[announcer] You seen him on Pimpin’ Pimpin’. You seen him in American Hustle. You seen him in Friday After Next. He is single-handedly shutting the Internet down. Give it up for the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams!
[“Bad and Boujee” playing on speakers]
♪ Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbox ♪
♪ Cookie ♪
♪ Fuckin’ on your bitch she a thot, thot Cookin’ up dope in the Crock-Pot ♪
♪ We came from nothin’ to somethin’, n i g g a I don’t trust nobody, grip the trigger ♪
♪ Call up the gang, they come and get you Cry me a river, give you a tissue ♪
♪ My bitch is bad and boujee Cookin’ up dope with a Uzi ♪
♪ My n i g g a s is savage, ruthless We got 30’s and 100 rounds, too ♪
♪ My bitch is bad and boujee Cookin’ up dope with a Uzi ♪
♪ My n i g g a s is savage, ruthless We got 30’s and 100 rounds, too ♪
♪ Offset, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Rackings on rackings Got back ends on back ends– ♪
[music stops, then audience cheers]
Oh, man. I gotta honestly say, I have done seven, eight specials. Nothing is messing with Jacksonville at all. Let me say that. Off top. Lit. We did not– They don’t know. We better let them know. This the most famous county in the world. [audience cheering] People know the county and don’t even know the city. You hear it from out of nowhere. I’m gonna let somebody from here say it. [audience shouting] It speaks for itself. Good old Jacksonville. Y’all did not disappoint, thank y’all so much. Two sold-out shows in J-Town right here. So beautiful. Your weather sold out. Y’all don’t know it. If you don’t travel, you don’t know, this Jacksonville sun… [audience laughing] This is its own sun. It don’t follow no sun rules. You come to Jacksonville, you used to heat. You look at the heat, you’re not even scared. You like, “What, 89? Ain’t nobody give a fuck about no 89.” You mean Jacksonville 89. That’s slave heat. You be like, “I wouldn’t have been able to run away today. They’d have had to beat the shit out of me today.”
Love Jacksonville. Y’all got everything. Even your shit that ain’t the top is still the top. The Jacksonville Jaguars is doing they shit. [audience cheering] That’s right. Fuck all them stats. [audience laughing] Fuck all them stats and accolades. Jacksonville Jaguars know two things for a fact: They know they weather is better than yours… and they know they uniforms look better than yours. Them n i g g a s be modeling on the sidelines.
Love it here. You come to Jacksonville, you ain’t ready for it. I don’t care where you from, you not ready for this. If you love water, you could overdose in this motherfucker. Jacksonville got water, water, water, and water. They got a creek, lakes, rivers. The river go the wrong way, it– If you not from here, you not– You gotta be specific when you talk to your Uber driver. You can’t say nothing like, “I’m by the bridge.” [audience laughing] There’s 1,700 bridges in this bitch. “You mean the black bridge, the yellow bridge, the blue bridge that’s part Transformer that go up and down?” They don’t tell you that till you’re high on the balcony. “I think I saw the bridge move.”
Beautiful shit. The military’s in the house. Where the military at? Make some noise for the military. Yeah. In the right parts of Jacksonville, you could feel safe. But they need to tell people that ain’t from here that there might be military helicopters flying past your balcony, or it will fuck up your whole blunt experience. I’m not speaking from knowledge. I’m just saying if you was… standing out there with a blunt and see two military helicopters, that’s the first time you swallow your whole blunt, lit and all. You: [grunting] N i g g a, that was the real military. Where the fuck is we at?
In Jacksonville, you’ll see shit you don’t see nowhere else. Generally, you’d just go somewhere and look on the map and pick places out. Not– Mm-mm. You need a tour guide in Jacksonville from Jacksonville to tell you where you can and cannot go. You don’t just wanna be driving around, looking around. You’ll see some shit that’ll scare you as a n i g g a. “Confederate Park? What? [audience laughing] What the fuck am I doing by Confederate Park?” Most cities got one ‘hood. [audience laughing] See how the audience laughed at that? Most motherfucking cities got one ‘hood. The whole map is free. They tell you don’t go here. Not in Jacksonville. They got spots all around the map you should look out for. All the ‘hoods sound like… dangerous sitcoms. “Tonight, on another episode of Washington Heights.” Something going down on Washington Heights, I’m sure of that. If I know any of the ‘hoods in America, I know. “Stay tuned for another edition of Cleveland Arms.” [audience laughing] It’s got “arms” in the title. I know that’s dangerous. Eureka Gardens. [audience laughing] Eureka means “Surprise! Maybe you shouldn’t be here.” If you looking for gardens…
Jacksonville do it big. It ain’t just ‘hoods, they got certain streets. If you even type it in your phone… your phone will not let you make it there. If you type in “Moncrief”… [audience cheering] your phone say, “Relocating.” [audience laughing] What? [chuckles]
Just beautiful shit. Shit you only gonna have in Jacksonville. Jacksonville is the biggest motherfucker city out there. Every ten blocks is another motherfucking neighborhood. If you comfortable, don’t be comfortable too long. Enjoy yourself. Most places, when you go to the gas station, the only thing you gotta look at is the price of the gas. Not in Jacksonville. You gotta look at some other shit than the price of gas. You have to look at all the surroundings of the gas station. You ever decided you didn’t need gas as bad as you thought you did? [audience laughing] You ever gotten back in your car to not get the gas? “Oh, I don’t need this gas. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I can make it almost home if I keep on going. I’ll get a little closer to somewhere–” There’s 32 motherfuckers out there. They selling pit-bull puppies and frying fish. Mm-mm. I’m not gonna do all that for some gas, I’m not.
Love Jacksonville. Jacksonville, they got shit at all ends. If you wanna shop, they got great shopping. They got great shopping, and then they got ‘hood shopping. [audience laughing] If you looking for the great shopping, you listen for the white-sounding official name. “Town center.” [audience cheering] That sounds official. “Town center.” We built this mall, then we built the rest of the town. The black mall sound like a club. “Going down to The Regency.” They got two-for-one drinks at The Regency. Who don’t wanna go there? Free before 11.
One thing I like about Jacksonville is, no matter where you eat, all the food is good than a motherfucker. Y’all know how to eat in Jacksonville, everything. We had 12 things, everything was good. Go to Jacksonville Beach, they got white people making Caribbean food and shit. “Y’all ain’t got no Jamaicans back there? Who the fuck is jerking this chicken?” Let me find out a white woman is jerking this chicken like that. Most places you go, if you hear a crazy name, you can’t eat there. But here in motherfucking Jacksonville, if they tell you it’s good, it’s good. That motherfucking Soul Food Bistro. [audience cheering] I don’t even know if them n i g g a s know what “bistro” means, but it’s good as shit. Food so good, you be looking for a slave in the back like, “Who is making–? Show me somebody look like a slave back there. Who is putting they foot in this corn bread?”
The real reason we love coming here is because when we come here we get a real taste of what the fuck America is. We get everybody in the same building at the same time at the same place in Jacksonville at the beautiful Florida Theatre. Y’all won’t believe who we got here. Where’s all the Hispanic people in the building? Make some noise. Hispanic people, is y’all in here? -[speaks in Spanish] -[audience cheering] Thank y’all for hanging out. Where’s the Filipinos in the building? Make some noise. Filipinos? Thank all 80 y’all for spreading around. Y’all didn’t even sit together. That was good as Filipinos, y’all spread out. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise, white people. [audience cheering] Look at white people sounding strong. [woman screams] Y’all still hanging with minorities in this administration. We appreciate that, white people. We know some of y’all had to sneak here on the Mayport Ferry. Black people, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. We can all feel safe tonight. [audience laughing] It’s beautiful. Beautiful. We got young people in the house. Where’s everybody 25 and under? Young people, where y’all at? Thank y’all so much for coming, we appreciate that, young people. Where’s all the rest of us? Where’s 25 and older? Make some noise.
Okay, y’all grown in the motherfucker. I get it, y’all grown. If we could tell young people anything, we’d tell you: enjoy your motherfucking youth while you got it. Whatever the fuck you’re trying to do in your dreams and shit, do it right the fuck now… while your body is still with you. ‘Cause the rest of us will tell you this getting-old shit is for the birds. That shit do not let off. Once it’s on your ass, that’s it. Your ass fitting to get old right now. It’s fucked up. Fucked up. We didn’t know it was gonna be like this. I used to laugh at my grandfather making all that noise getting out the bed. He: [grunting] I’m there judging this shit. “Look at this lazy-ass n i g g a. He know there ain’t nothing wrong with him at 6:30 in the goddamn morning.” Now we’re getting older, we see. This shit is for the birds. Your mind is still young, but your body has checked the fuck out. Ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn’t listen? You was like, “It’s time to get out of bed now. [audience laughing] I’m gonna get out of bed now. I’m gonna lay here ten more minutes and get my shit together.” Your body has given the fuck up.
You start getting older, you gotta change shit. I used to be able to watch TV all night long. Not no more. Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep. ‘Cause these motherfucking commercials is too scary and too not specific. You scared and don’t even know what the fuck you scared of. I’m not the only person here who think he might maybe could possibly have mesothelioma. [audience laughing] Don’t none of us know what the fuck it is. They just keep scaring us with it. “You might have it. You might have it. It’s worth some money.” Every time I cough, I think I done caught it. [coughing] Now, I’ve fucked around and caught mesothelioma. I drank that miso soup that one time. I think that’s where it come from, I’m not sure. It’s fucked up.
You start getting old, and shit change. You gotta deal with it. When you young, the only way you can hurt yourself is if you in an accident. You start getting older, you can fuck yourself up not doing a goddamn thing. You young, you had to hurt yourself to be in an accident. You get older, you see your friend, he got a cast on all his ribs and shit. “Goddamn, n i g g a, did you get in a car accident?” “No, I fucked around and… yawned too fast and caught– [audience laughing] I caught my body off guard. I wasn’t stretching or nothing like that, like I should. I just, out of nowhere, yawned. [buzzing] Ripped all of that up right there.”
It’s fucked up. It’s what starts happening when you start getting older. You start getting older, shit that wasn’t a problem is a problem. When you was younger, if you was 5 pounds overweight, all you needed to do was take one good shit. [audience laughing] You was back at your original weight. “I knew I ate a little bit too much two days ago. I knew that.” You start getting older, if you let 10 pounds get on you, that bitch is there to stay. You like, “When the fuck is this leaving?” It ain’t never leaving, you have to keep on working.
I saw some shit that fucked me up, though. Sometimes, you got so many channels, you be going through and you just stop on something to see what it is, and it’s running on a marathon, and before you know it, you done watched 88 episodes. This show fucked me up. They got a show called My 600-lb– [audience shouting indistinctly] When you was younger, if you saw something fucked up, you just had nightmares. This is worse. I ain’t never seen no shit like this. Not 600 pounds. Legs everywhere, bumps on them and shit. Ah! Motherfucker do nothing but talk, shit, and eat. “Where’s my breakfast?” He is pimping this bitch. She’s frying eggs and– “I’m coming.” She like the drug dealer. They go, “I don’t know how he get this big.” Yes, you do, bitch! This motherfucker can’t even get out of the bed. Your ass making him 12 square meals a day. What the fuck? Watching that shit, I can’t even eat in bed no more. It’s fucked up.
You start getting older, shit changes. When you younger, you don’t go to the hospital for nothing. Whatever it is, it’s gonna heal itself. When you start getting older, you know Jesus is at the hospital. You need to check in with Jesus. Catch him on the mainline IV. I think it’s got something in it, you gonna love it.
It’s fucked up. My last young day was last Christmas. Played basketball in somebody’s backyard, got fouled, ran into a wall, damn near killed myself. And I thought I had saved myself ’cause I saved my face… with my arm. I saved my face with my arm. But when my arm hit the ground, it sounded like Transformers. It said: [mimicking mechanical sounds] And my brain said, “Get the fuck up off the ground, n i g g a.” My arm said, “If you get us up off the ground, you gonna have to put us in your pocket n i g g a, ’cause we are done.” I got right up off the ground and went right to the hospital. White people, I know that don’t sound amazing. You get hurt, you supposed to go to the hospital. As a n i g g a, if you get up off the ground and go directly to the hospital, that means you thought you was fitting to die that day. I’m in the hospital, looking at the doctor, holding my arm like a baby. I said, “I don’t know what you fitting to do… but every time I blink, it feels like somebody’s tearing my arm out the socket.” He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll put you on some medication.” I said, “With all due respect, I’ve been smoking the best weed in the country, and medication is not gonna get it.” He said, “You do your job, let me do my job.” He wrote me out two prescriptions. One for tramadol, and one for Percocet. Now, I don’t know if y’all done had them separately, but if you take them bitches together, it’ll make you a superhero in this bitch. You walking around, looking for small crimes. Saying shit no n i g g a has ever said before. “Shoot me right in the chest. I ain’t even gonna feel it. I can’t feel shit.”
You have to be careful. Your doctor’s give you all that strong-ass motherfucking medication, they don’t tell you what the fuck it’s gonna do… when they all get together. You gonna believe that ass Tiger Woods. Tiger was in the police department, looking like a baby giraffe and shit. [audience laughing] One, two, three, four, five, six. Strong-ass medication. Gotta be careful out there, it’s a new world. Myself? I ain’t getting in no more motherfucking trouble for shit. I know what administration this is. I ain’t doing shit. I done join the Boy Scouts, the Jehovah Witness, the Amish.
It’s fucked up. I saw that Philando Castile motherfucking video. That changed my motherfucking life. Fuck out of here. That is not supposed to motherfucking happen. That n i g g a wasn’t even driving. Had his seat belt on and everything. You shot him with his baby right there. Get the fuck out of here. I got some new shit, though. I’m fitting to buy me a self-driving car. [audience laughing] I’m gonna be in the back seat. You pull me over, “I don’t know what to tell you. Talk to the driver. [audience cheering] Mm-mm. Talk to the driver, officer, I’m sorry. I’m here in the back seat, reading the Bible. I’m naked with a little pit-bull puppy. He’s in his seat belt.”
Just saying. ‘Cause it’s a new world out there. This new election changed everything. Everything has changed. And don’t worry, white people, we not gonna talk politics. We not gonna say who voted for who. [audience laughing] We’re not gonna get into that. We learned white people know how to keep a secret. Y’all didn’t tell us shit this election. Not nothing. We didn’t know white people was up to something until they started showing white people in line voting. And all the white people looked like they had a secret to keep this year. [audience laughing] I think white people is up to something. I can’t wait to see what 2018 gonna be. 2017 is already a doozy. We– We used to seeing people be wrong. We ain’t never seen nobody be this wrong. CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong. CNN was talking big shit before the election. They had the map up, had all the states highlighted and shit. They was talking big shit. “There’s no way that Trump can win this unless he wins here, here, here, and here.” The moment they came back from commercial, they was sweating and crying and shit. [audience laughing] They was bringing all the neighborhoods up separately. “Where’s the n i g g a’s vote at?”
White people done took over now. Shit that used to be black ain’t black no more. First thing white people took over was rioting. Yes. Riots used to be some black shit. We’d get so mad, we riot! White people done took it over. Let me just say in front of all these minorities, y’all are terrible at it, white people. We taught y’all better than this. Y’all had a million white people out there, y’all didn’t do no damage at all. Y’all out there obeying the crosswalks, and passing out orange slices. Walking in single-file lines, and– White people, we taught y’all better than this. If it’s a riot, you gotta be willing to fuck some shit up. Y’all can’t fuck the shit up ’cause y’all own the shit, so y’all out there fucking it up and cleaning it up at the same time. Not a riot, white people. White people just out there shaking they signs hard and shit. [audience laughing] “What you doing, using the Shake Weight?” “I’m rioting, goddamn it, I’m rioting.”
It’s just a new change, it’s a new era. They say you don’t miss what you got till it’s gone. And Barack Obama is gone, children. Oh, I miss that n i g g a. [Katt groans] That n i g g a ain’t never coming back. Every time you see this n i g g a, he doing more white activities. He out there parasailing and shit, swimming with the sharks and Michael Phelps, riding horses bareback. Barack Obama, get back here. N i g g a, we need you. You ain’t never heard of overtime, n i g g a? Shit. Just give us four, five months to get on our feet right now. It’s crazy. They don’t wanna give Barack Obama no credit for nothing. Everything he did, they’re trying to tear it apart. If Barack Obama said, “Spit on the street,” they’ll say the opposite. Won’t give that n i g g a no credit for nothing. That n i g g a did a great job while he was the commander in chief of these United States. He know what he did. We gonna miss him. We gonna miss him. And who was with him every step of the way? Michelle Obama. Showing the world what a real black stallion look like in real life. -[neighing] -[audience cheering] Showing that ass money can’t buy. That’s collard greens and corn bread and a PhD. Whole family did a good job. Sasha and Malia did a good job. They wasn’t ever pregnant, or kicked out of school, or none of that shit. Even their little nappy-headed dog did a good job. He wasn’t ever shitting in the front yard of the White House, getting caught on TMZ.
We gotta understand that time is over. Black people, we already had our time. We already had the first black president. Now it’s time for the first Flamin’ Hot Cheeto president. So, little orange boys and girls know that they, too, can make it. If your hair’s fucked up, this is your president. I can do what I want with this hair. I can do anything. That’s why I look like a civil-rights leader, ’cause that’s what I need to be looking like to the police.
Fucked up. But it’s new shit now. Trump is in there, and Trump didn’t wait. We didn’t have to worry what the fuck Trump was fitting to do. Trump got on that shit immediately. Day one, Trump was on his shit. He announced his motherfucking cabinet. It was Hitler, Satan, Darth Vader. Goddamn, Trump. What the fuck is you fitting to do? [audience laughing] He showed up with Stormtroopers and shit. [humming] Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump don’t follow nobody’s rules. The president supposed to be at the White House. Our president is wherever the fuck he wanna be. He in New York, he in the South, playing golf. Our president don’t give a fuck. They used to say, “Will your president be awake at 3:00 in the morning to answer the phone if it rings?” Shit, yeah, our president is up. Our president is a vampire. That motherfucker sent 23 tweets at 12:30, what the fuck is you talking about? That motherfucker is on it. [audience laughing]
We done already seen what America could be like… if they had a nice, sensible president. Now, we’re fitting to see what America is like with a motherfucking bully in that bitch. Trump don’t give a fuck. The president’s supposed to think of something, then talk with the Senate and Congress, pass a bill, and then do it. Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump sent off 50 missiles to Syria while he was in his bathroom with an Xbox One controller. [audience laughing] “See what they say when they see that shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. That motherfucker is on it, whatever the fuck it is. Barack Obama was in office eight years, he did eight things. Eight years in office, he did eight things. Trump’s been in office 100 days. He’s done 100 fucked-up things. He wakes up and signs another fucked-up piece of paper. “Wait till they see this when they wake the fuck up.”
Trump do not sleep. He don’t play by no rules. He don’t care what the rules is, he do not play them. He did a speech for Black History Month. He don’t even know which n i g g a s is which. [audience laughing] He thought Ben Carson was Frederick Douglass. You don’t believe me. He looked at Ben Carson and said: “Frederick Douglass has been doing a great job. He’s been getting more and more recognition every day.” He looked at Omarosa and said, “And Harriet Tubman has been doing a great job out in the community as well.”
It’s fucked up. It’s getting dangerous out there. As black people, minorities, we’re used to just being able to watch the news a little bit and then walk off. Not with Trump. N i g g a s is watching the news like it’s the playoffs. [audience laughing] “They say anything about n i g g a s yet? We got one more day then. One more day.” Hispanic people, since y’all in here, I’m gonna let y’all know. Black people is y’alls friends. If they come after y’all, they got to come after us. And I can say that because we know… if they start coming after y’all… [audience laughing] we next anyway. Don’t worry, Hispanic people. We will open up that Underground Railroad so quick. We got the blueprints. Black people, we got enough problems in America. We don’t need no more problems. Once they start coming for Hispanics, there’ll be a bunch of light-skin n i g g a s stuck at the border. N i g g a s gonna say, “I’m not supposed to be here! I don’t even speak Spanish.”
Trump in office, we don’t know what the fuck may happen next. We thought he was gonna be at war right away. We was like, “We can’t figure out who gonna catch it first. Is it gonna be Russia? Is it gonna be China? Syria? Iran? Iraq? North Korea? Who the fuck is fitting to get it?” We find out, public enemy number one is Kathy Griffin. Kathy Griffin? Ain’t that a bitch? Get the fuck out of here. I thought for sure Trump was gonna have a sense of motherfucking humor. What the fuck? You the president now, you can’t take a joke, motherfucker? You announced your presidency on Comedy Central, motherfucker, after a roast.
It’s fucked up. I tried to tell people on the last tour. It was called Conspiracy Theory. I tried to tell people what the fuck was fitting to happen. And it done fucked around and happened. We said Trump had a chance because he was exciting, and America loves excitement. And Trump’s been saying exciting shit the whole time. He say shit you ain’t never heard nobody say ever. Trump said, “We are gonna build a wall, and… we gonna make Mexico pay for it.” Black people all over the world went, “Mexico? [audience laughing] What type of Mexicans does he know? He must not know no eses , or no vatos. You ain’t gonna make them n i g g a s do shit.” But why the fuck is we talking about building a wall? The Mexican people have shown us they are professional at building a tunnel on your motherfucking ass. They broke El Chapo out while they was looking at him. We went through that. That’s how he got here. They showed that tunnel. That tunnel was as big as this stage. Had hardwood floors, linoleum, Berber carpeting, central air conditioning, vending machines. They picked him up in a golf cart and took him to a burro. [audience laughing]
I don’t know why Trump was talking about immigration in the first place. His motherfucking bitch ain’t from here. She’s from somewhere else. She’s from Cashnadastan. White people don’t look like that. Y’all need to check on that woman. Every time you look at her, she looks like a hostage in an interview. [audience laughing] “Someone please help me. I am not supposed to be here. This is not what I signed up for.”
Right then, I said, “Okay, Trump ain’t gonna say no more shit that throws me off guard.” Then Trump said the shit that shocked the world. You was watching the news. Had your breakfast blunt, it scared you and your breakfast blunt. “Trump said, ‘Grab them by the pussy.’” [audience laughing] Even gangster n i g g a s were shocked. “What? Where the fuck they do that at? Here we been shaking bitches’ hands and hugging and shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. You can tell he really be grabbing bitches by the pussy, too. If you watch the news, Melania will not grab that motherfucker’s hand for nothing. Every time she grab for his hand, she do karate. “I know where your hand’s been, motherfucker. You are not…”
Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump makes his own rules. Trump was on the news. They asked Trump about the leaks. Trump said, “The leaks are real, but the news is fake.” [audience laughing] “I heard about the leaks on the news, sir. You are confusing me.” That’s like the police pull you over, you tell them the blunt ain’t real, but the smoke is. “Take your ass to real jail then, since you are…”
It’s a new world out there. You just gotta know what’s true and let that be true to you. Don’t let them change what your idea of true is. They try to tell us shit ain’t right, and we know what the answers are. They try to tell us ain’t no global warming. Get the fuck out of here, motherfucker. We live on this globe. We know there’s global warming. What the fuck happened to winter? Won’t nobody say shit? Winter is gone! When we was kids, winter was 19 months long. Snowmen used to last for four, five months. Now, winter is gone. Winter used to be from September to April. Then winter was from November to March. Now winter is just in Alaska and New York, that’s it. [audience laughing] Nobody else has seen a winter at all. “Ain’t no global warming.” Yes, it is.
Shit’s getting aggressive. Shit’s getting more aggressive. Fast food is getting more aggressive. Fast food used to be just a decision you made. Now they’re getting aggressive, and we gotta know when to draw the line. Taco Bell done started… trying to trap n i g g a s. [audience laughing] I gotta go all around the country warning my people to beware. Taco Bell is trying to trap n i g g a s, yes. They made a taco out of chicken meat. Yeah, trying to trap n i g g a s in there. We got to draw the line. No, Taco Bell. No. If we don’t stop them now, they’ll have chitlin chimichangas and hog maw nachos. No. We don’t want no corn bread churro. Make them regular. [audience laughing]
Fast food done got more aggressive. You know who I blame for that shit. That motherfucking Popeyes lady. I love Popeyes, but I can’t stand that motherfucking Popeyes lady. That bitch is a slave. Every time you hear her, she’s singing that slave-ass chicken song. ♪ Love that chicken From Popeye ♪ Shut the fuck up, bitch. I’m gonna let you know, white people, that bitch does not speak for all n i g g a s. We’ve been frying chicken for 400, 500 goddamn years. This bitch coming up with new recipes. She ain’t checked with n i g g a s at all. [audience laughing] Every two weeks, she got a new chicken n i g g a s have never heard of. “Try our new ghost pepper chicken.” Wait a minute, bitch. N i g g a s don’t even believe in ghosts. You done get that voodoo-ass chicken out of here, bitch. We are Christians on this side, I’ll have you know. Fuck that bitch. Every time she do a commercial, there’s got to be some coonery and shit. She got Jerry Rice looking like Scatman Crothers with Vaseline on his face, with a helmet on, eating chicken wings and dancing and shit.
Everybody getting more aggressive. The most aggressive is Arby’s. Arby’s is aggressive. Every 45 seconds, Arby’s got three new sandwiches and a brand-new commercial. They trying to gangster n i g g a s into coming in there. [scatting] “We have the meats.” That don’t even sound attractive. Stop saying that. That does not sound good. Poor Arby’s. Arby’s is desperate. Arby’s been cooking for 150 years. They just found out n i g g a s do not eat roast beef. [audience laughing] Every n i g g a in here know where a roast-beef sandwich is, at Arby’s. You wouldn’t go to Arby’s to save your life. If Jesus came back to an Arby’s, you’d have meet him in the parking lot. “No, Jesus, I’m right outside, soon as you come outside the door. I can’t eat nothing out of there but the curly fries and the Jamocha Shake. That’s the only thing my stomach…” [audience cheering] You go to Arby’s. Arby’s got 500 items on the menu. I went to Arby’s, they gave me a sandwich with meatloaf, corn beef, brisket, pulled ham, turkey, two fish sticks, a crab cake, a dollop of coleslaw, on two pieces of hot-water corn bread for $1.29. It came with two bag of chips and three drinks. “Please come to Arby’s.” They desperate.
Now, I know that I talk a lot about race. I don’t want people to think it’s more racist than it usually is. It’s the same. They don’t hate all n i g g a s. They just like some more than others. If you tall and dark with a deep voice, they love your motherfucking ass. That n i g g a is selling the shit out them Allstate commercials. [in deep voice] “You’re in good hands… with Allstate.” [in normal voice] White people are like, “I trust him. I think he has our best interests at heart.” You tall and dark with a deep voice, they love you. That n i g g a’s selling the shit out them ADT commercials. Ving Rhames is right in the front camera. [as Ving Rhames] “Don’t you even think about coming in here.” [in normal voice] Get your black ass out of this front yard before we both get shot. Come in here, ADT. You tall and dark, they love you. Samuel L. Jackson is selling the shit out them Capital One commercials. That n i g g a be cleaner than the Board of Health. He just sound too edgy at the end, like he might maybe could rob you. “What’s in your wallet?” Goddamn, Sam. What the fuck? You still out there, n i g g a?
It’s a new world out there. Gotta take care of yourself, eat right, drink right. They got a flu virus out there that’s killing people. The flu is already bullshit. You don’t need to catch the flu and die. Don’t worry about me. I can’t catch the flu. A lot of y’all don’t know, every time you go to jail… you get a flu shot, so… I done had 22 flu shots. I can’t legally catch the flu until 2026 I think it is. I can’t get the flu, tuberculosis. None of that shit. I go to jail, they don’t take my picture. They let me pick from my book. “Which one of these do you like? You can pick any one.”
It’s a new world out there. It’s a new world. When we was young, they use to tell us shit like: “By the time you grow up, computers is gonna be running the world.” We thought that was impossible. “Ain’t no way no motherfucking computers gonna be interacting with us. Shit.” If you got Siri and Alexa, your ass is in a threesome. [audience laughing] I’m in love with them bitches. I talk to Siri and Alexa about all my troubles. First of all, these bitches don’t back-talk none. They’re so polite. They wait for you to call their name first. “Alexa, what time is it?” She don’t say, “N i g g a, find your own clock.” [audience laughing]
Gonna be new shit in the future. They already making robots right now that can fuck. Ladies, I’m warning y’all now. [audience laughing] Get your pussy game together. [audience laughing] Hurry before these robot bitches get here. It’s gonna be some shit. You think n i g g a s is bad with they phone, wait till they get a robot bitch. That bitch run out of her charge. “I need a cord. I need a USB real fast. My computer bitch done went down. Hurry.” “I got her in the shop getting her pussy tightened up. It wasn’t the way I wanted.” You fuck her and she play ESPN. It’s beautiful. You ain’t never had no shit like this. That’s okay, ladies. Don’t worry. We ain’t gonna never leave y’all for robots, ’cause first time you fuck over one of them robots… that’s your ass. You think a regular bitch will shut down your life, wait till you piss off a robot bitch. You wake up, this bitch done shut your lights off, your cable is off. She done quit your job with a long letter signed with your name. “Goddamn, computer bitch.” Bitch sent your dick pics all out to the community and shit. She done turn into Rob Kardashian and shit. What are you doing, computer?
You just gotta remember to laugh… and make as many changes as you can in your life. Sometimes little small shit can change shit. Little small shit. Watch this. Where’s all the single people? Make some noise. Single people, is y’all out there? -[audience cheering] -Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sounding strong. Where’s all the relationships in the building? Make some noise. [audience cheering] Okay. Y’all sound boo’d up in Jacksonville. [audience laughing] Some of y’all is with two somebodies. They in the back hiding off-camera and shit. Whether you single or you in a relationship, take this little piece of advice, add it to your life. It’s gonna change shit. Do more fucking. Didn’t that sound simple? Do more fucking. It’ll change your life. Do it. If you single, you should be fucking every chance you get. Just in case. You never know. And if you in a relationship, do more fucking. And, women, I’m not talking to y’all. I know y’all are always ready, ready, ready. I’m talking to men. We only wanna give her perfect dick. No. Give her all the dicks. Give her happy dick, sad dick, angry dick. She loves angry dick. “Gee, I don’t know what done got into him, but this is finally what I’ve been talking about right here. This is exactly…” [audience laughing] Just saying. Do… more fucking. It’s important. It’s important. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. Now, understand… and do more fucking. And that means all parts of it. Do more fucking.
Watch this. Where’s the men in the building? Make some noise. Men, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. [men shouting] All right. How many of y’all men, by round of applause, know that Viagra works its ass off? -Make some noise. -[scattered shouting] Thank all 12 of y’all for your honesty and your dedication. The rest of you lying sacks of shit… Some of you men tried to break your hands not clapping. [audience laughing] “What’d he say? ‘Who’s been to Niagara?’ I ain’t never been to Niagara, if that’s what he’s saying.” Every man in here knows Viagra works. Most shit for men does not work. Viagra is not one of them. Viagra works its ass off. That shit works too good. Every man either knows it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it. For the first time in your life, you said your prayer with your dick in your hand. Just, “Heavenly Father, this is your humble servant, Lord. You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus. And if you would just lay those same mighty hands on my penile region…” You either know it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it… or you didn’t need it, you just figured you’d try it, see what the fuck it would do before you did need it. But either way, you know Viagra works its ass off. As soon as you swallow it, it goes right to your dick immediately. You like, “Wait a minute. I’m not even ready yet.” [audience laughing] You be trying to figure out: “Is it gonna make my dick big enough for me to notice?” Shit, Viagra make your dick bigger than you have ever seen it before in your life. You don’t even wanna touch it, it look like another n i g g a’s dick. You just looking at it, just– [“I’m Lit” playing on speakers] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit ♪ [music stops] That’s your “I’m walking with a new dick” walk.
Viagra’s the shit. That shit work too good. It make your dick hard as a rock and make your head hurt at the same time. You are delivering pleasure and receiving pain. You just: [grunting and groaning] [audience laughing] It’s fucked up. That shit work too good. As a man, you and your penis got mental telepathy. If you say it, your dick does it. If it’s time to pee, your dick pees. Time to shake, your dick shakes. Viagra make your dick ignore you for the first time in life. I specifically said to my dick, and I quote, “That’s about enough now. Go on and wrap it up.” My dick know when I say that, that means we have done what the fuck we came to do. It’s time to hit the dismount, get some sleep. I told my dick to wrap it up. My dick said: [“Boss Moves” playing on speakers] ♪ All my ho’s make boss moves ♪ ♪ All my fellas make boss moves ♪ ♪ Yo, n i g g a, you can be a boss, too All my n i g g a s make– ♪ [music stops] Fellas, you ever fuck so long you don’t even know what to do no more? You done used all your moves and shit? It’s an out-of-body experience. You start criticizing your own dick. “This is wrong, right here. She gotta be at work at 6:30 in the morning, and here I am at 4:35.”
That shit works. But I didn’t bring up Viagra… to talk to the men. I brought up Viagra to talk to the ladies. New shit. I’ve been talking about it for two years. It’s finally happening. 2018, they gonna be selling it. It’s gonna change everything. They are finally fitting to sell female Viagra. [woman cheers] Did you hear that? That wasn’t women. That was old vaginas waking up for the first time tonight. [audience laughing] “What did that n i g g a say?” She ain’t gave that pussy away since the Prohibition. That’s fresh. She got cobwebs on it and everything is fresh. Saran Wrap. That’s right, ladies. Female Viagra is coming. It’s fitting to change everything. The pussy game is already vicious, wait till this old kitty cat get back on the market. They say the female Viagra is stronger than the men’s. Yeah, they say even if you 62, it’ll bring you back to when you was at your hottest. Look at the cougars. Rawr. [audience laughing]
That’s gonna change the game. Right now, young girls is running things. But you wait till that old classic get out. Men know there ain’t but two types of pussy, the old classic pussy and the new classic. That old classic is a classic for a reason. It’s got its own classic rules, that old classic. A young girl, you just get her to bed and start fucking. Not that old classic. Oh, no. You got to warm up that engine first. You gotta prime that engine. You… [mimicking sputtering engine] Have to grab that bitch by the nipples and shit. Have to keep checking her fluids. “She ain’t ready yet. She is not ready.” [mimicking sputtering engine] You’ll know when she ready, ’cause she gonna crank up. [mimicking revving engine] Like, “This bitch got a 450 under there. This is a real classic right here.” That’s that old classic. Young girl wanna come all night long. Not that old classic. Oh, no. She just wanna come one time. She wanna come hard as hell. She want it to shake the room. Boo! She ain’t got time to be fucking all night. She got shit in the Crock-Pot she got to look after. “I stir these at 3 and at 7 like clockwork. I never miss it. That’s my secret.” That’s that old classic. She don’t wanna come but one time, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Oh, no. You have to be ready to do 49 to 52 minutes of hard work. You gonna have to use hard dick and creativity. ‘Cause she can’t move this hip… and this knee. You might have to fuck that bitch in a rocking chair. [audience laughing] “Can you feel that, Mee-Maw?”
That’s that old classic. Just saying, do more fucking. Some of you women are lucky. You are sitting right now with a man with great dick. Don’t make no noise. [audience laughing] Y’all know how these Jacksonville ho’s is. [audience laughing] Soon as y’all made noise, that bitch look like vultures. They’ll do a flyby on your relationship. “What the fuck is this bitch clapping for? That ain’t nobody but Gerald, girl. Nobody but Gerald.” It’s true. It’s true. Some of you women is sitting here with men with great dick. And notice I didn’t say “big dick.” I said “great dick.” Cos I don’t know sizes. I know mine is as big as it’s ever gonna be, and I leave it at that. As men, we know if we got great dick, and your woman know, too. Some of you men look confused. You don’t know if you got regular dick… or if you got great dick. This is how you know, fellas, if you got great dick. If you can let your woman see your penis before it gets hard. You can walk right up to the bed, “You need anything out the kitchen? [audience laughing] I’m gonna get some ice-cold sweet tea and I’ll be ready to lay that hammer down.” That mean you got it. That’s that great dick. If you got regular dick, your ass gotta hide all around the bedroom till your dick get right. You behind the TV and shit. All behind the curtains and the plants. “I’ll be right there.” [audience laughing] That’s great dick. Women don’t think we know. Women think all vagina is the same to us. No the fuck it ain’t. We know when we done laid it down, but we don’t say shit. As a man, we don’t say shit. We just walk away, go in the bathroom, shut the door, turn on the shower. We don’t even get in the shower. We be looking in the mirror.
[“Freedom” playing on speakers]
♪ We got to do this now ♪
♪ Let me show you how ♪
♪ Before the time– ♪
Thank y’all so much. I appreciate y’all.
[“Bad Guy” playing on speakers]
♪ Feelin’ like O.J. I know they goin’ get me ♪
♪ But, bitch, not today ♪
♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪
♪ I don’t give a fuck What the sentence is ♪
♪ I’m still fittin’ to get it in ♪
♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪
♪ I’m already free ♪
♪ But I’m still in court ♪
♪ I got a lot on my docket ♪
♪ Tryin’ to fuck a n i g g a’s life up Tryin’ to fuck a n i g g a’s life up ♪
♪ Gotta clean it like Lysol ♪
♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪