– I don’t feel great. It’s not—like, I think it’s gonna be fine, but I just— like, I feel bloated and gassy a little, maybe a little feverish. Is this for anybody? – Mm-hmm. – Like, here’s what I’ll do. I’m just gonna have the healthy— just have a healthy salad. What am I doing, dude? We got to start— we’re starting the show in, like, fucking… This is meat-lover’s? Oh, it’s so dense. That’s a veggie? You kind of want— I don’t have to eat the whole thing. Jesus fuck, why am I eating this? What am I doing? Thing is, like, I could have eaten between shows. But in my mind, it’s like, not gonna be hot. You know what I mean? It’s gonna be shit. So now I’m eating before the first show. I’m eating this. I think we just have to… take a second and understand what’s going on here. This isn’t just—this is not just, like, a party. Got to do a fucking stand-up special. It’s like a job. – What are these notes? Will you talk to me about what’s here? – This is the leftover of a mistake. Look, the notes are— it’s just evolving, you know— like, the different processes of me, you know, putting things together. I don’t even think— I think this is maybe a song I’m writing. But these are the original post-its of things that were—like, these I did a lot time ago. And sometimes when I look at all this stuff, the actual evolution of things, like this stuff— like, this is the old hour, so I wanted to sort of check. Oh, a lot of this stuff, I didn’t do. So this is sort of the act, give or take. And these are the callbacks here. I’m not doing that one. Oh, no, these are stories. Mustang’s out. Captain Billy, Jesus. MRI is out, ice cream is in. Time Warner is out. MRI’s pretty good, but, meh… People like callbacks. And I thought, why not do that? Why not show that I have— that I’m professional enough to do that, to structure something? I can’t say it’s gonna fucking work, necessarily. But I think I figured out a way to end it. Like, I’m working on this ending. See, that’s who I am. It’s like, I’m taping this special tonight, and I think I’ve got the ending, but I’m not sure. And I’m not even fucking kidding. This is crazy. Like, you would think the best way to go into it is, like, have it all, like, “I’m set, man. I know exactly the hour.” What’s up? Five? [opener performing] [laughter] It is different when there’s cameras all around. But, like, you just can’t think about it like that necessarily, right? Am I good? My nose bleeding? – No bats in the cave. – All right. I get hung up on shit, man. Like, I start feeling like I have a snot in there, and I’m trying to do my show, but all I’m thinking about is this snot in my nose. All right, he’s gonna close with this. [opener performing] Oh, my god. [cheers and applause] – How was it? – Awesome. – They’re fucking unbelievable. – Really? – Yeah, it’s your crowd. – [exhales] emcee: Chicago, are you ready? [cheers and applause] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Marc Maron! [cheers and applause]
Thank you. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Holy shit. All right. – Whoo! – Yeah, whoo! [cheering] That was a properly placed “whoo.” No out-of-context “whoo”s. I do not indulge “whoo”s that happen in weird places. – Trying to keep it under control. – You keep the “whoo” under control. I just wanted it to be weird right when I came out, and it’s happening. I was backstage, I’m like, how do I really want to open this thing? Why don’t you just attack a woman for no reason about something she didn’t even really do? That’d be a nice way to start your big night. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I just—I can’t handle the love and respect from you people. So make no mistake, I’m hating myself inside. They brought pizza backstage, Chicago pizza. I’m not gonna mention any names, ’cause I don’t want to start any shit. But it was one of them. That’s all you’re getting. And, of course, like, I got to do this show. I got to be up here and perform to the best of my ability. And I thought to myself, why not not have two slices of deep dish pizza? Why not not do that? That voice was not honored within me. And now I have two slices of that pizza in my stomach, which I will blame if this goes badly. That’s how I plan. “That didn’t go well— fucking‘ pizza.” Got a plan. I’ve got an inner blogger that reviews my show as it’s in progress. “Maron started off kind of awkward, “making notice of the woman who went, ‘Whoo!’ “Then he just started talking about pizza for no reason, “like he’s got all day up there. “I don’t know how this is gonna go tonight. “Clearly he doesn’t have a plan. “He’s already brought me into it. More later.”
I don’t know. Like, I’m old. I’m not gonna complain about being old, but I’m starting to realize that—like, I’m 51. I’m a 51-year-old man, twice divorced. I have no children. And I live with two cats. And it’s fucking amazing. [cheers and applause] That’s right. That’s right. I’m winning. I’m the winner. For years, I used to think, like, why can’t I manage a relationship? Why can’t I have a marriage? Why don’t I have a normal life of any kind? Why can’t I just be a regular person? But now I’m starting to think, like, I think I dodged a few bullets. I think I’m starting to realize that. And all it takes is one conversation with a friend of mine that went the other way. He’s got the wife and the kids and everything else. One conversation for me to know that I’m okay. Have you ever had that conversation where you don’t know if the guy is talking to you or trying to convince himself that he’s made the right decisions with his life? It takes nothing to provoke these conversations. I could not have seen the guy in, like, three years, and I’d be like, “Hey, man, how you doing? It’s been a while. How are the kids?” “It’s fucking hard right now, man. “It’s bad, it’s bad. “I can’t handle it. “I want them out of the house, “but they’re 7 and 4, “and that’s just not the right way to be thinking. “But I love them a lot. “They’re great kids. “I but I just— it’s fucking awful. “It’s awful. “One of them’s smart. “The other one seems to have a thing with his hands. “He’s okay. “But I just want out, man. “I want out. But I love ’em, I love ’em a lot.” That’s sort of a confusing sort of message you’re giving me. Is everything okay with your wife? “Can’t look her in the eye at all. “Can’t even maintain eye contact with her. “Most of the time, I want her dead, “or I want to be dead. “It’s just—it’s fucking awful. “But I’m blessed. “I mean, I’m really blessed, “because she’s a great woman, “and we’ve been through a lot together. “But god damn it. “You know where I can get a boat? “I think if I had a boat, “then I could just go and change my identity somehow. “But I’d miss my wife, so that’d be kind of crazy. But, god, I want out, man.” I’m like, wow, that doesn’t sound great. It’s still kind of confusing. You okay with money? “I have no money. “Where am I gonna have money? “I have a wife and two kids. “Where does money come into that? “I think about faking my own death all the time, “just so they can have the insurance money “and I can have my freedom. “I’m serious. “Do you know where I can get a boat? “I’m not kidding about the boat. “But I’d miss my family, “and I like eating dinner with them. “But, god, I just want to leave. How you doing, Marc?” I’m great. This conversation’s been great for me. It’s been very helpful, actually. I feel okay. I mean, it’s a little weird sometimes. I’m lonely, but I’ve got the cats, but, you know, I’m okay. And then the guy always goes, “Well, I really appreciate you being my friend, you know, “and hearing me out, “because I can’t talk about this stuff to a lot of people, and I love you, man.” I’m like, “Well, I love you too, man. Good luck with everything.” And I know that fucker goes home, and the second he sees his wife, says, “Ran into Maron, still sad and alone. “Just him and those damn cats. “When’s that guy gonna get it together, right? I told him how great we were doing, baby.” Judas.
Yeah, you know, I got the cats. You know, it’s kind of getting hard to sell the whole, like, you know, 51-year-old dude with two cats as being, you know, an endearing thing. It’s a fine line between, “Aw,” and, “Eh, no, no.” I have weird moments with my cats. You know, I don’t— I guess I could share them. I don’t know. “Maron’s gonna struggle for a minute or two, “try to figure or not he’ll share this information, “like it’s some big secret. “Seen him do this three times. “I wonder what he’s gonna do. More later.” All right, well, one time, I was on the bed With Monkey and Lafonda. And this came out of my mouth. Out loud I said, “I guess it’s just us now, you guys.” That’s kind of sad. It’s a real moment, though. Said this to Monkey out loud the other day, not long ago anyways. I said, “You’re getting old, buddy. “Look at you, you’re like an old cat. You’re all old and shit.” And you don’t think that affects cats. You don’t think that they register that kind of thing. But two days later, Monkey shit on my carpet, while maintaining eye contact with me. Nothing you can do when a cat’s doing that. Just go, like, “Okay, that’s happening?” And they’re like, “Yes, it is, I’m doing it.” And then I thought, like, “Is this about the comment I made? It is, right?” And he didn’t say anything. But you project. And then he tried to bury his shit on the carpet, which I thought was spiteful, and I did feel it was personal. but it wasn’t. They’re just dumb cats. They’re just stupid animals. It’s hard for a cat owner to admit this kind of thing. Like, it wasn’t personal. He just had some sort of brain skid and thought he was outside and shit on what he thought was grass, and was the carpet. But we project all kinds of shit onto cats, because we’re cat people. And just, like, you don’t want to believe they’re just dumb animals. You’re like, “Not mine, nuh-uh, he’s genius. “He’s a genius. “He’s like a mystical wizard “who understands everything, my cat is. He’s a genius.” I don’t think so. But it happens to me all the time. I’ll just see Monkey laying on the bed, just looking out at nothing, and I’ll be like, “I wonder what he’s thinking about. Probably Egypt.” No. No, he’s just like, “Light— ooh, is that a bug? “Nope, okay. Nap time.” And I used to think my cats were fucked up. I used to think that my cats are, like, crazy, ’cause they were wild when I found them. I always had that excuse in my head for why my cats were so skittish and weird. But now I’m starting to think it’s me. I’m starting to think it’s me. I’m the reason. Like, they’re just cats. Like, you’ve been with me now for, what, ten minutes? Imagine if you were a cat. I’m not the optimal owner of a cat. My cats go through a horrible experience almost daily. I mean, it’s not unusual for me to wake up and within five minutes go, “God damn it, what’s happening today?” And I have to assume the cats are like, “We were just sleeping! “What could be the problem already? We were all just sleeping; what’s going on” And then I’ll say, like, “You guys want to eat, or what?” “Why is it a question? “What’s going on? “Oh, no, he’s playing guitar. “I’m going under the bed. I’m going under the bed, can’t take this shit today.” And they’ve become really friendly now with strangers, which they never were, and I really think it’s, they’re trying to— they want out. Like, they just jump on strangers’ laps. I can barely get them on my lap, but I think they’re like, “Please, take us, take us. “I don’t know how we got his guy, but it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting.”
I don’t like when people say, “You’re cats are like your children.” No, they’re not. Not unless my children are severely mentally challenged, they’re not like children. Cats are not children. They’re never gonna surprise you with a word. They’re not gonna win a sports trophy ever. Like, a cat is what it is when you get it, give or take a few movements, slower or faster, but that’s it. Maybe if you have a certain kind of of cat, once or twice in a lifetime you’ll say, like, “How’d you get up there?” You know, and then… And then you’ll be like, “I knew you were a genius.” But if that was my child, that’d be horrible if that was the proudest moment. Like, “What are you doing “on top of the refrigerator, son? “That’s unbelievable. “You just got up there by yourself? “At 7 years old? “That’s amazing. We didn’t think you were gonna do anything ever.” God forbid I become like that kind of cat parent, where I’m just standing over Monkey going, “Say Daddy, say Daddy. Come on, say it.” “Meow.” “That’s what he meant! He said it!” I would hope anybody who witnessed that would say, “We got to get you outside, man. “This is sad. “Too much time at the zoo here. Time to socialize.”
But my cats are a little tweaky, because I—I’m an anxious, angry-ish person. Someone’s laughing at that already. That’s all it took? Just my rationalization? Just the setup? No, you’re really angry. I’m not as angry as I used to be. I’m trying to get better. Here’s the thing, man. I have an anger problem, and that’s not— Like, there’s people in here who have anger problems. I know who my people are, and I know you know who you are. And when you admit you have an anger problem, that’s not casual conversation. That’s not something that just comes up, like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve got an anger problem a little bit.” If you admit that out loud, it’s a default, and usually there’s at least one crying person in the room. You know, it’s a Hail Mary pass. It’s not a rejoicing moment. It’s like, God, I fucked it all up. Better try to get this back together. But the weird thing about having an anger problem is that the one thing we can admit when we have an anger problem is, we fucking love it. We love yelling. We love it right up until you’re crying, and two minutes into you crying. We love it. And then we get scared that we fucked things up permanently. But it’s in us, and we can’t admit that. I’m not saying it’s good behavior. But what I am saying is that angry person can’t— Like, I can never say I’m not gonna have an outburst. I can’t—that’s a lie. It’s gonna happen. What I’ve agreed to do with myself and with others is, I’m just gonna try and tighten up the space between outburst and apology. I’m just gonna try and bring those a little closer together. It’s gotten pretty close. This recently came out of my mouth. “Shut the fuck up, I am sorry.” That’s tight. That’s very tight. I don’t think it was an effective apology. I don’t think that the apology landed, because I think it was tonally inappropriate. But my brain is working in the right direction. I’m getting better. I don’t know what to tell you. I just have a river of rage running through me at all times. It’s just right there. And as I get older, I realize it’s really up to me as to whether or not I’m gonna put the kayak in the water. That’s really what it comes down to. But some days you just want to spend going, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” And people you know will get out of the way. It’s like, “He’s in the boat; get out of the way. He’s got the oar.”
And I don’t—you know, it’s like, anger, it’s satisfying in a way, and, like, sometimes I’ll even talk to myself. That’s ridiculous, talking to yourself in public. That’s why I believe you shouldn’t judge people who talk to themselves in public as crazy too quickly. I know it’s fun to be like, “Oh, shit, look at that guy.” But, like, don’t judge. Don’t be so quick to judge, especially men. If you see a man talking to himself in public, he’s probably not crazy. He’s probably just in a relationship. And what you’re seeing is, he’s taken the fight to the street, where he’s gonna win it on his terms. That’s what’s happening. If you see a man talking to himself in public, he’s probably doing the right thing. He probably just left a situation where he said, “This is bullshit, I’m taking a fucking walk!” And you just caught him in the middle of his process. It’s something along the lines of, like, “Fuck her, I don’t deserve that shit. “Why am I even living with that bitch? What a fucking mistake that was.” He’s actually on his way to apologize. That’s what you’re seeing. He’s making the loop, where he’s gonna walk in and say, “Sorry, baby. It’s my fault, I apologize.” And you’re gonna say, “It’s okay. I’m glad you took a walk.” But just know, out there on the street, we won that fight. There was no gray area either. We won it. Yeah, anger’s like— like, I feel good right now. I’m actually—I’m not as angry. And it’s weird to perform being pleasant. Like, I’m pretty open, and, like, I saw some of you outside on the street. We had a nice conversation. I’m like, oh, look at these nice people who’ve come to see my show. But I don’t like me. You know, like, so— But it’s okay, but, like, I had to realize. I remember the moment where I knew that I liked being angry. You make a choice. Like, there’s a moment there where you’re like, “You don’t have to do that.” And then you’re just, like, in it.
I’ll explain, here’s what happened. I’d spent about— I have to preface this story by saying I can’t seem to leave my house without forgetting at least three things. I don’t know if it’s my age, but I can’t— like, I’ll leave, I’ll get to the bottom of my hill, and I’ll be like, “Fuck, my pants!” And then I got to go back. Obviously, I didn’t really not have my pants. “I don’t know why Maron feels “like he has to explain that joke. “It’s okay just to have a ridiculous punch line “that’s abstract and ridiculous. “Every night, he explains that joke. “Stupid. More later.” So…all right, here we go. So I spent about 20 minutes making a cup of coffee. And you’d be right to ask yourself, like, that seems long. It seems like a long time to take to prepare a cup of coffee. Well, what happened was, I’d gone to a hipster coffee shop, and I ordered—once, once— I ordered the single-source pour-over cup. That’s where they take a cone and put it over one cup of coffee with just enough grounds in the cone for that one cup, and then they trickle hot water over it, because it’s the best way to have a cup of coffee. Once, I did that. Now, when you do that, part of your brain is like, “What is this bullshit? What are we fucking standing here for?” And then the other part of you is like, “No, it’s the best way to have coffee. “It’s a nice way to have it. You can really taste the flavor.” It’s like, “What are you, a fucking sucker? “It’s coffee! “What are we standing here watching this idiot trickle water for?” And I’m like, “Well, can we not do this in front of the barista?” “We’re not doing it out loud yet.” You know, okay. So something resonated about the process, because now I was doing it at home, which is why it took 20 minutes. So I’m at home, and I’m trickling water into a cone, and that part of my brain is like, “Are you fucking kidding me? “We’re doing this at home? You idiot!” I’m like, “Why are you yelling? What do we got to lose?” “Life! Time!” And I’m excited. You know, I made the cup of coffee. I’m like, this is gonna fuel my rage on the highway. I’m gonna be jacked up. And I put it in my travel cup, and I hit the road, and I got to the bottom of my hill, and I’m like, fuck yeah, coffee—god damn it! Coffee’s on the counter in the kitchen. Now… In that moment, I should have just let it go. But for no reason at all, none, I was like, “I’m backing up the fucking hill.” Now, it’s a quarter of mile. There’s cars on both sides. And no reason. I’m like… [angry revving noise] “Fuck this!” Now, when I got to the front of my house and I had not hit any cars, my first thought was, “You’re a fucking idiot.” But the louder thought was, “Nailed it. I fucking nailed it.” That was impressive. I mean, I think there’s an argument to be made we do that every morning. I’m invigorated. I don’t even need coffee. Maybe you could get the neighbors involved. You get to the bottom of the hill, honk the horn, everyone comes out, you wave and smile and just jam it up the fucking hill backwards. That’s how my brain works. I don’t know what— I don’t know how it all happened. I don’t know why—I don’t know why I’m like I am. Do you ever think about that? Not why I’m like I am. But like why you’re like you are? Do you ever think about, like, when you were a little kid? Like, what happened to that kid, right? Sort of a sad moment. Like, there was a time where some of us could just be like, “Look, I have a rock!” And that was enough. That was enough. What happened to that kid? He’s in there still. I still think he’s in there. But, you know, you just crush him down. Like, you’re just walking down the street, and he’s like, “Look, a rock!” You’re like, “Shut up. “No time for rocks now. Rock’s not gonna fix it anymore.” Sometimes, like, do you ever look at other people and, like, see them as a kid? Like, sometimes I have to do that just so I don’t hate them. Do you ever, like— You ever have that moment where you’re just like, “Ah, I fucking hate that guy,” and then you picture him as a kid, you’re like, “Oh, he was that kid, yeah. It was never easy for that guy.” That’s the other thing that’s weird about me. Like, contempt and empathy are very close together. Like, I don’t like— There were things I used to be angry about that I’m really not angry about anymore. But my brain doesn’t know that. You know, it’s like phantom limb anger, you know? Like, it’s just— my heart’s not into it, but my brain will still do that. Like, I’m a 51-year-old man. I never have to have this thought: “Fuck that beard!” I don’t like—it’s not— Why would I fucking have that thought? That guy’s beard isn’t doing anything to bother you. But, like, my brain is like, “There’s no integrity in that beard. “That’s not a real beard. “That’s a coffee shop beard. That kind of—” “That beard in the wild lives off the grid “and shits in an outhouse “and thinks the Jews run the government. “That beard, that guy did not earn that beard. He’s a victim of the Mumford-ing of America.” [applause] So my brain has to roll through all that to, like, let it go. Like, it’s just— it’s gotten better. I see this as a sign of progress, you know? Like, I was walking down the street near my house, probably talking to myself. And I look up, and I just see this dude walking towards me. I don’t even know. I don’t even know what it was, but my brain just went, “Fuck that guy,” like immediately. “Fuck that guy.” And then, like, two seconds later, my brain went, “Aw, he’s sad.” And I think when they’re that close together, we can call it “contempathy.” And that’s a sign of progress. I think that’s a sign of progress. Thank you very much for the consult. [applause] Let’s walk around. “Maron’s up; he’s off the stool. “This never goes well. “He does it on impulse and then just makes his way back to the stool.” “More later.” What was I talking about? Childhood. It’s weird what sticks in your brain from childhood. I think there’s a couple of things I remember. Like, one thing happened just out of nowhere. I went to Trader Joe’s, and— Let’s not get excited about Trader Joe’s. Let’s get over the excitement about Trader Joe’s. It’s not that great. I know we were all excited at first. Like, “Do you have a Trader Joe’s?” “Yeah, we just got one.” But now, like, you’re over it, right? You go there, you get the three things you get there. All Trader Joe’s did was add another stop. That’s all it really did. Now you got to go to the regular supermarket and go get the three things at Trader Joe’s. That’s all it did. Produce is never good, to the point where you’re like, “What the fuck is wrong with this?” You know, I got—I don’t want to talk about Trader Joe’s, but the point is… It just gets to a point where you’re like, something’s got to be evil here. There’s got to be evil at Trader Joe’s. I don’t know what it is, but I think we’re all gonna find out all at once eventually. The point being, I bought a bunch of bags of the trail mix, the raw mix. It doesn’t matter what kind. It doesn’t matter; it’s a detail. “Maron, just get on with the joke. More later.” Childhood, so here’s— So I dump a bag of the trail mix into my face, and there’s, like, a bad nut in there. I chewed it, and it was all bitter. It was bad; it was bad. But it was too late to spit it out, so I swallowed this bitter, bad nut. And I had a moment of panic, and then that song from childhood popped into my head. * Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a— * And then, all of a sudden, I’m like, “Oh, I think that guy dies in that song.” Like, I’m freaking out. Like, I’m pretty sure he dies in that song. So I go to the computer, and I’m like— and I Google the lyrics to “Found a Peanut.” Did not Google what to do if you eat a bad nut. Googled the lyrics of “Found a Peanut.” And I’m like, “He does die. “He dies. I’m gonna have to ride this out.” And I think, if I’m remembering correctly, the last verse, he goes to heaven and gets a better nut or something. And it’s way too late for me on the heaven thing. So now I’m just like, “I don’t know what’s gonna happen for me in this.” I made it through. I made it through. It was touch-and-go. Thank god for that song. Had that to kind of comfort me, in a way. Transcended that element of childhood. What are you rambling about? “Keep the meta voices just to one, please. More later.” So—oh, the other memory from childhood that was very important to me is that, when I was a kid, I grew up in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and we had a local children’s show host in Albuquerque named Captain Billy, and we liked Captain Billy. We loved him. We watched him when we were eating our cereal, like, me and my brother. I was eating my Cocoa Pebbles, and he was eating Fruity Pebbles, which are bullshit. Never got it, just never got the Fruity Pebbles. Like, I still resent him a little bit now, even, for putting me through watching him eat Fruity Pebbles, just— But it’s just, like, you know, with Cocoa Pebbles, you’re working towards chocolate milk. You’re gonna get chocolate milk. I mean, what do you get with Fruity Pebbles? Just, like, this gay milk. It’s just gay milk. “Maron feels weird about using the word ‘gay’ in that context, “but he rationalizes it by thinking “that Fruity Pebbles had many colors, “giving it a rainbow theme, “which poetically gives it a pride element. “It’s a stretch, “but that’s how Maron makes that joke okay. More later.” So… How about Captain Crunch kids? What the fuck was wrong with their mouth? How could you eat that shit? Like, there were people that could eat Captain Crunch, and then just— I had it once, and you’re like, “What—it just ripped my mouth up!” Like, I think all those Captain Crunch kids just became, like, psychopaths or football players or circus performers— I don’t know. I couldn’t eat it. How about these kids? “I like Cheerios.” No, you don’t. And you really got to start pushing back now, or it’s gonna be a long, sad life for you. Tell them to get you a fun cereal. They can afford it. Get your own cereal. “But I like Cheerios.” You don’t. And if you don’t push back now, you’re gonna be a Cheerios pussy your entire life. Metaphorically. Just middle management for you and your Cheerios. So, anyways, Captain Billy. Is this getting through to the balcony? Are you okay up there? [cheers and applause] Do you feel alienated? [applause] You want me to deconstruct what just happened in my head and why I checked in with you? So I’m doing good down here, but somehow in my mind I’m like, balcony’s not with me. Like, I just made the decision based on nothing. I think I looked at one person up there, and I just see, like, a vague head, and this is what it looked like. But, like, I project all the time. I don’t know what people are thinking about. Why do I assume it’s about me? I don’t know what kind of life you live or what kind of day you had. That guy could be like, “I hope I hid that body well. “Maron thinks he knows his fans, “but I just buried someone today. “Bet you I’m the only one in here who did that. Fuckin’ Maron.” Anyways, Captain Billy. So here’s what happens. We used to watch Captain Billy. Wore a captain hat, had a big mustache, captain’s blazer. He had puppets, and he’d show cartoons, and he’d teach us things. And we loved him. We loved Captain Billy. At that point in my life— I guess I was about 7— my father was a doctor. It’s unclear what he does now. We’re in touch, but I don’t press him for any information, because it just doesn’t go anyplace good. But he was a doctor. And one day he came home from the hospital for dinner, which was rare, and he sat at the dinner table, and just out of nowhere he said, “Someone shot Captain Billy today. “He’s at the hospital. He’s in critical condition.” I couldn’t even wrap my brain around it. I’m like, “Wha-what? “Why would anyone shoot Captain Billy, Dad? Why?” And my father, never being appropriate in his life, to this day, looks at his 7-year-old son in the eyes and goes, “Some guy caught him screwing his wife.” And in retrospect, that is the most important lesson I learned from Captain Billy. [applause] Don’t do that. It’s a commandment for a reason. That commandment will lead to the other one: murder. Do you ever think about how fucked up the world must have been when they wrote the commandments? Like, how out of control shit was, for a group of guys to come up with those fucking rules? It was a group of people. It was not—God didn’t say that to anyone. I don’t want to shatter anyone’s—okay, grown-ups? So the— [laughs] [applause] But could you—I just picture, like, five guys, like, locked into a barn, just panicked. They’re like, “We got to make some fucking rules! “It’s fucking crazy out there! “Some guy shot my brother ’cause of his hair. “No reason! “Just killed him on the street, didn’t shoot him, “because we don’t have guns yet! “Killed him with a rock! “Saw a guy fucking a dog on the street! “It’s impossible to run a business in this environment. We have to make some rules.” “How do we get them to listen to the rules?” “We’ll invent a god. They’re morons!” “Maron feels a little uncomfortable “that he’s going into religious-type material, “because it’s not what he does right now. “But I think they can handle it. More later.” Yeah, I don’t, like— you know, whatever. Do what you want. You know what I mean? Hang your hopes on whatever you got to hang your hopes on. You know, it’s like life after a certain point, like, whatever meaning you’re looking for, you’ll realize one day, like, “Shit, I think all I’m doing is buffering disappointment.” “Marc just crashed it. “Just threw the whole fucking set in the garbage. “Everything was going fine. “Just got to throw out some amateur existential garbage “into the brains of his adoring fans “so that they doubt everything. “This is the best part of Maron. More later.” I—I don’t have time to—
I’m a Jew, whatever that means. Yeah, we “whoo,” but what does it mean? I’m a Jew; culturally I’m a Jew. I was brought up a Jew. I did the thing. I made a little money. Then you—what, it’s, like, a language you don’t understand. You don’t even understand when you learn to read it. There’s no real message there. And if you grew up, like, middle-class conservative Jew, you don’t get any real lessons. And at some point, when you’re a kid and you’re a Jew, you say to your mom, “Mom, do Jews have a god?” And your mom goes, “Just eat. And remember we’re better than other people.” That’s it. That’s American Judaism in a nutshell. I don’t know if this is gonna be in the special. [applause] My neighborhood is— Let’s just do— let’s get through it. I don’t know a lot about religion. I’m not very sophisticated with that stuff. I just—I don’t have a god in place, and that doesn’t seem to concern me. Like, I’ll just deal with my weird discomfort existentially with, you know, with food and masturbating and, you know, movies. Just keep feeding the hole. I don’t know why that— Isn’t that what being American is all about? [cheers and applause]
I got a gig in North Carolina, in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had booked a gig on Easter weekend, and I didn’t even know it was Easter weekend. All right, so I booked a gig. They were sending a neurotic, godless, angry Jew to the American South on arguably the most Jesus-y weekend of the year. And I didn’t know anything about— Like, I don’t know anything about it. I know who Jesus is. I know he was a man. Like, I know he had a beard. I know he took the hit for everybody. I get the concept. I get the concept of the Jesus religion. “Oh, you think you got it bad? Get a load of that guy.” “Cancer, huh? That’s sad. Look at Jesus.” “Your dog is sick?” But, you know— But I’m an empathetic person. I figured that out. I learned empathy. Like, I always had it, but I had to reengage it. I didn’t know what the word “empathy” meant for a long time, and I didn’t really experience it very effectively during that time. But now I kind of know what it means. I think, like, for me, the working definition of empathy is being able to put yourself in the place of the person you’re yelling at. Like, I think that’s the primer. That’s how I learned it. So I’m going to the South, and I’m starting to feel empathy for the people that are gonna be in my audience. It’s an important weekend for them that have Jesus in their heart and might still believe, and I don’t want to be rude to them. And I like Christians that are like, “Yeah, I grew up with it, but I don’t got it anymore.” So it’s like he’s just out? He’s just out of your heart? He just goes? But he’s close by, right? Like, in a pinch, he’s back, right? Like, Jesus is just— he’s just down at the drug store having a Coke, right? Could you just picture Jesus at the counter of a drug store like, “Oh, shit, he thinks he has something on his dick. “I got to—all right. “What? “Yeah, I don’t know what that is either. “Why don’t you go to a doctor? I hope it works out okay.” “Oh, shit, he’s on an airplane. “What? What do you want? “I don’t know if it’s gonna crash. “Yeah, it’s scary. It is scary.” Okay? Okay.
So my first gig is Good Friday, and I don’t know anything about it. I genuinely do not know what it is. So I’m in my hotel room in North Carolina, and I Google Jesus. And I read a little bit, and then I’m taken to the Good Friday Wiki. And I read a little bit, and what I learned fairly quickly is that that was not a good day for Jesus, at all, really. Arguably the worst day of Jesus’s life. And I don’t know, those of you who are hanging on to hopes that he’ll come back, maybe one of the reasons he’s not is the cold, hard, literal irony of calling that day by that name. Maybe you should rally a little grassroots momentum towards the Pope to change the fucking name to something more honest, like The Worst Fucking Day of Jesus’s Life Day. Then maybe Jesus will be like, “All right, that was a nice gesture. I’ll go down and see if I can salvage some of those morons.” And by morons, I don’t mean anyone in here. Are you getting mad, lady? Are you getting upset? You okay? Okay. I just projected a personality onto her. So anyways, so I’m reading the story of Good Friday, and I have to relate to it in a personal way, because that’s how I read things. I’m not saying that I’m Jesus-like or that I have any aspirations to being a Jesus. I mean… I think I have the charisma and… charm to be a cult leader, but I lack the vision, quite honestly. I lack the vision. Clearly, I can bring people together. I can get people into the room. But if you guys had those kind of expectations, I believe you’d be disappointed. You’d be leaving going like, “I wasn’t uplifted at all. I don’t think that guy has got his message together.” ‘Cause it would get sad. Eventually you’d all be like. And I’d be like, “Aw, I’m sorry. “I guess I’m just gonna get something to eat and go back to my hotel.” But 200 years from now, theologians will be like, “What Maron meant by a hotel “was, aren’t we all guests? “We are, aren’t we? “I think that it fell on deaf ears “when Maron was preaching his gospel. “But now he’s more understood. “And sadly, that was the last night “anyone saw him in Chicago. “Rumor has it he entered the water trying to catch fish underneath the water.” “Maron’s riffing about Jesus for no reason. “Gone completely off-road now. More later.” So…okay. Let’s stay in it. It’s all gonna turn around. I want to make sure I got this in the can. Good Friday, let me see if I can get it right. Jesus is in trouble. He’s standing before Pilate. Pilate’s like, “Oh, this guy. “Oh, god, I don’t want to deal with this. Go to the Jews, let Herod deal with you.” Jesus goes to Herod. In my mind, Herod goes, “Oy oy oy. “What am I gonna do with this guy? Troublemaker, this one.” Some Christian came up to me after a show and he said, “You know, Herod wasn’t a Jew.” I’m like, don’t buzzkill with truth. So…so then Herod goes, “Go back to Pilate; I don’t want to deal with this.” And then Jesus goes back to Pilate, and Pilate’s like, “Why are you back? “I don’t want anything to do with this. “Let’s ask the crowd what to do. What should we do with Jesus?” And the crowd goes, “Kill him!” That’s the story, right? So Jesus died because of a shitty crowd? [applause] I’ve had that experience. But I can just come back and try again. Jesus really died, right, adults? He died, and then he came back from the dead, right? Grown-up people? Came back from the dead. That’s it, right? And people believe that. They’re like, “Yeah,” and you can’t argue with them. Like, it’s impossible. “No, it’s Jesus.” I just want to postulate this idea. Is it possible that, like, a few of the apostles were like, “Fuck, he’s dead, we’re out of work. “We got to… “Where’s the body? Where’s the body? “I think we can hoist it up. “Let’s just get behind this hill right here. “Are they looking? “Are they looking? “They’re crying and praying? “Great, we did it. “Throw him back down. We’re set, we’re set.” Reasonable question in the culture we live in today: Do you think Jesus was a fast zombie or a slow zombie? [groaning, laughter] Why? Why? Why’d I have to do that to people that had Jesus in their mind? I just sullied your pristine image of your—of Jesus. Like, you had the like… And now you had to indulge… [roars] Wouldn’t that be insane, if he came back like that? People would be so freaked out. They’re like, “Oh, Jesus is back.” “That’s great.” “No, it’s not, it’s not great.” “What are you talking about? We’ve been waiting.” “He’s eating children.” “Wait, Jesus is eating children?” “He’s eating everybody. He’s just eating people; it’s horrible.” “Wow, this is not what we expected.” “I know, right?” “What are you gonna do?” “Well, I’m gonna follow Jesus. “I’ve been waiting. I don’t see why this should stand in the way.” – “All right, well, fuck, he’s coming. Let’s just run for now.” “All right, Maron’s gonna not talk about Jesus anymore now.” I don’t love kale; I don’t love it. You know, I eat it, but I don’t love it. Do you love it? Like, when did it happen? When did the kale thing happen culturally? When did the cultural conversation about kale begin? I went through my whole life, never had one conversation about kale. Now one out of three involve it somehow. It was recent. Like, maybe three years ago, the first idiot came up to me and said, “You eating kale?” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” “Then you’re dying! “You’re dying! “You need to eat kale. “Juice it or something. Get it in you.” All right, I’ll make note; I’ll eat it. “Do it in front of me!” Now you’re weird. Now it’s just a weird thing you’re doing. Maybe I had one conversation about kale. When I was a little kid, my family went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, and I was getting food with my dad, and I think I said, “Dad, what are all these green leaves on the ice around the food we’re getting?” And my dad—I’m paraphrasing— said, “Oh, that’s kale. They grow it for garbage.” When did kale make the jump from buffet garnish to life essential? When did that happen? It’s around the same time that people started putting bacon in everything. I can track those. Same time I had the kale conversation, the first one, it was around the same time the first guy came up to me and said, “You ever had a bacon cupcake?” I’m like, “No, bacon’s not for cupcakes.” “It is now, man. Sweet and savory, get on board, bro.” About three years ago, kale and bacon replaced good and evil in our culture. And you just have to find someplace between them to lead a moral life. And let’s be honest. There’s only two ways to prepare kale that I have found. You can either prepare it sadly or self-righteously. Those are the only two ways to prepare kale. [applause] This is sadly. “God, this is bullshit, man. Why am I eating this?” And this is self-righteously. “Mm-hmm, yes, I am eating this. “Daddy’s eating healthy, Monkey. Look at Daddy eating kale.” Let’s talk about love, I guess. What are you doing down there? What’s the matter? – I have to take a picture. I can’t help it. – You have to take a picture? Of me? – Yes, I don’t know why— – I know why, ’cause you’re drunky. You’re all drunky. – If I’m totally sober, I would still do it. – If you’re totally sober, you’ll still do it? All right. Well, I don’t know that I want to stop the entire momentum of the show to indulge your drunken desire to take a picture of me. I know that you’ve had a few cocktails, and somehow or other, you’ve decided that this is just about me and you. But no, it’s not. The whole night—okay, okay. Here, I have an idea. Don’t ruin the rest of the evening. [cheers and applause] So… Okay, yeah, I’ve been through some relationships lately. Some of you are up to speed on some of that stuff. Some bad ones, there’s been some bad ones. Like, I was with a woman for a few years, like 3 1/2 years. I almost married her, until I realized I don’t think she likes me at all, ever. That’s a weird moment. You ever had that moment where you wake up and you’re with someone for 3 1/2 years, and you’re like, “You’ve never liked me at all, have you?” And then you have to ask yourself, “Why the hell did I let that happen?” And for me, it was like, that was the best three years of my life every other way. Career picked up, I was making a living again. I wasn’t hating on myself at all. But some part of my brain was like, “We can outsource that job.” Bring her in to do it, be fine. And that was an angry relationship, man. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t do the angry— like, I’m so much better. I’m so much better. You know when you’re an angry person, and then you find another angry person, and you just yell and fuck and cry, and you think that’s intimacy, the crying part, and… It’s just crazy. It’s crazy, and it’s embarrassing. But, like, it’s hard to get out of that, because there’s no sex better than the sex had on a pile of clothing taken out of drawers to leave you with. I mean, there’s really no sex better than that. So much depends on that. You really got to show up for work that day. No sloppy apologizing in the middle of that one. You don’t want to end with, “Sorry, I don’t know what happened.” You need to end with, like, “That’s right, baby. What do you say we put these clothes away?” But it’s embarrassing to be in a yelling relationship, because, like, you have neighbors. It’s like, you get ashamed of yourself. You’re screaming at each other, and then one day you realize, like, they’ve got to be hearing everything. Like, I see my neighbor putting his garbage out, and I got to fight the urge to not say, “I’m not hitting her. “Not hitting her. “Just emotional abuse, we’re both doing it. “We’re both doing it. “I mean, you hear the shit she says, right? “You hear that shit, right? “Why you looking at me weird? “She doesn’t even live here. “You’re my fucking neighbor. Pick a team, asshole!” Yeah, almost married that one. Then there was the age-appropriate one who I thought I was in love with, and that was rough. That was crazy. She started the relationship by saying this to me. “I will not tolerate yelling, and I will not tolerate leaving.” So—so what do I do, then? When both of those would be the right thing to do. Crying was the answer. Crying was okay. I’ll squirt out a few tears. I don’t mind. That’s what’s right underneath the angry, just a sad little boy with a rock that no one cares about. How come no one… Don’t you like my rock? That it, really. That’s all that’s under there, under anger. Like, if you’re ever yelling at a woman and you’re a man, 95% of the time, all you should be saying is, “Why can’t you be my mommy? Why are you not my mommy?” I know men in here are like, “Thanks for giving them that tool, Marc. “That was really gonna help us. Whose team are you on, brother?” Just think it’s true. But I’ll cry, I’ll cry a little bit. I don’t mind crying; it’s good for you. But I will say this. The two most embarrassing things you can be caught doing as a man— or maybe I should just say “as this man,” are either crying uncontrollably, just weeping uncontrollably, or experiencing profound joy. Let me try and— I’ll illustrate it for you physically. Like, either this: Oh, god, what am I gonna do? [blubbering] Why?! [sobbing] [screaming] That. Or this: Yay! Ooh, yay! [applause] And if you think that you have profound joy in your life and you’re not doing that, you’re tempering it, and probably for good reason, because who would tolerate that for more than once? Ooh, breakfast! Yow! Okay, turn it down a little bit. Turn it down. Not attractive. But I feel so good! So that relationship didn’t work out.
Then I had a long-distance relationship, which was— “Maron apparently needed to fiddle “with the mic stand for a little while. More later.” The long-distance thing is weird. You can actually make it work because of technology. You can have a long-distance relationship with some sense of intimacy, because you can Skype. You can talk in real-time to a person and watch them talk to you in real-time on your screen, and you can say things, like romantic things like, “Move closer so your head’s actual-size.” “It’s weird, right?” You can have Skype sex, which is a cute way of saying masturbating to each other, masturbating in real-time while you watch each other masturbating. That’s cool. Everyone’s done it, or you will do it. It’s only the first time that it’s weird. The first time, when you’re like, “I guess we’re doing this. “Are we doing it? “We’re doing it. Oh, shit.” But by the second time, you’re like, “Are you set up? “All right, get set up. “I thought it was now. I’ll Skype back in five, get set up.” There’s only one rule for Skype sex, really. The only advice I can give you is, stay focused on what’s happening. Just stay focused. Don’t let your eyes drift to the little box in the left-hand corner. Just stay on this. Try to avoid that moment where you’re like, “Who’s this sad masturbating guy? “Oh, shit, that’s me. Why do I even keep that box open?” Positioning. “Am I in? Is everything in? “You good? “You can see all of it? It’s all in? Okay.” It’s the universal sign for jerking off. That doesn’t mean anything anywhere else. There’s no culture where this means ripping your dick off. Or there was one, but they didn’t survive. “Maron’s so proud of that stupid joke. More later.” It’s weird, though. Like, I don’t know where the gender conversation or debate is on any given day. You know, I know there’s constant issues and struggles. I understand that. But I do know that one show, a woman came up to me after the show, after I had done that, and she said, angrily, “You know, women masturbate too.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t know I had to cover… What do you want me to do?” Like, so now I’ve got to be like… or… Do you remember the first time you saw a woman masturbating in front of you, and the first thought you had was, “Wow, that thing can take a beating. “I thought that was a fragile flower. “But you look like you’re digging for something. “Oh, my god. “Do you want me to touch it like that? “Like that? Really, like that? “Oh, my god, we got to ease into that. I can’t even look at you the same way right now.” I don’t know. See, I don’t talk about sex that much, because for some reason, we decided it’s not— I have to talk about it a little bit. I’ve been talking about it more lately on stage. Like, it’s— there’s a weird difference between, like, pants time and no-pants time. Like, you know, no-pants time, we all do that. We’re all, like— we’re fucking filthy animals, you know? It’s amazing. And then we just have to, like, “Now I’m going to work.” Right? I’m fascinated with it, kind of. It’s weird, like— I’ll share this. I don’t really know why I do, but I kind of know why. Like, that woman who I almost had a baby with, the one who I was gonna marry, like, she really wanted a baby, all right? I’m gonna try to walk over here. She really wanted a baby. And I didn’t really want one, right? But I didn’t use protection or anything, because I’m like, “Let’s roll the dice.” So… And I’m a child when it comes to protection. Like, “I can’t feel anything.” Yeah, I’m that guy, at 51. I’m not proud, I’m not proud, all right? People are like, “What about diseases?” Well, you know, you speculate. So… Anyways, I’m sharing this for reasons that I don’t know, but I’m going to. Like, she— Maybe it’s to find out if anyone’s ever felt this. Like, she wanted a baby so bad, and I didn’t want one, but she did badly. So, like, if I came anywhere within a foot of her vagina, I swear I had to keep an eye on that come. [groaning, laughter] It’s like, “All right, I’ll get a Kleenex, “but that stays out. “That stays on the tummy. “It doesn’t go in, right? “Don’t want a finger baby. I’d like to be part of it.” [groaning, laughter] Really, that’s where you’re gonna draw the line? That, to most of you, is like, “I don’t know if we need to know that.” Isn’t that weird, that that’s it? Like, we’re all people here, right? Everyone in here, everyone, has had come on them. Every one of you has had come on you. Every woman in here has said, “Can you get something, please? “Yes, it is a lot. “Could you just get something? “Just get a towel— not that towel. Get the shitty towel.” Every man in here has surprised himself with the masturbation session he didn’t think was gonna happen. “Oh, shit, oh, fuck, okay, okay.” Everyone has had come on them. It’s where we come from. It’s what bonds us. Come. It is. And we’re all filthy— It’s just so funny to me. Like, you know when you do something sexually one night, and you look at your partner, and you’re like, “Holy shit, did that happen? Wow, we are dirty.” And then you just got to go to work the next day and just act like a person, and not like a filthy monster. It’s like… It’s the only thing that keeps society, like, together, is pants and shame. That’s the only thing that—
All right. Let’s close with something big. Ice cream can go fuck itself. I know some of you are like, “I don’t understand. “Ice cream is fun. “It’s, like, great. What would be the problem?” Because it’s fucking horrible. Because I can’t—like, I have an issue with ice cream. For me, ice cream is for children to enjoy and for me to feel ashamed of, all right? This is just the way I operate. I’m a drug addict. I haven’t done anything in, like, 16 years. [applause] It’s all right, no. Doesn’t make me a good person. My point is, if I eat a little ice cream, I don’t know how long it’s gonna go on for. It could go on for fucking weeks. Like, I have a daily struggle with ice cream. And it’s pathetic, but it’s real. Because ice cream, it’s the perfect drug. It can work both ways. Like, this show’s gone well. Like, I could end the show, and part of me would be like, “I kind of want to keep this party going. Could get a little ice cream, just, like, keep rocking.” Or let’s say the set went badly and I was like, “Ugh, why do I even do comedy? “I don’t want to live anymore. I’m gonna get some ice cream.” It’ll work both ways. It’s a beautiful drug. But it’s a struggle for me, because I’m compulsive. Like, maybe if I walk you through it, you’d have move sympathy for this struggle. Okay, let’s do it. [laughs] What am I doing? You don’t know what I’m doing? It’s like this weird— like, could you imagine if you had OCD as a comic, and you only have, like, three things to work with? Ah! I guess that was a short performance piece called “OCD Guy.” [applause] Thank you. [applause] Okay. So here’s what’ll happen. Ice cream, this is the struggle. Let’s say I just did—let’s say I just did a good set at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, and I drive home. I get home at 11:45 at night. I walk into my house, and I think, like, that was a good day, had a good set. I’m just gonna get some sleep like a grown-up. I’m gonna go to bed now. And then part of my brain will be like, “Fuck that. “It’s fucking ice cream time, let’s go! Let’s get some ice cream!” I’m like, “No, you know, it’s late. “There’s no reason to eat ice cream at this hour. “You know, we’re adults. I don’t think we need to do that.” “Fuck you, adult asshole. Let’s get some ice cream.” And then I might try to do this one. “No, the store closes. It’s closed; we’re never gonna make it.” “You can make it, man. “You can make it if you leave right now. All right, it’s open for ten more minutes.” And I’m like, “I don’t really think we should— ” “Shut up! Go get it!” I’m like, “All right, all right.” So then I’m driving. Going to get ice cream. And you know when you have that singleness of purpose where you’re like, “Oh, this is gonna be good,” because nothing—ice cream’s always going to deliver. There’s nothing in life that is that steady, where you’re like, “I’m gonna get it, “and it’s gonna go in my mouth, and it’s gonna be fucking great.” So I’m driving, and I get to the store, and I can see they’re trying to close, and I have to fight the urge to not say this out loud. “I’m getting ice cream.” So then you kind of scramble to the ice cream freezer, and, like, and you just stand before it. “Yay! Ooh!” And then, if you haven’t been there in a few weeks, then the next thought is like, “Wow, Ben & Jerry’s has been up to some shit. What is happening?” It’s like 90 new flavors. Why don’t they just make a flavor that’s called “There’s way too much shit in this ice cream, yay”? You always have that moment where you pick it up, it’s like, “Wow, Cheddar Goldfish. “Well, I guess they know what they’re doing. “Bacon, of course. “Pennies, that’s weird. “Pennies. I’ll try it.” So… In my mind, I’m gonna get one pint of ice cream. I mean, it’s gonna last me a couple of days. What? And I always think that. Every time I do it, I always think that. And this is what happens. I get a complicated flavor, maybe a new one, maybe an old standby, like Peanut Butter Cup perhaps. So I get the complicated flavor, and I’ll be like, “All right, this is good. We’ll just spread this out a couple days.” I’ll walk three steps, and I’ll be like, “Shit, need some vanilla to cut it with. “Gonna need a cut. “Got to cut this. “You can’t eat this straight. You know, you got to step on it a little bit.” So… So now I’m walking out with two pints of ice cream. I didn’t want any ice cream, and now I’ve got two pints. And I’m going home thinking I’m gonna be responsible with the ice cream. Now, here’s what happens when I get home. I get inside my house, and I think, “All right, this first bowl is gonna be a grown-up bowl of ice cream.” See, I already fucked up, ’cause I’m saying the first bowl. My only bowl… is gonna be a grown-up bowl of ice cream. So then I’ll thaw the stuff out, take a few minutes to thaw it out. Then I’ll take the tops off, get a bowl, a spoon. Put about a third of the complicated flavor in, then a couple hits of the cut in there, put the lids on, put it back, in the freezer, and then go sit down on my couch and eat a grown-up bowl of ice cream with a spoon and bowl. So I just sit there watching TV. “Oh, it’s so good.” Maybe I’ll even put the bowl down. I’ll eat the whole bowl like that. And then I’ll go into the kitchen. I’ll put the bowl in the sink, and I’ll put the spoon in the sink. I’ll go sit on the couch and watch a little more TV. 23 seconds go by. And I’m like, “Oh, god damn it!” Now, I take the pints out of the freezer, put them on the counter, pop the lids off. No bowl necessary. [grunting] Just eat some of that complicated flavor. [grunting] And then, like, eat some of the vanilla. Throw the lids on. Throw them back into the freezer, because now I’m pissed, and then walk around my kitchen going… [exhausted mumbling] “Ah, so good, okay.” And then I’ll go sit on my couch for five seconds, and I’m like, “No, no!” Then, now I’m just eating over the freezer, like someone’s gonna catch me, like… [frantic grunting] So I eat, like, all of the complicated flavor. There’s only, like, four tablespoons left. There’s about an eighth of a pint of the vanilla cut. And in my mind, I’m like, “I didn’t eat it all. “I didn’t eat it all. There’s still ice cream.” Have you ever been to someone’s house, and you have to go into their freezer for some reason, and you see ice cream in there that looks like it’s been in there for, like, months, and there’s part of you that’s like, “What kind of fucking people… “could just have ice cream in their house? “What kind of control-freak monsters live here? “Who—I thought I knew these people. “I got to get out of here before they try to control me, these freaks.” All right, so now I’ve consumed well over a pint and a half of ice cream. And I feel gross. I’ve just fed the shame engine. That’s what my body is. This is a shame engine that runs on specific foods. And I’ve got a phantom fat issue, which I know is not a sympathetic position. I’m an idiot that always thinks he’s fat. So, like, I feel it in my heart, even though I know it’s not there. Body dysmorphia, it’s my mom’s fault. Try to have a little compassion. So now I’m just like, “What did I do? I’m all full of ice cream, and it’s gross.” And like, in my mind, I’m like, “Oh, no, what did I do?” And then I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I guess I’ll just go to bed.” And then I get into bed, and I don’t know where to put my phantom fat. I’m just laying there like, “What the fuck happened? “Pint and a half of ice cream is bullshit. “I didn’t even want it. “Now I can’t fucking sleep. What am I gonna do now?” Some voice goes, “You know what you’re gonna do now. “You’re gonna sadly masturbate. That’s what you’re gonna do.” And that’s, like, the worst kind of masturbation, when you don’t even want to do it, and you’re just doing it because you don’t feel good and you’re awake. And you, like, can’t even commit to it. You’re just like, “Blough.” And when you come, you actually go, “No! Ugh.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit, okay, okay.” And you get a towel. “Don’t look at me, Monkey. “Daddy’s sad. Get out, get out.” You get back into bed. You lay down. You’re like, “That was fucking horrible. “Fucking sad. How’d this night end like this?” Then you, like, lay there for, like, 40 seconds, and then you’re like, “There’s still some ice cream left. I’m gonna go hit that shit.” “Think Maron did a pretty good show tonight. “I’m proud of him. More later.” Thank you. [cheers and applause] Aw, thank you. [cheers and applause] Like, I’ve sort of evolved into a fairly kind of like… very personal, it’s my world, my brain, kind of comic, you know. And I used to be a lot more aggressive politically and more provocative in certain ways, but I don’t feel like I want to do that anymore. – Is it comfortable now? – Yeah, it is comfortable, and I enjoy it comfortable. But, like, you know, it’s like, I don’t want to divide people. And I think, like, the shit I do about God, you know, Jesus can handle it. Jesus people can handle it. It’s not that racy, you know. But Jesus Zombie, I’m very happy with.
