Man: [rapping]
♪ damn, damn, damn ♪
♪ feel my flow, act like you don’t know ♪
♪ but you do, it’s chad smith ♪
♪ who are you? ♪
♪ Come through the door, and the party for sho ♪
♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪
♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪
♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪
♪ after that, does it hurt? ♪
♪ And make it jerk ♪
♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪
♪ Something like every night ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ that’s what I do ♪
♪ short hair on a bitch is cool ♪
♪ we’re changing a little bit ♪

[Rap music continues]

[Cheers and applause continue]

D’Elia: What’s up?! Thank you for coming out here, man. New Orleans — all right, this is awesome, man.

Man: [shouts indistinctly]

D’Elia: Yeah, man. Careful with that, man.

[Laughter] People in New Orleans are always drunk. [Laughter] all the time. It’s like 11:00 in the morning, and people are just like [grunts drunkenly] [Laughter] “whatever! “Drink it. Let’s bring it outside. We can drink outside, man.” People get drunk, man. Dudes get drunk. Nobody gets more drunk than a girl, man. [Laughter] yeah, girls get way drunker than dudes. Yeah. No, it’s true. Girls get drunk. [Slurring] “hey, you know what? Uh, excuse me. Uh…” [Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

[Normal voice] I always knew when my ex would get way too drunk ’cause she would always say this. [Slurring] “guess what? You do the math.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] like, “yo, I did the math. Eight shots equals too many.” [Laughter] [slurring] “yeah, exactly, exactly. So, uh, what’s your point? What’s your point?” [Laughter] “exactly, yeah. Exactly!” [Laughter] [Normal voice] one drunk girl, I can handle. I can’t handle more than one. Girls get drunk when they’re together, it’s way worse. They’re like voltron. Their powers are much stronger when combined. [Slurring] “yeah, I’ll form the head. Whoo!” [Normal voice] girls get drunk, man, they act like it’s an accomplishment. They’ll have one too many drinks and be like, [slurring] “we made it!” [Laughter] “whoo! We did it! We made it! Ooh, ooh!” [Laughter] “da-da!” [Normal voice] what did you make? You made a fool of yourself, is what you made. Girl get drunk, man, and they don’t even know what they’re talking about. They think they do. [Slurring] “hey, get guess? You don’t even know — you know what is it?” [Laughter] “excuse me. Where — where are you going? You don’t know what it is it?” [Laughter] “yeah, you don’t know what is [mumbling] is that what it is? O-o-h!” [Laughter] “excuse me. [Mumbles] saying it? “What it is, isn’t it worth saying? “[Mumbling] Barack Obama. Is that what it is?” “Yeah. Yes, exactly. It doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t even matter.” [Normal voice] nothing matters to a drunk girl at all. [Laughter] nothing! You’d be like, “yo, there’s a crocodile right next to you.” [Slurring] “uh, excuse me. I have a question for you.” [Laughter] “uh, is it your crocodile?” [Laughter] “no, exactly.” [Normal voice] they’ll just add to it. [Slurring] “you’re afraid that it’s gonna take your job. “Is that what it is? “Are you scared a crocodile is gonna take your job? “Hello, it doesn’t even have pants on. “You can’t — how many people have no pants with a job? You can’t.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “do you even need me for this conversation?” [Slurring] “no, I don’t need it. “I don’t need it. I’m an independent woman. “I don’t need you! I don’t need your help. “I just sit here. The shoes on my feet. I bought them. I don’t care.”

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

“You don’t know me. “You — you’re saying that you know me, “all of the friends around. [Gags] if you — hey.” [Laughter] “you’re saying that you ‘know’ me “with [gags] all the friends around. “No. [Gags] “you know? [Gags]” [Normal voice] hey, drunk girls are the only people on the planet that can almost throw up and not care about it at all. [Laughter] right? If you’re a dude and you almost throw up, you know “game over” immediately, right? You’ll be like, “hey, bro [gags] get my things!” [Laughter] “[gags] nobody move! Stay where you [gagging]” girls don’t do that. Girls don’t care at all. Girls just be like… [Slurring] “hey [gags] where are you going?” [Laughter] “[gags] “[giggles drunkenly] [gags] this is my song!” [Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

“[gags] “I love this song! “[Gags] I love Rihanna, I love Rihanna! “[Gags] I’m Rihanna! I’m her! [Gags]” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, you almost threw up.” [Slurring] “it doesn’t even matter.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] girls get that drunk. Dudes don’t. Dudes don’t get that drunk, man. Girls get drunk, and they’ll dance around. Dudes get drunk, they just sit down, right? That’s a dude move. A dude will have one too many drinks and just be like, [slurring] “hey, you know what I mean? Um, all right, forget it.” [Laughter] “you know what I mean? “I hate this party. Screw this party. I hate this party.” [Normal voice] they’re not even at a party. Just [slurring] “everybody out! Now! I want everybody out! Out!” [Normal voice] they’re alone in their bed. “Get out!” [Slurring] “everybody, out. Let’s go get fast food now.” [Laughs] that’s the move, man. That’s — all my friends will get drunk, and then at the end of the night, they want to get fast food. That’s a move, man. But I’m never more annoyed than when I’m at the drive-through, and there’s drunk people in the backseat, right? It’s so annoying, man, ’cause they always order better than you. You know what I mean? Like, first of all, it’s easy. I got it. Second of all, I’m the sober one, so you relax, okay? There’s always somebody in the back just like, [slurring] “hey, get me a seven. I want a seven!” “I want a — tom, tell the guy I want a seven. “Tell the guy. Hey, you, tell him to tell the guy I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shut up. Shut up.” [Slurring] “what? Why would I be quiet? Why? “You know what? “Maybe if I didn’t want a seven, then I’d be like… “But I do. “[Gags] I do. I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shh! Be quiet.” [Slurring] “what?” [Normal voice] “I already ordered the seven. “If you order the seven, then we’re gonna get two sevens. I don’t want two sevens.” [Slurring] “I don’t want two sevens. “I want one seven, okay? “Maybe if I wanted two sevens, I would get a 14, okay? “But I don’t. “[Gags] “I don’t want that. You do the math. I don’t want that. I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet.” You’re not even at the drive-through yet. You’re at a red light on canal street.

[Cheers and applause]

She’s screaming at a Kinko’s with the window rolled up. [Slurring] “I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet!” And why is there always some jerk sitting next to her that’s just like, “seriously, bro, just get her a seven”? [Laughter] [slurring] “I hate this party. Everybody out.” [Normal voice] Girls get drunk like that, man. You ever see a girl get so drunk it looks like she goes back in time for three seconds? That’s a move girls have. They’ll just be like, [slurring] “hey!” [Inhales deeply] “where am i? Oh, I’m still here. It doesn’t even matter.” [Gags] [Normal voice] yeah, girls don’t make sense. You never understand — when they’re drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, but, also, when girls are not drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, man. Yeah!

[Cheers and applause]

[laughs] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s true. This one’s like, “no. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s not.” It’s not? It’s not? Yeah, the dude’s with her. He’s like, “it’s not, man. It’s not.” [Laughter] “it’s not, honey. It’s not.” [Laughter] yeah, girls do — girls do just talk, though. See, right there. Girls love chiming in, right? [Laughs] nobody likes chiming in more than a girl. Girl will just be like, “you know what else?” And you’re like, “yeah, yeah. What?” “I don’t know. Just, like, what are you guys talking about?” Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. Girls like to use words — sometimes they don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. Like, the words that they use, they’re not even in the right place. Girls pick words that they like and then just run with it. Girls are on some new thing where they’re calling everything random. Girls will say something’s random, it’s not even random. A girl will be like, “oh, my god, you’re wearing a jacket. That’s so random.” It’s not random. It’s winter. You know what I mean? [Laughter] yeah, you know what would be random? If it wasn’t winter, I was still wearing a jacket, and then I ate a monkey. That would be random.

[Laughter]

I had a girl tell me the other day this. She said, “you know what? You text me at the most random times in the day.” I was like, “really? When are those times? Like, when are random times that happen during the day?” She was like, “I don’t know. It’s just random whenever you text me, god.” I was like, “yeah, but tell me when those random times are so I can text you the other times, yeah?” This is what she hit me with. She said, “I don’t know. “Whatever’s random to one person isn’t necessarily random to the next.” [Laughter] like, yo, you can’t just make up a saying like you’re Yoda, and then the conversation’s over. You got to mean something when you talk, and don’t tweet a picture of a salad. That’s the main point I’m trying to get at.

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

Girls do just use words. Sometimes they use phrases. They don’t even think about what they mean. Here’s something common a girl would say when you’re trying to have sex with her. This is something a girl says often when you’re trying to get her into bed. She’ll go like this. “Um, hello, you can’t handle this.” [Laughs] “uh, excuse me. You think you can’t handle this? No, you can’t handle this.” [Normal voice] yo, I can! [Laughter] what are you talking about? It’s just sex. I’ve had it six times before. I know how it goes down. [Laughter] [applause] yo, I go inside you. 4 1/2 Minutes, it’s over. That’s what happens, man. Yeah, I end up feeling good. You feel kind of okay. That’s what happens, man. What do you mean I can’t handle it? You’re acting like when I slip inside you, the s.w.a.t. Team is gonna burst through the door and arrest my ass. I couldn’t handle that. Guess what? That would be random.

[Laughter, cheers and applause]

Yeah, man. Pow-pow, pow-pow-pow, pow-pow-pow-pow. Yeah. Hell, yeah, man. Girls do just talk and say stuff. Sometimes they don’t think about it. I mean, maybe it’s the girls I’m hanging out with. Whatever. You know. It’s probably half my fault. Don’t laugh at that. But, you know… I mean, I was on a date recently with this girl, and this is what she said in the middle of the date. She looks at me, and she goes like this. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” [Laughter] yeah. But because you want to fuck her, you’ll be like, “oh, yeah, I know, right? Why are they everywhere? What?!” You’ll add to it. “Some are little, and then they grow up, right? “What is that? They’re like kids, but they’re trees. What?!” If your friend heard you say that, they would punch you in the face immediately. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” When she first said that, I was mad at her immediately. I was like, “man, now I’ve got to talk about trees for the next few minutes, like I care.” And then I realized quickly that it’s not even her fault that she’s talking about trees, man. It’s all the dudes before me that she dated’s fault for agreeing with whatever the hell she’s talking about so she doesn’t have to develop a personality.

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, fellas, that’s your job to nip that in the bud, okay? If you’re on a date and a girl says something crazy like, “oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees,” you look her right in the eyes and you say, “nah. Fuck trees.”

[Laughter, cheers and applause]

Yeah, man. That will definitely start an argument, though. Don’t do that. “What do you mean?” My ex used to argue all the time, man, with me. And we would argue so much that she would always blame it on her period, which was terrible, man. You can’t do that two times in one month. Like, I know… I know how many times it happens during one month, and that’s one time. Yo, I didn’t know this, though. By the way, I’m an idiot. Let me just say that. And, girls, vouch for this. For real — be honest. When you guys hang out together and become friends, you guys all get your periods at the same time, right? Right? Yo, what kind of weird mutant “x-men” shit is that? [Laughter] no. Look at you clapping. “Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, we do. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.” “Are you on it?” “Me too!” “I’m on it, too!” “You are, too?” “We’re all on it!” Dude, girls, that’s so weird, man. That would be the worst superpower ever. How would you fight crime with that? Could you imagine? Just… “Stop, evildoer.” [Laughter] “aah! “Did you just do what I think you did?! I’m out of here!” He starts to run away. “Not so fast!” [Laughter] that joke hurts my head and my knees. [Laughs] yo, my buddy told me he’s dating a dude recently. I didn’t know he was gay at all. It was weird, man. But I knew this guy for like seven years, but he told me in a weird way. He was like, “hey, man, I’m dating this dude, “and what happened was, we were hanging out the other day. It was hilarious.” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” [Laughter] “back up. You’re gay?” And this is what he says. He says, “eh, that’s not the point of the story.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, that’s definitely the point of the story for me. You’re gay?” And he says, “nah.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, how do you figure you’re not gay “if you’re dating a dude? “That’s the gayest thing I can come up with “in the next five minutes for sure. Explain yourself.” This is what he hit me with. He said, “yeah, I don’t really look at it like that, you know? “I didn’t fall in love with a dude. I fell in love with a person.” I’m like, “yo, that’s gayer than what you just said!” [Laughter] [applause] “are you doing poetry? That’s really gay. “Just, ‘i didn’t fall in love with a man. I fell in love with his soul.’ [Laughs merrily]” [Laughter] my other friend won’t even talk to him anymore. He’s all mad. He’s like, “man, he lied to us. “That’s the crew. You never do that to the crew. “You never lie or keep secrets from the crew. He’s untrustworthy. Man, death before dishonor.” He said that part, which [laughs] yo, you can’t — he works at a crate & barrel. You can’t say… [Laughter] you cannot say, “death before dishonor” [laughs] if you work at crate & barrel. That’s reserved only for generals and Tupac. That’s it, you know? [Laughter] but he was hating on him, man. He was like, “what, he’s gay? I’ll never” — here’s the deal. I don’t know why — I don’t know why everybody doesn’t know this, okay? If you hate gay people for no reason, straight-up, you’re gay, all right?

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

Nobody hates somebody else for doing something that doesn’t affect or involve them at all unless it stirs up some weird feelings inside of them that they haven’t figured out themselves yet. That’s the truth, okay?

[Cheers and applause]

My buddy got mad. He was like, “what?! “He’s gay?! No way! “I’ll never hang out with him again! “That’s ridiculous! Does he want to fuck me? I’ll never hang out with him again!” “That’s a choice he made! He’s not born that way! “He needs to be on his own island “until he un-chooses to be gay, “then maybe he can come back here! “Maybe I’ll hang out with him again! “That’s how much I hate gay people! Man, I hate gay people!” I’m like, “first of all, relax. We’re at starbucks. Just chill out…” [Laughter] “…and dial it down ’cause there’s a lot of gay people in here always.” [Laughter] if that’s how you feel, you’re gay, all right? It’s fine. Just come to terms with it.” Let me put it into perspective, okay? Imagine hanging out with your friend and all of a sudden, he jumps up. He’s like, “you know what? Fuck butterfingers!” [Laughs] [Laughter] “I would never eat a butterfinger ever! “I hate going to 7-eleven “and seeing butterfingers grouped in “with the other candies like they belong! “Matter of fact, they need their own convenience store “called the butterfinger store, “and I would never be caught dead inside that store! “Even if I needed to go near that store, “I would an alternate route and go the opposite side of town “to a different store! “That’s how much I hate butterfingers! Man, I hate butterfingers!” You’d be like, “yo, what happened between you and a butterfinger?” [Laughter]

[Cheers and applause] “what — whatever. One time in college.” [Laughs] “I had one butterfinger. Who cares? I put it in my butt. Whatever.” [Laughter] “there’s no wrong way to eat it.” [Laughs] “it was random.” [Laughter] have sex with whoever you want to. It’s hard enough to find somebody that wants to have sex with you, man. You want to have sex with a girl, have sex with a girl. You want to fuck a dude, you know what? Fuck that dude!

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

Yeah, for real — hard! Who cares? You know what I mean? Have sex with whoever you want to, uh, if they want to. Don’t — okay, here’s… [Laughter] [applause] this is very important, this next part. Listen [chuckles] listen to this part, okay? If you don’t listen to anything, listen to this part, all right? If you want to have sex with somebody, and you’re like, “hey, I want to have sex with you,” and the other person’s like, “yeah!” Do it for sure. But [laughing] if you want to fuck someone and you’re like, “hey, I want to fuck you,” and the other person’s like, “no!” Don’t do it. [Laughter and applause] yeah, you’ll go to jail for a long time, man. That’s rape. Don’t do that ever, man. Yo, I love doing this, man — stand-up, not talking about rape. [Laughter] but, you know, I mean, that’s what I’m saying. Like, don’t judge someone else for who they are attracted. They can’t even help it, you know? It’s hard enough to find somebody, like — I mean, it’s hard to get laid. I mean, not for me. But you know what I mean? Like, you got to… [Laughter] [laughs] [Laughter] it is, though, man. It’s hard, man, ’cause girls are just always like — guys are always just like, “hey, uh, come on, you know?” And girls are just like, “no-o-o.” [Laughter] and guys are like, “well, come on, now. Maybe — maybe, though?” [Laughs] and girls are like, “mnh-mnh-mnh!” “Oh, man, what about now?” “No, I don’t do that. I don’t just do that. “I don’t just, like, sleep around. “I don’t just do that. I don’t fuck around,” and we’re like, “cool, I don’t want to fuck around. I want to fuck you right here.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I can’t just do it. “I can’t let my emotions — “I can’t separate the two, you know? “It’s like — it’s like all in one encompassing thing. “Like, you can’t — like, I don’t just have sex. “Like, I want to just, like — I can’t. “Trust me, I wish I could do it. I wish. “I wish I could do it, but I can’t do it. Like, for instance, my friend –” “what’s her number?”

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

[chuckles] “I don’t just give my body to whoever wants my body.” [Laughs] “I wait. I wait to pick someone, and then I make love.” [Laughter] “I like to make love. “I don’t just sleep around. I make love. That’s what I call it — making love.” All right, cool, whatever. Call it whatever you want. I don’t care, call it Nintendo. It doesn’t matter. As long as I’m inside you, it feels like fucking. That’s all, you know?

Woman: Whoo!

D’Elia: Sluts.

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

[Laughs]

We must be wrong at this making-love nonsense, because we’re the only species that does it. There’s no other species on the planet that does it. We have to take each other out and impress each other and court each other and, like, take each other to applebee’s or whatever. Like, you can’t — like, there’s no bears ever at applebee’s, ever. You know what I mean? Like, even if they’re at applebee’s, people get called to get these bears out of applebee’s. That’s awesome! Bears aren’t even allowed to make love, is my point. You know, they just walk up to each other. They’re like, “bah, I’m a bear. You’re a bear, too. [Roars]” and then they do it. That’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no courting, no nothing, man! Imagine — hey, yo. You know how weird it would be if you saw two bears legitimately making love? I mean, hey, yo, okay. Imagine you’re walking through the forest, and imagine you — shut the fuck up. Imagine you’re walking through the forest.

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, sweetheart, here’s the thing, man. This is the best. I love when a girl does this and acts up and starts screaming out, okay, because here’s what you think, okay? What you think is, you’re making the show better, right? Because what you do is go, “ah, ha ha,” and say some dumb thing. And then I come in and say something, and then everyone laughs. So you go home, and she’s like, “oh, my god. I made the show so much better.” Yo! Hey, yo. No, you didn’t. You fucked it up. I fixed it ’cause I’m hilarious.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah, man. That’s cool. That’ll be on the deleted scenes. You don’t like to make love. You like to straight fuck, huh? But that’s the thing, man. Bears — they don’t make love. You know how crazy it would be? Hey, we got to be doing it wrong if we’re the only species that does it. You know how crazy it would be if you were walking through the forest and you saw [laughs] hey, and you saw two bears — all right, hey, what if you were walking through the [laughs] yeah, what if you were walking through the forest and you saw two bears, like, legitimately making love? Like, it [laughs] [Laughter] like, yeah, it wasn’t even doggie style. That’s how you knew it was love. [Laughs] like, it was like face-to-face. Like — like, they had, like, eye contact. Like, they were doing it [laughs] like, kissing, like, tongue kissing, like [splutters] like, with their jaws and [laughs] on a blanket — on a blanket. [Laughter] on a blanket, and there was, like, an iPod on, and you saw the — you saw the male bear pick the song. He was like, “[roars] Michael Bublé, bah!” Or whatever.

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

Yo, that would mess you up for a whole week, at least, man! You definitely wouldn’t listen to Michael Bublé anymore! [Laughter] we’re the only species that listens to Michael Bublé when we have sex! That’s got to be wrong, man! All right? And every time I talk about this — every time I talk about this onstage, there’s always some jerk that comes up to me after my show that’s like, “hey, uh, yo, “we’re not the only species that makes love. Uh, ever hear of dolphins?” Yeah, yeah, bro. Shut the fuck up, man. [Laughter] yeah, you need arms to make love, for real. You need to hold each other and caress each other and kiss and light candles. You can’t “[chirping]” yo. [Laughs] hey, there’s nothing lovely about [chirping] if I was having sex with you, and all of a sudden I just went [chirping] you’d be like, “yo, get out of here!” And I would get out. I would be like, “it’s ’cause of that “ah-ah-ah” thing, right?” [Laughter] we’re the only species that makes love. It must be wrong. You know what peacocks do to get laid? They do one thing. They don’t have nice cars. They don’t comb their hair or have good jobs to get laid. They do one thing, and one thing only, and it’s this. [Blows] and they just prance around like, “you know, you probably want to have sex with me, right?” [Laughter] and the girl’s like, “oh, my god, yes, I want to have sex with you right now.” Or she’s like, “I don’t like the way you do it. I like the way your friend does it. Bye!” But that’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no nothing, man! [Laughter] how come we can’t be like that? You know how cool it would be if we have mating calls or something? [Laughs] [Laughter] we’d be at a bar with our friends. We’d be hanging out, and we see a girl. All of a sudden, it’d be on right then. We’d be like, “yeah, man, “you got me last year with that fantasy draft, “but this year, I’m coming for you, man. “Make no mistakes. I’m getting Lebron, and I — “oh, damn, you see that girl right there? “I got this. Hold on one second.” “[Squawks]” [Laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] “[squawking]” if she liked you, she’d just “[bleating]” “[squawks]” “[bleats]” that’d be the most annoying bar ever. Hey, but at least you wouldn’t have to go to applebee’s. [Laughs]

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

Yeah, man. Yo, but we’re still human, right? We couldn’t handle that mating-call thing, ’cause we would try to get a girl, and then our buddy would want her more, and he would mess our game up, man. He’d be the peacock blocker. [Laughter] dudes try to get laid so much, man. It’s so funny. And they all think they got it, you know? All these dudes are like, “yeah. She likes me.” No, she doesn’t, man. You suck. We all suck, man. For real. My favorite thing is when dudes think they got it. Like, they use their only thing that they know how to do to get laid, right? Like, my favorite dudes that do this are like this. Like, those extreme, big-muscle bodybuilder-type dudes that think that girls like that because that’s — yo, girls don’t care about the biggest dude ever anymore. Nobody cares about the — it’s not the 1200s. It’s now. Girls don’t care about that. And all these dudes are just working out. “Rah! All these girls love me! “All these girls want me! “They all want me! Rah! “I’m the biggest dude ever, and all these girls are looking at me.” Yeah, they are all looking at you, but they’re doing it like this. “Ew!”

[Cheers and applause]

I never heard a girl ever say this. “Oh, my god, I want my boyfriend to be extra veiny.” I’ve never heard that. I’ve never heard a girl say, “I want my man — “okay, first of all, it’s okay if he’s white, “but I want him to be so tan “that he’s darker than a black guy. That’s what I want.” The only reason to build your body up is if you’re competing, and even that is terrible. You look like an idiot. [Laughs] yo, those poses are the worst poses ever. There’s no way you’re getting laid after these girls see you posing like that. There’s no way any girl wants to have sex with a dude after they see him do this. [Laughter] yo, man. Hey, my favorite is when they pose the legs, though, ’cause for a split second, you don’t have a clue what they’re posing, right? ‘Cause it’s obvious when they do this, that’s the bicep. That’s the tricep, right? These are lats. Whatever. I love when they pose the legs, because when they come out, they go like this. Like, “yo, is a magic show about to start? What’s happening, man?” Are they trying to change the weather? Like [laughs] [grunts] and…it’s sunny. You’re welcome. Yeah, man. We’re all trying to find that person, though. But it’s hard to hit on girls nowadays. It’s real hard, ’cause they know what’s coming immediately, right? Girls know — when we come up to you, you know what we want immediately. You just know, right? It’s not like the ’40s anymore. Yo, in the ’40s, a dude could hit on a girl, and she didn’t even know what was happening till that couple had a baby. For real. Dudes were afraid to say what we say nowadays. They would just walk up to a girl and be all cryptic and do it in code and say something crafty like, “hey, you know, you look mighty fine in the sunlight.” [Laughter] that would catch a girl off-guard. She would just, “[gasping] oh, my. A gentleman suitor.” [Laughter] and then the dude would even be more cryptic and say something like, “well, maybe one day, I could be around the same area as your father.” [Laughter] and then the girl wouldn’t know what to say. She would respond with something even more cryptic, like, “maybe one day you could take me for a ride.” What are you talking about, man?! And then that girl would get all gigly ’cause she met a boy, right? In the ’40s, when girls met boys, they would just, “[giggling] oh, my god!” They’d run to their friends, right? And their friends would already be giggling in the room. “[Giggling] “oh, my god, carol, what happened? Why is your face so happy?” “No, no, I don’t want to talk about it. No.” “Yes, carol, but you must.” “No! [Giggling]” “carol met a boy today.” “No. No, I didn’t. Don’t spill the beans. No!” “She met a boy. I saw it.” “No!” And then she would explain what happened, but she would be even more cryptic, ’cause she didn’t know what was going on. She would just say something like, “well, I just like how he’s not full of banana oil like the rest of the boys.” “Yeah, carol likes how he has moxie.” What the hell is moxie, and what are you talking about? Just have a baby. But, see, what happened was, that sunlight dude and carol got together, had a baby, and then those babies grew up, and we’re all sitting here right now. That’s who we are. But now, the girls are hip to the game, man. We walk up to a girl, they know exactly what we want. We’ll be like, “hey. Hey. What’s up? Um, you know, you maybe want to, um, like, hang out sometime?” “Um, no. You’re a creepy asshole.”

[Cheers and applause]

“Oh, yeah. You’re right. You’re right. “No, she’s right. I wish I had moxie.”

Yeah, man. It doesn’t matter anymore how cool you look, what you drive. Nobody cares. There are other cars out there with dudes in them. Girls don’t care. [Laughs] Doesn’t matter. You need to come in at an angle, man. Like, you need to be cool. Like, that’s why I see British dudes with the hottest girls ever, especially in L.A. British dudes will walk around with the hottest girls ever ’cause they look regular, but then when they talk, they’re like, [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing?” [Normal voice] right? Girls can’t mess with that, just… [British accent] “Hello. How are you?” [Normal voice] “Aah! Are you for real?!” [British accent] “Yes, I am quite for real. “Hello. You look beautiful in this outfit you put together. I would like to take you to the library.” [Normal voice] or whatever they say. I don’t know. [British accent] “no, I haven’t read all the books.” [Laughter] woman: all right, baby!

[Cheers and applause]

D’Elia: [Normal voice] Hey, how come, when British people walk around, they always have their heads wobbling? [British accent] why do they always have their heads wobbling like that? They do it, though. [Laughs] you know why they do that? ‘Cause they’ll go to the library, read the books, gain the information, and then just kind of jostle it around in their head like that. [Laughter] [applause] [laughs] they’ll go to the library, check out a bunch of books, read them, and then just bounce it around in their noggin. [Laughter] literally, that’s what they’ll do. “Literally — I will literally do that.” [Normal voice] British people always say “literally.” They say “literally” way too much, man. They say “literally –” it’s like they’re trying to prove how british they are. “[British accent] I’m literally British. Literally — I’m literally British.” [Normal voice] they’ll say it when they don’t even need to. He’ll be like, “I literally ate a hot dog.” Like, what do you mean? You had lunch? [British accent] “no. I literally stuffed it in me mouth “to where I literally chewed it up with me incisors “till it literally traveled down me esophagus “at a snail’s pace “to where it literally stayed in me stomach region “for literally, like, four hours until I literally expelled it out me back end.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] yo, one time I was talking about British dudes on stage like this. And afterward, one was in my show, he got so mad. Yo, British dudes get mad. He came up to me, he was like, [British accent] “hey, can I talk to you for a second?” [Normal voice] I was like, “what’s up?” He’s like [British accent] “first of all, we don’t all talk like that.” [Normal voice] I’m like, “that’s cool, “but then you’ve got to change your voice immediately, ’cause that’s exactly how I just sounded, you know what I mean?” [British accent] oh, right. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah. “Ehh. Ehhhhhh. “Good one. Good one. Yeah, yeah. You’re never off, huh? You’re never off? “Even when you’re off-stage, “you’re still zinging them, aren’t you? Yeah. “You got moxie, don’t you? Huh? “I listened. Yeah. Yeah. I listened to it all, you know. Yeah.” He threatened me. When British dudes threaten you, you don’t know what’s going on — at all. They say — they speak English, but they just say things. You don’t know if it’s good or bad or what. They’ll just be like, [British accent] “if you keep talking to me like that, “you keep yapping off at the nanners, we’ll see what happens.” “You keep chopping them clam bits, I’ll get the stoozy boys to rode up on you.” “I’ll leave you off on main street “with your pants around your ankles and a lollipop in your mouth.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, is that a party? I don’t even know what you mean.” [Laughter] [British accent] “yeah, it’s a party. “Bugger off, chap. We’ll see what happens. “I’ll come over bright and early and literally do grout work in your bathroom!” [Normal voice] you’re like, “for free? I don’t even know.” [Laughter] yeah, man. British dudes, man, they’re the best with girls, at least from what I see, man. British — no, you know what? They’re not the best at hitting on girls. You know who the best at hitting on girls are? Black dudes, for real, hands down, yeah, right. White chick with a black dude right there, that’s how he… Right? You know, ’cause black dudes, that’s why — yo, a British dude will be hitting on a girl, and then a black dude rolls up. British dude knows game over, for real. Yeah, a British dude will be like… [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing? “You look beautiful. Oh, a black guy. All right, see you later.” [Laughter]

[applause]

[Normal voice] Yeah, man, but black dudes have that confidence, though, that swag. They’ll just say anything to a girl, right? A black dude will just roll up to a girl, just be like, “yeah! All right, okay, oh, hell no!” Yeah, all right! Hell no! Yeah!” They just start answering questions that nobody asked. “Yeah, all right. Hell no. I don’t know. Maybe. I’m on the fence. Yeah! ‘Lord of the rings’! “What? I thought you — I thought you asked me my favorite trilogy.” [Laughs] black dudes got that confidence, man. Some black dudes will say rude things to girls and still get laid. That’s how much confidence they have, right? You ever heard a black dude just like, “yo, ma, how you fit all that in them jeans?” How is that not the rudest thing ever? To say to somebody you never met before?! “Yo, ma, you’re too big to be wearing them pants. “Yeah! Yeah, what’d you do, zip them up with pliers? “That’s what’s up? “Yeah, y’all got high cholesterol and whatnot, “don’t you, ma, yeah! “What’d you do — jump off a building and dive into those pants? Yeah!” And the girl’s just like, “oh, my god, I want to suck your dick right now.”

[Laughter and applause]

“‘Lord of the Rings’!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl how she fit all that in those jeans — no way! A white dude? Me?! Hey, first of all, I would mess that up immediately. I would just be like, “excuse me. Um, ma’am, you know, uh…” “Uh, you’re a fat bitch. Oh shit.” [Laughter and applause] [breathing heavily] [blows]

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

“‘Lord of the rings,’ ‘lord of the rings.'” Yeah, man, some black dudes — yo, you ever heard a black dude go like this to a girl? [Laughs] I heard this once. A black dude goes like this. “Yo, ma, you’re looking stupid.” [Laughter] that’s only rude! That’s only rude! Then they’d be like, “yo, ma, you’re dumb. “Yeah! Like, yo, your face look pretty. “In this area, you look great, “but behind that, in your brain area, “ain’t nothing going on at all! “Like, straight up, you look bad at math. “You know what I mean? Like, yo, academically, you’re atrocious, man!” “Oh, my god, I want you to meet my family right now. This is the one.” [Laughter] okay, here’s how I came up with that bit. This is great, man. I was hanging out. I was sitting down. I was right here, okay? And I saw a black dude sitting down right here. I was right there. He was right here. This girl he was talking to was standing up, okay? This dude was like, “yeah, I’ll just stay seated and still lace this up. “You know what I mean? I’m gonna keep comfy. You know what I mean? Like, I’m gonna keep it down.” Like, yo, he was so, “yo, I’m comf–” he was so comfortable, like [laughs] he was so comfortable, he was uncomfortable. You know what I mean? Like, this is… Like, in my head, his own finger was in his eyeball just like, “yeah, it hurt. I feel discomfort, but whatever.” [Laughter] [laughs] in the middle of her talking, this dude goes like this. “Shh!” Yo, this girl had no idea how to react. This girl was like a 9 or something, and her whole body rebooted. He goes, “shh!” She goes, “uhh!” And I’m right here, and I’m like, “oh, damn.” [Laughter] he stays in the pocket, though. It’s all awkward, and he’s staying in the pocket, and this is what he says to her. “Yo, ma, straight up, you smell like peaches.” [Laughter] yo, that wasn’t the best part at all. The best part was, after that, he stayed in the pocket for another beat and said, “for real.” [Laughter] yo, obviously, for real, you know? Nobody would say some wacky thing like that unless it’s 100% the truth. Otherwise, you’re just a raving lunatic! Could you imagine just, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches.” “Really?” “No, I just say crazy things.” [Laughter] “I was watching ‘James and the giant peach’ today. It’s still on my mind. Bye!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl she smells like peaches — no way. Me? A white dude? No way. I would be immediately put into serial-killer category. [Laughter] imagine me walking up to you just, “excuse me, ma. You smell like peaches.” “Where are you going? Come back here. “Come here, come back here. You smell like peaches. “You’re a fat bitch, you’re a fat bitch. Come here. “You smell like you’re bad at math. Come here. “You smell like peaches. [Grunting] [grunting continues]” [Laughter] yo, if you’re a black dude, you tell a girl she smells like peaches, you’re flirting with her. If you’re a white dude and you say it, you’re stabbing her. [Laughs] that’s the difference. There’s a big difference between, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches” and, “hey, mom!” [Laughter] [laughs] “you smell like peaches! “[Grunts] “you’ve always smelled like peaches! That’s the problem!” [Laughs] “I’ll put you in my cereal!” Hey, every time I talk about that, man, I like telling that joke about black dudes hitting on girls and then white dudes and “rrr” because every time I do that, it always makes white people a little uncomfortable in the audience. Like, they’re always like, “[laughs uncomfortably] is it okay? Are they here, or…” Yeah, they’re here, and it’s okay, man, you know. It’s racist to not laugh because then it means you’re hiding something, you know what I mean? “[Laughs awkwardly] “oh, yeah, that, too. Yeah, yeah, right, chris. Yeah. “I’m not hiding anything. [Laughs awkwardly]” black dudes — I do that joke for black audiences, black audiences — man, black dudes are the best laughers, hands down, for real, right.

[Applause]

That’s so — that’s a white dude clapping at that. I don’t know why. That’s super weird. That’s so weird. That’s so weird that a white guy’s just like, “yeah! I love it when black dudes laugh!” Like, let me explain it and then clap. [Laughter] “way ahead of you, man!” I think that’s just a serial killer, is what that is. [Laughter] “peaches, man. Ohh!” [Laughter] for real, black dudes laugh the best. You know who the worst laughers are? Asian girls. Yeah! You guys don’t give it up at all, for real. You act like you don’t even want to laugh. You act like you’re not allowed to laugh. Asian girls just… “[Chuckling nervously]” [Laughter] “[chuckling nervously]”

[Cheers and applause]

Why are you doing a peace sign? You’re already laughing. It’s redundant. Don’t distract me from your merriment. [Laughter] black dudes laugh the best, though. You know why? When you tell a joke, a black dude laughs hard, you feel real good about yourself, because when black dudes laugh, they don’t just laugh. They relocate. [Laughter] you know what I’m talking about? You ever see a black dude laugh real hard just like “[laughing loudly]”

[laughter and applause] That’s too funny to laugh at, in that area. This is the new designated laughing zone, y’all. “[Laughs loudly]” one time, I made a black dude laugh so hard, he drove to Las Vegas. [Laughter] yo, could you imagine just “[laughs loudly]” [imitates beep] “[laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]”

[Cheers and applause] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]”

Yo. Hey [laughs] the cops tried to pull him over. He’s like, “forget it. It’s too funny. [Laughs loudly]” dude, even if the cop did try to pull you over, all you got to do to get out of the ticket is, if it’s a black cop, tell him the joke. [Laughter] he’ll be like — he’ll be like, “yo, that’s too funny. Bye!” [Imitates beep] “[laughs loudly]” [Laughter] yo, my buddy thinks he’s a gangster. It’s so funny ’cause he’s not gangster at all. Like, at all. Like, he’s a wannabe gangster. Like, you never — he’s always gangster. Here’s a new rule, okay? Here’s a new rule, all right? You only need to be gangster when gangster things go down. You don’t need to be gangster 100% of the time, all right? Like, I see this dude sometimes at like 8:30 in the morning. Nobody needs to wake up gangster in the morning. Like, nobody ever needs to be like, “bing! Yo, fuck this shit.” [Laughter] [applause] “hey, you never know what’s gonna happen.” Yeah, I do. You’re just gonna eat breakfast. That’s what gonna happen. “Yeah, but you never know what’s gonna happen during breakfast. “You know what I mean? I might be eating them eggs. “What if them eggs is acting up? “I might have to — pap-pap! — Put a spark to them eggs. “Yeah, if them eggs is trifling, I’m like, ‘yeah, but then…’ [Imitates machine-gun fire]” [Laughter] he’s such a wannabe gangster, man. He always starts conversations out like this. “Hey, dawg, you know what I mean?” Not yet. You didn’t say anything. What are you — the Quentin Tarantino of gangsters? Just starting the story at the end? [Laughs]

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

I was talking about British dudes threatening you. Yo, that’s confusing, but nobody is more confusing when they threaten you than a gangster. I saw my buddy walk his dog on my gangster friend’s lawn, and this is how he threatened him. He goes like this. “Hey, dog, I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” My buddy was like, “uh… Do you want the dog on your lawn or not?” “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” There’s too many double negatives in that sentence. “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no d– “I know you not ain’t gonna act like you ain’t not gonna not — “I know you not ain’t gonna not never gonna not act “like you ain’t not wanting no d– I’ll be right back. I’ve got to figure this out.”

[Cheers and applause]

My buddy’s such a wannabe gangster, man. It’s so funny. He always says that he watches all the gangster movies and everything, picks up the lingo. Here’s how you know you’re talking with somebody who wants to be a gangster. This is the most gangster thing you can say. He always says this. This is the most gangster phrase you could say. He’ll go like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day…” That’s it. That’s the most gangster thing. There’s nothing more gangster than that, except for, even after that, even more gangster than that is to follow it up with something super vague that you can’t really argue with. Like here, he’ll something like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day, it’s all love.” [Laughter] I mean, like, yeah, I guess so, you know? You can’t really argue with that. That’s like saying anything. That’s like being like, “hey, dawg, “at the end of the day, you know what I mean? At the end of the day, sometimes people go skiing.” [Laughter] “yeah, it’s true, yeah. [Laughs] “I got another one. At the end of the day [laughs] at the end of the day, most people got two arms.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that, either. “I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. Hey, at the end of the day, you could buy a watch.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that either. [Laughs] “I got another one. I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, there’s double-breasted suits and single-breasted suits.” [Laughter] “yeah, that’s true. I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. At the end of the day, Scooby-Doo is a cartoon.” Yes, that’s right, yes. That, as well, that, as well. “I got another one.” [Laughs] I’ll just keep going. “I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, boys have a pee-pee, girls have a woo-woo.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I got another one. “At the end of the day, whatever’s random to one person may not necessarily be random.”

[Cheers and applause]

[laughs] Oh, man. Okay. Yo, you guys… You guys go to church? That’s creepy. [Laughter] no? We’re all going to hell? All right, forget it. [Laughter] you know, because here’s the thing, man. People act like church isn’t creepy. But it’s definitely creepy. You know? Like, I grew up catholic, you know?

[Cheers and applause]

Yo, this joke isn’t gonna go very well for you guys. [Laughter] [laughs] this isn’t the funny, positive catholic bit. [Laughs] how come priests are so great and never do anything scandalous? Like, believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy. It’s definitely creepy. Like, I grew up in the catholic church, you know, and, like, whatever. You just kind of believe whatever your parents tell you, you know? You don’t even think about it. You’re just like, “no way. “He died for all of us so we could all live? Awesome!” [Laughter] [applause] “he hung himself on the cross for that many days “and that’s why now we went through generations “and generations and build buildings “and have a society and can harvest fruits and vegetables “and that’s why now I can play Xbox? Awesome!” [Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

That’s all you care about as a little kid. [Laughter] but I grew up and walked into church recently with my adult, made-up brain. [Laughter] and I was like, “man, how did I not realize, when I was a kid, that this was so creepy?” Believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy, man. There’s tall walls with stained-glass windows up at the top. There’s people on the stained-glass windows with thorns around their head. They’re bleeding from the thorns, crying out of their eyeballs. Their clothing’s all ripped, and how come everybody’s facial expression on the stained-glass window is always this? [Laughter] right? It’s like something creepy just happened, but we definitely can’t talk about it here at church.

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

But nobody’s creepier than the priest. Not for obvious reasons, but here’s why. [Laughter] don’t “aw” like I did it. [Laughter] it’s creepy. Here’s even creepier than that, because they’ll sing for no reason at all. Right? Every few minutes, they’ll hit the same five notes, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [laughter and applause] yo, why are you doing that for no reason? [Vocalizing spiritually] everything is in song — every sentence, every story, everything, just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men ♪ ♪ three wise men traveled to Nazareth ♪ [singing indistinctly] [vocalizing spiritually]

[Cheers and applause]

[Normal voice] Yeah, I feel like he hits those five notes whenever he forgets how the rest of the story goes. [Laughs] you know what I mean? Just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men [sputters] ♪ ♪ and they traveled through — and they kind of just, uh ♪ ♪ went to best buy ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] [laughs] [Normal voice] we’re like, “yo, hey, did you just say they went to best buy?! Huh?” ♪ No, I definitely didn’t say they went to best buy ♪ ♪ best buy was only established 50 years ago ♪ ♪ then, it was franchised ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] but this is the creepiest part, and if you’re catholic, you know what I’m talking about, okay? When for no reason, the priest will take the church down real soft and somber, and every few minutes, he’ll just go like this. ♪ Forever and ever ♪ [Laughter] yo, you don’t think that’s creepy, you’re a vampire, okay? If I popped my head in your window tonight while you were sleeping [laughs] and I just went… ♪ Forever and ever ♪ everyone in here would shit your pants — everyone! Even if you didn’t sleep with pants on, you’d wake up, locate pants, put them on, shit them, and then go back to sleep!

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, furthermore, it’s redundant. What kind of storybook Narnia jerk says, “forever and ever”? Just say “forever.” It means the same thing. [Laughter] that’s like saying, “hey, let’s go get lunch…and food.” [Laughter] you’re wasting time. I’m hungry, man! [Laughter] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ [laughs] [Laughter]

[applause]

♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, they make you eat a guy’s body. You don’t even think about it! You’re just lining up. ♪ I got to eat a guy’s body, I got to eat a guy’s body ♪ ♪ I got — ♪ what the hell? “Yeah, don’t cut. I got to, like — ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, guess what?! Hey, it’s not even a dude’s body, okay?! It’s nothing! The only thing creepier than eating a dude’s body is pretending to eat a dude’s body!

[Laughter] [Cheers and applause]

[Laughs] They really try to sell it, too. ♪ This is a guy’s body, trust me ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body, eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ ♪ if this isn’t creepy enough, there’s a guy down there ♪ ♪ you can drink his blood ♪ yo! [Chuckles] that’s why everybody on the stained-glass window’s looking like this. They’re like, “oh, my god. I can’t believe they’re eating people.” [Laughter] it’s creepy. Believe what you want, but don’t act like it’s not creepy. And don’t go, too.

[Applause]

I mean, go, whatever, but don’t act like you like it! And don’t invite me. That’s the worst, man. “Hey, man, you know what? You should come sometime.” No, I shouldn’t! “Yeah, yeah, it’s fun.” No, it’s not! And you know it’s not! That’s the worst part, is when they act like it’s fun. It’s not fun, and I can prove it to you right now. Here’s the deal. You never wanted to go to church. Anybody in here never wanted to go to church, and I can prove it to you right now, all right? Okay? ‘Cause never during church, ever, has anybody in the history of church ever said this. “Oh, hey, watch this part.” [Laughter] [applause] how many times do you say it when you watch “godfather”? Worship that! [Laughter] that’s why you always fall asleep during church, man. ‘Cause you don’t want to be there. That’s why. You fall asleep. You try so hard not to, just in case there’s hell. You know what I mean? [Laughs] you try so hard. You use that “non-falling asleep” face that you use for everything, just… [Laughter] aw, come on, I got this. Come on. [Grunts] come on. [Grunts] goddamn it. [Grunts] oh, no, not god damn it. [Laughter] just regular “wow” or whatever. [Chuckles nervously] just in case. [Laughter] the same thing always wakes you up, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] “huh, what are we doing? We’re kneeling for no reason? “For no reason at all, we’ll kneel? Cool. “Stand up already? Great. Okay, good, good, good. “That’s great. Great, good, good, good, fantastic. “Good, good. Great, you too. Okay, great. “Awesome, awesome, good, good. How many people are there?! “Good, you. How’d you get up there? Sir, how’d you get up there?” [Laughter] every time I fall asleep, the same dude wakes me up always. It’s the dude with the collection plate. [Laughter] right, that basket with the pole attached to it. Yo, you never need to attach a pole to a basket, ever. Just pass the basket around. That guy’s job is unnecessary, man. I’ll be asleep, and he’ll just… [Laughter] “here. Oh, that was $100. Give it back. That was $100.” [Laughter] [laughter continues] I hate how long that pole is. It bothers me, man. You — dude, you can’t even see the dude holding it. That’s how long. You need binoculars. The dude’s out in the parking lot with the handle, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] that pole is so long, it’s longer than the pepper crusher at olive garden, you know? And that’s long. You know when the busboy comes along, he’s like, “excuse me, sir. You want fresh ground pepper? Yeah? Say when.” [Laughter] [applause] yeah, it doesn’t even look like they’re crushing pepper. It looks like they’re jerking two dudes off. [Laughs] and one’s extra small. [Laughs] “here we go.” We got a midget and a basketball player right there. There we go — a midget and Yao Ming all over my face. [Vocalizing spiritually]

New Orleans, thank you so much!

[Cheers and applause]

Man: ♪ feel my flow ♪

D’Elia: Thank you!

Man: ♪ but you do, it’s chad smith, who are you? ♪
♪ Come through the door and the party for sho ♪
♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪
♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪
♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪
♪ after that, does it hurt? ♪
♪ And make it jerk ♪
♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪