[electronic music playing]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… Bert Kreischer!
Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She walked in progressive left… walked out with a MAGA hat on, just– [groans] In all fairness, I do shit fairly aggressively. I shit on the underside of the seat. You ever gotten that blowback where you… Your wife lifts up the seat, and it’s got freckles underneath it?
I’m a tough guy to live with. I piss her off. She got mad at me the other day. By the way, this will split the room. Some people will be like, “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” and some will be like, “What the fuck?” I put my dick on her shoulder. Now… [crowd laughing] Ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m all about progress. But I don’t want to live in a world where a man in his own house can’t sneak up behind his wife… while she’s reading a magazine, take his dick out, put it on her shoulder, and go, “Whoo! Polly want a cracker!”
Now… Dude, she called me out at a dinner party. She told strangers about it. By the way, I was in the hole at this dinner party, right out the gates. This lady I didn’t know was telling us the difference between a broom and a mop. [man replies indistinctly] Yeah, I wish you had been there. In the middle, I just started giggling, “I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now.” She goes, “I bet Bert doesn’t know the difference between a broom and a mop.” My wife held onto her seat, like, “You’re not gonna like his answer.” I leaned into the table. I go, “No, I know the difference between a broom and a mop. It’s really hard to beat your wife with a mop.” You know when other men look at you, like, “I would love to be on your team right now. That’s not gonna happen.” [laughs] My wife then just chimes in, “He put his dick on my shoulder… and pretended it was a parrot!” I was like, “That’s not what happened. It was a cockatiel.”
I live in LA. People take getting offended in LA to an art form. Dude, in LA, they get offended on behalf of people. [man boos] Bro, I go to the Starbucks by my house the other day, right? I walk in, there’s this young black kid working behind the counter, and he recognizes me. Now, first off, I love getting recognized. But I love getting recognized by black people. It’s so much better, the way they do it. It’s more excited. Like, “Oh, shit!” This kid’s working behind the counter, I walk in and he goes, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Oh, this is gonna be a good one.” [laughing] I walk through the line, and by the time I get up to the counter, he’s already bubbling. He’s like, “Dawg, dawg, dawg, you have no idea!” I was like, “I have a little idea right now.” He’s like, “No, my man, my dude. Oh, man! I am the biggest fan of Joe Rogan’s.” [crowd oohing] [laughing] I’m like, “Cool, is he here?” He’s like, “No, but you know him!” I’m like, “Yeah, I do.” He’s like, “That’s so cool, man.” He goes, “Hey, the best comedians in the game right now, Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, and Tom Segura.” I’m literally standing right in front of him, and I just go… “What about me?” And he’s like, “Nah.” He’s like, “Hey, man, I tried getting into your shit, but see, the problem with you is you laugh at your own jokes.” By the way, he’s accurate. I do laugh at my own jokes. I’ve done it, I will do it. Fuck him, I’m having a good time. Anyway… Now you can tell the conversation’s not going the way he had planned on it. And he looks at me, and he goes, “Hey, man, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I go, “You didn’t hurt my feelings. Those are my three closest friends. I’m gonna tell them about this interaction, and they’re gonna love it.” He’s like, “You’d do that?” I go, “I’m definitely doing that.” He’s like, “Aw, cool, man. What can I get you?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it thugged out.” He’s like, “Huh?” I said, “Black.” And he starts laughing, and I lean in. I go, “I didn’t laugh that time, did I, motherfucker?” [laughing] Yeah. And then I started laughing too ’cause I laugh at my own jokes! Both of us are laughing hard as shit, right? He hands me my coffee and goes, “All right, I was wrong about you. You’re funny.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I go home, I tell my wife about it. She thinks it’s funny.
I come back the next day. Exact same scenario. I walk in, kid sees me, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day, baby.” I get through the line, but this time, when I get up to the counter, he’s already laughing hysterically. He’s giggling. He’s like… [imitates laughter] “How you doing, man?” I go, “Good.” He goes, “What can I get you today?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Oh! Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all.” [laughing] And the kid falls out laughing, right? And I laugh too ’cause I laugh at my own fucking jokes.
But now we’re laughing like a team. Like two buddies who have an inside joke. And what’s making him laugh harder is watching me laugh. We’re matching each other’s energy like two gay lovers in a steam room. He hands me my coffee, grabs my wrist, and he goes, “Hey, am I gonna see you tomorrow?” I was like, “You’re damn right you’ll see me tomorrow.” I was up all night writing jokes for this kid. Yeah, I fucked myself ’cause he already knows the structure to the joke. He already knows the setup. That’s 90% of the work right there. You know he’s been guessing punchlines all day, handing out coffees, like, “Here’s your coffee. Taking a knee during the National Anthem. Enjoy it.” Yeah, I got to bring the thunder. I’m a professional comedian. I owe it to this kid. He just found out I was funny two days ago.
The thing about a joke… Not that you don’t know this, but I’ll reinforce it. It’s got to be the last thing you think I would say. That’s why you laugh. So I show up at Starbucks the next day, right? Starbucks is packed. Kid sees me walk in and works his way over to the register, like, “I got the next ten customers!” I am nervous in line ’cause I’m watching him alert all his coworkers, like, “Get Bradley out of the back. It’s going down. Cathy, stop making coffees. It’s happening. Fat guy, red hoodie. Fat guy, red hoodie.” I’m going over my set list in my head. And I got these two older white women… Not “older.” They’re my wife’s age. Whatever, fuck ’em. Anyway… [laughing] They’re… They’re talking about rescuing whippets or whatever white women talk about. I don’t know. All I know is I’m trying to focus because, by the time I get up to the counter, the first thing I notice is all his coworkers are clustered behind him… just listening. No one’s making coffee! And the kid is in front of them, visibly nervous. He’s like, “Good day, sir.” Now I’m nervous. I’m like, “Good day to you.” He’s like, “What can I get you today?” I’m like, “Ah… I think I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like… [grunting] “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I don’t want it to know its father.” And the kid falls on the ground laughing. His coworkers are behind him, like, “Shit, he brought the thunder, man.” I start laughing. And the white woman next to me goes, “What did you just say to him?” [stammers] “I don’t want my coffee to know its father.” She’s like, “What is that supposed to mean?” And the kid gets up, leans over the counter and goes, “It means he wants it black!”
I am crying laughing. The kid has snot coming out of his nose. And she gets offended. “How dare you talk to him in that manner? I won’t allow that. Not on my watch. I’ll take care of this, son.” And I lean into the kid, and I go, “That’s the problem with cream.” [laughing] That just… [crowd whooping] Cheers. [laughs] Whoa. That’s a lot stronger than I thought it would be. Whoo. Jesus Christ. [man] Yeah, Bert, we love you! I love you too. -[man] Whoo! -[crowd applauding]
I love my wife. I wish I didn’t. I do, man. She’s a bad bitch. She’s an honest person. Here’s the thing about women. When women are honest… This is what sucks. They get written off as bitches. But when a dude’s honest, they’re like, “Savage, man, way to get ’em!” My wife is brutally… My wife is autistically honest. Dude, I was getting undressed in the bedroom the other day, and, through the doorway, I hear her go… [groans] Like, is that for me? And she goes, “You do not look good naked. Like… Baby, it looks like you’re still wearing a belt. When you get naked, it’s like your body… Oh, it looks like you outgrew your dick. It looks like your body got bigger, but your dick stayed the same size, so… It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city. Like, ‘Hell, no, we won’t go. Hell…'”
Dude, I was in the grocery store with her the other day. And I was getting this weird sensation in my dick. It’s going ice cold, then hot, then ice cold, then hot. I started panicking. I go, “Something’s going on with my dick, baby. It goes cold then hot, cold then hot–” And she just cuts me off and goes, “You have to lose weight.” I go, “Do you think it’s my blood pressure?” She’s like, “No, it is out of your pants.” I couldn’t see it. And there it was like a hood ornament, just… Shut the fuck up. Like Rose in the Titanic. [howling] It was getting cold in the frozen food section. I’m such an idiot. I’m opening the ice cream door, like, “It’s happening again. Oh, God. Should we get baby aspirin? I think I’m having a stroke. No, never mind. It’s going. It’s gone.”
My wife saw her first porn the other day. Let me rephrase that. My wife caught me watching porn the other day… in the worst way anyone’s ever gotten caught watching porn. I guarantee it. 11:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. I’m in the closet. Now… I don’t even know how it started. I don’t know how I got into it. All of a sudden, I’m in it, though. I’m on my phone, scrolling. Because I broke my governor when I was a kid. Now nothing turns me on. I’m like, “Give me a tentacle or quicksand. Something real. Knock the wind out of someone. Something I can gravitate to.” I hear her walking into the closet. Phone in the pocket, she didn’t see that. She looks at me and says, “What were you just doing on your phone?” I’m on my heels, I got this. I go, “I was replying to work e-mails.” She goes, “Really? Are you sure you weren’t watching a video called No Mercy for My Throat?” Now I’m thinking, “That is really specific for a guess.” But I stood my ground. I go, “No.” And she goes, “Dickhead, your phone’s tethered to the TV in the bedroom.” She had been watching me flip through all the porns I deemed boring. “Girl on girl? What is this, eighth grade? Guy, girl? What am I, gay? Come on, give me something real. Ooh, No Mercy for My Throat? I’m listening.” And this was not for the faint of heart. This was not entry-level porn. This was mascara running. Like… [gagging] The kind of blowjobs where they have to come up for air. Just… [gasps] [gagging] She’s like, “What the fuck is that?” I’m like, “That is a blowjob.” [crowd cheering] [whooping] She’s like, “Who does it like that?” I go, “Champions, that’s who. That woman’s there for the love of the game, not the paycheck. You’ve got to understand something, LeeAnn. All women are different. You say, ‘Tomato,’ she says, ‘Toma…'” [gagging] She’s like, “They don’t make regular porn?” I go, “What’s regular porn?” She’s like, “The stuff we do.” I go, “You mean a bloopers reel? No.” There’s not a porn out there where the woman’s giving a blowjob, stops and goes, “Are our sprinklers on? Yeah, I hear that. They’re on, aren’t they?”
She won’t even fuck me if I’m sick. If I’m getting sick, off the table. I will definitely have sex with her when she’s sick. I did it Tuesday. [laughs] I’m getting ready to fly to Cleveland. I go, “Hey, we should bang one out, put one in the books, you know?” She’s like, “Oh, I’m getting sick.” I was like, “I don’t care.” She’s like, “I don’t wanna get you sick.” I was like, “We’ll practice safe sex.” She’s like, “You are gonna wear a condom?” I was like, “No. [laughing] Doggy style, so you cough into the wall.” [mouthing] [laughs] “You got a cold, woman, not AIDS. Spin around, Doc Holliday, let’s hit this shit!”
There is no better feeling than a woman coughing during sex. Am I right, guys? [crowd] Whoo! When it first happens, it catches you off guard. You’re like, “Whoa, bear down, cowgirl. You’re not getting bucked off this bronco. Not with that grip strength. Holy Chasing Amy Chinese Finger Cuffs! Remind me to use that thing when we’ve got to open a jar.” How great would it be… How great… [laughs] How great would it be… How great would it be if our dicks got bigger when we coughed? I’d be fucking my wife with a kitten and a handful of pollen. Just… [grunting] “‘I got a small dick.”
So I bought a gun. Now… [crowd laughing, cheering] Whoa. I would hold your applause until you hear the joke. You may not want to applaud at the end. [laughs] No one’s gonna like this joke. If you’re for guns, you’re gonna hate it. And if you’re against guns, you’re gonna really fucking hate it. I bought a gun ’cause… I didn’t know we even sold guns in LA. I was driving down the street. I saw a gun store. I was like, “Shut the fuck up.” I flipped a bitch. I walked in, I was like, “Hey. Can I buy a gun from you guys?” They’re behind the counter, like, “That’s exactly what we do.” They’re like, “What do you need a gun for, friend?” I was like, “I don’t know. Respect?” “You’re in the right place. You need a Glock. Come on in.” Holy shit. I have never had more fun with another man on a Monday… than I did with this guy when he walked me through all the upgrades you could get on a Glock. He says, “Gotta get rid of the scope. The scope they give you sucks dick. -You need a scope that glows in the dark.” -I was like, “Yeah, I’m gonna be shooting a lot of shit in the dark.” He’s like, “Want a flashlight on your gun?” I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I want a flashlight on my gun. I want to know what I’m shooting. What am I, a cop?” Then he said… Oh. Are we still cheering, buddy? Sorry. [laughing] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Don’t worry. The boat swings back this way now.
I am not a responsible gun owner. I’ll tell you that right now. My two favorite things to do with my gun are drink with my gun… and point it at people. [laughing] Dude, there is no better feeling in the world than coming home to your house, 2:00 in the morning, lights out, kids asleep… pouring yourself a whiskey… grabbing your Glock… taking your trousers off… and running the perimeter of your house… naked, loaded and loaded. Just… Dog’s walking next to you like, “I wish a motherfucker would.” How great would it be if that’s when someone broke into your house? They climb through the window, and first thing they see, whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. [laughing] “We’ve been waiting for you. Tonight’s gonna get a little weird. I’m not gonna lie to you. Am I right?” Here’s my biggest problem. My biggest problem I’ve had is there’s a gun attached to my flashlight. Whenever you need a flashlight, everyone’s like, “Quick, where’s the flashlight?” You’re like, “Oh… I know where one is.” Now you’re the dad in the thunderstorm. “Is everyone in the living room?” Camping with your family. “Who wants to hear a scary story, huh?” Taking the trash out in the middle of the night, just waving it down the alley.
Dude, I took the trash out one night, right? Gun, unloaded. I should have said that at the beginning. I’ve never put bullets in my gun. Sorry. It’s a very different story. I tried when I got it, but then it hurt my thumb. So I was like, “Oh, fuck it.” And then I lost the little sleeve thing with the bullets in it. I don’t even know where that is.
I lost my gun one time. Do you know how scary that is? Walking into your living room like… “Hey… has anybody seen Dad’s… Mmm… You know what? Never mind, never mind.” “What is it, Dad?” I was like, “You’ll know when you see it. You’ll be like, ‘Oh, that’s what Dad was looking for.’ Just get me. Don’t tell Mom. Come get me. And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, okay, $100.’ If you find what I’m looking for, $100.”
So I’m taking the trash out one night, right? Gun unloaded, flashlight on. Very confident. I drop off the trash, I’m coming back into my house, gun unloaded, very confident, point it into my living room. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had let our bullmastiff out to take a shit. Yeah, we have a 140-pound bullmastiff. I did not know that. I just heard a noise by the garage. Swing my flashlight around to investigate. Lights up my dog shitting which looks a lot like a werewolf in transition. It scared me. I pulled the fucking trigger! You should have seen the dog. She was like, “Motherfucker! Is there someone behind me?”
This dog sucks dick. She does. Biggest mistake, man. I bought a purebred bullmastiff. Purebred. Pure… Well, purebred. Champion bloodlines on the mom’s side. Champion bloodlines on the dad’s side. Purebred, top dollar. Five knee surgeries. [crowd groans] Yeah. Only has four legs. Five… Yeah. It doesn’t have a jump shot, can’t hit a curve ball. No scholarship. On the second knee surgery, I said to the vet, “What are we gonna do about this dog?” He goes, “You want to just put her down?” I was like, “No, this is my dog.” He goes, “There’s gonna be a lot more knee surgeries.” I go, “Why?” And he goes, “You bought a purebred.” I was like, “They’re the best.” He’s like, “No, they’re not.” He says, “Idiots like you want to know what your dog’s gonna look like. So you buy a purebred. But what you don’t know is, in order to keep that breed pure, they’ve been breeding the same bloodlines for centuries, and now what’s happened is they’ve overbreeded those bloodlines. And that is why you’re getting dogs with weak-ass constitutions and birth defects. All an attempt to keep them pure.” I was literally in his office like, “So you’re telling me right now… Hitler was totally wrong.” [crowd laughing] [cheering] [laughs] If Germany had won that war, blonde chicks would be walking around with hip dysplasia, just… Big tits, but just… [in German accent] “Da… [snorts] This is how I breathe when I sleep, huh?” [snorts]
We got a rescue dog. Also, we got a rescue cat. Big mistake. The rescue dog, we got from East LA. Apparently, some Mexican gangbangers had spray-painted her to look like a Raiders helmet. And that’s when we took over, only to find out very quickly, A, the dog doesn’t speak English. Didn’t know that was a thing. Yeah. And, B, hates Mexicans. If you think Trump has a distaste for them… this dog fucking hates them. Just… She sees a Mexican, she’s like… [barking furiously] I’m on the other end of the leash like, “Hey, what’s up, homeboy?” Like, “Yo, what’s up with your fucking dog, homes?” “Well, she hates Mexicans.” “That’s fucked up, homey.” “Well, you tell her. I can’t.” [crowd laughing] “No, you got to beat that shit out of her.” [laughs] “I think that’s why she hates Mexicans.”
Then we got a rescue cat. If you’re thinking about rescuing a cat, don’t. Yeah, rescuing a cat’s like rescuing a hobo. They’ve seen some shit in the streets. It’s not getting out of their DNA anytime soon. This cat’s favorite thing to do is catch rats outside, bring them into our house and let them go. First day we got this cat, I put in a cat-door so it could run away. It didn’t. Apparently, it stuck its head out of the cat-door in the afternoon and was like, “Hey, there’s a new motherfucker in town. And if you want to fight me, meet me in my living room at 2:00 a.m. Two neighborhood cats enter our house… and fight our cat in our living room in the middle of the fucking night. My bitch-ass dogs are like, “Lock the doors!” Apurate, apurate, apurate, apurate!
All right, back to my guns. Now… I go to pick up my guns. I got two guns. I got a shotgun too, but I broke it first day. Yeah, I thought I got one that goes… [imitates gun cocking] But he sold me the one that went… [weakly] “Hey.” So I go to pick up my guns, and my arms dealer tells me, “Hey, man…” He goes, “I can’t give you your guns.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “None of your paperwork checks out.” I go, “What do you mean?” He goes, “All the bills are in your wife’s name. You car’s in your company’s name. I can’t give you your guns.” I started laughing hysterically. Because all I thought to myself was, “Our system works?” Like, how great is it that our system works? I looked at him, laughing hysterically. I was like, “Dude, I feel safer knowing I can’t get a gun… than if you gave me two guns. I’m so happy to know our system works.” He looks at me dead serious and goes, “Oh, you’re getting your fucking guns.” I was like, “I don’t feel so good about this anymore, Kevin.” He’s like, “We have a workaround.” This is what he did. Called my wife on the phone, said, “Ma’am, I want you to print out a blank lease. Then fill it out, saying you rent a room in your house to your husband. Fax it into me. I get it, I’ll give him his guns.” My wife was cackling on the other end of the phone. “Sorry, we’re at full occupancy, Kevin.” She sends it in. I get my guns.
I love my guns. I do love my guns. I’m the kind of idiot… I don’t know if you’re like me, where you see a gun in a movie, and I call up my arms dealer immediately. I was like, “Yo, Matrix. Agent Smith. What gun is that?” He’s like, “Desert Eagle, 50 caliber.” I go, “Sign me up!” He’s like, “I can’t do a 50 caliber in California. I’ll get you a 40 caliber. I’ll do a workaround in the office. I’ll get you what you need.” He’s like, “You can get a long gun too. What long gun do you want?” I go, “Well, I need a shotgun.” He’s like, “I just sold you a shotgun.” I go, “Yeah, you sold me the circumcised one. I want the uncircumcised one where you can pull the hood back.” Just… [imitates gun cocking] He’s like, “You don’t want another shotgun. You want an AR-15.” I was like, “Whoa, slow down, brother. I might not be the right guy for an AR-15. I lost my Glock for nine days.” All my wife heard was “AR-15” and comes marching in the kitchen. “Is that motherfucker trying to upsell you on an AR-15?” I’m like, “Bitch, men are talking.” She’s like, “Did you tell him you took your Glock in the shower?” I’m like, “Woman!”
I go, “Kevin… I’m not gonna be a part of the problem in this country. I’m gonna be a part of the solution. I’m not getting another one of these killing machines, putting it out into the population and losing it for nine days and some kid finding it. All I want is my Desert Eagle 50 caliber. And a… [imitates gun cocking] …shotgun.” My wife’s next to me. She goes, “That’s the man I married.” Kevin’s on the other end of the phone. He goes, “Am I on speaker right now?” I said, “No,” and he goes, “All right, cool. I’ll have the AR-15 waiting for you.” I said, “Bro. I really don’t want the gun.” He goes, “Give me ten seconds and listen to me. Bert, in the event of an apocalypse–” I’m like, “I’m still listening.” He’s like, “This is the best gun to defend you and your family.” I couldn’t even help myself. I was like, “Can I get the one with the bump stock on it?” My wife heard me say that… and canceled my fucking lease.
I had to show my kids my gun. Yeah, I brought them into the bedroom. I was like, “Dad’s got guns. Can’t talk shit to me anymore.” These two window-licking ninnies… [laughs] …they had two different reactions. Georgia, my oldest, was just appalled. She was like, “I can’t believe you’d buy guns with what’s going on in our country. At that moment, that’s when you go out and buy guns?” And I was like, “Yeah. And you go to your fucking room.” Shh. Get, get, get, get, get. Ila’s just staring at it. She goes, “Can I touch it?” I was like, “Yeah, pick it up.” She’s like, “Is it loaded?” I go, “I don’t know. Point it at the bed, pull the trigger, find out.” She’s like, “It’s so heavy.” I go, “Put it in your other hand. It feels like someone else is holding it. There you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hold it with both hands and point it at the cat. Watch. Turn the laser on. It’s like the cat wants to die. He’s like, ‘Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!'”
I’m a bad parent. Even when I try, I fail. My kids went and saw Black Panther with a bunch of friends. All the parents stayed at home, sent the kids to the movie theater. They come back. We’re all drunk. They’re so excited. “It was the greatest movie ever.” All the parents were like, “Tell us about it, tell us about it.” I got a little bit of a buzz… [laughs] …and all I said was, “Were there are a lot of black people there?” All the parents were like, “Whoa, what the fuck?” And I’m like, “What? It’s a big moment in black cinema. Did you see black people? Like… did you hear them? Or what was the movie like? Was it loud?” All the parents were like, “Bert…” Even my wife’s like, “Stop talking.” Luckily, my kids stepped up, and they’re like, “Dad, we don’t actually look for that kind of thing. So we couldn’t give you an answer.” Everyone’s like, “Well, at least he raised good kids.”
A few months later… we’re at Avengers: Infinity War. Houselights drop, trailers start, spread out the popcorn. My youngest daughter, Ila, is sitting next to me, reaches over to my popcorn, leans over to my ear and goes, “12.” I go, “12 what, Ila?” She goes, “You know.” I go, “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She leans in closer and goes, “Wakanda.” [laughs]
Oh. I feel like I’m a better parent when I’m not there. Like, when something happens for my family, if I’m gone, it’s so much better. My daughters got their periods. Ooh, that was a pause, huh? The guys on the top row are like, “I’m gonna go get another beer real quick.” My daughters got their periods. Georgia got hers first. She’s the oldest. That’s how that works. I wasn’t there. Thank God, ’cause I would have fucked that up royally. I’d have been like, “You go to the river and do laundry for a week. You’re dirty. Go on, get. Go on, get.” Georgia, just to paint the picture, is a simple moron. Like a very… goodhearted, Christian moron. Just doesn’t know what she’s saying.
We were playing… We were playing Scattergories one time. Where you roll the dice, letter comes up, fill out all the categories. Me, Georgia and Ila. We roll the letter “N.” I look at Ila. First one is US states. I go, “Ila, what did you put for US states that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “I couldn’t think of one.” I go, “You’re in eighth grade. You couldn’t think of one state that started with ‘N’?” She goes, “No. Could you?” I go, “Yeah, Nevada.” She goes, “Never heard of it.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put?” She goes, “New Hampshire.” I was like… “Ila, is that a state? I thought that was a providence.” Next one, street names. I go, “Ila, what’d you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “Nebraska.” I’m like, “Bitch! That’s what I put.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” And she goes, “Um, I think I did this wrong.” I go, “What did you put for street names that start with the letter ‘N,’ Georgia?” She goes, “I don’t want to tell you guys. I think… I think I’m gonna keep it to myself.” I’m like, “Now you’re definitely fucking telling us.” She goes, “I wrote, ‘Notorious B.I.G.’ Wasn’t that his street name?” I’m like, “You beautiful fucking idiot. Yes, it was.”
She got her period… on a Saturday night, in middle of the night. Woke up Sunday morning, bleeding, freaking out. Crack of dawn. I was on the road, thank God. Walked into our bedroom. Woke up my wife, five in the morning, bleeding and crying. Her exact words were, “Mommy, I’m not ready to be a big girl today.” [crowd] Aw. It breaks your heart. It really does. My wife is a fucking gangster. I joke a lot about her. She’s a bad motherfucker. Dude, she scooped her up, took her out to the living room, put her down on the couch, put some towels down, I hope. Went out, got doughnuts, came home, started season one, episode one of Downton Abbey. And that became their show. That was Georgia’s entrance into womanhood. That’s how they bonded. I came home, I didn’t even know anything had happened. I was drunk, obviously. We had just put our new pool in. So I go, and I grab Ila. I take her outside. I throw her in the pool. I grabbed Georgia. You already know it, don’t you? The second I grab her, she goes, “Get your hands off me!” I’m like, “Whoa. You do not talk to your father like that.” Ila pops up out of the pool. “Dad, we got a bleeder!” [mouthing] Georgia starts crying immediately. LeeAnn yells at me. I end up in the pool with Ila, drinking a double Tito’s and soda. Getting the full rundown. Ila’s like, “Dad, I followed the tracks into Mom’s room.” I go, “You followed tracks?” She goes, “Like a hunter, Dad.” Looks at me dead in the face and goes, “Hey, Dad, I promise you right now, I’ll never get my period.” I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. I’ll always be your best little buddy.” [crowd] Aw. [laughing] I know. I almost started crying in the pool because I was like, “How stupid is she?”
I’ll tell you how stupid she is. I’ll tell you exactly how stupid she is. If you spend too much time with her, you start getting stupid. Does that make sense? We took a family trip this summer. [laughs] First morning, we all sit down for breakfast. Ila shows up five minutes late. Sits at the table, looks at me and goes, “Hey, big boy. What did you think about those dreams last night, huh?” Now we’re all looking at each other going, “She thinks we have the same dreams?” She’s 12. For 12 years… she thought we all got the same dreams… programmed every night. That everyone got the same set. Like it’s must-see TV. But then I’m sitting across from her going, “I had two dreams about this kid last night. What if she cracked the code?” I lean across the table. I go, “Hey, did you dream that I was locked in a trunk?” My wife goes, “What the fuck are you doing? We don’t have the same dreams.” Ila kicks me under the table. She goes, “I’ll talk to you after breakfast.”
That afternoon, we’re going snorkeling, right? We’re out on the boat. And I’m watching Ila look off the side of the boat at the horizon. It looks beautiful. Great moment as a parent to say, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” Your kid turns around. Dream scenario, “Hey, Dad… thanks.” I go, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” She turns around and goes, “We should get tattoos.” I go, “We’re not getting tattoos.” She goes, “No, Dad, think about it. If we all got the same one, we’d never regret it.” I go, “You’re 12, Ila. What tattoo would you want?” She goes, “What’s it called when you cover your arm?” I go, “You want a fucking sleeve? You’re gonna be the only eighth grader walking into homeroom like it’s a jujitsu tournament. What do you want sleeved on your arm, Ila?” She goes, “A wolf. Yeah, Dad. His head would start up here, his body would come by my elbow, and his tail would come down to my fingertip. That way you’d know if I was happy ’cause I’d be wagging my finger.” I’m like, “Turn this boat around. We’re getting tattoos.”
There was a period of time… where LeeAnn and I would take Ila’s tests from school outside and read her answers aloud to each other… in astonishment at the human being we had created. She took a test in proverbs one time. Very simple. Proverbs. They gave her the first part, she had to fill out the second part. Very simple. “The grass is always greener…” [crowd] On the other side. “…when you water it,” is what she put. [crowd laughing] “Don’t bite the hand…” [crowd] That feeds you. “…that’s brown.” “Children should be seen and not…” -[crowd] Heard. -“…touched.” This is the child… This is the child in chest-deep water in the pool, staring me in the eyes, going, “I’ll never get my period, I promise.”
Then a year and a half later, on a Friday… Now, it’s important I tell you it’s a Friday ’cause, on Fridays, LeeAnn, my wife, goes to therapy and her chiropractor, so she is incommunicado all day. I’m at home, phone rings. It’s a school nurse. She goes, “I have Ila in the office. Is there a parent at home?” I was like, “I’ll do.” Gives the phone to Ila. Her first words, “I tried to stop it, Dad.” I go, “Stop what?” She goes, “I got my period.” I’m like, “Bitch, you promised.” I’m like, “You called the wrong number, dickhead. Call your mom.” She’s like, “Dad, I need you right now.” Immediately, as a parent, I’m melting down because I’m like, “She’s freaking out at school. She’s by herself. She’s going through what Georgia went through. This isn’t my skill set.” But I got this. I go, “Okay, baby. All right. Okay. How’d you get it?” She was like, “Dad, I was playing kickball.” Immediately, I’m like, “Oh, poor kid, probably thought she blew out her pussy.” Just… [whooshing] “Oh, shit! Oh, I’m out, Coach. I’m out. Yeah. I tore my twat. It’s bad. I blew out my cooch, Coach. I’m gonna have to sit this one out. Pinch runner! Pinch runner!” [laughs]
Now I’m spiraling. I’m like, “What do you need from me? New pants, new panties, new socks? Did it get in your socks? A bucket, some towels, garlic. We gotta keep vampires away from you.” She’s like, “Dad, I’m fine. Mom gave me a go-bag.” I go, “Then what are you calling me for?” She goes, “I need you to go to the store and get supplies.” I’m like, “How bad is this period?” She’s like, “No, Dad. I’m throwing myself a period party tonight.” I’m like, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” She’s like, “All the girls are doing it, Dad. I need you to go to the store and get supplies. Get a red velvet cake.” I’m like… [gagging] [continues gagging] I go, “Baby, I don’t think I can eat a red velvet cake… knowing what it symbolizes.” She’s like, “Dad, you need a red velvet cake for a period party ’cause you put the name of your period on the cake.” I’m like… “Who names their period?” She’s like, “Georgia named hers after the girl from Progressive auto insurance.” She’s like, “Dad, please. I need you right now. I have ten people coming tonight.” I go, “We have ten little girls coming to the house?” She goes, “No, eight girls, two boys.” I’m like, “Who invites boys to a period party?” And I hear her sinister little giggle on the phone, and she goes, “Dad, that’s the fun of it. We don’t tell them why they’re there.” Now I’m like, “Fuck it, I’m in.”
I have never had more fun at a party in my entire life. Planning, hosting and attending a period party. I dressed all in red, like it was Chinese New Year’s. Drinking pinot noir. I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce. And I giggled the whole night with all these little girls at these two boys, Max and Carter, faces covered in red cake. Like it’s their honeymoon, and they’re like, “Fuck it, I’ll eat it anyway.” The whole party, these two boys are looking at the cake, going, “Who the hell’s Jason?” My daughter, Ila Kreischer… named her period Jason… because she got it on Friday the 13th. I pray this child doesn’t find marijuana.
My dad just found marijuana. Seventy years old. Started eating it every night. Twenty milligrams, my mom says. Dad’s eating… That’s what I said, like, “That’s a lot.” I go, “Are there any side effects?” She goes, “Other than the fact that he calls me ‘bro’ a lot, no.” We go down to Tampa, spend some time with my parents. We’re out on their dock. My whole family. My dad, my mom. You can tell when my dad’s weed kicks in ’cause he starts humming Jimmy Buffett songs. All of a sudden, he just pops up, turns around to us, and he goes, “Who wants to talk to an owl tonight, huh?” I look at my mom. I go, “How much weed is Harry Potter eating?” My mom’s like, “No, he talks to an owl every night. Show him, Albert.” My dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes… [hoots] My idiot kids were like, “Papa, should we hoot too?” He’s like, “Yeah, come on, girls, we’ll all hoot. Here we go!” [hoots] Now the three of them are on the edge of the dock, like three Crips, letting them know cops were in the neighborhood. [hooting] Five minutes goes by. Five minutes! We don’t hear a sound. I look at my dad. I go, “Dad, maybe we should sit down. I don’t think your owl’s out tonight.” He’s like, “Yeah, that’s crazy. He’s always out. Don’t worry. We’ll try again tomorrow, girls.” Pour a glass of wine. Thirty seconds later, clear as a bell, all of us hear… [hoots] I get chill bumps. I look at my dad, and I go, “Dad, it’s your owl.” He’s like, “I told you, bro.” He’s like, “I’ll get him going. And once I get him going, we can all talk to him, all right?” [hoots] And right on top of it, we hear… [low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] My oldest daughter goes, “Dad–” I go, “Shut the fuck up. We’re talking to an owl.” She goes, “Dad–” I go, “Wait your turn, bitch. I’m next.” She goes, “Dad, look across the lake at the old man on his dock!” Sure as shit, there’s another drunk, blind, old white man, just… [hooting] These two are like Ric Flair in a cave. Just… [continues hooting]
I’m scared of marijuana. Like, healthily scared of marijuana. ‘Cause I’ve had those bad times where you get way too high, and you think you’re gonna die. Your face gets cold. Your heart starts racing. You can feel sawdust going down your throat. Dude, highest I’ve ever been, highest I’ve ever been, traffic school. Yeah. One hit of a blunt. I took one hit. That’s it. Black guy, sitting outside traffic school, smoking a blunt, nods me over. I’m thinking, “I think it’s racist if I say no.” I take one hit of his blunt, I’m higher than I’ve ever been. Now, for those of you who don’t know much about marijuana, let me make this very clear. A blunt is different than a joint, okay? A joint is like a blowjob at camp. Fun, light. “Hey, I’ll see you next year. Send you a postcard.” “All right!” A blunt is like a blowjob in prison. You’re like, “Wow, this is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It’s brown, and it hurts my throat.” One hit off this blunt, one hit, and I’m so high, panic sets in. I was so scared, I walked into traffic school holding onto the black guy’s shirt like… We walk in, he sits down. Middle row, second seat. I sit directly in front of him. Middle row, front seat. We smell like two of Snoop Dogg’s fingers. Our teacher walks in, has a completely atrophied right arm. Immediately, I’m thinking, “I wish I had known about that… before I got this high.” [laughs] Now I’m staring at it. I can’t even help it. I’m just tracking it, like… He sees me looking at it and goes, “All right, let’s get this off the table. Who notices something different about me?” He didn’t even finish his sentence before my hand was in the air. “Hey, right here.” As soon as it goes up, I realize I’m the only one with their hand in the air, and everyone else is looking at me like, “You’re gonna say it?” And now I’m drawing a blank, going, “What’s it called?” And he’s like, “Well, what is it?” I’m like, “Ah… Uh… huh…” I’m stalling so long that the black guy taps me on the back and goes, “Psst, it’s his arm.” And that is when marijuana performed a miracle on me. Marijuana said, “Bert, start talking. We’ll fill in the words.” I was like, “I kind of want to know them first.” Marijuana was like, “That’s not how it works, big guy. I’m gonna toss them into your mouth, and you hit them out of the park with your tongue.”
So I said to this guy… Highest I’ve ever been in my life, 8:15 in the morning in Burbank in a middle school. “I don’t know if I’m the only one that sees this… but from where I’m sitting… from my perspective… it seems to me that one of your arms… is fucking humongous.” [laughs] This guy laughed so hard his baby arm goes rodeo on him. The black guy’s dying laughing, and he goes, “How do you think that happened?” The black guy goes, “Hammer curls.”
I’m trying to cut back on weed. You’re not supposed -to smoke weed around your– -[man shouts] -Do you smoke weed, sir? -[man] Yes. [laughing] [laughs] That was… I want to hear this guy fuck. “Soft. Suck tits. Yes. Happening.” God, I love that fucking answer. [laughs] We’re good. [laughs] I can’t smoke it around my kids. Says my wife. [laughs] I had to watch my girls for nine days by myself. [laughs] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. You ever watch your kids by yourself for an extended period of time… and then, two days in, you start really clearly seeing both sides of the abortion debate? You’re like, “Well…” “I think you should be able to kill them up to ninth grade. Put them in the tub.” [plopping]
My wife sat the whole family down at the kitchen table. She goes, “All right, I’m going to Vietnam for nine days, okay, with my best friend, Sandy.” The girls start unraveling immediately. Georgia’s like, “Who are we staying with?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching us?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching Dad?” My wife’s like, “Listen, I’ve made a very detailed list. If your father follows this list to a T, it’ll be like I never left.” Georgia goes, “He won’t last 24 hours, Mom.” Boy, I should have taken the under on that. This list was so aggressive. “Wake up, 5:45 a.m.” I’m like, “What crops are we harvesting?” “Make the girls breakfast. Georgia likes avocado toast. Ila likes bone broth.” I’m like, “Oh, cool. [laughs] I’m living with Gwyneth Paltrow and a cage fighter.” “Breakfast should be over by 6:00 a.m. Send the girls to their room to get dressed. Check on Ila, 6:05. She’ll be asleep in her closet. 6:15, tell Ila she has to start shitting. 6:45, tell Ila to stop shitting. 6:50, out the door. Drop off the girls, seven o’clock.” The first day, I woke up at 7:15. Just in the weeds. You know, when all the pleasantries of parenting are out the door. You’re like, “Get the fuck out of bed! Get the fuck out of bed! Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches!” They’re like, “What’s for breakfast?” I’m like, “We’re intermittent fasting today, ladies. Let’s go! Make your own lunch boxes. I’m making coffee. We got to do this shit.” They’re like, “Maybe we shouldn’t even go to school, we’re so late.” I’m like, “You’re not staying with me. Get the fuck out the door.” They make their own lunch boxes. Get them out the door so late. You ever take your kids to school so late there’s no traffic? Halfway there, you’re like, “Fuck it. Who wants to go to a water park?” They make their own lunch boxes. Drop them off. Come home, take a Xanax, sleep the day away. Yeah, ’cause I’m a housewife. Wake up, pick them up from school. Take them out to dinner that night. And at dinner that night, into my second glass of wine… realize I’m the only one that can drive. Georgia sees this realization on my face and goes, “Hey, big boy… how you think you’re doing on your first day, huh?” I’m like, “I think we’ve had some hiccups, but… all in all, I would say today’s a victory. What do you think, George?” She goes, “Really?” She goes, “Why don’t you ask your youngest daughter what she had for lunch today?” I look at Ila. And I go, “Hey, Ila, what did you have for lunch today?” She just looks at me and goes, “A bag of rice.” I go, “And?” And she goes, “A bag of rice.” Georgia’s like, “Dad, she packed a lunch like she was working on the railroads. She didn’t even bring a fork, Dad.” I go, “You didn’t bring a fork? Baby, didn’t you feel like your lunch was missing something?” She goes, “Yeah. Soy sauce.” This idiot grabbed a microwaveable Uncle Ben’s bag of rice… threw it in the microwave for two extra minutes so it would be hot at lunch. Threw it in her backpack. No lunch box. It exploded in her backpack. She ate it out of her backpack with her hand like a fucking orangutan. “My mom’s in ‘Nam.”
We Uber home that night. Get home, check my list. “Girls should be showered and in bed by 7:30.” It is ten o’clock. I am wasted. And they’re drinking Diet Cokes. Now I start unraveling. I’m like, “Goddamn it, girls, we’re running late. Go in the bathroom, take a couple of whore’s baths and get in bed.” Georgia goes, “What did you just say?” “A whore’s bath, Georgia. Take a whore’s bath and get in bed.” “I don’t even know what that is, Dad.” I go, “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, let’s go.” “What did you say?” “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, ladies. Let’s go!” Ila’s standing next to Georgia. She goes, “Dad, how do you get rid of ringworm?” I’m like, “Motherfucker! How did you get ringworm in one day? Georgia, stay away from dirt-dirt over there.” She got fucking ringworm. “Don’t touch anyone with that arm. You are highly contagious.” She hears that, takes her arm and rushes me like I hit her with a pitch. “Now you’ve got ringworm!” I go, “You put it on my face, asshole!” Georgia’s making her way out of the living room, real coy, and I go, “No. Blood in, blood out, motherfucker. Get her, Ila.” We grab Georgia, hold her down, give her ringworm. She’s crying. We’re laughing. Send them to bed, no bath. That’s the best part of the day right there. Kids in bed. I am done. Yeah. Pour myself a drink. Get in my recliner. Whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. Turn on Dr. Pimple Popper. Yeah. Phone rings. LeeAnn. Hard pass. I am not defending this shit-show of a day… this drunk. I am drunk. You’re not allowed to be drunk. That’s the first thing on the list. “Dad can’t use drugs or alcohol for nine days.” For nine days! She wants me to go to sleep every night like a fucking Mormon. Just… “Well, that was a great day. That’s it for me. Looks like I’m done thinking.” Nine days with these kids, and she wants me to raw dog it like a settler? Phone rings again. LeeAnn. Hard pass. Home phone rings. I go, “What is this, 1982? Who’s answering that?” Stops ringing. Kill my drink. Make another drink. Start to fade away. You know that feeling where your brain starts going crazy like, “Oh, okay, here we go.” I hear the girls’ door open. I’m like, “Shit.” Ila comes out over my shoulder, and she goes, “Hey, big boy. Think you could use a little company?” Nope. I go, “Go back in your room.” She goes, “I can’t sleep. I thought I’d hang out and watch TV with you.” I go, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Just ’cause Mom’s not here doesn’t mean there’s no rules.” She goes, “But I can’t sleep.” I go, “You haven’t even tried to sleep.” She goes, “No, I did try. I can’t sleep. Georgia’s on the phone with Mom.” I’m like… “What did you just say?” She goes, “Georgia’s on the phone with Mom. Is that a bad thing?” I go, “Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Did we just hold her down and give her fucking ringworm? Let me explain it to you this way, idiot. Right now the snitch is talking to the bitch, and we are fucked!” Georgia comes marching out of her bedroom, phone in hand. “No, Mom. ‘Pits and pussies.’ That’s what he said. Hold on, he’s drinking. Here you go, Dad.” I grab the phone, put it to my ear. All I hear is, “A bag of fucking rice?”
Cleveland! [crowd cheering] Thank you! Thank you! You will never know how much I appreciate every single one of you here tonight. [electronic music playing] Thank you for pacing yourself, drinking today. Thank you for showing up late for work tomorrow. Thank you, Cleveland, for one of the greatest shows I’ve ever had in my life. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! [cheering continues] [man hooting] [continues hooting] [woman] I’d die laughing if I heard back, “Me! Me!” [laughs] You jerk. You heard it. [woman] I did hear a “hoo.” Do you hear a person laughing on the dock over there? [laughing] [man] You jerk. That was an owl, you jerk. [laughs]