THE UNIVERSITY OF THE ARTS MERRIAM THEATER

♪America has to take those blindfolds off ♪
♪ You are not machines! ♪
♪ Blindfolds off ♪
[scratching]
♪ You are men! ♪
♪ Blindfolds off ♪

Coming to the stage, he’s the king of comedy. Y’all clap your hands right now for my man–D.L. Hughley! [cheering]

CONTRARIAN

How about it, Philadelphia?

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

This is a hell of a city y’all got here, man. I was walking here, a motherfucker tried to sell me a bootleg shirt of me. I was like… “This is spelled wrong.” “How you know, motherfucker?”

I’m glad 2017 is over, man. -It took everybody. Prince gone. -[audience] Yeah. How the fuck Prince gone and Bobby Brown healthy as hell? That’s how you know God wasn’t working that day. That must have been a intern. “Stephanie, what did you do? I said, ‘Soldier Boy.'” That would have been sad, but not quite as sad. You could live without that.

I flew United Airlines. That’s a rough deal there. United beating the shit out of they passengers. Remember they beat that Vietnamese doctor so bad, he started speaking English? “Ouch! Shit!” I fly United, I fly first class. I make ’em close that curtain ’cause I don’t like that suffering go back in coach. “It’s so hot, we can’t breathe.” “Close the curtain. I can’t take it.” “Only have one upgrade. I can’t help ’em all. Please, Jesus. Just put the dog in the overhead.” [loud groaning] Now, if I’d have said “baby”, y’all wouldn’t have moaned at all. “Well, they got them little pillows up there. Ain’t no dog ever kicked my chair the whole flight.”

I know, man. That Me Too movement, man. I’m so glad that women are finally get their respect and dignity they deserve. It’s a different world for men. You got to be careful. You can’t just say anything. Got to be very careful what you say to women these days. “Hey, excuse me. You look very nice. I mean, if that’s okay with you.” “I’m not losing my house ’cause you got a big ass.” If I worked in corporate America, I wouldn’t speak at all. “Hello.” “Whatever.”
That Me Too movement confuses me. They seem inconsistent, man. Take, for example, they had two celebrities – one black, one white. Both were accused of sexual assault by dozens of women. Now, on the black one, going to the big house. The white one’s in the White House, so… I think… If I was Bill Cosby, I’d start a Y’all Too movement. “Hey, Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein – y’all too. Yeah.”
Remember that one protester ran at Bill Cosby with her shirt off with the victims of… all 50 victims across her chest? That’s crazy, man. If a man see you with your titties, the last thing he’s trying to do is read. “I didn’t know you spelled Brenda with a nipple.”

Black Panther was a huge movie. Give yourself– Man, we really showed up for that one. [cheering] We was all at the mall. White people were shook. “My God, there are a lot of black people in the food court.” “Does that guy Tyler Perry have a new movie out or something?” “I’m not gonna walk through a drum circle to get to Sbarros.” “There’s a guy with a plate in his lip in front of Panda Express.” We all went for different reason. Black people, we went for inspiration. White people went for information. “So that’s what they’re up to.”
It was rough ’cause–For three days, man, we was a three-day weekend when that movie broke. For three days, we resided in the imaginary kingdom of Wakanda. But on Tuesday, we was right back to work for real. “This is not Wakanda. This is Wells Fargo.” “I’m gonna need you to open that drawer and take that goddamn dashiki off.” [applause] “And stop leaving your spear in the break room. It’s scaring the customers.” “Oh, and you make that X again, you’re gonna be an ex-employee.” “Oh, and it’s Collins, not Colonizer, asshole. I saw it.”

Black people voted in Alabama. 98% of black women, 94% of black men. Man, we showing up. Roy Moore Jr. That’s it. If you want to make sure black people go to the polls, let a white dude ride down the street on a horse. We was at home. “Is this motherfucker on a horse?” “We voting today.” “Hey, Ernestine, go get my nine pieces of ID.”

Everybody’s concerned about they DNA, man. Everybody want to know where they from, their ancestry. I think it’s fucked up to live in America when they stole you from your homeland, then sell your ancestry back to you. “For a hundred dollars, I’ll show you where we stole you from.” Nah, that definitely wouldn’t be right. I ain’t gonna buy that. You notice white people are always very excited when they got a little black in them? “Hey, I’m three percent black. You’re not gonna report that to Equifax, are you?” “I want to be black enough to be cool, but not fuck up my credit score.”

America’s changing, man. I just saw Stormy Daniels on 60 Minutes, man. That was weird. That was the first time I’ve ever watched a porno star with the sound up. “You know, they sure doing a lot of talking in this fucking movie.” It was weird watching 60 Minutes with Vaseline and a washcloth in my hand. “Goddamn it, that’s Anderson Cooper. Shit!” “I almost took a wrong turn.” Stormy Daniels said that Trump had sex with her unprotected. Raw-dogging a porn star? I’m like… That make me question your judgment. If you ain’t worrying about gonorrhea, how can you help us with North Korea? [applause]

This man is obsessed with President Obama. He wants to overturn single thing he ever did, man. Last time I saw anybody that obsessed with a black man, it was a Kardashian. [groaning] They hated Obama so much, some people voted against their own interest. If you got a pre-existing condition like type 2 diabetes and you voted for Trump, you hate niggas more than you like your feet. Now, the black man in me is appalled by Trump, but the nigga in me is intrigued. “How is he getting away with this?” Do you realize the shit I would do if I could fire the motherfucker that was investigating me? “President, is that cocaine on your desk?” “You don’t see any cocaine.” “That’s fake news.” “This is a witch hunt.”

Now they want to build a wall and kick all the Mexicans out. I ain’t no engineer, but you better not kick those Mexicans out before that wall get built. ‘Cause black people do not work outside like that no more. Fuck that shit. We had our turn. That’s what February’s all about. When a job’s too hard for us, we call Mexicans. “Hey, Javier, what you doing, man?” “Yeah. Meet me in front of the Home Depot.” “You can wear your soccer shoes. I need a living room built by tomorrow.” “Oh, and happy Cinco de Mayo, my brother.”
Want to kick out the hardest-working people in America. I cannot wait to see white people cutting they own grass. “Jesus Christ, is it always this hot out here?” [applause] “How do you say ‘I’m sorry’ in Spanish”? “This is overwhelming.” “Good thing I’m three percent black. I wouldn’t be able to take any of this.”
If they kick the Mexicans out, I’m goin’ with them. Fuck y’all. I’m… I’m not paying $300 a strawberry. [applause] I’m not doing it.

A lot of poor white people voted for Donald Trump. How the fuck you broke and white in America? How did you blow a 400-year head start? “Aw, you almost had it.” “Got to be quicker.” If you broke and white in America, you are wasting your whiteness. You should put your whiteness on eBay. Black people will buy that, won’t we? “Ah…” “Gently used whiteness.” “This is from West Virginia. I don’t need that. That’s just…” “That’s like being a nigga right there. I don’t need this.” “Percocet come with this. I don’t know. What’s that?” “Ooh, give me some of that New York whiteness. Ooh, Fifth Avenue whiteness. Sprinkle a little Jew on it. Shit!”

I hate when white people pretend color wasn’t involved in they decision. “I don’t even see color.” “Oh, you don’t? Well, how come y’all so good at describing niggas to the police?” They seem to be very adept at that. They call the police on black people for anything. “Wait a minute, Officer.” “There’s a black guy. He’s 250 pounds… and 6 foot 5.” “He’s in my living room.” “I’m watching football.” “Wait a minute. He’s getting away. A commercial’s coming on.”

One thing’s for sure. White supremacists are bold since Trump’s been in office. I saw them down in Charlottesville with tiki torches, and that fucked me up, ’cause those are the torches we use to keep bugs out of our backyard. I didn’t know they worked on niggas, too. Who knew we was allergic to citronella? I guess I know how to make you motherfuckers leave my barbecue. “Come on, Ernestine. This nigga done broke out some citronella.”
I saw white supremacists saying dumb shit like, “We want our country back!” Well, as I recall, when you had the country all to yourself, you invited niggas to the party, didn’t you? [applause] It ain’t like we booked a cruise here ’cause we heard they was hiring. “Ooh, they hiring in America. Get on the boat.” “You know, slavery is a choice.” [audience groaning] Oh. That’s the most ignorant shit I’ve ever heard in my life. So if slavery was a choice, Harriet Tubman must have been a travel agent. [loud laughter]

I can’t fuck with Kanye no more. That’s the thing. I can’t. Y’all can do whatever y’all want. He’s ruined for me. I don’t give a fuck. [whooping] ‘Cause, generally, if you make a album good enough, black people will make excuses for you. “Well, you know, he ain’t been right since his mama died.” “I’m just saying.” We’ll make excuses for you, your album good enough. “I know R. Kelly peed on that girl, but if you gonna pee on somebody, that’s the album to do it to. That’s all I’m saying.” [gasps and laughter] “I put on Chocolate Factory, it make me want to pee right now. Shit.” [singing] Ooh.

Now they want to give teachers guns. Before we give teachers guns, shouldn’t we give them motherfuckers a raise? [applause] Goddamn. I, for one, am tired of them begging us for supplies. If I get one more note home with my child, “Can I have some lined paper…” “Clorox wipes?” “Thanks for the gun, but I’m gonna need whatever extra bullets you can spare.” All I know, if you give a motherfucker making $29,000 a year a gun, somebody getting robbed. “Give me the money, motherfucker!” “Mrs. Johnson, I’m the principal!” “Run it, nigga, run it.” “I’m getting me a vacation this year.”
They want teachers to be in charge of security, man. Hell, even policemen wait for backup. Policemen don’t go in until other motherfuckers with guns show up. What the fuck a teacher gonna do, wait for the cafeteria lady? “Let’s wait for Irma. She got that big spoon.” “Shit, she took her hairnet off. We ready to roll.” [laughter and applause]

They had five Parkland police officers down in Florida refuse to run into that building. Man, people was dying. You want a policeman to run into a building with a sense of urgency, do not tell him it’s a active shooter. Tell him something that’ll really get him going, like there’s two black men sitting in Starbucks. [whistling and cheering] “So, you’re here at Starbucks early?”

I guess the problem is black people are not getting along with policemen ’cause apparently we don’t understand the rules. Pow, pow, pow. “Freeze.” “The suspect grabbed my gun and shot hisself in the back 53 times.” Well, they’re afraid it’s black-on-black crime. Well, that would imply crime doesn’t exist anywhere else. Well, 90% of black people kill black people. 87% of white people kill white people, Asians kill Asians, Latins kill Latins, husbands kill wives, wives kill husbands. That’s about proximity. You kill what the fuck you’re around. We ain’t more violent. We just got less gas money.

This must be hard, man. You realize that it takes five months to be a police officer and 12 months to be a cosmetologist? So apparently shooting a nigga is easier than cutting his hair.

“You should teach your children to respect the police.” We go one better. We teach our children to fear the police. We ain’t fuck around. We talk to them like they’re going outside to deal with a wild animal. “Don’t make any sudden movements.” “Don’t look him in the eye.” “Don’t run.” “Daddy, am I going on safari?” “No, nigga. You going to the end of the driveway, so….”

Now they want to kick out all the Muslims. That’s fucking dumb. Ain’t no more American doctors. [laughter and applause] Matter of fact, if your doctor speak English, your insurance ain’t shit. Nobody at my doctor’s office speak English. I got to get Rosetta Stone to fill out my prescription. “This is from Doctor…” [guttural noise] “I don’t know where the fuck this cream supposed to go.” “Hey, did you know I was allergic to citronella?”

We supposed to be worried about Isis. The most dangerous thing in America is other Americans. 300 Americans are shot by other Americans every single day. Hundred thousand Americans are shot by other Americans every year. More Americans have been killed by Americans than died in all the wars we’ve ever fought combined, so… Isis ain’t got shit on Us-is. I’m not scared of a Muslim. I’m more worried about a American just got laid off. “Oh, I’m fired?” [applause] “I’ll be right back…” “in Jesus’ name.”

What, we should screen the people with Muslim-sounding names? Fuck that. I’m worried about a white dude with three names. Muhammad ain’t got shit on James Earl Ray. [whooping] Ever notice every time they take a picture of one of them mass shooters, you can tell they crazy in they yearbook picture? Olan Mills should arrest them motherfuckers as soon as the film is developed. “I didn’t do anything!” “Oh, you will.” “You with your bowl haircut and your lazy eye.” “I knew you wasn’t right in third period.”

We obsessed with guns, man. Florida wanted to ban porno, but not assault rifles. Assault rifles go off dozens of rounds in a minute. A dick go off once a hour. And that’s when you young. You get past 50, if it goes off twice a month, you’re a fucking hero. “What are you doing, Mama?” “I’m making your daddy a casserole.” “He pushed my wig back.” “Twice this month, and it’s only January.”

Gay people having a hell of a run. They can get married in all 50 states. That’s an amazing accomplishment. If straight people had to fight that hard for the right to get married, we’d have to live with that shit. “But I want to get married.” “Well, bitch, it’s illegal, so…” “I’m on probation. I can’t take no chances like that.” Black people don’t like gay people, which is silly, ’cause it wasn’t for gay people, many of us wouldn’t have a choir director. [groaning and laughter] Oh, that ain’t fucking true? We’ll see on Sunday. You ever been to a church with a straight choir director? That’s the most boring service ever. “Hey, man, where the sister with the tambourine now?” “Hit it, Tremaine.”

We had our first gay player drafted in the NFL – Michael Sam. I’m proud of America for evolving past the point where they look at somebody’s merit instead of their sexuality. A lot of guys said, “Michael Sam went in the seventh round simply because he was gay.” Michael Sam went in the seventh round ’cause he ran a 4.9 at the NFL combine. In the NFL, you could be gay, but you can’t be slow and gay, goddamn it. You got to come out the gate just as fast as you came out the closet now. You can love a man on Saturday as long as you can catch a man on Sunday. I find it hilarious the first gay dude was drafted by the Rams. That cracks me the fuck up. If it would’ve been the Packers or the Browns… [audience groaning] [audience laughing nervously]

Caitlyn Jenner waited till he was 68 to become a woman, which is silly, ’cause when men get older, we naturally produce more estrogen. Women produce more testosterone. He could have saved that 50 grand and waited. ‘Cause titties was coming next year whether you wanted them or not. “Ooh, my nipples are tender.” “I think I’m ovulating.” “Somebody get me a hot-water bottle.”
I’m a liberal. I’m a proud liberal. You can call yourself a woman. I respect your wishes and call you what you like, but you’re not exempt from biological realities. You can call yourself a woman, but eventually, a doctor gonna call you and tell you you need a prostate examination. You can wear a sundress when you go, but… you still getting a finger in your ass. “Mrs. Johnson, can you move your balls?” [inaudible] “I’m not trying to offend you, but I need you to cough.”

We live in a world where you can now self-identify. You can say you something, even though I can see you not, I still got to agree with you. So from now on, I’m a white man trapped in this nigga’s body. My name is Chad. I’m pretty sure that ain’t gonna work with the police. [imitates siren] “Wait a minute, Officer. I’m a white man trapped in this nigga’s body.” “Both you motherfuckers get out the car.” “But the nigga first.” “This is so disappointing.” “I was hoping for a different result.”

Bill Maher, he said “nigger” on TV. Everybody lost their mind. “He should lose his job. He said ‘nigger’ on TV.” Do you realize if every white person that said “nigger” lost their job, tomorrow, nothing would be open. “Hey, how come the mall is closed?” “You know why.”
The funny thing about that is they blame the word “nigger” on black people. “You say it in hip-hop all the time. Maybe if you didn’t say it, we wouldn’t say it.” What a ridiculous argument. Nigger’s been in the American lexicon since the early 1700s. Hip-hop been around since 1975. Like, what came first, “nigger” or The Sugarhill Gang? [laughter and applause] Mark Twain or Grandmaster Flash?
I heard “nigger” my whole life. My mom used to say it, “Niggers and flies, I do despise. The more I see niggers, the more I like flies.”
First time I was ever called “nigger” outside my house, I was in the third grade, man. Went to a field trip on Olvera Street, the oldest street in Los Angeles. My favorite ice-cream parlor was there. So I saved my money for a couple of weeks so me and my best friend could get my favorite ice cream. So we get there, and I run off the bus with my best friend. I walk to the ice-cream parlor, I’m excited. I say, “Sir, can we have some ice cream?” He looked at me and said, “We don’t serve niggers.” I said, “Well, can we have strawberry?” [applause] I went home. My mother told me. She said, “Some people have the words. They say evil stuff. They talked about Jesus. You think they won’t talk about you? It’s never what you called. It’s what you answer to.” My mama wasn’t a nice woman, but those were some of the sweetest words she ever said to me. She was a sweet woman that day. I said, “Thank you, Mama. That means so much to me. Mama, can I have some ice cream?” She said, “No, nigga, you can’t have no ice cream.”

Hey, Derek, let me have a little bit. Derek, let me have some more, man. Mm-hmm. This is Derek, my Mexican security guard. I’m gonna miss you when Trump takes you away. [loud laughter] ♪ It’s so hard to say ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ Just say it in Spanish. Happy Cinco de Mayo, my brother.

Colin Kaepernick – he caused a lot of consternation, man. Everybody’s upset about that taking-a-knee thing. Even O.J. weighed in on it. O.J. said it was disrespectful not to stand for the national anthem. I’m like, “Hey, didn’t you kill two people?” I mean, you and Ray Lewis are pretty judgmental for murderers. I’d rather take a knee than a knife. You gonna stand for the national anthem. You didn’t even stop in a Bronco. They were mad at football players in general for taking a knee, man. “Why would football players protest police brutality? They’re rich. They don’t have to worry about that.” Do you realize the very physical attributes that get you drafted in the NFL when you’re a black man get you killed when you not on that field? If you big, you black, you fast, you strong, you aggressive – that shit work great on Sunday. But on Monday… I don’t know. Colin Kaepernick – he led a peaceful protest, and he’s a pariah. Robert E. Lee – he led a violent protest against America. Robert E. Lee killed more Americans than Nazis, and he gets statues everywhere. I think they should be able to keep they Confederate statues. I don’t think they should be in black people neighborhoods. Like, our schools are so shitty and underfunded, we actually don’t even know who the motherfucker on the horse is. “Hey, nigga, is that Seabiscuit?” [applause] “Why does that jockey got a sword?” No wonder he won the Derby.”

I don’t know man. We’re a religious country till it’s time to act like Christ, then we fall down right there. I remember when Lamar Odom was in a coma. People prayed. “Prayer woke up Lamar Odom.” Well, maybe that’s true to you, but I believe nothing will wake your ass up from a coma faster than knowing your ex is making your medical decisions. Lamar heard Khloe’s in charge. He hopped right up. “I’m all right!” “I’m all the way up.” I know my wife would never unplug me. She would leave me on life support just to fuck with me. “Where your bitches now?” [screaming and laughter] [high-pitched] “I’m looking in the lobby. I don’t see any bitches.”

I’ve always, like, had a problem with religion, man, especially when you’re a black person in America, ’cause our introduction to Christianity was a bit dubious, to say the least. Same person that gave you Jesus gave you “nigger” so… [scattered applause] I remember Creflo Dollar, man. That makes people uncomfortable. They’re like… “It’s true, but…” “yet so uncomfortable.” Creflo Dollar, man, he said he needed $60 million to buy a private jet to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m like, “Motherfucker, Jesus rode a ass.” “You could at least get on Southwest.” “What if the window cracks?” “Pray over it.” ♪ Safelite repair, Safelite replace ♪ Amen.

Remember that big flood happened down in Houston, man? Every business opened their doors up to the refugees, except Joel Osteen, who’s got the largest church in Houston. Twitter made Joel open them doors, ’cause originally, he just walked out and said, “Jesus said no.” “He walked on water. Now you try.”

I don’t know, man. Generationally, it’s a different– We got different children, man, than when we was growing up, man. Like, Adrian Peterson, the greatest running back of his generation, got suspended last year ’cause he whooped his son with a switch. Who knew that shit was illegal? ‘Cause if the statute of limitations is not up, my mama’s getting an anonymous phone call on her. “Do you feel comfortable identifying the woman that repeatedly hit you with a switch?” “There she is right there.” “Mama.” “If that’s your real name.” And she called me “nigger” and wouldn’t give me ice cream. “You always said tell the truth.”
We used to get our ass whooped with extension cords. You come home, some shit was unplugged, you knew somebody getting fucked up. “The Frigidaire don’t work.” “Mama’s mad about something.” Remember your mother would call home from work? “I’m-a fuck you up soon as I get home.” You start trying to clean the whole house up. [loud laughter] She’d get home at five o’clock, you dressed for church. “Hey, Mama, I’m ready to be baptized now.” ♪ This little light of mine ♪ ♪ I’m gonna let it– ♪ Hit it, Tremaine!

A lot of us are in these chairs right now instead of dead or in jail ’cause of the very ass-whoopings society now abhors. [light applause] A lot of people saw those welts on Adrian Peterson’s son, they were appalled. “Look at that. Doesn’t that look like abuse?” “Not to us.” “To us, that looked like a motherfucker who didn’t listen.” “These are clearly the marks of somebody you had to tell twice.” “Well, what are all those bruises on his arm?” “Trying to grab the belt. You don’t ever do that shit.” [loud laughter] You take your ass-whooping, cry yourself to sleep, and wear a long-sleeve shirt to school. “It’s summer. How come you got a sweater on?” “My mama love me, that’s why.” [laughter and applause]

If you’re blessed to still have your parents, you realize it’s a blessing and a challenge, man. The older they get, the more childlike they become. You ever look at your parents, “How the fuck did y’all raise us?” “I’m scared to leave y’all home alone with the pilot light on. See you next week.” [laughter]
My daddy 82 years old. He got the nerve to have dementia as evil as he was growing up. “I don’t remember.” “Motherfucker, I do.” “And that’s why your medication late.” “You forgot my baseball game. I forgot your doctor’s appointment. That’s the way…” My sister called. “Daddy, he don’t remember nothing. You better go see him.” “Daddy don’t remember nothing?” She said, “No.” I said, “Well, tell that motherfucker I just left.” “I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow. I ain’t gonna–” “Done burn my gas up, and you don’t know who the fuck I am.”
My father was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, so we all over the house deciding the course of treatment. Doctor tells my father, “Mr. Hughley, you can go to the City of Hope, and you can receive the most advanced cancer treatment known to man.” You know what this motherfucker said? “Well, how far is that?” I said, “Motherfucker, not as far as the other room.” “Get in the car. You ain’t gonna remember it no goddamn way.”
Father had cancer, my mother had a stroke, and my sister and mother had fought so much about my father, they got restraining orders on each other. My mother has a stroke, and an ambulance come to pick her up. My sister can’t even ride with her. She got to follow a thousand feet behind. I wish I was lying, but I’m not.
Remember the evil shit our parents used to do to us, send you to the store to buy shit that’s illegal for a child to purchase? “Go to that store, get me a fifth of gin and a pack of cigarettes.” “I’m three. They ain’t gonna let me have that.” “Huh. Take this note.” “They’ll give it to you, too.” You riding home on a Big Wheel with liquor and cigarettes. All your neighbors, “That’s a good little boy right there.” “He gonna amount to something one day. You watch.”

Remember you had the screen door with the screen torn out… and you used to get in trouble for just running through the screen? “Bring your ass back in this house.” “You open that door and walk outside like you got some sense.” [applause and laughter]
The worst shit to be is the little boy that look like your daddy if your mama don’t like your daddy. “Why are you walking like that?” “You look just like your goddamn daddy.” “Mama, I’m three.” “You gonna need to make better decisions.”
When we was growing up, man, it was crazy. Remember your mama kept everything in her bra– money, car keys, candy? You ever got some candy from a bra? That was… “Here you go.” [coughs] “This peppermint tastes like Tussy.” “My mouth is numb!”

Bill O’Reilly talked about Maxine Waters’ wig. When I was growing up, every woman I knew, loved, and respected wore a wig, A wig was like an early warning system to a little black child. You came home and your mama’s wig, was on that white head on the dresser… you knew she was home. If the wig was gone, Mama was gone. “I’m going outside to play.” “You gonna get in trouble.” “No, I’m not. Mama ain’t here.” “How you know?” “Look.” ♪ Ding-dong, the witch is dead ♪ ♪ The witch is dead… ♪ “Hit it, Tremaine.” Your mama had two wigs. One she wore every day, one was that good wig. She only wore that on special occasions– church and to go downtown to talk to white people. “These motherfuckers done cut my gas off. Hand me my good wig.” “And watch your brother.” “Watch my brother? I’m four, he three. What the fuck I’m-a do? I just…” “I just shit on myself. I’m not a role model. I just… I…” [shouts of agreement]

You had to grow up fast where we was growing up. They gave you a key, put it round your neck when you was five. You had to let yourself in your house, do your homework, and start dinner. “Mama said I gotta brown the meat.” You never got kidnapped ’cause they gave you two rules that kept you safe– “Don’t you take your ass outside. Don’t let nobody in my goddamn house.” [applause] “What if the house catch on fire?” “Motherfucker, you better burn up.”
I was so frightened of my mother, I would have did it, too. “Little boy, this is the Fire Department. There’s a fire in the house. We need you to come outside immediately.” “My mama said I can’t come outside.” “I gotta brown the meat.” “We’re going to have to come in.” “You gonna get me in trouble!” [sobs] “I can’t have company.” “Oh, this fire is so hot.” “Mama gonna kill me if this meat burn.” [light blowing] “Go back outside, fireman. At least take your boots off.” “Stay on the runner.”
You remember… black people had that runner down the middle of they carpet? Rest of the carpet dirty as hell. [loud laughter] My mother meant what she said. They could’ve pulled me out that house, I could’ve been in the hospital in the Burn Unit. “Didn’t I tell you not to carry your ass outside?” “Mrs. Hughley, his last words were, ‘Gotta brown the meat’.” “We unfortunately were unable to save him.” “A shame about my little boy.” “But were you able to save my oxtail?” “No point in us having two tragedies.” [audience groaning]

Growing up, only two animals we was ever scared of– pit bulls and German Shepherds. Now kids are getting hurt by alligators and gorillas. Black people, we go to Disney World just like everybody else, but if we see a sign that say “no swimming,” we figure they know what the fuck they talking about. Black people respect signs. We don’t even tear that tag off our pillow say, “Don’t remove.” “Don’t you take that tag off that pillow. You be done blew my house up.” “It say ‘Don’t remove’ for a reason.”
One lady went to the Cincinnati Zoo, her baby fell in there with a gorilla, which is crazy to me. When we was growing up, we couldn’t even touch shit at the grocery store. Every time you left the house, they gave you instructions. “We about to go there and make groceries.” “Don’t you look at shit.” “Don’t touch shit. And you ain’t getting shit.” [laughter and applause] “Now get in the car and shut the fuck up.” “And stay where I can see you.” We was always trying to be seen by Mama at the grocery store. “Can you see me?” You didn’t see none of us get lost in no grocery store. Your mama told you, “Motherfucker, I ain’t lost.” “You is.” “And if you do get lost, you better find me.” “‘Cause I’m leaving here in 15 minutes.” “And every motherfucker that roll with me better be in the goddamn car.” I wish I would have fell in there with a gorilla. My mother would’ve been like, “How you get down there?” “That’s the same way you getting out.” “I done told you we leaving here in 15 minutes.” “Gotta make your daddy a casserole.”

This woman went to the Cincinnati Zoo. She babysitting six kids. Two were hers and four were not. I can’t figure out how the fuck one of your babies fall in there? Now, I’m a shitty babysitter, but I’m a wonderful parent. Ain’t no way in hell it’d been one of my kids. I’d have been calling you. “Keisha, your baby fell.” “Yeah, he in there with the gorilla.” “Where my babies at? They’re in the car with me. Hello?” “They knew we was leaving here in 15 minutes, so, it’s a…” “It’s a family tradition.” Even the gorilla get on the phone, “Keisha, your baby down here.” “Well, the zoo close at five.” [gorilla-like grunting] Cold part about it, they killed those gorillas. Only 700 male silverback gorillas in the entire world. Know what you gotta do to murder someone in America? Say you scared. That’s it. That’s all. You make people scared, you gonna die. That’s it. 700 male silverback gorillas in the entire world. They are by far the best parents in the animal kingdom. Their only job is to protect and provide for they family. That’s all the fuck they do. He shouldn’t have got shot. He should be teaching parenting classes. -He… -[scattered applause] He never once tried to hurt that baby. That baby fell down there, the females ran over, he was like, “Goddamn it, who baby is this?” “Oh, shit, there go the police.” “Hey, Officer, this is a phone. This a phone.” [groaning and laughter] [scattered applause]

Gotta be careful what you name your children. Giving a child the wrong name could be a disadvantage economically for the rest of their life. A recent survey of potential employers said the more ethnic or urban a name sounds, the less likely they’ll consider employing them. They throw those applications right in the trash. Gotta know what a name means. My name is Darryl. That means “beloved”. My manager’s name is Gary. That means “warrior.” Da’Quan means “not hiring.” People always go, “What about Barack? He had a ethnic name, and he ascended to the presidency.” Well, Barack had two things behind his name a lot of motherfuckers don’t– like “Harvard” and “graduate.” [applause and whistling] You got that shit behind your name, it don’t matter what’s in front. If your name is Da’Quan, and you went to DeVry… get ready to drop a lot of fries. You gonna be smelling like food your whole career. “Those are fries. Da’Quan must be home.”

My wife was on the step ladder a couple years ago trying to change some overhead lights. Fell off the step ladder. Trying to break her fall, shattered both her wrists. Have you any idea how hard it is to take a woman to the hospital with two broke wrists after this Ray Rice bullshit? Doctors never even act like they believed me. “So she fell.” She gonna try to be funny. “He said he won’t do it again.” Now I got to go talk to these people ’cause you want to fuck around. See…

You ever begged your woman for sex so much, they give up? “Fuck it! Fuck it! Take it! Take it!” “But don’t take my panties all the way off. Just…” “Just move them to the side.” Ain’t that the laziest shit? You ever see this? “Hurry up!” “Hurry up!” “No, it ain’t your birthday.” “That hole is for birthdays, anniversaries… and when I shot too much.” “You want them red bottoms. Now you gonna have one.” ♪ Bloody shoes ♪

My wife got mad at me ’cause I got life insurance on me, and I didn’t get any on her. “You didn’t get any life insurance on me.” I said, “Well, baby, you don’t work.” “That’s not right. What’ll happen to you guys if something were to happen to me?” “We gonna be sad.” “We ain’t gonna have to move or no shit like that, I guess.” “Kids are gonna get a 32-year-old Puerto Rican stepmother. -That the fuck gonna happen.” -[groaning and laughter] Oh, yes. I’ve been with a black woman my whole life. Something happen to her, I’m out, I’m out, I’m out. I’ve done my time. Fuck y’all. You happy for Serena? Be happy for me, goddamn it.

My wife said, “I love you so much, if something were to happen, I don’t know if I’d get married again. Would you get married?” “Not at the funeral, but eventually.” That’d be awkward.

Turned 54, I had to get a colonoscopy for 45 minutes. Doctor said, “You’ll be unconscious for 45 minutes. Give your wife all your valuables.” I gave her my watch, wallet, my ring. I gave her my cell phone, but I realized I would be unconscious for 45 minutes. I made them roll me back in and get my cell phone. I went to the operating room my phone on my chest like this. “Wakanda forever!” “Nah, Sprint.”
You ever been a man, left your phone at home on the way to work? Man will turn around in the middle of the freeway. [screeching] -[knocks] -“Come on, Stacey, open the door.” “I forgot my phone.” “You’re acting strange about this phone. I wanna see it. I want to see your phone.” “Let me pack my shit up first.” [laughter and applause] “You ain’t gonna burn all my good shirts up, that’s all.”
Cell phones are ruining relationships. Years from now, on your deathbed with your whole family around, doctor walks in, “We’ve done all we can. We don’t think he’ll make it through the night. He’s uttering his last words.” Your wife, “Is he telling you how much he loves us?” “Well, no.” He said, “Erase my call history.” “He doesn’t want you calling his other family.” “You’ll meet them at the funeral, like God intended.” You got a side baby, you can’t leave them pictures in there with your regular ones. You leave that side baby in the back with the receipts. “Whose baby is this?” “Uh, that came with the wallet.”
A man will wake up from a coma rather than let you fuck with his phone. “He’s in a coma. He’s non-responsive.” Your wife, “Grab his phone.” Oh. Oh. [laughter] “I believe there are signs of life.”

Now they got a generation of children called millennials. By all accounts, they are supposed to be the most educated generation that existed. I got three grown-ass millennials that live at home with me. I paid for all of them and my wife to graduate from college. I got a GED, but I’m the only one working. I’m like… “One of these things is not like the other.” You know how dumb you are when you pay somebody smart’s bills? “Well, we don’t have any money.” “Hey, let’s go ask the dummy.”
My oldest daughter went to USC, youngest daughter went to school online. You can’t be proud of that shit. “Daddy, we off for three weeks for the holidays.” “How the fuck you off on online school?” “What, you unplug your computer for three weeks?” “You coming to my graduation?” “Well, if the cable’s still on, I guess we’ll go by.” I just hope it ain’t on Sunday. Power come on on Sunday. I can’t… I can’t do nothing till I find out what Ghost gonna do.”
There are some advantages to having your child go to online school. If there’s a school shooting, you really ain’t got shit to worry about. “Daddy, they shooting the school.” “Well, log off.” Ta-da. I’m a hero again. “I got to go. Your mama done made me a casserole.”

My only son is autistic. He has Asperger’s, yet he’s managed to graduate from college. He’s holding down two jobs. My son even drive. My son drive, but I don’t ride with that motherfucker. I ain’t getting in the car with Rain Man. Fuck y’all. Shit. Let that motherfucker take me to the airport one time. He chased a butterfly for six miles. How come I didn’t get the one that was good at blackjack? Shit.
You got a child that’s afflicted, you got to lower your expectations. I saw y’all with your little bumper stickers on your car. “My son is a honor student.” “Well, my son tied his shoe.” [laughter and applause]
I love him, man. Got to be honest with him, though. He said, “Dad, I know I have Asperger Syndrome, and I know it’s hard on you and Mom. If you could have any other son, would you?” “Yes. Yes. Yes.” [laughter and applause] “Now come on. Let’s get some of this casserole your mama made for me.”
My son came to me in January 2015. “Dad, I don’t have any friends. Don’t have a girlfriend. I’m socially awkward. I want to kill myself.” “Son, I love you too much. I can never let that happen. Whatever we got to do, I’m-a work it out with you, man.” So I hired him on my radio show. We started riding together, work together. Father and son, bonding in ways we never got to when he was young. He started getting more confident, going on dates, now he got a girlfriend. Now my son is normal as fuck. I don’t know what causes autism, but I know the cure is pussy, goddamn it. [loud laughter and applause] My son fucked his mind right.
The bad part about him, he don’t know how to lie at all. My wife said, “Are you having sex in my house?” He looked her dead in the eye and said, “Every chance I get. Uh-huh.” [inaudible]

My son has a white girlfriend. My daughters, they have black dudes. So like a lot of America, I’m-a have white grandkids and black grandkids, and I have decided to treat them differently, like the world does. “White grandkids, y’all get dressed up. Papa’ll take you out to get ice cream. -Now you niggas clean this house.” -[loud laughter] “Take that Black Lives Matter shirt off. You’re scaring Tatum.” “Don’t worry, Tatum. Papa’ll take you to get some citronella.” My daughter said, “What if I marry somebody from India?” “Well, your baby gonna be on tech support.” “Hey, Anish, go fix the Internet for your Papa.” My grandbaby’s a Uber driver. “Papa taking you to get some deodorant. This don’t make no goddamn sense.” [laughter]

Occasionally, my son will hire hookers, man. He hires them and my wife don’t like it, man, but you know… I seen what happens when dudes with Asperger Syndrome get sexually frustrated. A school get shot up, so… I’d rather him hire a ho than me sleep with my door locked, so…. When my son have a bad day, everybody in the house is concerned. “You all right?” “Me and your mama gonna sleep for a couple of days at the Holiday Inn.”
My wife gets so mad at me. “I can’t believe you let your child hire a whore.” “If he hires prostitutes, he will never know love.” I’m like, “Love? Love is expensive.” “He bought a ho, but I had to buy you a house.”

Y’all been great, Philadelphia. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. [cheering]