It’s just brilliant for somebody to speak the truth and not care what anybody else thinks about it. He’s a smart guy, he’s a wordsmith. He can put his finger on the pulse of society and find all the hot spots. I think he’s a genius. He’s our Lenny Bruce. He’s the modern-day version of those guys who challenge society. I think the honesty… He says things that everybody thinks but probably they’re too scared to say. He’s raw. He’s absolutely twisted, but it’s brilliant. He’s a straight talker. I just like his Scottish humour, eh? It’s awesome. We were considering sitting down the front but two bald guys… You know what I mean? We’ve no chance. He takes it to the edge, a lot further than anybody else. So this is like my first time. I’m a Frankie virgin.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage the man himself, the one and only’ ‘Mr Frankie Boyle!
(CHEERING) (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello! Hello, Glasgow. (CROWD CHEERING) How are you doing, wee man? Are you a weird-looking straight guy or a really weird-looking gay guy? I’d come on your face just to cover it up. Depends how much you pay me. How much will I pay you? That was your fucking effort, was it? Yeah. When your mum gave birth she shat you out so she could leave her pussy free for fucking the doctors. Well, you’re getting a fucking hard time for getting your phone out, you dozy cunt. Where are you from? Any idea? Just looking up at me like your fucking cat started talking. You’ve got a blank face there, pal. If you held that expression for long enough in a hospital you’d get fucking switched off. You’re from Belfast. I’ve heard a bit about Belfast. Apparently, you have some religious worries over there. We’ve… We don’t really take any opinion of it. It’s none of our business, to be honest. What brought you over? The ferry? – Are you working here? – No, on the brew. On the brew? Listen to how popular that’s made you in the room now. (CROWD JEERING) Fucking 400 years on and Irish immigration is still a fucking issue for these people. I’ll give you a job, man. ‘Cause we might have to fight our way out of this fucking thing at the end, OK? Is that your girlfriend? You’re doing fucking well for yourself, man. I bet you her parents just wish that you’d hurry up and murder her so they could grieve properly. Bet you they’re in tears every time they see Shrek. What’s those two empty seats right in the middle? This is supposed to be sold out. Where are they? I hope they’re dead in a fucking car crash. (WHISTLING) (LAUGHS) And what are you guys? Here in your fucking waistcoats and your suits and… I mean, don’t answer “cunts” ’cause I can fucking see that. What are you doing fucking jumping about Glasgow in a fucking morning coat with a side parting? I once had people shout at me in this city from a moving car for wearing gloves. “Gloves, you prick!” “It’s winter.” (LAUGHS) Fucking hell. Are you on some kind of poverty safari? Who are you? Where are you from? – Glasgow. – You’re from Glasgow? Where the fuck abouts are you? How the fuck have you not been picked off? What do you do? – MAN: Pollok. – You’re from Pollok? What the fuck is going on here? Have you quantum-leaped here from an alternative Pollok?
I’ve got to that stage now where people come up and talk to me in the street and I fucking hate people. Arseholes are attracted to me in the same way that a store detective is attracted to a 2002 Celtic away top. People come up to me and they say, “Frankie, what should I do “if an ex-girlfriend phones me up “and tells me that she’s HIV positive?” And I say, “The trick is “to always act surprised.”
Justin Bieber was accused of fathering a baby. Bieber said, “Judge me on my music.” Guilty. He was only 17 at the time so technically that woman raped Justin Bieber. At least it’s something off my to-do list.
My girlfriend and I decided that we didn’t want kids when the first one was about six. Um… I’ve got two kids. It does put you off sex, watching childbirth. I mean, you don’t go back to your beautiful picnic spot after you’ve witnessed a horrendous murder there. Childbirth is everything people say it is. It’s wonderful, it’s magical. It’s also watching your beautiful wife take a shit on a baby’s head. Even caesareans. After two caesareans it’s like trying to fuck something that survived a shark attack. Do have the caesareans though. Two vaginal births and it’s like you’re trying to fuck a dying man’s handshake. It’s like punching smoke. It’s a good excuse to never go down on your partner again, though. You can say, “The last guy I saw come out of there “didn’t exactly have a fucking smile on his face.”
They did a study that said the people who get the most sex in Britain is the over-70’s. What’s an over-70s chat-up line sound like? “Here’s a ouija board. Tell your mum you won’t be coming home tonight.” There’s an abject moment that happens to you, sexually, as you get older. I’m nearly 40 now. That’s what happened to me. – The first time… – (WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) – What’s that? – (WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) Aye. Thanks for shouting it out like a crazy bitch. That’s brilliant. I’ll abuse you so badly your gynaecologist will think you’ve been in a fucking car crash. – Do you love me? – (WOMAN REPLIES INDISTINCTLY) I reckon your pussy has seen more action than fucking Helmand. Where the fuck were we? Oh, aye. This will happen to you. I’m nearly 40, right? The first time you’re about to take someone from behind doggie style, you think, “I better put something down there for my knees. “Maybe I’ll fold up a wee towel.” I’d love to do a 69 with you, hen, but to be honest, I struggle to get back up out of your bean bag, so…
Cliff Richard was on the radio the other week. And if he said that if he got Alzheimer’s he’d consider committing suicide. And, unfortunately, the interviewer didn’t have the presence of mind to say, “I know, I know. You told me that already.”
Facebook have a thing now where if you threaten to commit suicide in your Facebook status they say they’ll inform the authorities within 12 hours. Good news if you were planning on slashing your wrists with a banana. I’ll try and help out with that. I check Facebook every day for people who are threatening to kill themselves. And I try and cheer them up with a quiet wee “Frankie likes this”. See the Terry Pratchett documentary about assisted suicide? I couldn’t watch the bit where the old guy died. ‘Cause I was coming so hard that my glasses fell off. (LAUGHS)
I want to get in some proper fucking trouble on this tour, I really do. – (CROWD CHEERS) – So… It’s a badge of honour, isn’t it? You never see a shit comedian involved in a controversy, do you? You never switch on the news and see “Peter Kay was at the centre of a storm today “when his joke about whether or not you remember Dairylea Triangles “was blasted by lactose-intolerant groups.” He likes to do nostalgia, Peter Kay. I could do that. Do you remember when Peter Kay was good? There we go. They sacked Jason Manford for having a wank in a hotel room. It’s not like he’s wanking on The One Show, is it? “Next up, Phil Tufnell “with the best budget lawnmowers.” Of course he’s wanking. He’s a comedian on tour. I can’t come on tour unless I’ve wrapped a student in cling film and kicked the body down a motorway lay-by.
TV’s a fantasy. It’s a middle class bourgeois fantasy. You look at daytime TV and how aspirational it is. Then ask yourself, “Who’s watching daytime TV?” Benefit cheats. And prisoners. They don’t buy and sell antiques. They don’t renovate houses to sell them on. They don’t have stuff in their attic. And if they did have stuff in their attic, it would be fucking Shannon Matthews. Oh, that was too much? Fucking brace yourselves, OK? That was a fucking sorbet to clear the palate is what that was. You’ll be looking back on the Shannon Matthews material like it was a treasured childhood holiday in 20 minutes. (LAUGHS) All these middle class cookery shows where they braise a saddle of lamb. I want a show aimed at the people that are watching it where two chefs try to remember that they’ve left oven chips on. I want a show where Gok Wan shows you what kind of make-up to use to cover up a black eye. I want someone on Flog it!… Just one of the people that watches Flog It! A recovering heroin addict prostitute. “What have you got to flog for us today?” “Well, an MPEG of me being fucked “by a Staffordshire bull terrier.”
I enjoyed the European Championships, I did, but England didn’t go out the way I wanted them to. I wanted it to be on penalties, but I wanted John Terry to lose his fucking mind and blast his penalty into the face of a black spectator. Now, I have to be careful how to phrase this next bit, but… John Terry has a rapist’s face. (LAUGHS) I’m not saying he’s raped anyone. Not saying he’s raped anyone. All I’m saying is if he does rape someone I get £200 off Paddy Power… (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) From a £190 bet. (LAUGHS) I wouldn’t piss on John Terry if he was on fire. In fact, if I’d been drinking heavily all day and I really needed a piss and I had to queue to get into the bathroom and John Terry was on fire in the toilet bowl, I’d use the sink. The only fluid I’d give John Terry is I’d wank on him in a burns ward if I had AIDS. “Open your mouth, John. Open your burning mouth!”
I love the way England always gets really excited in these championships, man. Everyone gets really excited just ’cause Wayne Rooney nodded in a goal that could have been put away by Stephen Hawking during a power surge. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Rooney’s had a hair transplant, eh? Somebody should tell the fucker they do faces now as well. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’d like to see him with Andy Caro’s hair. He’d look like a rapist Cabbage Patch doll. They should have got Harry Redknapp as manager, shouldn’t they? The guy who looks like someone waxed a Womble.
I like that band Little Mix. Just ’cause one of them has an entirely oval face. I keep expecting Jonny Wilkinson to run in and boot her fucking head off her shoulders. She could be in Embarrassing Bodies without even taking her top off. There’s a whole debate on the X-Factor, isn’t there? Should they let mentally ill people on there? Let them on there. It’s supposed to be fucking entertaining. I want Peter Sutcliffe on there singing If! Had a Hammer. Say what you like about the Yorkshire Ripper, but he must have one hell of a wank bank. Produce placement on the X-Factor now. I reckon, as a culture, we’re about six months away from having product placement on the fucking news. (POSH VOICE) “A British solder died in Kandahar today “after stepping on a landmine. “Should have gone to Specsavers.” (LAUGHS) Fucking Union Jack dress down the front. That’s going to get you in fucking trouble. (CROWD JEERS)
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’ve had a few religious problems here over the years, you know. (LAUGHS)
Slightly more mature lady. You don’t mind me saying that, do you? Do you know what I think you’d look good in? 1996. (CHEERING) I’m only kidding. ’94.
You with the tattoos down there, man. You look like the pad I keep beside my phone. Son, you’ve got a bit of a fucking dim expression there. You look like you only remember your own name ’cause your mum’s got it tattooed on her lower back.
How are you doing, madam? I’m not saying you look like a schemey, you just look like you’d have a pebble-dashed vejazzle. Yeah. What’s that in your bra? Have you got your fucking phone in your bra? I do, actually. You did, ’cause I fucking saw you from the wings. Someone will get the wrong number, they’ll phone up and it’ll sound like I’m drowning in your tits. It’s a natural place for your phone, isn’t it? Especially when your knickers have got your bottle opener in there. (INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHS) What’s your story, anyway? What do you do? – I’m an interior designer. – You’re an interior designer? I notice some inconsistencies in the way that you’ve designed the exterior of your face. Not in at terrible way. Not in a terrible way. It’s not so much eyebrows. It’s more like someone has decided to underline your head. God gave you eyebrows so why not tear them off and draw them back on? With no mirror and a lump of coal? (LAUGHS) – (WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) – What are you designing interiors of? Offices, people’s houses. – People’s houses. – Yeah. Who else has houses? All houses are people’s houses. There’s no fucking dog house… Well, there are dog houses, actually, to be honest. You’re right. You’re fucking one step ahead. Concentrate on the people’s houses. That’s where the money is. The dogs have got fuck all. Have you ever tried to sell a dog a lamp? They’re fucking…(LAUGHS)
What the fuck am I talking about now? What about you, man? That’s a rather strange fucking injury you’ve developed there. – What happened to you? – I burnt myself. You burnt yourself? That sounded awfully deliberate there, do you know what I mean? “I burnt myself.” – How did you burn yourself? – I got burnt at work, Frankie. You got burnt? Now you fucking change your story. Fucking one call to those fucking no-fees lawyers, and suddenly you got burned at work. A minute ago you burnt yourself. You’re going to fucking fold in the witness box like a red-hot Mars bar. What happened to you? I work for a company that makes a lot of hot shit and… You work for a company that makes a lot of hot shit? Well, I can see this starting to come together like the start of an episode of Casualty, isn’t it? How did you put your elbow in something hot? I just kind of brushed against it and I was fucked. “I just brushed against it and I was fucked.” There’s a lovely understatement to Scottish people, isn’t there? (LAUGHS) That’s why you don’t really get us on those kind of 999 rescue shows that America has, do you know what I mean? “I was driving along and I just kind of fucked the car into a tree. “I ended up fucked, the car was fucked, uh… “The tree was fucked.” Thank God there was no hot shit around. I probably would have just jumped out and rammed my fucking elbow into it, like a maniac.
Did you watch the Royal Jubilee? I have a theory about the Royal Jubilee. That that rain was Diana’s tears. What? Too soon? Fuck off. The Queen looks fucked now, doesn’t she? She looks like a stamp that’s been in the wash. They’re talking about buying her a yacht as a present. She’s fucking 80-odd. Stick a Cornetto in a pony’s head and tell her it’s a fucking unicorn. It’s been a year of organised fun, hasn’t it? That and the Olympics, you know? Everyone hates organised fun. Going out with your work. The best nights are the spontaneous nights where you end nuts deep in a dead tranny.
Ah, the Olympics. I couldn’t get tickets for the synchronised swimming. So instead I watched a woman drown through a kaleidoscope. Everyone was going on about the diving for some reason. It’s not even a difficult dive! It’s the same diving board you get at decent swimming baths. 9!11, that was a difficult dive. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) It’d be good to see someone grab their ankles in 9!11 throw in a few turns on their way down. It’d be nice to see someone come down with a bit of style that day. Just one guy surfing down on a desk. I said that as it was happening and its taken 11 years to become acceptable. It’s a good event, the diving. It’s the only event where if you really fuck up you can still win gold at the Paraylmpics. Fucking camp, though, the diving is. I say that in a camp way as well. Fucking camp, isn’t it? Thought it would be good if Tom Daley and his partner had jumped at the same time, and the other guy had to beast him in mid-air. Or I’d watch the 100 metres and think, “This would be a lot more exciting if everybody was on fire.” And at the finish line we had a big trough of water. Well, we told them it was water and it was petrol. Why was Britain holding the Olympics? It’s not even a sporty country. Britain’s not even a sporty country. JJB Sports has an escalator to go down one fucking flight of stairs. They should have done it as a lottery, you know? You get a letter through the post and you go, “Fucking hell. I’m doing a triple jump.” Our contestant in the diving ends up being that lassie, Britain’s fattest teenager. She wins ’cause everyone else has to jump into an empty pool.
Did anyone else watch the dressage and think, “Ketamine looks fucking amazing”? (LAUGHS) I like the idea of fucking Jessica Ennis, I do. But I know that in practise my gut would settle into her abs like pancake mix filling up a fucking waffle iron. Victoria Pendleton can lift twice her own body weight. Which is sexy, ’cause it means she still wouldn’t be able to throw me off. Do you know what I thought… (LAUGHS)
Do you know who I thought they should have had as the commentary for the women’s football? Andy Gray with a bottle of wine. (APPLAUSE) Just the national anthem playing and the cameras going along their faces and him going, “Five. Six and a half.” “Seven, if I had a drink in me.” That closing ceremony was shite, wasn’t it? Literally, our only hope of entertainment there was al-Qaeda. If al-Qaeda had blown it up even the survivors would have been applauding. Even people who’d been left with one arm would have been going, “Fucking well done, guys. That was really stunning.”
They had James Bond at the opening ceremony doing a stunt. They should have had him doing the other stuff Bond does, you know, shagging someone and telling a bit of a joke. It would be good if he was bending Jessica Ennis over the podium and then he turned round to the camera and went, I’m going for bronze.” 18,000 troops at the Olympics, man. How much oil is under that fucking stadium? The Afghan shooting team must have been shitting themselves. You take a short cut across a sand pit, some guy has a flashback. Your death ends up being part of the “What Happened Next” round on A Question of Sport.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you this, but I know that for the opening ceremony of the Paralympics they’re actually forming a disabled supergroup. It’s the drummer from Def Leppard, Michael J. Fox on maracas and, obviously, Dappy.
The Olympic torch came through Glasgow, followed by a junkie with a giant spoon. Do you know where the torch really came from? It came from the Nazis. It came from the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Everyone talks about the 1936 Berlin Olympics. No one mentions the 1936 Berlin Paralympics. That’s where it really fucking kicked off. “Well done, pal. There’s your medal, into the showers.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I really wanted to go to the Paralympics, I did. But apparently the parking’: gonna be an absolute bastard. (LAUGHS)
Saudi Arabia was supposed to send a women’s team to the Olympics. Then they didn’t. I was looking forward to their synchronised swimming team in burkas, bobbing about like a tank full of jellyfish. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Apparently, the Saudi Arabia Paralympic team is just thieves. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MAN BOOS) Don’t fucking boo that, you cunt.
I had an idea for doing a joke about the Olympics so offensive, that I would have to retire. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And then that Rebecca Adlington thing was in the papers and I couldn’t do it. I don’t even think Rebecca Adlington’s ugly. She’s… A bit of a challenge wank. But I thought the real star of this Olympics, obviously Jessica Ennis, right? So my idea was, when she’d won the medal, and she’s up on the podium, and the national anthem’s playing, and she’s crying, I thought it’d be good to tweet this joke. “I couldn’t go out with someone like Jessica Ennis. “Couldn’t go out with a woman who wouldn’t feel it when I punched them in the stomach. “I’d end up having to pay for an abortion.” But there’d be no coming back from that joke. I’d have had to go live with Jimmy Carr on his private island. Poor Jimmy, man. Maxine Carr’s raging that he’s ruined the family’s good name.
Do you know what’s at the heart of it for these papers? They say, “Oh, we don’t like this kind of comedy,” you know. But they like to titillate the readers with the jokes. “Oh, we shouldn’t have said this.” Don’t fucking print it then! It’s like a flasher being up in front of a judge and the judge saying, “You’re accused of approaching a lady in a park, and showing her… “One of these!” It’s a weird time to be doing comedy, you know. It’s the first time, since I’ve started that people have said, “Let’s ban certain words, let’s ban certain jokes.” And language doesn’t really work like that, you know.
I had a wee line on the last tour about the Ministry of Defence I’m very anti-war. So I was going, “Ministry of Defence. “At least in the old days, we were honest “when we used to call it the Ministry of War. (HIGH PITCHED VOICE) “Hello, Ministry of War. “Department of Nigger Bombing. “How can I help?” That actually comes from a quote from Lloyd George. Lloyd George, when he was British Prime Minister, said, “British reserves its right to bomb niggers.” And that’s an important quote, ’cause once you hear that, you realise that Britain’s always been racist from the top down. I thought, it’s worth using that in a joke for… It’s worth using that word for. Guy came up to me after a gig in Glasgow. A white guy. And he said, “I don’t think you should ever use the word nigger. “In any context.” And I said, “But you’ve just used it.” And do you know what he said? It seemed like what I would say in the same circumstances. He went, “No, I didn’t.”
You can’t really ban words, right? Ricky Gervais is getting in trouble for saying “mong”. I don’t know why he did it, ’cause he didn’t seem to be able to make it very funny. You can’t ban a word. Even a horrible word like that. That’s like saying, “Let’s just burn one book. “Let’s just burn Mein Kampf. “It’s a horrible book. Nobody likes it.” At the point you burn Mein Kampf, you’re a fucking fascist society. And you’re not even a proper fascist society, ’cause you burned the fucking guide book. You’re marching about in peach military uniforms, invading Poundland. (IN GERMAN ACCENT) Why did you burn the guide book? Why did you burn the guide book, you fucking spastic! You can’t call me that, Herr Oppenfiihrer. That word has been banned. You must call me Der Nincompoop.
I feel a bit like that about the Levenson Inquiry, right? Obviously the tabloids are cunts, right? Obviously. And it’s all PR now, right? I don’t know if anything’: even happening in Syria, or if President Assad has just a book coming out. But freedom of the press is important, and maybe the price that we pay for that is we have to hear who Ryan Giggs is shagging. The only reason we heard that was ’cause his name fits really easily on Twitter. Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink can pump who he fucking likes. I enjoyed the Levenson Inquiry. I liked the McCanns on there. I kept wanting them to go, “Could you ’round it up in the next 10 minutes, mate? “We’ve left the kids over in Starbucks.” Just to show they can still have a bit of a laugh. There is a place for McCanns jokes, it’s probably here. I’m not saying they should do them on the Dictionary Corner on Countdown. (IMITATING GAME SHOW HOST) And going into the break, I’d like to remind you that “Maddie” is an anagram Of “I’m dead… (AUDIENCE GROANS) Well, I didn’t fucking kill her! (AUDIENCE BOOS) I left her with four hours of air. (CHUCKLES) The McCanns should lighten up, shouldn’t they? They’re probably grandparents by now. Oh, no. Wait a minute. You can’t… You can’t boo a joke where she’s dead, and then boo one where she’s alive. Fucking pick one. Do you know the whole thing with the Levenson Inquiry is, who leaves personal voice-mail messages? Who’s ever done that? I like to think if I’d been famous enough to get phone hacked, what I’d have done is I’ve got my friends to leave messages for me, claiming that I’d raped them. Or actually going one further and got a really shit celebrity impressionist to do it. (DEEPENS VOICE) David Bellamy, here. Why did you rape me? (IMITATING MR T) I pity the fool that raped me. (IMITATING) Loyd Grossman, here. Let’s look at the evidence again. You handed me a drink. And I woke up with my arsehole pissing blood. Why did you rape me? (CHUCKLES) Jonathan Ross, here. My arsehole’s wed waw. (HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Murray Walker, here. I’ve been dead for years. Why did you rape my dead body? What the fuck am I doing? (HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE)
Some people say you should never joke about rape. I probably shouldn’t have laughed through that, should I? Some people say you should never joke about rape, rape can never be funny. To those people, I say, imagine Piers Morgan being raped by Lion-O from Thundercats. Those are just what-if’s! They’re not real. Piers Morgan being raped by Lion-O from Thundercats, funny! At the school assembly of a disabled school? Not funny. Not funny. They’re all blind, so they can’t see what’s happening, funny! Funny again! But they can smell something’: wrong. Aw. Oh, not funny. (SOBBING) The smell starts to turn them on. Funny again? Offence is just a question of your own personal taste, isn’t it? I’m offended by banality. I’d have been a lot less offended by Michael Mclntyre’s last DVD if I’d been raped with it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: How’s Jade? How’s Jade? Jade Goody? Sorry, mate, that’s the only fucking Jade I know. What are you talking about? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go for it! Go for it? She’s fucking been dead for about five years, you mad cunt! Have you just woken up from a fucking coma or something? This was covered in my last release. Poor old Jade, man. Fucking didn’t like Indian people, but then hadn’t heard of the concept of karma. (LAUGHS) Yeah. Shilpa Shetty, you smell like curry. Well, Jade, you smell a lot fucking worse than curry now.
I got asked to do a questionnaire for a newspaper, and they refused to print it. I think because my answer to the first question, “What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?” And I put, Ulrika Jonsson’s silence. It said, “Have you ever told someone you loved them, and not meant it?” And I put, “Only my kids.” (LAUGHS) What was the other one? Oh, yeah. It said, “What would you do it you were invisible for the day?” I said, “If I was invisible for the day, “I think I’d kick a mime artist to death.” So at least he’d die with him having thinking he was fantastic at his job. Or I’d paint my cock to look like a Jaffa Cake mini roll and hang around a bulimia seminar. Tulissa won her case, eh. I thought a sex tape of me was about to come out. But it turns out that those little cameras in the windows of Currys don’t even record.
How are you doing? Big monstrous guy with the tattoos, young man. You reviewing this for The Digger? Gazza’s waiting outside for you with Connect Four and a packet of ham. What’s your story, man. What do you do? Bit of this, a bit of that. Bit of this, and a bit of that? Sounds like you might be figuring in Glasgow’s security community somehow, doesn’t it? I don’t imagine you mean a bit of watercolour painting, and a bit of bird watching. How you doing baby, all right? I’m old enough to be your dad. But it doesn’t look like it stopped him. (CHUCKLES)
Don’t worry, I’m gonna talk to you all. How you doing, man. What’s your story? What’s your hopes for the future? – To be a stand-up comedian, I suppose. – To be a stand-up comedian? You want to fucking give it a try? (LOUD CHEERING) I know you’ve all been raised on the fucking X Factor, and you think that’s how it works. Fuck off. There’s no way that he’s had the fucking abusive childhood necessary to do this job. (LAUGHS) What’s your real fucking plan, mate? Make it fucking convincing this time, or I’ll drive you into the ground like a fucking tent peg. See what happens. See what happens? You better get a fucking plan, son. You’ll be living in Glasgow in a recession. You’re gonna end up being the world’s first ever male prostitute that has to offer a meal deal. Mouth, arsehole, and a soft drink for £1.49. You’ll be giving out Nectar points. (CHUCKLES)
How are you doing, me man? All right? Where are you from? – Larkhall. – Larkhall? (CROWD JEERING) Come on. The fucking Rangers jokes aren’t for ten minutes yet. Everybody hates them. I’ll tell you the look you’ve had on your face. You know you when you go the toilet, and you go for a shit and there’s no toilet paper? And you look in your pockets for something to use, and all you find is a receipt? And just before you use it, you look at it, and see that it’s a receipt for toilet paper? That’s what I’m fucking dealing with here. What do you do up in Larkhall, man? (AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS) Don’t you fucking answer me! Fucking… Nobody would fucking pay to see you in here, mate. The only way I’d pay to see you is if it was in a fucking downloadable snuff video. What do you do, mate? I work for John Lewis. You work for John Lewis? Fantastic. A surprisingly camp occupation you’ve got there. I take it this is where you met him? How are you doing? You have a sort of look of one of life’s victims about you, do you know that? You look like you’re going to end your days screaming out your PIN number as you’re slowly folded in your sports hold-all.
Some old people. Hello, old people. Don’t worry, I’m not your enemy. Winter is your enemy.
Got a wee boy now who’s… – (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES) Well, we’ve got someone trying to contact the Starship Enterprise. That’s a fucking turn up for the books. I’ll tell you how you could encore that wee performance, pal. Why don’t you fucking jump? Trust me it’d be a fucking laugh. Yeah, my we boy, now he’s four. He’s the most important thing in the world to me, he really is. Especially now I’ve heard that my kidneys might be on their way out. Was pushing him around the supermarket the other day. I goes, “Have you done a poo?” He went, “No.” I’ve done a potato. “What kind of potato?” “A bum potato.”
It’s weird having something in your life that you love that much, you know? ‘Cause it teaches you about yourself. I always grew up thinking I was a freedom-loving person. I bring my kids up without stifling them. The other day, I put them on a merry-go-round, on a Wurlitzer. And as it went round, I walked round with it. So that at no point was he out of my sight. So I thought I was this freedom-loving person. Actually I’m going, “This thing’s a fucking sushi restaurant for paedophiles!”
We got the boy a dog, but it died. So a good tip if you’ve got a young dog yourself. Very important to adjust its collar as it grows. Apparently the average kid only gets to see his dad for an hour a day. My kids get to see me for six hours a day. If I remember to turn on the TV to Dave before I go out. Life’s different for kids now, isn’t it? They don’t get hand-me-downs any more. When I was a wee guy, I asked my parents for an Action Man for Christmas. They gave me my sister’s Barbie doll with the tits scraped off with a hot knife. Did you ever fancy Barbie, wee man? Did you ever make Barbie Les it up with the wee knitted woman off the toilet roll?
I’m a feminist, basically. Women don’t need men, do they? What women need to do is to invent a vibrator that knows how to bleed the radiators. All this beauty myth stuff they get pushed into. Sticking your feet in a tank full of fish, and then the fish eat the dead skin. That’s degrading is what that is. That’s one step above having your arsehole pecked cleaned by an eagle. Do you know what they did the first boob job on? On a dog. Did it on a dog. Didn’t win Crufts, but it did come second in Miss Paisley, 1975.
Enjoy David Walliams swimming up the Thames? I wish they’d slash his hamstrings and make him swim the fucking Ganges. It actually took attention away from that wee guy. Did you see the guy who swam the Channel with no arms and no legs? I thought he should have pulled himself out at the other end and gone, (WHIMPERS) “Shark.” It was an incredible achievement by that guy ’cause you know he’s not even allowed to train at his local swimming baths? ‘Cause it’s impossible for him to get into the water without bombing. Did anyone see what they did at the finish line? Did anyone see that? The sarcastic bastards gave him a standing ovation. Here’s to the things you can’t do, your poor fucker! “Go, you fucking flesh egg!” Look on the bright side, he never gets a verruca.
Enjoy the trial of Michael Jackson‘s doctor? They were talking during the trial about exhuming Jackson’s body to do tests on it. See, if they’d done it, I was going to watch it on the news with the volume turned down, and Thriller on the stereo. Did you hear the tape? They played that tape of Jackson’s voice under sedation. Show how many drugs this guy was giving him. And he’s going. (DEEPENS VOICE) I’m gonna build a children’s hospital. The biggest children’s hospital in the world. Call it. Michael Jackson’s Children’s Hospital. I don’t even think it was his voice. I think it was the voice of the paedophile demon that controlled his soul. (DEEPENS VOICE) I’m gonna build a children’s hospital. I’m gonna buy those kids a game of Whac-A-Mole. But I’m gonna lie under the game of Whac-A-Mole. Stick my cock up through it. So when they’re banging away with the little hammers, they’re actually banging my cock. Michael Jackson’s Children’s Hospital. The biggest children’s hospital in the world. I’m gonna, ‘ I’m gonna dress up as a surgeon. I’m gonna do operations on them. Put little cocks and little clitorises into the palms of their hands. So that when I’m holding hands with them, I’m actually abusing the little motherfuckers. Michael Jackson’s Children’s Hospital. The biggest children’s hospital in the world. (GRUNTS) I’m gonna tell them they’ve been cured. I’m gonna tell them they’re OK and send them home to their mama. But it won’t be their mama. It’ll be me. Dressed up as the mama in some Mrs Doubtfire kind of makeup. And they’ll wake up on their first night home to hear me screaming, “You’re not OK! “You-re not OK!” from their mama’s face as I come inside them. Michael Jackson’s Children’s Hospital. Biggest children’s hospital… (CHUCKLES) In the world.
Yeah, you’re sorry you booed the Shannon Matthews joke now, motherfuckers. I got the clearest heckle I’ve ever had in my life on that bit. Guy was all right, he was just a mad Michael Jackson fan, right? And at the end of that bit, he goes, (HIGH PITCHED VOICE) “Long after your memory has gone, “Michael Jackson’s memory will live on!” And I said, “In the nightmares of his victims.” Well, this is the ugly end down here. How you doing, man? You look like Alan Sugar’: come face. I’ll tell a wee story, actually. ‘Cause it’s always hard to go back into material after Michael Jackson’s Children Hospital. Everybody take a deep breath, and we’ll find the happy place and I’ll fucking…
I’ll tell a wee story, and then we’ll fucking move along. People ask you… People ask you about good heckles, you know. Now, it almost never happens, you know that thing where a heckle will destroy the sense of the material. I saw it once, it was at Stand in Glasgow. And a guy was doing a terrible routine, you know, about… Do you know that Bob Marley song, I Shot the Sheriff? He was going, I shot the sheriff. That’s what you’ll say in court, is it Bob? “Well, good luck, good luck with the judge if you’re saying, ‘I shot the sheriff.’ “Be interesting to see how that case pans out. ‘I shot the sheriff.”‘ Right? Eventually a guy at the front just fucking cracks and goes, “To be fair, he does go on to state that it was in self-defence.” (HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE)
Scottish people aren’t even trying to be rude, are they? I think that’s what people have got to understand. You’ll know… This girl came up to me a couple of weeks ago, and you’ll know that she wasn’t even particularly trying to be rude. Girl came up to me in Glasgow and she wanted a photo taken with me. And she introduced herself with the words, “You probably won’t want to do this, because you’re a pure dick, but…” (CHUCKLES) And I didn’t because I am a pure dick. (CHUCKLES) It’s the fucking dourness as well. This is true as well. I phoned a taxi the other night, and a people carrier turned up. And I went, and I said to the guy, “Are you a taxi?” And he went, “No, I am driving a taxi.” It’s weird at the minute with this whole Rangers thing, man. Half the people are delighted, half of them are miserable as fuck. It’s like Glasgow has had a stroke. I liked that whole anti-sectarian bill. Do you remember that? They go, “Oh, we’re going to ban these songs. “We’re gonna teach the police these songs. They’re gonna go in and make arrests.” So somehow, over the summer, there was a classroom full of Strathclyde police officers who had to sit there for the day, and pretend that they don’t know The Sash. Strathclyde police. Still the only job you can get with three O-levels and a grade seven on the flute. (CHUCKLES)
I like to give it to both sides equally, man. The Pope… If I was the head of an organisation with a rich history of paedophilia, I don’t think I’d drive about in something that looks like a fucking ice cream van. Fuck the Queen and the Pope! That’s what I say. I’ll tell you what Glasgow’s like… This is true. I did that in the King’s Theatre before, right. And there’s a wee guy down there with a Rangers medal on. And I went, “Fuck the Queen and the Pope!” And he went, “In that order?” (CHUCKLES)
Aye, Rangers, man. Kind of ironic that the only guy that does do walking away is David Murray. Won’t be walking away this season ’cause the away games are 400 fucking miles away. Nice seeing your team getting read out in Gaelic by… If I had to sum Glasgow up to you, right? It’s a place where there’s nothing you can say that’s so mental, that someone won’t back you up. Right? I remember a few years ago, I was trying to cut through a park with my baby. He was a baby at the time, and he’s crying. And I’m trying to get over the park to meet his mum. It’s Christmas time. And obviously it’s raining, because it’s Glasgow, and it’s fucking wetter than Whitney Houston’s last joint. They do sell sunglasses in Glasgow, but only to victims of domestic abuse. And then a guy steps out in front of us and he goes, “You can’t come through here. “I’m a steward for a Christian organisation, and we’re filming a Nativity scene here.” And I said, “So you’re telling me, because you’re doing a Nativity scene, “there’s no room for me and my baby?” And I pushed past him, and I said something I’m still quite proud of to this day. I said, “Jesus would have fucking hated you.” And I walk on through the Nativity scene, they’re all turning round, annoyed. And I’m going, “Fuck off! Fuck you!” And I go like that just as the Virgin Mary turned round, which almost makes me want to become a Catholic again, so I can confess that to someone. “Been 27 years since my last confession, gave our lady the finger.” Still, it’s nothing compared to what God did to her, dirty bastard. I get to the other end of the park and I see my pal Gary, and I haven’t seen my pal Gary, at this point, for 18 months. Which I remember, ’cause he’d been in jail. I said, “Gary, I’m losing it, man. I’m losing my fucking mind. “I almost punched a Christian.” And Gary’s first words, after all that time, are, (DEEPENS VOICE) “I can hold the baby.”
And they have their gay weddings in Scotland now. I’m proud of that, man. I’m proud of Scotland, man. ‘Cause we’ve got nothing against gay people, have we? Unless by gay, you mean English. I’ve always got plenty against them, man. I remember I was drinking in a really rough pub at Glasgow Cross, years ago. And there’s only two guys in the pub. And an English guy comes in and tries to order a pint of lager tops. And this old guy looks up at him, and goes, “(DEEPENS VOICE) You “sell your arse.” And the other old guy, who isn’t even with him, goes, “And it’s a raffle.” (CHUCKLES)
Who would’ve thought that The Krankies were swingers, by the way. I like to think if I was at a swingers party, and my car keys come out the bowl, and a Krankie stood up, I’d be going, “Fuck it, you can keep the car.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Do you want a quick rule of thumb? Here’s a rule of thumb. How to tell if your partner’s having an affair. They seem happy. My girlfriend likes sex outdoors. And I really don’t. So what we’ve done is compromised and taken the spring off the letterbox. They did a study that said that love produces the same effects as cocaine? Certainly, whenever I make love it usually involves the death of an orphaned Colombian street child.
There’s a thing, isn’t there, where if a guy puts a condom on before sex, obviously before sex, I’m off to the pictures. Good luck! If a guy puts a condom on without being asked, you know, on a one night stand, the woman will often think, “Well, that’s quite gentlemanly. “Quite gentlemanly of him.” But it’s often the reason he’s put that condom on is that he looked at you and though, “Bit of a skank.”
How come teenagers need to get so wasted now? It used to be, to fuck a teenager I had to get them drunk. Nowadays, I’ve got to sober them up. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to penetrate someone in the recovery position? Do you know what a time limit it sets on my lovemaking to hear an ambulance siren going off in the background? It’s like trying to come to the fucking Countdown music. Sometimes the ambulance crew will run out and defibrillate the body and the electricity will surge through them, and as I come my cock feels like Raoul Moat’: dying moments. Why are you letting me do this, ambulance crew? (IN DEEP VOICE) We work for Michael Jackson’s Children’s Hospital. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You look like a fucking junkie or something. You all right, man? I thought you were fucking nodding out there. You OK, pal? What’s your story? And you fucking know who I’m talking to. He went, “Yeah I do look a bit like a junkie. “I get that.” (BOYLE LAUGHS) Hey, man. What’s your story? What do you do? – Nothing yet. – Nothing yet? There’s a fucking sentence loaded with promise. That’s like a fucking stage magician. “You’ve seen nothing yet.” What’s your plans, man? What are you working on at the moment? What are you going to fucking reveal? Trying to go into the Army. You’re in the Army? You’re trying to join the Army? I’ve seen nothing yet. I reckon soon, I could see you’ve been blown to fucking pieces for no apparent reason. I don’t think that’s a future, do you know what I mean?
How are you doing down here? You look kind of normal for this crowd. You all right, man? – What’s your story, man? – MAN: Nothing. Nothing? You think I can’t break you? A lot of comedians just do stock put-down lines. I have a private detective who rapes people. If he does you, he’ll take the rohypnol himself so he can forget about you afterwards. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) – Where are you from, man? – Coatbridge. Coatbridge. (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I can see why you want to play your cards close to your chest, there. Fantastic. So who is your key worker? – What do you do at Coatbridge? – I work in a factory. You work in a factory? What do they make in there? Disposable blood units. – Disposable…? – Blood units. Blood units? What the fuck is a blood unit? A bag full of blood? Could your fucking life be any bleaker? Jesus Christ, man. I wouldn’t sentence a sex offender to live in Coatbridge bagging up blood. Can you get us some?
What about you? What do you do while he’s out? Does he just say he’s bagging out blood, and he’s actually a sex killer? “I’m back from the blood factory. “No, the factory said I need to burn all these clothes again. “Company policy.” What do you do, madam? I’ve just finished college. You just finished college? What did you do at college? Hospitality and business. Hospitality and business. What a fucking pointless endeavour that was. It’s fucking Scotland. Anyone who comes to a hotel here doesn’t expect hospitality. “Here’s your fucking room, you prick.”
What about you, man? What’s your story, buddy? – I’m a student. – You’re a student? What are you studying? – Engineering. – Engineering. What do you hope to build? – Don’t know. – You don’t know? What’s the fucking point of that then, man? Have some fucking ambition, man. Have at least the ambition to fucking flatten Coatbridge, man. Flatten its fucking bogus fucking murder factories. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Fucking replace the whole thing with a wee sign that just says, We’re sorry.” OK?
Sex is different for young people now, isn’t it? It’s more extreme. They got brought up on broadband, do you know what I mean? My son, when he grows up, he’ll come home one night and go, “Dad, Dad I got to first base tonight. “An interracial cream pie.” Second base will be smashing up perineum with a fucking fire extinguisher. You’ll see a guy coming out of the bedroom at a house party going, “Smell my fists.” I wish someone had explained it to me when I was a wee guy. I always thought getting a woman off would have a kind of light touch to it. A safecracker kind of thing. I wish someone had explained exactly how much it’s like sanding a fucking banister. – (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) – More effort, wee Frankie? Think more like you’re trying to get a Ribena stain out of a deep carpet. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I got asked to do Celebrity Big Brother this year. What a fucking bloodbath that would have been, man. (BOYLE LAUGHS) Those people aren’t celebrities, they’re a group of people who you’d have to hire a private detective to connect to Kevin Bacon. They sent me a DVD… The guy that won it. What do you call him? Fucking, er, Paddy from Gypsy Weddings. Probably because they worked out how hard it would be to evict the cunt. He beat Jedward. I’ve a theory about Jedward. That the egg that split to form them was actually trying to destroy itself.
There’s a sign up round my way. This is true. Next week, fun run for the disabled. How fucking sick is that? How shall we raise money for the disabled? Let’s show them what fun it is running. “Ah, what fun you could have running if only you weren’t disabled.” It’s like having an “I Spy” contest for the fucking blind. – “Something beginning with ‘N’?” – “Nothing.” “Well done.”
There’s a real taboo about disability now, you know. You’re not supposed to talk about it at all. Disabled people as stereotyped as though they’re vulnerable. The most vulnerable people in society. The weakest people in society. And they’re not. They’re just ordinary everyday people like everyone else. My pal at uni, she had brittle bone disease. So she was a wee lassie in a wheelchair. She wasn’t vulnerable. She was the harshest, drunkest, most cock hungry motherfucker. She was vulnerable in certain situations, right? If she had thrown a bouncy ball in a small enough room she would have killed herself. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) She wasn’t vulnerable. Now, I feel that’s a bit like the Paralympics. I’d rather watch the Paralympics than the Olympics. ‘Cause there is a narrative to it. People are transcending something. There is more of value in the Paralympics. At the same time there is an irony to celebrating physical disability by getting people to do some of the only things that they can’t fucking do. It’s the bit like celebrating mental handicap with a giant episode of Mastermind. “In which modern country is the ancient city of Babylon?” “My name is David.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “You passed on 25 questions, “and your name is not David.”
How does the diving work in the Paralympics? Do some people just get thrown in? “Oh, he’s skimmed there, he’s gonna get points for that.” (BOYLE LAUGHS)
Also surely the silver lining of being disabled is you don’t have to do fucking sports anymore. How strict were their PE teachers? “I’d rather not do five-a-side today, sir. “I lost my legs in a train crash.” “Get fucking changed, boy! “Give your shin pads to someone else.”
What else has been happening? Prince Andrew turned out to have a pal. He was a paedophile billionaire. I didn’t realise there were paedophile billionaires. I got fobbed off with a packet of Fruit Pastilles. Silvio Berlusconi had to stand there and he was accused among other things of shagging teenage prostitutes at 76. When he comes it must be like having a handful of sand thrown into your eyes. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like having a Hoover bag tipped over your head. Greece is going tits up. Everything’: for sale in Greece. I’m buying Lesbos because I have a great idea for a theme park. Britain’s going tits up. Teachers might have to work until they are 70. Can you imagine what a 70-year-old maths teacher is gonna be like? “If there are two milk bottles on my doorstep, “and they are joined by a further 12 milk bottles, “how long have I been dead?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You’re already fanning yourself out there. It’s fucking hot, isn’t it? I’m sweating up here like fucking Peter Andre on Countdown. It’s always been vaguely sinister when it’s hot outside in Scotland, isn’t it? It’s like someone left something on. (BOYLE LAUGHS)
Did you enjoy the riots? The riots were fucking laugh, weren’t they? It shows you just how right wing all the commentators in this country are. All of these people that write their columns going, “Should we go into Libya?” “Is it OK to do something about Syria?” When it’s here they’re like, “Shoot this prick. He’s got a pair of sannies. “Fucking kill him.” Every paper turned into The Daily Mail. Fuck knows what The Daily Mail was writing. Princess Diana’s body has been stolen by space Pakis. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We need to be more honest about how we react to things. People react to things in complex ways. And we’re encouraged now to pretend that we only react in simple ways. So, for example, do you remember the case, there was a wee guy on a school trip who got killed by a polar bear. Now, obviously you watch that in the news and you think that’s terrible for the wee guy. It’s terrible for his friends. Obviously you think that. But also, part of me, part of me thought, “Ha ha.” What? He could have ironically went to a school called Eton. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Bit of a posh holiday if you get killed by a polar bear, really. A good an advert for parks. Just a picture of the bear biting down on someone’s head and underneath, “parks. Shite, but there’s no polar bears.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I feel a bit like that. Do you remember the case, there was that Scottish lassie in Afghanistan, a hostage, and the Americans were supposed to rescue her, and they blew it up. Blew it up. Who would have imagined that a rescue grenade wouldn’t work? “Throw the rescue grenade. I’ve got a really good feeling about this.” They filmed the whole thing, so at least the family will get compensation. £250 from You’ve Been Framed. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They shot Osama bin Laden in the face and threw him in the sea in my favourite ever episode of Celebrity Wipeout.
Prince Harry’s going to Afghanistan. So now he might die the same way as his mum, fucking with the wrong Muslim. (HOOTING) He’s gonna die anyway, he’s a ginger in the desert. He can get skin cancer from a fucking crescent moon.
Do you know what they just gave soldiers in Afghanistan? Bomb-proof pants. That has really got to take the edge off, when you hear that your son has died in a mortar attack, to be presented with his perfectly preserved cock and balls.
We’re a bit politically disengaged in Scotland at the minute, aren’t we? We think that NATO is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I don’t know if that’s terrible or not, but it’s just my favourite fucking joke. (CHUCKLING)
We cause the world’s problems, do you know what I mean? We don’t even cause them. We don’t even have agency. We are just, like, America’s evil henchmen. You know? We torture people ’cause we think they are suicide bombers. The guy was planning on blowing himself up. What the fuck are you going to do to him? He’s a Muslim. Give him a Bacardi and Coke, he’ll tell you everything. Terrorists are fucking overrated, the fucking morons. That guy in Norway… “My plan for white supremacy. “Step one, kill 68 white people.” White supremacy? What kind of a fucking possession is that? “I want to live in a world where white people reign supreme?” You already do, you stupid cunt! You already fucking do! You just got yourself sent to jail that’s run by black people. That’s where the white people put them because they’re fucking racist cunts. They’d have loved you.
Thirty years since the Falklands War, 30 years and yet Simon Weston doesn’t seem to have aged a day, does he? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I think he’d laugh at that joke. If his face could still move.
Scotland’s just got… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Scotland just got voted the manliest nation on earth. I think it’s the women of Scotland that won us that award. Most Scottish thing I’ve ever seen. We got lost on the West Highland Way. Went to this pub. It’s like a really old pub. And it’s got timbers going across the ceiling as you go into the lounge bar. And this big rugby player guy in a Scotland rugby top walks through with a tray of drinks. And he walks, bang! Face first into one of these timbers. He doesn’t spill a drink. Takes a step back and goes, “Fuck you, beam.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (BOYLE LAUGHS)
I think English people have a stereotype for us, don’t they? That we get harder to understand as we get drunker. I’ve always found that the opposite is true. I find you meet someone at the start of the night and they’re like, (GRUNTS). Then you see them after like eight drinks in the doorway on the phone, going, “I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to speak to my own wife.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I went down to the filming of that Brad Pitt thing down in Glasgow. Thousands of people down there. Mostly locals hoping to be adopted. They filled the streets with Zombie’s just by suspending the methadone programme for two weeks.
I like Andy Murray. Andy Murray’s not even miserable, is he? That’s just what a Scottish guy looks like when he’s never allowed to eat chips. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It’s a different fucking world up here, isn’t it, man? You see a kid with stabilisers on his bike in Glasgow, it doesn’t mean he can’t cycle. Sometimes it means he needs to be able to do his paper round drunk.
David Cameron left his kid in a pub. I like to think that I’d realise I left my kid in a pub, at the point when I was strapping my bodyguard into the booster seat. You never see Scottish kids in a pub do you? Well, not since the smoking ban. (BOYLE LAUGHS)
Cameron’s behind in the polls to Ed Miliband. What must that feel like? That must be like hearing that your wife’s left you for a dildo. Voting for Ed Miliband’s like finding a toilet so dirty you’d rather just shit your pants. The fucking people we’ve elected over the last few years, man. Lembit Öpik, a fucking banana with Down’s syndrome. Boris Johnson, a guy who always looks like he’s just broken a hotel trouser press trying to reheat a meat pie. We are getting further and further away from democracy in this country. What we call democracy has got further and further away from reality. When I was a kid, Thatcher was in. So I didn’t vote for this. Most people did vote for it. She’s doing exactly what she said she was gonna do. Deep-throating Satan’s cock so hard that she could lick his black balls on the down-stroke. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And then years later Labour are around and you think, “Well, I voted for this. “But they’re not doing what they said they would do.” And now we’ve a coalition and you think, “Well, nobody voted for this.” Nobody voted for the fucking cuts. And if you’re a Liberal Democratic voter, they’re doing exactly the opposite of what they said they were gonna do. They’re leading us by stages. They’re leading us by stages to the next general election. You’ll go in a polling booth, be confronted by a piece of paper with drawings of four different desserts on it. You’ll tick the one you like least, and you’ll get raped by a clown. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And you think the clown’s going to come inside you, but at the last minute he’ll pull out and it’ll be confetti. (BOYLE LAUGHS)
They’re fucking immoral people, that’s the problem. They’re not moral. You know? “Let’s withdraw benefits to encourage people back into work.” Well, if there are no jobs that’s like saying, “Let’s withdraw medicine to encourage people to become in fucking immortal.”
We’re approaching free-fall. That’s what we are. Just switch your TV on, man. Have you seen that show where they get heavily disabled people to go on dates? What’s it called? The Only Way is Essex? And that’s the role models now. If you’re a young woman now that’s what you aspire to. To be fired into more than fucking 2Pac.
The Voice? I watched one episode of The Voice. And my cringe reflex got such a workout I can now clench my face into a fist. Jessie J to me looks like a flightless bird that somehow got its head stuck in a chemotherapy wig. She came out as bisexual. Brilliant. Now women can not fancy her as well. Fucking zombie culture, do you know what I mean? Anyone who makes money will just never retire. Madonna will keep getting her tits out. Madonna’s tits look like the kind of things you’d buy in a pet shop for dogs to chew as a treat. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Blur. Blur, a fucking cheese-making cunt, a New Labour Cunt, a fake Cockney cunt, and a cunt. (CHEERING)
So I get one final swoop on the Death Star. I am doing a show on Channel 4. Channel 4, a channel so cynical that they’ll probably re-brand the Paralympics “Embarrassing Body Sports Day”. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) They haven’t stood still over the years. They invented E4, for morons, and E4 plus one for morons who can’t tell the time.
Poor old Whitney Houston. It was only the other day when the grief really hit me. When Ladbrokes explained that for my accumulator to pay out Gazza would have to have died first. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Her family said that at least she was clean when she died. And she must have been. She’d been in the bath for an hour.
Steve Jobs died. Did anyone else think it was ironic that Steve Jobs got thinner as his laptops got thinner? By the time he invented the MacBook Air, he was a ghost. I came up for a use for the iPad. The iPad is for taking the piss out of fat people. What you do is you sit on the train and you wait for a fat person to sit beside you, and then you and you go, “Excuse me, I think I left my iPhone on the chair. “Oh, you squashed it, you fat cunt!”
I heard a great thing the other day. Said that the Wi-Fi signal from laptops may damage sperm. Now to be honest, I’ve been checking my sperm when the laptop’s on and it seems to be fine. If anything, it’s the laptop that gets damaged. Like an overfilled toasty. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And that was suddenly too much? You are a fucking strange crowd. I’ve always had this talent, you see? It’s a kind of reflex, to say the most horrible thing possible. I remember when I was a teacher… I was a teacher. (BOYLE LAUGHS) A wee guy in class put his hand up. I think he was trying to embarrass me. He went, “Sir, see, for my story I need a euphemism for erection.” And I said, “Rapist’s crowbar.”
It’s a curse. It is a curse, you know? I went out with this girl for years. And we were in love, we were both in love. We lived together, all that stuff. We split up. And years later I saw her in a railway station. We’re talking for five minutes and it’s one of these things where you’re talking for five minutes and it’s like you’ve never been apart. And as she left she turned round. She said, “Do you ever think of me?” And I said, “To stop myself from coming.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) So it’s a curse, you know? And I got a lot of hate. I would point out, no one could ever hate me half as much as I don’t care. It’s good to be hated by morons. It is. It’s good to wake up in the morning knowing that there’s people out there that’ll dance on my grave, and if I get buried at sea they’ll all fucking drown. This was the last one. I was doing some jokes about Robbie Savage. And he got annoyed. He wanted to fight me. He tweeted that he wanted to fight me. I was like, you keep fighting evolution and I’ll fight the winner. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I got in a wee bit of trouble with Jordan last year? Hey. (WHISTLING) I don’t create the culture, I just comment on the culture, and if the culture throws up a big-titted surgery-abuse victim that I only know about her disabled kid ’cause he turns up in her publicity, I’ll do a fucking joke about it. I can prove that the jokes were aimed at Jordan. ‘Cause there’s no way that Harvey was watching that fucking show. People said, “Oh, Harvey will get bullied at school ’cause of that joke.” Are you really telling me there are kids at school with Harvey who’d like to bully him but can’t think of an angle? So I wrote a wee light-hearted joke about Jordan to lighten things up. Here we go. What’s the difference between Jordan and a pair of curtains? Nothing. They both make the world a darker place. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) She was in the paper yesterday, they said she’s a Marmite personality. She is. Because half of the country hates her and the other half thinks she belongs on the end of a fucking knife. Antony Worrall Thompson got done for nicking cheese. Five times they filmed him before the police turned up. They’d have been down there lot quicker if it was fucking Ainsley Harriott. I liked that wee delay there while you worked out if that was racist or not. It wasn’t. Fuck off. Imagine filming him for nicking cheese. Would’ve been better if they’d come in and found him with his neck broken in a giant mousetrap. Apparently that ginger beard thing… Have you ever heard this? That this is a Viking thing? The idea would be that there was no native British ginger beard. So this would have come from the Vikings. Which is why I think I’m not athletic. ‘Cause almost by definition my great-great-great-great granny couldn’t run very fast. If you think about it… If you go far back along in any of our genetic lines, we’re all at some point the product of rape. For me, it’s my dad. I say my dad. It could have been any one of Cameroon’: 1982 World Cup squad. Are you all right, lady with the pink hair? Are you OK? You haven’t smiled all night. You OK? Scooby Doo fucked off on you, has he? OK, I’ll talk about one last thing, ’cause after I talk about this it’s just kind of too horrible to talk about anything else. The last thing I want to talk about is, do you remember the case recently where a bunch of guys in Rochdale, operating out of a Balti House were, for want of a better phrase, they were fucking kids. Now, I thought the way that that case was reported on was racist, right? Because papers implied this, but also people came out and said this. David Starkey said that. He said this is cultural for these guys. It had fuck all to do with their culture. These guys were from Pakistan. Pakistan has exactly the same age of consent that we do. It had fuck all to do with the culture. And the way that that was reported on was racist. Because white people do that, and when white people do it, it doesn’t make the papers. ‘Cause the football teams they play for fucking cover it up. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’d actually quite like to eat in that Balti House. At least you know they’re not coming in the food. I think it would be a good episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. – (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) – (BOYLE LAUGHS) “You’re raping and you’re cooking in the same place. “You need to separate your raping and your cooking. “What’s wrong with the sauce? “You fucked a kid in it! “You fucked a kid!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s been a pleasure talking to you, Glasgow. Take care of yourselves. All the best.