It’s been 23 years since I did a comedy special. And we’re on our way now… to the club where I’m gonna do it. It’s the club where I started at. It’s the Comedy Cellar. It was my home club… thirty years ago. Thirty-two, actually. And… I used to come here from Queens every night. Drive in… at least six nights a week. And hang at the Cellar and do spots. So, that’s what we’re gonna do. I figured, you know what? Let’s do it there. Let’s do it at the Comedy Cellar, and let’s kinda… Let’s do it like a… like a guest spot. It’s a little bit… I’m a little worried about it because there’s no guarantee… that it’s gonna be a great audience. But there’s an energy, there’s a cool energy to not knowing… what you’re gonna get. Then… they have the Village Underground also, they own the Village Underground and that was a music club. But the comedy became so popular that they converted it to comedy. So, we’re gonna do that. I think we’re gonna go into the Cellar, unannounced, and do a set, and then walk right around the corner. It’s right around the corner. Village Underground. Do a set there. Now, hey, hey, hey! What’s up, what’s up? How are you? How are you? There you go. That’s New York. How are you? Hi. I don’t know who I am. All right. How are we doing… timewise? – We’re on time, completely. – So what do I have, like…? – So, Gary Vider just went up, so you’re… – Oh, he just went up? Yeah, you’re gonna go after him. – Okay. – Okay? – He’s doing… – He’s doing ten. – Ten? – Yep. – All right. – All right. Sorry, gentleman, I’m sorry. I apologize. What’s up, man, how are ya? I appreciate it. You gonna light ’em up in a minute? One minute? Okay, cool. How are they? Awesome. You don’t gotta say that if it ain’t true. – They’re very good. – All right, cool. All right, let me get down there. Let me get down there. All right, here we go. See you guys. Yeah. Gary Vider, everybody! – Can I get a water? – Water? All right.
So one of the great things about the Comedy Cellar is sometimes we have special guests that drop in. How does that sound? Please help me welcome to the stage, Ray Romano. Whoa. Oh, stop, stop, stop… Please. Oh, no. Oh my, oh my… We are both gonna be disappointed a little bit. We can’t live… you can’t and I can’t live up to that, but all right. Thank you so much. Thank you. Good to be here, good to be back. Here, this is where it all started, folks, long time ago. A long time ago. You weren’t born yet, buddy. You were not born. – You weren’t born. How old are you? – Twenty-three. Oh, man, I was here for ten years by the time you were born. You weren’t born. You weren’t in the country my friend. You were not… You were on the no-fly list when I started working here. All right, good to come back, see my friends. Here’s the thing about friends. When you have a TV show, and you will, we all get one. No, seriously, folks. It’s like jury duty. You’re gonna get a show. But you’re gonna have friends, man. You gonna have a lot of friends. And it’s all right. It’s a good problem, but I don’t have time for my own friends. But here’s what I’ve learned. I’m older now. I’m, I’m over fifty. Here’s what I’ve learned about life. Now that I’m over fifty, I’ll make the time to be your friend. If you’re a doctor. That’s no bullshit. I want… Who’s a doctor? There’s doctors here. Law of averages. What are you? What kind? Uh, interventional radiology. I don’t know what that is, but we’re going golfing. It sounds good, you know shit. You know shit. Stock up on doctor friends, I’m telling you. Get his card ’cause you’re gonna need him. You get to a certain age, every day something happens. Every day! The other day, I woke up with a sprained ankle. What happened? No, but what happened? I went to bed. I was fine. I was fine when I got in bed. What is happening?
I’m not gay, but if a gay doctor ever made a move on me, I don’t know, man. I swear to God. I don’t know. That’s where I’m at. That is where I’m at. I’m telling you the truth. If he has an MRI, I’m sleeping over at his house. I want doctor friends. You get older. As you get older, you need different friends. Like when you’re a teenager, the one friend you need is the first kid who has a car. You gotta buddy up to that kid, right? Yeah, and then you hit your twenties… new kid now. Usually a sketchy kid. He can get… Yeah, he can get shit. You don’t know how he gets stuff. You don’t ask, all you know is all the sudden he can get you tickets to REO Speedwagon. Yeah, you don’t know what I’m talking about. This table knows. That table knows. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m meant Coachella… Coachella tickets. I’m sorry. And then thirties… Thirties and forties, new friends. Lawyer. You have to lawyer up now. Yes, find a good lawyer, ’cause that’s when it all happens. That’s… you get a divorce. You, you gotta… You gotta get a picture of your dick off the internet all of a sudden. What happened? All of a sudden, I hit a button. I hit the button! I need a lawyer. And then fifties to seventies, man. Doctors. Doctors… And then here’s the weird thing. In your eighties… back to the kid with the car. Yeah, full circle. Full circle. Now you need soup. Every day, you need soup. Yeah. I don’t… You know, I don’t… I don’t think I’m old. I just know I’m not young. That’s the difference. There is a difference, yeah. There’s usually an event in a man’s life… where he just, he can’t be in denial anymore. He just has to realize… I remember when it happened to me. I remember when I realized I wasn’t a young man anymore. Here’s, here’s what happened. I was having sex with my wife, and, and in the middle of it, I… I actually had to take a knee, you know? I had to go down, man. I had to stay down. I stay… I wasn’t protesting anything. I was… You know what I was doing? I was running the clock out on my wife. This is the hard part. And by the way, I’m not bragging. It’s not like we were doing a lot. It’s not like we were working up a sweat. I say in the middle of it. It was, it was barely long enough to have a middle.
My mom, my mom’s eighty-nine. My… she’s doing okay. She just had her hip replaced. And me and my brothers went to the hospital. I have an older brother, Richard, and a younger brother, Robert. And we’re at the hospital, and she’s coming out of anesthesia. We think she’s out… of anesthesia, but the doctor’s testing her. So, he goes to her, “How many… Lucy, how many children you have?” And she goes, “Four,” so, we know… “Okay, Doc, she’s a little loopy,” ’cause there’s only three. And then he keeps going. He goes, “What are their names?” And she goes, “Richard, Richard, Richard, and Richard.” Four Richards. And we laugh. You have to laugh. I’m gonna be honest. Richard laughed a little more than me and Robert did. Yeah, we were a little weirded out. I’m not mad. I’m not gonna, you know… She’s eighty-nine. She’s coming out of anesthesia. I just thought, wow, that’s… that’s strong anesthesia. ‘Cause… No, I mean… No but seriously, if she’s gonna name four… What, one of them can’t be the… the guy who bought her a house? That guy? Can’t get one name? How ’bout the guy who bought the hip? How ’bout that guy? How ’bout a shout out to the man… signing for the hip. No, four Richards. And now she’s home, and she’s fine, but she’s eighty-nine. And let me tell you, the filter goes. The filter just leaves. I don’t care who they are. My mom was a piano teacher. She went to Juilliard. She, she didn’t say anything off-color. The other day she told me, “You know, I stayed with your dad for so long because the sex was very good.” I’m, like, “Mom!” I screamed! I couldn’t… I hyperventilated. The only thing more disturbing than picturing your parents having sex, is picturing them having good sex. I had that in my head. I said, “No, Mom, don’t. Please don’t.” You know what you gotta say to that stuff? “Find the fourth Richard. Lay that shit out on him. That’s what he’s for.” My, you know, my kids will never have to worry about that. That’s one good thing. My wife… I don’t care. I don’t care how senile… That is not coming out of her mouth. Let me tell you right now. No, no. She’ll be like, “I stayed with your father. He came fast, he had a lot of money. I’m gonna be honest. He had a lot of money.” “Yeah, I didn’t know, you know, I didn’t think it would last, but then… something happened. Then he popped. He popped.”
Oh, boy. I found an advantage to getting old. Here’s one of the advantages to getting old. Here’s what you don’t have, buddy. It’s… It’s a weird advantage. I took an elbow in the groin. I was, I was playing basketball with my son. He elbowed me in the groin. Every guy knows that pain, right? So, it hasn’t happened to me in thirty years. Thirty years ago, I got hit there, and I still remember the pain. Okay, so the other day we’re playing ball… boom. And I’m, like, “Oh no.” And I’m waiting, and I’m waiting… Not that bad. I swear to God. It wasn’t that bad. And I’m… I’m, like, “What’s going on here?” “What’s… Do I have a superpower? Is this a superpower?” And I figured it out. Here’s what happened. Thirty years ago… things are compact down there. Right? But now, there’s give. There’s give now. There’s, there’s slack. There’s slack. You can take one. You can take a punch. You know what it is? It’s like, it’s like punching a curtain now. That’s what it is. But thirty years ago… Here’s why the body does that. Here’s why it doesn’t hurt when you get older. Because you don’t need ’em. When you’re, when you’re… When you’re twenty-three, when you’re whatever, you gotta reproduce. So, the body’s telling you, “Don’t get hit here man.” It makes it painful. But now… What do you need? What do I need? You know what they are now? They’re like tonsils now. Really, that’s all they are. Get ’em out. Get ’em out, before they’re infected. Right, doctor? You know what I’m talking about. Get ’em out. They’re going away. They’re trying to get away on their own. They’re trying to leave. They’re, they’re having a race with each other, like, left, right, left. It’s like the world’s slowest race to the ground is happening in front of me. And they’re getting… Here’s the weird part. They’re getting longer and this guy’s getting shorter. It’s like… They’re connected. Somehow they’re connected. All right. I’m glad… I’m glad we’re filming all this, ’cause… My wife hates that bit.
My wife got mad at me the other day. We were on the cell phone, and we got disconnected. Yeah, we got disconnected. And I called her back, and she goes, “What was that?” I’m like, “What do you mean? We got disconnected.” And she takes a beat and goes, “All right.” “What are you saying? What do you mean? What do you… Oh, you know what, honey? You got me. You caught me.” You know what I do? You know what I like to do? It’s just a little thing… I just get a kick out of it. When we’re talking and you get really into it, and in the middle of a sentence, I hang up. I just hang up on ya. And then I call you right back, and I’m, like, ‘I don’t know.’ It was a bad patch, I don’t know.” The hell you… She gets mad. She… I was at a red light the other day, and the guy was selling roses, you know. And I don’t usually… I don’t get one, but then I just thought… “I need some points, man. I gotta score some points.” You know, it’s all about points. Ladies, I don’t know what game we’re in with you. But you always have the lead. You’re always in front. By the way, the rose, if you’re married for a while, that, that rose on the corner, that doesn’t work. No, it doesn’t, yeah. No, it doesn’t, I know. ‘Cause they know where you got it. They’re like, “Oh, thank you. Thanks for the effort. Thank you very much. Thanks for rolling down the window.”
Yeah, you need a little more. You actually lose points. You might lose points. We’re married a long time. We’ve crossed over. When you first start… So, so, wait a minute. Who’s… you’re married. How long? Not long, right? Two, two weeks? – Two years. – Oh, two years, okay. – But, but still, that’s short. – Yeah. But when you’re married a long time… See, in the beginning of a relationship, you’re in the do-no-wrong phase. Right? Whatever you do is cute. It’s sweet. And then… we’ve crossed over. I’m in the do-know-right. I’m in the do-know-right. You know, I just have to accept it. I have to just know… Here’s an example. Here’s an example. I’m walking through… She’s watching TV, and I’m walking through, and I offer. I say, “Oh, I’ll get you some popcorn.” I know she likes popcorn. And I offer, “I’ll get you popcorn.” To which she says, “All right, but… bring enough.” She’s already pissed off. She’s already pissed off at me. She’d rather have no popcorn than not enough popcorn. Yeah. It’s unbelievable. One morning, I mean, one night… It was one night where we were in bed, and she was asleep. I was reading a book. She’s asleep. So, I figure, all right, I’m done getting in trouble today. Today I’m, today’s over. Yeah, and… And she wakes up. She wakes up, and she looks at me, and she goes, “What are you doing?” I said, “I got the book, remember? I told you, I got this book.” Yeah, and she just looks and goes, “I thought we were gonna talk?” And I said, “Well, I mean, you fell asleep.” And she looks and me, and she goes, “I fall asleep, so right away, you pick up a book.” No, c’mon, no, ladies. No, ladies, no. Don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh at that. Please don’t… Just tell me… Just tell me… what in shit hell does that mean? What do you… How do you converse with that? What do you say?
Here’s what it is. I figured it out. Here’s, if you’re newlyweds or whatever, or engaged, if you wanna be happy, you have to know one thing. Women really want you to focus on them every waking moment. Yes, but there is more, there’s more. Because, then, when they sleep, you should sketch them. You don’t open a book. You don’t open a book. You take a sketch pad out, and you… Ha-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha… And then if she wakes up, “Look what I drew. I drew you. I drew you. I’ll put this… I’ll hang this up.” Incredible. Any newlyweds? Any engaged people, newlyweds, anything? What? What are ya? – Just go married a month ago. – A month ago! Whoa. Where… Where was your bachelor party? Do you… are you…? Nashville. Nashville and Miami? Do you know… Do you really know the details? Let’s not, no… Let’s not even get into it. ‘Cause you don’t know the details. I know the details. I know you know the details, but you don’t know the details. No, nah, who cares? You’re having fun. You’re good. My friend…
The other day, I saw this old guy, old buddy, and we started swapping bachelor party stories. I don’t know why guys do this. Anyway, I told him mine, and he started his with… “Well, you gotta remember, this was before AIDS.” And I knew, oh… I knew right away… you’re gonna have a better story than I did. Yeah. Your ears perk up. Your ears perk when someone starts a story like that. Even if it sounds boring. “Did I ever tell you I went candle shopping in Vermont?” Oh boy, I’m out. “This was before AIDS.” I’m back in. What happened? Come over here, guys. This is gonna have a twist. What happened in the candle shop? He’s a weird dude, man. He sends me these websites. He sent me a website. He likes to send perverted websites. He sent this website… Guys who can orally satisfy themselves. Yes. Yes. It’s always like a mixed reaction. It is, ’cause women are like, “Mm…” And men are like, “Hm.” Yeah, you wonder. It’s a conundrum. You don’t want… By the way, men. You don’t want that. You don’t want it. You don’t want it. ‘Cause listen, how would we stop? Seriously, how would we stop? We have so little self-control as it is. Your wife wouldn’t go out in public. You… every guy would have to wear the cone that dogs wear around their neck. Before the wife would go out with ya. And they would share their horror stories. “I took him to the bank without the cone. I turn my head for one minute. I turn my head. I don’t understand it. He’s an animal.” “I tried the pepper. The pepper doesn’t work!” All right, well, good for you, sir. Be aware.
Here’s my next… Here’s my other tip. Be aware of things. You have to notice things. Like if she gets a haircut, you gotta notice it before she tells you. Yes, you do. Every three days, I say, “Nice haircut” to my wife when she comes in. Every three days, I cover myself. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong. You don’t lose points if you’re wrong. If you’re wrong, if she says, “I didn’t get a haircut.” You say, “You did something different.” They’re always doing something different. Always something different! You get a point. You get one. You don’t get five. You get one. Be aware. Try to avoid questions. Questions get you in trouble. Simple questions… Simple questions used to get me in trouble. Like when we were going out, “What dress looks better on me?” First of all, don’t say, “I don’t know,” because that seems like you don’t care. Yeah, you gotta… pick one. Although, ladies, I’m gonna… I’m gonna let you in on a secret. We don’t know. We don’t really know. We don’t even see a dress. It’s just like pixelation with your head on the top of it. We… We don’t know! We just want you to get in the car! Get in the car! But pick one, man. Pick one and go hard. “Oh, God, that one right there. That’s your dress.” You got to sell it. You sell it. Be careful. She may throw you. She may, “Oh, how come this one?” Now you gotta pull something out of your ass. Now you don’t know. Now you gotta… stall. If you stall, she’ll answer it for you. Eventually, she’ll answer it. “It’s ’cause of the fuchsia? Right? It’s ’cause of the fuchsia?” Folks, I don’t know what fuchsia is, but it looks good on her. That’s what I told her. “Yes, it’s fuchsia!” I thought it was a color, fabric… I don’t know. But I went with it hard. We had the stupidest argument. Oh, God, I can’t believe we’re in this argument. It’s a little too much info, but I’ll tell ya. I saw pubic hair in the wastebasket. I, I saw pubic hair in the wastebasket in our bathroom, and I called her on it. I said, “That’s gross. What’re you doing, that’s gross.” And she was mad at me, so mad. Not because I called her on it. But because, apparently, it wasn’t pubic hair. Apparently, she was clean her hairbrush. And, yeah, and she is pissed off that I couldn’t tell the difference. And I’ll be honest. It was a tumbleweed ball of hair in there. I didn’t think it through. I did not think in through. And she will not let it go now. She is, “Do you ever look? Do you look at me ever? What do you, what do you think, I have sheep shears and I just… What the hell is wrong with you? What’re you watching 70s porn all day? How ’bout the color? What, do I highlight my pubes? Is that what I do now?” I don’t know why she’s so mad. What do I…? Last thing. A couple months ago, I got Netflix, and I started watching these movies. Please somebody tell me they saw this movie. It was about two years ago, this movie Everest. I just saw it. Okay, see, not a lot of people. I wish you did. I wish you did because I wanna talk to people about the most unbelievable scene that I saw. It’s a true story, the climbing of Mt. Everest. Okay. This scene… They’re sitting around the campfire. They’re waiting to go up. They’re at, like, base camp two, whatever it is. And Josh Brolin’s character looks at the other guys and go… He goes, “Hey, guys, I feel a little guilty, you know? Forgot to tell my wife I was doing this.” I had to rewind. I had to rewind the thing. I swear to God, I rewound it. He forgot to tell his wife… he’s climbing Mt. Everest.
Let me tell you something. My wife is constantly telling me, “You’re the worst communicating husband in the world.” No, I’m not. No, I’m not. I found a guy. I found the Babe Ruth of non-communication. What could you do worse? What is they’re bigger in life? What could… I guess if Neil Armstrong’s wife was watching the moon landing… “Is… Is that Neil? Is Neil…? Is… Is… Is Daddy, is that Daddy on the moon?”
All right, thanks for being one-half of my special. Appreciate it. Thank you. Ray Romano, everybody! Let him hear it! Ooooooh!
Good job, Ray.
Hey, man, I’ll see you. Thanks, man.
That was a great show!
The one just now!
How’d you get up here? How’d I get up here? I went to the bathroom. I heard part of your show. Okay. You’re the reason I watch all your repeats. Appreciate it. Thank you. Hello. Hello. All right, I got a few minutes. Wait a minute, do I? I got eight minutes. That was… fun. Small crowd.
Yo, what’s happening? – How are you?
What’s happening? – No, how are you? I’m fucking great! You are. All right.
Watch your back!
Ray Romano. How are ya, man? How are ya?
Yes, sir. He’s mocking me.
How’s it going, man? How are ya, man, good to see ya. What’s up? How are they?
It’s good, really good, Ray.
Really? Cool. Cool, cool. I’m gonna head down. Twelve weeks of that, just sipping tea. Twelve weeks sipping tea. I got so angry. What came out of me, I couldn’t help it. I was like, “I don’t want some tea anymore, okay? I wanna sit on your face.” “Tea time is over.” All right, you guy’s have been awesome! Marina Franklin, everybody! Marina Franklin, everybody! And… you guys ready for a treat? My favorite comic has stopped by for a little while.
Clap your hands everybody, for Ray Romano! Ray… Romano, everybody!
All right, easy. Slow it up. Slow it up. Pace… Pace. Wow. Thank you so much. Good to be here. Good to be back. This is where all started, folks, long time ago. It all started right here… around the corner. Here, over there. You know what I mean. All right. What do we do? Let’s talk. You know what? First, I wanna do… I wanna use you people for therapy. Now, I do, I feel guilty. I have a guilt thing going on. I… I, I killed a spider. I know, hear me out. I know we all do it. But here’s why. It was in my shower, big spider. Here’s why I feel guilty. I didn’t have to kill him. But… He saw me masturbating. I think men know the dilemma here. No witnesses, nobody… It’s a spider. He’s not gonna say anything. But why take the chance? Why really…? And here’s why I feel bad. I killed him… and then I told you anyway. I told you anyway. He died in vain.
All right. Sorry for the cameras. Netflix gave me a comedy special, and I decided to do it here at my home club. You’re… yeah. Little pressure. Little pressure on you people now. You’re on the spot. I saw a woman in a supermarket. This I have to share with you. There was a woman in the supermarket, and she was yelling at this kid. He was a five-year-old kid. Or five or whatever… four. And she’s yelling at him, and I got four kids. So, when I see that, I go over there… and I yell at that kid with that woman. I do. I yell. I don’t have to know anything. I don’t need facts. That’s a bad kid. That is… I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s being wrong. But this woman, she scared me a little. He had, like, a candy bar, and he wouldn’t put it back. And I could tell she was reaching the end of her rope, and she looks at him and goes, “I’m giving you to the count of two.” Listen to me. I don’t care if you have kids or not. I think we all know, three is the number you give a child. Three is the humane, accepted number. It’s international. People from other countries, I don’t care what language you speak. You could… You could be from a tribe that uses sounds! You’re giving your kid three. You’re giving him… That’s what this.. Your kid would get three clucks to, to… to get away from the quicksand or whatever the hell he’s doing. It was sad. He had two! He didn’t know what to… He wouldn’t have made it to the rack, the candy rack, by two. He would’ve had to hand it off to some kid who had three. “Take it the rest of the way, help me. This is a crazy woman.”
We have parents, there’s parents here, right? I can tell, yeah. Who’s got the young kids? Who’s got the four and five…? What do you got? You’re… you? What do you got? – Four-year-old. – Got a four-year-old? But you’re, like, eleven. Thirty-nine! – You’re forty-nine? – Thirty-nine. Oh, I was gonna say… If you were forty-nine, I was gonna end my show right there. ‘Cause that… It’s not old, man, you’re young. This is, yes? – Yes. – Okay. Remember, we can cut. – So, you got a four-year-old what? Boy? – Boy. Does he nap still? – Sure. – Oh, so, you have that, at least. Yeah. Four years old, still naps. That’s, that’s lucky. Yeah, my kids are old, man, they don’t… They’re conscious all day. Yeah. I used to love the nap. I used to love the little tricks, too, to get ’em to nap. Every parent knows the, the car seat is your best friend… or your enemy. The car seat’s your enemy when you don’t want ’em to nap. It’s, now it’s dinner time. You’re driving home from the park. You’re, like, “Holy shit, if he falls asleep now, I’m gonna have to do a puppet show at midnight for this kid, you watch.” And then you look in the mirror and you see the little head there. The little… Like, “Oh, no!” “Oh, no!” La-la-la-la! Oh, no. You know what I did? I kept a water gun in the glove compartment. “He ain’t sleeping.” “He ain’t sleeping.” I wanna watch Cake Wars later on. He’s not sleeping, this kid. Is this like a vacation… thing? Little night out? Little… I mean, overnight thing? ‘Cause when you got, I know when you have little kids, you gotta get the overnight thing. We would go… My mom would come over, we would go like on a thing overnight, because you can’t do anything.
I had three kids under the age of three. I had twins. Yes, nothing. Nothing. No sex, no nothing. And when we would go away, my wife knew I would get overexcited. Like, we’d get to the hotel, and she’d say, “Can we, can we please not have sex the moment we get in the room?” ‘Cause she would know. She’s unzipping luggage, and I’m naked in my socks already. “Nobody’s here.” “Nobody’s here.” She knew. She would ignore me. She’d go down to the pool. I would just wait in the room. You know, I’d hear the guy in the next room. “Me, too, buddy. Me, too.” “Good luck, man.” “Good luck, buddy.”
Vacation sex, by the way, that’s the best sex there is. Yeah. For a guy, vacation sex is the best. I’ll tell you why. There’s less pressure on the guy… during vacation sex, because even if he’s… even if he doesn’t perform, even if he’s disappointing… She’s on vacation. She’ll get over it. She’ll get over it. She’ll be like, “Well, that wasn’t fun.” But there’s fun coming up. There’s fun coming up. But what has she got at home? You know what I would do I… for home sex? I’d keep a little treat under the bed. Just put a little something. Just a little something. This way, you come up a little short, and you’re like, “Honey, jello! Jello!” Yes, put jello, man. Put jello, ’cause then it’s incentive to you, because then if you’re good, that’s your jello, man. She ain’t getting anything. She don’t get none of that. That’s your little reward…
It’s hard when you’re married, man. It’s hard having… sex with kids. It’s hard after you’re married. You’re very seldom in the mood at the same time. And by that I mean… her being in the mood. It’s true. I know it’s a cliche. But if you had a chart, it would just be men, you know, in the mood… And women just… beep! Beep! “Oh, no, I made a mistake. I made a mistake.” Alcohol helps. But there’s a very small window of time. ‘Cause alcohol goes from putting her in the mood to putting her to sleep, very fast. Yeah, if we’re at a party and she’s had a few drinks, I… I know I gotta get home if I want something to happen. I gotta, I gotta find a shortcut. I can’t, you know, I got… no traffic. I’m watching her. I got the water gun in my hand, you know. I’m just, like, showing it to her. You gotta get home. If a married couple ever tells you, “We had sex in the car the other night,” they’re not trying to relive their youth. That guy was running out of time. That’s what happened. That guy hit some traffic, and he pulled into a Costco parking lot. He called an audible. By the way, morning sex… I have my highest batting averages in the morning. No, it really is. She doesn’t say no as much, ’cause she can’t say she’s tired. Right? She can’t say that. No, she can’t. She’s had eight hours sleep. I watched the last two of ’em. Right? And also in her head, she’s thinking, “I’m gonna shower anyway.” “I’m gonna shower, right? Plus, you’re not in focus. She can’t even see you, really, yet. You… She could squint you into Bon Jovi.
How long you married for? – You’re married, yes? – We’re not married. – You’re not married, okay. – It’s a long story. It’s all right. Whatever. We’re here, and we’re all having fun. – Well, you’ve been together, for a while. – Four years. Yes, okay. When you’ve been married for a longer time… Here’s the good thing about being married for a while. If I get turned down or whatever it is, nobody’s feelings are hurt. You don’t have to spare anybody’s feelings. My wife… I know right away, I know right away if it’s gonna happen or not. And she’s very succinct. She doesn’t waste words. Here’s my favorite turndown I ever had. We were in bed. It was the morning, she was facing that way. She’s not even looking at me. And I was like, I’ll give it a shot. I’ll give it a shot. I make a move. Here’s my move. Here’s my big move. Take my arm, put it on her shoulder. That’s it. That’s all it is. That’s all I need. She knows exactly what’s going on. It’s the morning. I’m touching her. If I’m touching her in the morning… Come on, it can only mean one thing. And here’s how I knew it wasn’t gonna happen. As soon as my hand hit her shoulder, she didn’t even turn. She just said, “What’s your problem?” Okay. It’s one motion. Remote control, keep your head down, follow through quick. Yeah. But who cares? Nobody’s hurt. It’s hard, sex with kids and marriage. I had TV sex. I had… I had my first real sex scene. I mean, my first real sex scene a little while back on a show on HBO called Vinyl, which nobody saw. No, nobody saw. It got canceled. Thank you. But yeah, I wish… There should be more. But anyway… It was intense. I mean, it was the real deal. There was nudity, everything. In hindsight, that’s probably why nobody saw the show. That’s probably… If you think about it, who want’s to see… Nobody wants to see that. Even Netflix told me. When they gave me the special, they said, “No nudity.” I’m like, “Why do you…? I’m doing stand-up.” “Okay, but still, don’t… nothing…” But this was on HBO, and it was scary. Scared out of my wits. Intense, nervous. You know, you’re simulating sex. It’s not real. But he don’t know that. No, he don’t know that. He’s not an actor. It’s like playing a prank on a guy over and over again. It’s like ringing a doorbell and running away… to your crotch. I got worried he wouldn’t show up. Like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Like when I really want him, he’d be, “I ain’t falling for that one again. I’m not…” How much can a guy take? Are you gonna have more kids, you think? – You got the boy, right? – Yeah. Yeah, I had the girl first.
My youngest is a boy. I have a 16-year-old boy in the house. Anybody got a teenager? No? You probably do, but you don’t have the energy to say it. I don’t know how to describe this kid. I really don’t. He brags about things… you shouldn’t admit to. The other day, he walked through the kitchen, and he looks at us… “Haven’t showered in four days.” Just likes to hurt us. He really likes to hurt us. And he’s big. He’s six-five, my son. Yeah. Yeah, and he doesn’t shower. There’s a lot going on, man. There’s a lot going on. Yeah, he’s big. Plays varsity basketball. I’m not bragging. He’s not that good. He’s not that good. He’s all right. He’ll get better. He played with a kid… He played one year with this kid who got drafted yesterday in the NBA, Aaron Holliday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he got to play with him. This was cool. The trainer called our house once, and said Aaron bit Joe in the forehead. They were going up for a layup. Aaron’s teeth went into Joe’s head. And my wife got, you know, she’s upset. “Oh, no, he’s gonna need stitches.” And then she got mad at me… because all I could think was, maybe it’s like a Spider-Man bite. Maybe… Maybe… I start going to the games now. Maybe Joe can dunk now. At six-foot-five. God forbid he jumps four inches off the ground. And dunks for his father. Make an effort, Joe! And now he drives. Why do we give 16-year-olds licenses? My son doesn’t care about anything. He called me the other day, he’s like, “Hey dad, I’m in the car. Yeah, I don’t know. I guess, I guess I’m outta gas right now.” I went… “What do you mean you don’t know, Joe? Are you moving?” “Is the car moving?” “I’m not moving. I’m not moving. I put my foot on the pedal, I’m not going anywhere.” “All right, where are you, Joe?” And he’s very calm now. He’s la-di-da. “I’m here. I’m on the 101.” The 101 is a five-lane highway. Nothing! So, I assume like anybody would, “Oh, you’re on the side of the road now?” – “No, I’m in the middle lane right now.” – “What do you mean, Joe!” Where’s the urgency! And I swear to you, this is the exchange, ’cause I’m panicking now. “What’s the traffic like?” “Well, behind me, it’s bad, but it’s moving in front of me.” “I’m gonna kick your ass.” “I’m gonna kick your ass, Joe, ’cause you need fear.” “You need fear in your life.” And my wife tries to spin it. You know, whatever he does, she puts the spin on it. “Well, he doesn’t panic. He’s Zen.” “He’s a very Zen-like boy.” “Like astronauts. Maybe he’ll be an astronaut one day.” “Oh, you think so? Really?” “I don’t wanna burst your bubble, but if he can’t interpret the gas gauge on a Mazda… Nah, he ain’t getting in the Space Shuttle. I’ll tell ya right now, give that up.” My kid is not an astronaut. Unless an astronaut bites him. If an astronaut bites him… then we got a chance. Incredible. I think he does things… just to get a reaction, really. My friend, the other day, said to me, “Hey, my son told me that Joe is an ordained minister now.” I’m like, “What?” I guess online for, like, five bucks or whatever… Here’s what pissed me off. Not that he did it. But when I asked him about it… I text him, “Joe, are you an ordained minister?” And his reply? “Pretty much.” I’m gonna punch you. I’m gonna punch you, Joe. That’s not the answer. That’s not how you answer that question. That’s the answer to “Did your rash go away?” “Pretty much. Pretty much, I’m an ordained minister.”
And I have twins, also. Yes, and then I have my oldest, is my daughter. We… She has a nickname… the “Good One.” They’re all good. She just, you know… You know. She does things. She does things. They don’t do things. That’s the difference. She goes… Straight A’s… She went to Penn. She… My daughter went to Penn. We flew her from L.A. to Penn. The boys were, like, thirteen. Identical twins. And, my wife did not want to bring ’em because she was so emotional. She just wanted to share this. But they came. Anyway, we’re in the dorm. We’re putting… We’re getting her settled. And the boys are just being idiots, you know? And, finally we have to say goodbye, and it’s emotional, and we leave. We go to this FedEx store. We gotta ship something home. And my wife turns to me and goes, “I’m coming back next week, by myself.” “By myself.” And when your married for awhile, and you hear that tone, you don’t even make eye contact really. You just kinda, “I know, okay, you’re coming by yourself.” “You’re staying with them. You’re staying with them.” Stay with them. Stay with them. And then she goes, “Look at ’em.” And I look, and right at that moment, one of ’em had a traffic cone on his head. And the other was looking down the top of it. And I wanted to laugh so hard. I had to stifle the biggest laugh. ‘Cause she’s having a breakdown. My wife’s having a breakdown. I finally, I just put my arm around her and I go, “Look, if it’s any consolation, we’re not gonna have to make this trip for them.” “They’re not coming here. They’re not coming to Penn.” “We’re gonna get ’em an RV, and they’re gonna live in the woods.” “That’s all right. We’ll know where they are. We’ll pay for the electricity.” It was unbelievable. It was like sitcom timing. I wouldn’t even write that in a sitcom ’cause it’d be too jokey. She goes, “Look at ’em! Traffic cone!” I don’t know what a traffic cone was doing in a FedEx store. For a couple weeks, I tried to figure out… who’s stupider? Which one of those two is the stupider kid at the moment? And you know what? I thought it through. It’s the one wearing the cone. It’s the guy wearing it. He’s the stupider one. Because the guy looking, he’s at least being inquisitive, you know? He’s doing something. He’s curious. Although, he’s probably thinking, “Hey, where’d my brother go? What’s going on?” “What’s in here? Oh, stay where you are! Stay where you are, Greg!”
Unbelievable. All true. I’m not… I haven’t written any of this. I wish… I wish I could write this. All of it. He’s a, he’s a fucking ordained minister. And he doesn’t shower. And he can marry you. I wish I was making it up. Then there’s me. My poor wife. Then there’s me, too. I’m not, you know… My wife passed a… The other day, my wife got all of us together, all the men. And she passed a new ordinance in the house. A new law. She said, “I’m not answering any stupid questions.” She goes, “From now on, if you ask me a question that you should know the answer, I’m just walking away.” And I was, like, whatever. You, know, I don’t wanna show fear in front of my kids. I’m not gonna show fear. I have an image for the boys. I didn’t think about it. I let her go. And then the next day, I really didn’t think about it ‘tiI I couldn’t find my sweatpants. I couldn’t find my sweatpants, and I was walking up to ask her, and then I stopped myself. I was, like, “Oh, no, is this one of those?” And then I thought, I can’t live like this. And I just… Look, I said, whatever happens, happens. I said, “I can’t find my sweatpants.” And she looked, and she didn’t say anything for a second. And I gotta admit, my heart started beating a little faster. And then, finally, she just goes, “Check the dryer. They’re probably in the dryer.” I go, “Okay.” I walked away, I went, “Phew, I got away. I got away.” It worked, she scared me. I got away with it. And then I thought… I can’t ask her where the dryer is. I gotta find the dryer. I gotta find that dryer. I gotta get the… We got the boys, you know, we all talked about it. Nobody knew. Nobody really knew. We all went in separate directions. Got people from out of the country here. – Australia! – Australia. Is this the first time? – No. – You been coming here a lot? You love it, right? How can you not love New York? Be careful. By the way, I grew up here. I still haven’t seen every weirdo there is to see out there. They’re fun weirdos. I had my favorite encounter the other day. This one, I gotta tell you. My whole life I been here. And my favorite encounter was the other day. I was walking, it was broad daylight. And this guys sees me, and he comes running over, and he goes, “I’ll give you a blowjob for two dollars.” Yeah, and I was polite. First of all, be polite. Always be polite. I was like, “Hey, no thanks, man. That’s okay. And this is what got me. He looks at me and goes, “Two dollars.” I’m like, “No.” “No, listen, buddy, you’re not getting it, man. You’re not getting it.” I’m not haggling. We’re not haggling right now. That’s a good price. You can’t go lower. How can you go lower than two dollars? It costs much more in my house, I’m gonna tell you right now. He couldn’t believe it. He goes, “They’re two dollars.” He must’ve had a bad day. That must’ve been a bad… That’s, that’s a going-out-of-business blowjob right there. That’s… That’s a everything-must-go… All right. All right, last thing. This is gonna… This might bum you out a little. Yeah, maybe, I don’t know. It’s about my dog. I had to put my dog down. I told ya. I warned ya. Well, he’s fourteen. And… he saw me masturbating. Yeah. I have a hard rule. I have a hard rule in my house. Hey, thank you for being one half of my Netflix special. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. Ray Romano, everybody! Ray! Romano! Holy shit, you can go back and… Guys, c’mon, let’s go. …Ray Romano become the king of fucking Little Rock? That’s right, yes, very exciting, right? And you here with the women… – How was it? – It was good! Good! They were loud in the beginning, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah… They were really good. That was a good crowd. I could tell it was good ’cause it went fast. What’s up, buddy. It was good. It was good, man. Thanks. – Bye, Ray. – All right, buddy, I’ll see you, Sean. – All right, everybody’s here. – We’re all together. This is the minister. Are you the conehead or the looker? I’m the looker. – I’m the conehead. – Conehead. There’s the good one. And there’s the one who has to spend all the money. – Are we hungry? – Yeah. Something got a really big applause that it was very… that I was really surprised about. – Oh, yeah? – It was like, wow… What? – We… – I don’t remember. What was it? Yeah, it might’ve been… I know what you’re saying. It might’ve been the… Stupid question thing, right? – Stupid question… – Was it that? No, it was before that. I liked that. Did you always do the dryer part? Did you figure out what bit it was, Ally? – Did you figure out which one? – No, let think about it for a second. All right, we’ll get another one if we need. Don’t go crazy guys. Joe, you wanna bless the pizza for us? Yeah, I could do that. I mean, I’m qualified.