I think being an American is a preexisting condition. My hair used to be black. Now every year white hairs show up. Next year more white hairs moving in. It makes me mad, makes me sad ’cause it means my head is getting gentrified. And… there is nothing I can do to stop it. Pretty soon I won’t be able to afford it. But I keep moving forward because I’m an American.
I just wrote a movie about a piñata that comes back to life and murders all the children that beat her with a stick. That’s right, I said her. It’s piñata, not piñato. Okay? Piñatas are females who have been getting abused by children at the encouragement of parents for centuries.
I like trilogies. That’s why I’m so excited about World War III. The original was a landmark. Everyone loved that one. A lot of critics and fans think the second one was better than the first, and… We’ve all been waiting over 70 years for the final chapter in the trilogy. I wish they would just give it to us already. I… I think the next one could be the highest-grossing. I just hope they don’t ruin it with too much merchandising.
I do a lot of charity work. Anyone else? You seem like great people. I just donated to this organization, Doctors Without Passports. It’s a group of doctors who wanna help sick people in foreign countries but they’re not motivated enough to get a passport. Try to chip in and make a difference.
I wrote a self-help book for trees. It’s called How Not to Become a Book. I’m hoping to sell 10 million copies.
I just made a documentary about the horrors of human trafficking during rush hour. I’m always trying to help people. Anyone from far away? Or, uh…? – Where are you from? – Guatemala. Yeah. – Guatemala. – Guatemala’s not that far. I was actually there this morning. I, uh… I was gonna fly in for the show, but it was nice out so I parkoured my way over here, and so… I care about the planet, I don’t use up carbon footprints, just real footprints.
What else? Who else? – Mexico. It’s pronounced Mexico, okay. Mexico. – Where in Mexico? – Monterrey. Mm-hm. It’s Monterrey. Monterrey. I used to live in downtown Monterrey, Mexico. What part? I lived on First Street. Sorry, it was Uno Street. It was Uno Street. The number one street in Monterrey, Mexico. That’s why it’s called Uno Street.
Welcome, great to have you here. – Where you from? – England. England, at one point, you used to own the whole world. What happened? I don’t think you are an evil, imperialistic nation. I think you were simply a country that was in search of better-tasting cuisine. I, uh… I think one day your troops wandered over to India, took a lunch break, and were like, “Wow. This curry is just dandy. Let’s take this recipe back to the queen.” Your general said, “No, this is too good. We should surround this nation with our troops and protect this chicken tikka masala recipe. Make sure it stays authentic.” And, England, you used to own us. Yeah, you did. You used to own us. And then we defeated you. Took your language and perfected it. You got nothing left. Your last piece of dignity, David Beckham, lives here. He named his son Brooklyn, it’s over. That’s the second American Revolutionary War, Beckham naming his son Brooklyn. The tie is up at seven. – What do you do, England? – I organize events. You organize events. It sounds like you’re a terrorist. I’m gonna kick your ass after the show.
Any other countries? – Germany. Where in Germany? West Germany. Have you learned the name of the town yet or…? Or you know it’s in the western part of your country? As a German I expect more precision with your answer. – Lithuania. – Lithuania. Got a zero from the crowd, sir, but I… I think it’s one of the top, uh, ten ex-Soviet countries. I, uh… Welcome. What do you do for a living? – Student. – Student? You get paid to go to school? Okay. What do you study? – Physical education. – Physical education. You study physical education. So, when kids are in gym class, you’re looking through the window and taking notes? That’s a crime in this country.
Well, all of you, uh, Mexico, Venezuela, Argentina, Germany, Ireland, Australia, Netherlands, Switzerland, all of you, welcome to the number one country. Welcome. Thank you for coming all the way from your little amateur, junior varsity country to an actual real, professional and number one country.
Netherlands, beautiful country. Most indecisive country in the world. You’re the Netherlands, you’re also Holland. And when you meet someone you tell them to call you Dutch. You’ve been a country a long time now, pick a fucking name. Healthiest country in the world. Everyone bicycles every day in the Netherlands. Yet they’ve never won the Tour de France. Sad, dude. Twice. Switzer… No. That’s a Dutch myth. Yeah, that actually never happened. Netherlands, what’s your rank worldwide? What do you guys rank? We’re number one, but what do you guys rank? Last time I checked the charts, I didn’t see you guys on it. I know you’re one of the top 30 countries in Europe, but, you know, like worldwide, what’s the rank? You don’t know?
Let’s go to the stats. All right, Netherlands, uh, how many, uh…? How many gun murders a year do you have? Like three? Four? We have 30,000. And you know why? ‘Cause we’re number one. And think about it, why does America have so many more gun murders than the Netherlands? It’s because our country has superior aim. We’re… We’re better marksmen. You all have no hand-eye coordination. That’s… That’s why you’re playing soccer. That’s why you never won the World Series.
Netherlands, another question. Um… When a woman in Netherlands gives birth to a baby, how much time is she given off of work and maybe even paid for that time off of work? One year. Women in Netherlands are given a year of paid leave after giving birth. Know how much time women in America are given off of work after they give birth to a baby? Zero. And you know why? It’s because our women care about the economy. That’s why the euro is going down. Number one.
Netherlands, another question. Um… How many people imprisoned in the Netherlands? I don’t mean emotionally, but literally, how many people imprisoned in the Netherlands? – We close down prisons. – You close down your prisons? No. No one has the courage to steal? Just sad, dude. Just sad, dude. You probably have about 350 people in prison. We have 2.6 million people in prison in this country. That means we have a government that cares so much about its citizens it awards 2.6 million of them free meals and housing. And some of them are given a lifetime supply. And they cannot say no. It’s a mandatory gesture of unconditional love. I’m sorry your government hates you. We have 2.6 million people in prison in this country. Kim Kardashian has 50.7 million followers on Twitter. We are incarcerating the wrong people. That’s the way I see it.
I was just in Italy. Have you been there? – Did you like it? – Yes. Really? I was not impressed. I traveled all over Italy, not one Olive Garden in the entire country. All these tiny Italian restaurants that nobody’s ever even heard of before, not one good enough to warrant opening a second one and starting a chain. Just failing across the entire country. Sad, but… We even have the greatest Irish restaurant in the world, McDonald’s. That’s why the Irish have been moving here for decades. Now, where do you guys stand on professional sports teams using racist mascots? I’m against it. But what about McDonald’s and their mascot? Now, like I said, McDonald’s, greatest Irish restaurant, and the Irish are known for often having fair skin and reddish hair. And you look at the McDonald’s mascot, it’s literally a fucking clown. A painted white face, blood-red hair and nose. How is that not offensive to our friends in the Irish community? Why are they not marching and protest…? I think they must be too drunk to notice. I can’t think of one reason they’re not sticking up for themselves.
Question for the Europeans in the crowd. How come when you go to Europe nobody ever really tips the, uh, waiters and the waitresses at a restaurant? – They have better minimum wage. – No, sir. It’s because they have inferior waiters and waitresses. America has the most elite waitstaff on the planet. Plus we’re just a more generous country. We’re givers. That’s why we have military bases in over 80 different countries. We care. America has military bases in Europe, Europe has zero military bases in America. Why? Because they’re fucking selfish. And we have the best drones in the world. Drones are designed to do a surgical strike, to take out one person at a time. Ours often kill up to 20 or 25 people at a time. That’s an overachieving victory drone. Now, I’m against the military using drone strikes because it takes away American jobs. And… Now, outside the military, drones are starting to deliver packages. That takes jobs away from birds. This country used to have carrier pigeons, and now they are all out of work. That’s the real reason we have Angry Birds.
We’re the fattest country in the world. Another reason we’re number one, and we keep getting fatter. Why? Because the galaxy is expanding. We’re the only country adapting to it. European countries, you’re too healthy. Pretty soon you’re gonna lose your gravity and float in outer space, and then we will wobble over and take your land. That’s why California gets those earthquakes. Too many skinny people, not heavy enough to hold that earth down. The Midwest, no earthquakes because people are fucking solid.
I teach science part-time online at Dunkin’ Donuts Academy. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. We’re number one in type 2 diabetes. – Any other countries? – Canada. – Where? – Canada. Why did you say that? We were having a good time without… We’re all here having fun and you had to say Canada. Canada, do you realize we could’ve invaded you at any point in history? We were just never interested. We actually marched all the way through your country, skipped it, then took Alaska. Like, “You want this?” “No.” “What about this here?” “Not feeling it.” “Oh, look, Alaska. We’ll take that.” Canada, in the War of 1812, you burned down the White House and we still did not invade you. Because we came to the realization that living in Canada was punishment enough. So polite, Canada, so polite. I was just on Canadian Tinder. It was, uh… There was no swipe left, only swipe rights. Just… Too polite to say no to anybody. Said, “Well, not my type, but who knows, it could work out. It could work out.”
– A lot of Canadians hate America. – No. No, you do, but you don’t admit it because you’re too polite and nice. – That’s true! – And you hate us because you think we hate you. But we don’t hate you, we just don’t notice you. Canada is like, “America, show us some love. We’re Canada, we have free healthcare, no violence.” We’re like, “We’re busy.” You see, America, we’re the cheerleaders and the quarterbacks. And Canada is like the nerdy kid who just moved here even though he’s been here the whole fucking time. Understand what I’m saying? Canada gets American news. America does not get Canadian news unless it’s a story about a crackhead mayor acting like a stupid American. See, Canada, when you’re better than us, we ignore you. When you dumb it down, we wanna hang out. This will sum up the entire Canadian-American dynamic. As an American, you go to Canada, you don’t have to switch American money over to Canadian money. That’s how friendly and polite they are. They save you that hassle of going to the exchange place just so that you, a foreigner in their land, can have more free time. Very nice. If a Canadian comes to America and tries to put one little shiny, sparkly Canadian quarter into some dirty slot in an American parking meter, we’re like, “Get that fucking shit out of here.”
That’s the relationship. And as a result, Canada has low self-esteem. And there is proof in your money. Who is printed on American money? American presidents for the most part. And who is printed on a lot of Canadian money? The Queen of England. How do you think that makes the Queen of Canada feel? Dear Canada, before you want America to love you, learn to love yourself. We’re just a better country, Canada. You have red and white in your flag. We have red, white, and blue on our flag. That’s why we’re number one. We’ve got red, white, and blue in our flag just like Cuba and North Korea. We’re a flawless nation. America is the greatest country in the United States. You cannot argue that. How does it feel being in Canada, living so close to greatness? Yet so far away at the same time. It feels awesome. Way too much energy for Canada. Way too much energy.
Israel. – Where? – Israel. Cool. Where in Palestine are you from? – Any other countries? – Israel. – Where? – Here, Israel. – Where in Israel? – Right here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah… I ju… This is not Israel here, so… I’m from right here in Israel. Wow, no wonder why there’s so much conflict with Palestine. Like everywhere we go is Israel. Doesn’t matter. If, uh… we built settlements down here, yeah, that’s Israel. We take a plane to New York, that’s Israel, too. Okay? Wherever we go, it’s fucking Israel, okay? So, you’re from Israel? Cool. You’re Asian. Yes, you are. You’re Asian. Israel is in Asia. It’s not in Africa. It’s not in Europe. The Mideast is not a continent. You’re Asian. Jesus was Asian. Santa Claus is Asian. That’s why all the toys say “made in China.” I was just in China, met a 5-year-old boy. His toy said, “I made this.” I like China. China has my favorite air quality. I don’t trust the air in America. I don’t trust what I can’t see. In China, you can see it. I trust that. It’s honest air. Without transparency, they achieve transparency.
You’re from Israel, what should happen? Should Israel have a two-state solution? A one-state solution? Or just a free-for-all? What should happen? – I’m gunning for the two states. – The two-state? Okay. So, you’re thinking maybe you should do what we did in our country with Carolina? For centuries it was just Carolina, and… they were always at war with each other. North… The north part of Carolina was building settlements in the southern parts and making life very, very difficult for them. They would sometimes throw rocks back at them, and… And then we split them up into two completely separate states. North and South Carolina. And now they are the two most shining examples of perfect states in our country. North Carolina and South Carolina have had zero problems and are the best states in the nation since we did that, so… I don’t know, maybe you’re right, or maybe not.
Uh… How about you? What do you do? You look like you teach chess to cops. Smart but solid. Sounds good to me. – Yeah? Where is home? Australia? – Yeah. – What part? – Melbourne. It’s pronounced Melbourne. Yeah, it’s Melbourne. You almost got it. You almost got it. Melbourne. M-E-L-B-O-U-R-N-E. Melbourne. Australians are always mispronouncing their own names. They don’t say Melbourne, they say Melbourne. They don’t say Perth, they say Perth. And it has nothing to do with your accent. I mean, as a country, you’re acist against the letter R. I think the actual name of your country is Raustralia. But you efused to say R more than one time in a word.
Australia, you’re a lot like America. But you’re a lot behind us. You’re a lot younger than us. You’re a big country like us, but you’ve only got cities along the coast. You’ve got nothing in the middle. Here in America, we’ve got cities along the coast and throughout the middle. Except nobody wants to visit the cities in the middle. So, even though you’re behind, you’re actually ahead. Well done, Raustralia.
Now, ahem… Australia, why are you so far away from the rest of the world? What’s up with that? I think it’s because you’re scared. Of every country. Except
Okay, where you from? – Denmark. Denmark, very nice, too. That’s Scandinavia. Beautiful part of the world. Interesting part of the world, Scandinavia. Almost all white people… yet still segregated. The popular people are in Sweden, the rich people in Norway, artsy people in Denmark, and the depressed nerds with zero self-esteem waiting to kill themselves are in Finland. And… the people you do not even acknowledge are in Iceland. So, it’s interesting how you work out these things.
Is anyone from another, uh, state? Anyone from another state? – Where are you from? – Chicago. Chicago. Correct answer would’ve been Illinois. See? That’s Americans right there. We’re dumb, but we’re confident. One of the many reasons we’re number one. – Where did you grow up? – Spain. – Where? – From Spain. It’s pronounced España. España. Why do you change the name of your country when you go to other countries? – You call it España? – Sure. Sure? You’re just agreeing with me now? Or like is that the answer? – Seriously. – Okay. Then you should call it that in… Wherever you go. – Yeah. – Okay. When someone from the United States goes to Spain they don’t say they’re from Estados Unidos. They get it wrong in a different way. They say they’re from the States. But no one ever here, if someone asked if they’re from here, say they’re from the States. If you’re already here and you say you’re from the States, they will think you’re not fucking from here. I met some people a few weeks ago and I asked them where they were from and they said South Korea. I’m like, “No, just say Korea.” ‘Cause when you say South Korea it sounds like you’re North Korean pretending to be South Korean. If you’re here and you’re from one of the Koreas, we know it’s South Korea.
What’s the lamest state in the country? What’s the lamest state? – Utah. – No, no, no. – Delaware. – No. – Delaware. – No. – New Jersey. – All inferior states, yes, but not the lamest. The lamest? Washington state. It’s the only state that has to specify that they’re a state. Because if you just say Washington, you think Washington, D.C. Which is not even a state. You don’t say, “Where you from?” “Virginia state.” Yeah… No. But Washington state you say. How about this table, where are you from? – New York. – New York, that’s here, sir. Sir, let me explain something. You ask someone where they’re from and they say the name of the city you’re currently at, it implies you don’t know where the fuck you are, okay? – Where in New York do you live? – Tribeca. Tribeca. It’s a very dangerous neighborhood. Look at someone the wrong way on the streets of Tribeca, they might unfollow you on Instagram. Tribeca is one of the most diverse neighborhoods in New York City. Where else can you find hedge fund CEOs living right next door to venture capitalists? Both upstairs from a CVS that’s inside of a Walgreens. Which are both inside a Citibank. Where else can you find that but the melting pot that is New York City? Our slogan is “Welcome to New York.” We are the only city whose slogan is sarcastic. Like, “What is this shit? The ATM just took an additional $60 out of my account. Holy fuck, where’s my phone?” Welcome to New York. Our slogan is “go fuck yourself.” A lot of the new kids moving here do not know that. They listen to Taylor Swift sing a song called “Welcome to New York.” And when she sings it, she means it. That’s not right. I’m trying to tell you if you’re walking around the city, and you happen to see Taylor Swift, rob her. So that she can learn what her own song means. ‘Cause she doesn’t fucking know.
The new regime wants to bring back the policing tactic of stop-and-frisk. What do you guys think about that? I’m against it. Stop-and-frisk was proven to be unconstitutional and ineffective. Studies show that 90 percent of the people who were stopped and frisked by police were black and Latino men. And 95 percent of the time they were stopped and frisked, they were innocent. There was no reason for them to be stopped and frisked, yet they were stopped and frisked. So, what does that mean? Cops are gay. Cops are gay. And they prefer black and Latino men 90 percent over all other men. And I think that is discriminatory towards other men who want to be molested and squeezed by sweaty cops. That’s my stance.
A friend of mine just went to a pro-police brutality rally, and the cops beat the shit out of him, they… Be very careful what protests you go to. Protesting, one of the most important things you can do, just double-check which one of these you’re going to. If you’re transgender you should be able to go to whatever bathroom you think you should go to. I don’t know what the deal about that is. I think we all grew up in households with unsegregated bathrooms. It’s not until we ventured out in the public they started segregating bathrooms. And I think even more importantly, as a nation, we need to start shitting outside again and marking our territory and taking this country back from the other animals. – Yeah. – Other animals try to infiltrate us. Look at dogs, they’re wearing clothes now trying to be like us. We’ve gotta stamp this out before it’s too big of a problem. I think God is fake news. No, not your God. I’m talking about that other God. People are freaking out about fake news like it’s something new. What about the horoscope section in the newspaper? That’s been fake news for at least a couple of months at this point, right? Kale is delicious. Fake news. That’s fake news. It’s fake news.
I think O.J. Simpson… is innocent. I saw the trial, he was in court. They put a glove recovered from the murder scene, tried to put it on his hand, his hand was too big. The glove did not fit. Donald Trump has very small hands. Donald Trump framed O.J. Simpson for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Trump is a career racist. At the time, O.J., one of the most popular black men in America. It’s a closed case. And if you disagree with me, you’re fucking racist. Well, they say love wins. I think hate has a pretty strong track record. – Do you think love wins? – No. – No. – No. No, it doesn’t. Because love is not a competition. If you view love as something about winning or losing, you don’t know what love is about.
Sometimes I get deep. You gotta be fucking ready for it. I think Trump was an excellent candidate for hate. I think Bernie was a good candidate for love. I think Hillary was neither. So, love never even got to the finals. Well, who is ready to join the rebellion and fight for democracy? That’ll do it. Yeah. That was just the energy level necessary to overthrow a dictatorship. I… I think some of that energy and a couple of new apps, and, uh, we’ll be just fine. Apps make the world go around. Always remember it was the, uh, Voting Rights app of 1965 that got black Americans the voter protection they needed. And it was not until the great ice bucket challenge of 1920 that women got the right to vote. Once that went viral, things worked out perfectly for women forever without a glitch. Think we should have had a recount? – Yeah. – Yes. I don’t think we should have had a recount. Because I think as a nation one of our strong points is not math. Well, it’s official, Donald Trump is the 45th greatest president of the United States. I… I just can’t believe that Donald Trump is now living in government housing. You know, he has fallen off so hard. He used to be at the top, now he is in the projects. He is in the White House. Fifty bucks says in six months he tries to flip it, sell it for a profit. If Trump had any balls he’d do his next press conference in fluent Russian just to fuck with people.
I did not vote for Donald Trump. I wrote in Eric Trump. I just think he’s so cool. Eric Trump always looks like he just realized he lost his keys. He always looks like he just found out someone else is sleeping with his wife, and it’s his dad. He can’t do anything about it ’cause it’s also his boss.
We live in an oligarchy, but with, uh, humidity it feels like a dictatorship. I don’t think the mother of all bombs did a good job raising her kids. I think Mike Pence thinks being gay is a choice because he made a choice to be straight. Mike Pence was just in Korea, near the DMZ. He made a speech and he said the era of strategic patience is over. So, I guess he’s coming out of the closet any second now. I’m against North Korea using nuclear weapons. Because that is cultural appropriation of the United States, and that is not okay. I think I’m gonna have to be the next president. Yup, 2017, that’s my year. Not waiting until 2020. 2017. I’m challenging Trump tomorrow, three o’clock, White House parking lot. I’ll be like, “Let’s go, Trump. One-on-one for the presidency. Oh. You wanna wait three years? Are you scared? Let’s fucking go now.” I’ll take him down in the first debate. I’ll be like, “Yeah, Trump, I’ve got a question. How can you look at your two sons, Donald and Eric, and still be pro-life? How can you do that? You have two minutes to answer the question. One minute for each son. Done.”
He does have a big following, but I will defeat him. He’s got some of the Republican vote, some of the Democrat vote, some of the antiestablishment vote, he’s got the racism vote, he’s got the sexism vote, and now with the support of Chris Christie and Ben Carson, he has the sleep apnea vote as well. But I will defeat him. Any questions about my presidential platform for 2017? Any issues close to your heart you would like me to address? Nothing? You lead privileged lives.
There’s not one issue you’re concerned about? Global warming. Everybody’s gotta start taking off their clothes. It’s getting hot, it’s time everybody starts appreciating each other’s bodies. Solid question. – Yes. Over here. – Healthcare. Healthcare? We don’t need it. We’re Americans, we’re strong. Europeans need it because they’re inferior and they have no confidence. When I’m president I say everyone gets healthcare. Except the insurance companies. Fuck them. We kill them off first then we can really change lives. A lot of European countries look down on America ’cause they have healthcare, and we don’t. But at least we have air conditioning. Air conditioning is illegal in Europe. At least in America, we can get a fatal disease and have the dignity of rotting in a cooled-down apartment. Instead of being stuck all healthy and sweaty in Belgium, or as I call it, the Delaware of Europe. No one has been to Delaware. See? No one has been to Delaware. Maybe you drove through it accidentally and you were like, “What the fuck is this?” Then you said, “Oh, it’s the first state? I guess we’ve made a lot of improvements since then. Let’s try to forget this shit ever happened.”
When I’m president I’m gonna make Puerto Rico the 50th state. I’m demoting Delaware. It’s our first state, we’ve yet to be impressed. Puerto Rico is getting a shot. International policies. Foreign policy step one, invade North Dakota. Send North Korea a message. Strategy, strategy. Foreign policy step two, invade Switzerland. That’s what they get for being neutral all these years. When you are silent, you side with the oppressors. How will we defeat them? By using their own Swiss army knives against them. We’ll poke them with that, cut them up with those little scissors. We will defeat them physically and psychologically. And it will not cost us a dime because we will use their Swiss army knives. Foreign policy step three, unblur Japanese porn. Hear me out. It’s more complicated than you think. It goes back all the way to World War II where there were a lot of atrocities. One of them, we dropped two nuclear bombs on Japan killing thousands and thousands, devastating their country for decades. Thirty-five years later, Japan blurred the genitals in their porn. Victory: Japan. It’s time for a truce. Let me ask you a question. Do you like Hawaii? – Never been. – Okay. Well, as president I’m gonna move it to Lake Michigan. Hawaii is beautiful, it is too far away. Move it to Lake Michigan, it’s a five-minute canoe ride from downtown Chicago. Easier for the entire country to visit. Do you all like California? Yeah! Do you like New York? Both cool, again too far away. I have a solution. California here, New York here. We take the bulk of the Midwest and we move it above Canada. New York and California come closer together. You can now take the E train from the Empire State Building to In-N-Out Burger in 23 minutes. By moving all of that land around, that’s gonna create jobs. Yeah! Economy thing. I’ll solve the homeless crisis in this country. A lot of homeless in this country. And what else do we have a lot of in this country? Cars. Right? Young man, what do cars run on? Gas. No, roads actually, sir. Roads. Cars run on roads. And what do some roads have? Tollbooths. Little houses. We make the homeless full-time, live-in tollbooth operators. They’re already good at asking for change. It’s a perfect fit. It’s a perfect fit. I just solved the homeless crisis in America. I think the term homeless can be derogatory. At the beginning of time, everyone was homeless. So, I prefer the term old-fashioned. – Any other issues? – Abortion. Mandatory. Mandatory. I’m a feminist, I’m for women’s rights 100 percent. You want your rights, you got them. As a nation we are overpopulated. Ladies, this is your chance to shine. I’m for women’s rights 100 percent. When I’m president, I’m not gonna have a first lady. Because I think ranking women is sexist. A lot of women in this country get paid less than men to do the same job. It’s a disgrace to the nation. So, I’m gonna make pay equality a reality by lowering men’s wages. We will now have the equality we’ve always dreamed of. Parenthood is usually better when it’s planned, so, uh, we’ll keep Planned Parenthood. I, uh… I actually became a father when I was 15. And at the time I realized I wasn’t mature enough to raise a child of my own, so I adopted. I think I did the right thing. – Any other issues? – Same-sex marriage. You’re talking about gay marriage? Okay, also mandatory. Also mandatory. If you’re a guy and you wanna marry a girl, you’ve gotta fuck a dude first. If you make that work, your relationship with a woman will be pretty simple someday. Plus, some gay guys like hooking up with a straight guy, and all women love putting men through tests. So, it’s a win-win-win situation. Gay marriage was legalized about a year ago. There were a lot of celebrations in New York City. It’s a very exciting time. It was a conflicting time for me because I love gay people, but I hate rainbows. I, uh… I think rainbows are offensive to the blind. I used to be blind. But then I went gluten-free and cleared that shit right up. – Oh, my God. – Now I have better than perfect vision. These glasses make my eyes weaker. If I took these glasses off, your vision would get blurry. You’re welcome.
Any other issues? – Immigration. – What? Immigration. You can stay, you can stay. Sometimes you’ve gotta do the right thing. But I’m deporting your friend at 8:30 tomorrow. I don’t like his attitude. When it comes to immigration, let everyone in, have a big party. Unless we have proof someone’s a violent criminal, we need border security. And I have a plan. To seal the borders I’m going to hire the company that makes DVD wrappers. If it takes an hour and a half to open up a DVD package, imagine what they can do with the borders. And if a criminal does sneak through, he gets a free DVD. He gets a free DVD, takes him an hour to open it, and you fucking nail him there. Immigration is a very tricky subject. Just last year, 10,000 children came up through Central American countries, through Mexico, across the U.S. border, and then got busted in Texas. Our government was trying to decide: “What do we do with these 10,000 desperate children?” I think we should have let them stick to their plan, which was get to Canada. I think it’s presumptuous of us to think we were their final destination. We have no healthcare, we’re overcrowded. Canada has free healthcare and could use a few fucking people. Woo! I’m also gonna build a wall through the middle of Mexico. That way they’ll get confused and sneak into Mexico. Strategy. Strategy. Any other issues? We’re getting a lot done. Any other issues? – Legalized pot. – No. What are you, afraid to break the law? You’re sitting at home all day going, “I wanna smoke pot, but I don’t wanna get caught and get in trouble”? Toughen the fuck up, break the law. Be a rebel, break the law. Now, I’m a drug war reenactor, and, uh… If you get busted for doing drugs, tell the cops you’re a drug war reenactor, they get confused, it sounds pro-military, sometimes they let you off. I don’t do drugs. I’m a role model to children. But I believe doing drugs is a personal choice, not the government’s business. So, yeah, when I’m president I’m gonna legalize drugs. But I’m not gonna start with marijuana. I’m gonna start with heroin. If we legalize heroin first, it will be very easy to legalize marijuana after that. Strategy, strategy. You’ve gotta know how to work Congress. Fuck it, I’ll start by legalizing crystal meth. I’ll sidestep Congress. I’ll take it to the people. I’ll mail everyone in the country an envelope. You mail back teeth, that’s a yes. Power to the people. Climate change. I am for climate change. I don’t want the same weather every day. That’s fascism. Who thinks climate change is real? Who thinks it’s man-made? – Yeah. – Yeah. That’s where you’re wrong. Think about it. Temperatures are going up, glaciers are melting, sea levels are rising. Why? Fish are trying to take over the planet. Earth has always been 71 percent water. Now fish want the whole fucking thing. Eat as much sushi as you can. Japan has been leading the way on this for years, it’s time for the rest of the world to step it the fuck up. I teach science part-time online at ChristianMingle.com. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. So, you think climate change is real? You think it’s bad? You’d like to curb it? – And where is home for you? – Uh, Baltimore. – Baltimore? Okay. – Yeah! And do you live in a…? Do you live in a house or an apartment? I live in… Well, I live in New Jersey now, but I’m from Baltimore. Okay, first of all, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. In New Jersey, do you live in a house or an apartment? – Apartment. – In an apartment. – And is it a new or old building? – From the ’80s, so it depends on… – Uh, what floor are you on? – Third. – You have an air conditioner? – Yeah, thank God. Then you are for climate change. Air conditioning literally is climate change. Unless you have your air conditioner on, build a fire in your living room, and let them battle it out, then you are fighting climate change. Otherwise, you’re part of the fucking problem. We’ve gotta save water, people. We’ve gotta save water. That’s why I don’t shower. I just smear hand sanitizer all over my body. I’m sticky, but I’m clean. And I’m saving the planet. Any other questions about my presidency? – Any other issues? – Russia. Russia. We show them Rocky IV. Russia has never seen the entire film Rocky IV. Rocky IV was released in Russia, but it was a heavily edited version. They cut it down to 17 minutes. It ended when Apollo Creed died in the ring and they freeze-framed on Rocky’s crying face. So, they showed it 80 times a day in the theaters. The highest grossing film ever in Russia. They never saw the ending, so we have to show them the real movie and that will clear it up. The point is I think we should build a wall. Around Donald Trump. – Yeah! – I, uh… Put, uh… Put mirrors on the inside, that way he’s happy, and… I think when Mexico hears about this they’ll be like, “You know what? We’d like to pay for this. We think this is a bueno investment.”
– Coal. – The economy. We don’t need to bring back coal, but I’ll bring back the VCR repairman jobs. This country was built on VHS tapes. VHS repair jobs used to be the biggest industry in the nation. It was the heart of our economy, and now it’s gone to shit. VHS is the premier way to watch a movie at home. Sure, those critics out there will tell you that Blu-ray has a sharper image, but VHS is sharper emotionally.
And… When I’m president I’m gonna make college free. You gotta pay for high school. You gotta pay for high school. You’re gonna pay for it one way or the other. Might as well be cash. And I’m going to raise the minimum wage to 15 bucks an hour. And I’m going to lower the maximum wage to 14.50. Put those CEOs in their place. Who here recycles? I’m gonna ban recycling. Because I think segregating garbage is racist. Brown v. Board of Education, 1954, separate is not equal. All the trash gets put in this disgusting dirty bag while the recyclables get a cute little shower and then put in this privileged sky blue clear bag. It’s not right. And I’m gonna ban brunch. Because I am against corporate mergers. Breakfast and lunch coming together. It’s too much power. I’m gonna break it up.
And I’m gonna ban the Winter Olympics. It’s wrong that whatever country wins the most medals at the Winter Olympics gets to invade Ukraine. I don’t know why that is part of the official Olympic platform, but I’m against it.
And I’m gonna add three moons. This is America, we shouldn’t have to share our moon with any other country. If we add three, we’ve got a total of four, now werewolves can go out and party once a week. They’re restricted to once a month. That’s why they get violent. They’ve been in solitary for 30 days straight. Mermaids have been protecting our ocean borders for over 200 years and still do not have the right to vote. It’s wrong.
The key to surviving the zombie apocalypse is… dentistry. Before they turn into zombies, the dentists extract their teeth, and then they gnaw on you with their gums and just give you a nice massage. Just relax the whole planet. Zombies plus dentistry equals world peace.
– Has anyone here ever seen a UFO? – Yeah. Really? I have never seen a UFO. Because I’ve always been able to correctly identify the alien spacecraft that I have come across. You see, that’s the difference between you and me. Do you think dinosaurs went extinct? I do not. I think dinosaurs are bone creatures who live underground. And archaeologists dig them up, ripping them out of their homes and murdering them. And then they sell their body parts to museums where they are put on display to scare children. It’s a big problem.
Other questions about my presidential platform? Gun control. I think if Jesus had been American, and had a gun, he’d still be alive today. They try to nail him to the cross, he’d be like, “Not so fast, you pieces of shit.” Jesus, America, victory. In a perfect world people would be good enough at karate so they wouldn’t need a gun, but I realize not everyone can be a karate hero like myself. Now, it’s not my style, but if you have a gun and you go hunting and eat what you hunted, that should be okay. But if you have a gun and kill a person, right to jail. Unless you eat the person, then I think it should be okay. Let’s get a friendly poll here, nobody’s opinions are wrong, nobody boo, let’s get a friendly poll. Who here, by round of applause, wants less guns? Okay. Who wants more guns? Okay, you’re both wrong. Karate is the answer to gun control. Fists don’t run out of knuckles, feet don’t have to reload, elbows don’t get jammed. I live in New York City. A guy tried to mug me last year and he had a gun, but I had a bucket of diarrhea. I dumped it over his head, he shot himself. That’s karate strategy. New York City has a program to get illegal guns off the street. Guns for cash. Where if you have an illegal gun, you can turn it in, the government won’t ask any questions, they give you $200, that illegal gun is off the street. When I’m president, I’m doing the exact same thing nationwide, except with Ashton Kutcher movies. If you own a movie starring Ashton Kutcher, you can turn it in, no questions asked… and we will give you $500,000… and a gun. Just trying to make America better.
How do you feel about parents who don’t vaccinate their kids? I don’t think anti-vaxers are anti-science. I think they are just pro-diseases’ rights. And it’s about time somebody stands up for bacteria. Fracking, where do you stand? For or against it? I’m for it. I think they’re just trying to kill the devil. If they drill deep enough one day they’ll hit the devil right in the skull. I guess you guys are pro-devil. – Are you all religious? Yes? No? – No. It’s okay. How religious are you? If you see a big building, do you call it a skyscraper or heaven tickler, what do you say? I’m just trying to gauge. The Bible says love thy neighbor as thyself. What if you hate yourself? That’s caused some problems over the years. I used to think I was Jewish. I used to think I was Jewish. And then some Jewish people told me I wasn’t Jewish. According to a lot of Jewish people, unless your mom’s Jewish, you’re not Jewish. No fucking exceptions. My name’s very Jewish. My dad’s Jewish, but my mom’s Catholic. A lot of Jewish people, when they meet me think I’m Jewish by their definition, and when they find out my mom’s Catholic they think I tried to trick them into thinking I was Jewish and I’m some kind of evil fake Jew. According to Hitler, if one grandparent was Jewish, he considered you Jewish and had you sent for extermination. So, in a way, Hitler was actually more inclusive of the Jews than many Jews today. Racism, where do you stand? For it or against it? A lot of undecided. Racism, big problem, but we’re still number one at it. Racism is everywhere you look, it’s part of the country’s founding structure, it’s still there and it’s never gonna get better unless people at least start talking about it. It’s everywhere you look. Hollywood’s racist. Anyone know what the first Hollywood blockbuster ever made was? – Birth of a Nation. – Birth of a Nation, 1915, based on a book called The Clansman. And in the movie, the KKK are the good guys. Hollywood should be like, “Yeah, we fucked up on that one, sorry.” Start a dialogue. Then there’s a chance things can get better. A lot of black people in the movie are white people in blackface. Hollywood should be like, “Yeah, we fucked up there. Sorry.” Hollywood will take a white show and make it whiter. Anyone remember the show Everybody Loves Raymond? The lead actor, Italian-American, dark brown hair. His wife on the show, dark brown hair. Their three little kids on the show? All blond. That’s Hollywood taking a white show and making it whiter. If they’re whitewashing a white show, imagine what they’re doing to any other show if that show gets a chance. But that’s what Hollywood’s about. It’s about thin, blond and white. So, how do we solve this problem? We invade Sweden. We invade Sweden, the blondest, whitest country in the world, and everyone will be like, “Why did America bomb Sweden?” And we’re like, “Because Hollywood’s racist.” That’s the American way. When we have a problem, we invade the wrong country and everything is perfect. Hollywood has made some progress, though. Uh… The TV show How to Get Away with Murder changed its name to Become a Cop. I was like, “That’s a pretty bold move coming from a corporate network like that.” What’s your favorite Asian film Hollywood made? Mine’s The Last Samurai, starring Tom Cruise. Good job, Hollywood. Good job there, too. Racism is everywhere you look. I think astronauts are racists. Yeah, I said it, buddy. I think astronauts are racists. – What year did we land on the moon? – ’69. 1969, right at the tail end of the civil rights era. Right when black Americans had been marching and protesting and getting some legislation passed so they could get a bit of human rights. And a bunch of white guys got on a rocket and left the planet. To start an all-white race on the moon. I’m not even gonna guess what the N in NASA stands for. I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna do it. And they didn’t bring any women because they were sexist. They were afraid of being defeated by a woman in a no-gravity zone. So, they made their new home the moon, or as they called it, “White Junior.” I think the New York City Marathon is racist. Ten thousand white people chasing five Africans. The most racist sporting display I have ever seen. I’m like, “Stop chasing them, they’ve done nothing wrong. And you’re not gonna catch them… you fucking slow racists.” And if you didn’t laugh at that, you might be a fucking slow racist. I wanna talk terminology for a second. A question for black people in the audience, just to make everyone uncomfortable, the term black, is it preferred? Or African-American? – Hello? Hello? – Oh, my God. – Anyone wanna answer the question or…? – Black is fine. You like black? Okay. What about this? You hear this on the news. Sometimes the news will refer to a black person as a person of color. You don’t like that? Okay. If the news refers to a black person as a person of color, they should start referring to white people as a person without color. Sad. Just fearing the sun every day, praying for the night. White people are so oppressed, living on a planet that circles the very thing they fear every day. Since the beginning of time. All right, let’s lighten up the mood a little bit. Uh… Reparations. Reparations. Should black Americans receive reparations? One person says yes, the rest of you, fucking racist. Fucking racist, remember their faces. I think black Americans should receive reparations. How do you think it should be given out? No ideas? Nothing? – Economic allowances. – Trump Tower! Economic allowances. Okay. I was thinking white slavery. White slavery. If you’re black American, you can own Donald Trump. Please! Or his creepy kid Eric, he could be a house slave. Donald, way out in the field. Far, far, far from the home. – Whoa, what did you drop? – A candle. A candle? Okay. Sorry, can’t relate. I’ve, uh… I’ve never dropped anything before. I have perfect grip, so just… I’d like to relate to what you’re going through, but I can’t. I hope you can power through.
– ISIS. – Are you afraid of ISIS? – You tell me. – Yeah, I think you are. I think that’s the reason you asked the question. Have you ever had a close call with ISIS? You ever get home late at night… honey’s like, “How was your day?” You’re like, “Pretty good, almost got fucked up by ISIS. Fortunately it worked out.” Nothing to worry about. That’s the news trying to scare you. The news is talking about something from another country, and it’s coming here, so you better be scared. They do the same thing with diseases. Like the Zika virus. It’s a disease from another country and it’s coming, so be scared. Nothing to worry about. Look at me. I’ve had Ebola for six weeks. I’m fucking perfect. A few years ago it was the swine flu. When that happened, I gave a pig the human flu. Fight back. Fight back. This country needs to toughen the fuck up.
– Any other issues? – Citizens United. I think we should… Citizens should unite against Citizens United. I think… You just earned yourself a cabinet position, well done. I think eventually everyone gets the death penalty. It should really be called the murder penalty. If you were on death row, what would you request for your last meal? Taco Bell. Okay. I’d request the finger of the guy flipping the electric switch. Buy myself a few extra minutes. For a beverage I’d request the blood from the warden’s body. And then my dessert would be freedom. You see? Strategy, strategy. You gotta look at the big picture, not just the short satisfaction. Europeans and Canadians live longer than Americans. Americans die sooner than Europeans and Canadians. – And why is that? – Healthcare. No, it’s because we’re efficient. We get shit done faster. You Europeans and Canadians are slow, you’re lazy, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, and you’re greedy. You’re taking all this time to get shit done, you never accomplish anything. We get shit done and let it go, we let the next generation take over. We’re progressive that way, we share, you know. Uh, you guys are clock hoggers. You know, just… Sexual education? I don’t think it should be part of school. I, uh… It should be something you learn on your own. It might not work out well, but you’ll remember it better. Comprehension, very important, everybody. Very important. It’s not what you learn, it’s how well you learn it. How do you approach income inequality? How much you need? How much you need? National drinking age. How old are you? – How old are you? – Old enough. – How old are you? – Twenty-eight. I’m raising it to 29. What about North Korea? Okay, this guy’s a spy. This guy’s a spy. Nobody talk to this guy after the show. Don’t give him a hug, he’ll plant something on you. He’ll plant a tracker or something.
Second row, what’s your name? What do you do? – Yeah. – I work in social media. Social media. What is that? I help… I help brands be good at social media. You help brands be good at social media. So, what’s an example of a brand being good at social media? I don’t understand. – It’s complicated. – It’s complicated? So, what are some of these brands? Bud Light is one. – Bud Light? – Yeah. Does anyone follow Bud Light on Twitter? Because, you know, there’s lots of stuff happening in the world these days… and when I see some breaking news, I wanna be like, “What does Bud Light think about this?” What would your presidential slogan be? Worst question of the night, sir. No slogan. It’s a movement, buddy. It’s beyond that. I expected better from you, dude. – Your running mate. – What? – Your running mate? – I won’t have a running mate. First, I’m not running for president. I’m standing for president. Running means you’re scared. And I will not have a VP because I view having an assistant as a sign of weakness. Heroes stand alone and get shit done. If I had a vice president, the first thing I’d do in office, I’d karate kick him in the face. Let him know who runs this fucking country.
– Any other issues? – Term limits. I think we should have term limits for citizens. Everyone gets four years, and if you do a good job and your neighbors don’t think you’re an asshole you can stay for another four. Maybe people would be a little nicer to each other that way.
We have a lot of weird holidays in America. Christopher Columbus Day, that’s a weird one. It’s about the guy, Christopher Columbus, who discovered America. Germany, do you have a holiday about the person who discovered Germany? No? Then I guess it’s not a country worth celebrating. It’s a weird holiday, Christopher Columbus Day. He’s the guy, Christopher Columbus, who discovered America. Even though there was millions of people living here for thousands of years. He called them Indians. He thought he landed in India, but he landed in America. But he just kept calling them Indians. They pretty much slaughtered all Indians, and we have a holiday celebrating that guy. That’s kind of weird. How should we celebrate Christopher Columbus Day? Here’s a thought. You know when you’re in a big building on a high floor and go down to the lobby, but the elevator’s crowded and someone else has pressed floor three, but you weren’t paying attention, so when the elevator stops on floor three you get off because you think it’s the lobby, and instead of realizing that and turning back around into the crowded elevator and admitting you’re a moron, you’re like, “Hey, sorry, I’m a fucking idiot. I wasn’t paying attention. I thought it was the lobby.” No, you don’t admit it, you just stay on floor three and you pretend it’s the lobby. And then you murder everyone on floor three. That’s how we should celebrate Christopher Columbus Day. Just a thought, just a thought.
Thanksgiving, that’s an American holiday. Canada, you celebrate Thanksgiving. On the wrong day, but you celebrate it. And, Canada, what are you thankful for? That you border America. That’s it, that’s all you got. Germany, you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s because you got nothing to be thankful for. Always try to remember that. We celebrate it because we’re such a narcissistic country we need a holiday to force us to say thank you once a year. Because normally we do not say thank you. We say “you’re welcome” a lot. Often after a country did not say “thank you.” They usually said, “Ouch. Cut it out, stop.” And we’re like, “You’re welcome.” Why do we have turkey on Thanksgiving? Does anyone know? Why do we have turkey on Thanksgiving? Are you completely uneducated? Nobody knows? It’s okay if you don’t. The government doesn’t want you to know the truth. The real reason we have turkey on Thanksgiving is because just 80 years ago this entire country was enslaved by turkeys. And it was not till we invented the baster we were able to rise up and conquer the evil turkey. That’s why today on Thanksgiving not only do we kill and eat a turkey, we stuff shit up its ass to humiliate the turkey and send the message that it never happens again. I teach American history part-time online at Axe Body Spray University. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. What’s Christmas about? – Presents. – Presents? No. Jesus. Wrong again. – America. – Nope, it’s about killing trees. Because just 90 years ago, this entire country was ruled by trees. And it was not until we invented the ax that we conquered the tree. That’s why on Christmas, not only do we kill a tree, we put it up in our living room by the window so other trees can see it, and let them know we’re not fucking around. Sometimes we put up a fake tree to let them know they can be replaced at any time. And then we give each other presents to show our human superiority, and presents are wrapped in paper, which is made out of trees. Know your fucking history, people.
Can you believe that we’re the only country that celebrates the Fourth of July? America’s birthday, most important holiday on the planet, and we’re the only ones celebrating it. It’s fucked up. A lot of countries hate America. Why do some countries hate America? Let’s hear it, foreigners. We’re all friends. Why do some countries hate America? They’re trying to police the world. We try to police the world. Because we bomb countries that never attack us. That’s what the government refers to as a nonissue. Way off, buddy. The real reason other countries hate America is because America has the greatest cheese in the world. American cheese is the greatest cheese on Earth. That’s why each slice comes in its own protective wrapping. To preserve and protect the subtle nuances and amazing super glory of justice that is American cheese. Other countries don’t have the technology to replicate it, so they’re jealous and they hate us. In France, you get a wedge of Brie, it’s unwrapped, broken cracker bits, bloody fingernails. It’s fucking disgusting. I teach international politics part-time online at Kambridge, with a K. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. Do you like the zoo? – No. – Yeah. – Why not? – Because they’re slaves. It’s true, they’re segregated. In theory the zoo is nice, but you go, it’s segregated. You have gazelles fenced in here… lemurs caged in over here. That’s why one day I’ll open up my own zoo. One room, every animal out for themselves. With a naked guy in the middle trying to get out alive. That’s a zoo. I’ll have some gorillas playing tug-of-war with an anaconda, 100 chickens attacking a giraffe. That’s a zoo. That’s right, I’m having chickens in my zoo. They’re the underclass of the animal world. I’m also gonna have pigeons, or as you might call them, homeless birds. What animal don’t you see at the zoo? The cow. But what do you see at the zoo? A snack bar, where you get a cheeseburger. So, cows are at the zoo, just in a different presentation. We have a lot of problems in this country, but we gotta appreciate the progress that we have made in certain areas. Twins, for example, today have full rights. Forty years ago, twins had no rights in this country. Forty years ago, you could kill a twin, it wouldn’t matter. On trial for murder, judge would be like, “You killed a man.” You go, “Yeah, Your Honor, but there’s a fucking other one right there.” And he’d be like, “Oh, my bad.” Then they’d just let you off. But today, twins are safe. It’s still legal to kill a triplet in this country, but twins are safe. – What are you doing later tonight, buddy? – Tonight? Catch up with some mates, smoke some weed. Pretty nice. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I got a copy of Planet of the Apes, and tonight I’m gonna break into the zoo and screen it for the apes. Start a revolution. Humans made a film about the apes but never showed it to the apes. That’s not right. Tonight, that’s gonna change. Do you wanna go? Sorry, apes only. This is their time. I’m actually going on vacation tomorrow. I’m excited, going away for three weeks. – It’s gonna be great. – Where you going? Coney Island. Coney Island. For three weeks, gonna away from it all. Just relax, get some culture. Who knows? Maybe hook up with some island girls. See how it goes. You gotta see the world, people. Well, I expect all of your votes tomorrow. Yep. You guys have done a great job tonight. Sir, you started out as the worst audience member… and you worked your way up to the bottom 20 percent. I always knew you had that kind of potential. Sir, I did not talk to you… because I don’t like you. I think you have a serious attitude problem. As a matter of fact, nobody make eye contact with him after the show. Well… I recommend that you guys, uh, stick around after the show and watch the credits. I heard they’re really cool. Other questions before I go? Any other questions? Any other issues? – Trade. – Trade? I’m gonna trade you for another audience member. Any other issues before I go? – Marijuana. – Immigration. Marijuana, immigration, good combination question. Only immigrants get to smoke pot. Yeah! Any other issues? The environment. You for it or against it? I don’t understand the question. As president I will keep the environment. I will not deport the environment or put a roof up over the country or a sky wall as some people are asking for. I think climate change won the Cold War. When I’m president I’m gonna move the border every day. Keep this country on its toes. I might have it go through Cincinnati one morning. They’ll be like, “What is going on?” I’ll be like, “Should’ve checked the border app on your phone.” Any other questions? Other questions? – Prison system. – What about the prison system? We have one of the most diverse prison systems in the world. Outsourcing in automation. Are you a robot or a human? Describe your perfect day. Anything where that doesn’t happen.