[TAKE ME OUT BY FRANZ FERDINAND PLAYING]

PRESENTER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lee Mack.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yes! Come on! It’s the last night of the tour! Yes! Right, let’s start with a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? ‘Cause his house is being bombed by the Russians. Leave him alone, he’s only a chicken! Yeah, you don’t like the politics, do you? Do you know what it’s like to walk down the street with everything you own in a plastic bag whilst your house is being bombed? No, you don’t. Leave that chicken alone. Is this on? Leave him alone, he’s a chicken. Sorry, not chicken. Chechen. I messed that right up, didn’t I?

You gotta get the beginning bit right. That’s why I came on to Franz Ferdinand. ‘Cause I wanted a big impact when I came on. -They’re great Franz Ferdinand, aren’t they?

AUDIENCE: Yeah. Named after the Archduke Franz Ferdinand who was assassinated in 1914, which led to the First World War and the death of 15 million people, which in itself led to the Second World War and the rise of Hitler and fascism and the death of a further 55 million people, including six million innocent Jews. Yeah, let’s hear you. # I say don’t you know # You say you don’t know # I say # Take me out #

Tough crowd. I could come on like Robbie Williams as well, right? I wish someone would tell Robbie Williams that this doesn’t constitute entertainment. Look at me, smug as fuck. Come on, Glastonbury, you know this one. Yeah, we know it, Robbie. It was 150 quid to get in. Any chance you could sing it for us?

Imagine if I came on like that. I’ll tell you something, a funny thing happened to me on the way here tonight. I think you know this one. Lee Mack, smug as fuck. I could also start like the gymnast starts, try and get your attention by doing this, couldn’t I? I love the way they do that. As if something amazing is about to happen. In case there’s any doubt, they throw one of these in. That’s just to let the world know that this could be amazing. Be great if they messed that up now and again. ”Here’s the favourite from Bulgaria. If she gets a perfect 10, she wins the gold. ”Let’s see if she can do it.” ”Shit! ”Three years concentrating on me triple-axle, I forgot about the tippy-toes.”

I love gymnastics. It’s the one event, when it’s on every four years, that the whole of the British public just watches it and doesn’t understand anything that’s happening. Every four years, everyone just goes… [IMITATING SOUND OF GYMNAST’S ROUTINE] Was that any good? It dawned on me recently there’s only two things you need to know about any gymnastics event. That’s good. That’s shit. That’s all you got to know, isn’t it? Forget all that tumbling-around business. Brilliant. Get off, you’re rubbish. I like the people that mess it up and then try and incorporate it. ”I meant to do that. That bit. ”Yeah. Hell, yeah. ”I’ve been practising that for four years, that little thing… ”2.4, you Polish twat! I meant to do that.”

I could also come on like the New Zealand rugby team. I love the fact they do this to try and scare the opposition. ”Oh, that’s terrifying, don’t. We’re shooting ourselves.” I always think, give them a little hat, a little cane, go on. # Pardon me, sir Is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo? #

I went to college with loads of rugby people and I’m telling you, at my college they wouldn’t have found that scary. The only thing they found scary at my college was gay people. They’re very homophobic, the rugby community. I think it would be far better suited if New Zealand just came out and went, ”One, two, three, four. Kick, two, three, four. ”One, two, three. Kick, two, three, four. ”Hands, hands and walk, two, three, four. ”Two, three, four… Nice shoes.” # I am what I am I am my own… # ”Catch, Tony.” All the English players are going, ”Fuck this! We’re going home! Come on! ”That’s it! Drag your knuckles.”

Hello, sir, in the front row there, you all right?

I’m all right.

Nice glasses.

Thank you.

Yeah, you’re welcome. What’s your name?

Nev.

Nev?

Yeah.

You remind me of my driving instructor. Lend me those glasses for a second. What do you do, Nev?

I’m a lawyer.

You’re a lawyer?

Oh, hello. How old are you?

Twenty-nine.

Twenty-nine? What kind of law is it? Fucking hell! You sure you’re not a welder? [IMITATING WELDING TORCH] I just turn into Eric Morecambe when I’ve got these sort of glasses on, sorry. ”Hey, how long… ”have you…”

MAN: You’ve no idea how funny that is.

That’s the weirdest heckle anyone’s ever given me. A bloke at the front just went, ”You’ve no idea how funny that is.” I think you’ll find I know exactly how funny it is. That’s why I’m stood up here in the West End, you daft twat. I’m not up here going, ”Why are you all laughing? These are true stories! Stop laughing! Stop it! ”You’re laughing at me! These are facts! My life!” I’ll tell you how funny they are. In a minute when I say, ”Knock, knock,” just say, ”Who’s there?” Don’t go, ”That’ll be someone at the door. Oh, it’s real! It’s real! ”You don’t know how funny this is!” Do you do that when you’re watching drama? Stand up and go, ”You don’t know how sad this is! You’re making me cry!” ”You are…”

My driving instructor wore glasses like this. You’re not a driving instructor, you’re a lawyer. We’ve just been through that. He was driving down the road and he said, ”What I’m gonna do, ”I’m gonna slap my hand on the dashboard and I want you to make an emergency stop ”as though a small child has stepped out in front of the car.” Before he could put his belt on, I whizzed me brakes on like that, and he hit his head full on on the window like this. [SPEAKING IN SLOW MOTION] You’ve no idea how funny that is. This bit particularly. He didn’t do all this bit, I’m just showing off now.

He said, ”Why didn’t you wait till I slapped me hand on the dashboard?” I said, ”There is a child’s life at stake here. I haven’t got time to fuck about with games.”

Sorry, Nev, you didn’t see any of that, did you? Sorry, mate. He was sat there going, ”What’s he doing? What’s that noise? ”Has he got a kind face? ”Is Betty still sat?”

I’d like to see you doing your court of law thing. ”Yes, and I’ll tell you why he’s innocent.” ”Cashier number 5, please.” ”Sorry. Sorry.”

I’ll tell you a bit about myself. I’m in a relationship at the moment. Sorry, girls. It’s gonna have to be your place. She’s a lovely girl, my wife. She’s… She works in a laboratory testing cosmetics on animals. Nice girl. She hates my job ’cause I’m always trying me jokes out on her. Fair enough. She’s always rubbing shampoo in me eyes.

She hates it when I do this job, it gets very obsessive, this job. I’m always thinking about comedy. I went home the other day for a break from the tour, it was about a three-week break, actually. It’s not going great. I realised how obsessed I was becoming ’cause I was in Habitat and she was looking at this cupboard going, ”Can we afford that cupboard? ”Will it fit in the house? Is it the right shape?” I realised after 15 minutes, I hadn’t listened to a word she’d said. I’d spent the whole 15 minutes just thinking, ”Wouldn’t it be funny if I got in that cupboard?” It’d be great, wouldn’t it, when people are looking round. ”Hello. ”I think Narnia’s closed.”

It’s going very well at the moment, though. She’s carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little fucker. It’s going very well. In fact, we’ve had the baby. I just don’t want to drop the joke. I’d rather drop the baby. But, no, it’s going very well. I’m glad we had the baby. We had lots of rows about the whole baby thing. I wanted to have the baby for about five years, but she wants to keep it for ever, you know.

This is a true story. I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn’t have children. Yeah. Three weeks after he told me that, my girlfriend was pregnant. Who’s the daddy?

Anyway, forget that bit. Um… Why have you turned up with cut-out… There’s somebody there with cut-outs of animals. -Why have you done that?

It’s a giraffe!

I’m not interested in the type of animals. I’m interested in the lunacy of bringing a cut-out animal. I’m not sitting here going, ”Yeah, animals is fine, but what are they?” ”Is it a rhinoceros? I hope it is. That would be appropriate for a comedy gig.”

What’s your name with the lion, sir?

Dan.

Dan and… Daniel and the lion.

And what’s your name with the crocodile?

Robert.

That doesn’t work, that one, does it?

And the penguin, what’s your name?

Ben.

Be great if you had a stutter. B-B-B-B-B-Ben. Some older people getting that joke. The rest of you looking at me going, ”Wouldn’t be great, it’d be an affliction, and that’s wrong.” Wouldn’t it be great if he was in wheelchair? ”No, it wouldn’t. That wouldn’t be funny at all, Lee, no.” How would he get up there? I know that’s what you’re thinking, that’s what I’m thinking. How did you get up there, you liar? There’s nothing wrong with you. Sitting in your wheelchair… Oh, you make me sick, people like you.

It’s great being here. I knew it was gonna be good. I got recognised today. In Dixons. I did. A member of staff came up to me and went, ”Hey, you’re that mad bloke off the telly.” I went, ”That’s me.” Then he went, ”No, you’re that mad bloke. Off the telly.” You’ve no idea how funny that is. I knew this was gonna be a good gig ’cause I came in…

I have been on telly, by the way. I’ve proper been on telly. I was on Blind Date 14 years ago. That was my first TV experience. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was the one that went on and decided to ask me own questions, right. I was supposed to go on and say something rubbish like, ”Contestant number one, if you could be any type of fruit, ”what type of fruit would you be?” And I thought, ”That’s rubbish.” So I went on and said, ”Contestant number one, do you agree, in principle, to federalism ”encompassing a single European currency?” And this woman said, ”Yes, if I was an apple, ”you could pick me out of the tree any time you like. ”This doesn’t make sense now, Cilla.” I said, ”That’s great, love. ”Now, contestant number two, ”Cubism is a corruption of the Impressionist ideology. Discuss.” She said, ”Yes, if I could have any job in the world, I’d be a forklift truck driver. ”Then I’d come straight round to your house and show you my tits.” Or something like that. I can’t remember exactly what she said. That was the gist, right? Now, at this point, obviously, I’d lost faith with women. But it didn’t matter ’cause then I heard number three. She was perfect. She said, ”Yes, ”Cubism is a corruption of the Impressionist ideology ”but it’s also based on early 20th century German Dadaism and Neorealism.” And I went, ”I’ll take number two.”

So this is good, innit? The Bloomsbury Theatre. I knew this was gonna be nice when I walked in ’cause I went to the toilets, right? Do you ever check the toilets out first? Make sure it’s gonna be all right? What they haven’t got here, which I like, is they haven’t got the bloke in the corner with the dish of money. Hate that. You know, in the toilet? Beggars, that’s the word I’m looking for. I hate the fact that I always think I won’t give him any money but they always get me in the end. That’s what annoys me. I think, ”Don’t give him eye contact, you’ll be fine.” I walk out the cubicle and they go, ”Aftershave?” ”I don’t think so.” ”Towel?” ”Mmm-mmm, no, no, no.” ”Soap?” ”I really can manage.” ”Chupa chup?” ”Chupa chup? Well, why didn’t you say?” ”And only a pound.” ”Eh?” Food in the toilet. What could possibly go wrong? ”Any sausages?”

You haven’t got bouncers here with the walkie-talkies, which I like. I love the world ”walkie-talkies”. It’s fantastic, innit? I’d love to have been at the meeting when they came up with that word. It’s me new favourite word. ”Well, we got this wireless communication system. All we need now is a name. Any ideas?” ”I know!” ”Oh, it’s Derek. Hello, Derek.” ”Well, think about it, right? You can walk with it and you can talk with it.” ”Yes, you can, can’t you?” ”Yes, walkie-talkie.” ”We’ll deal with this.” ”Outie-shoutie.” ”No, honestly, it’s not gonna work.” ”Reachy-speechy, satty-chatty.” ”Shut up, and eat your chicken leg.” ”There’s a good lad. Or, as you call them, eatie-feeties.”

I’m obsessed with words at the moment. It’s like in Scrabble. I found out recently, do you know what the most amount of points you can get in your very first go at Scrabble is? Does anyone know? Hmm? 143 points. ”Pause, let us answer, Lee!” 143 points. Now, do you know what the word is? It is ”squeezy”. You get more points for ”squeezy” on your first go than any other word. I know this ’cause my mate got it, first go. I was devastated. But I had the last laugh. In the next three goes I had the letters that made up the words ”easy”, ”peasy” and ”lemon”. I know what you’re thinking. ”Lee, that’s impossible ”to get all those letters in a straight line at a game of Scrabble.” Yeah? Well, I’ll tell you what I told him. ”It’s my fucking house. I’ll do what I like.” What do you mean in Cluedo you can’t have Barbara Windsor in the airing cupboard with a Stanley knife? If you don’t like it, get out of the house.

Nice audience. Ah, you with your hat on there, sir. Hello. Feel free to take it off at any point you like, that’s fine. We’ve actually got something special here for people like you. It’s called a roof. Where you going? Where you going? What you doing? What you doing? Where you going? Where you going? What you doing? What you doing? Eh? There’s a poster out there that says no filming in the auditorium. She’s really stretching that rule, isn’t she? She’s not filming it, fucking mental. Lend me your cap for a second, sir. That’s fantastic. What’s your name, mate?

Simon.

Pick it up. Simon. What do you do, Simon?

Photographer.

Photographer? Fantastic. Who do you photograph? Are you, like, fashion or are you…

No, people.

People? What kind of fashion photographers are you looking at? That’s generally people, innit? Unless you’re into really sordid stuff. [GROWLING] Sorry about doing that with your hat to prove a point. Sorry about that. A bit horrible, innit? See, you look good in this. You’ve got that sort of… Look at it. I mean, it’s got that sort of… slightly chequered sort of… You’re London, aren’t you? So it works. It’s ironic but it’s cool. Me, I’d just look like a fucking chimney sweep, wouldn’t I? Be honest, I look like one of those kids that’s gonna get a free trip to Disneyland any day now, don’t I? Hello, my name is Lee Mack. Every day’s a bonus. Hey, I can still move it with the kids, though.

Touch me, go on, touch me. Touch me! Touch me, you crack whore! Touch me. It says on her T-shirt ”crack whore”, just so you know that’s why I said that. Are you a crack whore? Why have you got it on your T-shirt, then? What’s it say? ”C” is for crack whore? So it’s not really a thing? It’s just to remind you about spelling, is it? Is that how you do your alphabet? ”C” is for crack whore. I must remember this. It’s like a dirty version of Sesame Street. It’s fucking fantastic. Today has been brought to you by the letter ”C” for crack whore. And ”B” for big bollocks. [IMITATING ERNIE FROM SESAME STREET] ”Hey, Bert, that’s rude.”

I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ve had that on for a while, haven’t I? Pick it up. It’s not my responsibility, mate. Not my responsibility. Crack whore. Are you… Why would you wear a T-shirt saying ”crack whore”? I mean, you don’t look like the type of person who takes crack.

Well, you’ve got to be very careful what you say on stage nowadays. Look what happened to Bernard Manning. Read about that? He did all this anti-Muslim material. Someone emailed him, threatened to put a fatwa on him. Huh? To be fair, I think they were typing ”fat wanker” and pressed enter a bit early.

You gotta be careful, though. You gotta be very politically correct nowadays. And I mean proper politically correct, right? Not like Stevie Wonder. Hypocrite. ”Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony.” Oh, that’s great, Stevie. What about the Chinese? Don’t they get a look in? At least meet me halfway. Play Chopsticks halfway through. I mean, come on.

You gotta be very careful what you say, you really have. I don’t like it when people are over-politically correct. You know like on Big Brother? Is it my imagination or is that getting camper and camper with every series? In fact, if you listen carefully, it’s getting so camp that with every series, you know the Geordie bloke that does the announcing? He’s getting more Geordie every series just to balance the whole thing up, isn’t he? It’s like… [IN GEORDIE ACCENT] ”Day 29, 6:14 am ”and Kemal is walking around the kitchen in little hotpants and a bra. ”Makes me fucking sick. ”Walking around like that, you want to get a proper job like a pit pony or a ferret tickler. ”Eh? Walking around saying, ‘Put this in your mouth.’ ”No, I will not, you devious little cupcake. Eh? ”’Who goes? You decide.’ But I know who I’d pick. ”That little deviant faggot ’cause that’s not natural, that. ”Grow a moustache and a perm and act like a proper bloke.”

You see… You see, I don’t care what your sexuality is, right. Unless you’re into auto-asphyxiation erotica. Ew! They want stringing up, don’t they? I’ve got loads of gay friends and there’s two things they say they hate. The two biggest stereotypes when you’re gay. One, ”Ooh, they’re very good at interior design.” And two, ”Oh, aren’t they well-dressed?” How patronising is that, right? My mates that are gay, none of them are good at interior design. They’ll be the first to admit, the inside of their houses are a downright mess. And as for well-dressed, they’re some of the scruffiest people I know. So can we stop these ridiculous 1970s bigoted stereotypes? And just all say, as one, gay people are disgusting.

Everything is getting camp, isn’t it? Even the police sirens are getting camp. You remember the good old days when they used to go… ”Nee-nee, nee-nee, nee-nee.” Nowadays, it’s ”Mmmmm! ”Listen to her. ”Ooh, robbing a bank and look at his nails.” What’s your name? Just scratching your eye, ”I’m not fucking looking at you.”

Richard’s my name.

Richard My Name? Hello, Richard My Name. -What do you do, Richard?

Painting and decorating.

Painting and decorating.

Yeah.

Fucking nice of you to turn up. [IN COCKNEY ACCENT] ”Yeah, no more than half a day, that.” Painter and decorator, that’s fantastic. Whereabouts do you do that?

All over really.

All over? You’re not trying to sell to me. ”All over. Where do you want me to go? I can go where you like, I can go here. ”You know what I mean? All over. ”Mainly bathrooms but I don’t mind going in the living room. ”I’ll go in the kitchen as well. I’ll travel, I really will. I don’t mind. ”Upstairs but, obviously, I’d need a Stannah stairlift. ”Don’t do the walking. The legs are a bit fucking suspect.”

Did you ever meet anyone that was so Cockney it looks like it hurts? ”All right, mate, what you do for a…” ”Me? I’m a painter and decorator, mate, you know what I mean? ”I’m a fucking painter and a decorator, I fucking tell you. ”I am so fucking Cockney it’s fucking painful, innit? ”Fuck me, my elbows, my fingers, my legs, I’m fucked. ”I’m fucking riddled with it, I’m Cockneyed up. I fucking hate it! ”Got arthritis, mate. I fucking can’t even click me fucking heels. ”I am fucked. I am a fucking Cockney. ”I wish I was Northern. It seems so easy. ”Fuck me.”

I haven’t always done this job. I used to be a freelance journalist. Yeah, I was crap. Lance is still in prison. Christ, some of you needed a bit of a delay on that one, didn’t you? That’s the kind of joke that some of you will wake up at 4:00 in the morning and go, ”Oh, yeah.” While some of you will just go, ”No, still don’t get it.” Half of you laughed at that. The other half just went, ”What time’s the meat raffle?” That’s fine, all right.

I’ve had lots of jobs, me. I used to be a doctor as well. I got sacked ’cause I used to have my own little unique way of telling people the news. I remember one Thursday afternoon, this bloke came in. He said, ”Has my wife had the baby?” I said, ”Yes.” He said, ”What’s the news?” I said, ”Monday’s child is fair of face. Tuesday’s child is full of grace. ”Wednesday’s child is full of woe. ”Thursday’s child, club foot.”

You’ve got to have a laugh if you’ve got a job. Is it a good laugh being a painter and decorator?

Good bits and bad bits.

Yeah? Does it have its medium bits? Is it all very extreme? Is it all, ”I fucking love skirting boards. ”I love ’em, I love ’em. Oh, not walls, fucking hate walls. ”Fucking hate walls. It’s all or nothing, I fucking hate it. ”It’s joy or it’s shit.”

You gotta have a laugh in any job you do, haven’t you? If I was the last hangman in Britain, I reckon it’d still have been a laugh. If I’d been the last hangman in Britain, there’d be nothing set up in the courtyard. Just me. Bloke would come in, I’d say, ”It’s a very sad day, innit? ”What we got to do to you. Very sad day. ”In fact, there’s only one word to describe how I feel. ”Do you know what that word is? Hmm? ”You don’t? Well, do you wanna have a guess? ”You shout out a letter, all right, ”and I’ll tell you if it’s in the word. ”P?” ”No, it’s not got a P in it. ”Build the scaffolding. Have another go.”

Are you a painter and decorator, the missus?

No. Oh, his phone’s going off.

His phone’s going off? Probably a job, you better get it. Or a complaint. See, you’re very attractive. You’re like me, actually. You’re a horse face. You know, you’re… No, it’s not rude. Hang on. No, I don’t mean a face like a horse. No. What I mean is, there’s two types of women’s faces, right? You’ve got like the long face, which is the horse face, right, and then you’ve got the round face, which is the plate face. And there’s only ever two types of women’s faces. If you need me, I’ll be over here digging a hole. Basically, what I’m trying to say is…

You’re fantastic looking, right, the one who’s not even bothering looking at me. Yes, you, madam. You’re a horse face, right? You’re a plate ’cause it’s round, but it’s still an attractive face. Attractive horse. You can’t win. Look at your faces. If you say ”horse”, women think you mean ugly. If you say ”plate”, they think you mean fat, right? I’ve honestly got a good mind to stop even trying to entertain people on trains. It doesn’t mean that, right? It’s not rude. Name a famous actress that’s supposed to be beautiful, right? Some beautiful actress or a supermodel, anyone you like. And I’ll prove that anyone can be categorised as a horse or a plate. Not just the women in the front row tonight. Anyone you like?

Nicole Kidman.

Nicole Kidman. That’s a tough one. She’s gorgeous. Nicole Kidman. Oh, no. Actually, do you know what? It’s not everyone, is it? Now that I’ve heard you explain it properly, I realise what an absolute bunch of mingers we’ve got in tonight. You’ve explained it so clearly. She’s got a point.

So, all right, let’s play a different game. What about the pet game? Have you got any pets? I read a book recently, The Psychology of Pets. The kind of pet you’ve got determines the type of person you are. I don’t know if you knew that. You tell me the pet, I’ll tell you the person.

A cat.

Cat. Do you know what that means? A very loving person, very honest and very open. And as a result you’re very popular with the opposite sex. You’re very good in bed. I’ve got a cat.

So what’s your cat called?

She-Ra?

She-Ra? How old is She-Ra?

Six.

Six, with a big question mark at the end. ”Six? Two? I dunno, I’m not bothered any more. ”I can’t find it. He painted the room black and white once, ”never fucking seen him since.”

Cats are great. You ever watched a cat clean itself? They’re fantastic. They’re so in control. ”I’m a cat, I’m in control. ”I can clean any part of my body I like. Test me. ”The ears, the head, the tail, the legs. You test me, I’ll clean it. ”’Cause I’m a cat, and I’m in control.” And then it all goes tits-up when they clean that bit just under the neck. ”I can’t do this bit!” I like getting cat food and just tickling him under the chin. At what point in cat evolution will they work out that if they can do this, all right, that they can probably do this? ”Fucking hell! ”Three million years, look. It’s just that.”

I love speaking to people in the front row. You never quite know what’s gonna happen. The worst hecklers, by the way, are not the hecklers, they’re the whisperers. If you hear people whispering on the front row, it gets to me. I’m so paranoid. I’m so paranoid, you know the man on the news that says, ”If you don’t wanna know the results, look away now.” I’m always convinced he’s going, ”You fucking wankers. ”Here’s the weather.” I said to some bloke… It was brilliant, the other day. I said to him, ”What do you do for a living?” He went, ”Shit!” I said, ”What, you shit for a living?” He went, ”No, you, you’re shit!” I said, ”Do you think you’re hard?” And he went, ”Yeah, I do.” I said, ”How hard do you think you are?” He said, ”I’m a black belt in judo.” And I said, ”You might think that’s the best form of defence. ”How often do you get attacked by a man in a dressing gown?” And he said, ”I work in a mental hospital.” You couldn’t write stuff like that, could you? Eh? Of course you could. I did.

You always get asked this in this job, ”Did you always want to do stand-up?” I’ll be honest, I got involved in stand-up ’cause I thought, ”Stand-up comedy, sex, drugs, rock and roll.” If I’m gonna be honest, it’s ended up being wanking, cough mixture and Billy Ray Cyrus. Everyone wants to know how you got started. I got started at school. I was always the one that would argue with the teachers. I was always cheeky. I remember once this teacher said to us, ”There’s an easy way to remember how to spell possesses, a little rhyme. ”Possesses, possesses, five S’s.” ”Possesses, possesses, five S’s.” She was so pleased with herself. I stood up and went, ”Yeah, that’s a lovely little rhyme, miss, ”but there’s one word in the rhyme that doesn’t rhyme. And that’s ‘five’. ”It could be anything, couldn’t it? Possesses, possesses, four S’s. ”Possesses, possesses, three S’s.” She went, ”Yeah, that’s a good point, Lee. ”But the trick with the rhyme is to remember that it’s five.” I said, ”If I could remember that bit, miss, I wouldn’t need the fucking rhyme, would I?”

The PE teachers are the worst. They’re hypocrites, aren’t they, the PE teachers. You’d be doing your best in cross country running, wouldn’t you? Going… Then suddenly the PE teacher would jump out from the bushes and go, ”Hey! Don’t walk! Run!” Yet the same bloke, two hours later, when you were going for your dinner, running down the corridor, he’d jump out and go, ”Oi! Don’t run! Walk!” And yet the same bloke, two hours later. You’d be in detention, wouldn’t you? And he’d go, ”Oi! Don’t just sit there! ”Come here now and pull down your little blue panties.” Forget this joke. It’s none of your business.

The point I’m trying to make is… They used to hit us as well. Did you ever get hit from the teachers at school? Whack us like that, really hard. Table tennis bats, that’s what they used to love doing. I remember once, right, he hit us so hard. It used to be agony. But then about three weeks later, we got this supply teacher in and he was brilliant. He was Chinese, right. So, what he used to do, instead of hitting us really hard, he used to just come in at funny angles like that. We thought it was brilliant. This doesn’t hurt. It’s just… What we didn’t realise was he was putting lots of spin on, right? So we thought it didn’t hurt, but when we sat down… Whizzed off our seats, banged our fucking heads. He was a genius.

You do get asked the same questions in this job. Two blokes came backstage, asked me the classic question the other day. ”Do you do refunds?” ”No.” They said, ”Listen, Lee, you’re a comedian, right. ”In fact, you’re a great comedian. In fact, you’re a genius. ”The way you tell jokes that make us think differently about the world. ”It makes us want to be better people, too. ”We don’t know how you do it and you’re not a bad looking fellow, either.” ”Tell us this,” they said. ”Who inspires you?” Do you know what I said to these two blokes? I said, ”Nelson Mandela.” I said, ”Stephen Hawking.” ”The pair of you, get out of my dressing room. Stop asking me stupid questions.” ”We’re only trying to make polite conversation.” ”Yes, you fucking rude twat.” I’m not very good at the Stephen Hawking thing. I can do the voice but I can’t get rid of the accent. Do you wanna know about life, the universe and everything? Do you? Tough shit. Me day off. Fuck off.

But, you know, this is the truth, right. This is the truth. Do you know who really inspires me? Do you know who really inspires me? I’ll tell you. My dad.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

I know what you’re thinking. ”Come on, Lee, you don’t know who your dad is.” But I do. My dad’s the most… He’s the funniest man in the world, my dad. Kind of bloke that could read out a telephone directory and it’d be funny. I mean, to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out. But it wasn’t quite as funny when he started phoning people, let me tell you.

He’s great my dad. Very old-fashioned man. He was so old-fashioned that when my sister had her menstrual cycle, he made her go and live in the shed, claiming she was the evil seed of Satan. ”That’s a bit old-fashioned, Dad.”

Very sad. Actually my sister died very young. She drowned. But, you know, like my dad said, ”Look on the bright side. ”If she’d have floated, we would have had to set fire to her anyway.” So…

I actually left home when I was 34. It’s me mum, she was ill. Yeah, you’re not laughing now, are you? It’s very sad actually. My mum actually got to the point where she couldn’t look after herself. She couldn’t cook. She couldn’t wash. She couldn’t clean. It was at that point, I thought, ”Well, there’s nothing in it for me.” Fucked right off.

She’s great my mum. She used to always support me… This is a true story. I got picked on at school ’cause I had frostbite and I lost most of me toes. But my mum was always still there for me. At night she’d still sing those little songs. ”This little piggy went to market. ”Good night, love.” I used to get teased a lot by me brother, said I was adopted. Did you ever get that at school? ”You’re adopted!” My brother used to say it all the time in the playground. I used to cry. Honestly, I was so upset. I cried so hard once, me dad come up to me… He was brilliant, my dad. He put his arm round me like that, and do you know what he said? [IN CHINESE ACCENT] ”You don’t listen to him! He bad boy! He lie! You my son! ”He very bad lie-boy. ”You go loom, no lies! Very bad lie-boy. You my son.”

I’m obsessed with the Chinese accent. See, Chinese, it’s the most difficult language in the world to learn. In fact, I think it is so difficult to learn Chinese, I don’t even think Chinese understand it. ‘Cause if you go to China, they repeat it in English at the train stations after they’ve announced it in Chinese. That’s not for our benefit. I don’t even think it’s for their benefit. I think the bloke announcing it has just given up halfway. I think he’s just going… [SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE] ”Next train leave in 10 minutes. I can’t fucking do this. It too difficult. ”Why can’t we use the alphabet? ”All these squiggly line. It very hard. Don’t like it. Bye, Mr Wangtong.”

Hello, madam, with the thing going on. You there, with the… Not you, mate. I’m not looking at you, am I? Fuck me. Most people don’t mention the lazy eye. You all right? Yes, you at the back, in the top. I’m looking at you now! You! Ooh, that hurt, that. You with the thing on. And the going on thing with the glasses.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you doing?

Very well.

Are you in a relationship?

No.

Me neither. I was lying before. Hello. The wise man said, ”If you love somebody, you’ve got to let them go.” Actually, they didn’t say that, they said, ”If you love her, let her go! ”Then come out with your hands on your head!”

And what’s your name, madam?

Gemma.

Gemma. Can I call you Gem? ‘Cause I’m Lee, so you don’t… It’s great being Lee. You don’t any get nicknames in the playground, which was good. Apart from ”Lee-Lee, stinks of wee”. That never bothered me. And if I’m gonna be honest, my middle name’s Gordon. So, I used to get… # Gordon is a moron # So I’d get, # Lee, Lee, sticks of wee and he is a moron # Mack # But they’re not laughing now, are they? They were over 35 quid, these shoes. And if I’m gonna be honest, my surname’s not really Mack, it’s MacKillop. So I used to get, # Lee MacKillop, silly little pillock He’s a little moron, stinks of wee wee # 36 years old, get out of our playground you dirty old pervert # Just a little thing that they used to sing. I never really got it.

See, names are very important, aren’t they? That’s why we won the Rugby World Cup. ‘Cause of one name, Jonny Wilkinson. What a great name that is, isn’t it? Jonny… Got rugby fans in? I’m not a big rugby fan but doesn’t it move your spirit when they all start singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot? Nothing moves my spirit more than hearing 35,000 white middle-class people singing a black slave song. Gets you right… Don’t be embarrassed, mate. The black slaves were just as bad. They used to sing Dire Straits numbers, so it’s swings and roundabouts. But, Jonny, how much of a proper rugby name is that? Jonny Wilkinson. What a macho rugby name that is. Named after the two most macho products you can get on the British market. The rubber condom and the triple-headed razor. What was the Australian flyhalf called? Elton Flatley. That’s not quite as hard, is it, when you’re named after the two campest men in showbiz. Jonny Wilkinson’s got all these moves going on and their bloke’s just going… # Rocket man # Daniel, my brother #

That’s my vague attempt at Riverdance in case you’re wondering what that is, by the way. It’s very easy to do Riverdance. You just gotta stand there going, [IN IRISH ACCENT] ”Can you smell dog shit? Seamus, can you smell dog shit? ”Who stood in dog shit? Is it you? Is it me? Is it me? It’s fucking me. ”I stood in dog shit again. I hate that shit. ”I hate that.”

Don’t make the mistake I made. If you ever go and see Riverdance, never buy the cheap tickets. I went to see Riverdance, 10 quid to get in. I remember thinking that’s very cheap, big West End show. The reason why is you end up sitting at the back of the room, and the seats at the back are lower down than the ones in the front. I’m trying to watch the show, I’ve got all these big heads in front of me and I could only see the dancers from the waist up. Now, I’m a big fan of Irish dancing, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not exactly known for that upper body enthusiasm, is it? I spent two hours watching Michael Flatley going like this. These are sound effects, by the way, that’s not his cock. I managed to see that. I thought that was it. I thought that’s how you impress Irish people. You can imagine my embarrassment on the dance floor a few weeks later in Dublin. I met this girl. I was chatting her up in my usual classy, Northern way. ”All right, love. Are you an electrician?” She went, ”Why?” I said, ”When you came in the room tonight, you gave off a certain spark ”that sent a current racing through my body.” And she said, ”Are you a fishmonger?” I said, ”Why?” And she said, ”’Cause you fucking stink.” But it didn’t put me off, I said, ”Come on, let’s dance. This will impress you.”

Have we got any Irish people in, by the way?

Yeah!

Whereabouts in Ireland? Here’s one for you. How many Protestants does it take to change a light bulb? One. They’re brilliant. But how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? One. They’re brilliant, too. Hello. Please don’t hurt me. Good night.

Whereabouts in Ireland are you from?

Cork.

You’re from Cone?

Cork.

Cold?

Cork.

Court?

Cork.

Cork. Oh, right! Fuck me, you really are Cockney, aren’t you? Cork! [IN COCKNEY ACCENT] Oh, fucking started again. Fuck! Cork. Cork. Oh, fuck. I’ve gone… I’ve fucking gone Cork. Cork. Fuck. Help me. I’m melting, Dorothy, I’m melting. Cork. Cork! Cork, you silly Cockney cock. Cork. I’m gonna have to work on me catchphrases, aren’t I? Wouldn’t it be great if Bruce Forsyth chatted to people like this? ”Where you from? Where you from? ”Cork, you silly Cockney cock. My God. ”I’ll tell you, you can’t fucking do anything. Cunts! ”Fuck me. I don’t know. Haven’t got all fucking day.”

Ireland. Ireland’s brilliant. Ireland’s the best place in the world to do gigs. I’m used to living in London, you know what that’s like. ”Hello, have you got the right time?” ”Fuck off! I ain’t got time for anything. Especially you, you cunt. You fucking cunt.” I don’t know why I keep doing that. I’ve been watching lots of Tommy Steele films recently. I love Tommy Steele films. They just sing about anything for no apparent reason. ”Oh, look, Tommy’s dropped his pencil on the floor.” ”He’s done what?” ”He’s dropped his pencil on the floor.” ”He’s done what?” # He’s dropped his bloomin’ pencil on the floor # Oh, Tommy’s dropped his pencil on the… # When I first went to London, I thought that’s all Cockneys did. I just got off the train thinking, ”Wow, this is London.” People were coming up to me going, ”Have you got the time?” I was going, # Have I got the time? Have I got the time? # I’ll tell you the fucking time It’s after three # ”Fuck off, you Northern cunt.” # Oh, he called me a cunt # He don’t mean no harm He’s just having a laugh # [GROANING] # Oh, I’m bleeding to death Phone the ambulance # Got into a fight with him, ended up in court. [ENUNCIATING] Sorry, ”court”.

It’s different in Ireland. It’s, ”Have you got the right time?” [IN IRISH ACCENT] ”Oh, yes, I do. ”And I’ve also got a lovely roast chicken in the oven at home. ”Would you come back, meet the wife, ”you can sleep with her if you like, we’re all fucking friendly.” I say it’s friendly. I actually got mugged in Limerick. That’s the place, by the way, not the style. I don’t mean someone came up to me and went, ”Hello, my name is Pete I’m standing in the street ”Don’t be rash, give me your cash Or I’ll boot you in the teeth” ”Hello there, Officer Is that the police? ”Hello, my name is Lee A man is mugging me ”Bring your stick and hit him quick Come on, he’s getting free”

I don’t do a lot of travelling. I’ll be honest, I’m a bit of an Anglophile. That’s not the same as a paedophile, by the way. I only touch up fishermen’s kids. That’s a very odd reaction. Half of you outraged by the concept of paedophilia, the other half going, ”Please, no puns.”

Tell you who annoy me at the moment, the French. Do you remember what they said about our Olympic bid? ”Oh, you can’t have the Olympics in England.” ”Why is that?” ”Because your food’s crap.” ”Oh, is that right, Mr Froggy Cousteau? ”I don’t care what you think about…” If there’s any French people in the audience tonight, laugh all you like about our crappy food. You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14-year-old boy thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going, ”Oh, hello. ”There’s little sausages in there.”

You can’t win with the French. I went to a French restaurant recently, I thought, ”I’ll make the effort, I’ll order in French.” When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Me dad taught me that just before he was jailed in Italy for killing 20,000 Christians. This waiter came in and I was trying to order the egg custard. And I said, ”Have you got, le creme d’oeuf?” And this waiter went, ”It’s not le creme d’oeuf. ”It’s la creme d’oeuf. ”It’s feminine.” I said, ”It’s not feminine, is it? ”It’s an egg custard. ”What do I need to know the sex of an egg custard for? ”I want to eat it. ”Not fuck it. ”Excuse the French.”

I shouldn’t swear in my act. My nan used to say, ”Don’t swear in your act. Don’t even say God. Say gosh. ”Only say God if you want to talk to him. ”Otherwise you’ll distract him from helping the poor.” I used to say, ”It’s a good point, Nan. ”But put some clothes on and get out of the fucking wheelbarrow.”

I remember the last thing she said to me just before she died. She said, ”What are you doing in here with that hammer?” No. Do you know what she said? She was mental. I had to do it. She used to say things like, ”Here’s £?5, don’t tell your mother.” I’d say, ”Why not?” And she’d say, ”It’s hers.”

She was great. She used to say things like, ”Red sky at night, Angel Delight. ”Red sky in the morning, Angel Delight.” She was obsessed with Angel Delight. ”Stop it, Nan, we can’t afford the milk.” ”Fuck you, I’ll snort it.” All right?

She was great, my nan. She had a great way with words. It was very sad once. My grandad went into this home. Very sad, wasn’t his home. ”Go on, Grandad, get us a telly.” No, it was very sad. He went into this home, right. And we rang up. Very, very sad. I said, ”How is he getting on in the home?” She went, ”Oh, he’s like a fish out of water.” I said, ”Is he finding it hard to adjust?” She said, ”No, he’s dead.” She was mental.

I once found the worst possible thing to find under a grandmother’s bed. Do you know what I found? Wacky backy. Yeah. It wasn’t the drug, the Sri Lankan wicketkeeper. My favourite one of all was, ”Find a penny, pick it up. ”And all day long, ”Angel Delight!”

But do you know what? That’s not how I remember the old wizened whore. I remember I went to see her as a little boy. I said, ”Don’t dress as a little boy, Nan. It’s not you.” I went to see her as a little… ”I love the Krankies.” ”I don’t care. It’s actually humiliating.” I went to see her as a little boy. She was great. She always used to give me advice. I remember once she taught me that there was a very fine line between the Heimlich manoeuvre and sodomy. To be fair, it wasn’t just her. The magistrate told me that as well. What was it he said again? ”You can only use it on strangers in the public ”if they are choking on a solid object or a piece of food.” And not, apparently, if they’re just stood alone at a bus stop, looking coy but strangely available, eh? Come on!

But I did ask for some advice once. I remember saying to her, ”Nan, it’s a crazy world. ”What is love?” My nan told me something I’ll never forget. She said, ”You know, I’ve always thought of it as something very natural and very organic. ”Oh, yes! On the outside, it’s tough. ”And it’s ugly and it’s hard. ”But let it grow naturally and look inside. ”And you’ll see it’s soft ”and it’s gentle.” And I said, ”That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. ”Do you really believe that’s what love is?” And she said, ”Love? ”I’m sorry. I thought you said a melon.”

Did you ever do that thing when you were a kid where you try and swear in front of your nan to try and impress your mates? How many swear words can you get in without Nan noticing? Be like, ”Anyone for coffee? Anyone fuck off-ee? ”Is it half a cup? Ha-fuck up, is it? ”What time is it?” ”Tampax two.” ”Tampax two?” ”Durex expect me to believe that?” ”It’s jolly well possible.” ”Anyone fuck off-ee, Nan?” The last time we tried it we were in a Chinese restaurant. ”Oh, Nan, there’s no fork and knife. What we gonna do? ”Nan, there’s no fork and knife. Nan, there’s no fork and knife. ”What we gonna do?” She went, ”I don’t know. ”Try and use the fork and chopsticks, you patronising pair of little cunts.”

That was her attitude. If you can’t beat them, what’s the point in having kids? I’m obsessed with swearing. I’m absolutely obsessed with it. On TV you can’t swear till 9:30. Then after that you can do what you want. Why? I think the BBC think, as a nation, we’re all just stood round going, ”Oh, Marjorie, could you possibly pass me the bread sauce? This fish is simply divine.” ”Why, certainly, Kenneth. It really is a tasty salmon. ”Tell me, my darling, are you aware of the time?” ”Why, allow me to check on my small, pocket, antique, silver wristwatch ”left for me by Grandpapa all of these years ago in his will. ”Why, I believe it has just gone the hour of 9:30. ”Thank fuck for that. Let’s get cunts and shit on the Christmas tree, you dirty bitch.” # Fuck your auntie up the w******** Shit, balls, fanny, fuck # Look out for this song. I’m bringing it out at Christmas.

My favourite swear word at the moment, right, my favourite is ”motherfucker”. Great swear word, that, innit? Motherfucker. I particularly like ”bad motherfucker”. What a great phrase that is. Bad motherfucker. If ever there was a reason not to use the word ”bad”, it’s before the word ”motherfucker”. You see, I can’t help thinking, if you fuck your mum, right, it doesn’t really matter how good or bad you are at it. I can’t imagine anyone being swayed by the adjective, can you? ”See that bloke over there?” ”Yeah.” ”He fucks his mum.” ”So?” ”Wait, there’s more. ”He’s really bad at it.” ”Oh! Well, that is a disgrace!” ”Make an effort if you’re gonna fuck your mum. Put some candles round the bath. ”Come on! Have some self-respect, you bad motherfucker, eh? ”West Side.”

The swearing in London’s worse. I went to a cocktail bar the other day with my wife and I could not believe the names they’ve got for cocktails down here. Shocked, right? They had one called Sex on a Beach. Oh, hello. They had one called a Slow Comfortable Screw. Yes. They even had one called an Orgasm. [GASPING] We couldn’t make our minds up what to have. In the end, my wife went for something called a Fist-Fuck off a Waiter Named Tony. And I had… What did I have? Half a mild. Lovely night.

I do like drinking, though. Not too much, you know, just till the screaming in me head stops. I do it for the taste and the aroma. Mmm. I’m getting pissed.

I’ve got a confession to make, actually. I’m drinking and driving tonight. Yeah. Fuck them. There’s an advertising campaign you won’t see this Christmas. Everyone says it’s wrong, drinking and driving. I can tell you two things that are more dangerous than drinking and driving. One, drinking. Two, driving. Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse? 35,000. Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car? 22,000. Do you know how many people were killed as direct result of drinking and driving? 500. I’m not taking any fucking chances. Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as direct result of drinking and driving and juggling? Two. Yeah, I’m not saying it’s completely safe. I’m not telling you how to live your lives. I’m just here to give you the statistics. You make your own minds up. All I will say is, if you’re drinking and driving tonight, three tennis balls in the glove box. ”Been drinking, have we, sir?” ”A little bit. I went to see Lee Mack ”and everything appears to be under control, thank you. ”Ooh! ”Dropped one, cheeky. ”Don’t you run away.”

Actually, I’m not condoning it. It’s wrong to drink and drive. It is for me. I haven’t got a licence. It is wrong, isn’t it? Can anyone answer this question? I was on me driving test, and this is why I failed, I was driving along and suddenly… If an animal runs out in front of the car, what are you supposed to do in your test? -Does anyone know the right answer?

Hit it.

Hit it. It’s actually run it over, but give it that violent edge, why don’t you? The correct answer is you got to continue to drive and run it over ’cause anything else is a danger to other road users. I’m on my test, everything is going great, suddenly this goat ran out in front of the car, so I remembered what he said, and I kept driving. Few seconds later, I look in the rear-view mirror. The goat is fine. I’ve missed him by millimetres. Now, obviously, I didn’t want to fail me test. So I slapped it in reverse, like that. I must have been chasing him through that field for 45 minutes before I ran over his head, and he still failed me. Where’s the justice in that?

I don’t know anything about cars, really. I have passed me test now. In fact, all I know about cars is the bigger the car, the smaller your willy. I’ve got a mini. So I have to drive a really big car.

I’ve never understood cars. I never know what Jeremy Clarkson’s going on about. Every time I turn the TV on, he’s just looking at me going, ”If I said to you, ‘Shetak Fertango,’ you’d say, ‘Excessive rear-end flange injection ”’and overly-keen knocking valves.”’ No, Jeremy, I’d say, ”Has it got a cup holder? Will it make birds touch me cock?” The day I buy a brand-new car is when they’ve got the honesty to just do a real advert and just say, ”The new Audi Doody. It’s quicker than walking ”and you won’t have to sit next to a pikey on the bus.”

Do you do that thing as well? When you’re driving along, I shove the phone between my legs, I don’t know if you do this. I’m texting away… My girlfriend says I shouldn’t do that ’cause of the radiation. I just think, ”Fuck it, the phone’s insured.” I’m trying to do this thing where I’m trying to turn off predictive texting. Why have we got predictive texting? Why do we need it? We’re not predictive talking, why do we need predictive writing? It’d be great if we did have predictive talking. That’d be brilliant. ”Where’d you go today?” ”Today? Me? ”I wallabyed, I wanked, I washed, I walked. I can’t turn it off. ”Tip, top, to! I walked to the Sharon’s, the ships, the shops! ”I walked to the shops. I can’t turn it off. Predictive thinking.” I reckon that’s what Tourette’s is. Tourette’s is just predictive talking that people can’t turn off. ”What’d you have for your dinner?” ”Fuck off… Fish and chips. ”And mushy cunts… Peas! Mushy peas! I can’t turn it off!” Did I really say ”mushy cunts”, then?

Sit down! Sit down now, you hoody freak. Get back. Get back. Get back now. Piss on the seat and do what the others have done. You thought I didn’t fucking notice. You’re like, ”Should I go? Should I go? ”Should I go? Should I go? He’s mid-joke. He’ll never get me now. ”Oh, shit.” Fucking great. I got to wait now. He’s paid. -Part of the rules. I gotta wait.

Time him.

What? Time him? Very competitive bloke response. ”Time him. Go on, time him. ”I’ll see if I can beat him and we’ll have a mini-league. Time him.” Bet you’re fucking great fun to be at home with. ”I’m just gonna go for a piss.” ”Oh, great, I’ll time you. See if you can beat your personal record. ”Poo or piss, poo or piss?” ”Both.” ”Both, both, brilliant! We haven’t done both!” Fucking time him. What a weirdo. How is that gonna help the situation? Three and a half minutes of silence and no jokes as we wait. No laughs, but look on the bright side. We know he was exactly three minutes and 45 seconds.

What’s your name, sir? Who said, ”Time him”? Give me a wave if you said, ”Time him.”

MAN: This man here.

Oh, he’s up there! Fuck. All right, mate? You were quick. You got from there to there in 0.7 seconds. Brilliant. It’s your personal best. Time that, motherfucker.

What’s your name?

Shane.

Shane. And what do you do, Shane?

Nothing.

Nothing. What’s your fastest you’ve ever done that? God bless you for trying to work that out. ”Is that a trick question?”

And how old are you?

Seventeen.

Seventeen. Looking forward to Christmas? Seventeen. Bless your cotton socks. It’s quite a young-looking crowd in tonight.

How old are you there? Eighteen? Am I in the right gig? Were you expecting a clown? Is that… That’s what’s happened. I’ve stumbled in… That’s why it’s so brightly coloured. I’ve turned up on the wrong set. There’s probably another theatre next door. Some clown’s dying on his ass. ”Bigger? Bigger?” ”Fuck off, you’re shit!” ”There’s no need for that. I’ll take me custard pies and go home.” [HONKING] How’d you get back there? How the hell did you do that? He was timing you, the freak. He waits outside your bathroom and he knows your personal best is three and a half minutes to have a big poo. How fucking mental is he? Do you know what he does? Nothing. Lazy shit.

What do you do?

I work in IT. You work in IT. That’s interesting. [SNORING]

Talking of record attempts, what’s the longest you’ve gone in a day before you’ve considered taking your own life?

What’s the name of the company?

Er… [SNORING] That is so immature. I’m so sorry. What’s the… I won’t do it again. That’s childish. What’s the… What position are you in? Are you… Wind the window down. Wind it down. Radio 4. Lots of fan.

Do you ever do that thing when you fall… I always do this. You know if your passenger falls asleep. It’s annoying. You’re doing all the driving, you’re feeling tired, he falls asleep. Just play this little game. It’s great. Just as he’s waking up, keep your right eye on the road, just close your left eye. [SNORING] ”Watch the fucking road!” ”Are we there? Are we there? ”How long was I gone this time?” ”I timed you and you were gone for 47 seconds. ”47 seconds you were gone, and you also had a poo, so two records in one.”

I knew it was gonna be a good day this morning when I woke up. No, I was… I got a very good review this morning. ”Prompt and efficient payer,” eBay. I might not be the best comedian you’ll ever see in the world, but there’s one thing you can guarantee from me. If you buy a Haynes manual for a 1982 Ford Capri you know it’s gonna be, and I quote, ”Nicely packaged.”

I also got a phone call off the HSBC this morning. They said, ”When you gonna pay off this overdraft?” I said, ”You know what? In some parts of Southeast Asia ”it’s considered rude to ring people up and ask them for money.” He said, ”What are you talking about?” I said, ”I don’t know. You started it.”

My favourite adverts are those ones when you come in at night and turn the television on, some bloke’s just shouting at you going, ”Are you in debt? Are you in lots of debt? ”Do you need to get out of debt? ”Why not consolidate all of your debt into one simple, easy debt?” And how the fuck is that gonna help? You don’t do that with any of your other problems, do you? ”Have you got kids? Are they naughty kids? Have you got lots of naughty kids? ”Three naughty kids? Get rid of them. Get one, big, fat fuck all and consolidate it. ”Consolidate it to a big, fat naughty kid. Chuck them off a cliff.” ”What are you on about?” ”Sign it!”

The best adverts are the Australian ones. They’ve all gone for the mentally ill theme for some reason. Go to Australia and turn the television on, I guarantee some bloke will be shouting at you, ”Come to Frank’s Crazy Carpets half-price sale. We got crazy deals ’cause we’re Crazy Carpets. ”I must be bonkers. 50% off at Frank’s Crazy Bonkers Carpets. ”What’s the matter with me? I’ll tell you. ”I’m half-price, carpet-bonkers crazy this bank holiday Monday.” ”I’m John Shed and I’ve gone shed-mental at Shed World. ”33% off a shed? Am I insane? Of course I’m insane. I’m John Shed. ”Me ass is made out of cornflakes. And I invented the snot sausage. ”Buy a shed off me.”

That’s what they should do. They should get proper mentally ill people to reclaim the word and just do their own adverts. ”Hello, I’m Brian Trifle and am I going crazy? Of course I’m going crazy. ”I live in an mental institution in Woolloomooloo. ”Why don’t you come round this bank holiday Monday ”and watch me run round the table tennis room with me underpants round me ankles ”shouting, ‘Look at me, I’m a chocolate biscuit.’ ”I’ve got me mother’s nightie on and I think I’m Jesus. ”Yes, I’m Brian Trifle. I’m fucked up and I’m mentally unstable. ”This bank holiday Monday. I’ve got a knife. Stab you in the face. Buy a shed off me.”

I’ll tell you the best ones in the world, without any shadow of a doubt, the French perfume adverts. They make so much sense, don’t they? [IN FRENCH ACCENT] ”I see her, I want her. She is what she is. ”She sees, but she is blind. ”She has legs, but she has no legs. She is alive, but she is dead. ”She’s a woman, but she’s a monkey. ”And I know that I want her because she is what she is. ”And what she is is a blind, dead, disabled monkey. ”And I know that I want her. Shalimar by Guerlain.” What the fuck does it smell of?

They’ve got equally pretentious adverts in France. The British adverts in France, they’re the most pretentious in the world. ”I see her on t’beach. She’s got it in her hand. ”It’s a pie. I love pies. I go over. But wait, it’s not a pie. ”It’s like a pie, but it’s smaller, and inside it’s peas and carrots and gravy and mince. ”And I know that I want it ’cause it is what it is. ”And what it is is pasties by Ginster.”

Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a lovely audience. And I’d like to finish off tonight with some simple words from my father. He said, ”Son, wherever you go, always remember, you can fool some of the people all of the time ”and all of the people some of the time. ”But you can’t fool some of the people all of the time.” And I said, ”You just said you could, Dad.” And he said, ”Yeah, I know. ”But what I meant to say was, you can’t fool all of the people ”some of the time.” And I said, ”Get it right, for God’s sake, Dad.” And he says, ”Fuck off, you’re adopted anyway.”

So, thank you very much. You’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much, Bloomsbury Theatre! Thank you very much. Good night.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hello. Oh, I hate that bit. What’d I do that for? I knew I was coming back. You knew I was coming back. Might as well fucking stay here and crack on. Suppose it’d be considered a little arrogant if I stood here and went, ”Well, that’s the end of the show. I know I’m getting an encore, ”so I’ll just stay here and crack on if that’s all right.”

I got stopped by a market researcher today. She said, ”Can I ask you 10 quick questions?” I went, ”Go on.” She went, ”Question number one. Have you ever had a blackout?” I said, ”No.” She went, ”And finally, question number 10.”

So, any questions? You got any questions?

MAN: What football team do you support?

What football team do I support?

Colchester. Blackburn. Runcorn. Arsenal.

[CHEERING]

Arsenal.

[PEOPLE SHOUTING OUT]

Oh, hello, there’s one at the front from the painter and decorator.

You’re a really confident bloke, yeah?

You say that. Inside I’m dying. Inside I die every night. I’m looking at you with your lovely wife and mine with her hunchback and her crippled face. Thank you for giving me the most unusual question in a 42-date tour. ”You are confident.”

You’re a confident bloke, yeah?

Still? -Still?

You are. But you said I was confident before.

You are.

I am confident. I am.

But…

Oh, hello. But… But? This is the bit I’m not so sure about. You’ve got that sort of look about you as if to go, ”I’ve done the living room, right? And that’s all gone great. ”And the bathroom, right, sweet as! You are gonna love it. ”Everything is fucking perfect. ”Your life has been dramatically improved, but… ”I’ve killed your fucking dog.” -I’m sorry. There’s a question.

You’re a confident bloke.

Yeah. I’m a confident bloke.

But have you got a big k*** to go with it?

That wasn’t my legs. That was my cock.

WOMAN: [IN SCOUSE ACCENT] Where are you from? I’m not from fucking Liverpool. Ooh, didn’t that just fucking hurt your ears?

WOMAN AND MAN: Where’d you get your shoes from? One at a time. That was really weird. They both asked the same question. They both asked the same question. [LOW-PITCHED] ”Where’d you…” [HIGH-PITCHED] ”Where’d you…” Unless it’s the same person and you’re pre-op. Is that it? [VOICE CRACKING] ”Where’d you get your shoes from? [HIGH-PITCHED] ”Sorry, it just went funny halfway through the sentence. ”I’ve just had it lobbed off and it keeps coming and going. [HIGH-PITCHED] ”Sorry. [VOICE CRACKING] ”Coming and going.” [LAUGHING] Where’d I get me shoes from? I got them from the shoe shop.

WOMAN: They look like bowling shoes.

They look like bowling shoes? Well, fuck-i-dee-doo. They are actually bowling shoes. ‘Cause I used to work in a bowling alley. And I just thought, ”I’ll nick them. Sod it.” Didn’t bother me ’cause it wasn’t a permanent job. I was ten-pin. Where’d you get your shoes? Have you got shoes? Where I’m from, that is actually a genuine chat-up line. I’m from Lancashire. ”Hey, have you got shoes?” ”I have.” ”Hey, fuck off, she’s mine. I’ve spat on this one.”

Any other questions?

MAN: How’s things at home?

What? How are things at home? They’re fine thanks, Grandad. Aye, they’re not bad. They’re fettling. The man with the fucking blue, woolly hat on. ”Hey, how’s things at home? ”You all right? Is the gas central heating warm for you? ”They’re the wrong trousers, Gromit!”

Any final questions? I like this bit ’cause some of you are looking at me going, ”It’s the end of your tour, Lee. You’re being self-indulgent. We need a fucking piss.” Well, is that helping? Oh, I tell you what, that is fucking great. [MOANING] We’ll cut that bit out and go, ”Fuck, he wasn’t very confident after all, was he?” Fucking hell. Well, listen, you’ve been a…

I’m sorry to take the piss out of your Scouse accent. I’m Lancashire by the way, right? Which isn’t proper Lancashire. Proper Lancashire’s surprised as fuck about everything all the time. ”Really? Shoes in a shoe shop? Couldn’t believe it. ”Really? Really? I opened a newspaper, there were newspaper print and everything.”

My favourite accent is actually the Geordie accent. I love the fact that it starts off hard as nails and ends up terrified. Go up to any Geordie bloke and go, ”What are you doing tonight?” He’ll go, ”Me? I’m just going down the road, like, ”having a pint of lager and a packet of crisps and then outside for a fight.” [LOW-PITCHED] ”I started off like that, hard as fucking nails. ”And then halfway through the sentence ”I started running out of breath and going all high-pitched, ”and then I started fucking shitting meself.” Maybe they’ve just worked out they haven’t got a jacket and it’s freezing. ”Excuse me, mate, you haven’t got a…” ”I don’t need a fuckingjacket. I’m as hard as fucking nails. ”No, you’re right, it is a bit chilly. I think I’ll go home and get me shawl. ”Me little nipples have gone all hard.”

My favourite accent’s actually the South African accent. I love the fact that it’s just a record recorded backwards. You know if you record a record backwards and then play it backwards, it sounds forwards, doesn’t it? That’s all that South African is. It’s like, ”What do you do for a living?” ”Work in fucking Johannesburg and I don’t like you, you fucking shit” [IMITATING RECORD PLAYING BACKWARDS] ”Kill your parents. Kill them. Kill them. Kill your parents. ”Kill them. Beelzebub! Beelzebub!”

Whereas the Australians, they just sound like a record that won’t start properly. ”What you do for a living?” ”Errr…I work in a bank, mate.” ”How long have you done that for?” ”Aaaaaabout 40 fucking years.”

Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you very much for coming to the show and good night! Thanks very much. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you, London Town. Good night.