So, Louis C.K. tried to get me fired from SNL my first year, and this is that story. So, it’s, like, 2014 or ’15, uh, and it’s the finale of SNL, and I-I was so shocked and happy that I didn’t get fired, and this is a feeling that I get to relive every week. -I get… Just, it– it’s really awesome. I can’t– I still can’t believe it. It’s very funny. Um, so, I was just celebrating, you know? Louis C.K. was hosting, and at the time, Louis C.K. was, like, a very well-respected comedian. Like, at the time. Like, yeah. At the time, he was someone that you would look up to and want approval of, at the time. At the time, it was someone you wanted to be nice to you. Um, anyway, so he was hosting, and I-I was just thrilled, so, uh, I smoked a joint, uh, in my dressing room, and as I was leaving to go into the elevators, um… Louis C.K. was, like, holding court and talking to, like, a bunch of the cast and writers and, like, cool people, and, like, they were, like, clearly very into a conversation, so I was just, like, “I don’t want any part of that.” Like, you know, I’m high. I don’t wanna, like, ruin it for anybody. Or, like, I don’t want that guy to know I exist, you know? So I just put my hoodie on, and I closed it really tight, and I walked all the way around to the other side of the elevators so I could not, you know, be in the way at all, and, uh, so I press the button, and I’m just waitin’ there, and then all of a sudden, Louis C.K. stops his conversation. He looks up and points at me and goes, “Look how fuckin’ high Pete is, that fuckin’ idiot! Just getting fuckin’ high at work, you stupid fuck. You’re gonna smoke your career away, idiot.” – Oh, my God. And I was, like, so high, I was like, “That didn’t happen.” -I was like, “No, no. No. Nah.” This is a me issue, for sure. He probably said, “See you tomorrow, champ.” -You know, I probably…
So I go to work the next day, and I get a phone call from Lorne Michaels’ office. Uh, this was alarming because I’ve been there for a year, and I have yet to hear from his office until today. So I was like, “Oh, shit.” You know? So I answered the phone, and they’re like, “Hey, Louis just left Lorne’s office. He went in there to talk about you, and now Lorne wants to– you– to talk to you now,” and I was like, “Oh, fuck. All right.” You know, ’cause I was like, “Now I’m gettin’ fired.” Like, this is what I thought, so I was just trying to hype myself up. It’s like I was just like, you know, uh, “Fuck them. They’re the ones who look stupid anyway. They hired and fired you. They’re wrong twice.” -You know? Fuckin’… yeah. I was like, “You could creep into the back and wild out, and nobody would fuckin’ notice. -Who gives a shit, right?” Um… So… I was walking, uh, into his office, just trying to feel better and whatever, and I open the door, and Lorne’s sitting there, right? And he, uh, looks really confused, uh, as do I ’cause, you know, that’s just, like, how I look, you know? I look like, you know, you just asked me to, like, divide. – Uh… I don’t know. Um… anyway, so he looks very confused, and he’s like, “Sit down.” So I do, and he goes, “So… uh… um, Louis, uh, came in and told me that, uh, you smoke weed.” Uh, and I was like, “Uh, yes. Uh… the rumors that you have heard ring true.” And then I saw, with his eyes, he kinda looked deflated, like he didn’t know what to say, you know? ‘Cause with his eyes, he’s like, “I’m sorry we’re having this conversation, but, like, Louis told on you, and he told me to talk to you, and, personally, I don’t think this is a big deal ’cause people used to do coke here, and I think you’re a pussy, actually. I’m really sorry we’re having this conversation.” You know, and I read that with his eyes, and with my eyes, I said, “No doubt, homie.” So… You know, it was just, like, awkward for another second, and it was quiet, and then he goes, “Yeah, so I guess, uh, you know, what you could do is, I guess, you know, ’cause I– he said you smoke a lot of weed, so maybe you could just, like, watch, uh, the amount of weed that you smoke.” And I was like, “All right, I’ll watch.” I was like, “I’ll never leave it out of my sight.” I was like, “No problem. I’m a man of my word.” And I was like… Uh, he goes, “Yeah.” He goes, “Um, again, I’m sorry to have this conversation with you, but Louis brought it to my attention and said, you know, you’re smokin’, uh, your career away, and you smoked so much weed in the office the other day that it actually made him uncomfortable.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Like, really?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Oh, so, like, am I fired?” And he was like, “No.” And I was like, “Why?” And he was like, “I don’t know.” -Uh… Which, again, is a conversation we have yearly, on a yearly basis. “Is this the year?” “I don’t know. Not yet. I don’t know. We’ll figure– We’ll figure it out. I don’t know.”
And that fucking killed me, you know? Like, I had to leave that office, like, with that. You know, just like, Louis C.K. doesn’t like you, you know? One of the best comedians arguably ever, you know, and especially at the time, like, one of… It just killed me, you know, ’cause, like, why am I even doing stand-up if this guy doesn’t like me, you know? That’s somebody’s approval you want, and I was like, “This guy fucking doesn’t like me ’cause I smoke weed?” That– that sucks, you know? And I had to, like, sit with that for, like, five years, you know? -And then, one glorious morning… …I woke up, and I read: “Louis C.K. jerks off in front of women.” And I went, “Yes!” I’m… You know what I mean. Like, I didn’t want it to happen, but if it was gonna happen to anybody, I’m glad it was him. You know, does that make sense? Okay.
Nah, it’s just… Let me just tell you how crazy it is to jerk off alone, okay? Um… Yeah, just, you know, be in the room with me, you know? -Is it okay? – Yeah. -Um… So… just, you know, jerking off alone is fuckin’ weird. You ever, like, jerk off, and it– it’s taking a long time, and you can’t even make yourself come, and you’re like, “You’re a fuckin’ loser. Like, you can’t… can’t even do yourself. Oof. What makes you think anybody else would wanna do you?” You know? There’s that old tale, you catch yourself in the mirror? That’s happened to me, actually, ’cause I’m stupid. Not any– never again ’cause now I jerk off in the pitch-black. Yeah, I do. Phone facedown, you know, ’cause you could get a text, and it could reflect off the mirror, and then you can catch yourself in the corner jerking off. Mom text at the top. You ever try to jerk off after getting a mom text? It’s– it’s damn near impossible. I didn’t say “impossible,” but it is damn near, for sure. It is one of the harder things I’ve had to do.
But, no, it just– it bummed me out, like, hearin’ all this shit ’cause, like, I just felt bad for all those women that he jerked off in front of. It’s just really sad, you know, ’cause it really affected them, and, like, if they only knew that, like, you know, when Louis, like, whipped out his dick and started jerkin’ it, if they just, like, lit up a blunt, he would’ve been like, “Oh, fuck, is that weed? Holy shit, you fuckin’ animals. I’m telling. You pieces of shit. Oh, fuck. You’re gonna smoke away your career.”
My friend, uh, that I financially support, uh, had a kid, so, uh, I’m a dad. Yeah, I wasn’t exactly ready for it. Uh… He gave me a call. He was all excited. He was like, “Yo, bro. I got great news.” I was like, “You got a job?” And he was like, “No, bro. I had a kid.” And I was like, “Wow, that’s, like, the exact opposite of a job.” I can’t wait to have a kid. I’m very excited. I don’t think it’s very hard at all. No, ’cause all my friends are havin’ ’em, and their complaints, uh, they don’t, uh, bother me very much. All their complaints are the same. They’re like, “Bro, it cries!” And I’m like, “Oh, man, go in the other room.” Yeah, everything cries. You know? You try to make it stop, and then you leave. I cry all the time. Eventually, my friends are like, “Yo, dude, I gotta go to work. I don’t know. Fuckin’ figure it out. Get offline.” So that, they say it cries, uh, and the other complaint is, they’re like, “Yo, it, like, shits all the time.” And that doesn’t really bother me either, because, like, you know, so do I. You know, so I don’t mind cleaning it up at, like, a smaller scale, you know? Plus, when you clean kids, sometimes you see spots that, like, you might have missed on yourself, you know? Yeah. You know? You’re like, “Wow, I’ve never seen my asshole from this angle before.” You’re like, “I will dab that corner when I hop out the shower.” You hop out the shower, you’re like, -“Son of a bitch.”
I love babysitting… uh, ’cause I microdose mushrooms, so I speak baby. -Uh… Yeah, I love it. They’re talking, you know? Uh, the other day, my, uh, my nephew was like, “Bleh,” and I was like, “Forensic Files. Got it.” So, I was… Mushrooms are great. Mushrooms are like… are kinda like being on a roller coaster when you’re, like, going up, but, like, you just never go down. It’s just the way up, you know, where you’re like, “This is sick! This is awesome! I can’t believe we’re doin’ this! Oh, my God!” for like four hours.
Something weird, uh, happened when I was babysitting, uh, the other day. Uh, my friend, uh, his son i-is still teething, right? And, uh, so, like, we were watchin’ Forensic Files, and I was just sittin’ there, and, uh, h-he’s teething, so he just, like, grabbed my hand and started, like, sucking my fingers, but, like, good. –Like… Like, I definitely left it in there for a second. I was like, “No! Wow, but no!”
I know that joke splits the room. -Uh… I’m aware. It’s not the first time I’ve done this. Uh… I know it’s weird to tell jokes like that, but this is a joke, you know. This is a comedy club. You know, it would be weird if this was, like, a town hall meeting, and I, like, grab the mic, and I was like, “Hey, guys, here are some ideas I have.” “All right, I’ll be in the lot with buttons.”
Um… I think girls should tell guys how to make them come. Uh… Like, the first time you have sex. Before, like, have a debriefing, you know? You know, ’cause apparently every girl is different is, uh, you know, what I’m telling myself. Everyone is different, and I think one of them is just dead inside. -Um… Yeah, I think– I’m like, “No, I think you’re just broken.” -Uh… No, no, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just say giggly things. Um, no, but yeah, girls should tell guys, uh, how to make them come. Not when they’re comfortable, you know. I know you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, but it won’t. Uh, it doesn’t. You know, you could be– we could be mid-, you know, fuck, and you could be like, “I hate this,” and we’ll be like, “Oh, how’s this? Good? Okay, forgotten.” You know? Didn’t even happen. You know? You should just tell the guy, you know? Like, I guess guy stuff is very self-explanatory, right? You just, like, yank it, and shit flies out, right? It’s really easy. Like, my son could do it, and, uh… -Aw. But yeah, apparently, you know, it’s not very hard to make girls come. You know, like, if you’re sweating and out of breath, I’m told you have done it wrong. But, you know, all I know is from, like, porn because I grew up with just, like, a mom and a sister, right? So, like, we never had that talk, you know? I just never had that dinner where I felt comfortable to be like, you know, “Yo, guys. If I wasn’t your son or brother, uh…” You know, so, uh, everything I knew, uh, was from porn, which is, like, a lot of movement and, like, screaming and, uh… You know, sometimes you just take it out and do a couple push-ups, you know, and then go right… Um, sorry. You know, so I-I didn’t really– I didn’t really know, but, like, luckily, uh, one, uh, lady told me. Apparently, there’s just, like… there’s this little… uh, this little thing in the vagina. It’s, like, a little circle thing. I-It kinda… You know boxing? It kinda looks like the thing that’s like this. The, like, speed bag thing. The thing that guys go slow or quite fast on. And apparently, the vagina is, uh, quite the same. You know? You know, you just kinda just tap that little thing very, very lightly… uh, or– or floor it, uh, apparently. Those are the two options. Yeah. Don’t even have to change your outfit.
Uh… But, yeah, you should just tell the guy, you know? Like I said, guy stuff is very self-explanatory, but if someone ever pulled my pants down and just started, like, punching my dick, I wouldn’t be like, “Aw, fuck! I hope she figures it out. -Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! This is war.” I would be like, “Who sent you? What is this? Is this… Is this an assassination attempt?” Like, here’s something, uh, that no guy likes, but we’re, like, afraid, uh, to tell, uh, the girl, you know, because, uh, we’re, like, so close to… b-banging… There’s not many words, uh, t-to say what that is, so “banging” is, you know, the most appropriate… for… And this is gonna be on Nickelodeon. -Yeah. You know. Yeah, that’s why I wore a suit, you know. ‘Cause usually, I don’t. I always just usually dress like I’m ready to be slimed. -Uh, but… But I found a nice lady suit at the Banana Republic, and I’m fucking crushing it right now. I look like a divorced wife who just, like, got it together. “Don’t come back. I have a repertoire now.”
Um… But, yeah, here’s something that– that no– no guy likes, uh, at all. Uh, you know when, like, a girl’s on top, right? Before they, like, shove the dick in them? Again, I know that’s not the best way to say it, but believe it or not, I’ve tried five other ways, and “shove the dick in them” won by, like, a landslide. -I-It… So just imagine how horrible the other four were, right? -Suddenly it’s better. Um… So, yeah, you know when they’re on top, and they’re about to slam it up there? -Uh… See? Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I was sayin’. So you know when you’re on top, and you’re about to shove the dick in ya? Uh… Some– Some girls, most, uh, usually they just start sliding, uh, o-on top of the dicks before they put it up there. They’re just like, “Yeah. Yeah, do you like this?” No, we don’t. Fuckin’ hurts, a lot. Stop doing that, every girl ever, please. Please. Just put it in there. Please. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurts, you know, ’cause you shave or you don’t, either way, you’re all prickly down there, right? And then you just start, like, rubbing that against our bare little dicks. That shit hurts. You’re like, “Ooh, you like that?” We’re like, “No. Have you ever gotten an Indian burn? ‘Cause that’s what it feels like. Feels like you’re my mom’s weird friend that would do that -when she wasn’t around.” Yeah, everybody remembers that weird friend, right? Everybody’d go upstairs, and he’d be like, “Hey, kid. You ever get an Indian burn?” And you’d be like, “No,” and at first, you’d be like, “Cool!” And then you’re like, “Hey, stop, mister!” Yeah. No– no– no guy likes that, okay? It feels very bad. Feels like sandpaper. I guess girls can’t tell, because, like, the enjoyment and the pain face are pretty much the same during fucking. They’re both like, “Ah.” You know, so, like, I guess… But it– it– it really hurts, a lot. You know, and then… and then all of a sudden, uh, your dick gets, like, all chapped and, like, ripped apart, and– and then the next day, you wake up and you’re like, “What the fuck is this?” You’re like, “What– what is this? Did I get some new STD that a-arrives within 24 hours? This is crazy.” And then I go to the doctor, and I’m like, “Hey, man, what is this?” And he’s like, “You need to learn how to fuck,” and I’m like, “What? What is this?” Doctors in Staten Island are– are a lot different. I don’t know.
I, um… I have a– I have a lot of gay friends. Uh… I like, um, my gay friends ’cause I don’t think there’s, like, a more honest relationship between, like, a gay dude and a straight dude, ’cause there’s just, like, nothing to gain, you know? So it’s just pure honesty, and– and gay dudes are the most honest people in the world, -also mean, but… Just honest, we could say, but it’s really mean. -Um, like, I’ll give you an example. Like, I left my mom’s house the– Well, it’s my house too. Uh, fuck you. I don’t gotta explain myself, okay? I’m very, uh, comfortable with my situation. No, yeah. I love livin’ with my mom, uh, you know? ‘Cause, uh, I have my– I live in the basement. – It’s an apartment… um… …and then there’s a– well, there’s the u-upper floor, which we call the common area… ’cause we’re roommates. I got– I got my own entrance downstairs, says: “Pete’s… Entrance.” -It does. Yeah, it does. Yeah. It’s fuckin’ cool. Endless amount of Gushers. Uh-uh, you’re laughing, but only the– only the cool cats are allowed down there. I gotta tell ya. Mom has to knock. -Yeah, there’s no… She doesn’t barge in there, ever. Always knock.
Anyway, yeah. Also, every girl I date has, like, a whole batch of gay friends, right? But there’s always one gay friend that I don’t think is fuckin’ gay at all. Yeah. Girls laugh. Every guy’s like, “Yeah, Kyle. Fuck that guy. Fuckin’ hate that guy. Can’t say anything, but I want to.” If you’re confused, it’s the guy that, like… uh, y-your boyfriend will come up to you and be like, “Hey, what’s up with, uh… What’s up with Kyle? You know, that guy, you know, always hanging around.” Your girlfriend’ll have the same response always, “Who, him? Kyle?” And you’re like, “Yeah, what’s up? What’s up with that boy? You know, what’s going on?” And then your girlfriend will be like, “Aw, please. He’s gay.” You know? And you’ll be like, “Well, is that, like, confirmed? Is it, like— is it out on the streets? Do the streets know that he’s gay?” Uh, and then your girl will say the same thing, “No, but, like, everybody knows.” And you’re like, “Mm, not this fuckin’ guy, okay? I don’t know that. Nope. I’m onto you, Kyle. Okay?” The sleepovers, you know? If you hate pussy so much, why are you cuddling it? Very weird. You know? You’ll never find me, like, cuddling a package of parking tickets or something like that, you know? Different things, yes, but good enough for me. You know, I-I-I don’t get it.
You know, uh, there’s this– this certain type of gay dude, uh, I call them the fondlers… uh… because there’s– right now, there’s no rule for gay dudes. They can pretty much do whatever they want. Uh, it’s pretty fuckin’ crazy. Uh… You know, and a-all power to you, but, like, there’s a lot of power. -Uh… There is! You know, gay dudes, like, there’s the fondlers, right? It’s that gay dude that’ll, like, run up on your girlfriend and, like, squeeze her boobs and, like, slap her ass and be like, “Damn, girl, you look great!” I don’t find that fuckin’ funny, like, at all. I’m sorry. Like, I’m all for the gayness, you know. It doesn’t mean I’m against gayness. It’s just, like, you know how hard I work to fucking slap titties and… You know? You know how many fuckin’ birthdays I’ve missed? You know, friends I’ve lost? Christmases spent in Ohio… …and you just get to slap ass on a technicality? That’s not fuckin’ fair at all. Yeah, right in front of you. Walk up, slap the ass, giggle. You know, just ’cause he could, you know? I would never do that just ’cause I could, you know? I wouldn’t, like, walk up to his boyfriend and, like, tug his dick and be like, “Nice, Gary. Not for me, but cool!” Why? What? I’m straight. What?
You know, there’s certain rules for certain people, and I don’t understand, you know? Uh, it just doesn’t make sense to me, you know? But I-I can’t fight it, ’cause I’ve already played the fight out in my head, and I’m sure many of you guys have, uh, where, like, it just– it never works. I always lose, you know? Uh, I go up to him, a-and he, you know, he, you know, slaps her ass, uh, you know, grabs her boobs, and does a little giggle dance, and then I go, “Hey– hey, Kyle. What the fuck?” And then Kyle decides to come out that day and goes, uh, “Oh, uh, I’m gay.” A-And then it’s over. He won. That’s it. That’s the entire fight. You know, you might as well be like, “Sorry, as you were.” Tap it or floor it, I’ve been told.
It’s just weird ’cause it only works… uh, it only works gay dude, uh, straight girl. It doesn’t work any other way, right? Like, it doesn’t work, like, straight dude, gay girl, right? Like, I can’t walk up to a lesbian and, like, grab her boobs and be like, “It’s okay. We both hate this.”
Um… I get in trouble a lot. Uh, like, well, I got pulled over today on the way here. Uh, and does anybody, when they get pulled over, put on, like, Billy Joel? ‘Cause you think the officer’s gonna come up, “License and reg– Billy Joel! Get the fuck out of here, dude! You’re not a piece of shit. I thought you’d be listenin’ to 2 Chainz or something. All right.” Oh, man. It’s even more awkward when it doesn’t work. Then you’re just sitting there, and he’s like, “License and registra– -Can you turn off Bill Withers?”
But, uh, I get in a– I get in a lot of trouble. I got in trouble last year ’cause I-I was makin’, uh, makin’ some jokes, and, uh, I got in trouble, uh, ’cause I made fun of this gentleman with an eye patch that’s in politics. His name is Dan Crenshaw. Uh… I was– I didn’t think I did anything wrong. It was, like, words that were twisted so that a guy could, you know, do– be famous, but, uh, yeah, I don’t… I-It… This is pretty much what it is. I-I would like… ‘Cause I don’t have, like, Twitter, so I can’t, like, explain myself every time something bad happens. I was like, “I guess I’ll just shoot a special and tell everybody. Yeah, since I’m not allowed on the Internet.” Uh… Yeah. I’m pretty sure if I go on the Internet, I’d, like, go to jail or something. – Um… So, I made fun of this guy, uh, with an eye patch, uh, and then, like, I kinda got forced to apologize ’cause, like, people were, like, threatening to, like, shoot me in the face, and unfortunately, you know, I didn’t pick up that call. -My roommate did, so… …she wasn’t fuckin’ cool with that… and my roommate thought that I should apologize so that I didn’t get shot in the face.
So… I, um… This is what happened. So, like I said, I’m very limited on SNL. I don’t know, uh, i-if you’ve seen it. Probably haven’t, um, uh, but, yeah, it’s very minimal, the amount of stuff I get to do, right? So we were just sittin’ there, and we were like, “What the fuck could you do, dude? Uh… You know, like you’re part of the roast family, right? You do those roasts.” I was like, “Sure. That’s a thing. Roast family. Okay.” Um… They were like, “Yeah, why don’t you just do a roast of, like, politicians and stuff on Update or whatever?” And I was like, “Aw, sick. That’ll buy me another six episodes, right?” You know, I was like, “Fuck, yeah. All right, cool.” You know? So, uh, you know, i-it’s the same rules, uh, as 8 Mile with roasting, right? Y-You make fun of yourself, and then you make fun of everybody else, right? Uh, so I got this big sheet of paper with a bunch of faces, right? And I just started writing jokes, you know? This guy, that lady, this guy, that lady… And then this guy Dan Crenshaw pops up, right? And he has an eye patch, right? So already, I’m like, “This guy has a sense of humor.” Right? It’s, well– ‘Cause he has an eye patch, you know? If you lose your eye, there’s like three other things you could do before you go eye patch, right? I-I’m not being a dick, seriously. Y-You go glass eye, you go glass eye with the glasses over it, and then you go fuckin’ sunglasses, and then you get an eye patch, right? So I was like, “This guy is funny.” I was like, “This guy is self-aware.” I was like, “What a sport.” Right? So… um, I was like, “All right, let’s just write, like, a harmless, you know, joke or whatever, right?” And, uh, I was like, “Okay. This guy looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Very harmless Saturday Night Live joke, right, where you’re like, “Ha-ha-ha. Next stop, please.” Um, that was me in a cab. -Uh, and, the– That’s where it plays. Uh… we’ll cut that. Cut that right out. No problems at all. Cut it right out. Never happened. Right back to fucking. Right back to fucking. Never even happened.
Um… Oh, I always wanted to do this. Congrats on fucking. Uh, thanks for unpausing and continuing to watch. – Sorry. I just… I’ve always wanted that to happen when I was watching a Netflix thing. Hey, man, how was it? Was it cool? Was it everything you hoped for? I hope so. Must have been good to pause it at the Crenshaw shit… …you motherfucker. Uh… We’re havin’ fun. No, sorry. – Okay. I don’t even… Fine. Um… So, you know, I wrote a little joke, like, uh, you know, um… You know, “He looks like a hit man in a porno.” Right? Wrote it. Didn’t even think about it, right? Uh, then all of a sudden, right before I’m about to go on the floor to do the fuckin’ Update, uh, one of my buddies who helped me write it goes, uh, “Hey, man. Uh, I just did some research.” And I was like, “You just did some research now?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” They wait till, like, the last minute over there. Um… And he’s like, “Yeah, that guy, Dan Crenshaw? I think he might have lost his eye in, like, a war or something like that.” I was like, “What?” They were like, “Pete, come to the floor.” I was like, “Fuck!” And he was like, “Dude, you’re gonna be great. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. It’s your face out there, not mine. It’s gonna go great.” So I go out there, and I try to be mindful, which is hard ’cause I’m always on mushrooms or, you know, stuff like that. So, like, being mindful is, like, fuckin’, ugh, top-of-the-list tough. Uh, you know? Not like being mindful, just, like, all-of-a-sudden mindful. Like, “Hey!” And you’re like, “Oh!” Thank you to the 12 people that understood that. Ee! What the fuck, joke? Like I said, they’re just givin’ ’em out to everybody on Netflix. Right here, sir. Yo, you fucked again? That’s awesome, dude. Thank you again for coming back. I appreciate it. Man, that must’ve been good, son. That’s what’s up. That’s what’s up. Seriously, though, during the Crenshaw shit? Come on, man. That’s fucking… I’m enjoying that with you ’cause it’s the first time I also heard it.
Um… So, you know, I-I go on the floor, right? And my buddy told me he might’ve lost his eye in a war, so right now, I’m like, “Aw, fuck. I got to be mindful of that, right?” I got to apologize after the joke I say, right? Get– get ahead of it, right? So I-I slide out, right? And I do. I do apologize. I remember exactly how it went. I remember exactly what I said. I’ll never forget it. -Uh… I said, “Uh, Dan Crenshaw. He looks like a hit man in a porno, right?” Got that fucking mediocre, you know, laugh, right? And then right after, I go, “I’m sorry. I know he might’ve lost his eye in a war or whatever,” and I said “whatever,” and people were like, “You hate America!” I’m like, “No! I just didn’t want to be incorrect about how he lost his fuckin’ eye.” Is that a fucking crime? He could’ve lost his eye in war or whatever. I don’t know how he lost his eye. Could’ve been in Afghanistan, could’ve been making a sandwich. I have no fuckin’ idea. Sorry I don’t have fuckin’ Dan Crenshaw fuckin’ baseball cards with all of his stats and information. My bad. It’s an expression. I was trying to be mindful. You know? General Patton, right? General Patton, one of America’s greatest heroes. He died in Nazi Germany a week after the war in a car accident, right? But when we talk about the great General Patton, we say, “You know, he died in war or whatever,” you know? It’s just easier to say rather than, like, “Well, he won the war, and then made a bad turn, and…”
Yeah. It’s an expression. Doesn’t mean I hate America. Okay? So, the only thing I-I-I-I don’t like is people, like, “It’s your fault that guy won,” and that’s not true. I think, like, most of the votes were in, and that guy is a Republican with an eye patch in Texas. Uh, so it was a lock before it even started. Yeah. I could’ve told you that. They just, in Texas, I’m pretty sure they just only have pictures. That’s how they vote. You know? So I-I did not make that guy win, okay? That is, you know, America’s fault. You know? As is this. Uh… Yeah. You know? I did not– I did not do anything for that guy. The only thing I did do, which I am guilty of, and I apologize for, is I did make that guy famous and a household name for no reason, right? I did what, like, Ariana Grande did for me, right? Yeah. Yes. “I sucked his dick at SNL.”
Uh… I wasn’t gonna do jokes about this, but then my buddy told me, he’s like, “Yo, I’ve recently heard that Ariana said she had no idea who you were, and she just dated you as a distraction.” So now I just think it’s, like, fair game. Uh… So, yeah. Also, don’t applaud. This isn’t, like, a Drake vs. Lil Wayne concert. Like, this isn’t, like, a competition, you know? She has, you know, her songs and stuff, and this is what I have, okay? So… all right. That’s– that’s it, all right? Um, so… And you’re like, “Pete, this isn’t fair.” Like, “You’re airing out dirty laundry. How could you do that? Where did she say this stuff? To her friends in the confidence of her own home?” No, she said it on the cover of Vogue magazine. Can you imagine if I did that? Can you imagine if I did that? My career would be over tomorrow. If I spray-painted myself brown and hopped on the cover of Vogue magazine… -…and just started shitting on my ex. Can you imagine– No, don’t clap. Those are Drake vs. Lil Wayne claps. I don’t like that. I like the giggles. It’s just jokes. Can you imagine if I did that? If I was like, “Yeah, I was just fucking her ’cause I was bored, and then Fortnite came out.” It would be insane. And you’re like, “Pete, something had to happen to her, right? There had to be some repercussions, right?” No. She won Billboard’s Woman of the Year, and I got called “butthole eyes” by barstoolsports.com.
So sometimes, life is a little unfair. Again, these are jokes. I-I don’t want any smoke, okay? From– My biggest fear is I’m gonna get a shot in the back of the head by, like, a nine-year-old with a ponytail. And the last thing I’m gonna hear is, “Hashtag canceled,” and then just pop, right in the back of the head. Again, I don’t want no smoke from the… from the nine-year-olds. Um… No, she’s a really powerful woman, that, uh, that– that, uh, Ariana. She’s a–she’s a very, very powerful woman, you know, a-and very smart. You know, you gotta be to be able to ruin Starbucks for a person. You know? I walked into Starbucks. I was like, “Can I have a medium coffee?” The guy was like… “Fuck you. I’m going to Dunkin’ Donuts. Why are they getting rid of them in the city? I can’t find one.”
A lot of people ask me all the time, you know, like, “What was that like…” Well, it’s like any other breakup, you know, just except everybody sees it. Uh… – Oh! Yeah, it’s just– it’s, uh, like… I-I didn’t know what I was get– I kinda knew what I was getting into, but I didn’t know about the picture thing. If I knew about that, I would’ve seen a dermatologist before I started dating. I would’ve, like, taken proper precaution, but I didn’t really… It’s like any other breakup. You have your boys over. They all lie to you. You know? They’re like, “Dude, no problem, bro. Pfft. Nobody even knows who she is.” -Uh… “Oh, it’s all good, bro. It’s all good. Better off. No problem.” You know? And then that song came out, and my friends were like, “Bro, I love you. I love you, right? Shit is catchy. Shit is very catchy. You’re gonna have a rough eight months. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I actually happen to like the song. I’m sorry. I like you but…” My grandpa said, he goes, “It’s a slap. “Peter, Peter, it’s a slap. Uh, I’m really sorry. Uh… It’s a good song, and I don’t– I don’t even listen to that shit.” And I was like, “I get it!”
Um… But yeah. Uh, this is the only thing I didn’t like that I got out of it, which every– is a common misconception. Uh, I don’t like that she talked all this shit on, like, behalf of my dick. I thought that was, like, super weird. She was like, “Yeah, it didn’t work out, but, like, nice dick.” I thought that was really weird ’cause everybody was like, “Aw, that’s– that’s– what a nice… what a nice, uh, girl.” First of all, let’s take a step back. Can you imagine if I said that shit? Can you imagine if I was like, “Sorry it didn’t work out. Nice pussy, though! That shit wet! Whoo! Good pussy, but sorry.” It’s ridiculous. I had to sit there like, “Ah.” Yeah. This is the only thing. It just– I didn’t like it because it’s just simply not true. Uh, yeah. Yeah. It’s just not– She has little, tiny, little hands. She has… just very little hands. Everything’s fucking huge to her. Yeah. It was a fucking joke the entire time we were together. I was like, “Huge to you, but small to everyone else. This rocks!” You know? So you ask yourself, you’re like, “Why? Then, why, if she knows this information, then why would she tell everybody what a great, big penis you have?” Right? Why would she do that? You know? ‘Cause to the outside, you’re like, “Wow. What a nice lady. Didn’t work out. Gave him a– Gave him a nice word.” You know? -“Told everybody he has a nice penis.” Right? That’s not why. She did that so that– Well, she’s a genius. Remember this. She’s a very smart person, okay? She did that so that every girl that sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed. – Aw! It’s genius! It’s a lifetime L. Hold that. I didn’t even get to enjoy my big dick summer, or whatever the fuck it was called. Please stop doing that. I have a family that reads. Stop. My poor mother.
Anyway, uh, we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How does that sound? Cool. Yeah. Only time I’ll allow cheering for 9/11. My, uh, my– my dad, he– he died on 9/11. And I was told I had to explain that before I do these jokes, ’cause some people don’t know, to which I retorted, uh, that, uh, I don’t think I should say that ’cause it will just stop the show and make things awkward. I won. I was right. When your dad dies, and he works for, like, the state or the government or whatever… I don’t know. He was a fireman. Whatever that is, um… You, uh… Sometimes your family gets, like, a little bit of money. Not a lot of money. A little bit. So… Um, we got a little bit of money, and I remember my mom, you know, to make me and my sister feel better, uh, she wan-wanted to get us a pool with the money, right? Uh, she figured she’d get us a pool, and then, you know, like, people would want to be our friends, and they would come over and swim in it. You know, which is dark. Um… swim in the death pool. Uh… Yeah. Like, it’s a nice idea, but the sentiment, every cannon ball has a weird meaning behind it. Just doing laps every day like, “Is this even? Is this even?” No, uh… No, I remember my mom got us a pool, me and my sister, right? And, uh, kids– I was, like, seven when my dad died, so, like, kids don’t understand that shit. They don’t– They don’t know what’s going on, right? So I remember I got the pool, and kids at school would be like, “Yo. You’re so lucky, man. You’re rich. You have a pool.” You know? And I’d be like, “Yeah. Luckily, I have a pool -that I fill up with tears every summer. ‘Cause that’s how you know you’re rich, when you can swim in your own sadness. Thank God Osama bin Laden didn’t miss his alarm clock. You know why? I wouldn’t have a fucking pool! I’m sorry. Please come over later. I appreciate it.” We’re keeping that, Jason. I don’t care what you say.
Anyway, so I did this, uh, thing about my dad over the summer. I had to, like, shoot this thing. So I had to, like, do, like, research on my dad kinda, and I had to, like, hang out with his friends, right? And I’m from Staten Island, my dad’s from Staten Island, so, you know, his friends are like me. They– they’re trash, right? Yeah. We’re garbage people. Literally. We have– we– we’re known, like, the thing– we’re known for having the world’s biggest garbage dump, uh, that you can see from space. That’s what the cab driver would say as you entered Staten Island. “I don’t know if you knew this, but this place has the biggest dump.” You know? As opposed to like, “Look at the tree!” Um… And you’re like, “Aw, well, what happened to the dump?” You know? “What’d they do?” Ah, well, they built a park over it. Uh, and you’re like, “Oh, that– You mean, they– they got rid of all the garbage?” No. They just fuckin’ built a fucking park over it. So, in ten years, when it starts fallin’ apart, kids are just getting stabbed by fuckin’ ’98 Hondas. Anyway, I’m trying to explain to you Staten Island people. It’s– that’s not a good exam– Oh, it’s kinda like— like, if you had a Marlboro Red, and you, like, threw it in the bathtub, and it, like, came to life. That’s… That’s… …that’s what a Staten Island guy is like, you know?
Um… Anyway, so I had to go meet up with his friends, right? But, uh, all the stories I knew from my dad were from when I was seven, you know, so the stories that they were telling me were, like, way different… than what I had previously heard. Uh… Like, I don’t even know who this guy is. Uh, like, I’ll give you an example. When I was little, my dad’s friends would be like, “Your dad was the man, you know? We used to, like, play basketball and do our homework, you know? He always used to finish his plate. Always used to finish his plate! Finish it!” Why? I figured out… …there’s a reason why finishing your plate at seven was so difficult. It’s ’cause adults are saving us the same size portion as them, and we’re a third of their size. So when we get a third of the way through, we are full, and you yelling, “Eat it!” doesn’t help. It just makes everybody fat. You know what I mean? My mom used to be like, “There’s starving kids in Africa.” That was her go-to line to guilt me into anything. I’d be like, “Yeah, be that may, but if a kid in Africa got a third of the way through this, he’d be like, – ‘I am full.'” I like how half of you are like, “That’s funny,” and the other half are like, “I don’t know if you can do that, dude.” I guess we’ll check Twitter: the decider of all. Twitter’s the new pearly gates. They decide all people’s futures.
Um, anyway, so I had to meet with my dad, uh, his friends, and I was like, “Tell me some stories about my dad,” and he was like, “Oh, we used to do coke all the time!” – And I was like, “What?” And he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to tell you?” And I was like, “No, it’s cool. It’s just, I wasn’t expecting that. You know, growing up, I heard, like, you know, he always played basketball and did his homework and, like, finished his plate, you know? I guess the third one still applies kinda, but… yeah. -Um… I just wasn’t–” And he’s like, “I’m sorry. Should I like protect you? Am I, like, telling you too much stuff?” I was like, “No, it’s just, like I said, I grew up thinking, like, you know, I always knew my dad was a hero, but, like, I didn’t know he was a fuckin’ superhero. I didn’t know he was the coolest guy ever.” What a man of the ’90s, just doing blow and putting out fires. What a legend. Never been prouder. God, did that make me smile. How awesome is that? Can you picture that? Your house is on fire. A fire truck pulls up. One guy gets out, and he’s like, “All right. I’m gonna get the hydrant.” Another guy gets out. He’s like, “I’m gonna secure the area,” and then my dad gets out, like, “Let’s fuckin’ go! Whoo! No helmet!”
Thank you, guys. Have a good night. I appreciate it. Thanks for comin’. Thank you.
♪ Never need a bitch I’m what a bitch need ♪
♪ Tryna find the one that can fix me ♪
♪ I’ve been dodging death In the six-speed ♪
♪ Amphetamine Got my stummy feeling sickly ♪
♪ Yeah, I want it all now ♪
♪ I’ve been running through the pussy Need a dog pound ♪
♪ Hundred models getting faded In the compound ♪
♪ Tryin’ to love me But they never get a pulse down ♪
♪ Why? ♪
♪ ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪
♪ And I’m back to my ways ‘Cause I’m heartless ♪
♪ All this money And this fame got me heartless ♪
♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪
♪ Said I’m heartless ♪
♪ Tryna be a better man But I’m heartless ♪
♪ Never be a wedding plan For the heartless ♪
♪ Lowlife for life ’cause I’m heartless ♪
I’ll tell you, the show’s over, but this is a story I would like to tell people. Uh, yeah. This is a story I wanna tell people. So, this is, um, the only other story I’ve heard about my dad, okay? Um, so… …I hang out with this dude, uh, and I was like, “Tell me stories about my dad.” He told me he did coke, and I was like, “Do you have any other stories?” He’s like, “I got one more.” I was like, “Okay. All right.” He goes, “So, one time…” He goes– This is how he talks. I don’t want you to think, like, I created this guy. That would be embarrassing. Uh, but this is how the guy talks. He’s like, “So, one time, me and your dad went to the Poconos for a wedding,” right? Now, Poconos is like white-trash Bahamas. -It’s, like… …it’s like where you go to try and, like, fix your marriage and, like, fuck in a heart-shaped tub, and you put a quarter in the bed, and it, like, shakes. And you’re like, “It shakes like our life!” So… he’s like, “We’re out there in the Poconos, right? So, we’re at– we’re at a wedding, right? Uh, so I’m at the wedding, and, you know, we’re having a good time. We’re fuckin’ dancing. Getting real fucked up, right? We’re getting fucked up.” I was like, “Cool, dude.” From ’87. “Getting fucked up.” Still proud of it. Uh… Uh, and he goes, uh, “So, you know, me and your dad, we’re at this wedding. We’re sharing a room, right? We’re sharing a room up in the Poconos, so I’m with this girl, and I’m tryin’ to go fuck her, right? Right?” Like, he always said “right,” like I was gonna be, like, “No. That is not… that is not how the story happened.” I’ve never heard this before. Yes. He’s like, “So I’m tryin’ to fuck her, right? So I look for your dad. I look all over the wedding. I’m like, ‘Where are you, Scott?'” That’s what he said. “I was like, ‘Where are you? I don’t see you.'” -Uh… He acted it out for me. Uh… And he was like, “So I just thought, you know, maybe he was fuckin’ someone, right? So I go back to the hotel room, right? Your father, nowhere to be found, right? So I’m with this girl, right? And we just start fucking banging, right? And it’s fucking sick, right? I’m fuckin’ doing her every which way, you know? I had her up here. She’s coming over there, and then we went in the bathroom.” I was like, “Yo. When does my dad come in? ‘Cause this just sounds like an oddly specific fuck story that you remember from ’87.” He goes, “Hold on. He’s coming. I just want you to know I’m not a pussy.” And I was like, “I know you’re not a pussy.” Uh, he goes, “So, we’re– we’re fuckin’, right?” Uh, and he goes, “You know, she comes. I come, you know. Her first, obviously, you know? Uh… and then we’re done, right? And we’re just, like, layin’ in it, and, uh… …all of a sudden, I see across the room, I see a cigarette cherry glowing in the dark. I turn on the lights. It’s your dad! And I go, ‘Scott! I’ve been looking for you.’ And he goes, ‘Hey, guys. Thanks for the free show.'” And he goes, “Now, that’s your dad.” And I was… And he’s like, “Isn’t that a great story?” I was like, “No! You’re not telling people that, are you? It’s a horrible story. Is this girl alive? I have to, like, find her and, like, pay her off now. What the fuck is this information?”
Anyway, thank you guys for comin’ out. Have a good night. Thanks.
♪ I fuck up and lose control ♪
♪ Burned so many bridges Got nowhere to go ♪
♪ Bitches got these motives Like Anna Nicole ♪
♪ I’m smokin’ cigarettes alone Until it burn a hole ♪
♪ In my lungs, in my soul In my denim coat ♪
♪ Same place I’mma keep that knife If I’mma slit my throat ♪
♪ This shit ugly I was just with Nipsey, now he ghost ♪
♪ They even got my homie Pete out here Like, fuck the jokes ♪