Aired on October 18th 2019
New rule: to the woman who got vomit in her hair on a spirit airlines flight and had to wash her hair in an airplane bathroom. What’d you expect? You’re flying spirit from Chicago to Baltimore, you’re lucky you’re alive. I’m just saying, when you book a flight that costs 89 dollars, you’re subconsciously accepting the fact that you may get a little vomit in your hair. You just happened to get a lot.
New rule: if Kim Jong-un wants to be taken seriously on the world stage, he’s got to delegate the job of corn inspector to someone else. Here he is, inspecting the corn. Here he is, pleased with the quality. Here he is realizing they keep after year. The same corn year yes, Kim, that’s the bad news. That’s all the corn in North Korea. The good news is: because of all these photo ops with corn, you’ve moved up to third in the Iowa caucus.
New rule: dispensaries need to stop acting like the highs from different marijuana are so radically different. This one’s good for the beach. This one’s good for going to space. They don’t do that at the liquor store. “Hi, what sort of drunk are you looking for today? I recommend this one for calling old girl friends and the Chianti is nice for sobbing about your father. Of course, if you’re looking to call your mother-in-law a whore, I’d stick with a brown liquor. Same goes for if you’re looking to let the gay guy in your building blow you. And for anything like falling asleep on the kitchen floor, or putting a pizza in the oven and forgetting about it, you gotta try our malt liquor. Now, if this is a really special night, and you’re thinking of walking up to the taco bell drive-through window, I would recommend a sweet wine. And vodka’s always great for getting a tattoo of a rocket that looks like a dick. Numeral: now that we have Doritos with new flavors, how about ones with a more refined culinary pallets? Doritos light and unprepossessing. Let’s just call it what it is, Doritos Caucasian.
New rule: the people who were shocked to see this Australian man jogging a popular trail in a pink thong and work boots, must give theuy cdit. That’s what we call an old school creep. He could easily be at home, on the computer, masturbating on chat-roulette, or sending dick pics, but he chose to put on his boots, go outside, and make people uncomfortable the old-fashioned way.
And finally, new rule. It’s time somebody called out Donald Trump for something he’s doing that I don’t think anyone has caught on to yet: he’s a big LIAR! Hear me out! When he announced he was running, he said:
Trump: I don’t need anybody’s money. I’m using my own money. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich.
Bill: but he’s not really rich, and he’s used plenty of other people’s money – 90% of his 2016 campaign was funded by other people’s money. His whole reason for being there is a lie, this notion of “I can’t be bought, because I have so much money, I don’t care about money anymore!” No – the exact opposite is true: the man is constantly for sale. That wasn’t toilet paper on his shoe, it’s a price tag. He grubs for every penny. He wasn’t above cheating his charity — Trump University was a pyramid scheme. He just put a G7 meeting in one of his golf clubs. There’s not a dollar he’s ever left on the table since he took office. He’s worried about Ukrainian corruption? The only time corruption bothers Donald Trump is when he’s not in on it. If your country pays in cash:
Trump: Saudi Arabia pays cash.
Bill: you can literally get away with murder.
Even I have a little money history with this guy. Remember, Mr. President, 2013, when you sued me? Because I publicly offered you five million dollars if you could prove you weren’t the son of an orangutan. It was a joke, but when you heard five million dollars, like a bum who chases a dollar on the sidewalk tied to a string, you could not resist chasing it into court. Well you lost that one, but tonight, I want to give you another chance to get some money out of me. You and I have been going back and forth on whether you will leave office if you lose the election.
Trump: I mean, you have one guy on television “I’m telling you, he’s not leaving. He’s going to win and then he’s not leaving. So in 2024 he won’t leave. I’m telling you this is a serious person.
Thank you. Serious person, the serious person I will bet you a million dollars right now that if you lose the 2020 election, I’m right and you won’t leave. Oh, what am I saying? This is Donald Trump we’re talking about — like he’d ever pony up even if he lost a bet. That would involve two things he’s never done: admit defeat and pay a bill. Okay so forget the bet. I got a better idea. How about this: just take my check for one million dollars. My check for a million, and I bet I could get another thousand people just from here to the beach — included Malibu, of course — who would pay that much to see you resign. And to those out there who are saying, “my god, Bill, are you suggesting we pay this man to go away?” Yes, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. In fact, I’m insisting. Celebrities do nothing but waste their money on stupid crazy shit like castles and jewel-encrusted crucifixes and shark tanks and private islands, here’s something they could spend on and know it was doing some good. Let’s speak to Donald Trump in the only language he’s ever really understood:
Trump: My whole life has been money. I want money. Greedy. I was greedy, greedy. I want more money, more money.
Bill: it’s not like he was hiding it. It goes back to his childhood. From the moment his father created his first teenage shell company. Money. Money. Money makes Donnie a winner. Daddy loves good boy who gets money. So Mr. President, it’s really very simple: you love money, we hate you. Take the money. Take our money. You could finally be the billionaire you always pretended you were. Yes, I said bill-ionaire, cuz the kind of money I could get from, just off the top of my head Oprah, Cher, Madonna, Gaga, Bono, Jay-z, Beyoncé, Pink, Rihanna, Usher, Pharrell, Eminem — and that’s just the ones with one name. Singers, actors, athletes, everyone fucking hates you. Here’s a list of every single person in show business, with the names of those who do not hate you crossed out.
Finally, let’s not forget the millions and millions of not-so-rich and famous people who despise you, too. Americans of modest means who would happily chip in five, ten, 20 bucks. Or pawn their wedding rings, whatever it took. And that’s why tonight I am formally announcing the formation of my national crowdfunding platform to bribe president Trump to leave — I mean, sir, win — and we call it “Prickstarter.”
Okay, that’s our show.