The Hangover… Community… Dr. Ken… Crazy Rich Asians… Give it up for Ken Jeong!
♪ I said the joker is a wanted man ♪
♪ He makes his way all across the land ♪
♪ See him sifting through the sand ♪
♪ So I’ll tell you all the story ♪
♪ About the joker and the thief of the night ♪
Oooooh! Goddamn! Goddamn! Thank you so much! Fuck! Oh, my God, I don’t even know what to say. – This is… – I love you, Ken! I love you too, bitch. I do. This is my first… This is my first stand-up special ever. So, thank you, guys. Ever! This is the club where I got my start, man! It’s… The Ice House is like, amazing. We’re like family. I wanted to do my first Netflix special in a club because every Netflix special you fucking see is in an auditorium. It’s in a big theater. And, I tell you, live comedy begins in the motherfucking clubs. We want to keep that shit real! Club folk. And it’s an honor for me to entertain the lowers.
Now… Anyway, some people may know this, some people not… I used to be a doctor… …at Kaiser-fucking-Permanente. And then I said, “Fuck that shit! I’ll be naked and famous in a movie, make some moolah.” And that is what makes America great. Am I right, guys? My God! My God! I was a general practitioner, all right? We are the dumbest of all doctors, all right? Like, in general, we knew nothing. We’re stupid, okay? Like, if a patient came up to me and said, “What do I have?” “Well, in general, you’re sick, so I’ll refer you to a specificist.” Do you know what I mean? “I don’t know. See someone else. I’m a day drunk, all right? Welcome to Kaiser.” Anyway… I’m kidding. Dude, Dr. Ken, that show I was on… I modeled that HMO after Kaiser. Dude, everything about Kaiser… I owe my livelihood to Kaiser Permanente.
Actually, I met my wife at work, all right? She’s a doctor. She’s Vietnamese. Doctor… Last name, “Ho.” I’m not fucking making that shit up. I married a “Ho,” okay? Dude, that’s like a wet dream to a comic. I can say anything the fuck I want, and it’s street-legal, you know what I mean? “Get in the car, Ho!” I can say that. “Make me some rice, Ho!” “You complete me, Ho.” You know? I can say that because I’m sensitive, by the way. And Koreans, we’re the most sensitive people on the fucking planet. Where are the Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house? Yeah, we are the hottest-tempered of all Asians. We are the angriest of all the… That means “Hello” in Korean. All right, so… You’re Vietnamese? Just out of curiosity, what’s your last name? – Ho. – Ho. Don’t you ever upstage me again, Ho. Don’t you ever be funnier than me, Ho. How dare you? This is my Netflix special, Ho! What’s your first name? – What’s your first name? – Tran. Is your real name… Is your first name “Tran”? My wife’s fucking first name is Tran! – Really? – Yeah, my wife’s fucking first name is Tran-fucking-Ho! What do you do for a living? And if you say “doctor,” I’m going to fuck myself, all right? You’re not a doctor, right? Fuck me. – What the fuck? Is your last… – Ho. Your last… Are you fucking kidding me? Your last name is fucking “Ho”? Fuck you Hos, all right? Fuck the Hos! Someone in the back is fucking with me right now. Because there’s Hos to the left of me, Hos to the right of me. And my real-life wife, Ho, is in the fucking back! This is like… Are you fucking kidding me? This is a Bizarro Ho universe. I don’t know what’s going on. Your last name is also “Ho”? Are you Vietnamese? – No. – Oh, good. Thank God, okay. All right. It wasn’t a complete setup. – What nationality are you? – Singaporean. Singaporean! Crazy-rich Asians in the motherfucker! Fucking Crazy Rich Asians fans! Singapore! Fuck me, man! Thank you, man. Crazy Rich Asians, or as we call it, “Yellow Panther.” Now… Or “Golden Retriever.” I’ll think of… I’ll figure out the animal. “Yellow Kitty.” No, too on the nose.
Now… My God. Fucking Vietnamese… I tell you, the way they talk is just a little bit… A little feyish, a little dandy. You know what I’m saying, right? Vietnamese is Koreans on weed. That’s all I’m saying, okay? And that is how I came up with Chow. Now… I actually would sprinkle in Vietnamese just to make my wife laugh. In the movie, in the first Hangover, when we release Black Doug, that’s all Vietnamese, where I say… They thought that means, “Release Black Doug.” It actually means in Vietnamese, “Chicken, die.” So, it was like… I really was doing stuff to make the Ho laugh, so… And it’s equal-opportunity Hos. You can laugh at that joke, too.
For my first movie… I actually booked this while working at Kaiser. …was Knocked Up, that was directed by Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen. Thank you! The first movie I ever did, and I shot that shit while still having my day job. I shot that during a vacation week because I’m a good fucking Asian. You know what I mean? I’m responsible. And it was the most creatively fulfilling experience of my life at that time, because I got to work with everybody. Anybody who’s anybody is in that movie, dude. You had Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Martin Starr of Silicon Valley, Craig Robinson, Charlyne Yi… You had, like, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig… It was The Avengers of comedy, that’s what that shit was. And I swear to God, the first time I shot my last day of filming, it was such a dream. Judd Apatow said to me, he goes, “You are my discovery. You did such a great job. I’m going to put you in all of my movies.” And he did. So, I would not be here… if it wasn’t for Judd. And then the next day I had to work at Kaiser, you know what I mean? I mean, that’s how I came up with the Chow jizz-toss… “Kaiser.” Toodle-oo, hopes and dreams. You know? Like, can you imagine having a moment like that? Doing a John Apatow film and going back to your day job thinking that you’re stuck. The next day, I could not stop thinking about that. I was like, “Well, maybe right now I’m playing it safe but maybe it’s time for this college kid to turn pro, you know what I mean? Maybe I got to fucking… I got to rethink my life! Maybe this is the time for me to pursue acting, full-time. But, you know, look at me. I know I look like a fucking double-chinned Asian Mr. Burns with bad posture, but I don’t know. I mean, maybe this is the time for me. Maybe this is a sign.” By the way, I’m thinking all this while 50 patients are waiting for me. Not a good look. And my nurse is desperately trying to get me to focus. She goes, “Dr. Jeong, you have a patient in Room 2 waiting for you.” And I’m like, “Well, nurse, you have a doctor who doesn’t give a fuck.” “I just did a movie, Carol! I just did a movie, man. You don’t get it.”
And, believe it or not, I quit my day job the next day. True story. I was scared, man. I was fucking scared. Because I didn’t have any family support. Like, my strict traditional Korean dad who wanted me to be a doctor before I was born… No, he was severely bumping on this shit, dude. He was just cursing me out in Korean. “You bring great shame to Jeong family!” And then after The Hangover… “We are so proud! I knew you’d make it, boy! I knew you’d make it! I believe in you.” “We are so proud of your tiny ding-dong. So proud. The smaller the penis, the bigger the box office!” Thanks, Papa. Great praise, okay. And, yes, for those of you wondering, in The Hangover, yes, that was real in the trunk. I’m a grower not a show-er, all right? It was cold, I swear. All right? It was cold outside, all right? But I’m secure about it. It’s how the pencil writes, bitch. It’s how it writes! Mine can write in cursive. In cursive! Oh my God, calligraphy! Calligraphy! Konnichiwa, bitch!
But I tell you, man, to be Hangover rich and famous as an Asian kid, man… Asian parents, they don’t know how to govern that. You know, my dad went from “father” to “freeloader,” just like that. I swear to God, as a kid, he was like, “You better get me good grades!” After The Hangover, “You better get me S-Class Mercedes! Because E-Class, that’s for fucking farmers.” Okay, Papa. Good.
Dude, I would not be here if it wasn’t for the fucking Hangover. Mr. Chow is the best character I’ve ever played. He’s the funniest character ever. It put me on the map. Dude… Leslie Chow. I mean, it has brought me so much joy. The Hangover is the best thing ever to happen not only to my career, but my fucking life. That’s why I don’t mind getting recognized for Mr. Chow wherever I go. Literally, if anyone asks for a photo or a selfie, I’m always nice about it. If you look on Twitter, I’m always nice doing Mr. Chow stuff because I’m dead inside.
Now… You guys wanna hear some Hangover stories? All right. I live in Los Angeles, the rich part, and I’ll tell you… Where? I’m not going to tell you where, bitch. I’m not going to tell you I live in Calabasas. Don’t worry, I can say it. It’s a gated community. It’s fine. You ain’t getting in. It’s fine. You ain’t getting in, bitch. Okay, I was at a Wells Fargo ATM, withdrawing some cash. A lot of cash! And this middle-aged white guy, this, like, motherfucking guy with a bald head… No offense, dude. I’m just like… Hey, I’m sorry. Oh, my God. Dennis, get a load of this guy. Oh, my God, that’s fucking Locke from Lost over there. Oh, my God, he’s got the secret to the hatch! Look at that guy! Fucking Lost. Oh, my God. He’s like an ugly Locke from Lost. And I’m an ugly Daniel Dae Kim, so it all works out fine. Daniel Dae “Chins,” maybe. And this fucking white “Ho” – looking motherfucker is looking at me from a sedan with the window half-cracked open. True story. He’s staring at me, and I’m withdrawing some cash. Staring at me, withdrawing some cash. Staring at me, withdrawing some cash. The light turns green so he can go, “Toodle-oo, motherfucker!” Every fucking day, you know what I mean?
I was on a plane promoting Hangover II. First class. And, uh… True story. There’s a person in the back of the plane and there were concerns he may have had a stroke. He had some vertigo, he had some dizziness, some weakness, a little bit of slurred speech, and the flight attendant was understandably panicked. “Is there a doctor on the plane? Is there a doctor on the plane?” So, you know, I raise my hand and I was like, “Well, I, um… Well, it’s complicated but…” “But I used to be a doctor.” She was like, “Sit down, Chow. Jesus.” “Catch that, Phyllis?” Everyone’s laughing at me on the plane. Dude, even the strokie in the back of the plane… Making a bubble with his drool or something. But I was promoting Hangover II, which, actually, I think is my favorite Hangover movie, because the cinematography was absolutely amazing in Bangkok, Thailand. Anyone from Thailand? Oh, really? – Yeah. – You’re a Thai! – That’s awesome. Where are you from? – Bangkok. Bangkok! You look so cute! Look! Natey, get a shot of him, man! Look at that! You know what I call this? You know what I call this? Son of Chow. He looks amazing. Own that shit, boy. – What’s your name, man? – Mike. Mike. What’s your last name? Bayakorbachik. You’re not Thai. You’re Jewish. I mean, what do you think, Tran? Do you think that’s legit? I don’t know. You’re kind of my wife, now. I don’t know.
Why do I feel like the Asians are getting back at me for some reason? Not to get off on a fucking tangent, dude. This is not even related. But you know what? I got so much shit from the Asian community for the first Hangover. That was controversial at that time, like, 10 years ago. Because, seriously, I had fucking Asian haters, dude. Asian haters on the internet, they’re the fucking worst, dude. White trolls are bad. But Asian trolls, they’re the stickiest, dude. No, no. For real. This is a real comment. I’m not making this up. This is a real comment from someone on Reddit, and is still up there, all right? You can look it up. “Ken, if I ever see you in public, I will choke you within a few seconds from death with my bare hands. Fuck you, you piece of shit do-anything-for-a-dollar whore.” And that was my mom, all right? I tell you, these fucking Asian haters, man. They hate themselves, dude. They fucking hated the fact I had a thick accent and I had a small penis, dude. I was born with that shit! That’s not a stereotype! That’s fucking real to me! How are they mad? And they want me to apologize for that? What do I say? “Me so sorry?” I don’t know what to say! My God! Dude, I get so much shit for The Hangover! I did a lot of social justice in The Hangover! I was a social justice warrior in that shit. Think about that. I jumped out of a trunk and beat up the white man three times, all right? I should be the fucking Malcolm X of my community. Not yellow Urkel, all right?
There are Asian teenage boys that actually blame me. They think they can’t get laid by white women because somehow my small dick has scared the white chick away. People say that about me! Dude, stop rejecting this papa shit. Maybe you’re too bold like your father, never satisfied like your mother, and that, bitch, is when doves cry, okay?
I loved shooting in Bangkok. We were there for two months. I went with my wife and we were there… Remember that, sweetie? I remember that. Good times, right? And, in the photo credits at the end, when you’re looking at the forgotten night, there’s a stripper, a nude stripper that has a ping pong ball. I don’t know if you remember that scene. She has a ping pong ball, and she’s putting that up her hootch, and it’s coming out like she’s the Serena Williams of pussy pong. It was a sight to behold. Like, boom, boom, boom. And I’m not even kidding, on the first take, it hit Bradley Cooper in the mouth. I’m not even kidding. That is gospel. And then, stupid me, I’m going, “Syphilis, hot boy!” ‘Cause that’s what I do. You know what I mean? That’s what I do, you know?
But my whole point is, a lot of people are asking like, you know, “Do you have to do medicine on a movie set or in a comedy club or anything?” All the fucking time. I always have… Dude, so many times I go into doctor mode. It’s like Godfather 3. “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in,” you know? Everywhere, you know? Recently, I was at a club in Phoenix. I don’t know if you heard about this. A lady in the third row had a seizure in one of my stand-up shows. It wasn’t because of a bad joke, I’m just saying… But TMZ reported this, and my publicist didn’t want me to talk about it, which I didn’t. But I want you to hear, for the first time, on Netflix, me talk about it in my own words, all right? I’m making fun of people like I normally do in my act. “Hos to the left of me, Hos to the right to me…” So I’m doing my schtick, like Asian Don Rickles, and there’s a lady… There was a lady in the third row, and she was, like, “Mr. Chow! Mr. Chow!” I’m, like, “Calm down, bitches. I’ll get to you, it’ll be fine.” And they were, like, “No, someone passed out.” And a lady fell down off her chair and she was just completely out. And I dropped the mic, and I rushed over there, and went into “doctor” mode, and it was the most surreal, sublime experience ever, because I’m no longer a comedian, I’m a doctor. And the whole comedy club were no longer like a comedy club audience. We’re like an ER of, like, nurses and aides trying to help her out. It was so fucking amazing. And I’m thinking to myself, like, “Oh my God, I may have to do CPR on this person.” And I have to assess the ABCs before you do CPR. You know, “Airway,” “Breathing,” “Circulation.” Not “Always Be Closing.” It’s a different thing. And I actually… If you go on YouTube, I have done work with the American Heart Association, teaching medical students and nurses how to do hands-only compression CPR. You don’t have to do mouth-to-mouth anymore. So it’s true. This is a medical fact. I have two medical facts, all right? Number one… The number one medical fact, look, if you’re ever in the position where unfortunately, you may have to do CPR, you do chest compressions to the beat of “Stayin’ Alive,” all right? It’s like, Ah, ah, ah, ah, Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive It’s true. And I’m thinking to myself, “Am I gonna have to Bee Gee this bitch?” And then, fortunately, I did not have to. She got up quickly. She had what they call a “petit mal” seizure. She’s on medication and she had a history of epilepsy. By the way, she allowed me to tell this story. Her name is Christy. I actually flew her out to one of my shows in New York. She is doing fine. So everything… Happy ending alert. Everything is good. But when we sat her up, we actually did a mental status exam with an audience member who happened to be a paramedic, and we were asking her questions because she’s a little bit confused after the seizure. She was like, “What’s your name?” “Christy.” “Where are you?” “Phoenix.” “Who are you here to see?” And then she turns and looks at me, and then she vomits. So, it’s a normal response. And within minutes, the paramedics take care of her and she’s fine. My whole point is, if you don’t like any of my shit, you don’t have to have a fucking seizure, and a fucking… You can just walk out, bitch. I already got paid. I already got the check. And you know what? That’s not even my worst seizure tale, all right?
Dude, I did Ride Along 2 with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, and we were shooting in a nightclub in Atlanta. Four hundred background actors in a nightclub and a person has a severe generalized tonic-clonic seizure and the whole nightclub clears out. So, I’m running towards the patient and Ice Cube, who is the baddest motherfucker on the planet… He’s amazing! He’s fucking running towards the patient, too, We’re like two outfielders going for the same ball. And I tell you, he’s taking out a belt. I’m like, “Whoa, you don’t whip the patient, Cube! No!” I don’t know him. I’m more of a Reba McEntire fan. And he’s running out to the patient, and he gets to him before I do. He puts the belt around the patient’s mouth, so he wouldn’t choke on his tongue. Ice Cube, not me, saved the patient’s life. It was amazing! Just a shout-out to Cube. And to make small talk, I was like, “So, Ice Cube, I guess that was a good day.” While Kevin Hart ran away. “Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Oh, my God! Snap, crackle, pop! I gotta get the fuck out of here!” “Calm down, your snappy midget! Everything is fine.” Everything.
And by the way, it was Kevin Hart who actually got me into doing stand-up again in the first place. No joke. Yes. Shout-out to Kevin. He’s one of my dear friends. He’s one of my favorite guys in comedy because he’s the only one shorter than me. He literally would give me advice. I mean, Kevin, literally, every day on Ride Along 2, he would just remind me, “You got to do stand-up.” Because we go back 15 years. And I love when Kevin Hart gives me advice because he’s the only guy looking up, you know what I mean? It’s just so great. And I call him “Rice Krispies” because he’s just always making snap-crackle-pop noises wherever he goes. “Oh, man, Ken! Snap, crackle, pop, man! You gotta go back! Gotta go back and do stand-up, man! You’re leaving millions on the table, man! Snap, crackle, pop, ping, pang, pow! Ping, pang, pow! You gotta do that! You gotta do stand-up, and do it like this! And then you gotta do it like this! Then maybe you can do it like this! I gotta do it, man! Ping, pang, pow!” I was like, “Oh, you’re so cute. Of course I’ll do it for you. I will do it, you’re so cute. Come here, give me a hug.”
A lot of people ask me, like, “Do you still practice medicine?” I’m like, you know, “Why?” I mean, look at me, dude. Like, yeah, sure, I want to get sued every chance I get. At Kaiser, depositions were my jam. Sure, my wife’s also a doctor. Yeah, sure, we want to work every other week, every major holiday. We would never see each other, sure. I want that lifestyle back. Yeah, sure, I want to voluntarily put my finger up the holes of every patient that I see, willy-fucking-nilly. Dude, I’m Hollywood, bitch. I got out of Shawshank, all right? West Side! But I will say shit doctors are afraid to say, all right? Just a couple of tips. Stop Googling your shit before you see the doctor. It never works! I had a patient come up to me, and the patient was like, “Oh, I looked it up online, I have right-sided pain. It’s an ovarian cyst.” “You’re a dude. Knock it off, all right?” Okay, ladies… Okay, get ready, all right? Ladies, when you see your doctor for a pap smear, and this is with all due respect, make it presentable. That’s all we’re saying. Less Chewbacca, more Ewok, all right? We don’t want That ’70s Show up in here. You don’t want to have what we call a General Ackbar situation from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. You know that fish-mouthed alien? That was named after a dank vajayjay. It was. Because when you put your speculum in, it goes, “It’s a trap!” You don’t want that.
So, to answer your question… No, I don’t do medicine anymore. No, man, I’ve gotten to meet everybody from The Hangover. I mean, literally, I just got to meet everybody I’ve ever wanted to meet. I got to meet my favorite actor in the world, Tom Hanks, at the Golden Globes. That was amazing. He’s my favorite actor in the world. By the way, did you think that my voice as Mr. Chow was my real accent? Okay. Tom Hanks… I met him, I said hello. And Tom was, like, “Really? You don’t talk like that?” I’m like. “Really, fucking Forrest Gump? Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you walk around carrying a box of fucking chocolates while talking to a Wilson volleyball, you Cast Away motherfucker?
I got to meet presidents because of The Hangover. I met Bill Clinton while we were doing Hangover II. We were in Bangkok. Clinton was also in Bangkok, doing God-knows-what. That’s Slick Willie for you, you know what I mean? If Obama is a high school principal, Bill Clinton is a PE coach slipping you some ganja, going, “Don’t tell anyone, okay?” But he has the highest IQ of any modern-day US president. He’s a political genius. There is no one more politically smart than Bill Clinton. He is so convincing, he is so charismatic, he is so engaging. I went to a fundraiser… He was so persuasive, I would suck his dick. I really would. Just give me a blue dress. I fucking dare you. I’m sucking his dick for freedom, guys. And jiggling his balls for the environment.
I got to meet Obama, which was amazing. Yes! Obama. Not Barack. His half-brother Fred who runs a Macy’s in Queens. Now… No, I got to meet Obama with Zach Galifianakis who played Alan in The Hangover, who by the way… Zach Galifianakis is the funniest motherfucker alive. He’s my favorite actor I’ve ever worked with because… Like Kevin Hart, we all go way back doing stand-up comedy. And when he was doing it, I always hated following him because he was always the funniest guy in the room. But here we are at the White House, meeting the sitting president of the United States and I have to follow him again. I’m like, “Fuck, dude!” Because Zach comes with jokes, man. He comes loaded with jokes, and this is the first time Obama and Zach had met before they did the Between Two Ferns thing. So they were instantly… Dude, they were on. They were simpatico. I was watching their fucking comedy kinship from the beginning. Zach whips out a two-dollar bill, and goes, “Do you have change for this, for this photo session?” and Obama is laughing so hard, going, “Very droll, Zach, Very droll.” And I’m standing to the side in a suit and a tie because I’m a good fucking Asian, you know what I mean? I’m standing with a suit and a tie and I’m having what I call my “Google Image resting face,” all right? Because when you Google-Image search me, you always get this… And by the way, when it says “Wear a suit and a tie,” that’s what you do, you know? Zach is such a rock star, he’s wearing a T-shirt, Toughskins and some fucking Crocs and he’s like POTUS’s favorite son, all of a sudden. And then it’s my turn. I can’t follow him. I don’t have jokes. I just want to do my photo and get the fuck out of there. Obama’s like… He looks at the card. I don’t know if he knows who I am. He’s looking at me. I’m right there. Secret Service is right there. He goes, “Oh.” And he does his whole drawl… “Oh, it’s Ken! Hmm, yeah. We like Ken, don’t we?” I’m like, “What?” So, I walk in, he puts his arm around me, and I’m just… Same face. And he’s disappointed at me because, unlike Zach, I’m not doing anything. His exact words, “Come on, man. Loosen up, man. You’re a little stiff, man.” Literally, Galifianakis comes in and he goes, “This is how you entertain the president, Ken.” And he and Obama proceed to verbally roast me for five minutes. It was a roast battle. It was like fucking Jeselnik and Ross. Like, fucking… It was like… They were telling me to loosen up. And I’m like, “Well, I suppose I could loosen up my tie.” And Obama, I swear to God, he said the driest… He said, “No, I’ve seen your work. No nudity. It’s a family affair, a family show.” And that’s why I voted for Trump. Now… Because he’s a great guy. Not racist, rarely tweets.
I got a Trump story, too, man. I had a… I could have met him. We were both booked to be on Jimmy Fallon together, a couple of years ago, when he was a presumptive Republican nominee, and I was the second guest. Dude, I am scared of Trump. Asians are fucking scared of Trump like Godzilla. We are just fucking scared. Dude, when Trump got elected, my daughter Zoey… She was just like, “Oh, my God. Do we have to bow to him?” I swear to God. And I’m, like,, “Yes. Yes, you do, Zoey.” Get your “bow” game on, bitch. He’s the president, all right? But I was so scared to meet him. I’m really frightened to meet him. And they’re like, fucking, “Why, dude?” I’m like, “Think about it, okay?” Stay with me for a second, all right? He’s a big Hangover fan, and wanted to meet me. He’s seen my fucking big bush in The Hangover, all right? He’s seen me naked. He’s seen my shiitake mushroom. You know what I mean? Just stay with me. What if he gets really horny and shit? You just don’t know. Horny or hangry or whatever the fuck he gets. When he gets aroused, all that Access Hollywood shit came out. What if he wants to grab my almost-pussy, guys? I don’t want to get “Me Too-ed” ‘ by the president! And that is when Ken Jeong became woke. You know, you don’t want that. Don’t worry, that’s not going to make it in the special. It’ll be fine. Because I don’t think he’s going to be around for that long, so… I swear to fucking God.
When Obama is speaking, he goes, “How hard is it to condemn Nazism? How hard is it after Charlottesville to condemn racism?” You know, he’s appeasing to his racist alt-right base and shit. Even the racists are like, “Dude, tone it down, Donnie! Dude, we get it!” Even David Duke, “Whoa, save some racism for us! We get it. This is not how you’re racist.” For real, I was in Palm Springs, all right? Two hours south of here, thinking that would be safe, and I got fucking heckled by a Trump white-trash supporter, man. I’ve never been heckled by white trash before! I was just like… And it gave me no end of pleasure to say, “As a minority millionaire…” …you can suck on these Chinese nuts!” “And I’m Korean.” All right, all right. Gonna get all that… We’ll shake that off, shake that off. I’ll be back as Mr. Chow, Mr. Chow, Mr. Chow.
You guys watch Dr. Ken? – Yeah! And that’s why it got canceled. Now… If I’m going to be honest with you right now… This is the most honest I’ll ever be, right now… It is like… Seriously, our show got canceled about a year ago, and I honestly am still down about it. I am so sad about it. I created that show. I was a writer on that show, executive producer on that show. We had five Asian-American people of color on an ABC series. It was my biggest accomplishment of my career. And I’ll tell you, as a guy who had 44 episodes of that show and I put my heart and life and blood and sweat into that show. What could be worse? I mean, this was like the worst thing that ever happened to a Hollywood guy, losing his Hollywood show. How life could get… How worse could life get than that? So there I am, sobbing in my mansion, eating some Pad Thai yelling at my houseboy. And I don’t have any gigs upcoming. I don’t have anything. I have nothing planned. I was like, “Jesus Christ. I hope I don’t have to go back and do stand-up at the Ice House or something.” I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. You know what I mean? I would hate that.
But then the moment Dr. Ken got canceled, I got a call from the director of Crazy Rich Asians. And literally within an hour, I’m on a plane to Singapore, a 17-hour flight… And, by the way… To shoot my first scene in Crazy Rich Asians… And, by the way, that movie is the first all-Asian-American cast… Twenty-five years in a Hollywood film… …since The Joy Luck Club. Think about this, my first scene I shot that movie, the first scene, 24 hours prior, Dr. Ken had just been canceled. So, to me, that’s all I see when I see that movie. And that movie got me through everything. Because you know what? Director Jon M. Chu let me improvise. All that shit was just off the top of my head. Me and… Me and Aquafina… Aquafina… is my daughter. I love her so much. I’m Papa-fina to her Aquafina. We both improvised that shit. I mean, we were just on a fucking… It was so therapeutic. None of that shit was in the script. Cal State Fullerton is my… You know what I mean? That’s my new “Toodle-oo, motherfuckers,” you know what I mean? But it was amazing that I got to improvise that whole scene and get away with it. I mean, it was, like, crazy. We didn’t pay attention to the script to the point where the director was like, “What the fuck,” you know? And then you jump-cut a year later. It is the number one movie, three weeks in a row. Insane. None of us expected that. To have so much representation on the screen means everything to me, because that’s all I wanted Dr. Ken to be. I wanted Dr. Ken to show more Asian-Americans on the screen, and in Crazy Rich Asians, they did it in such grand style. Crazy Rich Asians actually allowed me to let go of Dr. Ken. So, everything’s so full-circle and so therapeutic. And what makes it even more full circle is that the director of Crazy Rich Asians is in the back, directing my Netflix special right now. All right, you don’t have to clap that fucking hard, all right? It’s my fucking show. All right, my whole point is, the moral of the story is that I’m a rich person who just got richer. Now… Yay, me. Yay, me. Uptown problems.
All right. This is how comedians fucking get ready for their big show. They have a list of jokes, because this is how a real comedian does it. You know, I’m just gonna… You’ll see me just look at some of my stuff, like a good fucking Asian. Just kind of like a… After Dr. Ken, I had a lot of free time, so I actually went and did jury duty in Van Nuys. And what is the point of being famous if you can’t get out of fucking jury duty? True story, it was a murder trial. The defendant recognized me. And he looks at me, like… “Oh, shit!” “But did you die?” “Your honor, sidebar, your honor, please. Your honor, I can’t serve on this jury. I can’t put a fan in jail. It’ll ruin my brand, all right?” And she’s like, “Trust me, a lot of your fans are in the clink, so…” Nailed it.
What I loved about doing Dr. Ken is that I got to actually put my daughter on the show. I actually have two kids. I have two daughters. Alexa, named after the Amazon Echo… and Zoey, named after Kravitz or Deschanel, depending if you’re black or white. Now… I got Zoey on the show. She played the stalker to my TV son. And her name was Emily and she is funnier than me. I actually am kind of like a… I’m like a tiger mom of Asian… Like, I want my daughter to be an actor, I won’t lie to you. Because I think she’s funnier than me and I was really wanting her to… And she was so good on the show, to the point that ABC wanted to make her a series regular. It was so exciting. I went up to Zoey. I said, “Oh, my God!” Isn’t it amazing? Do you want to be on more Dr. Ken?” She was like, “Do I have to?” Like, what the fuck? “You got a fresh-off-the-boat offer I don’t know about, or…?” “Are you leveraging me to get on Black-ish, bitch? I mean…” No, it turned out she just wants to be a normal kid, man. She just doesn’t even want to be an actor. She just wants to chart her own path, not unlike me when I told my father I wanted to chart my own path. So, far be it for me to deny my daughter that opportunity. So I wrote her out of the show and it was a great exit scene, and my wife and I were just standing, watching her. She did such an amazing job and as a father, I couldn’t be more proud of my independent daughter. But as a producer, if she ever decides to get back in the game, I’ll fucking crush her, all right?
I get a lot of stuff where people think I’m kind of the model minority and it’s a lot of… I don’t know. I guess it’s a little heavy for me because, think about it… Like, oh, you’re a doctor, you’re an actor, you’re a comedian, you’re an Instagram model. You can do all of these things. And the truth of the matter, man… Like, no, when I was in med school, dude, I almost failed out of med school three times, dude. I was not a smart medical student. I actually failed my board entrance exams, like, three times. I mean, dude, they’re all multiple choice, eight-hour test and I just couldn’t do well on those exams. Those tests are fucking racially biased, all right? Against Asian students who don’t study very hard. Now… And I felt like, you know… I felt like a phony just walking around the halls of the hospital in med school. I felt like I got in only because it was my birthright. You know what I mean? I mean, here’s my interview for med school. So, Ken, tell me about yourself. – Well, I’m Korean. – Stop. Congratulations, you’re in. – That’s it? – That’s it. Small-dick scholarship.
But I think that’s why I worked so hard as a physician. I worked at Kaiser Permanente for seven years, and I really did. I was very hardcore. I never joked around with my patients. I took that shit very, very seriously because everyone was like, “You always joke.” How about, “You never joked around?” I’m like, “No.” They were, “Come on, man, laughter is the best medicine.” “No, fuck that. Medicine is the best medicine! All right? Have you ever tried Klonopin? It’s amazing!” You know? And it’s not like I was like fucking Patch Adams or some shit like that, like a fucking clown. It’s not like I went up to some people and go, “Oh, you got herpes, but I got your nose! Honk! Honk!”
Getting back to my wife. We’ve been together long time, right? A long time. I’ve been pimpin’ that Ho for 16 years, and… You know? And you know what? I love you so much. The pimping was easy. It was. You know what I miss about Tran? I miss, like… I was just thinking about this the other day. When we were engaged, you know, we were motivated as a couple, you know, we were just trying to impress each other and, quite frankly, we’re very, very different, okay? We’re very different on the surface, because she’s, like, from San Francisco. She’s uptown, she’s cosmopolitan, well-read. She’s very, very cultured. Me, I’m a redneck from North Carolina who loves wrestling, all right? So we’re a little different, even though… And the thing is, to impress her… She’s a big sci-fi fan. So, I read all three Lord of the Rings books just to show her I could fucking read. Well, I didn’t read it. I read the Cliff Notes. Well, most of the Cliff Notes. Most of it. And she’s also very outdoorsy and, like, you know. So we go for a hike in Eagle Rock and do all that shit. Eagle Rock! Exactly. All right, thank you. You live in Eagle Rock? – Yeah, I do. – That’s so cool, man. Can I get back to my story now? I’m kidding. Not even… She’s very outdoorsy and she loves to go hiking. We would go to Eagle Rock and shit like that. It was a lot. We actually went camping at Yosemite for, like, 10 days. I fucking hate camping, all right? I fucking hate that. I mean, who wants to take a shit in the woods, – you know what I mean? – Yeah! Think about that! Who wants to… Really? You love doing that? You like digging a hole and taking a fucking shit in the woods and putting that dirt back on? That’s your idea of fun? Not me. I’m more of a Four Seasons type of gal, all right? Not me, guys. I won’t even glamp as a millionaire, okay?
But that’s the thing. That’s the fun of the courtship, because you really want to prove yourself. And, you know, everything changes the moment we got married. And the moment I fucking trapped her. And it was just… Because when we got home from our honeymoon, she was looking at the calendar. “Oh, my God. I was just thinking, honey, you love camping so much, maybe we should go back to Yosemite next month.” I’m like, “Oh, no, I paid my dues, Ho. Off to the cinema!”
All right guys, to be brutally honest, man, I wanted to do stand-up because… You know, throughout the last 10 years of my life, you have highs and lows, and everything is all good. And then you realize, man, I’m nothing without my wife. I’m nothing without my family. It’s true. And the reason why I chose the Ice House is because, for the very first time that Tran saw me do comedy, it was right here at the Ice House. That’s the reason why I wanted to do it. It’s full circle. And my wife Tran is a breast cancer survivor, going on 10 years cancer-free. Ten years, cancer-free. And she is the strongest person I know, all right? All right, here is her story. Tran was breastfeeding Alexa and Zoey when they were one year old and she found a lump on her breast, all right? And then we had to get it biopsied and it turned out to be benign, according to the path report. And we were fine with that. This is great, it was benign. We’re both doctors. Okay, we’ll see what it is. Maybe it’s an infection, maybe it’s something else. And it got bigger, and it got bigger and bigger. And it wasn’t getting better with antibiotics or supportive therapy. We got it re-biopsied, actually, and it came back Stage 3 triple-negative breast cancer, with a 23% chance of survival. Spoiler alert! She’s here right now, she’s healthy. She’s doing great. She’s doing great. You are the strongest person that I know, because two days before she started her chemotherapy, where she would lose all of her hair and become really weak, she decided, she took her eight-hour standardized board exam, the one that I failed, and she passed it with flying colors! And I’m thinking to myself, “That Ho,” you know? It’s just so great. And she has had… She’s such a champ. She has the presence of mind. She goes, “You know what? I’m going to beat the cancer, so I might as well beat that exam.” She is so clutch, man. She was like Reggie Miller against the Knicks in ’95, where she’s scoring, like, fucking eight points to beat… She’s a Vietnamese Reggie Miller, that’s what she is. Or she’s Vietnamese John Cena, but she didn’t do this fucking bullshit. You know what I mean? Sidebar.
By the way, I hosted WWE Raw with John Cena years ago and WWE asked me to host. They’re like, “Do you want to do this?” “Sure, I’m an actor. I fake, wrestling’s fake. What could go wrong, all right?” And then, on the day, John Cena lifts me up for a body slam, throws me over the top rope and the five motherfuckers who were supposed to catch me… didn’t. Wrestling is fucking real. He throws me over the top rope, I hit the concrete, my head hits the wooden plank. You hear the sound of my head hitting the plank. I had to call Tran after Raw went off the air to assure her I’m okay. My whole point is, John Cena absolutely sucks. He does, I’m just saying.
But getting back to my wife, a fucking miracle happened. After the first dose of chemotherapy, after the first dose of adriamycin, all her cancer went away. It was amazing. We did a blood test, all normal. We did an MRI, all normal. PET scan, CAT scan, ultrasound mammogram, all normal. It was a miracle from God, Allah, Oprah or Tom Cruise. I tell you… I think it was Tommy, I really do. Which brings me, by the way, to my next point, or my next medical tip. All right, dude, if any woman who wants to get a mammogram for any reason, ask your doctor to get a mammogram. If you’re concerned about breast cancer, ask your doctor for a mammogram for any reason. And if that doctor says you can’t get a mammogram because you don’t fall under the criteria, go to another fucking doctor who will get you that mammogram, all right? That’s what I’m passionate about. We got to stand up to cancer. And that’s what we got to do.
And it was at the same point where we found out Tran’s cancer was gone I got offered the part of Mr. Chow in The Hangover. And I turned it down, actually, because Tran had 12 more rounds of chemo to go. You have to go full circle with that. You got to go, more chemo, more radiation, more procedures. And I’m like, “No, I don’t want to leave my family.” Tran was, like, “You got to do this. It’s only like a four-day trip out in Vegas, you’ll be fine. This will be healthy for you. You and I both know on the inside tip that the cancer is gone.” I’m like, “No, I don’t think I can do that.” And it was actually Todd Phillips, the writer-director of The Hangover. He did Old School with Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell. He convinced me to do the movie. Directors are, by nature, like, fucking geniuses or evil manipulators. That’s what they are. Like, in Hangover III, I was doing a scene with John Goodman in a Bangkok prison, and I was just doing this scene, and there’s a Thai toddler who’s, like, three years old, and basically I was, like, trying to do some improv in my acting, hoping that scene will make it in. So I look at the toddler, I surprise him, I go, “What are you looking at, you little shit?” And he starts crying. You know, it was, like… So, it didn’t make it into the movie. And then, so, Todd comes out of the video booth. Like, “Chow, come on!” And he’s, like, yelling at me like a dog. He never calls me “Ken.” He’s like, “Bad Chow! Bad Chow,” like a dog. If he had a newspaper, he’d hit me with it. And it was, like, “Apologize!” I said, “I am so sorry.” “Apologize to the mother!” – “I am so sorry.” – “Good!” And then he turns around and whispers in my ear, “Do it again. Amazing.” By the way, it was my idea to get naked in The Hangover. Did you guys know that? Yup, that’s right. Ha-ha! My wife said it’ll be the feel-good movie of the summer, because every guy will go home feeling good about themselves. That’s my Ho, so…
But if anyone, like, kind of broke me out of my depression, it was Todd Phillips. And, by the way, like, I didn’t cry for six months, you know, because I wanted to be strong for my family and I actually prescribed myself antidepressants. Of all the shit I could prescribe myself, like weed, oxycodone, all these drugs… Even the pharmacist looked at my script, said, “Celexa? Pussy!” You know? “Wow, this is the most aggressive Rite Aid I’ve ever been to.” And when you’re on an antidepressant, you can’t cry. Lord knows I tried. I tried stabbing myself in the balls, manipulating my taint. Most of my approaches were genital-based. Now… But if anyone broke me out of that spiral and made me cry, it was Todd Phillips. This guy fucking saved my life, ’cause he went to me… Every day, he would say, like… Because he comes from a family of oncologists, he knew the situation. He said, “Look, we don’t have to finish the movie with you in it. We can always do pickups and reshoots around you.” This is a big, blockbuster Hollywood movie. No director will ever offer this, but he said to me, “I will make sure that I’ll fly you from Vegas to LA every time Tran has her chemo.” And he did. He did not have to do that. It was amazing. And on the last day of filming, Bradley Cooper actually drove me from Vegas to LA to see Tran and to see how she was doing. These guys… Go back full-circle, Everyone’s like, “Why do you love The Hangover so much?” Why is it the best thing that ever happened in my life? Because it saved my fucking life, all right? It was so therapeutic to me. Even if I wasn’t rich and famous, which I am. And on my last day of filming, I got really emotional, and for the first time in months, I just started breaking down and crying. I was like, “Thank you so much, man. You know, you have no idea what you did for me.” And I was just teary-eyed, and I went in for a hug. And Todd’s just like… because he’s not a hugger. I’m like, “What the fuck, dude? I just bared my soul to you.” He goes… I was like, “What the…?” And then I realized my dick was on his thigh.
My whole point is, like my dick, life is short, all right, guys? Take chances, be brave. Long story short, Tran is here doing well. Ten years cancer-free. Our kids are doing great. There are new Hos sprouting up everywhere across the land. And I have my first Netflix special because of you guys. For a bit of nostalgia, I love to do selfie videos at the end of every show to encapsulate this. So I just want to kind of do this really quick for you guys. It’s like doing a movie. It’s a lot of fun. Guys, Ice House! Doing my first Netflix special! You guys have a good time? Wow, let me meet some people. This is a Ho. And this is a Ho. But my favorite Ho is in the back. And this is my favorite club. Love you, Ice House! Love you, Netflix! Toodle-oo, motherfuckers! Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Love you guys.
Dana Lee! Why don’t you stand up, man? He played my father, DK. Come on! Come on up here, Dana. Come on up here. – You gonna cut this? – Oh, fuck, yeah, I’m gonna cut this. No, you’re not gonna be in this. And, by the way, one of the stars of The Joy Luck Club is here. We’ll just get a camera on her. I know she doesn’t want it. Give it up her for Ming-Na, right there. See, Dana? She didn’t come up here like a whore, and just like… And to make things even more full-circle, the director of my Netflix special, Jon Chu… is right here. All right, dude, you don’t have to fucking stand for him, you know what I mean? I just wanted you guys to wave, man. This is my fucking show, Jon. What the fuck?