Kevin Hart acts out fantasy scenarios of drawing guns on intruders in his home.
From his special, Irresponsible, which was released on April 2, 2019 as a Netflix Original.

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed. Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret compartments all over my house.

Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened.

Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment.

Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling]

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