“Are you ready?” “Brokeba…homies”. That’s good. It’s about a six on that one. “Are you ready?” Pablo! Pablo! “All right, here we go.” No, that’s a three at most. “Alright. Hey.” “Hi, I’m William Hung. Hello.” That’s about a seven. Pablo! Pablo! “Are you ready? Are you? Are you ready?” Yes, I’m ready. Okay. Alright. Here we go. – Ouch. Yes! Thank you for coming out. Yeah, the music, yeah. So what’s up, San Jose? Scream at me! Right there, baby. Sing it! It’s good to be here.
I was in San Francisco last night. That place is just off the hook. Party. Drinking. You gotta go to rehab after you go to San Francisco. “Hi, my name is Pablo. It’s the lights of San Francisco!” I saw some band last night. Did you ever go on a blind date with a chick? This chick was hot. “Come on, let’s go out, let’s do it!” Let’s go to dinner. “Let’s go to a concert, let’s go!” Okay, anything for pussy. Come on, let’s go. We saw some Death Metal band. Yeah, the singer sings like… “This is pretty funny, who are they?” “This is real serious!” “Decomposure! That’s David Bloodclot from Decomposure.” Do we have some of that music? Play some of it. Yeah, that’s a jazzy part. “Yo, sing it, baby!” Cut it off. He gives me the album. “Here’s our album, man, play it when you’re…” And they took themselves seriously. “Our next song comes from our first album.” “What’s he saying? I don’t know.” “He’s a monster, he sings like a creature.” “Hell, yeah!” “And they all have goatees and look menacing.” “Right on. Badass. This song’s about politics and Israel. Hell, yeah.” They’re all idiots. “This song is from our first album, Fight for a Stupid Cause.” How do you write lyrics to that? “Umm, let’s see here. I don’t know if I…” “Maybe…” “Dude, how do you spell…?” “How do you spell that? I’ve got writer’s block.” “My musical influences are Cookie Monster…” “Is cookie! Is cookie!” “…Jabba the Hut…” “…my cat when it’s in pain..” “Come on, get it from here. Come on.” “Come on, get out.” “He’s a monster singer. Sounds like a creature.” Background bassist: Chewbacca. “Got my background orchestra.” Bullcrap. “I work part time at Hot Topic.” Have you seen the freaks that work there? I love that place. I want to get a good laugh. Let me go to the Hot Topic. They’re Gothic. They’re cool. Have you ever walked in there? “Can you help me?” Darkness falls across the land The midnight hour’s close at hand Selling clothes for you to return Every employee has lip rings or ear… They change them every day so they don’t know what hole to put them in. Maybe this one today. And black fingernail polish. That’s… There’s a leak somewhere. They’ve probably got leaks where they put their earrings… “Where’s that coming from?” “Get me a bucket of water so I can find it.” “There it is! Found it.” Lip rings! They’ve got lip rings. One’s okay, but like, twelve of them? Hellraiser! It looks like a paper shredder, or something. “Do you want your receipt, Sir?” “Credit cards are not working, man!” “I’ve got a chain that goes from my eyebrow to my ear-” “- all the way down to my nipple. I pull and it flushes the toilet.” “I’ve got a silver nugget in my pecker.” “Make it longer. Nuggets.” “I go through all the pain that I covered up.” “I’ve got a nugget. If I can’t get it up when I’m drunk, I use a magnet.” “Put it on the refrigerator. Get some lettuce, bread, beans, milk.” Beans. “Beans?”
“That’s right, man, and I’ve got tattoos, bro.” Every Death Metal guy has tattoos. “I’ve got tattoos that represent nothing.” “Well, this one represents I can’t hold my liquor at 3 a.m.” “And this one right here is a dragon, and skeleton-” “- that merges into…it transforms.” You ladies really screw up on your tattoos. “I’m going to get my little Japanese symbols.” Yeah, right. “Let’s tease him, girls. Come on.” “Let’s go to the nightclub and show how wild we are. Come on.” “It’s Japanese!” Hey, great. But I can’t read Japanese. “It means ‘freedom’. In Japanese.” In Korean it means ‘kick me’. “Stop it! Don’t!” You gotta live up to it, though. If you’ve got a tattoo, you’ve got to live up to it. “I’m wild, but deep inside I’m a big wuss.” “You want to party? Come on, what’s up?” They’re like, “No, I got a test in the morning”. Don’t be a rookie. If you wear a tattoo, like Cher. She knows how to wear a tattoo. You know Cher… Baby save all your tears The little string up the butt. If I can turn back time Yeah. She makes you feel. She knows the man’s mentality. You feel like you’ve had sex with her when you talk to her. Have you seen that video? If I can turn back time She’s on that big ol’ boat with the Navy guys. Every single one of them is thinking, “We’re going to fuck her!” And she leaves them, Blue balls you’ve got big blue balls Look at that picture. At the funhouse, “Make it in the mouth”. “Come on guys. One ball in, think of the prizes you can get.” “Come on down to the Fair Pablito. Here’s one, make it in the eye.” “We’re going to the fair, Booboo.” Ladies. “I’m going to get the American flag.” Or get Indian. Indian Cherokee. That’s what I’m going to get on my woman’s butt. “Right there. It means ‘all talk, no play’.” Ladies, if you want to turn on the guy, get the Xbox controller. Do that. “Game over.” Guys, if you get a tattoo, make it work for you. Right here, on your belly, get half a gun. “What’s up, man?” “Whoa, shit!” “He has a gun, whoa.” “I’m coming in this party, wassup?” “Whoa.” If you have a small pecker, get a bigger pecker. Get a police badge or something. You’re drunk in your car, a cop pulls you over. “I can drink in this jurisdiction.”
But thank you for coming out to the show here in San Jose. It’s great. San Jose, you’ve got that little train that goes into downtown. That’s kind of trippy. Bar, sidewalk, train. “Let’s drink and then…” No guardrails to help you out. Like a real train: “Watch out, you may die if you cross this.” This one just… You gotta watch out. I saw some guy running in a suit, and his tie is caught in there. “Hey, there’s my friend, I want to…” I’ve used the train to my advantage. “Come on, you want some crap?” “Wassup, step back, man. You want something, let’s do it.” “Step back…” You have no gentlemen’s club here. You have non-alcoholic nude bars. “I’m on my way to the non-alcoholic nude bar.” “A round of waters for all my friends.” “Get me an orange juice that tastes like melted popsicle and spit.” I know those… From the first… “It’s going to happen. She likes me. Yep.” “Dang, man!” It’s the non-alcoholic nude bar! I’d rather watch my sister shower naked. Non-alcoholic nude bar! You’ve only got Coke and whatever…water. Bring your own juice, they get pissed off. “You got your own juice? Get the hell out of here.” Bring your own liquor, that’s what you can do. Orange juice with a little bit of…mmm, vodka. The girls get pissed off at all naked bars. “It’s a fantasy, baby. It’s a fantasy.” “Where are you from? Come on, let’s party.” “This is a fantasy. While the song’s playing, we’re in it together.” “Then fantasize this one dollar bill is a twenty.” At the non-alcoholic nude bar! Then I went to San Francisco.
Chinatown. Chinatown. Alright. Chinatown, alright. Everybody walks fast in Chinatown. “Leave me alone. I very angry.” “Very sad. Very angry.” “Can you tell me where to go to a good restaurant?” “Leave me alone.” Everyone’s just walking fast. Everyone walks fast in Chinatown. If Chinatown had music, it would be… They walk fast in Chinatown… “I have to go to the bathroom…” Okay. “Very angry.” How do you get directions in Chinatown? “What you need to do is go…down… up…” “When you get to… you’ve gone too far.” They’re smart, though. They speak American and Chinese. Only when they step out of Chinatown, though. “…and I got the Dobson Report the other day.” “Let me go back there and check that out.” Chinatown. Chinatown. My friend lives in Chinatown. One of my best friends lives there. He lives in an all-Chinese residence. And you can hear the Chinese people having sex. The walls are thin, I thought it would be like… But it’s not like that. It’s like… “What, are they having sex? What’s going on over there?” “Are they fighting?” “That’s what I thought.” “I thought they were fighting, but they’re really getting it on.” They go slow and then they end quick. When they’re done, that music comes on. You want to see what they look like. Are they a hot couple? ‘Cause in Chinatown.
Everyone looks like Jackie Chan in Chinatown. Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! “Jackie Chan’s the nicest guy in every movie.” Thank you. Thank you. “But everybody wants to mess with him.” “Leave me alone. What happening?” Have you seen this movie? “What happening? Leave me alone!” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Do you want the diamonds? Leave me alone.” “He’s been taking martial arts for twenty-five years.” “But I want no trouble.” “I’ve just been studying punches and breaking necks, but for exercise.” “I want no… Leave me alone.” That’s every Jackie Chan movie… The guy is up to a headlock, kick. “You must make a stupid face when you do it.” “He can really take on 12 people, dude.” Bullcrap. Do you believe all that martial arts stuff? “Bruce Lee is badass.” They put some colored paint on his chest. “He can really take on 12 people.” Of course he can! “Near miss. You go down on purpose. I tell you what to do.” “Check’s in the mail.” “Leave me alone.” “Jackie Chan…” He always says the word ‘pan’ when he fights. “Pan. Pan. Leave me alone. Pan.” What, spraystick non-Pan? “No. Leave me alone. Pan.” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Hey you, what are you eating?” “I eat banana.” “Leave me alone.” “Get him!” “Hey you, where are you going?” “I’m going to church.” “Leave me alone.” “What’s that noise?” “I’m breathing.” “Get him!”
Remember when martial arts were just real? Now they just walk on water. Walk on water. “I jump four stories to kick you.” “Jet Li is all special effects.” “Kill him.” “Here come bullet.” In every movie, Jackie Chan tries to play a different character. In Shanghai Noon he’s an Indian. “I am Indian. Hello.” “Hello. I am Indian. Hello.” “He’s an Indian. I believe he’s an Indian.” With Owen Wilson… Oh, it’s cool. He’s an Indian. ” Rumble in the Bronx.” He’s a store owner, he owns a store. “You leave my store alone.” “I’m cool. I’m cool.” “In Rush Hour 2 he’s a detective.” “Hello. Ding-dong.” “Rush Hour. Cover me!” “He’s a detective.” He’s Drunken Master, have you seen that one? “Drunken master, hello. Ding-dong.” ” Drunken Master.” What next? He’ll try to be a standup comedian? “In the forbidden world of comedy-” “- it takes one man to change a light bulb.” “He traded his black belt for the Borscht Belt.” “His own government dared him to go on stage.” “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Jackie Chan’s Fight Night at the Apollo.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Beef.” “Beef who?” “Beef broccoli.” “He does his own stunts-” “- but unfortunately, he does his own jokes.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Orange.” “Orange who?” “Aren’t you able to kick your ass?” “You! Your mother is so fat.” “How fat is she?” “She’s so fat, her intestinal tract is Great Wall of China.” I wrote that one yesterday. “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Boo.” “Boo who?” “Crybaby” “You’ve probably seen all those martial arts in their stupid styles.” “Like ‘crane’.” “I stand like a crane.” “Bear.” “I learn from bear.” “Mantis.” “He knows, praying mantis.” “As a young child, they put him in the desert.” “Then he learned from a praying mantis.” Mine would be: “Paper. Rock. Scissor.” “Paper in your face.” “Rock in stomach. Scissor on nutsack.” Or Molesto. That would be mine. “He molests his own opponents.” “Watch out, he’s going to touch you in your thingy. Watch out.” “And he dry humps.” “What the hell? Watch out.” “I’m going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’s going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’II grab you for dry humping.” “He’II make them feel unsure.” “I’m leaving this fight, I’m unsure.” “I need a counselor.” “Go and see the master, go to see counselor.”
Holy smoke, I’m sweating my butt off. There we go. Yeah. You guys are great for coming out. Thanks for coming out to the special. Alright. Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man again. I just realized Spider-Man’s a big puss. Isn’t he? “Don’t die, Uncle Ben.” “Hey, Booboo. Hey. Mary Jane.” “Going to get some pussy, Boo?” Spider-Man: “Uncle Ben! Don’t die!” “Peter! You’re a pussy.” You’re a blocker. You’re a cockblocker. Cockblocker. He’s a sex blocker. I can say it since it’s Comedy Central. Sex blocker. Basically a guy who will go out of his way to make sure- – another guy doesn’t get intimate with a woman. He messes up the foreplay, even the sex. He’II knock on the door when you’re in a bedroom. “Dude, you gotta feed your fish!” “Yeah, Dude, they’re on top of the tank.” “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Brian.” Spider-Man is a big cockblock, isn’t he? He’s a blocker. That’s what the Green Goblin should have said- – when he had him gassed up: “Okay, Spider-Man.” “I ought to squash you like a bug.” “But you, going around New York, blocking everybody.” “Don’t you know Mary Jane’s going out with Harry?” “But no. You’re blocking everybody.” “You and the Daredevil are a bunch of cockblockers.” Because any superhero can get any puss. I guess so. “With great powers comes great pussy.” That’s right, they do. He’s Captain SexBlocker. Sexblocker. Look, it’s a truck, it’s an asshole, it’sa SexBlocker. Able to sexblock a whole bar. “You gotta pick up that wedding ring.” “Where’s those diapers? I thought you were gay. Did you fix that?” That’s right. He blocked that whole damn bar. He’s Captain SexBlocker. That’s right, my roommate. Every guy has his own technique. My roommate does. And every guy denies it, too. “Dude! It’s bros before hos.” Alright. “I would never do that.” Every guy has a technique. My roommate would do this to me. I’d be this close to getting a girl home. “You want to party?” “Yeah, let’s do it.” “You’re hot.” “Okay, it’s cool.” “Let me go to the bathroom.” My roommate: “Did you know he has herpes?” “Are you serious? Oh my God.” “I don’t know you, but I care about you.” “And he has herpes. Don’t look over there, he’s over there.” “Oh my god. I’m getting out of here, this is terrible.” “Hey, where’d she go? Who did this to me?” Captain SexBlocker! When you’re at the house, at the house, that’s the worst. You know, every guy has his own technique. He makes the 90120 faces. Did you ever watch those shows? They make that face like they’re smelling something bad. Is that Luke Perry’s ‘Dylan does it’? “On the next 901-whatever-20.” “Dylan’s dick is one inch.” You’ve got to smile at the end. “And Jason comes along, too.” He has a lot of pictures of himself. He’s a male dancer- at the Stardust in Las Vegas. He leaves 8 x 10 pictures of himself over the fireplace. The girls check it out. There are stupid ones, too. You know, posing. Who does that? “Girls check it out.” “Dude, why do you put your picture up there?” “Because when girls come over and they see I’m a male dancer…” “They put down their defenses, you know.” And he has really cheesy ones. And girls come over and see it. “Oh my god, who is this?” “You are so hot.” “Really? Thanks.” The girl goes, “I was a Budweiser girl, then Jaegermeister”. “My boss has a nice pool and he gets a photographer to come over.” “You want to see my portfolio? – Pablo, you don’t mind, do you?” “Let’s go in my room for seven hours.” And take her away. I think the best way to cockblock somebody… The best way to block somebody is this: Burn a disc of the cheesiest songs. So when he brings home a girl, just play that music. “Pablo, this is Brittany. We’re going to be in the bedroom.” “Can I play some music so I don’t hear the thumping?” “Yeah, go ahead.” I can’t stop this… “Dude, what the hell?” You can’t hump to that. Just keep on. Just keep playing music. “I’m sorry.” Tequila You gotta time it right. When the bed creaks, put the next song on. He did the Monster Mash I was working in the lab Late one night “Dude, what’s up, man?” Wake up Make up On the table Any System of a Down song you can’t… Whatever that was. It’s gotta be 1950s songs or something. Can you imagine someone pumping to that? Lollipop, lollipop… “I’m really sorry about this.” “Dude, what’s up, man?” “I’m playing music, what’s the deal?”
Or put William Hung on. That would be good. Talk to me Tell me your name You got to… You got to… Right on, William Hung. Sing it, baby. Talk to me William Hung. He took the American Dream and shit on it. I saw him in real life. He really talks like that, I swear to God. He does, and he has an ego, did you know that? I go, “Hey! William Hung!” Don’t talk to me, don’t tell me your name “Wait, William Hung, wait!” William Hung… We all played the best practical joke on him. We don’t even know each other and we just, “Do it! Fuck it.” “Say he’s good, let him sing.” “You’re good, man. You go out there and show them!” “You really think so? You really think I can do it?” Talk to me, tell me your name He has a Christmas album out. Hung for Christmas Now he’s dissin’ on our holidays. That’s why his face is so flat. He went Christmas caroling- and they slammed a door in his face. Jingle bell, jingle bell… Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer… Frosty the snowman, he’s a… William Hung. Now he’s coming out with another album. Now he’s doing duets with famous stars, can you believe that shit? I swear to god, stars are lining up. Musicians, to do songs like… I don’t have much But I know I love So let me be Not me to know We no got the eye That’s right, he’s William Hung. “I’m Casey Kasem and now you can hear all your favorite hits-” “- with all your favorite stars.” “That’s right. My head is so big, it’s 10 friends on MySpace.” “That’s right. So sit back, relax and listen to Joe Cocker-” “- with William Hung…” And so we’re up where we belong On a mountainside With a side of rice I can show you the world Sun and shimmering splendor Call me dingdong… If you don’t… “That’s right, he’s not from China, he’s from Singapore.” “Because he sings really poor.” Thank you. And he also does the theme from Grease. My name is William. I sing at the malls. My face is flat. I can bite a wall. Come on. What? His face is flat, I swear to god. I saw him in the Las Vegas airport. His teeth hang out… He looks like sand people. He has those teeth out. They’re off the gumline. What does that sound like? Sounds like people playing basketball. “Man, that was off the gumline.” He should market his teeth. “It slices, it dices.” “It’s the William Hung teeth. That’s right, Susan.” “Take carrots and tomatoes and put it with the William Hung chopper.” She bite, she bite. He’s doing a Mentos commercial.
Mentos, remember those commercials? Mentos. You always have a happy ending. Could be a guy robbing a bank, it’d still have a happy ending. It doesn’t matter what comes Freshness better with life Mentos freshness cool of life. Nothing gets to you like Mentos… Talk to me. Talk to me. He’d be a good cockblocker.
Black people don’t cockblock, though. They see you with a girl, they compliment you. “Yo, man. Is that your girl?” “Yeah, man, what about it?” “Yeah, go for that, man! Take that, whoa.” You’re in bed with your girl- – and they just come out of the sheets. “Go for that!” “Come on, we don’t got no time!” That’s why they write the best love songs. To break the ice for us. Black people are the most important thing that happened to this country. They want us to break the ice. Put Latino songs on, girls are walking. You never know. You girls change your mind so much. We tried candies, flowers, movies, diamonds. “I don’t know. I may feel like this. Let me go home…” “Maybe I should? Should I sleep with him? I don’t know.” Come on… “No whammies!” “Aw…she changed her mind.” Black people, that’s why they write every song. They could write about… They could write songs about anything. They could write songs about arguing with their women. Shut up. Can’t you see two men are talking. They could write about a transvestite and make it sound good.
When I first saw you, baby
I knew you were fine
But you had a dingdong
And it changed my mind
Forget the appetizer
Forget the main course
I knew you were a guy when your voice was hoarse
You got a dingdong and tits
You got a dingdong and tits
Ya know you got a Dingdong and tits
Thank you. Your camel toe looks like a catcher’s mitt I’m just joking. “Don’t make fun of black people.” “Chinese people. Latinos. What about that protest? Come on” That protest, they asked me to be in it. “Hey, dude. You want to be in the protest?” I did, I went there. I was driving to a topless bar- – and I took the wrong exit. Next thing you know, I’m in it. “Mexico!” The longest carwash I’ve ever been to. “Hey, dude, yeah.” “Okay, l’II tip you, you…” Never go to a Latino protest with a Datsun 280 ZX. Everyone is, “Hey, you want to sell it?” “Hey, dude, you want to sell it?” The protest. Yeah, black people went there, too. They were there at the protest. “Yo, where’s the pussy?” The protest, they get in your face. “Mexico!” “Mexico! What’s up, dude, Mexico!” “Puerto Rico!” That’s great, can you clean? No! It’s a joke. “Mexico, man! I’m proud, dude. I’m proud of Mexico.” “Go back.” “Screw that shit!” I’m just kidding, come on. Mexico. Mexico. They want jobs. “We want jobs, bro. What do you do?” “I’m a comedian.” I’ve never seen Mexican comedians straight from Mexico. “Over the fence, to the stage. Give it up for Ricky Impanela!” “Okay, how you doing?” “You ready for some bumper stickers?” “I’m a comedian from Mexico, I’ve got some bumper stickers.” “This one reads ‘Jesus Saves because he shops at Walmart’.” “This one says ‘My other car is probably yours’.” “This one says, ‘Guns don’t kill people, my cousin does’.” “Okay, the next time you want to get a family portrait, do what I do.” “Put your whole family in back of a pickup truck-” “- run a red light. It takes a picture.” “You ever go to a Mexican store?” “Did you ever go to a Mexican store-” “- and they got American cereals in Spanish?” “Antonio the Tiger.” “Fruit a Lupes.” “Honey Nut Bandejos.” “And my favorite: ‘Special…que?’.”
Some of those guys, they wear the big belt buckles. Have you seen them? The big Latino cowboys. They walk around and the sun hits that and makes it get all hot. It’s like a skillet and it burns their huevos. “Hey! Caramba, the huevos…” “Huevos fritos!” They’re tough, though. They’ll kick your ass. “You got a problem?” “Hey, partner. You got a problem?” “Let’s go, man to man. One on one, me and you.” “Richard! – Let’s do it man, right now.” “Man to man. – Richard!” “Where’s Richard? He took off?” “Okay, tomorrow.” I just can’t get into the cowboy country thing anymore. Whatever it was… “Come on, let’s…” “Hey come on, let’s do it. Let’s do our little dance.” “Look kind of like little vittles.” This is too…don’t you like to get loose when you dance? “I’m free.” “No rules!” Country dancing: “Come on, let’s do…” “What, how do you do this?” You get criticized the whole time. “Step with me!” “I’m trying!” You ever see a tough cowboy walk in the bar like he’ll kick your ass? And then he does the cheesy country dance? “Hey! You want some crap?” “Right here right now! Let’s go! Hey, there’s my song!”
Cowboys… Brokeback Mountain, did you see that? They got it at the hotel, I saw a little bit of it. That’s all I saw…a little! I know this cow… Brokeback Mountain. “Two cowboys that were straight went to Brokeback Mountain.” “That soon turned into… Cornhole Canyon.” “Come on.” “…I love you, come on.” “I’m a naked cowboy…” “And I have my boots on, but I’m naked.” “I’m going to get some water from the creek.” “You want to see my bum bum bum buck?” “I’m going to do…water…” They took it out of the theaters because they said- – that the sex scenes were too…explicit. They’re in the tent. “Come on, let’s git…” Put spit in his hand. “You want some, let’s go, me and you, partner.” “Come on, we don’t got all day.” “That’s not butter!” Come on. No condom, no nothing? I mean, jeez. I don’t know if they had a condom, but they had… Can you imagine? Those guys chew tobacco, cowboys. Gets in your culo…hey! “Come on there.” “Spit that out first!” Skoal bandits. “Hey, man. Ride horses?” “No.” Brokeback Mountain.
Now they’re coming out with more movies about homosexuality. This next movie, it’s not Brokeback Mountain, it’s about gay gangs. Gay gangs. That’s what they got. Gay gangs in San Francisco. There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. Here we go. “Out of the closet. Into the streets.” “Not only were they fighting for their love.” “But they were fighting against each other. Gary Busey:” “Hey, man, you better watch it.” “You guys are trying to lick your quack quack in your nutsack.” “And Danny Glover plays a corrupt police chief.” “Yeah, put it in your mouth.” “There you go. Put it in your mouth.” “Put your black sack in my mouth, Jack.” “They were homies. They were homie-sexuals.” You guys are great for coming out. Here it is. After the show, don’t give me drugs. People are like: “You want some pot, man? You look like you’re really high-strung, man.” “Let’s smoke some pot, dude.” “Let’s get in a circle and talk about other pot that we’ve smoked.” “My friend got…” “He gave me a call, see all the buds, man…” They got some weird drugs out there. I went to rehab. Anybody been there? I had to go one time. My parents caught me doing drugs. Ain’t that nice? You’re in high school and gotta go to rehab… I was doing coke and pot and…party! Party! I can’t believe I graduated, I was partying so much. Know how they caught me? This is the funniest thing. My parents left town. They went to South America. “Yeah, let’s party!” And it was my birthday. “Man, they left town on my birthday.” I come back, and it’s a surprise party when I’m high. “Surprise!” That surprise party turned into an intervention. “Go to your room. Why are your eyes all glassy?” “Can we open presents first?” If you ever go to rehab, it’s the weirdest place to go. But I got kicked out, though. After two weeks. I did. I went there because I was having a good time. “I like drugs because I’m partying.” But a lot of people there go: “I do drugs because my Daddy touched me in my bumbum.” “That’s why I drink. My Daddy touched me in my culo.” They must love that. “Because you love to party!” “My Daddy touched me. Get cocaine, hookers and discoteques.” I got kicked out of rehab. I had this one roommate, a kid: “You’re going to go down, bro.” “Huh? What’s going on?” “You’re going to go down, man.” “Why?” “You’re just making a joke out of everything.” And they take you to this AA meeting. I go to the meeting, right. The AA meetings. And you have to tell them everything. “My name is David, and I’m a drug addict.” “My name is Pablo. I sleep with David.” “Whoa, screw you, man! Screw you!” Out you go. Out you go, Pablo. Out you go. My roommate still does drugs. My god, he does cocaine. He gets all paranoid and shit. “Someone’s out the window.” They get high and look out the window. “Someone’s out there.” “What’s up, man? The girls are over here. What’s the deal?” “No, man. Someone’s out here. Someone’s out the…” “Dude, come on. What’s up?” “Let go of me! Someone’s out…” He looked out the window so much, he had a sunburn of the blinds. He looked like a Viper car. So one day I just put a mirror behind there. And he was, “Shit! Whoa!” There’s always that one guy who gets all paranoid and hears voices. “You hear that? Be quiet. Someone’s on the roof.” “You hear that shit? Be quiet, man. Remember at 7-Eleven?” “When you heard that voice, remember? Shh!” “Maybe that guy followed you, bro. Be quiet. Shh.” “He’s upstairs.” “Oh, that’s my heart! Damn it, man, don’t do that!” Thank you.
I did ecstacy before, did you ever do that? Like it’s cool. “You ever do that? It’s fun!” I did it in Miami. I know, I was in between shows, two years ago. I’m going to this techno club. By myself. You walk in there… “She asked me to dance two hours ago.” “We’re still going with this.” Those songs last so long, you don’t know when to stop. You’re just dancing with 400 people. And everybody’s high on drugs. They’re on E. They call it E…ecstacy. E. “Are you E-ing?” Some beautiful girl. “Are you E-ing? Come here.” “I want to talk to you. Are you E-ing?” “No, I’m Pablo!” “No, I’m serious.” “Yes, I’m Pablo.” “No. Are you on Ecstacy?” “Ecstacy, what does that do?” “It makes you horny.” I’m like, “Shit. I’m on it right now.” “They must have slipped it in my drink when I was 12.” “I’m serious! If you want some, l’II sell you some.” “How much is it?” “It’s 40 dollars.” “If you buy some, we’II go back to your hotel.” “Let’s do it!” I reach in my pocket to get the money and I realize I’m doing a drug deal. On the dance floor. I swear to God. You know what, the police could be out there, undercover police. So I had to make it look like a dance. She gives me these two pills. I swear to God. And stamped on them is the Mitsubishi sign. I guess they stamp the drugs with like, Superman or Mitsubishi. “Mitsubishi makes this?” “No wonder they sell a lot of cars.” If Mitsubishi really did this, wouldn’t that be cool? That’d be great if they really did. “Would you like a mint before you go on to the showroom?” “I love this car. I love this car.” “I’m going to hump the tailpipe.” It’s going to get really exhausting. So I take both of these pills. Right? Some people here have done this. I didn’t know to take just one. “Take one now. And in 10 hours, take another one.” “Wait. I just took both of those.” “What’s that?” “I just took both of those.” She says, “I gotta go”. “No, come back! Sandy! You just can’t walk out of a drive-in movie.” Next thing you know, the bouncer looks at me. “Yo, man. Yo, man, are you okay?” I walk up to him. “I just took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Are you serious? Are you serious, man?” “Yes. I just took two hits.” “I’m over here, man.” “Yes.” “I took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Oh, man.” “What’s going to happen?” “You’re either going to go to jail. Or you’re going to die.” “But the good news is, you’re going to feel really good.” “Please, what do I do?” “How long did you take it?” “10 minutes ago.” “Then you’ve got 15 minutes before it kicks in.” “You gotta be in a hotel or something.” My hotel is 8 blocks away. So I figure l’II go. “KITT. I need ya, pal. KITT.” I get into my car. Yeah, and it was a Hertz. I didn’t want it to get towed. So I’m driving, and I see my hotel room. South Beach is packed. I’m going two feet every five minutes. “Get the hell out of the way! Before I have sex with all you guys.” “In a conga line!” I’m driving, and all of a sudden, this warm feeling… Something warm inside. A new world! “Get the hell out of the way” “We’II kill the unicorn tonight.” I’m trying to change the radio station and I’m changing myself. It is like the most craziest… I get into the motel room. “Give me some coke or something. I’m so…” I’m so horny, I’m watching the porno. And I try to hump the TV. I was watching it so much even the people in the porno- – looked at me like I’m weird. “What the hell?” If you’re on two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy, the feeling is like- – having an orgasm every two seconds for six hours. You’re just walking around… I was having sex and sounded like Mr. Magoo. “Oh, you know you want it. Oh, and you know that feels good.” “Oh yeah, Magoo. You’ve done it again.” It’s like having an orgasm for six hours straight. The only problem is you’re walking around with the face. Then you try to smoke marijuana with it. That’s when you really start thinking up the stupid shit. “Chicken pot pie.” “Those are my three favorite things.” Thank you. You do weird stuff when you’re on that stuff. “Old people should use Viagra so they don’t roll off the bed.”
Cocaine. Miami. That’s where Scarface is at. “Scarface in Miami.” I’d like to see something crazy. You get all wasted. You get the double DVD box set of Scarface. You see the most crazy shit. “You’ve probably seen AI Pacino as Tony Montana.” “Now on double DVD see footage never seen before.” “See Tony Montana do a drug deal with Kermit the Frog.” “Okay. The money stays in back, okay?” “If I’m not back in 15 minutes, something’s wrong, okay?” “Okay. Let’s go.” “Hiyo! Hola, hola.” “Entra, entra.” “Is it okay if my friend is outside to know that everything’s okay?” “Sure. Come on in.” “This is Mrs. Piggy.” “Hola, Piggy. Hello.” “And I am Kermie.” “And I’m Tony. So, Grover says that you okay.” “That’s good. So do you have the money?” “I don’t know. Did you bring stuff?” “Not with me now, but it’s nearby. It’s in the car, huh?” “No. You want me to go outside, we try again?” “Where you from, Tony?” “What difference where I’m from?” “You stop messing around, frog. Get to the business, okay?” “I just get my stuff at Sesame Street.” “Oh yeah? Can you tell me how to, how to get to Sesame Street?” Thank you. Next stop, New Orleans. “Gotta go to New Orleans.” New Orleans, that’s a strange town. After Katrina. Katrina! It doesn’t even sound evil. Katrina! I think they would have left if it had a different name. Katrina doesn’t sound scary. “Yo, man. Katrina coming?” “Shit. Suck my dick.” They should have called it Scorpio. Hurricane Scorpio. “Scorpio coming. Yeah, let’s get out of here, man.” New Orleans. I was in a hurricane in Florida. Hurricane Georges! Hurricane Georges! That sounds like a pissed-off, gay hurricane. It just comes into town… “Stupid trailer!” “You, car! Get out of here.” “Whose dog is this? In the damn ocean!” “Stinker.” “I’m blowing everything.” New Orleans, man, they make the grossest food there, too. I mean, cajun food. That is made of…what is that? Latin food rules the earth, we all know that. Yes. Cajun food, they get all drunk, like alcoholics. “Hey, are you hungry?” “Let’s cook some jambalaya rice and hot dog weiners.” “And some beer and a milk carton of whiskey.” “What the hell was that? A snail? Put it in there.” “Drink it all up. Swish it in your stomach. Puke it out. Call it gumbo.” Gumbo does look like puke, I swear. Doesn’t it? “It’s like eating backwards.” Everything’s in Tabasco, too. “That’s right, we marinate in tabascy.” “We deep fry it in tabascy oil. Then we smother it in tabascy.” “And then we hickory smoke everything with our breath.” They eat that food everywhere. In their taxicabs while driving. There’s a guy. Big old belly. “What is that smell?” “It’s delicious.” He’s eating it with a fork. “Yeah!” His belly was so big, every time we went over a speed bump- his belly would hit the horn.
I played that Grand Theft Auto game. Are you familiar with this? Grand Theft Auto? I’ve never seen anything so evil and fun at the same time. It’s a guy running through town just killing everybody. And getting jumped by Haitian gangs, doing drug deals- – getting hookers, and he wants his money back. All to 1980s music. So I like to do… Yeah, and he’s running through a fake town called San Andreas. We could do it in a real city, with a little help of my friends. We’re going to try one tonight. Grand Theft Auto in San Francisco! Hit it! Hey. Thanks a lot, everybody! Good night! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! That’s very nice of you. Thank you so much. Good night.