[upbeat music playing]
[exhaling]
[indistinct conversations]
[crowd cheering]
[inaudible]
[audience cheering uproariously]
What up? Stop! Stop!
[audience applauding]
I’m so glad y’all came out tonight! Y’all here with your loved ones. Give it up for everybody here with a date! Y’all lookin’ good! First date. Yeah, y’all gotta be careful when you’re first datin’, ’cause people will do anything to get you, and then when you marry ’em, they change on you. And it’s men and women, too. ‘Cause you… Fellas, you, before you know– ‘Cause you see people, you out there with your dates, some of y’all datin’ now. See, you ain’t out with the real person, that’s their representative you out with right now. You don’t know who the hell you out there sittin’ with… until you marry ’em. [chuckles] ‘Cause, fellas, you ask a woman to do anything for you before you marry ’em, if they want you, they gonna do it. Men, too, they do the same thing. Men and women do it. Fellas, you can ask a woman, say, “Baby, you go get me somethin’ to eat? And somethin’ to drink, please? Something…” She’ll be like, “Okay. Is that all you want?” “Yeah, baby, that’s it. That’s it. Thank you, baby.” “No, thank you.”
[audience laughing]
“So, you want a lot, baby, or a little bit? Here you go, baby.” You do that. You marry her and ask her, “Baby, you get me somethin’ to drink? And somethin’ to eat, please?” [in gruff voice] “Go get your own goddamn drink. Who the hell you think you’re talkin’ to?” [audience laughing and applauding] [mouthing] What the fuck? “Baby, you hear that?” [in gruff voice] “Yeah, I heard! It was me, God damn it. Who the hell you think it was?” “Baby, what happened to my baby?” [in gruff voice] “Your baby right here, God damn it!” [growling] [screams] “I want a divorce!” [in gruff voice] “You can’t divorce me. You didn’t make me sign a pre-nup!” [screams]
But marriage is good, though, marriage is good. You just gotta be careful, man. ‘Cause I’m tired of datin’. Datin’ ain’t cool, man. Datin’ ain’t… Especially, you know, sometimes you date and you think… You date a little younger than you, you think that’s cool. That ain’t cool, man. This new generation, there’s somethin’ wrong with ’em. I don’t know what’s wrong with ’em. I’m serious. I was datin’ this girl, and it was goin’ good, you know. I thought it was cool. I said, “This is gonna be good.” You know, we got close, it was wild, and we started makin’ love, and I was like, “This is good. She might be the one. She might be the one!” And I opened up my eyes and she was tweetin’. I said, “What the hell you doin’ tweetin’ with the– What is wrong with you?” [audience cheering] “Put that damn phone down! You are rude as hell!” She’s like, “People need to know what you doin’.” I said, “Uh-uh! No! Not this! No!” I took the phone and said, “What the hell are you tweetin’?” Talkin’ ’bout “Chris handlin’ his business.” I said, “You can tweet this, but that’s it. That’s it! That’s all.” What the hell’s wrong with you?
Somethin’ wrong with this new generation. Better enjoy it. This might be it. This might be the last time.
[audience laughing]
Tired of datin’, man. I dated out of the country. You think people don’t know you that well, but they know. They know me over there, too. Dated a girl, man, who didn’t even speak English. I thought it was cool. My friend’s like, “Do you realize she don’t even speak English?” I said, “Do you realize I don’t give a damn? Do you see how fine she is?” All she knew how to say was, “Money! Money, Chris! Money!” I should have known there was a problem. She said, “What ’bout my family, Chris?” What ’bout…” I said, “What about your family? Shit.” “They need money, Chris. You have it. They need it!” I said, “Shit… I already got a family that want my money. No, you better go back to your village. It’s over. This is over.” “Chris, this is not right, Chris…” “You’d better go learn English, ’cause you don’t hear what I’m sayin’.”
I dated outside my race, I dated all… I dated a white girl. It was cool at first. She had me doin’ stuff I never did before, like showin’ up on time, and…
[audience laughing]
Got me hooked on Starbucks. It was pretty cool. Everything was cool till she took me rollerbladin’. Then we broke up. I almost broke my damn ankles messin’ around with her ass. She was leavin’ me and shit. She was good. She said, “Chris, come on. It’s okay. Follow me!” Spinnin’ around and shit. “Just relax! Go side to side like I showed you! You’re spillin’ your Starbucks, Chris. You can’t play basketball every day, Chris.” I said, “This shit sound racist. Slow your ass down, Samantha! Told you it was my first time. Get these goddamn rollerblades off me. It’s over. It’s over!”
I dated a ghetto girl. I was scared as hell every time… She said, “Close your eyes.” I’d be like, “For what? What for? What you want?” “Ain’t nobody tryin’ to rob your punk ass, Chris. Now put your arms up!” I was like, “People know where I’m at.” She said, “No, I don’t wanna date no damn punks.”
Crazy, man! Datin’ is crazy, man. You gotta be careful, man. You gotta be careful. But you got somebody good, man, just keep ’em, man. Don’t go– Ain’t nothin’ out there, keep ’em. Nothin’ out there. You got somebody that’s half good, try to fix ’em! If they got small problems, not big ones. Those small ones, you can try to work with ’em. [audience applauds] And treat ’em right. Fellas, surprise your wife! Surprise your wife. Don’t be doin’ the same thing all the time. Buy her roses and sunflowers and even sunflower seeds. Whatever you can afford, I don’t care. “Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow. They’ll grow one day. You can eat ’em, too, baby.” She’ll go, “Lordy, that’s so cute. He’s so cute.”
When I get married, I want my wife to have a sense of humor, ’cause I’m-a surprise her. She ain’t gonna know what the hell I’m-a do. She gonna be scared. She ain’t gonna know when I’m-a come home. She gonna always be cookin’ and be like, “Chris, that you? I’m cookin’ now. Don’t let me mess up this food! He’s so crazy.” I’m gonna come home, she won’t know what– I’m-a come home with a gun and a mask, through the window. “Get on the ground! Get on the ground! Whatcha doin’? Whatcha cookin’?” [screams] “Who are you?” “Baby, it’s me. It’s me, baby. It’s me.”
[audience laughing]
“You’re so crazy! I didn’t know who you were, fool. [kisses] You’re so stupid! Why you had to break the window, Chris? That’s the third window. So stupid. You better not have messed up my roses outside. I love your crazy ass. You make me sick. [kisses] So stupid. You’re always surprisin’ me. Chris!” I’ll be like, “I know you didn’t know who I was. Yeah, you didn’t know who I was. You scared? Why you scared? You was scared. I know you’re scared. You were reaching for the phone, weren’t you? Callin’ the cops?”
Don’t stop right there, fellas! Go up to her job. Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job. Gun and a mask. Go in and… “Get on the desk! Get on the desk! Get on the desk! You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’.” “What are you doing, Chris? This is my job! You goin’ to make me lose my job! You’re so crazy. [moans] You’re so stupid. I love you. Your crazy ass. You’re so stupid! [kisses] Get outta here. I’ll see you when I get home. [whispers] Get out of here! Get out of here!” “I love you, baby. I love you. See you when you get home.”
[audience laughing]
Be careful, guys. Don’t play too much. One time she gonna come home and fool you. She’ll come home like, “You don’t have no business playin’ like that in the park.” [stammers]
[audience laughing]
“What the hell you talkin’ about? I was at work today.” -“You weren’t in the park?” -“Hell, no! You know I had to work! And why didn’t you call the cops? God damn, baby!” “It’s your fault! You play too much. I don’t know when the hell you’re gonna jump out of everywhere, and…” “It’s your fault. You knew I had to work today.”
Be careful, though, fellas. If you wanna get married, ask the right people. Don’t ask the wrong people, because they give you the wrong advice ’cause their marriage is messed up. Ask the right people, ’cause I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” He was like, “Don’t do no stupid shit like that. Don’t do no stupid shit like that. You’re free. Get out there, boy. You’re a black stallion. Get out there and buck! Get out there and buck, boy!”
[audience laughing]
“Get out there and have some fun! You’re free.” I said, “Uncle John, you’ll put your back out actin’ like that. Stop it.” I ain’t ask him nothin’ else. I asked my granddaddy ’cause I thought my granddaddy’d give me better advice. I said, “Granddaddy, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” I thought he’d give me good advice. He told me… He said he glad he recorded his weddin’, so he can rewind it and walk away a free man. [audience laughing and applauding]
Any married couples like their marriages? -That’s good. That’s beautiful. -[audience applauding] I haven’t been married. I’m scared to get married. I’m scared. I just made some money. I ain’t tryin’ to lose the shit right away. Marriage sometimes ain’t a good business deal. I’m looking, you know. I’m looking, though, but, you know, I need a woman gonna help me, though. I don’t care nothin’ about fine. You gotta be more than fine. You gotta be able to– -[audience cheering and applauding] -That’s right. You gotta be able to do some other stuff. You got to be able to fill out a 1099 and shit. That’s right. You need to be able to help me out with my taxes and shit. You better have an accounting degree to be with me. Take care of your business, man. Don’t listen to people. Do your own business. Be careful who you listen to, ’cause that’s the last time I let Wesley Snipes help me out with my taxes!
[audience laughing]
[scoffing] Almost got both our asses locked up, man. I’m gonna kick Wesley’s ass! I wanted to Passenger 57 his ass! Nino Brown his ass. I’m serious, man. He told me and Ron Isley the same thing. Ron Isley was pissed off. I talked to him last night. Ron’s still mad about it. He said, ♪ I’m-a kick Wesley’s ass ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “Ron, let it go, let it go! Put the cane down! Put the cane down, Ron. You don’t wanna do this.” Wesley gonna tell us that mess… We was out one night in Hollywood, he gonna tell me we didn’t have to pay taxes. “Man, we ain’t gotta pay no goddamn taxes, man.” I said, “Wesley, what the hell you talkin’ about?” “I’m Blade. Blade don’t pay no goddamn taxes. You pay taxes, huh? [chuckles] Gee Money, you ain’t gotta pay no taxes and shit, man.” “I ain’t Gee Money, I’m Chris. What the hell is he talkin’ about? This ain’t New Jack City. Wesley, stop smokin’ that stuff!”
Good thing about owing the IRS, though, everybody else got to wait. Bill collectors try to threaten you, they can’t even threaten you in this economy. Talkin’ ’bout, “If you don’t pay the house note, we gonna come and get it.” I say, “Well, shit, come get it. It’s upside down anyway. Come and get it.”
[audience laughing]
“Don’t you wanna talk about it?” -“No! You said you’d come and get it. Now, come and get this shit!”
[audience laughing]
“Well, let’s talk about it, Mr–” -“No, no! I don’t wanna talk about nothing. I don’t want that house no more anyway. I don’t go down there anyway.” People, you know, people will say, “Save your money.” You know, you’re young. You don’t want to hear that. They say, “Save your money for a rainy day.” I say, “Shit, it’s raining today. I’m about to go get me a Ferrari. I’m about to go have some fun!”
I was doing crazy stuff, y’all. I was doing crazy stuff. I bought two houses right next door to each other. Just crazy. I was my own next door neighbor. It was crazy as hell. I was borrowing stuff from myself and shit. “You got some sugar we can borrow?” “You know I got some sugar we can borrow. What you talking about? You’re me and I’m you, man. Go on up there and get it.” “You ain’t gotta talk to me like that. Damn, dude. I ain’t wanna be rude. I was gonna ask you. Damn. You gonna act like that, long as I’ve been knowing you. Shit.” Crazy, man! I’m cutting back though, now. I’m saving my money. I’m smart. Being smart with my money. I ain’t doing that buying up all these houses no more. Smart! Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri are getting an apartment together. [audience laughing and applauding] And Terrell Owens is movin’ in, too, with us.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] And bill collectors get on my nerve, too. They get the– They get on your nerve. They call you. They call you, just messing with you. There’s no reason, just… I don’t care though. I tell ’em. I tell ’em. I say, “Look, people owe me, too. Shit.” “I’m serious.” I said, “Call Terry, he owes me $200. Put that down on the bill.” They say, “We don’t know who no Terry is, or where he is.” I say, “I don’t know where his ass at neither! Let’s find his ass! Can’t you see he’s the problem? Shit. We’re up here fussing, he’s running free with our money. You gotta look at who’s the problem here.” Bill collectors make me sick. They always go, “We need the money.” They act like you owe them the money personally. “We need the money.” I said, “Look, I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. You know what I mean? I owe the company the money. You stay the hell out of me and that American Express’ business.”
American Express make me sick, too. I should have left home without it. They get on my goddamn nerve. They don’t tell you to stop, but they want their money when you owe ’em. “Uh, you’re overdue.” “So, why y’all didn’t stop me?” I’ve been getting so much on a credit card, I’ll be like, “I think somebody else did it.” I’m like, “Who the hell did this shit? I didn’t buy all this shit! When the hell did I buy a statue?” “May I remind you, I’ve seen you shopping with Michael Jackson.” “Oh, shit!” I remember that. Michael talked me into getting that shit.
You ever loan somebody some money and they get an attitude with you when you ask for it back? And they’d be like, “God damn, man! Shit! God damn! You’re still worried about that little-ass money?” He looked me up and down like this, “Little-ass money…” “That shit wasn’t little when you borrowed it, God damn it! Give me my goddamn money!” “Rich as you is? Let me tell you how much money you got.” “No, what? No, no, you don’t know what I got.” “Damn, man, I told you I was gonna pay you on Tuesday. Shit.” “Well, you told me last Tuesday, not any Tuesday, man. Go get my goddamn money! What the hell is wrong with you?” That’s why when people ask me for money, I take pictures of them now. I take pictures ’cause they don’t remember. They don’t remember! When they was crying and shit when they was asking for the money, I take pictures of ’em. I say, “Remember this shit? Look at this picture. Look at it. Remember, you was begging. You was crying so much. You don’t wanna live no more. You see this shit. Give me my goddamn money, man!” Then they try to deny it, “Man, that ain’t me.” “That’s a close-up shot. That is you! That’s when you was on your knees. Right there! Give me my damn money!”
You can’t trust nobody, man. I’m gonna be like Oprah. Oprah Winfrey don’t trust nobody. That’s why she’s so rich. Oprah don’t trust nobody. I remember one time Oprah invited all these celebrities to her house, and I came and all these celebrities were in her house, and everybody came over, and she had everybody in the yard. Wouldn’t let nobody in the house. We was like, “God damn! What kind of shit is that?”
[audience laughing]
Everybody asked everybody, “Have you been in the house?” “No, I haven’t, no.” -“You’ve been in the house?” -“No, that’s why I asked you.” “I mean, she won’t let nobody in there, but Gayle and Maya Angelou. Shit. Damn. ‘Cause she don’t trust nobody else.” I tried to get in with Maya Angelou. Told Maya Angelou I need to use the bathroom. “Miss Angelou, I gotta use the bathroom. Can I go in there with you?” She was like, “Hell, no, son!”
[audience laughing]
“Who the hell do you think I am? You know I’m wise. Oprah don’t want nobody in that house. I’m gonna get me a ride back on that plane. Shit, I gotta go home tomorrow.” Everybody want you to trust ’em. McDonald’s got two windows. Two windows! One where you pay and the other one where you get your food. I’m like, “Man, if I give y’all my money, I want my food, man. Same time! Same time! What the hell is wrong with y’all? You better go up there and get my goddamn food, man!” “Sir, sir, your food is at the next window, calm down.” “No, no, you take your ass up there. You go get my food and come back. I gave you my money, I want my food, man! I don’t know you, man! I don’t know who the hell at that next window. That could be another store. I don’t know who the hell up there.” People blowing their horns behind me, so I said, “Man, they’re playing with people’s food up here! Y’all can fall for this shit, but not me! Now, go get my food, man. You go up there and get my food, and you come back, that’s what you do. All right, you don’t wanna do that? I ain’t going then. I’ll stay right here. I don’t give a damn. [audience laughing and applauding] Go get my food, man!”
They gonna call the cops on me. Do you believe that shit? Any cops in here? Where they at? Y’all play too much. Where they at? Cops play too much, don’t they? They play too much. They’re childish. Hiding in the woods, waiting for somebody to speed. Man, that’s childish! [audience cheering] You trying to go to work, they playing hide-and-go-see and shit. You know how they do, hiding and shit? Just hiding behind stuff. You know how they…
[audience laughing]
“Shit. Shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!” [mimicking police siren] Making all that damn noise, messing up your hearing and shit. “Man, turn the shit down. You got me!” Messing up my damn hearing over a damn ticket! Then they’re talking with you like you’re some little kid. “Turn that goddamn car off, boy. Turn it off! APB, we need a three-four-five. Tupac just went through here like a goddamn bat out of hell. Get down here now! Where the hell were you going, boy?” “You ain’t my daddy. Who the hell are you? Don’t talk to me like that. You ain’t my daddy.” “Why was you speeding, boy?” “‘Cause I didn’t see you.”
[audience laughing]
“Why was you hiding, man? Tell me that. Why was you hiding? That shit ain’t fair, man! There’s good people out here trying to go to work. Playing games and shit.” “Boy, watch your mouth, son! Now, I ain’t gonna tell you again! One more time, out of you. One more time. Now, you’ve seen us behind you. Why the hell you start speeding up?” “‘Cause you was catching up, that’s why. I don’t just give up. My mama didn’t raise me like that.”
Cops, man. That’s why I love when I get over on ’em. Don’t you love it when you get over on a cop? When you’re speeding and you think they got you but they done already pulled somebody over. Don’t you love that? You be speeding and you be like, “Oh, shit, he done got me. God damn. Oh, no, he done already got somebody. Oh, he’s not gonna stop me! [mimics car accelerating] Hey, man, you should’ve waited, man. I was going way faster than him. I got some weed and some cocaine!” [mimics tires screeching] Cop be mad at you, “Goddamn, son of a bitch! APB, goddamn, down here, now! Where the hell is that son of a bitch going? God damn it, I missed a big one messing with this old-ass lady.”
Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss Michael, man! I miss him. [audience cheering] Michael was the king, man! Real, like, true life king! Y’all seen me in the video? I was in one of his videos. Y’all seen me in “Rock My World”? I couldn’t believe I was in that video. I kept messing up the video looking at Michael. I was like, “God damn, I can’t believe I’m in this goddamn video!” Michael was getting mad. [mimics Michael] “Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris, look straight. What the hell are you doing? You’re messing up my video, Chris!” I go, “Mike, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m in the video with you, man!” “Chris, believe it. Chris, believe it! Shit. You’re messing up my video, Chris!” [audience laughing and applauding] “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I can’t believe it.” Michael was so cool, man. Michael changed my name. I didn’t even say nothing. He started calling me “Christmas” and shit. First, I didn’t know who he was talking about. I didn’t know who he was talking to. He was like, “Hey, Christmas.” “Who’s Michael talking to?” Michael, “I’m talking to you, Chris. I’m talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It’s beautiful, Chris. Reminds me of Christmas. Christmas trees, presents, fireplaces… It’s beautiful, Chris. You should keep it, Chris.” He convinced me. I’m like, “Do sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Okay, Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. We’ll keep it for a little while.”
Went up to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. But Neverland was really, like, Neverland. You go there, Michael had big golden gates. You go through the gates, the music come on, everybody’s… [vocalizing] I’m like, “God damn! This really is Neverland. I don’t never, ever wanna leave. Shit.” It be fly, too. Michael had us ride on a little train to the house. “This is some shit, right here. Michael got a train in his house.” We get to the house. Man, Michael be sitting there, cold-blooded, like Michael Corleone. He’d be sitting in the living room. His people get your bags. You ain’t gotta worry about that. Michael be saying, “How are you? How are you doing?” We’d be sitting there talking, all of a sudden something magical would happen. Like, two giraffes just walk by the window. Like, “What the fuck was that? Michael, was that two giraffes just walked by the window?” “No, it was three. It was three giraffes, Chris. It was three.” “Michael, that was fly as hell!” “I know, I know. That’s why I bought ’em. That’s why I bought ’em.” “There ain’t no more animals free like that is there, man?” “Couple of elephants, one lion. We can’t find that lion.” “What? What? What the fuck?” “It won’t bite you, Chris.” “It won’t bite you, Michael. That lion don’t know me. Better find that damn lion.” Michael was cool, man. We’d hang out with Michael. Michael liked rap. He liked that 50 Cent song, “In Da Club.” He liked the beat, so he’d be jamming to the beat. We’d be riding in the car, Michael’d just be jamming to the beat. He’d be like… [beatboxing] Michael’d be getting down. He’d just play it back… [continues beatboxing] All of a sudden, you know… It’s cool till he starts singing the words. That’s when it sound crazy. He’s like,
♪ You see me in the club With a bottle full of bub… ♪
“Michael, Michael, no! Michael, no! Don’t sing the words.” “Chris, I love that song, Chris. I love that beat. I love it, Chris. That is a cold-blooded beat. I love that beat. Of course I wouldn’t go in the club with a bottle full of bub, Chris. I wouldn’t do that. But I love that song, Chris.” -“That didn’t sound right, Mike.” -“I know, but I love it.” He liked Rick Ross, too. He loved– Sometimes he’d be… Just going around places… [grunts] He’d be doing a song going… [grunts] I’d be like, “What the hell was that?” I said, “Michael, was that you?” “No, no.” -“Did you hear that?” -“I didn’t hear nothing. I don’t know what that was. I thought you did it. I don’t know who did it.” One time, I caught him. He’s all… [grunts] I said, “Michael, I saw you. I knew it was you!” “I’m sorry, Chris, I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love Maybach Music. I love… They’re so cool. He’s so crazy. [grunts] I love that. He’s so free. I wanna do that on my album. -[grunts]
[audience laughing]
He’s so crazy. So silly. [grunts] Crazy guy.” I said, “Michael!” One time I did something real cool with Michael, though. I went over Barry Gibb’s house from the Bee Gees. You know Barry Gibb. I was like, “Damn, this is fly.” We was watching the Oscars at Barry Gibb’s house of the Bee Gees. And we were sitting there and all and hanging out and stuff. And I said, “God damn, I’m sitting here with Barry Gibb and Michael Jackson.” And all of a sudden both of ’em start singing. They were singing “How Deep is Your Love.” I said, “God damn! This is Michael Jackson and Barry Gibb singing right in front of me. Ain’t nobody gonna believe this shit.” There was just me and a dog looking. The dog even seemed surprised. [mimics dog] “God damn, this shit is fly! Shit, what is this?” -I said, “Do you see this shit?” -“Yeah, I see the shit. Michael Jackson, Barry Gibb, sure.” So they start singing. Michael starts singing first. Man, I never heard him sing live before. He was like…
♪ How deep is your love? How deep is your love? ♪
♪ I really need to know ♪
♪ ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools ♪
♪ Breaking us down ♪
♪ And we all should let it be ♪
♪ And the world should be… ♪
And then Barry came in.
♪ I believe in you ♪
[singing gibberish] And then I got caught up and came in.
♪ Come to you on a summer breeze ♪
♪ And you know I can stay and you know it ♪
And Michael’s like, “Chris, no. Chris, no.” [audience laughing and applauding] “Chris! Chris… No, Chris. What are you doing, Chris? Barry, I’m sorry, Barry. Chris!” I said, “Michael, I’m sorry, I got caught up.” “No, Chris, no. Stick with the jokes. Chris, no. What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, Mike, I got caught up, man. -It sounds so good.” -“No, Chris, no! You said you wouldn’t say nothing, Chris. Barry, I’m sorry. Chris, what’s wrong with you? No. I’m sorry, Barry. I’m sorry. Chris, what are you doing?” “I’m sorry, Michael, it was just sounding so good, I thought I–” “No, Chris, no. Chris, go to the car, Chris, go to the car.” “Michael, man, I won’t say nothing else.” “I know you won’t say anything else, Chris. Go. Beat it, Chris. Beat it, Chris.” “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I–” “Chris, go, go, I told you not to– You always want to be starting something. Go, just go. Go. I don’t wanna hear it, Chris.” [giggles] Michael the man, man. Michael performed live, man, Michael was incredible, man. Michael’d do some… Michael’ll go out there and do… [vocalizes] He’d be talking to your girl, you don’t even say nothing. You don’t even say nothing. You’d be like, “You take her, Mike. Go! Go take her. I got to come with you though, Mike.” [giggles] Michael be coming to sing, going,
♪ Lookin’ out across the night sky ♪
♪ The city winks a sleepless eye ♪
♪ Get you alone ♪
♪ Shake my window ♪
♪ It’s such an amusing sight ♪
♪ When we say why, why ♪
♪ Tell ’em that it’s human nature ♪
♪ Why, why does he do me that way? ♪
Give yourselves a round of applause.
[audience applauding]
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
Thank y’all for supporting and coming out here. Y’all got to stop messaging me about this Friday stuff. God damn, y’all. Thank you for supporting me in the movie. Everybody want to see me do another Friday. I go through the airport, and the security people just stop me just to ask me that. “Oh, I got to do a check here. Hey, man, you gonna do another Friday? Turn around, man. Turn around. Come on, man. Wish you would do it. Cube wanna do it. Come on, man, do it. It’d help you with your taxes. Come on, man.” “Stay the hell out of my business. Do your job. Make me late for my flight.” I appreciate y’all lovin’ the movie. I ain’t gonna do another one. ‘Cause Cube didn’t pay me for the first one, shit.
[audience laughing]
He said he’d give me some CDs and some weed. I said, “Hell, no.” [mimicking Ice Cube] Talkin’ bout, “You ain’t even tried it yet, Chris. You ain’t even tried it yet.” Cube, I don’t want no damn weed. I want some money! Cube’d be talking to you, but it’s like he rapping to you.
[rapping] ♪ You can do it Put your back into it ♪
“Is he rapping or talkin’ to me? Cube, what’d you say?”
[rapping] ♪ Don’t stop Get it, get it ♪
“Man, would you stop rapping to me?” He’s doing movie lines. “Either they don’t know, they don’t show, or they don’t care what’s going on in the hood.” I said, “Cube, that’s Boyz n the Hood, man! Would you stop acting?” My family tripped out when they found out how much money I was making. My family acted a fool. They just act cray, all of them. They found out how much money I was making, all of them just quit their jobs. They just quit. I said, “What the fuck?” I said, “Wait a minute. What y’all doin’?” They were going around singing,
♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪
♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪
♪ We rich, rich, rich ♪
♪ We rich, we rich, we rich ♪
I said, “Y’all ain’t rich. I’m rich. You better get y’all jobs back before it’s too late. Shit. What’s wrong with y’all?” It was crazy, man. Everybody wanted something, man. My brother was reminding me of stuff he did for me when I was five years old. He said, “Man, remember that time you was walking across the street and that car was comin’? And I said, ‘Hold up, wait a minute.'”
[audience laughing]
“You got to remember that, man. Chris, you wouldn’t even be alive now, man. Loan me the money for the house, man. Damn.” I said, “I don’t remember. I’m too young, I was too young.” You can’t ask nobody how they’re doin’. It always leads back to money. I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, how you doing? Good to see you.” “Oh, man, God damn!”
[audience laughing]
“God! Chris, man. [groans] Chris… Really bad. Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris…” You know somebody in some pain when they say, “Oh…” They’re howling your name. [moaning] “Oh, Chris, Chris I’m so glad you said something, son. The Lord must be speaking to you today, Chris.”
[audience laughing]
“Chris… I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna pay all these damn bills, Chris.” I said, “Uncle John, I don’t know how the hell you’re gonna pay them neither! God damn! I just asked you how you was doing, man! Damn! Why everything gotta lead back to money?” On a trip, man. My daddy tripped out. My daddy tripping, going to tell me his doctor said he need a new car ’cause the old car messin’ up his back. I said, “Daddy!”
[audience laughing]
He gonna swear me down, “Look at the prescription. That’s what the doctor said. Look at the prescription. Nobody trying to trick you. Shit. That old car killin’ me, son. That’s what the doctor said. You want your daddy to die, boy? Go on, look at the prescription. See that, it need to be blue and convertible. It’s good for my spirit, son. That’s what the doctor said. I didn’t make up nothing like that.” I said, “Daddy, no.” My daddy wanted a new car because I bought my mama a new car. ‘Cause you know, when you make a little money, first thing you do is take care of your mama, right? You take care of your mama. [audience applauding] In black families, that’s what we do with this new generation money, take care of your mama. But then my parents, they separated when I was young, which is cool ’cause my daddy was always around. They separated and then I bought my mama a car, my daddy wanted one. Well, I said, “Daddy, I ain’t going broke ’cause you and Mama don’t love each other no more. I ain’t buying no two cars, I ain’t doing it.” I said, “You better get back with Mama. Shit.” I said, “Ride in the back seat. Y’all ain’t gotta talk. Shit. So what’s love got to do with it?” My daddy left home, he left home when I was younger and stuff. He thought we was all sad, but we was cool because it was like, “Shit, it’s too crowded in the house anyway.” We were happy. “He need his own place. Shit. Always turning the TV and shit. Nobody wanna watch no damn Dallas.” [chuckling] He thought we were sad, and he came back one day to talk to us, we was like, “Oh, shit, I know he ain’t comin’ back, is he?” I said, “Daddy, you ain’t coming back, are you? Don’t be a quitter now.”
[audience laughing]
“You don’t want us to grow up to be quitters, do you? Besides, we done took your room. Mama in our room now. We got the big room.” “Go get your ass out in front of me.” I worked for my daddy, too. Don’t work for family. You ever work for family? Don’t work for family. You ever got a whoopin’ at your job? That’s embarrassin’ as hell. My daddy would… My daddy would whoop us anywhere. “Get your ass in there. Do what I told you to do.” I’m like, “Daddy, come on, wait till we get home.” “You don’t wait for me, God damn it. -You’ll do what the hell I tell you to.” -“Daddy, please!” My daddy come home and just whoop everybody in the house. Be whoopin’ my friends and shit. “Get your ass up there. Do what I told you to do.” “Mr. Tucker, Mr. Tucker, I ain’t your son!” “Get your ass out of my house, then. I told you not to come down here. You need an ass-whoopin’ anyway, God damn it.” “I’m-a tell my daddy.” “I catch him in my house, I’m-a whoop his ass, too!” One time, my daddy whooped me and my brother like slaves. Like two slaves, ’cause he came home, he was mad. He came home from the Atlanta dairy, he was mad. We didn’t know he was mad. We did something, broke something, so we tried to tell on each other. So we ran up to him, -“Daddy, he did it.” -“No, he did it, Dad.” My daddy whooped both of us. He said, “Both of y’all go downstairs, take your clothes off, and lay on the couch.” We was like, “What the fuck?”
[audience laughing]
“What Daddy say?” [breathing heavily] “All I heard was lay down there butt-naked or something, on the couch.” “Oh, shit. We shouldn’t have said nothing, man.” We were downstairs, man, my daddy was– Waiting, butt-naked on the couch. Lookin’ at each other, “What the hell we do, man? Why did we say something?” [sobbing] My brother tried to be strong, “Be strong, boy. You hear me, Chris? Don’t let him break you, Chris. Don’t let him break you.” [sobbing] “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” “Cry inside, Chris.” “Okay, okay.” He hit my brother first, he’s like… [popping] My brother said, “Ahhh! Daddy, I’m sorry, Daddy!” I laughed so hard, I didn’t even hurt when he was whooping me. [laughing] “Daddy. Daddy, stop.” We were in the room, like, “What’s all that ‘be strong’ shit? What happened to that, where did that go? Hmm? Where’d that go?” “Daddy hit me hard ’cause I’m older and shit.” “Yeah, right.” Yeah, man. My daddy is somethin’ else, man. It’s a trip though, being the youngest. I’m the youngest of six kids. You learn a lot when you the youngest of six kids. You learn what not to do. ‘Cause I seen my brothers and sisters get whoopin’, and I’d be like, “What’d you do? Why Daddy whoop you like that? God damn. Shit. Daddy tore your ass up, what’d you do?” “I didn’t take out the garbage.” “All that was over garbage? Shit. Damn. Daddy’s serious about the garbage, huh? [exhaling sharply] What day the garbage man come? What day? Tuesday. Okay, I’ll remember that shit. Tuesday.” Being the youngest, you don’t get no college fund. My brothers and sisters messed that all up. I asked my dad about college, he was like, “Shit. You better find something to do. Talk to your brothers and sisters. They had your college fund. They messed it up.” That was okay, though, I didn’t care, shoot. I barely got out of high school. I wasn’t gonna start that shit all over again. I was barely… I barely got out. My teacher kept me back. I said, “What you keepin’ me back for? I don’t wanna see you again and you don’t wanna see me again. Let me go! See what I can do. Let me be all I could be!” I used to get on teachers’ nerves, they used to hate me. They used to get mad. They’d say, “Listen, Chris, if you act up again, I’m gonna call your mama.” I said, “If you gonna call my mama, you gonna have to pay the phone bill, ’cause the phone been cut off for two weeks.”
[audience laughing]
She’d be pissed off, “Get out of my room! You make me sick! Go to the principal office!” I’d go to the principal’s office, I didn’t care because I was in the principal’s office so much, I was cool with the principal, we were tight. He’d be like, “What’d you do this time? Get in here, get in here. Get in here, close the door. Sit down. What’d you do this time?” -“Call my mama, pay the phone bill.” -“Man, you crazy! You’re a fool, Chris. You’re a fool, boy. You gonna make me suspend your ass. I’m just playing. I’m just playing. We ain’t gonna suspend you. Give me my peanuts.” I used to sell candy. I had the principal hooked on peanuts. He was hooked on salt. He’d be mad if I don’t show up. “Where the hell you was yesterday? Shit. Shit. You got me hooked me on this shit, and you don’t show up for school. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, boy. I can only do so much, Chris. You know I’m playing. Get out of here. Don’t be late, boy. Don’t be late again.” School was fun, man. I found out– I tried to play sports, you know, every guy wanna play sports. I ended up not playing it. I wasn’t that good. I tried to play football, I wasn’t that good. I broke both of my wrists in practice and shit. Ambulance came, they were like, “God, how you do that shit?” I said, “Man, just take me to the doctor. God damn. I don’t know how I did it. Damn! Take me to the hospital! Stop asking all these damn questions! Shit.” I used to play, man, ’cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally. I wanted that jersey ’cause I wanted to run out there. That’s how you get the girls. I used to run out there in the pep rally, I used to run out there. Jersey clean, I ain’t played one game. Coach never let me in a game. I’m up there, I be in the bench talking about the team ’cause we losing, “They sorry as hell. We’d win if he’d put me in the game. Shit.” One time, somebody got hurt. Coach put me in the game. I was like, “What the hell?” He said, -“Tucker, get up here!” -“What the hell he want?” “I want you to go in the game, wide receiver. Somebody got hurt.” “Shit.” I didn’t know none of their plays. I was like, “Shit. Coach, game almost over–” -“Get in the game!” -“What–” I got out there, I ain’t care, I said, “Okay, shit, I’ll go out there.” Quarterback say he’s running with– In the huddle, he said we gonna run, run the ball. They gonna run the ball. I said, “He ain’t gonna throw it to me, so I’m gonna have some fun.” I was good, because I played with my older brothers and sisters. I could fake somebody out in a minute, I was good. Playing street ball. I could… Whoa! I said, “I’m gonna fake them out. I’m gonna get out there.” He hiked the ball, and I faked it. Ah! He fell down. I was like… [whooshes] I was out there, I said, “Oh, shit.” I saw my mama in the stands, I said, “Hey, Mama. I’m going pro. I’ll buy you a house, Mama.” I knew I was cool. He was gonna run the ball. All of a sudden, quarterback threw the ball at me, I was like, “What the fuck are you throwin’ it at me for? Oh, shit, that ain’t the play, God damn, man! He knew I didn’t go to practice last week. Shit.” I was hoping something would happen, like a bird would hit the ball or somethin’, a little rain or somethin’. Ball came, I dropped it, I was like, “Shit.” My whole family was up cheering. Everybody’s like… I dropped the ball, they was like, “That ain’t our brother. Our brother’s number ten. We don’t know who that was. We don’t. Come on, Mama, let’s go. Come on, he gave up on us, we’re gonna give up on him. Shit. Embarrass the Tuckers like that. Let’s get out of here.” Oh. We had fun in school. My daddy one of the daddies, he’d do stuff with us. That’s what he was cool about. He did a lot of stuff with us. But it was cool until he forget we was his kids and shit. One time, he called my sister a bitch, and we was like, “God damn, Daddy!” We was playing cards and she said he didn’t put up. He got mad as hell, “She gonna tell me what I God damn did, shit. I put my money up.” -We was like, “Daddy!” -“I don’t give a damn shit. I knew her when she couldn’t talk or walk. Don’t tell me what I did, God damn it.” My sister was crying. I was like, “It’s gonna be all right.” [crying] She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh. My daddy called me a bitch. Uh-uh.” I said, “Stop it, stop it. It’s okay. He done called everybody something. He called me a punk bitch. Let it go. Now get your head up and get back in the game.” My daddy funny, man. One time he lost his mind playing cards over at my sister’s house. Lost his mind. He was losing a lot of money, and lost his mind. He thought my sister’s roaches was helping her cheat. Boy, it got shit crazy. ‘Cause he kept getting bad hand after bad hand. He just got frustrated. He was dealing and– We didn’t know how much money he lost, but he just got to hallucinating stuff. He would be just shuffling his cards. [mouthing] “Shit.” He’d shuffle them again like his hand gonna change.
[audience laughing]
“I knew there was some shit going on in here. How long that goddamn roach been on that wall, looking at my goddamn hand? I wanna know who the hell working with this roach.” My friends are all, “God damn. Your daddy crazy as hell. We quit, man. Y’all can have the money. There’s something wrong with your family, man. Y’all gotta work that shit out.” My mama wasn’t like that. My mama was different, my mama was strict. Anybody got a strict mama? My mama told you something, she meant it. One time, my mama told me… I got lost in the mall. My mama didn’t even look for me. She didn’t even look for me. I had to find a security guard to help me look for my mama. I was like, “Come on, man, hurry up, before she leaves. Mama! Mama, where you at? Mama! I’m sorry!” Man, I went everywhere in that mall looking for my mama. My mama wasn’t even in the mall no more. Found my mama in the parking lot backing back. I was like, “There she go. Mama! [sobbing] I’m sorry, Mama.” She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. I thought you had a ride home. The car is too full.” [mimics engine accelerating] [mimics tires screeching] “Mama, I’m only five years old!” “But you think you grown. I told you not to leave my side!” [mimics engine accelerating and tires screeching] “Mama!” I thought she was gonna come back, she left me out there all night long, I’ll tell you something. [sniffles] Wouldn’t nobody even kidnap me. Kidnappers don’t kidnap black kids. We too much trouble. We ask too many questions. We’ll be in the backseat asking questions, we won’t be quiet. We’ll be scared, but we wanna know what’s going on. [breathing shallowly] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Where we going? Mr. Kidnapper? When we gonna eat?”
[audience laughing]
“Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Can you put the radio to a black radio station, please?”
[audience applauding and laughing]
“Maybe a little Babyface, Earth, Wind & Fire or somethin’? I’m getting a little scared, man.” Kidnapper just goes, “Just get the hell out, boy! Get the hell out of the car! Drive me even more crazy, God damn! Do you realize your life is in danger, boy? Get out!” [sputtering] “You kidnapped me, man! You get more money if you keep me alive. Shit.” Yeah, my mama, man, she didn’t play, man. My mama made us go to church. Made us. We hadn’t even sinned yet, we still had to go to church. “All right, get up. You are going to church!” “Mama, can’t the preacher come here sometimes? We always going to him. He can preach on the kitchen table, Mama.” “Get up! You are going to church! Make me sick. Making me late.” She’s always talkin’ bout we making her late. And she ain’t dressed, neither. Walkin’ around with her bra on. “You are making me late! I can’t get dressed fooling around with y’all!” “You can’t get dressed ’cause you ain’t dressed, Mama. You late, too. We’re just a late family.” “Making me sick!” She’d be mad at us every Sunday. She’d fix her some breakfast, she wouldn’t fix us nothin’, she’d be mad at us. We’d be so late she gotta eat it in the car. She’d come to the car with her food. And one time she brought it to the car and gave it to me to hold, but I didn’t hear what she said, and I thought she was giving it to me. And I ate my mama’s breakfast. Man, I ain’t never seen her this mad before. ‘Cause all I heard was, “Here.” I didn’t hear, “Hold this.” I didn’t hear that. And she says, “Get that door! Get the door! You make me sick. Every Sunday, we gotta go through this! Here! Hold that.” And I got it, I was like, “Huh? I thought Mama was mad at us. Well, she said, ‘Here.’ Why’d Mama fix me coffee?” My brother was in the backseat, “Man, what the hell you doing? That’s Mama food.” “Shut up. Can’t stand to see me have nothing. Just like Grandmamma said, ‘Crabs in the bucket. Don’t even have to put a lid on the top.’ Mama fixed this for me! Mad ’cause you ain’t in the front seat. Make me sick.” All of a sudden, my mama said, “Hand me my plate.” “Shut up. Mama, what’d you say?” “Boy, I said, hand me my plate!” “Mama, you mean the plate you gave me?” “Boy, the plate I told you to hold!” “Mama, you said, ‘Here.'” “Boy, I said, ‘Here, hold my plate.'” “Mama… [whimpers] Mama… Mama, you still love me, Mama?” “Boy, what are you talking about?” “You know how sometimes I be doing stupid stuff, Mama?” “Oh, I know you didn’t sit up there and eat my food! You get out of this car and you walk to church. You hear me? You get out and you walk to church! You got enough energy, get out of here!” [sputtering] “Mama, I’m sorry! I left you the biscuit, Mama!” I had to walk all the way to church, y’all. I didn’t care, I was full. I got in the back of the church, my brother was back there. We were back there talking. My brother was like, “You crazy.” I said, “You crazy. Let Mama treat you like that.” My brother’s like, “You gonna go to hell.” I said, “You already living in hell.” We back there talking and my mama friend see us and say… “Uh-uh.” Sister Russell saw us back there talking, she went, “Uh-uh. Back there embarrassing Sister Tucker. They ought to be ashamed of theirselves. Somebody get Sister Tucker. Touch Sister Tucker. Mmm-mmm. Chris back there talking. Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Hey! Mary, look. Mary. Mary, look. Look, Mary.” [mouthing] “He made it to church. I thought somebody was gonna kidnap him, you make me sick! Back there talking! Chris! Chris, shut up! Shut up, boy! You hear me? Shut up!” And I knew she couldn’t get up and move, ’cause it was the middle of the church, so I said, “Mama. You shut up, Mama.”
[audience gasps]
My mama… “Boy, are you done lost your mind, Chris? Now, I said shut up, boy.” “Mama, I said shut up, lady.” “You wait till after church, you wait till after church, Chris.” “No, Mama, you wait till after church, Mama. You hear me? You wait till after church, Mama! Ain’t gonna fix nobody no breakfast!” “Boy, you done went crazy, boy! -You, you wait–” -“Mama, you wait, you wait.” My mama so mad at me, they thought she was shouting. She mad at me, “Lord, I’m-a get him, Lord, I’m-a get him! He ate my breakfast, Lord, he ate my breakfast!” [chuckles] I love church, man. I love going to church. It’s fun in church. I like to see the people shouting in church. Especially the older ladies shouting in church. You know, the mothers? ‘Cause the mothers, they don’t go to clubs no more, so the only chance they get to dance is in the church. So they be getting down. They be sharp, too. They be having their suits on with the– Shiny, with the pretty hats and they get to shoutin’. They be getting down, they be like, oh… I be like, “Get down, Sister Scott.” Sometimes I go out there with them, “Go ahead, Sister Scott. Go ahead, Sister Scott! You still got it, Sister Scott!” “I know I still got it, boy. You gonna get in trouble, Chris. Your mama looking at you, Chris. Your mama right over there. 1952, doing the romp here, baby. I ain’t lost a step, look at that. Your mama gonna get you, boy. You crazy. I heard you ate her breakfast. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. What is wrong with you?” “How’d you hear about that?” Man, mothers know everything. It’d be scary sometimes in church. You know the people that run around in church scare everybody. They just bust out screaming… [screams] “Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord!” Even the pastor be scared. “Who the hell was that? There’s a demon in the church. Go to my office and get my oil… and a hot rag. I’m gonna get that demon right up out of this church. We not gonna have this in this church. That ain’t one of my members. I know all my members. And ain’t none of them that crazy.” Some preachers be a trip, don’t they? Some preachers be stingy. You ever been to a church, preacher’s stingy? Preacher have a pitcher of lemonade up on his pulpit, and two cups, don’t offer nobody nothing. Talking about, “Can I get an amen, church?” “Hey, man, pass some of that lemonade! You know it’s hot in this church! You know the water fountain don’t work.” -“Who said that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Hot as hell in this church!” “Who the hell in the fifth row?” Church be hot! You don’t care. Church be so hot the flies leave. “We going to a white church. It’s too hot in here. Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. [buzzes] Shit, the window closed. Somebody open the window! Oh, shit, man. We don’t want to be no member no more! Come on, man! Let’s get the hell out of here. Let us go! Y’all, n i g g azz.”
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] Preacher be moving too fast through the Bible, he don’t care nothing about this. He don’t wait on nobody. “Now, turn to John 45. I’ll wait for you.” You’ll be looking for it. “Hey, is John in the front of the Bible, or the back of the Bible? Hey, is John in the front of the Bible? Something wrong with my Bible, I think it’s broken. God bless you. God is going to bless you. You mean like that.” Soon as you get to John, “Go to Luke 45.” “Pastor, slow down.” -“Who is that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Nobody don’t know the Bible like you.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row?” “I don’t know, some brother.” Then the preacher keep you there all night long. Then got the nerve to say, “I want you all to come back for tonight’s service. It’s gonna be a fine, dandy time tonight.” I’m like, “Man, look outside, it is tonight. Look outside, it is tonight! We done been here all damn day.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row? Get him out of here! Messing up my sermon.” Now I’m a father. I’m a father now, I’m raising my son. -[audience applauding] -Thank you. Kids are free, man. Kids are the only people on Earth that can come and stare you in the face, look at you, and then walk away, don’t say nothing. Kids do it all the time. They just come up to you like this.
[audience laughing]
They make you feel uncomfortable. “Hey, little kid! What’s wrong with me? Come back here! Stay free, little kid. Stay free, man!” Kids tell you the truth. They’ll tell you if your breath stink, too. They’ll tell you. Kids will tell you, “Your breath stink.” -“What? What you talking about?” -“Your breath stink.” “Don’t talk to me like that.” “Don’t talk to me like that. Your breath stink.” “Your breath stink.” “No, your breath stink. You just say that ’cause your breath stinky.” You don’t know whether to be mad or nice to them. “Thank you. Bad-ass kid.” ‘Cause grown-ups ain’t gonna tell you your breath stink. They just walk around with y’all, they’ll tell everybody else. “Man, you smell his breath? God damn, he smell! Whoo! Shit! Did you smell his breath? [laughs] I gave him some gum, the gum didn’t want to go to him. I was like, ‘Damn.’ I mean, his breath be kicking it. Can smell it over the phone. I’m talkin’ bout, his breath stinks.” I wanna take my son to Africa, though, I wanna take him to Africa. Any of y’all ever been to Africa? Go to Africa. Especially if you’re black, go see your ancestors. I went to Africa, they took me out there, I went out there for a genealogy thing. I went out there to see my ancestors. They took me out there, I did this thing. And they took me out there. They took me way out in this village, on this dirt road, all the way out to this village. They took me, and they showed me and said, “These are your people.” I said, “Don’t none of these people look like me. They done tricked my ass, got me all the way out here in the desert.” I was about to leave, till one of them reminded me of my Uncle John. He was like African Uncle John. He’s like, [in African accent] “Oh, my God, it’s so good you are here, Chris! I am so glad you are here, man. You don’t know how much… we pray for this day, man. I don’t know how the hell we gonna pay for this village, Chris.” I said, “I don’t know how the hell you gonna pay for it neither, man. Well, African Uncle John, I already got an African Uncle John. Now, I brought y’all some Coca-Colas and some shoes and I ain’t giving y’all nothin’ else. Where’s my Jeep? Get me the hell out of this village! Get me out of here!” When you’re a celebrity and you go to Africa, they do special stuff for you. They have people meet you at the airport. They had a big band meet at the airport for me. They had drums, they had signs and stuff. But I was tired ’cause it’s a long way to Africa. I got there, I thought I was gonna get some sleep before everything happened. I got off the plane, I said, “I’m gonna get some sleep.” And they was like, “There he is!”
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
[beatboxing]
♪ Chris Tucker Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
I’m like, “What the hell is going on? This is so– Mmm-mmm. Hey, man. This is great, man, but I am tired, man. Could we do this a little later?” [in African accent] “No, please. That’s disrespectful, please dance.”
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
I said, “Man, this shit is disrespectful. Man, I am tired. I had a 16-hour flight, man, come on now. Can we do this later, man? Take me to the hotel.” “We are walking to the village. Please follow me.” “What?” “My itinerary said the Radisson, man. I ain’t goin’ to no damn village.” “Please, Mr. Tucker, just follow us, it’s not far. It’s only 200 kilometers…”
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
“Two hundred kilometers! I don’t know how far that is, but that sound far as hell, man! Where the Jeeps at?” “It’s not far, Mr. Tucker, don’t worry. If you get tired, get on my back.”
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
“Shit, I’m tired now.”
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
“Get my luggage! Get my luggage!”
♪ Chris Tucker ♪
[audience applauding]
Thank you! Stuff happens in Africa, though, you don’t see nowhere else on Earth. I saw a cheetah walk through the hotel lobby. I was the only one scared, the Africans weren’t even scared. I’m like, “God damn, there’s a cheetah in here! Look at that goddamn cheetah!” My security guard was behind me, I said, “Get in front of me, shit! Supposed to be protecting me. Anybody gonna get bit, it’s gonna be your ass.” I was scared. The Africans weren’t even scared. They were over there, rubbing it, [in African accent] “Oh, look at the cheetah. Look at this cheetah. What are you doing in this hotel? What are you doing? You don’t belong in here.” Pettin’ it and rubbing it, “What are you doing here? You must go outside.” He opened up his mouth, “Look at his teeth. Look at his teeth. Look at the designs in his mouth. He kill a man one bite, he kill a man one bite.” All of a sudden he slapped the cheetah on the ass to get him out of there. “Get out of here!” [exclaims] I was like, “What the hell is wrong with him?” The cheetah went crazy, he was like… [hisses] [snarls] [snarls] I ran out of that hotel so fast, I was like, “Shit! That cheetah gonna kill us!” And the cheetah was so fast, it ran by me, I was like, “Oh, shit, the cheetah! Get my ass back in the hotel. Close the doors of the hotel! What the hell y’all got the doors open for? You know cheetahs are coming in here and shit.” -“It only happen once a year.” -“That’s enough! Shit! Scared the hell out of me.”
Africa is great. I went on some great trips. I went to Africa one time with Bill Clinton. That was fun, we went to, like, three or four countries in Africa, and Clinton was great, man. We had so much fun. We had so many places to go, we started getting bored, sometimes we just started playing games. I started doing impressions of Bill Clinton and he started liking it. He was like, [mimics Bill] “Oh, shit. That sounds just like me. That sounds– Oh, that sounds good, that sounds great. I like that.” He invited me to Africa, man. He invited me, he said, “Tucker, you wanna go to Africa with me? I think you’ll like it. You’re black, I’m black. I think you’ll like it. Come on. It’ll be fun, come on.” So I started doing impressions, man. Everywhere we went, he wanted me to do him. We’re at little parties at night… “Tucker, come, come do me. Come do me. Come on over here.” Every country we went to. Finally, I got tired, we got to Nigeria and he wanted me to do it in front of the president of Nigeria. I was scared. Shit, if I mess it up, they’d put me in jail. I just said, “No, not now.” And he said, “Tucker! Come on, come do me. Come do me. Don’t act like that, come on.” I said, “Mr. President, I’m tired, it’s been a long trip. -Maybe I won’t do it this time.” -“Tucker, come on now, I need you. I set it up now. Come on, don’t let me down. You want a ride home, right, huh? You wanna ride commercial or private? You let me know, Tucker. That’s a long-ass flight home, Tucker, that’s a long flight.” [audience cheering]
Clinton got Barack elected! Clinton came out there and said, “I’m telling you right now, I’m going to tell you the truth. You ain’t gonna like this, I’m gonna tell you right now. You won’t be laughing after I say this.” And black people, we love Clinton because Clinton knows how to break it down, we’d just be listening, “God damn!” We’ll be listening like he ain’t supposed to be telling us. “Clinton, you ain’t supposed to be telling that shit. We aren’t supposed to be hearing all this!” “No, I’m going to tell you ’cause you need to know! These Republicans are crazy as hell! They tried to put me out of office. Shit! And the economy was up! They don’t give a damn, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not bullshitting you.” [audience cheering] He said… [giggles] He said, “Now, listen, if you’re black, you should really hear this.” And black people were like, “What? What is it?” “The Republicans are trying to bring back slavery, I swear to God! I’m not lying to you!” He know how to rattle us. “What?” “Vote for Barack, I bullshit you not. Do it. I told ya, I’m going to break it down today. I’m not gonna lie to you.” He did good for Barack. Barack was like, “God damn, that was good. Shit. Bill, that was a good-ass speech. I thought you was running for president, God damn. It was so good. [chuckles] You made it hard for me. How the hell I’m-a follow that, Bill?” [mimicking Bill] “Well, do what you gotta do, bro. I told you I was going to set you up. And that’s what you wanted, that’s what you asked. You wanted four more years, you called on your boy Billy. I’m gonna do it for you. [audience cheering and applauding] I’m gonna hook you up. I’ll do it right here. If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do what I do. I’m not gonna mess around with ya.” Barack was happy as hell. He came out there, “Give me five, yeah. That’s my boy, that’s my boy right here. That’s my dawg, that’s my dawg, right.”
But Barack knew he was gonna get back in office when he got Bin Laden. Remember when he got Bin Laden? He knew it! He came out there, man, he was ready! He was in front of the White House lawn, he was ready. He said, “No, no. I got this. I got this. Uh, America, la-di-da-di, we got Bin Laden. Got his ass. We got him. We got him yesterday in Pakistan, 0400 hours, I sent the SEAL team over there to get him. Matter of fact, I went with ’em. And I saw him. I said, ‘Look, there he is, right there, look at him. In the window, fixin’ breakfast and shit, like he ain’t did nothing, look at him.’ I said, ‘Give me the gun. I’ll get him, I’m the president. Shit, I’ll go get him.’ So I went in and busted in there, I said, ‘Bin Laden, la-di-da-di, bitch! [imitating machine gun] Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. Let’s get on the plane. I got some chicken on this plane, come on, let’s go. Let’s get the hell out of here. Thought we forgot. Shit, no.'”
Barack couldn’t believe he won the first time, remember he won the first time? He was like, “God damn, I won? Shit! Oh, shit! I was just playing, God damn. What? What the hell? Shit. I was just bullshitting.” -“Mr. President, come this way.” -“Who you talking to?” -“You.” -“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Shit. God damn, I gotta get this in my head. God damn, I was– I just wanted to find something to do, God damn. How am I gettin’ around?” “Air Force One is right over there, sir.” “God damn, I got a plane? Shit! Baby, come look at this shit. Michelle, we got a plane. God damn. Look at this! Sasha, Malia, go sit in captain’s seat. That’s your daddy’s plane. Go on up there. I got a goddamn plane for wherever the hell we wanna go.”
I love his walk. Barack even got that little African walk. African-American, African walk. He’ll be walkin’ and drums be going off. [beatboxing] [vocalizing] Barack ain’t gonna put up with reporters yelling out no more, he ain’t gonna put up with that. He was doing the first year, they would say, “Mr. President, you’re a liar!” Barack was like, “Who said that shit? Who said that? Who said that? Come down and slap the hell out of you, who said that shit? Don’t talk to me like that, I’m President of the United States. Shit. I’m from South Side, Chicago. I’ll come down and whoop that ass. Come on, not this term, not this term. I put up with that last term, not this year. Not now. Not no more, I swear. You’re talking to Barry here, God damn it. Barry!” Reporters are a trip, man. These reporters be all over the place, man, they be… White reporters will go anywhere. You never see no black reporters over in these Lebanon and shit, we don’t do that. White reporters will be right over, like Anderson Cooper, all of them be over there. [mimicking Anderson] “We’re right here and there’s a bomb right behind me. It just went off. My ass is hot. I don’t know how the hell… Oh, my Lord. I don’t know why I’m here.” We’ll be on the TV, black people, “What the hell are you doing over there, Anderson? Get your ass out from over there! I don’t wanna see your ass get blown up! Turn the channel, I don’t wanna see this shit.” Black reporters, we don’t be going over there. They be trying to get us over there, we don’t go over there. That lady will be in the newsroom, CNN, and be like, “We’re about to go to Tyrone. We’re going to Tyrone in Libya. Tyrone? What’s going on over there in Libya? Tyrone? Where is he? Where is he, he’s not showing up here. Where is he? Oh, there he is. Tyrone! Hi, Tyrone. What’s going on in Libya?” “I don’t know.” “Tyrone, where are you?” “I’m downstairs in the newsroom.” “Tyrone, aren’t you supposed to be in Libya? How come you’re not there?” “Same reason your ass ain’t there, Kathy!” “Tyrone, you’re gonna get fired for this.” “I don’t give a damn. I quit! Shit! At least I’m alive!” [chuckles] Barack’s the man, man! You know, they try to get him, “Mr. President!” He’s too smart, he went to Harvard, you know he went to Harvard. You couldn’t catch him in nothin’. Barack never answer a question. He always say, “Look.” That’s all he say. He won’t answer the question. He avoid all of ’em, and he say, “And… and…” He’ll do some shit like this with his thumb, I don’t know. I think this means, “I’m-a kick your ass if you keep messing with me. Keep saying some shit like that. Keep saying it. Kick your ass.” He never answers. He always say, “Look.” If the reporter’s like, “Mr. President, what’s going on with the job situation and the gas prices?” “Well… well, see… See, we… [stammers] Well, look, we’re looking into all that. And we’re gonna get to it. We’re gonna… we’re gonna fix it.” And white reporters don’t play that shit. They be like, “Mr. President, what’s this ‘look’ shit? Answer the goddamn question!” “Well, you see, you see what I’m talking about? Y’all see this, right? This is what I’m talking about. We don’t need this in this country and look at this shit– This press conference is over. You don’t talk to me like that. This shit is over. Look at that shit, it’s over. Get up on this thing, let’s go up in this plane, I got some chicken up on this plane. Let’s get the hell out of here. Come on.” He gonna be doin’ what he wanna do now, he ain’t gonna be hidin’ nothin’. Him and Michelle are gonna be fighting in front of the White House lawn, it’s gonna get crazy. [audience applauding] “That’s okay, if she wanna go, let her go. Let her go, if she wanna go, let her go. That’s what she wanna do, let her go. She can’t take my helicopter, though. Tell her take that station wagon she came from Harvard with, take that. Gonna act like that? You know, I got all this stuff on my back. Matter of fact, if you wanna go, Michelle, take your mama. Take your mama with you. Take your mama. Sick of that. Don’t wanna hear it no more. Can’t take my kids, though. Sasha and Malia are staying with me. Wanna smoke a cigarette, I smoke when I want to. Stressed out. Take my helicopter… I need my motorcades and my helicopter. I’m the president, I got shit to do.”
You know they be fussing sometime, you know. Barack be rushing her a little bit too much, rushing Michelle onto Air Force One, “Come on, babe, let’s go. I got some chicken on the plane. Let’s get up here. Let’s go.” You know, Michelle come back, “Don’t be rushing me. I don’t work for you. Shit.” Barack come back, “Oh, baby, come on, it ain’t like that, baby. Come on. Why you so mad, baby? What you gonna do? Divorce me? Take half the country? Come on, baby, don’t do that. Take half the White House? Baby, come on, it’s not that serious, don’t do that.” Michelle come back, “Nobody want this broke-ass country.” [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music playing]
Good night, Atlanta! I love you, God bless y’all! [audience cheering uproariously]
[announcer] Atlanta, Georgia, give it up for your boy, Mr. Chris Tucker! Let him hear it, Atlanta. I am a black Arab. Oh, shit! [men laughing] [inaudible] -Thanks so much. -Pleasure to meet you. Thanks so much. See you guys, man. Here, here! -Where’s Jackie? Where’s Jackie?
He’s in Hong Kong. We are all sheikhs. This is Sheikh Terry. He’s so rich, he don’t even know how rich he is. That’s how rich he is. How many oil fields do you have? -I don’t know. -[chuckles] He’s so rich, he don’t like to count his money. This is Tony. He’s so rich, he doesn’t even talk. He doesn’t talk, he’s that rich. He don’t– How rich are you? I’m rich, too. I have to admit. But not like these guys. Okay, okay, I am. I own these guys. You see my Nikes. I love Americans. Some stuff American, some stuff. Abu Dhabi desert, baby! [speaking imitation Arabic] [singing in imitation Arabic] That camel said, “God damn! Who the hell is on my back?” He said, “Who? Who had those church shoes on, on my back? Look at his shoes.”
[men laughing]
Bond. James Bond. I’m Sheikh Tucker. With my Nikes on. Sheikh Tucker wears Nikes.
♪ We’re gettin’ Arab money Sheikh, Sheikh Tucker ♪
You ready?
We’re ready. You ready?
Okay!
You don’t talk!
I’m ready.
He’s not supposed to talk! He talked! I can’t believe he talked! He must be excited. Let’s go. [men laughing] Taking advantage of every moment. Every minute. Every hour. Money is not everything. Money do not bring you happiness. It only brings you trouble. Oh, shit! God damn, he’s tall!
Singapore! Singapore!
Whoo-hoo! [indistinct chatter]
[woman giggling] Whoo-hoo!
[Chris in Australian accent] Here in Australia! Down under! Come with me again…
♪ To the land down under ♪
