Comedian Michelle Wolf (The Daily Show with Trevor Noah) stars in her first HBO special — an hour of stand-up featuring her observations on feminism, dating, and other social issues. Nice Lady is directed by stand-up comedian and writer Neal Brennan
– [music playing] – [chatter] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle Wolf! [cheering, applause]
Oh, stop, stop! Thank you, thank you! Guys! Boy! What a time to be alive, huh? I probably don’t need to say this, but I should just let everyone know, – I am a feminist. – Woman: Whoo! I– yeah, one person, that’s all. Uh, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is fairly unpopular, so I should also point out I’m not, like, a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist. We all have our lines. Mine is at the bar. It’s like, “I want equal pay and a chardonnay!” Well, then, just the chardonnay. I do think as feminists we’re fighting for too many things right now. Like, there’s some feminists that are like, “We wanna be in charge of stuff and we wanna get paid the same.” And then there’s other feminists that are like, “We wanna free the nipple on Instagram.” It’s like, “Hey, can we focus? I know she’s more fun, but can we focus?” It’s like if during the Revolutionary War, if some soldiers were like, “We wanna be independent!” and then other soldiers were like, “We wanna free the nipple on Instagram!” You’d be like, “Yeah, maybe England should stay in charge of you. You sound like you’d be fairly irresponsible.”
Also just logically, we focus our attention and power on one thing. We’re much more likely to get it accomplished. So, personally, I think we should go after equal pay. But if all the women voted, and we got on the same page, and we wanted to go after nipple, fine, I’ll fight nipple, I’m a team player. It’s just hard for me to even believe that that was a woman’s idea. Sounds like a man infiltrated a meeting and he was like, “We gotta get these nipples on Instagram! Did you hear we can’t? It’s not fair… for the women. You know me, my main concern is the women.” [exhales] “It’s why I call ’em ‘the women.'” And the whole debate is men are allowed to have their nipples on Instagram; women aren’t. Well, here’s an easier solution. Just get male nipples off of Instagram. I’ve never seen a man’s nipple and been like, “Oh, now my day’s better. Boy, do I love looking at those useless skin tags.”
We gotta focus! We gotta focus on what we’re fighting for. Stop going after shiny objects. Like, we kept campaigning to get women on money. We’re gonna get one. I don’t care who’s on my money. I mostly use a credit card, and there’s a picture of a cat on that. And I picked it, ’cause I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options. I was like, “Cat.” And then I saw a second cat option. I was like, “I gotta open another account.” I can’t choose between two cats! I’m not a monster. No, I don’t wanna donate to your children’s charity. Like, why you wanna put a woman on a dollar, anyway? It’s not like a man’s gonna look down at it and be like, “Oh, right, I gotta start respecting these. I’m sorry, stripper, I can’t give this to you. I mean, Mrs. Stripper.”
So much is happening right now. I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out how Hillary lost. I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. I think it’s ’cause no one likes her. Like, I voted for her, but I don’t like her. Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, I’d be like, “I’m sorry. I have to go to the bathroom.” And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I’d be like, “I’m sorry. I have to use the men’s room. I just made a life choice.” But you shouldn’t like Hillary. She’s a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful. We’re never gonna have a nice lady run for president. Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things. And if you’re in charge of something and you think you’re a nice lady, no one else does. [laughter and applause] There are whole email chains about how much you’re not a nice lady. And Hillary isn’t nice, she’s not fun, she doesn’t go to brunch. She eats, like, a hard-boiled egg in the morning and then nothing the rest of the day. She doesn’t even peel it. She just squashes it in her fist. She gets hungry in the afternoon and then slaps a man and goes, “Full now.” [applause]
And I get it, I get not liking Hillary, but the one thing that I think is completely unforgivable is some people would be like, “Well, you know what it is? I just can’t listen to her. She has such a shrill voice,” and it’s like, [shrilly] well, sometimes… [laughter] …that’s just what happens to your voice. Sometimes you’re a person with a shrill voice, and there’s nothing you can do about it, ( increasingly shrill ) ’cause you don’t get to choose your voice! I was never like, “Oh, you know what, I’ll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside. No, no, I want it to be so shrill that if I suck the helium out of a balloon, it wouldn’t change my voice at all.” That might be a 100% real thing that happened to me. I wasn’t like, “No, leave the sexy voices for someone else. This hair will take care of the rest of it.” That’s a real one-two punch. “Hi, how are you?” [deeper] “Well, this seems like it’ll be normal.” And I get it, I get it! You don’t want four years of this voice, just like I know you don’t wanna wake up next to this voice. You don’t want me going, “Hey, good morning! Oh, you lost your boner?” This is a real wind-out-of-the-sails kind of voice! This isn’t a phone sex voice. No one’s calling in to hear, “Where do you want to put your penis?” It’s not a fun voice, I get it, but it is the voice of someone that gets shit done. It’s like, “Hey, I’m gonna keep talking unless you agree to this!”
We gotta focus, ’cause a lot of times I think people think we’re moving forward, like women are moving forward, we’re making progress, and I’m like, “Is that progress?” Like, Sports Illustrated will put a plus-size model on their swimsuit issue, and a lot of women will be like, “Bravo, Sports Illustrated. You’re so innovative.” That’s not innovative! They just finally realized that men will also masturbate to fat women. You wanna be innovative? Put a completely clothed woman in there and just talk about her personality. Like, “This is Rhonda. She loves quilting. Let’s get into the detail.” Even women would be like, “I don’t wanna read that.” Also you don’t have to yell it. It’s a magazine. [chuckles]
And there’s this whole wave of women right now, that we’re showing that we’re confident by posting naked or almost naked pictures online. Being like, “I don’t care what you think about my body. I’m confident. Please like and subscribe.” And it feels anti-feminist to be like, “Don’t post that,” but at the same time, I don’t know what our goal is here. I don’t know what we’re working toward. Like, I think there’s other ways to show that you’re confident. Like, I don’t think Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s ever been like, “I gotta get out of this robe and show people what I’m really about. Plus I know you’re all dying to see this little bird body.” [laughter]
We want every woman to be confident and every woman to be beautiful. We have to be beautiful. Like, Bruce Jenner turned into Caitlyn, and immediately we were like, “She is so brave and beautiful.” Okay, fine, I’ll give you brave. [laughter] She wants to be who she is and she should be, but she should know who she is is an okay-looking older lady, the kind of person that if you were in a room, you’d be like, “Oh, she could help me move.” [laughter] But that’s a great trait! That’s why we should respect people, not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty friend or a friend that can help you move? Always a friend that can help you move, because then maybe you’re the pretty friend.
We gotta stop, we gotta stop telling everyone they’re beautiful. We need ugly people. Ugly people get shit done. There’s no one in a lab trying to cure cancer ’cause he was just drowning in pussy. He’s working very hard to cure cancer so that later he can drown in pussy. That’s the American dream. If you want your children to be successful, tell them they’re ugly, tell them every day. And I know, parents, that’s very hard because you made a perfect angel, but you look her in the face and you say, “You have a face that means you’re gonna need to work hard.” That kid will change the world or murder you. But that’s a risk you should take for us.
And I’m glad, I’m so glad we live in a world where people like Caitlyn Jenner can exist. I just wish we were saying what we really wanted to say about it, which is I’m glad you get to be who you wanna be. We should all be who we wanna be. I still fucking hate your personality. Whether you’re a man or a woman, Caitlyn, you still killed a lady with your car. Yeah. That lady’s still dead. She can’t come back as a man. [laughter] And everyone’s like, “She’s so brave, she’s such a hero.”
Well, if Bill Cosby turned into a lady, would we just forget about all the rapes, like, more than we already have? He’s getting away with it. The detective work on that has been lazier than his eye. Oh, come on, I think the least we can do at this point is make fun of Bill Cosby’s eye. [applause] For years, for years people were like, “Don’t, he’s a legend.” His eye is, like, the only part of his body that was like, “I can’t do this anymore. I gotta look away.” And he was like, “One Quaalude for you, and one Quaalude for you. Shh, go to sleep.”
So much is happening! We’re trying to figure out where trans people can go to the bathroom… Who saw that one coming? Probably trans people. And here’s the thing. Most politicians are men, so men are making the laws, and they think that if trans women use women’s bathrooms that women will feel unsafe, and I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what happens in a women’s bathroom. [laughter] And to be fair, we have made it very mysterious. We always go in groups, there’s a huge line outside, people go in, but they never come out… It’s a whole Willy Wonka situation. When we finally do get back to the table, we’re all giggly, and you’re like, “What happened?” And we’re like, “We can’t say. But I have new hair now. Also this is my new best friend Ashley. She’s gonna live with us.” Every woman has some sort of Ashley from the bathroom in their phone. Men do, too, but for a very different reason. So we’ve had– we’ve made bathrooms very mysterious, but in reality, in a women’s bathroom, at any point, if you see genitals, something has gone terribly wrong. We’re a very private people. No one’s walking in the bathroom being like, “Labias out, ladies! Let’s get to comparing. You’re another redhead. I wanna see that.” No, we’re private! We go in the bathroom, we go in the stall, we lock the door, we pee, poop, or cry, and then we leave. The only thing we’re ever really worried about is “Do they know I’m the one that pooped?” I tried to cough a lot and only go when the hand dryer was on… which is a crazy thing for women to worry about in a women’s bathroom. Who are you trying to impress in there? If anything, you should poop very loudly, ’cause then if there’s an attacker in there, he’ll be like, “Well, not that one!” [laughter] “I’m evil, I’m not crazy.”
That’s good self-defense in general. You have to walk home late at night, fart the whole way. Be your own rape whistle. Like, “Not [imitates fart] to-[imitates fart] -day.” That’s a great strategy if you just accidentally fart in public. Like, you thought it was gonna be silent, and then your body betrayed you, next time just be like, “Yeah, that was just a warning. I’m a very dangerous person. There’s more where that came from. Now if you turn your attention back to this PowerPoint…” [laughter] “…you’ll see that third-quarter profits are on their way up.” Men, you wanna make bathrooms better for women? Get those four-year-old little boys out of there! Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls being like, “Are you my mom?” “I told you, not anymore, Kevin!”
And I don’t know why men are so concerned about our bathrooms. I’m worried about your bathrooms. You don’t lock yourselves in a stall. You just stand up against a wall and watch each other pee. You have your pants undone while you’re looking at a wall. You are just ripe for the raping. [laughter and applause] And you designed both bathrooms. You gave yourselves a shittier bathroom. Give yourselves enough stalls, sit while you pee, rest those legs. You gotta be tired from stomping on us all day. [cheers and applause] Seriously, I feel bad that men don’t get to sit while they pee. You have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. You have to walk in the bathroom being like, “I’m going to poop now.” Women, we get to be like, “Hey, I’m pooping now!” [laughter] “This is a fun surprise afternoon poop.” “This has turned my day around. I’m so glad I had that yogurt this morning. Thank you, Jamie Lee Curtis.” [applause]
Stop it! Stop using “We’re protecting women” as your excuse for getting things done. It’s bullshit and it’s insulting. I’ve never, ever been scared of trans people. The only people that have ever consistently scared me are straight men. You guys have a terrible track record. [cheers and applause] I like to think all those women clapping are with a guy right now, and they’re like, “I do?” No, you keep using like, “We gotta protect women from trans people.” When gay people wanted to get married, you were like, “Well, we can’t let that happen, because then they’re gonna start fucking dogs.” Yeah, you only ever said that because you thought about fucking a dog. You were like, “People want to fuck dogs,” and gay people were like, “I mean, not us.” And you were like, “Some people do! Some people love a cute little puppy butt.” [laughter] [barks] Stop it! Stop using “We’re protecting women” as your excuse.
I was on a date. A guy offered to walk me to my door. He was like, “I just want to make sure you get home safe.” That’s bullshit! That’s not why you’re walking me to my door. That’s your last-ditch effort to touch a boob. At that point in the night, the most dangerous thing at my door is you! And if a robber came by, I don’t think you’d be able to do anything about it, ’cause earlier that night at dinner, I learned you have a gluten allergy! [laughter] You can’t protect me from a biscuit. Also, that’s why you’re not coming up. There’s nothing less sexy than hearing a guy be like, “Well, I can’t eat bread.” ‘Cause I’m gonna need you to be okay with yeast. [laughter and applause] But did you get it? I just wanna make sure you got it. I’d hate for there to be someone in the back being like, “I didn’t get the yeast part.” Go home, call your mom. She’ll tell you all about it.
And there are so many big things happening right now. Like, the environment is in terrible shape, and most people pretend that they care about it. I don’t believe anyone actually does. If anyone actually cared about the environment, there’s no way fountains would still exist. Fountains are a real big fuck-you to thirsty people. Imagine bringing a little kid from a third-world country to see a fountain. He’d be like, “Look at all the water! Can I have a sip?” And you’d have to be like, “Oh, no, no! That’s for decoration.” “Well, can I at least grab the money out of it?” “No, those are wishes…” “that were thrown there by people that can afford to throw money. And you know what they didn’t wish for? Water. Now, come on, I’m gonna show you a water park. That’s where the water’s for peeing in.”
But climate change, it is a real big deal, and everyone says, “Mother Nature.” And I do believe nature is a woman, because she’s trying to kill us in the most passive-aggressive way possible. It’s not some sort of immediate fire or flood or a cool explosion. She’s just like, “What? I raised the temperature a little.” [laughter and applause] “Oh, are you uncomfortable? Well, maybe I wouldn’t have if you’d taken out the recycling like I asked! I’m fine.” Nature is a woman, and she hates us women. She hates us! She gave us all the icky stuff. She’s a mean girl. We’re the ones that bleed every month. She made orgasms impossible to find. We’re supposed to have the babies and then feed them? That seems like a thing you could’ve split up. There were two people involved in that! You got most of the way! You gave men nipples! What happened? All of a sudden at the last second you were just like, “You know what, we’re gonna keep it over here with women. But, men, hang on to those nipples. Do whatever you want with them.”
And we’re the ones that have the babies, and she made the hole too small, way too small. That’s a real square-peg, round-hole situation. It’s a design flaw. If every time an elevator went down a building it broke the building… [laughter] …you’d be like, “We should fix that.” Every time I hear a woman talk about giving birth– honestly talk about giving it, not the Facebook version of like, “This is magical and I’m blessed”– honestly talk about giving birth, it always feels like the beginning of an infomercial where some guy’s gonna pop out and be like, “Are you tired of a hole ripping from your vagina to your butt? Is pooping on a table in front of strangers leaving you feeling embarrassed? Have you been pushing for 20 hours with no end in sight, thinking, ‘There’s gotta be a better way!’ Well, there’s not!” [applause]
And that is why I don’t recycle. ‘Cause if Mother Nature’s not gonna take care of my house, I’m not gonna take care of her house! Also, recycling is very hard. [laughter]
I do think, though, there’s a really serious problem right now that no one’s talking about. I think right now it’s a really hard time to be a man. You guys are struggling. You can’t be the first to do anything anymore. You’ve done almost everything. It’s almost like there’s no reason for you to live. [laughter]
It’s a great time to be a woman. I mean, we’re at rock bottom, but we can only go up. We’ll still have the first female president, the first woman on the moon, the first woman to assassinate a president… [laughter and applause] It’s exciting! It could be you! I think it would be very easy for a woman to assassinate a president. She just had to be beautiful and walk up and be like, “I just wanna talk to the president for a second.” [laughter] “Please?” I’m posed like all my bones are broken. [laughter] We haven’t had a female assassin because women are too nice. We’ve got close enough to kill the president, but instead we just end up having sex with him. That’s a very nice thing that we do. In general, I don’t think we’re thanked enough for that. Think about it. Monica Lewinsky had the president’s dick in her mouth. She could’ve assassinated him. She could’ve been selfish and gotten anything she wanted. If you don’t think you can get anything you want when you just have a regular guy’s dick in your mouth, next time bite down just a little and see if he isn’t immediately like, “Yeah, fine, we can go on vacation with your sister! Just release, release!” Try it when you go home tonight. It’ll be fun. She had the leader of the free world’s dick in her mouth. She could’ve assassinated him, she could’ve gotten anything she wanted, but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him, and then we were mean to her for being a nice lady. I thought at least men would’ve stood up for her and been like, “Hey, that woman’s a patriot!”
But it’s a good time to be a woman. We’re on our way up. It’s exciting for us. But, men, you’re done! It’s over! There’s nothing new for you to do. You’ve been to the moon! You’ve been all the presidents! Even if you were like, “I’m gonna win an Olympic medal and then turn into a lady,” you’d be the second! [laughter and applause] I feel bad for men. I think it’s a really hard time to be a man right now. You have a ton of erection medicine. I hope everything’s okay. Seems like it might not be. And I’m glad you guys have erection medicine. I think that’s great. A soft penis is very sad. A soft penis looks like the sound of sad. [laughter] You know, like, wow. If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft penis, he’d be like, “I know you’re talking about sad. Thank you.” That’s actually how they taught Helen Keller. They just let her feel a soft penis, and she was like, “This means sad.” [laughter] “Thank you for teaching me this new word.” It’s the only way you could’ve done it. I actually think a soft penis feels very neat. Every woman in here, if you had a soft penis at your desk at work, you would play with it all day. It’s soft and squishy. It’s a stress reliever. Sometimes I’ll have a soft penis in my hand, and it’ll get hard, and I’m like, “Hey, you’re ruining my good time. This is less fun now.” How I feel about soft penises is as close as I’ll ever get to understanding about how men feel about boobs. ‘Cause those are also soft and squishy. I’m guessing that’s part of their appeal. Now, imagine when you felt them, if all of a sudden they got rock hard. You’d be like, “These seem like weapons.” That’s how we feel about your penis. But it’s good. You guys got erection medicine, that’s great. No one should have a broken body part.
But you make it hard for women to get birth control, and that’s not fair. That’s like saying, “Let’s have a duel, but only one of us gets a gun, and on average that gun shoots 20 million bullets.” And we’re just asking for a shield, and you’re like, “No.” We don’t even want another gun. We just want a shield. We’re saying you can have all the players on both hockey teams. We just want one goalie. It doesn’t even have to be your best goalie! We’ll take your third-string goalie! You can give the Zamboni guy a stick. We just need someone to hit a couple pucks away! [laughter and applause] Even cars get windshield wipers. Come on, give us a chance! There’s a downpour. [laughter] We should be constantly given birth control! It should be annoying. Like, when you leave a restaurant, instead of mints it should be birth control. When you push a door instead of pull it, birth control should pop out. Like, “You’re not ready yet.” [laughter] “Let’s work on some other skills.” It’s a human! You’d be making a human!
It should be hard to make a human! It’s hard to make a croissant. [laughter] It takes three days to make a croissant! You can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom. Like, how many people here have successfully made a croissant? How many people here have accidentally made a human? And those two people are never the same, ’cause croissant-makers are planners. And they’re usually a little less fun. Now, if when you had sex you accidentally made a croissant, that would be great. [laughter and applause]
Finally, women would be like, “No, I’m paying for the drinks, and we’re leaving now. Drink it up, little lady, we’re going home! I’m hungry and I want a flaky snack!” Then finally men would be like, “I feel like you’re just using me for the croissant. I mean, I don’t care, I just want you to know how I feel.” [laughter] And if having sex with a black guy meant you got a chocolate croissant, that “never go back” thing would be 100% true. [laughter and applause] Even white men would be like, “Go! I get it! Go! You have to go! The croissants are better! And bring one home.”
It should be hard. It should be hard to have a human. We have enough. We don’t need as many as we used to. At this point, if you wanna have a baby, you should have to take a test or two. Something simple, like, “Let me see your iPhone screen. Oh, it’s cracked? Then no!” [laughter and applause] You can’t carry a phone, you can’t carry a baby. They’re wigglier. I don’t want to have a baby. This isn’t an abortion joke. I’m not pregnant. I’m not like, “I don’t want to have a baby, and I gotta get out of here!” I don’t want to have a baby or a family. I want a career. That’s what I want. And I know there’s a lot of people out there that are like, “But, Michelle, you don’t have to choose. You can have it all. Women can have it all.” Yeah, stop saying that. You act like “all” is good. “All” does not mean good. You’ve never left an all-you-can-eat buffet and thought, “I feel really good about myself.” [laughter and applause] “Mm, that crab and pudding is sitting really well together. I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs.” “All” is not good. And even if we do try to have it all, even if a woman out there definitely wants it all, we’ve put up too many obstacles in your way to make it possible. It’s like, “Oh, congratulations, you’re having a baby? Great. Couple things… We’re gonna need you to get that car accident of a body back to work as soon as possible, because this is America and we don’t think you need time to recover. Also, you should breastfeed. It’s what’s best for the baby. But don’t do it in public, you pig. Do it in the old janitor’s closet underneath the bridge with the rest of the breastfeeding trolls. And don’t ask to take time off from work when your kids are sick. We’ll think you’re not dedicated. Also, why are you such a bad mom? By the way, your salary is just enough to cover the cost of childcare. And we know you’re exhausted and you don’t really know who you are anymore, and you’re trying to balance your old life and your new life, but, quick, go have sex with your husband! He’s about to leave! He doesn’t understand what you’re going through! Quick, go now! And, sweetie, smile!” [cheering and applause] I don’t want it.
Men don’t try to have it all. They’re just like, “I got a job and a sandwich. I’m good. My wife says if I behave for another year, she’ll give me a section of the garage where I can sit.” [laughter] “I love sitting.” I don’t want to be a mom. I wouldn’t mind being a dad. [laughter and applause] That seems like more fun, and there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there, but a great dad is still just an okay mom. A fork is a shitty spoon. I know, I can’t be a dad. It’s very upsetting. I don’t wanna be a mom, so I want a career. And I thought knowing what I wanted in life made me special, but it really just kind of makes me a waste. Like, having a baby is arguably the coolest thing your body can do. Like, I have a friend who has one arm, and then she just had a baby that had two arms. [laughter] You can make shit you don’t even have! Also, how pissed did she have to be when she saw that sonogram, like, “Two arms?! This is bullshit! I give this sonogram one thumbs down!” Imagine how frustrating it would be to be tying your shoe with one hand knowing you have two new hands growing inside of you that you’re not allowed to keep! Two new hands that you will push out of your body that will walk away, wave good-bye, and never love you as much as they should. Not to mention you can grow a penis inside a vagina, like the world’s most terrifying greenhouse! Find me a horror movie with a scarier plot! It is the coolest thing your body can do. Me not wanting to have a baby is like a bird being like, “No, I’ll walk.” “Okay, but you’re built to fly.” “I know. I’m gonna walk. And believe me, these wings work. We’ve had to cancel a couple flights.” That was the abortion joke. [laughter and applause] You have to have one. Joke or abortion. I don’t know, take your pick.
We care so much about how we look! Women, we put in so much effort into being beautiful. And I think we should be more like men ’cause they don’t really care about their bodies, and look at them! They’re successful! They’re presidents! They’re CEOs! You never heard a CEO go, “I wanna get profits up and keep costs down and love me for me!” You know who should care about their bodies? Men! You have weird bodies, men! You’re gross! Your balls are gross! I’ve never seen a guy and been like, “Oh, I can’t wait to get his pants off and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs!” What is it? It’s like a goblin’s coin purse. It’s like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar? You’re like, “Please be grapes.” Balls seem like a real God whoopsy. It’s like when you’re putting together furniture and you have a couple leftover pieces, and you’re like, “Aah! Those were supposed to go somewhere. They look important. I guess I’ll hang ’em from a satchel!” Even the name sounds like a mistake! Like, “What are you gonna call ’em?” [gruffly] “Scrotum!” “Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a bad time. I’m so sorry.” You are so lucky that we get our faces near them! If a woman puts your balls in her mouth, you should pay her a lot of money. And not like a prostitute kind of way. In like, “That was a very nice thing you just did, and I don’t know how to say thank you. Here is some money.” It’s a selfless act! It’s selfless! There’s not a single woman in the world sitting around in her book club being like, “You know what gets me off? A lumpy skin sac hanging out my mouth.” I don’t know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy. Your balls are saggy! You wear a bra! And you make it fancy! You dress up for me! [laughter and applause]
I get one wrinkle, my career is over. I have to put paint on my face to leave my home, and you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly, dangly bags of crap. You should have to put makeup on them! Or, at the very least, googly eyes. I don’t know if that would be better or worse, but it would be fun. “He’s happy! He’s sad! He lost his boner.” A real Mr. Magoo.
And the thing is, I think we should all be ashamed of our bodies, every single one of us! Like, that’s why we wear clothes! That’s why animals have fur! You ever seen a shaved cat? You look that cat in the eyes, and you’re both ashamed. If you saw a turtle outside of its shell, you’d be like, “Get the fuck back inside your shell!” I don’t care how confident you are in your weird, turtle-y body. Also, can we be sure that turtles have bodies? Is it just a head and feet? It seems like it might be a scheme.
And I’m the worst, because I say we shouldn’t care about how we look, but I work out all of the time. I run every day. I love running. I have no idea what I’m training for. ‘Cause I am not physically gaining any skills. Like, the only way working out is ever gonna help me in life is that at some point someone tries to rob or rape me by chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace. From the beginning, if some guy’s like, “Watch out! I’m gonna rape you!” I’m like, “Nuh-uh, not unless you can keep this up for 30-ish minutes. Although, I’m gonna have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. Could you help me with that? No funny stuff! Could you help me with that?”
Women, we spend so much time trying to be beautiful. We spend so much time when ugly things are constantly happening to us. Like, every month we get our period. I know… we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s very nice that we don’t talk about it. It is the only time a human is bleeding and that’s not what the conversation is about. Like, if Paul got his arm ripped off and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office… I should tell you, a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after the show and been like, “Hey, you shouldn’t use arm-ripping-off as your example. It’s too extreme.” “Oh, is it?” One of them actually said, “You should use nosebleed instead.” “Oh, you think it’s like a nosebleed?” [laughter and applause] All this time, I could’ve just tipped my hips up and it would’ve gone away. I’m such a dumb lady! Both arms viciously torn from his body! [laughter and applause] It’s torn from his body, he walks into the office, no one’s gonna be like, “How are the expense reports coming, Paul?” And Paul wouldn’t be expected to respond, “Great! And I feel fine. Just a normal day for me. Nothing weird happening here. I don’t want to murder you.” Paul wouldn’t be sneaking off to a corner of his office to see if blood had gone through his bandage. That’s happening at your work. Women are walking around being like, “Did I tie my shoe? Oh, I’m good, never mind.” [laughter and applause] And you poor, dumb men are like, “She doesn’t even have laces! Carol’s having a weird day.” The only thing you ever really ask about periods is “When is it gonna be over?” And we always give you the same answer. “Soon.” ‘Cause we have no fucking clue. It could be over in 20 minutes, it could be over in ten days. It can be over in three days and then take a break for two days, and then come back for a day. It can be gone, and then we just put on clean underwear and it’s like, “I smell white.” [laughter and applause] A period’s like an outdoor cat. You know it’s coming back, but you have no idea when. And it’s probably gonna have a mouse. I don’t know what mouse is in that analogy, but it’s gross. Every day, every day, at some point during your day, you talk to a woman who has her period and you don’t know it because she says things to you like, “I’m good. How are you?” when all she wants to do is lay down on the ground and fart. [laughter] That’s it, and like a fart you never even heard before. A fart that after you heard it, you’d be like, “I don’t know who you are as a person.” Like, men, if you don’t know the kind of fart I’m talking about, it’s the kind of fart you leave a party for. One where you’re like, “Get your coat! We gotta go! No, it’s not safe here anymore! Something might’ve happened! Get your coat!” Like, “But, honey, we’re on a cruise ship.” “It doesn’t matter! We’re going swimming!” That kind of fart. A lady fart. You know that picture of Marilyn Monroe where her skirt’s blowing up? Yeah, that wasn’t an air grate. That was a period fart. Masturbate to that.
You also say things like, “Why are you so emotional? Why are you so emotional?” Well, maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t shit in a week and I got a turd the size of Danny DeVito inside of me. Just a real angry Danny DeVito who’s like, “I’m not going anywhere! I was the star of Twins.” That’ll make anybody cry.
I think if men got periods, we’d have a three-week work month. They’d be like, “Let’s sync up. We gotta take a week.” But I also think if men got periods, they would’ve figured out a better way to deal with it. They would’ve demanded a better way to deal with it. They’d be like, “All the money in science, we got a problem. Put down your cancer tubes. We got a problem. We’ll save the children another day. Now bring the monkeys. The monkeys can help. It’s all hands on deck over here.” And those poor monkeys are like, “I have to get lipstick put on me. Every day I got to feel pretty. I don’t want to work on periods.”
Women, it’s our fault we’re not further along in period technology. ‘Cause we’re okay that our best solution is a rolled-up piece of cotton. We’re okay that our best solution is a craft project from a special kid, one who was like, “I made you a Christmas ornament.” The only advancement we’ve made is sometimes they’re smaller. Because that was the problem. We were causing too much of a commotion carrying our bazookas to the bathroom. Women trade tampons stealthier than drug dealers trade heroin. [laughter and applause] I’ve given out four tampons since I’ve been onstage. If there was only women dealing drugs in The Wire, no one would’ve gotten caught. Stringer Bell would still be alive. Stringer Bell is what I call taking out a tampon. Is that gross? ‘Cause a woman did it today and then shook your hand and said, “I’m good. How are you?” [laughter and applause]
I’m single. – [laughter] And I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don’t want a kid. I don’t want anything in my life to be more important than me. And maybe that’s selfish and mean, but the jig is up: I’m not a nice lady. [laughter and applause] And a lot of my friends, they’ll say things like, “But aren’t you scared of dying alone?” Is that why you got married? So you wouldn’t die alone? So you’d have five minutes before you died where you’re like, “Well, this isn’t the worst. Those 40 miserable years were wor–” [laughter] He died. [laughter] I’m not scared of dying alone. I’m terrified of people seeing how I live. I live like a divorced dad who’s not trying to get custody of his kids back. There’s just hot sauce in the fridge. One side of my bed is covered in laundry. It’s now in the shape of a person, and every morning when I wake up, I roll over and I’m like, “Today I’ll try to be better.”
I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t even like dating. I don’t. Sometimes I try to do it. Sometimes I try to be a nice, normal lady. I’ll go out on a date. I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. I thought that’d be fun– a big, strong guy who could pick you up and then set you down in a controlled manner. The date was not fun. All he talked about was exercise, and then finally in the restaurant we were in, that song “Empire State of Mind” came on. You guys know that song, right? ♪ New York, concrete jungle ♪ ♪ Where dreams are… ♪ He sang the whole song, both Jay-Z and Alicia’s parts. This joke is three minutes long. That song is four and a half minutes long, which means after this joke is over, he’d still be singing for a minute and a half. You know if someone sings at you for more than four minutes, you’re legally allowed to kill them? [laughter] So, finally, the bill comes. It’s $84. He throws down 40 and he goes, “Is that enough?” And, listen, I’m an independent woman, I’ll pay for half my meal, but that’s not half.
So, I never really want to see this guy again, but he keeps texting me. And one day he just sent me a picture of his bed. And I didn’t know how to respond. I was like, “Congratulations on making your bed?” So, one of my friends goes, “Just text him you’re not interested.” And then my other friend goes, “Text him the weirdest stuff possible. Then he’ll leave you alone.” I was like, “That’s the one I’m gonna do.” And I’m gonna read them to you now. [laughter and applause] I took screenshots of them, and I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. And I know a lot of people don’t like selfies. They think you shouldn’t take them. I think you should take them and you should post them, but you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. Like, “This is me looking cute 67.” Okay, can you just confirm that these are real text messages? Yeah, those look pretty real. All right, you heard it from that guy with a puka-shell necklace. [laughter] I guess we’ll have to trust him! No one’s ever said that about a guy with a puka-shell necklace before. They’ve been like, “I gotta cover this drink.” [laughter and applause] He goes, “Hey, Michelle.” I go, “Hey, Wildcat.” That’s a pretty strong start. We’ve been on one date. “Wildcat” is an aggressive nickname out of the gate. “‘Wildcat?’ LOL. That’s new. Kinda like it. What made you choose that nickname?” And I go, “Just something tick-tocking in my old noggin.” [laughter] That should be it, right? If someone texted you that, you’d be like, “Oh, she’s insane. I have to never talk to her again.” But instead, he comes back with “Love it! Keep it up. How was your day?” And, honestly, I get a little excited at this point, because he’s still holding on, and I know I can just shift it into a higher gear to lose him. I feel like I’m in a car chase, and all of a sudden I’m like, “All right, buddy!” [imitates engine revving] That’s a pretty good car sound. He goes, “How is your day?” and I respond with, “Still chipping away at the ham.” [laughter] That’s not a saying! For that to be a saying, it means that at some point in time, people spent their day chipping ham, and it took so long, they’d have to send word to their loved ones, “Honey, I’m sorry. I can’t come home for dinner tonight. I’m still chipping away at the ham. You know, at my job at the ham-chip factory.” Which does sound delicious. And this is how I knew he was a formidable opponent. He came back with, “Shit, make sure you leave a slice for me, too!” [laughter] “And by the way, I have the honey to go alongside the ham.” Gross! What’s the honey? I don’t want the honey! Take the honey away! If the honey’s what I think it is, no woman has ever wanted the honey. Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, but, honestly, it’s an inconvenience. Most of the time we’re like, “Hey, wipe this up. I’m getting sticky!” So, I don’t respond. I need time. I need to regroup. I need to train. Normally when I’m this stressed out, I go to the gym, but I can’t do that. Couple of days later he texts me, “Hi, Wolfgang. LOL.” And I 100% believe he LOL’d at that. [laughter] He was like, “She gave me a nickname. I’m gonna give her a nickname. Wolfgang! Ha-ha! I am the best.” “Hi, Wolfgang. LOL. I was wondering if you’d accompany me Friday night. I’m taking some of my clients out for their birthday.” And I responded with, “No dice, Squirrel Man! Got plans on plans on waffles.” [laughing] That is some of the best work I’ve ever done. I’m pretty sure Squirrel Man is a huge downgrade from Wildcat. If someone started calling me Wildcat and then switched to Squirrel Man, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, what did I do?” And I don’t know what “plans on plans on waffles” means, but it’s too much before breakfast. And this bitch comes back with “Oh, cool, make sure you don’t forget the syrup.” [laughter] And I don’t know what to do at this point, because I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with me, and I think maybe I’m falling in love with him. So I text him “I love you,” and then I never heard from him again. [laughter and applause] Thanks a lot, guys! You’ve been great! I’m Michelle Wolf!
♪ She was an American girl ♪ ♪ Raised on the promises ♪ ♪ She couldn’t help thinking that there ♪ ♪ Was a little more to life ♪ ♪ Somewhere else ♪ ♪ After all, it was a great big world ♪ ♪ With lots of places to run to ♪ ♪ Yeah, and if she had to die ♪ ♪ Tryin’ she had one little promise ♪ ♪ She was gonna keep ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ All right ♪ ♪ Take it easy, baby ♪ – ♪ Make it last all night ♪ – ♪ Make it last all night ♪ ♪ She was an American girl. ♪