[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! [Fluffy shouts] Houston! [crowd cheering] [audience] Five, four, three, two, one! [cheering]
♪ Macho, macho man ♪
♪ I’ve got to be a macho man ♪
♪ Macho, macho man ♪
♪ I’ve got to be a macho! ♪
♪ Macho, macho man ♪
♪ I’ve got to be a macho man ♪
♪ Macho, macho man ♪
♪ I’ve got to be a macho! ♪
How are you?
[Fluffy] Whoo! Oh, man! That’s a long walk. [laughter] Thank you so much, Houston. [crowd cheering] One year ago, this city was flipped upside down by a hurricane, un cabrón named Harvey. [laughter] And they said that this city would never be the same. I think it’s beautiful that, a year later, we’re all here celebrating together the fact that this city is resilient. And you guys persevered. Houston’s strong, baby. [crowd cheering, applauding] That’s serious. In all sincerity, guys, I’m not trying to kiss your ass. I already got your money. [laughter] Freaking Houston. I love this town. I’ve been coming here for 20 years. Twenty years. Started off performing at a comedy club called The Last Stop. [cheering] And then, of course, we jumped over to the Improv, and then– I performed everywhere. I even did a one-nighter in Tomball. [laughter] That’s a long story for the people at home. I won’t even get into that. I want to give you guys a heads-up and let you know now that tonight I feel extra comfortable. You’re going to notice that you might hear a little bit more Spanish than you normally would. And you can’t do that just anywhere, but you can do that in Houston. [cheering and applause] Now, to everyone watching at home who is freaking out, like, “Oh, my God! I didn’t sign up for this.” [laughter] If I say something in Spanish, my promise is to translate immediately so that everyone enjoys the show. Okay? ‘Cause I know the second I said Spanish, people are freaking out, you know. All the people that drove in from the woodlands are like, “Hey!” [laughter] And for everyone at home, what does he mean by that, the people from the woodlands? You know. [laughter] [South Texas accent] “I know he is not referring to us.” [laughter] “The nerve of him!” “He needs to go back where he came from, over by Airline Road.” [laughter] [cheering] That’s right. I know where you keep your brown people. [laughter] This is awesome. This always pisses off Netflix. They’re like, “Gabriel, we really wish you would just do a show that’s general, that everybody understands. Why do you have to make your show so personal? Only people in that city are going to get it.” Well, when you have an arena full of people, you want them to get it. You want that extra personal special touch. I don’t care what they say. I already got the check. [laughter] Ha!
So let me give you a heads-up as to what has happened since the last time I did a special. Um, my son, Frankie, is now 19 years old. Nineteen years old, high school graduate, he has all his shots… Ladies? People tell me all the time. “Why do you talk about your son so much?” Because he won’t leave. [laughter] “Does he like it when you talk about him?” I said, “No, he hates it.” “Why do you do it?” “‘Cause he won’t leave.” [laughter] I’ll tell you what he likes to do right now. He likes to sit around the house and watch videos of other kids playing video games. See, some of you are clapping. I didn’t know that was an actual thing. I asked him, “What are you doing?” “I’m watching other kids playing video games.” I said, “That’s– Really? Why?” “Well, they’re professionals.” I’m like, “Why would you watch something that you could be doing?” “‘Cause they’re professionals.” “That’s dumb.” “Really, Dad? Every Sunday I see you watching football. [crowd ooh’s] How come you don’t play?” I don’t even argue. I just cut off the Internet. [laughter] My son’s problem right now is that he has, according to him, too many options. Okay? That’s his problem. I’m like, “Poor guy!” “I have so many options, Dad. I don’t know what to do.” Write them down. Put them on a wheel. Freaking– [mimics spinning wheel] Today: plumber. [laughter] Something! The problem is we go places, people find out he is my son and then they offer him opportunities. He doesn’t understand that that’s not how the real world works. I know about struggling and clawing, and fighting for the opportunity to do something. He doesn’t get it yet. And that’s my fault.
For example, I take him and his mom out to dinner, okay? I took them both to Red Lobster. Now, Houston. Me, personally, I love Red Lobster, okay? And not even for the seafood. I’m talking about the biscuits. [cheering] Oh, yeah. [vocalizes] It’s real good. [laughter] So we’re sitting there, and we’re having a conversation with our son about life, opportunity, what does he want to do with himself… And as we’re talking to him, the manager from Red Lobster walks over to our table. And he’s being really cool, right? He’s like, “Hey!” And I’m like, “Hey!” He looks at my son, “Is this the infamous Frankie?” And I say, “Why, yes, it is! He just graduated.” “Congratulations!” “And he’s looking for a job.” The manager goes, “Oh, say no more.” And he gives my son a business card and then he starts to say, “Listen, Frankie, this is all you have to do. Just go online and fill out the application. Once it’s registered, call me personally and I’ll see to it that you get an interview. The only position we have available right now is for a host, but there’s plenty of room for opportunity here at Red Lobster. Besides, you got one hell of a reference.” And then he walked away and I was like, “Oh, my God. I’m going to get free biscuits!” [laughter] My son looks at me and says, “I don’t want to work at Red Lobster.” I said, “Frankie, no one is making you work anywhere. This is just another opportunity that you’re wasting. Okay. No Red Lobster. What’s your plan?” “I don’t know.” I got frustrated. So I raised my voice. “Well, you better start thinking.” His mom didn’t like that. “Don’t talk to him like that.” I said, “Look, biscuit blocker…” [laughter] See, up to this point we have agreed on how we raise our son. But in this situation, she’s trying to protect him from the world. I’m trying to prepare him for the world. If he cannot handle me raising my voice to get his attention to see the bigger picture, he’s not ready for a world that doesn’t care about his feelings. [crowd whooping, applauding]
So I said, “You know what? I got to have a one-on-one with him. I got to have a one-on-one with, uh–” [evil laugh] So I take him out to the movies. I take him out to the movies, we get in the car, we take off. [mimics car engine] A little 20-minute drive, okay? As we’re driving I figure I’ll have a little one-on-one with him. Maybe this way it doesn’t feel like a talk talk. I thought he understood what I was trying to say. It’s late. We’re leaving the movies. We’re pulling out of the parking structure and out of the corner of my eye, I see a cop car. And I made a sound, I was like, “Ugh!” And Frankie goes, “What is it, Dad?” I say, “There’s a cop at the light.” “What are you worried about?” “He’s going to stop us.” “How do you know?” “Watch.” [laughter] I made that left turn… [mimics engine and siren chirping] Frankie’s losing it. “It’s happening!” I said, “Relax.” I pull over. [mimics tires screeching] Cop pulls up from behind. [mimics tires screeching] Immediately. [knock-knock] “Driver, windows down.” [groans] [mimics window whirring down] “Driver, hands out the window.” Serious? [laughter] “Both of them.” “I can’t, I’m fat!” [laughter] He gets to the window, and he’s got the flashlight. And he shines the light right in my face. He’s like, “License.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here.” He takes the license and then, of course, you know, “Do you know why I stopped you?” “Officer, no, I don’t, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me.” “You don’t have a front plate on your car.” I said, “Officer, you’re absolutely right. I do not have a front plate on my car, but my name is actually on the front of the car.” “Excuse me?” “My name is on the front of the car.” I own a 2012 Ford Flex and the Ford Flex has the actual word “flex” written on the hood. I have a friend who does custom automotive work and he took all the letters off the car except for the letter F, and he made letters so that it spells “Fluffy” on the hood. Okay? Yeah. -It sounds impressive. -[crowd whooping] You can do it too for like $23. It’s not that bad. They’re like refrigerator magnets. You can even move them. Like, one day a letter flew off and it said “Fuffy”. [laughter] Que pendejo. I know, stupid, right? So… The officer walks around to the front of the car and he takes his flashlight and he shines the light right on the hood, and he does this, he goes, “I knew it!” And my son goes, “What does that mean?” I said, “That means we get to go.” Oh, Houston, for the first time in a long time, my son was actually impressed by something that I did. You got to figure. This is not impressive to my son. Because he grew up in this environment.
Okay, this does– You saw that, right? I saw like a– [laughter] That’s like the third one I’ve seen! This stuff keeps– [chuckles] People upstairs from Tomball, “Keep talking.” [laughter] Alright, I’ll tell you guys what happened. Shakira performed here a few days ago. And Shakira has an amazing show, okay? She doesn’t just come out and… [ululates] [humming “Whenever, Wherever” by Shakira] ♪ Together, together ♪ [indistinct] [crowd cheering] I think I just hurt myself. [laughter] But there’s a part of her show, where all of a sudden it was… [puffing] And there’s cannons with confetti that shoot everywhere, right? And I think that was left-over Shakira. [laughter] Can we edit out the part where I burned 800 calories? [laughter] [Fluffy laughs] Oh, my God! So, where was I? Oh! This. Does nothing for my son. and the reason why I say that is because he grew up in this environment. He’s been to a thousand shows. He’s seen me on TV a million times. It’s not a big deal, but the fact that I got stopped by a cop and the cop recognized me and geeked out and let us go, I earned street cred with my kid! [laughter] Yeah, Frankie was like, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!” And I’m like, “Hell, yeah, cos’. That’s right. You better recognize, player.” [laughter] [mimics engine turning over] We get home, he woke up his mom! “Mom, you should’ve seen it! We got stopped by the cops!” “Are you okay?” “Yeah! They recognized Dad and they let us go.” She stayed quiet and I told her, “Huh? I got recognized!” And she said, “Ah!” [laughter]
So my son, what he likes to do now, like I said, Frankie likes to stay home and watch videos. I come downstairs one morning and he’s on his phone, but the chair that he’s sitting in is turned, facing the window, which I thought was weird. So I called to him, “Frankie, what are you doing?” Nothing. So he can’t hear– “Frankie!” He can’t hear. So I walked up from behind, and I realized that my son has little headphones. That’s– Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, he’s not ignoring me. So I look over his shoulder, and I realize that my son is watching a film. [crowd ooh’s] And I don’t mean Frozen. [laughter] But those people look cold. [laughter] So now I’m standing there watching it with him. I’m not trying to bond or anything. I’m just trying to figure out the conversation I need to have and now we’re both watching professionals. [laughter] So I grabbed his headphone and I went… “Hey, is that a good movie?” And he freaked out! [screams] And he threw the phone. The phone came partially undone and you could hear it. Oh, it was bad. “Not my face, not my face, not my face.” He turned bright red and he starts walking back over. “How embarrassing. How long have you been standing there?” I said, “Long enough to know ‘not my face.'” [laughter] “Are you going to tell my mom?” I said, “Frankie, I love you way too much to do that to you. I would never tell your mom. I’mma tell everybody else.” [laughter] [laughs] Hey, don’t tell his mom. [laughter] I said, “Look, I know you’re not going to stop watching stuff like this. So just do me a favor. Don’t do this here. You’re old enough now to watch whatever you want to watch. But as long as you live in this house, you cannot be watching stuff like that where your mom can catch you. You’re not going to stop, so just don’t do it here.” “How do you know I’m not gonna stop?” “‘Cause I haven’t stopped. [laughter] Matter of fact, there’s a sequel to that. [laughter] It’s called Not my hair.” He said to me, “Que cochino!” I know right? [panting] I said, “Frankie, you’re going to watch stuff like that, just go in your room. Lock your door. I don’t want to catch you. Okay, so let me know.” “Want me to text you?” Never mind. [laughter]
I’m in the middle of trying to deal with this whole situation with my son watching these videos and not going to work, and while I’m doing this, I get the most random phone call I’ve ever gotten. My publicist calls me up and she’s like, “Gabe! Snoop Dogg is looking for you.” -“Excuse me?” -“Snoop Dogg, you know–” “I know who Snoop Dogg is! What do you mean, he’s looking for me?” “Well, he’s looking–” “Is he looking for me or is he looking for me?” “He’s a fan and he wants to interview you.” “Oh, cool! Sounds good. What is it?” “I think it’s some type of podcast.” “I’m in. Can I bring Frankie?” “Absolutely.” “Cool.” So I hang up the phone. I’m excited. I want to tell my son. I’m like, “Frankie! I’m walking towards your room.” [laughter] I’ll be at your door in three, two, one. Hey! Alright, you’re dressed. Good. Come on, let’s go. “Where are we going?” “Watch.” We get in the car. [mimics engine] And now we’re off on this adventure to go do an interview with Snoop Dogg. You guys, let me tell you something. We get to the neighborhood and we’re lost. The GPS says we’re there, but we’re lost. We’re looking for a house, and there’s no house, just a big building. And so I’m like, “This doesn’t look– A podcast? Really?” So I pull up to the security gate. [mimics engine, tires screeching] Tap the button on the wall. [beep, line trilling] “Security desk. Can I help you?” Hey, Security Desk. My name is Gabriel Iglesias. I think I’m here to do an interview with Snoop Dogg. “Okay, one moment.” Oh, okay, this is it. Good, good. I’m so excited. Snoop Dogg! It’s gonna be cool, right? [laughter] “Sir?” “Yes?” “Yes, hi, there’s no Gilbert Ignazios on file.” What? “Could it be another name?” “Another name? I don’t know. Fluffy, maybe?” [beep] And the gate starts to open. [laughter] I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m officially in the rappers’ world because my real name doesn’t mean shit!” [laughter] So we drive in. [mimics engine] And we’re passing all of these reserved parking spaces. Reserved, reserved, reserved, reserved. And we get to my space, which is basically an orange cone that has “Fluffy” handwritten on it. And a bunch of other names crossed off. [laughs] So Frankie moves the cone. I park the car. [vocalizes] We walk into the building. My publicist is waiting for me, right? She’s like, “Gabe! You made it. Frankie, how are you? Listen. I just finished talking to Snoop. [sighs]
Wow. He is everything you think he is and just a little bit more. He is so sweet. I cannot believe he was charged with double murder.” [laughter] “He told me to just walk you guys into the studio and he’ll be right back. He said he had to go outside and get in the right headspace or something…” “Okay, cool.” So she walks us into Snoop’s studio. I’m thinking I’m there for a podcast, come to find out it’s for a TV show. Snoop has a TV show where he interviews celebrities. Everyone in the room is waiting for Snoop to return. You can hear the small talk. [indistinct babbling, giggling] [crowd laughs] All of a sudden, everyone stands up and I’m looking around like, “What’s going on?” And I look at the door to see if Snoop’s walking in and I don’t see him and I could see my son. “Dad!” [muffled screaming] I don’t realize it, but Snoop is entering the room through a different door. I don’t realize it till, like, the last second. I’m like, “What do you–” So I jump up, I push in my chair. I’m so nervous, I don’t know how to address him. So I’m like… [laughter] I felt stupid. “Hi.” [laughter] Snoop walks over to me and he’s so cool, you guys. He’s so cool. He walks over to me and he grabs my hand. He’s really strong. He pulls me in and he says, “Yo, what it do, baby boo, how you feel?” [laughter, applause] “Thank you for having me.” “Yeah.” -“Can I sit down?” -“For sure.” [mimics chair] I sit down, I look over, I see my son. My son’s like… [laughter] The difference between Snoop’s show versus any other talk show I’ve ever done is that usually there’s a person, like a producer or a director who comes to you and gives you information, like how the show begins, topics you’re going to cover, how you go to commercial, how you come back from commercial… I’ve spoken to no one. Snoop just starts talking and at some point, they hit “Record.” I’m waiting for “Action!” or a buzzer. [mimics buzzer] Something! Snoop just starts talking to me. “Yo, what up, big Fluff?” “Big Fluff? Oh, that’s– Hey!” [laughter] “Yo, you like music?” “Snoop, I love music. I love your music.” “Yeah, that’s what’s up.” He opens up a laptop computer and then he hits “play.” And the next thing I know, we are listening to hardcore Mexican banda music. I mean hardcore. [vocalizing] And you can hear gunshots in the song. [laughter] [humming, mimics gunshots] [humming, mimics gunshots] [humming] And then a cow. [moos] [laughter] And the whole time Snoop is like, “I love it when he go moo.” [laughter] What? I feel like he’s messing with me because I’m Mexican, right? So I called him out. I said, “Snoop. Do you understand what you’re listening to?” And he said this, and it’s scared me. He said, “Gangster recognize gangster.” [crowd ooh’s] The reason why it scared me was because he was telling the truth. We were listening to actual Mexican cartel songs that don’t play on the radio. And the fact that he knew that, the fact that his level of street knowledge in another language was that on point, I said, “I gotta shut the hell up.” [laughter] Don’t speak unless spoken to. That’s the code. Next thing I know, Snoop reaches under the desk and he pulls out the biggest blunt I have ever seen. [crowd gasps] Oh, this sucker was huge. As soon as he pulled out that freaking blunt, got excited because I wanted to grab my cell phone. Okay, I wanted to grab my cell phone so that I could take a selfie of Snoop in the background being Snoop. So while I’m fumbling trying to get my phone, Snoop starts talking to me again. “Yo, Big Fluff?” Yeah, what? “Hit that while I hit this.” [laughter] The second I went like that, all of the cameras in the room: red light. Red light. Red light. Red light. Red light. My publicist is like, “No!” My son is like, “Yeah!” And now I’m being faced, bro. I’m being faced with a serious situation, because, you know, I’ve talked about friends participating and doing stuff like this, but I’ve never openly talked about myself… You know… And now I realized that from this moment forward, people are going to know what happened here with Snoop. So I started trying to find ways to justify it to myself. You know… If you’re going to do something like this on camera, you want it to be with Snoop. [laughter] You want it to be with Snoop, Cheech and Chong… [crowd cheering] …or Willie Nelson. [crowd cheering] Next thing I know, the manager hands me a lighter. I light it and I take a big hit. [sucking] So listen, I’m doing my best to hold in all this smoke, because I don’t want to look like a punk in front of Snoop Dogg. I’m trying, I’m fighting, bro. It’s hard, you know. [holding cough in] [laughter] The whole time Snoop is like, “Hell, yeah. That’s what I’m saying. Fluffy going puffy today.” [laughter] I do not remember the rest of the interview. What I remember is my buddy Anthony telling Snoop Dogg and I to stand up for a picture. “Stand up, get up for a picture.” And so Snoop and I both stand up to take this picture. I put my arm around him. I have to put my arm around him because he’s much taller than me, okay? Snoop has me by at least five inches. Shut up, alright? [laughs] [crowd cheering] You guys are laughing at the wrong jokes! [laughter] [Fluffy laughs] Bow-wow! [laughter] [low-pitched] Bow-wow. Everybody’s like, “This is a family show!” Well, apparently, that’s how families are made. That was too funny, sir. That was too funny. It’s sad how hard she laughed at that as she looked right at you. [laughter] I said, “Snoop has me by at least five inches,” and she’s like… [shrieks] Almost like she wasn’t even laughing at me. She was like laughing at you. So apparently you guys have some story that I just reignited. And now it’s awkward for all the kids. [laughter]
So anyway… Snoop and I are taking photos, and then I can hear my son. “Dad! Dad!” [gasps] “Oh! Um, Snoop, can my son take a photo with you?” “Yeah.” “Get over here!” And so Frankie runs up, you guys, and he’s so cute, because he’s geeking out really hard. He’s like… [laughter] “Snoop, this is my son, Frankie. Frankie, say hello to Snoop.” And Snoop looks at me, and he’s so cool, Snoop is like… “Yo, this your kid? What up, Baby Fluff?” [laughter] And Frankie’s like… [laughter] “I don’t like that name.” “That’s too bad. Get a job, go. Go.” So Snoop and Frankie go into the corner to take pictures. Meanwhile, I walk back over to the desk, because I want to grab the sheet that has Snoop’s name and my name on it. I want to have Snoop autograph it so that I can frame it and put it on my wall. While I’m doing that, Frankie walks up from behind me and he whispers in my ear, trying to be all cool. “Dad! Dad!” “Huh? What? What?” “Dad, would it be okay if I finish smoking that with Snoop?” [laughter] Now I am being faced with the biggest moral decision of my life. And I’m high. And my mind is racing a thousand miles an hour. I’m like, “Should I let him, should I not? Am I a good dad, am I a bad dad? What’s his mom gonna think? I need a Snickers.” I’m just– And then I thought about it. “You know… Frankie, you’re over 18. Technically, you don’t have to ask me if you don’t want to, so as far as I’m–” [laughter] “Where’d you go?” A minute later, I am recording my son in a cloud with Snoop Dogg. [crowd cheering] And then I sent the video to his mom. [laughter] Hashtag biscuit blocker. Yes, I did. [laughter] Now, did this actually happen? Yes, it did. You can go online and watch the video on YouTube. Punch in “Snoop Dogg”, next to that put “Fluffy” or “Gabriel” and you can see the whole thing. Let me know how it turns out. [laughter] The fact that I got to meet Snoop was awesome. He looked for me. But every now and then, I go out and I want to meet people, I want to see cool things. For example, comedy. I’m a huge fan of comedy. Not just performing it. But I love going to shows. I go to a comedy show every now and then, alone. Now, I don’t know if that sounds weird to you guys, but for me to do anything nowadays by myself… It’s my crew. All the people that work for me, they freak out when I go places. They’re always concerned for my safety. “What if someone tries to kidnap you?” [laughter] Well, they’re going to earn it. [laughter] I got into a fight with some of my team members and I said, “You know what? I’m going out.”
I bought myself a ticket and I went to go watch Chris Rock, one night, in concert. [crowd cheering] Now, I says, “You know what? Maybe I can make my way backstage and, I don’t know, if I get lucky, maybe I’ll say hi to him. I’ve always wanted to meet him.” So I go to the side of the stage and I run into security. And I said, “Hey!” He looked at me and said, “Fluffy!” When he did that, I said, “Hey, listen, I forgot my keys, I’ll be right back.” And the guy’s like, “Yeah, keep going, get your keys.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, that shit worked!” [laughter] Just like that, I snuck backstage at a Chris Rock concert. Once I was behind the curtain, I was in my element. I knew where everything was. I knew where the food was, I knew where the dressing rooms were, where the bathrooms were… I’m walking around with a soda, people are coming up to me. “We didn’t know you were going to be here.” “I got a call last minute.” [laughter] “Looking for my keys.” [laughter] I says, “You know what, I got this far. I’m going to push it. I want to meet him.” I’ve always wanted to meet Chris Rock. It was not hard. Once I was back there, I just had to go to the dressing rooms. All I had to do was read the name on the door. I’m standing there, in front of the door, and I’m hyperventilating. [panting] [mimics knocking] The door opens up and there’s this man in there, this bodyguard who’s just massive. I’m a big guy, but damn, he was huge! As soon as he opened the door… [low-pitched growl] [mimics whooshing] [roaring] For real. Welcome to Jurassic– Big! Grandote. And I’m standing there and I’m like… “Hi.” And he’s like, “Can I help you?” “Yes, my name is Gabriel, I’m a comedian. And I wanted to see if I could say hi to Chris Rock if that’s possible.” “You say you comedian?” “Yes.” “Well, then you understand Chris is going over his material right now. He really ain’t trying to talk to nobody. So I’ll tell you what, player, if you want to come by after the show, You’re more than welcome to, but right now it’s not a good time. Chris Rock is a busy man.” [clicks tongue, sighs] [laughter] “Can I wave?” “Excuse me?” “Can I wave?” “What you mean?” “Can I wave to Chris? I don’t have to come in. Can I wave?” Chris Rock is in the room. He can hear the stupid conversation that’s taking place. [laughter] I know this because I can hear Chris Rock in the background. “What’s going on? Who’s at the door? Move out the way.” “Yo, Chris, I got this, man. I got this.” “Move!” “Alright.” The guy stands to the side. And now I’m looking at Chris Rock. And he recognized me. And it freaked me out. Oh, yeah, it freaked me out. He’s like, “Oh, shit! Look who it is. Look who it is. It’s the king of the Mexicans.” [laughter] Chris Rock called me the king of the Mexicans. For the rest of the show, everyone referred to me as “El Chapo.” I was celebrating the fact that I got away with that for so long. For so long! “I snuck backstage at Chris Rock! I snuck backstage, I snuck–“
Until Karma showed up one day, in the form of the most extreme fan I have ever had in 20 years of me being a comedian. I had someone who not only made it backstage. This person paid to get into my dressing room. Okay? Yeah. He didn’t pay me, by the way. He didn’t pay me. I’m an honest hoe. Okay? I made no money that day, alright? If I had gotten paid, you wouldn’t be hearing this story. Here’s the thing. I walk into my dressing room from the bathroom. I just finished showering up and I’m in a towel. I walk into the room, come to find out later that this man was a very wealthy businessman in the community, okay? And when I walked into the room, he’s wearing a very, very nice suit. So when I saw the suit, I didn’t give it a second thought, because he looked professional. I thought maybe he was the general manager of the building, one of the concert promoters, he could have been someone’s agent… So when I walked in the room, in my towel, right, “Can I help you?” He looks at me and it was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had. He looks at me and says, “Listen. [inhales deeply, exhales] [laughter] I am not here to waste any of your time. Fluffy, I am prepared to take care of you. I will give you a new Lexus. And an allowance that’s more than what you make as a comedian. Leave with me.” [laughter] I was never more disgusted and offended at the fact that I was not gay. [laughter] Because finally! Finally, somebody wants to take care of me. [cheering, applause] Do you know how many people I take care of? No one’s ever offered me a Lexus, and they should. I felt horrible saying no to this guy. I still think about it. [laughter] I still have the number. [laughter]
Houston, I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t know how this is going to go over, but I’m going to say it. I would be an amazing gay partner. [laughter] I would! All the way up until that one part, but even then. [laughter] Have you ever driven a Lexus? [laughter] Those are nice! Sometimes you got to take one for your own team. I’m just saying. [laughter] Now, in all seriousness, not to be funny, not to be disrespectful, let me tell you the reason why I would be an amazing gay partner. The level, the level of communication between two men is so high, I might actually get an answer. There might be clarity and understanding. I might hear a yes, I might hear a no. Do you know how many relationships I have been in where I still don’t know the outcome to certain conversations? [laughter] Very simple “yes or no” questions. That’s what I would do. Something as simple as… Bebé, you hungry? “Well… I haven’t eaten yet, so I probably should eat something, but I’m not feeling it right now. But if I don’t eat right now, you know how I’m gonna get later. So I guess it’s probably a good idea if I start eating right now, but it really depends on the options. What do you think?” Ah! What about this one? Bebé, where would you like to eat? [laughter] You hear all the guys? “Finally! I’m not alone!” Everybody’s pointing at somebody right now. Guys, am I right? This has to be– You would think that this is the safest question in the world to ask, but it’s not. “Well… Just pick something. You know me, I go with the flow. Whatever you decide is okay with me. You know me already, just pick something.” “Alright, we’re going to Burger King.” “I don’t like Burger King. Why do we got to go to Burger King? Burger King gives me chorro.” [laughter] Chorro is Mexican diarrhea. How about this one? “How do you feel?” “Really? Really? You want to know how I feel? Well, maybe if you’d pay attention from time to time, you might know how I feel. You might not need to have to ask me such a question, because you would already know exactly how I feel. You might have time and energy. I’m exhausted to let you know how I feel and you have the nerve to ask me ‘How do you feel?'”
Now imagine the exact same conversation between me and Mr. Lexus. [laughter] Do you know how efficient that conversation would be? “Hey, bro! You hungry?” “I thought you’d never ask.” “What do you want to eat?” “Whatever you want to eat.” “We’re going to Burger King.” “I love Whoppers.” [laughter] “Me, too!” We go to Burger King and we tear it up. We get back home and I ask him, “Hey, how do you feel?” “Horny.” [laughter] “Me, too! How do you want to do this? Heads or tails?” [laughter] It would be efficient! [applause] This is hypothetical. But believe me, I still think about it, you know? Especially whenever I get into fights with my girl and she says something like, “Oh, you think you can do better?” I know I can have a Lexus. [laughter]
I don’t know, man. I know we’re in the middle of a Netflix taping. Whoever is running the light up there, just want to make sure, ’cause I keep moving. And I stepped out of your light twice. Any other show, I’d be like, “No problem, no big deal.” But this is for Netflix. It’s the people that replaced Comedy Central. [crowd ooh’s] But no, I’ll try not to move too fast, but how slow are you if you can’t keep up with me? [laughter] You should work for Immigration. [laughter] I’m just giving you a hard time. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Ladies and gen– I apologize for that. Can we give a big round of applause to our person running the spotlight up there? [applause] I honestly don’t think that the people that work behind the scenes, like spotlight operators, get enough credit. Whether it’s spotlight operators, the people that run the cameras, the people that set up the stages, the people that work security, the people that run the building. Without them, there is no show. And the same thing goes with me. I got my own support team: managers, agents, promoters, you know, freaking merchandise people.
I have a bus driver named Dave, who has never received any credit. And he’s been working for me for almost 10 years now. This man… [cheering and applause] This man has successfully gotten me to every single comedy show on time, without fail. [crowd cheering] If I had to describe him to you, okay? Dave looks like the word ‘Murica. [laughter] Not “America.” ‘Murica! He’s about six feet tall and he’s white. He has a gray beard and he wears a trucker hat. And he’s got to be one of the most hardworking people I have ever met. When I say hardworking, Hey, I’m on the road 46 weeks out of the year. So I know. The difference is I fly home every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Dave stays on that bus and he gets it to the next city, where we meet him. He works anniversaries, holidays, special moments. Christmas time, I was with my family. Dave was driving that bus on the East Coast. New Year’s, I was with my family. Dave was on the East Coast driving that bus. One of the hardest working people I’ve ever met. I just want to give a shout-out. [applause, cheering] In addition to being hardworking, he’s, uh– He’s very honest. When I say honest, I don’t mean “Oh, he does his taxes right.” I mean painfully honest. No-filter honest. He talks the way people used to. He does not have time to mince words. He just calls it like he sees it. Before me, he used to work with a man by the name of Kenny G. Grammy Award winner, amazing, amazing music. Um… one day, Kenny G was on his tour bus that Dave was driving, and I guess the two of them had a little discussion and Kenny G used some words that Dave would’ve rather him not have used. And instead of getting into it with him, this is what Dave does. [mimics engine, tires screeching] [brake hissing, door whooshing] Kicked Kenny G off of his own bus. [laughter] Because he would rather lose his job than lose his self-respect. And that’s the man I work with. [cheering, applause]
He’s a bad dude. You guys are clapping, but you should’ve seen the interview. Oh, man, it was a good one. [laughs] He looks at me and he says, “Hey! Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t give a shit who you are. You treat me right, I’ll treat you right. You pay me on time, you’ll live. [laughter] Not to mention the fact that he keeps that tour bus squeaky clean. And he takes a lot of pride in that as well. One night, I was drinking on the bus, and I go to put my cup down. And I miss the table, and the cup hit the floor. I didn’t get up right away to get the cup, because I figured I’ll get up in a couple minutes and make myself another drink, I’ll pick up the cup then. Dave sees the cup on the floor, and then he looks at me and says, “Hey! I ain’t your mama. Pick that shit up!” [laughter] I get to the back of the bus and I’m like, “Wait a minute, I pay him.” “Hey, Dave…” “Shut up!” “Yeah, I’ll be in the back, in my room. Thank you. Drive safe.” And people tell me, “You work with a man who talks that way to you? Why?” Let me tell you why. Because he’s honest. With Dave, you know exactly what you get. Nowadays, it’s so hard for me to tell who’s being genuine and who has an agenda, and with him, you know exactly where you stand. If he likes you, he loves you. And if not, you’re on the curb with Kenny G. [laughter]
That being said, I have a story to share. [scattered whooping] About a year and a half ago, maybe longer, we’re on the bus and we’re heading down the highway. [mimics bus thrumming] Just so you have kind of an understanding of the bus layout. Let’s say this is the front. Here’s Dave, the driver. Empty seat. And then a sliding door that goes in between him and the rest of the tour bus. My buddy Alfred and I are in the living room portion and we’re watching TV. We’re watching the news, and on the news, there’s this person who is running for some type of office. No particular office. [laughter] And I guess their big plan is to erect a structure… [laughter] …between two bodies of land. [laughter] Somewhere. And I guess they want one side of the structure to finance the entire project. Well, my buddy Alfred and I have a lot of family that works in construction and we know a bad job when we see one. So we started to voice our opinion out loud about how we felt about this person and what they wanted to do. We’re being very loud. So loud, Dave can hear us and then we hear Dave. [exaggerated laugh] “‘Murica.” [laughter] I yell out to Dave, I say, “Be quiet, Dave. This isn’t about you.” He taps a button on the dashboard that activates the sliding door. And when the door is about that far from closing, he yells out, “I’m building a wall.” [thud] [laughter] I couldn’t even get upset because I was too much in shock over the fact that that came out of someone four feet away from me. My buddy Alfred and I, we looked like chickens. We’re like… [clucking noises] My cell phone goes off. [mimics phone vibrating] I take out my phone and there’s a text message. From Dave. [laughter] And I said, “That’s right. He better say, ‘I’m sorry.’ He better say, ‘Just kidding.'” I open up the text message and it says, “And you’re paying for it.” [laughter, applause] And people tell me, “You still work with him after that?” Yes, I do. I trust that man with my life every single night. I know where his heart’s at. He can say whatever he wants. At the end of the day, he still has to drive around the king of the Mexicans. [laughter] [whooping, applause]
The point to this story is just because you have a difference in opinion, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have respect for one another, you can’t have love for one another, that you can’t have incredible friendships with one another. It’s our differences that make us special. What a lot of us need to work on is our delivery. It’s all in the way you say things. That’s why text messages are always misinterpreted. ‘Cause you read the text according to how you feel. “What does he mean, ‘Hello’?” Yeah. Anyway, Dave has gotten us to 48 of the 50 states. He doesn’t travel with us outside of America. He prefers it that way. Last year, we got a chance to do a European tour of 15 countries. Estonia, Germany, Norway, Belgium, the Netherlands, UK… We’re just bouncing around all over the place. And then we wound up on the other side of the world.
Out of all the countries I performed in, my favorite country outside of home is Australia. And I’ll tell you why. Australia, much like us in America, has its list of priorities. You know what’s not on their list? Political correctness. They do not care about your feelings. It’s like a country full of Daves. [laughter] Believe it or not, it’s very refreshing to be around such a large group of people who speak their minds so freely. And if you know that before you go there, you’re going to have an amazing time, but if you don’t know that and you show up, it is a culture shock and a half, because I showed up and I didn’t know. Everybody says you got to see the beaches and I went to the beach. I had people coming up to me. “Hey! Somebody help me get him back in the water.” [laughter] “Yeah, right there, big fella. Look at you, right there. Oh, wait, he’s moving. He’s moving, he’s moving. Oh, he’s crying! He’s crying! I bet it tastes like gravy.” [laughter] It’s not bullying if everyone does it.
Yeah, that being said, I’m in Australia. Sydney, Australia, at the Opera House, for me, was one of the most iconic places I’ve ever got to perform in and it was bucket list, definitely. After the show, I want to go hang out with some Aussies see what that was like. I’m hanging out at a pub. First things first. Australian people do not drink Foster’s beer. That’s an American thing. They don’t drink that over there. I tried ordering one to fit in, didn’t go over well. Bartender looked at me, “You like the taste of piss, do ya?” [laughter] “Okay, don’t order that again.” So I’m hanging out with these two Aussies and we’re drinking a rum called Bundaberg. At first glance, it looks like a Coca-Cola bottle because there’s a polar bear on the front and then you drink it and you’re like, “That’s not Coke.” [laughter] As we’re talking, a third Australian joined the conversation, and he sounded a little bit different from the other two. He had more of a raspy voice. More like… [growls indistinctly] He sounded like a drunk pirate underwater. [laughter] These two guys didn’t like him, so they called him a name and they left, and now it’s just me and drunk pirate. We’re talking about life. Life in America, life in Australia, talking about our differences. He tells me that he’s a professional knife maker. He’s showing me how it’s done, he’s showing me pictures. We wind up polishing off three bottles of this rum. And drunk wasn’t even the right word to describe our level. My tour manager Ryan, he comes up to me and he says, “Gabe, time to go.” And I look at Ryan and I’m like, “But Ryan, I just made a friend and he makes knives and they’re pretty.” My tour manager always knows how to talk to me no matter what condition I’m in. If I’m drunk, he knows better than to talk to me like I’m an adult. He talks to me like I’m two. He looks at me and he says, “Hey, buddy. [laughter] You hungry? [laughter] Well, listen, if we don’t leave right now, they’re gonna close McDonald’s and you’re going to have to eat at the airport.” I gotta go. “Alright, mate, you gotta go, you gotta go. No worries.” And he goes to shake my hand. And when he shook my hand, he put his personal pocket knife that he made in my hand as a gift. “That’s for you, mate. Thanks for being nice.” “Thank you! Thank you! I’ll cut cheeseburgers with this.” [laughter]
We leave, and we head to the restaurant. [mimics engine] The manager at the restaurant recognized me. He’s a big fan. And he said, “Hey, stay as long as you like.” Shouldn’t have said that. The plan was do the show, go have some drinks, get a bite to eat, go to the hotel, shower up and then go to the airport. We stayed so long at the restaurant, we had to go straight to the airport. So we get there, and you don’t sober up in like two hours, after three bottles of rum. I was not in airport condition. [laughter] And so my tour manager has one hand on each shoulder, right? Ryan’s trying to push me through the airport, and, you know, he’s about 190. I’m not. [laughter] And he’s pushing me with everything. [laughter] And he gets me all the way to airport security. And airport security in Australia, you don’t have to take off your shoes, and I didn’t worry about taking off a belt because I don’t wear a belt, ’cause I have a butt. So he lines me up with airport security and he tells me, “I got to let you go.” “Don’t let me go.” “I got to let you go.” “Don’t let me go!” And then he pushed me, and I’m going forward. And he yells out, “You’re a plane!” and the two-year-old came out. “I’m a plane!” [laughter, applause] And now this Fluffy 747 is headed right for the metal detector, and I can see the security officer on the other side. [laughter] And when I got really close, Ryan yells out, “Wings down! Wings down!” And I went through and I didn’t touch the edges, but when I went through… [beep] -[man in the crowd] The knife. -[crowd gasps] I sobered up for half a second because I realized, Oh, my God, I forgot to check the knife that the guy gave me and it’s on me and I’ve already cleared the freaking… You know… So I’m like… The security officer does this. “Eh, go ahead.” [laughter] Houston, sober me would have internally celebrated the fact that I am not going to prison for sneaking a knife past airport security and boarding a flight. Drunk me was offended. [laughter] Oh, you can ask my buddy, Ryan was right behind me. I looked at the security officer and I said, “Hey! Hey! How do you know? How do you know I’m not a terrorist?” And I can hear my friends in line. “Fuck!” [laughter] The security officer in uniform, wearing a badge, looks at me and says, “Hey, when have you ever seen a fat terrorist?” [laughter] “Eh, look at him. He’s crying. I bet it tastes like gravy.” [laughter]
Yeah. -You guys, I gotta tell you– -[man] We love you, Fluffy! What happened, bro? [man] We love you! Do you have a Lexus? [laughter] ‘Cause I’m not passing that up again. [laughter] [laughing] Sorry. I just– But thank you. [laughing] Actually, I’ve had some pretty awesome times over the last 20 years. And whenever I talk to fans, they have certain questions about my past, whether it’s my family, my upbringing, where my mom came from, where my dad came from… Certain stories. I love the fact that I had someone ask me one time, “In your 20-plus years as a comedian, what has been your greatest moment?” My greatest moment wasn’t even something that happened at a show, but it was because of what I was able to do for someone very special to me. My mom, who is no longer with us, she meant everything to me. She was my biggest supporter, even though she would never laugh at my jokes. She would get mad at her friends that wouldn’t laugh. -“¿Pendejo, por que no te ríes?” -[laughter] How come you don’t laugh?
I did something really awesome for my mom before she passed away. I took her to go see a man by the name of Vicente Fernandez. [crowd cheering] In concert. now if you’re not familiar with who Vicente Fernandez is, he is basically Mexican Elvis. But he’s still alive. [laughter] So a few years ago, Vicente Fernandez and myself were both performing at the same venue, a venue called the Gibson Amphitheatre in Los Angeles. It is no longer there. A woman by the name of Emily was running the building. I was there the week before Vicente Fernandez, and after three sold-out shows she comes up to me and says, “Gabriel, thank you so much for this incredible business. We’re so happy with how the shows turned out. I have a question for you. Is your mom a fan of Vicente Fernandez?” I said, “Emily, my mom’s Mexican. [laughter] It’s the law.” [laughter] “I thought so. Listen, Vicente Fernandez is going to be performing here next week. And I wanted to do something very special for you to show my appreciation. Do you think you and your mom would like to come see him perform and I’ll get you front-row center?” I said, “Emily, that sounds amazing. I’m pretty sure the answer is yes, but my mom is old school, so I still got to ask. I’ll call you.” So I get to my mom’s house, and I see her. “Mama.” “Dime, mi hijo.” Mi hijo in Spanish means “my son.” So my mom would always tell me that, my son, mi hijo. Mi hijo. “Dime, mi hijo.” “Tell me, my son.” I said, “Mom, would you like to go see Vicente Fernandez in concert?” And she looked at me and said, “Mi hijo, that sounds nice.” That’s exactly how she said it. She was very even-keeled. She wouldn’t show a lot of emotion. So I call Emily and I said my mom’s in. “Awesome. I’ll see you next week.” So we get to the venue and we’re early, so they have us in this little VIP section where they’re giving us free drinks and free snacks, and my mom was so cute. She walks up to me and she says, “Mi hijo, are the drinks free?” I said, “Mom, yeah, the drinks are free, but don’t worry about it.” “No, no, no, mi hijo, I didn’t bring any money. I don’t have no money.” I said, “Mom, you made an ATM. You’re good.” [laughter] [cheering, applause] The messed up part is that she didn’t even like drinking. She just wanted to walk around with a couple of drinks so she’d look like she was part of the party. -[laughter] -You know? So she’s got a couple drinks, and as it was, when she’d walk around, she’d have a little bit of a limp, because she had just had toe surgery a couple months prior. So she had kind of like a little– It looked like she was dancing. [vocalizing] So she’s walking around. Here comes Emily. “Gabriel, you made it!” I go, “Yeah, this is my mom. Emily, this is my mom, Esther. Mom, this is Emily.” “They’re free!” “She knows they’re free. She made this happen.” “Oh, thank you, thank you! You’re the one who hired mi hijo. Gracias. Thank you so much.” Emily goes, “Can I talk to you for a second?” “Sure. Mom, I’ll be right back. What’s up, Emily?” “Gabriel, do you think your mom would you like to meet Vicente Fernandez right now?” I said, “Emily, let me tell you something… [laughter] …if she says no, I want to meet him. [laughter] I’ll be right back.” “Mamá.” “Dime, mi hijo”. Emily wants to know if you would like to meet Vicente Fernandez right now. “Mi hijo, that sounds nice.” “Alright. Emily, she’s in.” Emily goes, “Is she even a fan?” I go, “Trust me, that’s her reaction. She’s good. She has the whole house covered with Vicente Fernandez records and cassettes. Okay? We’re good.” So Emily comes back. And she puts the special VIP bracelets on us with a little click, and she walks us through a door into the backstage area. As soon as we went through the door, I knew exactly where we were. I was just there a week ago. So I got my mom arm in arm, and we’re walking down the hallway, okay? Come on, Mama. Let’s go. Let’s go. We’re walking down the hallway, and we’re getting closer and closer to Vicente Fernandez’s dressing room. The door is wide open, and I can hear a commotion coming out of the dressing room. [shrieking] And then a man and a woman exit the room and the man is holding on to the woman’s shoulders and he’s like, “It’s okay, it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay.” And the woman looks destroyed. Okay? [wailing] Mascara is running down her face. My mom sees that and she’s like, “Mi hijo, did you see that? Did you see the mascara… [shrieks] With the mascara– Parece puta la cabrona.” [laughter] Sorry. Puta means “friendly.” [laughter] So we get by the door, and the closer we get, we start to see a guy in the room. Then he comes to the door. In the room, there’s three people, okay? There’s Vicente Fernandez, the photographer and a handler. The handler comes to the door, and you can tell by his voice that he works for like a Mexican radio station, ’cause he’s got that voice. “Hola! Hola! Pasale! Pasale!” Pasale in Spanish means “come on in.” So we start to walk into the room. And let me tell you guys something, If you grew up listening to Vicente Fernandez from a young age, and you get the opportunity to meet him, it is seriously a religious experience. My mom and I are entering the room, the only thing missing is the freaking… [imitates cleric speaking Latin] [laughter] You don’t look at him. You look at the floor. Out of respect, you just look at the floor. “Come on, Ma”. We get all the way up to him and I see boots. And when I see the boots, my mom and I both just… [laughter] He knows what you’re doing. He knows you’re checking him out. So what he does is he poses, okay? Vicente stands there and he poses. He’ll have the sombrero, the hat, to his side. And then, he doesn’t look at you. He looks away. [laughter] And he sticks his chest out and he stands there looking like a big-ass bottle of Tapatio at Costco. [laughter] [applause] And then he looked at me. [mimics whooshing] And he recognized me. not as a comedian, but because I was there the week before and my photo was hanging outside his door. It was whoever is there last, they always rotate the photo. So he sees me and he’s like, “Mi hijo, tu eres el muchacho que esta en la foto ahí afuera.” “Yeah, that’s me outside, yeah. Hola!” [laughter] “Oh. Vicente, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Le presento… mi mamá!” [laughter] I’m like, “Oh, my God. I think I just offered up my mom to Vicente Fernandez.” [laughter] She’s like 73. “Better late than never, Mom, get him!” My mom starts walking up to, Vicente. He was so nice. He goes out to shake my mom’s hand and my mom grabs his hand. And I don’t know where she got this strength and energy from, but she grabbed him and pulled him in. Hard, like the video game. “Get over here!” And then hooked him. She hooked him and she starts screaming into his chest. “Mi Chente!” I’m like, “Oh, my God. She’s getting horny.” [laughter] And he knew, too! ‘Cause he was like, “Quitamela! Quitamela!” The photographer, the handler and me. The three of us is what it took to pull her off of Vicente. We sit her down, she’s bawling. [wailing] Mascara is running down her face. [laughter] The photographer shaking his head. I guess Vicente had dinner earlier that night. He was eating barbecue, ’cause they had those wet naps. Barbecue wet naps. And so we take the wet naps and we start cleaning the mascara off my mom’s face. We stand her up. We posed her and we took the picture. Emily comes over and she takes us and she escorts us to our seats in the front. And for three hours… for three hours, my mom was on her feet listening to him and she refused to sit down. “Mom, you should sit down–” “No, ¿cómo qué? És el Chente.” Holding a shot of tequila that she never drank. [laughter] She just– She was– [laughter] Three hours on her feet. Never once sat down. That’s how powerful his music was. [applause] My mom felt no pain for that entire time. And the minute that freaking concert was over, “Tan-taran, tan-tan.” “My feet! Oh, my God, mi hijo, mis pies. Ay, pinche callo. “Oh, my God, my feet! Ay!” And I’m like, “Oh, great.” So now I gotta drag this living novela to the parking lot. I helped her into the car. “My feet!” “I told you to sit down.” “You don’t sit for Chente.” Here comes Emily. “Did you guys have a good time?” I go, “Emily, we had the greatest time. Thank you so much.” “I got something for you.” Oh, what’s that? And she hands me an envelope and I open it, and inside the envelope is the picture. She printed it out for me, and when I looked at it I got so choked up because I have never seen my mom so happy in a picture. And it’s not that she wouldn’t smile. She would smile, but it was that “one, two, three, cheese.” [laughter] But this one was like… [laughter] And what makes it extra special is that it’s the last photo I have of my mom and she was the happiest. And I know that that moment wouldn’t be possible if I did not do this for a living. [applause] So thank you for that. Sorry, now a lot of people are like, “We came to laugh…” -[mumbling indistinctly in Spanish] -[laughter]
Houston, I got to share this story. Twenty years ago, when I started doing this, okay, the fact that we’re here tonight in an arena doing a comedy special is huge, but everything… Everything has a beginning. The fact that I can travel and I meet so many people, “we are your fans,” “we are your fans,” and social media shows over 10 million, everything comes from somewhere. And the fact that tonight I have in the audience my first two fans that ever came out to see one of my shows, I flew them out from Los Angeles to be here tonight. [cheering and applause] Monica, Tony, where you guys at? There you are. Ladies and gentlemen… [crowd cheering] …Monica and Tony Sanchez. When I say they were my first fans, they were my first, they would come out… I used to perform in her garage. And she’ll tell you. Oh, yeah. Right next to the Ford. [laughter] They were the first ones. They were the first ones to come see me perform at a little dive– hole-in-the-wall inside of a casino in California. And, um… You know, to have met these people so many years ago and they’d come out, she would tell me with her husband, “You were so funny, we’ll be back next week.” I’m like, “But it’s the same 5-minute show.” She goes, “You’re funny, we’ll bring more people. We’ll bring more people. She was my first fan club. She would get friends and bring them out to the show. [applause] And she has pictures of me in that garage. I wish you wouldn’t put them online, but you do. [laughter] But I just wanted to say thank you, guys, and I’m glad you could be here tonight. Twenty years doing this, so I think it’s only right that tonight we close this show the way that the first one began. [cheering, applause] I get pulled over one night two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. You better still laugh, Houston! I made a left turn instead of making a right turn but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, right? I was like, “You’re going to get it when you get home, you’ve been so bad! So bad! [screams] Gonna get it!” I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way. [mimics car turning] Sure enough… [mimics siren chirping] Oh! [tires screech] Later. [mumbling] The officer is taking forever. I said, “Forget this, he’s taking too long.” I grab my box, I put it on my lap. I flipped it open. Hmm! [laughs] Hmm… [shrieks] And just as I was about to tear it up, the officer gets to the window. “You know why I stopped you?” It was too easy. -I said, “‘Cause you could smell it!” -[crowd] …could smell it! [cheering and applause] Keep going! [crowd exclaims] -Houston, keep going! -[crowd] Yeah! I should have started the show like this, okay? Um, I bought a Volkswagen Beetle about seven years ago. [crowd cheering] And when you buy a new car, you want to show it off, whether it’s brand new or just new to you. So I take my car to my friend Martin’s house. You’ve seen Martin. Very real. I pull up. [mimics tires screeching] I yell out the window, -Mar– -[crowd, in unison] Martin! [cheering, applause] [whooping] You don’t need me anymore. [laughter] That’s freaking awesome! Thank you. Love you, too. Hold on, hold on. I forgot the joke. Hold on. [laughter] I know how it starts and I know how it ends. I’m just not used to starting from the middle. [laughter] That’s what she said. No, just– [laughter] Stop. You deserve better than that. Um… Martin… lives in a bad neighborhood. I don’t get out of the car. Across the street from his house live these gang members, the kind of gang members who don’t really hurt anybody. They just talk a lot of trash and watch Frozen. [laughter] And I pull up in a Beetle. [mimics tires screeching] [all in unison] Martin! Across the street, I hear… [all in unison] Órale! [cheering and applause] Let me finish! [laughter] -Someone said, “That’s what she said.” -[laughter] [Fluffy laughs] Hey, hey. [clicks tongue] Ah! I turn around. “Hey, what’s up, you guys? How’s it going?” “How did you get in there, ese?” “Hurry up, Martin!” A couple of months go by. I fix up the car. I put racing rims on it, some stickers. I put little chip in the motor to make it go faster. Two hundred and fifty horsepower Volkswagen Beetle. The car is bad. I pull up. [mimics driving, tires screeching] [engine revving] -[horn honking] -[laughter] [all in unison] Martin! [all in unison] Órale! Some of you are drunk. [laughter] This is what I just heard. I heard… “Órale!” “Le!” Keep up! I know it’s Mexicans too. I hear the accent. I hear that– [mumbles indistinctly mocking Mexican accent] Even the white people are like, “Hello! It’s odalay.” [laughter] “Get it together.” Keep up! -Eh. -[crowd] Eh. [all in unison] Eh. [all in unison] Yoo-hoo! “What?” [all in unison] “Check it out, eh, it’s the Fat and the Furious!” I heard you, Houston! [cheering and applause] I heard you. You guys were saying the joke with me like it was a song. Like it was the Mexican version of Freebird. [laughter] Keep going! [crowd roars] Keep going! [crowd roars] Chills.
My son Frankie, when he graduated from high school, I was very, very proud of him and I was very excited. And, uh… For me, it was very emotional, because I was the one that got to take him to school on that last day, and it meant a lot, because you know what? [laughs] I was allowed to leave him anywhere I wanted to. I can leave him in the front. I can leave him on the side. I can put him in the back. I can make him walk. That wasn’t the case many years ago, when I was taking him to elementary school. And they had a designated drop-off area on the side of the school, where they had cones in the middle of the street. They had a supervisor there with a walkie-talkie and a whistle to make sure that your kids would get out of the car safely and onto the school grounds. One day we’re late because the night before I had a big show like this one. And people brought me chocolate cakes. And I took the cakes home and my son killed one of the cakes. And the next day, the cake… [mimics stomach rumbling] …killed Frankie. [laughter] Oh, it was bad. [mimics high-pitched fart] Chorro! Chocomilk! For the non-Mexicans: Yoo-hoo! [laughter] For the non-Mexicans with money: Nestle Quik! [laughter] Same joke. We get to the school. There’s no longer supervisor, no walkie-talkie, no whistle, the gate’s locked. I said, “I’m not leaving my kid here.” I’m going to drop him off in front. And I guess I wasn’t supposed to do that and I didn’t know, and at the time, I didn’t really care. We pull up. [mimics car driving, tires screeching] “Go.” “I’m not supposed to get off here.” “You’re late. Go.” [groans] And he cracks the door. And as soon as his foot hits the curb, here comes the principal. And I know who it is, ’cause he’s freaking out, right? He’s like… [whispering] “It’s the principal!” “Dude, relax. I’m 32, I don’t give a damn!” [laughter] Here comes the principal and she’s doing this one. [high-pitched voice] “Sir! Sir! Sir, this is not the designated drop-off area. Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here.” I was like, “Watch this.” Señora, no sé lo que esta diciendo. Aqui estoy dejando a mi hijo. El no se levantó a la mañana. It’s not my fault. Yo no sé. “That’s how you do it, homeboy. That’s how you do it.” That principal was awesome because she was like, [American accent] Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. Okay? [American accent] Saca la vuelta al otro lado de la escuela. Okay? [all in unison] Allá, si, si. Aqui, no, no. [all in unison] Allá, si, si. Aqui, no, no. [all in unison] Yo no soy pendeja! [laughter, applause] Monica, Tony. Twenty years ago, when I was in your garage, if you would’ve told me this was going to happen I’d have said you’re crazy. If you would have told me, “Twenty years from now people are going to come out and fill up arenas to see you. They’re going to cheer for you, and they’re going to finish your jokes… in Houston, Texas.” [crowd cheering, applauding] This special is dedicated to both of you and to this city. That’s Houston strong. Thank you very much, and you have a great night! And I hope I keep making you proud. Thank you. [cheering, applause]