[vocal music]
♪ Uh-uh, yeah ♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[music continues] ♪
♪ All day, all day ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block ♪ Until we made a way, made a way ♪
♪ Day to day, man ♪ That’s the only way, only way ♪
♪ They gon’ know my name until it fade away ♪
♪ Fade away, fade away, fade away ♪
♪ Fade–fade away, way, way ♪ Fade away
[cheers and applause]
♪ Fade away, fade away, fade away, fade away ♪
♪ They gon’ my name ♪
♪ Until I fade, fade, fade ♪
– What up?
[cheers and applause continue]
Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s very nice– nice to be home. Very nice to be in New York. [people cheer] I, uh– I had a pretty– [man yells] Yup. [laughter] You know how you know someone’s from Staten Island? [laughter] They let you know that they’re from Staten Island. If you don’t know what Staten Island is, it’s like New York’s abortion that lived. [laughter] It’s a shitty place. Nah, there’s good people everywhere but, like, not in Staten Island at all. Yeah, like, everybody could die on Staten Island, and I wouldn’t lose sleep over it at all. I’d be like, “Oh, I guess I got to find a new Xanax dealer.” Like, that’s about it.
No, it’s nice to be home. I had a–I had a fucked-up week. I had a long week. I had to fly Cape Air. I don’t know if anybody’s ever flown Cape Air, but I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a Volvo that flies. It’s a Volvo with wings. Um, first thing, you pull up to the airport. I didn’t even know it was the Cape Air airport, because it looked like a post office. So I told the Uber driver, I was like, “Listen. I think we’re at the post office.” And he was like, “No, this is the airport.” And I was like, “Well, okay.” First thing you do when you get in there– there’s one lady working in the airport. And when I got in there, I was very, like— I was like, “What the fuck’s going on?” And she was like, “Okay, weigh your carry-on.” I was like, “That seems normal.” I’ve weighed my carry-on before. And she was like, “Now weigh your backpack.” I was like, “Well, that’s a little odd.” I’ve never really weighed my backpack, but, you know, maybe there’s not a lot going on at Cape Air. Maybe she’s just trying to get a good work in. Like, you know what I mean? So I weighed my backpack. And then she was like, “Now you.” [laughter] I was like, “Why–why do I have to be weighed?” And she was like, “Well, we have to weigh everybody “so we know where to seat you on the plane “so it doesn’t topple over. ‘Cause it’s not like a regular plane.” And I was like, “Did you just say ‘regular plane’? Why the [bleep] is that okay?” It was terrifying. We walk to the plane. You could sit shotgun with the pilot, like he’s your buddy from college. The pilot was trying to give us a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like, “All right, guys. “Before we take off on Cape Air, “I just want to let you know “pretty much the most important rule. You guys know how, on a regular plane…” I was like, “What’s with this [bleep] ‘regular plane’ thing?” I was like, “Get a new spiel.” He was like, “You know, when you’re on a regular plane, “they’re like, ‘Turn your phones off,’ “but you really don’t have to turn your phone off? “On this plane, turn your [bleep] phones off. All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right?”
Just happy to be home. Very–getting a little older. And when you say that and you’re 22, people immediately think you’re a dick. But, like, I’m the oldest I’ve ever been. So, like, to me, I’ve been around. Like, I’ve noticed little things getting older, like now I can’t get hard by just, like, looking at a picture of a girl. Yeah, I can’t do it anymore. At first, I thought I was gay. I was like, “Oh, no, I’m gay now.” I was like, “That’s what this means.” No, I didn’t know, like, when you get older, you can’t just, like, get hard. I didn’t know you have to, like, bat it around and get it going, you know? I used to be able to get hard, any picture of a girl. She didn’t have to be naked. As long as she was kind of like this, like, I could always just jerk off if there’s some sort of a tilt.
My mom‘s cool, man. She’s getting old now. It’s kind of sad. Like, she just turned 46, and, like… [laughter] Yeah, she still works and… she still drives. She’s a trouper. I don’t know how she does it. [applause] No, every day that woman gets up, I’m like, “You’re amazing.” My mom’s so old, it’s like it’s cute now. Like, whenever she does anything, I find it adorable and I’m proud. Like, I talked to my mom the other day. She was like, “Last night, I got home “at, like, 11:30. I just–I went out for some drinks with my friends.” And I was like, “[bleep], yeah, you did. [bleep] Amy. Let’s go.”
It’s weird; my mom’s single. It’s a very weird thing. My mom’s single. My sister’s a teenager. It’s very weird, you know, ’cause whenever one of them brings a dude home, I don’t know who he’s for. [laughter] Like, when I answer the door, I don’t know if I’m supposed to, like, beat him up or, like, play catch. Like, I have no idea. I’m like, “Are you my new dad? You want you see my room?”
I give my mom a lot of credit. She–she had to do a lot of weird shit. You know, she had to– like, my mom had to buy me condoms. I feel like that’s a dad’s job. I mean, I never had a dad, but I assume that’s, like, the dad’s job. Like, in my head, how I would get condoms from my dad is, we would be having a catch, and then all of a sudden, a huge box of condoms would appear in his hand, and he’d be like, “Go long!” And he would throw it, and then I would catch it, and he’d be like… I don’t know; I don’t have a dad. But I assume that’s, like, how it goes down.
I tell you how it’s not supposed to go down. I got home from school. I was, like, a sophomore in high school. And my mom was like, “Hey, I left a little present for you on your bed.” I was very excited. I was like, “Oh, my God, perhaps it’s sneakers.” I was very—there was endless possibilities. It could be DVDs. Those were hot at the time. It could have been a million things. I get up there. It’s a 50-pack of condoms. Every variety, every brand. And I just wanted to be like, “Mom, “who the [bleep] do you think your son is? “Like, I never even brought a friend home. “Like, what made you think I was out there, “like, slinging pussy? “I hang out with you every night. “Do you want to [bleep] me? Do you want to [bleep] me, Mom? No, let’s [bleep]. I’m mad now.”
Me and my mom are really close now. I–this is how close me and my mom are. Like, I send my mom pictures of my dick whenever I’m worried. Easy. [laughter] She’s a nurse. She’s a nurse, so I figure whenever, like, I get a dot or something, rather than go see the doctor, I can just cut out the middleman, send it to my mom. [people groan] That’s not [bleep]–no, [bleep] you; I don’t like that. You know, maybe you guys aren’t just that close with your mothers. Yeah, me and my mom are on a dick level. No, like–no, here’s an example. Like, if there was a line of dudes waiting to show their dick to my mom, right– it’s her lucky day. I–I could cut that line, because I’m with the family. You understand? No, I would send my mom pics. I’d be like, “Hey, Mom, sorry to bother you, but, you know, do you see anything wrong here?” And she’d be like, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong.” And I’d be like, “What?” She’s like, “You’re sending me pictures of your dick. “What the [bleep]’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.” Oh. [applause] She was like, “Put a Band-Aid on it. I don’t know.”
No, I was–I was a loser in high school. It was my fault, though. Like, I realize it’s my fault. I went to three different high schools, okay? The first high school I went to, I was like, “Wow, everybody here is a [bleep] asshole.” And then I got to another high school, and I was like, “Wow, lightning strikes twice. Everybody here is a [bleep] asshole too.” And then I got to the third high school, and I was like, “Oh, it’s me.” I was like, “It was me the whole time.” I looked down. I had a rolling school bag. I was like, “Perhaps I had something to do with this. I think it might have been my fault.” No, [bleep] that! Why is the rolling school bag the gay one? I never understood that. That makes no sense to me. Grown–grown adults– “You’re a [bleep] loser. You have a rolling school bag.” I never understood that. What, do you want to carry your books like a peasant? That makes no sense to me. [bleep] roll down the hallways like a G, rolling your [bleep] textbooks. “What you doing?” “Studying, motherfucker.” Like, why is that– why was it lame? I never understood that. I had a rolling school bag for four years. I loved it. Yeah, even though I looked like I was waiting for a flight for, like, four years. People used to make fun of me, and what sucked was, I never flew before, so I didn’t know that they were making fun of me. I actually thought that they were helping me. I’d be like, “Hey, man, can you help me find Science?” And they’d be like, “Yeah, I think it’s in, like, terminal four.” And I’d be like, “Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.” [laughter]
I, uh, dormed, dormed for– I went to college for a little bit. I dormed. [bleep] hated it. Does anybody here dorm? [people cheer] Yeah? You go to NYU? You go here? No, where do you– where do you gals go? Oh, they go to Pace. Whatever. [laughter] I feel like dorming, for girls, is fun, though. It is–you have fun with your girlies, right? Yeah, ’cause girls could, like, get their periods together and find out who “A” is or whatever. [laughter] Yeah, there you are. I know what girls do. I hated dorming. I think–I feel like dorming– like, any guys in here dorm right now? You? What’s up, my man? Where do you dorm? – What? – You dorm now? – Yeah. – Where at? – 23rd. – 23rd? [laughter] So is that a dorm for a school? Yeah. [laughs] “Where do you go?” “West 23rd and 8th.” [laughs] For what? For here? – NYU. – NYU? Oh, that’s what’s up. How many people in your dorm? – Uh, three girls. – Three girls? We don’t have enough time. [laughter] We don’t–if we weren’t shooting a special, it would be an hour of just finding out everything about this young man. One of them’s your girlfriend? – Ex-girlfriend. – Ex-girlfriend? [crowd exclaims] So dope. [laughter] [applause] You just walk in like a G. Like, “‘Sup, babe?” [bleep] walk away. That’s so dope.
When I went to college, it was four dudes in a room, like, maybe from, like, here… to here. It was four dudes– it was awful. We would all wake up with boners and look at each other, and we would be like, “This isn’t what I thought college would be at all.” Everybody has to shit. Nobody wants to go first. I [bleep] hated that. I hated my roommates. I remember one of them found out he had the biggest dick in the dorm. And then all of a sudden, he was making all of the decisions all of a sudden. He was like, “I think we’re gonna go bowling tonight.” I was like, “Oh, all right, Big Dick Brian. You know, whatever. Yeah.” I used to jerk off when they were there. [bleep] them. I don’t give a shit. Yeah, [bleep] them. I won every night. They had no idea. It was sick. I was jerking off while they were [bleep] typing. Awesome. I did it at night. I didn’t do it during the day. I’m not a savage, all right? Yeah, it wasn’t like 4:00, like, “Hey, what ‘s up, bro? You ready for study hall?” Like, it was, like, at night. No, I like to help people. This is how you jerk off if you’re sharing a room with somebody. Very simple. You get a very big bag of Doritos. Doesn’t have to be Doritos; I just always go with Doritos. Get a big bag of chips, okay? And then you start crinkling it around with your non-jerking-off hand, right, creating some sort of an ambiance. [laughter] And then while you’re doing that, you jerk off. Yeah, they cancel each other out. My roommates just thought I had a snack every night. They’re like, “Pete eats Doritos every night “for, like, a half hour and doesn’t share ’em with anybody. “And then when he’s done eating, he goes, ‘Oh, [bleep]! “‘[bleep]! Oh, [bleep], yes! Oh!'”
[applause]
First day of college, I had this class, and there was a mentally challenged kid in it. And I have no problem with mentally challenged kids. That would be very weird if I did, like if that was my beef, if I was like, “Peace and love, and [bleep] mentally challenged kids.” You’d be like, “What’s up with this guy?” The problem I had was, I was also in that class. Yeah, so, like, one thing came to my mind when I saw the kid. I was first like, “Aw.” Then I was like, “Huh, wait a second. I was like, “Am I mentally chall–like, is this– “is this how they’re gonna tell me? They’re just gonna throw me in, hope I figure it out?” No, I wouldn’t be surprised. I was like, “Maybe I’m, like, one of the better ones “or something. Maybe I’m their leader.” I had no idea.
By the way, I see a lot of people getting sensitive because mentally challenged people are a very sensitive topic. I understand completely. But to make you feel better, I have a mentally challenged cousin, and I asked her if I could do these jokes, and she was like, “Ugh,” so it’s completely fine. She’s very supportive, loves me, okay? She wasn’t like, “Uh.” She was like, “Uh.” I know the difference. It went up. I’ll never forget– this is a true story. We had movie day. In college. I’ll tell you–yeah. The teacher wheeled in a cart and was like, “It’s movie day.” And I was like, “Sick!” And I was like, “Wait, it’s college.” Why did–” I’ll never forget this. The teacher picked Forrest Gump, okay? Before he starts the movie, he goes, “All right, class. Who here saw Forrest Gump?” I swear to God the mentally challenged kid just goes, “I did, sir, and that’s my favorite movie.” And I laughed so [bleep] hard. I laughed so hard, and then I looked around. Nobody else was laughing. Even the mentally challenged kid was like, “Are you [bleep] serious right now?”
Been trying to smoke less weed. If you are in this front row, you know it’s not working out very well. It’s not good–like, when you don’t smoke weed for a little bit, like, it’s crazy. Like, you have feelings. You know, like, something’ll happen, and I’ll be like, “Hey, I don’t–I don’t like that.” As opposed to, like, seven years of just being like, “It is what it is. Swag or whatever.”
This Christmas, I had a couple weeks off. I tried to go to rehab for my mom, as a Christmas gift. But it’s weird. I tried to go to rehab ’cause I wanted to smoke weed less. Like, I didn’t even want to quit. Don’t tell anybody that in rehab, by the way. So I didn’t have enough time to think about it. I was like, “I’ll go to rehab.” So I asked my friends– you know, people who know about this stuff, and I was like, “Where should we go? What’s, like, the best place?” They were like, “You should go to a rehab facility in Utah.” Without even thinking, booked the flight. Did you know, when you book a flight to Utah, there is a layover in Denver? [laughter] And I was sitting in the airport like, “Is this part of the [bleep] rehab? “Like, do I–is this level one? Do I have to get past this?” Also, did you know that there’s rehabs everywhere? You don’t have to go to Utah. I found that out, ’cause I got there, and I was like, “Hi, my name’s Pete Davidson.” They’re like, “Oh, where you from?” I was like, “I live in Manhattan.” And they’re like, “Oh, have you heard about our facilities in Manhattan?” I was like, “No, I heard about the one in Utah.” It’s a weird thing, going to rehab when you want to smoke weed less, like not even quit, because people are there for crack and meth, and I’m there ’cause, like, I want to know what food tastes like. That’s what happens, by the way, when you stop smoking weed for a little bit. You’ll be like, “Oh, some food is not good.” First thing you do when you get into a rehab is, you check into detox. I didn’t know there was no such thing as detox for potheads. So I should have known something was up, because I was in a line waiting to check in, and everybody in front of me was shaking, and I wasn’t. And I felt uncomfortable. I was like, “[bleep] that. I’m not gonna be the odd man out in rehab.” So I started shaking myself. I was like, “Oh, kicked in later, you guys. [bleep]. Holy shit.” I remember this guy that was just like, “Hey, guys, I’m Joe. “I do crack. I died.” And then he was like, “But they brought me back. Ha ha! Obviously!” And I was like, “Ha ha. Ha ha. I don’t know if that’s funny.” And he was just like, “This is my last shot.” Everybody was like, “Thank you. Thank you, Joe.” And I didn’t know you thanked them after, so I was late. I was like, “Oh, thanks, Joe!” And then everybody looked at me, and I was like… I love smoking weed. I’m probably never gonna stop, to be honest with you.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. And I’m not doing it for an applause. It’s just I have problems and I need it, and it makes me feel better. So, like, I love smoking weed. I love smoking weed and driving. It’s my favorite. – Whoo! – Yeah. I love being high when I’m driving. I’m like–I don’t mind traffic. I’m like, “Oh, company. All right.” I’m like, “We’re all in this together, you guys.” You ever make friends in traffic? That’s the [bleep] best. Pull up to a stop, go to the guy next to you like… The guy next to you is like…
I love smoking weed and watching movies. It’s my favorite. You ever get so high, you, like, watch the credits? And you’re like, “Who directed this? He did a good job.” I think that’s what IMDB was created for. People would just get high, and they’re like, “Where is this guy from?” And then you’re like, “Oh, there he is! He was in The Patriot!” One of my favorite movies to watch high is Jaws. Jaws is one of my favorite movies because it was made in the ’70s, so when I watch it, it looks like a movie. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t, but when I watch a movie now, I’m like, “Oh, that could happen.” But because it’s in the ’70s, I could tell–
I’ll give you a couple examples. Like, I love the way they talk in Jaws. They talk very differently. Like, there’s a scene where Richard Dreyfuss is– wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark to see if that little Kintner boy’s in there. I’m glad you laughed, because it always makes me laugh. No, I’m serious; it always makes me laugh. I think it’s just the visual of, like, what if the little boy was actually in there? You know, like, what if he, like, cuts it open and all of a sudden, the boy’s like… [thudding] “He was in there, Chief!” That’d be hilarious. I just like the way they talk in Jaws. There’s a scene. Richard Dreyfuss wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark, and he’s like, “Hey, could I cut open the shark, see if the little Kintner boy’s in there?” And the mayor goes, “I’ll be damned. “If you cut open that shark “and I see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock,” and I’m like, “That’s [bleep] sick.” Nobody talks like that anymore. If that scene was made today, that whole scene would be like, “Hey, can I cut open the shark?” He’d be like, “Nah, [bleep] do it later. Don’t want to get the dock dirty and shit.”
Also when I was watching Jaws, I found out a scene that doesn’t actually belong in there. It’s not proven. I just watched it, and I was like–I felt… Here’s the scene. So Richard Dreyfuss finally is cutting open the shark. And this fat guy comes out of nowhere, and he’s just like, “Hey! “Hey! What type of shark is that?” And Richard Dreyfuss goes, “Uh, it’s a tiger shark.” And then the fat guy goes, “A what?” That scene shouldn’t be in the [bleep] movie. It makes no sense. I was like, “What is that, Spielberg’s uncle? What is that?” It’s probably his uncle. He’s like, “Stevie, are you gonna put me in your movie?” And he’s like, “Yeah. Can you say, ‘A what?'” He’s like, “Can I [bleep] say ‘A what?’ Come on.”
Another movie I watched high, I actually really like. I watched The Vow recently. I love The Vow. If you don’t know what The Vow is, it’s Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, and they’re married. And in the first scene, they get in a car accident, and luckily she goes through the windshield, and– Oh, yeah, it’s my favorite part. And it’s in slow motion, so you get to enjoy it. No, [bleep] that. It’s always the guy going through the windshield, and I was like, “Oh, it’s the girl.” I was like, “All right.” All right, Nicholas Sparks. I see you. I’m invested. She goes through the windshield. She ends up losing her memory. She doesn’t remember that she’s married. The movie should have been over right there. That’s it. Should have been a short film about some bitch who should have wore a seat belt. That’s all that needed to be. Instead of that, the rest of this movie, this poor guy is trying to make his wife fall back in love with him, ’cause she don’t remember him. That would never happen. I mean, maybe it would, but I– I try to put myself, like, in that situation whenever I watch a movie, and I wouldn’t be able to do it, if I’m being completely honest. Like, if I get married to you and you become a vegetable, like, you’re a vegetable now, and I’m on the run, ’cause I’m not a vegetable. If that was me, honestly, and I walked into my wife’s room– and I walk into a hospital, I go to my wife’s room, and was like, “Oh! Oh, my God, honey. Are you okay?” And she’s like, “Who are you?” I’d be like, “Oh, wrong room. My bad. Sorry to bother you, ma’am.” I would call up my friends, be like, “Yo! “Guess who don’t remember? I tried. I said hello.”
I’m a hypochondriac. I always worry about my dick. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m always worried about my dick. How are you? Do you always worry about your dick, dude?
It’s good.
It’s good? Oh, well, aren’t you the [bleep] most confident man in the world? Oh, [bleep] Mr. Dos Equis over there. “Hey, you ever worry about your dick?”
“No, I’m fine, man.”
“Oh, [bleep] you, dude. That was–” I’m sure every guy can relate to this. This ruins my day whenever it happens. Whenever I have to take a shit in a public place and my dick touches the toilet seat, it ruins my day immediately. I’m like, “Oh, my God, I just got everything in this place.” My dick starts, like, coiling back, ’cause, like, it knows what it did. And so I’m like, “No, [bleep] you.” I actually told my doctor that once. I was like, “Before you take a look, I think I know what it is.” I’m like, “You ever take a shit in a McDonald’s “and your dick touches the toilet seat? I think that’s where I got this from.” And he’s like, “That’s not possible.” And I was like, “Well, you’re the doctor, and I’m just trying to help.”
I like going to free clinics, ’cause they know what’s up. You know, nobody goes to a free clinic for chemo. Everybody goes to a free clinic ’cause they had fun yesterday. I like to go to this free clinic in Brooklyn ’cause it’s very well run. That’s right; you could Yelp other things besides food. And I went in, and it’s very well run. The first thing they do, they prick your finger to test you for AIDS, they give you a number, and then you sit with everybody else. And then while you wait to see the doctor, they’ll call your number, tell you your AIDS result. [person groans] Yeah. It’s like bingo. It’s sick. It’s [bleep] best establishment in Brooklyn. Maybe I’m not painting a good picture enough. A nurse will literally come out to the waiting room and be like, “33! No!” And 33’s like… [applause] 34’s in the corner like, “[bleep]! “It’s been seven ‘no’s in a row! Due for a yes.” I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. Like, I’ve never been there and a lady’s been like, “Un, 34? Yeah, you have AIDS.” Like, that’s never happened. I don’t know what they would do. What do you think they would do? I’m sure they would just, like, take you into a room and throw you a Magic Johnson jersey and be like, “Welcome to the team, bro.” Come on. Be positive. Don’t be negative.
I got to tell you a funny story about Heavy, my boy Heavy. So I’m–I’m a– I hate everybody, but I won’t let you know it. Like, I’ll be really pissed or not having a good time. You’ll never be able to tell. Heavy, exact opposite. Something’s wrong, you know about it immediately. It’s why I love bringing him places, right? So me and him, we go to the Justin Bieber concert. We get very [bleep] up. We’re like, “Let’s go see the Biebs.” No, he puts on a great show. He really does. He puts on a sick show. You should go see him. Don’t [bleep] clap; this is my time. But seriously, you should go see him. He does put on a great show, okay? So me and him were really [bleep] up. We’re very late. We’re, like, an hour late to the concert. And we have front row. We have, like, seats over here, okay? We’re late. We get there. There are these two little girls. They could– eight years old, tops. In our seats, having the [bleep] time of their lives. Like, you couldn’t tell these girls nothing. Like, they were having just the sweetest, best time ever. So I go to Heavy, and I’m like, “Listen. “You’re 30. I’m 22.” I’m like, “Let’s give these kids their seats, “let them have a nice fun time, and we’ll just hang in the back.” And Heavy goes, “Uh, abso-[bleep]-lutely not.” And I swear to God he goes up to these two little kids and he goes, “Um, excuse me, little princesses. Uh, are these your seats?” And they go, “No, mister.” And he goes, “Uh, then get the fuck out. One time.” And then, like, without skipping a beat, he’s like, “This is gonna be sick. We’re gonna have some [bleep] fun.”
I’ve been–I watch a lot of porn. Like, I could post a Throwback Thursday photo of me jerking off. And, um… Like, I do. I watch a lot of porn. And I noticed something. I don’t know if you’re an avid porn user, but online, there’s no new porn unless you pay for it. So I’ve been watching some of the classics. But I noticed something that I don’t like in porn. Because I’ve been the same porns over and over, I’m noticing new things, you know? Like, this is something I really don’t like. I don’t like when male porn stars moan. Yeah, what the [bleep]’s up with that? It’s like, “You’re a professional. Act like you been there before.” Yeah. And you know, as a male porn star, like, guys are jerking off to this, so why would you moan so loud? You know how distracting that is? Have some [bleep] respect for your fans, seriously.
I was watching this porn the other day, and the guy was like, “Oh, yeah! “[bleep]! [bleep], yeah!” And I was like, “What a [bleep] weirdo.” I’m like, “Will you shut the fuck up so I could [bleep] come, please, you [bleep] weirdo?” I don’t make any noise when I have sex. Zero. Gentleman. Nothing. “Please” and “thank you” the whole way through. I don’t even make noise when I come. When I come, I’m just kind of like… Yeah, like I just had an epiphany or something. Like, “Oh, my keys. They’re in my jeans.” Like, that’s how I come. Don’t forget to turn the oven off. That’s how I literally come.
If I’m drunk, I’ll yell out one thing when I come. I’ll tell you what it is. Okay? There’s this one thing I yell out when I’m drunk when I come. This is the one thing. Okay, I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the film 101 Dalmatians. There is a scene in 101 Dalmatians when Jeff Daniels’ puppy gives birth, okay? And this lady taking care of the puppies, she’s like, “There’s 14 puppies. “One of them died. There were supposed to be 15, but there’s 14.” And Jeff Daniels, being the goddamn genius of an actor that he is, out of the corner of his eye notices the 15th puppy, that they thought was dead, is starting to wiggle, so it’s alive. And he looks at the lady, and he goes, “No. “Not 14. “15! 15 puppies!” So I yell that when I come now, which is a huge step up from “sorry.” [cheers and applause] Thanks.
Anybody here ever do ‘shrooms? [people cheer] Like, I’m afraid to do drugs, ’cause I love them. Like, whenever I’m about to do a drug, I need to do it with a friend. That way, if I die, he dies too. For some reason, that would be so much better for my mom to find out. Like, if two of us died, it’s not as bad as just me. Does that make sense? No, I’m serious, ’cause if I just died, my mom’s like, “What a [bleep] drug addict.” But if it’s me and another friend, and it’d be like, “That bad influence, Ryan. I always said he was no good for my son.” I picked my friend Ryan to do ‘shrooms with me. My friend Ryan, some of you might know. Some of you might not. He’s this 6’5″, 250-pound black dude from Flatbush, Brooklyn. Okay, he’s been to jail a bunch of times for real shit, not for, like, hoping a turnstile. For, like, murder, okay? He didn’t do it, and… Yeah. He’s nice to me. So I–before I do a drug, I usually Google the best and worst thing that could happen. Probably not a good idea, but, again, I’m not a smart person. Let me tell you how not smart I am, okay? This is how not smart of a person I am. I thought Chicago was a state until a week ago. Not done. Only reason why I found out Chicago is not a state is ’cause I was in Chicago, doing a show, came out, and said, “Wonderful to be in the state of Chicago.” Nobody said anything. Nobody said anything till the end of the show. So I did a whole show with “state of Chicago” confidence. That’s how [bleep] stupid I am. So I looked up– I was like, “What’s the best thing that could happen to you on ‘shrooms?” Best review I saw was, “I did ‘shrooms, “I saw the world, and I feel like I’m a better person now.” And I was like, “Hey, that’s a great review.” 200 likes. Nice. Reliable. Worst review of ‘shrooms: “Don’t do ’em. Jumped out of my window.” 500 likes. I was like, “[bleep]. I have two windows. So there’s doubly the chance.”
So I got Ryan in my apartment, and I got a guy, a man to come over to install child locks on my windows. And he got to my house, and he was putting in the child locks, and he was like, “Oh, my God, this is so sweet. When’s the baby due?” And I was like, “There’s no baby. Me and him are doing ‘shrooms.” So we do ‘shrooms, and then nothing happens for about an hour. And you know when people do drugs or drink and they just brag about how not [bleep] up they are and it’s the most annoying thing eve– To me, it really bothers me whenever someone’s like, “Drank 14 beers. I don’t feel shit.” And it’s like, “Oh, maybe you’re autistic, then, “because you should be fucked up completely, to be honest with you.” So we were getting a little mad that it wasn’t working, so we turn on this movie with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. It’s a new movie, so just know they already look scary. Ryan goes, “Yo. Is Al Pacino orange?” And I’m scrolling, and I looked up, and he was, but it didn’t bother me. I went back on my phone. I was like, “Yeah, he is.” Really bothered Ryan, ’cause now Ryan was hiding under a Snuggie, shaking. And he said, “Yo, bro, call me when this is over.” [laughter] So I was freaking out. I was like, “Already the safest guy “that I picked to do ‘shrooms with “is already hiding under my Snuggie. I’m [bleep].” And I started panicking and freaking out. I can’t do this alone, you know? I can’t do anything alone. So I told Ryan, I was like, “Listen. “I’m going to go downstairs, tell the doorman we’re very high on ‘shrooms in case anything happens,” to which Ryan goes, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” And I said, “So he knows.” It makes no sense, but at the time, it made so much sense to me. He’s like, “Why would you do that?” Like, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” “So he knows.” Guy with the questions. So then I got in the elevator. It went down one floor, and it stopped. The alarm went off. And I was freaking out. I was like, “[bleep]. I’m [bleep]. I-I need to get out of here.” So I started punching the elevator, trying to open it. I was freaking out. I was staring at my fist. I was like, “If it ever would happen, “it would happen now. “Wolverine! Come on, one time. Wolverine one time.” It didn’t happen, obviously. I wouldn’t be here right now. I got downstairs. Okay, elevator doors opened. I was too afraid to get out, ’cause I was afraid it wouldn’t go back up. Makes no sense, but at the time, huge [bleep] problem. I was like, “What if it don’t go back up?” So I just stuck my head out to the doorman, and I was like, “Hey, it’s Pete, third floor. “If anything happens, me and my friend Ryan, we’re really high on ‘shrooms.” And he looked at us like this, and then the door just [bleep] closed in his face. [applause]
I got back upstairs into my apartment. Two windows open, no Ryan. [crowd exclaims] To which I said, “I [bleep] knew it. “I knew this would happen. 500 people liked it.” And then Ryan goes, “Yo, my bad about the windows. I’m in the bathroom.” I was like, “All right. Okay.” Now, normally, I don’t care when my friends are in the bathroom for over an hour. And I don’t ask what’s going on in there. But we were both on ‘shrooms, and it was over an hour. So I was like, “Hey, Ryan, what the fuck’s going on in there?” And he was like, “Bro, you got to get in here.” Ryan’s been to jail. So I was like, “Is this jail Ryan, or is this my friend Ryan that we all know and love?” I get in there. This is a true– This is exactly what’s going on. He’s naked, in his boxers, flexing, having the [bleep] time of his life, just flexing. He’s like, “Ugh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.” I’m like, “What’s up, bro? Like, what’s going on?” And he’s like, “I’m the Hulk.” And I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was like, “What do you mean, you’re the Hulk?” He goes, “Don’t you see? I’m green. I’m the very first black Hulk.” And he kept flexing, and I was like, “I don’t–I don’t get it.” And he was like, “Look in the mirror.” This is the only time that I tripped. I looked at Ryan like this, looked at him into the mirror. He turned green into the mirror, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you are the Hulk. Congratulations. This is sick.” So then I got a little cocky, and I was like, “Perhaps I’m also the Hulk.” And I took my shirt off, and I just looked very sick. I was like, “I need to get out of here immediately.”
Ryan gets on the couch. We’re watching–we’re about to watch the rest of this movie. The second we hit “play,” it’s a scene where Al Pacino comes out from behind a corner and goes, “Hello!” And we were like, “Fuck that. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” So we shut it off. It was horrifying seeing this 75-year-old orange person go, “Hello.” It was [bleep] terrifying. So now me and Ryan are both high on ‘shrooms, shirtless under our Snuggies, just shaking, holding each other. And then my mom texts me, okay? My mom sends the worst possible text she could send when someone’s violently high on ‘shrooms. She sends me, “Pete, just want to let you know “I’m so proud of you. “I love everything you’re doing. You make such smart decisions, and Dad would be very proud.” And then I just started crying. I was like, “Aw, man! “My mom’s all proud. “I’m on ‘shrooms. I wasn’t even the Hulk.” Like, it was just this whole fucked-up bad day. And then Ryan goes, “Shut the fuck up.” And you know when you’re crying and your friend don’t care, it makes you cry more? When you’re like, “Uhhh,” and you’re friend’s like, “Uh,” and you’re like, “Uh?” Like… [laughter] “Uh? Please care.” So it made me cry more. I was like, “What do you mean? Like, what–who does that?” And he was like, “Bro, seriously, shut the fuck up. I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I was like, “Well, why can’t you just be my friend? Why can’t you just be there for me?” And he was like, “‘Cause I miss my mom too!” And then he started crying, and then we both held each other and cried under my Snuggie. And then the ‘shroom trip was over, and then Ryan did the funniest thing I’ve ever seen anybody do. He took the Snuggie off, and he dabbed his eyes with it. And then he looked at me, and he went, “Oh! “Yo, Pete, ‘shrooms? Incredible.” [laughter] [applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.
So we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How’s that sound? [laughs] It’s hard to transition into anything. I don’t have–I don’t know if you’ve noticed anything about my comedy, but there’s– there’s not many transitions. It’s very, like, “Dick, [bleep], Dad.” Like, it’s, like, very straightforward, easy-listening comedy. Like, it’s not the Kendrick Lamar– I’m very French Montana of comedy. Like, every show, I feel like I should just be like, “Huh!” And you’ll be like, “Aha! I get it.”
So, yeah, my dad, if you don’t know, he was a fireman. He died 9/11. He was a very good dude. And I have a lot of jokes about it, and if you don’t like the first one, you probably won’t like the rest. What’s cool about your dad dying on 9/11… [someone laughs] Is–besides the free parking, is also– [someone groans] 0 for 1, skirball. [scattered applause] That’s not the only good thing about your dad dying; come on. No, the cool thing about my dad dying and being a fireman was, like, now I get all of his fireman gear. So whenever I smoke weed in New York City, I wear it. You know? Yeah, so now people just think I’m a shitty fireman. But I’ll be so high, I’ll forget. Like, people will come up to me and be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” And I’ll be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” I’ll be like, “Oh, shit, I’m a lieutenant. “I forgot. I’m very sorry. Have a good day, ma’am!”
I didn’t really care when my dad died. It didn’t bother me very much, because I was seven. You don’t understand things when you’re seven, you know? If it happened now, I’d be in a world of trouble, but I’m actually– it’s weird to say this. I’m lucky it happened when I was seven. I know that sounds weird, but it’s the real thing. Like, I remember my dad died, and my mom was like, “Your dad’s dead, but we got you a PlayStation 2.” And I was like, “Yeah, cool.” I was like, “That seems about even. It’s pretty fair.” No, I’m serious. I really didn’t care. I was like, “I’m gonna push my mom down the stairs and get a PS3.” I was [bleep] ridiculous. It’s my new life of murder and toys. What’s weird is, my grandma on my mom’s side, my mom’s mom, she’s–her birthday’s on 9/11, and she never liked my dad. crowd: Oh! – Kind of fishy, isn’t it? [laughter] I always wanted to ask her. I always wanted to be like, “Hey, Grandma, “on the low, did you make any wishes?”
I want to get a tattoo. I want to get my dad’s initials. It’s a very, like, Italian, Staten Island thing to do. I feel like Italian people are almost, like, waiting for someone in their family to die so they can go get a tattoo. I’m serious. You ever been to, like, an Italian funeral or wake and the son of whoever died has, like, the prayer card going down their side? You know, like, how the [bleep] did you do that already? And it’s, like, healed. I, um– I want to get my dad’s initials, you know. I want to get it tattooed on me. I feel like it would be very cool. But I found out recently I can’t. I don’t know why I never noticed it. I guess I just never pay attention, but my dad’s initials are SMD. Yeah. That’s why we named the special “SMD,” but SMD also has other meanings, like, for instance, “suck my dick.” That’s the more popular meaning, believe it or not. So my friends are like, “You can’t get that tattoo, because people will think you’re an asshole.” You know? And I agree. I’m like, “You’re right. I shouldn’t.” But then I thought about it. I was like, “I should.” I was like, “I could only win.” I was like, “If someone has the balls to bring it up to me, oh, I would win, like, so fast.” Like, I will never lose. It’s so dope. Think about that. I’ll have it on my neck. [bleep] having a good time. Girls come up to me, and they’re like, “You’re a [bleep] pig.” All I got to do is be like: [whimpers] “Actually, it’s my dead dad’s initials.” And then they’ll feel so bad, they’ll probably suck my dick.
Hey, guys, you’ve been amazing. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
♪ All day, all day ♪ ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block until we made a way ♪
[cheers and applause continue]
Pete Davidson, guys. All right, yeah.
