In the film’s spy sub-plot, set before the events of the performance, Kevin is an agent for MI6 [Agent 0054] and attends a poker game event with his date Money Berry [Halle Berry], only for it to go horribly wrong.
In the performance portion, which takes up most of the film, was filmed live on August 30, 2015 in front of 53,000 people, at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Financial Field.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
Philadelphia, make some fucking noise!
No. That’s not good enough for me. Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium out tonight. So I need to hear that! I need to hear that! So I’ma ask my city one more time… Philadelphia, make some fucking noise!
Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Goddamn it, we about to get loose. I can honestly say that the city of Philadelphia has my back. Is it safe to say that, Philly? It’s safe to say that. I think it’s only right that I show Philadelphia that love back. Can I see Philadelphia behind me? Can I do that, please? Can I see my city behind me? We about to have a good time tonight. We love you, Kevin! The name of this show is called What Now?, people. The reason why I decided to call it What Now?, is because that’s the question that I get the most. “Kevin, what the fuck are you gonna do now?” I love that question because I always have an answer for it. I’m alive. I’m still experiencing shit, which still means I have stuff to talk about.
For example, people, I’m engaged. I’m about to get married again soon. Okay?
Yes. I told my lady, I said, before we get married, we gotta move. I did tell her that. It’s not that I don’t like where we live. I just don’t like the area. It’s not the house, it’s the area. See, I don’t wanna be in Hollywood, staring at all the Hollywood shit. So I moved out to the suburbs. Fucked around, moved around a bunch of wildlife. I don’t like the animals around my house. This is real shit right now. Right now, I have a raccoon problem, people. Not raccoons. A raccoon. One raccoon. This raccoon’s a bitch. I can’t stand this raccoon. I got glass doors in the back of my house, right? I’m sitting in the living room, I can see into my backyard through the glass doors. Outta nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors. But not like a raccoon should, not on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. Motherfucker walked up to the doors like this, swear to God. This is real shit. Scared the shit outta me. It looked like a N i g g a was walking in my backyard. That’s what it looked like. I saw him, I said, “Oh, shit! “Look at that goddamn raccoon right there!” He saw me, I see him, we’re looking at each other. This is what scared the shit outta me. To get a better look in my house, he put his hand on the glass, and started looking in the window. I see him, he see me. He starts fucking with the locks. [GRUNTING] When he couldn’t get in, he got mad. He fake shot at me twice. Bang, bang! Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark.
This is a true story. You gotta understand, people, I don’t like raccoons. I can’t stand raccoons because I don’t like the way they look. They look like criminals. They got a black mask, gloves. Everything about a raccoon says crime. My lady gets home, I said, “Babe, we gotta get the fuck out this house. “A raccoon came up to the glass doors, “put his hand on the glass, saw me, shot at me twice. “Bang, bang! “Then he grabs his dick, disappeared into the dark.” My lady goes, “What do you get out of lying so much? “Like what does that do for you?” I said, “Who the fuck is lying? “Who makes up a lie about a raccoon come up to the window, “going bang, bang, grabbing his dick, disappearing into the dark? “Like, whose life is that bad that they gotta sit at home all day, “and make some shit like that up?” She said, “Obviously you, because you’re lying, Kevin. “You know how I know you lying? “‘Cause a raccoon can’t go, ‘Bang, bang.’ “You know why? ‘Cause a raccoon don’t have no thumbs. “So how can a raccoon go, ‘Bang, bang’?” “Bitch, maybe he did this. Maybe he just did this right here. “What difference does it make? “The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “We got a dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose, “you worried about his fucking thumbs. “You need to get your priorities straight, that’s what needs to happen.”
I got a lot of animals out there, people. Coyotes, mountain lions, rattlesnakes. It’s at the point now where I don’t like taking out trash. I’m being honest with you. The reason I don’t like taking out trash at my house is ’cause to take out the trash, I gotta walk outside, I gotta walk down my driveway. Trash cans are at the end of my driveway. My driveway is long as shit, people. Okay? It also gets real dark in my driveway. Reason why it gets so dark in my driveway at nighttime is because I turned down the option to get lights going down the side of my driveway. Reason why I turned down the option is because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of me because they knew that I had money. I don’t trust people that do this when they talk. Like that’s how you talk to me, like, “Hey, man, you gotta get some lights. It gets real dark out here. “You gotta get some lights.” I don’t need no fucking lights. It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the fuck I need lights for? I was wrong, people. I need lights. Can’t see shit in this goddamn driveway. You gotta understand, I don’t like being in the dark, hearing animal noises, especially when I can’t see the animal. It fucks with me. When you’re by yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit. When you hear this… [CHITTERING] [HISSING] You do stupid shit when you get scared. [SCREAMS] “You bite me, I’ll bite you back, bitch!” You start doing shit you saw in the movies. “What are you waiting for?” It got to the point where I start grabbing the trash, running down the driveway, throwing the trash in the trash can, running back to the house. One day I locked myself out of the house. Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people. “Open up the door!” [SCREAMS] [CRYING] What is this when you get scared? [CRYING] Whenever you’re afraid, the first person you see is fully responsible for whatever you were afraid of. “Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time I was outside? “Some shit licked my neck, I’m out here calling you. “You in here cooking, that’s your problem.” It got to the point where I told my lady, I said, “Yo, I’m not taking out trash anymore. I’m not gonna do it.” She said, “Well, I’m not gonna do it.” I said, “You don’t have to.” “It’s not a woman’s job, it’s a man’s job. “I’ma make my son do it. “He’s seven years old. “It’s time for him to start pulling his weight around here. “He don’t do shit.” That’s the beautiful thing about being a dad. You can do what you want when you want, can’t nobody say shit about it. I woke my son up at 2:00 in the morning with a complete bullshit story. I kicked his bed. “Get your ass up! Get up! “Didn’t I tell you to get that goddamn trash out last night?” First of all, that was a lie. I never said that. Never said anything like that. He woke up, he was confused. “What? What? No. “You never said that. What?” “You calling me a liar? You telling me I’m lying? “Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out.” Private schools are fucking my kids up. My son, he said, “All right, all right. All right.” He goes, “Let me get my flops.” What? “Your flops? “Boy, if you don’t get your black/white ass down these goddamn steps, “get this fucking trash, I’ma knock your head loose in here.” My son goes downstairs, he grabs the trash. He’s about to walk outside, he sees it’s real dark. He goes, “Dad, it’s real dark outside. Can you come with me?” “No. No, I cannot. “No. “It’s not my journey, son. This is your journey. “It’s about you becoming a man. “You gotta do this by yourself.” My son grabs the trash, he’s literally walking outside. He goes down the driveway. I could tell when he got scared, ’cause he stopped. He started doing this shit right here. He started looking around. When he looked at me, I said, “See, that’s why I don’t like doing that shit. “Go, you’re all right. Finish. Finish.” He put the trash in the trash can, starts walking back. Outta nowhere, my son takes off running. I mean, running, haul assing towards the house. Running as fast as he can. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was running from. I couldn’t see it. So I closed the door. I closed the door. No, I did. I know it was wrong, but I did it. I don’t wanna lie. I shut the door. I told myself, depending on what it was, was gonna determine if I open up the door or not when he got back. If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on the glass. I was gonna say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. “I hate that it had to be this way.”
My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love get attacked by an animal that I can’t beat. That’s a fear. What do you do? What do you do? You look happy. Are you in love, man? What do you do if you see your lady running down the driveway as fast as she can? Outta nowhere, the Tasmanian Devil jump out, grab her face from the back? You wanna know the answer to that question? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what the fuck you do. That’s the Tasmanian Devil. You ain’t never seen no shit like that. If you look outside and all you hear is… [SNARLING] You’re not fucking going out there. [SNARLING] All you gonna do is react. [SCREAMING] Oh! Oh! Oh! “Get the fuck off of her! “She had enough!” My lady got mad at me when I said that. She got pissed off. She got pissed off. She said, “So if I got attacked by an animal, “you wouldn’t come out there and help me?” I said, “It depends on the animal. “If it’s a cat, I’ll come out there and kick the cat. “I’ll kick the shit out of a cat. “But if it’s a mountain lion, fuck no. I’m not going out there. “Ain’t no way in hell.” She says, “So you would just let me die?” “If that was God’s plan. I’m not gonna… “I’m not gonna fuck with God’s plan. “Who am I to rewrite what God wrote? “That’s what God wrote next to your name. “It said ‘death by mountain lion attack.’ “Who the fuck am I to rewrite that?”
I’m being honest with you all. You know the real reason why I wouldn’t help my lady if she got attacked by a mountain lion? I don’t know if I wanna be with a woman that survived a mountain lion attack. I don’t… I don’t know if I’ma feel the same way about you when you come out of that attack. Like, what if he got you good? What if he bit your neck up? Or if he bit your shoulder off? You ain’t got no shoulder no more? That’s tough. That’s tough. I can’t be with no girl that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t. I’m sorry. You can call me an asshole all you want. I can’t be with a girl that can’t do this. Mmm! If you can’t do that… If you can’t shoulder shrug, bitch, I can’t be with you. You can’t shoulder shrug, bitch? Mmm! You know how many times you shoulder shrug in a day? You know how many times you shoulder shrug? Look, you did it a little bit just now. Little bit. Look at you. Little bit. Ladies, let me tell you something. You don’t know how important your shoulders are until you lose one of them. Life will change without both shoulders, I promise you that. I tell you what, you could kiss halter tops good-bye. That’s over. Every shirt you put on gonna look like a goddamn toga outfit. All that shit coming across the chest. I don’t wanna be with a toga bitch. I don’t want her. The girl that look like she won a pageant every day. [LAUGHING] You won every day? Oh! Here come Michelle. Here come Miss America. I don’t wanna be with her.
I tell you what, if you got one shoulder and we get pulled over by the cops, we’re going to jail. We’re going to jail. ‘Cause everything you do is gonna come off as sarcasm. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” “No.” “Get the fuck out of the car. Right now! Get out the car! “You wanna be a smartass? You’re going to jail.” “I’m not! I’m not! This is how it is. I’m stuck with this. “Don’t do this, please.” Cop have a tough time grabbing you out the car. “Get your ass out the goddamn…” You can’t be cold with one shoulder. You can’t shiver with one shoulder. Ain’t nobody gonna believe you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “It’s freezing in here.” “No, bitch, you twitching. That’s drugs. I know drugs when I see it.” “Get your high ass out of my goddamn house. “You’re high!” If you only got one shoulder, the only game you’ll be good at is a game of tag. Can’t nobody tag you. You out there dipping everything. [GRUNTS] “Shit!” [GRUNTING] “I can’t tag this bitch, man! “She out here dipping everything.” “You gotta go for the shoulder side.”
Ladies, I can feel you judging me. Stop judging me. I feel it. “Kevin, you wrong. You wrong. “That woman loved you. “She was with you from the beginning. She held you down.” Let me tell you something, ladies. You can’t hold nobody down without two shoulders. It’s a scientific fact. You need two shoulders. I’ll start it with you guys. I’ll ask you a question. Sweetie, do you think you’re the type of woman that could stay with your man regardless of any freak accident? Yeah? You know why I love asking women that question? Because your answers are never realistic. See, women answer questions with emotion. Emotion made you say yes. “Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!” That’s emotion. You don’t even know the fucking scenario. You don’t even know what happened. So I’ma give you a scenario. Let’s say you and your man taking a walk. Beautiful day outside. You look at your man, you say, “Babe, I love you more today than I did yesterday.” Out of nowhere, an orangutan hops the fence, attacks your man. The orangutan takes his kneecaps. He can never do this again in life. He is straight-legged for the rest of his life. You can deal with this right here? This ain’t gonna fuck with you every day? Every goddamn day, this ain’t gonna fuck with you? Looking at this? Butt-ass naked, going to the bathroom like this. This ain’t gonna fuck with you? You a goddamn liar. One of those days, you’re gonna fucking snap. “If you don’t go sit your straight-legged ass down… “Walking all straight all over the fucking house! “Sit your no-knee-bending ass down!” You’re gonna get mad ’cause you still wanna do knee-bending shit. “Hey, babe! Babe! We still going bowling on Tuesday?” All your friends hate when you bring him ’cause he takes too long to bowl. They get mad. “I can’t stand when she brings his ass! “He can never relax. He’s so uptight!” You get mad. “I can’t relax ’cause I ain’t got no knees! “I got attacked by an orangutan!” Your black girlfriend’ll be there. She’ll never believe shit. “An orangutan? Really?” That’s my “black girl don’t believe shit” face. “Orangutan? “Really?” Why is that? Why don’t black women believe shit? What happened? What happened? You can’t convince a black woman of shit. “Hey, babe. Babe, don’t walk over there. “It’s real slippery right there.” “Slippery? “Really?” She walk over there anyway, trips, falls, hits her head. “Oh, my God, it’s slippery over here. “They need to put a sign up.” “Bitch, I just told you, it was fucking slippery over there.” “Did you tell me? “Really?”
Could you still have sex with the guy that can’t bend his knees? If he was aggressive about it? That’s an honest question. Could you have sex with a guy that can’t bend his knees? “Hey! Hey! “Get over here and get some of this lock-knee dick.” “Don’t run! Don’t run! Don’t run!” [LAUGHS] It look like he be skiing on your ass, that’s what it look like. When he cums, it looks like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp. Oh! Look at all the black women. “Ski ramp? “Really?”
Oh! Stop it. Cut it out. Stop trying to make me feel tall. This is how I think, people. I’m a drastic thinker. I’m not worse than my lady, though. My lady is the queen of hypothetical thoughts. You know what I feel like? I feel like all women suffer from this disease. Women love to ask men questions about shit that would never happen. You love it. “Babe, babe, what would you do if… “Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really, but if it did, “what could might be, huh?” You love it. True story right now. Me and my lady, we’re on a boat. Right? We’re on a boat. We hit a wave. She go, “Oh, my God, babe, what if we would’ve hit that wave, “and I would’ve fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean, “and then a shark would’ve started swimming around me? “What would you do?” “I’ma get the camera and start taping. “Some shit about to go down. I don’t know.” “Stop being an asshole and answer the question!” “What do you mean, answer the question? “It’s a shark.” Like, I don’t know who she wants me to be in her head. Like, what N i g g a is that tough that he sees a shark and goes, “I’m sick of this shark shit!” And jumps in the water to fight the shark? I’m not that guy. I don’t have that muscle. She said, “Well, what if the shark attacked me, “but I got away, and I swam back to the boat?” I said, “That would never happen. What kind of attack was this?” She said, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, what do I mean?” “What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?” She said, “The shark bit off one leg, one arm.” “The shark bit off one leg and one arm, and you swam back to the boat? “That’s what you’re telling me? “Was it on the same side? “‘Cause on the same side, you’re just gonna go in a circle. “This is all you’re gonna do right here, is one big-ass circle. “You ain’t going no-fucking-where.” “Stop being an asshole, Kevin, and answer the question.” “I can’t answer the question if you don’t make the question make sense.” She said, “Fine. Alternate the sides. “He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this side.” I said, “So, what, you wanna know “what I would say when you got back to the boat?” She said, “Yeah. What would you say?” “Well, who else is on the boat?” She said, “It’s just us. It’s nobody else on the boat. Just us.” “Okay, let me get this straight. “You get attacked by the shark, “shark bites off one leg, one arm, “you swim back to the boat, “you climb up on the boat, “you’re standing in front of me on one leg, “it’s nobody else on the boat, nobody else. “If it’s nobody else on the boat, “I’ma push you back in. I’ma push you back in. “Shark gotta finish that. He gotta finish that. I’m not going home with that. “I didn’t leave with that. Why do I have to go home with that? “That’s not what I left with. “The shark gotta clean that plate. Clean that plate, Mr. Shark.” That’s what my mom tell me, “Finish your food. “You better finish that fucking food.” Y’all can think I’m an asshole all you want. This is how I think, man. I told you, I’m a drastic thinker. This is why I told my family we need to move. I’m not the father for the environment that we live in. I’m not. Good thing about my family is we table everything. Everything is up for discussion. I told my son, I said, “Look. I told you I wanna move. “Tell me why you wanna stay.” My son told me flat-out, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I don’t wanna leave my room.” I get it. I went all out for my son’s room. My son used to be into Spider-Man, now he’s into Batman. So I went out, I got his whole room painted as Gotham City. I put the bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile. Batman is on the actual ceiling. When my son first saw the room, he went off. [GROWLS] “Dad!” [GROWLS] [CHUCKLES] He was like, “I love it!” [GROWLS] I told you all, private schools are fucking my kids up. They are. My son has a lot of white friends. They got real long hair. So my son gets excited, he does this shit. Listen, listen to me. It makes me so mad. Do you understand me? This shit makes me so fucking mad. The reason why is because his hair looks just like mine. It’s just like mine. So I’m like, “What are you doing?” He was like, “I couldn’t see you.” “Bitch, you see me. Don’t… “Don’t do that. “You see me. I’m right here. “Don’t act like you can’t see me.” He was like, “I just wanna play.” “Fine, go. Go play.” My son goes in his room, he plays all day. All day. It’s time for bed. I say, “Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your face, get into bed. “I’ma kiss you good night.” My son gets into bed, I kiss my son good night, I cut out the lights, I walk out. When I walk out, I hear a bunch of screaming. “No! “Don’t do it, Batman, please!” What the fuck? I go running back in the room. I run back in the room, this woman made Batman glow in the dark. So Batman… Batman… [CHUCKLES] Batman looked like he was about to rape my son. He was just staring at my son. Hey, I’m not gonna lie, I got scared. I said, “Get the fuck out of the bed! “Get out the bed before he swoop down on your ass “and I can’t do nothing about it!” I can’t beat Batman. My daughter said, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I love the space.” My daughter’s favorite game to play at the house, she loves to hide from people, wait for you to walk by, jump out and scare you. [SCREAMS] This girl’s patience is unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like, I’ve seen my daughter go hide, but then I forgot that she went to go hide. So, like, five, six hours go by. I finally walk by, she jumps out, but she’s too weak to scare me. [SCREAMS SOFTLY] “What took you so long, Daddy? “I haven’t eaten anything all day. “I’m so hungry. “My lips are dry, they’re bleeding. “I need some water right now, I swear to God.” My kids are characters, but my kids are my best friends. Honestly, they’re my best friends. I love the fact that me and my kids talk. We communicate. Now, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not gonna act like it’s all perfect, because it’s not. We butt heads. I recently got mad at my kids because I feel like my kids don’t put a lot of thought into the gifts that they give me. This shit pisses me off. I’m serious, they’re making me mad. I go all out for my kids. So I feel like when it’s time to do something for me, put the same time, energy and effort into it that I do when I do shit for you. This is what made me mad. For my birthday, my son gave me a handprint. This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a piece of paper, said, “Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix.” Came home excited. “Dad, I got you something for your birthday. “You’re gonna love it. Close your eyes.” I close my eyes. I’m emotional, I start crying. “Boy, don’t do this to me. “Don’t do this. “Not today. “Don’t do it today. What is it?” He said, “Open your eyes. “Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love you.” I looked at it, I said, “I’m gonna be honest with you, son. “I don’t really feel like you do. “I don’t think this is a good representation of your level of love for me. “This is a shitty gift. “It’s a fucked-up gift.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her book bag. I saw her. I said, “What the fuck is that?” She looked me in the eye. “Mmm, trying to figure it out. I don’t know yet. “I don’t know what I want it to be.” Now, I’m not gonna lie to y’all and say I didn’t hold a grudge, because I did. I held a grudge. I held a grudge all the way up until my son’s birthday. My son’s birthday came, he woke up, he was hyped. “Dad! You know what today is?” “I sure do, son, it’s your birthday. “We gonna turn up like we always do.” My son goes to school, gets home. When he gets home, I got a bunch of presents wrapped up in boxes laid all out on the bed. He opens ’em up. I had 57 handprints in all the boxes. He saw it, he starts crying. He was like, “What is this?” I said, “Those are high fives. “I got you high fives.” He said, “But I didn’t ask for these.” I said, “Neither did I.” You selfish son of a bitch. You better be lucky I didn’t take a picture of my ass and put it in that box, tell you to kiss my fucking ass, that’s what I should’ve did. “I should’ve let Batman rape you.” I said that. Swear to God, I said that. I know it’s wrong, but I said it. When I really wanna piss my kids off, I let my dad spend time with them. That’s how I really get to them. Here’s the thing. My kids love their grandpop, they really do. They just don’t like to be with him for too long ’cause my dad is too loud. It’s like the older you get, the louder you get. This isn’t even a joke. This is how my dad walks in my house. This is his entrance. “Where the babies at? “Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!” That’s his entrance. It’s at the point now where I can’t even let my dad watch my kids by himself. I gotta watch my dad while he watches my kids. ‘Cause he does too many stupid things. I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket. Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket. He said, “Huh, huh, y’all want one of these?” “What the fuck is that? What are they?” He said, “Peppermints.” “Ain’t no goddamn peppermint. “Where the lines at on that peppermint?” He said, “My jeans must have rubbed it off.” “N i g g a! “You’re not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint!” “Fine, more for me.” Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his mouth, put it back in his pocket. Those were half-sucked on peppermints! He’s not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck-and-saves. That’s a suck-and-save! That’s an old people trick. Old people love to suck on candy and save it. “I’ma save this till after church.” “Nana, eat that fucking candy! “Little piece of candy left, Grandma. “Eat that fucking candy!”
My dad is a character. The shit that I’m telling you, you can’t make up. I bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday. I’ve never seen my dad use the phone. Never. He comes downstairs one day, he goes, “Hey! “I wanna take the kids to go get some pizza.” I said, “First of all, you’re not going anywhere “with my kids by yourself. “We can go as a group.” I said, “Where you wanna go?” This is true shit. You cannot make this up. My dad takes his phone out of his back pocket, this is what I hear, “Cyrus, where is the closest pizza spot?” “What did you just say?” [SHUSHING] “Cyrus, where you at? “Talk to me. “Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” He starts shaking the phone. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” My dad thinks there’s a N i g g a living in the phone! “It’s ‘Siri’, you dumb bitch! “‘Siri’! “Not goddamn Cyrus.” He’s a character. I love him, though. Hates the fact that I don’t whup my kids. Hates it. My dad is old school, old generation. Old generation believes in whupping the kid’s ass. That’s all they believe in. It’s not that I don’t. It’s not that I don’t. I don’t want y’all to think that I don’t. I just don’t feel like I need to whup my kid’s ass. My voice is enough. “Shut the fuck up!” That’s enough. Private school kids, they get scared fast. [SCREAMING] “Dad’s going crazy again! “Let’s go to our secret spot!” Private school kids. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. It does piss me off that my kids don’t have any edge. I want my kids to have edge. But they’re not. I’m not a thug, I’m not a killer, people. But I got some edge to me. You need edge to survive in life. My kids aren’t gonna have that edge. The reason why is because they’re growing up different than I grew up. My son definitely doesn’t have it. I gave up. I don’t even give a shit. It is what it is. Swear to God, it is what it is. I’ma tell you the day that I gave up. The day that I gave up, I got some of my friends over to my house that I grew up with. We’re in the kitchen, we’re having a thug-like conversation about our pasts. “Yo, Kev. “You remember when Ronald got shot “in the back of the head?” “God damn, I do. “I really do. “Died on the spot.” “What about Terry? “You remember Terry got shot in the back?” “Fuck! I remember that.” I hear my son coming down the steps. I hear his flip-flops popping. [CLICKING TONGUE] They’re popping fast. [CONTINUES CLICKING] So that means he’s walking with a purpose. Something’s wrong. He gets downstairs, he got an attitude. “Dad! “Wi-Fi’s down!” What the fuck? What? “Well, you want me to reboot it? “‘Cause nobody else seems to care.” “Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go.” “I’m thirsty, could I have a Capri Sun?” “Son, get the fuck out of my face. “Just go. Go! “Them tight-ass pajamas. “Take your ass upstairs. Go. “And put on some loose pajamas!” Now, I don’t know what made me more upset. That, or my friend going, “Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?” I said, “What did you just say?” “I’m saying, he said that they’re gonna reboot it. “If they’re strapped, we’re strapped. “I’ma die for mines.” “What the fuck are you talking about, man? “It’s the Internet, jackass! “It’s the Internet!” “Well, you need to say something, “’cause we almost lost a life today.” “Whose life? “You was gonna kill my son?” “Depending on what side he was on.” What? My dad called me over the holidays. “Hey! “I miss you. “I miss you, I miss them babies. “I wanna come see y’all.” I said, “Dad, all you gotta do is tell me when, I’ll put you on a plane.” He said, “Well, I wanna bring Connie with me.” “Dad, you wanna bring Connie, you can bring Connie.” “Well, before I bring her, I need to know “if your house is wheelchair accessible.” “Well, Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair, “so I never felt the need “to wheelchair-accessorize my home.” “Well, you need to get it right. “Connie’s in a wheelchair now.” “What the fuck happened to Connie? “Why is Connie in a wheelchair?” “It’s a long story. “She got hit by a car.” “Okay, first of all, you just told the story. “It wasn’t that long at all. “Second of all, how’d she get hit by a car? “What happened?” “Look, boy, I ain’t got time to talk to you about that. “I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining. “Legally, I can’t talk about it “’cause the case is still open.” “The case? “You got a case?” “Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house.” “Fine.” I don’t know what wheelchair shit is, people. I have no idea what wheelchair shit is. True story. I went out, I bought a handicapped sign, I put it in the driveway. True story, swear to God. ‘Cause that way, when they pull up, I look like I support. Like, hey. Hey. Look who’s welcome here. Like, hey. They get there, my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car, puts Connie in the wheelchair. He rolls Connie in the house. Connie gets in the house, she goes off. “Oh, my God! “I love it! I love it! “I wanna see the whole house!” She says, “Spoon, push me all over so I can see everything.” My dad snapped. “No! “No! “Sick of this pushing shit!” That’s what he said. “I’ve been pushing your ass all over the place all goddamn day. “Wherever I sit you is where you’re gonna have to stay “until I feel like moving you again.” I said, “What? “Why can’t she just roll around the house by herself?” He said, “‘Cause when I sit her down, “I’ma lock the back brakes so she can’t move.” “For what?” “Because I love her! “And I don’t want her rolling out of my life, that’s why.” “Okay, all right, stop. “Everybody, stop. Stop.” I said, “Look, y’all just landed, man. “Everybody’s a little bit on edge. “This is what we’re gonna do. “We’re gonna have a family night. “I’ma order some food, we’re gonna watch a movie. “That’s what we’re gonna do.” I order some food, I say, “Connie, go in the other room. “Go pick out a movie you wanna watch.” Connie goes in the room, she picks out a movie. She comes back. The movie she picked out was called The Conjuring. For those people here tonight who do not know what The Conjuring is, The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie that came out a long time ago. I said, “Connie, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to watch that “because of everything that’s been going on around the house.” My dad says, “Stop being a bitch.” I said, “No, Dad, I’m serious. “A raccoon shot at me twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “I don’t have lights in my driveway.” He said, “Stop being a bitch! “Connie wants to watch the movie, “we’re gonna watch the movie.” Fine. We watch The Conjuring. After the movie’s over, it did exactly what I thought it would do, scared the shit out of me. My dad and Connie, they wanna go upstairs and they wanna go to sleep. Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs, Connie and my dad get into bed, they go to sleep. Me and my lady get into bed, my lady goes to sleep. I’m up. I can’t go to sleep, ’cause I got The Conjuring on my mind. I hear this in the hallway. [THUDDING]
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once.
“Hey, babe, are you up? “I just heard some shit in the hallway.” “No, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” “Go put some shoes on so you can go see what it is with me, “so we can both go see what it is.” “Stop, Kevin, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” I hear it again. [THUDDING]
You ever get so scared that you don’t know where to put your hands at? “All right! “Don’t make me come out there! “‘Cause if I get out there, I’ma be there!” I don’t even know what that means. I was scared. It was the first thing that came to my mind. She said, “Stop yelling at my ear, just go see what it is.” “Well, you’re up. It don’t look like you’re asleep, “so you should come with me. “Fine, fine. I’ll go by myself.” I sleep naked, so I had to get up, I had to put a robe on. I grabbed my robe, I start scared-walking towards the hallway. Scared-walking is when you’re walking, but you’re leaning backwards just in case… Just in case some shit goes down, you can get the fuck up out of there real quick. It’s quick. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. I get to the hallway. As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the lights on. [SCREAMS] I don’t what it is, people act like lights can stop a murder. Like… Like a murderer will see lights and be like, “Man, I was about to stab you in the neck, “but you got these fucking lights on, I ain’t gonna do it now.” They don’t give a shit about lights. I start scared-walking down this way. Scared-walking. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. Out of nowhere, my daughter jumps from behind the wall. [SCREAMING] Listen to me. Scared the living shit out of me. All I can tell y’all is that she learned from her past mistakes. She had a canteen on this hip, she had a fanny pack on this hip with snacks and shit. I don’t know how long she was there, but it had to be for a long time. I was so scared, I turned around, I jumped down my flight of steps. I got 15 steps in my house. I just jumped. When I jumped, the air got the best of my robe, it blew my robe up. My dick, my ass, everything is out. Somehow my car keys fall in my hand. Don’t know how. I don’t really care. I land, I run out the front door, get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing. I start dying laughing. The reason why I was laughing is because I realized that I don’t give a fuck about my family. I was like, “I don’t care. “I don’t care! “I don’t care!” I didn’t go wake my son up. I didn’t go check on my lady. To be 100% honest with you all, I don’t even know if that was my daughter or not. In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring that was clapping at everybody goddamn near her. I turn around and back out the driveway, my dad is sitting in the backseat of the car. I said, “What the fuck is going on here?” My dad goes…
“Did you hear that shit?” I said, “What?” “Did you hear that shit? “We gotta get the fuck outta here!” I said, “What about Connie?” He said, “What about her? “I can’t carry that goddamn chair downstairs by myself! “I locked the back brakes. “The back brakes are jammed. “I can’t get the back brakes unjammed. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” I said, “If you was that scared, “then why didn’t you leave already?” He said, “‘Cause a raccoon kept coming to the car “going ‘bang, bang,’ and then he grabbed his dick, “disappeared into the dark. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” He pulled out his iPhone and he said, “Cyrus, wake your ass up! “Get my ass up outta here right now! “We ain’t got time for you to be fucking asleep, Cyrus.” “It’s Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri.” The toughest part about that night was the next morning when I got back home. Oh! Oh, no, we left! I’m sorry, I forgot. Yeah, we left. Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves. We got the fuck up outta there. The reason why the next morning was so tough ’cause as soon as I walked in the house, my lady was in the kitchen. She was like, “Where did you go last night?” And I told her, I was like, “I left.” She said, “What do you mean, you left?” I was like, “I left. I saved myself. “The only reason why I came back “is because I didn’t see anything on the news “so I knew you were still alive.” I told the truth. I did. The reason why I told the truth is because I told myself that I’m not gonna lie anymore. The only way I’ll lie is if the truth doesn’t sound believable. Ladies, please, please try to understand that. That doesn’t mean I was out cheating or fucking. It means that whatever I was doing just doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud. That’s it. That’s all it means. Everybody that follows me knows that all my comedy comes from a real place. First and foremost, understand that I’m older now. I’m 36. My friends are older than me. 42, 46, 47, 48. We go out, we do older guy shit. Me and my friends go to a lounge, this is a true story. When we get to the lounge, for some reason, we’re watching ping-pong on TV. We are locked in to this ping-pong match. Outta nowhere, my friend Joey goes, “You’d better be lucky we don’t have a ping-pong table. “If we did, I would bust all y’all’s ass.” I said, “Bet money, bitch.” That’s me and my friends’ biggest problem. We’re competitive. The word “bet” sets off that competitive nature. I said, “Bet money, bitch.” Harry said, “Bet.” Wayne, “Bet.” Spank, “Bet.” Joey, “Bet.” “Bitch, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Motherfucker, bet.” “Bet.” “N i g g a, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet it, bitch.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Fuck you, bet.” “Bet.” We get in the car, we drive to Walmart. We drive to Walmart, we buy a ping-pong table. We go back to Joey’s house, we set the ping-pong table up in the kitchen. We get to playing ping-pong. Our game looks nothing like the game that we were watching on TV. So we decide to add alcohol into the mix. Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot. You get slammed on, gotta take two shots. You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely, gotta take three shots. Somewhere along the line, the game got so competitive that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts ’cause he said he wasn’t getting enough lateral movement in the house. Here’s the fucked-up part about that. It was Joey’s house. All Joey had to do is go upstairs and change into a pair of goddamn jean shorts. Here’s the second fucked-up part about that. Joey went upstairs to get the scissors to come back downstairs and cut his jeans into jean shorts. Somewhere along the line, I get slammed on. I go to return the ball, I miss the ball, run into the wall, fall down, black out. I wake up, it’s 10:00 am. Holy shit. It’s 10:00 am! I wake up, I look at my phone, I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages. Fellas, I’ma tell you something. The worst thing that you can do in life is not respond to your lady’s text messages. Do you hear me? That’s the worst thing that you could do. The reason why I say that is because your woman will then proceed to having a conversation with herself through the messages that she’s sending you. Listen to me. This is what that conversation looks like.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
“So this is what we doing now? “Wow! “I guess this what we’re doing now. “You know what? “I hope that bitch is worth it. “Wow! “So you telling me that bitch is worth it? “You know what? “Don’t even come home tonight. “Wow! “So you really not gonna come home tonight?” [IN NORMAL VOICE] She’s drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions that she drew by herself. It’s a sickness, ladies. It’s a disease. First thing I do, I haul ass into Joey’s room. “Joey! Wake your ass up! “What the hell you let me sleep over here till 10:00 am for? “You know damn well I gotta be home.” He said, “Let me stop you right there, Kev. “First of all, I don’t know where you have to be. Okay? “What I do know, is that I’m where I’m supposed to be. “I know that. I know that much.” He said, “It sounds to me like you need to make better life decisions.” I said, “Joey, don’t start that shit. “Don’t start that. “This is serious. “It’s 10:00 am! “I can’t just walk in the house “with nothing wrong with me at 10:00 am. “I’m not drunk, I’m not injured. “I can’t stroll in the house perfectly fine and be like, ‘Morning,’ “and just go to bed like everything’s all right at fucking 10:00 am.” He said, “Why not? That’s your house.” “I don’t give a fuck whose house it is, Joey! “It’s the principle!” I said, “Reverse it. “Let’s reverse it. “Let’s say your lady stayed out all night. “You’d been calling and texting her all night, “she ain’t responded to nothing. “She just walks in the house at 10:00 am. “In your mind, what was she doing?” “Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick, “that’s what that means she was doing.” I said, “That’s my point. “That’s what she’s gonna think I was doing.” “Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick, that’s what you telling me? “Well, you ain’t sucked no dick over here, I’ll tell you that. “This ain’t the dick-sucking house, “so I don’t know where you did that at.” “Joey, shut your dumb ass up! Shut up! “Bottom line, I’m not going to my house like this.” I said, “Joey, I got a plan. “This is what I’m gonna do. “Get up, get dressed. “Put on the same clothes you had on last night. “We’re gonna get in my car. “I’m gonna run my car into a wall, okay? “That way the airbags deploy. “When they deploy, I’ma take a selfie. “I’ma post it. “I’ma be like, ‘Fuck! Another accident! Shit happens.’ “#HospitalReady. “#iLoveMyLadyTho.” Um… “#TheDevilisALiar. “#JesusTookTheWheelAgain.” The point that I’m making is that I was willing to go through all those drastic measures just to avoid telling the truth. The truth is, I was playing ping-pong. But if I walk in the house at 10:00 am, as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen, and she like, “Where the fuck was you at last night?” And I go, “I was playing ping-pong!” And then her black girlfriend pop out and she like, “Ping-pong? “Really?”
I’m in trouble. I know my lady, people. I’ma tell you the worst thing about my woman. The worst thing about her is her sense of humor. After I proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months. I’m in Atlanta, I’m filming a movie. I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag, I find a pocket pussy in my bag. For those people here tonight who do not know what a pocket pussy is, a pocket pussy… A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket. I don’t know, people. It’s self-explanatory. I think the definition is in the title. All I know is, I didn’t put it in my bag. I call her. “Hey! “You put this pocket pussy in my bag?” “Yes. “Yes, I did.” “For what?” “Because you’re gonna be gone for two months. “If you get the urge to do something, I suggest you do it “to that pocket pussy.” “Girl, get off my phone. Bye.” “Bye.” I hang up the phone, unpack my bag, I put the pocket pussy on the table. I walk by that pocket pussy for three days, people. Each day became more difficult than the day before. Day one… Day one, I was cool. “Ha! “She bought a pocket pussy, put a pocket pussy in my bag! “She crazy, bought a pocket pussy!” Day two. “Let me read the package. “What does it say? “Like, what is it?” Day three. “I’ma open it ’cause I wanna smell it. “Is it real? “Like, what is it?” Day four was the saddest day of my life. Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the pocket pussy. Let me tell you when it got bad. It didn’t get bad until I caught a reflection of what I was doing in the mirror. I was going to work on this pocket pussy, people. I swear to God. I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking shit. “You think I’m just gonna walk by you every day? “That’s what you think? “You asked for this. “You wanted this just as much as I did.” I was so disappointed in myself. Let me tell you, here’s why I was mad. I was mad at the fact that they make contraptions for men. Like, fellas, if we wanna use something to please ourselves sexually, we look like creeps. Perverts. Women, you got it made. You got cute shit. You got the bullet. The bullet is this big. You can fit it in your coin purse. Use it at your desk at work. [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] “You all right, Carol?” “I am now.” “What the fuck happened to you?” It’s not the same for men. I’ve been to the sex store. The shit that I saw, it disgusted me. The pocket mouth. The pocket ass. The pocket titties. I was disgusted. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I bought all of it. I did. No, I know. I know. That’s one of the longest walks I’ve ever taken back to my car in my life. When they give you that pitch-black pervert plastic bag, you’re trying to look normal.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
You look like a fucking creep. Everything about you says “creep”. You’re trying to speak, “How you all doing? Everybody all right?” “Get your freaky ass outta here, man! “I see that black plastic bag full of dicks. “Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass outta here, man.” “Right, all right. Got you.” I was excited when I got back to my hotel. I laid it all out on the bed. I was like, “All right. “Who’s gonna get this dick first?” I was excited. I was excited ’cause I created the perfect woman. I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth. Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head and left it all over the place. [LAUGHING] “I couldn’t do it. I can’t do this shit. “I can’t use this.” There’s only one thing that I’ve ever used for sexual enhancement. One thing. One thing. I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell the truth. I’ll be honest with you. I was having a bad week. It was a bad sex week for me. I was cumming fast all week. It was a premie week. That’s what I called it. It didn’t get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath. [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] Your lady ever give you that? She roll over on you… [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] “You want me to rub your back? “You all right? You want me to do anything? “I’m not drinking enough water, that’s the problem. “I’m not drinking enough water. “I’m dehydrated. “I really think that’s the problem.” I’ve only used one thing for sexual enhancement. One thing. Good thing about me and my friends is we fucking… We talk. We confide in one another. I called Nate. I said, “Nate, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, man. “I’ve been cumming fast all week, dude. “Is this a medical issue? “Like, really, do I need to go to the doctor? “Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?” He said, “Shut your ass up. You’re a man. “Happens to the best of us.” He said, “If you wanna fix this right away, I’ve got this numbing cream. “You put the numbing cream on your shit before you do it, “it’ll numb you up, you’ll last forever.” I said, “Nate, I need that tonight.” True story. I go to Nate’s house, he gives me the cream, I put it on at his house. I call my lady, I start talking shit. “Hey, you’ve been running your mouth all week. “As soon as I get home, “Operation Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back is in session. “As soon as I get home.” “Whatever, whatever.” “Ain’t no whatever. “Hole-In-Your-Back as soon as I get home.” I get home, we go at it. She stops me, she starts giving me head. [MAKES SUCKING NOISE] I stop her. We start doing it again. I’m talking shit. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! “You did this! “You did this to yourself! “Look at you sitting there, looking all stupid. “With that dumb-ass goddamn look on your face. “Can’t say shit now. “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something!” She said, [IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE] “I can’t feel my mouth.” [IN NORMAL VOICE] I said, “What?” She said, “My mouth feels numb. “I can’t feel my mouth.” I look down, slobber and shit coming out the side of her mouth. It dawned on me she done sucked all the numbing cream off. But as a man, you can’t tell on yourself. You gotta take this to the grave. So I just made some shit up. I said, “You must be allergic to these pillowcases. “These are new pillowcases.” She’s like, “I know.” She said, “I know, I’m gonna throw them in the trash.” I said, “Yeah. “We gotta get rid of these.” This is what almost made me shit on myself. She said… She said, “I don’t feel pretty.” “You don’t look it right now. “This is fucked up. “This is bad for everybody. “You over here with that permanent “going-down-on- the-roller-coaster face.” This is fucked up. “Oh, no. Oh, no.” I let, like, a week go by, then I told her. I told her what happened. I didn’t give a shit. I told you guys, I’m 36. 36 is the perfect age to stop giving a shit. The shit that I used to care about, I don’t care about anymore. Like when I wear white underwear. Now, I don’t care about wearing ’em. Back then, if I had, like, shit stains in my drawers, I would try to get my drawers before she saw them. Get ’em out of the house. Get in my car, drive, cut ’em up, throw ’em out at different exits. “She ain’t never gonna find these. “CSI couldn’t find these.” Why do women love to argue about obvious shit? Like, she found a pair of my drawers with shit stains in them one time, she confronted me. “Uh, excuse me. “What is this?” “Bitch, it’s shit. “What do you think it is? It’s shit. “It’s perfectly placed in the crack of my ass. “What else would it be? “What, you think I got a Sharpie and I’m fucking with you? “You think I got a brown Sharpie, “and I’m like, ‘She’s gonna think this is shit?’ “Smell it, it smells like shit.” I got mad ’cause I knew where I hid them. So I tried to flip it. I was like, “What the fuck you doing behind the dresser? “I hid those behind the dresser!”
Shit that I used to care about, I don’t care. I don’t care about not giving a shit as long as I don’t go crazy. I don’t wanna become crazy. I respect crazy people too much. The reason why, I’ve had too many situations with real-life crazy people. I’ma tell you, the craziest situation I’ve ever been in, one night, I’m drunk. I’m hungry. Everything’s closed, so I stop at a gas station. I go to the gas station and it’s crowded. There’s like 13 people in line. I want my chips and snacks that bad that I’m willing to wait in line. I decide to open up my chips. I start eating them while I’m in line. Out of nowhere, the guy in front of me snaps. “Sick of this shit! “Bitch on the register all fucking slow! “I bet you’ll speed it up “when I start shooting these motherfuckers in the head!” When I turned back around, we locked eyes. We’re looking at each other. I panicked, I was like, “You took the words right outta my goddamn mouth! “I was about to say the same shit!” He said, “Yeah, ’cause me and you brothers, that’s why. “Don’t worry, I got this one. “You get the next one. You can leave.” I said, “Thank you.” I left real fast. I didn’t say shit. I just walked out. Let me tell you something. One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was the day that I had to walk by 13 people that have just been told that they was about to die when I got chose to live. The reason why I was mad was ’cause they kept staring at me on my way out. I was like, “What? “He chose me. “What do you want from me?” This one lady was like, “Call the cops.” I was like, “I can’t. “My phone’s dead. “Just like you.” And I walked out. I was like this. I was just happy to be alive. I got stories like that for days. I can give you guys, by far, this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life by far. I’m at the airport. I just landed. I’m on my way to baggage claim. While I’m walking to baggage claim, out of nowhere, my stomach tells my ass that I gotta shit right now. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. I had to shut my body down. Don’t nobody know what’s going on except me and my ass. I had to lock my ass up. That’s when you just get tight ass. I’m having a conversation with my ass. “Come on, man. “You really gonna do this shit right now?” My ass was like, “Yup, right now.” “You can’t wait 20 minutes till I get back to the house?” “Nope, you got 20 seconds. “Clock starts now. “19, 18, 17, 16, 15…” I say, “You got to be shitting me.” He said, “I’m not, but I will.” “Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!” I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport, but I don’t have a choice. The reason why I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport is because I don’t want people taking pictures of me going to the bathroom and coming out, posting it. #KevinHartStinkybutt. People play too much. Social media shit has gotten out of hand. But I can’t hold it, I have to go. I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport. I’m in the bathroom stall, right? Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up.
This is what it looks like, people. No, I’m for real, this is a life-size photo. This is really what it looks like. This is how small I am on an actual toilet. I’m in the bathroom. It’s 6:30 in the morning. I’m by myself. By myself. It’s quiet. It’s just like this. Quiet. This is what I hear outta nowhere. “Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man? “I wanna get a picture with you when you come out.” Immediately I put my feet up. I did this right here. I said, if he can’t see my feet, he’ll go away. He’s like, “Come on, man, I saw your feet already. “I know you’re in there. “Just gimme a timeframe. “How long you gonna be?” “Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man.” “Come on, man, that’s too long. “My flight leaves in like 10 minutes. Just pinch it. “Pinch it off for me.” “What the fuck? “What? No, man. “Ain’t nobody’s pinching nothing, man. “Just get outta here.” “Kev, don’t do me like that. “I’m your biggest fan, man. “I support everything you do. “What would you do if you was me?” “I would let me shit by myself, man. “Just get outta here.” He said, “Kev, come on. “You know what? “This is what I’ma do, I’ma get my picture real quick. “I’m just gonna put my phone over the stall, “I’ma snap a picture real quick.” The fear that went through my body of looking up and seeing a camera flash. Oh, my God, I was scared because I didn’t put toilet paper on the toilet seat. I didn’t have time. I didn’t want that picture to get out ’cause I didn’t want my fan base to know that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes. I said y’all gonna lose respect for me if you find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats. Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom was because I drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee. My lady drinks coffee. She had a vanilla latte, I tasted it. I said, “God damn, babe. That’s good. What is that?” She said, “A vanilla latte.” I said, “Yo, I’m gonna get me one. “Where’d you get it from?” She said, “Starbucks.” I said, “I’m going.” She said, “Babe, “I should go with you ’cause you’ve never been.” “Girl, shut up. I’m grown, “I’ma go by myself.” “No, babe, I’m serious. “You don’t know how it works there. Let me go with you.” “Girl, shut up. I’m fine.” I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks. She keeps calling me while I’m on the way to Starbucks. “You get there yet?” “You okay?” “You need my help?” Now I’m getting nervous. Like, what the fuck is this place? I’m really getting nervous. I get to Starbucks, I’ve never seen anything like it. I open the door, it’s mayhem. All I hear is noise. “Gimme the frappe whap. “Frappe whap. “Frappe what, frapped lat. “Frappe whap, fat lat.” I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m scared. I’m in line. I don’t even know how I got in line, but I’m there. I’m like, in the middle. I’m trying to fit in, but I know I don’t. I’m sweating. I’m next. Here’s what I don’t like. I don’t like the pressure that the barista put on me for not knowing the lingo. It’s my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. My first time. I’m like, “Good morning. “Um… “It’s crowded, right? Shit. “Um, what do I want? “Let me get a… “Let me get a vanilla lattet.” “I’m sorry, sir, what’d you say?” “Is it… “Lemme get a vanilla latex. “Lattet. Let me get that.” “You mean latte?” “Yes, that’s what I mean. “Let me get a small vanilla latte.” “Okay, sir, that’s one tall vanilla latte.” “No. That’s not what I want. “I don’t want a tall, I want a small.” “Sir, a tall is a small.” “No, it’s not. “If that’s the case, I would be tall. “Tall is tall, a small is small.” You know what, I don’t wanna cause a rut. “Whatever your version of a small is, lemme get that.” “How would you like that, sir? “Would you like that iced or hot?” Fuck is going on, man? What you talking about? Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat shit. “Would I like it iced or hot? “Would I like it iced or hot? “Fuck. Um… “Shit. “How would you get it?” The lady behind me was like, “Mmm.” She only had one shoulder. I stopped talking to her immediately. I said, “Let me get it iced.” She said, “What’d you say?” I said, “Hot. “Hot ice. Icy hot. “Put it together like that. “That’s how I want it. That’s how I drink it.” “Sir, would you like it whipped or blended?” [SINGSONG] “Would I like it whipped or blended? “Shit. “Fuck. “Would I like it whipped or blended? [IN NORMAL VOICE] “You know what, whip it. “Whip it, whip it real good. Just do that.” “Sir, for $2 more, do you wanna make it a skinny?” “Well, you know, I ain’t trying to leave with the fat bitch. “Do what you gotta do, man.” “Sir, what kind of milk would you like? “Would you like whole milk, skim milk, 2%, soy?” “I didn’t even know there was that many milks, man. “Fuck. Shit. “What, you all got the heat on? “God damn, my fucking ass is sweating. “Can you back up? “God damn, back up! “You don’t see I’m trying to take this test? “Shit. “How many? You say there’s four milks? “Fuck. “Put them all in there. Give me every milk you’ve got. “I want every goddamn milk you got. Put it in there.” “Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put cinnamon on top?” “You know what? I just want to cancel it. “I don’t even know what I have at this point. “Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking cake? “Just let me… “Let me get a banana. “Can I get that banana? “Just put some water in my hand “so I can put it on my face real quick.” “You want that water to be hot or cold?” “What the fuck is your problem, man? “God damn! Will you back up? “Back up! “Shit! “Relax, bend your knees.” “I can’t bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan.” The black girl popped out. “Orangutan? “Really?”
I’m gonna be honest with y’all. I don’t like people that drink Starbucks coffee. I really don’t. Matter of fact, if you’re a real Starbucks drinker and you’re here tonight, make some noise. If you’re a real Starbucks drinker. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Okay, all of y’all can suck my balls. I wanted you all to know who I was talking to. Here’s my question. Who the fuck do you think you are? Like, do you hear what you order? Do you hear what you’re asking people to bring you back? Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody? You don’t even drink it, you’re just being nice. “Hey, man, I’m going to Starbucks real quick. I’ma get a bottle of water. “Somebody want something?” It’s always one guy. You can tell he drinks way too much coffee ’cause he got too much energy. [GRUNTS] “Hey! Yay! Hey-yay-yay! “You going to Starbucks? “You going to Starbucks? You going to Bucky’s? “Do me a favor, man. Let me get a, um… “Let me get a caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it? “You ain’t got it. I’ma say it one more time. “Caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it?” “Let me make sure I got it. “Let me say it back to you. “Black coffee. Did I get it? “Is it black coffee? “‘Cause if you think I’ma go across the street and say what you just said, “you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday. “Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy. “Enough for you to suck my dick and go… [SMACKS LIPS] ‘Oh, boy.’ “When you get to the top of my dick, “slow down so I can know you really sucked that shit.” Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. Thank you! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you! God damn it, thank you! I love y’all! Thank you, man!
[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]
Thank you! From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom, thank you! I love y’all, man! I’ll tell you what, Philadelphia. This is a fucking moment, dude. This is a moment. You hear me? It’s a moment. When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible. You hear me? I see some of everybody. We all came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. If you can laugh together, you can live together. If you can live together, you can love together. I live by those rules, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that shit happen tonight. In my city, I made fucking history, goddamn it. I’m in the record books, you hear me? I am in the record books. My name is Kevin Hart, and this has been the best night of my fucking life. You hear me? Thank you all. I appreciate you so goddamn much. Good night. Peace. That’s a show! Did you see that? 53,000 people! Did you feel that energy? That love in the building? Yes. I saw it, Kevin, you were great. What’s wrong? What’s going on? You know the man you killed? Yeah. He wasn’t the leader. What you talking about? They’re back. They’re here? We gotta go! Get the fuck outta here.
KEVIN: It’s Agent 5-4. I need a helicopter ASAP.
DISPATCHER ON RADIO: We need an ID challenge. Password, please. Um… [SOFTLY] National Geographic titties are my favorite thing.
DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4. You’re breaking up. Please come again? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Titties with no nipples on National Geographic are my favorite thing to watch on TV. Titties with no nipples? That’s your password?
DISPATCHER: ID confirmed, Agent 5-4. Helicopter en route. Thank you. We’re picking up two inbound bogeys about half a mile east of your location. Shit. They’re on our ass. [TIRES SCREECHING] [TIRES SCREECHING]
KEVIN: Oh, shit. Get in. So what now? Now? Well, now we do the same thing on a global scale. I think it’s time to show the world just how funny Kevin Hart is.
SINGER: [SCREAMING] Kevin!