Shoosh. Shut up. You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual-deviant scum. I’m gonna do this monologue and go into hiding — not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch.
Hello, and welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel. With all these rich, beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives, let’s hope no one spoils that. Relax. I’m going to try and be nice. You’re global megastars with amazing talent — most of you. A few of you just married well. You know who you are. We all do. We all do.
We’re live on NBC — and it’s right that NBC host this awards show because they’re the only network that’s fair and impartial. And that’s because they’re the only network with zero nominations. Nothing in it for them tonight. They don’t care, obviously.
But as I say I’m gonna be nice tonight. I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. But you can’t have everything, can you? Not at the same time.
I am gonna be nice tonight and I’ll tell you why: The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me that if I say anything offensive or crass, or resort to innuendo, he’s gonna come out here and personally pull me off. So, that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. Yes, that is the level: An old man pulling me off.
At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress. What a year he’s had! What an actor, what a role. Every day he has to put on all the women’s clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it. That takes balls. I don’t know how he does it. I really don’t. I’ve seen his balls — they’re huge, and long. I don’t know if he tucked them in the bra or does that thing where you push them out the back and let them hang out, like a bulldog — no one knows. I love Jeffrey Tambor. I don’t know if that’s because he’s such a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan.
One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe — particularly if their film company has already paid for it.
So what’s happened this last year, in this crazy business we call show? The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever.
Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. And she received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?’ There were plumbers around the world going, ‘Poor girl, it’s [inaudible] f—ing hell.’ But all joking aside, of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now that I’m getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year. Now I know there was two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny cause it’s true.
The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight, so that worked a treat, didn’t it? To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again, so was Schindler’s List. It’s just a film.
All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters, there’s gonna be a female remake of Ocean’s Eleven. And this is brilliant for the studios, ’cause they get guaranteed box-office results, and they don’t have to spend too much money on the cast.
If you do win tonight, remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do. OK? Don’t get emotional — it’s embarrassing. That award is — no offense — worthless. It’s a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you. That’s all it is. I’ve got three Golden Globes, myself. One’s a doorstop, one I use to hit burglars with and one I keep by the bed to — doesn’t matter why. It’s mine! I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size. It’s nothing. So to be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes — that I’ve won — up my ass. And they asked me to host four times!