Sacha Baron Cohen’s Who is America? – Episode 3 – Full Transcript

2018-08-03T21:17:53+00:00July 30th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Sacha Baron Cohen's Who is America – Episode 3

[President Kennedy] Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
[President Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
[President Franklin Roosevelt] The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
[President Trump] “Uhh, I don’t know what I said. Uhh!”

♪♪♪ [man chanting in native language] [group chanting in native language] ♪♪♪

[Gen. Erran Morad, Anti-Terror Expert] Al t’daber sh’too-yote [Don’t speak nonsense]. Modern technology is at the forefront of the fight against terror. One time, I killed a suicide bomber with an iPad Pro, but luckily, I had bought AppleCare. I go in now to meet a respected politician to showcase the latest Israeli gadget.

I’m sitting with Roy Moore.

[Reena Ninan, CBSN News] Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore is facing accusations of sexual misconduct.
[Stephanie Ruhle, MSNBC News] Four women…
[David Muir, ABC News] A fifth woman…
[Stephanie Ruhle, MSNBC News] A total of nine women have now come forward.
[Reena Ninan, CBSN News] One accuser says that Moore initiated a sexual encounter when she was just 14 years old.

[Donald Trump] Get out and vote for Roy Moore. Do it. Do it.

It really is an honor.  Shalom.

Shalom.

Very, very nice to meet you.

Well, thank you very much. I’m very honored.

Why Alabama have this strong connection with Israel?

It’s just, Alabama has always been a state that valued freedom, valued liberty…

Of course.

…and appreciated what people went through to get it, and I think that…

Alabama has always been a place for equality.

It has, and we’ve, uh, celebrated throughout our history things like this.

In Alabama, people have always been free, whatever their religion or race or sexuality.

Well, it’s part of our heritage.

Of course.

You know?

So the difference in Israel, and many people ask, “Why we have so many technological innovation?” Because in the army, there is a unit just for technological innovation.

The army has always been about technology.

We are very proud of the new antitunnel tech system, so I don’t know if you are aware we are at two wars with Gaza, and in the last one, Hamas were building tunnels and using them to infiltrate and launch terror attacks.

Yeah, sure.

We have developed seismic waves that can detect where the tunnel is. Hamas are very upset about this, but it has been very exciting. Since it has been started, we have detected three tunnels, each of which would be used for terrorist attack. They have now used this technology to identify other abnormalities. It turns out that sex offenders and particularly pedophiles secrete an enzyme, 4-D DHT, which is actually detectable. It is three times the level of non-perverts, so the phrase “sweating like a rapist” is actually based on science.

Mm.

So in Israel, they have developed a machine that is used in schools and playgrounds to detect anyone coming in, and if they detect a pedophile, the wand alerts the law enforcement and the schools within a hundred mile radius. Uh, it is very, very simple to use. You just switch it on, and because neither of us are sex offenders, then it make absolutely nothing. You just put it on. You put it nearby… [the device beeps near Moore] Wait. This, there’s obviously a problem. Hold on. Hold on. It must be faulty. It’s malfunctioning. I’m sure it will do the same with the other guy here. Uh, Raziel?

Yeah?

Let me just… Uh, sorry. Is this your jacket?

Yes.

Uh, did you lend the jacket to somebody else maybe?

No. No. I’ve been married for 33.

Sure.

Never had an accusation of such things.

I am not accusing you at all. This is not…

Well, then if this is an instrument, I… Certainly, I’m not a pedophile, okay?

No, but the machine works.

Well, I don’t know. Then maybe Israeli technology hasn’t developed properly. How’s that?

This is 99.8 percent accurate. It is not saying that you are a pedophile. Of course not.

I am simply cutting this conversation right now.

No, no, no.

Thank you.

Have you been…

Been nice. I support Israel. I don’t support this kind of stuff.

Thank you.

No. It is, I’m not saying that you’re a sex offender at all.

* * *

Heal the Divide

I’m Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello, and I believe in equal rights for all 24 genders. Two weeks after the election was stolen from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed. I’ve been cycling through our fractured nation to try and heal the divide.

I needed to find out why the Afro-diasporic community did not vote for Hillary. The only way I could think to truly bridge this racial divide was to mediate a dialogue between two natural enemies…

There’s an honest, proven conservative… Chip Limehouse.

…a wretched white politician from South Carolina and a genius gangster rapper from Atlanta.

My name is Chip Limehouse, and I’m from Charleston, South Carolina. I’m formerly a state legislator in South Carolina.

I’m Bone Crusher. I’m a local artist here in Atlanta. I’ve done a lot of music with a lot of people. I’ve enjoyed life.

And racially, you are… How would you identify? As white…

Black.

That’s an offensive tone, though, no, uh, the “B” word?

Black?

Is that… That’s slightly offensive.

Not to me, it isn’t.

Isn’t it Afro-marginalized?

No, I never heard of that.

Because…

Well, you’re from Oregon. I’m from South Carolina. He’s from Georgia. He’s a black man.

Right.

He’s a black man.

Well, I wouldn’t slap him on the shoulder and say he’s a “B” man. That’s… That came off as very condescending. Are you okay?
Okay, so, how would you feel if your daughter had a black pimp?

Uh, I would not be pleased. First of all, my daughter would never be involved with any pimp, so it’s an irrelevant question. Let’s move to the next topic ’cause we’re not getting anywhere.

Okay. Let’s… I agree. Let’s try and bridge the divide somewhat. What was your favorite scene in Moonlight?

I did not see Moonlight, unfortunately, so I can’t comment.

You did not see Moonlight, the Oscar-winning Moonlight? You did not see the winner of the Oscar? Sorry, I did not mean to…

Is your hearing bad? I just said I did not see Moonlight.

He did not see Moonlight. Can you believe that?

I haven’t seen it, either.

What?

I haven’t seen it, either.

Go ahead, next question, ’cause we didn’t see Moonlight.

Okay, well, let’s talk about rap.

Let’s talk about rap.

Is that okay?

Let’s talk about…

If you want to.

You know?

Yes, I would like to.

Whatever you want to do, Nira.

If I may quote one of the great gangster rappers, William “Will” Smith, um, his works are truly powerful. If I may quote, “Wiki wild, wild. Wiki, wiki, wild. Wiki wild. Wi… Wiki, wiki wild, wild, wild West.” Wiki wild. Wiki, wiki, wild, wild West.” Do you find those lyrics inspiring?

I mean, I-I-I like Will Smith. I wouldn’t consider him a gangster rapper.

Oh?

He has better lyrics than that that you quoted. I don’t know what that came from.

Well, he’s referring, of course, to the wild, wild West of where he was brought up, in the streets of Compton. Which, of course, is so wild…

I thought he’s from Philly.

Pardon me?

Will Smith’s from Philly.

Philly?

Wrong again! Everything coming out of your mouth is wrong.

I have not been wrong even once.

You’ve been smoking something.

I I… I am very knowledgeable about rap.

You just mumbled and bumbled about a bunch of stupidity.

I have mumbled and…

Stupidity! Listening to you is offensive.

The idea that what I’m saying is stupid and what you were saying is somehow intelligent…

Uh, you know what?

…is… is itself laughable.

I have three doctorates.

You do?

Oh, yeah. Yes, I do.

In what?

Humane letters.

That’s not a real doctorate.

It’s a doctorate. It’s on my wall.

What, did you buy it off the Internet?

It’s on my wall.

It’s important to show respect to people of other cultures. I met a Syrian man in London by the name of Jabi. We got talking, and after a few hours, he made love to me. And I am not a homosexual, and I never have been.

Hold on a second. You just said a man made love to you. And you’re not a homosexual? You are a homosexual if you had sex with another man.

I… No, he had sex with me.

Don’t get too close.

My point is not that he made love to me. It was that when he was inside me, he did a rocking motion with his phallus. And that was fascinating. He did a kind of swipe up and down with his phallus which was a rocking motion. And that was an eye-opener, quite literally.

* * *

Kill or be Killed

[Maj. Erran Morad, Anti-Terror Expert] Erev tov [Good evening]. Bad hombres pulling in from Mexico with guns, guns, and violence. How we gonna stop this? Easy. We gonna form a gang and use guns and violence. Yalla. Let go.

[Donald Trump] One of my first acts will be to get all of the drug lords, all of the bad ones. We have some bad hombres here, and we’re gonna get ’em out.

I needed two brave commandos for this mission to catch illegal Mexicans, so I met up with three potential candidates.

You guy are coming to me soft, but after one hour with me, I will make you very hard. Not completely hard, but hard enough that it don’t matter who come on you. You will finish them. You will eat their ass. Okay, today’s mission is to trap illegal Mexican. Are you ready for this operation?

[John, Trump supporter] Probably America’s biggest problem or their threat right now is the Islamic terrorism and the illegals coming into this country. They’re taking our jobs. They’re taking our money. And they’re not keeping it here. They don’t want to assimilate with us. I mean, I voted for Trump, as you can see by the hat I’m wearing, uh, for the reason I want him to build the wall.

[Jack, Chair of Northwest Georgia 9/12 Project] There’s no vetting. You don’t… Nobody checks anybody to know who they are. You just come in. You can get a name. You can get a driver’s license in Georgia, which you shouldn’t be able to do, which basically gives you rights to do about anything.

Uh, are there things that the main-street media are not telling you?

[Jack] Oh, yeah.

[Joe, Chairman, Citizens for Refugee Resettlement] All we get are these sob stories about the poor Mexican. You know, we’re paying through the nose to educate these people, put them on welfare.

Today’s mission is to trap illegal Mexican. How we gonna do this?

[John] You have to bait them somehow.

Do you know what quinceañera is?

[Jack] Yeah. They… They get all dressed up, really dressed up, everybody, and they have a big… really big party. I think it’s 15 years old is what the age is for ’em. And it’s a big party. I mean, it’s… And it’s a big… It’s a big, drunk party, is what it is.

[John] It’s a transition for the girl going into womanhood at 15.

[Jack] Right, right.

What do they think they’re gonna do with the young girls?

[Jack] Have their way.

What it mean “have their way”?

[Jack] They’re gonna rape them, really, is what it is.

[John] They’re gonna take advantage of a young, 15-year-old girl who is not ready to go into womanhood.

[Jack] Right.

Yes.

We going to throw a quinceañera. You know why?

[Jack] ‘Cause they all show up.

They going to come because they think there are going to be young girls there.

[Jack] Yeah.

The one who is going to lead the operation out of you will get to be the quinceañera girl. I going to tell you about one piece of clothing that save my life and many other life. This called pussy panties.

[Jack] Hm.

Yeah.

Why do we wear them? Because not enough to look like a woman. You need to feel like a woman.

[Jack] Right.

Yes.

You have heard of Wonderful Woman?

Wonder Woman. Yeah.

Gal Gadot?

Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman.

[Jack] Yes.

This couscous is based on Gal Gadot.

Okay.

Close your eyes. Feel.

Yeah, if you’re… Yeah.

What do you think?

[Jack] Yeah. You could… You could easily pass as that.

What does it feel like?

[John] Feels like a real woman.

Okay, you, close your eyes. Touch my pussy panties.

Yeah. It’s a little dry. It’s a little dry, but I get the idea.

The pussy defense

This is how to go undercover as a 15-year-old quinceañera girl and to disarm the illegal Mexican. I will be the illegal Mexican. You will be the quinceañera girl, okay?

[John] Okay.

Hola.

[John] Hola.

¿Cómo estás? Muy bien. Yeah. Mm. Wow.

Nice.

Yeah. Good.

[John] All right, you motherfucker! You take one step, and I’ll blow your Mexican balls off! Go ahead. Make my 15th birthday. Come on!

If you punch, how do you protect your hand from getting disease?

Wear gloves?

Okay. We use…

Condoms.

This is what we do. You close to fist, then you pull it over. And when you fight, we use K-Y jelly…

[Jack] Yeah.

…and we put on the face wherever we think they will attack. We want an advertisement sign…

[Jack] Right.

That will attract the illegal Mexican. What should we put on the sign?

[Jack] Free food.

What else?

[John] Alcohol, drugs.

Pussy. Pussy. Young girls. Young pussy. That’s what they want.

[John] My role of the mission today is to be the 15-year-old quince-quinciera girl.

[Jack] I’m gonna be the piñata. I’m gonna be filming all the actions that are happening for records for legal purposes.

I decided to lose Joe for the mission because his body type was not believable to play a Mexican teenage girl.

[Jack] The plan is to come in and to lure the illegals in to want to be attracted to the 15-year-old girls so they can get, uh, arrested and get deported.

[John] We’re gonna use, uh, myself as bait, and… lure them in with food and liquor and entertainment, thinking that they’re coming to a celebration.

Then we’re going to put something in the guacamole. They going to get unconscious.

[John] Once they’ve eaten the guacamole and the — the drugs have taken the effect, that’s…

[Jack] They go to sleep.

So, if they try and touch your pussy, what you gonna do?

[John] You need to take their weapons and handle the situation at that moment.

Mission begins

[John] I am here to help move this mission along because of our great country. And we’ve gotten weak over time. And we need to stop the ISIS, the Mexicans, the Syrians, anybody who comes in, tries to infiltrate this country that does not belong here.

Listen, today, we are like one family. Three brothers. Doesn’t matter what happen. We stick together. True?

Yeah.

[Jack] Absolutely.

One, two, three.

[John] Go.

Go. Oh, we go again. We can go again. Try and do it, make it look cool.

One, two, three, go!

Wait. Up at the same time.

One, two, three, go!

Up at the end, okay?

[Jack] Okay.

One, two, three, go!

Oh, you forgot the three.

“One, two, three,” and then up to here.

Yeah. One, two, three, go!

Okay. Going in.

[Jack] Okay.

Are you okay in there, Jack?

[Jack] Yeah. Yes, sir.

Good. And now we wait.

[Erran starts singing the Hebrew song Yerushalayim Shel Zahav, “Jerusalem of Gold,”]

[Police sirens can be heard approaching]

What is that? That might be them. That might be them. I heard something that sounded like Mexican gangster.

[Cop] What’s going on?

I got this. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I got this. Get rid of them. Trying to get the camera. Get rid of them, and then we carry on with the mission.

Okay.

[Cop] Who is in charge? Are you?

[John] No, sir.

[Cop] Can you tell me what’s going on? We got calls about suspicious activity here.

[John] I’m unaware.

[Cop] We have reports you are trying to lure underage girls here.

[John] No, sir.

[Cop] No? Okay…

I’m mariachi singer. I’m on my way to, uh, Las Vegas for a bat mitzvah.

[Cop] Just the two of you?

I don’t know.

It’ll lift up.

[Cop] Lifts up?

[Jack] Oh! Thank you. Okay. Now, I’ll let you, right here, right now… It’s a plastic one.

[Cop] Uh… Can you explain why you got… condoms and KY in your—

[John] This is all a big misunderstanding. Obviously if you’re the police and… Right.

[Jack] As part of the training. If you put… If you put stuff on your face, somebody goes to… to punch you…

[Cop] Anybody care to explain that?

[Jack] I have no idea what that is. I really have no idea. All I got’s what I gave you. That’s all I got.

[Cop] You three got any guns, knives, other weapons?

[John] Just fake stuff.

[Cop] Fake stuff? Like what?

[John] Yeah, I… Yeah. I have a fake weapon.

[Cop] Fake weapon?

[John] Yes, sir.

[Cop] Where is it at?

[John] Underneath, on my leg.

[Cop] Take that off so we can remove it.

[John] Sure.

[Cop] Just let — let Officer Alfred get this.

[Cop] What is that? Looks like a fake vagina.

[John] That’s exactly what it is.

* * *

“Gangster Rap” Battle

[Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello] I’m here in the inner city, surrounded by what is referred to as gangster bangers. I need a way to connect to this wonderful community, but how without cultural appropriation? There’s only one thing I can do. Rap to them.

We got a surprise battle going on. One of the contestants is not a surprise. Nigga just walked on stage, and he the biggest nigga in here. But I want y’all to make some noise for Ness Lee, the Atlanta legend, man. Y’all know what’s going on. And I got another contestant, Professor Nira Cain from Reed College, Oregon. It’s on Ness to go first. Make some noise, man.

I say lyricism takes will, time and dedication
so let’s get straight to the point my nigger
you’re gonna get slapped and that’s [?]

Uh, “gangster rap,” if I may use that
In, uh, quotation marks, so to speak ?
Is, uh, seen as a rebellion against…

Talk to him!
[indistinct shouting]

However, if I may quote Professor Anthony Badgerieral
In his seminal thesis of 1997
He made it clear, so, uh, please wave your hands
In the air if you do care about women’s rights

[indistinct shouting]

I would say that I am slightly easy to be triggered
And please respond respectfully

[indistinct shouting]

Holla!

[shouting continues]

Hey, yo, at the end of the day
If I ever see you on the block, I’m gonna run that up
“Please respond resp…” Shut your dumb-ass up

[laughter, cheering]

I’ll slap your white ass
And I go back to your crib, and I’ll grab your wife ass

[man] Yeah!

Ever leave me alone with her for over five minutes
I’mma slide in and tell her
That nine inches is a white privilege

[cheering, shouting]

I appreciate your comments
Firstly, I do not have a wife
She is a partner who is an equal partner in me
If there was consensual love making between you and her
I would approve of it, and it’s happened in the past
I would wait outside the yurt
And I would listen to a podcast
With noise-canceling headphones
To drown out any of her moaning

[indistinct shouting]

Please, please.
I suffer from macrophallus, and I find it an encumbrance
You talk, uh, in bragging terms
About the size of your phallus

Right, right, right.

I believe the inverse is true
I, myself, am ashamed
That I have a larger phallus than you

[shouting, cheering]

[man] Gimme some!

Gimme some! Gimme some!

That’s what you do! That’s how you talk to him!

Yo! [chuckles]

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