Thank you.

Hello. And hello.

Welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. Its gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast. Wow, whoa. Let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star. Um, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife, as you do, ah, ah. Went to a hotel, got drunked, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard. And that was a Monday! What did he do New Year’s Eve?

Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year. Voted for by the Hollywood foreign press association. It was a big year for 3D movies, Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron. Seems like everything this year was 3-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist. Um, I feel bad about that joke. I, no I’ll tell you what. I’m jumping on the bandwagon cause I haven’t even seen The Tourist. Who has? But no, it must be good cause its nominated so shut up, okay. And I’d like to crush this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is, that is rubbish. That is not the only reason, they also accepted bribes. No, all that happened was some of them were taken to to see Cher in concert. How the hell is that a bribe? Really? Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Cause its not 1975!

There were a lot of big films that were not nominated this year. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. Huh, no, I was sure the Golden Globes special effects would to to the team that airbrushed that poster. Great job. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.

Also not nominated I Love You Phillip Morris, Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologist then. Probably. My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. They’re not here, okay.

There has been some great TV drama this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so uh yeah. Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner. Who ah, is getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year old beauty Christal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him she said cause he lied about his age, he told me he was 94. Oh come on. Don’t worry, hold out. Just, just don’t look at it when you touch it. I warned him.

One of the biggest developments in TV this year was the finale of Lost. One of my favorites. All of the questions were answered. I have to say though, it was quite a complicated finale. I’m not sure I totally understood it all, but from what I can make out the fat one ate them all.

Shall we get on with it?

Our first presenter is beautiful, talented, and Jewish, apparently!

Mel Gibson told me that he’s obsessed!

Please welcome Scarlett Johansen

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