After achieving fame with Saturday Night Live and Beverly Hills Cop, Eddie Murphy released a film version of one of his live stand-up performances. He mainly focuses on the topics of divorce and relations between the sexes, but also goes into some of the problems he’s encountered because of fame, including offended listeners and fans who continually greet him with his unprintable catch phrases.

 

Show me that little dance you-all be doing.
– I told y’all to stop running in here.
– Yes, ma’am. I’m gonna smack one of you now, you hear? Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear? See that chocolate cake I bought? The chocolate cake that was on the counter? – Yeah. – Well, check Cousin Cecil’s pockets. He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the sweet potato pie. Hey, little brother. Show me that little dance y’all be doing. Get down, Lester, you is talking! You move like you’re 21 . That dance ain’t new. lt ain’t nothing but the old shuffle-butt. Well, show me that move. Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down. Can’t you see the kids are trying to put a show on there? Lester, she ain’t your mama. – Yeah. Yeah. – Junior! Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa. Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma. – That’s my granddaughter. – That’s my niece. Why do fools fall in love? Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day. Why do they fall in love? Why does the rain fall from up above? Why do fools fall in love? Why do they fall in love? Mama, I got a joke. Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. I got a joke to tell. Once there was a lion and a monkey. The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.” So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing!” So the lion said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I can make the stars come out.” And then he kicked him in the ding-ding. Thank you. I love that doo-doo line. That boy’s got talent. My favorite movie is Trading Places. – 48 Hrs. Has to be.
Trading Places.
Beverly Hills Cop.
Delirious.
Beverly Hills Cop.
– No, 48 Hrs.
– All of them.
48 Hrs.
– All of them.
48 Hrs.
I even liked Best Defense. I’m looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit.
– I’m telling you, that behind and all.
– Yeah, he’s looking sexy.
– He looks good.
– Handsome.

Thank you. Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And hello, New York City! Thank you for coming out. Don’t let the lights and cameras throw y’all. We filming a movie here tonight and y’all gonna be in this shit. Except only I’m getting paid for the motherfucker. Every now and then I take a joke too far. That’s why I haven’t been on the road the last three years. Did y’all see Delirious? In Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too. That’s when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T. And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was… And I was scared, because y’all seen Mr. T. He don’t look like, you know, like he can’t fight. He looks like he can whip some ass, right? And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say: “Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you.” He was walking up to people saying: “I’m gonna whip Eddie Murphy’s ass when I see him.” Then I watched his show, because I didn’t know him, to see what kind of guy he was, and the character on the show ain’t too bright. So I figured if he came up to me, I could use the Jedi mind trick on him. Mr. T walk up and go, “I heard you did some jokes about me.” “No, you didn’t.” “Maybe I didn’t.” “I’m gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies.” I’d be at parties, hear he was looking for me, I would just leave. I don’t wanna fight Mr. T.

Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like… When Mike… My manager called me up and said: “Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad.” I was like, “So?” You know, because I’d fuck Mike up. You know, Mike… Mike don’t weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said: “We don’t know everything about Michael. “He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors. “He’s a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different.” And I’d be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day and it’d be like this: “Can I talk to you for a minute? “Yeah, what’s your motherfucking problem, man? “Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? “What’s all the motherfucking jokes? You don’t like my clothes? “I’m Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, I will bust your ass. “Get the fuck out, motherfucker… “I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. “You mind your motherfucking business. “I hear some more shit, I’m gonna put this glove up your ass. “I’ll see you later.” That’s a dumb… I could never… I’ve been trying for five months to do the moonwalk and I can’t do the shit. lt’s shitty. lt’s the dumbest dance ever, because I can’t do it, that’s why I say it’s stupid. But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? Be at a party, say, “Hey, baby, come on, let’s dance. See you later.” Do the moonwalk. That’s some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though. Michael’s so famous, Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes. Went on television and said: “I don’t have sex because of my religious beliefs.” And the public believed it. I know brothers were like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And white people go, “That Michael’s a special kind of guy. “He’s special. I mean, he’s good, clean and wholesome.”

You know how I knew y’all believed it? Y’all didn’t get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys. Nobody white said shit. And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown. You look up “white woman” in the dictionary, be a picture of Brooke like this: She’s white. And this nigger took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit. lf I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, y’all would lose your mind. Because y’all know Brooke would get fucked that night. And Brooke knew too. That’s why we going this year. No… Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about… I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago and faggots were mad. They were like… And they were… There’s nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you. I’d be at parties… There’s always two or three at a party. They’d be standing around looking at you, they’d be looking at… “He’s an asshole.” I can’t travel the country freely no more. I can’t go to San Francisco. They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport. Soon as I got off the plane, they’d be like: “He’s here, yes. Yes, it’s him. Yes, it’s him!” And the cars would come rushing across town. It’d be: And it won’t be no siren, it’ll be a real fag sitting on the roof going: “Pull over. Pull over. “Pull over. I’m gonna read him his rights. “You have the right to remain silent. “Anything you say can and will be held against you. “You have the right to an attorney. Turn around. I’m gonna frisk you. “You carrying any concealed weapons? “Are you carrying…? What is this? What is this? “Lay down on the floor and spread them.”

– Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? – Yeah! I do too. I love Bill Cosby’s show. I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage. It was real weird, because I had never met him and he just thought it was… He should call me up, because he was Bill, and tell me that he did… About what comedy is all about. And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me. I was like, “Hello, Mr. Cosby?” And you hear: “I would like to talk to you… “…about some of the things that you do in your show. “Now, I’m going to tell you a story.” He always tells you stories. “I would like to tell you a story. I have five children. “One, two, three, four, five. Five… Five children. “I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children. “Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy. “The boy’s name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. “Comes home from school the other day “with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. “He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile, “and I cannot resist, because it’s such a beautiful smile. “And he walks up and I say, ‘What are you smiling about?’ “And the child says to me: ‘I’m smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show. ‘Please give me money for a ticket.’ “Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket, “I have to give him money for a ticket. “I do not handle the money in the house. “My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. “So I must go into the kitchen, “to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. “And she is inside the kitchen cooking. “And she’s got a bowl. “And she’s cooking up the food, man. She’s cooking it up. “And the child walks in the room with the smile “and he says, ‘Mother, please, money.’ “She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. “Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return. “At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door. “He has a different look on his face. “A look like he heard something at your show that he’s never heard before. “And I say to my child, I say, ‘Child…’ “I say, ‘What did the man say on the stage?’ “And he says, ‘Pop, the man comes out and says these things.’ “I say, ‘Well, what did he say?’ ‘Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.’ “I say, ‘What did he do?’ ‘Pop, he walks out and he goes: “Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff. “And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it.”‘ “You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth in front of people.” And I say, “I never said no ‘filth, flarn, filth’.” “You know what I’m talking about. “I can’t use the type of language that you use, “but you know what I mean when I say ‘filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth’.” I say, “I never said ‘filth, flarn, filth’. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m offended you called. Fuck you.” That’s when Bill got pissed and said: “That’s what I’m talking about. You cannot say ‘fuck’… “…in front of people.” And I got mad. Because he thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, “motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. “Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor‘s house up. I said, “Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up “and told me I was too dirty.” Richard said: “The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, ‘Suck my dick.’ “I don’t give a fuck. “Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit.” He said, “Do people laugh when you say what you say?” I said, “Yes.” “Do you get paid?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Well, tell Bill I said: ‘Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.’ “The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker.” Richard… Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. Richard’s the one that made me wanna do comedy. When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to… Remember, you’d sneak in the basement, put his albums on, and your mother ain’t supposed to hear, and you’re listening to this shit and I turned it… I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was 15 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard. My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit. My whole act back then was about taking a shit, because that’s all I had done at 15. That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes.

I’d be going, [imitating Richard Pryor]
You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo’ ass? Don’t that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin’ yo’ ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo’ ass don’ cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo’ ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o’ toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin’ for a long time and one lil’ pebble shit comes out? Y’ want some shit this big right? Stick yo’ head up your ass and say: That all the shit I’m gonn’ get mothafocka? And it’s afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin’ you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back… WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

That was my act. My mother sit there shocked. If you don’t speak English, you can’t hear that bit. All you hear is “shit, ass, shit, shit.” I got a lot of foreigners that come over. People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S., because New York is a tourist place, and they get HBO and they catch Delirious and they can’t speak English and try to do my act and all they got is the curses. I got foreigners from all over walking up, going: “Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! “Fuck you, Eddie. “I know you. I see you on television. “You’re the ‘fuck you’ man, right? “I love it. Suck my dick, huh? “Suck it, you black motherfucker. “I love it. The best motherfucker. The ‘fuck you’ man.” Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year. Don’t you “ooh” and “aah”. Got to get married in the ’80s. I read the papers. I said, “Fuck this, I’m getting out.” Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit. You can’t just keep messing around like you used to. Eventually, your dick will fall off. Remember…? Remember, like, VD in the ’60s? That shit don’t just sting no more. Every time they cure something, it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now. They got dudes in the doctor’s office with symptoms like, “Excuse me, doc, “what does it mean when you go to the bathroom “and fire shoot out your dick?” “Let me get this right. So you’re getting a burning sensation “when you urinate?” “No, fire shoot out my dick, is all. “A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee. “I can’t even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside. “I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me, “I turned around and burned him up on the street. “Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I’m trying to say.” Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays is like playing Russian roulette. And I know I’ve thrown my dick on the crap table many a night. Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time. You gambling with your dick, saying, “Come on, need a woman with a mind. “Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now! “Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No. “I’m gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me. “I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind, “intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now! “Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back. “Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet. “I’m gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll. “This is the last one. This is the one for me. “Miss Right. Blow on this for luck. “This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go. “Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out. “My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined.” So be careful. Get married. I went out and found the perfect woman. Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her. And had an ass like this: And her legs are like: Her titties are like: She was so fine. She’s one of the people that’s so fine, when you see them, they make you ugly. You be like, “Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?” She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off. I said, “That’s it, I’m getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her.”

I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine while I was waiting on the line and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. There was a picture of him like this: Then I said, “What’s up with Johnny?” I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page and she was like this: And over her head it said, “Johnny’s wife wants half Johnny’s money.” I turned that shit back to Johnny. Then I started thinking about it. Half. If you… If you have $5 and have to give somebody $2.50, you’d be upset. Johnny had to have at least 300 million. And have to give up $150 million? And they wasn’t even married but ten years. And $150 million? Get… Give me a fucking break. What…? What…? And ladies… Now, here’s a woman right here saying, “Right on.” Baby, that’s not fair. Not no 150 million. I see a lot of you ladies going: “Get all the money you can, shit. I’m glad she did get all that money. “She earned it. She earned it. That… You damn right. “She was married to him, she deserved that money.” Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. No. Stop it. No, don’t get me wrong. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. And I’m quite sure she knew. Johnny says, “Hey, I’m Johnny.” She was like, “I know who you are, motherfucker.” And they got married, broke up, shit didn’t work out. And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: “You can’t put a price on what I do.” But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t no regular housewife. You ain’t got to clean the house no more. You get a maid. You ain’t cleaning shit! You marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t cooking. You’re eating out. You marry… You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side to help make ends meet? He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? And say, “Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. “Now we have $300 million and 70. “Because I want to do my share.” No. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband. That’s it! That’s your job. Fuck your husband! That’s it. That’s… Just fuck your husband. You fill out a W-2, they say, “What you do?” You say, “I fuck my husband.” That’s it. And I’ve had my share of pussy. I have yet… Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman’s ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million! No pussy. I’d like to meet some pussy like that. Put the shit on layaway. That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified.

Man, you know what’s real scary is that American women in the ’80s have become very business-conscious. Y’all the most resourceful and the most business-smart women on the planet. Now, in the ’80s. And it would be an asset to us, as American men, if you weren’t so vindictive. Because the two don’t match. Then, what’s really fucked up, is y’all the most loving people. American women are all off into this romance and they genuinely fall in love with you. Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don’t mix. Especially if you got a business-smart woman… You go up and say, “I never met anybody like you before.” “I never met anyone like you.” “Why don’t we be together.” “Will you marry me?” “I thought you’d never ask.” “Before we get married, why don’t you sign this prenuptial agreement.” “What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?” “That’s a contract that stipulates if we ever break up, “you take what you had and I take what I had.” “First of all, I don’t give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK? “You got a lot of motherfucking nerve by asking me to sign a contract. “There’s nothing a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself. “You got a whole lot of… I love you. “Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you? “If I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me.” And men hear all that shit and we be like this, “OK. “We don’t need no contract.” And you don’t get a contract and get married without one and the shit don’t work out and you break up a year later. She’s sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad, trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass. “I can’t believe that motherfucker did this to me! “After all the shit I did… “All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me? “Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass! “I don’t give a shit about either one of them. “I don’t want shit from him or her and I don’t care. “You know something? You know what I should…? You know…? “Half! “I’ll take half his shit!” And they’ll get it. They’ll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony, child support and your children. You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this: So be careful!

I started having nightmares. I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: “Half!” Because I’m into American women. I like American women. I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend. And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet. They’re real… They’re real timid, timid, timid, timid women. I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl, bowed to me when I walked in. I said, “What’s wrong with your wife’s back and shit?” He said, “That’s a Japanese thing. They bow.” And I was like, “Miss, did you decorate the house?” She looked at her husband, he did like this: “You may speak.” And she spoke. And I was like, “Now, that’s pussy control for you, there.” You know, because I’m used to American women saying: “You don’t own me.” “Hey, baby, where you going?” “Excuse me?” “I said, where you going?” “You don’t own me.” “You my woman, ain’t you?” “I don’t see no rings on these fingers. “Are you gonna put a ring on this finger? “Well, I…” “Then you don’t own me then, OK? “I don’t give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK? “You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I’m going. “I don’t answer to my father, I ain’t gonna answer to no man. “Ain’t no man gonna tell me where I can go. “Who do you think you are? “To come and ask me where I’m going? Nobody owns me. “I own myself. I am my own person.” And we hear all that shit, then be, “OK.” “Well, where you gonna be?” “I’m gonna be where I’m at! “You don’t own me!” Well, you don’t. You don’t own your woman. “You gonna put a ring on my finger?” That shuts you right up. You say, “OK.”

I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman. And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets and help her get some clothes. You spending all your money on shit you ain’t never spent it on. But you don’t own her. Because theoretically, that pussy’s on lease. You’re leasing the pussy. With an option to buy. But be careful, because you lose half on the trade-in. You got to be careful. You gotta have a J-O-B in the ’80s. You gotta have some money, you can’t get no pussy. Listen to the radio. That’s what it’s about. Listen to Madonna. “I’m a material girl in a material world, “you ain’t got no money, you can’t have no pussy.” There’s a song out now called “Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me.” And the lyrics go, “Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.” Like if you went up and said: “Hey, baby, what’s going on?” “The rent, motherfucker.” “You have a job?” “Well, I…” “Then get the fuck out my face.” Got to have some money. It says, “No romance without finance.” And women love them songs. They be going: Got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me. Janet Jackson got a hit record: “What Have You Done For Me Lately”. That’s what they thinking. “What have you done for me lately?” The record start off like that. “I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?” “Baby, I love you.” “What have you done for me lately?” “You the only thing on my mind.” “What have you done for me lately?” “We make good love.” “What have you done for me lately?”

Got to have some money to get some pussy in the ’80s. It’s fucked up, that’s why I say, hey, I’m a target. If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch… …that knows nothing about money. She got to be butt naked on a zebra with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip and a big, fucked-up Afro! Her Afro… Afro gotta… Like, Angela Davis see it and go: “Goddamn, that’s some fucked-up shit.” Afro gotta be fucked up and one of them picks with a fist in the back. And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes, she gonna have to put something in the pockets. She’s gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y’all think it’s a joke. I’m gonna walk up and say, “Hey, how you doing? My name’s…” And she go: I say, “Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy.” And I’m gonna bring her home. Y’all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JE with some woman with a big bone and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro, butt naked, and y’all gonna say, “Eddie must be visiting Africa.” It’ll say, “Murphy Marries Bush Bitch.” I’m gonna be like: What? What? Because I ain’t getting caught. I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that. And I’m gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house. You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman, you can’t let her mingle with American women. Because they’ll change her shit up. American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see is you got some trained bush bitch in your house. They will catch her by herself in the kitchen and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program. They get her alone, they be like, “I can’t stand the way you be “doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being. “This house is too big for one person to clean. Why don’t you leave? “You always crying. Just leave him. You know something? “Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that? “He didn’t tell you you were entitled to half? “He only told you half the story. “You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children. “You can buy all the zebras and bones you want. “Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right. “Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is? “Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy. “That motherfucker ain’t nothing but… Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing? “Oh, I didn’t know you was here. You scared me. “No, I can’t stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things. “No, no, no, I got to go. I got to… You two… Y’all two lovebirds talk. “Eddie, talk to your… Talk to Uhmfufu. “Y’all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu…” And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude. “Eddie! “Eddie! “I want to talk to you!” “What’s your problem, baby?” “I don’t like the way you treat me, Eddie. “You treat me like animal.” “You was butt naked on a zebra last month.” “I don’t care, Eddie. I am American woman now. “I want what’s coming to me. “Eddie, what have you done for me lately?” “I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?” “Half! “Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man. “Suck my dick, Eddie. “You motherfucker.” Then I’d be on the front page of the African Enquirer like this: So be careful. Don’t get caught in a trap.

Any woman can get any man she wants if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you. They have figured us out. We’re very easy creatures to figure out. And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around and you had to fuck her? And then afterwards you be like this, “I can’t believe I fucked this bitch.” They just cater to your ego. Sometimes you’ll see a real ugly bitch with a handsome dude. You say, “How that happen?” Dude’s going, “Yeah, how that happen?” Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. Guys, don’t get trapped. We’ll call them “pussy traps”. Let’s call them pussy traps. It’s a trap. They trap you with the pussy. They catch you with the pussy, see. And it’s a trap. The most common trap is to not give you any, though. Don’t think, “Maybe you’re gonna put a trap on.” The most common is when you ain’t getting any at all, that’s the trap. When you meet a woman and everything is perfect and she won’t do anything, it’s a trap. Sometimes it backfires, because a lot of women play these games with sex. And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don’t. But they do. There’s not a woman… There’s not a woman in this room that wouldn’t rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them. Don’t you let them fool you. They like it just as much as us. See, ladies sitting there going: “That’s true. “He’s funny, but he’s not that funny. “I’ll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will.” They like it just as much as us, but they play these games. Know where it backfires on you, ladies? When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him, you like each other, everything is perfect, but you won’t do anything. He say, “Let’s go.” You say, “No, I’m not gonna do it.” And after that, he don’t like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you. So he waits. He be like, “Okay, I’ll wait. “Goodnight.” And you wait. You wait three months. Then you finally get it and she’s like this, “I’m yours.” And you go, “Fuck you, bitch!” “Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face.” Be careful. Don’t get trapped. The most common trap is to not give you any. Let me hear the men clap that are with women that you’ve never slept with before. Let me hear you clap, truthfully. Look at the ladies going, “Stop clapping.” Shame on you. You should’ve fucked them. Clap. Clap louder. Shame on you. Y’all should’ve fucked them. These men like you and you just won’t do it, because you’re trying to trap… Guys, don’t be hurt. She likes you. This is what is going on inside your house every night. “Baby, come on, now, please.” She go, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.” “Baby, come on. Would you stop?” “Oh, stop. Can we please stop? “Are we gonna go too far?” “I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby.” “We could… Stop. I just don’t think the time is right.” “Well, my dick don’t get much harder than this. “I been waiting three months. What’s the problem?” “I don’t wanna fuck. I wanna make love. “I’ve had too many relationships that didn’t work out. You’re special to me. “I know all the girls do everything that you want. “And I don’t wanna go through… Why are you doing this…?” And men see those tears and we be, “OK. “We don’t have to do nothing.” Then you go out and your friends be, “Yo, man, you fuck her yet?” “No.” “Why not?” “She’s special. “She said she don’t wanna fuck, she wanna make love.” Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let’s be real. I mean, the physical act… I like to fuck somebody I’m in love with. But I ain’t making love to nobody. I get into bed… I get into bed… I get into bed… When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say: “Oh, make love to me” or grab the back of your head and say, “Fuck the shit out of me. “You motherfucker. “Just fuck, mother… Fuck me, goddamn it.” You want somebody in the bed with you: “Oh, darling, I want to make love to you.” That type of shit. “You a motherfucker…” I’m a realist. But they’ll tell you, “I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love.” And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait. And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some. And it’s the best you ever had in your life. You come harder than you’ve ever came. “This was it. This was the feeling I’ve been searching for. I finally made love.” You didn’t make love. lt just felt real good. You know why? Because you waited five months for it. If you’re starving and somebody throw you a cracker, you gonna be like this: “Goddamn, that’s the best cracker I ever ate in my life! “That ain’t no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine? “Goddamn, that was delicious. “That wasn’t no Saltine. That was… That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz? “God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. “Can I have another one, please? Please, one more.” Then you get married, because you think you’ve found the bomb. Have the same crackers every day for a year. And you roll over one day and be like: “Hey, I just got some regular old crackers.” Try to leave? Half! So be careful. Marry someone that’s not gonna fool around on you. Which would be hard to do in the ’80s, because everybody’s fucking each other nowadays. It’s like Fuckfest ’87. Everybody… Everybody is fucking and it really… It’s getting bad. Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully. Let me hear you clap. OK, now, let me hear… Let me hear the women clap that have men that are loyal to them, truthfully. Yeah, I see. Y’all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now. Let me hear the men clap. Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women. Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass. Fuck, there ain’t no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers. Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you’re clapping is because your woman’s sitting next to you right now when I asked you. When I asked the question, she looked at you like this: “You gonna put your hands together? “You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it. “Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap.” “She’s number one!” Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they’ll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men fuck other women. We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it. We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking. He is a man and has to conquer women. I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going: “Not my man.” Yes, your man too. Your man too. If he’s not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody. Because he is a man. lt has nothing to do with you. You can have the best pussy in the world. There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it. Your man’s still gonna go fuck somebody else, because he is a man. It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it. You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men. I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too: “Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man! “I ain’t spent all my money for this, motherfucker!” You gonna be driving home tonight with your wife in the car like this: “You don’t really be fooling around like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?” “No, baby. That’s just jokes. “That Ed sure is funny, ain’t he? “Why don’t we change the subject. Let’s talk about something different. “I don’t wanna talk about this stuff.” “I do wanna talk about this stuff. “Why does he have to lie to me? I think he was telling the truth. “If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait “until you went to sleep, I would come inside the room and kill you.” – Thanks, Eddie! – We love you! “Yeah, that Ed sure is funny. “I ain’t got to worry. As much as I love you, “I wouldn’t fool around. Let’s talk about the Richard Pryor.” “I don’t wanna talk about the Richard Pryor. “I wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around, “I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?” “What would you do, baby, take half?” “No, I’d wait till you went to sleep “and I’d come inside the room and cut your dick off.” “Don’t be talking about cutting off my dick.” “Well, you don’t be putting your dick in nobody else, then.” “Well, I don’t play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it. “Stop making them dick threats.” The woman’s favorite… Y’all always make… The woman’s favorite threat is, “I’ll do something to your dick.” “If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands… “Don’t you put your hands on me, I’m gonna kick you where it hurts.” Dick threats. Y’all don’t realize how sensitive nuts are, do you? Men don’t like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody: “I’ll kick you in the nuts.” It make you wince, be like: “Change the subject, please.” You don’t have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. You could just graze nuts. And the man would be fucked up. And that pain is worse, because it don’t set in for, like, ten seconds. You be wondering if it’s gonna hurt. You say, “I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just…?” There’s no getting around it. “I’ll kick you in your nuts.” You don’t have to kick. You could just graze it. Y’all do that… You ever have a woman play-fight with you? Your man get serious when they threaten your dick. You be, “Hey, baby, come on.” And she go: You say, “Hey, hey, hey. “I think playtime is over. “Getting a little crazy.” That’s why men don’t like to handle babies. Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old, you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet. And both of y’all be dribbling. You be like: And their mother think you talking baby talk. “Oh, that’s so cute, the way they talking.” “Yeah, go to your mother, please.” “What’s the matter, he stink?” “No, I’m about to throw this motherfucker someplace. “Get a little older, I’m gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it.” “I kick him in his nuts.” Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts. You know what, ladies? I had a woman ask me the other day: “You know why I say my thing? I wanna know why all men fool around. “Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do “and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck. “I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?” Then you call up your girlfriends and go, “Why?” She go, “I don’t know. My man ain’t home.” “Why?” Then you call up your mother and say, “Mama, why?” She go, “I don’t know, your father ain’t home.” “Why? Why?” I’ll tell you why all men fool around. – Why? – Hear the ladies go, “Why?” Men fool around because of this. Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this: We fool around because we figured women out. We did. See, a lot of you ladies going: “What does he mean, he figured us out?” And dumb niggas going, “Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?” We figured you out in this sense, and this is true. Anybody’s ever done this will agree with what I’m saying. Any woman that’s ever had this done to her will agree what I’m gonna say. Those of you who’ve never done this will go, “I disagree.” But once you make a woman come real hard, once you make a woman say: No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say: “I’m sorry,” she will listen to your story. And that’s the truth. That’s the God’s honest truth. lt is the truth. Stop it. lt’s the truth. lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y’all make that noise, your relationship will change with your man. Because we know. We wait on that noise. We waiting on it. Because we know we can act different as soon as you go: We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man couldn’t make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go: Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that. You made that noise. Your man can act crazy. We know as soon as you go: Our face is in the pillow like this, “I got this motherfucker now, boy.” Then you start talking to her: “Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?” “Oh, it’s your pussy! lt’s your pussy!” And your relationship changes from that moment. The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking: “Oh, my God. Oh, I can’t believe it. “I never came like that before. I can’t believe it.” And their man get real cold, saying shit like: “Why don’t you shake your ass home.” “What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this? “We have a relationship.” “You don’t own me.” “What do you mean? We have a relationship. “I thought that we go together.” “I don’t see no rings on your finger.” “But I love you!” “Well, what have you done for me lately?” And y’all put up with it. Y’all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit. I guess it’s hard to find somebody that knows how to do it to you right, because when y’all find one, y’all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit. I know a man got busted coming out of another woman’s house. Show you how far a woman will stoop. He got busted coming out of another woman’s house. His woman saw him come out, knew that the woman lived there and didn’t say shit. Wait till they got home and said: “What the hell was you doing in that bitch’s house?” You know what the man said? “Wasn’t me.” “I looked right in your face!” “Wasn’t me.” “Well, I’m supposed to be a fool, right?” “Hey. “Wasn’t me.” You know what the woman said? “Maybe it wasn’t you.” I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed, where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking! His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door, saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking. She walks in: The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there. She ran down the hallway. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked with a rock-hard dick, talking about, “I’m sorry.” This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this: “Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. “Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. “Baby, I am sorry.” “No, you’re not sorry. “I can’t believe you did this. You have no respect for me. “Get the fuck… Don’t you fucking touch me.” “Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second.” “No, if you’re sorry, you wouldn’t have fucked her!” And then you change the shit around. Right, guys? “OK, wait a minute! “Wait one second, goddamn it! “Yes, I fucked her, yes. “ls that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her. “We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! “Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’ for a minute. “Because that’s a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. “Fuck. I fucked her. “I make love to you. “And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love, “there’s something really wrong happening here, baby.” Bullshit. That’s the only reason why it works. Now, guys, I see a lot of y’all feeling real macho, because you may have heard your woman make that noise and you think you are in control of your shit. But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive. Don’t you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman’s heart, your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, she eventually will go out and fuck someone else. Don’t think she won’t. Don’t think she won’t. Look, all the men’s faces, they’re like this now: And men don’t like to picture their woman fucking nobody. That’s taboo. Watch the guy’s faces. Ladies, look at them. Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend. Look at them, they’re: Hey, your woman is like this: I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain’t like us. It’s not their nature to fool around. Like, we’ll go out and sneak out to the hotel and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit. Women gonna do it classy. They don’t fuck around like us. It’s like, “Hey, I don’t do this often, I’m gonna do it right.” Know when your woman’s gonna fool around? You keep messing her over, eventually she says shit like this: “You know, I think I’m gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend.” And you say, “You want me to go with you?” She goes, “No, just me and my girlfriends are going. “Just me and my friends.” And we so stupid, we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone. “You gonna go by yourself?” “Yes.” “OK.” And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself? By herself to the Bahamas? She’s walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan, your woman is fine and got her body looking right, she’s walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas. Lovers on the beach making love. She’s all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you and everybody’s real romantic. The motion of the ocean is shimmying off… The moon is shimmying off the ocean. Your woman’s standing, looking at it and crying. And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up. Dexter St. Jock. He walk up swinging his dick. Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman. “What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love? “This is the island for lovers. “You should be being held right now, girl. “What you crying about?” “I’m having some problems with my boyfriend, “so I came down here to think it over.” “Tell me what hotel your man’s staying. “I tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess. “If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly. “What hotel this man staying in?” “Well, he’s back in New York.” “Is that right? “Well, listen, girl. Won’t you come back around my place? “We sit down and talk it over.” “All we gonna do is talk?” He take your woman to his house and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints. Shit this big and shit. Put some of that Bob Marley music on. And y’all know Bob be preaching this shit: Don’t let him fool you Oh, no Or even try to school you Oh, yeah Could this be love? And be loved Dick swinging. Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman. Well. Send your woman home floating on air. Walk through the door like this: I shot the sheriff We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going: “Hey, baby, you need to get away more often.” And she be like this: And never tell you. lt’s her little secret. All women have a skeleton in the closet. All women have done something that only them and another person knows about. All women have one skeleton. Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them and another person knows about. All women. Don’t be… Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this: “You got skeletons in your closet? “I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?” Don’t be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet. Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit. You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet. So be careful. Be careful. Get somebody you gonna be with forever. Find somebody perfect for you. I’m not saying they’re perfect people. I’m saying we ain’t perfect. Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down. That’s what you gotta do. If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality. For instance, I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches, those real quiet ones, you know. The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say: “Hey, what you wanna eat?” They go, “I’ll just have a salad.” And you hear their stomach going: “I don’t know why my stomach is making that noise.” “Because you’re hungry, bitch.” “Why don’t you have something to eat?” “No, no, no. I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll just have a salad.” “What you want to drink?” “Water.” “What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?” “Whatever you wanna see is OK with me. “As long as it’s a PG. I hate scary movies.” “This is my friend Bob and Karen.” “Hi.” “What’s your problem?” “I’m just a little shy.” Get your shy ass away from me. I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother… I hate shy… You know, those shy women, those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet. That’s why they shy now. Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy. Think about it. All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk, because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit. “Hi. “So many skeletons.” I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor. I like funny girls, funny women. But you gotta be good-looking too. I don’t wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I’d have me in the bed going: “Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?”

Gotta be a good cook. I didn’t realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out. When you’re a child, if your mother doesn’t take you to McDonald’s, you don’t think she can cook. I had one of those mothers, no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home. You say, “Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald’s.” And she go, “I got hamburger meat at home.” “But I want McDonald’s hamburger.” “I’ll make you a hamburger better than McDonald’s.” “You cook better than McDonald’s?” “That’s right. You can help Mama make it.” You say, “Shit, that’s better than McDonald’s.” Your mother say, “OK, go get me the big frying pan.” So you hand her the frying pan and she say: “I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion.” And you say: “Ain’t no green peppers at McDonald’s.” “I’m not making McDonald’s, I’m making Mama’s burger. “I need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too.” “What you need eggs for? “I want hamburgers. “You making Egg McMuffins.” “I’m not making an Egg McMuffin. I don’t know what no Egg McMuffin is. Just get me the egg and shut your mouth.” She take the egg and the green peppers and chop the peppers up in big chunks. Don’t even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it and make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan. At McDonald’s, the meat is this thin. Your mother’s shit is like this or fatter. Green peppers hanging out of it and shit. And there’s a big split in the middle and grease is popping out. You’re looking at it while it’s popping. You’re looking at the grease in the pan and thinking: “That don’t look like no McDonald’s.” Then your mother say, “Go inside the refrigerator and get me the bread out of the bread box.” And you go look in the bread box and you say: “Ma, we don’t have no hamburger buns. “All we have is Wonder Bread.” “That’s what I said. Get the bread out of the bread box.” “You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?” “Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you. “Don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “As much as that bread costs, don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger.” And she’d make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread. At McDonald’s, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread. At your mother’s, the meat’s right in the middle of the bread, with grease running through the middle, making the bread stick to the plate. This big green pepper is hanging out the top of this big meatball on the bread. And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough. Then you grab it and get fingerprinted and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough. You stand there looking at it and you try to make it look like McDonald’s, so you rip the edges off around it, make it round. And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand. And your mother say, “Now, go on outside and play.” And the other kids got McDonald’s. They outside going, “We got McDonald’s hamburgers. “McDonald’s. McDonald’s. “I got McDonald’s.” And you standing there with this big “house burger”. And kids are honest. They say, “Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?” And you cry. “My mother made it.” And long slob… When little kids cry, some long slob come out of their mouth and it hangs this far to the ground. And it won’t break. And adults stand around going, “That slob gonna break?” And it won’t. The wind can blow that slob. You know where you see kids crying? I do it all the time, I’m sadistic. I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

Party at the Loft! I was at the Loft. You know why I ain’t dancing at the Loft? I had just got over some shit. I go to parties… I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance. Y’all… Y’all can’t dance. No, it’s not… I’m not being racist. I mean, I mean… It’s like saying black people have thick lips. That’s not racist. It’s true. We have thick lips and white people can’t dance. And y’all be trying. Y’all be really… Do y’all listen to the words or the beat? Because y’all be… I really… I tell you, every time you see a black… When you go to a white club, you see five or six brothers just standing. You ask, “Why are those niggers in here?” They watching y’all dance. “Look at these crazy motherfuckers.” Y’all got one dance y’all can do. Y’all can do this shit, like this: But y’all don’t do no moves, it’s just this: Y’all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You’d be: “Oh, shit…” And white people, y’all step on each other’s feet. Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, you’re stepping and hitting and… Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads. Some shit like that. If the white people do that, they’ll kill each other. They be like: “Sorry.” “Let’s stick with this.”

I was in the club, man. I stopped going… I ain’t dancing at the Loft because I had a fight recently and I said I ain’t dancing. I went to clubs… People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting. I had a fight with an Italian dude right around the time Rocky came out. Italians… White people, period, y’all go crazy after y’all see a Rocky movie because y’all believe that shit. Because the movies are so emotional and so real, you sit there and go like, “Hey, this is real.” And Stallone have y’all white people pumped, especially Italians. After Italians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like… Italians are funny people, because they act like niggas. It’s funny. They do. They hold their dick more than us. They be standing around, “Get the fuck out of here.” “It’s right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?” Everything is a question too. “Hey, what am I, an asshole? “What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here. “It’s right here, all right?” After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged. They be like, “All right, Rock-O! “All right, Sly!” “All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!” Go up to the people standing on line and shit. “Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?” “Yeah.” “It’s a great fucking movie. “It’s great. “You gonna like this. When Sly comes out, “he breaks this big fucking nigger’s face. “He busts it fucking wide open. “Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up. “It’s fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O! “At the end of this picture, now, just between you and I, “I don’t wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again.”

“You know what I like about Stallone’s movies? “The realism. Because that’s the way you gotta treat those fucking moolies. “They think they can fucking push you around, ‘Oh, you big hotshot,’ “get the fuck out of here. “Get the fuck out of my face with that shit. “That’s what I like about Sly. He goes in “and the moolies are beating him and he don’t fucking go down, “he comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie’s hole like this. “He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that. “You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there? “See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?” “Yeah.” “All right. Now, he’s about 6’5″. I’m 5’2”. “I ain’t no big guy, all right? “But I’m Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right? “Hey, excuse me, brother. “Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits “and let me have some Bon Bons. “I think I’ll have some Bon Bons there. “And let me have some Junior Mints. “And give me another box of Juji Fruits. “And the nigger’s gonna pay for it.” “Excuse me?” “You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy… “…or I’ll kick your ass.” “Oh, you just saw Rocky. “Look, little Italian white man. “I enjoy Sylvester Stallone’s movies too. “But I’m waiting to get some candy and I’m gonna go see a movie. “Why don’t you just go hop in your IROC Z-28 and take your ass home.” “I’ll kick your fucking ass.” Then they hear that Rocky music. Hour later: “He’s not gonna make it. “The big nigger named Abdullah’s hand wrapped around his throat. “And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He’s not gonna make it. “He’s fucked up.” That’s who I had a fight with. An Italian.

Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time. Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever. Don’t ask me why. We were there kicking it and this Italian dude was there with his girlfriend and she is looking at me or Deney. Italians don’t play that shit. You hear the shit they say to their girlfriends? “What the fuck you looking over there for? “Don’t tell me you’re not looking. I just saw you. “You been looking over there all fucking night. “You look over there again and I’m gonna pick up a glass “and shove it in your fucking mouth. Don’t look over there. No, you shut up. “You’re making me look like an asshole. “Don’t you ever disrespect me. Don’t you ever. “Hey, shut up. Don’t you ever… I’ll fucking kick your ass inside here. “What are you looking at a fucking dancer and a melanzane for? “You know I’ll kick his moolie ass.” He pushed me. Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can’t fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. lt works. lf you have some problem… Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: “Hey, you got a problem?” You go, “Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!” “I just lost my motherfucking job “to a white man, look just like you! “So I say I’m gonna step on some feet till I feel I’ve redeemed myself. “You got a problem?” And white guys will go, “Hey, I didn’t know about your job.” They leave and brother be standing there like this: “That was close. “I almost got fucked up.” So I know you gotta act like you can fight. First, you make your voice go up an octave and act real confused. And mumble: “What the fuck this motherfucker trying…? “Yo, you don’t put your motherfucking hand, no… “Mind your motherfucking business. I’ll bust your motherfucking ass. “Don’t you never put your hands… Shut the fuck up. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man? “You know I’ll bust you… Get the fuck off me. “I’ll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business. “You want some, motherfucker? You want some? “Then make a move, then. Make a move. “Yeah, you better walk away, mother… I’ll bust your pussy ass too. “You never put your motherfucking hands on me. “What the fuck is your problem? What’s your problem, huh? “You got a problem? Well, I’m gonna settle your problem. “I’m gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!” And the dude did like this, “Come on!” I was stuck. I was standing there like this now. Dude said, “Come on, that’s the way I like it.” I didn’t know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good. I’m an actor, I ain’t no fighter. You put me in a movie where I’m the star, I’ll kick your ass. This is real shit. He’s going, “Come on.” I was frozen, man. I was standing there, my ego jumped out of my body and said, “Punch him in the face, Ed.” I said, “I ain’t punching nobody.” My ego said, “Well, give me your hand.” Clocked that boy in his eye. Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said: “What the fuck you do that for?” Ego said, “Because you’ve got an image to uphold. “You kicked the dude’s ass. Relax.” The dude was laying there, holding his eye. My ego said, “Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you.” And I was like, “Yeah. “I’m tired of people messing with me.” “Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass.” “If somebody else move, “I’m gonna kick their ass?” “Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people.” “Because I’m Ed “and if you mess with Ed, you be dead.” “That’s all right. Just worry about… Shit, you doing fine. “You just relax, don’t worry. Just be cool. “Ain’t nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude’s ass. “Just relax and cool out.” I start cooling out. My ego said: “Every now and then you gotta whip somebody’s ass, “let them know where you stand.” I said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” I ain’t see this dude’s brother standing behind me. And he has seen Rocky too. And he swung around my back and punched me in the mouth… …real, real hard. Because the punch said: And my ego said, “What was that?!” I said, “I don’t know.” And my lip said, “Hey, fellas!” So I’m standing there with my lips hanging down, looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. And I ain’t know what to do, so I scream for security. I said, “Security!” And that’s when one of my boys jumped over the table like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad and grabbed that boy and started going: Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass. Then somebody says, “Fight in the back!” And all the people, the bouncers, came and saw two niggers fighting two white guys. They jump on the niggers. “You niggers have to learn “to stop fucking up our club. Didn’t we let you in here, nigger? “We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you.” Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys, “Hey, you can’t beat up the brothers.” They jump in the fight. Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, it was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over. And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. I’m 5’10”. I weigh 165 pounds. I can’t whip a disco’s ass by myself. Even people that didn’t fight sued me. People that watched the fight was in court. “No, I didn’t actually fight, but I was there watching. “And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, “creating a weird effect with the mirror “and I saw this and my eyes were sprained, “the eyes, and I need 1 2 million for my sprained eyes.” Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued. I was like, “Ain’t no brothers gonna sue me.” Brothers sued Ed. The brothers went to get paid. I was, “Brothers don’t sue brothers.” They was like, “Fuck that. I’m getting paid, motherfucker.”

The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, “Can you state your case?”

[gangsta voice]

“Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor… yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin’, right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin’, says “There go Eddie Murphy.” Started actin’ all tipsy and shit. I said, “Where, where?” She go, “Over there.” I say, “Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!” I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t gittin on nobody’s jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, “Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker’s autograph?” I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, “Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph.”

[pause]

Then Ed said, “I ain’t signing a *motherfuckin’* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!” I said, “Yo, Ed, I’ll bust your ass for sayin’ shit like that.” He say, “Wh-Where, motherfucker, I’ll kill-” And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!

[normal]

I was disgusted.

Man in Audience: Half!

[gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit!

I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do. When you get depressed, you call your mother. You get your ass whipped, first you call home. I call my mother’s house. Because you wanna hear: “It’s gonna be all right, baby. It’s gonna be fine. “You just come on home. Stop crying. I’ll cook you something to eat. “I’ll cook you one of them big old hamburgers “I used to make before. You just come on home.” And you want that burger when you get older. I called my mother’s house, it was a Friday night, the phone rang for a half-hour. Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, my pops gets drunk. I was praying he wouldn’t answer the phone, because I’m bleeding, my lips are swollen, people walking by going, “Jimmie Walker.” I’m going, “No, I’m Ed. I just had a fight.” So I’m praying my father wouldn’t answer the phone. And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk: “This is my house! “It’s my house and I don’t give a fuck! “You know something? Hey, I’m drunk, Lil. “Lil? I’m drunk. And you know something? “It’s beautiful. “It’s beautiful, Lil. In my heart and my soul, I’m drunk. “You know something, fuck it. “Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine. “You don’t like it, get the fuck out of my house. “I pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink. “Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone? “Do you hear the phone ringing? “Lil! “That’s the phone, motherfucker. That’s not me. “No, I’m not answering shit. “I pay the bills. I’m gonna answer the phone too? “Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker? “You better answer this telephone. “Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look… “Shit, I’m watching the fights, Lil. “Are you…? You’re not gonna answer it? “OK. Fine. Don’t touch the phone no more, Lil. “Since you can’t get up off your ass and answer the phone, “you can’t touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian. “No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off. “I’m gonna write that down and put it on the fridge. “That’s the new rules in the house. “I’m gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up. “You gonna listen to me when I tell you to do something. “We gonna put new rules up. We gonna put rules up. Rules up. “Rules. Rules. “One, ‘Lillian cannot use the phone.’ “Two, ‘Lillian cannot…’ “Since you’re such a smart motherfucker, “you can’t go outside anymore either. “Cannot go outside ever again. “Now, put the rules up, Lillian. “You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it. “And the rules say ‘No phone and no outside.’ “And I don’t give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down. “If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say: ‘How you find out the house was burning?’ ‘We got a call from your wife,’ I kick your motherfucking ass. “You’re in this house to stay! You’ll burn up in this motherfucker. “No, Lillian, where you going? Didn’t I just say you couldn’t go no place? “How the hell you gonna go somewhere…? “You’re not going to Shirley’s house to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno. “Take your coat off. No, you can’t go no place because I said so. “The rules say ‘no outside.’ I know you wanna leave, that’s why you can’t go. “You better call and tell her you’re not coming. “You can’t use my phone. “I don’t know. You better lift up the window “and scream your motherfucking head off. “But you’re not… I don’t give… “You’re not going no place. You’re not going no place. “Because I know you wanna leave. That’s why. I know you wanna leave. “I know you wanna leave.” I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings old Motown songs to you in his argument, fucks up the lyrics and thinks he’s saying it right. “I know you wanna leave me “But I refuse to let you go, Lillian” Then he fuck up, think he’s saying it right. “If I have to beg and plead Do the symphony “I don’t mind because it means That much to me “You’re not going no place. “You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil. “Watching the ships roll in “Then you watch them Roll away again “Lillian “Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say, “It’s my house I live here “And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I… Yo vivo aqui “This is my house! I don’t give a fuck! “Do you hear this phone? I’m gonna answer, because I know it’s Shirley. “And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour. “You let it ring two or three times and hang it up. “That’s a lonely bitch at the end of that line. I’m gonna tell her. “Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again… “Shir…? What’s wrong…? Hey, what’s wrong with you? “What you crying about? Eddie, what’s…? “Eddie, what’s wrong with you? “What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol. “Who you have a fight with? “What? A disco? With Deney Terrio? “Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio? “And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot… “What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Deney Terrio “and shot Jimmie Walker. “He shot him in the lips, Lil. “Eddie, why’d you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips? “I like Good Times. “Oh, you took a shot in your lips? “And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that’d do it. “Who punched you in the lips? Italian? For what? “What you mean ‘nothing’? Nobody get punched for nothing. What’d you do? “Don’t tell me ‘nothing’. You had to do something. “What did you do? No, don’t tell me ‘nothing’. “Nobody gets punched for nothing. What…? Eddie… “No, don’t say ‘nothing’. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing “Had to do something “Motherfucker punched you in the mouth “Now, what did you do? What? “Eddie. No… Eddie, then it’s something that you did a long time ago. “Didn’t I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes. “What goes around comes around, Eddie. “Yes, that’s why that man punch you in your mouth tonight, “for something you did a long time ago. “Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get. “You get what you give. That’s why that man… “Eddie. What do you mean, you don’t remember what you did? “He probably punched you for something you did “when you was living here. “I didn’t catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day. “Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971? “It was you! Yes, it was. That’s why that man kick your ass tonight. “I’d appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says ‘Thank you.’ “Save me a trip to California. Because you never respect me. “You never listen to what I tell you to do. “I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules. “Me and your mother want respect. “You, Charlie and Vernon could not respect me and your mother. “All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect. “How come you can’t respect me? How come? “I’m a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie. “What we want Baby, you got it “What we need I know you got it “Because all I’m asking “ls for a little respect, motherfucker “When you come on home, baby Hold on a minute. “The kiss is sweeter than honey “R-E-S-Z-C-P Find out what you mean to me “R-E-C-C-T-T-P “Motherfucker, you know how to spell it! “Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie. “That’s why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child, “I respect my parents. And we didn’t have shit. Okay? “I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn’t have shit. “I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 13 cents a week. “He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 13 cents a week. “That’s not a lot of money when you have 11 children. “We didn’t have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon. “We didn’t have fancy luxuries like food. “What the fuck you gonna eat on 13 cents a week? “We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work. “We ate the toys, Eddie. “We ate the toys and we never complained, “because my mother could cook her ass off. “My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper, “make a Tonka truck taste so delicious. “The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie. “And you appreciate it. You never complained. “It was all for one and one for all. We stuck together. “I only hurt my brothers and sisters once. “I came home from school and my mother had made “a birthday feast for my father. “She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day “and made enough food for 13 people to feast on “for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself. “I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen, “put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children. “He had a tear in his eye and he said, ‘Which one of you kids sat down ‘and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?’ “And I ate it all, Eddie! “Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue, “the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon, “Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax, “Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after ‘Go’… “…that nobody buys. I ate them. “I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did. “I did, and I sat down and ate my father’s birthday cake too. “No, we couldn’t afford a cake. “It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other. “Two Etch… Etch-A-Sketch cake. That’s right. “We couldn’t afford no icing, “so my mother would write ‘Happy Birthday Pop’ on the Etch-A-Sketch. “Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared, “then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch. “And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained. “We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all. “We would get dressed to go to school. Let me tell you about our clothes. “We had to wear whatever my father brought home from work, Eddie. “We wore the toys! “Each day my mother would wake up and open 11 Twister games, Eddie. “She would roll the Twister mats on the floor. “Me and my 11 brothers and sisters “would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit. “Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack and put that around our waist as a belt. “And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning. “And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop “and put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it. “Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits. “And it’s no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat. “Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. It was a goddamn game to these kids. “I’m standing on the corner, “a motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie. “Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food. “I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss, “ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich. “Then, for dessert, they’re gonna pull out a Hostess cupcake “and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky? “A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys, “every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song, “it make me sick to my stomach. “They walk downstairs Alone and in pairs “And make a clinkety sound “A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it’s Slinky “A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy “A Slinky, a Slinky They’re fun for a girl and a boy”

Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you.

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