Sacha Baron Cohen’s Who is America? – Episode 4 – Full Transcript

2018-08-06T16:01:10+00:00August 5th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , , |
  • Who Is America? - Erran Morad, aka Sacha Baron Cohen. Caricature by Bendik Kaltenborn

Original Air Date: August 5, 2018

Contents:

♦ Erran Morad teaches Trump supporter and Republican businessman Shaun McCutcheon, and his employee Zan, how to defend an office from terrorists.

♦ Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello discusses pornography with David Pyne, the national director of the Utah Republican Assembly.

♦ Gio Monaldo meets with a yacht broker from Luxury Yacht Sales Company.

♦ OMGWhizzBoyOMG! discusses gun control with former Maricopa County, Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio.

* * *

[President Kennedy] Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
[President Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
[President Franklin Roosevelt] The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
[President Trump] “Uhh, I don’t know what I said. Uhh!”

♪♪♪ [man chanting in native language] [group chanting in native language] ♪♪♪

* * *

Sheket bevakasha [Hebrew for “Quiet, please”]. My name Sergeant Erran Morad. Many people ask me, “Erran, what the probability that Islamic terrorists attack my workplace?” And the truthful answer is, it not very likely, only about 83 percent. Yalla. Let’s go.

Kill or Be Killed

Tell me, how did you help the president?

[Shaun McCutcheon, Conservative Activist] Well, I was an elected Trump delegate from Alabama, so I helped elect Donald Trump president of the U.S.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in my favor in the case that bears my name, McCutcheon vs. Federal Election Commission.

[Barak Obama] Well, the latest case would go even further than Citizens United.

What comes out of the McCutcheon case could forever change the amount of money you can donate.

[Brian Williams, NBC News] How does that not, at some point, lead to corruption?

[Shaun McCutcheon] I have a large concern about terrorism and the fact that terrorism is possibly coming to the United States more than it already has.

What do you do when there is a terror attack?

I’ve heard, but I’ve never seen it in person or, you know, been close to it.

In America, the official response is run, hide, tell. In Israel, it is hide, infiltrate, violence. We adapt the office to be ready to hide.

Okay.

Hide

The terrorist is coming!

Bang.

Bang.

Good. Okay. Careful, your head.
Now I teach you how to make protection in your own office, okay?

Yes, sir.

You are pretending to be on the phone. Are these real hands?

No.

They are what?

Artificial, prosthetic, specially designed. They look just like my real hands.

Okay.

Hey, Zan, this is Shaun. Can you hurry back from Mississippi? We got some problems on this control panel, and I don’t know– Hold up. I’m on the phone. Bang!

Good.

Makes sense.

Do you know about magen zahav?

No, sir.

Magen zahav is the shield of pork. Have you heard of this?

No, sir, never heard of it.

What do the Muslim terrorist fear most?

Uh, pork.

The terrorist is coming here. Show the pork.

Pork. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! I love pork, though, especially barbecue ribs.

Hmm. And there is another shield twice as effective because they run away. They are so scared of the image. One, two, three. Show the shield.

You’re a homo. You’re a homo. You’re a homo.

Okay. One more time, both of you attacking me.

Pork. Pork!

You’re gay! You’re gay!

Pork! Pork!

You’re gay! You’re gay!

Pork. Pork!

You’re gay!

What if he come, you have no weapon? What do you do?

Infiltrate.

Okay. How do we infiltrate?

Uh, we become one of them.

If he come here, you are praying. You turn your cubicle into a mosque so that they will believe it. When they see it quickly, they believe it is a mosque.

How to turn your office into a mosque

You have 30 second. Three, two. -Faster.

Got to wear the hat.

Put it on. Put it on. Slippers! Faster! Genie bottle. Quick. The terrorist is coming. Bang! You hear banging. What are you doing?

Playing the flute.

Why?

Uh, raise the snake.

You are Muslim?

Yes, sir.

What is your name?

Abdul.

What did you just eat?

Hummus.

Good. This is the method, hide, infiltrate, violence. H.I.V.

Okay.

I did not invent HIV. It was given to me by my instructor, who is now dead. When I give you the HIV, I want you to spread it, okay?

Yes, sir.

You promise to give HIV to your friends?

Yes, sir, the ones that can handle it.

I want you to be prepared. I want you to be HIV-positive, okay?

Okay.

* * *

I’m Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello, and I believe that the world’s most dangerous chemical weapon is testosterone. Two weeks after the election was stolen from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed. I’ve been cycling through our fractured nation, listening respectfully without prejudice, to ignorant, racist Republicans with the hope of changing their childish views to try and heal the divide.

Heal the Divide

[Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello] I was struggling to get inside the mind of the adult Trump voter. So, today, I’m meeting with a notable conservative to understand his views on pornography.

Hi. My name’s David Pyne, Salt Lake City, Utah.

This is so wonderful to meet you, and I really think this is important and pleasurable.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

From my perspective, I-I would be happier, more comfortable, going back to, for example, prayer in schools, more local control of schools, maybe abstinence-only sex education… Yeah. …to focus on helping kids — teenage kids realize that the benefits of staying — staying chaste until marriage.

Children and pornography — This is currently a big issue. Do you agree with that?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

I can’t always be alongside my children when they watch pornography. Can you?

No, and that’s why, uh — That’s why I’m saying there needs to be more controls. I mean, in my perfect world, I would love to criminalize hard-core Internet pornography. I would actually go further and say if we want to keep it legal for adults, let’s have an opt-in. And the opt-in would create a database, and the database would — would add that person’s name in the database, so…

Of masturbators.

So — Well, yes. And —

So it would be a masturbation database.

You could call it that.

I adore children. I love children. And I use the Latin word “love,” “-phile”; “children,” “pedo-.” So I am a pedophile, in that I love children, and I’ve reclaimed that word, because it’s been stolen by the abusers. I love children. I am a proud pedophile. I am a pedophile.

I think, uh —

Are you a pedophile?

I am not a pedophile.

So you do not love children?

I love children.

We are a couple of pedophiles. We should be proud of that.

I am not a pedophile.

Can we both, at least, sit here today and say that we are both proud pedophiles?

Absolutely not. At what age do you believe that it is acceptable for a child to view any form of pornography?

Well, my pedophile friend, I would say 11 or 12.

Don’t call me that.

No, but —

I am not a pedophile.

I was merely saying that we both have respect for children, and as you know, I’m trying to reclaim that word.

Okay.

So that was a term of respect, by calling you my pedophile friend.

I disagree with — with that definition, and I am offended if you use it in relation to me.

If there was a register that I could sign up to to, uh… Then I would happily do that.

Well, there probably is.

Oh, well, we know, myself and Naomi, my partner —

Is — Is Naomi, um, a male or a female?

She identifies as a female.

Okay. Is she physically female?

She has, um, a round vagina.

Um… So she doesn’t have male genitalia?

She has no phallus. She has nipples…

Okay.

…although they are attached to swollen, uh, mammaries.

Okay.

And she has pubic hair that is unkempt and, uh —

That’s more detail than I require.

Oh.

Yeah.

* * *

[woman speaking Italian] Wouldn’t you love to live the rich and famous life?
Meet Gio Monaldo, billionaire playboy and fashion photographer from Milan.
He is giving us a peek behind the curtain into the fabulous lives of the .001%

The Diamond Life of Gio

[woman speaking Italian] This week – Gio begins his search for a new megayacht so he’s meeting with one of the world’s top yacht brokers.

Our company has handled heads of state. We’ve got quite a few billionaires. Who? Some of the largest yachts in the world are built by a company named Lurssen.

Sure.

In Germany. And those are ranging from $200 million to $300 million.

I’m not gonna be covering all the costs.

Okay.

So, there’s — there’s gonna be a co-owner, although not officially on the boat.

Mm-hmm.

I can’t say his name, but, um… he would be very “Assad” if I told you his name. You know, he’s a very “Syria”-s guy, you know? So, this guy, I’ve done business with him. So is that okay?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don’t have a problem with it.

And it’s much better you deal with me than with Assad. So, let’s talk about the security of the boat — what kind of military hardware we could have on the boat.

If you can think of it, they can do it.

Oh, beautiful. 

[Gio, speaking Italian, tells the girl with him to leave the room]

Listen. He’s a persecuted man, this guy, you know? And he’s very paranoid.

Of course.

He’s paranoid.

You can have a helicopter hangar. You can have a safe room.

Antiaircraft.

Antiaircraft.

Guns or something like that.

Guns and… But you could also have it discreet, where you see the boat go by, you’d never know.

I mean, let’s talk about the Syrian refugees in the Mediterranean. What I don’t want is that one of the dinghies capsize if 50 of them are in the water, and they’re — they’re trying to come on the —

No, that won’t happen.

How do I stop that? I mean, could you put electricity in the water?

Yeah. You could.

‘Cause those guys are drowning anyway in the Mediterranean. No one cares.

You’ve got guns on board.

Sure. And you can shoot them and get — I mean, let’s say we’re in a place where no one can see.

And people don’t know about it. Then, fine, yes.

Okay. What about a flammable liquid or something like that? Can you put that in there?

Yeah.

These guys, they like to have a lot of girls. Is it possible to have a quarters for the girls?

Absolutely.

But ones where we can put quite a lot in, you know.

You can do anything you want.

Sure, but let’s say that I’m just shipping the girls in from Eastern Europe into Damascus. You know, how much of the merchandise can I ship?

All right. So, now you’re looking at — As a — As a… And you’re actually moving humans?

Yeah, I mean, they’re girls, you know? They’re humans, yeah. So, let’s say we —

Yeah. You can put ten in a room if you want. Put 20 in a room if you want.

20? What, by stacking them up in a —

Yeah.

I mean, could we do more than 20 in a room?

Yeah, 30 per room.

We could have a 30-per-room, okay.

Yeah. If they want it, and they want to write the check for it, it can be done.

[The girl walks back in the room]

What else? I mean, in terms of — What about the designers? Let’s say I want to offer a different suite designed by a famous designer. Is that possible?

Yeah.

You know, but I wanted the boat to be beautiful. Okay, si, si, si, si.

Yeah. You could.

But, um…what — But, uh, so, what — Who could be a designer?

You’re gonna have to abide by a certain structural classification.

I want a design that is, uh… you know, gonna last, but be beautiful. I want people to come onto the boat and say, “This boat is a beautiful boat.” And the Lurssen, they have a good quality?

The best. There’s only maybe… …eight or nine builders that can achieve that on the world.

Because I need to really Because I need to really, really to not, uh, divulge any of the — if I give you my assets. Then if you know about the assets, then I don’t want you telling other people. With this thing, would we found out — We did an audit. It cost a lot of money for us, but we found it was worth it.

Mm-hmm.

Do you mind if we do an audit?

I wouldn’t mind, but that depends on the yard now. ‘Cause they’re gonna contract and we have a build contract. And it states it’ll be — It’ll state everything that’s going to happen, the pricing and such.

Andante moderato, andante moderato. Si. And the — How will I know the quality of your work is up to scratch?

Well, time and delivery.

Si. And how do you deal with confidentia-a-lity?

The NDAs are going all over the place.

So, um… Finito. I like to have fun. Gio likes to have fun.

I-I can see that.

Because I work too hard to not have fun.

Understand.

You know, I very enjoy.

* * *

Unbox a Toy!

Awesome

Hengenlahja!

Shopkins!

OMGWhizzBoy

Hello, people. It’s me, OMGWhizzBoyOMG. Dab, dab. Jazz hands. And, today, I’ve got a special guest. It’s not just me unboxing. No, I’m with Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Ah. And he is the toughest sheriff in America.

[MSNBC News] The tent city that you would house detainees in, which you yourself called a concentration camp.

[Joe Arpaio] I already have a concentration camp. It’s called Tent City.

[ABC Arizona News] It’s former Maricopa County sheriff Joe Arpaio’s own words on immigration that now have him convicted of a federal crime.

[Donald Trump] I stand by my pardon of Sheriff Joe.

Really, really OMG to meet you.

Well, great to meet you.

Everybody!

Oh. Wow.

So amazing week! Look at this! We are unboxing Shopkins World Vacation!
So, I’m going to unbox this Shopkin. While I’m doing that, why not tell me about what Communists are trying to do to stop people having guns?

Well, that’s a big issue. But it’s — I will say, over and over again — Guns don’t kill. People kill.

OMG! Super-crazy! It’s D’lish Donut. D’lish Donut.

That looks good.

D’lish Donut, do you want to say hello?

Hi.

D’lish Donut is anti-guns. “I think all the guns should be given back.”

Delicious Donut, you have to understand that, uh, you have to follow the Constitution and the law and allow people to have guns.

“But I want the guns to be taken back, because they are dangerous.”

Bad guys are going to get their guns. And it’s gonna kill you. I’m hoping that somebody else in there has a gun and will shoot that person before he shoots you.

“Oh! Okay, then. Thank you for telling me that.” Because I like guns. Everybody knows I’ve got a really big collection. I have over 43 guns.

You have 43 guns?

Oh, yes. I’ve been collecting them for the upcoming race war.

And so… You know President “Dongle Troomp”?

Of course I know him.

And what’s he like, Dongle Troomp?

Great man. I’ve been with him, introduced him, from day one, from all the campaign.

Is Dongle Troomp very rich?

Oh, he’s got money, but, you know, he doesn’t act like he’s rich.

So, do you think President Troomp — He’s your friend. Do you think he might have had a golden shower?

Wouldn’t surprise me.

Oh! I would love to have a golden shower. Do you think there’s any way you could get President Troomp to give me a golden shower?

In Finland?

Or in America. In Washington. In the White “Hoose”!

Well, I’ll — I’ll tell you one thing. If he sees this, uh, and the way you’re speaking, he’s gonna like you, because you’re — you think like he thinks. And this is very, very interesting. And — And let me tell you, I became sheriff when I was 60 years old.

My first job was a hand job from my mother, and it was newspapers. What was your first hand job?

So, let me say this. Me. Whatever I did in my life, I always did that extra. It gets me in trouble sometimes.

You wanted to give the best hand job possible.

Extra, sometimes.

Oh! So if Dongle Troomp calls you up after this and says, “Sheriff Joe, I want to offer you an amazing blowjob,” would you say yes?

I may have to say yes.

* * *

[Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello] I know there are a lot of children who have been traumatized by seeing pornography. To combat that, I’ve actually written a book. It’s a work in progress. I’d love to show it to you.

[David Pyne] Excellent.

It’s called “Flopsy Finds a Funny Picture.” And I’ll read a little bit, if I may. “Flopsy found a funny picture while playing today. It looked like a mommy and daddy wrestling. So they decided to talk to Mommy. ‘Mommy, what are these rabbits doing with their “down theres”?’ ‘Oh, my!’ said Mommy Rabbit. ‘We better have a talk in the learning nook.'” So, I’ll continue.

Okay.

“‘Sometimes,'” they tell their child, “‘people look at pictures like the ones you saw to receive gratification. It is called “self-stimulating” or “masturbating.”‘”

I think that, uh… this book’s a little bit too much, uh, for me.

In what way? The colors?

Well, we don’t have to show, um, a picture of an animal with sex toys on the bed– the bedroom table, uh, or an Internet, uh, computer monitor showing, uh, rabbit breasts.

Oh, these are good notes.

Yeah.

Well, if I may continue. So, other times, the mother said, “Lady rabbits make love to man rabbits just to get 50 bucks to feed their carrot habit.”  And I-I have to be honest, I have issues with this image. Mm-hmm. I mean, what’s going on here? That should be recycled.

I have no issue with, uh, the recycle bags, personally. Um… I understand why you would.

“Daddy said, ‘Do you have any other questions?’ Flopsy’s ears perked up. ‘I still don’t know what is bukkake.’ ‘I think it’s best if you see for yourself,’ said Daddy. ‘I’ll invite in Todd, Jordan, and Dan from across the street. This way, I can teach you all about Japan and the rights of females to enjoy themselves.'” And we have a bukkake party.

With the child… present or not present?

The — The children are present.

The children are present, and she’s engaging in sexual acts with more than one male rabbit.

Well, it is a bukkake party, which is —

I don’t know — I don’t know what that is.

Since you’ve helped me so much and you’ve given me so many comments, I would like to add you as a co-author of this book.

No. Absolutely — You do — You do not have my permission to do that.

I will add you as a co-author.

I will not accept that, and I will — I promise to sue you if you do.

I want to open up and tell you a personal experience to do with me and my children. I recently walked in on my son, Harvey Milk, looking at pornographic images on the Internet, and it was very troubling.

And how old was — was your son at that time?

Uh, 12.

Okay.

And I knew that he had been masturbating. I said, “Son, I am going to stay here, right in this room, until you have masturbated to every single image on that website.” Now, what I did not know was that there were 58,000 images and videos on that website. And I tried to maintain eye contact throughout the whole process, because I wanted it to be a teachable moment. Two days later, he was exhausted. He was extremely raw and dehydrated, both from not drinking enough and from the weeping. The positive thing for me is, whenever I bring up pornography, he shudders.

Uh, if your son has been scared off of pornography, that is certainly a positive outcome. Um, not saying that I would have, uh, used the same teaching method.

I want to thank you. I want to say thank you. It’s been great here, sitting with my, uh, fellow pedophile and co-author —

Uh, no, no. Absolutely not. I’m — First of all, you are not to make me a co-author, or I will have to file a lawsuit immediately. I will not have my name associated with any of your book projects that you’ve — you have brought forward and presented today. And if you do that, I will be extremely offended, I will be extremely hurt, and I will be extremely triggered by you. You have caused me to have more negative energy than I’ve ever had, based on that behavior, and it’s unacceptable, and it’s hurtful, and offensive beyond words.


External links:

Episode discussion on the Subreddit for the series “Who Is America?”

Who is America? episode 4 review: Sacha Baron Cohen is the master of keeping a straight face in most surreal episode yet – Review of the episode by Christopher Hooton for the UK newspaper Independent

Wait, Do People Actually Know Just How Evil This Man Is? – Article by Nathan J. Robinson [Current Affairs magazine] that summarizes Arpaio’s conduct as Sheriff: two decades of intimidation, cruelty, and abuses of power…

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