Dave Attell (S02E07) is the seventh episode of season two of “Comedy Central Presents” released on Sat Jul 10, 1999.
Announcer: From New York City… ( Cheering, applause) Thank you very much. All right, back at you. Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah, uh-huh, why not? How’s it going? You guys are into it. I like it. For those of you who don’t know me, get a look at it. You see it? I have kind of a weird look. I have kind of a, uh… Andre-Agassi-with-a-drinking- problem kind of look. Not many ladies go for it. It’s their loss. That’s the way I see it. We’re here for fun and this is when fun happens– late. Hanging out with your friends– late. Listen to that mother of two. (Light laughter) that’s when all the fun happens– late hanging out all night. You know how it is… fun. Go home a little early, right? Mistake. You get that call the next day. You know that call. “You shoulda hung out, man.” (Laughter) “You shoulda hung out, man.” Well, what happened? ( Deep sigh): “Oh…” That’s what a lie sounds like. ( Deep sigh): “Oh…” Ten minutes after you left…” It’s always ten minutes after you leave. That’s when all the fun shows up like the fun mobile’s ten blocks behind you just waiting, watching. “Ten minutes after you left, the spice girls broke in “and had sex with everybody, yeah. “Even the fat kid wearing the Babylon 5 t-shirt “he got a little. And it’s never going to happen again.”
Yeah. I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes, we both start laughing. Now, uh… He went from pet to friend really quick you know what I’m saying? You got to make your own little fun that’s the way I see it. Go out, have a couple of drinks. Why not? You know what my drink is? Jack Daniels. Yes. That is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants. That’s the way it works. I’m drinking Jack and I started blacking out. You ever black out? Or as I call it “time travel.” You ever do that? Oh, yeah, you know how it is– you’re drinking, you black out, you wake up you’re at another bar, you’re drinking you black out, you wake up you’re playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in north Dakota. Yeah… yeah… Winner fixes the trannie, yeah! You’re drinking, you black out you wake up, you’re in white castle… (Laughter) Working there three years still not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can’t ’cause your banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. (Laughter) They say she’s a little dim, but those titties ain’t dim! (Laughter)
That’s sounds like a little country Western tune. (Humming country Western song) (Laughter) No, this is New York. This is like the house-music capitol. ¶ You got to work it ¶ ¶ you got to push it. ¶ I don’t got to do anything! (Laughter) I don’t like being ordered around by my music, all right? Take it down a notch… Just a little bit. There’s one guy– the worst guy in the music– the yanni man. You know yanni, right? First of all anyone who looks like a magician and doesn’t do magic I don’t like. I don’t even like magic. I hate it, but I love the word “ta-da.” I love that word. I don’t get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You can’t just walk around going: “Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da.” (Laughter) The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising like if I go out drinking all night hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money. “Ta-da.” I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt? Now, I feel like a cigarette.
You can’t smoke anymore. It’s sad, right? I like smoking, ’cause when you smoke you know what you won’t be doing tomorrow like kayaking and bungee-jumping and bike riding and Mountain climbing. I had a hat blow off in a strong wind I’m like, “I’ll get another one. I ain’t moving for nothing.” (Laughter) Sometimes you need a cigarette though, right? Like after sex, you want a cigarette. After you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man… (Laughter) You need a cigarette. ( Light laughter) you don’t roll off someone and go, “ooh, that was amazing. Skittles? Would you like a skittle?” (Laughter) “How about a jolly rancher, baby? You want a jolly rancher?” (Laughter) And after bad things happen, you need a cigarette, right? Like, let’s say, I don’t know… You kill a guy with a hammer, you need a cigarette ’cause sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both, don’t you? “Damn, I got to get the hell out of here. What was I thinking?” (Laughter)
I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me thinking, “how does he know?” I know. I know what they like– lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Come on. They’ll try and fool you with a restraining order “whoo! Oh, you got me.”
I’m hanging out in a bus station guy comes up to me, he’s just got one tooth, just one and he’s not even taking good care of it, neither. (Laughter) You think when you only got one tooth that you’d take really good care of it. Not this guy. He had his own agenda. He comes up to me, right? He’s like, “can I help you?” Help me do what, remember to brush and floss? What can you help me do? He’s like, “oh, no, I thought you needed some directions.” If I need directions I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg ’cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Am I right? Oh, yeah. (Laughter) So why not? Why not? Why not? If there’s a shortcut that one-legged guy knows where it is. You won’t be hopping fences or climbing ladders. He’ll get you right there. I like a man with one leg. I like that look. You like that look? I like it, the way they come up to you. ( Groans) they always look like they’re going to tell you something really important, you know what I’m saying? “It’s very slippery out today.” (Laughter) “The elevator’s broken.” That guy’s got information. He’s helping everyone. Thank you, one-legged man. Thank you. “It’s all right.” ( Light laughter) when you got one leg, you got a good story, right? When things are boring, you can always tell that one-legged story. How’d you lose that leg? It’s always something really manly, right? “Land mine, ’69.” See, a guy with one arm, he’s got a story, too. “Snowblower, bottle of whiskey.” (Laughter) You see a guy with one tooth, where is the story there? What could the story be? Well, how did it happen? “Well, I like a lot of Taffy. (Laughter)
I got into a couple of fights in my time… right? You know what happens when you get in a fight sometimes? You wet your pants. (Laughing, groaning) It’s not ’cause you’re scared. That’s just your balls telling your legs it’s time to move out. I’m getting into a fight with guy– a crazy man. After a show, it turns out he’s an ex-Navy seal. These guys know how to fight on the land, sea and in the air. There’s no escaping them and I’m doing all right until he starts fighting. Now it’s really a brawl, you know what I’m saying? Anyhow, I wake up, I’m at home I’m sitting on the toilet, crying. Not that kind of big girl, we-ran-out-of-ice-cream cry. I’m really crying. Thinking, “it’s over. “Thank God I’m alive. Tomorrow is another day.” Who comes swimming up the toilet? (Laughter) The Navy seal man, right into my butt, making me do things! (Laughter) I like that story ’cause it starts really manly and ends kind of queer. That’s the way I like it. (Laughter)
You’re thinking I’m homophobic. I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” What? “Well, you talk about being gay, so you probably are gay. “You probably secretly want to have sex with another man.” And I say, “listen, voice in my head…” (Laughing) “I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, ’cause one time during a terrible gardening accident… (Laughter) I sat on a cucumber, all right? It happens… yeah. You never see it on E.R., but it’s happening! Every eight minutes out there, someone’s sitting on a cucumber or a papaya, if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret.
I got a little secret: I’m a fat pig. How’s that? I’m getting fatter as we speak. I’m getting fat. This is [Indistinct] And you can’t see it, ’cause I’m fat. I am fat, everyone. Oh, yeah. And the summertime is not fat-man weather I’ll tell you that right now, right? You ever see a fat man in the summer? He always looks like he’s trying to remember something really important. He’s like… (Laughter) Oh, wait. I remember– I’m fat. I got it. I like a fat man in the cold. That’s when he looks good, right? You see a fat guy in the cold, he’s not fat. He just looks prepared. Look at him! He knows what he’s doing. He’s got supplies right on him. Ready for the winter months.
Yeah, you know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: Find the smell. Have you ever played that game? Okay. (Laughter) I was playing… Luckily, it was me you know what I’m saying? It was that kind of scary smell. I hate when I go over to someone’s house and they got that air freshener smell. Who are you fooling? I know you did something smelly and now you don’t want me to smell it, right? It’s some kind of illegal odor out there and I’m going to get to the bottom of it. Right? It’s always some lemon-scented thing, right? Lemons. I’m in the bathroom. Lemons. What, is there a lemonade stand in here somewhere? I’d like a glass of lemonade. And it never just smells like lemons. It always smells like lemons and ass you know what I’m saying? Like a lemon ass (Laughter) And nothing beats ass. (Laughter) Lemon’s just trying to catch up. Ass is laughing. Hah!
Never drink alone, that’s what they say, but you know what? If you drink enough, you will never be alone, all right? People will find you and that’s when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sitting around, doing nothing. Right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothing to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fish tank, all right? No, I did it just to show them who’s boss, all right? They were getting a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubbling. He’s like, “bla…?” Then they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn’t it? (As grandmother): “Get that (Bleep) out of the fish tank! Time for supper.”
I’m in there for the porno. I like a good porno movie. I’m even watching gay porno now. I’m running out of straight porno. I just pretend it’s two straight guys that got there really early you know what I’m saying? Oh, you’re right, that is a great joke. (Laughter) That one is good. If only it was a joke. Some people are against porno movies, and I say: “Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran…” I say, hey. (Laughter) Whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and midget do to a donkey that’s their gosh darn business. (Laughter) It’s just masturbation. Where’s the harm in it? Where is the harm in it, I ask you. I masturbate. I do it like I think if I keep doing it I’m going to win something. That’s the way I do it. One shot, one kill. Two men enter, one man leave. There can be only one highlander. (Laughter) Have you ever got caught masturbating? And I hope it doesn’t happen to you all right, now, listen up. There’s a lot of young people here. Listen up, this could save you a lot of years, all right? I’m telling you. This is what you do: You get caught masturbating, okay? Your fantasy world has collapsed on you, all right? Now, it’s just you and shame hanging out together once again. This is what you do: First, look surprised. And don’t worry, you will be surprised. “Huh? What’s happening?! Oh, bad locksmith.” (Laughter) Then say this, okay: “Quick, get some help! “My hand and peenie are fighting. “Get some help, a hot towel and a chicken burrito. This is a battle royale.” (Humming country tune) I’m bombing. So… (Laughter) That’s not what I wanted. I wanted balloons with happy faces. (Laughter)
Yeah, my brother’s a pilot. I got another brother who’s a computer expert and I’m a comic. We’re like some kind of weird a-team. (Laughter) I want to see that mission. “We need you to fly into Iraq, get into the computer system tell a couple of midget jokes.” Yeah… that’ll distract them. (Laughter)
We live in a racist world. I know. I was down in Augusta, Georgia. Ever been down there? Klan meeting going on. Why is the klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the ku klux klan? (Laughter) “Well, we do hate… We hate everybody, right? Okay, see you next week.” (Laughter) The most racist place I’ve ever been– Alaska. Up there working for the government– operation: Blue ball. Can’t tell you anymore about it. Thank God I did it. They got a klan up there, too, and they are bitter. Why? There’s only one minority guy in the whole state. You go to a klan meeting, it’s like, “we got to get Eric.” (Laughter) It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do men like breasts, and that’s the way it works. They like breasts and they like looking at them. It calms them and quiets them. It’s like a mace shot without all the rolling around and screaming. Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage… Thrusting it out at me making me do things making me listen to you. It’s crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I? Oh, I’m sorry, you caught me. That, too, is a fashion statement. It’s called “time for a new pair of bloomers.” (Laughter) So, I’ll give you a little advice– never let a woman put a condom on you. It’s embarrassing. It’s like, “oh, look. “Oh, look, there’s still more room. ( Dry chuckle) “We could tie it off and use it again “and again, it seems ’cause you’re kind of tiny, tiny.” (Laughter) Every man wonders about the size… Their size of their member, right? Whether you’re a new cop to the force or a young man yawning. What are you yawning at? What, were you building a tree house all day? This is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you so focus! (Laughter) Laying in bed alone at night, I started thinking crazy thoughts at first, right? What kind of job could I get? What would be a dream job for me? Manager of a chocolate factory run by big-breasted hookers. (Laughter) No, I don’t got the schooling for that. Then you settle down and you focus. I wonder if I have a small penis or just gigantic balls? I don’t know. (Laughter) Luckily, there’s a test. The first time you show it to your girlfriend or fiancee or press it up against a bus window or something… (Laughter) If someone looks at it and stares and goes: ( Baby talk): “Oh… look at it. “Look at him, like a little baby Jesus. Look at him.” Time to buy a Porsche, I’m telling you right now ’cause you’re going to need a little help. Women love mystery, that’s what they like– little surprises. Tonight, when you go home add a little mystery to your relationship. When your lady leaves the room take a dump on the floor. Honestly. No, really. Hear me out. There is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor and it always starts a conversation, am I right? “Honey, is that what I think… “I think it is! You better hold me, ’cause I’m afraid.” Get a load of this, everyone. Even as we’re all sitting here somewhere out there somewhere someone’s having sex with an animal. Yeah… And some of you are thinking: “Let’s get there before there’s a line.” Well, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m not even… ( Sputtering) No. People are having sex with animals and then we wonder why the animals attack us. I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause of that sick man and it’s up to me and a half-Mexican to stop them. (Laughter) I’m watching that animal attack show, right? It’s a bullfight in Spain, right? The bull… the bull, he’s, like, got the guy down, right? So then this other guy jumps in and the bull sees him and gets him down with his horns and rips off his pants and underwear just with his horns! Not with cocaine or promises of acting work or something. No. Just the horns that God gave him. Then get a load of this. It gets scarier, right? The guy gets up and he starts running and running with his penis flapping around in the air. He doesn’t even try and cover it ’cause he’s so afraid screaming, “help! Help!” I don’t know what that is in Spanish. “Help-o! Help-o!” — Whatever it is. This guy is afraid. ( Laughter, applause) ‘Cause that’s what fear looks like, I’m telling you– a man running around with his thing flapping around in the air. If you walk out of here tonight and you see a man running down the street with his thing flapping in the air run with that man… (Laughter) ‘Cause there is some scary stuff coming the other way. Thank you very much. You guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you. Cheering)