Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, gonna talk about a lot of stuff. My parents are gonna see it. They’re the ones in the other car. My mom hasn’t. Yeah. I want her to see what I do, you know? Yeah… but you know, if you gotta do that… You know, you can’t live in fear. You see I’m trying to make a turn, right? It doesn’t matter. But you see I’m making a turn. You gotta pull all the way up and fucking bother me. You could have just stopped back there. This asshole’s awesome. He sees I’m making a left, so he’s gonna pull up to make it hard for me. New York is the best.
(Cheers and applause)
Hey, guys. So cool. Thank you guys so much for coming, this is awesome. This is so great. How many of you guys know me from my show, “Community”?
(Cheers and applause)
Great. Just want to let you guys know, this is gonna be nothing like that. This is gonna be a lot grosser. I feel bad… I feel bad for a lot of people who come to the show, like, people bring their kids and stuff like that. Like, “Oh, he’s gonna do Troy and Abed!” And I’m just like, “D!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks!” And they’re» “Let’s go!” I mean, ’cause I did… I can be gross sometimes and I know it’s bad. I mean, ’cause I did a half-hour special for Comedy Central, and the way I got that half-hour special was I did an hour in New York. I did an hour on my own and Comedy Central was there, and they were like, “We really liked your hour.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, man, that was really great.” They were like, “We would love to give you a half-hour.” I was like, “Great, I would love to do a half-hour.” They’re like, “Great, but don’t do any of the shit “you did in that hour. It was disgusting, don’t do it.”
Did you guys hear about that Spider-Man thing that happened with me?
(Cheers and applause)
Okay, for those of you who have a life, basically what happened was there was… They were talking about on this geek blog, about making Spider-Man, you know, they’re redoing it. So they said that maybe this new Spider-Man, since they’re making it so quickly after making these other Spider-Mans, maybe they should make it real different, you know, make it kind of, like, dark and edgy like The Dark Knight, and put it in modern-day times and stuff, and maybe… You know, Spider-Man maybe doesn’t have to be white, maybe he can be black or Hispanic or something like that, and then somebody put a big picture of me in the comments and was like, “Donald Glover can play Spider-Man, he’s nerdy!” And I was like, okay. And somebody sent that to me so I was like, “Oh yeah, I’ll put that up.” So I put it up on my Twitter and I was like, Oh, Donald for Spider-Man, let’s do this. You know, kind of a joke, but also, like, who doesn’t want to be Spider-Man… That’d be cool. And that’s when the world went crazy. And half the world was like, “Donald for Spider-Man! “We’re only gonna watch the next Spider-Man if Donald Glover’s playing Peter Parker!” And the other half was like, “He’s black, kill him!” Like, it was so fast. It was so fast. It was insane, like, you were either very hot or cold on the subject, and I didn’t… I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything during that whole time, I just laid low, but I did read one comment that was like, “Oh, we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? “We’re just gonna make Spider-Man black now? “That’s what we’re gonna do, “we’re just gonna make Spider-Man black? “That’s what we’re gonna do, “we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? “Gonna make Spider-Man black?
Well, why don’t we just have Michael Cera play Shaft?” And I didn’t respond to any of the stuff I saw online, except for that one. I wrote back, “Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes!” That would be fucking amazing! Fucking Michael Cera playing Shaft. I’d watch that movie every day… I’d go broke. I’d go broke, just like, yes, one more for “Shaft,” please. Like, I’d be there every day. I mean, like, wouldn’t that be awesome, to be watching the movie, just be like, “Hey, Shaft, what’s going on, baby?” “Oh, nothing. Let’s find some hoes.” Like, that’d be so awesome! I’d watch that all the time. The thing that bothered me the most about that, the thing that really got under my skin, was that people kept bringing up Shaft. Like I care about Shaft. Like I must care… He’s black, he must love Shaft. Like I give a fuck about Shaft. Like, I’m like, oh no, don’t take our Shaft! Like, I don’t care, I don’t care about Shaft. Like, it’s just like… Like Shaft was the black Spider-Man or something like that. It’s just like, oh yeah, white people, you guys get this dude who swings from building to building and saves people, and black people, you get this dude who slaps women sometimes. Enjoy! Like, what? No, that’s not okay. He’s not even a superhero. He’s just a black guy. He’s just a black dude. You couldn’t… He’s not a superhero. You couldn’t have no Shaft ride at Universal Studios. You couldn’t have, like… Yeah, what we do is, we put you in the car and then we set up like, five women mannequins, and then you hold your hand out and you just slap ’em all. Just slap ’em all. $5, please. That’s ridiculous. That really bothered me. Like, no one… Like, Shaft… I don’t give a fuck about Shaft. I don’t care about Shaft. The fact that they kept assuming that… Like I woke up every morning, like, in my Shaft pajamas, jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs, drank a cup of Shaft juice, turned on the Shaft television… I just realized “Shaft juice” sounds like semen. Don’t wanna drink that. That’d be gross. I just like…
I was just doing some stuff with, like, music, and I just put out that EP, and I was like…
(Cheers and applause)
Thank you. And I was listening to it in my car, I picked up… Like, it was in the mixing, and I was like, oh, I want to see how it sounds in the car and I picked up a friend of mine, she got in. And she was like, “Is this you?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And she goes, “You listen to your own music?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah, I listen to my own music.” Like, being a… being an entertainer… Being an entertainer is the only job where you can enjoy your own stuff. Did you know that? It’s the only job where you can enjoy your own shit. Like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like if I worked at Subway or something, I make sandwiches for a living, and then I go home and I make myself a sandwich, nobody in here is gonna be like, getting a little conceited, aren’t we? Like, no one cares, no one cares. It’s also the only job where you have to keep proving you can do it. Like, you can… You have to keep like… Like, if you work at Staples, you don’t have to be like, “Oh yeah, I know how to move paper from here to here.” Like, you don’t have to do that every time you go in. As an actor, I have to prove I know how to act every time I have to audition and prove I know how to act like I’m just gonna forget how to act one day. Like, I just won’t know. Like, I’ll come back from summer break, go to “Community,” and they’re gonna be like, “Okay, and action!” And I’ll just be like… “What are you doing?” “I don’t know! Is this acting? Help, help!”
It’s ridiculous. But like, I was talking about music. I like music a ton, but the problem is, is like, I like weird stuff. I like weird, crazy music, like, weird people making music, and we really don’t have that anymore. Like, you know, we got Lady Gaga and stuff like that, but that’s… I don’t think that’s really weird. I feel like that’s planned, like, I don’t… We need weird stuff. But as an adult, we’re not really allowed to be weird anymore. Like, the older you get, the less you can take weird stuff. That’s the truth. Like, you can’t take weird stuff anymore. Like, as a kid, the idea of Santa Claus is really weird and fucked up. It really is, but you’re… Like for some… Just like, “Hey, there’s this fat guy “that comes in your house, eats all your food, “and he leaves little gifts for you and while your parents are sleeping, he runs up the chimney.” You’re like, “He gives me gifts… cool.” You’re just fine with it. You’re fine with that guy being in your house. As an adult, somebody’s like, “Hey man, ‘Glee’ comes on at 9:00 instead of 8:00 tonight.” You’re like, “Fuck you, really? “Why’d they change it? Why’d they change it?” Can’t take any change whatsoever.
But that’s basically what it is, is like, you know, I’m 27, like, I’m about to become who I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. Like, basically, once you hit around your 30s, that’s who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life pretty much. Like, if you’re conservative and you’re around your 30s, you’re probably gonna be conservative for the rest of your life. If you’re like, liberal, and you’re like, in your 30s, you’re probably gonna be liberal for the rest of your life. You know, if you’re a girl and you don’t give blowjobs, curl up to your nine cats and your “Twilight” DVDs, ’cause you’re gonna die alone. You’re gonna die alone. Sorry. I love that joke because guys are always like, “Well put, Mr. Glover.” But it’s true, like you can’t take any… Like, as you get older, you can’t take any weird stuff, that’s just the truth. Like I know… That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour. I was super stoked about that. That was gonna be so awesome and weird, it’s gonna be so crazy. I was having dreams about it, that’s how much I was excited about it. I was having dreams about it. I was like, there’s gonna be, like, two big pillars on stage, like, one big pillar here, like, Lady Gaga’s there and her hair’s, like, blowing in the wind and she’s playing the bass, like this, going… like a huge bass, but the bass isn’t a bass, it’s just a huge tampon, she’s playing a huge… She’s just plucking at a huge tampon. And at the end of it is Tony Danza’s face. He’s just like… He’s just going, like, crazy on there. And then, like, there’s another one, there’s like, another huge pillar, and then, like, Kanye West is on it, he’s playing a piano, but the piano’s not a piano, it’s just a bear, it’s a live bear. For some reason, he’s playing… And the bear’s not eating Kanye ’cause he has so much respect for him, he’s just, like, looking at him. He’s just like, “Oh, I want to eat you, “but you made ‘Graduation! You motherfucker!” He’s like, mad. And then, like, in the audience, there’s like, a big, clear beach ball that everybody’s pushing and kicking around, and in the center of the big clear beach ball’s just this one lone baby, just like, one lone, naked baby, and he’s not crying or anything, he’s just confused and shit. He’s like, why did my parents put me in here? I’m… I thought they loved me! And I was like, yes, that’s worth $50. I wanna see that. And they canceled it. They got rid of it. They were like, it’s too weird, it’s gay, I don’t get it, get rid of it. That hit home for someone. “It’s funny ’cause it’s true!” Well, they got rid of it. They canceled it, and that’s ridiculous. That’s crazy. Only adults would do that. Like, as a kid, we watched the weirdest stuff and nobody cared. Nobody… You guys remember “Muppet Babies”? (Cheers and applause) Let me refresh your memory what “Muppet Babies” is about. “Muppet Babies” is a show about a lady with no face who takes care of a frog, a pig, a dog that plays the piano, and an alien named Gonzo that fucks chickens. And adults were like, “Yeah, watch it, I don’t give a fuck. I got things to do, I gotta go.” No one cared.
You guys remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sounds like a homeless person’s fever dream. If you… If you were walking down the street and you saw a homeless person and they were like, “They’re all named after Renaissance artists and their father’s a big rat,” you’d be like, “Get the fuck away from me, man!”
I’m kind of obsessed with homeless people. I really am. Because, I don’t know, we have a long history together. We do, we have a long history together. Like, when I first moved here, when I first moved here from Atlanta, like, the only thing I knew how to do to make money was to babysit, ’cause my parents, like, they ran a day care, we had a lot of foster kids, so the only thing I really knew how to do was take care of kids. So I had this job, I was supposed to pick up this kid and I was running late and I was leaving a message on the phone, and I was like, you know, talking, and I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. And a homeless man… punched me in the face. And I think he was like, schizophrenic or something, ’cause he was like, “Stop following me!” And I was just like… Just ran away. So anyway, I go and pick up the kid, I pick him up, bring him home, make him dinner. His mom comes home, she’s like, “Hey.” She goes in the back room, she comes back out and she goes, “Hey, are you okay?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m fine, I kind of forgot…” She’s like, “Are you sure?” And I’m like, “Yeah, what’s wrong?” And she plays me the voice message I left. And I didn’t keep it, but I remember it very well, and it went a little something… It went like this. Boop. “Hey, it’s Donald, I just wanted to let you know that “I’m running a little bit late picking up Ben, but I just wanted to let you know…” (screaming) “What’d you do? “What’d you do? I gotta hide!” (panting) “I’ll hide in this tree! “Get away! “Get away! Leave me alone!” (sobbing) “I want to die, I want to die.” That’s pretty much how it sounded. So-
(cheers and applause)
So I’ve had a lot of run-ins with, you know, like, homeless people and stuff like that. And you know, I lived in Downtown LA, and Downtown LA is kind of like the ’80s decided to stay there. They’re like, oh, yeah, you guys go ahead and be the ’90s, go enjoy Ace of Base. We’ll be here, practicing the Moonwalk and selling crack. Like, that’s everything in Downtown LA. And I… You know, I’m hanging out in Downtown LA and I would always have… You know, I would have, like, parties or something or watch movies and stuff like that and I’d have girls over and I’d always had to walk them back to their car. Like, they ask me, like, can you walk me back? And I’m like, sure. And around the seventh time, I was like, wow, every girl who comes over asks me to walk them back to their car, like, no matter what time. And like, I realized, I was like, Oh, they’re afraid they’re gonna get attacked or raped or something, and I was like, oh, my God, like, that’s ridiculous. Like, as a grown man, I never think of that, like, that’s never in my head. Like, oh, will I get… Like, rape isn’t right around the corner for me like it is for women, which is so messed up. Like if someone… Like, I’m an adult male, I’m a grown man. Like, if someone was gonna rape me, like, someone’s gonna attack me and rape me, like, they had to be, like… Like, real tricky about it, you know? Like, real tricky. Like, I’d be, like, going in the movie theater, I got my popcorn, you know. About to go see, like, a movie with a bunch of explosions in it. Just like, “Hey, what’s going on? “Sorry, man, sorry. “Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just trying to get through. “It’s The Expendables. “Sorry, excuse me, trying… “Sorry, all right. Ah!” And then I see, like… Then I see, like, a man dressed like a chair running away. Goddammit! “What up, man?” “Nothing… I got raped again, man.” “Can you believe this? No, I don’t want to watch Expendables anymore.”
I was hanging out in my neighborhood and this girl was jogging and we started talking about a rape that had happened in the neighborhood, and we were talking about… “Oh, this is awful, this is so messed up. I can’t believe this happened so close to us.” And she goes, “Yeah, well, “if anybody ever tries to rape me, I’m just gonna shit on ’em.” “Yes, I will. I have no problem.” Uh… Two things, lady. Number one, he’s a rapist. So his tolerance for gross stuff is probably pretty high. It’s probably pretty high. Number two… you can shit on command? Like, you can just… You can just poop whenever you want to? Just be like… Hyah! He’s like, “Oh God, no!” Like… You can poop whenever you want? Like, you got… You’re a national treasure. Like, you can… You got more superpowers than Shaft if you can poop whenever you want. That’s amazing, okay? No, I can’t poop whenever I want. Somebody can run down… down the stage right now and pull out a gun and be like, “Shit yourself! Poop yourself right now!” I’d be like, “Blow my head off.” I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I’m not… Me and my butt are, like, always on the third date, I feel like. I feel like, me, I’m always like, come on, let’s… hurry up, let’s do this. And my butt’s always like, stop rushing me, when the time is right. I’m not in love yet. That was me in a domestic dispute with my… with my butt.
But with all this, like, crazy stuff going on, with like, you know, rapes and, like, earthquakes and all this… I know, I put, like, rapes and earthquakes in the same category. Like if my sister was like, “I got raped yesterday,” I’d be like, “Did you hear about that earthquake? “It was like a 4.5. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough.” They’re not the same thing. But with all this crazy stuff going on, people feel like it’s the end of the world. Like, people just… People talk about… Like, people say this is the worst time. I was talking to my dad the other day and he was like, “Oh man, things are so bad, man. “Things are so bad out here, I’m sorry, I just like… “It feels like this is the worst time to be alive, man. “This is the worst time to be alive. “I’m sorry, son. It’s the worst time to be alive.” And that’s bullshit. That’s crap, that is total crap. This is the best time to be alive ever. This is the best time there has ever been to be human and alive. That’s the truth. (Cheers and applause) It’s the absolute truth. Do you realize, like, just a couple hundred years ago, just a couple hundred years ago, people could come into your village, your community, whatever you want to call it, people could come in there, just a bunch of them, kill you, rape your wife, sell your kids into slavery and people would be like, “Well, what’d you expect?” “It’s nighttime.” “My hands were tied, the sun went down.”
You couldn’t get away with that stuff now. Somebody would Twitter that shit, it would be everywhere. Be like, “Someone killed my mom “and sold me and my brother to Greece. W-T-F?” It would be everywhere. People say the same stuff about rap music. People are just like, “Oh, rap music now, oh, it sucks so bad. “Rap music now sucks. “Now, back in the day, that was the good rap music. “That was where the good rap music was at. “I’m gonna walk around with my… Yeah, that’s the good rap music.” No, it’s not. Have you ever listened to rap back in the day? It’s always some dude being like: Well I went to the hat store today And I bought myself a hat Ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s like, “N*gga… N*gga, I don’t want to hear your hat stories.” So lame. You know, I think people don’t like rap nowadays ’cause they say it has, like a bad influence on kids, they have, like, a bad influence on kids. And I grew up with a bunch of kids, like, my mom ran a day care and we had foster kids and we had adopted kids. I know kids pretty well and I’ve got to be honest, kids are pretty fucked up anyway. They’re awful people. They’re tiny, tiny little Hitlers, all of them. They’re all awful. No, seriously. The thing that makes everybody in here a good person is empathy and sympathy. When you learn, like, “Oh, I’m not gonna punch that person, ’cause if he punched me, I wouldn’t like that, so yeah.” When you learn that, that’s what makes you a good person. Kids don’t have that yet, so they’re awful, awful people. They’re terrible people, they don’t have it yet, that’s the honest-to-God… You ever see those kids in the supermarket? They’re just walking around, they’re just like… Just screaming and their mom’s like, “Zachary, Zachary, I mean it, Zachary. “Zachary, Zach… Zachary, remember? “Remember, Zachary? “Remember the… ‘dolphin.’ “Remember, ‘dolphin’? “Remember we made the secret word “that means you need to behave? “‘Dolphin’ is the word, I just said it, “so you need to behave, you understand? “You understand, huh? Okay-r. Like the kid’s gonna be like, “Oh, you’re right, we did agree upon that.” “I’m gonna stop pissing in this Nutella jar and really… really start behaving.” He’s three years old, he doesn’t know. He… He can’t even talk. He can’t even talk, he doesn’t speak English yet. If… That’s the thing, when they’re going, like… And they’re screaming and they’re spitting and they’re screaming at their mom, they’re not saying anything. That’s because they don’t know words yet. If they could talk, they’d be cursing their mom out. They would. They’d be like, “Oh yeah, Mom, I’m just gonna… “Yeah, I’m just gonna eat this cookie for dinner. “Yeah, I’m just gonna eat this cookie for dinner, “it’s not a big deal, I’m just gonna eat this… “What are you doing? What are you doing? “Oh, you fucking bitch! “You knew I wanted that cookie for dinner “and you put it somewhere I couldn’t reach it. “You’re dead, you’re fucking dead. “I’m gonna tell Dad “and he’s gonna beat the living shit out of you. “Dad, Dad? “This cunt that you married “put a cookie somewhere I couldn’t reach it. “Fucking kill her. I’ll wait.” That’s what’s in a kid’s head. Kids are awful. Kids are awful people… You want to… You want to know a testament to how awful kids are, how terrible kids are? Um, I was walking down the street in LA, just walking down the street from a restaurant, from one of my favorite restaurants, and I had, like, a bag full of food, and it’s right across the street from a school. And I saw two kids fighting over a basketball. They’re like… Fighting over it, I’m just walking by. And one of ’em just goes, and just pulls it. And the other one goes, “That’s why your mom’s in a fucking wheelchair!” And I dropped my shit, I was like, Wha… Wha… What? You can say that? You can say those words in that order and you don’t explode? Like, the people police don’t come down from the sky, like, “Oh, I’m sorry, this person’s a demon. “I didn’t even know… I don’t know how… I don’t know how he got out.”
That’s the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room could get away with that. If you went to work tomorrow and it was like, “Hey man, Dave is being a real jerk today.” “Yeah, I know, what’s going on?” “I don’t know, but that’s why his mom’s “in a fucking wheelchair. “All right, I’ll see you later, I’ll see you later. Basketball later?” “No, no basketball later. I’m not playing with a monster.” Tiny Hitlers. All awful. Seriously, that’s why I wear condoms. I’m not having a baby. I’m not ready to have a baby. And I know a lot of people are just like, “I wear condoms ’cause I don’t want to get AIDS.” But I gotta be honest, I’m sorry, I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby. Sorry, AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously. People get all upset when they hear that. Think about it, they’re not that different, you guys. They’re not that different at all. They’re both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made, and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference? What’s the difference? The only difference is, you can’t go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS wins by this much. I’m serious, I mean, like, people… At least people, “when you have AIDS, people are, like, aware of it and people want to help you. People feel sorry for you. Like, people want to help you out and make other people aware of that when you have AIDS. People don’t give a shit when you have kids. No one’s just like, “Yeah, man, I’m living with kids.” “Been kids-positive for about five years now. “I lost a lot of my friends in the ’80s to kids. “We’re doing a kids walk tomorrow and just… “I’m sorry, one of my kids coughed in my face, I have to leave,” like, no… No one cares. And it’s weird…
Like, I remember, here’s… I was babysitting this kid once, this mean kid, and I remember the first time I saw him, I opened the door and there were tears streaming down his face, tears streaming down his face, but he wasn’t crying. He wasn’t crying. Just tears, he was giving me this mean mug, he was like… I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? What’s going on with this kid? I found out later that his parents were very organic and they wouldn’t let him have any sugar, they wouldn’t let him have any candy. He would… The sweetest thing he was allowed was mints. He was just allowed to have mints. So he would steal mints by the handful. So his breath was so fresh… the vapors from his own mouth made his eyes water. Like, he’d be like, “Hello!” And then like… Just, they would just bleed… It was crazy. I would take him to the park, right? Washington Square Park, and all the babysitters in New York for some reason are Trinidadian. They’re all Trinidadian babysitters. And I would take him to the park and I was the only boy there, you know, I was hanging out. You know, they were cool. You know, we’d trade jerk- chicken recipes and stuff. And he… he was just a mean-spirited kid, like, he kind Of… Like, he watched HBO just a little too early and was just kind of a mean kid in general, so he would just come through and just…
He wanted to get to his slide, so he just pushed over this little girl, she fell over, and her Trinidadian babysitter comes over and goes, “Hey! You leave that little girl alone.” And he goes, “Shut up.” And she goes, “Don’t you talk to me like that, I am a grown-up, you will respect me.” And he goes, “Suck my d!ck!” And the lady goes… I shit you not… The lady goes, “Someone betta get this little niglet away from me.” And I fell out because I have never heard the word “niglet” before! I never heard… My brain started… I was like, niglet, I haven’t heard that one! It was, like, insane. Like, the first thing that came to my head was, like, the name of a band or something, like, everybody give it up for Bobby Johnson and the Niglets! And like, three little kids in like, slim-fit suits come out. They sing, like, exclusively Hall & Oates songs. I was like, “niglet!” I was taking him home while it’s still in my head. I was like, niglet, like, is that like the black version of Piglet, like, Niglet? One of ’em’s just like, “Hey, I’m Niglet!” And like, Pooh’s at the door, he’s like, “Oh, come on, man, it’s 3:00 in the morning, you smell like malt liquor.” “Shut up, I’m Niglet!” Like… And like, I couldn’t… I couldn’t even get mad at the slur because there’s just something about racism that’s funny… when it’s tiny, you know? When it’s tiny, it’s just hilarious for some reason. Like, if a tiny Klansman ran onstage right now and was like, “Get off stage, you n*gger!” I’d be like, “Look at the little guy!” Pick him up, tickle him. “I’m gonna burn a cross on your lawn,” like, “Shut up, you little motherfucker. Get out of here!” “Aw, I mean it!” That’d be hilarious. It’d be like a messed-up Webster. We’d like, share a split-level house. He’s going up the stairs with his tiny cross. And he’s like, “Hey, Donald.” “Yeah?” “I hate you.” “I hate you too, tiny Klansman. I hate you too.”
It’s funny how, like, the N-word still comes up in weird places. It does, like, it’s strange ’cause, like, it doesn’t really affect me like I’m sure it does like it used to. Like, I don’t really think about it, it doesn’t really come up and like, I don’t really care about that shit, but it still comes up in weird places. Like, I like… Like, I write raps, so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone, so I was like, writing, you know, the N-word in my iPhone, N-I-G-G-A, I was writing the N-word. And my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘niggardly’?” And I was like, “No, iPhone. “I meant ‘n*gga.’ Write it.” But then, like, two weeks later, I was writing “jigga,” which is the shortened form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A, and my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘n*gga’?” And I went, “Whoa, iPhone!” “You do not get to say that.” I like to… I like… You know. I’ve said this in my raps before. I like to date the black girls of every culture, you know. Like Filipinos. They’re like the black girls of Asians. Armenians, who’s like the black girls of white girls. And I was dating this Armenian and… Someone’s racist. Armenians! Oh, God, but seriously, who were you dating? I was… No, I was dating this Armenian girl and we were making sex. I was having sex with her. I know, I wish I could start every sentence that way. Just like, “I was having sex with this girl, and enjoy ‘Black Swan. “Oh, I liked that. I liked the part where he said he was having sex.” But I was having sex with her and we were towards… towards the end, and she goes, “Fuck me harder with that N-word d!ck.” And I stop, look at her right in the eye… and I came harder than I’ve ever come… before. It was so awesome, you guys, it was so great. Like, I was like, wha? Like, I couldn’t believe it. Like, it was almost worth being black my entire life. It was so great. It was so great, I actually felt bad for white dudes, I felt bad. I was like, you guys’ll never have that! You’ll never have that… what do you guys have? “Cracker d!ck”? That’s not… That’s not sexy at all. That sounds like a virus you pick up on a cruise ship. Like, yeah, you’ve got cracker d!ck.
Yeah, just hold it together, I don’t know. People always want to know who can say the N-word and who can’t say the N-word. You know, like people always… You know, I’ve got a lot of white friends. And they’re all just kind of like, “Oh man, I wish I could say that stuff. “It sounds so cool when you say it in rap songs. Like, I want to say that, it sounds cool.” And I’m just like, oh, it doesn’t really, like, do anything… it’s not that great, you know? Like, it still comes up in weird places, like… You know, like that niglet joke? I told that joke in Alaska, and Alaska, for some reason, has a large deaf population. So they hired a woman to do sign language with me for that joke, and she comes up to me and she goes, “I’m sorry, but are there any terms or phrases in your act “that don’t exist in sign language that I have to make up on the spot?” And I was like… “Yeah. Niglet?” And she goes, “Oh.” There’s already a term for “niglet” in sign language! They already have it! Deaf people have been saying “niglet” for years! For years! A n*gga that is tiny, that’s what that means! Was it… Why is this “n*gga”? Why is this… This is… I feel like it should be… Or… Way, way before this. I’ve done this walking down the street. Like, when my nose itches, I’ve done that and I feel like deaf people were looking at me like, “That motherfucker’s racist.” “That guy hates his own people.” But like I was saying, people always want to know who can say it and who can’t and it doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help anyone. Like, it doesn’t… Like, being black and being able to say, like, the N-word doesn’t help at all, like, no one’s ever… I’m not gonna get a job off of it or anything like that. It’s like, “This dude is extremely qualified for this job… “but this guy can say n*gger whenever he wants. Which one do we choose?” Like, no one cares.
But there is one person in the entire world I know for a fact who can say the N-word, who isn’t a minority. There’s one person, there’s one dude. There’s one dude in the entire world who can say the N-word and he’s not a minority, he’s not black. And that one person in the entire world who can say the N-word is… Charlie Sheen. “Why does Charlie Sheen get to say the N-word, Donald?” I will tell you, audience. The reason Charlie Sheen gets to say the N-word is because Charlie Sheen, before all this crazy stuff happened two years ago, got in a fight on the phone with his ex-wife, Denise Richards, and just straight up called her a n*gger. Just called her… Just called her the N-word, like literally. He was like, “Listen here, you n*gger!” Like, really, really gave it to her, and I’m sorry, give that man the NAACP Award. That is… Seriously, that is amazing, think about it. A white dude called a white woman a n*gger. Straight up, he didn’t say, like, “I hope you get raped by…” Or something like that. You know, he didn’t Mel Gibson it, like, he just… totally just called her… I’m sorry, and that’s amazing, that really is an amazing thing, like, think about it.
Like, see, black people use the N-word for everything. We use it for everything, like, mother, brother, sister, like, love, hate, we use it for everything. I called a seat belt a n*gger earlier today. I called a seat belt the N-word. I was putting on the seat belt and I was like… “N*gga, if you don’t…” I called it… it just needs a little flavor, so I gave it the N-word. You never… Like, we use it for everything. You never see any other minority… You never see white people just using it, you never see that… Just using it for everything. Like, you’ll never go in Ikea and see, like, two white undergraduates from NYU just holding… just holding up, some, like rugs and being like, “What do you think of this rug, Denise?” “I hate green.” “Oh, stop being a n*gger, what do you think?” You’ll never see that. You’ll never see that, and that’s the problem, it has to become a bad word for everybody. I hate it when black leaders are just like, oh, we’re getting rid of it, everybody’s got to stop saying it. No one… Like, rappers will still say it because you told them not to. That’s what makes them badasses. Like, you got… Everybody’s got to start saying it. Everyone, like white people. Like, you guys have got to start saying the N-word. You guys gotta start saying it. We will lose some of you in the process. Not all of you will make it home. But you’ll be dying for a good cause, it’ll be great. I saw a lot of white people here just like, “No, I would never… Uh-uh. “Not me, I won’t be doing that. I will never… I would never do that.”
And let’s be honest. White people have been getting pretty bold with the N-word lately anyway. Like, seriously, I was at a Kanye West concert. I was at a Kanye concert the other day, right? I was at a Kanye concert and he was doing “All the Lights,” and you know how “All the Lights” starts. He does like three… three parts of a verse and then he gets to the end, and then he holds the mic out for the N-word part and everyone was like, “N*gger- Like, everyone, everyone. And I was in… I wasn’t in Detroit, I wasn’t in South Africa, I was in Texas, where they make white people. I was surrounded by white people and I was like, what the hell just happened? And they all looked at me like, what you gonna do? It’s a Kanye concert, we outnumber you. I was like, okay. I’m, like… I just got out of a relationship that was, like, pretty, like… Pretty hard. Like, I mean… ‘Cause I was, like… Really, like, fell for this girl. And the thing is, like, well, I learned a lot, which is always good. Like, you want to learn from stuff like that and like, one thing I did learn… I guess the biggest thing I learned was, like, if… If a conversation starts with, “What did you mean by that?”, it is not gonna end with, “Oh, now I know what you mean by that.” “Let’s go to Game-Stop.” Never happens.
The thing is, is like dudes are pretty… Like, we’re pretty simple. We’re dumb, but we’re simple. Like we’re very simple. Like every dude pretty much is like, oh, I woke up, now I want to eat, did I eat? Now I want to fuck, did I fuck? Time to sleep again. That’s pretty much all… That’s all dudes. Girls, they’re, like, individuals. Like, all of them very individual, very different, and sometimes they will want two opposing things at the same time, like two opposing things, which is crazy to me, like that’s insane. Here’s a perfect example, is Destiny’s Child. You guys remember Destiny’s Child? Destiny’s Child? Yeah, Destiny’s Child. Women love Destiny’s Child. And remember what their first big hit? Their first big hit? “Bills, Bills, Bills.” Remember that? “Bills, Bills, Bills”? Every girl in here is like, “Yes, I do, I remember that. Totally do,” because it was just like… Everybody was just like, can you be… can you be responsible? That was that whole song. Can you be responsible? Can you pay my bills? Can you be a man who provides for me? Can you be… can you be there? Are you responsible? Can you be there? And then we were like, yeah, sure, yeah. Dude, we can do that, we can totally do that. Not even a year later, they come out with another song called “Soldier,” all about dudes who smoke weed in the middle of the street and shit, with two pit bulls working out. It was like, hey, Destiny’s Child, make up your fucking mind, okay? The dude working out in the middle of the street is not the dude paying your bills. I’ve never… I’ve never been… I’ve never seen a 245-pound, buff, like ripped dude wearing no shirt wearing a bandana and sunglasses, holding a briefcase at the bus stop, like, “I’m gonna be late for my data-input job at Google.” ‘Cause it doesn’t exist. You can’t have a thug and a working man. They’re not the same. You can’t have it, like, that’s…
I hate this “Sex & the City” guy that every girl is looking for where it’s just like, “Oh, he makes chairs, but he also fixes babies.” That doesn’t exist. That dude doesn’t exist, okay? Being a girl and wanting that type of dude is kind of like being a dude and being like, “You know, I want a girl who will willingly do butt stuff. But I also want a girl who wasn’t molested.” Doesn’t exist. Doesn’t exist. No girl wants a penis in the butt. Sorry, guys- No girl wants a penis in the butt. Penises are gross. That’s why we talk about them all the time and hold ’em and stuff, ’cause we know they’re gross. We’re trying to talk ’em up like a used-car salesman. We’re trying to make ’em sound cool. It’s kind of like your friend who bought a Zune when everybody else bought an iPod. He keeps talking about how awesome it is. He’s just like, oh, mine has bigger battery power and it picks up the radio. It’s like, “it’s still a Zune, n*gga… nobody wants it. Put it away.” “Obama has it!” “Get out of here.”
I’m sorry I’m being so crazy. It’s weird. I mean, like, I grew up with, a bunch of, like, kids, and that’s basically how I learned all about, like, insane stuff, like all the crazy stuff we used to do, was like, that’s how we did it, and you know, I want to make people happy. And it’s hard to find that balance sometimes, because like, I know I’m gross. People laugh, but some people think it’s kind of gross, too. But I always try to make people happy. Like, when I was a kid, like, we had a bunch of kids come and we had my cousins coming over once, all… like eight cousins. They’re all coming and I wanted to do something, like, special for them, I wanted to do something really cool, so I used my allowance money, which took me a long time to get. I had like… I get like a dollar or two dollars, like, a week, so I saved $20 and I went to the store and I bought all the stuff to make s’mores. And I was like, oh, I’m gonna make s’mores with my cousins, it’s gonna be great. I was like, this is my money, I can do whatever I want with it. I’m an independent woman. So, like, I buy all that stuff and then, I like, take it home and all my cousins are there and I’m, like, handing out the stuff. But I bought two for me. Like, I was like, it’s my money, you know, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two for me, I’m the oldest, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two s’mores for me, everybody else can get one. It was just like, okay, cool. I hand out the s’more stuff, we’re all getting crazy and stuff, we’re really excited, and one of my cousins just looks at it, looks at me, and then he just goes… (squishing sound) It’s not warmed up or anything, he just took all the ingredients and crushed them in his hand. He was just like… Just looking at it. All my other cousins were like, what the fuck is his problem? What is going on with him? He’s a weirdo. And he’s just like… whatever, so we make our s’mores, they’re really good, we’re making all our s’mores on the stove and we’re just, like, oh, this is so good, mm, mm, mm. And he’s just like… “I broke it, my s’more, I want a s’more.” And like, I was, like, “You messed up, “I’m sorry, dude, I don’t know what to do. You… I saw you do it.” And my mom was like, “Donald, give him the s’more.” And I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Just give him the extra s’more. He’s crying, give him the extra s’more.” And I was like, “No! No, no, he can’t have it, this is mine.” Just like, “Donald, don’t be selfish, give him the s’more.” I’m like, “No!” I was, like, crying. I was like, “No, please! This is my s’more, I did it with my own money!” She’s like, “Donald, you’re being selfish, this is your cousin, be nice to him, give him the s’more.” And I’m like… And I give him the s’more and he’s like… So, you know, I’ve been getting a little more famous lately. You know, I’m on TV and stuff like that, so a lot of relatives have been reaching out to me and stuff like that. So this cousin… I find him on Face… He contacts me on Facebook and he’s like, “Hey, man, what’s going on?” I’m like, “Oh, hey, how’s it going?” It’s like, oh, we catch up, we’re going back and forth. Like, “Oh, man, it’s so great.” “Oh cool, how you doing? I saw you on TV.” I’m like, “Oh, thanks, man, that’s really cool.” He’s like, “Man, you’re doing big things, that’s awesome, man, like, great.” “Thanks, man,” he’s like, “Yeah.” I’m like. “How are you?“ He’s like, “Yeah, man, I… “I got this girl pregnant, man. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” And the first thing that came to my head was… good. I’m glad. I’m glad you’re in a dilemma. ‘Cause you ate my s’more. I hope he comes out and he’s a giant s’more and you crush him in your hand, because that’s what you do to awesome stuff. That’s how fucked up I am. This guy’s having a serious dilemma, like a serious thing. This will… It’s gonna change his life forever either way and I’m like, good! That $2 s’more. Yes, success, revenge! So ridiculous. I like… ‘Cause, like… You know… ‘Cause that stuff is important to you when you’re a kid. That stuff is really important. Like, that was like the world to me as a kid. Like, we like… ‘Cause kids love sugar. Like, my brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. And I remember, like, we weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid, we weren’t. We just weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals. And, like, my mom would, like, get us… Like the two cereals we were allowed to have was Cheerios and Kix, and Cheerios is like cardboard doo-doo, and Kix is kind of like the handjob of cereals. It’s like, a little sweet, it’s like… It’s the handjob of cereals, ’cause it’s like, this is pretty good, but… you know what I really want. So, like, we would always go to the store and my mom… And my brother would be like, “Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs? “I really want Cocoa Puffs! Can we get Cocoa Puffs? I want Cocoa Puffs!” And my mom would be like, “No, no, no, no, no,” like, “No, we’re not getting Cocoa Puffs, no sugar, no, no, no, no.” And then one day my brother just snapped. He just snapped. He was just like, “Mom, everyone’s eating it!” My mom goes… grabs it and goes, “Fine.” Throws it in the cart and just walks away and me and my brother go, what? It was that easy? So we go home, we go home and we’re like skipping around, we’re like, yes, yes, yes! We’re gonna get Cocoa Puffs, this is gonna be so awesome! Yes, yes, yes, yes! I can’t wait. Oh, this is gonna be so great, we get to tell everybody at school we had Cocoa Puffs! And she… My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet and does the most devious thing I’ve ever seen anyone ever do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal, like, one of those big things that you pour and stuff, opens it up, takes a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs, like, just the top, like 1/4th of the Cocoa Puffs, pours it in there, like… Then takes a big ‘ol box of Kix, pours like the whole thing on top of it, shakes it up. So like, the ratio is like, 13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff, like, it was like one spot of brown… It looked like a Kanye concert. That’s what it looked like. It looked like a Kanye concert. She takes the box and slides it across the table and was like, “There you go.” And my brother’s just like… (crying) And continues to pour himself a bowl! You bitch! How could you ruin this? Like, crying. But he still ate it! That’s how much kids love sugar, that’s how much my brother loves sugar. He was an addict. He could have been like, fuck this, I don’t need this, whatever… He was like, “No, no, I still want it! I still want it!” It’s just like, if you love pizza and then a dude’s like, “Hey, you like pizza?” “There you go!” You’re not gonna be like, “Oh, you asshole! You asshole!” Don’t eat the pizza! Don’t eat it! There’s not people lined up around the block, just like a Domino’s, like, “Oh, come on, baby. I used to be a lawyer.” Don’t eat it. Like I said, like, I grew up with a lot of foster parents… foster kids and stuff like that. Like, I mean, like, my parents were my parents, I never had foster parents, but like, we had a lot of kids going through there. And that’s how I learned about all the stuff in the world, like sex and all that crazy stuff, ’cause they would talk about this crazy stuff. I’d be like, what? Like, I was so, like, sheltered. Like, my parents did a good job about that. Like, they did, like… And it would be weird, because I remember we would have kids coming in. And Dimarco’s like my little brother, and he’s adopted, but we had him since he was little, so he’s like, my real brother, for all intents and purposes, like, he was there since he was a baby. So, like, I would mess with him like he was my little brother, like, I’d be on the top bunk and he’d be on the bottom bunk, I’d be on the top and be like, “Hey, Dimarco.” He’d be like, “What?” I’d be like, “When you fall asleep, I’m gonna piss in your mouth.” “stop!” And my dad would be like, “Quiet down in there! I’m trying to masturbate in the den!” You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in the system. You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in… like, in house after house, like, because they’ve been in the system too long. They’re too rough. Like, I tried to pull this stuff on this kid named, like, Teddy. I tried to pull it. You know, I was, like, on the top bunk and I was like, “Hey, Teddy.” And he was like, “What?” And I was like, “When you fall asleep…” “… I’m gonna pee in your mouth.” And he was like, “You piss in my mouth, I’m gonna bite your d!ck off.” And I was like, “Good night!” Like, terrified. Like, every Saturday morning, we would come down and we would, like, rule the whole house, ’cause there was, like, a bunch of us, not including my cousins that would come over sometimes, and some kids my mom would babysit. So there’s like a bunch of us, there’s eight of us just jumping around, banging around the walls, just like going crazy and my mom would be like, “Get these kids out of here, they’re driving me nuts.” And my… Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go on a Saturday morning more than anywhere else, where do you want to go? Where? Where? Park. Park, I heard park. Chuck E. Cheese makes me really sad. Someone had a stepdad. “Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever. I’m gonna go call your new mom.” Oh, “new mom” hit a sore spot for a lot of people. No, but it was like… Yeah, you go to Toys R’ Us, guys. Toys R’ Us. That’s where you want to go. Toys R’ Us was the illest place on Earth. It was so dope. Like, Toys R’ Us was so dope, you didn’t even need to go home with anything. That was how awesome it was. Sometimes you just want to hang out there, just look at all the new stuff, get on bikes, like, ride ’em in the aisles. And somebody’d be like, “Hey, get off that, you can’t do that!” And you’d be like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And as soon as they turn the corner, you’d be like… “Ahh, fuck you!” Just run around, be awesome. But like, we would always ask to go to Toys R’ Us. We’d go, like, “Dad, Dad, can we go to Toys R’ Us? We really want to go to Toys R’ Us.” My dad would be like, “You guys want to go to Toys R’ Us?” We’d be like, “Yeah, we really want to! Let’s go to Toys R’ Us!” He’d be like, “Well, get in the van. We’re like, “Yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us! We’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys R’ Us.” Toys R’ Us dance. We get in the van, we’re like all happy and stuff, like, yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys… We’re going to Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! And we never went to Toys R’ Us. We never went to Toys R’ Us. We always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids, fucking Home Depot. Fucking worst… Worst place on Earth. Fucking hate Home Depot. I hate it. It’s the worst place, ’cause that’s where your childhood goes to die, it really is. It’s where your childhood goes to die. The second… The one day you walk into a Home Depot and you’re like, “Oh, knobs,” you’re dead. You’re dead inside. ‘Cause all of us have had that moment when we’re at Home Depot and was like, “Oh, that’s a cute little mailbox.” Bury your dreams ’cause you’re not a kid anymore. You’re dead. And we would always go in there and it’s the worst place as a kid, it’s the worst place ever, because you want to touch stuff, you want to hang out, and then, just a bunch of quiet adults looking around like, “Oh, don’t touch that, that’s sharp. Hmm, I can make my house a mansion.” No, you can’t. You can’t make your house a mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s. Like, it’s not gonna do anything. So it was me, my brother and this new kid we had just gotten named Terry, and he was new, brand new. And we go in there, we’re like, “Hey, come on, let’s go.” He’s like, “What?” And we go to the toilet section and we pretend to take shits. Like, that was a fun thing. We’d go to the toilet section and pretend to make poops. Like, we’d go over to the toilet and be like… “I ate a lot of beans,” like, and that was, like, a fun thing. “Ooh, I must have had a lot of fruit.” Like, that was, like the fun… the fun thing to do. And Terry went over and took a real shit. And I remember it so vividly because he pulled down his pants. And I remember thinking… he doesn’t have to do that. And he sat down and he just goes… And he gets up. And me and my brother look at each other. And no one in here knows fear until you’ve seen a dry turd in the middle of Home Depot… at 11:00 a.m. in the morning. People are eating waffles and jogging. People are like, “Muah, I love you, honey, I’m gonna go to work.” And someone pooped in the middle of Home Depot. And I think my brother kind of lost it for a second. He kind of went crazy for one second, ’cause he was like… “I’m… I’m… I’m gonna try and flush it.” I was like, “What are you talking about? “There’s no water! “We’re in the middle of Home Depot! We’re right by a washing machine!” And like… We’re freaking out. “We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re gonna die. “We’re dead meat. Oh, my God, we’re gonna die, we’re dead meat.” And then, like, I look over at Terry and Terry’s freaking out, he’s like, “I don’t wanna go back to the house. I don’t want to go back to the other place.” And I just grabbed him and I was like, “Get it together, Terry! “Get your shit together. “We are no longer children. “You took that away from us, man. “You took that away from us. Get your shit together.” So, we’re freaking out, like, “what are we gonna do?” And I’m like, “Okay, I’m the oldest, I’m the oldest. Okay, I’m the oldest.” So I run to the toilet-seat section, pick up a toilet-seat box, and just put it on top. Still in the box, just a box with a picture of a toilet seat on it, on top of a turd. And I look at my brothers and I was like, “Let’s just fade away, guys. “Blood oath, right? Just fade away.” And then for, like… like for five minutes. Like, my little brothers, like, they hid underneath some, like, 2 X 4s for, like five minutes, and like for ten minutes, I hid in, like, some rakes. Just be… super quiet. And for the next five minutes, we were the most well-behaved kids in Home Depot history. Like we were the most… Like kids are just going, “I don’t wanna be here.” And we were like, “What’s wrong with that kid? Need a back massage, Dad?” And my Dad was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s… What’s going on?” And we, like, look at him and he goes, “You want to go to Toys R’ Us.” “All right, well, you didn’t have to work that hard, it’s okay.” And he goes and me and my brother look at each other and… “What the fuck? “We… we gotta shit in stuff more often. We have to poop in stuff more often.” But we look over at Terry and Terry’s losing it, he’s never lied like that before. So he’s just standing there… He can’t look at my dad, he’s like, freaking out, shaking and stuff like that, I’m like, “Terry, we’re almost home-free. “Just hold on, we’re almost there. Just hold on, we’re almost there.” And that’s when we hear it. That’s when we hear the loudest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. And it was… “Oh, my God!” And it was the… oldest Asian woman I’ve ever seen, just on the ground, like… “Poop! Poop” And she didn’t know much English, but she knew “poop,” and she was screaming it. And the manager runs over, he’s like, “What’s… what’s wrong? What’s going on? What“ what-J’ “Oh, my God!” Like, he’s screaming. “Someone pooped in the toilet!” And then, like, adults run over there. “What’s going on? Oh, my God, who did this?” Everybody’s screaming, crying and stuff like that. It was like the end of the movie Se7en and shit. Everybody’s crying. Morgan Freeman was there, he’s like, “Oh, how can someone do this?” Like, everyone’s going nuts. I’ve never seen this many adults cry in my entire life. Never. And the thing that gave us away, the thing that gave us away was that everybody, everyone is running, everyone is screaming, everyone’s crying… and me and my brothers are like statue kids. We’re just staring at my dad just like, maybe if we don’t move and we don’t breathe like normal kids do, he’ll know that everything’s fine because we haven’t moved for 20 minutes. And he looks at us, looks at the poop, looks back at us and goes… “Let’s go.” And we all ran out.
You guys have been so awesome. Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it.
(Cheers and applause)