[Announcer] Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C. Are you ready? I said, are you ready? It’s time to bring the pain, give it to me for Mr. Chris Rock!
How are you? Washington! D.C., chocolate city! That’s right! Home of the Million Man March! That’s right, the Million Man March! That had all the type of black leaders there! Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson), Marion Barry … Marion Barry … at the Million Men March! How did he get the ticket? It was a day of positivity! How did he get it? Marion Barry at the Million Man March, do you know what that means? It means that even in our finest hour we had a crackhead on stage! Yes, boo all you want, but you know I’m right! How the hell did Marion Barry get his job back? He smoked crack and got his job back. How the hell did that happen? If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald’s you can’t get your job back! That’s right, they are not gonna trust you around their Happy Meals! They’ll send your ass to Hardee’s.
He smoked crack and got his job! I want to know who was so … Who ran against him that they lost? Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead? What was their campaign like? Were they, like, on heroin? “Vote for me!” “Vote for me! Don’t vote for crack, vote for smack!” Marion Barry… come on, how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high… when their mayor is on crack? “Don’t get high. You won’t be nothing.” “I could be Mayor!”
Crack is everywhere, crack everywhere … you know what they say? “Crack is destroying the black community.” “Crack is destroying the ghetto.” Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack! They say that shit like everybody had at least a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool … … then crack came by and dried it all up!
I think we always focus on the negative side of crack … Always on the negative side of crack. What about the good side of crack? What about the beauty of crack? What about the good things that crack has brought into our minds that were not there before? Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour you can get a VCR for $ 1.50! You can furnish your whole house for $10.95. Why? Because of crack!
Shit … At Christmastime, have you ever bought somebody a crack gift? They think you’ve got them something. Like “Oh, you should not have!” “I didn’t!” Bought from a crackhead!
I think they should just legalize crack. Legalize it. Do you know why I want them to legalize crack? Just so my friends’ mothers can have something to brag about. “You know, Ron has got his own crack house now! Johnny’s got his own crack house. When I drive by …: ‘That is my baby’s crack house right there’ Hey guys, jump on!
Legalize, man. All drugs should be legalized, all! Why? People want to get high. That’s right. People think about getting high right now. People are like: “Damn, how much longer is the show?” People love to get high! You could get rid of all illegal drugs in the world and it won’t mean shit. People want to get high. If you get rid of all the crack, all the heroin, all the blow, you know what will happen? People will just think of new ways to get high! That’s right, guys will go to their basement and become scientists and say, “Check this out, check this out!” “You know, if you get a baby’s bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead llama beans and then suck it. You will be fucked up!”
That’s right! Now we’ve got the war on drugs. Bullshit! The war on drugs is bullshit, it is the way to get more motherfuckers in jail, that’s all it is … yes! That’s all it is! The drug dealers don’t really sell drugs. The drug dealers … offer drugs! I’m thirty years old, ain’t nobody ever sold me drugs. Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs! You ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some fucking drugs? Hell, no! The drug dealers offer: “Hey man, you want some smoke, you want some smoke?” You say “No”, that’s it! Now, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, on the other hand … Shit!
No, man, drug dealers don’t sell drugs: drugs sell themselves. Crack is not an encyclopedia, not a fucking vacuum cleaner! You know, you don’t really gotta try to sell crack, OK? I never heard a crack dealer go, “Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?” “It’s just piled up in my house!”
That’s right, man! I don’t fuck around. I don’t do no drugs. I don’t get high at all. Probably the main reason why I don’t fuck around is my big brother. Big brother. Junkie alcoholic! But doesn’t eat pork, ’cause “pork’s not good for you!”
People are full of shit, man. People who shoot heroine, and they go: “You know, red meat can kill you!” What do you mean “red meat can kill you”? Only in America we say some bullshit like “red meat can kill you.” We’ve got too much food in America. Too much food! “Red meat can kill you”? People are starving all over the world! What do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? No, no no! Don’t eat no red meat? No. Don’t eat no green meat, ok? What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth who is lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the shit out of it!
Too much food in America! We’ve got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat. The only country in the whole world. People are starving all over the world. You’re fat some place else, people are like: “Damn, how did you do that? “That’s amazing! I gotta hang with you! “Oh, you think you are ??? fat ass?” I put on some weight, we’re gonna hang! “
Too much food in America, man! We’ve got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people aren’t allergic to shit! So do you think anybody in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?
Now we’ve got some people who don’t eat pork, what the fuck is that shit about? You don’t eat pork! You don’t eat pork! Some people don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I think it’s dumb shit—nothing against religion—but I refuse to believe that on Judgement Day my diet is going to come into question, OK? What you eat has got shit to do with who you are as a person, ok? “Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids … but I eat right!” No! That ain’t gonna help, man. No.
You see, people don’t realize that religious books were written by men. Men wrote everything. Men wrote the Bible, men wrote the Koran, men wrote the Torah, all that shit written by men. Thousands of years ago, before … you know, like, 5000 years ago, before there were the DOMOPACK, before there were refrigerators, before there were freezers, before there was seasoning, a pork chop might kill you! That’s right. One drop: “Aaaah!” Dead! But times have changed. That’s right, you see, times have changed. People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, “Damn, this pork is killing everybody!” “How can we get people to not eat pork?” “Ok! Tell them God said, don’t eat it.” And everybody said, “Okay, God said, don’t eat it.” And they stopped eating it. But times have changed. Now we’ve got refrigerators, we’ve got freezers, we’ve got some cellophane wrap, we’ve got aluminum wrap! Now a pork chop is your friend! That’s right, if you are starving, a pork chop will save your life! Shit, I eat a pig’s ass, if cooked right!
My family is from the South. You know, people from the South love some pork. No matter what you eat down South, they’ve got some pork in it! “Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?” “Pork fish!” You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet. Pig feet that’s been sitting inside an old jar, the same jar it’s been sitting in since I was 14 years old! And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid … What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss? And people actually pick out the pig feet “No, not that one, the other one …” Like there is any difference between different shitty pig feet! “No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it! ” Not that one with athlete’s pig foot!”
A lot of stuff going on this year… not everything’s racial this year. What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell! “He should run! He could win! Colin can win, he should run!” Can’t win! Colin Powell can’t win! Colin Powell’s got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics … … to being the president of the United States. Get the fuck out! White people ain’t vote for Colin Powell! They say they are, but they are not! Ok? This ??? soup his head off, make him run ???? killed for trying to run. Shit, Colin Powell! White people say they’re gonna vote for him because it seems like the right thing to say. It just seems like a cool thing to say: “Yes, I would vote for him …”
It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor. They always say “yes” … But nobody wants to be an organ donor! Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say. Shit, organ donor is for people with no faith at all! You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead? Now I have no eyes! Ain’t this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can’t see shit! “Mom, I’m back! Mom, where are my eyes? “You gave them to a little boy in Idaho? “Now I will have to kill him to get my eyes back!”
Colin Powell can’t be president! You know how I could tell Colin Powell can’t be president? Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments. Always the same compliments! “How do you feel about Colin Powell?” “He speaks so well!” “He’s so well spoken!” “He speaks so well!” “I mean, he really speaks well!” “He speaks so well!” Like that’s a compliment! “Speaks so well” is not a compliment, OK? “Speaks so well” is some shit you say about retarded people that can talk! What do you mean “He speaks well”? What, he had a stroke the other day? He’s a fucking educated man! How the fuck do you expect him to sound, dirty motherfucker? What are you talking about? “He speaks so well …” What are you talking about, “he speaks so well” What voice were you looking to come out of his mouth? What the fuck did you expect him to sound like? “I’m a-drop me a bomb today!” “I’ll be pres-o-dent!” Get the fuck outta here!
Now they’re telling that Colin Powell should run for vice president. Do it for his country. Fuck the country, shit! He ain’t gonna run with the guy he could beat. He ain’t gonna run with fucking Dole. He could beat Dole! They only act so a black man can do something that fucking stupid. Run with a guy he could beat. Get the fuck out of here! They won’t act so white guy won’t do no shit like that! They’re not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no!
Get the fuck out of here, man! Vice-President … you know what? It ain’t gonna happen! As long as you live you ain’t ever gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president is white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I say never! You will never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it! If we had a black vice president right now, I could not have waited to kill the president! Shit! Now what’s gonna happen? What’re you gonna you do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys? they’ll treat me like a hero for the rest of my life. Shit, even if they had a death penalty, what would happen? Skipped off (???) by the black president! I would be the biggest star in the history of jail! Be signing autographs, “97/KY” Here you go! Shit, if I would be in jail guys would come at me: “Yo, Chris, Chris, yo, man! I hope my kids turn out to be just like you, man! “You know, I was getting ready to rape you until I realized who you were!” Oh, they will rape you in jail, boy!
See, the whole damn country is so damn conservative. Everybody says: “Jails ain’t tough enough. Jails ain’t tough enough.” “We gotta have the death penalty. Jails ain’t tough enough.” Jails are fucked up, ok? Don’t believe the hype. The problem is … The reason jails are so crowded ’cause life is fucked up too! People are broke, people are starving, life … … Shit! Life is catching up to jail! Shit, if you live in an old project, a new jail ain’t that bad! Shit, I’ve watched on HBO they had a special on: The Jail Special. A couple of months ago. Now, normally when you see a special about jail, it’s on regular TV and there is a lot of shit they don’t show. Oh, not the HBO Jail Special! Oh, they showed it all. They interviewed a brother and ???: “Sir, when a new inmate comes in and he wants some drugs, how do you initiate him?” The guy goes, ‘Well, the first thing I do is make him toss my salad! ” The guy is like: “Toss my salad? What is that?” “Having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. “I prefer syrup!” I’m not making this up! And then the guy says, ‘Why must you go through all that, why not just oral sex? ” And he goes: “Well, when a man’s sucking your dick he can pretend that’s something else.” “When he’s licking ass, he knows it’s ass!” I tell you (???)! We don’t need the death penalty! We’ve got the toss-salad men! Shit, if I had a choice right now between the electric chair and tossing a salad … I’d be like: “So where are you plugging in? “Shouldn’t I be wet?” Everybody says: “Oh, schools are out of control, they are out of control, “We need prayer in the schools.” We do not need prayer in school! We need the toss-salad men in school! That’ll straighten the kids up! “Hey Jimmy, you’ve got a D. You know what you gotta do?” “Noooooo! Nooooo! I will not toss the salad! I will not!” “I will read! I will learn to read!”
A lot of racial shit this year … A lot of racial shit: what is the big thing? O.J. [O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder charges] O.J. was big. That’s right. Black people too happy, white people too mad. The white people like: “That is a bullshit!” I ain’t seen white people that nasty since they cancelled “M.A.S.H.”! Black people ???: “Yes, we won, we won! Yes! We won!” What the fuck did we win? Every day I look at the mailbox for my O.J. prize: nothing! Nothing! “That was all about race.” That shit wasn’t about race. That shit was about fame! If O.J. wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, … If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer. They all go: “Oh, the jury was so stupid.” Get the fuck out of here, man! “It’s so stupid, how did they …?” White people would have done exact same shit, OK? The exact same shit! Because if that was Jerry Seinfeld tried with double murder and the only person that found the bloody glove happened to be in the Nation of Islam … Jerry’d be a free man! And eating cereal right now. [Seinfeld is known for his love for cereals] Now, let’s run down the case. Who’s the guy, Ron Goldman? (Other ex-football player, who was killed along with wife of OJ Simpson) That was her boyfriend. Don’t be mistaken thinking there was some guy returning the glasses, right? When was the last time you forgot some shit at the restaurant and they brought it back to your house? Shit, I want to eat there! Shit, you could leave a newborn baby in a restaurant and they’ll put him in the coat room! Second of all, he was known to drive around town in this Ferrari that O.J. had bought for her. Think about this shit. I buy you a car and you’re gonna let another man drive around in my car? Are you out of your fucking mind?! Shit! God! You’d better recognize … Shit, I don’t even have a Ferrari, but if I saw somebody driving in my Pinto … … That shit would blow like in the Godfather! I’m not saying he should have killed her … … But I understand!
You know what else? O.J. was paying $ 25,000 a month in alimony. $ 25,000! 25! $ 4000 a month for food! For food! What the fuck was she eating for 4 grand a month? I guess she’s like: “I gotta get some extra cheese on my waffles (???)!” Yo women y’all got it good … When it’s time to get a divorce, women got it made. They go to court, start talking some shit (???): “Your Honor, I’m used to this, I’m used to that, I’m accustomed to this …” Yo, what the fuck is “accustomed”? What’s that got to do with shit? Hey, you go to a restaurant, you’re accustomed to eating. You leave, you ain’t eating no more. They don’t owe you a steak! Now, women go to court, talk that shit: “Your Honor, I’m used to this, I’m used to that, I want some money, give me some money!” And they get the money! What about what the men are used to? What about what the men are accustomed to? That might not be money. But during the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed to a few things. Now, we’d love to see a man go to court and say, “Your Honor, check this out ‘… “I’m accustomed to fucking her four times a week … “Now I think I should be able to fuck her at least twice a week! “I mean, she can have her alimony. But I want some pussy payment!” Am I wrong? (???) That’s, right, man, shit! That alimony that’s what made OJ crack! That alimony! She’s paid that big-ass alimony, he ain’t scored a touch-down in twenty years … That’s right, should have had a prenup. That’s right, a prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no! You’ve got 20 million and your wife wants 10? Big deal, you ain’t starving. But if you make 30 000 … and your wife wants 15 … … You might have to kill her! Shit! “Shit, I ain’t going to move back with my mama ’cause you ain’t in love! “You’re gonna have to die!” So you gotta think about OJ’s situation.: (He’s paying) $25,000 a month (in alimony), another man’s driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… … But I understand!
You know who I feel for ??? I feel for more than anybody else, man? ??? to O.J. and Nicole to fuck off, man. Do you know who I really feel for, who I feel for more than anybody else? Ike Turner! You know what? ‘Cause Ike was the king of the woman-beaters till OJ took his title! Now Ike says: “Hey, I could have killed Tina! “What about me? What blood’s got to do with it?” (reference to Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It”) That’s the big thing now, domestic abuse! That’s the big shit in ’96, domestic abuse!
Everybody’s doing it: OJ, Warren Moon, Billy Dee Williams … Billy Dee Williams, Billy Dee Williams beating on women! What the fuck is the world coming to? Say it isn’t so! Billy Dee Williams! What? I guess he must have had a little too much Colt 45. (A malt liquor) You know what they say, “There’s no reason to ever hit a woman.” Shit! There’s a reason to hit everybody. You just don’t do it. Shit, there’s a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don’t do it. Ain’t nobody above an ass-whooping. Ok? Anybody can give you a reason to hit him. And women know this for a fact. Women ??? women know this for a fact there ain’t nothing more crazy, nothing more out of control, nothing more likely to embarrass you in a fucking restaurant than a woman that knows you ain’t gonna hit her! When a woman is with a man she knows a 100% ain’t gonna hit her, oh! She can’t wait for him to do something wrong so she can yell at him like a little boy. “What the fuck are you gonna do? Kiss my ass! I don’t care where we are, just kiss my ass! “you punk ???, you punk ass! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!” And the man’s like, “How the fuck did we get here?” I’ll tell you how you got there. You had an argument with your woman, you went too far and that was it for you. And women know you can go too far. She’s like: “You can’t.” Yes, you can go too fucking far! I am a man, and if I’m having an argument with a man that’s bigger than me I know there is a zone I don’t go into. Ok? A zone I don’t fuck with, ok? Then women, women will go at you, they don’t give a fuck. They’ll spit on you, they hit you: “What the fuck are you gonna do? What the fuck are you gonna do?” Then she says something… they say the wrong thing, something like: “That’s why your mother’s a bitch!” And she knows she went too far! Then she braces herself for the hit like … then the hit don’t come, she’s like: “Oh, I’ve got him now! “You little dick motherfucker, kiss my ass! Little dick motherfucker! Yeah, I don’t give a fuck! “Yeah, I’ve fucked all your friends, that’s right! Yes, I did that! I tossed the salad, child!” No, I do not think it’s cool to hit women, I do not do that shit. I do not think it’s cool, I never hit a woman in my life and would never hit a woman. I do not do that shit. I would never ever hit a woman in my life, never! That ain’t cool! I would never hit a woman. No! But I would shake the shit out of a woman! “What’s wrong with you? Are you crazy, woman? “I’ll kill you, girl! What the fuck are you tossing salad for? “Are you crazy? Are you ??? shit, shut the fuck up! “Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I’ll let go when you shut up! “I’ll shake this wig off your head! “I don’t give a fuck! Shut up! Shut the fuck up! “Now I let you go … and you’re gonna sit down here, you’re gonna fucking eat your food … “We’re gonna argue when we get home, right? I want to hear no shit! “You’re gonna fucking eat your fucking food, and we’re gonna argue when we get home, ok? “Ok? Ok? I’m gonna let you go and ??? I don’t wanna hear no shit! “Problems?”
Now we’ve got a lot of things… a lot of racism going on in the world right now. Who’s more racist, black people or white people? It’s black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don’t like about black people, black people really don’t like about black people. There’s some shit going on with black people right now. It’s like a civil war is going on between black people and there’s two sides: there’s black people and there’s niggas. The niggas have got to go. Every time black people want to have a good time, ignorant niggas fuck it up! You can’t do shit! You can’t do shit without some ignorant niggas fucking it up! You can’t do nothing, you can’t keep a disco open for more than 3 weeks … Grand opening, grand closing! You can’t go to a movie the first week it comes out, why? ‘Cause niggas are shooting at the screen! What kind of ignorant shit is that? “Hey, this is a good movie, this movie’s so good I gotta bust a cap in here!” Hey, I love black people, but I hate niggas! Oh, I hate niggas! Boy, I wish they’d let me join the Ku Klux Klan! Shit, I’d do a drive-by from here to Brooklyn!
I am tired of niggas, man! You can’t have shit when you around niggas, You can’t have shit. You can’t have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope niggas think it’s a bassinet. Can’t have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, “I heard you got robbed!” Nigga, you know you robbed me. You ain’t hear shit ’cause you was doing shit!
Damn! I am tired of niggers! Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired of niggas, man. Damn, You know what’s the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want some credit for some shit they’re supposed to do. For some shit that you’re supposed to do! A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What kind of ignorant shit is that? “I ain’t never been to jail!” What do you want, a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!
Man, I am tired of this shit! And you know what is the worst thing about niggas, the worst thing about niggas? Niggas love to not know. Nothing makes a nigga happier than not knowing the answer to your question. Just ask nigga a question. Anything! “What is the capital of Zaire?” “I do not know that shit!” “Keepin’ it real!” Niggas love to keep it real! Real dumb! Niggas hate knowing! Shit! So if the niggas break into your house, you want to save your money? Put them in your books! ‘Cause niggas don’t read! Just put the money in the books! Shit, a book is like kryptonite to a nigga! “Here’s a book!” “Nooooo! Nooooo, noooo a book!”
I’m tired of this shit, man. Your kids can’t fucking play nowhere. Every year the space gets smaller. “Ok, you go from that corner to that corner. “You can go from that gate to that gate.” By the time he’s ten he’s just hopping in the circle …
I’m tired of this shit, man! Tired, tired, tired! Be-bop-bo-peek-a-boo, I hate niggers! I’m tired of this shit, man! Tired, man! Niggas are just ignorant, love being ignorant and are singing about ignorance! I heard some song the other day: “It’s the first of the month …” Niggas are singing welfare carols! “On the first day a welfare my true love gave to me” “I wish you a merry Welfare and a happy Foodstamps!” What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?
Now they’ve got some shit, they’re trying to get rid of welfare. Though every time you see welfare they always show black people. Black people don’t give a fuck about welfare. Niggaz are shaking in their boots! “Oh, they’re gonna take our shit!” Shit, a black man who’s got two jobs, goes to work every day, hates a nigga on welfare. “Nigger, get a job! I’ve got two, you can’t get one? “I’d give your lazy ass one of mines, but you’ll get fucked up, and get laid off, “And they wouldn’t hire another nigger for ten years!” Shit! A black woman, they’ve got two kids, going to work every day, busting her ass, hates a bitch with nine kids getting a welfare! “Hey bitch, stop fucking! Stop fucking! Stop it! “Put the dick down! “Put it down, get a job! Yes, you can get a job, “Get a job holding dicks. Whatever you do, get paid to do it!”
I’m tired of this shit, man. Tired, tired, tired! It ain’t all black people on welfare, shit. White people are on welfare too. But we can’t give a fuck about this. We’ve just got to do our own thing. You can’t go, “Oh, they’re fucked up? We could be fucked up!” That’s ignorant! White people don’t ????. First of all, they’re trying to make it look like… there ain’t even that many black people in the country, ok? Black people are 10% of the fucking population, Black people are in New York, DC, LA, Chicago, Atlanta … like, ten places, ok? Ok? Ten places … there ain’t no black people in Minnesota! All you find… the only black people in Minnesota are Prince and Kirby Puckett, ok? Shit, the whole rest of the country, the other 40 states, is filled up with broke-ass white people! Broke-ass, living in a trailer home, eating mayonnaise sandwiches, fucking their sister, listening to John Cougar Mellancamp records!
Shit, get the fuck out of here, man! “And they need your help!” No, man! Now I see some black people looking at me, “Man … “… Why you gotta say that? “Why you gotta say that? It ain’t us, it’s the media. It ain’t us, it’s the media. “The media has distorted our image to make us look bad. “Why must you come down on the likes of us like that, brother? It ain’t us, it’s the media! ” Please, cut the fucking shit, ok? Ok? Ok? When I go to the money machine at night, right? I ain’t looking over my back for the media, I’m looking for niggas! Shit, Ted Koppel ain’t never took shit from me! Niggas have! So do you think I’ve got three guns in the house because of the media outside? Oh shit, Mike Wallace! Run!
Get the fuck out of here, man! I’m tired of this shit. Tired, tired, tired of this shit! I do not know, I need to go back to school. That’s what I’m gonna do. Oh I need to go to school. But you know, if you’re black, you get more respect coming out of jail than school. You get no respect coming out of school. You come out of jail you’re the fucking man! “Whatsup, nigga” You come out of school nobody gives a fuck. “Hey man, I got out of school, I got my master’s!” “So what, bitch? “You punk-ass bitch! Don’t come round with all that reading and shit! “Do not come round with all that counting, shit, I can count too: 1, 2, 4, 5, so what? “I’m counting these rocks, biatch!” You can have a master’s degree, niggas don’t care. “Hey man, I’ve got my master’s!” “What, you’re my master now?” “I should ??? listen to your punk ass? Fuck you, nigger! “Fuck you. So what you’ve got a master’s degree!? So what you’ve got a motherfucking master’s degree? “Oh, you’re the smarty ass nigga, huh? You’re the smarty ass nigga! “Let me ask you this, let me ask you this: “Can you kick my ass?” Oh, niggas worth nothing.
I dropped out of school. Dropped out. I’m sorry. Got myself a G.E.D. You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma. You know, G.E.D. is bullshit. So let me get this straight, I can make four years in six hours. You know, as soon as you get your GED, someone’s always got the nerve to go: “Now you can go to college!” Slow down! I think it’s obvious high school is busting my ass. You can’t go to no college with no GED! All you can go to with a GED is a community college. You know why are they called community colleges? Cause anybody in a community can go, “crackheads, prostitutes, drug dealers, come on in!” Community college is like a disco with books. “Here’s ten dollars, let me get my learn on!”
So I went to community college, and I said ??? : “Let me take some shit I know.” So I took a Black history class. I’ve got to know this, I’m black, right? I get a B just for showing up, right? Wrong! Failed. Ain’t that some sad shit? A black man failing black history… that’s sad…. ‘Cause, you know, fat people don’t fail cooking! “That’s paprika!” Failed Black history. Why? ‘Cause I didn’t know shit about Africa! Cause you know, you go to white schools, you learn Europe up the ass. Never learn shit about… I still don’t know shit about Africa. The only thing I know about Africa it’s far. Africa is far, far away. Africa’s like a 35-hour flight. So you know that boat ride was really long! The boat ride is so long there are still slaves on their way here!
I didn’t know nothing at school. All I knew was Martin Luther King. That’s what they would teach you at school about blacks: Martin Luther King! That was my answer to everything, “Martin Luther King!” “What is the capital of Zaire?” “Martin Luther King!” “Can you tell us the name of the woman that would not leave her seat on the bus?” “Oh, that’s hard … “Are you sure it was a woman? “Oh, I’ve got it! Martina Luther King!”
You know what is sad, man? Martin Luther King stood for non-violence. Now what’s Martin Luther King? A street! And I don’t give a fuck where you are in America, if you’re on a Martin Luther King Boulevard, there is some violence going down! It ain’t the safest place to be. You can’t call nobody telling them you’re lost on MLK … “I’m lost, I’m on the Martin Luther King …” “Run! Run! Run!” “The media’s there!” Sad, sad, sad!
Now, a lot of women are here tonight. That’s good. I like women. My mother is a woman and that helps. You know a cool thing about women? Women get to have platonic friends. “He’s my pal, he’s my bud … “He is my platonic friend, I love him like a brother! “He’s my bud, my platonic friend!” Men don’t have platonic friends, ok? We just have women we haven’t fucked yet! “As soon as I’m figuring this out, I’m in there!” We’ve got some platonic friends, we all do, I’ve got some but they’re all by accident! Every platonic friend I’ve got is some woman I was trying to fuck … … I made a wrong turn somewhere … … And ended up in the Friend Zone! “Oh, no, I am in the Friend Zone!”
Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Because you never know … That’s right, they get rid of their girlfriends every 6 months! “What happened to Pam?” “She thinks she’s cute.” But they keep the platonic friends forever, why? ‘Cause you never know … “What happened to Carol?” “I can’t hang with her!” But they keep the platonic friends forever, why? ‘Cause you never know … Do you know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It’s like a dick in a glass case. “In case of emergency break open glass.” Fellas, if your woman’s got platonic friends that’s who she’ll be fucking when you mess up! One of them guys wouldn’t even be thinking about it, boy. She’ll be crying on his shoulder: “I can’t believe this happened, I am so glad you’re here …” That’s right! It’s gonna happen to you! You know the next man who’ll fuck your woman. You’ve met him, he’s been at your house, he ate your food, he drank your wine! And he shall betray you!
One thing I learned about women: Guys, never ask a woman how many men she slept with! ‘Cause you don’t want to know. Just be happy you’re fucking her now. Why do you want to know? You ain’t discovering shit! You ain’t putting a flag nowhere. Just be happy you’re …. her now. Why, why do you want to know? Why, why do you want to know? First of all, no matter what she’s saying, it is too much for you. No matter what she says. She can go: “Two.” And you’re like: “Two?!” “Two? Two?! No, no, no! Two? Two?! “I guess that’s how you were raised …” Women are liars. ??? cause she’s gonna lie. Women will lie about how many guys she fucked in court! They don’t care. “Yes, I swear” “uh, uh …” Yes! If she says three, that’s ten! ‘Cause you’ve got to give every woman like a 7-dick curve. That’s more like 3 dicks in the 8th power! And women, you all think you are slick, no you ain’t slick … I know the game, I’ve watched them folks. ???? If you ask a woman how many guys she fucked, she’s not gonna tell you how many guys she fucked. She’ll tell you how many boyfriends she had. ‘Cause women only count their boyfriends. That’s right, they don’t count all those miscellaneous dicks they had. That guy they met at the club … The guy they fucked in the club that night, or that time they fucked Bobby Brown! The guy they fucked in Jamaica: “That’s another country, it doesn’t count!” “I thought we were just talking about domestic dicks!”
Women got it good. Good, good, good, good, good. I don’t know. I feel sorry for them sexually sometimes. Because men we only have one responsibility: knock it out, that’s it. Be good in bed – that’s your only responsibility. Women, you know, they can be good, but sometimes they’re trying not to be too good, you know what I mean? Sometimes women have to ration out their pussy, you know? So they want a man to think he’s got a good woman, but do not want him to think he’s got a ???. And so they’ve got to ration out their pussy. “Ok, I’m gonna fuck him now, but I won’t suck his dick for two weeks.” “All right, I’m gonna suck his dick now, but I won’t lick his balls till next month.” “All right, I’m gonna lick his balls now, but I won’t lick his ass till next year!”
Men, we’ve got to use all our tricks right away, whatever we’ve got, just give it….. whatever. We can hold nothing back. We don’t know if there’s gonna be a return engagement. So we’ve to to go for it ????.
I just don’t know … I’ve just had ??? another phase in my life, at another point in my life, you know. It’s time to settle down, time to settle down. That’s what time it is, time to settle down. Women are always ready to settle down. Shit, woman goes to four good dates, she’s like, “Why we bullshit? ??? “What are you waiting for?” Men are never ready to settle down. Men don’t settle down. We surrender! “All right, all right, I’ll marry you, that’s right! ??? “All right, dammit! Ok. Just tell me the day before and I’ll be there, ok?” No offense, but you’ve got… every man’s got… especially man, you’ve got to settle down. Do you know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Any club you go into, there’s always one old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club. You do not want to be that brother. So you’ve got to settle down. So I get to a point in life where you’ve got to figure out what is important to you. On the one hand you’ve got commitment. You and your woman together. Living, sharing, loving, growing. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. And you know that. But before you can settle down, you’ve got to get over this other shit … That’s right, ’cause every man’s got a choice to make. Every single man in here has got a choice to make. And you know what that choice is. Commitment … … Or new pussy! That is the question! Commitment … or new pussy! You know, commitment may give you a headache every now and then … … new pussy always clears your mind!
But you’ve got to think about life in the long term. Now, people tell you life is short. No, it is not. Life is long. Especially if you make the wrong decisions! And in the long term … … If I’m sick, is new pussy going to take care of me? No! If I’m hungry, is new pussy going to feed me? New pussy can’t cook! If I’ve got a baby, is new pussy going to teach him how to read? New pussy is illiterate! So I’ve got to come back to commitment. And turn this old pussy into new pussy! That’s right, I’ve got to recycle the pussy! I’ve got to recycle the pussy! Because that’s what a relationship is all about: recycling, keeping it new. If it ain’t new, it’s through!
But fellas, if you decide to commit, you’ve got to commit. You’ve got to commit. Can’t cheat. Wanna cheat? Can’t cheat! Dying to cheat? Can’t cheat! ??? Can’t wait to cheat? Can’t cheat! Shit, some guys have got to go to rehab not to cheat! It is hard not to cheat. Women don’t want to hear that shit, it’s hard not to cheat! Do you know why it is hard not to cheat? ‘Cause women like men that are in relationship. Guys know what I’m talking about. When you were single, nobody was thinking about your ugly ass. But then your woman got a hold of you, she cut your hair, washed you down, gave you a Life Saver, wiped out the crusts around your eyes … … Now everybody wants to fuck you! When you were single, nobody was calling your ass up! Now your phone’s ringing off the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls, like: “Hey, what are you doing? You know, me and my girlfriend are having a dick-sucking contest” “And we thought you’d be a good judge.” You never got that call when you were single. Now you get it every Tuesday!
But you can’t cheat! Can’t cheat! And you know why? ‘Cause you’re gonna get caught! You’re gonna get… I don’t care who you are, you’re 007 you’re gonna get caught! You are gonna get caught. And you don’t want to get caught. Well, I’d rather get caught stealing some shit from the government than to get caught cheating on a woman. ‘Cause I got caught out there ????. Five years ago. I remember like it was yesterday. The woman found two condoms in my pocket … … but it was a pack of three! And all I heard was: “Where’s the other condom? “Where’s the other condom? Where the fuck is the other condom? Where is the condom?”
Yo, women are just like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they want the confession! “I know you did it, just admit it. “I know you did it, just admit it. “I know you did it, I’ve got it all filmed! “I know you did it, just admit it. “I found a blond hair. You was fucking a cracker-ass cracker ???, was you? “I know you did it, just admit it. “Can you be a man? Can you be a fucking man? “??? I wasn’t good? Did she toss your salad? “I know you did, just admit it.” And if that don’t work, the woman will get psychological on your ass ???. They’ll try to trick you into confessing. Then they start going, “It’ll be all right if you just say you did it. “It’ll be all right if you just say you did it. “Honey, it’ll be all right if you just say you did it.” And you hear that shit 900 times, you start losing your mind. You start thinking: “I guess it’ll be all right … “… If I just say I did it! “Honey, I did it, it’s all right?” “No, it ain’t ??? ! I can’t believe you did that!” “But I thought you said you knew it.” “I didn’t know till you told me!”
And time goes by … and she forgives you! But she never forgets! And you’re driving to your grandmother’s house and say, “Oh, babe, I’ll make a right turn right here.” “Did you make a right with that bitch? “From now on, no matter where we are going, it’s all left turns, do you understand?”
And you know what the craziest shit is? You cheated on your wife. She shouldn’t be trusting you no more. But she does. Eventually she does. But you know what happens now? Now you don’t trust her! You cheated on her, and now you don’t trust her. What kind of ignorant shit is that? You know what happened? You have just fucked around your woman. You know what happens when you fuck around your woman? You just gave her a get-some-dick free card! And you never know when she’s going to cash it in! You might get to the point she found that you were cheating, she wants to break up. If she wants to break up, run! You got off lucky! But you ain’t gonna get that lucky, no, no, no! As soon as you get to the door she’s like, “No, no! “Let’s work it out!” You know what “work it out” means? Payback! You know what the first part of payback is? You ain’t getting no pussy for a long time! Boy, you ain’t gonna get no pussy until the Bills win the Super Bowl!
And she’s gonna make sure you are getting no new pussy either, because she’ll give you a beeper, a cellular phone, a car phone, ??? anklet like a prisoner … … And every time you leave the house you’ll have to check in: “I’m outside. I’m on the court. I’m in the car. I’m on the road. I’m at the supermarket. “I bought a packet of fries ???. I am coming home. I got some butter. I’m on my way. I run a red light. The cops are chasing me. “They’re chasing me. They are chasing me. I run out of the car. “They shot me in the leg. I’m hopping. I’m hopping. I’m almost home. I’m almost home. I’m in the driveway. “I’m right next to you. I LOVE YOU!”
Thanks! Thank you! Thanks!