[speakers: pop ballad playing] [crossing bell clanging] I was, like, “You know what? If you’re gonna fuck with me, I’m gonna have you killed.” But then that guy was like, “I don’t know if I can handle it.” And I was like, “Of course you can’t! Nobody can handle the heat!” You guys know. I bring heat. Buddy, it’s broken glass, so don’t touch it. Yeah– No, don’t walk around with your shoes off. Okay. All right, buddy, I gotta go. Tonight’s the big show. Okay. I love you. All right, bye. All right. So I had that guy fucking killed. I had him fucking killed. And that guy was a theater owner too, right? Yeah, that guy was the theater owner. He was the owner of the theater. Now he’s dead. -[coughs] -What, do you got Zika? Hey. Bob. Theater owner. You guys can start the show whenever you’re ready. Crowd sounds electric. Yeah! Why wouldn’t they? Well, I trust you guys to know where the stage is. Obviously we know how to get to the stage! Jesus Christ! Cheers. Ah. Yeah! Let’s rock! Whoo!
[rock funk playing] [man] ♪ You know that man ♪ ♪ He’s a hell of a man ♪ ♪ He’s a bad motherfucker With a mike in his hand ♪ ♪ Pimpin’ stages all over the world ♪ ♪ Stackin’ paper Gettin’ all the girls ♪ ♪ When you see him walking by ♪ ♪ You better step aside ♪ ♪ Rory ♪ Ahh. ♪ Rory ♪ Yeah! Oh, my God. Rory! Can I get your autograph? Yeah– No! Get the fuck away from me! I’m sorry. Oh, God, you are so fucking cool. Yeah! No fucking shit. Mike! Let’s go. See that? Remember it. ♪ Rory ♪ ♪ Rory ♪ [audience chanting] Rory. Rory. Hey, good luck tonight, Mr. Scovel. [audience continues chanting] Rory. Rory. Rory. Rory. What’d you just say to me? Just saying good luck. Yeah. I don’t need your luck, pal. -I love you. -Me too. Now I gotta go rip some dicks off. Rory! Rory! [cheering]
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! [groans]
What’s– What’s happening? Gilbert’s gonna bring you on stage soon. What– Hey, Scott, hold on. -What do I do when I get out there? -I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.
Okay, this next guy is a comic. Uh, everybody give it up for… Cory Scravin! [cheering, applause]
Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, Atlanta! Thank you, Atlanta! Thank you! Thank you, Atlanta. Thank you, Atlanta. Thank you, ’Lanta. Thank you, ’Lanta. I did the research. I know the nicknames. Thank you so much, ’Lantans, coming out tonight. Coming down to ’Lanta. Coming out to see the show. Thank you so much. Let’s get right into it. Anal. Who’s done it? Who’s done anal? Who here has done anal? Who’s done anal? Who here has done anal? This is the show. Who has– Earlier it was like, “Wait. So is this the show?” This is the show. This is the show. Anal. Who’s done anal? But, like, anal. Anal, though. Anal. Who has done anal? I have one joke, and I’m halfway through it. This is– This is it. I do sort of a reverse Louis CK. I write one new joke a year. And this is actually a three-year-old joke. So, should be a pretty good special. You guys made a good choice, watching. Thanks for being here. Ah, anal. We’re still– This is still– Anal. Anal. Anal. Does that sell it if that’s my posture? Anal! Who’s done anal? I’m the brattiest comic on the circuit! [shrieking] Who’s done anal though? [Rory laughing] “Butt-fuck.” Does that help? Does that help? Does that help though? Butt-fuck. Some people– [Southern accent] “Oh, butt-fuck. Okay, yeah. Okay. Yeah, dude said ‘anal,’ I was like, ‘Who’s the doctor-lawyer on stage?’ Anal? What? Butt-fuck. That’s more my speed.” That’s more my style! Truth be told, that’s more my style. I butt-fuck! Wanna know somethin’ about me? I butt–” You have to say “butt-fuck” with an accent. If you say it without an accent, you sound like a goddamn serial killer. “You guys ever butt-fuck?” “Oh, my God. Karen, put your fucking hand down! It’s obviously a trap. It’s a death trap.” “Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been to one of these things.” [Southern accent] “Yeah, whatever. Butt-fuck!” Isn’t that– It’s kinda– Immediately you’re, like, “Oh, that’s not so bad.” “Y’all ever butt-fuck?” “Hey, it’s the guy from the gas station! Answer his inquiries.” “I just wanna know if y’all ever butt-fucked before! Y’all come on now! [laughs] Unleaded, fill it up? You got it! You ever butt-fucked?” “Hi. I’d like to fill it up. I’m over on pump ten. I gotta tell you, that one employee, he is a lively sort. What’s that? That’s not an employee? I’ll be right back. No, it’s on me. There were a lot of red flags, and I– I should’ve– I should’ve tuned in. Should’ve tuned in.” [Southern accent] “Y’all ever butt-fucked? Butt-fuck!”
My wife and I tried anal sex once, and– Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I already asked you if you did it. Nobody said shit. And now I have to talk the entire show. This job sucks. Right now some people are like, “Maybe he does only have the one joke. Where we thought he was being facetious.” The twist in tonight’s show was honesty. Hmm. My wife and I tried anal sex once, and I didn’t like it, and for some reason I feel like that makes me a gentleman. Huh? That’s pretty cool, babe. We don’t have to go down that road again. Lord knows you hated it. All the tears. If your wife cries during sex, she is telling you something. Check in. You know what I mean? Do a check-in. “You okay?” Just one of those. “Hey, everything cool? What’s going on? [prissy accent] Got a little misty here. I don’t–” Also, talk like that. That’s a big turn-on for women. That’s a huge turn-on for women. “Hey, just a quick question! [shrieking] What’s going on with the tears?” [laughing] Be that– Be that ecstatic. “Hey! What’s the deal with the tears? Let’s get back into it!” [chuckles] Where did I lose some people? The visualization of my wife crying during anal sex? Is that where some people were like, “You know what? No. No, next exit. We’ll take the next exit. I’m not here for this.” If you’ve ever tried it, that’s one thing. Fine. You tried it. You ever try to try it? You know what I mean? You know what I’m talking about? That means you’re about to try it, and then you stop and you’re like, “I can’t pull this off. Who do I think I am? Just ’cause I see it in all the laptop movies. That doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing.” It’s tough to do. It’s like trying to get a lime into a Corona. Your first thought is always, “Who cut these? Didn’t they know what I was gonna do with this?” It’ll go. It’ll go. Know what I mean? It’ll go. Like, it will go. You gotta want it. You have to want some things. It’ll go if you want it bad enough.
Yeah, my jacket’s a problem for a lot of people. I’m not stupid. I caused this problem. I fucking know what’s going on. I don’t have to look at it. That’s how much of a dick I am. I know that you have to look at it. Oh, so many people are already like, “Ahh! Unzip it! Unzip it! Or buy your size! You know what I mean? You’re fucking… How badly do you need to fit in? You’re 36. The dream is over.” [chuckles] This? Oh, fuckin’– That shirt? That shirt flap? That’s the worst part of it all. All the way around. Just that extra– Hi! I’m shirt flap! Oh, that’s the cringeworthy part there. Oh, God. Some people are like, “Tuck it in.” I can’t. I tuck it in, I look like an undercover cop who coaches Little League. “Get two, Kev! Kev, get two! Kev, you gotta get down. You gotta slide, Kevin! Your dad was shit too! We played together. You’ll never go pro.” He’s that hard on the players. “You’ll never fucking go pro, dude. You don’t know how to fucking slide? I’ll go back to my dugout in a second. I wanna talk to your team. You’re shit. You are shit. We have seven of you on my team. Yeah, you hear me? [chuckles] We got seven of you. Some of you guys might go pro. Not you, Kev. What’d you say? What did you fuckin’ say to me, Kevin? [whispers] I’m a goddamn cop. This is my cover. My cover is aggressively coaching Little League.”
I did a show once– I did a show once where I had a hoodie on, and I pulled the string on one side all the way down to my knee, and I left a little bit on this side. People didn’t even see the show. The rage in their eyes– It’s like, “No! We paid to be here! Fix it!” I was just twirling it around. “So, I’m married.” Like, whipping it. “Marriage is fun.” Oh, what does that do? What’s that do for some people? Does that help anyone? Does that help? Is there anybody who is like, “I didn’t like it, but if you go a little deeper I’m okay with it”? Just leave it like that for a little bit. [chuckling] I can’t even use the pocket. Hi! Yeah. Table for one. Yeah, table– M-Me again. Me again. Table for one. My “yoush.” Put me on my “yoush,” my one high-top place. It’s not even comfortable to use the pocket. Hi! In three years Kanye’s gonna invent this jacket, and then everyone’s gonna be like, “Oh, now I like it.” You laugh at me now, but then you respect it three– “Now I think it’s cool.” Bullshit. I set the trend. Look at this shit. “Oh, remember? Remember Kanye, he’s got that new jacket. Remember we saw that comic. He wore his jacket like that first.” “No, I don’t– I don’t remember.” “You don’t remember? He killed himself two days later.” You don’t remember that? He said if we didn’t laugh at every joke, he was gonna kill himself. And that was the one joke he wasn’t joking about. Remember he had the suicide note in calligraphy, so you know he wanted to do it. Probably took him two weeks to write it. He thought it out.” My suicide note is just gonna be the “Thong Song” lyrics. People will discover my body. They’re like, “Oh, my God!” “Thong, th-thong-thong-thong.” “Hmm. Why so much Sisqó on the way out?” If you’re thinking of killing yourself, why not try autoerotic asphyxiation and see what all the jazz is about! We’re all curious. We’re not gonna do it. “What if I accidentally kill myself?” But if you already want to die, give it a go. See what it’s like. What if it’s amazing? What if it’s so amazing, you’re like, “I think I wanna live”? “Suicide saved my life.” Coming this fall to CBS. Suicide Saved My… [applause]
I love– I love it when– I love it when people bow too appropriately. It’s so gross. Just bow. Just be like, “Okay, thanks.” [chuckles] No, but you guys were right to applaud there. Everybody watching at home, I assume you also gave me a standing ovation. No, the crowd didn’t give me a standing ovation, but at home it’s easier to do. Do a standing ovation, they’d be like, “While I’m up, might as well take a piss.” “Honey, should I pause it?” “No, I think I get it. I think I get most of what he does.”
Remember, like, ten years ago someone would be, like, “I saw a documentary,” and we’d all be like, “Nerd!” Now if someone’s like, “I saw a documentary,” it’s like, “Of course you did. How else can you keep up socially? You’ve gotta see all the documentaries to know what’s going on, and what did go on, and what will more than likely go on.” Did you guys see that O.J. documentary? [smattering of applause] How did more people not see that? It’s incredible. His one friend he grew up with, with the raspy voice? Know who I’m talking about? That dude– [raspy falsetto] “O.J…. Growin’ up… O.J. was always murderin’ people. I was like, ‘O.J., you can’t be murderin’ pe–’” His voi– What did he do for the– Why? Why was– [raspy falsetto] “O.J.” His whole life his friends are like, “I don’t– You gotta speak up.” “O.J.! I don’t think O.J. killed Nicole. I think he killed Ron Goldman. And then Nicole accidentally killed herself.” Like, he has the shittiest theories. “I mean, I think Nicole and Ron… killed O.J., and then the two of them, together–” [laughs] “embodied what we now know as O.J.” The documentarian’s like, “I can’t use any of this footage. I can’t use any of this. Where did you even get that?” “I don’t– I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in, like, 35 years. He might have done it– Actually, he might– He did it. He did it.”
I don’t think we even need some of these documentaries. Like, The Planet Earth and Life. Like, who is that optimistic about our intellect… as people? Like, we’re not there yet. I don’t need to learn about a species at the bottom of the ocean I’m never gonna interact with. Let’s pull it back. Let’s do some documentaries about some simple shit. You know what I mean? How does this microphone even work? None of us know. None of us know. None of us have ever known. Our entire life since we were kids– “That’s the voice stick boom machine.” If someone asked me, “How do you think it works?” I’d be, “Well, I guess the sound kinda drifts over the metal cage. Then the metal cage is like, ‘Get in here!’ Then it just goes through the sound hose.” [screaming] Blaaaaah! That’s my best guess. I’m 36. My best guess is something a child would just rattle off the top of their head, in their first time ever thinking about it. “I don’t know. I guess it just– Blu-Blah-Blu-Aaaah!” Like, okay. Well, either you’re advanced, or you’re heading down the wrong road.
Oh, concrete? Sorry to turn this into a TED talk. What the fuck is concrete? You know what I mean? Like, liquid soupy shit, then it’s hard forever? It’s just hard forever. Okay, Illuminati. Okay. Okay. “Good luck transporting me in a normal truck. It won’t work. You have to put me in a cartwheel funnel truck that’s always in motion. I’m high maintenance. I’m concrete.” You could ask people who work in concrete, “How does it work?” “You know what? I don’t even… Just, like, it’s liquid soupy stuff, and then it’s just all of the buildings, you know. It’s literally all of the buildings.”
You ever ask a friend how a record player works? Like, “Well, the needle grabs the sou–” “The wh-what? Fuckin’ listen to yourself! ‘The needle grabs the sound’? What does that even mean?” “Well, there’s grooves in the vinyl, and the nee–” “What is happening in the grooves that the needle is aware of and grabbing? What physical thing is happening in that–” The show is now over. The show is over. Turn off the fake cameras. We won’t need ’em. We’re just gonna rant and get to the bottom of stuff now.
Ultimate Frisbee. That’s still going on. You guys ever watch Ultimate Frisbee? What does that say about you? What are you even watching? Watching someone on defense, like, “Don’t you throw that Frisbee!” Somebody on offense, like, “I have to, Jason! Get out of the way! Jason, get out of the way! The game is to throw the Frisbee.” Every time someone asks me to throw the Frisbee, I say yes. And then my brain’s like, “Dude, you don’t fuckin’ know what you’re doing.” I think you’re either great at Frisbee or you’re all like me, where for every throw you’re like, “Oh, please, God, just go. Get somewhat near the person. Sorry!” You yell “I’m sorry” super fast. “Sorry!” Right before you release it. “So sorry! There!” You ever go to throw the Frisbee and it’s immediately sideways? Can’t have those moments back. Just go to throw it and you’re like, “No! Fuck! That’s not me! That’s not me.” You ever see somebody throw the Frisbee like this? Nobody’s getting laid off of Frisbee, pal. Put it away. Nothing wrong with your classic 1950s-style discus toss. Plenty of children were conceived the night of a toss like that being witnessed. “Oh, look at this guy throw it.” “Neil, go deep!” “Ooh, great angel follow-through.” “Hey, what are you ladies getting into tonight? There it is!” “Did you see that guy throw that Frisbee? Ooh. I hope I get the opportunity later to suck his dick a little bit. Anyone who’s innovating the Frisbee pass at that level, that’s the kind of dick I like to suck a little bit of. If I get the opportunity. There’s gonna be a line, I’m sure.” [woman laughing loudly] Nice. I know a guy you should meet over here. You got that laugh, this guy’s got this l– Would you watch it if this was my set? “Anyways… What else is goin’ on? [laughs] Uh, anyways, you ever had a meatball sub?”
All right, all right, all right. Let’s get this… Let’s turn the cameras on. Let’s do it. I usually like to run about 20, 30 minutes to an hour, and then I like to actually tape it. I’m gonna do a couple election-type jokes for you all, if that’s… -[applause] -I know– I know people– I know people, wherever you’re watching this, whenever it is you’re like, “Wait, the election’s already happened. We already know the results.” Guess what. Everybody in this room, we don’t know. So look at us. Look how happy we used to be. We used to be so happy. Then it all fell apart. I, personally, am very excited, because this election is about inspiration. When Barack Obama was elected, he was the first black president. That’s inspiring. If Hillary Clinton wins this election, she’s the first female president. That’s inspiring. If Donald Trump wins this election, that’s inspiring for your average Joes like me. I’m not walking around, assuming I have a shot at the presidency. But now it’s like, I don’t know. He did it, you know? What is it? I fill out a form? Do I send in a tape? How do I start the process? You also gotta be optimistic. I mean, if he does win, we’re all gonna get to die at the same time. That’s a special you can’t buy. You’re either born in that time or you’re not. It was the dinosaurs, and now it’s us. That’s awesome. That’s so cool. What a way to go. You know what I mean? Like, right now if you die you’re like, “But all my friends are still alive! Aw, everybody’s going out to eat!” Let’s– [laughs] Let’s just– Let’s admit something right now. You know that’s the most adrenaline we get at this age. “Hey, we’re going out to eat tonight.” “What? I can go too?” “Bottle of wine for the table? We’re skydiving without parachutes now.” I wanna be socially present for these conversations, but I’m doing math the whole time. How are we splitting this bill? Is Kathy pitching in? Does she pitch in?
Who here is in their 20s? Anybody here in their 20s? -[cheering, applause] -Yes! Get some whoo’s and some claps. [chuckles] Soak it up. Enjoy it. I mean that. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m saying you have something right now and you need to embrace it. I know you’re like, “I go out. I fuckin’ stay out so late. I stay out till like 3:00 or 4:00. I fuckin’– I shut it down. I shut it down. I do so many shots. Oh, you should see me. I do so many fuckin’ shots. You wanna know what separates me from the herd the most? All the shots that I do. So many, I can’t even stop. I force ’em on other people. You do one with me. You have to! We have to do it together. And I hope it tastes gross so we can see who can handle it the best.” A shot is the only thing that, when it tastes like garbage, everyone’s like, “Now, that’s a real drink.” If food was like that, you wouldn’t eat the food. “You know what? If it tastes like garbage, that’s how you know it’s good.” “I just did a shot, and it tasted exactly like an apple pie.” “That’s ’cause you’re a fuckin’ pussy.” Who wouldn’t want to drink an apple pie?
Yeah, when you’re 30 and up, oh, it’s over. It’s not even your choice. You think you can just keep doing it, but you can’t. Your body starts to get involved. Your body’s like, “What’s that? Wanna do a slice of pizza at 2:00 a.m.? All right. Okay. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck, dude. Good luck. Hope you’re ready to get up at 3:45 with fuckin’ scorched earth right through here. [screams] Yeah, go get your Tums. Go get your Tummies. Go get your Tums. ‘I need my Tums!’” When you’re in your 20s and you have a hangover, you’re like, “God, I need some Advil and water.” In your 30s, that’s like throwing darts at a tank. And you only had three drinks. One of ’em wasn’t even alcohol. But it was soda, and I’d been off it for so long. Well, if someone told you that you could go out and stay out as late as you want and drink for free every single night or pay $20 to go to bed at 8:00 p.m., you would put down $40 just to make sure it definitely happened. You’d be like, “There’s double. Let’s not fuckin’ fuck me over on this, dude. I’m not talking, like, get ready at 8:00. I mean, at a quarter till we’re picking out our jammies. When 8:00 rolls around I wanna almost be there. You know what I mean? I’m almost asleep! Leave me alone!”
I get old people now. Like, I get it. Growing up, I didn’t understand my grandparents. I didn’t get it. Now I get it. “We have dinner at 4:30.” “Why wouldn’t you?” Dinner at 4:30. Bed at 6:00. Up at 2:00. See the world! See the entire world. That’s the only way you’re gonna do it. The only way you’re gonna do it is to be up at 2:00. ’Cause when you’re waking up at 2:00– Yeah! My grandfather would be on the porch to catch the morning paper and then yell out, “Why have I been waiting a half hour?” That’s an explorer.
Look, all I’m trying to say is, if we all die at the same time, that’s like nobody died. If Trump wins this election, you guys, we’re all gonna live forever. And the sad thing is, that might be a real slogan you hear before November. “Vote for me, everybody lives forever.” Like, “What? Okay. And recess will be longer? This guy knows something the rest of us don’t know. I like it.” [chuckles]
If I could have it my way, I’d say let’s get another Kenyan for four more years. You know what I mean? [applause] [chuckles] Yeah. Huh. Some people are like, “That’s where the jokes stopped and the manifesto started.” Also, people applauding to that joke, it’s kind of a mixed signal. It’s like, do you think he’s not an American citizen? Are you agreeing with my sarcasm, or do you not interpret my sarcasm? “Yes! Get another Kenyan!” I know Barack Obama is a US citizen. A lot of people don’t think he is. One of those people might be president. So if you’re not scared now, think about it. I kinda like imagining that he’s not a US citizen. To be the first black president in this country, with the shit that this country’s been through, and the current racial tension in this country, to be the first black president, that’s amazing. But on top of it, to not even be a US citizen? What? I’m sorry. What? That’s astounding! It’s your job until you don’t want it anymore. If he really was not a US citizen, it’s like, “Well, you got us, so it’s yours. Obviously we’re not qualified to do it. It’s yours, dude.” If he truly is not a US citizen, can you imagine night number one with Michelle in the White House? He’s like, “Can you fucking believe this shit?” I was joking! I was joking. I never thought it would go this far. I genuinely never thought it would go this far. Michelle’s like, “What are we gonna do? What the fuck are we gonna do? Just go make an announcement– Just kidding– and we’ll get out of here.” “Okay, okay, okay, okay. Calm down.” [laughs] If you knew that was a scene that actually happened in the White House you’d be, “Let’s give ’em 12 years. They’re that adorable? Twelve years it is.” [laughs]
I would love it if, on his last day, he just comes out and he’s like, “I gotta come clean about something with you guys. I am not even a US citizen.” Wouldn’t all of us, even if you hated him, would be like, “Get the fuck out, Barack! What? You son of a bitch! You’re good! You’re good, dude. You’re good. You’re the tops. How did you do that? We looked into it. You are literally the only president we ever looked into it about.” Nothing racist about that. Let’s keep moving on, you know? Scoop it under the rug. No aftereffects. You guys know. If you think it’s so easy, you guys do that. That’s my declaration to everybody. If you think it’s so easy to fuckin’ pull that off, you go to another country and you get as far as president. You won’t even get as far as solicitor because none of us know what that is. We’ve never known. Every time you get into a voters’ booth, you’re like, “Solicitor? All right. Who’s got the cooler name? I don’t know.” You don’t know what solicitors do.
You don’t know what mayors do either. You thought you did growing up. You’re like, “A mayor runs the town. I saw it in a Richard Scarry book.” Then Marion Barry gets caught smoking crack in the ’90s. People are like, “What? But he’s the mayor!” Then Rob Ford in Toronto, he gets caught smoking crack. Maybe we, as people, need to step back and ask ourselves, “Do mayors smoke crack?” They might all be smoking crack. We don’t know. We don’t know what they do. We don’t fuckin’ know. That’s what they do. These two just happened to get caught. You know how not everybody in this room has a DUI, but we’ve all been eligible for one? It’s like that, except it’s crack. And it’s an elected government official. Otherwise, it’s the same thing. That’s what they do. They walk around smoking crack, carrying their big scissors. You can’t find those scissors anywhere. That’s the biggest crime of it all. Where do you get those things? Some of you are like, “Look on Etsy.” I did. It’s the only research I did in this entire show. I could have googled “solicitor.” I don’t give a fuck. Get me to the scissors gold. Here, cut the ribbon with these normal scissors. No! It’ll never work. They’ll never be able to get through this kind of silk. I need my giant scissors if we’re ever gonna open the skate park conservancy. I also don’t know what a skate park conservancy is, but it’s fun to say, and people laugh, and that’s really what it’s all about.
Gay Republicans. What do they know that we don’t know? I mean… is there something online I can read to get caught up? It’s like I’m trying to support you, but are you even trying to support you? “Yes, I realize I affiliate myself with a political party who doesn’t believe that I deserve to breathe the same air as other people. And a lot of ’em, if they knew they could get away with it, would probably try and kill me. But you want to know something? At my core, I’m fiscally conservative.”
You ever been in your backyard at night, and you just look up at that endless sky and you just wonder what it’s all about? Here we are, on a rock, floating through space. Whatever this even is. We don’t even know how we got here. We don’t know where we’re going. We don’t even currently know what this is that we exist in. You see those stars up there, and they’re not even there. It’s just we’re finally seeing the light from those stars. And just something like that is so mind-blowing, you just want to yell out to the heavens… [shouting] “Are we spending too much?” You guys know. The bigger questions in life. We’ll be right back after these messages.
Jack White, you’re a revolutionary artist. You’re known for doing a lot of firsts in lots of different fields. Rory, you’ve never done stand-up before. I have never, ever done stand-up. Rory, let me handle this. Jack’s got it. Rory has never, ever done stand-up in his life. Throughout the years, every single time I’ve watched a stand-up comedian or late-night show appearance of people who’ve rehearsed their material, written it, done the research, done the roadwork, paid their dues. -Professionalism. -We’ve seen that. What about a guy who doesn’t know what he’s doing, is completely out of his element, unattractive, probably not that funny– What would that be like? Rory, why would you put this interview right in the middle of your special? Well, Ben, as a complete amateur, first-timer stand-up, I actually don’t have a lot of material. Enough, actually. So I thought, we’ll do a sketch and put it in the middle. That’ll fill some time. Jack came out. So that’s kind of a cool thing, I think. Plus– [coughing loudly] Pl– [coughing continues] Plus– [coughing continues] Um– No, wait. That was actually my final thought. Thrilled. Excited. Ecstatic! Okay. Could you move over just a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Just slide over? -Getting too close. Is that an adequate– -Sure. But the thing is, when you’re that excited, when you’re that into it– Actually, I would move you over even more. Come over here? So you wonder, where are the ideas gonna come from if I have this much energy, if I’m this excited? Since I’m brand-new to the whole process– Can you stop for a second? Is there another couch we can bring in? It’s new territory, something I hadn’t done before. And so just, I was… one word, ecstatic. What is this stuff? It’s small-batch Kentucky. I bring it in for all of our guests. It’s a nice, special way to wind up. -Really kind of you. Thank you. -Cheers. -Yeah, cheers. -Glad I can share it with you. Smells really great from even this far. [sniffs] Ooh. Might be fun, maybe you could do a few jokes now for everybody. -I– What? -You should do it. Okay, yeah. Just right here in the studio? Yeah, just right here for the audience. What’s best? Kind of be here on the couch? I would stand up. It’s called stand-up comedy. Yeah, okay. -How ’bout–? -That’s right. -Is this–? -How ’bout over here maybe? Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. -A little bit– -Flying is, obviously– No, a little bit farther for a second. I don’t mean to cut you off. When you get to the airport– -I would go even farther. -Okay. You’re getting a lot of shadows. -You get there, and TSA, they’re like– -No, no. Couple more. Couple more feet. A little more. Further out. Okay. And then you’re already nervous to fly. And another foot. -Couple bits. -And there we are.
When is TSA finally gonna realize that we all know the shoe thing? You know what I mean? You get to the airport, they tell you to take your shoes off. It’s like, “Who doesn’t know by now?” Is someone getting to the airport, like, “What? I have to take my shoes off?” If that happens, arrest and kill that person. They’re probably not terrorists, but they’re holding up the line. And what is terrorism on a local level? On a local level, what is terrorism? Holding up the line? We don’t need those people. “When did this start?” “Kill him!” And I’m way too far back. “Kill him! In front of everybody! Everybody watches! Everyone. No, sweetie, everyone watches. Everyone. Everyone watches. Everyone watches. Never become that.” It’s a fuckin’ high-pressure situation the moment you start dealing with security. No one gets dressed and undressed while moving sideways at home, but goddamn it if you’re not an Olympian when you get there. Hurry up! [shouting] People in tears, like, “I just want to see my family again! Am I allowed to leave my pullover on? Oh, my God! I forgot to put my wallet in a bin! What’ll happen?” [imitating machine gun fire] No wallets! It’s so fuckin’ tense. Like when you’re in line with everybody and you’re going through the zigzags, yeah, you’re having the time of your life. The moment you touch a bin, you’re in the Octagon. Nobody’s your buddy. Nobody’s your pal. They’re timing you. As soon as you touch a bin, go! “That’s as fast as you can go? How many bins do you need? Laptop and an iPad? Where the fuck are you going?” Then you gotta go through that goddamn Stargate machine. What is that? Why do we just do it? What is it? If you asked TSA, “What does this even do?” They’re like, “Well, shows us where your sweaty spots are, and then we tackle ’em.” Next time you’re at the airport and you step into that Stargate machine, look at the person on the other side and be like, “I guess Los Angeles, 1984, please.” [vocalizing Terminator theme song] “Sir, please come out.” “Oh. How long was I gone?” Do all that. “Sir, you can step out.” “How long was I gone? Where am I?” “Very funny, sir. Please go, get on your flight. You, ma’am, with the baby formula, why are you here?” “I think I was sent from the future to kill a boy.” “Sir, please, grab your bag. Go get on your flight. Ma’am, get over here! Why are you trying to feed infants?” [chuckling] Anyways, that’s my airport jaunt.
If you think Jesus was white, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on gun control. [groans] Not everyone’s gonna agree. We know now, more than ever, education’s expensive. Also some people in the crowd are like, “But Jesus was white.” And you’re doing the best. I want to live like that. I can’t. I gotta be up here. I gotta look into it. All I’m saying is, if you guys want real change, you gotta limit some people’s ability to vote. I know. I know. I know. It doesn’t sound progressive. Neither does genocide. People hate genocide. Why? Because it’s been used horrifically every single time it’s been used throughout history? That doesn’t necessarily make it a bad thing. If I told you guys tomorrow that we were gonna round up all of the racist, homophobic people and kill them, you’re telling me all the smart people wouldn’t be like… “Well, shit, we haven’t tried that version. That might actually have an impact.” Maybe it’s not based on skin color or religion. Maybe it’s just, “Who’s the dick? Get him out. Get him out of here.” Lump in global warming deniers. Let’s clean house. You guys get it. You guys are hip. You’re cool. You get it. I’m one of those people that doesn’t believe in global warming, but I’m pretty sure Noah’s ark was a true story. Where the guy was warning everybody about the insane change in the weather, and everyone’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Noah. Quit hoggin’ all the wood so you can go off and fuck those animals. Well, that’s what it looks like. That’s what it looks like to us, dude. Looks like you’re building some kind of sex ship out there. If that’s not the case, you need to come down to the pub, and you need to give a speech, ’cause people are talking, dude. People are fuckin’ talkin’. We don’t know you. We don’t know you. People are chattin’, dude. You’re like a thousand. No one else is a thousand.” [chuckling]
On the topic of guns, not everyone here likes guns. Not everyone here hates guns. Maybe some guns shouldn’t be available. But what we do know for a fact is that right now, all of the guns are currently available. And some people are collecting guns. And some people are picking flowers, hoping it all goes away one day. I assure you, it is not going to go away. You’ve been led to believe at some point, it’s gonna be us versus them. We just don’t know who “them” is. But in reality, it’s gonna be red versus blue, and it’s gonna be a fuckin’ bloodbath. So while guns are currently available… consider having a few around. You know, for when the shit hits the fan. You don’t want people barging in in your house and you’re like, “I got a ton of steak knives!” I told my wife, “I think we should get a gun.” She was like, “Why do we need a gun?” I was like, “I don’t know. We’re probably gonna want water in ten years.” I want to live for today like everybody else, but I gotta live for tomorrow a little bit. You know what I mean? Look down the road. Look down the Fury Road, you guys. Did anybody see that documentary? Anybody see that? “I thought it was a film.” Did you? [raspy falsetto] “O.J. hated water. He hated water.” We’d go out, and I’d be like, “O.J. Need some water.” [chuckling] I will say this. I don’t do impressions ’cause I’m shitty at ’em. But I promise you, this one is pretty close. It’s pretty close. When you finally watch that documentary, you’re, “Oh, my God. It’s a shame that guy killed himself. He could have made money doing voices.” [high-pitched voice] You know what? [chuckling] O.J.
I don’t like how some people react when glass breaks. Have you seen these people? What if this was my whole show? “Have you guys seen these people?” Glass breaks, they’re like, “Nobody touch it!” Shut the fuck up. This is nobody’s first broken glass rodeo. Nobody’s running over like, “Here, let me scoop up a lot of the shards with my bare forearms. Put all the pieces in my mouth till I find a trash can at some point. No, put the shards of glass into my mouth.” “Nobody walk around with your shoes off.” Are you sure? When I heard the glass break, I immediately threw on my bathing suit. Was that for nothing? Where’s the glass? Yay!
Get these “save the dates” for people’s weddings. You guys know what I’m talking about. The “save the dates.” When did this start? Why did this start? Why was someone like, “You know what? In advance of the invitation, let’s send our friends a ‘save the date,’ as to say, ‘Psst! Heads up. Invitation on the way. You’re one of the chosen ones. That’s right. Identical information on both pieces of paper. Except on that save the date, you’re gonna get a pretty cool, insecure picture of the two of us. That’s a magnet. Put that on the fridge. Decorate your home with our faces.’” You see those pictures, you’re like, “Oh, fuck. I can’t go to this.” They’re just looking at you like, “This is what love is, right? We’re in a field in the middle of nowhere, standing next to an abandoned barn. Come to our wedding. Look at us. We’re spooning backwards while standing, laughing about something one of us brought up. Be at our wedding! Look, we’re on a dock in the middle of a lake. We don’t even live near a lake. How did we get there? Love! Love drove us that day to get those candid photographs. We didn’t even know the photographer was there. We’re just always standing like that.”
Also, those pictures, that’s never the dude’s idea. When you get that “save the date,” and it’s like your buddy, you’re like, what the fuck is this? The dude is never, “You know what? Let’s take one where our foreheads are touching and our eyes are closed. You know, as like a backup. As a backup, in case we don’t use the one where I’m shirtless on a horse. You know.” If you want to invite me to your wedding, just send me a piece of paper. Loose-leaf is perfect. Scribble it with crayon. Save the money. Just send me a piece of paper that’s got the date of the wedding and tell me if you’re gonna have alcohol at the reception or not. Because if you’re not gonna serve alcohol at your wedding reception, show some balls and put that on the invitation. Find out the hard way how many of your friends and family… truly give a fuck about your wedding. [audience applauding] [chuckling]
You get to a reception– “Yeah, I’ll take a beer.” “Oh, we don’t have any alcohol.” “Then what the fuck did I just sit through? A shitty play?” That’s what a wedding is. A wedding is a shitty play. The only people who like it are in it, like all plays. Everybody else is in the audience like, “Twenty more minutes, we are getting fucked!” “Not at our wedding! We invited Jesus.” I was at a wedding. It was a non-alcoholic reception. I was like, “I hope they get diarrhea on the honeymoon.” That’s not a very nice thing to say. I was like, “Really? I was gonna say I hope they die tonight.” Nothing gets me on the dance floor like a big old pint of sweet tea! I like to be fully present in the moment, fully aware I’m not a good dancer. The sweet tea reminds me every step of the way. [chuckling]
I’ve used a Fleshlight before. [laughing, applauding] Guys, don’t be like that. Don’t be like that. I was at a show, doing a festival in Texas. They gave all the performers a gift bag. In the gift bag there was a free Fleshlight. I don’t know if they gave us those as a joke. I didn’t take it as one. I pulled myself aside… and immediately reprioritized my entire afternoon. I said, “Rory, we skipped lunch before. Didn’t kill us then. Will not kill us now.” “Fuck this thing!” Out loud in a hotel lobby. “I gotta get my dick out! I gotta do it!” Some women in this crowd, you’re like, “I think it’s gross he used a Fleshlight.” Some women don’t care. Some women still think I said “flashlight.” Now you know who you are. So do the people around you. “Well, then what is it?” “I don’t fucking know. Dude fucking loves 9/11. I don’t know. I don’t know.” If you’re a dude in here, and you think it’s gross that I’ve used a Fleshlight, you need to look at the facts. You’re in a city that you do not live in, in a hotel room by yourself. Someone gives you a free Fleshlight. You can go fuck yourself if you think you’re not gonna go fuck yourself. You’re immediately going to go fuck yourself because you have to know. [shouting] What is it like? I know some people are in here, “Oh, I don’t need a sex toy.” Grow up. If you were out on the sidewalk right now and someone pulled up in a Ferrari and was like, “Get in,” you’re not gonna be like, “But I already have a car.” No. You’re gonna get in. And you’re gonna find out the hard way it’s a Kia Rio in disguise.
Here’s how they work. [chuckling] Whoo, this joke is a two-parter. You have to take a fake, rubbery vagina… out of a flashlight casing and put it in warm water for five minutes. Never in your entire life will you feel more ridiculous. Standing in a hotel bathroom… naked, ’cause you’re ready. You’re ready. You don’t know. You don’t know what’s about to happen. Be ready. Be naked. Be ready. Standing over the sink like a kid who just dropped one of those dinosaur sponge pills into the water. Can’t wait for my vagina to be ready! I love going on the road! Brings out the best in me! When you’re doing that in a hotel bathroom, there is one other person in there with you, and you lock eyes the moment you look in the mirror. And he’s got questions. Rory, how did we get here? How did we get to this point? You’re married. Surely your wife knows someone you can sleep with. Not a lot of people ever laugh at that part. She certainly wishes I would stop saying it. But now we got these cameras. Can’t go back now. It’s out there. [chuckles]
I think what life is actually about– Now actually– And action. Now the special is starting. Action. I think what life is actually about– [chuckling] is realizing that we’re all covered in layers that we’ve put there for some reason. For protection. Whatever reason it is. The only way you’re gonna get to know who you truly are and expose your true self to everyone else is to get rid of those layers. And you see some people get rid of those layers at a young age. You see they have a very happy life. Then you see some people that are your age who haven’t removed one layer. You’re like, “Ooh.” That’s the layer that I removed that day. I found out… that I’m a guy who will just fuck whatever you got. What have you got over there, a pile of inanimate objects? Cool if I put my dick in ’em? I’m one of those people. [chuckling] I’d fuck a fake ass, if you had one. Don’t act like you don’t know what that is. Nobody can clear their pop-ups that fast. Not saying you have one, but you know what’s on the market. No legs, no torso. It’s just an ass that you have sex with. Yes, the show is surprisingly bookended. [audience applauding]
I hope that’s the point that the guy was taking an hour-long shit comes back in. “Why are you still watching this?” “You missed a lot of other stuff. He hates women.” [chuckling] I looked at one of those fake asses for about five– Shut up, guys. Not now. Not this close to the end. Don’t you leave me. Lock those doors. They are locked? So all the doors are locked. I looked at one of those things for five minutes. I was like, “You know what? If no one was ever gonna know, then, yeah, I’ll have sex with it. I’m gonna jerk off anyway.” Fellas, am I right? The shittiest choreographed ending. All right. Just me. Just me. I thought we’d all stand up and get into it, but–
Women, I don’t know if you know this about men… but when we’re in our 20s and our brain is, “Jerk off right now,” we’re like, “You got it. You got it.” When we’re in our 30s and our brain is, “Jerk off right now,” I promise you, all of us are like, “When the fuck does this stop? I don’t wanna do this shit anymore. It’s been 20 goddamn years. I haven’t liked it for ten. I just kept doing it ’cause I thought I’d die. Stay away from me… and stay away from my family.” My question is, if you buy one of those fake asses… where do you even keep that? “I keep mine under the bed.” Do you, you lunatic? I would rather my child find a loaded gun in the house. Far less awkward than the day my kid comes into the kitchen, “Daddy, what’s this?” Well, that’s kind of your mom when she’s out of town.
You guys, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. -[audience cheering, applauding] -Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. [cheering continues] [audience chanting] Rory! Rory! Rory! Rory! Rory! Ror– [crickets chirping] [Rory] Oh, this is fantas– Guys! This is the best. You guys do this at the end of every show? -[man] Get him in there. -You guys are the absolute best. No, don’t throw me in a Dumpster! -That sucked. -[Rory] Hey! -He was better than Todd Glass. -Who?
[man] ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ I’ve tried my luck, now what the fuck To do with the misery? ♪ ♪ Witness all the mess I will regret ♪ ♪ By this time next morning ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ Lights on, last call ♪ ♪ Lights on everywhere ♪ ♪ Oh-oh ♪ ♪ Oh, so far across the sea ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ Lights on, last call ♪ ♪ Lights on everywhere ♪ ♪ Lights on, last call ♪ ♪ Lights on everywhere ♪ ♪ Home, go home ♪ ♪ Go home ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ I tried my luck, now what the fuck To do with the misery? ♪ ♪ Witness all the mess I will regret ♪ ♪ By this time next morning ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ [whistling] [snorts] Oh. Um–