[classical music playing] [applauding and cheering] Wow! Good evening, London. You well? -[audience] Yes! -Fabulous. You are in very safe hands this evening. I’ve been doing comedy now for, uh… money and sex. It’s going very well. I live in North London now, and a guy came up to me in the high street near where I live. He was all excited. He went… [gasps] “I didn’t recognise you!” I said, “Yeah, you did.” I should really have explained when I walked on, as well, I look like this because my dad is Irish and my mum is Roger Federer. [chuckles]
Speaking of looks, we were watching proper BBC News the other day and Liz Hurley came on the news. Not like that, obviously. Ah… But she was on the news. She was promoting some new TV show, and they did this thing. They would only get away with doing this on the news. They put her age after her name. So, it said, “Liz Hurley, 50.” And my girlfriend turned to me and went, “I hope I look that good when I’m 50.” I said, “You don’t look that good now. What do you think’s gonna happen? You’re gonna get to 49 and invent a time machine, are you? Best of luck.” Liz Hurley’s a good-looking woman. -You’d agree with that, wouldn’t you? -[audience agrees] Yeah, I mean, I don’t wanna be crude… Well, I do wanna be crude, but not till later on. I’ll ease it in. It’s a gift. Um… Liz Hurley’s a good-looking woman. Put it this way, I would ride her like a stolen bike. You look as if you may require further clarification there, sir. What I’m saying is, I would crawl over broken glass to suck the cock of the last man that fucked her. We’re all clear, we’re all clear. We’re all caught up.
Ladies spend ages getting ready for a night out. Not all of them, obviously. [audience laughing] No, you were probably in a hurry. Don’t feel bad. I was just randomly pointing down to whoever’s sat there. So, that’s… That is nothing more than a happy coincidence. Well, you’re laughing, but the eyes are fucking daggers. I’m in all kinds of trouble. My girlfriend spends ages getting ready for a night out. I’m not sure what she’s getting ready for. Disappointment is my best guess. Nando’s and a movie. That’s our classic date night. And I love the cinema. Don’t get me wrong. Love the cinema. My only issue with the cinema, it’s only a little thing, but I get annoyed by the popcorn. I think the popcorn in a cinema should have a very clear warning label on it, saying, “May contain nuts.” Because if you’re with me, it might. “I know you said you wanted salty. Wait.” Because I’ve cut a hole in the bottom of the container. And I’ve sort of placed it there. And I’ve shoved my genitals through the hole. And then when the lady I’m with has reached in to get popcorn, innocently enough, she’s touched my genitals, and that’s caused me to ejaculate. And it’s that ejaculate that’s caused the salty flavour you’re so familiar with. I’m happy to explain any and all of these as we go through. It’s clearly a mixed-ability group.
Horror films. Anyone else like horror films? [audience] Yes! I like watching horror films hiding behind the sofa, ’cause that way, my neighbours don’t know I’m there. I like those black-and-white films where no one says anything. Interracial porn. Don’t panic. I’ve checked, and that one’s fine.
Flooding. We had pretty bad flooding last year. I saw a woman on the news, in her flooded front room, crying. I thought… “Crying’s not helping. If anything, you’re making matters worse, luv.” [laughs] See, the flooding was pretty serious. We knew the flooding was serious ’cause it happened in London. That’s when you know it’s serious. It’s not as bad when it happens in the West Country, is it? Chance for them to get some use out of those webbed fingers. [audience laughing] Oh, sorry, we’re taping this this evening for Netflix, so I should explain. The West Country, sort of Louisiana. There you go. I’ll translate as we go along. Is there anyone in from the West Country? [man] Yes! Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your romantic night out with your sister. I was just making a joke. Having a bit of fun. Having fun.
Last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels. I skidded on some ice and took out three pedestrians.
I recently wrote a book about poltergeists. And I’m pleased to say it is flying off the shelves. Proper fucking jokes in this show.
My friend said to me, “What rhymes with orange?” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
How do they get all those drugs into our jails? I guess they’re smuggled in by some asshole. I’ve only given you a joke. You’ve just given me a look as if to say, “Yeah, so we do that. What’s your fucking problem?”
What do you do for a living, sir? Have a little think. I mean… I’m not busy. Relax. You’re an accountant? Where were you when I fucking needed you, mate? -[audience laughing and applauding] -Eh? No good showing up now. No good showing up now. [laughing] If you’re watching this on Netflix in America, don’t Google that. -I’m a good guy. -[audience laughing] Shh!
What a lot of comedians do on stage, is they bullshit the audience. They’ll tell an audience they’ve recently broken up with a girl. It’s bullshit. The reason they do it is to elicit sympathy from attractive female audience members, so then after the show, they’ve got that sympathy in when they’re chatting to them at the bar. They can try and sort of chat ’em up, try and pick ’em up, ultimately, try and shag them. Rest assured, I would never do that because I think it would be disrespectful to the memory of my wife. I just need to be held.
Have we got any Christians in? Is anyone here a Christian? [man] Whoo! Christian there? What’s your name, sir? Andreas. Andreas? Well, very nice to have you in. An offer just for you, Andreas. Would you be interested, Andreas, in buying some magic beans? I’m only asking you, Andreas, ’cause you are fucking gullible. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m sure Andreas won’t mind me sharing that with the group. You know you are. You believe the story of a 14-year-old girl who finds herself pregnant. And when asked about the pregnancy, as well she might be, she goes, “This? Not what you think. I was raped by a ghost.” Really, Andreas? Fast-forward 2,000 years. Jeremy Kyle, would you believe her then? Would you? Fuck! I mean, you’d watch it, but you’d watch it thinking, “Joseph, mug. Mary, slag.” Daily Mail “Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat Living in Luxury Shed.” “Have you declared that gold, frankincense and myrrh?” Andreas, you don’t look annoyed. You all right? -Yeah. -You’re fine. Of course you are.
I got a guy annoyed with that the other week. I did that bit of material, and there was a guy down the front, a middle-class guy, I got him really annoyed. You can tell when you’ve annoyed someone middle class ’cause they get a bit bobbly-headed. He had a point to make, and it was rattling around in his head. I said, “What’s your point?” He said, “I notice you make those jokes about Jesus and the Christians, but would you say that about Muhammad or the Islamic faith, I wonder?” I said, “It’s a very good point. Well made. Have you thought about blowing something up? No one’s scared of you.” Seriously, what are you gonna do, Andreas? Forgive me? I try not to censor myself on stage. I should say that early on. You know, if I think something’s funny, I think you might think it was funny as well, and then we’d all have a laugh, release some endorphins, and the world would be a very slightly better place, yeah? And if anyone’s offended, eh, fuck ’em!
But I wrote a joke recently that I worry about telling. I wrote a joke about the negative stereotypes that still prevail in our society concerning women. And I worry about telling that joke, because I worry, “Well, if I were to tell that joke and it were to be misconstrued as genuine misogyny, it could really light the fuse on some bitch’s tampon. I would feel awful. I’m not sexist. I’ve got nothing but respect for every woman I’ve ever slung one up.
Pride and Prejudice. Spoiler alert, in the end, Mr Darcy slings one up her. It’s very good.
Oh, here’s an interesting fact. The most common superstition in Britain today is a belief in horoscopes. And there’s a name for people that believe in horoscopes. They’re called single women. Are there any single ladies in? Shout, single ladies! [women] Whoo! Who’s the single lady down there, give us your… What’s your name? -[woman] Laura. -Laura? What’s your date of birth? What month? -February. -What star sign is that? [audience] Pisces. [Jimmy] Pisces. So February, and what’s the exact date? Twenty-sixth. The 26th? It’s just, you die alone. Normally, this is a really upbeat bit of the show. Nine times out of ten, Mr Right is just around the corner, but… [exhales] [laughing] Well, not alone-alone. A cat eats your face. But it’s not great news, is it? It’s not… I really hope this hasn’t ruined your last night out. So, we should find out more. What do you do? I’m a student. You’re a student. And what are you studying? -Engineering. -Engineering? -Where are you from? -China. From China? I’m fucking big in China. Well done, me. Are you living here, or you’re just… You’re visiting? And you decided, “I’ll tell you who I want to see. That fella.” You’ve made a terrible decision. This is filth. You definitely didn’t Google me in China. I’ll tell you that for nothing. There’s no way I made it past that firewall. -Um… -[audience laughing] [audience applauding and cheering] Tremendous!
Some people think it’s good luck if a bird shits on them. And they’re called German porn stars. If you don’t get it, Google it.
I find most young women make a lot of noise in the bedroom. I guess they’re not expecting to see anyone at their window.
Now, my job is writing jokes. All I’ve got to do for a living is write jokes. Pretty easy job to have. Now, sometimes, I don’t even have to do that. Sometimes, you just overhear people saying something, and you think, “Well, I can just tell people what I overheard, and that’s enough. Just report speech. That’ll do.” I had this happen recently. I was in a supermarket car park. You couldn’t find a more boring place to be. Just walking back to my car with a coffee. I overheard these two men having a conversation. It was clearly gonna be a fight, but it wasn’t a fight yet. So as I walked by, I just heard a snippet of conversation. That is all I needed. I’ll tell you what one man said to another man, we’ll all have a laugh, and we’ll move on with our lives. I heard one man say to another, “You can’t park in a disabled bay, you spastic!” [audience laughing] Shut the front door! “You can’t park in a disabled bay, you spastic”? How could you be that right and that wrong that quickly? It’s remarkable!
Of course, political correctness has changed the world. I don’t mind tackling the tough topics. Here’s my view on immigration. I sort of think these Bulgarians and these Romanians, they come over here, taking our Polish people’s jobs. [audience laughing and applauding]
People that adhere to political correctness are, in my opinion, retarded faggots. I can see some of you sitting in judgement, thinking, “‘Retarded faggots.’ That is an offensive phrase.” But it’s not that offensive a phrase. Not when you compare it to my impersonation of… a retarded faggot. “I want a cock in me. I’m a really good bummer.” That’s offensive. Compared to that, phrase doesn’t seem as bad now, does it?
I’ve been described, London, as a sex symbol. And that symbol is a question mark. Followed by a “no”. [chuckles] I’ve had sex with a lot of different woman. The first time I had sex, I wanted it to be special. Well, not special-special, but consensual. I actually didn’t lose my virginity until I was in my 20s, and, really, the reason was being fussy. Most women are really… fussy. And what made it worse was my best friend lost his virginity in year 11, which would have been pretty cool, but he was home-schooled. [audience gasps and laughs] It’s not as bad as you think. Fit mum. It could’ve been worse. It could’ve been ugly dad. Cheer up, everyone. Well, look, I’ve got the easiest job here. I just tell jokes. It doesn’t get any easier than telling jokes.
Let’s find out what other people do. Do we have any nurses in? Is anyone a nurse? -[scattered cheers] -A few nurses? You’ve got your hand up there. What kind of a nurse are you? -[inaudible] -You talk to them over the phone? -Yeah. -Are you sure… If you’re… If people think you’re dressed as a nurse, and you’re chatting to them on the phone, I think… I’m not sure… “You’re feeling very stiff, are you? I see. I think I can help.” Any other nurses? What else we got? Geriatric? Can’t go wrong with geriatric, can you? If you give ’em too much of something, and then, “Oh, he’s dead.” No one’s doing an autopsy on a 91-year-old. Fuck it, you’re fine. Any others? [woman] Intensive care! Intensive care? That’s interesting. So the other nurses… Do you care about your patients? You care? Do you care about your patients? Do you? Little bit. Not like she fucking cares. Intensively. “Hope they make it.” Any others? What else we got? [woman 1] Paediatric! [woman 2] Student! Sorry, student? We should get together and have a chat after the show ’cause I’m also not a nurse. -What, sorry? -[woman shouts indistinctly] Sorry, did you just say dental? A dental nurse? Well, I think we can all agree, that doesn’t count. -Definitely doesn’t count. No way. -[audience applauding] Are you joking? Let me ask you, sir. I don’t know what you do for a living. If I gave you a disgusting pink fluid to drink, and there was a sink there, and I said, “Rinse”, -would you be able to… -[inaudible] …work out where to spit it? You would? We don’t need you! We don’t need you. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “Some asshole’s got my pen.”
Social networking sites. Are you all on the social networking sites? [audience] Yeah! They’re bloody good, aren’t they? They help people to meet people. That’s what they do brilliantly. I’ve got a friend of mine, gay friend of mine, joined Grindr a couple of weeks ago, and his social life has been such a whirlwind, he’s hardly been able to sit down. That’s a joke about super-aggressive anal sex. You got that? Well, that is to your credit.
Lesbians get a lot out of Internet dating. I’ll explain. We’ve all got pretty good gaydar these days, haven’t we? We’re all familiar with gaydar, the term, yes? [man] Yeah, yes. So gaydar is the voice in your head that, when you meet a gay guy, goes, “Oh, a gay guy.” If you say out loud, “Bummer on the loose! Bummer on the loose!” That is homophobia. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Yeah, I just said that. Deal with it. But with lesbians, the gaydar certainly needs to be more finely tuned, doesn’t it? For the lesbians, it needs to be more finely tuned. But, yeah, sometimes, it’s very difficult to know whether a woman is a lesbian or just a regular girl in a very bad mood. [audience laughing] And if you’re a lesbian, and you didn’t find that funny, well, you’ve proved my point for me. Are there any lesbians in? Does anyone favour the flatter shoe? [scattered whistling] Any lady golfers? Is anyone here “allergic to nuts”? Would any of the women in here describe themselves as crack addicts? [audience laughing] Or vagitarian? Seriously, are there any lesbians in? [scattered cheers] [audience laughing and applauding] Well, you’re definitely one of the butcher ones, aren’t ya? Maybe there are none in. That would be a very weird thing. Maybe no one’s full-time.
Gay dudes pretty much go full-time, don’t they? You meet very few bisexual men. I’ve met, like, a handful in my life. Of bisexual men. They’re like fucking unicorns. Men make a decision about dicks early on. Either, “This one’s good. The rest can fuck off.” Or, “These are all delicious!” [gurgling] It’s one or the other forever.
Whereas, with the lesbians, it could be a mood thing, can’t it? It could be a mood thing. “Spaghetti” is, I believe, the term. Straight until wet. [audience groaning and laughing] If you’re not laughing, you’re learning. And that’s great, too. Great to learn.
We had a lovely lesbian couple in recently. They were sitting sort of front and centre. And I got chatting to them. And, you know, as well I might, I said, “Girls, what would it take to get you back on solids?” And one of the girls, quick as a flash, went, “12 inches.” I said, “Well, I could give you 12 inches… in three instalments.”
Of course, the big question, at the moment, globally, is “Should gay men be allowed to get married?” And I’m a liberal. I say yes, as long as they find the right woman.
I could have been gay. I failed the oral. Don’t neglect the balls. There’s a lesson. [chuckles]
There is one sexual grouping that annoys me in society, one grouping. And it’s actually heterosexual men. It’s only been the last couple of years.
8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. As a result of doing that show, I’m now associated with Rachel Riley. -And as a result of that… -[audience cheers] Well, this is the problem. I’ll be on trains, in bars, hotels, wherever I happen to be. Men will come up to me. They won’t even say hello to me. They’ll just come up to me and go, “Rachel Riley. I’d give her one!” “Well, she’ll be thrilled. How can we get in touch?” I mean, I get it. Rachel Riley is a very attractive woman. If she was my daughter, I’d still be bathing her. [audience exclaiming and laughing] True story. Um… But let’s be realistic. I’m 43 years of age. Rachel Riley is 28. I look at her and think, “Aw, if only you were ten years younger.”
The thing that’s annoying about straight men, as well, it’s all about surface. Just about looks and nothing else. It’s never about her mind. And her mind is the extraordinary thing. She’s so clever. She’s like a walking, talking Stephen Hawking. She’s brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage ceiling. [audience exclaiming and laughing] Too soon? Fuck him. He was always shooting his mouth off.
I think everyone’s here. Is there an empty seat there in the middle? You haven’t been stood up for a date, have you, madam? -No. -No? -It’s her carer. -It’s her carer? [audience laughing] Someone’s not getting laid tonight, but totally worth it, sir. Well played. -100% worth it. -[audience applauding] Good on you.
I had great latecomers the other week. So, I think everyone’s here, but I had great latecomers the other week. So I was playing this venue, and it had a wooden floor. And this couple walked in about, you know, half an hour into the show. They walked in, and the lady had really clumpy shoes on. So as she walked in, it was, like, the loudest thing you’ve ever heard, as she walked in. And it really pulled focus, and they sat sort of front and centre. And so, I thought, “Well, I’d better say hello.” I said, “Well, how come you guys are late?” And the guy said, really aggressively, he said, “She’s pregnant.” Immediately, I’m on the back foot. I went, “Right. When’s it due?” And he went, “About nine months.” Fucking legend!
Now some of you sent me text messages during the evening, and thank you very much. And some of you sent me text messages, and fuck you very much. I’ll show you what I mean.
First one in. “Jimmy, are you disappointed that instead of being hung like a donkey, you laugh like one?” [audience laughing and applauding] [laughing] I really wish I didn’t laugh at that. Especially like that.
“What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke? Your mum can’t take a joke.”
“Can you stop dissing my dad? Thanks, Jesus.” Is that Andreas? Have you got an emoji of a church on your phone? Tragic. [chuckles]
“Went to my daughter’s netball finals the other day! What a semi!” [laughing]
“Hey, Jimmy. It’s mine and my boyfriend’s one year. Threesome?” Well, whose one-year anniversary is it? Where are you? Hello, how are you? Can I just have a look? Nah, I’ll be all right, thanks. [audience laughing]
“What is your stance on midget porn?” Like a deep lunge. [audience laughing] Sorry, sir, we made eye contact. I really feel like we’re in this together now, mate. That’s tough on the hamstrings.
“Please, can you take the piss out of my fiancée? She’s five months pregnant and ginger.” [audience laughing] [laughing] Where’s the ginger pregnant lady? Where are you? I’m not gonna take the piss. I’ll say to you what I say to all ginger women I meet who are pregnant. Well done! Well done. You tricked someone into fucking that! [laughing]
“I became a proud dad today. My son is actually four, but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.” [laughing] There’s a ring of truth there, isn’t there? “He doesn’t do much. He can’t even kick a fucking ball.”
“Hi, Jimmy. What would you do to make a wedding day stand out and be even more special?” Leave her at the aisle. Who’s getting married? Who sent me that? Who’s… You two are getting married? You are… I mean, I don’t want to be rude to you, sir. You seem like a lovely fella, but you are punching way above your weight. That’s unbelievable. How have you done that? Has she got low self-esteem or have you got money? What’s going on? You can’t see it, but this is… I mean, they’re like different species. This is… Well played, man, well played. Well, madam, I’ve got a tip for you. Or if you like, I could put the whole thing in. [audience laughing] [Jimmy laughs] She said yes, yeah? She hasn’t said much so far. You’re 100% sure she’s gonna marry you? [mouthing] She’s wearing the ring. She’s wearing the ring? Yeah, ’cause girls hate jewellery. I remember now. Fucking terrific. Well played. Go on, what else have we got?
“My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said, ‘Son, that’s three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn’t for you.'” [audience laughing] [laughing]
“Hey, Jimmy, what would be your advice for finding my friend David a girlfriend? Thanks.” Right, where’s David? Hey, David. How are you, mate? [David] I’m good. And you’re looking for… How long have you been single? -Too long. -Too long? Not to worry. Do you like engineering students? Of course you fucking do. What do you think? [David replies indistinctly] You don’t… Sorry. “I don’t live in this country”? Sir, do you remember earlier when she was a student in this country, studying engineering? She’s giving all that up… not to be with you, but to make sure it doesn’t happen. That is a… What do you do? -I work in a gym. -You work in a gym? Okay. And do you… Do you know that you’re gay yet, or not? [audience laughing] ‘Cause I know this can be a tough way to find out, but I’ve got the super… I’ve got, like, the deluxe gaydar, and it turns out what you like is not that. You work in a gym, do ya? Hmm… Are you muscly? Why am I seducing a man now? This doesn’t seem… [laughing] I’m gonna try and sleep with him just to prove a point. Come on. Did any other single ladies see him and like the idea? -[women] Whoo! -You… I, well… That sounded like… I mean, I’ve also got “slagdar”. That… I mean, it might not be a relationship, but that will fuck you in half.
What else we got? “Jimmy, I went to the gym last week, and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Anyway, she made a formal complaint, and I’m banned for life.” [laughing] It’s a shame that wasn’t a “he made a formal complaint.” That would’ve been perfect. [chuckles]
“What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?” I don’t know, what is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? “I wouldn’t pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.” [laughing] The Lego Movie.” [audience cheering] “Don’t let them take the piss out of your clothes, Jimmy. That’s the best material you’ve got.” [audience laughing and applauding] So mean. Quite enough of that. [laughing] Thanks for those.
My girlfriend gets annoyed by my loud chewing, but I don’t complain about the pubes in my teeth. It’s a joke! My girlfriend hasn’t got pubes. Yet. [audience laughing] If you only laughed when I said “yet”, you’re a bad person. There’s something you can get, gentlemen, if you have, or you perceive that you have, a small penis. It’s called an Audi convertible. Have you got an Audi convertible? She just gave you a look like something in the joke related to you. You’re saying it definitely wasn’t the car. Okay… [laughs]
-What do you do for a living, sir? -I’m an osteopath. An osteopath. Okay. I mean, just say masseuse if you mean masseuse. Tired businessman away from home. Full of questions. Curious as to what an osteopath might do. And what about you, the other half? What do you do? -I’m his sister. -You’re his sister? [audience exclaims] Um, well, I don’t approve. You’re not the other half. You’re his sister. Okay. And you guys, you’re just out on a Saturday night… on a date. This is the worst Tinder has ever got it. It’s my birthday present. This is your birthday present? Well, I… Well, happy birthday. I can’t ask your age ’cause you’re a lady, but, um, how much do you weigh? Go on, what, what… Is it a big birthday? -Is it a big birthday, small birthday? -Twenty-three. Twenty-three? You’re so young. Well, look, why don’t we make it special? After the show, come backstage, and I’ll finger blast you. [audience laughing] It’s a joke. I’ll fuck her.
All the teachers at my school were really strict. I remember every Monday morning, I had to give the deputy head.
Now, I keep on getting asked, “Why aren’t there more female stand-up comedians?” It should be 50-50, right? ‘Cause the population is 50-50. Men and women laugh at the same things. We think of the same funny things to say in life. So it should be 50-50, the sort of proportion of comedians on stage. But it isn’t. And I was wondering why. I think it’s ’cause women have an ability that men don’t possess. Women have the ability to think of something funny to say, and then not say it. Because it might “hurt someone’s feelings” or be inappropriate. Well, men don’t really have that gear. What we’ve got is probably best described as Joke Tourette’s. If we think something might be funny, we are fucking saying it. Not later on, when everyone’s calmed down. Right fucking now. We could be at your mum’s funeral. “All right, luv, she’s not the only thing that’s stiff. Well, nothing ventured. She was already in a terrible mood. Lovely spread, she’s got a face on. There’s no pleasing some people.”
My Joke Tourette’s occasionally gets me into, like, proper trouble. Have we got any police in? Any police officers? -[woman] Whoo! -Oh, there’s one over there? Look, I got stopped speeding. Not the worst thing I’ve done. Face facts. So I got pulled over for speeding, right? And the police officer came round to the window of the car and did the usual thing of going, “Do you know how fast you were going?” I said, “I’m sorry, Officer. Clearly too fast. I’m so sorry.” Couldn’t have been nicer and more middle class about the whole thing. And he went, “Eighty-eight miles an hour!” And I said, “I was trying to get back to 1955.” Three fucking points on my licence. Would you have let me off? -[woman] No! -No? What, you think 88’s too fast to be doing in a 30 zone during the day? In my defence, I was fucking hammered. I hate oversleeping, waking up and suddenly realising, “Ah! I’m in the wrong lane!”
Must be tough being an air hostess. Their ears must pop all the time, what with sucking the pilot’s cock so hard. Joking. I’m sure they get used to it. PC thinks it’s helping, but I’m not sure political correctness really changes anything. Because of political correctness, you’re not meant to say “air hostess” any more, are you? You’re meant to say, if it’s a woman, “sky waitress”, and if it’s a man, “homosexual”. Doesn’t really change anything.
I joke a lot about sexism and misogyny, just because I view them as ridiculous, sort of, risible things in our society. But when you hear a story about someone being actually sexist, it blows your mind that people could be that ignorant.
I heard a story recently. I was flying to New York, and I got chatting to the flight crew. They told me what had happened the week before. I’ll tell you the story. So, you know when the pilot does the little Tannoy announcement at the beginning of a flight? He does the little, “Hello, I’m your captain, Jonathan, and we’re flying at 38,000 feet to New York today.” And you’re sitting there, flicking through a magazine, thinking, “Couldn’t give a fuck who you are. And I know where we’re going. It says it on the ticket.” You don’t get that anywhere else, do you? You don’t get that in the back of a taxi. “Hello, my name’s Eric, and we’re going to your house.” “Wind your neck in, Eric. Drive the car.”
So, on this occasion, it happened to be a female pilot. So it was, “Hello, my name’s Sharla, I’m your pilot today, and we’re flying at 38,000 feet to New York.” And this guy on the flight undid his seat belt, got up, got his hand luggage down from the overhead, and started walking down the aisle. So the cabin crew are having a little hissy fit. They said, “Sir, you’ve got to sit down. We’re about to take off.” He said, “No, I’m getting off.” They said, “What’s the problem?” He said, “Woman driver.” What a fucking lunatic! It’s not as if she had to reverse it into New York. [audience laughing]
I don’t know about you, London, but I get terrified flying at the best of times. ‘Cause you never know how reliable or durable the condom in your stomach is gonna be. Do you all listen to the safety announcement when you fly? -[audience] No! -You’ve got to! Otherwise, you’re not gonna know where your whistle is when a maniac blows you out of the fucking sky. [whistling] “Take that, ISIS!” [whistling] [audience cheering and applauding] For all the fucking good it does, the crash position might as well be that. “Hope we don’t die.” Doesn’t matter. I mean, the bad news is, when a 747 crashes or blows up, everyone dies. The good news is you don’t have to listen to the safety announcement. There’s really no point. You’re never in a bar the night after a plane crash, with a friend, going, “It’s awful, isn’t it? Did you read about that? Three-hundred people. What a terrible thing. What an awful way to go. How shocking.” Someone at the bar never goes, “Plane crash? Couldn’t help but overhear. Yeah, I was in one of those. Nah, I was fine. Thank you. Well, no, ’cause I was sat like that. So the fireball went round me. The guy next to me, though? Decapitated. It’s his own fault, really. He had the tray table down. What was he hoping for? No, no, at 3,000 miles from land. Right in the middle of the Pacific, yeah. No, they found me straight away, about ten minutes. How?” [whistling] [audience applauding]
Has anyone ever made the right amount of pasta? That’s my little toe in the water of observational comedy. I’m not really sure if it’s for me. Obviously, if I was any good at observational comedy, you know, I’d probably get five minutes of fun out of that. [inhales sharply] You’re on your own.
Is anyone here gluten-free? [scattered cheers] You’re gluten-free? Fun fact for you. It is possible to be gluten-free and shut the fuck up. No one cares. [laughs]
I don’t like spending too much time with my girlfriend’s family because her husband is getting suspicious.
My girlfriend was in the park doing one of those “race for life” things. When I say “race for life”, she was fleeing a rapist. It’s how we met.
I tend not to get heckled that much any more. I used to get heckled a lot. -I kind of– -[loud noise] [audience laughing] [laughing] That was properly Tourette’s-y. Well played. People with Tourette’s, what makes them tick? [audience gasps and laughs]
But genuinely, I like it when people join in at shows. I got the best heckle of my career last year, at someone else’s show. I went to see another comedian up in Edinburgh, my friend Nick Helm, and I got heckled at his show. That is not what should happen. That is what happened. And I was sat at the back. It’s about 200 people in the room. I was sat at the back, trying to stifle my laugh. I’ve got a weird laugh. I laugh on an in, not an out. So instead of going “ha, ha”, like a normal human might, I go… [laughs] It’s weird, right? [continues laughing] It’s a weird, honking goose of a laugh. [laughing] But if I know I’m gonna be laughing, and I knew I was gonna be laughing at my friend’s show. So I was sat at the back, and I was kind of repressing my laugh. I was… Closed mouth, and sort of keeping it locked down. I was… [stifled laughter] It sounded like someone had smuggled in an owl. [stifled laughter] But there I was for the first 20 minutes, just sat at the back very quietly… [stifled laughter] About 20 minutes into the show, he did a song on stage, and I found it hilarious. I had a proper, full-on laughing fit. Like proper… [laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] It sounded fucking mental. It sounded like a seal getting finger-blasted, is what it sounded like. And Nick just stopped the show… and went, “All right, Jimmy? I don’t laugh when I come to see your shows.”
Well, with that in mind, why don’t we have a proper heckle amnesty. If you would like to have a heckle, this would be the ideal time. -Not– -[man] Wanker! [man 2] You look like you fucked a pig! I look like I fucked a pig? Do I still owe your mum money? Is she annoyed, is she? [audience cheering and applauding] There you go. Sorry, ma’am, I haven’t got any coins on me.
-[man] My partner thinks you’re too crude. -Your partner thinks I’m too crude? So she’s been brought along to the show and it’s not really for her? Are you going to make it up to her somehow later on? Yeah. Maybe pop a thumb in her ass while you’re fucking her? [Jimmy laughing]
Madam, you can’t sink down any lower in that seat. That is as low… That’s as low as that… [whimpers] [laughing]
[man] When does the comedy start? When does the comedy start? -[audience booing] -It’s a classic. It’s a classic heckle, right?
What’s your name, sir? [man] Rack! Like shoe rack? You’re called Rack? Where are you, Rack, up there or down there? Loving your work, Rack. It’s one of those things. If you don’t think the comedy’s started, you’re right. And if you think the comedy has started, you’re right. ‘Cause it’s a very individual thing, isn’t it? And if the show’s not for you, it’s not for you. I feel bad if you paid all this money to come and see me, and you don’t think it’s funny. You’ve had a disaster. But I suppose, Rack, you have learnt a valuable lesson. You’ve learned life’s not fair. You pays your money, you takes your chance, sometimes it’s a good show, sometimes it’s not for you. But I’ll give you another example, Rack, so you haven’t had a wasted evening. At least you’ve learned something.
Another example of how unfair, Rack, our society is. Let’s say, if a man… You or I, sir, let’s say, if a man sleeps with loads and loads of women. What is he? He’s a stud, he’s a player, he’s admired in our society. That isn’t an opinion, that’s fact. If a guy sleeps with loads of women, he’s a player, he’s a stud, he’s admired. But if a woman sleeps with loads and loads of men, she’s called Rack’s mum. [audience laughing and applauding] [cheering] I’m fairly… It’s all right for me to say that ’cause Rack’s mum’s not gonna be here, is she? Saturday night? You’re having a laugh. It’s her busiest evening. She does a special two for one. This sort of stage on a Saturday night, I imagine Rack’s mum looks like a plasterer’s radio. [audience laughing] What was that, Rack? [Rack] Your face is like a 42-inch widescreen TV! My face is like a 42-inch widescreen… TV? In that… -[Rack] It’s very wide! -It’s very wide? [stammers] Okay. Um, I’ve just… I’ve just said that your mum’s a prostitute. And… And you just said, “Your face is wide.” I don’t… Rack, I don’t… I’m not sure if you know how this works. I’ll tell you why it’s wide as well. [babbles] All that, it’s… It… [Jimmy laughing] Aw, bless him.
Um… Any other heckles? Should we do one more?
[man] How about a heckle not involving mothers, girlfriends, or sex?
A heckle not involving girlfriends, mothers, or sex. Well, where are you from, sir? Let’s do one.
[man] Canada!
You’re from Canada? So you’re an American, but you’re not armed. [audience laughing] Ah… Aw, well, Canadians are always… Whenever I meet a Canadian, they always explain to me, “No, I’m not an American.” I get the same thing with New Zealand and Australian people, they sort of go, “No, I’m not Australian. I’m actually from New Zealand.” I think they’re mistaking me for someone who gives a fuck. Are there any Australians in? [scattered cheers] Well, welcome back. You’ve paid your debt, you’ve returned to the scene of the crime. [laughing] [gasps]
Someone over there. Hello. [chuckles] Who the fuck is that? Hello, who? The Shining? [Jimmy chuckles] Steadicam, I love… Fucking hell. Look how my ego’s gotten out of control. Who… Are you filming him? I mean, I don’t want to be a dick about it, but I feel like the action’s really up here. You’re just filming a fat dude in the second row. Okay, fine.
[man] Oh!
What do you mean, “Oh”? He’s got a mirror in his house. He fucking knows. He’s all right. [applauding] [Jimmy laughing]
-So…
-[man] Oi, you posh twat! [audience gasps]
Oh! Well, a fun fact for you. Your girlfriend’s got two cunts. She’s sat next to one of them, isn’t she? [audience laughing and applauding] I’m sorry. I called you a cunt there. I’m terribly sorry. I’m sure you don’t have the depth or the capacity to give pleasure. [audience gasping and applauding]
I went to a proper showbiz party recently, and Brad Pitt was there. And they say, “Never meet your heroes”, but I think Brad handled it really well.
A lot of people think cooking your partner a meal is the most romantic gesture you could make. The least romantic gesture, if you’re interested, is this. On my birthday… I’m a very lucky man. On my birthday, my girlfriend likes to wake me up with oral sex. Last year, I nearly suffocated. No, last year, on my birthday, my girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, genital warts.
You can tell a lot about a woman from looking at her shoes. For example, if they’re behind her ears, she likes you.
When a man changes his status on Facebook from “single” to “in a relationship”, I think it should say, “under new management”.
Now, some couples… Are there couples in? Give a shout, all the couples in the room. [audience cheers] -Loads of… -[woman] Whoo! Sorry, mate. That’s sort of rubbing it in, isn’t it? [laughing] There are some couples who are very free and easy with their bodily functions. They don’t mind their partner being in the bathroom while they’re taking nature’s call of a morning. Their partner could be brushing their teeth while they’re taking care of business. I think we all know what I’m saying. And there’s a name for those people. They’re called… fucking animals. You disgust us. I’ve got some advice for the men in the room. Okay, I’m gonna keep this simple ’cause men are inherently simple creatures. Gentlemen, I’ll just say it. Gentlemen, never say “fanny fart”. It’s a good example of your Joke Tourette’s. Not everything in life needs to be a little joke. Actually, a lot of ladies are very self-conscious when they do a muff puff. The last thing they want is you making a joke about their massive cunt grunt.
Embarrassing Bodies? -[audience] Yes! -It’s a fabulous piece of television. Embarrassing Bodies? So, we play a game in our house. Embarrassing Bodies with their medical problems before seeing the doctor, we pause the TV and try and guess what is up with that. So this girl, this 18-year-old girl, pretty little thing, Embarrassing Bodies. We pause the TV and try and guess what the problem might be. We could’ve been there all week, we wouldn’t have got it. She was having surgery on her nuni. On her vajayjay, her twinkle cave. Her peachy pocket. And the thing was, there was nothing the matter with her cunt. Perfectly healthy piece of equipment. She was having, get this, cosmetic surgery on her vagina. And me and my girlfriend paused the TV. We went, “Well, the world’s gone mad.” That isn’t a medical problem. That’s a psychological problem. If anything, that’s a societal problem. That a girl’s self-esteem could be that low at that tender age that she feels she needs to go under the knife in order to live up to some idealised version of what she thinks her genitals should look like ’cause she’s seen something online. That’s crazy. That’s body dysmorphia. And they shouldn’t be facilitating that kind of madness on what is normally a very socially responsible show. -[man] Yeah! -Yeah. So we unpaused the TV, and as soon as we… It’s a very visceral programme. So they cut back to a close-up of her most intimate lady garden, bathing suit area. And both me and my girlfriend agreed. We both said, “Well, that needs fucking fixing! It’s like a badly packed kebab. [audience gasps and laughs] Who has garlic mayo and chilli sauce? What the fuck?” I thought I’d never seen one I didn’t like. She had a fanny like a kicked-over trifle! Apologies to any ladies in with… fannies like kicked-over trifles.
It’s quite rough from here on in, people. Strap in! Are there doctors in? I know there’s nurses. Are there doctors and nurses? Give us a shout, all of you. -[scattered cheers] -Quite a few of you around. The thing that impresses me about doctors is not what should impress me. It’s not the fact that they can save lives. That’s what should impress me. No. What impresses me about doctors is their ability not to recoil in terror. Doctors look at stuff every day. They look at stuff and they go, [sniffs] “Oh, that’s a bit… It’s a bit whiffy. It’s a little bit gamey. Oh, oh… I can… I can smell that in my eyes. We’re gonna try and help you with that.” Ooh… Whereas you or I would go, “Why the fuck are you showing me that, you monster? Throw yourself off something!”
I asked a doctor recently, I got chatting to this doctor. [chuckles] I said, “What’s the thing that’s made you want to recoil in terror the most in all your years of doctoring?” Right? And I thought he’d have to think about it. Straightaway, he came back. He went, “A 95-year-old vagina.” [audience groaning] I said, “I’ve seen one of those. It was on a 30-year-old Scouse girl.” It’s not the years, it’s the mileage, innit? [laughs] Oh, if you’re watching this in America, for “Scouse girl”, read “New Jersey”.
I’ve got a question for everyone in here. Who here has had bad sex? [scattered shouting] Who’s not saying ’cause they’re with the person they had the bad sex with? Have you ever had a girl cry during sex? That’s a weird thing. I suppose women are more emotionally engaged with their physical being. That or the balaclava scared her.
Should we talk about the weird shit people do sexually?
-[audience] Yes!
-Correct. We shall. My ex-girlfriend used to like to be choked during sex. I’m 90% sure. We only tried it once. If anything, I was too good at it.
Have you all heard of the donkey punch?
[audience] Yeah!
The donkey punch is where you’re having the fun, Greek-style bum sex anal action with a lady, yeah? And just as you’re about to finish, nut, ejaculate, come, we’re all clear. Just as you’re about to… [clears throat] You, um… You punch her in the back of the head. Now… Now I know that sounds cray-cray in a bad way, but hear me out. Any medical professional will tell you, when you punch someone in the back of the head, all the sphincters of the body, of which your bum is one, all the sphincters are on lockdown. They all go, “Whoa! The fuck was that? Whoa!” It’s like a submarine locking off compartments. “Whoa! No one in, no one out. What the fuck? Whoa!” That “whoa” is a very fun way to end proceedings. Now obviously, you don’t have to punch your partner in the back of the head to get that kind of result.
How long have you guys been together? Five years? So, a long-term, loving relationship. Congratulations, guys. So, sir, just turn, look your partner in the eyes and say, “Look, later on, when I’m fucking you in the ass, would you mind clenching the sphincter of your anus just as I’m about to ejaculate?” Just have that conversation now. Just… Away you go. [pops lips] You’re right not to, sir. You’re 100% right not to. It’s… Even after five years in a loving relationship with a beautiful woman, it’s still too awkward a conversation. Take your chances. I don’t know much about women, but I know this. It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
The seagull? You all heard of the seagull? It starts well and ends horrifically. There’s a pattern emerging here, I’m sure you realise. So this is where you’re making love to a lady on the beach, yeah? So everyone’s melted away at the end of a lovely summer’s day. And you find yourself under the moon and the stars on the beach. So far, so good. You decide to be spontaneous, and make love to your partner. Fantastic. The seagull is where you whip it out, pop it in the sand, and then stick it back in. [audience exclaims and groans] I know! It’s called the seagull because she goes… [mimics seagull]
Have I missed any? What other kind of craziness have we heard of? [scattered indistinct shouting] -What? Was that “angry pirate”? -[man] Yeah. Angry pirate. Well, that’s… Okay, that’s when a lady’s going down on you, and you decide, “I’m not having enough fun. I need more fun in my life.” So just as you’re about to finish, you pull out and come in her eye. Not eyes. Eye. Singular. It’s like a trick shot. And then as she gets up to deal with that situation. “What’s going on there?” You then kick her in the shin. And what you’re hoping for is the, “Ar, ar, ar…” of the angry pirate.
What other sexual weirdness have we heard of? [man] Spider-Man! The Spider-Man is a thing. So, that’s fairly vanilla. That’s when you’re behind a lady. That’s key to the operation. You’re behind the lady, and you’re working your magic. And then you… She’s facing that way. That’s key. You pull out, catch. Women are inquisitive creatures. She’ll want to know what’s going on. “What’s happening back there?” “Spider-Man!” There’s a Spider-Man, there’s also a Superman. The Superman’s where you come across a lady’s shoulder blades, grab a sheet, pop that down. And then you’re hoping when she gets up, she has a cape. So, there’s Spider-Man, Superman.
There’s also a Batman. I was doing a show the other night, and a bloke went, “Batman!” I said, “What’s the Batman?” He went, “Kill her parents.” [audience laughing]
Teenage boys masturbate a lot. Nothing to be ashamed of. When I was a teenage boy, I had a sock called the Dream Catcher. We’re all familiar with the danger wank, yes? Very much the preserve of the teenage boy. It’s where you’ve taken matters into your own hands. Some hand-to-gland combat. You’re knocking one out, having a wank. But you don’t just want the sexual gratification, you also want a frisson of excitement. Some adrenaline pumping through your veins. So mid-wank, you call for someone in the house you do not have a sexual relationship with, and then try and finish said wank before they arrive. The classic, of course, “Mum! Mum!” And then try and… I mean, obviously, it could end in tears. You could end up glazing your mum like a doughnut. [audience groans and laughs] Shall I just leave the phrase “glazing your mum like a doughnut” hanging in the air? I’ve looked at so much Internet porn, the virus my computer has is HIV. We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently, and my girlfriend said, well, some of you may share the sentiment. She said, “I don’t get porn. Why would I want to watch two people have sex?” I said, “Two? People? Now you’ve lost me.” Has anyone here ever looked at porn online? [scattered cheers] Oh, really? About 15 people? Well, what a statistical anomaly you are, London. So I was looking at some gentlemen’s special interest material recently on the Internet, and this ad popped up for a penis-enlargement cream. I thought, “Well, I’ll read on. I’m not buying a fucking Audi.” Um… Basically it said, “Rub this cream on your penis and it’ll get bigger.” I thought, “Well, I’ll stop you there. Rub your penis without the cream, it’ll get bigger.” That is the nature of rubbing and penises. They bloody love it! Second thing, if this stuff actually worked, wouldn’t the guy in the after photos in the advert also have massive hands? He did not. I got in trouble for a joke last year. Now, I don’t mind getting in trouble for a joke if it’s worth it. If it’s, like, a really edgy joke. I got in trouble for a joke that’s so mild. I said, “Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me. And I never thought I’d hear myself say that.” We got, like, 50 letters of complaint from the National Association of the Deaf. And what I wanna know is, who told them? I said I was sorry. Would they listen? I got talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours. We just clicked. Fucking anthropology jokes. I’ve got it all. [laughs] I was gonna give you some advice, ladies and gentlemen. Little bit of advice. If you get bitten by a dangerous dog, like a Staffordshire bull terrier, any dog whose jaw locks when it bites you, what you’re meant to do is stick a finger… How can I put this politely? Up the ass. Now, key thing I was not made aware of, it’s got to be the dog’s ass. Can’t just be a passer-by you like the look of. Or your own. Sharks. Sharks are twice as likely, twice as likely to bite a woman as a man. So, gentlemen, if you’re swimming with a woman, and you see a shark, here’s what you do. You punch it as hard as you can on the nose, and you throw it towards the shark. Here’s some advice. Women aren’t meant to go camping when they’ve got their period, because what’s the point in taking you if you’re not gonna fuck us? [audience exclaiming and laughing] It’s a joke. They’re actually worried if you’re menstruating and you go camping, you might attract a bear… and then bite its fucking head off for no good reason. It’s basic bear safety is what it is. Basic bear safety. [audience cheering and applauding] That is, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much my show. Oh, there is a collection after the show. It’s not a charity thing. It’s not for my taxes. We’re actually raising money for a sex change operation for my brother. I don’t want to go into too much in the way of detail. Suffice it to say, it is the ultimate practical joke. He’s going to wake up the day after his stag do, with a terrible hangover and amazing tits. It’s gonna be huge. Now, should we… It’s that sort of stage of the evening. It’s late on, right? -Should we try some rough stuff? -[audience] Yeah! If you drink or smoke during pregnancy, you can lose the baby. It’s worth a shot before you splash out on another abortion. -[audience laughing] -[scattered] Oh! Don’t give me the “oh”. I’m not made of coat hangers, am I? [audience gasping and laughing] That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people that thought that was funny and then there are good people. Um… I get away with murder in jokes. I think ’cause they’re so clearly jokes. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Possibly a “ooh”. But it’s so clearly a joke. It’s not an opinion. I’m not trying to change your mind about anything. I’m just trying to make you laugh. But actually, my dirty secret is, sometimes, when I’m at home writing jokes of a day, I look back at what I’ve done, and I’ll just go, “Well, that isn’t transgressive, or taboo, or edgy. That’s just wrong. That’s just 100% wrong.” And then, another bit of me, quite a big bit, goes, “Yeah, funny though.” If we’re gonna be fancy about it, it’s cognitive dissonance. It’s two opposing thoughts in my head at the same time. I think, “It’s wrong. It’s funny.” Is it okay to say something that’s 100% wrong if it’s funny enough? [audience] Yeah! Well, you say that, but it’s not like 100% wrong where you’ll go, “What are you like? Cheeky!” You’re much more likely to go “ugh”. -Shall we give it a go? -[audience] Yeah! Okay. If I was to say to you… It’s about language being boring, if it’s about anything. If I was to say to you I was with a girl, and she was really aroused. Well, firstly, you might be surprised. Secondly, bored. That is a boring way of speaking. “I was with a girl. She was really aroused.” Boring. But if I was to say to you, “I was with a girl. She was wetter than a spastic’s chin!” [audience laughing and applauding] That’s the only difficult thing about doing comedy, is to know where to draw the line, right? It’s difficult to know where to draw the line. I’ve got a friend of mine whose father has Parkinson’s. And I was chatting to him and his father. I was round at theirs, having tea, and they asked, they said, “Well, what can you joke about, and what can’t you joke about? Would it be okay, for example, to joke about Parkinson’s?” And I was like, “Mmm…” [audience laughing] It’s quite funny when I say it. When his father tried to retell that joke to his mum… Ha! [audience gasping and laughing] I’d like to end the evening this evening Charlie Hebdo. I don’t know if you’re aware of them. They have a satirical magazine in France, and they tell jokes. And because they tell jokes, some people that couldn’t take a fucking joke shot them. It’s terrible. I’d like to do a joke in solidarity with those guys. -For the end of the gig. Yeah. -[audience applauding] Whenever I see footage of a mosque… Can anyone else feel a tension in the room? Whenever I see footage of a mosque… This one’s also for you, Andreas, the Christian. I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender. I don’t care who your imaginary friend is. I think it’s all pretty fucking risible. Whenever I see footage of a mosque on the news or in a documentary, everyone bowing their heads to pray, Guess Who? And someone’s just said, “Does he have a beard?” [audience laughing] [applauding]
Listen, I’ve been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. [audience cheering and applauding]
