HBO Comedy Half-Hour
Episode aired 21 July 1994

They always make Jesus look like an old Hells Angel on heroin with dusty drawers on. Jesus was a black man. You don’t believe me? Read your Bible. It’ll tell you he had skin of bronze. That ain’t a black man, … my ass. Hair like sheep’s wool. If that ain’t a afro, my name ain’t Eddie motherfucking Griffin. Strong brother. Left the house when he was 13. That’s a bad motherfucker. It wasn’t that soft guy they had in the movies, marching around with that fucked-up music playing.

♪♪ Ohh oh oh ohh ♪♪
♪♪ Ohh oh oh ohh ♪♪

I’m like, “is this the son of God, or are you getting ready to pick cotton?”

Nam sayin’? Jesus left the house when he was 13. That’s a bad motherfucker. Went to his parents, “Look, I got to go.”
They are like, “No baby.”
“No, I got to go. I got people to save and water to walk on. See you!”

Nam sayin’? He wasn’t walking around in no dusty drawers! Jesus was knocking motherfuckers out. Trust me when I tell you. You walk into a new town and tell somebody, “I’m God’s son.” What’s the first thing coming on your mind:
“Nigger, you tripping. Get out of my face with that bullshit. I’m trying to sell these mushrooms here.”
‘Cause drugs ain’t that new. Jesus steps to him:
“Look, imma give you one more chance. Stop what you doing because you’re about to ruin the style and the image that I’m used to.”
Nam sayin’? Brother like, “yeah, right.”
Jesus clocks him. “Byeah!”
“Yes, lord! I see the light! A whole lot of them!”

Jesus was so cold, he was at the last supper, godfather style. Strong brother don’t get loud. 12 motherfuckers eating his food– his homeys. Back then, they called them apostles. Homeys, partners, his niggers, his road dogs, eating up his shit. Jesus sitting there scoping them out:

“I know one of you motherfuckers snitched on me… But I’m gonna let you slide… because it’s in my father’s plan. If it wasn’t, I’d be whopping your monkey ass.”

Jesus was so cold, he was on the cross, still talking shit: “I’ll be back in a couple days. These little nails don’t mean shit.”

They opened the tomb, Jesus was gone. John seen him walking down the street: “Jesus, that you?”
“It ain’t Peter, motherfucker.”
Nam sayin’? And that’s power, man, to be able to wake somebody from the dead. That’s power.

Somebody break in Jesus’ mama house. Jesus be like, “go on upstairs, baby girl. No, no. You going upstairs, I got this”.
“Come on out  behind that couch, nigga. Come on out from behind that couch. You can’t hide from me. This is Jesus. What the hell your problem, fool? You don’t break in mama house. That’s the virgin! There’s something wrong with you, boy. You got a problem. You got a problem.”

“Yeah, I got a problem. Heh heh heh. I got a problem like a motherfucker, man. See, I ain’t got a lot of things. So sometimes I have to take them. I heard about you. You’re that brother they call Jesus. Be doing miracles and shit. Why don’t yo hook a nigger up with a miracle?”

“I’m going to hook your little ass up. First, I’ll teach you a lesson. Bam! Bam! Now, get on up.”

If I had that power, I’d be killing motherfuckers all day long. “Don’t fuck with me no more! The line said 10 items or less!”

Moses was another strong brother. I’m sorry. It wasn’t Charlton Heston. I’m sorry. We know Egypt is in Africa. I’m sorry! Moses had a big old nappy ‘fro and a nappy beard. Cold brother. Walked into the pharaoh by hisself. At the time, the pharaoh was the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Walked in with just a stick. It wasn’t that begging shit they had Charlton Heston doing it. “Would you please let ’em go?” This was a nigger. He walked in, “look here, motherfucker. “I hate to he to put this stick on your ass. Stick a bad motherfucker. I got frogs, mosquitoes in here. I’ll whoop your ass!”

You know the pharaoh must have been sitting down cracking up. “This nigger done lost his mind. “Nigger, you been wandering around that desert too long. Your brain fried. I ain’t letting these slaves go. Who going to build my pyramid, fool? You ain’t the only one with a stick. That nigger over there got a stick. He got a stick. Old nigger, we’ll stick you like a king. Since you my half brother, I’ll let your ass slide because I know you’re deranged.”

Moses wasn’t no fool. He seen all them guards. Moses like, “I’ll give you till tomorrow.” Next day, pharaoh sitting around, “shit, ah… Hey, where Moses at? “You get Moses up in here! “Hey, what up, Moses? “We going to let the slaves go hey, can you take these mosquitoes back?” And then Moses– “no. The stick put out. Don’t take back.” N0 “just get the fuck off! Hey, baby, you got any calamine lotion?” So Moses takes the slaves out to the red sea. Pharaoh changes his mind. You know why, because his wife was on his case. “You ain’t nothing but old soft-ass nigger. “Going to let them slaves go. “Nigger, who going to crush my grapes, make my wine? That wasn’t nothing but one nigger with a stick. Y’all had sticks! You needed to be wearing that little skirt you got on!”

Pharaoh got to play like he still the man. “Baby, I’m setting them up. Get them all at the same place, and then I got them. You got any calamine lotion?”

So the pharaoh gets out to the red sea, sticks the staff in the water. Shit don’t part immediately like it did in the movie. That nigger got nervous for a minute. [Chanting] “Hey! Hey, god! “Hey, help a nigger out! Got all the people here.” [Chanting]

There’s one motherfucker standing off to […]? “Now what are we going to do, Moses? Done marched me out here. Nigger, I can’t swim.”

“Now, either this water part, or I’m parting your ass.”

When the water finally opened up, Moses wasn’t the first one through. He didn’t know how long that shit was going to stand up. Moses like, “go ahead, my people. Go ahead.” “Shit, it’s cool.”

There was a couple motherfuckers at, “shit, might as well get catfish while we in here.” Nam sayin’?

The dumbest motherfucker in the Bible to me had to be Lot’s wife, of Sodom and Gomorrah. This is the dumbest bitch ever. She make La Toya look like a genius. Nam sayin’? They lived in a town called Sodom. You know what Sodom is– ass fucking. A town full of ass fuckers. God up in heaven, “I’m tired of smelling the shit. “I’m burning this motherfucker up. There’s a lot of shit-packing going on.”

He came down to lot and his wife, and this was in the days when God talked to you in stereo. It ain’t like today when you be praying and you hear something, “no, that’s my head fucking with me.” This is when it came in stereo! He said, “lot, I’m going to burn all this shit, “but you been on your knees regular. “You and your wife ain’t doing the freaky-freaky. “So I’m going to let you know, get the fuck out of town. “Take your wife. Just get on out and don’t look back.” Said it again! “Don’t look back!” Lot like, “cool. Shit. All right. Much love!” “Baby, come on. “Fuck that dress. Fuck them refrigerators.n “just get your shit. Come on. Let’s go! Don’t look back. I like the pussy. Come on.” They walking down. Lot’s stupid-ass wife– they get 5 miles outside of town, this bitch going to doubt God’s word. Bout.” “Baby, I like the pussy. Don’t turn around.” “I want to see nigga.” Lot didn’t even flinch. He’s like… “Kind of salty. Sure going to miss that pussy.”

Then there was Adam and Eve. Mmm! You know, Adam must have been real fucked up, man, before god made Eve, because there’s no pussy. He walking around the garden butt naked, jacking off, naming shit. Madder than a motherfucker! “This shit ain’t right!” “Tree!” “Giraffe!” “Birds! “I’ll name y’al. Individually later. I’m tired.” Look at the professional jack-offs that know that thumb action. “Water come out this thing, but it won’t go down. Kind of tingle right there.”

You know, god must have been up in heaven tripping. “Damn. What the hell did I forget? “I got the trees, the air, the water. “This nigger keep holding his dick. “Something missing! “Goddamn, nigger! What the hell did you forget? “Aw, damn! Oh, no! All right. All right. All right.” “Hey, Adam!”0 “Yeah?” “Got something for you.” “Is it going to make this go down?” “Oh, it’ll handle it. It’ll handle it. Going to cost you a rib.” “A rib?” “Go on and do what you got to do. Do what you got to do!” [Grunting] “shit. You didn’t say it was going to hurt.” “Now, roll over and see what you got.” “She’s got lumps on her chest.” “I’m going to call you Eve “yeah. “Oohh!t ahh!” [Sniffiog] “we ain’t going to do that yet. That smells like that thing I call fish.” “Hey, she got hair, but she ain’t got no thing.” “Oh, you like that? “Ahh! “Ughh! Ughh!” “It ain’t that bad.” “Yours go in, and mine’s come out. “Open your legs. Leave them open!” “Come here. Bend over.” “Ah-ha! Hi-yah!”  “Let me go!” And that’s how fucking was born.

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