(DL Hughley enters from stage left with his head cocked and grabs the microphone)
Hey now! How yallll doiinnnnnn. How yall doin chocolate city? Goddamn. Now, there’s some good looking people around here. Give yourself a round of applause.
That’s nice! It’s a mixed audience too, man. It’s the doctor sitting next to the motherfucker that’s gonna rob him after the show.
That shit– Look at all the white people ohhhhh shiitt. (Widens his eyes and rotates his body away from audience) Man I was at the capitol today. I had no idea the capitol was right next to the roughest fucking neighbor I ever been to in my whole goddamn life.
I saw a squirrel with a bullet proof vest on.
Fuck this shit ah. I mean the capitol is surrounded by pedophiles, criminals and drug addicts and that’s just the House of Representatives.
(Laughs) That’s true.
You know DC is a black city. They got to bus white people in. Aint that a bitch? (Chuckles) (In a monotone politician sounding accent): We’re going to the city. Let’s all go together.
I don’t understand it. Now we got everybody running for president. We got a Mormon, a black man and a woman. Sounds like I’m getting ready to tell a bar joke, don’t it? [Audience laughter](Laughs)
Hilary Clinton. Every time she get in front of a black audience she talk black. You ever notice that? She going to fuck around and slip up. (Mocking Hilary Clinton) “Bitch, Please! Ohh, oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that shit out loud.” (He heals over and puts his hands on his knees)
Who else we got? We got John McCain. He running for president, but he’s 70 fucking years old. Seventy years old, you can’t be president. You must be out your fucking mind. [Audience laughter] Seventy. The only job you should ever have is a greeter at Walmart. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience laughter] I ain’t bullshittin’. If your birthday got 190- anythang in it, you should be taking a nap. [Audience laughter] Let your ass be president you fall asleep on the button and blow us all up. What the fucka–?
Now, Giuliani, he’s running for president. And his sole qualification is that he was mayor of New York when 9/11 happen’. You know, he was there…. so he an expert on terrorism. That’s like me seeing a pregnant woman and go, “ooh, she must be an espert on fucking.” (Widens eyebrows and eyes) [Audience laughter] She was there when it happened. (Raises his arm like “what”)
We got Mitt Romney running for president and he’s a Mormon. And Mormons up to 1978 believed it was a sin to be black. Ain’t that a bitch? (Chokes on ‘that’ as if he is in disbelief) [Audience laughter] We talking about 1978. That’s two years after the Jefferson’s. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughter] How could you believe Weezy aint going to heaven? That’s— Well, I guess you could go to heaven they had a loophole we could get to heaven but we had to be real good and once we got there, we still had to be slaves. Ain’t that fucked up? (Raises an octave when he says ‘fucked’ for emphasis) You spend your whole life giving up hookers and drugs and walkin’ in Gods light and your reward is to be the limo driver for Donny and Marie. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience laughter]
And the big question is, Barack Obama is running for president. (Mocks a news reporter): Is the country really ready for a black president?Ha! After the motherfuck we got, come on, now. [Audience laughter] Ha, come on. [Audience cheering] Let’s be realistic. Heh. How bad could we fuck up? What are we gonna do? Steal an election, start a war, and give our friends jobs we know they ain’t qualified for? [Continued audience cheering and laughing] What the fuck are we gonna do? I don’t understand—of course shit would be different if we had a black president.
You have questions at the White House you never had to answer. (Mocks the presidents assistant): “Mr. President, uh, you know. You’re president now. You don’t have to carry your own gun.” “Uh…Mr. President, I know, we love dogs too, but pit bulls are illegal in Washington D.C. Mr. President.” [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, you wife asked for a hot comb. We don’t know what the fuck that is. [Audience laughter louder] Is the comb already hot or do you heat it up? We asked Condoleezza Rice and she didn’t know either. [Audience laughter and cheering even louder] So we don’t know what that’s all about.” (Laughs)[Audience cheering] “Mr. President, are you going to get sleepy after every single meal, Mr. President? We don’t know what itis is, Mr. President.”(Laughs) [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, the kitchen called and they said they serve other things besides wings, Mr. President. [Audience laughter] Or what you like to call ghetto crab legs, Mr. President.” [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, do I have to give you dap every single time I see you, Mr. President? Can’t I just nod in agreement?”(Raises his arm as if he confused, mocking the assistant)
Barack Obama’s biggest problem is not his color. It’s his name. That just don’t sound like an American president. Were used to John and George and Bill. Barack Obama that sounds like the owner of a 7-Eleven, don’t it-ey? [Audience laughter] Every time I say that shit, I want a Slurpee, goddamn. [Audience laughter] I just, and of course, it would be historic if he became president. They’d put his face on money. All the fucking good money taken. They’d probably piss us off and put his picture on a food stamp and wed be madder than a motherfucker.
(Mocking the general population in a monotone voice) “Have you seen the Obama Bucks? That’s—what’s—that’s nice.” [Audience laughter]
This is D.C. and of course, everything happens here. It is where the immigration debate is raised. And they want to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out. I’m like, who the fuck gonna build it? [Audience laughter](Laughs twice) I know we ain’t. (Holds stomach as if he was taking blame for something) And I cannot imagine white people working in the sun that long, (mocking a white person) “Oh, lord. How many more bricks do we have to go? Jesus. Jose, help me with the wall. As long as you’re on the other side when we finish no one will know. Please Jose.” [Audience laughter] Arizona, California, Texas, New Mexico and Nevada was all Mexico until the 1900s. Them motherfuckers’ ain’t crossing the border. We moved it. [Audience laughter] These are the people who build our homes watch our children and grow our food, and we want to insult them by building a fucking wall? If were gonna build a wall, at least put their names on it. And tell them it’s a monument or something. (Motions in the air) This is for you, Lupe. Here’s your name right here. (Points as if he is pointing to a wall with Lupe’s name on it) [Audience laughter]
This nation was founded by immigrants. Everybody in this motherfucker took a boat. [Audience applauding] Some of us willingly. (Laughs) We actually have a law here that says if Cubans leave Cuba and make it to America, they get to stay. So if I was Mexican, I’d float over to Cuba and ride back with them motherfuckers. [Audience laughter] (Mocking border patrol and a Mexican immigrant) “Are you Cuban” “Si” “Are you sure?” “Si” “All right, let ‘em in…. but if he touches a piñata he’s out of here.
I swear to God” The statue of Liberty you go to New York, it has an inscription on the bottom by Emma Lazarus that is a tribute an invitation to– to immigrants. Give me your tired, your poor, you huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, and I lift my lamp by the golden door. That’s—that shit is beautiful. [Audience applauding] But if we don’t mean it, let’s scratch that shit off. [Audience laughter] Or at least put, (mocking Americans) “P.S. Except for Mexicans. We reserve the right to refuse the service to anybody. She’s holding a lamp, not a leaf blower” [Audience laughter] I don’t understand it man. We have a law here. (Gets tripped up on what he was saying) Uh, y’all riding a yellow bus or something? What the fuck–? [Audience laughter]
All kind of shit going on. I don’t understand. Of course you can’t say nothing to nobody no more. Everybody’s politically correct. You can’t say nothing no god damn more. That’s the fucking deal. It all started with—remember Mel Gibson said, (mocking Mel Gibson) “Jews started all the wars,” but he couldn’t take the heat for it. “No, no, I don’t hate Jews. I was drinking.” Mark Foley who molested the little boys the little pages in the—in the—(laughs) in the page program (mocking Mark Foley) “I don’t molest boys, I was drinking” Well, I done drink a lot in my life. I’ve never hated a Jew or fucked a little boy. I have gotten drunk and fucked a fat woman, but that’s okay. (Shakes his head and raises his eyebrows) [Audience laughter]
People saying shit, it all started with that Michael Richards too. This motherfucker said “n i g g e r” eight times before the audience decided they were offended. (Mimicking audience) “Wait—wait a minute [Audience laughter] (looks around as if he was shocked) was that the eighth ‘n i g g e r’ right there? That was eight. Eight. Well, I usually allow myself two ‘n i g g e rs’ a year, but this is ridiculous.”
(Laughs) People act like rappers and comedians came up with the word ‘n i g g e r’. We didn’t. ‘N i g g e r’ is older than baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie. [Audience laughter] You show me a white man that ain’t said ‘n i g g e r’ and I’ll show you a 2-year-old. Fuck that shit-eh. [Audience laughter] That’s the fucking deaaaaa (prolongs deal and laughs).
Jesse Jackson’s gone on TV. (Mimics Jesse Jackson) “We should stop using the word ‘n i g g e r.’” Well, Jesse, if we do, you won’t have a job. [Audience laughter] And if the po-leece can’t say‘n i g g e r’ how they gonna tell us to get out of the car? (Mimics a police officer and a black man) “Get out of the car, sir.” “Oh, fuck him, he’s bullshitting us.” (Laughs) [Audience laughing] Look at all the white people. (Mimics his audience) “I wish I could say that. I do” (shakes his head and moves it forward mocking his audience. Moves all the way until his hands are at his knees) well you can, just not here. (Laughs) Do it in your car, like you always do. (Laughs) (Mimics white person is their car) “N i g g e r!” (Imitates car motor revving and moves across the stage with his hand around a fake steering wheel) [Audience clapping] I don’t know how I’m gonna stop saying ‘n i g g e r’ when it describes some motherfuckers I know so perfectly. [Audience laughter] Everybody know that one motherfucker that can only be described as, (covers his face as if he is embarrassed) “That n i g g e r, there. Goddamn!” ooh, ooh. “Oh this n i g g e r here, shit! How did he get my goddamn number, this n i g g e r here?” (Continues to have his hand over his face) (Laughs)
Truth is I know black men and I know ‘n i g g e rs.’ And they all have their place. If I’m hanging out at dinner, I like to hang around with black men. But if the shit break out, here tonight, it’s AND a n i g g e r working for me tonight. The n i g g e r made my hotel arrangements. (Soft laugh) The black man picks up my money. [Audience laughter] ‘Cause you know, them n i g g e rs there, boy they—“where my money?” (Mocks a ‘n i g g e r’ in the situation) “You were supposed to get some money?” [Audience laughter] “I didn’t know you was supposed to get some money.”
I—So tired of the shit I see. This dude got offended, man. Just always offended. I say what the fuck I feel. I ain’t trying to hurt nobody’s feelings. I was talking to this Asian dude and I called him ‘Oriental’ This motherfucker (mocking an Asian person) “I am not Oriental, I am Asian!” Motherfucker, I don’t know?? All I know is y’all run from Godzilla the same fucking way. [Audience cheering and laughing] That’s all the fuck I know. What the fuck I know? (Chuckling while saying) And all the white people (Mocking the white people in his audience, sounds like a cry) “I wish I could say that too. I can’t say anything.”
The only cool thing about being a black comedian is you get to say shit other people can’t say. That’s the fucking deal. But that’s it. That’s the only advantage, man. But if y’all want, we can switch places. We’ll rule the wooorld [Audience laughing], and you get to say “n i g g e r” “bitch” and “ho.” [Audience laughter] And well throw in some of your white women to make it even. [Louder audience laughing] We’ll give em back to you.
Everybody getting in trouble. Don Imus got in trouble, man. Don Immus, I don’t know why somebody would take him seriously. That motherfucker look like a werewolf that didn’t finish changing. [Audience laughter] Like he was just about to turn into a werewolf, but the moon went down and uh shit! (Turns his body quickly around towards the back of the stage as if he is in disbelief) (Mocking Don Immus) “Where’s my cowboy hat?” And Al Sharpton, he was on TV more than the Lady Knights of Rutgers. Ain’t that a bitch? At one point, I thought he played for Rutgers. I’m like, who is the chubby chick with the perm? (Points as if he is pointing to his TV, pauses in this position) What the fuck–? I don’t understand that shit, man.
It ain’t what you’re called it’s what the fuck you answer to. When we was growing up your mom used to say shit like (mimics his mother) “they talked about Jesus you think they gonna talk about you?” Sticks and stones can break your bones motherfucker he can say what he wants just don’t let him put his hands on you that, we used to hear that shit all the time, man. [Audience clapping] I remember, uh, I mean freedom of speech is a zero-sum proposition. Either you believe in or you don’t.
Pretty soon they gonna tell us we can’t say shit. And that’s the fucking deal, man. I don’t understand none of that shit. I don’t get upset about nothing. You can call me what you want. Like I said it’s what I’m going to answer to. Like Don Immus called them girls nappy-headed ho’s, and that was wrong, ‘cause they wasn’t ho’s. [Audience laughter] But two or three of them motherfuckers was nappy-headed. Don’t act like it’s just me. Fuck y’all. [Audience laughter] I know something about nappy hair. I can swim and the middle of my hair won’t get wet. Fuck y’all. Shit. [Audience laughter] A sister’s hair and sweat don’t go together, no goddamn way. You know sisters can’t take water in their hair. Are you fucking crazy? You’ll start the game looking like Halle Berry. By the fourth quarter you look like me. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughing] “Is that Ben Wallace?” “No that’s Bonita Wallace.” (Busts out laughing)
I go all over the country and I realize, man, there’s other things we could be doing. Like, I don’t knock nobody’s house. I really try not to, man. But you know, we have a lot of problems in our community other than what happened with Don Imus. Like, Don Imus in the grand scheme of things don’t matter. You know that 93 percent of black people killed in this country are killed by other black people? One in three black people in this country and in this city in particular, can’t read. That’s a fucking problem. There are more black men in jail than are in college, and we fucking around with Don Imus? Fuck that. (Scuffs) But I guess that makes sense ‘cause apparently that was the one white man that was holding us back. [Audience laughter] (Laughs) Now we got rid of him, shit gonna go good. Y’all know that shit is funny. Fuck y’all. Y’all know its fucking funny. [Audience laughing louder] We have different experiences, man. (Scuffs)
I’m so tired of white people falling off cruise ships, I don’t know what the fuck to do. What is this shit all about? [Audience laughter] It ain’t like we ain’t been drunk on boats. We just don’t fall off them motherfuckers. (Mimics himself on a cruise) “Awhhh nawww, I’m going back to the bar.” I stopped—I don’t like cruising to the Caribbean ‘cause all them fucking islands look alike. I don’t even think that boat went no goddamn where. [Audience laughter] Just wait for everybody to fall asleep and pulled back in. (Mimics himself having a conversation with an islander) “Is this Jamaica?” “Yeah mon, yeah mon.” And you get seasick, so they say take this patch. Put it behind your ear to stop the boat from rocking. Like motherfucker, why don’t you put the patch on the side of the boat? Shit.
I stopped liking cruises when I saw the Titanic. Women think it’s a romantic story. I think it’s dumber than a motherfucker. He fucked that girl one time, had to give her the whole piece of wood. Fuck y’all. [Audience laughter] You can have half. [Continued audience laughter] You ain’t even met my mama yet. Fuck you. Shit.
Shit happens I don’t fucking understand man. White folk getting shot at work don’t know what the fuck to do. If you—if you not sure what to do, watch us. When we leave, come, goddamn it. ‘Cause we easing out the building. Look at this crazy motherfucker right here. [Audience laughter] This place about to be on the news. Come on Jose (mocking the same Mexican as previously described) “Si. Si. Si. Si.” [Audience clapping] White folk walking right up to the trouble. (Imitates a whiter person in the building) “Hey what are you doing here with the camouflage on? Nobody told me it was casual fri—“(Imitates gunshots and body motions like he is getting shot) We be at home watching the news. (Mimics himself as he is watching the news) “I was just there. Oh. They done killed the supervisor. I’m applying for the job tomorrow.”
Fuck that shit. We just have different experiences. Like white folk ain’t scared of the police. They talk shit to them. (Mimics an angry white person getting pulled over by the police) “Hurry up and write the goddamn ticket, you son of a bitch! [Audience laughter] Fucking pig! All this crime going on and you’re fucking with me? There’s a black guy and a Mexican. One of them done something. Goddamn it! Give me your badge number asshoooole.” That shit don’t work for us, do it? (Mimics a black person getting pulled over by the police) “Give me your – oh (slams the microphone next to his side to indicate gunshots and moves his body as if he is getting shot) Help me, Jose! No speak-a English. No, no.” [Audience laughter] We got a different relationship with the po-lice. You ever had the po-lice follow you so long you get suspicious of your own goddamn self? [Audience laughter] “Maybe I did kill them motherfuckers, actually…”
You ever notice the more fucked up you are the better you try to drive? When you real high, you stop 20 feet before the light. [Audience clapping] Slip your seat belt on. You got a bottle of liquor on the seat next to you, so you put a seat belt on that motherfucker too. (Bends down like he is talking to the liquor bottle next to him in the car) “Hey if they stop us, act like we ain’t together.” And when you high, everything look like a police car. Don’t it? “Oh shiiiiiit. Check out the police. Hey bitch, take that ski rack off your car.” You done made me our out a bag of weed, fucking with you. Let’s go back Jose.”(Mimics Mexican from earlier) “Si. Si. Si. Si.” (Walks away)
Everything’s fucking crazy, now, man. And now we don’t want to know what’s going on in the news, so they anesthetize us with bullshit stories. I mean, Paris Hilton. I don’t even know what the fuck she is famous for? What the fuck did she doooo? ‘Cause her mom and daddy own hotels? You don’t never see them Ramada bitches. You ever see them out? [Audience laughter and clapping] (Look of confusion on his face) You don’t see them Motel 6 ho’s, you don’t see them out. And now she going to jail, but I bet she keep her panties on in jail. I bet you that.
I’m so glad Michael Jackson didn’t go to jail. (Laughs) That’s. That’s one motherfucker ain’t cut out fo’ the penitentiary. [Audience laughter] They’d have been passing his ass around like a joint. (Imitating inmates) “Would you like a hit of the king of pop?” “Why yes, I would.” [Audience laughter] I felt bad for the courtroom artist, ‘cause that bitch had to draw Michael Jackson. (Scuffs) And that can’t be easy, ‘cause his color ain’t even in the crayon box. [Audience laughter] You gotta mix some shit up to draw Michael Jackson. (Mocking someone deep in thought) “I’m gonna need some peach and some yellow.” [Audience laughter]“Are you drawing Michael Jackson?” “Yes I am ho!”
Some motherfuckers ain’t cut out for jail, like Ken Lay. The CEO of, uh, Enron. This motherfucker was supposed to go to jail and pay 30 million dollars. And what’d he do? He died. And uh, that taught me a valuable lesson. If you owe a motherfucker that much money, just die. Fuck that shit. [Audience laughter] (Makes a funny face) Shit, I hope when I die the last check I write bounce like a motherfucker. (Scuffs) (Mimics someone trying to bounce his check) “Mr. Hughley, there seems to be— (makes a long squealing noise) [Audience laughing] He did it on purpose. That n i g g e r there. Goddamn.” (Shakes his head)
Maybe that astronaut. This woman found out her man was fucking around so she drove from Texas to, to Florida with a diaper on ‘cause she didn’t have time to stop and shit. Ain’t that somethin’? And what I want to know is, what car you know go 900 miles without stopping for gaaas? [Audience laughter] So you’ll stop for gas, but you’ll just shit on yourself? What is that? [Audience laughter] “Hey ma’am, can I help you?” (Mimics the woman, straining his voice like he is pooping) “No, I’m all right.” Somebody needs to change that baby. Shit. (Motions like he is smelling something bad) They gonna be selling these to crazy-ass women everywhere. Llaughs) (Mimics an informational commercial) “Have you ever been on your way to choke a bitch ‘cause you find out she’s fucking your man? All of a sudden, you got to take a shit. Try new AstroDrawers. For the woman on the go with no place to do it.” [Audience laughter] I read about this—I remember this skydiving instructor she found out her man was fucking around. She invited the woman he was fucking to go skydiving. And like a dumbass, she went. [Audience laughter] And was shocked that the parachute didn’t open up. Just a note fell out that said, “Bye bitch!” [Audience laughter] “You must not know about me. You must not.” (Singing to the tune of Irreplaceable by Beyonce)
[Audience laughter and cheering]
I don’t understand. And I’m actually sad when any human being dies. I’m not passing judgment. I’m just telling you how I see it. Now, when five people claim to be your baby daddy, you a ho. [Audience laughter and clapping] She had more nuts in her than a Snickers bar, that’s all the fuck I’m saying.
Alec Baldwin got in trouble because people got upset because he called his 11-year old daughter a pig. (Mimicking the people complaining about this in a whiny voice) “I can’t believe that an adult would talk to a child like that.” Are you out of yo fucking mind? Compared to the way we got talked to when we was growing up? (Mimics his mother) “If you don’t sit down and shut the fuck up, I will knock the shit out of you. Ignorant son of a bitch. [Audience cheering] Got me cussing. No I’m saved too. Shit.[Audience laughter] Boy you cost me a trip to heaven, I will fuck you up (really intense). I swear to god. I, I’m sorry, Jesus. Amen. Amen. (Puts his hand over his face) Please, Lord, don’t let me raise up and choke the fuck out of this motherfucker, please.”
Shit, when I was in third grade, my mama shot me. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughter] Yeah with a .22, but it still hurt.
I don’t understand it man. These fucking kids, I don’t understand. They’re soft too, man. They’re fucking soft. You leave ‘e in the car in the summer and they die. What type of shit is that? [Audience laughter] We got left in the car in the summer and we didn’t die. We had sense enough to get out of the fucking car. It’s hot. We’re in the car. We gonna die. Not me. I’m gonna get out the car. [Audience laughter] (Mimics a conversation between him and his brother at a young age) “Mama said don’t get out.” “I’m taking a whuppin’ but I’m getting out the car. It’s easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.” Fuck that shit.
Our mothers use to treat us—oh man. I remember I was 5 years old. I told my mother I was gonna run away. (Scuffs) She went (imitates his mother) “don’t nobody want your nappy-headed ass but me. Who the fuck wants you but me?”
Oh, man. MY mom used to send me to the liquor store when I was 8 years old to get liquor and cigarettes. (Reenacts a conversation between his mother and him at 8 years old) “Hey mama, they ain’t gonna give me that shit. I’m 8.” “Hm! Take this note.” [Audience laughter] Don’t act like it’s just me. Fuck y’all. (Laughs)
My mom used to have me so stressed out I had to smoke on the way home. (Mimics his 8 year old self) “Oh, shit. I can’t take it.” (Puts his hand over his face as if he is stressed out)
It’s harder for kids. Teachers are having sex with kids, which I find downright disgusting. They weren’t doing that shit when I was growing up. [Audience laughter] I have been denied a good education.(nods head) They was fucking like that, I’d have went to school on a Saturday. (Mocks a conversation between his father and himself at a young age) “Where you going son?”(Uses a deep voice to mimic his father) “School.” “But it’s Saturday.” “I know Daddy, but they fucking in school.” “Well, let me come down here with you, make sure everything’s all right.”
You never see no sisters. They don’t do that shit. Black female teachers don’t do that shit. A sister is not gonna have sex with no kids. A sister ain’t gonna give no pussy unless you got a job. (Mimics a black female teacher) “I know you 6, but you better get a paper route or something. This is school. School is for learning. And the first lesson is, pussy costs. Get a job, goddamn it.”
I ain’t never seen so many fat-ass kids in my whole fucking life. How the fuck you 5 and fat? Fat-assed 5-year-old. Fuckin 5 and fat. “Come here.” (Mimics a five year old with a high pitched voice) “I can’t. I’m five and I’m fat.” You know why they fat? ‘Cause they don’t go outside and play. When was the last time you was driving down the street and kids was outside playing? When we was growing up, we couldn’t go outside, we’d lose our fucking minds. That’s how your mom used to punish you. (Mimics his mother again) “Either I’m gonna whup your ass or you can’t go outside.” You take the whupping like a motherfucker. [Audience laughter] You be outside sniffling and playing. (Pretends to be sniffling and crying) “I’m outside, though.”
These kids are something else, man. And I mean, when I was growing up, every boy, every boy tried to fight his father. It was just a rite of passage. You had to. My father started moving a little slower, and I Uh-huh. I can take this motherfucker. He’s slow. So one day, I tried. I don’t really remember a lot about it. [Audience laughter] but I can say he wasn’t as slow as I thought he was. [Audience laughter] At one point, I thought I was fighting three motherfuckers. [Louder audience laughter] “How did you get behind me?”And my mother was on the porch cheering him on. (In a high pitched tone he mimics his mother) “Fuck him up, Charlie! Fuck him up!” I had to call time-out. Time—time—time-out. I know you exhausted. I am. I am. [Audience laughter] And now I see my 18-year-old son looking at me the same way. You know, but he—this motherfucker ain’t never had a fight in his whole goddamn life. I’m, I’m not the first fight you want to have, son. You want to work your way up to me. [Audience laughter] Go in there and fight your sisters or something for a while. ‘Cause there ain’t no way in the world I’m gonna let a child of mine kick my ass. And even if you do win, where the fuck you gonna live? [Audience laughter] You will be an undefeated, homeless, hungry motherfucker. “I won, but I’m so hungry. I want to go home!” (Mimics his son in a crying defeat. Throws his head back) (laughs)
There were so many things I was never concerned about but now I am, like you know the older you get and the more you look around, you see how the world has changed like global warming never seemed to mean shit to me until a couple of years ago when that tsunami happened, you remember 200,000 people died in that, no animals died, that’s true. Animals sensed what was going on and got the fuck out. And now they tryin to use them for an early warning system, like a chicken gonn tell us what’s goin on. (Man): “Whats’ wrong boy?”(Chicken): “You’ll find out” (Hughley moves his head like a chicken, bobbing up and down). Chicken “It’s about to be fucked up around here; Come on Jose” Jose: “si si si si”.
I don’t even know how the fuck you get killed in a tsunami, one of the first signs of a tsunami is that the beach leaves. If I ever go to the beach and the beach ain’t there, then I’m takin my black ass home. People stay and try to figure out “I came all the way to Thailand see the beach and it has the audacity to not be here. I demand that, oh, here it comes” (Long laughter as Hughley looks up in awe at a huge wave about to crash into him). Oh my god, that’s a lot of water Jose. Jose? (Looks around for jose) Screams Jose!
Hurricane Katrina, another example for me of global warming, I was actually in Japan when Hurricane Katrina hit. And I don’t speak Japanese but I kept watching the news and they kept showin people runnin, and they kept sayin refugees, and I said refugees; what the fuck happened in Haiti? It wasn’t refugees, it was American citizens, if you was stealin clothes or food to survive you wasn’t lootin. However that one motha fucka who was pushin that 60 inch plasma t.v. through six feet of water, he was lootin like a motha fucka like, the fuck you stealin a tv while you on tv you dumb son of a bitch. Where the fuck you gonna plug it in at? Whooo that n i g g a god damn (Hughley puts his hand in his head for 5 seconds while the audience laughs).
“How come they didn’t’ leave”, that was the biggest question in the country; “they should’ve left, they had plenty of warning they should’ve left”. Well that’s the poorest area of the country, the average income’s about $8000 a year in a lot of parts of new Orleans. That kind of money you ain’t goin no fuckin where, plus black people feel like we got a special relationship with god. “Ima wait on the Lord”. “God gon gimme a sign”, and he will, but you gotta stop lookin for the big shit, the burnin bushes and the rumbling clouds. Sometimes God just sends a weatherman sayin “all this shit right here (Hughley waving his arms around an imaginary map) “Is about to blow down the street”. That’s from the book of dopplar radar 911 now get in the fuckin car.
The more things I see the more things that amaze me I’m glad to see so many white women out here, it was a rough year for yall, it was a rough couple of years, you couldn’t turn on the news, without a missing white woman, its just every time. (Hughley pretends to be a news anchor) “Another missing white woman. We go live to bed, bath, and beyond”. (Audience and Hughlely laugh). The first missing white woman was the runaway bride in Georgia, this bitch had the biggest eyes I ever seen in my whole fucking life. You can’t kidnap someone with eyes that big. She’ll see you coming (With wide eyes) “You tryin to come kidnap me huh”. “I was, but you saw us now. I read about this one white woman who broke her black husband out of the penitentiary in Tennessee. Ima get me a white woman, fuck y’all shit. You can’t get a sista to pick you up from the airport. (pretending to be sister) “Ima drive around TWO TIMES, if yo ass ain’t out, I’m about to go”. I got a nail appointment I don’t know who you think you fucking with, what is wrong wich you”. (Hughley and audience laugh) You know it’s fuckin true man. I can understand it, white women are disappearing at an alarming rate, and between abduction anorexia and black athletes, there ain’t gonna be no more white women left for y’all. Fuck yall, y’all know its true. The only people not laughin at that are white women and black men “Fuck you D.L., that’s not funny” (Hughley and audience laughs).
Gas is so high, gas cost more than cocain, ain’t that a bitch. I’m not sayin I know, I’m just telling you its high. Gas is so high, I saw two brothas standin in the drive through. (Hughley pretends to be in a drivethrough line) “Fuck that, I’m…”(Goes forward, waits, then turns around) “Get off my bumper mother fucker it ain’t…”
I read recently that there were an increase in bear attacks, of course black people tend to not know that, because, we tend to not get attacked by bears. Get attacked by a bear you gotta go to the woods, and we ain’t go to the woods. If you dun see a black man in the woods, something dun gone horribly wrong. A bear wouldn’t even know what the fuck we was. (Hughley pretends to be a bear and looks around confused) “What is that” “I don’t know, but he sure is fast” “Do you smell weed?” “HUH, that’s that n i g g a der god damn fuck”.
Whole lotta shit I don’t understand man. The abortion issue is raised again, I’m not gonna say whether I’m for or against abortion, what I’m against is a bunch of men sitting around the white house deciding what women should do with they bodies, that’s the fuck I’m against. That ain’t got shit to do with you. Cus the big question is, when does life begin, at conception or when the babies an embryo; anybody with kids know that they life don’t begin till they can pay they own fuckin bills. Until then you just a motha fucka livin off me. I’m confused by people who generally claim to be pro life, cus they generally are against abortion but for the death penalty and for war, which is kinda fuckin confusing to me. “Yeah we want the baby to grow up, that way WE can kill him”. Its amazing how Christian we claim to be but we do things the opposite of what/ the way Christ asked us to, you ever notice that? Like we always, I was driving down the street through Virginia and I saw two bumper stickers, one that said “I support the NRA”, right next to that was another bumper sticker said “what would Jesus do” Ain’t that a bitch. I ain’t no bible scholar but I’ma guess he ain’t gonna have a gun. I mean I remember when he was being crucified he said “forgive them for they do not know what they do”, not “when I get down from here Ima pop a cap in you motha fuckas. I talk all the shit I want cause I know I’m goin to hell. Can’t be no hotter than Washington in the summer time god damn. Shit. It was so hot today I knew I couldn’t have been a slave fuck yall shit. I’d be telling them “master let me and I’m thinkin they planning to escape, its hotter than a motha fucka. Huh gimme some lemondade and I’ll draw you a map, it’s hot” (Hughley strokes his head as if he is hot”. We are blessed to live here, you know we got a lota, in in addition to the economic opportunities we have, we have shit to eat, that’s the fuckin deal, we the most overweight nation in the world cus we can eat, we have so much food we get diseases you only get from having so much food. We got some shit here called lactose intolerance “Nunnnmm I can’t fuck with dairy, dairy fucked me up numnnnnm woo. I can’t do it” And that’s cause you got choices, cus I bet they ain’t got that shit in Ethiopia I swear to God “Adul do those milk cartriges hurt your stomache?” “Yes but not as much as hunger, hunger hurt”. (Hughley acts as if he is in pain). “I need to eat please, help. What I love to see is men and women out together cus women get drunk and try to pretend like they don’t know what the fuck they did (woman’s voice) “Did I do something” (Man’s Voice)“you sho did” (Woman)“gimme a kiss”(Man) “you must be out yo fuckin mind. We not kissin no more this week. I know where yo mouth been nasty ass.” (Woman) “Every time I drink with you my ass hurts.” (Man) “Maybe you fell; you should check your balance”. I’ve been married for 21 years, you know what I’ve come to realize, you can’t be the same man you were before you got married, you gotta give some shit up. It’s incumbent for a man to sacrifice, to to to to a uhh, successful relationship, you gotta sacrifice, you gotta give some shit up. You gotta give up hope. Hope is a single man’s game, don’t no married man need no hope. Say you driving home this lovely woman, “oh I hope she cooks”, she didn’t’. “Hope she ain’t mad”, she is. “Hope I can get some head”, you won’t! A married woman stop giving head the minute she say I do. (Woman’s portrayal) “I do, now I don’t have to suck any dick anymore, thank God (puts head in hands). Married women give head with other shit on they minds (speaking with a full mouth)“Hurry up I gotta take my cornbread out”. I hate valentine’s day, that’s the dumbest fucking holiday in the god damn world, I gotta give you flowers for the same pussy I was getting from you the night before for free, what kinda shit is that? And edible panties wasn’t meant for each and every one of y’all, some of y’all got too much ass ain’t no way in the fuck you can finish all them draws. They get mad (girl voice) “you ain’t gonna finish?” (man voice) “girl I’m full now, shit. I need a nap and a doggy bag. Wrap it up I’ll carry it with me to work tomorrow.” Some brotha warmed it up in the break room microwave (pretends to use a microwave) (coworker) “What you eatin” (original man) “Some draws I didn’t finish last night”. The more prettier a woman is the more bullshit you’ll put up with, pretty women get away with fuckin murder. A pretty woman could start crying here right now, every man would say “girl you alright”? Ooh I hate to see a pretty girl like you cryin. Ugly girls catch hell when they cryin cus ain’t nobody give a fuck. (pretends to be ugly girl crying) “auuahhhhh” hey girl, get away from my car. Don’t make me throw another rock at you, get the fuck away from my car. (Camera pans out for 2 seconds, laughter can be heard, camera goes back close to Hughley as he smiles). Women love a man that can make them laugh, you can make a woman laugh, you can have any woman you want, that’s fuckin true. Brothas be mean “cook me some breakfast bitch.” (Woman’s voice) “You never make me laugh anymore”. (Brotha’s voice) “Cook me some breakfast bitch HaHA.” Don’t try that at home, I was just fuckin around, now some of y’all… (Hughley freezes with his arms extended to the audience with a slight grin on his face).
They say the biggest problem with men and women is that we have problems communicating, and I can understand that because, uh, men and women come from two different worlds. Men come from the world that’s here, women come from a fuckin world they make up. You ever gonn hold a conversation with your woman and you tried to understand her, and halfway through the conversation you go “what the fuck are you talking about? (Hughley has a confused look on his face) I don’t even understand what you sayin.” You know what I’m sayin, you don’t even know what the fuck you sayin, do you? Women do shit that is certifiedly insane. Putting towels in a fucking bathroom ain’t nobody been to fucking use, what kind of shit is that? (Woman’s voice) “Don’t use those towels” (Man’s voice) “Well what are they in there for” (Woman’s voice) “THERE NOT FOR YOU!” Everytime I get out of the shower I rub my dick across those towels, fuck those towels. I don’t give a shit about these goddamn towels. And you know why we’re laughing, cus we all do it, that’s why. (Motions to be rubbing himself off in multiple places with a towel). Women come in the bathroom (Woman’s voice) “Do these towels smell funny to you? They smell like nuts”. The only thing worse than taking a shower with a women is taking a fuckin bath, you motha fucka’s run the water 25 degrees higher than we can handel it. “What did you set this motha fucka on, hell? To you it’s romantic, to me its like boiling hotdogs, this shit hurts” You see how long it takes us to sit in the tub (Pretends to be getting in tub) “uhh, uhhhh, uhhhhhh, ay girl stop splashin, stop splashin, stop fuckin around. My nuts are on fire”. (Woman’s voice) “how come you stop talking to me after we finish makin love?” Cus something in pussy makes you sleepier than a motha fucker that’s why. You get some pussy, you can’t stay awake. (pretends to be having sex)“What’d she put in here? What is it, an ambient in here or something? I can’t keep my eyes open“. You get some pussy and eat a turkey sandwich, you in a comma, (blinks eyes a lot and looks tired) “I think she’s tryin to kill me. I gotta lay downawnan” (Hughley Laughs) They fucking hate when we use their toothbrush, what’s that shit about huh? (Woman’s voice) “DON’T USE MY TOOTHBRUSH! THAT’S NASTY!” (Man’s Voice) “After the shit we was doin to eachother last night? That was nasty, I had my face in your ass, what the fuck are you talking about?” (Woman’s voice) “I don’t care. That’s Nasty.” And they fuckin hate when we leave the toilet seat up, boy they hate that shit. I never even understood why, but do you understand they fall they whole ass in the bottom of the bowl? Feet dangling over they edge? Two oclock in the morning all you hear is (Woman’s voice) “GOD DAMMIT!!! YOU DIDN’T EVEN FLUSH YOU NASTY SON OF A BITCH! I’m so tired of my ass being wet I don’t know what the fuck to do!” That shit cracks me up I do it on purpose. You know how hard it is to put the toilet seat down, two oclock in the morning you stagger to the bathroom with that hard dick that won’t bend? You just… (Hughley uses the microphone as his penis and walks over to a stool; the stool is a toilet and he tries to find an angle with the microphone to pee from). All of a sudden your shit splits three different ways, you… (Hughley looks confused) Thank god we got these towels right here (Hughley pretends to wipe up pee on the stool with a towel). Oh well (Hughley Laughs). Don’t act like it’s just me, fuck y’all.
Women love to spend time with you, but only with the shit that they wanna do. Oh and they wanna do some boring shit. (Woman’s voice) “Let’s get up in the morning, we’ll go to breakfast, and then we’ll go to Costco”. (Man’s voice) “The fuck do I wanna go to Costco for, I don’t wanna go to fucking Costco. Let’s stay home and drink some wine and watch some porno.” (Woman’s voice) “NO! We goin to Costco”. Women love Costco cus they get that membership card and think they got all the power. (Woman’s voice) “He with me, come on you can come in” (Hughley, pretending to be a woman, pretends to show a membership card to a Costco worker and ushers in her husband multiple times). You can get shit at Costco you don’t even fuckin need. “OOO a helicopter seat. I’ll put this shit in my car”. I guess it’s good that y’all pick the itinerary for the day, cus if we did it’d be the same shit. (Man’s Voice) “Look here baby, you’ve been askin me about spending some time together, so I want you to know I heard you, you gonna get up, then you gonna make some breakfast, and then you gonna give me some pussy, and then we gonna lay down and take a nap, and when we wake up you gonna make some more lunch, and then you gonna give me some pussy. And then the game gonna come on, and we gonna be quiet”. And all the men are going “That’s a good ass day!”. The women are going “fuck you, we’re going to Costco.” (Camera pans to back of Hughley for a second and shows the crowd while they laugh, and then returns to a close up of Hughley).
Ever tried to talk your woman into watching porno? They lose their god damn mind. (Woman’s voice) “You like that shit?” (Man’ Voice) “I sho do”. Porno ain’t nothin but a love story with all the words taken out. My wife walked caught me watchin porno (Woman’s voice) “What the fuck are you doing?” (Hughley’s Voice) “You know good and god damn well what I’m doing.” (Woman’s voice) “Are you thinking about me?” (Hughley) “Fuck no you in the next room! I thought you was goin to Costco! Take this helicopter seat back it don’t work.” (Camera pans to behind Hughley and then returns to a close up view)
I don’t know man. I was readin about stem cell research man and apparently the president vetoed this because he believes that the stem cells are for future life. But I can guarantee you, if you could prove stem cells could enlarge the size of a man’s dick that shit would pass tomorrow. (Hughley having a conversation where two people talking)(Guy 1)“He has Alzheimer’s he won’t remember anything”(Guy 2) “He’ll remember how big his dick is, you see the size of the dick on this guy?”(Guy 1)“He’s paralyzed he can’t walk”(Guy 2) “But his dick is so big he can push the button on the wheelchair with it are you fuckin crazy?”
The greatest medical development in the last 10 years has been erectile dysfunction drugs, that’s the fuckin deal. And they originally weren’t for your dick, they were originally experimental heart medications. Some dude walks in “huhh, my chest hurts” (Doctor) “Here, take this pill. How’s the chest” (patient) “It hurts but my dick is hard as a mother fucker” (Doctor) “What about the chest?” (Patient) “Fuck the chest give me two more pills”. And they say that shit can make you blind, ain’t that a bitch if you finally get your dick hard and you can’t even see your woman “Sheila?.. I don’t care my dick is so big I can use it for a cane” (Hughley uses the microphone as his penis and feels around the microphone stand with it as a blind person would use a cane). “That’s the garage”. (Hughley continues to search around the microphone pole with his “penis”).
They got this shit called Cialis, shit lasts 36 hours, 36 hours of fuckin, that ain’t fun. You’ll just be chap and dehydrated. (Woman’s Voice) “You ready to go again big daddy?” (Man’s voice) “Girl get the fuck away from me. Bring me some Gatorade and some baby powder. My nuts are on fire. First that bath, now this, this shit is painful”. Cialis got the dumbest warnings in the world (Announcer’s voice) “If you have an erection for more than four hours, you should call a doctor”. If I got an erection for more than four hours Ima call a hooker, I don’t know about you. My momma always said share your toys.
Got some shit called Avitra and one of the side effects can cause penis disfigurement, that really ain’t worth the risk, cause you will not get a lot of action when your dick’s shaped like a yam. (Lots of laughter) That don’t turn the ladies on, ya… You know they gonna ask you (Woman’s voice) “Why’s your dick shaped like a yam?” (Man’s voice) “Just call me sweet potato pie baby”. (Hughley pauses as people laugh).
Whole lotta shit going on that I don’t understand. (Points at audience member) How you doin man? (Audience laughs and Hughley pauses) Yes, it’s that fuckin time. You know what fuckin time it is. HAHAHA look at all the black people (imitation) ”aww shit. That’s just why I didn’t sit in the front.” (Hughley points at another person in the audience) She getting up like she goin to church (Hughley gallops backwards, yelling) “ayy shit ayy”. (To original audience member) How you doin man? (man from audience) “Great, how about you” (Hughley, mockingly) “Great” Are you alright? Are you on some medication or some shit? This motha fucka driftin off like it’s a methadone clinic (Hughley closes his eyes and acts like he is on a sort of drug; he droops and falls for moments before returning to a regular height) What’s this, a field trip you on or somethin? And look at you, don’t look away because that not gonna stop me from fuckin with you ya (Hughley imitates the man turning away) “Don’t look at him. If you don’t look at him, he can’t see you. Everyone knows that”. (Hughley asks the man and the woman next to him) Y’all married or just fuckin around? (To the man specifically) Are you alright? You must push on doors that say pull, huh (Hughley pretends to push on a door that won’t open, pretending to be the man) “How come everybody get in but me?” Ima leave your ass alone, I know something is wrong with you.(Hughley asks a new two people) How you doin, y’all together? Look at that, white dude, black woman huhhhh. Uhh huhhh. And they tryin to pretend like they ain’t with each other (Hughley turns one way and pretends to be the man) “I don’t know you”. (Hughley turns the other way and pretends to be the woman) “I don’t know you!” (To the man) You been to a family reunion yet? Aww you gonna have a ball. (Hughey pretends to be member of the woman’s family at a reunion) “Ayy uh, snowflake, snowflake, lemme hold $20 snowflake, don’t be like that” (Hughley pauses and laughes). You gotta go, it’s gonna be funna then a motha fucka. What do you do cat daddy? (Man) “I’m a bartender”. Oh that’s how (Hughley laughs) that’s how you met her (Hughley laughs again). (Hughley pretending to be the man) “You want another long island baby, here you go baby”. (He serves the drink and the puts his pinky in his mouth while bouncing up and down) “Ooh, that shit is NICE”. (To the woman) What do you do, sweetiepie? Are you alright? (She nods yes). Are y’all motha fucka’s together? What is wrong with y’all? What do you honey? (Woman) “I work in a cosmetic store”. (Hughley again) Cosmetic store? Did you (Hughley laughs) did you meet this motha fucka at the cosmetic store? Lemme leave yo ass alone, something wrong with y’all. (To a black man). How you doin man, how long you been out? (The audience erupts with laughter, but the man is expressionless). This motha fucka looks like a suspect (Hughley imitates him) “Get that camera out my goddamn face! I ain’t fuck no bullshit”. (To another man) How you doin sir? Oh goddamn, that shirt’s tighter than a motha fucker goddamn. You in here with a leotard on, huh. (Crowd erupts in laughter as Hughley pretends to pull on his clothes around his crotch and butt, as if they were tight to his skin). (Imitating the man and his date) “Are you ready?” (As he’s pulling on his clothes)“In a minuite, shit!” (To a different woman) How you doin babygirl. Oh you got some this glasses on, god damn. You could watch this show from philly, huh. You probably think it’s two people on stage (pretends to be the girl) “Fuck both y’all”. Hope you ain’t got no job where you suppose to see. Cus if you work at a bank errybody gonna wait in yo line. (Hughley pretends to be waiting in a line and keeps looking at the length of the line “Ima wait for old girl rightttt there.” (Back to the previous man with the tight shirt). How you doin tight shirt, you alright? I know you uncomfortable than a motha fucka, you. Every time you breath, you pop a button or something. Now what do you do big man? (Man) “I work for a law firm”. (Hughley) You work for a law firm? You’re not a lawyer are you? (Impersonating the man) “Your honor, I would like to make a motion for dismissal, at least a recess, I have to loosen up my shirt”. (Hughley pauses and laughs with audience). Ima leave yo ass alone, fuck around and jump on me, none of yall won’t do shit. It’ll be on the news tonight (impersonating a news anchor) “Today, there was an assault on comedian D.L. Hughley, there was no description of.. what… this coming in… I believe the suspect was wearing a, uh, body suit” (Audience and Hughley laugh). You know black people gonna see it “HEY BODY SUIT!” So you married? (Man nods no). Nah you can tell, you can tell you not married. You can tell this dude’s married (Hughley points to the very first man he made fun of), he ain’t got no hope in his godddamn eyes, he’s just glad to be outside at night. (To the man) What do you do big man? (Man) ”Huh”? (HughleyI) Huh? What the fuck is with this group right here? Is that your wife? No? Ayy, look at her, she went (Hughley nods his head no as his imitates the woman sitting next to the man). How long y’all been fuckin around? (The man symbols 1 year). Ah, one year, look at her (woman’s voice) “I didn’t know we were fucking around”. Hey Gary, send this young lady a drink, say its from him but it’s really from me. (The man holds a thumb up). There are some rules to this shit. If she do something freaky to you tonight, you gotta make her say my name one time here.
Y’all been great, thank y’all very much for coming out.
(Camera pans out as crowd gives Hughley a standing ovation, he walks away but then walks back up to the mic).
I’ve been doing this a long time and every time I come out here it’s one of the best audiences out there (Screems from the crowd can be heard) goddamn. And I uh, I say a lot of things that hurt some people’s feelings and I wanna tell you sincerely, if I hurt uh your feelings, fuck you if you can’t take a joke, I love y’all, thank you very much.
(Music plays, the credits roll, and Hughley leaves while the camera pans the audience).