, namaste, namaste, namaste. I was turning spins on it. Namaste, motherfuckers. I was like a black girl at church breaking it down. Na-mas-te.

[LAUGHTER]

There was a lady in my hotel lobby, she was about to sneeze. She went– and I went namaste. She she went, you fucked up my sneeze. But I was on fire with my namastes everywhere. And we were on tour and then my fake northern half of India is namaste, namaste, namaste, namaste. And then we went to Chennai Madras. And I’d never been to the South before. And we get off the plane. And as we get off the plane, the girl puts her hands together. And I cut her off and I go namaste. And she goes, vanakkam.

[LAUGHTER]

What? What? What? What’s that? She goes, vanakkam. I said, did you just say vanna come?

[LAUGHTER]

I was like, I like the south. Of course I want to come. Doesn’t anybody want to come? Should you want to come at least once a day? It’s different down there, man. It’s very different. I try to explain to people the difference between North and South. North, taller, lighter skin, bigger features, more body hair, not that bright.

[LAUGHTER]

It’s a fact. You go to the south, shorter, darker, smaller features, less body hair, much smarter. And if you don’t believe me that you’re smarter in the South, I’ll prove it to you. All the computer shit that happens in the world, happens in the south of India. And I was trying to figure out why are they so good with computers? And I figured it out, it’s the languages. Because in the north they speak slower. [SLOW GIBBERISH] Then you go to the south and they sound like this– [FAST GIBBERISH] And that’s why they can read computer code.

[LAUGHTER]

[FAST GIBBERISH] Well, there we are in Madras and the promoter meets us at the airport and he’s like, hello, Russell. And I go, hi, I’m Russell. He goes, this is your driver. And I go, hey buddy, I’m Russell. And he goes, Hello Russell, I’m Naga Lingam. I said, what happened? He said, I am Naga Lingam. I said, I don’t know what you’re saying. That is my name, sir. What is your name? Naga Lingam. I said, we’re going to need to work on this because I don’t know that I’ll be able to say that. Please, sir, everyone just calls me Naga. I said, oh, I gotta be honest with you, I grew up with black people and I’m a little uncomfortable with your name. I got to be honest with you. He goes, please, sir, everyone, please, just call me Naga. I said, all right, all right. So we start driving, right? And I see this mall coming up in the distance. And I’m like, oh, I need to get something. So I’m trying to get the driver’s attention. I’m like, yo, [CLEARS THROAT] hello, hello, excuse me, bastard, bastard G, hello, hello, hello, yo, hey yo, my Naga. Can we stop in that mall for a second? He goes, no, no, sir. We must continue to venue. I was like, Naga, please. Just then this guy cuts him off and he loses his shit. And I was like, yo, this Naga’s crazy, right?

[LAUGHTER]

Right then my mom calls me. And she’s like, where are you? I said, I’m in Madras. She goes, oh, that’s great. Did you know that your grandfather, James Peters, was born and raised in Madras and then he moved to Bombay and that’s where your father was born. I said, I did not know that. But did you know I got a driver and he’s got the best name I’ve ever heard in my life. She goes, what’s his name? I said, Naga. And she goes, OK. I said, mom, isn’t that funny? She said, no, why is it funny? What do you mean, why is it funny? Mom, his name is Naga. You know like, Naga what? Naga who? And if you don’t know now you know, Naga. She goes, son, that’s not funny. Naga just means snake. It does? What’s his last name? I said, Lingam. She goes, oh my God, that’s funny. I go, why is that funny? That means penis. What? Wait, this guy’s name is snake penis? It is a very common name in the south. What? There are many snake peni down here? You can’t just name your kid snake penis and send him out in the world. It’s not like he’s living in America with a name like Naga Lingam where nobody knows what it means. You all know what the fuck his name means. You know that this Naga Lingam had to have had an arranged marriage. And it was one of those hardcore arranged marriages where he never met the girl till the day of the wedding. Even he got to the wedding, he was like, which one is she? OK, got it. Good, yes. They have the wedding, they have the reception, everybody has a wonderful time. Naga Lingam and his new wife go back to the hotel room for the first time. Their alone, it’s uncomfortable, he walks in the bedroom. So I guess you heard. Would you like to see it? And she goes, OK. He pulls out a flute.

[FLUTE MUSIC]

Thank you so much, Bombay. I love you guys. Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]