Recorded at Carnegie Hall, New York City in 1982, released in 1983.

Everybody’s heard the old joke how do you get to Carnegie Hall; practice, man, practice. Well, like most people, I did all my practicing at home in my own neighborhood. I grew up on the Upper West Side of New York City, General Grant was one of my neighbors. I had a lot of fun in my neighborhood, I did a lot of practicing. And sooner or later, I just wanted to get downtown to show them what I could do. And I had to find out how to get there. In New York City if you don’t know how to get somewhere, all you gotta do is ask somebody, they’ll tell ya, even if they don’t know. Hey, tell me something, you got a second? Uh-huh. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? I don’t know, I gonna really tell you. I don’t know how to get to Carnegie Hall. Yeah, you from around here? Uh, yeah, I live right there, man. I don’t even know where I am now, how the hell could I tell you how to get to Carnegie Hall. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? From here? Well, no, from the moon. Take the bus up on the corner there down to 57th Street, get off there, that’s a block walk. Can’t I take the subway here? Got a gun permit? Take the plane. Take the plane? The 59th Street plane? Well, that depends on which way you wanna go. Well, all I can say, you can take a car down there. Take the bus, it’ll leave you right in front of there. Okay. I don’t know the number, but I get there. Jump on a cab, tell the man to take you downtown, you ain’t got no bread, just jump out. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Well, if you don’t have a car, you use subway. And then if you don’t have money, you hop the turnstile. You hop… Hop the turnstile. Then if you’re for real, you go to court. As you can see, not everybody agrees on how to get there. Now, when I was a kid, if you wanted to get somewhere, you had to take whatever ride was available. I believe my ride has just arrived. We want George, we want George, we want George… Hi there, how are you? Hello there. How you doing? Good evening everybody. Hello there. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, good evening, my name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian, as opposed to the kind you run into at work all day long. It’s nice being a comedian, there are, uh, certain advantages, naturally. And a few disadvantages, there are some drawbacks to being a comedian. No one on death row has ever said, “Before I die, I wanna talk to a comedian.” You ever hear anyone at the scene of an accident say, “Quick, call a comedian, for God sakes!” But it would be kind of fun at an accident to push your way through the crowd and say, “May I be of help, I’m a professional comedian.” And sooner or later, at least once in your life, when the policeman says to you, “What are you, a comedian?” You’ve gotta look him right in the eye and say, actually, yes. Even criminals have no respect for comedians. What do they say, first thing they do when they hold you up? “Don’t try anything funny. First one makes a funny move gets it.” Whenever they’re not looking I go. Well, that’s my job, thinking up goofy shit. Thinking up goofy shit, coming around every now and then, letting you know what it is, or reminding you of things you already know, but forgot to laugh at the first time they happened. We all have things like that, you hear it during the day and then you don’t remember it at all. For instance, I’ve noticed they have disposable douche, and I’m wondering who would want to keep it in the first place!

I do have a lot, some not a lot, but I have some notes over here, and, uh, the reason for that is I haven’t been doing this lately, I want to make sure I know and remember everything tonight. I’ve been taking a little time off, six months I think I took, uh, three of them, uh, quite voluntarily, and the other three quite against my will. I had a heart attack, or as they say in Boston, I had a heart attack. He had a heart attack, you hear about George? He had a goddamn myocardial infarction. I had a heart attack. Fortunately, my pharmacist, my cardiologist and my doctor give me CPR. But I would like to bring you up to date, uh, on the comedian’s health sweepstakes. As it stands right now, I lead Richard Prior in heart attacks, two to one. I am ahead, I am ahead, that’s right. Now, however, Richard still leads me one to nothing on burning yourself up. Well, the way it happened was, first Richard had a heart attack, then I had a heart attack, then Richard burned himself up, then I said fuck that, I’m gonna have another heart attack.

I had an interesting morning, got into an argument… got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard “Snap, crackle, fuck him.” I don’t know which one of them said it, I was reaching for the artificial sweetener and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, well, you can all just sit right there in the milk, far as I’m concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that. A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. Just sit in the milk, far as I’m concerned. Silly me, big punishment, that’s what they do anyway, Sit in the milk. That’s their job. That’s Rice Krispies’ job, sitting in the milk. You’ve seen them, haven’t you? Floating along, little beige blisters of air, riding proudly in the milk. But you can’t sink them, they float for a long time. And you know why, they stay together. They gather together in little groups, little groups of eight, ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen, but always an even number if you’ve noticed. It’s the polarity of the Krispies that attracts them. They form little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can’t sink them, you try to sink them with a spoon, they come up over the sides. You can’t sink them, that’s what the fruit is for, sinking the Rice Krispies. Good size peach will take down 80 or 90 of them. If I’m really pissed, I’ll drop a watermelon on them.

But I say interesting about my morning ’cause it was, it’s not… I don’t have a nice day anymore. I don’t bother much with that. I think I’m beyond that now, I think I’ve outgrown the nice day. I think I’ve had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? Let somebody else have a few. Of course, everybody still wants me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. Have a nice day! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wanna give me my fucking change, please? I’m triple parked. Some of them are really insistent, I said have a nice day! All right, all right, goddammit, all right, I’ll give it a shot! That’s the trouble with have a nice day, it puts all the pressure on you. Now you’ve gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time, all because of some loose-lipped cashier. Have a nice day, maybe I don’t feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve had 116 nice days in a row, and I’m ready, by God, for a crappy day. I never hear that, let them wish one of them. Hey, have a crappy day. Thank you, and to your wonderful family, as well. A crappy day, hey, that would be easy, it’s no trouble at all, a crappy day. Just get up. There’s no planning involved for a crappy day.

I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing, it’s the word nice. It’s just a weak word, it doesn’t have a lot of character, you know? Nice. Isn’t he nice? Oh, he is so nice. And she’s nice, too. Isn’t that nice? How nice they are. I don’t care for that, you know? That’s like fine. There’s another word. How are you? Fine. Bullshit! Nobody’s fine. Hair is fine. How’s your hair? Fine. That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are great. Did you ever meet those guys? Great. Isn’t this great? Goddamn, this is great. Look, they’re kill that guy. Isn’t that great? That’s great. No, not me, I’m not nice, I’m not fine, I’m not great. People ask me how I am, I say I’m fairly decent. I don’t give them any superlatives, nothing to gossip about. Relatively okay. Sometimes I’ll say I’m moderately neato. If I’m in a particularly jaunty mood, I’ll say, I’m not unwell, thank you. That pisses them off because they have to figure that one out for themselves.

So… it reminds me of something my first grade teacher used to say to me, a little lady. She used to say, you show me a tropical fruit, and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. No, that, that was someone else, that was someone else. I think it was someone I met in the Army. Always confuse them, I don’t know what it is.

Ever been looking through the refrigerator and come across an empty plate? Well, that starts me to wondering. I think, did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the peas. Maybe that chicken isn’t really dead, and he’s grazing on my stuff. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, you know, just… just waiting for the lights to go out so he can get back to work. I guess the worst thing that can happen cleaning out or looking through the refrigerator is to come across… something… that you cannot identify… at all. You literally do not know what it is. It could be meat, it could be cake. Usually at a time like that I’ll bluff. Honey, is this good? Well, what is it? I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it. It looks like meat-cake. Well, smell it. Actually, it has no smell whatsoever. It’s good, put it back. Somebody is saving it. It’ll turn up in something. That’s what frightens me.

I was what they called a fussy eater. He’s fussy. He’s a fussy eater. Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass. I mean, if I didn’t like something, I told them. I didn’t play with my food, pick at my food, I said I don’t like that. You make this, I don’t like it. Why? They wanted reasons. Well, you don’t always have a reason. I don’t know. I know I don’t like it. And I know that if I ate it, I would like it even less. You like it, you eat it. Then they would try to corner me with logic, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never even tried? It came to me in a dream. Big pain in the ass.

Some things I didn’t like just because of the sound of the foods. To this day, I can still not eat… yogurt, yogurt. It sounds like it’s coming up again. Yogurt, yogurt. I can’t eat anything with a Y and a G in it. Something else that doesn’t sound so good, squash. You want some squash? Shit no! Sounds like somebody sat on my dinner. Succotash. Want some succotash? What did you call me, you fuck? Look out, hey, look out, come on. Hey, hey, fucking cool out. Hey, it’s fucking lima beans and corn. Cool out, cool out. Wheat germ. No, get off my plate. Even something like eggplant. Well, which one is it anyway? Tell it to make up its mind and then come on back. Terrible sounding food, head cheese. I can’t even look at the sign. I’ll be down near the baloney, you look at it. Between head cheese and blood tongue, I may never eat again. It certainly won’t be at the deli.

Then there are some foods that sound too humorous to eat. Did you ever hear of something too funny to eat? Guacamole. That sounds like something you wear to a dance. May I borrow your green guacamole? Garbanzo. Hey, want some garbanzos? It sounds like a circus act. Ladies and gentlemen, the garbanzos. And the funniest food of all time, kumquats. I don’t even bring them home anymore. They just go to waste.

Some things don’t look right. I don’t like that, ma. Don’t look right to me. Did you make that? Is there a picture of it in the cookbook? I’ll bet it don’t look like that. Let’s face it, be honest, some things don’t look right. Of course, some people eat anything, I know that. Some guys will eat anything. I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line. What’s this, never mind, give me a whole lot of it. That’s rat’s asshole, Don. Well, it certainly makes a hell of a fondue. Don’t look right. I don’t eat anything I don’t recognize immediately. If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I pass, you know? Tomatoes don’t look right, either. On the outside, they’re fine. Tomatoes look lovely on the outside. But you look inside a tomato and something is wrong. Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato. It doesn’t look right, you know? It doesn’t look like it’s finished yet, for one thing. It looks like it’s in the larval stage or something. There’s thousands of seeds and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff. Get it off my plate. It’s gushy, it’s like that stuff at the end of an egg. And I know it’s not the end of an egg, it’s the beginning of a chicken. It’s hen cum. Get it off my plate. It don’t look right. Something else that doesn’t look like food, lobsters and crabs. I mean, anything coming at me walking sideways with big pincers somehow doesn’t make me hungry. In fact, my instinct is step on that fuck. Look at the big bug, step on the big bug before he gets to the children. They look like they mean business. Can’t order frogs legs in a restaurant. I keep wondering what did they do with the rest of the frog? What do they do with it, they give them little dollies and send them back out into the world to beg? Try, try to return them to a normal life if you can. The trouble is, the dollies for froggies program has been cut in half. We’ve probably seen the last froggie dolly for a long, long time. I’d rather eat a box of cookies. Doesn’t that always come in handy? Just eat a goddamn box of cookies. You ever do that, a whole box of cookies right in a row. I don’t mean you take them out. I mean eat them in the kitchen, standing right in the kitchen. Eat a whole goddamn box of cookies. Just stare at the electric clock while you’re eating those cookies. Did you ever notice right on the cookies it says open here. Well, what the fuck do they think you’re gonna do, move to Hong Kong to open up their cookies? Of course you’re going to open them here, you’re going to eat them here. You almost have to open them here. Thank God it doesn’t say open somewhere else. Shit, I’d be up all night trying to find a good location.

Got a little news for you. Let’s, uh, let’s take a look at the news tonight. See what’s going on. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, here is some of the news, the US Army announced today that it was true that during the first part of the 1960’s they had performed LSD tests on human beings which destroyed their minds. However, they have claimed that none of the victims has been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.

A man who was attempting to walk around the world, drowned today.

Twenty-six people were killed today when two funeral processions crashed into one another, police say the casualty list does not include the two men who were already dead.

Another first for County Hospital as a woman has checked in to have her tits reversed. When asked why she was having it done, she said that her left tit was her favorite, and she wants it on her right side where her left-handed husband can reach it easily.

The ASPCA announced today that they have filed a criminal complaint against a man who was keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man says it is true, but that he never turns the blender above mix. The ASPCA claims he’s had it up to whip and puree several times.

A passenger shot six people on the downtown bus today, then asked for a transfer and shot six people on the cross-town bus. In order to prevent this happening in the future, authorities are discontinuing the transfer system.

Here are the results of the blind person’s golf tournament, They’ve just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes. Just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole.

A 65-year-old woman who was trotting backwards from Winnipeg to Rio was killed today when she was hit by a truck head on from the rear.

A small town in Tennessee just downwind from a nuclear plant believes it may have received some radiation. Everyone is dead, and the trees are humming.

Although the Internal Revenue Service has begun to crack down on businessmen for the three-martini lunch, they will not bother the working man and the two-joint coffee break.

A man who was attempting to circle the world in a hot air balloon died today when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance.

A spokesman for the Reagan administration has said that many dead people are really only sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits.

On the lighter side of the news, a couple who was celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary died of shock today at the beginning of a surprise party.

Well, to kind of wind up the news tonight, and there’s so often so much death and tragedy, a man in Texas was arrested today for shooting and killing his wife, son, two daughters, his mother and father, all four of his grandparents, his dog, his mailman, three neighbors and a woman who works at the filling station. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off. Thank you, thank you very much.

Have you noticed that you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.

Did you realize that the Mexican hat dance was written by two individuals? A lot of folks don’t know that. The first guy wrote da da da da, and the second guy wrote, da la la la, da da da. If it weren’t for the second guy, the Mexican hat dance would have gone, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da. They were so happy with what they discovered that they went out to celebrate, and they met another guy, and he went, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la. La la la la. …it takes two. This is the musical portion of our show. You know what bothers me? Hey, you know what… is that me? Yes it is. You know what bothers me? I could never find out the rest of the words to Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay. Everybody knows Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, hmmmm, hmmmm. I did find them out, someone sent them to me. Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, did you get yours today, I got mine yesterday, that’s why I walk this way. You know how you can tell when a moth farts? He flies in a straight line.

Do you realize that somewhere in the world is the worst doctor? Has to be, process of elimination, sooner or later you’re gonna find the worst doctor. And the weird part is that… someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, youse are trying to butter me up. Don’t give me that shit. Yes, in goddamn deed. I love that dog. I’ve never seen him and I love him. He’s gonna be wonderful when I meet that dog. Hey, you want a dog? You want a goddamn dog? Go ahead man, you can have a dog. I got three of them, man. You want a fucking dog? You have it man, it’s yours. Lots of people got lots of goddamn doggies. And you don’t even have to have one to learn about doggies, your friend might have a dog. It could be your friend’s dog. He makes you… that makes him your dog friend. You go to visit your friend and his dog is there and you pet him. Hi, hello. How are you Sneezie? You’re wonderful. Hello, goddamn. I mean, for that moment, he’s your dog. So you can have someone else’s dog for a while. Hi, he likes, he likes me. I think, oh my God, look at this doggie here. Goddamn doggies. There’s lots of things to know about him, too. Lots of things you learn. You don’t know where always, and you can’t remember. For instance, can you remember the first time you found out that by scratching a dog here, you could make this leg go like that. And, that you could make it stop when you stop. Goddamn, I’m in complete control of this dog. Or that you can make their head tilt from across the room just by making a funny noise. You go… and he goes. Oh look honey, isn’t he cute? Let’s get his head fixed so he stays like that. Oh, you can get their heads done. Cost you a bundle, and they don’t like it. Makes them move to the same side all the time. Cute little goddamn doggie. Do you ever eat candy right in front of your dog? I don’t mean a Milky Way. I mean one at a time candy, like M&Ms. And you watch where he’s looking, he’s following your fingertips. Oh, boy, this asshole drops one Jujube, I’m going for his femoral artery. Did you ever spell in front of your dog? Some of them are smart. You’ve gotta spell. Honey, do we have any more b-o-n-e-s? B, they know the sound of B alone. B, bone, bone, bone. Take it easy, take it easy. You know, there’s all kinds of dogs, and all sizes of dogs, too. There’s a lot of goddamn big dogs, you know, big dogs. I don’t mean big. I don’t mean a big dog. I mean a fucking-big-dog. Some people have got goddamn big doggies. Look like they ought to have commercial license plate on them. Livestock dogs. What the hell is that? That’s my dog. He blocked out the sun. That’s Tiny. Little dog is different. Little dog will get around and do fine. He’ll jump all he wants. I don’t know how they jump so high. They got little teeny legs like this. They got legs, if you feel a little dog’s leg, it feels like a beef jerky in there, man. They can jump up on the bed all they want to. Holy God, do that again. Oh, man, one more time. I make him keep doing it till he can’t reach anymore, boom, boom, boom. Then if I want him up there, I’ll put him up there. And sooner or later, what’s gonna happen with the little dog? Sooner or later, lying on the bed he’s gonna create an incident. He’s gonna make one of you humans turn to the other and say, whew. Honey, did you fart? Not me, I thought you farted. Not me, whew. That’s not even one of my farts. I’ve got four farts, and that’s not one of mine. I’ve got my Heineken’s fart, I got my broccoli fart, my rice pudding fart, and my non-dairy creamer fart, and that’s not one of my farts. I know… the dog farted. Tippy, why did you fart? Look at him, he knows he farted. I seen his asshole open up. I seen it. Well, I happened to be looking at his asshole by chance. What kind of a question is that? I thought he was doing them deep breathing exercises. You see, dogs have nothing to do. There’s no job description for a dog. They’re forced to wait for something to happen that they can get in on. If you do something, they’ll be glad to join you. But they rarely initiate any activity on their own. They’re just waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting to come in, waiting to go out, waiting to eat, waiting to crap, waiting to wake up, waiting to sleep, waiting to go upstairs, waiting to go downstairs. Sometimes they’re just waiting to wait. You ever seen a dog just standing there? He don’t know what he’s waiting for, but if it happens, he’ll be ready. Just a waiting and a waiting, waiting for you to come home. They don’t understand time. A dog doesn’t know the difference between an hour and a half or next week. He thinks you’re going to be gone forever. That’s the only time period dogs really understand, forever. That’s how long they think everything lasts. That’s how long they think everything takes, forever and ever. Did you ever scratch your dog behind the ears? Oh boy, they love that, huh? The more you scratching your doggie behind the ears and he really loves that, and you’re looking at him and everything, and when you finally stop he looks at you like you’re a criminal. He thought it was gonna go on and on and on. Same thing when you feed them, soon as they get finished they say, where the fuck’s the food? They thought it was the loaves and the fishes, it was gonna last forever and ever. Dog don’t know, they must think we’re gonna be gone forever, otherwise why would they act the way they do when we finally get home. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I didn’t know what to do. You know what? I don’t know how to operate the can opener. How do you operate the can opener? I didn’t know what to do, man. What, do you push it down? I couldn’t think of it. Do you know what? Do you know what I did? I took a can of dog food and I rolled it down the hill, and hoped a truck ran it over. That’s all I could think of, man. I mean, they’ll do that if you even just forgot your hat. You come back in eight seconds, oh boy, oh boy, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I was gonna eat your bird, I couldn’t find the bird. Where the fuck’s the bird? Will you stop that, I was just here. God, they get you mad sometimes, don’t they? Do you ever get mad at your dog, and you feel really dumb and you get all the way to work and you’re still pissed at your pet. What’s the matter, Dan? Well, the dog, goddamn it, never mind. He chewed the legs off everything. Okay, I’ll see you at lunch. Dog don’t care. He’ll do whatever is next. He don’t know what’s next, but he’ll do something. They’ll do two things in a row that don’t go together. You ever seen a dog walking through a room and suddenly he stops and chews his back for 18 minutes? And then when he’s finished chewing, as if it were scheduled for right then, of course, then when he’s finished he doesn’t even know where it was he was gonna go. Where was I gonna go? Oh, shit, oh, I think I’ll go over here. Oh, this is nice over here. I think I’ll keep coming over here. He don’t know, he don’t care. Dog don’t care. Like I say, he’ll do anything. He might embarrass you. He might do something inappropriate when you have company, huh? You might have some folks in visiting you, some of them you don’t know that well, trying to impress a couple of them. Hey, you might be trying to borrow money off one of these studs. Dog is lying out there in the living room, you got all these people sitting around, you got a little chip, a little dip. Dog’s in full view of everyone, got carrot sticks, celery sticks, little lady fingers, finger ladies, all sorts of little things that you got. And everybody’s eating nicely, and you look down and you realize that the dog is licking his balls. No one says anything, no one mentions it, spectacular thing going on. Hey, if I could reach, I’d never leave the house. Are you kidding? Poor little guy. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. He’ll come, he’ll apologize to you. He’ll come around a few hours later and apologize. He’ll give you that doggie look, give you them eyes, you know, they have such a great expression, almost human. Sometimes we say that. Isn’t he, look, he looks almost human, Dan. They do, you know? They look like they know something about your mother. They’re not willing to mention it right away. They’re just looking at you like they got a trig problem they can’t quite solve. There’s a, there’s a sad look in their eyes, all the sadness in the world is right in the eyes of a dog. Did you ever do this? Look right into your doggie’s eyes and think of something really sad. And it’ll look like it’s happening to your dog. Strangest thing, they look at you like that. You know why they have so successful a look, cause they got eyebrows. Dogs have eyebrows, or at least little ridges that pass for eyebrows. They got little things… that they can manipulate, just like we do. Oh, please… please daddy, one… more… treat.

Cats can’t look at you like that. Cats don’t look at that… cats look at you coldly, as if they’re testing new eyes. Reason cats look different, cats don’t have eyebrows. Cats have a bunch of shit sticking out of their head. They thought it was gonna be an eyebrow, but it didn’t work out. Let’s not tell them, they think it’s an eyebrow. It’s just a bunch of shit, sticking out of their heads. Cats are all different. They do everything different than a doggie. Cats are cute, cats are goddamn cute. Isn’t he cute? Look at him, God, he’s cute. He’s a kitty cat. That’s how cute they are. They needed two names. Kitty wasn’t cute enough, kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? The kitty cat, look at him. Isn’t he cute? Let’s drown him. He’s a cute little goddamn kitty cat, ain’t he? Look. Stick on the wall, see if he hangs up there. Whoa! Little goddamn kitty cat. They’re so goddamn cute when they’re teeny. I hope he stays that size forever. He’s darling. Isn’t he wonderful? Cute little goddamn kitty cat. They can jump any way they want. When they’re teeny, they can jump straight up in the air without a run. They just go vooom. They can even jump backwards to the side. How’d he do that? Holy shit. They can do anything. Jump and be cute as can be, cute goddamn kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? God, I love them. They’re so cute. They’re even cute when they kill. Isn’t he, Look, he’s playing with the mouse. Bullshit. Mouse doesn’t feel that way. They’re cute. Oh, he’s so precious, just tearing the throat right out of that bird. Cute as can be. They kill, see, they like to kill something. That’s what they want to do, that’s why they act so nice. They wanna go yaaah. Even when they’re teeny, when they’re just born. You take a baby, baby, that is a human, you take a baby dog and a baby cat, and you attack all three of them, which I try never to do if I can help it, but you’ll get three different results. You attack a baby, he cries. You attack a puppy, he cowers. You attack kitty cat, he fights. One day old, they’re looking for some shit. They ain’t even got their eyes open, they’ll grab anything. Nasty little cute thing. Cute little nasty guy. Oh, they’re wonderful, God love them. They’re so physical. That’s what’s fun. They’re so physical. They love to rub on you. They love to rub on you. If you’ve got a leg and a cat, whew, you got a party. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I love his leg, oh boy. I’m rubbing on his leg, oh boy, oh boy. If you got two legs, shit, jubilee celebration time. Oh boy, two legs, hot shit. I can do the figure eight. They love to do the figure eight, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I love to rub on his leg. They’ll rub against your leg even if you’re not there yet. You might still be 50 feet down the hall, they see you coming, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, soon I’ll be rubbing on his leg, soon. They’ll even walk sideways so they don’t miss you, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. They love it. They’re so physical. You don’t have to pet a cat, you just put your hand over him and he’ll do all the work, man. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. You pet him, you ever pet a cat who’s lying absolutely flat, and before you’re halfway finished his ass is way up in the air. Like you pressed the ass button or something. Isn’t he a cute little… holy shit, how did he do that? Then they jump on your chest and put their ass right in your face. Here’s my ass, dad, check this ass, huh? And while they’re showing you their ass, they give you some of this stuff. I say get him off of me, Jesus, I hate that. I don’t even know what it is, and I don’t like it. It looked like they’re into some bad drug. There’s one other quality cats have, which, uh, I admire, cats don’t accept blame. They don’t embarrass at all. A cat does something dumb, you’d never know it by looking at him. Dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it just by looking at the dog. Not the cat. Cat doesn’t accept any blame. Cat moves along to the next activity. What’s that? Not me, fuck that, I’m a cat. Something break, ask the dog. Cat doesn’t get embarrassed. You ever seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door? I meant that, I meant that, I meant that. That’s exactly how I wanted that to look. Fucking meow, fucking meow, fucking meow. That’s what they say when they get behind the couch. A cat’s too proud to let you see him suffer, but you look behind the couch and you’ll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident. They got little slings and walkers, you know. Tried to make the window from the lamp. Little kitty cat, goddamn kitty cat. Do you realize Hitler only had one ball? What do you think about a man with one ball? Do you think he has two strikes against him? Maybe he’s got one ball and two strikes. Hitler only had one ball. A lot of people don’t know that. A lot of people don’t know that. They say Hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls… one.

For some time I was trying to get a list of words together that would fairly represent the dirty words, cause nobody gives you a list of dirty words for life, have you noticed that? There’s some words that are perfectly clean but sound like they could be filthy if you gave them just a little help. A word like pussyfoot. It’s perfectly clean. But when you say pussyfoot there’s a little giggle, cause people know that with a little help this word could be filthy. No matter what form of the verb you try, it’s clean as a verb, but pussyfoot could be a noun. It could be a noun, pussyfoot, a rare disorder. A female birth defect. Hello boys, I have pussyfoot. God, you sure do, lady. And I love them open-toed shoes you have on. Well, I’d rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker, I can say that.

Or beer nuts. God, that must be awful. Beer nuts, the official disease of Milwaukee. I know whenever I see the little canister behind the bar, I drop in a couple of dollars for beer nuts. I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts. Or, cotton balls. Which is the dreaded final stage of beer nuts. When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls, I’ll be heading home to you. It’s an old Southern hymn.

Lots of little phrases like that in the language that don’t quite say what they mean. Take a shit is another one. Take a shit!? You don’t take shit, you leave a shit! That’s the whole idea, to leave it. I left a shit. Fine, thank you, Jeff. Where’d you leave it? In the icebox. I’m gonna take a shit. Don’t take one of mine! I only have two left and the weekend is coming up. Why don’t you go home and take one of your own shits. Guy’s always mooching off me. He must think I’m made of shit or something. Boy, that shit don’t grow on trees, you know? Well, enough of that shit. Lots of little phrases like that.

Pick your nose is, well, blow your nose. Blow your nose is a phrase. Imagine that, blowing your nose. I don’t believe they really mean that, do you? You can’t blow your nose. I believe it’s physically impossible to blow your nose. You might get somebody else to blow your nose, but it would have to be a real good friend.

Cocktails, another clean word. You can advertise them. You can put up signs all over town, cocktails. As long as you use both halves of the word, perfectly fine. But you can’t advertise either one of those two items if you break those words in half. They’ll come and take your sign down. Cocktail, it’s okay. It depends on how you say that kind of word. You ladies like some cocktails? Hey lady, you want a cocktail?

Cockpit. Men will actually laugh about that, cockpit. Get it? Oh yeah.

Bangkok, there’s a lovely city. How would you like to be a hooker in Bangkok? It would seem like a natural habitat.

Peacock. NBC is really proud of their peacock. You know what a female peacock is? A peacunt.

My list, I was just trying to isolate the words that were always filthy, not the ones that were sometimes dirty. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting, just one try. But we had to add some, we had shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, and then we added fart, turd and twat, which also don’t have other meanings. You know, twat’s twat, and that’s that. But after a while, it didn’t take long, well, it took quite a while. But I finally discovered that there are only two words on the list you really had to deal with to sort of look at the double standard that television uses where language is concerned. Uh, the two words were fart and fuck. Those are the only two. They seem similar because you can’t say either one of them. You can’t say fart and you can’t say fuck. No matter how cleverly you try to work them in, no matter how clinical the conversation is, fart and fuck will not show up on the final tape. You simply cannot say them. But that’s where the similarity ends, cause at least with the word fuck, even though you can’t say the word fuck, you can talk about fucking. Oh, you can refer to fucking, there’s lots of fuck talk going on, on TV, they just don’t call it fucking. That’s the secret, they don’t use that word. There’s plenty of fuck talk. You see people who wrote a book about fucking. You’ll see a guy on a talk show who wrote a book about fucking. How to fuck, who to fuck, when to fuck, why to fuck and how to feel after you fuck. This man is a fuck expert and he wrote a fuck book, and he’s talking to Merv Griffin about fucking, and they’re getting away with it cause they don’t call it fucking. Same with the soap operas, everybody, you take a look at a soap opera, and you know everybody is fucking somebody on a soap opera. And if they’re not fucking somebody, they’re trying to fuck somebody. Will he fuck her, did he fuck her, has he fucked her, should he fuck her, can he fuck her some more, will they fuck too much, will they get silly from fucking, who is fucking who, that’s all you want to know, is what the fuck is going on, on this program here. You know that somebody is getting fucked, and you think it’s you. So there’s lots of fuck talk, and there’s plenty of fucking on television, they just don’t call it fucking. They call it everything else.

Now, on the other hand, farts, not only can you not mention the word fart, but you can’t refer to farts at all. That’s how bad farts are, they’re worse than fucking. You never hear anybody talking about farts on TV. You’ve never seen a guy who wrote a book on farts; how to fart, who to fart at, how to feel after you fart. There’s no fart experts on the Merv Griffin Show, you don’t see any farts or fart references, it’s a fart free zone. Wouldn’t you think after 35 years one guy by now would have gone, whew? Just once, just once I’d like to see someone on the Johnny Carson panel say, Hey, Ed, move down, man. That was a Clydesdale fart.

Well, anyway, uh, after a while I realized that I was needlessly restricting myself to seven words, and only to the ones that weren’t allowed on TV. I mean, there were a lot more to be looked at, and television isn’t the only place that objects to your language sometimes. There are lots of situations where you’re not supposed to say that. So I expanded the list by as many as I could, and I’d like to share some with you now. This list is a little longer than it was before. First we start with the ones we already know; shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Crap, balls, prick, asshole, jackoff, jerkoff, scumbag, douche bag, hard-on, rod-on, boner, stiff, piss hard, blue balls, nookie, cooze, gash, slash, hole, slit, snatch, box, beaver, pussy, bearded clam, gism, cum, cream, juice, pecker, peckerhead, peckertracks, dick, dork, dong, doniker, wang, shlong, shwans, pork, crabs, ass, butt, heinie, tuckus, bum, buns, cheeks, screw, lay, diddle, plow, hump, bang, poke, batter, wham, knock up, bugger, ground, jugs, bazooms, knockers, knobs, lungs, balloons, dildo, joy stick, hair pie, muff, cornhole, rim job, blow job, sugar bowl pie, suck off, give head, sit on my face, butt fuck, finger fuck, clap, bleat, 69, 71 which is 69 with two fingers up your ass, daisy chain, circle jerk, cock teaser, wet dream, cunt struck, pussy whipped, short arm, tuna taco, group grope, milking the chicken, bulldagger, gangbang, ball breaker, ball buster, merkin, bananas and cream, up the old dirt road, around the world, beat your meat, whack off, flogging your dong, pounding your pud, beating the bishop, poontang, dingleberry, sit on it, fudge packer, milking the lizard, fart face, old fart, farting around, fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat, quickie, queer, queen, putz, put out, push, beef injection, dog style, pop your cookies, bust your nuts, one-eyed monster, knob, pocket pool, tail, piddle, paddle the pickle, one-man band, snapper, notch, garage, shaft, stick, piece of ass, goddammit, pimp, hooker, punk, faggot, dike, lezzie, box lunch, sea food, hand job, hammer, hatch, head job, hot nuts, hum job, prong, jelly roll, jerk the gherkin, lob, meat whistle, cheese, cat fan, middle leg, wanking, bootie, love muscle, snappin’ pussy, bitch, bastard, clam, bite the brown, going up mustard road, bone on, bush, button, cunt lapper, cherry, tool, dingus, quif, quim, get off, joint, peace, stem, root, crack, cootch, crud, eat me, fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck off, piss off, piss on you, stick it, stuff it, ram it, jam it, cram it, horny, peter, the one-eyed wonder worm, piece of ass, little brown eyeball, golden showers, pound cake, boy in the boat, brown eyes, brown nose, sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster fuck, rod of love, copping a feel, copping a cherry, copping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony, dipping your wick, going down on, dry hump, fist fuck, skin flute, french job, furburger, nuts, get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hung, ginch, gobble, diesel dock, rubber, shoot… diesel dike that was… syph, wad, cocksman, tit fuck, tongue, rough trade, trick, weenie and yodeling in the gully. Thank you and I’ll see you next time.

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