ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Lewis Black! [APPLAUSE]
A survey from Public Policy Polling revealed recently that 13% of potential voters would prefer to have a giant meteor crash into the Earth and destroy civilization than to see either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump in the White House. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Thank you… and good night. Seriously, what– what need more be said? Thirteen percent. That’s not a small amount of people. That’s a lot of people saying, “[expletive] kill me.” This has been the longest election cycle of my lifetime, and it began, I believe, sometime during the middle of World War II. I truly believe that by the time we actually have to vote, I will be unable to make it to the door. I will have been sapped of my will to live. The only good thing that has come out of this election cycle, quite honestly, is that it has made time seem longer. [APPLAUSE] I’ve been noting with interest the fact that really none of the candidates, none who ran, and the two that are now really left standing, and none of our leaders, have any concept whatsoever of what to do about ISIS, and let me just say, oddly enough, I do. [LAUGHTER] I know it would seem strange that I, someone of a limited military background… would understand this, and let’s note that I had three years of service in the Cub Scouts. I did three USO tours: Iraq and Afghanistan during Christmas, and I learned a great deal from that. Twenty-one days, I know more than any of these people. Many of them– many of them have said that we must bomb ISIS back to the Stone Age. Obviously, they have never spent time there. I’ve been to Ramadi, I’ve been in Fallujah. They are… already in the Stone Age. What are you gonna do? Bomb them until they’re dinosaurs?
I realized what to do when the blizzard last year was coming to New York City. And just as a side note, when a blizzard or a hurricane is coming to anywhere in the United States, every weather person must be given a rabies shot. [LAUGHTER] These [expletive], they’re out of control! Seriously! It’s not a blizzard and an asteroid shower, asshole! It’s snow! It hits your hand. It melts. So, as the blizzard was coming, and throughout the entire winter, I took note of the fact that there was no mention of ISIS whatsoever. They disappeared. And it was then that I realized that ISIS is afraid of snow. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] So I feel, as winter comes, and the snows form, that we get out there and shovel them, and we get them as quickly as we can to every Air Force base possible, and we bomb the shit out of them with snow. Because even in Atlanta, they don’t know how to drive in the snow. [APPLAUSE]
To be honest, having spent this year watching what’s going on, I have no idea what my– um, my job is anymore. Everyone in this room already has 30 Trump jokes that are probably better than any one that I thought of. What the [expletive] do you need me for? I should have just come out and gone, “Tada!” I’ve always felt that my job was to be truly crazier than what I see. That’s what differentiates me from other comics, that I am crazier than what I see. Ballgame’s over. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] The first inkling I had of this was when I, um… I heard Ben Carson speak for the first time. When you’re listening to someone, and as you listen to them, you begin to think, “Did I take a drug?” Something’s wrong. But I believe we have something to learn from Ben Carson, especially those of you who work in an office. There’s probably a douche bag you’re working with, your boss is, no doubt, a prick, and you wanna say something to them. All you have to do, in order to get across what it is you wanna say, is to speak as Ben Carson does. And by this… [SOFTLY] I mean, you speak as softly as you possibly can, and yet, still be heard, so that the person listening to you must use an inordinate amount of energy just to hear the words coming out of your mouth, and as you do that, speak as slowly as you possibly can, as if each and every word was being formed in your brain for the very first time. And be sure that your eyes are two-thirds closed… [LAUGHTER] …so that you resemble a lizard sunning itself on the rock. And if you do that, you can say any batshit thing you want to anyone, as Ben Carson did when he said… “It’s amateurs who built the ark, but it was professionals who built the Titanic.” [APPLAUSE] He said that! In front of a lot of people. And no one came up to him and said, “Ben, you’ll have to come with us now.” [APPLAUSE] Another thing you must do, is as you’re speaking, you be sure that your hands are moving in a way that has nothing to do with what you’re saying at all. Not a god damn thing. Be sure that they’re moving in a way like, this is a nice way to do it. Because the person listening to you won’t hear what you’re saying, because they’ll be thinking, “Wow, what a great aquarium.” And when you wanna make your final point, do as Ben does, and as he did, when he– Be sure that your hands move opposite to the meaning of the words, such as, “We must raise the middle class by lowering their taxes.” [APPLAUSE]
The turning point came for me when I turned on the television one morning, and on the screen, on CNN– and let me just say, it is absolutely vital for every American to watch CNN for five minutes a day. Why? Because it’ll give you a good idea of what it’s gonna be like when you have a stroke. [LAUGHTER] It’ll just be two people mumbling. [MUMBLING NOISE] And the crawl will be going, “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” There, on the screen, was Donald Trump, in the background. In the foreground, was Sarah Palin at the microphone. And I thought, “How… am I… supposed to make this funnier?” How do you satirize what is already satiric? I realized that we were now living at the intersection of reality and satire. We are living, I believe, in fictional times. And by that, I mean that if you took the reality that we’ve been living through for a year, and put that in a book, you’d read that book, and you’d go, “Son of a bitch! Great book!” And then she spoke. [LAUGHTER] Took my breath away. I was clueless. After just a few seconds, I wondered, “Maybe she’s talking to another species. Or trying to guide aliens to come here and save us.” It made no [expletive] sense at all. The longer I listened, the worse it got. And then, that weekend, on Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey came on and did her brilliant Sarah Palin, and they performed, really, the news conference that I saw, and Tina Fey used about 85% of what Sarah Palin actually said. Her writers [SPUTTERS] didn’t have to work! And I thought, “My job is done.” [LAUGHTER]
I am thrilled to announce that I am moving on. I really discovered that what my next job would be– it came to me last, well, last Black Friday. And it was at that point in time they announced that there were more gun background checks done on that day than in the history of the country. More guns were purchased than had been in a long, long time. And when I saw this, I realized… that if Christians were buying weaponry as gifts for their loved ones in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, their lord and savior, then I, a Jew, knew a money-maker when I saw one. [APPLAUSE] And so I’m thrilled to announce that I have found an economically distressed area in Alabama, and I will be able to help them out, because it will be there that I will be opening Jewey Jewey’s Gun Store. [LAUGHTER] I could not be happier. This is gonna be a tourist destination. I mean it, ’cause just– just, if I just had Jewey Jew’s alone, people from around the world and the United States would flock there. “Son of a bitch!” they’d cry out, “I gotta get to Alabama and see who Jewey Jew is!” Next door, I will be opening a theater where my friend John Bowman will be performing The Hank Williams Story. Next door to that will be an Irish pub, which is gonna be run by Kathleen Madigan, a very funny comic, who also needs to be around alcohol 24/7 or her hands start to shake. I plan to build a giant Ferris wheel, the biggest Ferris wheel in the world. Why? Cause Jewey Jew wants a Ferris wheel! And mounted at every seat will be a machine gun. Because you never know when a plane is gonna attack you when you’re on a Ferris wheel. Better safe than sorry, assholes! Ha ha ha! [APPLAUSE] And in the back, I’ll have a casino. Do we really need another casino? You’re [expletive] right we do. What makes my casino different is when you hit the jackpot, Jewey Jew himself will bring you two six-guns, and you can fire ’em in the air. I know it may seem strange to many of you that I would choose to open a gun store, but to be honest, the NRA, after years and years, has finally gotten to me. ‘Cause they– they really taught me that… well… guns don’t kill people. Mentally ill people with guns kill people, and if we all had enough guns, we could kill all the mentally ill people.
It was, after Sandy Hook, oddly enough, the NRA that pointed out to the American people, we have a problem with mental illness. And whenever I think about the problem of mental illness, the first people that I wanna talk with are the good folks at the NRA. Their work in the field of mental illness is, as we all know, legendary! We do have to deal with mental illness, and we’re not gonna. We’re not. Part of the reason we’re not is ’cause 40% of the American people don’t think there is such a thing as mental illness, do they? Mm-mmm. That’s 40%, and… and I just made that number up. I made that number up because I’ve watched politicians for the whole year making numbers up every [expletive] day, and they’re not supposed to be making numbers up. I’m a comic. I’m supposed to make shit up! My generation is the problem here, because my generation was born and raised with no knowledge whatsoever of mental illness. None! We didn’t know anything about it. You know, unless you had a family member who was mentally ill, and then if there was someone in the neighborhood who was mentally ill, they were hidden from the rest of the neighborhood, because people were ashamed of it. So, nobody, nobody knew– unless, okay, all right, the only time you heard about mental illness is if there was somebody with 16 personalities. You know, that person who could play canasta by themselves. By the time I got to college, it was no different. None. None whatsoever. By the time I got to college, I took a course in psych one, and all I learned from that is that a pigeon will smash its face against something in order to get a [expletive] pellet of food. You would think that even if we didn’t know about it, and what was up with mental illness in terms of dealing with it, that the National Institute of Mental Health would. But even by 200-[expletive]-3, they funded 16 studies to find out how a pigeon thinks. They funded one study about post-partum psychosis. Sixteen studies to find out how a pigeon thinks? They could have called any [expletive] New Yorker. [LAUGHTER] We coulda told them: “I gotta shit, I gotta shit, I gotta shit! No, I gotta shit! I can’t believe I’m still shitting! I thought I’d stopped shitting, no, I’m still shitting! French fry!” [APPLAUSE] I believe that we all learned about mental illness the same way that I did. I think we did that through dating. [LAUGHTER] Come on, this is New York. I truly expected a bigger laugh there. [LOUDER LAUGHTER] Everybody in this room has been out with somebody, and on that third date, was sitting there going, “Oh my God! They’re talking to a sock puppet!” I truly believe that now that the gays have come out of the closet, that the next group that has to come out of the closet are the mentally ill. But, they’re mentally ill, so they don’t know where the door handle is. So we’re gonna have to open the door for them. [APPLAUSE] We used to have places that dealt with mental illness throughout the country until the early ’80s. There were mental institutions throughout the entire country. These institutions took care of those who truly were the illest of the ill. The ones who could not deal with reality whatsoever. And what these institutions provided was a safe haven where they could go and get help, and also begin to understand how to bring these people back to reality. Now, if you have a loved one who cannot cope with reality, the best you can hope for is to get them away for five days, and then you gotta take ’em back. And everybody knows, somebody who can’t deal with reality five days, [expletive]! [SPUTTERS] No problem! It’s unbelievable! But we had those in place. And what happened? Starting with Kennedy and going through Reagan, the Democrats and the Republicans systematically took them apart and ended up closing them. Closed them down. Why? To save money. [SCOFFS] Well, we’re gonna have to deal with it again. And what’s it gonna cost? More [expletive] money! Because that’s the way it works! This bullshit about saving money is a crock of shit. When you’ve got something, a big, big [expletive] problem, you deal with it, and you [expletive] pay for it. ‘Cause if you wait, it’s more [expletive] expensive. And that’s a Jew advising you on this. [APPLAUSE] If you don’t think we have a problem with mental illness, I need you to take a good long look at Congress. That is the largest outpatient clinic in the world, and we pay for their health insurance. is slightly mentally ill. I believe that. You know, you can see it all the time.
I– you pick up the paper, I read, you know, a while back, that, um… $640 million was spent by Americans purchasing Valentine’s Day gifts for pets. Okay, that’s– that’s the sign something’s [expletive] wrong. Stinkmuffin and Farty Lick don’t give a shit, okay? They don’t have a calendar. They’re not waiting by the door going, “Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what they got me!” You’ve lost touch with reality, [expletive]! If any of you purchased a Valentine’s Day gift for your pet, you have to get counseling for at least an hour next week. [APPLAUSE] The only time… The only time you can purchase a Valentine’s Day gift for your pet is, let’s say, you’re [expletive] your cockatoo. Then I think you should really get it something nice. In New York, a while back, a few years ago, there was a gentleman… who… As a Jew, this is difficult. He… he gave his dog a bar mitzvah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What’s my job? What’s my job? Spent $10,000, a hundred people came, he did it at Sammy’s Romanian. He called it a “bark mitzvah.” As soon as his friends, if his friends [expletive] cared about him, as soon as they got the notice that he was throwing a bar mitzvah for his dog, those friends should have immediately had an intervention. If that’s not a cry for [expletive] help, I don’t know what is.
I travel throughout the country, and one of the things that you notice is every, pretty much at every local government that we pass through, there is someone who’s been elected who is [BLOWS RASPBERRY] mentally ill. Case in point: Facing a need for $743 million worth of repairs to crumbling infrastructure, the mayor of Jackson, Mississippi has told residents the city can fix its many potholes through the power of prayer. “Yes, I believe we can pray potholes away. Moses prayed and a sea opened.” After tonight’s show, I would hope that all of you would take a moment, meet in the lobby, and form prayer groups. One thing you know about New York, our streets have real problems. So if you could get out there early tomorrow and just [expletive] really give it your all. Try to get out there really early before traffic hits. [CHUCKLES] That was the mayor of the town speaking, who’s also a church pastor. What strikes me most about this is, and I’ve time and again had to to bring this up, and I’m– I realize, I have to repeat it yet again. I’ve talked about it in another special, but I don’t care. It’s got to be repeated, and repeated, and repeated, ’cause nobody’s [expletive] listening to me. But the fact of the matter is, that you Christians have to… have to… you have to stop reading the Old Testament. You don’t understand it. It literally escapes you. You haven’t a [expletive] clue. And, I will– I will repeat this ’til the day I die: It’s not your [expletive] book. [APPLAUSE] Our book has a really mean God. Ooh, boogey, boogey, boogey. Scared the shit outta you. So you had to come up with this nice kid. That’s your book, asshole! Every time I turn on a pastor on Sunday, a Christian, you know, talking about the Old Testament, they never [expletive] get it right. Ever! They don’t understand the basics of the Bible. It was written by the elders. It was written by the elders. These are stories that they told to the Israelites in order to distract them from the fact that they were wandering in the desert without air conditioning. Moses prayed and a sea opened. That’s a great [expletive] story, isn’t it? They’ve made a movie out of it. Huh? That’s probably where this son of a bitch found out about it. That isn’t the way it happened. Every Jew knows that. Here’s what went down, Moses prayed, and then he prayed, and then he prayed. And then he went, “[expletive]!” and went to the Jewish people and said, “We’re gonna have to walk around.” But that’s not a great story. [APPLAUSE]
I’m lucky that I can keep a shred of sanity because I get to travel every few years and get out of the United States. I was lucky enough two years ago to perform in Copenhagen, in Denmark, and uh… Copenhagen is a happy city. This is how happy they are. After I arrived that evening, looking for entertainment, I went down to the park, and a band was playing. It turned out to be the military band. And they were playing– [SNAPS FINGERS] “Dancing Queen.” Yes sirree, that’s a– that’s a country I can go to war with. Also, another reason I knew just how happy they were was because about 20 minutes after I arrived, I was wandering around to get my bearings, the neighborhood, and get a sense of what was around my hotel, and a bus drove by, and on that bus was a billboard, and on that billboard was a photograph of the most… beautiful breasts I’ve ever seen in my life. They were– they were glistening. They were glistening! I’m a little embarrassed, but it made my mouth water. We’ll never have a billboard like that in this country, ever. It’s just not gonna happen. We’re not– we’re not sexually mature enough, as a country, to have it. As a country, we’re about twelve and a half years old. We’re not even close, and I tell ya… You know, if you put that billboard up anywhere in the United States next to any highway, there would be an accident every eight seconds. “Look at those tits! Look at those tits! Look at those tits!” This is the way I, and I consider myself somewhat sexually mature, this is absolutely the way I reacted when that bus passed. I followed the bus. I followed it for blocks, and then I realized that other buses had the billboard, so at that point I knew that I could sit in a cafe and they would bring the breasts to me. It took three days before I realized that there was writing on the billboard. And the writing, even though I didn’t speak Danish, I knew what it meant. It said, “New tits?” And I thought, “Wow.” I was stunned. An ad for breast enhancement. Because I thought that we were the only country that was obsessed with enhancing breasts. But even– even in Happytown, apparently they are a little disappointed in the titties. I have never understood the concept of breast enhancement. Never! It’s unnecessary surgery, unless you have a medical problem or a psychological one. What the [expletive] are you thinkin’? You’ve missed the cardinal rule of life. Every breast is a great breast! [APPLAUSE] And I know this from personal experience. Never have I looked down at a naked woman in my bed and thought… [BLOWS RASPBERRY] “Hoo! What a disappointment.” Usually I have to stop myself from crying, or saying something stupid like, “And I can play with them now?” When I was, um… When I was leaving there, I… I realized that I wanted to stay on, ’cause I wanted… I wanted that surgery for me. I did. I wasn’t transitioning. It had nothing to do with transitioning. I am not, and lucky enough, I’m not a woman caught in a man’s body. But I did want those tits here! Why would I put ’em on a woman? Why would I do that? Then I’d have to negotiate to see ’em. This way, they’re always with me, and they’re always glistening. [APPLAUSE]
This is, um… truly the greatest article I’ve– I’ve ever read about women’s breasts. “A lactating German woman robbed a pharmacy by squirting breast milk at two startled workers.” Some of you didn’t laugh at that. And if you didn’t laugh at that, you need to take the rest of the week off. How do you not laugh at that? How the [expletive]– where the [expletive] were you while I was reading that? Lactating, you should have been smiling. It’s a funny [expletive] word. Unless you’re lactating, it’s a funny [expletive] word. Lactating woman, not funny. Lactating German woman, ha ha ha ha. [LAUGHTER] Robbed a pharmacy by squirting breast milk. Son of a bitch! Come on! Not breast milk being fed to a child, suckled. No! Breast milk flying willy-nilly throughout the universe. God damn it! At that point, you better be [expletive] laughing! At two startled workers. Really? I don’t think startled even begins to describe it. I don’t think they were there going, [MOUTHING DIALOG]. Their eyes were going “bambambambambam.” “Whoooo!” [SPUTTERS] The woman, called the [GERMAN ACCENT] “Milk Sprayer…” [LAUGHTER] …made a purchase and waited for the cash register to open, and then sent a milky arc into the first worker’s face. Bambambam, bam. Bambambambam. Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Reload, bam! [LAUGHTER] She then sprayed a second employee. Bam bam, bam bam! Reload! Bam bam, bam bam bam! Six guns a’blazin’. She rifled through the registers, stealing 125 bucks before making her getaway. And with that, we take the first few steps toward ending gun violence. [APPLAUSE]
Now we have to talk about the election. Wh– what are you applauding? [LAUGHTER] Seriously. As a– as a public service, I should just say, “Good night.” Did you Republicans really need to look at… all those people? Ted Cruz. All you… need know, um, and this should have been the end of it. [STUTTERS] It wasn’t enough that everybody in Congress hates him. It wasn’t enough that during the time in which he was in Congress, he did a filibuster in order to try to stop the Affordable Care Act for the 50th time, and spent a good portion of it reading from Green Eggs and Ham, which made me think, “Son of a bitch.” That was when I said if he wears aluminum foil on his head, I’ll start to listen to him. But more important than that, the key to why he shouldn’t have been allowed to run was they asked his college roommate. His college roommate at Princeton. He got into Princeton. I [expletive] didn’t get into Princeton! And when I meet my maker, that’s the first question I’m gonna ask. “Was it the SAT scores?” So, they asked him, his roommate, “Do you think he’d make a good president?” And he said, “Blindfold me. And then bring me a phone book from any city in America. O-open it up, I’ll point at a name. Whoever that is, will be a better president.” I have to read this quote off a piece of paper because it– my brain refuses to memorize it. In regards to family planning– family planning, a man running for the presidency of the United States, he said, “Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America.” Now, when was the last time any of you used the word “rubber” in a sentence? You might have said “galoshes.” “When I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom. Put 50 cents in, and voila.” Voila? Let’s get this straight, those of you who are Democrats and Republicans, who are Libertarians, or the Green Party. I don’t give a [expletive]. No candidate for the presidency of the United States should ever, ever be allowed to use the world “voila.” The only time you can say the word “voila” is if you opened a prophylactic and it flew out and landed on your dick. [APPLAUSE] Voila. [CHEERS] Then, of course, we go through all of that, and we come down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and… I have lived in New York for 35 years, and, um… Donald Trump has been in my face for 35 years. This whole idea that he is a great businessman is… is so beyond any… I… He bankrupted a casino. [APPLAUSE] I mean… Psh! That’s impossible. Unless you locked the doors and just stood in front, “Go away! Go to Jewey Jew’s! Go away!” You know, I just– before we leave Donald alone… I’m gonna say something, and I’m… I’m saying this as a friend. If you vote for Donald Trump… you’re gonna go to hell. [APPLAUSE] And I know this. And I know this because God told me. He has my hotline number, 1-800-Jewey-Jew. He always likes to talk to me after he talks to Mike Huckabee. I help settle him down. And then there’s Hillary Clinton, who’s had so much shit thrown at her during the course of her life that there’s no way she couldn’t get the smell off. There isn’t. I mean, I’ve traveled the country. People don’t like her. They don’t. And I don’t think it has to do with the nonsense of that she’s a criminal. I think that that’s just repeating, repeating, repeating. [BABBLES] I think it’s the fact that she’s been in our face for a long [expletive] time. I’m serious. Familiarity breeds contempt, and it’s made a lot of people unhappy with her. She never went away. She never went away. She’s always been there. She is, for many Americans, that woman in the carpool… that every morning, the guy sits there, drinking his cup of coffee, and thinks, “I can’t believe I gotta pick her up again!” She never went away. She was the First Lady, and then afterwards, she snuck into our state. I don’t know what these people are bitching about, she snuck in here. And the next thing I know, holy [expletive], she’s the senator from New York. And she spent six years doing that, and then, she said, “I’m running to be president.” And she lost. Now at that point, anybody who loses the presidency hides somewhere. They go away! Everybody [expletive] knows that. Nixon went the [expletive] away. And then when he came back, people went, “[expletive], eh, he wasn’t so bad!” You leave! Nope. Not her. She became the Secretary of State, and then, she finished up there and she said, “I’m gonna run to be president again!” [SCOFFS] There is a good chance she’s bipolar. So you have a choice now about who you wanna date. Either the bipolar carpooler, or Orange Julius Caesar. Happy voting. [APPLAUSE] But before I go, let me just say, and this, I know, comes as a shock to many of you, but, uh… I wake up every morning… shoo… brimming with optimism. [LAUGHTER] My nipples are pert and I’m ready to go. ‘Cause I– I truly believe that today is gonna be the day that this great country gets it right. Why wouldn’t today be the day? We all pretty much share exactly the same hopes and dreams. We all have– we all basically want the same thing, and, uh… Why wouldn’t we find it today? Why wouldn’t this be it? After making mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake… after mistake after mistake after mistake, after mistake after mistake, after mistake, and then there was the time, you know, after mistake… that wouldn’t we, just by accident, stumble in the right direction? Why wouldn’t today be the [expletive] day? God, I’m happy. I got dancin’ feet. I put on “Dancing Queen.” And I get up to my, uh, coffee table there, and I grab a mug, and look down at the front page of the paper, and go, “[expletive]! Maybe tomorrow.” Good night, New York. [APPLAUSE] These [expletive] are out of control! [SPUTTERS] Wake up, wake up, wake up! What the [expletive] do you need me for? You’re gonna go to hell. No, don’t turn around. Keep [expletive] walkin’. You’ve lost touch with reality, [expletive]! God damn it! At that point you better be [expletive] laughing! Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Reload, bam! Boogey woogey boogey. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win, because, you know, if that person wins, [BABBLES]. What’s the matter with us? Tada! It’s unbelievable!