In his editorial New Rule, Bill Maher encourages President Trump to become an eco-warrior and take up the fight against climate change.

Aired on Aug 24, 2019

And finally, new rule: if Donald Trump is looking for a legacy, don’t buy Greenland, save Greenland. That should be your legacy Mr. President. And I’ll tell you something else, if you get religion on global warming and become the greatest echo warrior we’ve ever had in politics, I’ll vote for you. I tweeted that last week. I guess some people thought I was kidding I’m not I don’t know if you are following the news about the environment but it is definitely at the last chance, whatever it takes moment.

And I know the president is hearing me because last week he tweeted this saying he saw the show by accident. He said the same thing a couple of years ago how do you watch an HBO show for an hour by accident? When it was over did you say “hey that wasn’t Ballers. Boy, that Bill Maher looks just like The Rock.”

But look I’m glad we’re talking sir at one of your recent rallies you called me a serious person and I appreciate that you also called me third-rate and a so-called comedian and then a respective comedian. I guess I’m complicated. You also said I was wacky—which isn’t really that big an insult for a comedian—side-splitting comedian Bill Maher. But look, I’m not here to fight, I’m here to offer my vote. And so Mr. President, your excellency, least racist person in the world, let me address you directly and try to win you over with logic. Because I know flattery simply will not work, you’re impervious to, it bounces off you like bullets from Superman’s chest, so I I’m not even gonna try that, not on a man as great as you. I’m not that wacky. I’d look foolish trying and you would see through it right away because you’re a stable genius. And did I mention handsome? When I see you and Melania together I always think “which one was the model?”

But sir picture this headline: Trump saves earth. Feels right doesn’t? And all that would take is for you to undergo a sudden profound change like the Grinch when he saved Christmas how befitting a man of such power of such great intellect and large completely unlike penis. Someone who has the most beautiful words and a slavish devotion to the truth. I bet if you do this the people will put your face on the hundred dollar bill, combining your two great loves: money and you. And then I think they will put you on Mount Rushmore. That’d be a switch huh, someone chiseling YOU!

No I was kidding I’m sorry please Mr. President before you change the channel and go back to your chess game look I know I know we’ve tangled in the past [Applause] you you sued me once and and we both have said some things and you called me stupid not considered smart a dummy, not a smart guy, the dumbest man on television fired like a dog very sad pathetic bloated and gone, dumbass, a rather dumb guy, a lowlife dummy don’t be, dumb as a rock moron stupid guy a very dumb guy, failing comedian and—most hurtful of all—rosie is smart and I called you a whiny little bitch but I’m just going to admit it right now: I was jealous. I was always have been I mean who’s kidding who we both know you have the best brain and everything you take on is an incredible success you won the trade war you built the wall you effortlessly solved the Middle East and Stormy Daniels is still basking in the afterglow of your incredible lovely. Women want to be with you and men want to be like you, I know. I do, in fact, as a tribute to you, I’ve taken to wearing, I’ll show you toilet paper on my shoe.

And I’m sure many would follow if you embrace the environment. Think about the a-listers who overnight would become your biggest fans Brad, Matt, Clooney… the White House would be like Ocean’s Eleven. Taylor Swift will be begging to follow you on Twitter. DiCaprio will love you. Giselle will love you. Ivanka will get invited to parties again. You’ll be a big hero in her eyes and we know you love her in a completely appropriate way. Look sir, you’re already the greatest president ever, that’s a fact because people are saying it. So I can see why you might be thinking why do I need to Gilda Lily I’ve already saved mankind from extinction once, after Obama, do I have to do it twice? Yes sir, I’m afraid you do. Please sir, lend your giant brain to work with the other lesser brains in the scientific community. And if you save the planet billions of children will be grateful and one of them could be your next wife. So please, remember my pledge: become a pitbull for planet Earth and you won’t need Russia to hack my polling place, I will vote for you. I will take my paper ballot and put my prick next to your face.

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