I told you to shut up. Hey, baby, what the hell are you doing? What? Ron, you promised. You know how I get when all that jabberin’ starts. It just makes me crazy sometimes. You know how I am. Get in. You have a show to do in four hours. Oh, baby, we gonna make it to that show, you don’t worry about that. You just get this Cadillac fired up, and headed towards Austin. Jabberin’. All right! Bye, baby.
Austin, Texas, how the hell are ya? Great to be back. Oh, man, it’s so great to be back in Austin, Texas. I just have so much fun when I’m here. I see so many friends. Thanks for comin’ out. I was in Bakersfield, California, Wednesday night. Boy, you people think you’re stupid. Last time I was in Austin was the first time I’ve ever blatantly been offered a three-way. And I turned it down, ‘Cause it was one of those deals Where it was two dudes and me. I don’t even watch two and a half men. We flew in from Los Angeles, and we’re goin’ through lax, goin’ through screening, And this guy was just losin’ his fuckin’ mind, ’cause I guess he doesn’t travel that much. He’s not used to this equipment, and he’s just goin’ crazy. You know, you can have fun with that. You can do what I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat-down. “What’s that in your pants, Mr. White?” I have no idea. You’re gonna need to pat that down. Pat it back up again. Give it a couple of twists, see if it’s hooked to anything. You might wanna go wash your hands.
I started this tour this summer in Las Vegas, and while I was in Vegas, I broke this tooth off at the gum line, in an alcohol-swimming pool-related incident. I had a show to do in four hours, I was drunk, and missin’ a tooth. It looked a little unprofessional. Not to me, but to the fine folks at the mirage, It goddamn sure did. I told ’em, i said, you gotta get A dentist to patch this up. I will not go onstage lookin’ like this, ‘Cause this tooth doesn’t look that big until it’s gone. They found an all-Night dental school. This dentist is 14 years old. He hooks me up to the gas, and i don’t feel anything. I’m, like, dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, “there are regulations in the state of Nevada Stating which, code one, section four…” I’m, like, fuck! And i asked him, i said, where did you go to college? He goes, “Brigham young.” Fuck, dude, turn it up to catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don’t do it. And I’ll tell you why. They don’t understand “fucked up” The way you and i do. They don’t. They’re guessin’, and they’re shitty guessers. When he got through with the procedure, You could still tell which tooth he worked on, ‘Cause it was a different color. My teeth looked like Indian corn. I had to go to my dentist, Who’s pitchin’ veneers for my teeth, Because he says I’m doin’ wide-Screen high-Definition television, Which is nobody’s friend. Every actor I know in Hollywood would rather have low-Definition narrow-Screen TV, So they look thin and fuzzy instead of clearly fat. I would like to see my dick on a wide-Screen TV. That way, i can quit lookin’ at it through my reading glasses. Put these on, baby. It looks bigger than it feels. I had no idea how expensive veneers were, man. They wanted to do eight teeth on the top, And six teeth on the bottom, And i was, like, how much is that gonna cost? He says, “$27,500.” Fuck, how much is dental school? I’ll teach my mother how to do it. You’re goin’ back to college, mom. “I never went to college.” This’ll be fun for you then. It was a weird week, and I knew it was gonna be a weird week, ’cause it started off weird. I was gonna go to Vegas a day early to do some media, and I wanted to see this show called Love that’s also at the mirage. Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. Fantastic fuckin’ show. And so, I was talkin’ to… My wife and I live in Atlanta and Hollywood, And we were out in California, And I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas, and I have an airplane that you guys bought me. I like it a lot. Half the fortune 500 companies in America have let go their private jets. Not Ron White Inc. I’m flyin’ that son of a bitch straight into bankruptcy. I guarantee you, one day, I’ll be livin’ in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I’ll have a jet with weeds growin’ through it. I’ll be in the front seat goin’, push me around some. And I don’t come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from no money. Ten years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend’s backyard. He didn’t even know I was there. It wasn’t even a nice camper. It was a homemade pop-up camper. It was like somebody had duct taped a tent to a golf cart. I had a 20-inch Coleman television. I had to pump it up during commercials. You couldn’t watch porn on it, ’cause nobody’s that coordinated. I was broke. I owed the I.R.S. a bunch of money, ’cause I don’t understand how that works. It’s confusing. When I started doing stand-up, they said that made me an independent contractor, And they said I needed to start filing my taxes quarterly, which I thought meant every 25 years. My brain won’t wrap itself around shit that complicated. My brain does this. That’s it, that’s all it does. I have attention deficit disorder, I have learning disabilities. I don’t have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper. I do have a G.E.D., and if you don’t know what G.E.D. stands for, you probably got one, too. Anyway, I told my wife, I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Vegas. My wife’s a singer, songwriter, composer. Margo Rey is her name. A brilliantly talented woman. And she says, “I’m workin’ with a guitar player in the studio till 5:00. You can’t wait till 5:30 so I can fly with you?” I said, can you be there at 5:30? And she said yes, which I knew was a lie, Because she’s the biggest liar I ever met in my life. When it comes to how long it’s gonna take her to get somewhere, I hear her on the phone all the time, just lyin’ through her teeth. “We’re two exits away, traffic’s really heavy. We should be there in 15 minutes.” I’m, like, you’re in the fuckin’ bathtub. We wouldn’t be there in 15 minutes If we were where you said we were. But i told her, i said, you get there at 5:30, You can fly with me, but let me tell you something, sugar tits. At 5:31, I am wheels up, and i am fucking gone. I said that. Not very loud. But i said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No. – Do I leave? – Audience: no! No. 6:01 gets there, is she there? No. Do i leave? No. Why? Because this dick won’t suck itself, that’s why. It won’t. I’ve asked it to many, many times. In fact, the other day, I sat my dick down, I looked him straight in the eye, And I said, listen… I know I’ve drug you into some pretty muddy shit In the last 35 years. I need you to get past that, learn how to suck yourself, So I can grow a spine, And get on with my goddamn life. It went in one ear and out the other. My dick has ears. It has an eye, And it has two ears, And a double chin. Mr. Potato dick. The cutest thing you ever saw. I got little outfits to put on him. One of ’em’s a raincoat. Not a condom, a raincoat. Little yellow slicker with that hat. Looks like that fish and chips dude. It’s the exact same size as the one on the box. That’s just an interesting fact. What is it, ron? An interesting fact.
Anyway, so we go see Love, The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. I’m a huge fan of the Beatles. I just love their music, always have, And cirque’s always fun. Our show’s are at the same time, So i’d never been able to see it. I got eight people from my camp, My wife’s sittin’ next to me. We have great seats because i work for the mirage. Everything’s perfect, except… Right behind me, these two chicks Are just jabberin’. Not about the show, just jabberin’. Just jabber jabber, can’t shut up. Jabber jabber, won’t shut up. Jabber fuckin’ jabber fuckin’ jabber jabber. The kind of chicks that could talk around a blow job. I told my dave, if you don’t fix that goddamn screen door, I’m gonna… I come home one more time, that baby got a shitty diaper Wrapped around his ass, I’m gonna goddamn… …go to the swap meet, get a dress to wear to arby’s… And i turn around and look, I notice their husbands weren’t with ’em. I figure they’re at a gun show tryin’ to find A way out of this fuckin’ thing. Oh, that’s way better. I hear the guy sittin’ next to ’em go, “Hey, could you hold it down? My family’s tryin’ to watch the show.” She goes, “fuck you. We paid our money. We’ll do whatever the hell we want.” I was steamin’ fuckin’ pissed. They’re ruining my goddamn night. I can’t hear anything but that. I’ve been waitin’ for a year to fuckin’ see this show. And i turned around, and very politely… Don’t start with me. Very politely, i said, Lady, talkin’ during live theater, As far as social skills go, Is just like shittin’ in the street. She goes, “you better mind your own business.” I said, you better quit shittin’ in the street. She goes, “I’ll have you thrown outta here.” I said, if you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster. Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that one. Then, 1,700 people hear me goin’, If you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster… This all at a show called love, by the way. I had her murdered and buried in the desert. Vegas, baby. Careful who you fuck with. And legend has it, if you go out into the desert, And the moon is full, And the wind dies down, You could still hear her jabberin’. “I’m a street shitter. I’m shittin’ in the street.” “Did you… What the fuck was that?” “That’s that chick Ron killed.” They call this jabber gulch.
My favorite thing about playin’ Vegas is I get to play this golf course called Shadow Creek, which is one of the most exclusive golf courses in the world. I worked for ’em three years, didn’t even know it existed, because they knew if I found out it existed, that I’d pester the fuck out of ’em till they put it in my contract, which is exactly what happened. It’s amazing. This golf course is just so fuckin’ tricked out. The first time I walked through the gates, I was, like, nobody’s stoppin’ me. It’s where all the pros play when they’re in Vegas. I was out there this summer, and Tiger Woods was out there, just dickin’ around. I met him, he signed my golf glove. He’s the most famous person I’ve ever met, and I know a lot of famous people, but nobody as famous as Tiger fuckin’ Woods. I love Tiger, man. I defended Tiger. When all that stuff first came out, when I heard those initial rumors, I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy, because I’ve never been accused of doin’ anything I didn’t do. Not one goddamn time. I did it every single time. Not once could i go, no, that was Glen Campbell. Hey, a lot of things smell like strippers. And i defended him to my wife. I said, you don’t know what this guy’s been through. Hit his first famous golf shot on television When he was two years old. You don’t know what his home life’s like. You can’t judge the guy ’cause he made one mistake. Then he gets caught with number 13, 14, 15, 16. I started goin’, goddamn, tiger. Come on, buddy. And it got to the point where every time He got caught with another woman, My wife would go like this. What?! I don’t even know the fuckin’ guy. You’re actin’ like i was holdin’ his dick the whole time. We watched him make that long apology on television, And afterwards, my wife goes, “Do you think a guy like tiger Could quit cheatin’ on his wife?” I said… You bet. Which you know is bullshit, ‘Cause you know as well as i do, If a guy likes strange, gettin’ him to quit wantin’ strange Is like gettin’ a dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killin’ chickens. They don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about. You gotta quit killin’ chickens. All right, let me see if i got this straight. I can still kill chickens. No, you can’t kill chickens anymore. All right. Let’s say I’m in a hotel room with a chicken. Let’s say the chicken just wants to touch me. Can i kill that chicken? No. My wife told me all women want the same thing. They wanna marry somebody who will never have sex with anybody else, no matter what. I said, well, maybe you should consider marryin’ somebody that nobody else wants to fuck. If it means that much to you. Don’t marry the most famous golfer in the world. Marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world. Ain’t no line to fuck that dude. We had a chat about cheatin’ that day. My wife told me, she goes, listen, let’s get this straight. Sex is sex. Period. I said, now, wait a minute. Oral sex is not the same as intercourse. She goes, it’s the exact same thing. I said, it’s not the same price. I heard that on the radio. It all comes down to opportunity, man. Some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women, and that is hard to do. Some guys are never put in that position, And that’s way fuckin’ easier. I see these big 350-Pound guys all the time goin’, I have never cheated on my wife. I’ll bet that was tough. Tiger doesn’t get any credit For all that pussy he turned down, And that’s the number you’re lookin’ for right there. My wife’s best friend, her husband cheated on her, and my wife hates tiger’s guts, and I’m like, what about that guy? You don’t hate that guy. She goes, he did it one time. I said, he had one chance. This guy had sex with 100% of the women He possibly could his entire goddamn life. Tiger was 18 for 82,000. That takes a little goddamn discipline right there. If 82,000 women wanna have sex with you, and you only fuck 18 of ’em, that’s… love. He was in love with that woman. She broke his tiny Tiger heart. He lost all those sponsors, which never made sense to me. ‘Cause his core fan base is men, And I don’t know one guy in America who gave a fiddler’s fuck what he did. I guarantee you, not one guy in America went, really? Tiger got some straight pussy? I’m droppin’ at&t. Not one guy gave a fiddler’s fuck. When they were around their wives, they’d act like they gave a fiddler’s fuck. Get all foghorn leghorn. Why, i never! I can’t believe a man would commit such transgressions towards his wife. I say, i say, how’s his relationship with the lord, I’d like to know. Then as soon as they’re around their buddies, It’s, like, i wonder what kind of cologne he wears. I wanna smell just like that dude, man. He lost so many sponsors, I’m thinkin’ about Bringin’ him over to ron white inc. Not because we need a new face for the company, I’d just love to have somebody around the house To take the heat when i fuck up. “Ron white, you are the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life.” Tiger, get in here! You tell her what you did. “Ron white, you are the finest man i have ever known. “I shall fall to my bended knee And suckle your penis.” Well, thank you, baby. Slow down. Watch out for those ears.
My new year’s resolution this year was to lose some weight, try to get in better shape. I was workin’ on it yesterday, And i hurt my fat. I sprained my fat roll. Everybody in my camp’s on my ass About takin’ better care of myself. I’m, like, what? My wife bought me a bicycle, Thinkin’ i might ride it. It’s for sale. It’s a good deal, too. It’s like new. It’s got 750 yards on it. My wife wants me to start doin’ yoga with her, And i said, wait, baby, I’m not that flexible. She goes, you can bend over and touch your toes, can’t you? I said the only way i can touch my toes is if somebody cuts ’em off and hands ’em to me. I can’t even stand on one foot unless somebody’s shinin’ a flashlight in my eye. I thought this was funny. We were at my wife’s yoga school the other day, and they have a vegan restaurant there. My wife goes, why don’t we eat here? We’ve never eaten here. I said, fine, let’s eat here, ‘Cause this dick won’t suck itself. It’s all about compromise, folks. And i take my tray around to all the bean sprout piles, And i get to the cash register, and my tray is empty. And the purple dreadlock-Haired kid who runs the cash register goes, Mr. White, aren’t you gonna have something for lunch? I said, there’s just nothin’ here that I eat. He picks up a piece of carrot cake wrapped in cellophane, and he hands it to me. “Try this, it’s vegetarian.” The carrot cake… is vegetarian? He said yeah. I said, so you mean to tell me there’s no ham in this? ‘Cause my mother makes a meat-lovers’ carrot cake. It’s got sausage, pepperoni, hamburger meat. It’s not really heart healthy. She serves it with a lipitor and a stent. They have snuggies now for dogs, and i love dogs, But if i ever see a dog wearin’ a snuggie, I’m gonna kill it, because that’s what I think the dog would want me to do. I think if all dogs go to heaven, Michael Vick’s gonna be a little nervous if he makes the cut. Yeah. There’s gonna be an awkward pause at the pearly gates. Really? They’re all here? Yeah, seems like they’re waitin’ on you, too, mike. I’m gonna slip off to hell. Tell Bin Laden I said fuck you. We got bin laden. It took ten years. It wasn’t exactly a calf rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would’ve shot my fuckin’ self. I’d have had my head out the window screamin’ at drones. I’m over here! Women. We have a little french bulldog named Pearl, And the other day, my wife said, “I finally figured it out. “That dog is jealous of me. “That dog loves you so much, She can’t stand it if I’m in the same room with you.” I said, oh, don’t be ridiculous. And she walked into the kitchen. When she did, pearl jumped on my stomach and said, “I can have all your babies at the same time.” “She’s comin’ back. Act like nothin’s goin’ on.” Nothin’ is goin’ on. I didn’t know whether to buy more of that weed, Or never smoke it again. I went with… “a.”
I got busted with weed in Florida last year. Less than a gram of weed, And they took my happy ass to jail. I been partyin’ in Florida for years. I didn’t even know they had laws. Looked to me like everybody just run amuck down there. I’ll run amuck with you. I’ll run the fuck out of amuck with you. They took me to jail, man. I tell you what happened. I fired these two pilots for bein’ dickheads, And they were such dickheads, They started followin’ my plane around On a software called flight aware, And if you know the tail number, You can follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes. Right before i’d land in a town, They’d call the cops, tell ’em it was a drug plane, So the cops would come fuck with me. That’s pretty fuckin’ funny. Then they were on the news in Atlanta where i live, Both of these assholes, live on the news goin’, “Ron White is out of control. “He gets drunk on his plane, he smokes pot on his plane, He has sex on his plane.” I’m, like, this is my plane we’re talkin’ about, right? It’s not like i did that shit on a delta flight, For fuck’s sake. No, my phone’s off. My wife got pissed at me When i got busted with that weed, And she smokes pot. What the fuck is up with that? I come home, she goes, “You smoke too much pot.” I said, oh, let me get this straight. You smoke the correct amount of pot. You ever smoke so much pot, your wife starts to make sense? Me either.
I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus. Does that make me a bad person? I’m drivin’ the bus. Aaahhh! She’s had enough.
Early last year in Florida, at sea world in Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale. Huh. Turns out there’s a reason they didn’t name ’em ocean ponies. Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill. Pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I’m not sure how the sperm whale got his name, but I’m not gettin’ in the pool. That whale got his job back. They put that whale back in the show. When I first saw it on the internet, I thought this’ll be world news. Wasn’t even news at all. They put the whale back. This whale killed three people. This is a serial killer whale. And he got his job back? If that would’ve happened at sea world in Texas, that whale would’ve gone straight to the fuckin’ electric pool. And that’s just a regular pool with a toaster thrown in it. People think they’re expensive to make, but it’s, like 14 bucks. You can reuse the extension cord. People don’t know that. Get another toaster.
They busted a sushi restaurant last year in L.A., sellin’ whale, and they fined ’em 200,000 bucks. That is so fuckin’ wrong, man, To take a 50,000-pound majestic animal, And serve it up two tiny slices at a time. Oh, that’s good. Got any more? “Shit, yeah, we do.” “We have a shit ‘road.'” “We make a big commitment. I don’t know how it got caught.” Maybe that 14-foot fin hangin’ out of the dumpster. “I shoulda crosed the rid.” Yeah. Probably should’ve crosed the rid.
I live in Atlanta half the year, and last summer in Atlanta, an idiot teenager was decapitated at a major amusement park in Atlanta on a very famous roller coaster. What I thought happened was he was on the ride, stood up and got his head cut off. That’s not what happened. What happened was, while he was on the ride, his hat flew off. When he got off the ride, he climbed over two fences, and went through two gates tellin’ him not to, to retrieve his hat, which it turns out, he didn’t really need, after all. Why, that story’s drippin’ with irony, mr. White. The part of the show where I prove my job is better than yours.
Cheers. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for comin’ out on a Saturday and listening. I was at home last week, And my nephew called our house, and I never answer the phone at my house ever. I think he was surprised that i did. I answer the phone, he goes, uncle Ron, is that you? I said, yeah, it’s me. He goes, uncle Ron, Did you know it’s okay to be gay? This is why I don’t answer the fuckin’ phone in my house right there. Now it’s my problem. I’m, like, well, you’re right. It is okay to be gay. Do you know what gay means? He goes, that’s where a man likes a man, or a woman likes a woman, but they can’t have babies. Pretty close. You believe at six years old, this kid knows what gay means? I didn’t find out what gay meant till I started hitchhiking. I wrote a book, Seven silly secrets truckers just don’t want you to know.
My wife and I are big fans of the reality TV show on HBO called Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. It’s a reality show about the pornography industry In the San Fernando Valley, which is where most of it’s made. And we bought the first season, ’cause it’s fuckin’ hilarious. This one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars, but were doing gay porn ’cause it pays five times the money, And they’re interviewing this guy, and he goes, “Yeah, I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time, and I’m not even gay.” I was, like, you’re gayer than I am. If you can even think of what to do with five dicks at the same time, you’re way fuckin’ gayer than I am.
This is the gay part of my show. I was at dinner the other night with this CBS executive who I’ve known for years. Great fuckin’ dude, man. He’s gay, and I never said a word to him about bein’ gay. I just knew that he was. We’re havin’ dinner in Beverly Hills, and talkin’ about a potential show, And this chick walks into the restaurant, This L.A. Smokin’ fuckin’ hot, man, Probably an actress or a model. She was a milf, which means, I don’t care if she has children. I don’t think the letters line up, But that’s what it means. She sits at a table kinda near us by herself, And I’d had a couple of bottles of wine with dinner, And a couple of scotches before that, And i was pretty drunk. I said, you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you? And he looked at her and he goes, “Not a thing.” I said, you mean, You would rather have sex with me than her? “Not by much.” What if i lost some weight? I’m doin’ yoga. And I’m eatin’ ham-Free carrot cake. My dick has ears. That’s my favorite thing about L.A. Is the people out there are just so goddamn pretty, man. I’ll tell you how it happened. Back in the’20s, they started makin’ movies out there, And when they did, all these beautiful people From all over america flocked the fuck out there To be in the movies. They couldn’t all be in the movies. Some of ’em got regular jobs, But they met those people that were in the movies. They got together, they had these beautiful babies, And those babies grew up and met other babies From the same area, they got together, And had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing Is happenin’ right now in Kansas. Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It’s true. Those people that live on the fuckin’ west coast, Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, And fought hardships you and i can’t even dream of, With starvation and weather and crossin’ the rocky mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas, said, fuck it, I’m stayin’ here, And I’m gonna fuck that fat girl right over there. “We had a baby. It looks like a potato.” And that potato grew up and met another potato From the same town. Abracadabra… topeka! My wife came home with a story the other day. She goes, “i was in the produce department today, And this guy told me i was beautiful.” Well, baby, he’s right. You are beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Well, I’m sayin’ it now. You’re beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Really? You ever overdraw his checkin’ account? You ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the fuckin’ garage door? Has that ever happened to that guy? It happened to me, and i think you’re so hot, I’d fuck you anyway. And if you’re one of these guys goin’ around in grocery stores tellin’ married women they’re beautiful, Hey, fuck you. Kill your own chicken, you mother… My wife’s best friend has an autistic child named Louis. Louis is 12 years old. He is the sweetest child i have ever known. I’ve known him since he was six. We were at their house labor day, And Louis informed me that he was gonna run the 40-Yard dash for the special Olympics at Gwinnett high school near where I live in Atlanta, And he asked me if I’d come root for him. And i said, louis, I’d love to come root for you. I just need to check my schedule. And he goes, “we checked it, you’re clear.” Well, then, I’m your man, Louis. And i got to admit, I was dreadin’ it, Then i ended up havin’ fun. I thought it was gonna be sad. That’s why I was dreadin’ it. It’s a celebration is what it is. People were tailgatin’. They’re not paintin’ their faces and bellies blue, But they’re cookin’ sausages, gettin’ hammered, bettin’ on these races. Make no mistake about it. They are bettin’ on these races. And it’s not easy to handicap a race. You got 17 special needs kids in six lanes, You don’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen When they fire that startin’ pistol. They could scatter. Stop, drop and roll. We saw it all that day. They’re not drug testin’ these kids. And they announced the 40-Yard dash, And i was makin’ a little wager On my man Louis, which i did for 100 bucks. I was lookin’ down at the track. I’m up in the stands, and I’m tryin’ to figure out Which one’s Louis, which isn’t easy, ‘Cause they all wear the exact same thing. They wear special Olympics t-Shirts, Special Olympics shorts, which they got that day. But you can wear whatever footwear you want, And Louis, for whatever reason, They had chosen yellow rubber boots. Which didn’t make sense at first, And then, it started rainin’. Fuck, if this thing goes off-Road… I got a natural mudder. And Louis won. The yellow blur. That’s what i call him now, the yellow blur. He loves that nickname. His mother called me the other day. She goes, “would you please call Louis the yellow blur?” Put him on the phone. You’re the yellow blur. Bing! It’s not like professional sports. You go to a Lakers game, you wave at Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off, He won’t wave back to you. Louis waved back to you in the middle of the fuckin’ race. He doesn’t give a shit. Louis is fan friendly. Louis’ll stop and sign an autograph. The yellow blur. I took my son tater tot to Europe this summer. My son is 21 years old now. He’s in college. He’s gettin’ his master’s in entertainment business. He’s a great kid. I’m so proud of him. He’s smart, he’s funny. He has my brains, high-End peaks, Without my low-End problems. That’s some good goddamn news for dad to hear. We’ve been monitorin’ it. He’s funny. I was doin’ a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college, and i was backstage with him. I don’t get asked to do a ton of corporate gigs, ‘Cause what do you want your corporate image to be? We were hopin’ for an overweigh alcoholic That smokes and cusses. Let’s call Louis, see if Ron’s free. Anyway, I’m backstage in the green room with my son, And i wear wild socks. And because i do, people give me bizarre socks, For whatever reason. I’m backstage with my son, I’m puttin’ on these weird socks, And marshall goes, “uh, dad, uh… Those socks are gay.” I said, chicks dig these socks. He goes, “chicks wear those socks.” All right, he’s my kid. You can stop those tests. I love his mom, man. His mom’s great. She’s my second wife. I never argued with her ever. She didn’t wanna be married to somebody That was always gonna be on the road. The only argument i ever remember havin’ with her Was when he was a toddler, About whether or not we should spank him. Her contention was that if you had an argument With an adult, and you disagreed with him, You certainly wouldn’t hit him. I said, i would if they peed in my face. I’m not kiddin’. Pee in my face, See what the fuck happens. She busted him with internet porn when he was 15, And i felt so sorry for him. She called me, just squawkin’. And i felt horrible for the kid, ‘Cause when i was 15, i was so horny, I could jack off to the sears catalog, And that’s just big-Girl panties and lawn mowers. I can’t imagine bein’ 15 years old, And havin’ an unstoppable stream of pornography Piped straight into your goddamn bedroom. When i was a kid, i had to earn porn, man. You had to wait till your friend’s dad Went out of town on business, You had to pull down a rickety spring-Loaded attic ladder, You had to crawl up into a dusty, spider-ridden fuckin’ crawlspace, Forage through cardboard boxes Till you find an eight-Millimeter reel, Then what? Learn how to work a fuckin’ projector, that’s what! And after all that, You got silent, bushy porn. And if there was a soundtrack, It was always so fucked up, you couldn’t understand it. “He gonna stick his finger in her ear?” “No, his penis in her rear. Watch the movie.” We had one friend that was two years younger than us, And he went, “she put it in her mouth!” “I didn’t know she was gonna put it in her mouth!” “She’s gonna need to brush her teeth.” Not yet, but she will. Watch the film. Note to self: put it in her mouth. So Laurie told me, that’s my ex-Wife’s name. She goes, “you’re gonna need to talk to your son about sex. It’s time.” I said, you’re right, it is. She goes, “when are you gonna do it, Ron?” I said, he’s gonna be at the house this weekend, So i’ll talk to him then. And she said, “okay, fine.” I said, marshall, turn off the television. Turn it off. I need to talk to you. I said, i wanna talk to you about sex. “Oh, dad, come on.” Nope, you’re 15 years old, it’s time we had this talk. He goes, okay. I said, the clitoris is as sensitive as an eyeball. “Is that it?” That’s all i got. Don’t go rubbin’ on it if it’s dry. Turn that TV back on, boy. “What about safe sex, dad?” Yeah, it’s never safe, their husbands always come home. That’s a fuckin’ myth. He’s so smart, man. I just can’t believe how smart kids are today. He can answer any question that you can come up with In two seconds, off his phone. He’s a computer freak anyway, but you ask any question, Doesn’t matter… World geography, world history, A note in a song written 300 years ago. There it is. When i was a kid, i had to believe my mother. That’s it, that’s all i had. Mommy, where do rainbows come from? “Well, 3,000 years ago, “An 800-year-old man named Noah “Was commissioned by the lord to build a giant ship, And all the animals, two by two.” You try to run that crap by a kid today. They’re, like, click, click. Bullshit. Click, click. Porn. People fuckin’ on my phone. If my mother didn’t know the answer to a question, I had to go to the library, Which is a building. Where they used to store the knowledge. Now it’s just a place where homeless people piss. My mother used to drop me off at the library when i was a kid, And i was always so intimidated by it, ‘Cause it was so big, And you had to be quiet, ‘Cause the knowledge is sleeping. You had to learn a decimal system Made up by some fuck named Dewey. Then you had to peruse a 100,000-Square-Foot building With volumes of knowledge from floor to ceiling, Ceiling to floor. You had to cross-Reference Dewey’s bullshit With the author’s name and the card catalog. And you finally get to the place Where the knowledge you seek is supposed to be, And it might not fuckin’ be there. “Where’s the knowledge that i seek?” “Yeah, somebody else has got it.” “When are they gonna bring it back?” “They keep it for a month for a nickel.” “How am I supposed to learn what i need to know?” “You asked your mother?” “My mother doesn’t know how to work a projector. She’s in dental school, for fuck sake.” Don’t try to do the math on that bit. It’ll just fuck you up. A guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago, And he goes, wait a minute now. If this summer, you were back in Las Vegas, that’s when you broke your tooth. That’s when your mother went to dental school. And now, you’re seven years old, You’re saying your mother… I’m, like… Dude, really? You had no problem with pearl jumpin’ on my stomach, And sayin’ she could have all my babies at the same time. But the math on this one joke has got you so fucked up, you just have to talk.
Tell you, the internet changed everything, And it certainly changed the way people don’t buy music. The record industry is on its ear, man, Because what they manufacture became easier to steal Than it is to buy, And that’s just a fact of nature these days. They’ll figure it out, But i used to sell millions of comedy albums, And now, it’s hard to sell ’em, ‘Cause it’s just so easy to fuckin’ rip it off. Just click, click, outta my I.R.A., into your i-Fuckin’-Pod. When i was a kid, you had to get a ride to sears, Which is a building. You had to find the record department on your own, then you had to cram a twelve-inch by twelve-inch album down your shorts then you had to spongebob squarepants it with Led Zeppelin II crammed down your fuckin’ pants, hopin’ nobody was gonna catch your ass. That’s stealin’ music! We didn’t have viagra. You had to like somebody to fuck ’em. I’m kiddin’. You didn’t either. You didn’t either. Grudge-Fuck the hell outta them. We didn’t have blue mountains on our beer cans To tell you if they were cold. You had to open the refrigerator, Reach in there and touch that beer can, Or you’d never know. But somebody, somewhere went, “If we only had some sort of thermostat “On each individual can, “Like the mountains changing color, To see the optimum drinking temperature.” Thank you, rocky mountain. Even though your beer tastes like ass. Those mountains should turn brown. So i tour, that’s what i do. I go from city to city to city to city. I’ve done it for 27 years. I’ve been comin’ to Austin all 27 of those years, from the Velveeta room to the laff stop, to the capitol city comedy club, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount. It’s my favorite room in the whole wide fuckin’ world.
I tour with my wife usually, And I love to tour with my wife, because I only have sex with my wife. I don’t have sex with other women. I been married three times, and that has not always been my policy. When I was young, I used to talk to my cousins about this race we were gonna have to see who gets married first. I came in second, fourth and seventh.
I feel like my wife misled me a little bit when we first got together, because when we first got together, she was all about, you know what? I don’t ever wanna have children. I’m just one of those women that never felt the urge to give birth. And I don’t like real diamonds. I don’t like ’em ’cause of that blood diamond thing. You know what I like to do? Suck dick and cook. I like to suck dick, and I like to cook. In fact, when I’m not cookin’, I’m suckin’ dick, and when I’m not suckin’ dick, I’m cookin’. In fact, if there was a way I could suck your dick while I was cookin’, if we got a stool, and you stood on it, and I could blow you while I’m scramblin’ some eggs, wearin’ fake jewelry, not havin’ a baby, all at the same time… That would be heaven for me. Fuck! Me, too. Cut to five years later. She’s on the phone with China tryin’ to adopt a baby, she got a diamond on her finger looks like a solar fuckin’ heating unit, I’m jackin’ off, eatin’ a TV dinner. Wonder what she’s got on under that snuggie. I’ll bet she’s naked as shit under that snuggie. We have a great sex life. You ever 69 someone so long, you start to miss each other? Then the snow turned to rain. I love you. April, may. I need some food. And we could both use a shave. We did it one time so long, it turned into another number. What is this, a 71? You have your toe in my nose. What the fuck? My wife has a new move in the bedroom.
My wife’s new move in the bedroom is… look at me. Look at me. Open your eyes, Ron. Look at me. And that’s a lot of pressure. It is. To look into the eyes of the woman you love while you’re makin’ love, and look deep into her soul, and still see another woman. What the fuck are you doin’ here? I thought you got hit by a bus.
I’m great at sex, I come every time. I’m, like, 4,000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number. Gifted, really, i guess. My wife’s maybe a third as good as me. I don’t think she’s tryin’. I asked her the other day, What’s the fuckin’ problem here, baby? She goes, well, for one thing, there’s a fat, sweaty guy layin’ on top of me. That’d break my concentration. Get off me, dude, I’m tryin’ to come. That’s not true. When I’m about to come, I have the focus of a navy seal. Afterwards, I lay there like a wounded manatee. Poke him with a stick, see if he moves. My wife gives the best head, if you ever have a chance. First time my wife gave me a blow job, my hands went numb. I’m, like, I’m either havin’ a stroke, or this girl knows her way around a weiner. And I told her when she got finished, I said, that’s the best damn blow job I ever had in my life, by a lot. She goes, I know, it’s kinda weird, ’cause I used to be not that good at it. I was talkin’ to my friend Ted the florist that lived down the street, and I just asked him how he does it. You suck my dick like Ted the florist? That motherfucker knows what he’s doin’, I’ll tell ya that. Now every time I see Ted, I’m, like, you oughta open a school, dude. Call it Ted’s head. Two lips for every occasion. You could open a head and breakfast. Then what would my slogan be? Food. It’s the only thing that doesn’t suck.
You guys have been fantastic. I’m gonna close with… So nobody’s watchin’ the dogs, I guess. I’ll try to get pearl to play bite my face. Pearl’s favorite thing. She can have all my babies at the same time. Her favorite thing in the world is for me to bite her face, ’cause she’s like a billy goat, fuckin’ elbow or whatever, it has no feeling in it. So if I lay down on the floor, sometimes… she didn’t do it last show, so you have to be quiet. If I tell her to bite my face, she’ll run and jump up, and land her mouth right on my face, so I’ll bite it, so, sh, sh. Let’s try it. Well, that went way better than I thought it would.
Now I’m gonna close the show this evening with my Dr. Phil story. Dr. Phil McGraw is a friend of mine. We play golf together all the time In Los Angeles, and he’s a great guy. You never know… we became friends From him bein’ a fan. And you never know, if you see somebody on TV, what they’re gonna be like in person. Doc’s a solid fuckin’ dude. I guarantee that. He’s straight as he can be, but he’s a great fuckin’ hang, and he’s a great asset for me. My father passed away when I was young, and now, I’m in this big business world, and I can bounce all these things that I have goin’ on off of doc and his 35 lawyers. And that’s a big deal for me. I’m really good friends with his son, Jay McGraw. And, uh, anyway, the other day, I was talkin’ to my son about self-esteem, and a few days later, I was playin’ golf with doc, and I said, doc, if you were gonna tell somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are, what would it be? He said, finish the things you start. I said, that’s brilliant. And I went home, and there was a half a bottle of scotch sittin’ on the counter. I think I know what he’s gettin’ at.
That’s not my Dr. Phil story. Here’s my Dr. Phil story. Every year, doc and his family rent a yacht for 12 days in the Mediterranean, and that’s their vacation. It’s the only way he can get away. ‘Cause he is the most famous person in America. He’s the most recognizable face, 6’4″, bald dome head, porn mustache. You can spot him from any fuckin’ where. And because he seems so approachable on television, and he really is approachable, I mean, a sweetheart of a dude, but people are always… Anytime he goes out in public, “Oh, what about this…” and that’s fine at first, but eventually, it will eat the skin off your fuckin’ bones If you can’t walk out of your house Without somebody goin’, “Hey, my brother-In-Law is all fucked up… “Come back here. Asshole!” And that’s exactly how it happens. I’ve seen it. So that’s what they do. Well, last… this summer, My wife and i went on vacation to france and monaco, And i need a break, too, sometimes. I do 140 cities a year. I do more dates than any other comic… More cities than any other comic workin’ today, ‘Cause i just love fuckin’ doin’ it, And 20 minutes from now, Nobody’s gonna give a fuck about what i have to say. While they do, i believe i’ll do a lot of shows. Hey. So we’re in france and monaco, And havin’ a great time. We’re just… I’m really in love with my wife. She’s so much fun, so talented. We have a fun life together. And we’re there, and one day, the phone rings, And it’s doc, and he goes, Aren’t you guys in monaco? And i said yeah. He goes, we’re gonna be in monaco tomorrow. Why don’t you come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah. Which is what you say if somebody says, You wanna come party on the yacht? You go, fuck, yeah. In fact, let’s try it one time. You wanna come party on the yacht? Audience: fuck, yeah! I don’t have a yacht. So i was, like, yeah, fuck, this is great. We’re excited. We were down there, stayin’ at the fairmont hotel, Overlookin’ the little yacht harbor in monaco. Very cool place. We were down there lookin’ at the yachts the day before, Goin’, wouldn’t it be cool if you knew somebody That had one of these things? You could just hop on it and fuckin’ throw the fuck down. And it’s everybody’s yacht, man. This is yacht heaven. This is steve wynn’s yacht. Prince albert of monaco’s yacht. This is that russian dude with the tiny giraffes. Anyway, they’re comin’ in at 6:30 the next evening, So the next morning, we wake up… The next afternoon, we wake up. We go have this amazing lunch, We’re drinkin’ this fuckin’ great wine From france probably. That’d be my guess. If i had to guess, And i did… Have to guess. France. And we’re just havin’ a great, great day. Sex and just a fuckin’… And then, we go down to the fuckin’ harbor That evening, 6:30, sure enough, Doc’s backin’ in a 165-Foot yacht. I’m not sure that’s how they do it. So the only way to get on the yacht Is to walk on this gangplank to get on the yacht, And I’m walkin’ on the gangplank goin’, Nobody’s stoppin’ me. We get on the yacht, and there’s our friends from california, Halfway around the world. Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? How much fun are we havin’? I’m huggin’ everybody. There’s a bunch of people on the yacht. Any time I’m huggin’ you, and I’m in a strange place, What I’m really doin’ is lookin’ over your shoulder, tryin’ to find a bar. That’s why I’m turning you. And i see the bar, And right in the dead front center of the bar Is a bottle of famous black grouse, Which is a scotch i started drinkin’ When I was in Scotland For the open championship in turnberry. And you start lookin’ at what the scots drink, And that’s what they drink. I’m, like, oh, fuck, yes. And they have a bottle of it. It’s kinda hard to find. And the bartender poured me a big old glass of whiskey, Way bigger than this one. And I’m in such a great mood, It tasted better than i ever tasted any fuckin’ scotch ever. I’m, like, oh, good lord. That tastes like butter honey Aged in lindsay lohan’s pussy. It tasted so good, i decided to skip dinner, And just have a couple more of ’em. Scare me up another one of these. How about one more? All right. I hadn’t had a drink since lunch. I was thirsty. I was goin’ at it, you know. And doc noticed i was really drinkin’ hard, And he goes, you’re really drinkin’ tonight, Ron. I said, yeah, doc, some nights, It just tastes like spring water. He goes, why don’t you just drink spring water, ron? I don’t know. I’m not a fuckin’ doctor. So this is goin’ on for fuckin’ hours. Now they really love Margo. They really love my wife Margo. Margo’s sung on dr. Phil’s show a few times, And they go everywhere to see her. And margo’s a four-And-A-Half octave Classically trained opera singer That sings rock and roll and jazz and whatever. She’s been singin’ here for years. And robin mcgraw loves to goad my wife into singin’, And my wife loves to be goaded into singin’, So they make a great little fuckin’ team. So we’re on the back of this yacht, And Robin goes, come on, margo, sing for us. And margo gets up. There’s people in the back, partyin’ on all these yachts. Bars on the pier, people out there. And margo gets up and she sings, And they love jazz in france and monaco. They have jazz clubs all over the place. And she gets up and she sings a jazz standard In full voice, Which i don’t get to hear her sing in full voice. She sings around the house, but not at full voice. When she sings in full voice, It makes me cry. Oh, no. And she finishes the first song at full voice, And people stand up on the back of all these yachts, And start cheerin’. They’re, yeah! I’m, like, how cool is this, man? They really dig jazz. I forgot how much they dig jazz. She gets up and sings another song, Fuckin’ screamin’. People are gatherin’ up around the back of the boat. By song four, there’s 400 people Behind the boat, listenin’ to her sing. You could hear a pin drop. Just like this… pin drop. And she’s just killin’ it. And i have a little secret. I am fuckin’ hammered, man. I am so drunk. I can’t even believe it my fuckin’ self, How drunk i am. I’m, like, jesus christ. I’d get a drink, And i’d take one little sip out of it, Then talk to somebody, i look back and it’s empty. Anybody else drinkin’ out of this glass? Miscalculations. Anyway, she does seven or eight songs, And she goes, okay, guys, that’s enough. And she sits down, and doc goes, Well, ron, you wanna do somethin’? Now i gotta preface this with, He’s on vacation with his best friend And head lawyer and his wife mary pat, And they’re baptists from dallas, And they’re a little fuckin’ straight. And they’re about to find out my secret. About 20 years ago, I was doin’ a bit that was so vile, That i only did it for about a week, and i just quit doin’ it. This is not the direction i wanna take my crowd For my show. I have no idea why i picked that night To dust her off and take her for a spin. The other day, i was tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower. Right before i came, my dick slipped And went straight down her tracheal tube. Here’s the moral question: Do you pull out… Or dump a load into her lungs? Yachts are pullin’ up anchor on both sides of us, As fast as they can pull ’em up. They’re leavin’ the harbor so fast, There’s a surfable wake. There’s a stampede of tiny giraffes Divin’ off the pier, Swimmin’ towards the ocean and certain death. People are pullin’ their kids off the pier. I went, i don’t think they heard me. I’m gonna do it again. Doc goes, that’s enough out of you, ron. And margo’s tappin’ me out. You ever been tapped out? Come on, baby, it’s time to go. She’s seen it. Come on, honey, let’s just go back to the hotel. It’s time for us to go. Come on, baby. Baby, let’s just go back to the hotel. Come on now, ron. And i speak fluent drunk. That means, i don’t know why you wanna leave. I’m having a perfectly good time. Turns out there was a consensus. Okay, i’ll leave. The only way to get off the ship Is to walk back off that gangplank, And at the end of the gangplank, There’s an 18-Inch drop-Off. And my wife’s in front of me, margo’s in front of me. I get to the end of the gangplank, Doc goes, big step, ron. I said, thanks, doc, Thinkin’ i’d made a big step towards something, i don’t know. He’s the big psychologist, not me. It’s amazing how much speed you can pick up In 18 inches. It’s nothin’ like falling over on the same level That you’re already on. I slammed down to that fuckin’ pier. I landed square on this elbow, Dislocated this shoulder, Put a four-Inch gash down the back of my arm, And i was so drunk, I just bounced off that pier. Fade to black. I wake up the next morning with the shoe buddies. All i can do is lay there in bed and go, Shoe buddy. I can’t move my shoulder. Shoe buddy. My shirt’s stuck to my arm with blood And giraffe hair, And whatever the fuck else you’d find on a pier. Shoe buddy. I have a wet jolly rancher in my armpit. Sour apple. Had to cut it out with a pair of scissors. You almost can’t eat ’em after that. Shoe buddy. I slowly opened my achin’ fuckin’ eyes, And there’s margo. What happened? You got really drunk last night, ron. What’d i do? Well, you did the tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower story. Did mary pat laugh? Mary pat left, is what mary pat did. Shoe buddy. You think they’re gonna invite us back over To party on the yacht today? I don’t know what’s gonna happen now, ron. I don’t know. Walks out of the room, slams the door. I just started beratin’ myself. I’m, like, why you do that, ron? Why do you get so drunk And screw things up for other people? Why can’t you drink like a regular goddamn person? Is that too much to ask? You have a wonderful son and a beautiful wife, a great career. Why don’t you make some changes in your life That will make a difference in the long run, And about then, the phone rang, and it was doc. He goes, you guys gonna come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah! Thanks for playin’ along. I’ve never performed for a better crowd In my goddamn life. Bless your hearts for listening so intently. Thank you.
