From “Dead Beat Hero” (2004)

Immigration. There’s too many people in this fucking country. But I think if you’re gonna focus on keeping people out, you gotta focus on the people who don’t contribute to society. That’s an old brainer but… And there’s a specific group of over four million people that come into this country every year and don’t contribute a fucking thing. And everyone knows who I’m talking about. But no one wants to say it cause it’s politically incorrect, but fuck that. You know who I’m talking about… Officer Bob? You know who I’m talking about? Who am I talking…? Babies! That’s who I’m talking about. Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country, they don’t speak the language, they don’t wanna work. They just take, and they take… And they cause a roc[??], and they waste all of our natural resources. I say put the border patrol agent at the foot of your uterus. Anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole. “What’s your name? You’re not on the list. Get back behind the velvet rope.” “The club is overfull. We’ll call you when we need you.”

Sick of other people. “Oh Doug, don’t you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD? “Yes, cause you won’t stop having them, so I’m gonna keep saying it. Almost every problem in the world boils down to too many fucking people. And I’m not just talking out of my… I had my vasectomy, I have no children. Anyone else had a vasectomy? Who did? Did you? Get him a drink. That’s a true American hero right there. Don’t name the fucking memorial highway after him. After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space… There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks. He’s the guy who didn’t have someone parking there. Every time you’re fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the… Brainers. “Hey, no traffic at all the day…”. Thank you. How long before you blew it on after you had it? Do you remember? Two weeks? I waited 8 days. Cause they tell you “Wait 72 hours”. I developed what they call granuloma.

If don’t know how they do a vasectomy… What they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrot sack, and then they go in with a tweezer thing, and they remove your courage, and your confidence, and your social skills, and your sense of humor, and your need for any personal hygiene… And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing. So I had that done out of respect for the world. And then I get granuloma that is when you continue to leak semen in you bag sack, and then your bag sack start swelling out bigger and bigger every day– did you get that? No? I have pictures of it on my website cause people thought I was exaggerating. It was like… I called it the “Hindenburg”. It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs. It was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka.

And they’re telling me “Wait 72 hours”. And I go “What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?” Six days?? I waited 8 days and… And I didn’t even wanted jerk off then, but you go 8 days without… I’ve never gone 8 days in my natural low blowing life without emptying it all… But weird shit happens in your head after that about the time. I’m getting deviant thoughts watching TV commercials that don’t even have people in them! I had to do something. I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers squinting like a little girl in a horror movie. “I don’t wanna see what’s coming out of there… Blood, or stitches, or chili…” I didn’t think I needed a vasectomy. I was like some convenient frame of my mind. Cause I’ve dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies… I think with all the shit I’ve done to my body I was surprised I had sperm that was still white. Much less potent.

So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago. It was the first abortion… The only abortion, I’ve had… But it was might have been the longest abortion of all time. It took a month to have.

Has anyone had an abortion? You’re all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that “Oh, it’s a living thing, what are we doing?” Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say “stop playing god.”

It’s horrible. We panicked and then do any research… Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out. It’s not like in 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right? You feed her a tapeworm, and hope it takes a left at the Y. I mean you have medical options. I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example to living babies on, that were already on board, and thinking about screaming through the all flight. Little scared straight program to the infance but… Can’t do that. But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy. Yes, it sounds like, “Oh, it’s an abortion pill!” “Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?” And you go “Ah, that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter onto your womb, and no one knows the whys about. But no. It was a long story and I won’t get into the graphic details about.

But it would took a month to have this… And what was more fucked up is how they treat you. There was just this clinic… Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??]. And they were all fucking assholes, and they treated you like shit because they can. And that’s a problem. Even though abortion is legal… Yes, for a limited time only. Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town and he knows your body better than you. Trust your government. That blue light specials are about to end. But even though it’s legal, it still lives in that grey area of shame where if you even bring it up in a fucking basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo all silence. And that’s how they treat you… like shit. Because they can get away with it. It’s like dildos, right? They’re legal, except for Mississippi, “You’re gonna jail for that!” They’re legal. Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight. You go out to the smut shop, you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler, and you bring it home, and you jam[??] the batteries in it… But then the neck doesn’t swivel quiet right for the G spot. And then little robber rabbit doesn’t quiet reach you clitoris, like it says it will on the box. What are you gonna do? Bring it back? You’ll have to get have liquored up on draft beer just to walk into that joint. Much less stop buying Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you’re… “How you did it talk to someone [??] This doesn’t reach my clitoris, There’s something… Can I try on a different one?” They gonna tell you to pound sand and get out of the store. Who you gonna call? The better business bureau? “I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!”

It’s the same with an abortion. They know that I’m not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the form and go: “This is the worst abortion I have ever had, I want to see your manager.” “I want to talk to your manager. You call this an abortion?” “I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship, my friend.” “I’m gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am.” “I’m not gonna have my abortions here anymore.” “You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.” “I’m cutting up my priority club membership card.” You’re gonna fucking stare at me like you don’t have any… Yeah, fine.

Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy, like I’m some asshole about this, keep in mind I’m just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don’t know the reason we had… The reason we had an abortion was… It wasn’t because… It wasn’t frivolous. We didn’t have an abortion because we weren’t ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we’re not financially capable of taking… The reason we had it is ’cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby. I just do not want you to judge.

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